Central Perk Central

Friends Project

2009-08-02T13:41:00.001-06:00

Originally Posted 3-23-08

During the 1990s, I distinctly remembered that the '80s were a constant source of derision. While I have a certain fondness for that decade, since it was the decade of my childhood, I understand that the '80s are ripe for the pickin’ when it comes to that sort of thing. At the time, I had figured that this is the sort of thing that happens. It didn’t matter what decade it was, everyone would make fun of the decades that preceded it. I was looking forward to making fun of the '90s. While wearing the same flannel day in and day out seemed like a good idea, the Gin Blossoms never made sense to me. I was looking forward to a time when I was able to make fun of Alison Road.

Here it is, 2008. By my calculations, in less than five years, we should be making fun of the '00s, however we’ve still yet to rip into the '90s as much as we could have. I mean think about Vanilla Ice, the Backstreet Boys, and everything in between. No one wants to get in on this? Fine, suit yourself.

For reasons that escape me, I recently got a hankering to see some episodes of Friends again. Now Friends is one of those shows that is always on TV. However, I don't actually watch TV that much anymore. Any television entertainment comes through Netflix or sites that allow me to see whole episodes with minimal commercial interruption. But if I'm going to watch the show, how do I choose where to start? Do I start randomly? Should I start at the very beginning, and just put the whole series on my queue to watch whenever I choose?

In a moment of impulse, I decide that I should, actually, do just that. I should have every episode of Friends delivered to my house.

This would be my secret, only to be shared with the people at Netflix.

Except that day I made the addition, I told my friends. “Okay, so I added something to my queue. It’s a total guilty pleasure. It’s a shit-com, but you know what? It’s a good shit-com!”

As it is with Netflix queues, it took a couple of weeks for Season one, disc one to get to the top of the disc to get to the top of my list.

Finally, I got the first disc. That’s when it hit me that I should probably get this down. I should keep some sort of journal of this. I’m embarking on a journey of six friends that apparently did something and something or other.

Look, I’ll be honest, I enjoy the show as a guilt pleasure. I’m hardly a fanatic. I know that in the last episode, “she gets off the plane.” I’m aware of most of the things that happen in between.

I know that Friends was heavily influenced by popular culture of the time and vice versa—unlike, say, Seinfeld, which I’d say that was more of a one-way road.

So, this is my pet project for now.

I'm not out to change the world or to have Friends viewed as something it's never been thought of before. I'm not sure what it is. It's just something I'm doing.

Join me.
Or don't, I don't care.

UPDATE: 8-1-09

Blogs are traditionally posted in reverse chronological order. I figured since this has a beginning and an end, it wouldn't make sense to read about the series backwards, so I figured Blogger had a way to have the posts go in reverse-reverse order—aka, in order—but when I completed everything, I came to find out there isn't a way to do that. If I wanted to do that, I'd have to change the post date in all of the entries, so that it appears that I wrote the first post most recently.

So that's what I did, because I'm ridiculously anal-retentive. I assure you, I didn't bang out this entire thing in one day, publishing a post once every 29 minutes. (Why 29 minutes? Again, because I'm ridiculously anal-retentive.)

Don't think about how confusing it is to find newer posts when you click on 'Older Posts.' I know it's a little nutty. Just go with it.

Under the Purple New York Sky

2009-08-01T23:53:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 3-26-08

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

I once said that to someone for some reason, and he replied, "Great movie."
Now, I didn't exactly know where I got that quote from, but it wasn't from a movie. For all I knew, it could have been something referencing a movie. What do I know...ever...I mean really. So, I said, "Huh?"
"Kung-Fu," he said.
"Oh, right," I pretended, and the conversation ended.

I couldn't tell you who the other person was in this conversation. I'm 99.992836747362% sure it's someone I haven't spoken to in a few years.

I never looked into the origin of this quote, because I never really cared enough to devote any time to it. For some reason, I thought the quote would be a good way to start this thing, but that previously mentioned exchange is forever ingrained into my psyche whenever that quote comes up, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Since I was thinking about this, I thought it would be a good idea maybe look into it once and for all. I have to be honest, once I started looking into it, I stopped caring, like, right away. IMDb says it's not from Kung-Fu, and Google says it originally came from Lao Tzu. Normally, I like to get at least two references for something like this, but like I said, I really lost interest right away.

There still are two Kung-Fu connections, however—and that's just off the top of my head.

For starters, Jennifer Aniston's character in Office Space admits to loving Kung-Fu.

Also, Kung-Fu starred a white guy playing an Asian. Another case of a white person playing an Asian was Marlo Thomas in an episode of Bonanza. Marlo Thomas played the mother of Rachel Green.

Look at that! See, this is fun!

Okay, down to business.

The main menu is actually pretty creepy, more so when animated. It's the New York skyline, and there's nothing wrong with that. When animated, the ominous purple clouds move much quicker than clouds move naturally, even when clouds are moving fast before a storm. It's enough to make me think that this shot takes place about two minutes before the apocalypse. Add to that the chipper theme sans vocals. It wouldn't surprise me that if the end of days were to descend on Earth, the music of the Rembrants would play heavily somewhere in there.

The Pilot isn't very good. Maybe that's unfair, because there needs to be an establishment of backstory, but the timing is off. It's different than the rest of the series.

The overall feel is a bit different than the rest of the series. Boyfriends and girlfriends are acquired with no mention of them in later episodes, or they're suddenly there without any previous mention. Maybe that's just them figuring the show out.

Monica has some interesting series firsts. She's the first character named in an episode—in the pilot. Her character has the first line. She is also the first character to sleep with someone; although Joey goes on a date, we assume—because it's Joey—that he sleeps with that date, we don't actually see the date. But we see Monica's date.

I wouldn't normally post a picture of "this momentous character that has a few lines." However, I wanted to share Monica's outfit. Yeah, what's going on there?

Other egregious fashion miscalculations include Chandler's...well, I wouldn't know how to describe this:

I find it extremely difficult to acknowledge that this short sleeve/vest/tie combination was ever fashionable, little yet in my lifetime, or even within the past 15 years.

Other things to note in this picture:

Yes, that is Gunther in the background. While he seems to have been present for a lot, if not all, of the scenes that take place in Central Perk—dutifully serving patrons—he is still yet to have a line.

Also, check out the length of the antenna on that cordless phone. That's one of those things that I'm going to have to explain to my kids. "No, they weren't cell phones, it was for your land line...but that was before anyone ever used the word 'land line', because this was at a time when only the unnecessarily wealthy had cell phones."

Chandler's fashion misstep is nothing in comparison to:

Joey's hair in the Pilot upsets me. Also, his belt buckle. That doesn't look like something guys wore. Maybe that's why the '90s aren't made fun of as much as the '80s. '80s fashion consisted of bright colors, acid washed jeans, side pony tails...the sort of thing that visually punched you in the face. Whereas the things I'm pointing out here from the '90s just seem to be bad choices in accessories. Suspenders, vests, and belts. The fashion mistakes of the '90s were way more understated than the fashion mistakes of the '80s.

Hey, remember this trend?

It's a schooner!

I have to come clean, but I was in the small percentage of people who were never able to see anything with these Magic Eye things. Luckily 1997 came around, people forgot about Magic Eye and it was no longer an issue.

Remember the old Snapple Iced Tea bottles? Possibly not. Snapple was a staple in our house in the early '90s, so I'm quite familiar with these bottles. Back when Snapple was a Long Island cottage industry before being bought out by Quaker Oats, which was later bought out by Pepsi, the Snapple Iced Tea bottle labels had a depiction of the Boston Tea Party.

Later, I heard some rumor that they changed it because "it was really a depiction of a slave ship." Also, people supposedly believed that the K that was circled with the word "PAREVE" next to it was some sort of acknowledgement to the KKK, and not something saying that the stuff was Kosher. I have no idea if this was actually what people thought, or if this was something that people were saying people believe.

Another race issue...I seem to remember a big hullabaloo because "There were never any black people on Friends." I remember hearing this while the show was in its later years. Yeah, well not true:

Here's Monica getting advice from a co-worker about another boyfriend who has since disappeared.
Unless the issue was that there weren't any reoccurring black characters.
If that's the case, then I have yet to see that.

Here's some weird product placement...

I'll be honest with you. I'm about as mad about saffron as anyone's ever going to be; meaning I loves me the Mello Yello. This coffee table seems to be fitted with, count 'em, FOUR cans of Mello Yello. Where one could find Mello Yello in New York is far beyond me, since I had any direct contact with the product until a trip to Nashville, TN in 1999.

Seriously, I really freakin' love the Mello Yello.
Sun Drop is also another citrus soda I love. Yet the only citrus soda readily available that's worth anything is Mountain Dew, but I'm afraid to be seen drinking it.

Chandler's seen here smoking in a coffee shop. The idea that people were legally allowed to smoke in a coffeehouse blows my mind, but it shouldn't. This was still legal in New York, and probably the rest of the United States at this time.

Also...Merrill Markoe apparently works with Ross at the museum. Sadly, according to IMDb, this will be the last time we see her in this series.

I feel like I'm the only person my age who knows who Merrill Markoe is, which is a shame. David Letterman's "Stupid Pet Tricks" were her idea.

