Celeb Parasite

Kristin Cavallari Plays With Random Puppies

Fri, 3 Jul 2009 12:12:59 +0000

So Kristin Cavallari was out having lunch in LA yesterday when suddenly a woman with pasty legs came walking by with her dog. Kristin, being such a huge star on a crappy show, decided it would be just fine to pick it up and play with it. Clearly the dog wanted nothing to do with her and I look for the owner to press charges for puppy distress or something.

Well That\'s Sorta Awkward

Fri, 3 Jul 2009 12:03:23 +0000

Here\'s Gisele Bundchen out in Brentwood demonstrating the latest and greatest model walk that she plans to unleash to the world soon. Look for 18 year old wanna be girls everywhere to start walking exactly like this, arms awkwardly above the head, sorta like a monster. A pretty hot monster, but still a monster.

Kevin Jonas Becomes a Man...Almost

Thu, 2 Jul 2009 12:05:50 +0000

Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers has popped the question to his long-time girlfriend. And that question is of course, \"will you hold my hand on our next movie night?\" Of course I\'m lying because I spit on anything sacred, so let OK! Mag take over:

As reports circulated that Kevin Jonas, 21, popped the question this morning to his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa, a 22-year-old hairdresser, his brothers Joe and Nick Jonas sent out their well wishes via Twitter to let the whole world know how happy they are for their brother.

\"Congrats big brother.....Dani welcome to the family, we can\'t wait to have you join us on the road! love Joe and Nick,\" the boys Tweeted this afternoon.

That last bit indicates that Joe and Nick might possibly think they are marrying her too. Who wants to break it to them that Kevin is the one getting married and will soon be convinced to leave the band by his wife to pursue a solo career that will never sell more than 3 and a half records? Ooh let me, let me.

Hayden Panettiere for Seventeen Magazine

Thu, 2 Jul 2009 11:56:55 +0000

Apparently whoever uploaded these pictures to the Web thought they would stick to true midget form for Hayden Panettiere by making them smaller than most desktop icons. So when you view these, don\'t expect high resolution although I think they are technically life size.

David Carradine\'s Death Almost Definitely Accidental

Thu, 2 Jul 2009 11:55:55 +0000

It was first thought that David Carradine committed suicide, but that was before everyone knew he was some kind of asphyxiation sex freak. Once we knew that, we all knew it was an accident involving Thai prostitutes and a lot of rope. Now a private autopsy and TMZ are basically confirming that.

Forensic pathologist Dr. Michael Baden said the cause of death was from asphyxiation -- and that binding on his body helped rule out suicide. Baden said Carradine\'s hands were tied above his head, not behind his back -- but he still needed more information from Thai police to completely rule out the possibility he was killed by someone else.

With Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Billy Mays dying, and then about 10 others like George Clooney and Jeff Goldblum being rumored to be dead, I nearly forgot about David Carradine and his ridiculous death. We can finally put it to rest though. RIP, for good.

Jennifer Aniston Versus Angelina Jolie. Again.

Thu, 2 Jul 2009 11:50:14 +0000

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are always going head to head in something. Usually it involves Brad Pitt\'s naked, sweaty body but now it\'s how much money they made last year. According to Reuters:

Angelina Jolie is Hollywood\'s top earning actress, banking $27 million in the past year to beat out her partner Brad Pitt\'s ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, who raked in $25 million, a Forbes.com study showed on Wednesday.

Most of Jolie\'s income came from her share of the profits from her action film \"Wanted,\" but she was also paid a large upfront sum for her role in \"Salt,\" the study said. Jolie and Pitt have six children.

Aniston, who was married to Pitt before he became involved with Jolie, earned most of her millions from the romantic comedy \"Marley and Me\" and her upcoming film \"The Baster.\"

And of course Angelina Jolie wins again. The husband and now the money. Not to mention attractiveness, age, number of kids, and the ability to curve a bullet.

Jermaine Jackson Wishes It Was He Who Died

Thu, 2 Jul 2009 11:45:16 +0000

The AP has a story on Michael Jackson\'s brother, Jermaine, who is the first family member to sit down for an interview and attempt to cash in on MJ\'s death with some publicity.

Jermaine Jackson says he would like to see Neverland Ranch as his brother Michael\'s final resting place.

In an interview broadcast Thursday on NBC\'s \"Today\" show, Jermaine Jackson also said he wishes he had died instead of his younger brother, and that Michael was \"a gift from Allah.\"

\"He went too soon. I don\'t know how people are going to take this, but I wish it was me,\" Jermaine Jackson said.

