Celibacy Diaries

Just say No

2020-03-15T09:43:00.000-05:00

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I thought of this post around the time, I wrote Respect my Choices but wanted to space them out a bit.

I been single, for most of my life. I started dating online in 1998, where I met my ex-hubs and started my first relationship. I knew the relationship had red flags but also didn't want to be bothered with dating anyone else. I never been big on dating. The rules are complicated and I do not understand.

I started helping, a friend, with a Facebook fan page for his advice column. It started on his personal page and I was noticing he had good engagement on his page. Just based on the questions he gets (and the comments) made me think of this post too.

You go to dating sites. You read the about me section to determine if you are a match. You look at photos for attractiveness and search for clues to determine compatibility. If you determine you and he/she/they/them are not a match, you swipe left and move on--well you are supposed to.

On dating sites, even social media, I am noticing an increase of people hitting me up, when we are NOT a match. One of the best things, I have learned from a man, is to move on when there is not a match, even before they get your phone number. I am guilty of continuing conversations with a incompatible match.

A dude, hit me up last year on Facebook (I determined he was a catfish though). He lived in North Carolina. He thought I was beautiful. blah blah blah. I told him we was not a match because he lived in North Carolina and he wanted kids (happily fixed). I am not interested in long-distance relationships , but he still continued to send messages. After a few conversations, I learned he had a dog. Once again, we are not a match. I am not a pet person. My kids are scared of dogs.

He also didn't like me cleaning every day. I got un-potty-trained, special-needs children. I have to clean the bathroom, take out the trash, and pick up their messes around the home, on a regular basis . I ended up blocking him.

I also blocked someone, this year because he wanted friends. He approached me, while I was waiting outside, in front of my complex, waiting for my oldest to get home from school, with an eight-year old, on my head.

I asked if he wanted platonic friends or non-platonic friends. He wanted non-platonic friends and the conversation continued. Still, keep your guard up. I still have the HSV card if he mentions sex.

By that night, he wanted to come over. Nope. As a single woman with kids, I don't need people coming over at night for any reason. My niece will drop by with laundry, I asked her to do for me, at night, but other than that, nope lol.

Here come over, in my messy, one-bedroom home, with two, wide-awake, children with Autism, who I have to put clothes on, while I entertain some man, I met hours earlier, in the living room, on a couch, my child may or may not have peed or defecated on. Yeah no. I told him I was going to bed, which I eventually I did.

By the next day, he sent multiple messages asking why I went to bed versus inviting him over. He had to pass by my complex, on the way home from work.]He wanted xxx pics and wanted to feel me up, the next day. No way in hell, I am going to maintain a celibate lifestyle, while letting men feel me up, without it leading to sex. He tried to condemn me for having boundaries, I know it won't lead to a healthy, Godly relationship.

Life would be so much easier if we stopped conversations at the point of incompatibility, while the other side understands and does not continue in their persistence of a relationship, which will never work.

Just say no if he/she/they/them wants kids and you don't (and vice versa).
Just say no if he/she/they/them wants sex and you don't
Set a few boundaries if you are a virgin, celibate, or abstinent. Do not entertain sexual conversations. Do not comment on sexual conversations on social media posts. Do not send xxx pics. Do not give them your number if you are tempted.

If they are persistent, block and delete.

Just say no if he/she/they/them lives in far far away land and you are not interested in a long-distance relationship.
Just say no if they keep coming in and out of your life for whatever reason, except a loving, consistent, relationship.
Just say no Just say no if he/she/they/them will have an issue with your religion or culture.

In fact, discuss those important topics, upfront, in the dating stage. Don't wait until you are almost married to discuss these issues. (Big fan of #90dayfiance and #brideandprejudice).

Just say no if he/she/they/them if you have special-needs children and they do not want to deal with them.
Just say no if he/she/they/them do not know what they are looking for. Nothing worse than trying to pry out what they want from a conversation. You looking for friends? Ok, is that platonic or non-platonic?
Just say Just say no if he/she/they/them if you are not willing to compromise on your values and ideals for them.
Just say no if he/she/they/them are incompatible. If they continue to be persistent in convincing you, yall should be together, #blockanddelete

We don't have to settle for anything and everything, especially when we know upfront, it won't work. Even if you find out something troubling, while in the middle of the relationship, you need to sit down, talk, and reevaluate before spending years with someone.

I think life would be so much easier if people discussed what they wanted and needed upfront. If you realize they are not a match, move on. Life would also be easier if people understood they are not a match and took rejection well. I know that is not always the case.

Block and delete if they continue being persistent in the pursuit of incompatibility.

Check out the idea list for books, I recommend for maintaining a celibate lifestyle.

Respect My Choices

2020-02-11T22:49:00.004-06:00

Disclaimer: This post contains Amazon Affiliate Links.

I know when you do things, different from the norm, you have people questioning why. You get the side eyes and snide comments. People do not understand why you are not normal (nor do I want to be normal) and not conforming to societal ideals.

Case in point: choosing to go without sex, whether temporary or a lifetime. I thought telling people, I had Herpes was hard during the first few years of diagnosis, but telling people, I am not having sex is harder. I am open about my celibacy. It is on dating profiles to eliminate people, looking for sex, but some men still slip through the cracks. My disclaimer is I have herpes, I am celibate, and I am fixed.

I had a man, who told me, I am not humble enough, because I won't have sex with him. Even know it was clear on my profile, I guess he wanted a challenge. Even if he did succeed, Stacie has a history of one-night stands. It won't last. He will be another regret and another notch on the body count belt. Someone suggested I should go to Lesbian route. I could possibly, maybe, (probably not) be re-married by now if I just gave in to someone, who lives in another state, but wants nothing to do with my kids. I could be in all these lovely ~~relationships~~ (having sex, with someone, does not equal a long-term relationship. repeat over and over again).

Some try to slip through, using small steps. I met this one person, in front of my complex, while waiting for a kid to get home from school. I asked him what he wanted. He wanted friends. Platonic or non-platonic, I asked. He was good with both, but I said I was celibate, just in case, he got ideas.

He wanted to guess my Bra size. I told him no. He was persistent. I said sure why not, despite personal feelings, to shut him up, which is another post. Sometimes We need to stop unwanted convos, asap, versus letting them persist). He wanted to know what part of the body, men commented on the most. He wanted "sexy pics". He wanted to kiss and feel on things. I told him no. No to the pics. No to the kissing. No to the touching. All those go against the boundaries, I have set. If a man is not willing to respect my boundaries, then I do not need to be with him, in any way, shape or form.

Some of my boundaries include:

I do not watch pornography.
I stopped reading erotica.
No one is coming over my house, especially at night.
I do not send nor accept x-rated pics.
No inappropriate touching. Touching can lead to sex, which increases body count and regrets.
No engaging in sex talk. It is one thing to discuss why I am celibate. It is another to discuss likes and dislikes; fantasies.

One good book, which discusses boundaries, is Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud. You can read this one or other books, on my Celibacy Book Idea List on Amazon.

You have to set boundaries to have continued success, while maintaining a celibate life. There are so many temptations and triggers, which can send us back down a promiscuous path. The convo should have stopped after I mentioned I was celibate, if he was looking for a sexual relationship. Plenty of women to engage with. I know for me, I do not want to slip again. I want the right relationship, for me, if that is what God wants. Some people are meant to be single for life. The Apostle/Disciple Paul did discuss the advantage of being single. We can focus more on God. My pastor, said in a sermon, we can use our spiritual gifts, in our single season. We can use our singleness to help further the kingdom of God.

The dude, as well as other dudes, in the past 10 years (Wow, I have gone without sex for the majority of 10 years), have to respect my choices, just as well I have to respect theirs. If they are looking for what I can't offer, I need to move on, and vice versa. Being persistent in getting someone to loosen boundaries, only makes them happy, even if you are not. I have blocked and deleted, a few people, because of how they responded to a choice/boundary, I made.

What are some of your boundaries in maintaining a celibate lifestyle?

Stacie D. Wyatt

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Incompatible.

2019-12-14T08:27:00.003-06:00

A few days ago, I received a call, from a blocked number, late at night.

I don't date. I didn't think it was anything suspicious. Telemarketers are not supposed to call me, after a certain time.