NBC Cheap Tie-in Fest '94

2009-08-01T23:24:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 3-29-08

New Yorkers remember the big blackouts throughout history. November 9, 1965, which my mom tells me was pretty fun. It was her mother’s birthday, so a party had been planned. People partied in the dark
There was the one in 1976, the same summer of the Son of Sam. That’s all I know about that one.
There was the one in 2003. For, like, two seconds, everyone thought it was terrorists, forgetting that the northeast occasionally gets hit with things like this. I was in Philadelphia that summer, which was unaffected. Strangely enough, about half of the city had lost power earlier that week.
I remember hearing that the cause was some grid thing in Ontario, and then they learned that it was actually started in Ohio. The next week, I played Blame Canada on the radio show I had at the time, forgetting that the word “fuck” was in it. Oops.
There was also a blackout on November 3, 1994.

This started when Paul Buchman decided to steal cable while keeping it from his wife, Jamie. When Jamie threatens to call the cable company to complain about less than stellar reception, Paul and Cousin Ira go to the roof to try to fix it, accidentally cutting off cable to the rest of the building. An attempt to fix this leads to NBC’s entire Thursday night Must See TV lineup to suffer a blackout—except for Seinfeld, who I imagined didn’t want to have to write an episode around the premise of a blackout. Instead, George ate an éclair out of the trash, Kramer had kidney stones, Jerry dated a Romanian gymnast, and Elaine tried to wrestle her boss, Mr. Pitt, from a—wait for it—Magic Eye poster.

NBC did something similar to this in 1991, when the Saturday night shows based in Miami—Golden Girls, Empty Nest, and Nurses—got hit with a hurricane.

Onto another topic, I have trouble with Chandler’s shirts.

What, exactly, is going on with this shirt? It’s plaid, for a 9-12” strip down the front, but the rest of the front is black…but the rest of the shirt is gray. This, unfortunately, was a continuing theme.

Yeah. But then there’s:

I have never seen a dress shirt with such large pockets. I suppose that would come in handy. Maybe he was nursing joey twins. If that were the case, you’d wonder what biological purpose the '70s tie serves.

However, Chandler’s co-worker, appears twice, and both times is wearing something atrocious.

I was hoping she would appear again to fulfill that comedic rule of threes. This character showed up to work like this!

What is interesting about this episode is that this ill-wardrobed character tries to set Chandler up with a guy. Chandler explains that he’s not gay, but freaks out about it because that’s what he does. Later we see the would-be set up guy. This guy explains that he knows that Chandler isn’t gay because he has “a sort of radar for that sort of thing.” Technically, I shouldn’t have put that in quotes…but that was the gist. What I find interesting was that this may have predated the phrase “gaydar.” I know it was used in the coming out episode of Ellen, which was 1997. I would think that the writers of Friends would have used it if it had been out there somewhere—maybe even coin the phrase. But no. “Radar for that sort of thing,” is what they went with.

Rachel, on the other hand, should be put in higher regard. This, considering that she spawned an actual haircut—“The Rachel”—which I’m trying to think of another TV character to do so. I mean there was a Farrah, or a Mary Tyler Moore, but those were the actual actresses. It wasn’t called the Jennifer Aniston, it was “The Rachel”. There was never “The Winnie Cooper” or “The Corky Sherwood.” That’s what makes the above outfit all that much harder a pill to swallow.

Okay, enough picking on fashion. Imagine you’re a props master for this show, and the scene calls for Ross to be sitting in Central Perk, reading a magazine. What magazine should it be?

Apparently, the words you’re looking for are Anthropology Weekly, which, according to Wikipedia, never existed. Did someone create this magazine specifically for this reason? If so, why? Only people like me would notice. Have him read some real science magazine.

Thank you Google Maps for being able to kind of recreate this picture.

Well, sort of…

So, if these were real people, you know where you can go to find where they once lived. Although this building doesn't seem to have Monica's balcony, nor does it have Central Perk on the first floor.

If my memory serves, I’d have to say that this is Diet Peach Iced Tea. It’s a little upsetting that people just walk into Monica’s apartment and help themselves to Snapple. I understand it’s Rachel’s place too, but really, Monica’s the one that keeps it stocked.

Guest Star Watch

So, the manager at Central Perk probably seems a bit stressed. On top of having hired a seemingly useless waitress, his home life is also a little hectic, considering the fact that he’s got a teenage daughter, a young son, and an alien living with him.

That’s right, Rachel’s manager is none other than:

Willy Tanner!

While I’m on the subject, has anyone heard the story about Max Wright smoking crack on the set of ALF? This is one of those stories that are supposedly true, but there’s nothing backing it up. It gained some sort of credibility because it was just so unbelievable—kind of like the one that said that Mayim Bialik died of a drug overdose. Why does this happen? The more unbelievable something is, the more believable it becomes. It really defies all traces of logic.

I knew that Hank Azaria played Phoebe’s one-time physicist boyfriend who went off to Minsk. What I realized about David is that his voice is a mix between the nervous Frank Grimes and Professor Frink, Springfield's resident scientist. This makes sense. Both are voiced by Azaria, and David is a nervous scientist. I’d have to say that I’d like to hear David yell, “GLAVIN!” Just because it’s funny when Frink does it.

Crossover Kookiness

2009-08-01T22:55:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 4-4-08

It happens every time. You see a promo for an upcoming episode of a show, and you can tell that there is some sort of gimmick that seems to try harder than other recent gimmicks. You wonder what the deal is, until you realize that it’s actually November, February or May, and that it’s sweeps. You sigh, knowing that it’s going to be a month long period of this crap. I guess if you’re conscious enough about this sort of thing, you flip the calendar to a sweeps month, and you think, “Ugh, here we go.”

This is a luxury that you are not given when you watch a TV show on DVD. You don’t know what the original airdate was. Maybe you can apply some guesswork. Figure out that there have been x number of episodes between the Christmas episode and the one you’re about the watch. You could be happily moving along in the episode, unsuspecting of any would-be shenanigans. Then, Jon Lovitz shows up:

Then you know that after this episode, you’ve got a few more of gimmicky episodes.

This February, Friends packed a parade of gimmicks in one episode, in a two-parter that mixed the introduction of Phoebe’s estranged twin sister with a wacky sitcom crossover.

Lisa Kudrow—who had been playing Ursula, the incompetent waitress at Riff’s, frequented by Paul and Jamie Buchman of Mad About You—played both character in this episode.

Of course, to get the full flavor of a crossover, Jamie Buchman, herself, stops by Central Perk.

But the cavalcade of Thursday night NBC stars ends not there. When Rachel hurts her ankle, two doctors treat her. Apparently, the New York hospitals are so overstaffed that you are able to see two doctors at the same time, even when you come in with a simple injury.

This may not classify as a crossover, per se, since these doctors have different names from the ones that serve that hospital in Chicago. Which is good. They'd have to explain why Dr. Clooney and Dr. Wylie are both serving this hospital in New York.

Melora Hardin’s appearance as Ross’ girlfriend definitely wouldn’t classify as a Must-See TV crossover either, since this episode aired a full decade before she was introduced as Jan Levinson on The Office. It's still an amusing coincidence.

In other news, I have come to realize that Ross’ Snapple drinking is a little bogus. As someone who once drank Snapple, heavily, I know that one usually stuck to one or two flavors.

Lemonade and Raspberry Iced Tea make it the third and fourth flavor I've noticed. I find it hard to believe that he has no preference. Maybe he’s just forced to drink whatever Monica buys, and her Snapple selection runs the gamut. This wouldn’t surprise me, given the way she shops for beer:

She seems to buy two kinds. Expensive-looking foreign beer, and as-generic-as-possible “Beer.”

In an odd moment in Central Perk, Ross gets up, goes behind the counter, and serves himself. It’s not explained why he does, and no one says anything to the extent of, “Sir, you’re not supposed to be here.” I understand, he’s there all of the time, but you don’t do that.

While I was questioning this, I noticed that Ross was wearing a hooded sweatshirt. Noticed I said “hooded sweatshirt,” and not “hoodie.” That’s because in 1995, “hoodies” were called “hooded sweatshirts.” Just two years earlier, Adam Sandler appeared on Saturday Night Live singing Red Hooded Sweatshirt. If he came out with that song ten years later, people would have said, “Who calls it a hooded sweatshirt anymore?” Although if it were ten years earlier, it could have been about a Kangaroo Jacket, so there you go.

Ross is a unicorn! Unicorn Power!

Gunther has still yet to utter a word on camera—nor has he been named yet—but he still gets invited to Phoebe’s birthday party. I admire the show’s extras casting. The fact that they’d even bother casting the same person to work at Central Perk is somewhat impressive. There are other workers, besides him and Rachel, who come and go, but they kept Gunther. It’s kind of neat how that worked out for the actor. He gets an extras gig, that turns into a reoccurring extras gig, which turns into a reoccurring role with lines. Now IMDb says that he has appeared in more episodes than anyone else—besides the six friends, obviously. Some of those are probably uncredited appearances, still though.

I’d like to know why Chandler is a Toronto Blue Jays fan. Don’t get me wrong, he’s allowed to be a Blue Jays fan. There has to be a story why a guy in New York, whose apartment is strewn with items showing support for the Knicks, Rangers, and Giants—less so, the Giants—is enough of a Blue Jays fan to put their cap in his work cubicle. He’s clearly a supporter of New York sports teams and has two baseball teams to choose from. There has got to be a story of why he root, root, roots for the Great White North's team. Interestingly enough, there is a lone Mets hat in his apartment. Maybe we’ll never learn what’s going on there.

