CelebNewsWire

Goopy Gets Poopy

2009-07-10T16:45:51Z

Stars will go through a lot to maintain their technically hot physiques. Rigorous workouts with trainers, restrictive diets, and surgery. And, if you're Gwyneth Paltrow, a "cleanse" because apparently "toxins" build up in your "system" and you have to let your digestive system "rest" because, like, your digestive system wasn't built to digest things and needs a "break". Quotation mark overload. Gwyn writes in her GOOP newsletter:

As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long �Clean� detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious �relax and enjoy life phase� about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc.

Well, thank god she got that pesky "relax and enjoy life" phase out of her system. Literally.

Jodie Foster Dives Head First into Beaver

2009-07-10T16:40:36Z

If you've been around these CNW parts long, you know one thing. Our humor averages out at about the seventh-grade mark. Boners? Funny. Farts? Funny. Nonsense words for boobies? Totally funny. And today this sophisticated sense of humor has led us to cover an area that usually doesn't interest us: casting of upcoming films. Really, unless the trade papers are talking about Scarlett Johansson starring in a movie called My Life as a Sex-Addicted Nudist or some such, we don't care. But today a title caught our eye: Beaver. Directed by and starring Jodie Foster. Hahahahahaha. Says Risky Business Blog:

Break out the animal puns -- "The Beaver, Anonymous Content�s hot project about a man and his beaver puppet, is getting a whole new coat of fur. And it's not exactly what you'd expect.

Jodie Foster is in negotiations to head to the director's chair for, as well as co-star in, the whimsical drama, while Mel Gibson is in talks to play the lead role.

Oh, that's nothing. Jodie Foster directs beaver every night�directs it onto her face!*

*Nope, we can't tell if that one's out of line either.

Lindsay Lohan Can't Pay Locksmiths When People Are Starving in Africa

2009-07-10T16:00:32Z

You might have heard some rumblings about Lindsay Lohan calling a locksmith recently and not paying the dude for busting open the door for her. But don't blame Lilo, guys. It's, like, so not her fault or anything, because the locksmith was a jagoff. And everyone knows that you don't have to pay for things when someone's an asshole to you. Waiter intentionally spills soup in your lap? Order another beer, bra, cause dinner's on the house. Lap dancer complains about the smell when she gets too close to you? Free boners all night long! MSNBC relates Lindsay's woes:

When Lindsay Lohan stiffed a locksmith following an unnecessary house call, the actress didn�t anticipate any public backlash. Then again, Lohan failed to realize a TMZ paparazzo filmed the event. While chatting with the sly cameraman, Lohan admitted she requested the service but felt the locksmith was a �total dick� for demanding money after she and a pal broke into the house on their own. The news prompted negative tweets in the Twitter-verse and left LiLo on the defensive. �THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD THAN A LOCKSMITH @ A HOUSE,� she wrote. �TURN ON THE WORLD NEWS OR GOOGLE REAL WORLD ISSUES. XOXOX�

We can just see it now: Lindsay walks into some fancy-pants boutique on Robertson Blvd., loads up with leggings-as-pants and threadbare old t-shirts that look like they came from the Salvation Army, and starts to walk out the door. When the clerk stops her to demand payment for the goods, Lindsay huffs, "How can you expect me to pay for clothes when there is war in the world? Don't you watch the news? Don't you know we're in a recession? There are more important things for you to worry about than whether or not I pay for these clothes. God, woman, open your eyes and learn about the horrors going on the world. You're such a dick."

Hang It Up, Jamie Foxx

2009-07-10T15:57:04Z

You know how when you do karaoke, there's always the one random drunk hefty guy in a baseball cap who insists on jumping up and grabbing the mic away from strangers like, "I'm jus' gonna sing backup, dude! Woo! HERE I AM! RAAAAACK YOU LIKKA HUR'CANE! WOOOOOOO!" That's Jamie Foxx. He takes the stage, he chews the scenery, and everyone groans. Even Rihanna is sick of his horseshit. Page Six reports:

JAMIE Foxx . . . laid into Rihanna during a party at Tao in Las Vegas the other night. "Jamie took over the microphone and started doing a show. Halfway through, he asked Rihanna to join him onstage," said our spy. Rihanna declined, but Foxx continued to badger her." The deejay played "Umbrella" and "She got up to leave, and Jamie told the deejay to stop the record," said our source. Foxx shouted, "You can't go while your song is playing. Relax." Our witness said, "Rihanna stayed and pretended to enjoy herself, but it was so obvious she was fuming. As soon as the song was over, she got the hell out of there."

Given Foxx's propensity to do unprompted imitations of other artists, we're surprised he didn't just whip on some lipstick and a dress and sing "Umbrella" himself. The one good thing that could come of that would be the possibility of Chris Brown cold cocking him in the kisser.*

* Was that joke out of line? We can't even tell anymore.

