CeeCee's Crazy Corner

Shrinking My Footprint

2009-04-06T13:48:00.018-06:00

Since moving out to the country and becoming a full-time homemaker, I've become more sensitive to the impact my family and I leave on the environment. I've been working, slowly, at incorporating energy conscious, waste reducing habits into our lives. I know we could do better, but at least I'm actively trying to be more green.

(1) (<-- picture of the compost bin I want Mark to build) The biggest thing for us, that Mark still resists, is composting our household waste. I try not to buy paper towels, but I don't feel as bad when they go into the compost bin instead of the garbage when I do use them. I've found a remarkable amount of "garbage" that now goes into my little white garbage can in the kitchen that I use as temporary compost storage. I get giddy as I watch it fill!

(2) I've reduced our use of chemical cleaners for the house. I still have some around, but I'm weaning myself off of them slowly. My favorite replacement is good ol' vinegar and water (check out http://www.versatilevinegar.org/usesandtips.html). It cuts through anything, and I honestly love the smell after washing my floors. Clean, without that industrial irritation that I always used as the "clean" standard.

(3) We have big plans for a substantial vegetable garden this year. It's going to be alot of work (part of my weight-loss plan, no joke), but it will help us cut our purchase of non-local groceries, not to mention the taste of fresh produce is incentive alone!

I'm a bit nervous to be honest, about how much weeding will be required. We're planning on using organic methods as much as possible - no pesticides, herbicides, fertilizer etc. We'll see how it goes!

(4) Over the next few years, I plan on replacing all the lawn turf around the house and along the driveway with certified native grasses, shrubs and flowers. I know to some it may look a bit messy, as it will not be the immaculate green carpet of lawn to which we've all grown accustomed. The prairie garden will serve a few purposes: Low maintenance, environmentally sustainable, butterfly & moth habitat, native plants conservation, uniqueness. It's going to be a big multi-year project for me and I can't wait to get started!

Suck it up, Princess

2009-03-29T14:14:00.003-06:00

While I most often blog about my son, I do have another child to whom I am as wholly devoted. Princess Robyn fills our lives with sunshine; her smiles can make the grey-ist of days shine with color. We are a lucky crew when she bestows us with her happiness. If the servants of the petty household displease Miss Robyn, or the day just isn't as she dictated it to be - well, sunshine is more akin to fire and brimstone.

Thankfully, Robyn is a pretty happy child.

The Princess disdains mud, poop, smelly dogs, wet dogs, bugs, flies (especially dead ones), snow, cold, hot, tall grass, pokey grass, sticks and almost everything to do with the out of doors. This poses a problem for us as an outdoors-y/camping-y kind of family. I've coached myself and Mark that we cannot force her to enjoy somethign that goes against ehr grain, but she will be exposed. She's 3 1/2 afterall... surely there's time to convert her?

Today may have been a step in the right direction! Wahooo! We all dressed up after lunch to go outside and with minimal grumbling and whining she suffered through the chore of exploring and playing in the melting snow with Mom and Conner. As long as I held her hand and kept the dogs at bay, she was able to somewhat enjoy the warm sunshine. But then something happened.. she saw Conner playing on a snowpile, laughing and having fun and decided she wanted in on it.

"Conner get me up!", she instructed.

"No Robyn, you gotta climb up yourself." I cheerfully replied.

Robyn looked at me like I was crazy. How in the heck was she supposed to get up there without falling or, heaven forbid, get dirty snow on her? But.... she tried it! And fell on her face. In the snow. *grimace*

Conner gallantly offered her a hand and before you know it, Princess was sliding down the snowpile with a giant grin!

"That was fun Mom!" That is a success worth celebrating. Maybe she wasn't born to the wrong family afterall?

A good start to a new week

2009-03-23T21:34:00.003-06:00

Woohoo! Conner had a great day today at school. Considering where we started last week - it's something to celebrate. No hitting, biting, pinching, yelling or screaming - he did get upset but he worked through it with words.

I re-read what I write and try to see it through someone else's eyes and I wonder sometimes how we got here. Before Conner opened my eyes, I was the person who saw parenting in black & white. Children behaved, or misbehaved and that was dependent for the most part on their parents and the household rules. I've learned alot in my 6 short years as Mom... but nothing as powerful as an open mind (the humble pie I've had to eat by heaping spoonful helped).

We don't allow our son to jump off the back of the couch and fly through the air at random intervals throughout the day, but he does it. We don't allow Conner to physically attack the animals or his sister, but he does it. We don't allow temper tantrums, but amazingly, he's prone tho those several times a day. My point? It's not about rules and allowances - he does have to suffer the consequences of his poor decisions and some days are full of poor choices. But it doesn't mean he will not do those things and there's only so much supervision I can give him.

We're trying, hard, to learn why he's doing those things so we can help divert him and teach him to deal with his emotions and physical energy in more positive ways - but making a list of rules and allowances - cross it off the list.

I love my boy for so many reasons like every mother. On really difficult days I try to remind myself of the gift Conner is to us - before him, the world was black and white and had straight edges; Conner's world has brought color and deviation to mine.

I'm Baaaaaaaack

2009-03-20T21:15:00.003-06:00

Yes, I'm back from relative obscurity. No, I didn't go anywhere fun or exciting, I just simply have been distracted and fell out of the habit of blogging. It's important to me so I'm back and have promised myself 2-3 weekly updates! Yay me!!

On the home-front, we've had a bit of a rough 3 months. Conner's undiagnosis (yes I made that up) is becoming an issue. His teachers, the O.T., and now the Family Student Liaison worker are unsure how to proceed with Conner's treatment not knowing the full story. So we've set up another round of appointments to hopefully find some answers.

Concerns for him are growing for emotional well-being and mental health. He has anger and impulse control issues that seem to be worsening now that he's attending school 3 times a week. Sometimes, the outbursts are so bad that he is physical towards others or verbalizes threats.

I'm scared. There seems to be so much going on with my little boy, yet the cause is so illusive. I feel as though he's getting lost even though he's right here in front of us.