This scene takes place at a men's room in a restaurant. What exactly is going on here? Chandler is talking to Joey while he’s peeing. Only Joey appears to be standing on the edge of a stall. It could be argued that he’s standing at a separate urinal, walled off from the rest of the bathroom, but that’s kind of a weak argument. I wasn’t able to get a wide shot of the bathroom, but if I were, you’d be able to see that this is not the case. If it were, that would leave no room for actual stalls. However, if you were to still argue this case, then I would ask you why a urinal would have its own door. Okay, maybe this is a VIP urinal. It gets its own stall with a door, when normally, the most men can hope for is a simple wall of separation. Yeah, well, this isn’t a very practical door, since it appears that the door cannot be closed while it’s being used.

Here’s my guess of how this went down:

“They” were saying that the scene should take place in the men’s room. In the interest of dramaturgy, the scene opens, and both characters need to be kept busy somehow. There’s only so much one could do in the bathroom—Sen. Craig activities excluded. So, one has to be washing his hands, and the other needs to be peeing, since they can’t have them both doing the same activity—in the interest of dramaturgy. However, they can’t show someone standing at a urinal. This is a guess. I’m sure it is, or was, not allowed by the censors. Someone peeing on Prime Time Network TV? Even if he’s got his back to us. Great, our kids will see it and think it’s okay to urinate whenever they’re in the bathroom.

Ya know, I was being sarcastic, but now that I think of it, I probably wouldn’t necessarily want to see it either. Even if he’s got his back to us. Not that I would be offended by it. It's just not something I need to see.

True story. I paused the show to use the bathroom—probably influenced by those wicked, wicked urinating men on TV—and this is where I stopped it. Had to share.

One Down, Nine to Go

2009-08-01T22:26:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 4-13-08

The stars keep coming in.

The original Jeanie Bueller is playing the former best friend of the Jeanie Bueller from the Ferris Bueller's Day Off TV series. An appearance of that magnitude doesn’t really call for a sweeps month episode, so this was an April episode. Not like Jonathan Silverman, who played the doctor who delivers Carol’s baby. (Sorry, the picture’s not available. I took one, but it didn’t save properly, and I didn’t notice it until the disc was sealed and sitting in a lovely blue mailbox, waiting for a nice postperson to pick it up and take it back to its home.)

The interesting thing about Jonathan Silverman’s appearance is that his show, The Single Guy didn’t premiere until the next fall. Did NBC do this on purpose? Like “Hey, remember how we had Jonathan Silverman guest star on a Must-See TV show? How would you like it if he starred in one?” Who the hell knows? I feel like I’ve already invested too much time thinking about the guy who played the guy who spent that weekend with that dead guy…and then another weekend.

The other thing that interests me about this whole Ross fathering a baby that was going to be raised by a lesbian couple thing is that all of this was happening 3 years after the whole Dan Quayle, Murphy Brown thing. Quayle spoke up about Murphy Brown raising a child out of wedlock, and how it shows the decay of family values. You’d think a lesbian couple raising a child would anger morons more than a single woman. Of course, by this time, there was a different Vice President. Instead of worrying about the comings and goings of fictional characters, Al Gore invested his time with things more important, like the environment.

Hot and Hotter

So, we’ve got Jennifer Aniston. Knee high socks, nice. Plaid skirt, nice. And a sweater? Okay, it was 1995. Two out of three, I suppose. By the way, that’s Marla Hooch from A League of Their Own. What a hitter!

Phoebe, looking sultry while playing an old school Game Boy. Yeah, I’m going to have to go with Phoebe and the Game Boy.

I guess since I brought up technology, I’ll share some other finds.

Ross is learning Chinese on a walkman. Remember having a walkman, and then being stuck with the same 90 minutes of music? I have a feeling this concept will completely baffle my future children. It kind of makes think about how crazy it was, and I had several walkmen throughout my formative years.

I never had a beeper, though.

However, there was a period of time when my family had the same exact wireless phone as Monica and Rachel.

I think AT&T made it.

This isn’t a “Hey, look at this antiquated phone” thing—although you can look at it and comment on its comical outdatedness. This is something else. Apparently, Central Perk has a phone that any of its customers can use without asking. It’s there on the counter, and if you get a beep, feel free to grab it and make a call. I question this establishment’s business model. Between hiring Rachel, who isn’t the best waitress in the world, and their communal “Feel free to call anyone on us” phone, it makes me wonder how this place is able to stay open. My guess is that they charge $10 for biscotti the size of your thumb. How else would they be able to afford to keep their furniture clean?

Seriously, Chandler, no shoes on the couch. I understand you had an unconventional upbringing, but I venture to guess that you weren’t raised in a barn. Would you climb all over your furniture? Better yet, would you like it if I came over and climbed all over your furniture?

Once again, I am floored by the way the hospitals in New York are supposedly run. A woman is giving birth, and in there with her is her ex-husband’s sister, her roommate, and their neighbors. Seriously, anyone can just go in and watch this birth? That seems exceptionally unhygienic. Thankfully, when the father and the mother’s life partner, the nurse spoke up and kicked out everyone who hadn’t had sex with the mother in the past year.

It may be months after he was first spotted reading an issue of Anthropology Weekly, but Ross is still on the same issue. It’s a weekly publication. I wonder what was in this issue that makes it so difficult for him to put it down.

Joey and Chandler are missing a spice. I may speak for no one here, but I really want to know what spice is missing. Maybe it’s just on the counter, having just been used. No, still, put it away. If I had that spice rack, I probably wouldn’t be able to handle one spice not being put away. Oddly enough, I’d be able to handle multiple spices not being where they belong. If I were making something where I used two, I’d probably not put them away, and then the next time I used another spice, I wouldn’t put that one away, because that would mean that I’d need to put the other two away. But just one not being put away? I don’t know how anyone could live like that.

Monica’s boyfriend wears a watch during sex. I mean if you’re going to be taking everything off, you might as well take the watch off, too. It’s a lot less awkward than taking off socks before sex, but it looks just as ridiculous to have sex with it on. Plus, that thing can scratch or get caught in hair. Why would you need to know the time? You’re having sex! Besides, Monica probably has a bedside clock if you need to know the time that much.

Despite it being May, the Empire State Building is still lit up with Christmas colors. C’mon, City of New York, get on the ball. You used to change the lights to blue for Sinatra’s birthday—one day. Christmas colors in May? Now, you’re just getting lazy.

I bet they have a spice rack with one spice not put in as well.

Our First Commercial Break

2009-08-01T21:57:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 4-16-08

So, that was the first season. I’m not quite sure what I got myself into here. If this goes like every other thing I do, I’ll eventually get tired of doing this, and I’ll stop. However, I feel like I should finish something in a life. It’s a shane that this is the thing I decide to take a stand on. Besides, the rest of the series is in my Netflix queue. It's not like I can just quit. I’m going to have to go in and delete the remaining discs from my queue. That isn’t a difficult task, but it would be admitting an unwillingness to finish what was once started. That said, I did put a few non-Friends discs in between Season 1 and Season 2. I’m far too lazy to remove nine seasons form my Netflix queue, so I will be back to doing this in a week or so.

So, working under the assumption that I do, in fact, finish this, I came to the realization that this project may, at some point, “Jump the Shark.” It happens that the writing just isn’t fresh and I’ll run out of things to say. In the world of sitcoms, new writers could be brought it or someone could inject an interesting curve to the story, like “suddenly I’m pregnant” or “twin separated at birth.” Being pregnant and/or learning that I have a twin are all very unlikely. It would also have no bearing on this blog. So when I do jump the shark, there will be no gimmick to save me or to push me further down.

Anyway, I’d like to keep this project fresh for the entire run of the series, but I don’t know if I can pull that off. Jumping the shark is a near inevitability. I wonder when I will jump the shark. I wondered if it would jump the shark at around the time when the actual show did. That would be a neat coincidence. So, I went to jumptheshark.com to see when general “People who take part in Internet voting” public believed the show to jump. In an overwhelming lead is “Never,” which is what I’m aiming for with this.

In third place is “Day One,” which I hope isn’t true.

Second is when Monica and Chandler got married. So, if I can keep this going as an interesting thing beyond that, then I’ll feel good.

Anyway, I should be getting my next Friends disc next Monday, so the lunacy shall resume next week.

In the meantime, what better to insert between posts about a TV show? A post about a commercial.

Check out this commercial I found.

It’s a British commercial—or should I say “advert”—for Colgate. The jingle is to the theme of a Madness song Baggy Trousers, and they’re all dressed and dancing like Madness as well. At least I think they dressed like that for one of their videos. If not, that I’m somehow left with the idea that they did.

I’m not sure why this blows my mind as much as it does.

While I like Madness, I never pictured them being so popular—especially with the kids—that they would use their music and style for a children's toothpaste commercial.

I’d have to say, it’s done pretty well. I like the tall kid who does the neck thing whenever he can fit it in. I'm curious as to why they keep doing the walk a good 7 seconds after the music ends

Then I started to consider that maybe they really were insanely popular in Britain, so much that they even appealed to kids so much that attaching their music to a toothpaste commercial would seem like a viable marketing option.

