In my 17 years of freedom from emotional eating I have come from being a very scared, extremely doubtful, negative, all-or-nothing, insecure little person (who thought she was absolutely the fattest, ugliest person on the planet and that everyone else thought so too) to become the person I am today. I’m certainly not issue-free or any where near perfect as my friends and family will happily attest, but open, loving, happy, optimistic, confident and secure, able to know that, while I may screw up, drop the ball, or hurt someone’s feelings, I am not bad or unworthy of love, rather I am always deserving of dignity and respect from myself and from others.

I trust myself to openly take responsibility when I make a mistake (not that it’s always easy for certain) and to trust myself to communicate respectfully and clearly about what I need.

A big part of that healing transformation was my learning to approach conversations and relationships from an open place rather than an all-or-nothing place and in so doing, to really see that I am not at all dependent on anyone for anyone thing. My life is always within my control and there is always more than one way to meet any need that I have – and most of the time, through simply communicating openly and clearly and through taking the time to seek to understand what others need or why they may not feel comfortable agreeing to my request, I realize that either:

• they’ve misunderstood me,
• they’re making a great point and I really need to rethink what I’m asking of them, or
• they’re making a great point about what they need and why my request won’t work for them.

Then I can move on and find other ways to meet that need without at all taking it personally or feeling at all rejected, unloved, disrespected or judged.

The last two weeks of articles are important pieces of this puzzle, and this week’s article is as well. I encourage you to read it through and think about how you have historically approached getting your needs met in the past and consider how things might have gone if you had had the opportunity to have these thoughts and tools at your disposal rather than the often ineffective ones you may have been taught by key people in your life.

You see, most people approach conversations from an extremely all-or-nothing direction. Meaning most conversations look like this:

1. Person A thinks about what they want/need.
2. Person A approaches person B and tells them what they want/need.
3. Person B has a reaction to that that is either positive, negative, or neutral.
4. Person A interprets Person B’s reaction and either persists with what they want/need with or without Person B’s support or does not pursue their wants/needs because of Person B’s reaction.

Many of you are probably reading this saying, “Uh, Yeah Michelle, so what? That’s how conversations happen. Thanks for the reminder…”

Well, actually, that’s how conversations that lead to stress in relationships happen. That’s not how conversations in healthy interdependent relationships happen when there is anything of any significance to discuss.

Imagine you’re Person B. Imagine you’re just the slightest bit co-dependent (meaning you’ve been taught that your needs aren’t as important as others and that your job in life is to meet other people’s needs.) Imagine that Person A is approaching you with great exuberance and excitement as they ask you for what they want/need. In other words, they are already past this conversation and into the future where you’ve said yes, they have what they want/need and they are happy campers. How easy would it be for you to say no if you wanted to? Or even to modify the request a bit so it suited you better?

Or imagine that Person A is approaching you with some anger or frustration, either through their body language, their tone, or their words. Would you trust yourself to decline their request or to take some time in that moment to reflect on what would work for you and then offer an alternative?

Most folks who use food to cope do so, in part, because they feel anxious much of the time about just such interactions. They worry about people asking them for things and themselves not being able to say no, even though they want to. They worry about feeling guilty and bad for not meeting other people’s needs should they say no, or even just offering an alternative plan that works a little better for them. Thus, they try to avoid certain people or places where requests may take place, they isolate themselves; they may even lie just to not hurt, upset or let someone down. Any of these patterns of behaviour greatly compromises your self-esteem and your sense of your ability to keep yourself safe emotionally in relationships.

Ultimately that worry, building over the day, typically comes out through the use of food at night. Now imagine yourself, as you are now, being Person A. Your approach now might be to worry or feel anxious asking Person B for something because you have an all-or-nothing story in your head and you believe that if they say no, or if they are upset at all by your request, it means you can’t have what you want and that you’ve done something wrong.

From this headspace, many people (Person A’s) will simply not ask and just go behind the scenes and sneak what they want or angrily (because they feel stifled and controlled by even having to consult Person B who they think may not agree) go forth with what they want prepared to snap should Person B even acknowledge what they are doing, let alone express any hurt, anger or fear themselves for the way you went about things.

And should you choose to approach Person B, your whole demeanor as you approach them will be nervous, fidgety and awkward, not confident and balanced and as though you know you are an equal to the person you are approaching. Whether they know it or not, all people have a great capacity to read our meta-messages (our body language, tone, eye contact, etc.) and will know from our meta-messages that we’re feeling a little ungrounded or downright angry or anxious (as the case may be). Thus Person B, unless they are not steeped in their own co-dependent training, will start to close off a little and prepare themselves for whatever it is that you’re bringing that’s making you so awkward.

Not a great place for you as Person A or as Person B to be starting a conversation from.

Now, try this instead.

Assuming:

1. You’re Person A, and

1. You’ve taken the few minutes I suggested to write down your answers to the questions in last week’s article Before You Have “THE” Conversation, Try This and thus you are clear that the issue/need/want is between you and this person and not just your own “stuff”; and

1. This is not a true emergency (keep in mind the old adage – “A lack of planning on your part does not create an emergency on my part.” If it is your lack of planning or follow through that has created an urgent need for Person B’s support or approval or attention at that moment, stop, breathe, and remind yourself that it is not Person B’s fault you’re in the pickle you’re in and thus they have the right to agree to chat now, or to help or not. They are not being mean or bad or selfish or inconsiderate or a bad friend if they say no to a last minute request from you.)

1. You’ve asked Person B if they have a few minutes to chat with you about something or if there would be a better time. Here you want to keep in mind 2 things:

1. 1. If you are unwilling/unable to let this person finish what they are doing so they can be truly present with you, you are not coming from your rational, balanced, adult self and you need to take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that this is not a life or death situation. It may be very important to you but ask yourself if a few minutes, or an hour or a day will really make that big a difference to the outcome of the issue (and also ask yourself if perhaps the urgency is a result of your procrastination and thus, again, not about Person B)
   2. The more you push someone to be present with you when they are distracted or rushed or genuinely not ready/interested to speak with you at that time, the less likely it is that you will have a positive outcome to the conversation because you are beginning the talk from a place of disrespect for Person B’s needs.