Maybe it was my mother, sisters, or niece, in an emergency situation. My phone been acting up since Thanksgiving. It is charging slow. It is loading up apps slow. It is asking me if I want to accept phone calls. It's been stupid so maybe the blocked number was a fluke.

It turned out to be a man--a man, named Will. I have no idea who Will is. I don't know how Will got my number. I checked a few dating apps to see if I had a message from Will (nope). I don't think I met Will in person, but Will knew my name. I don't even remember the last man, who got my number, either Google Voice or my real number.

Will wanted sex. He been thinking about me for three, whole weeks. He wants sex. He wanted to know if my kids was sleep (who told him, he was coming over?). I should have hung up. I didn't hang up.

I asked him, how I met him. I asked him why was he calling a celibate woman, versus someone sexually active. Apparently, he wants me and I will suck him off because he asked. I hung up.

Then, I went to Google to learn how to restrict blocked numbers from calling my phone. Before, I was able to figure it out, the blocked number did call back. I hit decline. My phone now has blocked numbers restricted from calling.

Back to my original question: What will make someone, who is sexually active or wants to be sexually active, call someone, who is celibate (maybe a virgin)?

I also had a question about why would someone call a new wannabe potential sex partner, after 10 pm, versus someone, they are already having sex with. Even when I was sexually active, I stopped going out at night with newbies. Anything can happen. Last thing, I want to do, is to be stranded, waiting for an uber/lyft or a bus, late at night, because someone didn't want me spending the night (It has happened. 4 am at a bus station, waiting for the bus station to open up at 5/6 am. Never again. )

I regress.

What makes someone hit up, someone, who is incompatible? In the past 10 years, I have been hit up by people, who are incompatible. In my early days of online dating, I also would hit up people, I knew I was incompatible with, in hopes, THEY WOULD CHANGE THEIR MINDS.

These were not minor things. The best lesson, given to me, by a man, is to walk away from incompatibility. I was sitting on the rock wall, outside downtown Atlanta's library, probably writing down something, before I headed home, when a man approached me. I don't remember what he was looking for, but we wasn't a match. He walked back to his friends and continued talking.

I asked him, why didn't he get the number anyway. His response, (not verbatim) was that we wasn't a match. He didn't need my number if we didn't have a future. That advice stuck.

I have men hitting me up for sex, but don't see a future with me. I had a man, who wanted me to move to his state (no), he will take care of me, and I will continue to do what I do with my kids. He also had a kid. I guess he wanted me to do nothing with her, either. I haven't talked to him since.

I had another man, hit me up for sex. He wants a relationship, but "my kids, my responsibility". I deleted him after he thought I was making up having herpes to scare off men. Should have deleted him sooner. I was not interested from the jump. Never initiated a convo.

Another man offered sex, but didn't see a future because of my kids. I been single, most of my life. I had 2 boyfriends, one of which became my husband for 5 years. We divorced 9 years later. I am at the point, where I think I will be ok being single, if I have to have sex with everyone, who is interested (already have a high body count. Don't need more regrets and heartache) and I also don't want anyone, who wants nothing to do with my kids. I am already parenting alone. No need to be in a relationship, still feeling and parenting alone.

Stop trying to change incompatible people's minds on things, which won't work in the long run. If you want kids, don't date someone, who doesn't want kids. If you want sex, leave the virgins and celibates alone. Don't be a major regret.

Stacie D. Wyatt

Dec 14, 2019

Catch 22

2019-09-21T15:07:00.002-05:00

I was talking to a friend of mine, on Twitter, the other day about various things. The convo brought up a little catch 22, I currently reside in.

When I was a virgin, no one was interested in me. No one approached me, except a classmate at school, asking if my sister performed a particular sex act, using his hands. As an adult, I realized he was probably signing for head or being jacked off.

I also had a cousin (not biological) ask me if I wanted to have sex with him, in my grandma's house, in her room. My uncle's girlfriend', nephew. I still consider her kids, my cousins, but not that nephew.

My grandma put me a bed in her room, after I was diagnosed with epilepsy . She thought the seizures was related to sleeping with a room full of people (my mama and sisters) yet I was in the room with her and my uncle. She slept in her own bed and he slept on the couch (he thought that would help him avoid police lol).

I thought having sex would have more men, interested in me. I did end up getting married, but once I cheated, I learned many valuable lessons. Nope, it did not. People did not want to date the sex object. It also did not help I was separated from my husband, for a long time. No one was interested in dating someone, who was separated, yet my ex dated, had girlfriends, and was engaged multiple times, before we got divorced.

Most men did not care about me having herpes. Rejection occured, but more often than not, I recieved acceptance. I had sex on a regular basis, but if I was sick, hurt, needed money, or a place to stay, a sex buddy, is not going to be the first one to help. No one is coming to visit you in the hospital. You are essentially alone.

As a celibate woman, no one is still really interested. I get men, who still want to have sex. I also get men, who do not want a relationship with my kids. I been told, I could easily be in a relationship, if I have sex, but being a virgin or being promiscuous did not guarantee success, neither will celibacy.

I had a man, tell me, to move to his state. He will take care of me. I can continue being a stay at home mom, but he wants no relationship with my kids.

I had a man, tell me, my kids, my responsibility. He wanted sex, though my dating profiles say I am celibate. He thought I should humble myself and have sex with him, even though I had no desire too. I also learned he thought I used HSV to scare off men, and I do not really have it. Yeah, these outbreaks, I sometimes have, say otherwise. Finally, he wanted visual proof, that I had HSV, like I am going to wait until I had an outbreak, spread my legs, and expose my vagina to him. I will not degrade myself like that.

My favorite and most honest, was someone, who said, our lifestyles do not click. He can not handle the responsibility of my kids, but if I needed a fix, call him. I probably won't call on him for penis,but I appreciate him, saying upfront he can't handle my chaotic lifestyle.

So to conclude, whether you have sex or not, it does not guarantee any relationship. Maybe God is setting us celibate and abstinent adults aside for something greater. Maybe a successful marriage is in my future, with someone, who was willing to wait until marriage to have sex. I do not want to add more meaningless sex, to the body count. This is my catch-22

The Boy and His Uncharged Phone

2019-08-07T22:42:00.001-05:00

The Boy and His Uncharged Phone

My oldest son has a phone. I got him, another one, because I wanted him off mine. My kids broke 4 phones, since August. As a special needs parent and blogger, I need my phone. It also takes money to keep buying phones, which I do not have much of. I shouldn’t have to take money away from other bills; borrow from savings; or use limited credit to buy another phone within a month of the last one.

Brad likes his phone. He watches videos and listens to music. He calls his dad and other relatives.

The phone keeps him calm, when it is charged. His problem is, he doesn’t want to keep it charged and he goes postal when it is dead. He hits walls. He kicks doors. He knocks the popcorn off the ceiling. I get hit, kicked, pushed, spit on. The Autism rears its ugly head.

He knows how to charge his phone. He found a wall outlet and a cord, set up his own charging station by the tv. His issue is, he doesn’t keep it plugged in long enough and the phone dies within seconds.

He goes around the house, from the living room tv outlet to the kitchen outlet to my two charging stations in the bedroom to the living room outlet, in the back corner.

He changes out cords, thinking it will help. He changes out wall boxes. He also throws the cords and wall boxes in the back corner, when the phone doesn’t charge fast enough.

The boy knows how to charge his phone. He has the tools to charge his phone. He is just not willing to wait. He could be experiencing longer hours of Barney and Sesame Street, if he just learns to wait.

How many times, have we missed out on opportunities because we was not willing to wait? We have the know how and we have the tools, but our impatience gets the best of us. We lose out. We may give up on celibacy. We may quit our job too soon. We may miss out on a good relationship because we settled for something bad.

We need to learn to wait. We need to not go postal when waiting gets too hard.

That’s all I got. Stay celibate, abstinent, virginal 😊

Stacie

Stop it.

2018-03-02T12:50:00.000-06:00

The other day, I was waiting at the bus stop to head to a clinic to pick up Kalen's seizure medications. He had two seizures last week (Sunday before President's Day). He takes Diastat for emergencies and it needed a refill.