----------------------------

On a positive note, Conner celebrated his 6th birthday at the Royal Tyrell Museum of Paleontology as a sleep-over with his dad. Robyn and I treated ourselves to relative comfort at a local hotel, snacking on chips and chocolate bars in bed while watching "Tree House" until 11pm. We don't have t.v.'s in our rooms at home, so she thought this was a great treat.

While he still maintains that he wants to be Nigel when he grows up, Conner's head has been turned towards his father's childhood hero - Indiana Jones. As long as we get to see smiles like this one, I don't care what he wants to call himself!

Fear of Labels

2008-12-18T10:52:00.003-07:00

In my quest to gain a better understanding of my son, I have read alot of books, websites, talked to doctors, friends, family.. the list goes on. One unexpected discovery I made was a fear of labels by many adults. Mainly those outside of the profession of childhood development, seem to fear labels the most and are the ones that most often advise to "not label" the child.

I do understand the intent and the reasoning. It takes some willpower not to argue against it though. I decided a long time ago that I don't have time or will to change everyone's mind and they are entitled to their own opinions, but inside I cringe sometimes.

I was happy when Conner finally got a "label". I already knew, and had been struggling with for quite awhile, that something was off with my little man. A diagnosis was an acknowledgment for me, that yes, my instincts had been right and Conner really was difficult to manage. Mark and I weren't just deficient parents. I hadn't realized what a burden of guilt I had been carrying until Conner had been diagnosed with SPD and OCD. I now believe that it was a significant factor in the depression I suffered for several months this last couple of years. I have learned, that it's common for parents, particularly moms, of children with developmental disorders to suffer from depression - thought to be partially caused by their own misplaced guilt and the additional stress that a child with behavioural issues can add to a family.

A diagnosis and label also marked a beginning of a brighter, happier path for my son and our entire family. We started learning what was going on and how to address it. Previously, we just felt lost. While the process is not speedy, appointments were made and attended for tests to rule out physical causes for Conner's symptoms. Without the "label", the appointments would have been difficult, if not impossible to get. We now had a starting point to focus on for education of ourselves, and to pursue help for our boy.

The label gives us a common ground, or starting point when speaking with the professionals in Conner's life. Whether it is his teachers, OT, or doctor, it helps facilitate communication and discussion without having to start at the beginning every time. Most family and friends become nervous when the words SPD, OCD, or autism crop up, I think from lack of education on the subject and blind love for Conner.

For Conner, I think a label has helped because I now had a focus to my research. As his mom, I have gained a better understanding of him, and in turn I pass it on and discuss it with Mark. Conner's self esteem has come back, he's happier and more trusting. I'm not a professional and know I likely miss the mark on alot of things, but it has helped Conner tremendously to finally have some understanding. As parents we are learning the difference between behaviour he controls and behaviour that he does not. It means he's not getting punished for those things he cannot always control. Instead, he's given support to change or redirect what's causing them. (when we recognize it)

Conner is a child that marches to the beat of his own drum. He's unique and I love him for the perspective he has brought to our lives. The labels, as scary to some as they may be, help us as his parents by giving us tools to raise him in a world that may not always understand him.

No Fear.

The Ballet, Sushi, and Us

2008-12-15T09:11:00.005-07:00

I have always had a love for the arts; classical music, ballet, opera - but have had no one with which to enjoy or share. Certainly not my family, or my husband's family... and Mark tolerates some "culture", but turns back to hockey discussions as soon as he thinks he can get away with it. So, I decided a very long time ago, that when my children were old enough to start going, and too young to say no, I would impose my will upon them and culture them. So, for the second year in a row, I bought tickets for my family to see The Nutcracke r in Edmonton.

Yesterday in -35C (that's almost -40 for you Americans) weather, we drove 3 hours to Edmonton. Some may have suggested that we stay at home in that weather. Ha! I spent almost $300 on these tickets 3 months ago, no way am I gonna let them go to waste!!

Once in the parking lot, we change the kids out of their car ride clothes, complete with crumbs and smears, into their beautiful party clothes. My mom bought them each an adorable outfit earlier in the year. It's amazing how well these two kids actually clean up!!

(Their noses are still cold from the walk into the building)

The ballet itself was pretty good; if you're looking for a review, I think last year's was far better in talent and story, but the kids both enjoyed it. When the Nutcracker prince was injured by the King Rat, Robyn yelled in her little 3 year old voice, "He's dead!" At various times I had to try and shush her exclaims, but inside I was beaming. My little girl was fascinated! She followed the story quite well and was drawn into the dances. Conner enjoyed it also and demanded quite loudly for me to name the different dances, ie: the Russians, Arabians etc. It's hard being put on the spot like that when I know all the "real" ballet people sitting around us are pretending not to listen. The second half was tiring for the children, and Mark and I had to be quite creative in our bid to keep both kids quiet and behaved. I don't think we totally succeeded, but we weren't the loudest either.

Poor Conner was too hot (it was stifling in there), and the clapping had finally done him in by the second half. Every time the crowd started clapping, Conner started gyrating wildly and blinking, sticking out his tongue and other ticks. He also started the humming/singing that he does often when he's in public places - which I think was a sign that he had had enough noise. Thankfully, the second half wasn't as long, so he was able to finish out the show without having to disturb an entire row of people to leave in the middle (yeah, we sat in the very centre of the row - -1 point to me for the choice of seats).

The best part of the entire show was the end. I was chatting with the lady in front of us who was letting us know politely that she thought my children were a bit loud for her tastes to which I was feigning complete ignorance of the point. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around to about 4 or 5 people fawning at my children. One of the ladies told Mark and I that we have beautiful children and .. this is the best part: "They are wonderfully behaved." now don't worry, I don't actually totally believe this part because I know my own children. But, that was such a nice compliment.