CNW Junk Drawer: Botox Not Nice for Weisz

2009-07-09T17:27:44Z

� Jenna Fischer is engaged. And not to you. Suckerrrrr. (Fatback)

� Rachel Weisz wants a Botox ban for actors. Easy for you to say, Miss Prettyface Pretty of Prettytown. What about the rest of us Buseys? (Amy Grindhouse)

� Large-eared, fame-starved dermatologist Arnold Klein says he didn't father Michael Jackson's kids. Maybe. Probably not. Not to the best of his knowledge. Well, he did jizz into a cup once, but where that jizz went is anyone's guess. (Hollywood Grind)

� Lily Allen topless in i-D mag. Did they airbrush out the triple nipple? (Egotastic!)

� Lady Gaga denies the world her vagina. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

� We may be headed back to the world of the shaved head and latte IV drip. Pull it together, Britney. (Bitten and Bound)

� Kendra Wilkinson will instill the fear of bras into her child. Fear of God, fear of bras. Whatever. (Yeeeah!)

� Kristen Stewart knocked up by Robert Pattinson. Listen, movie execs. If you're going to start rumors to sell movie tickets, start ones that won't end with 300 irate 11-year-old girls stabbing K-Stew to death with iCarly scented pens. (Allie Is Wired)

� Mr Skin's Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes list . . . almost at the halfway mark! (Mr Skin)

� Prince Harry is "smitten" with Natalie Imbruglia. Is this the next hot dating craze? Royals and '90s songstresses? Can't wait until Prince Wills hooks up with Joan Osbourne. (Digital Spy)

Carmen Electra's Parisian Pair in Las Vegas

2009-07-09T16:33:54Z

Congratulations to Carmen Electra, who found a job! The economy is in the toilet, and even celebrities are struggling to make a buck. Carmen is performing in a burlesque show (hi, 2003) called The Crazy Horse Paris, which is not in Paris, but in Las Vegas. But the naked boobs, bobbed wigs, and spangly silver beading tell another tale. A tale of a wide-eyed, curly-maned urchin lost in the city of sin, working her way up from eating Doggy Chow and giving lapdances at the Cheetah to wearing Ver-says and winning the starring role in Goddess! Nomi Malone, Cristal Connors, eat your hearts out.

The boobs are after the cut.

Mary-Louise Parker's Sweet Cherry Pie

2009-07-09T16:29:10Z

Do you see Mary-Louise Parker over there laughing at you? Yeah, that's because you've been had. She's made a chump outta you, foo. Back in May she was all like, "I never wanted to get naked on Weeds. I was tricked. I was used. I will NEVER be doing that again." And you believed her. You looked at her big ol' hairy muff in Angels in America and you wept. Wept for all its squandered potential. But fear not, young buckaroo. The newest issue of Esquire magazine features Mary-Louise Parker nude. We're talking a nice bare ass and one petite teatlet. The left one if you care for details. There's no hairpie, but there is cherry pie. MMMMMM. See the pics after the cut.

Kate Winslet To Stop Getting Nude. Eventually.

2009-07-09T15:40:07Z

There's a misconception in America that the English are more civilized than us, more cultured. But have you ever listened to their actresses talk? Keira Knightley can't get through a sentence without saying "fucking tits" at least once. And now Kate Winslet is going on about her undies getting stuck up her ass. That sounds pretty crass and American-like to us. She told Harper's Bazaar (via our favorite gossip wedgie picker, FemaleFirst) that celebrities are just like anyone else:

Our knickers will still go up our ass at the most inappropriate moment, and we'll still want to flick them out, but you can't because someone is going to catch you.

If that happens, I run behind pillars and things.

OK, so maybe the Brits are more civilized than us. Britney Spears probably puts a wedgie-picking photo on her Christmas cards.

But wait! There's more. Kate also talked about the fact that she's pretty much never showed up on screen without her boobies hanging out. (OK, maybe once or twice.) She's cool with the nudity now, but she's realistic. Once she can use her nipples to pick out the lint between her toes, she'll put those puppies away.

I�m used to people openly discussing my tits. If people are noticing my boobs in a movie and saying they do what real boobs do, then that's great.

I'll be 34 in October. I can't keep getting away with it. There was so much of it in 'The Reader' because the story required it, but people have seen enough of my butt and my boobs. I have to put them back.

The thing is, doesn't Kate say this after every nudie movie she does? She's all like, "Oh, it was awful. I hated every minute of it. I don't think I could do it again." And then she turns right around and takes out her tits again. Don't get us wrong, we're not complaining. But with Sandra Bullock and Hayden Panettiere bragging about their nude scenes where not a smidgen of flesh makes it to the screen and Kate saying she's through with nudity right before airing out her muff, we're confused. We don't know who to trust, who to put our faith in. At this point the only person we can count on when it comes to flaunting funbags is Pam Anderson. And that's sad.

