CenterstageChicago.com Presents: Dating

The Thrill of It All

Sat, 01 May 2010 12:00:00 CST

photo: courtesy of Aloft Loft

Looking for something new to do with your significant other? These offbeat activities range from high-intensity to pretty relaxed, and they're guaranteed to take you at least an inch out of your comfort zone.

Fly on wings of love at Aloft Loft
Even if Cirque du Soleil-style acrobatics are out of your range, as they are for most of us, you won?t have any trouble finding a spot at Aloft. Classes here include trapeze and aerial silks and rope, but you can also opt for beginning acrobatics, hand balancing or just basic strength conditioning if you're feeling a little bashful. Still, the lure of hanging upside down after a scant few lessons is pretty powerful - and making a fool out of yourself in front of your loved one can be pretty fun. If you're still unsure, try a free "taster" class, a shortened version of trapeze or silks that happens once a month (see website for details; reservations required).

photo: courtesy of Skydeck

Go out on a ledge at the Willis Tower Skydeck
If you're the type who'd rather be blogging about it than out on it, this attraction offers the thrill without the work. The people at Skydeck have come up with an unusual -- but perversely intriguing -- idea: two clear glass boxes, called the "Ledge," that jut out from the 103rd story of the Willis Tower. Sure, it's a little cheesy to hit up the tourist attractions in your own town, but this one's not quite your average carriage ride. And there's no denying that the view from 1,300 feet above the city is that much more romantic than the one from your back deck.

Get your relationship off the ground at Silver Lining Balloons
Interested in being airborne, but prefer an easier way to get there? There's always the classic stand-by, the hot air balloon. While you have a few options for flying in the Chicagoland area, Silver Lining Balloons in Crystal Lake offers a special flight where you and your sweetheart can have the basket to yourselves. Although operating year-round, it is weather-dependent and requires reservations way in advance, but we're willing to bet it's worth the wait.

Take the plunge together at Skydive Chicago
This is truly for the most adventurous couples. Based in Ottawa, about an hour and a half away (did you really think you could skydive in the Loop?), Skydive Chicago offers all kinds of packages for first-timers and seasoned jumpers. First-timers have to jump with an instructor; however, if you're really into the adrenaline rush, you can purchase another jump for half off or sign up for classes and certification. It isn't cheap, but nothing says 'I love you' like clinging to each other for dear life as you fall from 13,500 feet above the ground.

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Thaw Your Heart

Sat, 20 Mar 2010 12:00:00 CST

If you're anything like us, you spent the bitterly cold winter cooped up indoors with plenty of booze and cheap take-out; great for staying warm, yes, but not so great for your love life. Now that the sun is finally out, we're back on the prowl, and so should you be, too. Here are a few ideas to help you get your groove back.

Tandem Along the Lakefront
This one requires a lot of love, as one person always ends up doing most of the work, but it's a good way to take in the sights of Chicago's lakeshore while burning a few hundred calories. Rentals run about $20 per hour and include hundreds of bikes to choose from. You can also choose from a number of tours including the Gold Coast, Old Town, Lincoln Park and the lakefront. Check out Bike Chicago for more information. Once you've worked up an appetite, head over to Chicago's Green City Market for some fresh seasonal fare; the indoor market is open every first and third Saturday (8 a.m.-1 p.m.) through April 24, and the outdoor market runs every Wednesday and Saturday (7 a.m.-1 p.m.) from May 12-October 30.

Take an Architectural Tour
If a workout sounds too exhausting, try something more relaxing like an architectural cruise. You and your date won't have to lift a finger, except to snap a few pictures. And it doesn't matter how long you?ve lived in Chicago, you're bound to learn something new about your city on this informative tour. Check out Chicago's First Lady or the Architectural Foundation for more information.

Pack a Gourmet Picnic for the Park
Chicago is rampant with locally owned markets and public parks, and we've paired them up for the perfect outdoor date. Head over to Piatto Pronto in Andersonville, where you'll find made-to-order paninis, imported oils and cheeses and exotic sides like octopus salad. Or check out Lakeview's Southport Grocery and Cafe, complete with fresh-baked pastries (try the signature cupcakes), deli salads and sandwiches and a small selection of wines and brews. If you're in the Bucktown/Wicker Park area, head over to the upscale Goddess and Grocer (there are also locations in the Gold Coast and at Elston and Webster), where you can find all the fixin's for a truly fanciful outdoor feast. Pair your tasty treats with a nice bottle of wine, a kitschy checkered blanket and a little Miles Davis (on that new portable iPod speaker you bought for yourself as a mid-winter treat) and your date is sure to swoon. For a complete list of city parks, check out the Chicago Park District website.

Make Out at Maxwell Street Market
Get your mind out of the gutter; we're talking about bargains here. Save the PDA, and your dough, for something a little steamier by scavenging this outdoor market full of knock-off Coach, Chanel and Louis Vuitton handbags, shoes, designer fragrances and Sharpies (you never know what you're going to find at this place). In addition to its wallet-friendly finds, Maxwell Street Market makes room for a number of local food vendors, featuring everything from Polish dogs and pizza to tortas and tamales. We recommend the vanilla-stuffed churros, served warm for just one buck. The Maxwell Street Market is open every Sunday from 7 a.m.-3 p.m, admission is free.

The Morning-After Brunch
For reasons that we need not mention, it's always good to have a fail-safe brunch spot in mind when dating. We can think of hundreds of spots on an empty stomach, but when it comes to playing favorites, we've got no qualms about narrowing it down. First there's Tweet in Uptown, where complimentary coffee cake, portions large enough to share and cheap bloody marys can make any morning seem brighter. Head a little further north to Andersonville and enter M. Henry territory. This organic-focused spot is slightly more upscale and even more indulgent with choices like blackberry bliss cakes layered with vanilla mascarpone cream and topped with a brown sugar-oat crust. For something a little more unique, head over to the Chicago Diner in Boystown and choose from a slew of meat-free dishes like buckwheat pancakes, vegan muffins and seitan sausages. Other favorites include Victory's Banner, Milk and Honey Cafe and Nookies Too.

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Going in Blind

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 12:00:00 CST

To most of modern society, the concept of blind dating may simply be out of date.

But at a time when search-engines and social-networking sites make it easy to research almost anyone before you meet, one creative website is putting a little mystery back in the process: CrazyBlindDate.com.

The rules of the game go like this: Sign up for a 30-minute-minimum date with a complete stranger and without any sophisticated personality test or "About Me" section to fill out beforehand (nor any membership fee to pay).

There is essentially no vetting process. In fact, you won't even get a phone number for textual flirting beforehand - only a first name and distorted photo, and a date, time and place.

"We like to keep things simple," the website's description reads. "That's why on very short notice we can set you up on quick dates with total strangers at public places."

Founder Sam Yagan, 32, says that unlike sites like eHarmony.com, which promises an eventual soul mate, his site thrives on low expectations. "Crazy Blind Date is not going to change the world," Yagan says. "The name is already kind of tongue-in-cheek. The people who use the site are adventurous, wanting to try new things, exciting people who think 'Why not?'"

Yagan also points to the appeal of having to do little work - like managing a profile and emails, winks, pokes, and all other forms of virtual courtship - and the opportunity for instant gratification as keys to the site's success.

CrazyBlindDate hosts about 100 dates a night across the country - 10 in Chicago - and boasts one married New York City couple among its users. Perhaps more impressively, one woman in Austin has gone on a date through the site once a week for about a year, according to Yagan. The service, launched in November 2008, is currently only available in eight U.S. cities.

The first step is to create an account where you can log in to manage dates, rate your date and play with the matching system, according to the website.

Then you "schedule" the days, times and neighborhoods that work for you, and your matches' preferred age and gender. First decision: solo Crazy Blind Date or double Crazy Blind Date (with a friend or another set of strangers)? You are also given the option to further specify what you want in your potential date: height, ethnicity, body type, education, smoking and religion.