Throughout this whole process of approaching a conversation with Person B, I strongly suggest that you keep one thought firmly planted in your brain:

When I get my needs met at cost to someone else, my self-respect suffers as does the trust and respect in the relationship.

When I approach a conversation with someone from the perspective that I value this relationship and want it to have the potential to be the very best that it can be, I naturally want to ensure that my needs do not get met at cost to this person and this relationship.

Now, if you’re an all-or-nothing thinker, you may believe that Person B is the only person who could possibly meet that need for you and that if they say no to your request it means you’re never going to get those needs met. Thus you’ll feel a sense of urgency to hear “Yes” coming out of their mouth and may pressure them, manipulate them, or if you’re pretty sure they’ll say no, not approach them at all and just feel annoyed and resentful that you’re not getting what you want.

But, in reality, it is exceptionally rare that you are ever truly dependent on just one person for any of your needs and it is also exceptionally rare that Person B wouldn’t be willing to chat with you about ways that would work for them and for you, to get your needs met.  You just have to approach the conversation from a place of openness, from a place of trust in your right to have what you need, from a place of knowing that you’re not dependent on Person B for your needs, and from a place of being willing to let the resolution of the issue and the ultimate meeting of your needs take a little time as long as it enhances the sense of safety and trust in the relationship in the end.

That’s the key. Approaching the conversation from a mindset that says:

“This relationship is important to me and if it takes a little while for us to find a way for us both to feel content with the plan or decision we make, it’s worth it to let it take a little while. I am willing to let this be the first of a number of conversations about this issue and am not going to force an answer or agreement in this conversation.”

In fact, it’s wonderful to start out the conversation sharing that thought with the other person so they know that you’re not going to try to force them to make a decision in that moment and that the relationship is what’s key, not the issue.

It also implies, to you and to Person B that:

• You know that you are deserving of having your need met;
• That you are ultimately not dependent on this person for this need; and
• That you are confident that you will find a way to get your need met (in other words, they are not ruining your life or being evil, thwarting you if it turns out that meeting your need compromises them too greatly or if you’re not able to come to some consensus in the first conversation).

So, the theme of the last 3 weeks really is:

1. Trust that you have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.
2. Trust that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.
3. Know that the same is true in reverse.
4. Approach people from a place of trusting yourself to meet your needs and therefore from a place of asking for their support rather than demanding it or feeling dependent on it.
5. Let your initial conversation with someone be just that, the beginning, rather than the only conversation you’ll have with them about it. Let it be an opening to a dialogue rather than, “We have to make a decision about this right here and now whether you’re ready to or I’m ready to or not!”
6. Before you approach someone to discuss any issues of sensitivity, take time to stop and get clear about what your intention is, what you want to convey to them and how you want to feel at the end of the conversation. If your intention is to walk away feeling open and loving and adult, you will find it much easier to stay grounded during the conversation and to see this as one of a number of discussions rather than the old all-or-nothing approach.

So think about these things as you start to approach others in your conversations.  Test things out by taking little baby steps – gently try one of these suggestions with someone you feel most comfortable approaching, and build from there. Believe me, once you start trusting your ability to speak up for yourself in healthy, non-co-dependent ways, you’ll definitely want to keep moving forward to a place where you’ll feel much more freedom with yourself and your relationships.  Yay!  Let me know how it goes!

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

Kind of like that article I wrote awhile back on needs which similarly hit home with everyone. Communication issues and our own confused training in relationships really does pertain to us all until we learn to honor ourselves, respect our needs, and ask directly and respectfully for what we need.

This week’s article takes off where last week’s left off. We are going to take a brief look at how to most effectively approach a conversation around a sensitive issue with someone.  When I say “sensitive,” I mean an issue that makes you feel a little uneasy, anxious or resistant when you think about bringing it up. It may be that it makes you feel uneasy because of your part in it or because of what it is you imagine the other person will feel or think about you when you bring the issue up.

The first thing to do when you’re thinking about talking to someone about something that has any emotional charge for you at all (or that you think might be sensitive for them) is to sit down, alone, and ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is your intention in speaking with the person about this issue?
2. What are you trying to achieve in speaking with them about this issue? (often the same answer as above but not always)
3. What do you want to get out of the conversation? Ie. What would you need to hear/share/experience in that conversation that would make you feel it had been a success?
4. How do you want to feel when you leave the conversation?
5. What do you need to say and how do you need to say it and what do you need to hear from them in order to feel that way when you leave the conversation?
6. What kind of timeline would you want to place on the conclusion of the issue? Ie. How long can you comfortably wait for this person to follow through on what you’re asking for? You must communicate that key piece of information to this person and ask for their agreement on this timeline as well. This is key for both of you to have great clarity on how and when you will assess whether anything has changed; ie. whether your needs have been met and you can therefore let the issue drop completely, forever.

Make notes of these key pieces and take them with you when you speak to this person. Refer to them and challenge yourself to cover all key points before you leave the conversation. If anything seems to be going at all awry or you lose your place just ask yourself questions 4 and 5 again:

How do you want to feel when you leave this conversation and what needs to happen/what do you need to hear or experience with this person in order to feel that way?  That is your grounding and centering piece.

Now, before you get to “THE” Conversation with someone, there is a very interesting phenomenon you will notice when you just sit down to consider these questions before you speak with them: Often just sitting down to reflect on those questions helps you to see something that, if you’re at all interested in not taking full responsibility for your actions and for your life, will really irritate you.

Often in just sitting to reflect on what message you’d like to convey, how specifically you would word it, and what specifically you want to get out of that conversation, you will discover that the issue isn’t really theirs, it’s yours. And usually, though certainly not always, it pertains to your own old-life training to not ask directly for what you need; to not let yourself be vulnerable by exposing that you even have a need; or to not be “selfish” or to burden others in any way.