Afterwards, we went for sushi as a treat for all of us. It was Robyn's first time and she decided upon seeing the maki rolls that sushi was not her thing. I had already ordered her a bowl of rice though, so all was good. Conner ate more maki than I thought he could fit in his little belly. He even drank some of my green tea! Looking across the table at my special guy, I had a vision of him in the future; a well travelled scholar who partakes in the finer, more cultured side of life. Ok, it's a stretch. But in his little suit complete with tie, sipping on green tea and eating sushi at age 5... it seemed fitting. (Maybe if we had our own sushi restaurant Conner wouldn't be so skinny and hard to feed!)

I look forward to next year. It's nice to step outside of our normal routine and do something different. I know the day will come that the kids won't be so easily swayed into going, so I'm going to enjoy these times I do get to enjoy this with them and my husband as fully as I can.

Our Right to Vote on the Coalition Government Petition

2008-12-02T22:29:00.005-07:00

Our Right to Vote on the Coalition Government Petition

Fellow Canadian readers, if you oppose the forming coalition and would like to sign a petition declaring such, or want to read more about why many are opposing it - please follow the above link.

I do not normally blog about politics, however this issue has struck a chord with me, as it has with so many other Canadians. It's amazing how much turmoil has erupted in such a short time.

I'm Home!!

2008-12-02T10:06:00.003-07:00

While the plane was coming down on the landing strip, I was imagining the reception awaiting me inside with my husband and kids. One of those movie welcomes with yells of "Mommy!!" and everyone trying to hug me at the same time. It was quite beautiful. Reality of course, rarely mirrors fantasy.

The plane had departed over 90 minutes delayed, so poor Mark had been entertaining and corralling two antsy children who were wholly tired of his sole company. When I finally came down the hallway to the reception/public area, there sat my husband, slumping in his seat with a happy smile. He looked positively sh*tbagged. The kids were hiding their faces in our old game, eliciting weird looks from the people around us. When I "found" them, the kids gave me hugs and kisses, and we all walked out happily to the car.

I had made myself a promise while I was away - no more yelling. I hate it, and yet I do it. Lately, I do it on a daily basis multiple times.

It lasted all of 20 minutes. It took us that long to get into the van.

*sigh*

My first day home was awful. I'm not blaming the kids, or anyone in particular - it was just one of those yucky days. It started with 5 (counted all of them) loose and gooey fresh puppy poops across the kitchen floor. Thank goodness it's lino. He couldn't stand and finish his business. No, he had to spread the love across and into every nook and cranny in the kitchen. Thanks Max. Just how I wanted to start my morning! Then a few crappy phone calls and fighting kids and a windy, cold day from hell. Just a bad day.

I promised the kids we would decorate for Christmas this year, so we made a plan after supper to get the first decorations out, including the Advent Calender that Conner keeps a close eye on for the entirety of December. That helped turn a yucky day into a great one. We had alot of fun and the inside of my house looks like the Christmas section of every department store projectile vomitted. The kids are happy and I can enjoy the garishness of it all by seeing it through their eyes. (Christmas and I have a sordid love-hate relationship) Tonight, we'll put up the tree, maybe.

I think Mark missed me though. After a long bath and a book (my wind-down treat after long days), I was greeted by candles and chocolates in the bedroom and one very cuddly hubby. I don't plan on leaving again any time soon, but it sure is nice to come home.

A Few Days Away

2008-11-25T10:21:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow night the hubby and kids are putting me on a plane, and they won't see me until Sunday afternoon! I'm headed out to British Columbia, to visit my grandmother. I promised her when we went out for Grandpa's funeral that I would be coming for a visit this fall. I realized, when I checked into flights to go to the funeral, that it was cheaper than I had expected - making it something attainable. I only wish I had checked before and could have visited grandad one last time.

So I'll be arriving at her house with a rented car and will be spending a few days, just Grandma and me. I'm looking forward to the time away from my family (I know it's bad), and hope I'm refreshed with a new perspective when I come home.

That means of course, that Mark will be on his own for a few days. It's amazing how much he gets done when I'm gone; last time he completely renovated the bathroom. It makes me wonder what it is that stops him from doing those things when I am at home? Ah well, I know I'm lucky to have a husband so willing to take on the kids and the house for a few days. He cooks and does the minimal cleaning and gets the kids to bed better than I do!

I'll be packing and doing laundry etc in preparations for my trip. I'll check in when I come home!

Introducing Queenie

2008-11-22T09:27:00.004-07:00

A few days ago, Mark was getting ready to head home for lunch when a half-starved, half-friendly pretty kitty came running up to him. Now, where he works is out in the middle of nowhere. He immediately called me and asked me if I still wanted a cat for the barn and of course, I said yes. I want a cat to keep down the mice, and no barnyard is complete without cats!

Queenie was purring when I met her. I'm guessing she may have been a pet at one time, but lost her way and has been living in the bush for some time. We've set her up in the barn with an old pillow and and a roll of fleece I meant to use for some craft project. I bring her warm watered-down milk every morning, along with a big bowl of food. She mews from the corner, shyly and then dives right into the food as though it's her last meal.

We weren't if she would stay or not, so we didn't tell the kids at first. Conner's still trying to get over the loss of Titten (another story to be told). But she's still here after 3 days, so we sat them down and told them about Queenie last night. We laid down the rules and explained why - no dogs and no visits unless with Mom or Dad. I think he actually might listen.

The best part - I named her, and Conner thought it was great! He hated all my puppy names but likes the kitty name, go figure! This weekend, we're going to add another barn cat from Mom and Dad's. She's also alone and I'm hoping the two can bond and keep each other warm. *fingers crossed*

I would post a picture if I had my camera cords. *grumble*

The 5 That Are Actually 4!

2008-11-21T00:01:00.008-07:00

Earlier this week, Stacey at Taylor Tidbits tagged me with a list of 5 things .. but it's actually 4. Conner would have a difficult time with this and would try to get "someone" to fix it - but hey, I like it and don't want a fix! Sorry guy.

So here is my list:

1- Show both hands in writing something

I *still* haven't found my camera cords.. hmm maybe I should look into some organization tips! I'm slowly unpacking and discovering new things every day! Oh well.. it's not pretty. I'm a very strong righty.