Then I found this.

This seems like it’s an American spin to a British idea. I can tell that that’s what this is because:

1) Usually when we take something from the Brits, our version is far more inferior. The one exception to this is The Office, which can hold a candle to its predecessor.
2) The American Dental Association’s Seal on the lower left-hand corner in the beginning. The other had no such seal. One could make the joke that Britain has no counterpart to the American Dental Association, but that would be a low blow.
3) For what seems to be no real reason, Uncle Sam is there.
4) The voiceover at the end has an American accent.

This commercial blows my mind, but in a way completely opposite to the British version. I cannot figure out what Colgate-Palmolive was thinking when it greenlit this idea.

They’re cashing in on the popularity of Madness, only I don’t think they were nearly as big this side of "the pond." Still, the Madness music is there, being sung in a British accent. The words are different, because they have to make reference to Maximum Fluoride Protection, or “MFP.” This leads me to believe that American consumers are dumber than British ones. The British commercial doesn’t feel the need to make up some term to make it sound like it’s that much better or different than anything else on the shelf.

Really, what the hell is "Maximum Fluoride Protection?" There's no way that's an actual thing that exists.

Since the words aren’t the same, it makes me wonder why they didn’t just take a song that was wildly popular in the U.S., and make stupid lyrics to that.

I'm guessing that "they" already bought the rights to that song and didn't really have the budget for another song. So, they decided to use the same song in the U.S., even though the American version wouldn't really make that much sense.

Sophomore Season

2009-08-01T21:28:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 4-27-08

The summer of 1995 was a crazy, crazy time.

“Did you hear Ben & Jerry’s have a new flavor coming out? Bury Jerry,” becomes a joke when Grateful Dead frontman dies of what doctors call “53 years of being Jerry Garcia.”

Windows 95 debuts, popularizing Minesweeper.

In a stunning display of democracy, people elect blue to be the new M&M color, to replace the deposed tan candy. That election was a crock. It's not as if we were able to vote to keep tan. Tan never announced he was stepping down, nor was he beholden to any term limits. He was thrown out of office. That's called a coup, and Americans not only sat back and watched it happen, they took part in the process. I hope you're happy, c. 1995 America.

The DVD format is formally announced, paving the way for Netflix and this blog.

The Rembrandts enjoy their 15 minutes of fame with the popularity of I’ll Be There For You, the theme from Friends. Then the public decided that they didn’t really need to hear another verse, a repeat of the chorus, a bridge, and a final repeat of the chorus.

While we, in the real world, lived through a months-long summer, the Friends’ summer lasted exactly as much time it takes Rachel to go from the Village, to JFK airport to pick Ross up, and back. This was, theoretically, a matter of hours. One of these hours probably isn’t the same length of time as a regular hour that you or me are used to. While Rachel was gone, her apartment entered a weird time vortex that only Einstein himself could adequately explain.

During this time, Phoebe took it upon herself to give Joey and Chandler haircuts.

Season One ends with no mention of Phoebe about to give haircuts. Usually, getting a haircut is much ado. You’ve been planning on getting it done for a few weeks before you finally get one. There’s mental preparation. I find it hard to believe that this was a strict action of impulse. And Monica would have been present for some of the pre-haircut discussion or at least one of the haircuts, and wouldn’t have offered the odd surprise, “Hey, guys, Phoebe gave you a haircut!” Unless, in this time, she ran off to inexplicably get a new phone.

I’m not saying that we need to know when they get a new phone. What I am saying is that she seems to have gotten it in the few hours when her brother was being picked up from the airport.

And maybe she’s behind the new foosball table in Joey and Chandler’s apartment.

It’s either that, or the Foosball Table Fairy, who I’ve always assumed was fictional, visited them. Maybe that’s how that particular fairy works. Kind of like the Tooth Fairy gives you cold hard cash for teeth, this fairy leaves foosball tables for impulsive haircuts. Well, no, that would make it an Impulsive Haircut Fairy.

The microwave isn’t new. It’s just huge. I don’t remember microwaves being that big. Maybe they got this model for when they nuke a whole turkey.

I don’t understand Central Perk at all. The small sign on the table (lower right hand corner) shows that they go so far as to reserve this area for whenever the any or all of the Friends are there. How do they stay in business?

I don’t like how there’s no continuity with Joey’s job. We know he’s a struggling actor and that he needs to pay the bills. He needs a day job, which was never established. Here he is as a cologne sprayer. Apparently, that’s what he does. Who knew?

And what’s up with Rachel’s skirt cape? Was this ever in style?

Overalls were. I remember. Even overall shorts were in style. Those aren’t just regular shorts. They’re cut-offs. I used to think girls looked cute in overalls, too. Wow, what the hell, right?

Oversized T-shirt, tucked into jeans without a belt. I’m pretty sure I had done that, when I needed to look nice, but not too nice. No belt, though? I’m pretty sure when I did that, I wore one of those braided leather belts. As for the oversized T-shirts, all of my shirts were slightly oversized. I never thought twice about it.

By the way, if you notice, Ross is using the old phone. What the hell is going on in that apartment?

I found the partially obscured poster bearing New York Governor Mario Cuomo’s name interesting. It doesn’t look like it’s a campaign poster. It doesn’t say “Vote for…” Maybe it’s because it was 1995, a year after his last election. The purpose of the poster was to just remind New Yorkers of him, since he was no longer governor at that time. Only some scoundrel covered part of the poster, no people pass it and say, “Who the hell is Mario Cuo?”

I found the window decorations of this music store funny and very 1995. Alanis Morisette, Seal, and behind Joey is Belly. Seems silly to go through the trouble of making that a music store, since they never go into or mention the music store. Unless, of course, it was actually a music store, and not some set, in which case it does make sense. People needed to get the Batman Forever soundtrack somewhere.

“Hey, I was an extra on Friends once.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I had my back to the camera the whole time, but I was sitting behind Monica in a restaurant scene.”
“Oh, you were the guy with the flattop?”
(uncomfortably long pause) “No. I was in another episode.”
“Which one.”
“Can we change the subject?”

Ross, Monica, and Chandler go to a concert. Who did they see? Mind you, it’s 1995.
Yep, Hootie and the Blowfish. They all got tickets to see them for Ross’s birthday, and his reaction wasn't, “Oh, God! Why?!”

Unfortunately, I don’t have the capability (knowledgewise) to capture parts of video, but it seems as if they opened AND closed with I Go Blind, which, I find, was actually a cover. They opened and closed with the same cover? It's not like these guys didn't have another hit. That seems a little sad. I doubt even The Rembrandts wouldn't do something like that.

I don’t like it when shows do this. They have a guest actor, and then the same actor comes back later as another character. Here’s Giovanni Ribisi, not playing Phoebe’s brother (I think. I’m not up to that part yet, but it’s something like that. He may be a half-brother.) I think when Ribisi comes back, someone should say “Hey, you look like that guy who left a condom in Phoebe's guitar case and then came back to get it back. That was a pretty memorable as it was a mildly odd occurance. If you were just some guy we saw on the street, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. But no, you're 'the condom' guy."

Here’s Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders performing Angel in the Morning at Central Perk. I can’t hear that song without drifting into Shaggy’s version.

You’re my angel in the morning, baby.
Closer to my peeps you are to me.

This is a shame, because those lyrics are ridiculous. “Closer to my peeps you are to me?” What the hell does that even mean?

Wait a minute, why is Chrissie Hynde playing at Central Perk?

Oh, crap, we’re in sweeps, aren’t we?

Yep, we’re in sweeps. Here’s Lea Thompson as Caroline Duffy from yet another Thursday night NBC show, Caroline in the City. Strangely enough, no one says her name, so we’re left to assume that it is, in fact, her. Why else would Joey and Chandler run into someone in the street in November unless their show was on Thursday night.

According to IMDb, the night this episode aired, Chandler appeared on her show, and Ross appeared on The Single Guy. I can’t imagine this crap flying now. Liz Lemon would not be visited by a Dunder-Mifflin sales rep from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

This is probably the coolest clock ever. Although, we later learn that on every hour, the hips swivel, and the doll says, "Oh yeah!"

I'm sorry, but you lost me there. That's kind of an overkill.

After Gorging Yourself on Guacamole

2009-08-01T20:59:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 5-4-08

Super Bowls and M*A*S*H finales are good at bringing in the big numbers, viewers-wise. Of course, Super Bowls come every year and the M*A*S*H finale only happened once. That is, unless you count the final episode of AfterMASH, which you shouldn’t.

A lot of times, networks use the time slot immediately following the Super Bowl to push new shows. Shows like Malcolm in the Middle, The Wonder Years, Davis Rules, and The A-Team had all premiered directly after the Super Bowl and gone on to highly successful runs—except for Davis Rules, which kind of disappeared after a few years. That show featured Mary Jo Hupp and Giovanni Ribisi, who we'll see on Friends later.

If a network has no new series that can be deemed post-Super Bowlworthy, then it pushes their strongest show to get people to watch it. I reference the only episode of Grey’s Anatomy that I have ever seen; the first of a two-parter.