Since it takes a while to get to and from the clinic (1 hr each way), I left the house early to be back in time to get the kids off the bus.

I walk across the street to head northbound to the clinic. I am wearing regular clothes, nothing revealing or exposed (not that this is an excuse). I'm a big girl. I can't hide my assets, even if I tried. They will be visibly seen through clothing.

So, Im sitting at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive, when a man (maybe in his 40s) on a bike (regular bike, not a motorcycle), stops at the bus stop. Great, I thought. I hope he is just waiting to catch the bus. Nope, the first thing out his mouth was a comment on my boobs. He also asked for head (oral sex). He didnt want regular sex, but just a little head, if I followed him down some street. Told him no. He even said, we are going in the same direction. How? I am going northbound and you were going southbound. I was happy when the bus arrived seconds later.

Fast forward a few days later, once again, I need to go northbound, probably to the clinic again. I barely go anywhere. I usually take the bus to and from the clinic to pick up meds. Sometimes I make a trip to Aldi or Wal-mart. I did not want to run into a man on a bike so I bundled up. I wore my hoodie. Once again, the bus is coming and an old man (older than 60) rides by on a bike. Joy. This time, I was standing up, going through my phone. The first thing out of his mouth was I had a lot back there. Yay. He also said he couldn't help but comment. Yay. The bus arrived and I went to run my errands.

I was ready to walk up or down to the bus stop before/after this one to avoid men on bikes in the future. Luckily, my son went to the clinic for some allergy meds (he broke out from I think eating doped applesauce. I had Kalen's daily seizure meds mixed in. The meds are bitter and I was told to hide it in food). I figured Brad will be a good deterent. He is 5'9 and a quarter and 145 lbs. No one bothered me then.

I done had similar situations before, such as rude comments or even worse, grabbing body parts in mid (non sexual ) convo. This behavior is annoying, harassing, and rude. STOP IT. Even if you like what you see, keep it moving and keep your mouth shut.

Motivation to Self

2017-08-17T01:00:00.002-05:00

August 17, 2017

I am trying hard not to give in to this notion that I have to give up my new celibacy (I have not had sex since January) for a potential new relationship. It seems to me, many men are not willing to forgo sex for a relationship. I have to give up part of myself for something, which may not last long term. If it doesn't work out, then I have to start over and go through the process again, as I have done before.

I am lonely and yes, I want a relationship one day, but I have enough regrets and a high body count to keep me in check. I thought of this post, while listening to Angel by Casting Crowns (Come to the Well Album). I want love. I have done stupid things, in hopes someone will love me.

A while back, a facebook friend wrote "sex does not mean love.". Sex does not equate to love. I can have sex with you and not love you. So, this means, I can fall in love with someone, without having sex with them. I want to do something different. If having sex outside of marriage, does not have long-term success, then why continue to engage in the same behavior? Being promiscious didn't cure my loneliness. Being promiscious didn't make men want to date me.

These sexual partners was not there for me when I was sick or discouraged. They didn't help me achieve goals. They wasn't there when I had both miscarriages. They wasn't around when I needed someone the most. I didn't spot them at a graduation. They did not help me with my kids. Sexual partners are not always there. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but from my experiences, I was still lonely and alone.

I am still lonely and alone, but Im older, wiser, and not settling for the nonsense and bullshit. I am not giving out my number if someone is looking for a sexual relationship. I am not falling for the "I just want to be friends, instead of your boyfriend/husband" nonsense. I do not want to entertain sexual conversations, whether directly or indirectly. I have muted people on Facebook and deleted people because they can not curb the sex talk. His sexual needs are not of my concern. I do understand if a relationship turns serious, I will have to discuss sex before I do. I have to discuss likes and dislikes. He will have to discuss likes and dislikes. Yet, I know I still have to set boundaries. You can't tell too much because everyone can not handle it.

For example, I met someone on a dating site. We never met in person. Mr. X told me he was celibate. I learned from my thesis, everyone has different definitions of celibacy. He still engaged in oral sex, but not penis/vagina penetration. He got upset when I refused to engage in oral sex. He thought because I used to be sexually active, I would engage in one sexual act with him. Slippery Slope. As high as my body count is and how addictive my mind gets, I can not engage in one sexual act. Next thing, I will be engaging in multiple sexual acts with multiple people. There has to be boundaries when you are leading an abstinent or celibate lifestyle.

#MAFS2C Reflection

2017-05-25T23:32:00.001-05:00

May 25, 2017

Tonite, I was watching Married at First Sight: Second Chances on Lifetime. The topic of sex was brought up between Ike and Vanessa. Vanessa asked him how he felt about premaritial sex, even though he did not provide an answer, I did admire a tweet, he posted later.

#MAFS2C #mafssecondchances @MAFSLifetime @KineticContent @lifetimetv pic.twitter.com/ppHgm37Ahs
— Ike (@Ike2ndChances) May 26, 2017

Side Note: Vanessa was for premarital sex, which got me to thinking. When someone tells me upfront, they want sex, I don't think about a relationship with them. If we do end up having sex, Old Stacie deleted their number afterwards, unless he was good.

If someone says they want a a relationship, I expect, maybe hope, they put in the work to get to know me better. Then, we can talk on phone more (ugh) and go out to see if we are compatible. I love a good intellectual convo--way more than a sexual conversation (which I try not to entertain anymore).

I don't feel the need to get to know someone better, if they (or I) don't plan to stick around. All you need to know is my name, where we having sex, and std status (I have herpes since October 2004). Chemistry may be lacking but it's sex. If we don't click, we both can move forward with another sexual partner, even on the same day.

Now, if someone says they want a relationship and only talks sex, I do not want a relationship with them. Their head is in the wrong place and words are not in alignment. For me, I don't equate a successful relationship with having sex from the beginning. You got to know where you stand, as do I. I admire Vanessa for being bold and asking about premarital sex in the getting to know you stages. Some people want to wait, but I too, like to ask a few bold elimination questions upfront such as:

Are you looking to have sex?
Are you ok with me having herpes?
Do you have kids?
Do you want more kids?
How old are you? (not a fan of youngins)

Anyway, thank you for reading my random thoughts.

Stacie

Birthday reflection

2017-03-21T14:21:00.002-05:00

My 37th Birthday was on the 19th. In the past, I would enjoy sex on my birthday, sometimes multiple partners over the course of the day. On my birthday, this year, I went to church. I cleaned. I cooked. I was tortured by the kids, but I did not engage in sexual activities.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I was flipping through the channels and landed on Tony Evans discussing lust of the flesh and lust of the eyes. I don't know the title of the sermon and didn't take notes, but it came in handy that morning (If anyone knows the title of the sermon, let me know). He discussed how lust can draw you away from Jesus.

The Lusts of the Flesh

1 John 2:16-17 says "For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes,and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever"

A. Defined by Revelation.co

Revelation.co defined the lust of the flesh as the "temptation to feel physical pleasure from some sinful activity--to so something to make the flesh feel satisfied. It can involve any type of sexual activity that will bring pleasure to the body."

Lusts of the flesh can include sexual sins, drug use, and physical violence.

B. Defined by Dr. David Allen

On Dr. David Allen's site, he discusses how the lusts of the flesh can draw people away from God. The lusts of the flesh "fights against the will of God in your life".

C. What God Says:

According to the Galatians 5:19-21:

Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God

Knowing Jesus provides a list of other bible verses about lusts of the flesh.

I am glad I did not fall back into old habits after the lost. I am glad I did not fallback into old habits on my birthday.

I was talking to a man online earlier today. He has told me before he frequents hookers because "he is a man and has needs" but he also wants a relationship and a wife. The thing about it is that when I was promiscuous, if someone told me they wanted a relationship, I would leave them alone because I could not give them the desires of their heart. Now, I won't touch a man, who is sexually active because I can't give him the lusts of his penis.

Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.

Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should

2017-02-21T23:40:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, my youngest was trying to plug my back massager up. I know the child needs to learn how to be independent, but he also has a pacemaker and a heart monitor. I don't want him plugging the wrong thing, the wrong one, one day and hurts his heart. Just because Kalen can plug and unplug up electronics, does not mean he should do so.