2- list 5 of your 50/50's..

#1 Spring OR Summer

#2 Sushi OR

Steak

#3 Spring OR Autumn

#4 Puppy Breath OR

Freshly fluffed bedsheets

#5 Yellow OR Lavender

3- 5 pet peeves

#1 Noisy eating - yuck

#2 Passing on the shoulder

#3 Loud talking

#4 Closed Mindedness (yes it's a word!)

#5 Birds that sing at 4am

5- 5 things that don't mix well.

#1 Pet cats and Pet birds

#2 Puppies and Carpet

#3 Public + Fountain

#4 Grandparents and Pediatricians

#5 Apple + Cheese - though I know people that SWEAR it's good

Puppy Preschool

2008-11-18T09:24:00.001-07:00

We have over a week under our belts now with Max. We've learned that primarily, Max likes to chew.

He is especially fond of Robyn's special plush mousie, so much so that Mousie now has to stay upstairs in her room so that she does not become a Maxie victim. I don't think Robyn would ever forgive him. We have plenty of toys for Max; chew toys, rope toys, rubber rings, but the puppy has discerning taste and shows a preference towards anything that is of the children's. It's working in my favor though! Toys left on the floor are prime puppy fodder and the kids are learning quickly to keep their stuff picked up. Yay!

Max is learning some commands. He has work to do and has been trying to dominate over the kids, so Mark and I are watching him and them closely and putting him in his place - at the bottom of the pack. He's still such a baby and I think because of his size, it's tempting to expect more of him than he's actually capable.

Off - four paws on the floor
No bite - not even nibble. Max can take my whole face in his mouth already at just over 9 weeks.. this one is very important for him to learn.
Bedtime - he doesn't like kennel time, but is doing alot better at night with Sasha's bed outside his kennel door. She's unimpressed with the bedroom move from the living room to the kitchen. She gets over the pout when they both get their bedtime treat.
Outside, Good pee - Max HATES going outside.

We're having lots of laughs and lots of learning! Can't wait to show pictures of our new baby. Camera cords still missing!

A Rocky, Kootenay Summer Vacation!

2008-11-15T13:10:00.021-07:00

This is most definitely been a long time coming, but better late than never! My husband and I planned a summer vacation this past year tailored towards our kids. At 5 and 2, we built in lots of stops and bypassed some sights, like museums, that we'll leave for next time.

So for the curious, here are the highlights of our family vacation in British Columbia: (in order by visit)

1. Takakkaw Falls: We drove through Banff National Park, but did not stop at the sights. Instead, we travelled straight on to Field. Our first destination was Takakkaw Falls. A warning: this drive is not for the feint of heart or for those with long trailers (tight cutbacks on the side of the mountain to maneuver),or for those that don't want to take the 30 mile (45 mins one way)drive. However, if you can do it, the trip is worth your effort! The natural trails leading to the waterfall were fun for the kids to explore; over roots, around boulders, and along the river. At the base of the falls was a rock slide area with giant boulders perfect for my little climber, Conner.

2. The Northern Lights Wolf Centre: Leaving Golden on Highway 1 headed towards Revelstoke is perhaps the best wildlife sanctuary I have toured. Specifically built and targetted towards education about wolves as part of a healthy ecosystem, this wildlife sanctuary is home to several rescued wolves. The atmosphere is casual, and not your typical touristy stop. It's not flashy and doesn't have alot of the amenities family type places often have to offer. You can purchase basic snacks and of course support the sanctuary by buying souvenirs, but the attraction is the education you receive by the small guided tour and the chance to see the wolves up close. Admittedly, the children were too young to fully appreciate this stop, but it was a great first introduction and we plan to go again. For kids that couldn't handle listening and waiting on the tour, a table with coloring is centrally placed and easily monitored.

3. Glacier and Mount Revelstoke National Parks: There are some great campgrounds, hiking trails, lakes, rivers and sights to see. We camped outside the parks at Albert Canyon Hotsprings under the Hemlocks and then made day trips to some of the hikes suited for small legs.

Skunk Cabbage Trail: This boardwalk hike was fairly short (we walked the whole trail and extended portion in about 45 minutes). The trail winds through a unique natural wetland that is home to the strange skunk cabbage plant. A stopover for migrating birds, this is a birders' paradise. The brochure lists a good chance to see Steller's Jay, Chestnut-backed Chickadee, Western Tanager, American Dippers, Magnolia Warbler, Black-headed Grosbeak, Rufous Hummingbird, Yellow Warbler, Townsend's Warbler, Common Yellowthroat, Merlin, and several species of Empidonax flycatchers along the Skunk Cabbage Boardwalk Trail.

The skunk cabbage is important as it is a favorite food of bears. The habitat is very important to their health and survival. Unfortunately, with the highway being so close, many bears are killed trying to cross the road to access this important food source.

The highlight for the kids was the giant pollywogs. We're not used to tadpoles this large back in Alberta! We spent quite a bit of time on our hands and knees watching them swim about in the water and trying to spot the ones with legs. I loved the opportunity to teach the kids about amphibians like frogs, and for them to see and hear the beautiful sounds in the wetland from all the birds and local inhabitants.

Giant Cedars Trail: While a bit more challenging, both kids navigated this trail up and down several long sets of stairs with ease. The trail makes a loop up and into a rainforest, taking you under a canopy of mjastic and ancient Hemlocks. Toadstools, ferns, birds, squirrels and other wildlife were spotted along the trail. A babbling brook added to the ambience. While not as exciting as the skunk cabbage trail for the kids, Mark and I were happy to have had the chance to relax and enjoy the natural beauty of the forest.

4. The Enchanted Forest: We made this a day trip, as it's not a very far drive from where we were camping. From Revelstoke it's a beautiful drive and well worth the stop. They've recently added an adventure park there for older families: walking on ropes in the trees in Sky Trek Adventure Park. The Enchanted Forest is home to every fairy tale known. Under the canopy of the giant trees, it's a calm walk along the dirt path. There are forts and a ship for the kids to climb on, houses to explore and fish to feed. For those wanting a longer hike, there is a beaver pond complete with tiny rowboats and life jackets. It's unsupervised and about a 2mile round trip hike, but we had fun! This is a stop we plan to come back to time and time again.