In 1996, NBC followed its telecast of Super Bowl XXX with an hourlong episode of Friends. Not just any hourlong episode of Friends, but one that is swimming with major celebrity guest stars.

Julia Roberts, Chris Isaak, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Brooke Shields—all of whom kiss at least a Friend each. In fact, each Friend gets some high-profile action, except for Ross, who is reunited with Marcel.

I don’t know, if I were Ross, I’d rather make out with a celebrity, except the only star who was actually playing a star was Jean-Claude Van Damme. This is because it’s not wise to stretch the acting mettle of Van Damme beyond playing “Jean-Claude Van Damme,” or “guy standing in the small crowd,” which he masterfully played in Breakin’.

If it weren't for Haing. S Ngor (The Killing Fields), Adolph Caesar (A Soldier's Story), Ralph Richardson (Greystroke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes), John Malkovich (Places in the Heart), Pat Morita (The Karate Kid) and a few others, that Oscar nod would have been his.

I should also note that it would be quite the wicked game to refer to Chris Isaak as a “major celebrity star,” but he got the major celebrity star treatment, like the other three in this episode. That is to say that his name was in the credits in the beginning, and he got to get all kissy on Phoebe (in a library, in front of a roomful of children…inappropriate, guys), only for him to disappear without there being a clear established end of the relationship.

In addition to the big stars, are your everyday normal Friends guest stars, like Fred Willard and Dan Castellaneta, playing employees to the zoo where Marcel lived temporarily.

There was also, that kid. You know. The real-life brother of the Sister Sister sisters. Only, this probably wasn’t a “Let’s get him, he’s a star,” deals. It was more like, “We need a kid. Hey, he’s a kid,” things.

In this episode Canadian Triples date took place. Canadian Triples isn’t really a term that exists. Canadian Doubles is what they call it in tennis when two people play against one. A double date, obviously, is when two couples gather for a date. A Canadian Triples date is when there are five people on one date. I mean, what else do you call it when Chandler, Julia Roberts, Joey, Brooke Shields, and Ross are on a date…besides outwardly ridiculous and ripe for comedy?

I find it interesting that in an episode that featured Marcel the monkey, a Canadian Triples date was taking place at a restaurant called Marcel’s.

They probably put that in there for the people who really pay attention. That's probably a waste of energy on their part. I don't feel like I should be rewarded for my attention to detail by means of an in-joke like that.

There were some more momentous events in these episodes. It wasn’t just Candace Gingrich, the half-sister of Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, officiating what was probably prime time television’s first same-sex union ceremony.

Gunther has his first line. I didn’t think to record his debut utterance, but it was literally one line. He has yet to be referred to again, nor has he spoken. He is still dutiful in his serving. He is often engaged in inaudible conversation with patrons, surely describing the Jamaican Blend or the Kenyan…Blend.

Getting back to Carol & Susan’s wedding, when it was announced that they were getting married, the actors had to hold for a good 5-10 seconds for laughter. Grow up, audience members.

So, Ross and Rachel finally kiss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares?

The important thing?

Rachel’s eating friggin’ Mallomars! Mallomars are definitely the thing that I never thought I’d miss from the East Coast that I find I miss. Most other foods, I knew I was going to miss. Mallomars? I want some now. Sadly, even on the East Coast, they’re “off season.” You can only get them in the fall and winter, because the chocolate and marshmallow doesn’t travel well in the summer. Since it doesn’t travel well in general, it’s hard to get them when you’re on on the East Coast, which I must say is saddening.

This art hanging in Monica’s short-time boss—played by Michael McKean—is a little beyond creepy. Very Yellow Submarine, but creepy. As is, what is this a cookie jar?

Yeah, why would you bring such evil into your kitchenette?

Actually, what caught my attention here was the NYNEX phone book. NYNEX was a telephone company in the northeast for a short period of time. Here’s how this went down, as far as I understand it. So, we had AT&T that was everywhere. Then the Justice Department was like, “Uhh, Sherman Anti-Trust Act,” so AT&T had to break up. We had New York Telephone, which was known as a “Baby Bell,” or one of the many smaller companies that were the result of the breakup. Then NYNEX came about after New York Telephone combined forces with a company or two. NYNEX was New York and New England (the ‘x’ was for seXy). Then that got eaten up to become Bell Atlantic. That covered everything from Maine to South Carolina. That gave way to Verizon, which is everywhere. Way to stick to your guns in enforcing the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, guys.

Here’s Ross, using his home phone, which looks to be second-hand from Monica and Rachel. Why would Ross, a paleontologist, need to take his sister’s used phone? He’s a lot better off than the waitress and the unemployed chef he got the phone from. If anything, he should be given them his phone.

This is interesting. I believe it’s the first time a cell phone is seen on the show. Rachel borrows it from some guy at a restaurant. I was expecting it to look more comically outdated. Comically outdated like Chandler’s laptop computer.

They couldn’t just leave it at Chandler saying, “Hey look, I’ve got a computer!” No, they had to go into outdated specifics. It’s got a 28.8K bps modem, 50 megabytes of memory AND spreadsheet capabilities. Spreadsheet capabilities? Even at this point, Excel had been coming bundled with Microsoft Office for a couple of years. Personally, I’d be more apt to mention FreeCell before I mention something vague like “spreadsheet capabilities.” I guess it’s what you’d expect from a guy who dresses like this.

In other “fashion” news, I’ve entered Ross’s ‘George McFly’ period.

Other notable guest stars (not after the Super Bowl) was Phoebe’s grandmother played by Audra Lindley.

Better known as Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company. Call me crazy, but I prefer Mr. and Mrs. Roper over Mr. Furley. Always have.

Another notable guest star was David Schwimmer with chin putty.

WHA?

Oh, the split-screen hilariousness continues as Ross is confronted with Russ, a guy that Rachel dates on the rebound from Ross. However, Schwimmer doesn’t give himself credit.

And I leave you with this gross image.

Chandler is lured into a men’s room stall for what he believes will be a quickie. It’s not the fact that they’re about to have sex in a bathroom stall that icks me out.The woman Chandler is with—played by Julia Roberts—is barefoot in a men’s room stall. Don’t get me wrong; I love being barefoot. I go barefoot whenever I can. Public bathrooms are an across the boards NO! I don’t care how clean it looks.

I don't think I'd want to have a quickie with someone who goes barefoot in a public restroom. If she has this much disregard for keeping her feet germ free, what about other body parts?

Also, what if shit does happen and nine months later there's a baby. There's a chance that my kid would have the gene that makes it not care about being barefoot in a public bathroom. I don't know what the chances are for that, I'd have to do a Punnett Square. It would definitely be predisposed to want quickies in restroom stall, and I'm a little uncomfortable with that.

Ross & Rachel Angers the Gods

2009-08-01T20:30:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 5-7-08

The New York skies have gone blood red with anger. ANGER!

Why would the gods be so P.O.ed that they would turn gotham’s heavens to such a hue?

It may be because of the Ross and Rachel tryst. Not just because they’re doing it all of the time, but because the fact that they’re doing it inappropriately. Here they are, about to do it at Hayden Planetarium. Hey, don’t get me wrong. If you have access to a planetarium after-hours, I’m all for using it however you’d like. I can see the benefits of being able to boast that you’ve done it in a planetarium.

However, after the planetarium, Ross and Rachel—or Rochel, if they were a modern-day celebrity couple—take the party to the Australopithecus display.

Again, that’s fine. Except they wake up the next morning to find themselves, naked, under a fur being ogled by Catholic schoolchildren.

How does Ross manage to keep his job after befouling the Australopithecus display that he was called in to fix? The inappropriateness doesn’t end there.

Rachel serves Monica a coffee, and then sits on Ross’s lap. Why hasn't Central Perk fired her yet and how does this business stay open?

I’m pretty sure Rachel isn’t working here, but this is still a really weird thing to do in public. This is a full on snuggle, with a leg across the others’ lap. Is Ross sleeping? What the hell? They’re not only in public, but they’re in the place where Rachel works. Consider going to your workplace with your significant other, and getting in this position in clear view of everyone. That’s weird.

They’re not just about making strangers and co-workers feeling uncomfortable. A bunch of them were hanging out in the kitchen when Ross enters.

Very little is said before the two of them literally rush into Rachel’s bedroom, in front of everyone, clear as day that they’re about to do it. Ross doesn’t even take his coat off when he enters the apartment.

I’m not trying to come off as puritanical here, but they need to be more polite. Ross needs to take his coat off, sit down, and chat with everyone. Then, after five minutes or so, Rachel says something like, “Oh Ross, I wanted to show you that thing I was telling you about.” "Oh right," he would answer. "That thing." Then they have an excuse to leave and go into Rachel’s room. Then they could do it like bunnies. Yes, everyone still knows what they will be doing in there, but this way seems more polite.

Monica and Rachel have an interesting household agreement. Communal condoms.

Kind of like how my roommate and I share the milk. It’s there in the fridge for whenever we need it, and we depend on the honor system in terms of whose turn is to replace it. It’s not a perfect system, but I don't think there is a such a thing with this.

I’ve never done this with condoms with a roommate, mainly because I don’t need to know how much and when my roommate is having sex. I also don’t like this because I don’t need any of my roommates to know how much sex I’m having, and I assume no one wants to know anyway. I am in favor of before the fact condom-lending, but that’s different.