Tonight, on a Very Special Three's Company

2009-07-08T17:04:54Z

Come and knock on our door! We'll be waiting for booze! Joyce DeWitt, aka Janet from Three's Company, was busted for DUI over the weekend. Now let's switch theme songs for a moment and sing "give us any chance we'll take it, give us any booze we'll drank it" because guess who was pulled over for the same offense? Eddie Mekka! AKA Carmine Ragusa from Laverne & Shirley! TMZ has the flattering mug shots and the stories:

Law enforcement sources tell us DeWitt drove past a barricade Saturday afternoon -- and when an officer approached her, she smelled like booze. She was given field sobriety tests and then arrested for suspicion of DUI. The 60-year-old actress, who played Janet Wood on the 80's sitcom, posted bail for $5,000.

The guy who played Carmine "The Big Ragoo" Ragusa on "Laverne and Shirley" was arrested last Friday in Las Vegas after he allegedly got into a drunken car crash.

Law enforcement sources tell us they received a call at around 12:30 PM about a collision with a "suspected drunk driver." When officers arrived, they found Eddie Mekka and administered field sobriety tests.

Janet and The Big Ragu in one week. Right after Farrah and Michael leave us. All our childhood icons are either croaking or drunk drivers! Next thing you know, Tootie Ramsay and Jo Polniaczek get busted for cashing bad checks on a meth binge and Slim Goodbody admits to steroid use. Just crap on my youth a little more, why don't you.

Lindsay Lohan Can Star in Her Own Hangover, Thank You Very Much

2009-07-08T16:38:27Z

All this time you've been thinking that Lindsay Lohan was unemployable, that no sane director would agree to helm her follow-up to I Know Who Killed Me. But truth is, girl's just picky. Her people want you to know that scripts are just being thrown at her, directors are begging, "Please, Lindsay, please, you're the only one who can play this part," but Lindsay's all, "Nah, it's not up to my standards. Too pedestrian. Get me something with teeth." That's why you saw Heather Graham's titty in The Hangover and not Lindsay's. Sayeth IMDb:

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly reeling after turning down a starring role in hit comedy The Hangover - because she believed the script had "no potential".

Director Todd Phillips was reportedly set to take a risk on Lohan by asking her to play stripper Jade in his bachelor party movie.

However, Lohan wasn't impressed by the film's screenplay, and rejected the part, which eventually went to Heather Graham, according to Us Weekly.

A source tells the magazine that the star's agent "tried hard to get Phillips to consider her," but "Lindsay said she didn't like the script".

"You want me to do a movie with the guy who directed Road Trip and Old School? That couldn't possibly be successful. Now the script my pot dealer gave me, that thing's gold. It's about this leprechaun who gives out pots of weed instead of gold. And I'll be the girl who goes searching for the leprechaun by chasing every rainbow I see. And the whole time I'll be dressed up like Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz. It will be a masterpiece."

Harry Potter and the Half-Shown Panties

2009-07-08T15:58:25Z

Harry Potter star Emma Watson really knows how to celebrate a momentous occasion. When she turned 18, she decided to show the world her Hufflemuff, and she got so into the Hogwarts lore that she did it through striped panties to match the stripes of the Hufflepuff house scarf. So at the London premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night, Emma got into the spirit again, giving us a flash of her panties. Sure, they're very practical, not-too-sexy flesh-colored briefs, but still: panties. And you might be saying to yourself, "But, CelebNewsWire, Emma arrived on the red carpet during a rain storm. It was very windy. She could not control where the wind sent her dress." "But young Daniel-san," we say, "look at that first pic down there. It's as if she's pulling her dress aside purposefully, saying "Look at me, boys, I'm legal!'" And who knows, if this is how she celebrates the release of a children's movie, maybe once she's starring in more adult fare she'll pull out a boob Tara Reid style while signing autographs.