What I’m saying is that usually, regardless of how things appear at first glance, the majority of our stress in relationship with others exists not because of anything that’s actually happening between us and another person, but because of the old stories and patterns of behaving that we carry within ourselves that have prevented us from either taking action ourselves to meet our needs and/or from communicating earlier, when we first began to feel a little hurt/annoyed/frustrated/resentful/sad/lonely/insignificant/disrespected, etc. with that person.

Our story that we can’t possibly say or do anything that might upset, irritate, or hurt anyone or call any attention to their “imperfection” is really only our own inner co-dependent training that says:

If anyone feels anything other than happy, it’s your fault and you are bad and wrong and unlovable for “making” them feel that way.

Yup, that’ll do it! That childhood training; that old bogus story will shut you down and leave you feeling completely powerless in your relationships every time.

Unfortunately, not only is it completely not true in any way now – it never was – yes, I mean it, it never ever, ever, ever was true. You have never been and never will be responsible for another person’s feelings (barring dependent children, of course). Your complete healing and recovery from emotional eating or restriction and from any unfulfilling jobs, relationships, or self-care, demands that you not only cognitively get this message but that you begin to get it on a gut level; that you begin to trust it, to know it and to embody it in your actions.

The world becomes a completely different place when you make this shift. (Recall the article from a few weeks ago on ELOC vs. ILOC).

Once you sit down and reflect on the questions above and see what’s really up for you and find yourself getting clear on what you want from that person usually you’ll find that what you really want from them or need from them is some reassurance and understanding as you make some changes to your own, perhaps freshly realized, contribution to the dynamic you two share.

You might say:

“This is what I’ve noticed in myself…here’s what I’m planning to do about it…and here’s how you can help me if you’re willing…”

Often your own awareness of what your own contribution to the dynamic has been (which will come about simply by sitting down to ask yourself the questions above) makes it so you are truly comfortable with the choice to not address it with them for now (as opposed to just avoiding bringing it up); make some changes to your own contribution to the dynamic, and see after that, whether you still feel the need to bring it up to them more directly.

Next week we’ll talk about what to do when you’ve done the above piece and, after attending to your own piece of the puzzle, feel that you need to address the other person’s role and ask for a change in their behaviour towards you or towards the situation.

For this week think of someone that fits the “I need to have “THE” conversation” bill and take 5 minutes to ask yourself the questions above. Please email me what you come up with! I’d love to see what you notice and discover about yourself and about how to proceed then.

You might find you recognize that you are playing a role in this dynamic but don’t know what to do on your end to change your part of the dance. That’s what I’m here for!

See you next week.

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

Why Do I Do It?

First, let’s explore what leads you to isolate yourself. In short, it’s all about how much you trust yourself to set boundaries and to only engage in relationships which are healthful and supportive of you. The degree to which you doubt your ability to assert your needs will be the degree to which you isolate. In other words, if you don’t trust yourself to say no to others, you will likely refrain from much social interaction, or you will find yourself overloaded with social commitments which are unrewarding and lack depth. You may not even be conscious that this is what motivates you to distance yourself from others. Your Drill Sgt. may have tried to explain your behaviour through his old core-belief perspective, telling you all sorts of stories about how weird and unlikable you are; how no one really cares whether you are around or not; how people are only going to judge you; and how unattractive or unintelligent you are if you go out. None of this is at all true. It’s just more of that coping strategy of negative core beliefs and bad body thoughts kicking in. And you know that this is just an indication of unmet needs for security and acceptance.

As you begin to hone your skill of identifying the unmet needs that drive your coping behaviour, you will be presented with many opportunities, big and small, to strengthen your trust in yourself and create more security by validating your needs, setting clear boundaries, and proving how effectively you can care for yourself. It is likely that at the start of this new way of looking out for yourself you will notice yourself feeling anxious and resistant. There are two key pieces at play here:

1. Somehow, your Authentic Self and not your Nurturing Parent is front and centre trying to navigate this new terrain on her own. This is dangerous, because your Authentic Self is still very young and still needs a lot of reassurance and support to behave in a new way and not buy into those old core beliefs. She does not have the capacity to rationalize and empthasize in the way the Nurturing Parent does. She must not be made to handle scary and stressful situations such as boundary setting. You wouldn’t make a five-year-old child go on his own to confront someone about security or approval needs that aren’t being met, so you can’t expect your Authentic Self to have the courage and ability to do so either.

2. Your Drill Sgt. senses the insecurity, fear, and doubt of the Authentic Self and is doing his “motivation through criticism” to try and get you back into a “safe” and familiar place. You will likely hear the Drill Sgt. insisting that your needs are not valid or important. You may be aware of him calling you names, such as, weak, needy, when you are experimenting with acknowledging your feelings and needs to others. I encourage you to acknowledge the Drill Sgt.’s comments and then, as we have discussed, ask him what his intent is. Remember: seek to understand.

The solution? Notice the distress and resistance about boundary setting, and call forth your Adult Nurturing Parent. The Nurturing Parent can then reassure the Authentic Self that her feelings and needs are valid; that she has a right to ask for what she needs and that they, the Nurturing Parent, will take over from here. “Try the hand-on-the-tummy thing here. It really does help to ground you and establish a stronger sense of connection between your Parent and Authentic Self).

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

If you’re anything like most folks who use food to cope or other harmful coping strategies, before you actually approach someone directly about an issue you’re having with them, you’ll try:

• Hinting about what you want;
• Making jokes;
• Using sarcasm;
• Talking to others in the loop about it, in the hopes that they will have “the” conversation or that at least it will get back to that person how you’re feeling and you won’t have to tell them yourself;
• Avoiding the person;
• Using body language like eye rolls or lack-of -eye contact, and crossed arms to let the person know you’re not a fan of something that they are doing;
• The silent treatment (simply ignoring them);
• Using a particular tone with them designed to get them to ask, “What’s up? Have I done something?” Depending on the issue, the tone may range from disappointed, to frustrated, to downright contemptuous.

The only problem is, all of these techniques will fail if the other person is either unwilling to accept responsibility for their behaviour or if they just don’t know that they are doing something to upset or offend you. Unfortunately, this is usually the case.