Kalen is very observant. He may not show what he knows at first, but eventually you find out. Kalen started out trying to charge my phone (he has broken many chargers and charging ports). Now he wants to plug up everything, but he is 5 and everything is not for him.

So, the title came to mind: Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Just because I can be sexually active and promisciuous, does not mean I should. The dangers out there are bigger than unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, there are also spiritual and mental ramifications.

There is more to this than being rejected for not giving in to your or someone else's desires. There is more to this than sending or recieving unwanted (maybe wanted) explicit pics. There is more to this than someone wasting your time, telling you they want to be friends or even a relationship, just to have sex.

I got to admit my soul is completely torn since I had sex. I am struggling with how to feel mentally. I haven't heard from this man in weeks, except one text asking for sexual favors, which I deleted once I saw it. I stated my intentions up front. I want a relationship. I want marriage. I want help with the kids. I explained why I chose celibacy and yet fell down hard. Losing celibacy is right up there with my former miscarriages on a mental and spiritual level.

I just do not feel the same way about sex anymore. I want to be more than a sex object. I want to be more than a conquest. More than a girl (shoot channeling Lyfe).

Just because I can doesn't mean I should

Stacie Wyatt

VDay Hormones

2017-02-08T14:33:00.001-06:00

Something is in the air. I am not popular or the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not rich, but my phone has had in increase in calls in the past week.

A few men have called for "convo" as a way to ask for sex. Someone in the complex called to talk but wants to grab my butt. I am not a big fan of pda and touching without permission is a no no.

Even the dude, I messed up with, texted for head at 230 am. I did not respond and deleted the message, to keep from responding, when I woke up.

Another dude, who I met last year, started calling back. If you havent called since 2016 and we are not friends or business associates, we don't need to talk now.

He was another, who wants a serious relationship, but seems to only want a sexual relationship. If you only call to discuss sex, your motives are clear and intentional. Men (and women) don't have to hide behind a serious relationship if they only want sex. Be open and blunt about what you want, even if you get turned down.

I never been big on blocking numbers ( I just stop answering or texting back) but it is about time to start. Just because I messed up, does not mean I want to repeat all the mistakes of my past.

What am I Now

2017-02-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

January 30, 2017 What am I Now?

This post is hard to write, but I recently had sex and I am so confused. I have a parade of mixed feelings and confusion. I wanted to wait for a husband, but I got someone, who says they wanted a relationship. Someone, who interacted with the kids. Someone, who was good looking with muscles. He also was a Marine.

I lost my identity. What am I? Am I still celibate because I have started the celibacy process over? Am I sexually active or am I just going without? What am I? Who am I? I can't talk to Him about it. He is not a big caller or texter, which I knew before I met him. I have emotions, which showed up after and I can't talk to anyone about them. I feel lost and confused.

I feel guilt for giving up my celibacy. I feel like I betrayed God and myself. I downloaded a few new bible plans on sexuality, which have been seriously helping me, but I feel empty inside. I feel hurt. I feel scared because I have no desire to go back to a promiscious lifestyle.

Was I wrong in thinking a man is willing to wait on me until marriage? Is sex now a requirement for any hope of a relationship?

How to move past losing celibacy and starting over again?

That is the question. How to move past losing celibacy and starting a new path until marriage. Until I find a man, who is willing to wait and do things God's way. The last two weeks of church plus the bible plans have brought home some strong points.

Celibacy transforms us. I stopped having sex from 2010 to 2016 and have no desire to be promiscuous again.
Pastor Mike said the greatest obstacle is giving up after we fall instead of moving forward. I can still share my growth, development, and failures, even though I sinned against God and betrayed myself.
I still want a faithful, monogamous marriage.
Santification: seems to be the keyword for church and the bible plans. I have seen this word multiple times. Santification is tied to growth and development. Santification does not mean perfection. We will still sin. We will still fall short.
I need to strengthen my boundaries when company comes over (or when we meet somewhere else other than my house.) This may mean the Marine and I are not meant for each other in the long run and he may have to be removed from my life.

Aborted----not going to happen

2017-01-30T20:01:00.003-06:00

May 2013

Most people know, I started to lose my sex drive, after my last miscarriage, in 2009, but I did not stop having sex until 2010. I went from having sex a lot to a little to none at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to avoid having another miscarriage.

I had one previously in 2005. It was not fun. My body was in pain. My fibroids was acting up, in addition to back to back outbreaks. I also was not sure who the father was. I went to the doctor to get treatment for the pain. She told me I was pregnant (about two months along). I checked my calendar for potential fathers and lost it. (side note: ever since I started having sex, I wrote each time down in my calendar, even while married. I tracked cycles, outbreaks, and sex. ). The calendar fell on a date, (the only date, within the two week time frame), when I had multiple partners, some on the same day.

If I got pregnant a few weeks before or a few weeks after, it would have been better, but the father could have been anyone. . Anyway, my body continued to be in pain. During August, 2005, I was in more pain. I went to the bathroom, thinking I had gas or something, and the mucus plug fell out in the toilet. I lost the baby. I went to the hospital alone. I lost the baby alone. I never wanted to go through that again.

It happened again. Fast forward to 2009. I met this fine, chocolate, man, in Atlanta, in 2006. He was the embodiment of sexiness. He provided me with great sex once in 2006. We did not have much in common and that was it. He said we was not relationship material (did not know we was seeking one) and we probably will never have sex again. The sexual relationship was over--so I thought.

Yet, I was addicted, I wanted more. He was my second great sex partner I ever had. I thought about him all the time. Even named a sex toy after him. We started back having sex in 2008. A man, hit me up, wanting to have sex around New Years Eve. I had to work part of that night. I told him yes, even though I had reservations. We had sex before and it sucked. I was going to cancel on him before he left his house, but he called and told me some interesting news.

Now, I was a former sex addict, and I know a few tricks/techniques men have used on me. I can spot a few things, a mile in advance. This dude called and said we was going to a friend house (alarms went up. sounds like a three some or a train). Then, he gave the friend's name (hormones went up). A chance to sex a great one. A chance to prove he would fuck me again. I went. I had sex with both men. I deleted the other dude's number, but maintained a sexual relationship with the great one for a few months (April, 2009).

I got a headache one day. Went to the clinic. I needed pain pills. The doctor said I can't have pain pills because I was pregnant. Ok, when was conception? Checked the calendar and my addiction fell within that two week time frame. I did not want anything from him--no more than what he was doing.

Now after the first miscarriage, I wanted to avoid some stress to keep from having another miscarriage. I did not want an outbreak or the fibroids to act up. I did not want to sit with legs propped up, losing a baby, in a hospital alone. First thing, I wanted to do was notify any potential father (s) about the pregnancy (to get that out the way). Then, I needed medicaid for myself. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday, May 18, 2009. I told the potential father on Tuesday. He said we was not in a relationship. We didn't love each other. It was not his. I should get an abortion (I don't believe in those).

If the baby was not his, then why did he want me to abort someone else's baby?

It hurt me to my core, once he said abortion. I wanted nothing from him (except the penis. Took me awhile to get over him. Great penis is hard to find).Went back to the Clinic on Wednesday to pick up the emergency medicaid forms. I noticed I was spotting. They rushed me to the hospital. I was there for hours and hours. The potential daddy was still texting me. I got home and I prayed to the Lord, that if I could not handle another miscarriage alone, please take the baby from me. When I woke up Thursday morning, I was bleeding heavily. I lost the baby that day. alone again. legs propped up, losing baby, without any support. I lost a lot of respect for men that day. I had 600 names in my phone (family, friends, business contacts, potential sex partners, current sex partners, past sex partners). I started deleting numbers that day. I felt that most of these folks, would not sit in a hospital with me, during a miscarriage. I got down to 200 names before I left the hospital. Deleted potentials, past, and some currents.

A few days later, I went into post partum depression. I was upset I prayed for a "mental abortion". I was more worried/upset about losing great penis, than the baby (the mind of a sex addict). I could have raised the baby alone. No one really knew what I was going through.

When I was pregnant with Kalen, His father said the same thing. It was not his and I needed an abortion. If the baby was not his, then why did he want me to abort someone else's baby?I checked and verified with the doctor on conception dates. I wanted to be sure.