Remember the Time

2009-07-08T15:58:21Z

Good day to you. Today is July 8, 2009, and Michael Jackson is still dead, as you probably gathered from the huge creepy memorial that was broadcast yesterday. For some unknown reason, we ended up watching the entire thing, start to finish, and even live Tweeted it. If, 10 years ago, you had come to us and said, "In 2009 you will livetweet a televised funeral" we would have told you to get the fuck out of town. Right before we asked you what "livetweet" meant. For those 6 people on Earth who didn't see the Greatest Show on Earth, here's what you missed:

� Technical difficulties. Lots of them.
� Janet looking F-I-E-R-C-E in a 1940s get-up, like Bonnie at Clyde's funeral if Bonnie hadn't also died and then attended Clyde's funeral because he did die or something.
� Jermaine not singing "Dynamite" and Rebbie not singing "Centipede".
� John Mayer playing a guitar Musak instrumental "Human Nature" while making his patented "blowing a load" face.
� Everyone on stage expressing their condolences to Michael's mom and siblings, but never his dad.
� Maya Angelou poem. Duh, it was a somber gathering of luminaries. Of course there would be an Angelou poem.
� Magic Johnson talking about KFC.
� Al Sharpton implying that Michael Jackson caused Obama to be elected.
� Brooke Shields, being the only other cracker onstage other than Mayer.
� Usher (who was not an usher) in sunglasses singing to Michael's gilded casket which looked oddly like a chafing dish.
� And then, a dwarf Chaz Bono took the stage and sang!
� And then, at the very very end, when our faces hurt from chuckling at the overblown pretension of it all, when our bowels were churning uncomfortably, MJ's adorable daughter Paris took the mic and with one tearful sentence: "I Just wanted to say that ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you can ever imagine. And I just want to say I love him. So much" completely made us forget about the pompous spectacle and melted our tarry little black hearts and made us feel horrible for making all the ha-has. Paris touched us. Touched us like her dad touched . . . what? We were going to say "touched us like her dad touched the baby tiger on the Thriller cover." Jeeeeeez.

Megan Fox Is a Great Actress Car Washer

2009-07-07T16:52:00Z

Say you're a big-time director. Not exactly Spielberg or anything, but Hollywood money types often give you mountains and mountains of cash to blow crap up. And say you're working on a big movie involving toys that were so popular in the '80s you could get them in Happy Meals. The one thing you'll need above all else is a really hot chick so that the tweeners who weren't alive in the '80s will have something non-mechanical to pop a boner over. You could probably pull in a big-name star, but that would take away from your explosion budget, plus you like the thrill of discovery. You want a hot chick no one has ever seen before. (OK, maybe a few people who watch lesser Lindsay Lohan vehicles have seen her, but no one important.) So you've got this one chick in mind, and you call a meeting with her at your home. She really, really wants the part. Will do anything to get it. Anything. So what do you ask her to do? Wash your Ferrari? Huh? As Page Six tells it, that's just what Michael Bay did when he was casting token hot chick Megan Fox for her role in Transformers:

THERE'S a video of Megan Fox we want to see. When the sizzling star of "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" went to director Michael Bay's house to audition for the part, "He made her wash his Ferrari while he filmed her," reports Jason Solomons in Britain's Guardian. "She said she didn't know what had happened to that footage. When I put it to Bay himself, he looked suitably abashed -- 'Er, I don't know where it is either.' " Come on. Cough it up!

It's called the private screening room in your ridiculously huge mansion, Mike.

Anna Paquin Likes to Take Her Work Home with Her

2009-07-07T16:45:11Z

Stars often complain that filming sex scenes is far from stimulating. We can imagine that sweating under hot kleig lights with a modesty patch sticking to your crotch hair while a dude with a megaphone tells you exactly where to grab might be kind of a bummer, but according to Anna Paquin, there's one way to make such scenes easier. Simply bang your costar after you clock out. She's currently doing it with True Blood costar Stephen Moyer, and she tells AOL (via Digital Spy):

"The way that people ask me about it all the time, I feel like maybe I should feel uptight about it. But I really don't. Obviously, if you're already with that person then you're not having to sort of get over the 'Wow, I'm naked with someone that I don't even know the middle name of!'

"I think that regardless of what kind of scene you're doing, the better you know the person, the more open and real your performance can be. And that goes for stunt scenes and heavy emotional scenes and sex scenes. Okay, so I have a little bit of a leg up in that particular area with my on-screen [partner]."

That's even more method than Mickey Rourke allegedly taking steroids for his Wrestler role. Let's just hope Anna doesn't land horror roles anytime soon, lest she sneak into her costar's basement under a full moon to feast upon his entrails.

Michael Jackson Memorial Hoe-Down

2009-07-07T16:20:46Z

Good day. It is July 7, 2009, and Michael Jackson is still dead. In fact, cuz is going to be memorialized today. And you can watch it live on TMZ! Because a century ago, when the greatest minds of the time were inventing things to propel us into the space age, this is what they had in mind. Technology advancing to a point where people could watch a bloated sing-and-dance-a-thon honoring a reanimated bleached eunuch from the comfort of our own homes and workplaces! Thanks, forefathers! We're doin' ya proud.

We're going to honor Michael in our own way. By posting this picture of his children's surrogate mother Debbie Rowe inseminating her horse while wearing a T-shirt depicting a soulful wolf in front of a full moon.