We did make some other stops, and our vacation continued for about another week to join with family on a houseboat, and then out to my grandfather's burial plot at Tatlayoko Lake in the Chilcotin. But for the most part, these were the tourist-type highlights that I'd not hesitate to suggest to others with younger children. Or older, for that matter, as we plan to return to all of these again as we pass through in future years. I loved the chance to spend this time with the kids with no televisions or computers or anything much at all except each other's company.

Mommy, I'm in Love

2008-11-13T17:03:00.004-07:00

Last Thursday night, a few hours after coming home, my son finally started sharing about his school day. It takes Conner some time to decompress, and normally I don't get to hear about his day until the next day or later, if at all.

He came up to me with a shy half smile and adorable flush and half whispered, "Mom, I have a girlfriend and I love her."

Me: Really? What's her name? (Inside I'm counting the years and thinking, isn't this puppy love bit coming too soon? I'm trying to keep the panic off my face)
Conner: I forget. But we play at every recess. I love her.
Me: Is she in your class?
Conner: No, she's in Grade 1 (The nerve, picking up the babies in Kindergarten!)
Me: (Getting smart) I'm glad you're making some friends at your new school Buddy! Your new friend sounds very nice.
Conner: She's my girlfriend. I love her very, very much.
Me: (in my head: You're barely out of diapers, how can you possibly love someone you've played with on the playground for 2 days! You - don't - even - know - her - name.) I think you mean your friend, that is a girl, right honey? Just like you have friends that are boys. (I then look at Daddy for help)
Mark: Mom's right buddy. You can like your friends very much and we're happy you're getting some friends, but we use words like love for our family and people we know for a long time.
Conner: Oh. See the toys I picked out to give (stumbles) My Friend That is a Girl? And see this picture? That's her and that's me. I'm giving it to her so she can think of me when she goes home at night.
Me: (coughing and choking on my words - this is hard for me to take) Conner you are too young to have a girlfriend.
Conner: (laughs) No, I'm not! (looks to Dad to share a laugh about his crazy Mom)
Me: Tell ya what, if when you are 12 (counts 7 years with him on his fingers) you still think you love her, than you can call her your girlfriend. But my rules say no girlfriends til then ok?
Conner: Ok. (matter of factly and slowly speaking as though I am the child) But I do love her and I'll just call her my girlfriend to myself (leaves room).

Now don't get me wrong. It is cute as heck. The adorable smile, blush, shy voice - everything. But I've got history with this kid. This is the kid that up until a few months ago had no friends. None. He cried about it almost daily. This is the kid that has choked kids on the playground while on the slide with misplaced understanding of what fun means. Overstimulation from noise and movement doesn't help... This is the kid that has taken beatings from bullies on the playground because it meant that he was noticed and maybe next time they would be nice. (His rationalization when we put the run on the kids and rescued our little boy)

He's had such a struggle learning to socialize that I fear one of his first experience with a potentially longer lasting friendship (small school), could be misunderstood. Conner has wanted so badly to fit in and be just like the other kids that I am worried he's placing too much faith and trust on one poor little girl's shoulders. She probably doesn't even realize the stir her friendliness and kind gestures have caused my little boy. Let's learn to walk before we run, please, little man. (sigh, this is the baby that started walking at 6months of age and running at 9months)

I'm not ready to mend broken hearts. And his is to young to even have any fissures... no breaking allowed. (this is the part that Mark starts to smile and tell me to relax)

Max Attack!

2008-11-10T09:19:00.006-07:00

We picked up our new/replacement puppy yesterday! (See Goodbye, Buster for background) The breeder had given us the pick, with a suggestion towards one of the more unique-colored males; a patchwork with browns, greys and blacks, with bands of speckles across his face and paws. As beautiful as he was... my eye and attention kept going to the biggest boy in the litter. He was the only one with wagging tail, following Conner around the pen. He also showed his alpha tendency by growling and barking at the other dogs clamoring outside the pen. That's the personality I want; despite it meaning a tougher training period ahead due to his (presumed) strong will.

Pictures soon!! The move seemed to have swallowed the USB upload cables for the digital cameras. He's a grey with black leopard spots, with light brown/rust on his snout, tips of his ears, feet, tip of his tail and some on his belly. He has one blue (wall)eye, one brown. The first name that came to mind was Rusty. That is his sire's name though, so this puppy should have his own name. Yes, we anthropomorphize all our pets.

Conner's suggestions were Starwars or Steroid (??what??) and shot down everything I had to suggest. Funny how that works. I called Mark on the cell and asked for strong names, historically. His mother is 90lbs, and his father is at least the same or larger. This 8 week old puppy is going to be a brute, and I thought should have a fitting name. He suggested Maximus, from General Maximus, Gladiator. Conner, in true form, agreed with his father and thus our new puppy is known as Max. I actually think of Mad Max, not for the dog as it's a Blue Heeler, and I really have no reason except who can resist Mel? It's only been about 12 hours and he's starting to respond, at least to our voices if not the name.

Night one was kind of rough, Max cried for about 10 minutes before falling asleep. (Yay, that went well) A few hours later he woke up and I took him outside to pee. We had unplanned playtime, and then I put him back to bed. This time it didn't go so smoothly.... I ended up sleeping on the couch with my hand beside the crate for the rest of the night. I know he's a bit young to crate train for long term periods, but this is our best option at night right now. Considering he and his littermates are farm/barn raised I don't think we're being too horrible.

So Max is home. I have a new baby and a new schedule. He's already reminded me in the short time we've had him why I hand babies back to their Moms and go home to my potty trained, sleep through the night children. Thankfully, and sadly, this particular puppy stage won't last very long.

Choosing the road less travelled...