Guess what, Jermaine? We all wish it was you, too. Who are you again? I didn\'t even know there was a Jermaine Jackson. There\'s obviously Michael, then Janet, and then that crazy Latoya chick. After that, I figured they were all already dead or something. Clearly music is not my strength.

Lindsay Lohan Goes Out

Thu, 2 Jul 2009 11:30:31 +0000

Lindsay Lohan was mobbed by another swarm of photographers a couple nights ago as she set out for a hard night\'s work in hooker boots and ...hooker clothing. Hmmm, career change for Lindsay? Doubt it.

Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger. What?

Wed, 1 Jul 2009 12:06:35 +0000

Let me just say that I\'m a straight man, but that would change very easily for Bradley Cooper. So to learn he and Renee Zellweger are a couple, I just don\'t buy it. She looks like a rough Wednesday night and he\'s the coolest guy ever. But OK! Magazine insists it could be true:

The pair, who co-star in the upcoming Case 39, were spotted together at Antonucci, an elegant Italian restaurant on NYC\'s posh Upper East Side, where one diner tells OK! that this was no friendly chow session.

\"He pulled her chair out for her when she sat down and he kissed her on the hand,\" says the witness. \"If they\'re just friends, they were being awfully affectionate!\"

Renee and Bradley were seated at a corner table, where diners describe their behavior as \"flirty,\" \"relaxed\" and \"cute together.\"

Okay, so you have two attractive (one much more than the other), famous, rich people in their 30s together. They\'re co-starring in a movie together. And just because he pulls the chair out and they act flirty, they\'re dating? Silly diners. Silly, silly diners. I call total BS on this one, and I\'m never wrong.

Kim Kardashian Actually Cares

Wed, 1 Jul 2009 11:57:47 +0000

In completely shocking news, Kim Kardashian has done something that isn\'t extremely superficial or desperate to keep another 15 minutes of fame. Well, actually it probably is for publicity, but let\'s pretend we can see the good in her for a second. People reports:

Want to dress like Kim Kardashian? Well, not only can you snag some of the stylish stars fashions directly out of her closet, but you can help the Dream Foundation, the first national wish granting organization for adults suffering from life-limiting illness. The star has put select pieces of new and gently used clothing up on eBay to help benefit the organization, which seeks to enhance the quality of life for individuals, and their families, at the end of their lives by realizing a final wish. Kim explains, \"I love to be able to pass along some of my favorite pieces to someone else who will get to enjoy them as much as I have. I even have many items I never had a chance to where yet. A few times a year, I bring my outfits, shoes, and accessories to Auction Cause who puts them on eBay for me.\"

So, in other words, she upgrades her wardrobe every 2 weeks and has no room for her old clothes, so she uses this organization to get a little more publicity. And it works. Kim K is some kind of genius, that\'s for sure. And here she is walking around in Beverly Hills, shopping for clothing to replace the stuff she just gave away.

Maybe Spain is the Secret

Wed, 1 Jul 2009 11:46:13 +0000

So what is Gwyneth Paltrow\'s secret? She\'s actually a man. But other than that, according to AP, the country of Spain changed her life:

Paltrow said Spain \"became a second home.\"

\"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it\'s from 500 B.C., it\'s incredible,\" she said.

\"Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren\'t running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don\'t always have their Blackberries on.\"

We all know the real reason she likes Spain, and that of course is bullfighting. These beautiful celebrities all have secrets, and Gwyneth\'s just happens to be watching a grown man stab a bull in the neck in front of a cheering crowd of barbarians. And Gwyneth Paltrow.

Michael Jackson\'s Will Filed Today

Wed, 1 Jul 2009 11:35:37 +0000

The crazy people over at TMZ have discovered what\'s in Michael Jackson\'s will, which will be filed today:

We now know what\'s in Michael Jackson\'s will -- for starters, he never said where he wanted to be buried.

We\'ve learned the will -- which will be filed today -- is 5 pages long. As for who gets what -- Jackson\'s entire estate goes to the Michael Jackson Family Trust. The trust documents are not included in the will and the contents of the trust remain confidential.

We\'re told the trust provides for Michael\'s children and mother, and distributes money to several charities.

Well, this is a depressing day. I thought for sure after the evening we spent at the Neverland ranch in 1995, I would be firmly in his will to at least receive a few thousand bucks or a vintage record. Oh well.