I found out I was pregnant in January, 2011. I checked the calendar. Since, I stopped having a lot of sex, the calendar was easier to look at. The doctor said I got pregnant in August. I had sex with one man at the beginning of August. I had sex with one man at the end of August. The doctor said I got pregnant towards the end. I did not have sex with anyone else until the middle or so until September. It was strange to me--that out of all the men, I had sex with---I still got pregnant by this one particular one. But, this time, it was easier. I wanted a healthy, stress-free pregnancy, even if I had to go through it alone (and I did it). Kalen is a happy baby.

It's the Little Things

2017-01-14T12:28:00.000-06:00

It's the Little Things by Stacie Wyatt: started writing this at 8 something this am.

I am having a hard time this with my celibacy journey. If I don't find a way to gain a little more control, I do not see this journey going another year, let alone six years. I need a husband--not just for sex--but to help channel some sexual desires into him--but I am not sure I am ready yet mentally. It was the little things, this week, which may cause me to stumble and fall hard, if I am not careful and ask God for serious help.

I never expected the journey to get rough this week. I think it started with meeting a platonic ~~friend,~~ ahem acquaintance, wannabe boyfriend, and wannabe sex partner. I figured out the wannabe sex partner part after we met up. For the blog, let's call him Trey, a shortened version of his name. Tried doing a mini search on him online by phone number, but no luck.

Brad has an appointment

Trey is a good looking, dark-chocolate complected, bald headed man. Trey has a job and is a former Marine. I told Trey we can meet up Tuesday, after my son's doctor appointment, but the meet up almost did not happen. Usually Brad's appointments are over quick and we are home within a decent time, to take Brad back to school, before 11 a.m. I arrived at the clinic a little before 8, when they was first opening up. My appointment was at 9, but Brad has a reputation (his last visit, he slammed a door because the doctor wanted blood work, and a nice hole was left in the wall.). We left the clinic around 9 and the problems started.

I gave Brad my phone to keep him calm during the appointment---big mistake. My phone was dead when we left. I pulled out one of my power banks and tried to get a charge, while going to get some food to also keep him calm. With what little charge I had, I called transportation and no one answered. I went to Wal-Greens for food. 30 minutes later, tried transportation again. No answer. Called the main transportation hotline, instead of the driver and my phone went dead. Next option was to pull out the laptop, charge the phone, and hope no one passed by trying to steal the Dell, no matter how slow it goes and how many times it crashes.

I finally got a hold of the driver and he said he was stuck in traffic and it will be over an hour before he shows up. He showed up just before Brad was about to bolt off into the parking lot.

We headed home and then hopped on public transportation to take Brad to school. I got Brad to school and headed to Kalen's school for another interesting part of my day .

Kalen Got Sick

After we left the clinic at 9, I noticed I had a few voice messages. I was able to check one of them before the phone went dead. Kalen had diarrhea at school and they wanted me to pick him up. Once I got a decent charge, I had to call the school to let them know, I was at a doctors appointment and I had no idea when I would be on my side of Northwest Houston. If I picked up Kalen from school, then I had to drop Brad off at school. I had considered leaving Brad at home, depending on what time we got back to Antoine Drive, but Kalen threw a wrench in this plan. After Brad and I got home, I took a quick potty break, grabbed the stroller, and headed to the bus stop.

After Brad got to school, I hopped back on the bus to Kalen's school. If he was still sick, I will take him home. It is about a 10 minute walk from the school to the house. If he was not still sick, I would go to the store and head home. Kalen was still sick. The teacher had to give him back up clothes to wear. I put the baby in the stroller and headed to the store for some detergent, fabric softener, and batteries for my mouse.

Then Trey Called

He called while I was walking to the store. The .99 cent store is across from Kalen's school. While I was walking through the parking lot, I got a call. He wanted to meet up and just talk. Told him, I do not know since I been dealing with doctors and now a sick kid all day, but I do crave some non-kid communication. I told him he can visit and I will be home in about 10 minutes hopefully. I had issues with the stroller wheels. My bag dropped and broke, while going over a section of cracked sidewalk.

I got close to the complex, was about to turn in, and then saw Brad's aide getting off the bus 1:30 too early. I had asked him to please come near the time Brad gets off the bus, but Jean claims he lives too far away (which is not good if something bad happens and I need an aide for the day) and he needs to arrive early otherwise, he will not be there when Brad's bus arrives. I believe in early arrivals, but I need my quiet time each day as an introvert and as a parent.

Damn, Damn, Damn. I got a child in a stroller. I got an aide, who shows up too early. I got a friend, who is on his way. I walk in the gates and start heading to the house, when Trey calls again and says he is at the gate. Do you see a woman, with a stroller, and an light-skinned aide? yep and gave him directions to my apartment by road, while I took the sidewalks. Drivers be crazy in these parts, even in the complex.

I met Trey near the apartments and invited him in--toddler, mama, aide, friend. I haven't been home most of the day. The house is not too clean. I put down my bags--hid my purse--trust no one--and tried to do a little cleaning--at least the bathroom. I also had to start figuring out what to cook for dinner before Brad got home.

The introvert in me wanted a little conversation, but the aide took care of this issue. The aide and the friend had their own conversation about religion and politics for almost two hours, but the introvert in me, also had some time to do more cleaning. I started washing dishes, wiping down counters, sweeping bedroom, and sweeping living room.

When we went to go get Brad off the bus, Trey wanted to know why the aide talks so much lol. Of course, he tried to grab my butt and boobs before he left--now we have a problem. I knew I had discussed having herpes. I had told him I am celibate, but he still wanted a feel. The Marine told me he was looking for a relationship--even if it was not with me. Even if I was sexually active, I normally did not slept with men, who was adamant about relationships, marriage, and kids. Now, I want a marriage. Someone to help me with my kids. A godly relationship. I thought Trey was looking for something similar, but I may be wrong.

I have met a few men in six years and most of them, except one, has tried to challenge this journey. A few tried to grab a body part. One tried to tell me about people don't get into relationships without test driving the goods first. The men's behavior has caused me to doubt at times this journey and if I need to have sex to get a boyfriend or a husband. Same messed up thinking, which lead me to lose my virginity before I was ready. I thought I needed to have sex to get a date, to get someone more interested in me.

Do I need to compromise these new principles to be wanted, to be needed, to get an I do? I know the answer is no, but at times, a yes seems to be the answer. It gets lonely and depressing at times.

The Next Day or the day after

Tall, dark, and handsome called. I said I was having a rough day. Brad had half days for Wednesday and Thursday. The kids also missed school Thursday because I overslept because Brad would not go to sleep. I told him I was having issues with the kids and he texted he was struggling sexually and wanted to be service---by me. We got a bigger problem. He also asked for xxx pics Friday. I actually tried to find my old photos, hidden in my email--not for him--he never got any--but the pics caused a few more regrets. In some of the pics, I didn't remember names. At that time, I didn't care if I knew your name, age, kids, other things, and now I wanted to get to know someone and know those little things about someone.

Return of the Ex

An ex sex partner tried to video chat with me twice last night. I missed both calls because I was uploading videos for my other blog on Instagram. I sent him a text to see what he wanted and he wanted to video chat. No harm right---I haven't seen him since 2009 or 2010. He is another good looking, chocolate man with a mohawk. JB is an amazing singer and has a great career ahead of him. Of course, he wanted to discuss all the ~~good~~ decent sex, we used to have, none of which I remember.

I remember we could have had sex, when we first met, but I had to disclose herpes before we went too far. He was not too comfortable with the HSV, I thinks. I still saw him around Atlanta, singing in various places. I don't remember when we met up next, but we did eventually have sex. JB had me mixed up with someone else because he started telling me about things, I know he never did with me. I hardly remember but I know some basic Stacie needs, was not met to consider him good or great.

We talked for hours about various topics including sex--we have a big problem. I realized I am not ready to have sex anytime soon. JB wants to visit Texas soon and visit me for a few days. From Trey's behavior to JBs to my behavior, I know I would not be faithful to a non-committed relationship. If I slept with Trey, nothing will stop me from sleeping with JB unless a godly force intervenes, but then what happens? JB goes back to Georgia and do I continue to have sex with Trey, until I have sex with someone else and someone else, and the old Stacie is back.