2008-11-07T21:53:00.010-07:00

I've always been a bad sheep. I don't follow very well, and if I must (as there are times we all must be followers), I try to do so in a way that I'm still different even if it's only in my own little mind. (A scary place to wander indeed)

Some big decisions and changes in my own and my family's life again is proof of my unconscious choices to be different:

1. Stay At Home Mom

Ok, ok, I'm not inventing something new here obviously! But how many of you know Moms who work when the babies are babies.. then transition to home full-time when the children start school?

Backwards? Not in CeeCee land!!

We have reasons, but it is humorous to see the reactions from people trying to figure out why we have made this move now. I don't even try to explain that it took me 6 years of marriage and two children now out of diapers to decide I like being domestic and want to do it full-time...

2. New family dog

So we move to the acreage and decide we want a guard dog. Nothing out of the ordinary there... so I complicate it and pick a breed that has few breeders in this area. Why? Just look at him! Now that's different.

Ok, ok.. again, there are other very good reasons we(I) chose this breed, but it does help that he's so different. (Poor, poor Buster - we're going this weekend to pick up his replacement).

3. Cattle

So with our new acreage I can finally have a few cattle once again. Grass fed, natural (hormone free) beef to put in the freezer is something that interests me greatly. I could walk, literally, down my driveway and buy cheap cows or heifers to realize this goal. But nooooooo... I want Highland Cattle! If you need to know why click the pic, there's more adorable pictures and breed history. (They are healthier beef in addition to being so cute).

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It's me and my family showing our personality and way of life. We're different, and I like it. Do you purposely make yourself different? I'd love to hear it! (I won't feel so alone, ha!) If you post it on your blog, send me an email or comment your address so I can link it here for everyone to see. Perhaps we can find some common ground in our differences, eh?

Goodbye, Buster

2008-11-04T09:16:00.004-07:00

We picked up our puppy on Wednesday, after what had seemed to be a very long time but was actually only 30 days! He rode home on Conner's lap the entire way, sleeping and snuggling our boy who made sure to let us know how happy he was with this happy change. (We've been putting words to changes in his life and encouraging him tell us the happy and unhappy changes as he sees them).

Sadly, all hasn't continued on that happy plane. Upon arriving home we realized quickly that something was wrong - Buster couldn't see. It took us 2 days of watching and monitoring, and then testing to finally admit that our long awaited and already beloved puppy is indeed blind. We booked an appointment for yesterday, and they confirmed our worst fears; while Buster could have a productive life in a controlled environment, an acreage life is not the best option for this pup. One of the veterinarians that assessed him offered him a special needs home. It's up to the breeder though, so we've passed the information on in dire hopes he isn't destroyed.

The breeders are extremely apologetic and have given us pick of the litter for the next litter available (very soon), and we've arranged to take Buster back tonight. It's too hard to have him here any longer than needed. It's been heartbreaking for Mark and I to make the decision, and Conner hasn't really accepted that Buster has to leave us. I don't blame him!

sigh

So, hopefully soon we'll have a new puppy. Buster will never be replaced, he's too special a dog, even for the short time that we've gotten to love him. What's important is that we don't act selfishly and make Buster suffer for it, a lesson I'm hoping to impart on our children as responsible pet owners in the making.

Goodbye Buster, you'll be missed.

Finally Catching My Breath

2008-10-23T10:11:00.003-06:00

I think finally, we're getting back to our new normal!! The last 3 weeks has been more hectic than I had even expected, and to top it off we've had a couple drama incidents just add to add extra flavour.

I was supposed to be done work on October 31, however I have had to change my plans and am now juggling what I can for work hours while keeping the kids full-time. Why? I had to fire the babysitter and I'm just not going to look for another one. We've had to much trouble and stress over babysitters so it's time to just be done.

Here's the story:
Conner's bus picks him up from his babysitter's house anywhere between 8:05 to 8:10am. Normally, I have the kids there before 8, so Conner goes inside for a few minutes before the bus comes. On Tuesday, I arrived at just after 8, so I told Conner to stand at his pick-up spot and I let his sitter know he was outside when I took Robyn in. We didn't talk long because she was trying to keep quiet so her children didn't wake up.

Zoom forward 35 minutes. I get a call from the school that Conner had missed his bus, and that some stranger driving by had picked him up from the curb because he was crying and cold. She gave me a cell phone number to call. I immediately called to find out that the lady had actually returned Conner inside to the house - after waiting with him and walking back to her house to get a kleenex for his running nose. She admonished me for dressing my son so poorly and then I thanked her for her help. (I was in a bit of a panicked state of mind with worry for my boy) I left work and raced to the sitter's to find him inside, still very upset. I basically ripped the poor girl's face off when she started going on about the bus not picking him up. She couldn't understand why I was so upset that 1. she didn't know he had missed the bus 2. he had been crying all by himself outside and 3. she didn't immediately call me

I got Conner to school, thankfully and he had a pretty decent day considering. Phew. So many things could have happened, my stomach was in knots the rest of the day and all of the next; I feel it roll every time I think about how scared and alone he felt.

People have asked, well why didn't he just go to the house? And I can see their point, but it shows how very little other people know my son. Other children may have done that, and they may also have taken the mitts out of their pocket and put them on when they did get cold. But Conner 's mind wasn't looking for solutions - he was waiting for the bus! I know he'll be misunderstood alot - most people see a beautiful, smart, happy little boy and can't possibly fathom some of his challenges. For the most part I take that as a success; it means he's managing well! But it also reinforces why he needs me at home full-time. I may screw up, and I may not always understand the why's; no parent or caretaker is perfect. But when it comes down to it, Conner needs me to be his full-time support more than I need to work part-time.

Here's hoping for a calmer next week!

A Peek at Buster

2008-10-01T10:36:00.003-06:00

We're planning on buying a puppy to grow up on the acreage. After doing a bunch of research, I fell in love with the Louisiana Catahoula Leopard. While we had been planning on a Blue Heeler (Austrailian Cattle Dog), we decided the houla was the breed we want.