This is much different from the original blind date, according to one historian, who says those early matches typically included a lot of insight and vetting.

The idea of blind dating originated in post-WWII society, when friends and family would "set up" people who were from the same community with the idea of marriage, says Beth Bailey, a courtship and dating historian and professor at Temple University. In the 1960s, Ivy League colleges developed complicated algorithms and systems aimed at correlating attributes for a match.

When it comes to "the notion of a blind date as a means of a random match-up, [Crazy Blind Date] is probably a lot more accurate," Bailey said in a phone interview. "It sounds fun, adventurous ? but it's a very odd method of dating if it's that random to find people you actually want to spend time with."

Your Resident Single Girl

In the name of research, one brave reporter was sent out on a "blind" assignment. That reporter being me ? Sally Ho, your resident single girl.

For the sake of the blindest date possible, I opted not to specify the man I'd like to meet. Instead, just a man between 25 and 30, in a coffee shop, in one of several North Side neighborhoods.

Who I got was Marcus*, a man in his late 20s who was adjusting to life back in Chicago after years abroad. He seemed genuine, liked hockey and offered to pay for my coffee (as a feminist, I declined) ? a good prospect by most standards.

Marcus says he returned to his hometown to start school this semester. He had been on two other Crazy Blind Dates before. "My sister convinced me to do it," he said. "Figured, why not?"

Marcus was not, as some may fear, a creepy serial killer or antisocial ogre. He was a very normal man ? the kind of nice guy most girls look for - who I probably see dozens of on an average night out on the town, but won't actually get to know.

What I learned on this blind date is that finding a true connection may just be a numbers game. If so, CrazyBlindDate.com makes no promises of a winning season - just many games on the schedule. Play 'til ya win.

*Identifying details have been changed to protect the dater.

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Dating on a Dime

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 12:00:00 CST

photo: Alicia Eler

Edgewater's Taqueria Uptown boasts terrific tacos at a two-bit price.

Let's face it; dating in the city is no longer a cinch. Sure, it's easy to meet other single folk, but figuring out where to take 'em without breaking the bank is another story entirely. We should know, as we've been around the block?and left for broke?more than we care to admit. But now we've ditched our expensive errors for these low-cost locales.

Eat cheap (and hit the beach) with Taqueria Uptown (Bryn Mawr)
Our beloved North Side Mexican joints have long been a go-to for cheap eats, so it should come as no surprise that this Uptown spot is high on our list of favorites. For starters, the tacos, priced well under $2, cost about as much as a Snickers bar, and they're bigger, too (not to mention far more substantial). Stuffed to the brim with your choice of steak, chicken or pork, these are not to be compared to your average taco. In fact, the oversize tortillas are more akin to, say, miniature burritos?just one or two and you and your date should have enough fuel for a few rounds of volleyball at the nearby Foster Avenue Beach. But before you head off to the lake, we recommend grabbing an ice-cold horchata for the trek.

Take a tango lesson at Nacional 27
A great way to keep your love life cheap is to date during the week. You're bound to find discounts at every turn, as plenty of bars and restaurants offer food and drink deals during this time in order to keep a steady clientele. Personally, we prefer Nacional's Tango Tuesdays (offered on the second Tuesday of every month at 7 p.m.), when lessons are complimentary with any food or beverage purchase. To make it even better (read: more affordable) the restaurant also offers a special "Tapas Tuesday" tasting for $9.95 per person. Of course, you could always opt for dancing at a nearby dive, where the brews are likely cheaper; just be prepared for the term "tango" to take on a whole new meaning.

Up the ante at Big Joe's 2 and 6 Pub
If you insist on jumping in on the weekend action, we recommend spending a Friday night with your guy or gal at Big Joe's. That?s when the otherwise unassuming Ravenswood spot lets loose with its weekly turtle races. Yes, you heard us right: turtle races. For every pitcher of beer you purchase, you'll score a ticket, which will then be thrown into the pool. Every 15 minutes, six tickets are drawn and the lucky drinkers (that's you) are assigned turtles (with names like Swisher, Lola, Doozy and Chicks). Your little reptile then gets to flex his competitive muscle on the racing arena (aka a pool table). And folks, this is one race where losing wins (losers score free beer, winners get a t-shirt).

Cool Down at The Original Rainbow Cone
When your date's a little a too hot to handle, you can cool her down with an icy treat at this South Side staple. She's sure to swoon for the shop's signature rainbow cone, featuring five layers of sheer bliss including orange sherbet, chocolate, pistachio, strawberry and Palmer House (a cherry-nut concoction) ice creams. It's no surprise that the shop has been serving up its namesake treat on the cheap since 1923 and is still going strong today. So strong, in fact, that Rainbow Cone has plans to open a second location downtown in the landmark Page Brothers building.

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Seven Places to Leave Your Lover

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 12:00:00 CST

Let's face it, there's no better time to be single than the onset of summer. And now that the sun is here to stay (at least for the next few months), your chances of flirtation and flings have just skyrocketed. Of course, there's never an appropriate time or place for such dirty deeds as smashing delicate hearts, but there are certainly a few spots that can help.

Turn in your overdue relationship at Harold Washington Library
Worried that things might get a little ugly during the break-up? You'll both have no choice but to end things peacefully and quietly at the Library, lest you invite the wrath of an overworked librarian. Once it's all over, your former mate can wallow in the self-help section or escape your insensitivity with the latest fiction.

Dance it off at Debonair Social Club
If you know for certain there's going to be tears and treacherous screams, hike it over to Debonair Social Club. The Wicker Park dance club is nearly always packed and loud enough for your forlorn lover to throw a fit (let's just hope that's the only thing she decides to throw) without causing too much of a scene.

Send mixed signals at Cafe Iberico
The relationship has been great and part of you is still invested, but you're just not ready to fully commit?especially since you're about to take a two-week vacation to the tropics. Let him down gently and thoughtfully at this downtown restaurant, where the Spanish-inspired plates are meant for sharing. The communal dining experience will indicate that you still want to leave the door open (OK, maybe just unlocked), but that you need some time (say, about three sunny months) to do your own thing.

Put in your resignation at Starbucks
Take your pick, they're a dime a dozen?not to mention predictable and costly, just like your current relationship. The international chain's impersonal atmosphere, idyllic for informal business meetings, will allow you to lay it all out on the table in a diplomatic manner. Play it safe before you give your big speech by urging your mate to order something cool and refreshing (no need for both of you to get burned). You'll also be doing your part to boost business for local places like Dollop and Cafe Avanti, as your ex is likely to steer clear of Starbucks afterward.

Mask the tears at Edgewater Lounge
Take advantage of the spacious outdoor patio at this neighborhood pub, where your soon-to-be ex won't have to feel awkward when she masks the tears with a stylish pair of shades. You'll both be able to numb the pain with another round before parting ways.

Make a quick escape at Summer Noodles & Rice
This Thai restaurant's casual atmosphere and close proximity to the Granville Red Line stop makes it the perfect spot to split ways after splitting the bill. The roar of the train during dinner will serve as the perfect soundtrack for the abrupt end to your relationship, and the spicy entrees won't make it too hard to fake tears if you need to. Just be sure to board separate cars if you're both taking the train home afterward.

Find an instant rebound at Oak Street Beachstro
If your sole intent in ending the relationship is in the spirit of summer flings, this is the perfect place to?pardon the cliche?kill two birds with one stone. Once you and your former flame have both had your share of seafood, sadness and sangria at this lakefront restaurant, you can spend the rest of your day scoping out the beach-ready crowd.

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Break the Ice

Mon, 04 May 2009 12:00:00 CST

Whether it's your co-worker, your best friend or someone you've never met, we've got the just the thing to turn your nerve-wracking first date into a perfect night in Chicago. So take our advice, stop freaking out and find something nice to wear.