That’s because people typically don’t engage in behaviours that they know consciously offend or upset other people. Don’t get me wrong. People definitely do play head games at times but usually that behaviour is pretty easy to spot, and I do believe that those folks that are intentionally messing with our minds are fewer and farther between than you may imagine.

The truth is, the person who is frustrating you or hurting your feelings or downright scaring you with their behaviour or demeanor, is very likely completely unaware that they are having that impact. They are very likely working from a perception of themselves that puts their behaviour in the best light, where, at least to them, it makes perfect sense and is completely acceptable.

So, imagine their shock when you sit down with them and have “THE” convo! If you’ve tried the techniques listed above to try and give them the message prior to “the” conversation, you are likely to be sitting across from someone who is less than comfortable with you because you’ve been behaving a little weird or downright standoffishly, but they don’t know why. You’re also far more likely to elicit a defensive reaction (a closed mind or an angry retort) when the person is, in their mind, hearing about your problem with them for the first time in a fairly intense way.

From your perspective in this situation, you’ve tried to give them the message, they haven’t got it, so you have to have the big sit-down. From your perspective you may be sad or feel hard-done-by should the recipient of “THE” conversation not appreciate your “patience”, “maturity”, and overall intention (to avoid conflict at all costs and to not upset the other person) and instead become angry and defensive.

This dynamic is the reason that most people avoid “THE” conversation like the plague. It’s not that sitting down with someone to resolve issues is actually that big a deal when certain basic steps are followed, it’s just that most people who use food to cope are scared to death of letting anyone know that they have a need and so resist or avoid taking care of issues as they arise in favour of the magical thinking that, if they wait long enough, they may just…..go away.  And often they’re scared to admit to having needs because they carry that old, annoying co-dependent training that says:

• You are responsible for everyone else’s feelings and needs;
• You are needy if you have needs;
• You are only allowed to take care of yourself when everyone else is happy;
• If someone is at all unhappy or even has the potential to be at all unhappy it’s because you’ve done something bad or wrong and that makes you a bad person.

Well, actually, none of those stories are true. That training is a pile of phooey folks. Trust me!

Now, just imagine, sitting down to have “THE” conversation with someone when you’re coming from an adult, interdependent mindset that doesn’t believe those ridiculous stories, but instead believes:

• You have a right to be treated with dignity and respect;
• You are not responsible for others feelings and needs, you are only responsible for your own;
• You have a responsibility, not just a right, to meet your own needs in all areas of your life;
• You are “allowed” to ask for what you need and that does not make you at all bad or wrong or “needy.” In fact, a healthy, interdependent relationship demands that you communicate clearly about what you feel and what you need;
• You have the tools you need to respectfully communicate to the other person involved what you need and how they can help meet that need if they are willing;
• You know, in your heart, that if someone is unwilling or resistant to meeting, or even acknowledging your need, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you or your request, it only means that it doesn’t meet needs for them to meet your need;
• You trust yourself to get your need met. As such, you have the space within you and within “THE” conversation to ask questions and to really listen to the other person’s perspective. You trust that you will not be overrun by guilt, blame, shame or anger but that you will hold steady, with grace and dignity, and that ultimately, you will find a way to have your need met, even if that means, as a last-ditch effort, leaving the relationship.

If you trusted in yourself to truly feel, think, and behave as listed above, how do you think you’d feel as you approached “THE” big conversation? Would it even feel like a big conversation? Would it have the same freaky connotations of failure, neediness and inviting anger and judgement?  Not likely.

Rather, it’s far more likely that you would have spoken to this person in more direct and clear ways about the issue as it arose in relationship between you long before it ever got to the need for “THE” conversation. Chances are your sense of deservedness of healthy relationships and respectful interactions would have led you to simply and briefly speak to that person about their behaviour and its impact on your sense of trust, safety and respect with them the first time you felt a little uncomfortable with something they said or did, rather than waiting until you just couldn’t stand it anymore and were about to burst with frustration or walk away from the relationship.

From that approach, your energy approaching a conversation is much lighter and usually more readily received by the other person. Remember, usually people have no clue that they’re doing something that is upsetting you. And if they do have clue that you’re a bit miffed about something, they usually don’t know specifically what to do differently to make you “un-miffed.”

You are responsible for communicating to others about what you feel and what you need and about how the people in your life can meet your needs if they are willing. When you communicate directly and clearly about what you need you give others a chance to show you whether they are able and/or willing to meet your needs. This gives you direct and immediate feedback as to how much you can safely rely on this person and therefore whether they can be a dear and trusted friend, an acquaintance, or someone you keep at a good solid distance.

There is much more to say on this topic so tune in next week for more about communication and some tips for attending to things before they get to the point where it feels like “THE” conversation is the only solution. Sometimes, no matter how well you handle something you still need to have “THE” conversation. But it’s much easier to approach it from a place of peace and security when you know you’ve done your due diligence and given the other person many reasonable opportunities to meet your needs.

For this week, just notice where and with whom you’ve been avoiding having “THE” conversation and take a moment to ask yourself why. What are you telling yourself will happen?  Have you done your best to respectfully and clearly let that person know what you need and how, specifically, they could meet that need?

Challenge yourself to approach your conversations and interactions with others this week from the adult interdependent mindset and just see what a phenomenal difference it makes!

Have a fabulous week!

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with my book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

One of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements talks about the ancient Toltec philosophy which has four basic tenants:

1. Always do your best
2. Always be impeccable with your word
3. Don’t take anything personally
4. Don’t make assumptions

He insists in his book that we are all living on a potential “heaven on earth” but, because of our lack of training and adherence to these basic tenants, we are truly living in hell.

Well, if my remembrance of my use of food to cope and all the negative self-talk, doubt, anxiety, depression, loathing, disgust, abuse, and despair that accompanied it is accurate, he’s right. I was living in hell on earth when a veritable heaven was always available to me if only I could have reoriented my head.