Why the struggle?

I am not completely sure why i'm struggling this week. Maybe it’s meeting someone for the first time in a long time and my thoughts went haywire. Tall, chocolate, bald, military man. I was very impressed when he told the aide he was a former Marine and has traveled intensively around the world. I was impressed when he got Kalen to stop doing something. I was impressed when he suffered with talking to the aide, so I could clean in peace. I was happy for some company, I guess

With the ex, maybe it was familiarity. I know him. We had sex before. The convo was going well. He flattered with compliments.

I also just realized both of them said similar things. Both of them wanted relationships. Both of them wanted to help with the kids. They said the right things at the wrong times. Where was the relationship talk when I first met the ex sex buddy in downtown Atlanta? Is sex a requirement, once again, to meet someone? To get to know someone? To marry someone?

I need prayer this week. I need godly, Christian prayer, because my flesh is weak. My willpower is faltering. I am struggling mentally.

The Day One Gene

2016-12-19T23:01:00.001-06:00

I discussed previously, how I lied to the first person I met online, the first sexual partner, the first kiss, based on advice, I got from someone, who did not have any good intentions behind the advice. Advice, I still regret 18 years later. The funny part was the person, who gave the bad advice, has a mimimal presence in my life, while my first, has a major presence. I was counting facebook messages, me and him, have had over the years. Over 16k from a person, I never thought would be in my life again. ( I am looking for the first message on Facebook, but the scroll button gets tired :-))

I searched for him countless times since Google was invented, but even someone with an uncommon name, can not be found so easily. God was in the works because it took a Facebook friend to send money through paypal for a book to figure out one of my good friends, was the day one.

I started thinking about how many times, have I treated someone unkind, who still had a major presence in my life. Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe you said the wrong words. Maybe you secretly despised them, never knowing one day, they will be a close friend or help you collaborate on a major project.

What if Day 1 never spoke to me again? What if God didn't lead him back into my life? What if God has something collossal planned--not necessarily a relationship or marriage, but something big, which requires both of you to work together to achieve something great.

I still, at times, stare at the old email, which lead me to complete shock and awe. This was two years ago and it is amazing how life works. The person, who you never expect to see or hear from again, makes a surprising entrance in your life. It's the power of a moment. (I heard this song while writing this post. Seems to fit perfectly)

Do You Wanna Be?

2016-11-10T22:04:00.003-06:00

I wrote this poem a few days ago as an ode to men, who can't understand why I chose celibacy and why I am not interested in going back to a promiscious lifestyle. For the men, who sneak try to sneak sex into conversations, even after you asked them not too. For example, someone called me a few days after Halloween. He asked what I did for the day and I said I had bought some half off Halloween candy. His response: "When can I have some of your candy?" Not cute at all. Not relationship material at all.

I tried to explain how I used to be and I still had those old Stacie thoughts, which popped up every now and then, which would not be good for him. I had more one night stands than repeat sexual partners. I didn't try to develop an emotional connection with most of the men. I deleted numbers quick. I have an addictive mind and if I start back, there is no guarantee, I would have sex with one person, especially if I am not committed to him. If I am going to have sex with you, what is going to stop me from returning to fI prefer to wait until someone says I do before having sex again. I still have sexual urges but doesn't mean I am going to have sex with someone, simply because they text or call. And yet, he still asked for sex and if he can engage in some sexual touching, even if he doesn't get intercourse. No was the answer and he hasn't called since.

Do you wanna be?

Do you wanna be another number?
Another notch on the proverbial belt slash bed.
Do you want to be another regret?
Another waste of time.
Another number deleted, sometimes before the act is completed. Yeah I did that.
And I didn't regret that.
Do you want to be remembered because there is a chance you will be forgotten within a year or two, that is if I bothered to learn your name.
Names not important when sex is temporary and so is your presence.
My essence is becoming more cold and heartless.
Emotionless when it comes to sex, unless you are the best, but the best been locked in years ago and you can't compete, but you will be compared to the best there ever was and no, you can never be because I am not into you like that.

This is your warning.
I started out sex thinking this is now to get noticed, how to get attention, but no one mentioned that down the road, your heart can grow cold and twisted.
No one said that all sexual acts will never be more than a sexual thing.
Forget emotions and a relationship thing because the vagina is a mean woman, after many experiences.
You will never get my heart with your penis.
So, I know of a few tricks you may use to get me to choose you over celibacy.
I am on to you when you try to sneak sexual innuendos into every conversation because nothing is new under the sun.
Those tired cliches, over and done.

Even if you succeed to break down my walls and enter the sanctuary, which has been closed to intruders.
You run the risk of the former nympho coming out.
I may have sex, but it won't be with only you.
if I am going to start, why end it with you when I am not committed to the act of my vagina and your penis.
You still may get deleted because old Stacie had more one night stands than repeats. You may be cock blocked before this poem is finished.
Are you sure you are in this to win this--because from time to time, those old thoughts still creep in and I have to keep praying to stop those demons from entering. If you are not willing to wait, don't waste my time because me having sex right now will fuck me up big time.
I don't need more numbers, i don't need more regrets.
The celibacy journey is not an easy route.
Just because you want to stick a fork in my road, doesn't mean I am detouring off.

The Sink Hole

2015-12-30T12:19:00.003-06:00

November 28th, 2015.
I wrote this a while back. It made sense then, but I am not so sure now.

The Sink Hole

I had a dream this morning, where I had this vanity in the closet with a glass mirror. All of a sudden the walls and floors started to cave in. I got out the way but I was left with a huge sink hole on one side of the closet. I can see down to the bottom.

I could see my vanity dresser with my things below, but I didn't have the manpower or tools to lift my dresser back up, so the floor and walls could be repaired.

I thought about my life, after having this dream. How something so simple can cave in and we don't know how to fix the problem. As I have previously stated, I started off dating with the wrong intentions. I thought having sex would attract more men. I never got this dating thing down. I was shy, reserved, fatter, and no one ever approached me in high school. I didn't date by choice but no one even asked if they could. I always been the lonely, shy type. I didn't really like people, but I did want a few people to like me back.

When I started having sex, I didn't feel those immediate and floors caving in. I did feel some guilt and remorse, but some of the guilt faded over time. I didn't like sex at first though. I wasn't sure what to feel and I wasn't comfortable asking. I knew I didn't like it. It wasn't until I was married and started talking to coworkers, that I learned more about sex. My first taste of wanting good sex was after reading Zane's Addicted. I was impressed. I didn't know sex could feel like that. I hated sex with the ex husband. I cried a lot after sex because it was so bad. routine, monotonous. more about his pleasure than mine. Never had an orgasm with him.

Even when I first cheated, I waited maybe a week or two before doing it again. I had guilt but I felt since he was going to still disappear on the weekends and come in when he wanted, so can I. I didn't have to go out at night to raise suspicions. I can have sex before I went to school or after I left school and before work. The walls were starting to cave in. The sex numbers started to climb from the 20's to the many (I am still not comfortable with people knowing my sex count. Something I do feel a lot of guilt about).

Every year the amount of people, I had sex with increased. I also had increases in visits to the std clinic. Increases in outbreaks. I was diagnosed with a few curable stds during this time. I hated going to the clinic but at times, I needed treatment. I hated when they asked to give some of my pills to my partners because the partners were many, which meant more pills for me. I hated using condoms all the time.

My walls officially caved in after my last miscarriage. The pain of being in the hospital alone again. of going through something so major again. My heart hurt more than the first miscarriage. Hurt more than all the abuse, I went through with the marriage. I been celibate 5 years now. My outbreaks have decreased. I haven't had a temporary std in a long long long time. I still haven't dated anyone by choice and no one is approaching me either.

My theory failed. Having sex increases your popularity, but you can still be lonely and depressed. when you are hurting, the sex partners are not there. they are not a shoulder to cry on. Not having sex doesn't increase your popularity, especially on the dating sites. I am still lonely, depressed at times. I would like to date more, but sometimes I feel have to give up my celibacy to make anyone interested. and then regret will kick in.