Of course, I wanted a rescue, or even a cast-off mutt or x-breed. That is still a possibility, much to Mark's chagrine (haha). But right now, I need to raise a dog to guard the kids and the home place, and a puppy from a proven set of parents is the best option for us right now. As wonderful a dog as our yellow lab, Sasha, is - she is no guardian. She can't even leave the kitchen if a cat is sitting in the doorway...

We're going to see him tonight to decide, and then will be leaving a deposit if all goes as expected. Because we won't be officially moved until November, they've agreed to hold him until then. The Martins generally keep their puppies for 12 weeks to be socialized with the adults, and being he's only about 8 weeks now, it should work out perfectly!

So, I thought Howie (from Haward, Guardian) would be a good name for our new little boy. But somehow he's already been christened Buster. Conner flat out shot down Howie with an emphatic no and strong head shake. Damn. If I'd have gotten the boy on my side I would have been golden!

Buster it is! I can live with that :)

BIG News!

2008-09-27T10:25:00.005-06:00

Some may have noticed I have been missing for a week or so... well I have good reasons!

First, I had big news that I couldn't share yet - but I was BURSTING to tell someone so I stayed away from blogging because I knew that I couldn't resist the temptation. Then I got so tied up in loose ends that I couldn't sit down long enough to write anything that would have resembling a coherent post. So what's the news? It's two -part:

1) We bought an acreage! We were able to leap on it before it was formally listed, so it all happened very quickly... Monday we looked at it and made an offer- Tuesday we signed papers for it...

It's a town away, which means the kids will be switching schools - but the Kindergarten class already seems well suited to Conner. It has a lower child-teacher-aide ratio, and the Kindergarten teacher duos as the special ed teacher, less people for Conner to deal with! She has already set up appointments to meet Conner, and then two half days to integrate him into her classroom. I was unsure of doing this to him - but I think, I hope, it will be ok.

2) I quit my job! OK, well I actually put my resignation in for October 31, and then agreed to do some interim wage cover-off to train and mentor a replacement.. but I made the big first step.

It's funny, I've had reactions from huge congratulations and people happy for us as a family - to "well what are you going to do with yourself?". It's really hard not to retort with a biting remark, but I'm trying hard not to be so defensive. Yes, we'll be lowering our standard of living and giving up some comforts - BUT for Mark and I, the chance for me to stay at home and support the family has an immeasurable value.

I'm so excited for our next step that I'm giddy! So that's why I've been so quiet; with so many things up in the air and then the initial rush of paper signing etc, I've simply been indisposed. I might even start a new blog to timeline the restoration of the 1920's house that we will be moving into.

Top Ten Reasons I'm NOT the World's Worst Mother

2008-09-12T08:51:00.006-06:00

Another fun game from Good Enough Mama!

1. My kids eat their vegetables and like them (uncooked, raw). In fact, Conner thinks that Broccoli is a treat and tells me I'm the best Mom for letting him have it before supper even though he's not supposed to be snacking at that time.

2. I let me kids get dirty. I mean, down in the dirt, only thing showing is eyeballs dirty.

3. I take Mommy Time Outs. When I get frustrated and start losing my cool I announce that I need a time-out and I go to my office for 5 minutes. If Mark's home, I can close the door and take longer.

4. I play video games with my kids. OK, so this might put me in the other category on some lists.... Conner and I have been playing Spore together. Just the two of us chatting and working together on something. I relate it to working on a puzzle... but with more colors and movements!

5. I like to take vacations with my kids, which means for us, no exotic getaways. I'd much rather sit around a campfire staring at the stars with my kids while I have them. When they're outta the house I'm soooo leaving this country though! I'm sure I'll come back.

6. I go worm hunting. Yep, and I even put them on the hook. I hunt grasshoppers for bait too. In fact, Conner bestowed me the title of The Best Grasshopper Catcher this past summer.

7. I listen to "The Wiggles" songs in the van even though they make me want to veer into oncoming traffic.

8. I participate in the tiny nudist colony we have going, much to Mark's chagrine. I don't go totally naked, that's just scary, but the kids and I hang out in the summer in our undies more than the neighbors want to know.

9. I sometimes feed them peanut butter sandwiches for supper. OK another iffy one - but it makes the kids think I am the BEST Mom... who can argue with that?

10. I stopped smoking. Took me awhile, but approaching my one year anniversary and I needed a number 10 reason :)

First Day of Kindergarten!

2008-09-11T16:18:00.005-06:00

Conner's official first day of Kindergarten was today. He's had one 20 min orientation, one half day, and today was the first actual day. He'll be riding the bus, but I'm going to give my guy some time to adjust and learn the ropes first.

So... it went ok! The last glimpse I had of Conner as I left the room made me sad for him - his face showed his fear. He looked lost, confused and so unsure of himself. That's the part that's hard for me to handle - I have to let him find his feet, but what I really want to do is hold his hand and cheerlead him throughout his day. The teachers told me Conner did well when I went to pick him up. He hasn't looked into my face yet, after being home even for awhile, so I'm on alert... usually means things aren't ok inside of him.

One issue: choking kids on the slide. The teacher asked me if this is common and what I do for it. I told her quite honestly, yes he becomes over-aggressive and inappropriate and we have no idea what to do about it. He needs close monitoring when engaged in high activity play with other children. I don't know what happens, but he loses himself and starts hitting, pushing.. apparently choking other kids. It's partly why we pulled him from soccer. His OT suspects it's due to visual stiimulation overload. I have to think some more, but my only answer for the teacher is we don't put him in those situations because he can't handle himself...

So, some good, some bad... but overall we're home and no tears yet :) My guy's first day is over.

Positive Reinforcement Activity

2008-09-11T11:02:00.007-06:00

One issue with which we struggle is Conner's attention seeking behaviours that more often than not tend to be mis-behaviours. Hitting, yelling, crying and temper tantrums - these occur with greater frequency when my attention is partly or wholly taken up by another task. Phone calls, for example, are prime for Conner to spin off into some crazy bouncing off the walls, ceiling and furniture tornado that turns off his ears and tunes out the world. Robyn tends to get hurt when this happens. So I end up with two upset kids. That's the background, yes we have work to do!