If only I could have stopped being so preoccupied with what others thought and felt and how they might judge me, then I could have started to think about what I thought and felt and needed, and then begin to take steps to make me happy.

There was a time, when I was extremely stuck in the external locus of control, that the above sentence would have made me instantly fearful of becoming a self-centered bitch who cared nothing for anyone and only ever thought of herself. That was my deeply ingrained all-or-nothing thinking Drill Sgt. freaking out over the thought of me actually trusting myself and putting stock in my opinions and needs. In the past, that was a sure path to harm, either verbal or physical, and was to be avoided at all costs as a matter of survival.

Well, the truth is, that was all a pile of bunk. I was harmed because my dad was messed up and was looking for any excuse to get angry, not because there was truly anything wrong with me or what I was saying or thinking, certainly not anything that warranted a tongue lashing or being beaten.  But the very screwed up thing about life is that we learn what our teachers teach whether they are good teachers or not, whether they are right or wrong, whether they are functional and healthy or dysfunctional and completely messed up. As kids we don’t have any frame of reference to know the difference. So we learn what is being shown, and the lessons that stick the most are the ones that trigger the greatest emotion as they are being taught, which often refers to the ones in which our “teachers” were angry and taking their stress out on us. So even if the teacher is completely wrong, we learn the lesson as though our life depends on it, which at times it truly did.

We learn that we are bad, stupid, fat, ugly, wrong, selfish, a bitch, inconsiderate, rude, and that we will never amount to anything but that we have to make our parents proud. And with that great teaching we are meant to step out into the world and make a go of our lives. Yeah, right! That’s a perfect recipe for a life of mediocrity and substance abuse for a person who would otherwise be capable of amazing things.

The external locus of control refers to how much emphasis and weight we place on people and things outside of ourselves as we make decisions about what we can have, do, or be, and how we should feel and think. Internal locus of control is simply the opposite; how much stock we put on our own thoughts, feelings and needs. Between the two, internal and external, we are meant to strike a healthy balance so that we ultimately always defer to our feelings and needs, but also consider the feelings and needs of others and the impact on our society and environment as a result of our actions.

Narcissists and Sociopaths are at the extreme end of the scale with a 100% focus on internal locus of control: What they want is the only thing that’s important, no matter what they have to do to get it.

Co-dependent men and women who use food to cope (or alcohol, relationship obsession, procrastination, isolation, etc.) are typically at the extreme other end of the spectrum. They feel incredibly guilty doing anything just for themselves. Staying at home and resting, no matter how tired they feel, is not an option if anyone, however far removed, wants something from us.

How many times have you received a call from your friend Georgette, and, knowing full well that you’re tired and just want to read, and that she’s going to talk your ear off for well over an hour about the man she broke up with 6 months ago and how lonely she is, but how she can’t do anything about it because …., you answer the phone anyway in case she finds out you were home and screened the call?  How many times?  How many hours of your life have you spent doing things you didn’t want to do, often at harm to you and things that needed doing or that would have fed your spirit?  That’s external locus of control. And it has to stop.

The external locus of control (ELOC), to the extent that you suffer with it, is fueled by fear of rejection and rebuke and will not go away until you begin to understand where it came from and begin to trust that it is okay for you to take care of yourself and for others to not get what they need from you.

If you just had a heart attack  that’s your proof that you need to do this piece of work NOW, not in 6 months or a year or when the kids have gone off to college or when you retire, or when your mother passes away into the great unknown, NOW. Your life is being sucked dry. You are using food to cope because of this way of thinking, no ifs, ands or buts; no exceptions.

You can not feel truly happy, peaceful, safe and free to let go of food and body focus as long as you put more emphasis on other people’s needs, feelings and perspective on the world than you do your own.

And I’m not just talking about a 51% to 49% split here. I’m talking about at least a 75% (ILOC) to 25% (ELOC) split with the caveat that the 25% is ELOC and that it doesn’t mean that ¼ of the time you think of others and not yourself but that you allow yourself to give the needs and feelings of others (excluding dependent children who must be considered in a different category) 25% of the weight of any decision you make. The other 75% being your own feelings, needs and perspective.

Got it?

What we are really talking about here is a complete 180 in your current world view.  You see your current world view is completely skewed in favor of everyone else, with you getting what you need when everyone else is happy (which will be never). Your current world view has you feeling so frightened of “hurting” someone that you don’t have honest conversations about what you need or want. As a result your relationships suffer. You don’t feel truly known or connected to anyone and you believe that if you were honest about your needs you’d be rejected or judged (there’s that old teaching again).

What seems like the “right” way to be and the “right” way to get the safety and approval you seek is actually so very wrong and will only ever lead you to feel less safe, less confident, less happy, less peaceful, and less connected to yourself and others.

I’m not suggesting that honoring yourself is easy, it can mean some courageous conversations and the loss of some relationships if those people are more interested in getting what they want than they are in both of you getting what you need. What I am promising you from my own experience is that, instead of feeling anxious 24/7 and your constant companion being the critical Drill Sgt. and feeling like something is wrong with you and that you can’t do what you want to or have what you want to because you’re not good enough, if you do the 180 in your thinking and world view, you will feel almost constantly peaceful. You will feel solid and confident in yourself most of the time (except with new things where it is perfectly appropriate to have some doubt). You will value yourself and your right to be happy more than anything else and you will know that being happy doesn’t include harming or not considering others, it just doesn’t obligate you to meet their needs either. You will see, through this 180 shift, that it’s truly okay if others are upset with you because what you’re doing or saying doesn’t meet needs for them. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, it just means they aren’t getting what they want. But you are not obligated to compromise yourself for anyone, you are obligated to respectfully and clearly articulate what you need and what you are willing to do and the other person/people is/are obligated to take care of themselves.

That is healthy, mature, adult relating.

Anything else is old, dysfunctional, co-dependency and keeps you stuck feeling bad and wrong and needing to numb out with food focus.

I compare the process of shifting from a heavy ELOC approach to life to the new ILOC split like an old steam engine pulling out of the station.