Besides the privacy issue, if you have a communal condom system, then you have to keep the condoms in a communal area. In this instance, they keep their condoms in the bathroom, which means one has to leave the bedroom to go to the bathroom, which means throwing clothes on and hoping no one is in the living room or taking a shower. This all seems very inconvenient.

At this point, the show is able to afford some names for multi-episode characters—ya know, characters with arcs. Not exactly reoccurring characters, because they show up at random times, but characters who show up for a few episodes and then disappear. What’s the name for that? Anyway, Adam Goldberg shows up as Chandler’s roommate when Joey moves out temporarily. At the time, Goldberg had been around for a while. Most notably, he was Mike in Dazed & Confused, the character who coins the phrase “neo-McCarthyism.” "Neo-McCarthyism," Anthony Rapp's character repeats to himself. "I like that."

In looking at his filmography, he had an arc on Joey as well, playing a different character. Yeah, I don’t approve. It’s still the Friends universe. You would think Joey would recognize him as the guy who lived with Chandler.

The show was also able to rope in Tom Selleck to play Monica’s boyfriend, who is also her father’s friend. I guess this is impressive.

So to review, Monica is dating her father’s friend, and Ross is dating Monica’s friend.

This is Rachel’s tattoo, the day she got it. Shouldn’t it be covered, or at least, gross and scabby? Yes, of course. She should also be applying the salves and ointments liberally.

So, when Joey left Chandler’s apartment, the furniture he had just bought was removed, to show that he was out. That, apparently, included the giant microwave. The giant microwave was Joey’s? I would have thought that it was Chandler’s, since he was the breadwinner.

The six-pack of Pilsner Urquell, apparently, is Chandler’s. This comes as no surprise. He may even plan to drink it at room temperature, like they do in the Czech Republic. Or maybe he just hasn’t gotten around to putting it in the fridge, yet.

Our friends aren’t the only ones who spend a lot of time at Central Perk. Apparently, Mr. Ponytail needs his regular dosage of Gunther as well. I don’t know if the show recycles its extras like this. I just noticed this guy because of his ponytail, and then I recognized him in a later episode. He’s wearing a similar, but not quite the same shirt, too.

Speaking of which, Joey had a lengthy conversation with Gunther. This marks his second episode in which he had lines.

Interesting piece of Friends prehistory—Monica went to her prom with Donkeylips from Salute Your Shorts.

I was going to stop making fun of what characters were wearing. I mean that gets a little stale after a while, right?

Yeah, well, the guy who Joey gets his new apartment from was having a party and decided that this was the shirt that all of his friends and colleagues should see him in.

Out With a Fizzle

2009-08-01T20:01:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 5-10-08

Season Two was actually pretty uninteresting. Maybe the show blew its budget on the post-Super Bowl extravaganza, but the most noteworthy addition to this May’s sweeps was Charlie Sheen.

He was playing Phoebe’s supposed longtime friend with benefits in the Navy, who spends a lot of time out to sea. When he gets a chance to go to New York, he spends it with Phoebe. He was never mentioned before, and I don’t believe he’s ever mentioned again. He certainly doesn’t appear in any other episodes. How close could you be with someone if you only mention him once in the span of ten years?

Nothing against Charlie Sheen, it’s just that we were used to bigger things in sweeps.

Also, last season’s big cliffhanger was the fact that Rachel found out that Ross is in love with her and blah blah blah, and then she finds out that he met someone while he was away, and holy crap, what happens?

This season ends with Monica finding out that Richard doesn’t want kids, and this kind of ends the relationship. Or does it?

Of course it does! What, Tom Selleck is suddenly going to have a part on Friends? The Monichard relationship lasts three months, or the span of ten episodes. Richard appears in only six of those ten. He doesn’t even show up to Rachel’s surprise birthday party.

Look, Gunther’s there, front and center of the shot when Rachel walks in. Where’s Monica’s boyfriend? He’s not even mentioned in some lame way, like he’s “dealing with an ophthalmology emergency.” He’s just not there. From a Tom Selleck point of view, I understand this. He’s Tom Selleck. He’s busy doing whatever it is that Tom Selleck does when he’s not doing something else. He may or may not have better things to do than to appear in a sitcom.

However, from a Richard point of view, this troubles me. Why wouldn’t he be at Rachel’s birthday party? Clearly, something is up, and this is the beginning of the end.

Giovanni Ribisi is introduced as the guy who did not once leave Phoebe a condom, but as her half-brother. Her step-mother is being played by SNL-alum Laraine Newman. I won’t get into how uncool it is that Ribisi plays two different characters. I may have even have excused it if Phoebe had no direct interaction with his first character. If, say, Chandler had run into him somewhere, and then he appeared later as Phoebe’s half-brother, then I could say, “Okay, small world.” Even though Frank lives in Middletown, NY, maybe he’s in Manhattan for some reason.

Not only does he play different characters in two different episodes. He plays a different characters in two different episodes that aired within six months of each other. At least space a few years between them, people. They waited for another series before they recycled Adam Goldberg. Why were they in a rush to use Giovanni Ribisi again?

I realize I had just said I wasn’t going to go into how uncool it is that that Ribisi plays two different characters, and then I went into it.

Another casting issue was the second Mindy. Mindy, who ended up marrying Rachel’s ex-fiancé, was originally played by Jennifer Grey. Jana Marie Hupp, who actually went on to play Nancy in Ed, plays her here. Not to put down the original Jeanie Bueller, but why couldn’t they get the original Mindy? It wasn’t an extensive role this time around.

This picture isn’t here to denounce Chandler’s crustache. It’s to address the size of his shirt. Someone should really talk to him about the oversized shirts. A strong enough gust of wind could conceivably take him away.

In fact, here he tries consoling Rachel with a nice friendly hug, and Rachel’s hand gets a little stuck on his oversized armpit flap.

Who knew that Chandler was ahead of his time in the popped collar style? All that’s missing are the ragged jeans halfway down his butt and the askew trucker hat to complete the Complete Douche Bag look that was all the rage at around 2004.

Actually, as much as I like to poke a little fun at the fashion missteps, I’d hate to equate these people to those people.

Also, I think this was a “wardrobe malfunction,” because in the next shot, the collar’s down. I guess that qualifies as a continuity error, since he’s not given enough time off-camera to fix it, but I’m not here to harp on continuity errors, just the other nitpicky stuff.

I hope Ross burned this sweater the second he got home that day.

Here’s another example of the shoddy service one would expect at Central Perk. Both Chandler and Monica order a banana nut muffin each. Rachel brings the single remaining muffin, puts it between Chandler and Monica and says, “Sorry, I only have one left.” Chandler grabs the muffin, and Rachel takes the plate away (as shown here) without offering Monica an alternative. Whoever gets the muffin still needs a plate, or else the crumbs will get everywhere. Especially if the muffin were to be split, which seems the most democratic way to handle this, seeing as the lousy waitress didn’t offer an alternative.

Even if it wasn’t split, crumbs will still get everywhere. Let’s face it, muffins produce a lot of crumbs. Assuming their cleanup crew is as inept as their waitstaff, this place must be overrun with rodents and insects.

In the special features of Disc 4 of Season One, there was a teaser to Season Two with no narration. Season Two didn’t have a teaser to Season Three. There was, however, a feature introduced by Gunther, where he says something to the effect of, “So, you want to know more about…” and then he goes on to name all six of the main characters, as if you hadn’t been paying attention for the rest of the disc. This leads to a menu where you can choose a character, and see a two minute montage of that particular characters quips and the like.

What I notice is that Gunther saves Rachel for last, and follows her name with, “Oh, Rachel…” I find this interesting, because at this point in the show, his character hasn’t been developed enough for us to know that he’s in love with Rachel. I wonder if this is a sneak peek into Gunther’s soul—a special treat for people who check the special features—so that they know a little extra something that the average viewer wouldn’t, or just an anachronism put there by the careless makers of the DVD, because really, who’s going to read into it that much?

Probably the latter, because really, who’s going to read into it that much?

I mean besides me?

Showing Up Julia Stiles

2009-08-01T19:32:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 5-12-08

I'm roughly 20% done with my Friends viewing, and I think it's going well. I've gotten into a routine that makes this work for me.

NOW A WORD FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S SPONSOR
The story in this commercial for the breakfast cereal is about a young woman unhappy with her social standing. She likes a boy, but the leader of her clique would never approve of her dating him. He belongs to the odd group who—brace yourself—eats Apple Jacks. Alpha Girl—who is played by Julia Stiles, according to the person who posted this video...I'll buy it—doesn't necessarily hate these guys. She just feels like they should be avoided.

One afternoon, Alpha Girl points out Jeff "Apple Jack" Armstrong with a voice heavy with derision. Lost in a swoon, our protagonist let's her feelings slip out.

"He's cool," she says as she watches the temperate spring wind blow through his blond locks.
Alpha Girl knows the only way to control her clique at this point is to put him down in front of his friends, thereby indirectly putting her down. "We'll see!" She storms over to his table and confronts him once and for all. Look at what happens.

Alpha Girl flees Apple Jacks Country with her tail between her legs, and with one less social subordinate—probably heading off to the quiet girl who wears the headgear hoping that she would be able to fill the recent vacancy. She can't have a clique with just one other person, because that will give the appearance that she and Little Miss Unnecessarily Pointing Out Who Is Eating What Cereal are equals. Alpha Girl cannot have that.