Many people want to test drive before making a final purchase, but how many test drives is enough? Will anyone step out on faith and make a purchase before sampling the goods? What if the test drive is not up to his standards and they walk out on you.

Giving up a part of you sexually and mentally because that hurt will hurt greatly. Another caved in wall. Another sink hole with me trying to pull up the pieces of my self to put back together. I don't know how long I will be celibate. I don't know if I will ever get married or stay single forever. I just don't want to look down on another sink hole from engaging in promiscuous , ungodly, behavior.

Everything is Temporary

2015-12-19T14:24:00.003-06:00

December 19.2015

I was soaking in the tub the other day, just thinking and reflecting, when I saw something I didn't like on the wall. The wall was peeling and a big water blister was staring right at me. I spent months (and still working on it) changing the look of the bathroom. A new paint job on the walls, a new shower head (every few months because someone keeps breaking them), a new shower arm, a child/adult toilet seat, new shower curtains, a toilet paper holder, and a soap holder. A bathroom is supposed to a be a place to relax and to get away from the kids stalking you everywhere you go.

I got out the tub to inspect the wall and had to peel some of the paint back to let the water flow out. Then, I saw sheetrock. I had another leak somewhere in the walls. I already had a leak at the bottom of the baseboard near the tub. I have tried using foam in the hole. I tried a waterproof sealant. I tried to nail another board on top of the base board and then plaster everything. I don't like the leak because my room is on the other side and water flows through the walls, into my room, and on m carpet. Water also means mold and mildew.

Of course, I get back in the tub, close the curtain (so I don't have to look at the wall), finish the back and head back into my room.

The next day, I move the portable closet back so I can clean behind it and put up Brad's diapers and mattress pads and I discovered my wall was peeling. The side, which touches the back of the shower walls. I had another water blister and I was not happy about that. I painted my walls brown a while ago. While I was inspecting the walls for damage, I noticed the corner was too weak and wearing away. If the part of the wall breaks, I don't know what damage it can cause since it is touching the bedroom. I also noticed part of my floor was sinking in.

All the work I put in and some of it is coming apart. Everything is temporary. This life is temporary. Your child hood is temporary. Your adult life is temporary. One day, you are starting elementary school and the next, you are watching your own children start middle school. Even my period of high sexual activity was temporary. I have been celibate for over 5 years now. Everything fades away. Everything passes. The only thing, which is eternal is the kingdom of Heaven.

The walls leak, The floors sink. The paint blisters. The carpet has to be replaced, but God is forever and everything else is temporary.

Stacie D. Wyatt

Undateable Part 2

2015-04-25T15:13:00.001-05:00

Undateable Part 1:

I realized in church on Sunday, I set out dating with the wrong intentions. As I said in Part 1: I thought if I was having sex, I would be datable. That was wrong. I was fuckable, not dateable. Not too many men want to date, who they are fucking.

Setting out to date because I wanted to have sex was the wrong intention. From the beginning, my mind set was completely wrong. My intentions were not aligned with God. Sex does not equal love. Love does not equal sex. Dating does not mean you are sexing. Having sex does not mean you are dating.

I had a few men, tell me, that they thought we was dating, when we just had sex a few times. I didn't know anymore about them, other than their sexual preferences, but allegedly we was dating.

I always had trouble dating. I like men, but my personality doesn't allow me to consider dating as an option from the jump. For me, now I have to get to know you, then maybe we can meet. Dating is only an option after I get to know you. Versus in the past, we meet, we sex, we delete each other.

Setting out dating with the wrong intentions is probably why my mind is so messed up. I definitely look at things in a different light because of past sexual experiences. Like, I used to get off on taking a man's celibacy. I didn't care if you was celibate or not. If I wanted to have sex with you, I would at least try. Now, I am questioning anyone, who wants to meet me. Maybe they want sex. Maybe they want my celibacy and do me, like I used to do men, in general. I'm looking for those hidden context clues, trying to reveal their true intentions.

For example, the other day, some dude hit me up on Ok Cupid. He gave me his number, but I could not talk on the phone at that time. Kids were acting up and screaming in the background. Then again, I wasn't feeling talking on the phone anyway.

His profile said he wanted a relationship. He not looking for one-night stands. Ok Cupid had also notified me he had read my profile. I guess he didn't read my disclaimers. He wants kids. He was willing to wait for sex up to a point, but not until marriage. He wanted to discuss sex and I did not. If I didn't question his questions, who knows I would have met him, dated him, and either had sex with him prior to marriage or broke up with him. I hate to give up celibacy to any relationship and it does not work out. 4 years is hard to get back. I don't want to start over with every relationship.

Stacie D. Wyatt
@2015 Stacie D. Wyatt/Celibacy Diaries

The Five Year Mark: March 13, 2015

2015-04-20T00:00:00.000-05:00

How did I go from being non-sexual to sexual to a sexual being in a celibate body? As I approach the 5 year mark, later on this year, I am having all these random thoughts.

Will the 5 year mark be a starting point for a new relationship, maybe marriage? Will the five-year mark be a breaking point and I fall into lust, having to start over. Or will my celibacy continue past Nov. 9, 2015 (last time, I had sex was Nov. 9, 2010) and I will still be sexless.

Distorted View of Sex

Pastor Michael Pender of Fallbrook Church in Houston, Texas, began discussing how to have a meaningful life in March. There are things, God does not want you to engage in because they are sinful, such as sex outside of marriage. People, who challenge God's limits struggle to have a meaningful life. Pender said society promotes harmless and blameless sex without complications and implications. God's purpose for sex gets distorted.

I distorted God's view of sex when I first started reading erotica. It was addicted by Zane. I was married at the time and abhorred sex. The book showed me things, I was not experiencing or never had experienced. I was addicted. I continued to read erotica in books and online. There was one site (don't know the name), I was always logged into for a little excitement. There was also this one book (don't know the name), I loved. Even though I didn't cheat on the ex until years later, the seed had been planted.

I wanted more.

I wanted what I was not getting.

When I moved from non sexual to a sexual being, once again, I wanted more and more. I cheated on the ex multiple times in a short period. At first, I felt guilty, but the ex continued to come home late or not at all and continue his infidelity. So, I added more men to the queue.

I am celibate now and I think back and reminisce over how stupid and naive I was. Being promiscuous definitely changed how I view men, relationships, and sex.

It is definitely a struggle as time goes by when from when I was having sex. I was lonely, but I was company a few times a week. People will meet you up for sex. I had more messages on dating sites, more phone calls. I lived on the bus line without kids, living with me. I was more free and now I feel somewhat trapped. 2 kids, no social life, no one lining up to date or meet me, even just to be an acquaintance, a friend. You mention celibacy, you get less responses and more people try to convince you out of it. I used to think discussing herpes was hard. Discussing celibacy is harder. Too many whys and why not sleep with mes? The 5 year mark is approaching---from non-sexual to sexual to sexual in a celibate being.

Stacie D. Wyatt
March 13, 2015

Undateable

2015-04-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

February 20, 2014

I always been the undatable one. I was the one, with head in books, and fingers on a computer. I wasn't popular or the most beautiful. I was an average introvert. I didn't do sleepovers, parties, high school dances, or sports. Home and school, school and home, except AFJROTC, VICA, and FIRST Robotics events.

I thought when I was out on my own, I would be dateable, if I was having sex. That's what attracted me to meeting people online. I will be dateable, if I was a sex object (faulty logic). 17 years later, I realized I was wrong being sexual, being promiscuous. Having sex doesn't make you any more or less dateable. I am 34 (at the time of writing this in my journal. I am now 35) and still lonely and alone (even while formerly married).

I am still not popular or the most beautiful or the most skinniest. I am still undateable and back to not having sex. No longer a virgin, just celibate.

I met three folks in almost 4 years. The first was a quick convo, while walking around the neighborhood, because I didn't want him to know where I lived. I also had the kids with me. Why walk, if I am not going to tire the kids out? The second tried to talk me out of my celibacy. How can I please a man, if I am not having sex. I also thought he was going to touch the boobs, so I kept those protected. The third dude, was a sweet dude, just never heard from again.

I understand the risks:

2 special needs children with various needs
Celibate for almost 5 years
Herpes for over 10 years.