Currently you’re stuck in one view of the world. It feels right and familiar at the same time as it feels awful. It requires effort to start out from the station into a new landscape. And at the start it can feel like it is slow going, chug…..chug…..chug…..  But soon, things start to gel, you start to “get it”, you feel a sense of flow and things shift. Life becomes easier and smoother and so much less effort. You have more energy and your relationships improve immeasurably, chug-chug-chug. You’re rolling!

There is, if you will permit me, a heaven on earth. It is entirely available to you any day and any time if you just shift your current world view 180 and allow yourself to see yourself as equal to others and deserving of what you need.

There are some very simple, basic steps from here to there and I’d be honored to be your guide.

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with my book, or our monthly Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

The anxiety that we feel is borne out of harmful all-or-nothing stories that I call “learned helplessness.” The learned helplessness stories sound something like this:

• I can’t
• It’s too big
• It’s too much
• I’m not capable
• I won’t be able to do it
• I’m not allowed

And, those learned helplessness, all-or-nothing stories (that trigger our anxiety and our use of harmful coping strategies) are triggered by a naturally and appropriately occurring sensation in our bodies that I call “the niggle.”

The niggle arises when we have needs that aren’t being met.

If you used food to cope as a child (or any other of the strategies listed above), it is extremely likely that when you felt that little niggle inside that let you know you needed something and you tried to get that need met through your words or actions, you were unsuccessful, or perhaps even berated or shamed or physically harmed.

We probably heard or perceived key people in our lives offering us statements such as:

• You’re so selfish!
• Who do you think I am, Rockefeller?
• You’re so dramatic!
• You’re too needy!
• You’re so rude!
• What’s wrong with you?!
• I’ll give you something to cry about!
• Etc.

These statements, understandably, give us the impression that we are, at our core, bad, wrong, stupid, and unlovable beyond repair.  As children, we are naturally vulnerable to the key people in our lives, not just physically but emotionally and psychologically as well.  We depend on them for our survival and we need them to teach us how to be in the world in order to survive without them when we mature. Thus we are incredibly open and receptive to what they say and do in relation to us and to others. We are desperate for their approval and, if need be, will turn against our own inner sense of right and wrong, justice and fairness, in order to preserve our relationship with those key people. Here’s where the trouble really begins.

We all have a naturally occurring sense of disease (our niggle) when we have needs for safety, love, and esteem that aren’t being met. But we believe, (because of our training as children) that in order to get those needs for safety and love and esteem met, we have to ignore our own intuition, ignore our own sense of right and wrong, and take the other person’s side/perspective against ourselves in order to keep them happy and to keep our relationship with them as solid as it can be.

Thus your Drill Sgt. is born.  A bouncing baby inner critic comes into being, constantly running through his learned list of criticisms and judgements of you in his desperate effort to, at long last, bring you the sense of security and peace that you seek in your relationships with others and in yourself.

Of course no one can feel happy, peaceful, confident and secure in an abusive relationship. And just as you couldn’t possibly find peace and security with some key people as a child, you will never find peace and security within yourself until you are able to meet your own needs for respect, dignity, safety and love.

It’s actually not that tall an order once you catch up with the present and realize that your life no longer depends on aligning with others against yourself.

But in the meantime, you feel constantly anxious and doubtful, expecting at any time that someone will swoop in and tell you that you’re too much, too needy, too stupid, too ugly, and just plain unlovable. Thus, you live as though fending off emotional and psychological blows that have yet to occur but that you are certain are coming at any moment. You fear dropping your guard (ie. ceasing the self-criticism) because in the past that was a sure path to the pain of external judgement and ostracism, and you remember that sting all too well.

It is natural and perfectly healthy and appropriate to feel this way as a dependent child. It is such an incredible act of survival and self-preservation that you deserve to be commended. The only problem is, you’re an adult and still living as though you need the approval of others in order to be okay and you’re stuck in those old learned helplessness stories about how you’re so incapable and unlovable that you’ll never get the approval, and thus the safety and peace, that you seek if you let people see and know the real you.

It becomes a very vicious and unending cycle of self-judgement and shame, perpetuating the old stories and triggering more shame and judgement (and thus the need for food to cope).

But what about this? What if instead of continuing to do what clearly has never worked as anything other than a numbing and self-harming device, you did something totally and completely radical?

What if…..

What if you just accepted that you are going to make mistakes?

What if you just accepted that some people will like you and others won’t?

What if you began to trust that everyone has needs and that having needs makes you human, not “needy”?

What if you became more committed to living your life than to making other people happy?

To truly live, you must have experiences, and experience includes, more often than any of us would like, many mistakes, many missteps, many courageous conversations and many opportunities for discovering hidden aspects of ourselves, often in the least private and dignified ways.

So if you just accepted that you will err, and instead of focussing all your energies on trying to prevent an opportunity for learning, you saw it as just that? Every event in your life is an opportunity for learning and growing. You can embrace the experiences you have gracefully and learn and grow from them or you can judge and shame and berate yourself for not being perfect and wall yourself away emotionally or even physically, in your attempt to prevent the inevitable experience of making a mistake and being seen as imperfect (which in the old learned helplessness mindset equates to being unlovable; being rejected; being shamed, judged and berated; disappointing key people; and just downright being “bad.”)

What if, instead of persisting with the old learned helplessness/harmful coping strategy approach to life, you focused your energies on gathering tools and life experiences that teach you the fundamental truth:

Life is not about being perfect and preventing any errors or slights of any kind, life is all about learning to trust yourself to gracefully and respectfully own, acknowledge, and resolve any of your behaviours that did not meet needs for you or others.

Did you catch that?

It’s not the number or “quality” of missteps or learning experiences you have that makes you a worthy or lovable person.

Whether you accept it or understand it or not, the truth is you are already so incredibly worthy and lovable. You truly have nothing to prove to anyone in order to be worthy of confidence and self-love, and once you catch up with the times and step into yourself fully as an adult, you’ll feel the truth of that.

The trick to a happy, peaceful, self-confident life is not to never ever let anyone see you as anything other than perfect. That’s the path to depression.