So, in the end, our protagonist ends up with breakfast cereal dreamboat Jeff Armstrong.

I remember these commercials when they originally aired. A bunch of friends sitting around eating cereal when some square—usually a parent, but once in a great while, it's Julia Stiles—asks for some explanation as to why they like Apple Jacks so much or why they're called Apple Jacks if they don't taste like apples. The latter point, I can see, although I can't really see anyone really making that big of an issue of it. Why a group of people like Apple Jacks? Apple Jacks taste good. This isn't one of those things that people grow out of, like Saved By the Bell. Apple Jacks still taste good in adulthood. Even if you don't like Apple Jacks, taste in foods is subjective. Quit being a dick and respect the fact that someone likes something you don't.

However, that whole thing isn't what stuck with me with those commercials through the years. What haunted me was the part that made absolutely no sense. The last shot is what baffled me. To this day, it still baffles me.

Okay, I can get on board with the idea that one of the Apple Jacks Clique members happened to have brought a Polaroid to school on this particular day, coincidentally the day when Jeff Armstrong's stalker was able to crowbar her way into these people's lives. This kid said, "Hey, let's take a picture." Sometimes, photos are impromptu like that.

I take issue with the fact that this kid went so far as to label the photo "Apple Jacks '94,"

Why, in the hell, would anyone do this?

Are these kids that into Apple Jacks that they wanted to record every Apple Jacks related moment that occurs? If so, you would think that the caption of this photo would be less generic than "Apple Jacks '94," because I imagine that 365-day span was filled with plenty of Apple Jack related events. An example of captions this year would be:

Stacy sits with us at lunch (also, Kurt Cobain is dead) - 4/8/94
The milk smells funny (Brazil wins World Cup) - 7/17/94
Headgear Hilary joins us (Newt Gingrich voted in as Speaker of the House) - 11/8/94

Okay, maybe Apple Jacks isn't as big of a part of these kids' lives that I'm making it out to be. Say this just happens to be a random day when they happened to be eating Apple Jacks. That still doesn't explain why they would label this picture "Apple Jacks '94."

"Why'd you label that picture that way?"
"Because we're all eating Apple Jacks."
"We're all eating drinking orange juice, too. You didn't label it 'Orange Juice '94?'"

This was one of many commercials from this campaign.

The marketing people would have you believe that kids all over the country were taking pictures with their best friends and their favorite cereals.

This fad never lived to see 1995, and that's probably a good thing. There is absolutely no reason to take a Polaroid with your friends and label it with whatever cereal you happen to be eating at the time the picture was taken, followed by the year.

However, at the same time, if all of the kids are doing it, I'd hate to not do it and appear as some hopeless square.

Here I am, rabidly supporting my favorite cereal as of now.

And if Julia Stiles asks me why I continue my allegiance to such a cereal, I'll ask her why she made "Save the Last Dance."

Then she'll tell me how much money she made making that movie, and that would promptly shut me up.

Whatever, I'm the lone member of the highly exclusive "Joe's O's '08" club, so take that, Jeff Armstrong hater.

Advertising in Sitcoms

2009-08-01T19:03:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 5-17-08

It seems that summer doesn’t exist in the Friends universe. I understand that there is kind of a difficulty to following six peoples’ lives in a format that only allows you to do so eight months of the year. Do you address it and have one of your characters say something like “I’m going to Bolivia for a few months,” or do you just hope no one notices that none of your New Yorker characters complains about 90 degree days with 85% humidity?

At one point, Rachel reminisces about spending Fourth of July on her father’s boat when she was growing up. At the time, I thought she was sharing this to illustrate how sad it is that her parents’ marriage has deteriorated, and she’d never be able to experience that again. Now, I realize, that she’d never be able to experience that again because she lives in a world where time enters a vortex a week or so before Memorial Day, and you come out of it after Labor Day. You don’t know what happened in that time, except when you come to, you realize your hair is dyed a different color.

Or your hair is looking some sort of other ridiculous.

However, no time elapses. Monica is still trying to get over her breakup with Richard, which supposedly ended four months earlier. Is she pathetic for harping on a three-month long relationship/six-episode character arc? No, she fell into the vortex. Look at her hair.

I’m not even going to try track Chandler’s hair, which appears to change every other scene.

I’ve experienced a first, since starting this project: an episode that I didn’t recall, even in the slightest. All of the other episodes, I could, at some point, say, “Oh, yeah. I remember this.” The One With the Flashback had none of this, and it’s actually a good episode to see for the first time while doing this. While I try to stay away from concentrating too much on plots here, it’s kind of unavoidable. So, everyone’s sitting around Central Perk, and Janice asks if anyone in the group has ever almost slept with anyone else in the group.

Flashback to three years ago, which was one year before the pilot. Well, the answer was yes. Ridiculously enough, in the space of a couple of days, almost everyone almost did almost everyone. Joey & Monica, Chandler & Monica, Chandler & Rachel, Ross & Phoebe. It’s a little silly and unlikely. If these people were constantly on the edge of sex, there would have been more than the Ross & Rachel coupling at this point. I'm thinking there would have been orgies on a somewhat regular basis.

However, we did learn some interesting Friends prehistory.

This guy was almost Chandler’s roommate. If he had moved in, the show probably wouldn’t have made it to the third season. In this episode, Chandler preferred him to Joey.

It might have been because Joey was wearing a leather vest. I mean, if I were interviewing a prospective roommate, and he showed up wearing a leather vest, I’d make up some bullshit about daily 5am yodeling practices and a having complete disregard for private space.

However, if you notice, there’s no microwave, which means the microwave is Joey’s after all. From Chandler's point of view, in Mr. Leather Vest, Chandler saw an opportunity to get a microwave without actually having to purchase one.

We also learn that before Central Perk was a trendy little coffeehouse, it was a bar. At around this time, we learn that the bar is going to be turning into a coffeehouse. Somehow the bar closes, it’s redone into a coffeehouse, it reopens and establishes itself as a business with a strong customer base ALL within a year.

Not only that, while we never meet the bar owners, they seem to be very comfortable with leaving Phoebe the keys to the place after closing time, and her friends are free to trickle in and help themselves to whatever they want. Bars close at 4am in New York. What time is it here? The customers are out, the staff has cleaned up and left. It’s like after five. Why are they still up?

In 1993, Monica had a different phone than she did during Season One. Which, if you remember, changes in season two.

However, in season three, she appears to have gone back to the phone she had two years earlier. I thought she had given that to Ross.

Here’s Ursula passing a poster for Space Jam in a subway station. I think it’s a poster for Space Jam. That’s definitely Bugs Bunny. It says “Get ready to jam.” It came out in November ’96, a month after this aired. Oddly enough, this episode was titled The One With the Jam, only by ‘jam’, it’s implied they mean the stuff you put on toast. They apparently also meant subliminal advertising jam, as well.

I don’t understand brand names in the backgrounds of scenes.

For example, you may see this picture and see Janice, Chandler’s on-again-off-again girlfriend. However, I see Devil Dogs, made by Drake’s Cakes. You can’t get Devil Dogs, Ring Dings, Ding Dongs, or Yodels here. In New York, I was never more than a half-mile from any of these absolutely delicious snack cake of the Gods. Why must you anger me, cinematographers and set designers of Friends? Why?

Directly across from Janice, behind Chandler is a myriad of stuff.

Some logos are partially blocked out, but some aren’t. Alphabits, Banana Nut Crunch, and Success Rice are clearly displayed. For some reason, the logo for Grape Nuts whited out in spots. Why? That is very clearly Grape Nuts. Whether you intend on indirectly advertising Grape Nuts or not, I’m thinking about Grape Nuts. In fact, Grape Nuts are more prominent, since they’re one of the ones whose logo is obscured. (Uncle Bens, being the other.) If you couldn’t get “the rights” to Grape Nuts, then why not put another cereal in there? Wouldn’t be less work to put a pre-existing box there instead of a box you have to fix up yourself?

I’ve noticed this for years. Boxes in the background with obscured logos. I just assumed that they couldn’t have the brand name show. However, in this show, we see brand names that aren’t obscured next to brand names that are.

And what the hell kind of supermarket is this? Jellies are next to their scant cereal selection, which is right above rice, which is directly across from Devil Dogs? I imagine, further down the aisle, you can get 'Wind_x' and maybe possibly bananas.

Whatever the rule for background advertising is, Long Island company 1-800-FLOWERS is free to do whatever the hell they want. It’s not like that sign there is necessary to establish that that was a florist. That’s made pretty clear by the table of flowers for sale, and the fact that David Arquette purchases flowers from the table.

Speaking of indirect advertising, very clever, Friends, for having David Arquette guest star. What a passive-aggressive way of reminding the public that Arquette’s and Courtney Cox’s Scream is coming out this December. Or maybe it’s because Cox and Arquette started dating, and she wanted to get her boyfriend on the show.

By the way, the web address for 1-800-FLOWERS is 1800flowers.com. I’m not saying that to pimp out them out. I just find it funny that their address is also their phone number with .com slapped on at the end. Of course, it’s not that funny, since the name of the company is also their phone number. What else would it be? FlowersInYourFace.com doesn’t have quite the same ring. The domain name is still available, so if you think you’d want it, you better act fast.