Going in blind
This may be the most dreaded date of them all, even if you've previously chatted and shared photos. The unpredictability of a blind date is enough to make the smoothest dater sweat in his swank duds. But that's because he's probably picked the wrong location to meet up. Rather than a nice restaurant or the old standby coffee shop, we recommend a place that's chock-full of distraction, like Navy Pier. There's so much going on here that you won't even have a moment of silence to feel tense. And you can leave it up to your date to choose the first activity; a ride on the notorious ferris wheel, a drink at one of the venue's pubs or a hit blockbuster in the IMAX.

Too touristy? Try an oddball museum.

The almost one-night stand
Hey, we're not pointing fingers. Those of us who haven't given out our (real) number to someone we met in a bar have at least entertained the idea. But let's get real for a minute. At least one of the parties involved here was looking for little more than a late-night hookup, so you'd do well to keep it casual if you happen to go for round two. You don't want to spend too much money, but you should at least meet somewhere decent before hitting the sheets again. We recommend the Deluxe Diner in Edgewater. Nice enough to say "hey you?re not so bad," and laid-back enough to let your date know that you're still on the fence about this one.

Want to get to bed faster? Find a diner in your 'hood.

Is it really a date?
Your favorite study buddy finally asked you to meet up without the rest of the group. At first you're thrilled, since you've been waiting for this moment all semester. Then it hits you: what if dreamboy just wants to squeeze in an extra study session before finals? Chances are he wants to squeeze in a little more than that, but you don't want to be presumptuous. This is where local coffee houses like Dollop Coffee Co. always come in handy. Neither of you will end up splurging on expensive drinks or dinner, and the unassuming atmosphere is good for studying both the books and each other.

For a truly local latte, search for a coffeehouse near you.

You're already good friends
And now you'll never be able to get that back. But in the meantime, you can relish in the comfort of already knowing each other's dirty little secrets and pet peeves. Since you've probably already done dinner, drinks and all the typical datey stuff together, we suggest mixing it up with a cooking class at the Wooden Spoon. You can test your hand at steakhouse classics or try one of the romance-inspired classes like the Spring Kiss, $65 per person. And if all goes well, you can both put your newfound skills to good use on the next date.

Try these other cooking schools, or head to a restaurant cooking class.

You're both into music
Hopefully you've at least figured out that much at this point. If not, you should probably take a long stroll along the lakeshore together beforehand and ask the typical "getting to know you" questions. But even if your new date doesn't have a defined musical taste, she'll still appreciate the classic jazz and chic decor at the historic Green Mill. Cozy up in one of the club's circular booths and order a classic tipple while you rack your brain for clever things to say (if you can't think of anything, you can just blame it on the fact that you're supposed to keep quiet during the set).

Not into all that jazz? Find a club that fits your style or just pick a show.

You've asked out your coworker
You?re already breaking the rules (never date anyone you work with), so you may as well take it a step further. First dates should never involve bank-draining dinners or truly intimate settings, but you're probably both due for a refreshing escape from the office. And Mr. Trump is just the man to take care of that with his swank restaurant, Sixteen, located on the sixteenth floor of the Trump International Hotel & Tower. You and your date can choose from gourmet dishes like wild Tasmanian salmon and Colorado lamb with trumpet mushrooms. And if you get too tipsy on the restaurant's extensive selection of wine, you can shack up in one of the hotel's luxurious suites.

Can't afford to be that sinful? There are plenty of other hotel restaurants that fit the bill - and probably won't be hosting your co-workers.

You're totally broke
You spent your last dime on the latest iPhone app and now you haven't a clue how to impress on your date, which is just days away. This is where local landmarks like Millennium Park come in handy. Now before you roll your eyes, thinking, Oh God, everyone has been to Millennium Park, take a minute to think about the endless opportunities for conversation here. There will be plenty of unassuming tourists for you both to secretly poke fun at, and a nice walking trail to work up an appetite for later. There are also a ridiculous amount of pubs, restaurants, museums and shops nearby (you know, if your date is willing to fork over some dough), including the Art Institute, which offers free admission on Tuesdays.

Want to get a little more wild? Check out the Lincoln Park Zoo.

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Speed Dating for Your Sweet Tooth

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:00:00 CST

It's time to step away from your computer and find a date the old-fashioned way with speed dating. OK, so it isn't exactly a vintage concept, but meeting your potential mate face-to-face has certainly become one with the growing popularity of Internet dating. And let's not forget that speed-dating was in vogue long before sites like E-Harmony and Match.com, where background checks are performed before you even have the chance to catch someone's virtual eye. Instead of lurking about online and discreetly searching profile after profile for your ideal hair color and body type, DateandDash (a local speed-dating service) allows you to relax in plush red chairs, nibble on chocolates and sip champagne at unique venues like Ethel's Chocolate Lounge, while you mingle with other singles. Thirty-nine bucks gets you in, and champagne and chocolate are included, so it's not a total loss if you don't meet Prince Charming. But chances are you will end up with someone, as a whopping 90 percent of DateandDash singles get matched immediately. The best part about these events is the variety of people that attend. In fact, you'll have just as many choices for dates at Ethel's as you will for the shop's vast selection of chocolates. The process of choosing a guy or gal really isn't that different from picking your favorite truffle, either. (Does he smell good? Will she make you happy? Should you try something new?) And just like the sweets here, your dates will go down much more smoothly with a glass or two of bubbly. The goal, according to DateandDash, is for everyone to date each other. In the real world, this could cause some serious heartache, but in the world of speed dating, it's all about options. Dating everyone within the span of an hour means you only get to spend about three to eight minutes with each participant. But, as veteran speed-daters know, even two minutes can feel like an eternity when you end up with the awkward guy who breathes heavy and stares blankly at you the whole time. Thankfully, dating coach Patty Feinstein offers a list of conversation starters to help break the ice. She suggests sticking to pop culture and humor questions, and to avoid politics at all costs (save the arguments for later in the relationship). One example from Feinstein?s list, "Do you believe in tantric sex?" is sure to cause a reaction, while others like, "What do you think of Dancing with the Stars?" may spark blank expressions. In any case, the point is to keep it light and to have fun (e.g. nobody wants to hear about your exes).

At the end of the evening, when you're all liquored up and your dating card is full, it's time to go home and find your matches on the company's website. If you and your dream date both circled yes on your match cards (given at the beginning of each event) then you're in. Of course, one of you still has to make the next move and ask the other on a real date. If you end up in the unlucky 10 percent of matchless folks, your next DateandDash event is free. If you'd like more info, call (800) 957-DASH or log onto the company's website.

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Hipster Lovin'

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 12:00:00 CST

photo: Stacy Warden

A table for two is ready for you and your hip date at Edgewater Lounge.

I've dated my fair share of boys in tight jeans and ironic t-shirts. Half of them were musicians, the others tortured writers and professional baristas. These dates never went very far (you can only date a guy who looks better than you in women's pants for so long), but some of the regular haunts we visited were relationship-worthy. Here were my favorites: The Flat Iron
My visits to Flat Iron have always been early in the evening, when the crowd is sparse. It's a great opportunity to really check out the artwork painted on the pub's walls, when herds of trendsetters aren't leaning against them. The century-old building, which functioned as an art colony in the 1980s (and The Note until last summer), houses work from ten local artists. So it isn't any surprise to find a myriad of creative types holing up in the place. And let's not forget, you're still in Wicker Park, where hipster love is always in the air. In the event that you and your date hit it off here, head next door to Debonair Social Club and take things to the next level with DJs and dancing. Should you need to refuel, Flat Iron stays open until 4 a.m.

Inner Town Pub
You may not be able to smoke inside, but Innertown Pub is one of the few spots left sporting a real-life cigarette machine. The bar's interiors resemble something of a shipwreck, as if maybe the Titanic sunk here. But instead of sapphires and fancy dresses, you'll find baubles, bumper stickers and beer signs. Reveling in all the kitsch and PBR, are a number of local hipsters sporting discerning looks. It's easy to feel unwelcome when weaving through these tables of regulars, but as long as you can name five bands no one's ever heard of, you'll pass unscathed.