One of the main tools I use is pre-meditation and engage Conner in an activity before I have to leave the room or take my attention away. The same applies to Robyn, for consistency. I try my best to do this, as does Mark - but we're only human and you can't always plan for a 20 minute phone call. When speaking to my OT, she had a great suggestion to help reinforce Conner's good behaviour in a pretty simple way that should also help to raise his self esteem.

Every day, we choose a new colored piece of paper to put in an old picture frame I have. Every time we see him doing something nice or good, we give him a sticker to put on the paper. Some days, he has alot of stickers/stamps... other days not so many. At night, he puts the frame on the shelf by his bed, as a reminder of all the good things he did that day. It's also the first thing he sees in the morning to hopefully encourage him to fill up the new paper for the day.

It's a great activity - but it does take effort on our part to make it part of our routine. Conner has grown in leaps and bounds in the last three months, so it's hard to measure how each activity or strategy we're using actually makes a difference. I think overall, it's a great tool that has been helping our family as a whole be more positive in our feelings and interactions.

Robyn's Big Day

2008-09-10T10:38:00.005-06:00

My baby started pre-school on Monday, her second day was today. She's only 2! Yes, she'll be 3 next month, but I never thought I'd be packing my children off to school at such a young age. Conner we made the concession for because at 3, we knew he was having social problems and other issues and thought socialization in an organized and controlled environment would be good for him. It was the best thing that happened for us as a family and started us on the road to awareness and education for ourselevs and our boy.

So... after watching big brother go to Little Steps for two years, how could I say no to: "Mommy me go Bigsteps." OK... so I'm the mom that has my kid in school at 2. Fine, we're ok with that.

On Monday, I fed her lunch, got her dressed in her brand new clothes and "pretty shoes" and we drove to school. I escorted my smiling, bubbly little girl into the classroom... and 10 minutes later backed out realizing I wasn't even going to get a goodbye. Ok, I told myself to stop feeling so forgotten; it's a good thing she has so much confidence!

At 3, I'm back at the school, waiting in the hallway for my princess to emerge from the classroom. Other children run to their Mommies with hugs and smiles and screams of delight. My Robyn??

Stood in the middle of the hallway, crying. Refusing to budge, tears streaming down her face and falling to the floor, she looked absolutely heart broken and determined in her resolve not to move. Of course, I ask her why she's crying:

Robyn: "Me not go home, stay at school!", was her loud wailing response.

Me: "But you come back on Wednesday, let's go home!" (said all happy and cheerful)

Robyn: "No". (Crosses arms and continues to wail).

At this point I realize she really won't come home, so I bodily usher her to the bench, change her shoes and drag her from the school by her hand, all the while maintaining the biggest smile on my face (but inside I'm wondering if the other parents and teachers are thinking and wondering why the child doesn't want to go home with her own mother). We got home, still crying, helped everyone inside and I went to the basement (to do laundry) and sniffed back the tears. I'm happy for my girl, but damn! I wasn't expecting her not to need me for at least another few years.

Ok dramatics aside, Robyn is in heaven. Both my kids are technically in school, so I guess that means we have crossed into the next stage.

Today's Day Two! Maybe we can make it home without any tears :) (edit - we made it home, almost without crying, then water works started when we pulled up to home)

And as an aside, while supper was cooking Monday night, Robyn grabbed her snuggle blanket and asked me to "nuggle" on the couch with her. So maybe she's not totally over needing me just yet.

Our Juggernaut

2008-09-07T08:44:00.007-06:00

Last night Conner had another "episode". That's what we term his out of control, no cerebral thoughts periods - when lights on nobody's home - and all that's left is crashing, crying, yelling... you get the picture. I'm thankful now that we don't try to punish him out of it; we stopped treating it as simply bad behaviour when we came to realize that this isn't a choice for Conner, or something within his control. Now, I blame us as parents for allowing it to get to that point. Ok, so maybe that's being hard on us, but I do think our vigilance can save him from spinning out of control most of the time since we do know his triggers, mostly. I'll admit though, knowing doesn't always help - life is unpredictable!

Conner, his dad and sister went to Nana and Papa's for supper, for Papa's birthday. I stayed home because of a terrible stomach ache and headache that had me down and out most of yesterday afternoon. Conner apprently started getting wild on the trampoline, something I saw happen with our O.T. In sessions, he would use a body sock over his head to decrease the visual stimulation, which for Conner, is one major trigger. Another trigger is noise, and it is decidedly alot more noisy at Papa's then it is at home, to the point I battle headaches when I'm there! Usually I'm on high alert when we go to visit, just because I know from experience there are more triggers for Conner. So.. when Mark brought Conner home laden with sugar (yes, a huge trigger), after jumping on the trampoline for hours, then trapped in the vehicle with Dad and sis.. I took one look at the boy and his Dad and knew Conner was not well. Dad wasn't coping well either.

What scares me when I look at him when he's in this state, are his eyes: Blank, pupils dilated and darting. His pulse is racing, and his breathing is shallow. The little boy I love and adore is seemingly gone; as in not there. It hurts to see him like that, because deep down I know it must feel awful to feel that way.

Immediately we got him dressed for bed, and I dominated his bedtime routine with no wiggle room for any deviations. Once in bed, I mummy wrapped him (we tuck the comforter all around him, pinning his arms to his chest, around his legs and under his feet) and then placed a pillow on top of his chest. I sang him his bedtime song while leaning firmly on the pillow. Conner had started crashing down from his high upon entering bed, and the deep pressure did the rest of the work.

I don't like these episodes any more than I used to; they scare me every time. But, I don't feel as helpless as I did even 6 months ago, because we have learned some strategies to deal with them when they do arise. I'm so thankful they are occurring less than before (almost on a daily basis). Maybe it's education on our part, but I think it's also some maturation on Conner's. I have my fingers crossed for the latter.

I dream of the day that Conner can leave the stable environment that we maintain at home, go out into the relatively chaotic world (unaided), and maintain his self control, composure and above all, happiness.