The New Miss USA Stuffs her Face

Wed, 1 Jul 2009 11:28:17 +0000

First of all, I have to say that Kristen Dalton is the first Miss USA in history that actually deserved it. Usually they look like some trailer trash, hillbilly pageant reject. Okay, maybe not that bad, but Kristen is definitely deserving of it. Of course after that huge banana split takes effect, she might not be so appealing. 5000 calories, why not?!

Kate Beckinsale in Some Vogue Outtakes

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:21:37 +0000

If these are the outtakes, can someone please show me the ...intakes? Kate Beckinsale looked scorching in her photo shoot for Vogue magazine, and here are the pictures to prove it.

Hey, George Clooney isn\'t Dead

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:17:18 +0000

I\'m really getting tired of writing about death, whether it actually happened or some group of losers decided to start a rumor that it happened. But I\'m going to anyway. The latest is that George Clooney died. Sources say:

For some reason, some seriously messed up people at fakeawish.com dropped some evil rumors that Clooney was the latest star to croak this week ... and now, we\'ve learned the fake stories have caused some serious concern within his circles.

TMZ spoke with Clooney\'s publicist, Stan Rosenfield, who told us he\'s been bombarded by frantic calls from legitimate media outlets and some of Clooney\'s friends who were genuinely shaken by reports of Clooney\'s death.

This is starting to make me want to start a rumor of my own. Maybe Matthew Perry died in a boating accident or Tom Arnold was hit by a bus in South America? Then again, I should pick someone who people might care about. Forget it.

Michael Jackson Was Not a Biological Father

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:13:11 +0000

Not that it matters at all, but TMZ has learned that Michael Jackson nor Debbie Rowe are the biological parents...of anyone.

Multiple sources deeply connected to the births tell us Michael was not the sperm donor for any of his kids. Debbie\'s eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services in the births of Michael Jr. and Paris.

In the case of Prince Michael II (the youngest), we\'re told the surrogate was never told of the identity of the \"receiving parent\" -- Michael Jackson. Three days after Prince was born at Grossmont Hospital in San Diego County, Jackson\'s lawyer came to the hospital to pick the baby up and deliver him to Michael.

All right, that\'s just too confusing and I don\'t have a calculator near by. What ever happened to two people getting together on a rainy night in the back of a Camaro and 9 months later, a celebrity blogger is born? My parents told me all about it.

Awwwww

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:03:58 +0000

You all heard the stories leading up to Sarah Jessica Parker\'s surrogate mother giving birth to twins for her and Matthew Broderick. Well, the picture is above and they couldn\'t be happier. Sources say:

The baby girls Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick and Tabitha Hodge Broderick were born last Monday at an Ohio hospital to a surrogate mother.

The photo, taken Monday in New York, shows a happy family: Parker and Broderick are smiling, each holding a twin. Their 6-year-old son, James Wilkie Broderick, stands in between mom and dad, gazing down at one of his little sisters.

So in a week where almost every celebrity has died, at least Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick had some good news to share. Maybe I\'ll go buy all 250 seasons of Sex and the City to show my appreciation. Actually scratch that, I\'ll go pet a horse.

Zsa Zsa Gabor Still Alive, Out of the Hospital

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:58:40 +0000

Trying to find celebrity news that has nothing to do with Michael Jackson is almost impossible. It\'s made me resort to writing about Zsa Zsa Gabor for which I will never forgive myself. But anyway, the AP took a break from MJ to report:

Zsa Zsa Gabor is back home after spending six days in a hospital being treated for flu-like symptoms.

Her husband, Prince Frederick von Anhalt, said Monday the 92-year-old actress was treated at a hospital and released. He did not provide details on her condition.

Gabor is partially paralyzed from a 2002 car accident and reportedly had a stroke in 2005.

The actress, married eight times, had a middling film career mostly in the 1950s and has epitomized the celebrity who is famous for being famous.

So there you go. Now you can show your dad and grandpa this Web site and they\'ll actually know someone on it. I aim to please.

Cheryl Tweedy Leaves Her Hotel

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:52:19 +0000

Cheryl Tweedy was spotted leaving her hotel by about 400 people giving me the impression there was an announcement on CNN about the exact time she would be leaving. Maybe there was, who knows. But either way, here she is signing autographs and being photographed to the point of inducing skin cancer.

Don\'t Call It a Comeback (but it is one)

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:42:06 +0000

The original popstar from the 80s, Debbie Gibson, has decided to make a comeback for some reason. If you don\'t know her, just imagine Britney Spears 15 years earlier and without all the crazy stuff like a shaved head.

So anyway, here she is singing her 80s heart out for all of you fans at the age of 38. Not bad, still beats Britney.