The trick to a happy, peaceful, self-confident life is to develop skills to handle life’s in’s and out’s so that you can be anywhere, anytime, with anyone and trust yourself to honor and respect yourself.

And don’t let the old Drill Sgt. and his learned helplessness tell you that you can’t. It’s really quite simple, you just have to be open and try something new. I guarantee it will be well worth it.  If you’re ready to step into the present and begin to live life fully, I’m here to show you how.

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, or the self-help approach, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

Your good enough-ness can’t be dependent on anyone else – it can’t ride on you being the best looking, the smartest, the fastest, the richest, the kindest, the nicest, the most generous, etc. It has to be determined by you clearly identifying your core values and principles; the key roles in your life that you have now or would like to put in place; and the goals that you have for yourself in each of those roles. Once you are clear on what is reasonable to expect of yourself, rather than just desirable, in all areas given the goals you have (including those for balance and self-care), you will be able to set reasonable goals to maintain or attain your highest ability in each of those areas.

You will never be good enough if you try to set goals or identify standards in any other way. All other approaches put too much emphasis on what others think, feel and do and have an element of competition with others rather than a challenge from within to be the best you can be.

What is good enough? What does it mean? And, good enough for what? Good enough for whom? The term itself is nebulous and judgement-laden. Most of us don’t know the criteria for good enough; therefore we have no way of knowing how to get there or even how to assess when we’ve arrived – we only know we aren’t there yet. But if we don’t know clearly where the goal post is, how in the hell can we ever hope to score? And if the goal posts are constantly moving depending on who it is we’re dealing with and their own unique standards, what then? That means we can’t just focus on being good enough for one person, we have to be “good enough” for everybody – no one can have judgement of us or criticize any element of our being or behaviour or we have failed completely.

No wonder so many people are depressed. No wonder so many people struggle with anxiety. We’re anxious because we believe we can’t relax and start living until we’re good enough but we don’t even know how we’ll know when we are!  We’re depressed because we believe deep down in our core that we never will be good enough (whatever that means), therefore, we’ll never get to have what we want and we’ll never get to really start living. If that’s not depressing and anxiety-provoking, I don’t know what is. It’s our own private hell and we live it every day: Waiting to start living fully until we’re there, all the while feeling anxious and overwhelmed because we don’t have a clue where “there” is and we keep telling ourselves we’re not good enough to figure it out.

It would be one thing if we just accepted that we’re not “good enough” (whatever that is) and settled for who and where we are. I’m not advocating that, I’m just saying, if we’re telling ourselves we’re not good enough and that we likely always will be, wouldn’t it be better to just say, “Okay, I’m not ‘good enough,’ what do I want to do with where I’m at?” Sure it would be better. But we don’t consider that. We do this insane thing. We tell ourselves we’re not good enough, that we can’t start living until we are good enough, that we’ll never be good enough because there’s something fundamentally flawed in us, and then we beat ourselves up for not doing anything about not being good enough. We tell ourselves there’s nothing we can do to change our predicament and then we give ourselves a hard time for not changing our predicament.

That’s like my dad, who used to yell and hit me and my brother if we said anything that he didn’t like or that he disagreed with, giving us a hard time for not being honest with him and coming to him with our problems. Come on man! Really!

Rather than paralyzing ourselves with crazy thinking, why don’t we try something else? How about we figure out what good enough really means to us. Then how about we identify as honestly as we can, where we are now vs. where we’d be “if” we were “good enough?” What would we be experiencing in our relationships, our careers, our communities, and our self-care if we felt we had finally attained “good enough” status?

Then how about we identify the steps we’d need to take to get from here to there and set realistic goals for taking those steps (when and how)? And how about if, at the same time we’re starting to move forward towards our own definition of “good enough” we start to explore new ways of thinking and behaving that will allow us to feel deserving of having what we want?

The path from here to there involves both inner and outer change. We have to change our behaviour but in order to do that we have to first change our thinking from the old, paralyzing, nonsensical circular argument (I’m not good enough because I’m not good enough to do anything about the fact that I’m not good enough) to a rational, honoring, clear process of identifying what we need and developing the skills that we need to get it.

It’s a simple process really. And I’m going to walk you through it, step-by-step in 2010.

In the meantime, how about you take some time to sit with your computer or your pen and paper (I hear some of you groaning!! But hang in there, this will be fun!) and give your Drill Sgt. free reign for 5 minutes – only 5 minutes – to write down everything he can think of about you and your life that he judges as “not good enough?”

If you’re having a hard time getting started, you can approach it in reverse: What does the Drill Sgt. think you and your life should look like and where are you now in relation to those judgements?

Now that you’ve identified the myriad ways you’re “not good enough” look at each item on your list and ask yourself: Is this my definition of good enough? Where did I get this idea that I needed this thing in order to be good enough? Do I want to continue to believe that?

Write out your definition of good enough based on your assessment above. What does your inner dictionary say that it means to be “good enough?”

Email me what you come up with – and if you can’t actually come up with a solid definition, just know that you’re in great company, because there isn’t one!!! It’s entirely subjective! That’s the point. You can create your own definition for good enough or you can continue to live by someone else’s.

I personally vote for the former.

Thank you for a fabulous year of growth and change. I’m committed to continuing to grow and learn and experience life to the fullest in 2010!! How about you?

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, or the self-help approach, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC. And watch for coming announcements about our web-based program!

Powered by Twitter Tools

The pressure to perform and to conform to others’ expectations of who or what we should be creates a chronic state of anxiety that I call “the permeating level of anxiety” (PLA) and it is this chronic sense of disease or distress within that triggers us to restrict, or binge or purge.