Happy Village
Located just down the street from Inner Town Pub is a joint that's sure to make you smile. Perhaps that's where it gets its cheerful moniker. Because of its discreet locale, you wouldn't expect much of a crowd here, but Happy Village packs in a full house on popular pub nights. It's a great spot to hit in the summer, when the massive back patio opens to reveal a replica of what your backyard might look like during a family reunion, minus the nagging kinfolk. Large garden tents provide shelter from the sun and strands of faux ivy strung with lights add a kitschy charm.

Edgewater Lounge
Sitting unassumingly on the corner of Ashland and Bryn Mawr, Edgewater Lounge appeals to a loyal crowd; it relies on regulars, as the place is easy to pass thanks to its stark, paneled exterior and long-faded sign. This pub is not one that prides itself on classic mixed libations, but Edgewater Lounge does sit high on its select brews. Stained glass windows and high-back wooden booths create the perfect back room for cooing and canoodling, while the front room caters to singles parked at the bar.

Small Bar (Logan Square)
It's one of the few spots in Logan Square that doesn't spill into Bucktown and still reels in an American Apparel-clad crowd. The beer selection is shocking (read: good), given the pub's location, but the crew's discerning taste shines through with its brews and late-night menu. I always bring an appetite to this place, as it's one of the rare spots where I've had healthful (and flavorful) pub fare (try the homemade hummus with pita wedges). A heated patio provides shelter for those stragglers who came too late to snag a seat at the bar and a corner television streams sports for those who can't miss a beat.

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Geek Love

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 12:00:00 CST

Visit the Valentine's Day Guide to
singles' events and romantic outings �

photo: courtesy of Nerds at Heart

They're not just the founders, they're nerds, too.

How exactly do you know if you're a nerd? If you're a 70th-level Night Elf Druid, you're probably a nerd. If you make jokes framed in stoichiometry equations, you're definitely a nerd. According to Nerds at Heart founders Bathsheba Birman and Julia Borcherts, "if you think you are, you probably are." And thanks to these two self-proclaimed nerds, plenty of local Chicagoans don't just think it; they own it. Birman and Borcherts formed Nerds at Heart in July 2006 in an attempt to break away from the typical speed-dating scene. Since hosting their first event at Guthries Tavern, the ladies have generated quite a following and continue to host monthly events, including "Dating for Nerds" and "Dating for Queer Nerds," at local low-key hangouts.

The goal of each event is to provide a low-pressure way for smart singles to meet in a comfortable environment. Birman says that it's easy for her and Borcherts to pick the nerd-friendly places, since the ladies are part of their own target audience. "In a lot of ways, we're the un-dating event," says Birman. "There is no age range and there are no litmus tests." In fact, the majority of folks who attend the Dating for Nerds events are just regular-looking guys and gals interested in nerdy pursuits from anime to anthropology. "We get some stereotypical 'Revenge of the Nerds' types and we consider them our brethren, but most of our attendees truly are nerds at heart."

So what exactly can you expect at one of these "un-date" nights? Well, for one, you get a complimentary cocktail to help take the edge off, and then there's a round of board games and trivia quizzes. And even if you don't end up going home with the nerd of your dreams, you still have the chance to score with ticket giveaways and geeky prizes like library action figures, switchblade pocket combs and Nancy Drew Books. Past events have included tickets to brain-teasing events like "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee" and copies of Joel Derfner's Gay Haiku, for all the GLBT nerds. This month promises even more exciting giveaways with the chance to win tickets to musicals like "Xanadu" and the Tony Award-winning "Miss Saigon."

photo: Courtesy of Nerds at Heart

Even if you don't leave with a number, you'll probably get a prize.

With just two and a half years under its belt, Nerds at Heart has already seen success with three hetero engagements and two long-term lesbian couples, including one lesbian marriage. "We hope to score invites to as many of the weddings as possible," says Birman. Events are $20 in advance (sign up at nerdsatheart.com) or $25 at the door. If you haven't already found your Valentine, make a saving throw against shyness and join Birman and Borcherts as they host their Second Annual Love Fest at Holiday Club on February 12. The event is open to both straight and queer singles and, in addition to the regular lineup of board games, cocktails and giveaways, it will include sappy love songs in the tradition of Journey and Air Supply and a drag performance called "Baking with Bertha," in which Bertha will offer tips on baking and love and leads a version of the Dating Game.

Visit the Valentine's Day Guide to
singles' events and romantic outings �

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Answer Orgy

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 12:00:00 CST

As someone famous once said, ?The more things change, the more Shania Twain.? And so it is with this adage in mind that I am retiring as Carnal Consultant. I've finally paid my debt to society and the judge said I could walk free, on the condition that I return the embroidered oven mitts and the unlimited supply of Flaming Hots.

It has truly been a pleasure servicing your sexual and romantic conundrums. Please feel free to email me your tips on how to can furniture polish or the history of cunnilingus according to Wikipedia. I appreciate all the feedback I?ve received from you all, which is why in this last column, I will try to answer as many questions as possible that I didn?t have time to get to. Of course they will be short since I only have so much room on this page. Away we go!

As a male I sometimes imagine being bisexual and I'd be much more receptive to being that way if you, Anna, were overseeing the situation. In good health with an experience of 67 times around the sun! What do you say?
It?s great that you're exploring your bisexuality, and at 67 years young! I applaud you. But no.

My girlfriend recently hit it off with a guy at a work conference, and wants to follow up on their connection. We're poly but the guy is not. What can I do about this other guy? I don't want to interfere too much, but at the same time I want him to reassure him that I'm okay with him getting involved with her as long as he doesn't try to break my relationship with her. Should I talk to him directly, or let them work it out without my advice?
Don't talk to him. If your girlfriend is straightforward about your situation, he'll either be comfortable in pursuing something or not. There's no use in you playing the middleman. Unless you?re into that?

I want to bring some food into the bedroom. My gf's lactose intolerant so whipped cream's out, and we're both avoiding corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oils, so chocolate syrup's also not so good. Any recommendations?
Whatever you do, don't put Cholula hot sauce anywhere near your ass. Not even the ?mild? flavor. Go wild, but use your common sense. No oils that could deteriorate latex. Avoid putting lots of sugary things into your girlfriend's vagina. Try Popsicles, ice, candy (like lollipops, jolly ranchers), honey, fresh fruits, organic chocolate sauce (if you can't find it at the store, make your own). And don't forget the world's oldest sex toy, the cucumber.

I'm a female in the Bay Area and I'm sick of my car. I want to get into cycling, but there's just one little snag. The problem? Bike seats make me sore. I'm talking really sore, like I can't sit down for a week, much less masturbate or have sex. I've tried those big ass seats and padded butt shorts, but there's just too much pressure between my legs. Is there anything I can do?
Biking shouldn't hurt, especially to the point where you can't jill off. Take your bike to your local bike shop and have them check it out. It could be that the seat height is off or the angle. If your bike fits comfortably, then you should be able to leave the Caboost! Padded Panties to the guests on The Tyra Banks Show.

I'm a middle school teacher in my 20s and I still want to have a life. Everyone's telling me to get on Facebook and Okcupid and other social networking sites, but I'm afraid that my students will find me online. Am I doomed to online spinsterhood, or is there some way to keep my profile age appropriate and still sexy?
Facebook privacy settings are about as secure as Guantanamo. If you're still worried, slightly change the spelling of your name so they can't look you up. And if you hear your students talking about social networking sites, play clueless. Pretend like you still use an abacus. This will ensure they don?t go a snoopin'.

After a recent condom malfunction I found myself in need of the morning-after pill. The guy who put me in the situation kissed me goodbye and went on his merry way as I went to buy it. I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I realized I was going to have to shell out 40 bucks for what was essentially his mistake (and then had to be the one to take on a miserable week of hormone-induced mood swings and depression). What's the etiquette here?
It shouldn?t be the sole responsibility of the dude to buy condoms, and it also shouldn't be the sole responsibility of the lady to buy other forms of birth control, such as the morning-after pill. If you are having regular sex with someone, it?s not uncouth to ask that birth control costs be split 50-50. It would have been gentlemanly of him to escort you into the pharmacy, yes, but such an act doesn't render him completely shitterific. Also, if a condom breaks (and he should be able to feel it), stop immediately and put on another one.