I just want to be dateable and loved and married one day again. Have sex,while married, being monogamous again, but to do that, I need to date.

I feel undateable.

Glad I didn't sleep with you: East Point, GA

2015-04-18T11:21:00.003-05:00

I thought about this last night. I may or may have mentioned this on the blog before, but this is a great story of being glad, I did not sleep with him.

I met this dude off Fling. This had to be in 2006/2007 We talked maybe once or twice, before trying to meet up for some fun. For some reason, on the way to East Point, my phone was starting to die and I had to turn it off. His apartment was next to a gas station. I called him from a payphone, after writing his number down, to ask where his apartment was. He was acting funny on the phone. I caught the train and bus to get to his house and he didn't want to give me his location. He finally gave me some directions, even though it would have been easier to drive to meet me at the gas station.

After walking around the complex, I found his apartment. I almost passed it up but he saw me and wondered why I didn't see him. Let's see I don't have glasses on. I barely know what you look like. I probably won't call you again after this....

Anyway, I go into his apartment, and viola, people. Family, children, men, women. I knew then, no sex was going to happen. Even though I was having sex, I still had a bit of morality to me. No way in hell, I am having sex with this dude, with all these people in the house.

After going in the house, he sat down at one of the computers, near the front door, and started video chatting with another woman---a half-naked woman, I think on Fling. So you:

Invite me over and reluctant to give me your apartment number
Invite me over with a house full of folks
Invite me over and talk to another woman on video chat, instead of the woman, you invited over.

I asked if I could get on one of the other computers and checked my email, since I did not have a computer at home. After a few minutes, maybe more, he asked, why didn't I jump on him and start having sex with him, in front of all his relatives and kids. I got up and left. Back through the apartments, back through the gas station, back on the bus.

This dude was bold, very bold. You will find out why in a minute.

A few weeks later, a mystery man hits me up on yahoo im. He thinks I am cute. He wants to talk to me. He says he knows me. How do I know him? He goes into this whole elaborate story about how I know his sister. (I don't have too many female friends, I hang with). I was confused. He kept talking about how I came over to his house in East Point, where he noticed me sitting on a computer, checking my email. OH SNAP.

His sister was this other dude's GIRLFRIEND, who was at the house, when I showed up. So now, you invite someone over, with your girlfriend, her brother, your kids, and a house full of other folks. Yeah, Glad I didn't sleep with him. I was torn between lying about dude #2 sister being my hang out buddy or just telling the truth and saying I came over there to meet your girlfriend man. I opted for the truth.

I avoided a lot of drama.

Stacie D. Wyatt/Celibacy Diaries

April 18th, 2015

Setting Limits

2015-02-22T10:17:00.001-06:00

My latest issue of Psychology Today (December, 2013) discussed "The Power of No! How setting limits sets you free". Setting boundaries has been the latest discussion of the Celibacy is Sexy Chats. I thought the article would apply to Celibacy Diaries. We have to learn to say NO to the BS, the drama, the people asking for sex. :-). No, No, say it with me, NO.

Lies, Lies, Damn Lies

2015-01-16T13:45:00.000-06:00

Lies, Lies, Damn Lies

January 1^st, 2015

I started off my sexual experiences with a major lie, which I regretted since 1998. It was my first sexual experience and I was confused afterwards. Wasn’t sure what to feel, how to feel, or if I did the right thing by not waiting until marriage. I asked someone to help me figure out my feelings and he told me to tell my first, I was raped. I felt guilty, even now. Fast forward years past a decade and through a miracle, I was able to apologize to my first last year. All it took was a simple real name, instead of an alias, on a Paypal transaction. I am not sure what God was doing or what lesson he was trying to teach but I got to say I'm sorry.

Then, I met the ex-husband, in 1999. Even thought I am an introvert, I still desire company. I lied to him. Come visit me and you can get this or that sexual act, even though I did not mean it. I also believed his lies of how he was single and had no kids. I found out he lied about the kids shortly before we got married. I found out he lied about being single after I moved to second shift at my job.

I lied about my STD status for part of 2005. I couldn’t admit I had an STD. I was still faithful to the ex when I was diagnosed. I knew he was cheating, but having and admitting to an STD was out of the question. I didn’t tell my sex partners from Feb 2005 to around August 2005.

I told one dude, he was good in bed, when he wasn’t. He remembered and irritated me about it, until I had to come clean.

Or the dude, who wanted me to help him get a car. I had no job, but a checkbook. I didn’t have enough money in that account to cover his down payment. God was on my side because the check was never cashed. Dude was able to get his truck without messing me up. I believed his lies of us being together, moving in together, starting a business together.

I hate lying to folks. Kills what few conscience cells, I have left. After a while, I just started being honest, too honest, with people. I didn’t care if it hurt their feelings or not. Tact is not my friend, most times.

You will be a one-time fuck. I will never call you again. Nothing you can say or do can change my mind.

Of course, you have men, who believe you and men, who think their penis is the greatest thing in the world. I will be instantly mesmerized by their touch and call them back. HA. Needless to know, they were being compared to the greatest two of all time, who are both tied for #1. Was it fair? No, but that’s how it was.

I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t lie anymore.

Who's in Control

2015-01-15T13:33:00.002-06:00

This post was written a few weeks back.

I overheard one of the most stupidest things ever, which inspired this blog post. Who is in control over your behavior, your thoughts, your actions?

If you do something, whether smart or dumb or perverse, who is responsible for your actions? Who is to blame.

A while back, a relative went to jail for hitting her child. I called the police because the relative was not going to stop. She was drunk and high over something she thought my cousin said. Did the cousin say it? Of course, cousin admitted to it later. The damage though, was not immediately reparable.

The cousin had told the relative's boyfriend about the side piece. They broke up for a day, a freaking day, and then he wanted to bail the relative out of jail. Not sure what the cousin was trying to prove by telling on her drinking and smoking buddy, but the damage was done.

The child moved in with her aunt temporarily until the case is complete. The relative has to check in with her parole/probation officer each week. She has to go to court for something once a month. She also has to pay a major fine, but she does not have the money. No job. No one in the family can help with an amount that big. She may be going back to jail.

Today, I overheard the child's grandmother tell the child, if the child had CONTROLLED her mother's behavior, then grandma would not have to find a way to save up $1800 before court next week. Grandma placed the blame on her granddaughter. Her granddaughter got hit in the head. She had a sprained arm. She had to go to the hospital.

The grandma did not place any blame my cousin for starting the fire. She did not blame her daughter for over-drinking, smoking, and pill popping. She did not blame her daughter for belligerent behavior. She did not blame her daughter for hitting the grand. She blamed the child, which is confusing the hell out of me.

I also got part of the blame for calling the police. I thought the child was hurt since her head was going against the wall repeatedly.

If child was able to Control her mother, who was already under the influence.

How many times have we blamed others for our bad behavior? Maybe we blamed the wrong person for someone else's behavior.

I remember when I was younger, my grandma had misplaced some jewelry. I slept in a bed in her room for stupid reasons. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy at 14. Prior to diagnosis, I slept in a bedroom with my mother, 2 sisters, and sometimes the father. My grandma felt sleeping in a room with 3 or more people caused Epilepsy so she bought me a bed to put in her room. My uncle also slept in there on the couch because he felt if the police came for him (for one of his many offenses), they wouldn't find him on the couch in his mother's room...

I don't wear too much jewelry. Most of my collection is in a small bag in my purse or in a ziplock in the closet.

Anyway, I got the blame for missing jewelry. I never seen it. Didn't know what it looked like. Eventually, my grandma found where she placed her own jewelry. She moved it when she was cleaning and forgot. I never got an apology but I was pissed for a long time.

She lost it, I got the blame for days, despite protest.

So when I was having sex and got myself into some compromising situations, I chose to put myself in those situations. I chose to have sex with married men. I chose to be a webcam girl. I chose the men. I chose to be promiscuous. I chose to have sex outside of marriage, even before I physically done it, I mentally thought about it. I chose to have sex for money sometimes.

I chose to have sex for food, for a place to stay, because I was bored, because I had nothing else to do.

Some things I could not control though, such as the men's thoughts and actions, but I still have control.

Maybe if we put God in control first, then life would make so much more sense.