If a child is raised in a home where the parents/caregivers have rigid standards and “tell” the child what to think (“you should/you shouldn’t” “here’s what to do …”) rather than “teaching” the child “how” to think (ie. “I trust you to figure it out, and I’m here if you need me” In other words: let the child figure out a solution and then offer them a little guidance if needed), the parents are rampant with all-or-nothing thinking and they will train-up little people in their right/wrong, good/bad, black/white, all/nothing way of seeing the world. These little people will struggle until they learn otherwise to trust their own gut intuition about what they feel and need and what is right and wrong for them in that moment. They will be filled with judgement towards themselves and often towards others who dare to deviate from the “right” way, while they suffer and struggle to be “good” and to do the “right” thing.

This all-or-nothing training sets us up to enter adulthood with a lack of trust in ourselves and our perception of the world which makes us very fear-based and often leads us into relationships with people who are dominant and rigid, just like our caregivers. Thus, because our primary relationships have always (or primarily) been with people who are dominant and who judge us as bad or wrong if we disagree with them, we begin to develop or to solidify a perspective of the world that is completely wrong and extremely stifling. We begin to believe that these dominant, rigid folks are “right” and that everyone, even if they don’t say so, thinks and feels like they do; that everyone is really as judgemental and as rigid even if they seem to be nice and open and non-judgemental.

In other words, we fail to see the world as it really is in all its color and diversity and we cement ourselves into looking for and seeing only those people and circumstances that support our world view. Thus we get to be right! Yay! The only problem is we’re not “right.”  We may be right in our assessment of certain people or circumstances but we are not right about everyone or about the world at large.

When we are kids and we are judged, shamed, berated, called names, put down, sent to our room without supper, get hit or threatened with harm, or other forms of rejection, it panics us. Our sense of self is so fragile as kids, and our need for the love and approval of the key people in our lives is so great – our survival depends on it – that any whiff of disapproval from a caregiver is traumatic to us. Until those key people wrap their arms around us and tell us they love us again, we are living in a state of PLA – constant anxiety – where we simply can’t relax and become hyper-vigilant and hyper-sensitive to every sound, gesture, look, movement etc. from the object of our need.

If you were raised in a family where all-or-nothing thinking abounded, chances are you felt rejected, judged and anxious a fair amount of the time and that even if your parents offered you “forgiveness” it felt conditional and that at any time the rug could be pulled out from under you again. Your fundamental sense of safety and security was undermined time and time again and that feeling of uncertainty and distress became such a constant companion, you hardly notice it now in your day-to-day life.

Thus, you can naturally feel hurt or upset or anxious or uncertain about many things over the course of your day, and even though that PLA arises in response to your hurt and uncertainty, you don’t even notice it, you’re so accustomed to its presence. But when you get home at the end of your day, or finally find yourself with a few free minutes, that feeling that has been there all along hits you like a tonne of bricks and overwhelms you, triggering you to head for the food, pronto!

It will seem to you like that anxiety arose out of nowhere and that it is proof that you just can relax or trust yourself around food.

The truth is, that anxiety has been building for years and over the course of that day as well, and it’s only when you stopped efforting for one moment that made it arise.

Here you have a choice. You can continue to judge and shut down to your anxiety – as you had to learn to do as a child – or you can finally stop doing to yourself what was done to you and instead of judging your appropriate response to stress (anxiety/PLA), you can say, “I’m feeling anxious, there must be something causing me stress right now, what could it be?”

The first step on the path to complete and lasting recovery from using food to cope requires your willingness to at least allow for the possibility that perhaps your perception of yourself is skewed and that you come by that skewed perception honestly – ie. you were taught to see yourself and your world that way. You don’t have to believe this, you just have to be open to the possibility.

The second step is to acknowledge that perhaps the people who trained you in their way of seeing the world had a few things to learn themselves and were therefore unable to teach you anything but their own all-or-nothing approach. It doesn’t make them bad, just limited.

The third step is to begin to get some tools for noticing and for shifting your all-or-nothing thinking. Give yourself the opportunity to explore another perspective on yourself and on the world. You can always go back to your all-or-nothing one if it feels more true or valid to you. But at least then it will be a choice you’re making rather than just continuing to live on auto pilot.

The world is a beautiful, bountiful place to live. You have the power within you to create a heaven on earth for yourself. But as long as you are buying into old training and rigid thinking about yourself and others, your ability to feel happy and peaceful and free and to confidently create the life of your dreams will forever be limited.

You deserve freedom, and it truly is much easier than you think.

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, or the self-help approach, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC. And watch for coming announcements about our web-based program!

What we are talking about here is called the “External Locus of Control”.  The External Locus of Control (ELOC) simply means that the power over your life and what happens in it comes from outside of you. Let’s consider the ELOC as something that you rate on a percentage scale. A very high ELOC means that 75 to 100% of what you do, think, and feel in your life is dictated by other people. If someone else thinks you should look a certain way or do a certain something, you immediately begin to question what you previously thought and felt was right for you. And it isn’t just one or two people that you feel dominated by — it’s everyone. When you have a high ELOC, you are constantly looking outside yourself for feedback about how to be, what you should do, and how acceptable you are. There are many problems with this, but it all boils down to the fact that your life is not in your hands. You are completely dependent on the moods and mental well-being of every individual you come into contact with. Therefore, you could never, not in a million years, feel secure. Your approach to meeting your needs for security and approval is consistently undermining your true potential to meet those needs now.

The point here is that, if anyone outside of you appears anything less than blissfully happy or has a contrary opinion to you, you will take this on and make it about some failing on your part. You will buy into your internal story or perhaps even their story that you have done something wrong or that your thinking is wrong. This leads to more external approval-seeking, more tuning out to what is true for you, and a reinforcement of the old belief that your authentic thoughts and feelings are unacceptable and should be kept well hidden.

You are no more responsible for the needs, feelings and behaviors of others than you are for the weather. And freeing yourself from that old, bogus double standard is truly as simple as making a commitment to no longer take responsibility for the feelings and needs of others (barring dependent children). Whenever the Drill Sgt. tries to tell you that your need for security or approval hangs in the balance because someone didn’t smile at you, ask him this: “Are you willing to encourage me to take equal responsibility for the good things that happen around me? If not, I can’t possibly be responsible for the bad!”

Excerpted from Food is Not the Problem: Deal With What Is! Pick up your copy today!