How can I find sex toys that fit me well without spending lots of money? They're expensive and not exactly returnable.
Ask the sales people for their recommendations. They're there for a reason, and it's not only to laugh at you for buying ?Big Trouble in Little Vagina.? The catch is you have to know at least moderately what you?re looking for. Most sex toys have user reviews, as well. If you find something you like, hop on google and read about it, so you can hop on something else later.

How do I indicate to a hot bisexual couple that I'm interested in both of them and would be open to a threesome without sounding like a complete skeezebag who just wants a sandwich?
First, don't say anything about a sandwich. Second, flirt like crazy. Make both subtle and overt jokes about threesomes ? cheaper hotel costs, three-legged races, etc. Compliment them, not just on their looks. And really, don't say anything about a sandwich.

Anna Pulley has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. She's not contractually obligated to answer questions for us anymore, but you can contact her here.

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Virtual Insanity

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:00:00 CST
I met this guy online. He calls every day or so. Our conversations are great. I feel I've known him for years. However, every time we make plans to see each other he pulls a no-show. Meaning, we will make the plans, he tells me he will call me when he gets home to firm up things, and then no call. What's up with that? He always has an excuse; tired, weather, etc. I asked if he was married or seeing someone, but he tells me no. I am confused. I would drop him like a bad habit if it weren?t for those great conversations. I want to take what started virtually to the next level. What gives? Is he just not that into me?
~Virtual Confusion
It could be a number of things, Virtual. Maybe he's hideously disfigured. Maybe he's trying to recreate "The Truth About Cats and Dogs." Maybe he's an anthropomorphized vacuum cleaner. Regardless of what he's hiding, though, you need to drop him like he's Windows Vista.
I've met people like this guy. Or rather I haven't met them because they're so wrapped up in their online personalities and Second Life wife-swapping parties that they forget what it's like to exist in the real world. These people need a twittervention. Granted, you got your dude to pick up the phone, which is something, but not much. You can't base a relationship on good conversations alone, unless you're a phone-sex operator and the "relationship" in question is actually "$3 a minute."
If you deign to waste more cell-phone minutes and give him one more shot, then call him and make concrete plans right then. Something to the tune of: "Meet me at 8pm at the 7-11 in Boystown, boxed wine section" should do the trick. Of course, this won't shield you from the almighty weather and "I'm fatigued" excuses, but it will shift his lame-o behavior into the Undeniable Asshattery category if he stands you up again.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

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Hands-On Experience

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 12:00:00 CST
I know this guy who masturbates a lot. He wants to know how to stop it because he feels it's not good for him but he is addicted and doesn't know how to stop.
And he would like to not tell his parents at least for now.
~Addicted to Love
Alright, I won't tell them, but I'm running out of excuses for why the Jergens moisturizer keeps disappearing. Do you want the dog to keep bearing the brunt of their frustration?
Before we engage in hand-to-gland combat, I have a joke:
"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor says. The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Snarf! This hilarious aside also emphasizes my point, which is that one cannot masturbate too much unless it is seriously interfering with your life. Is "your friend" friggin' his riggin' to the point where he cannot finish his pre-algebra homework? Does he have to stop halfway through an episode of Golden Girls to yank his crank? Has he stopped paying his bills or caring about the whales? If the answer is no, then he has nothing to worry about.
Masturbation is good for you. It helps you sleep. It releases the endorphins that make us feel happy. It helps men gain control over their orgasms, so premature ejaculation is less of a problem. It's calming ? 10 times more than a dose of Valium. According to sexologists, NOT jerking off at all is more likely to create psychological problems than jerking off incessantly. Also, it feels good, duh. Fetuses have been photographed touching their genitals in the womb. Even animals masturbate! The problems with masturbation often come in only after someone tells us it's wrong or dirty or sinful.
Personally, I have enough to be ashamed of already (hello, Evanescence!) and don't need to waste my time worrying about how much I polish my china. And neither should you.
It's time to take matters into your own hands, Addicted.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

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Only for the Lonely

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 12:00:00 CST
I want to know, is it me why I can not find a woman that is available? It seems everybody 21 and up is in a relationship. By the way I am 25. I feel real lonely, and it feels bad. What should be my first step?
~Lonely Boy
I don't know, Lonely. Maybe your bad grammar makes them [sic]? I stole that from a Snorg T-shirt. Hope that cheers you up; I'm off for my daily highball and musket practice down at the Trump Tower. Toodles.
Your first step should be to drop that woe-is-me shit like it's a piece of Flavor Flav's 50-pound bling. Feeling sorry for yourself never got anyone anywhere, except maybe for Gary Busey. And Paula Abdul. And Eeyore. Hmm, maybe there is something to this. Nonetheless, as someone who is the Treasurer of the Every Unavailable Woman in the World Committee, I can assure you that there are plenty of single women. About 100 million unmarried, according to the US Census Bureau. You just can't tell because it's negative-4 outside and women don't wear rings on the small sliver of face still visible under all those hats and coats.
Being single during the holidays can be pretty sucktacular, which is why, in addition to inventing Santa Claus and his weird little sweatshop of big-eared midgets, God also invented eggnog, TiVo and dating columnists. All of these magical things will help you knock that loneliness into a semi-unconscious state. Since I've pretty much already answered your question here and here, I won't continue to bore you with my sage advice. Instead, here are some haikus.
Who needs a date when
free internet porn exists?
Merry XX-mas!
Miracles happen
when you least expect them. So
pass me a Coors, bro.
Thanks Uncle Don, but
one more shot and I'll miss what's
next on "Law & Order."
Not even Macy's
window displays will cheer me.
Thank God for Facebook.
Used to feel sorry,
then I met Gary Busey.
God, I respect him.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!

'Tis the Season to Pine

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 12:00:00 CST

Two and a half years ago I met an amazing guy at our staff Christmas party. The chemistry between us was so electric it surprised me. We began to email each other flirtatiously and regularly, but there was a catch: I had a long-term boyfriend whose visa I depended upon. So I avoided every opportunity to take it further, telling myself I was being loyal, but secretly longing to start something with him. I also suffered from an inferiority complex, thinking my new interest would shun me once he got to know me better. In a dramatic turn of events our employer is in liquidation, so it looks as though we may lose touch. We have already lost contact as I ignored his calls for me to break up with the ex, waiting until this year by which time my love interest had settled into a relationship. I want to let him know that if he becomes single, he should call me as I really like him, and regret not seizing the opportunity to be with him. How can I possibly bring this up with him now when he has moved on?
~Worship Him, but Can't Let Him Know
Ah, a regret question! Just in time for Christmas. This is the time of year when we often reflect on our lives and terrible past decisions. "I wish I hadn't drunk 12 hot toddies and sculpted my pubic hair into the Harry Potter lightning bolt!" "Why am I in love with the technician from Tancun?" "Was Stu my true love or was I justified in dumping him for choosing the Celine Dion comeback tour over me?" These are the questions that we can't help but mull over as we drink mulled wine and hope we don't end up kissing our gay best friend again this New Year's Eve. But just because we lament our past mistakes, Worship Him, does not mean we should act to rectify them.
So in a word, don't. He has moved on and so should you. Two and a half years is a long-ass time to be pining over someone you rejected consistently. Sure, the visa situation does complicate things. But, inferiority complex or no, you can't go making bold romantic declarations to people who are happily committed, unless you a.) want to horribly embarrass yourself or b.) are auditioning for the next movie starring Katherine Heigl.
If you can't bear the thought of not making one last attempt at humiliating yourself, then you can find ways to be in his life that are more peripheral. In other words, you may not work together anymore, but you can still comment on his Facebook status. Unless it says, "Joe is wondering why that crazy girl from work keeps telling him she wants a 'beef injection.'" Invite him to a casual lunch, a group get-together that involves co-workers, or send him a humorous holiday e-card that shows you're thinking about him. If he's receptive to these gestures, great. If not, then you did all you could and it's time to Get a Wonderful Life.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

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Honesty Is Overrated

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:00:00 CST
I've got a unique situation. I'm 35, and never had much dating experience or any sex. Most of my 20's, I spent in bed, barely able to do much of anything. I worked until I couldn't. I just had experimental brain surgery to help me. It's like 10 or 15 years of my life is missing; I even look very young, having not lived much. To everyone on the street, I'm just some random 20-something now. I have no close friends or acquaintances to ask questions, so my question is, how do I go about dating? Should I be upfront and scare everyone off or try the impossible and somehow cover for a while without lying? Would women even be interested in me? Do I admit that I don't know anything?
~Joe
Is this another one of those experimental brain surgery dating questions? Shee-eesh. Who do I look like, Tyra Banks?
I don?t know where all this "honesty" crap comes from. (I'm looking at you, Billy Joel!) It's a date, not the SAT. Imagine if someone you just met said to you: "Hi, I'm Tammy. I'm an Insurance Adjuster who makes $30K a year. I've slept with 9 people and cheated on at least one boyfriend while wasted. I also collect Thundercats figurines. Pass me a Swedish fish?"
You've got a better chance of not freaking someone out if you divulge information about yourself slowly, at a natural pace, otherwise you'll come off like a leper. (I hope you aren't actually a leper, though you were kind of vague about the whole "brain surgery" thing. If so, consider this my apology.) Plus, confessing to strangers amounts to conversational masturbation. And that's just bad form.
Take this to heart, Joe. You don't have to tell anyone anything you're not comfortable with, especially lack of experience, which isn't a flaw. David Hasselhoff tattoo? Flaw. Using the term "feminazi"? Flaw. Listening to Dave Matthews Band post-2002? Flaw. Not dating half the girls in Wrigleyville? Not a flaw. Make sense? This isn't to say you should lie about your life or past experiences, because it's all going to come out eventually, but as you are getting to know someone, play up all your best physical and personality traits, and do your best to minimize your less attractive ones. If you present your situation as not that big of a deal, then it won't be a big deal.
I know plenty of guys who've had tons of dating experience. And you know what? They are still assholes. It's your job to not be like them. Here's how. Show up, be attentive, respectful, confident. Be interested in what they are saying.
Remember, this isn't brain surgery; it's drinks. Or bowling. Or Wrigleyville orgies. What?

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

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Clip of the Week

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 12:00:00 CST

I recently began dating a woman who is 12 years younger than myself. We have been doing everything except intercourse. We have very good sexual chemistry. Eighteen years ago I had a vasectomy. She knows that. And yet, she is concerned that she may become pregnant. Through the years I have had relationships with more age appropriate women with no concern of conceiving. Never a thought until now. This subject has become rather frustrating for us both. She wants me to visit my urologist to make sure and she wants to have some sort of a birth control shot.
All this concern seems a bit too obsessive. What are the odds after 18 years of my vasectomy not working? Is this shot she wants to get to be sure worth the time and expense? I was in two long-term relationships prior to this one. No babies and we didn't give it a second thought. We enjoyed the freedom of not using condoms. I'd like that feeling back with this gal but she?s freaking me out.
~Scott
Calm down Scott, you're raising my sperm count. And nobody wants that, least of all my girlfriend. Vasectomies have a batting average of 99.85 percent effectiveness for birth control, meaning it's about as good as it gets, unless we count abstinence, which we won't because we are not Miley Cyrus and/or the Bush administration. The chance of pregnancy after vasectomy is reduced even more as time goes on, with an average of 1 to 2 women out of 1,000 becoming pregnant after the first year. On a very rare occasion, the vas deferens (the tubes that chauffeur sperm from the testicles to the urethra) can spontaneously reconnect, allowing sperm to schmooze with the semen again. This is called recanalization and will probably be the name of the next Red Hot Chili Peppers album. But the likelihood of recanalization occurring is about as good as the Icky Twins finding televised true love.
If your girl is unconvinced, and it certainly seems that way, you can put her mind at ease and have a semen sample test. If it shows a zero sperm count, then you don't need to use any other birth control. It's certainly less costly than her getting the shot (Depo-Provera), which will put her back about $50 depending on if her insurance pays for it (it's less likely to be covered than the pill) and subsequent check-ups. Also, the shot only lasts three months, so she would have to get re-shot quarterly. Is your girlfriend's behavior a bit obsessive? Perhaps, but a woman's uterus is prime real estate (just ask the pro-lifers) and if she wants to protect her ass-ets, then she's free to do so. Just make sure not to explain that to her using a terrible real-estate metaphor.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

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Operation One-Night Stand

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 12:00:00 CST
Hi Anna! This is the first time I've gone online to ask for this sort of advice. Help: I fell in love with a toxic control-freak exactly one year ago. It ended 20 days ago. Even though I know he was toxic and controlling, it was the best sex of my life, ever. I don't miss him as much as the passion. I'm Italian and extraordinarily passionate. I don't want to find cheap and boring sex. I need something real, real good, to make me get him out of my head.
Where should I go to maybe find such a man? Even one hot night would rid me of this thing. White, black, hispanic, doesn't matter.......Help!!!!!
~Detox
Dear Detox,
Before I give my ethnically diverse man-Rolodex (or Rolopecs, as I call it) a spin, let me first congratulate you on getting out of a toxic relationship. It's not easy, especially when the sex is good, so I salute you from the cowardly safety of my computer. Kudos!
Now then. Some sad facts. Cheap and/or boring sex is often par for the course with one-night stands. It's also the easiest sex to access when you're newly out of a relationship and on the prowl. As fun as one-night stands can be, we can't expect a perfect stranger and a bottle of tequila to lead to sexual bliss every time, unless you are Ricky Martin (Mi vida es loca without you, Ricky!). That said, however, I'm sure there are plenty of strangers who are ready and willing to give your hot Italian self the rebound sex you deserve. If you decide to go that route, post a Craigslist ad with a provocative photo and within an hour, you'll probably have 50 emails from dudes who would "love to get to know you better." If nothing else, it's a great ego booster.
For higher-grade booty, start with people you already know: exes that you are still cordial with, friends you sing karaoke duets with but haven't pursued because you were taken, single coworkers, the hot grocery-bagger at Jewel who always teases you about your purchases. "Whipped cream, pinking shears and seven cans of corn. Big night?"
House parties are better than bars if you're looking for a slightly more meaningful connection, even if it's a friend of a friend's house, because you'll already have something or someone in common. It's easier to talk at parties than in bars as well, since you don't have to compete with the remixed Cascada blaring from the sound system. If you do go to a bar, go on a Sunday or Monday. Why? That glorious invention known as football. Even if the Bears don't score, odds are that you will because men outnumber women heavily on sports nights, and because endorphins are running amok. What better way to celebrate that winning touchdown than with some touching down there? Check out Centerstage's long list of sports bars for an idea of where to go.
Now go forth, my child, and get thee some ass. But do not go gentle into that good one-night stand.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!

Relationship Re-runs

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 12:00:00 CST
I got pregnant 14 years ago and the relationship fell apart. The man disappeared before the child was born, after his phone was disconnected and he was evicted. I went on to marry someone else who has raised the child as his own. Unfortunately, my husband ended up being abusive.
About two years ago the biological father turned back up and was also going through the end of a bad marriage. We became friends. Now we are both divorced. We both have children from our marriages and my first child has never met the biological father.
However, the biological father and I have developed feelings for each other. We talk often and have had dinner a few times to catch-up and to discuss the child we conceived together and how the relationship ended.
My ex-husband would go through the roof if I dated the biological father. I don't know how the two of us dating, or developing a relationship, would affect the kids. I don't know how I would ever explain it to anyone. Plus, we live in different states. He sees the situation as hopeless and I think he may be right. I don't know what I should do at this point. Any ideas?
~Who's Yo Daddy?
Dear Who's Yo Daddy,
I've always been of the mind that relationships end for a reason and that pursuing re-runs is generally pointless, like trying to remember the names of the Pussycat Dolls when they change every six minutes. But 12 years is a lot of time for someone to grow up. You're both older, hopefully wiser and have lived through two bad divorces. A few red flags: he left you while you were pregnant with his kid. You both have divorce baggage. And he left you when you were pregnant with his kid! Going back to Baby Daddy #1 after a traumatic divorce from Baby Daddy #2 (when you're vulnerable and craving affection and stability) is not the best idea. Top that off with the long-distance factor and the fact that you both have kids that you can't easily transport across state lines whenever you want, and that makes this scenario even more red flag-tastic. Is he at least in a neighboring state?
And what does your abusive, asshole ex-husband's opinion have to do with this? I would sincerely hope you aren't involving him in your love life or even your like life anymore. If he threatens to harm you or your kids in any way, don't hesitate to get a restraining order on his ass.
Unless you currently live in a small village where the only available menfolk have large Flowbee collections or look like John Madden, I'd suggest you keep looking. I know it's easy to want to go back to what is familiar, but you've been through a veritable shit circus already, and you need a fresh start. This is not to say you should cut out Baby Daddy #1 from your life. Just don't get swept up in romantic notions of your past lover returning to give you everything you ever wanted. That's only happened once, and it was called "The Notebook."

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!

Gone Shootin'

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:00:00 CST

DO "T" SHOTS HELP AN OLD MAN'S LIBIDo?
~sam
Another sam! I love it. It's as if this question were pumped full of testosterone until that last somber letter, when you quietly, yet bravely, admitted defeat. Fear not, sam, for I will address this question with the force of a dozen Mr. Universe contestants all lifting VW Bugs over their heads at the same time.
Low testosterone is a common problem in men over 40. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration estimates that four to five million American men suffer from low testosterone, but only about five percent receive treatment. The average male loses one percent of his testosterone per year.
Some of the symptoms of low testosterone (also called andropause) include: lack of energy, depression, decreased work and sports performance, falling asleep after dinner, muscle loss, weak erections, low libido and listening to Suze Orman on tape. But just as a cat shouldn't lick its own ass just because it can, this doesn't mean you should go shooting up whenever you feel like it. National Institutes of Health studies have found that the safety of testosterone injections (which also come in patch or cream form) is inconclusive. So while you may feel happier, healthier and more virile with T supplements, you might later die of prostate cancer. But you very well might die from a number of other things as well, depending on how often you try to compensate for your low testosterone by hunting sharks with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Another study by the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that men with too much testosterone were more likely to drink, smoke, fight and injure themselves, possibly while drinking, smoking and fighting. There are, of course, natural ways to boost one's testosterone and they include the tiresome prescription of moderate exercise, protein, healthy fats and green, leafy vegetables. But who has time for such things when happiness is just a rubber-strap away? The balls are in your court, sam.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!

Where's the Beef?

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 12:00:00 CST
im a single black male looking for places in chicago that will offer me the best chance to hook up any advice?
sam
Dear sam,
Many people would tell you that the bars around the Rush and Division area were created solely for hooking up with tourists and girls fresh out of their Prada booties. Because why else would places like She-nannigans, The Original Mother's and BAR Chicago exist otherwise? It's not for the cliched specialty martinis and date-rape aesthetic. But I refuse to lead you astray sam, because I find your brevity and refusal to punctuate to be like a great river of truth rushing over me and because I TOO am tired of picking people up at Trader Joe's.
First, a caveat. If you have good presentation, confidence and hygiene that in no way resembles fermented soy beans or Pete Doherty, then you should be able to meet women regardless of where you go, not just at truck stops and Daughters of the American Revolution brunches.
That said, most 4 a.m. bars are prime for hook-ups. Why? Because people out that late have typically been drinking all night and are much more likely to say yes (or more accurately, "yerssh") to random booty than they would be if they'd just stopped in for a pint on their way home from work. Check out Centerstage's list of 4 a.m. bars for more suggestions in your area.
Remember that hook ups are a numbers game: The more people that are out and available, the more chances you have of bedding someone. Go to places that are crowded and 'hoods that have multiple bars within a mile radius that you can stumble into with ease. For instance, you'd meet a lot more people at a Wrigleyville bar post-Cubs game than you would at a Tori Spelling book signing.
Don't forget the old standby: the internet. Sure, Craigslist might not always be your first choice for premium booty, but there are ALWAYS people looking for sex, often at all hours of the night. And if you had any doubts that Google isn't the best remedy for your sex life, a recently added mash-ups feature called Hook-Up Maps, which combines Google Maps with Craigslist casual encounters listings, lets you know exactly how many and what kind of potential hook-ups are going on in your 'hood at any given time.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

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Crash Test Dating

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:00:00 CST

Dear Carnal Consultant,
I was in an accident recently and the guy that ran into me ended up asking me out the same night. It took us 3 days and 2 dates to have sex, and for the past month we've been together all the time. But this is the problem. I have to have sex on his time when he wants me to come over. I am getting the idea that I have become a booty call. I crossed the line already, so how do I start over with him? He is a great guy to hang out with.
~Accident Prone
Dear Accident Prone,
Huh. I was in an accident too, recently. And all I got was this lousy hospital bill, a totaled bike and a Hannah Montana lunchbox. Yours is the better story. And it also has a fairly simple solution. Don't have sex with him solely on his terms. You didn't cross any lines, unless of course you were only sleeping with him to avoid being at fault in the accident.
Short of inventing a time machine or undergoing vaginal rejuvenation, there is little one can do to start over in a relationship. Oh wait! There is ? date someone else. If he really is a "great guy to hang out with" then he'll respect you more if you respect yourself, i.e. not be a Rent-A-Vagina at his beck and call. Assert yourself the next time he's driving at another turn in the sack. If he blows you off or makes lame excuses, then can him. By making yourself available all the time for him, without expecting him to reciprocate, then you're basically saying it's okay for him to treat you like a doormat. And that's not okay.
Don't make the mistake of trying to trade sex for a relationship, because that never works. (Trading collector's edition Pound Puppies, that's another story. Those things are priceless! Plus, they appreciate in value over time, unlike cunnilingus.) The moral of the story is that if this guy will only have sex with you when it's convenient for him, then he's using you. And you deserve more than a wham, 2 dates, thank you ma'am. You're not just a booty call. You're bootyfull.
Speaking of bootyfull things, don't forget to vote on Tuesday, November 4!

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!

Sticky Situation

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 12:00:00 CST
Hello! Short and sweet, we are both 40, dating. He's been a bachelor for a long time. I have been married with five kids (who are older now). My man is laid-back, very successful in his job, smart, but quiet and almost a little "feminine" if you will. He doesn't kiss me or touch me, sex is "stick it in" because he says its too much work to do anything else. I do know he loves me and this attitude is much like his personality, just laid-back and let things happen. He does look at a lot of porn, nasty forwards on his phone, e-mail etc. and these do turn him on, however I don't seem to hold much appeal. I'm pretty and in good shape and get hit on a lot, so I know it's not me. Any suggestions to get him to want me more sexually? I'm not aggressive and I think that is what he wants, but he has pushed me away and I'm afraid of my feelings being hurt, again.
Tanya
Dear Tanya,
I know many laid-back people ? my brother, the Dalai Lama ? but never are the attributes that make them laid-back characterized by an unwillingness to touch people or the idea that good sex is to f*ck like an ATM machine.
Instead of focusing your efforts (and the blame) on making YOU more sexually attractive to him, I suggest you put your energy toward finding a partner who acknowledges and respects your sexual needs. In order for sexual relationships to work, both parties have to be invested in each other's pleasure, which includes putting value in your wants and desires, even if they aren't perfectly in sync with his notions of what sex should be like. If he's looking for a partner to be happy with the ol' "stick it in" routine (also called The Larry King), then direct him to the nearest vacuum cleaner hose or Container Store.
Not to bad-mouth bachelors (because would we want our children to grow up in a world without "Rock of Love"?), but there may be a reason why your beau has lived a mostly solitary life, and it's not supernumerary nipples. I might cut him some slack if he were, oh say, 15 and just learning the ins and outs of the in-and-out. But to be in your 40s and have the emotional maturity of a pipe cleaner? That's just sad. And you deserve better than that.
If you want to be more aggressive, sexually or otherwise, then start by being straightforward about your desires. If watching porn turns you on too, try watching it together. Aggressive women are hot because they know what they want and they're not afraid to ask for it. You don?t have to don a vinyl teddy harness and stilettos to be seen as in charge. If he's not receptive or refuses to budge, then tell him exactly where he can stick it.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!

Sex Life After Death

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:00:00 CST
Anna,
I met a very nice woman in a business setting and though we didn't have a long time to get to know each other, there was definitely an attraction there. I knew I would see her again on a follow up visit to her business and planned to ask her out for coffee or drinks or something, but in the meantime, I learned her husband just died about 6 months ago.
I don't know what's appropriate here. Would it be too soon to ask her out?
~Anonymous
Six months is not a long time. It takes me that long to clean my shower, which is a much less emotionally charged activity (most of the time). Widows and widowers are just like anyone else ? they want loving relationships, to connect with others and someone to help them carry heavy furniture from IKEA. But there's no real way to tell if someone is ready to date, whether it be after the death of a spouse or a mild case of food poisoning, until their MySpace profile says "single."
That said, there's no harm in getting to know someone recently widowed over coffee or drinks. If, in the course of said beverage, you continue to get verbal and non-verbal clues that she would like to pursue something more "friendly," then you can gauge from there how to proceed. Do NOT bring up her dead husband, unless she specifically mentions him first. Death of a loved one falls into the category of unacceptable first-date topics, along with bowel movements and back-hair removal regimens. Keep your conversation casual and let her take the lead. If she's uncomfortable, then she'll tell you. But at the same time, don't treat her like a leper. As my seven-year-old niece often says, "Sometimes in order to get over someone, you need to get UNDER someone."
Widows and widowers are just as likely to be on online-dating websites; there are even some specifically for those in bereavement, like WidowsOrWidowers.com. It could be that she's really in need of the kind of healing championed by Marvin Gaye. Then again, she may just need the kind championed by Haagen Dazs. You can't know until you try.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!

Long Schlong Gone Wrong?

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 12:00:00 CST

Yo Anna,
So I've been dating this guy who had a very long penis. And can I say hell yeah, the sex is amazing? Ok, good--because it totally is. So I like it deep, like any fairly cavernous girl would, and I can feel his penis bump my cervix. While at first it kind of hurts, after a minute or so, it's fine.
So my question is, when are you, me and your hot girlfriend going to have a threesome?
J/K, like, for serious (oxymoron?)! No actually, my question is should I be cautious about a penis thrusting repeatedly against my cervix? Cuz as much as I really like it, I wouldn't want to get a dent. I mean, I just spent a fortune on detailing and a new paint job.
~Cervically Curious
Dear Cervically Curious,
While having sex with me and my hot girlfriend is the obvious solution to your problem (how's Thursday?), I'm going to dig a little deeper to help out any other readers who may not have access to our bed.
I was watching "Pet Star" on Animal Planet (which is my main resource for cervix-related conundrums) the other day and I learned that Mario Lopez once played a space captain at Disneyland who informed guests of the adventure to come while they waited in line for Space Mountain. My point is if someone like Mario Lopez can be chosen as People's Hottest Bachelor, then you can accomplish anything, including as much deep-dicking as you like. But! First you must know these things. I've titled them based on Britney Spears songs because I want you to remember them easier and because you are clearly a masochist.
"Gimme More": The average unaroused vaginal canal is about 3 to 4 inches deep, which is not even big enough to accommodate an iPhone, so don't bother.
"(I Got That) Boom Boom": Arousal is key. When one is aroused, the vagina elongates and the cervix lifts up and moves out of the way, making it possible to house most penises, toys and narcotics.
"Hit Me Baby One More Time": While the cervix has no nerve endings, it is sensitive to pressure. The important thing to remember is that good pain (the kind you feel after a workout) is fine and bad pain (walking into a plate-glass window) is not. If the pain you feel during sex is sharp, or if it causes bleeding or tearing, that's bad. Natch.
"Toxic": When servicing the cervix, stay off the sauce; booze and drugs numb your pain receptors, which might make it harder for you to differentiate good pain from bad.
"Oops, I Did It Again!": If your fizucking is causing Vaginitis or UTIs, then you might want to change positions to make penetration shallower, i.e. stop knocking on heaven's door. The vag canal is most sensitive near the opening, so even toll booth-size pussies should still find shallow thrusting pleasurable.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!

Man Being Manipulated

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 12:00:00 CST
Dear Consultant,
Here's the story, I met this female at a bar because I knew her friend. I got her number, we went to dinner later that weekend. We went back to her place and started furiously making out, during which I was informed that I would not get laid even on the third date unless we were in a relationship. I mentioned something like I might not mind dating her, and she said something like she hoped I'd say something like that. So at some point later I asked her "Are you gonna be my girl?" and she answered with yes.
2nd date, (the following week) I cook her dinner at her place. We end up having the sex. Then she loses her phone for a week but I don't know and she is not returning my calls and I send her some text messages including 'you're done' and then a conciliatory one apologizing. When I found out she had lost her phone I drove to her apartment and met up with her after work to make sure she hadn't found it yet and then told her to ignore some irate text messages. We hung out for a tiny bit and then made plans the next day. Basically I try and get the sex again and am informed that she doesn't normally have sex that soon with somebody she's not in a relationship with and that I got lucky or some shit like that. I'm like whoa so we're not in a relationship? And she is kind of like I don't even really know you (legitimate but hurtful thing to say) bla bla bla she is dating someone else too and well I got up and left her bed and haven't talked to her since.
Problem is I like this girl as a person. Wtf should I do now?
~Anonymous
Dear Dawson,
Let me get this straight ? you met a girl and on the first date she starts giving you ultimatums (call me Girlfriend or face eternal chastity!), then she "loses" her phone (um, hi, I'm the internet. Have we met?), then she goes back on her admittedly strange sex-agreement and claims you just got lucky, then she claims she's dating someone else and that she doesn't even know you.
Maybe she's suffering from soap-opera amnesia, the kind that usually involves smarmy doctors who accidentally switch twins at birth and give the "good" twin reconstructive facial surgery and a boob job, thus rendering her unrecognizable to her real parents and her true love who is also actually her twin brother AND the son of the evil doctor in question! Or, more likely, this girl is manipulative and you shouldn't waste your time. If she can't bother to send you an email saying she lost her phone, then she's not only manipulative, she's lazy. But Anna, she didn't have my email, you might say. To which I would laugh heartily but not in a way that would belittle you and reply: In this age of constant communication and social networking, I'm sure she could've found you and let you know she lost her phone. Or she could've asked the friend that introduced you. But that's a small offense on her list of many that she's committed in the very short time you've known her.
You like this girl "as a person," as opposed to the fire hydrants and American Apparel posters you're also dating, which I respect. But you deserve to be with someone who doesn't ignore you to the point that you send irate text messages or make you feel this angsty. If you want to give her one more chance to act like an adult, then let her make the first move and apologize. If not, then forget about her and move on. There are much more important things to be worrying about - the failing economy, the thousands of Illinois troops being deployed to Afghanistan and whether Britney Spears' sex tape REALLY exists.

Anna Pulley, our Carnal Consultant, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.

Check out Centerstage Chicago food and drink deals!