Gunter’s crush on Rachel is officially and formally introduced as a minor plot point.

As is his ability to give me the willies.

Ross lets Rachel know about his Princess Leia fantasy. Leia’s gold bikini is an across the boards favorite. Kind of sick, if you think about it.

Think about it. Here we have a princess and a pretty big wheel in the rebel alliance. Things are going well for her. Apart from Alderaan getting obliterated, things are looking up. The Death Star was destroyed, there’s a few new talented pilots to join the rebel ranks, one of which is a handsome smuggler that she’s falling for despite herself. Well, handsome smuggler gets captured and frozen in carbonite. Carbonite! Other pilot gets his hand chopped off, and she gets held prisoner by a vile overgrown slug. He keeps her as a slave, chained to him at all times while wearing a skimpy bikini. Who knows what awful, unspeakable acts her captor forces her to do? I know I don’t want to picture it. It’s difficult enough when he sticks his tongue out towards her. Anybody other than Princess Leia probably wouldn’t bounce back from that very easily.

So your sexual fantasy is to degrade a once powerful princess, permanently psychologically damaging her? Is it also your sexual fantasy to be in a scenario where you are the vile overgrown slug? I’m not one to judge, but that’s a pretty sick fantasy.

Monica is sad because Richard’s VHS Civil War set just arrived. What’s upsetting is that he’s going to have to buy that again in DVD form in a few years.

My favorite picture of “look how far we’ve come” yet.

This was back in the day when Vanna had to turn the letters herself. Since then, Wheel of Fortune has gone to a touch screen system. The tile turns blue, and Vanna is able to walk over to it, touch it, and the letter appears. Of course, if the screen is able to turn blue, then why do we need Vanna? We could just cut out the middlewoman and have the letters just appear.

The answer is simple. If Vanna White loses her job to a technological advance, then she’d end up becoming a luddite, and no one really wants that.

Apparently, at some point, Matt LeBlanc hurt his shoulder while taping, so Joey’s arm was in a sling as a result of him jumping on his bed. They must have really tall ceilings. I can’t jump on my bed.

Props Guy Has Better Things To Do

2009-08-01T18:34:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 5-23-08

This is how I imagine New York City would look if a scale model of it were to be built on the gas giant Neptune. It would look exactly the same, only with that strangely colored sky. Neptune isn’t exactly that color, but it’s important to stress that this is how I imagine it. Really, it’s kind of a stupid thing to be imagining in the first place, so why even mention it?

It should also be noted that this is the first season where the menu is letterboxed. Why go through the trouble of letterboxing a menu to a show that isn’t letterboxed?

As season three continues to truck along, so does the Gunther storyline.

At this point, Rachel is no longer working at Central Perk, yet Gunther still gets invited to the parties. It’s one thing to invite a co-worker to a party, but an ex-co-worker? He’s not even just a scene-filler here. He pats Monica’s shoulder as he passes, and Monica says “Hey Gunther.” So, there you have it. He’s no longer a guy who lurks in the background.

Although he still does tend to lurk in the background—with his platinum blond hair. Really, Gunther? Platinum Blond? I guess it works if you’re a background guy. Actually, it’s a pretty good idea. If you’re a guy who plays a guy who is in the background as much as he is, platinum blond is probably the way to go. It’s the difference between “There he is,” and “THERE he is.”

I just had a thought. You know how you and your friends have a most likely insulting nickname for that guy who is always around, but isn’t in your inner circle? The friends don’t have one for Gunther. If Gunther was hanging on the outside of my circle, dollars to Krispy Kremes we’d have an awful name for him. We would refer to him with that name when he wasn’t around. I guess these people are nicer than me, because he’s always Gunther. I guess that’s nice for him. That means he’s getting some level of respect.

It’s Thanksgiving, and what better way to celebrate the holiday by pretending to be interested in a sport you’ve never shown interest in before? These guys have gone to Rangers games and Knicks games. Football has yet to be mentioned, yet here they are, heavily invested in the New York Giants Thanksgiving Game. With some light Internet research, I was able to find that the Giants did not play on Thanksgiving. The Cowboys defeated the Redskins and the Chiefs defeated the Lions.

Maybe they're just watching the game from the previous Sunday and it doesn't matter to them because they've never shown interest in football before. Or are they?

Apparently, they are so into football at this point that they decide that they need to play a game themselves.

Luckily, everyone prepared for a Thanksgiving dinner at Monica’s and Rachel’s by bringing a change of clothes on the off-chance that a game of football would break out.

By the way, if ANYONE should be wearing a That Girl shirt, it shouldn’t be Phoebe. It should be Rachel, whose mother is played by Marlo Thomas, aka that That Girl girl.

Being the Monica she is, I find it very difficult to accept the fact that she was willing to leave the kitchen for a period of time while Thanksgiving dinner was cooking to play a game of football. I mean, she is competitive, but she’s also very controlling. You would think she would need to be constantly monitoring what’s going on. I mean, she is a chef; this is what she does. Cooking could also be competitive. There is no way she wants this Thanksgiving dinner to suck. I find it hard to believe that she would easily sacrifice that for a chance at the Gellar Cup.

Here’s something odd. Chandler busts into Monica’s and Rachel’s, as per usual. We’re able to see that across the hall, his apartment’s door is open and all of the lights are off except for one very low light. Joey’s not in the shot, but he had been Monica’s and Rachel’s this whole time. I hope they have renters’ insurance. They're pretty much inviting people to walk in and take whatever foosball table they happen to have.

I’d hate for anything to happen to any of Joey’s wonderful shirts.

BEFORE THEY WERE IN THE THINGS FOR WHICH I RECOGNIZE THEM

Rachel briefly works for a guy played by the guy who later plays Larry David’s father in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Meanwhile, Ross has to sell cookies for a character played by the actress who played George Michael’s girlfriend in Arrested Development—Ann Veal, who was also known as Egg, Ann Hog, and “That Church Thing.” This was also the year after she had played the president’s daughter in Independence Day.

Moving on. I really hate to harp on the subject of phones. I’ll stop harping on it when Monica and Rachel stop getting new phones.

This may be the same phone that was used in most of Season Two, but I don’t think it is. This is just silly. This show doesn’t have a props master. It seems to have a props inept intern.

Readers, I’m sorry if the show’s prop master is, like, your uncle, or something. If so, I think I’ve presented the evidence that your uncle’s mastery of props is severely lacking. I'm sure you'll agree.

I just imagine every few episodes, for whatever reason, the prop phone is removed from the set and thrown into a pile of other phones. Then, when it comes time to get the prop, it’s time to sort through the phone pile.

“Do you need a picture of the phone that we used?”
“No, I’m fine. I got it.”

Five minutes later

“Wasn’t the phone gray?”
“Uhh, no.”
“You sure?”
“You questioning my props mastery is an insult to myself, my ancestors and my descendants.”
“Oh. Sorry to insult all of those people.”

Richard is back, and his cell phone is huge!

Wait, you guys can’t keep your phones straight, but you throw down the bucks for a neon sign pointing out the porn? I’ve been in enough video stores to know that the room in the back with the curtains is the adult section. I bet the neon dissuades people from going in there. I mean if you’re getting an adult film, you don’t need to advertise the fact by going into the room that is clearly marked with the neon lights. The keyword here is “discreet.”

If you were wondering when Ross adopted the “little wall of hair in the front” look…it’s the middle of Season Three.

Speaking of Ross, he and his male bangs drop in on Rachel at her new job. That’s where it’s revealed that Rachel and her co-worker are wearing the exact same outfit. I think this is to allow for Ross to get confused. For this we're assuming that Ross had seen Rachel before work and remembered what she was wearing. I guess this is possible. Unlikely, but possible.

I have worked in offices where if you were to dare show up to work wearing a similar color scheme as a co-worker, someone else will say something annoying like, “Oh, did you two call each other this morning?” That’s the same color scheme. Imagine the bullshit these two had to put up with for showing up in the same exact outfit.

I wonder about people who make comments like that. I can’t think of any reason why I would call one of my co-workers before I was about to spend eight hours with him or her. If there were to be some sort of emergency where I would need to do this, I would imagine the subject of clothing would not come up. If it were to come up, I imagine the conversation would take a turn. “Oh, you’re wearing blue with black pants? I was planning on wearing blue with black pants. Let me change, because you know someone in the office is going to say something stupid like, ‘Oh, you guys got the memo?’ and I don’t want to have to explain to that person that the company has better things to do with its resources than to issue memos announcing its employees’ wardrobe plans.”

If Monica had seen what I had seen Rachel do, Monica would have her own place again.

Rachel, after eating something, licks her fingers and then very clearly wipes them on the couch cushion. In addition to being competitive and controlling, Monica’s also extremely neat. She would not like to hear that her roommate is constantly eating, licking her fingers and then wiping them on the couch. Rachel would be out on the street that night.

One last note.

I have this same exact tie. I don’t wear it anymore, but only because I don’t have to wear ties anymore. If I still wore ties, I’d still wear that one. I wouldn’t let the fact that it was seen on Friends 11 years ago—therefore, possibly not in fashion anymore—stop me.

Taking a Break...From Being Fun for Me

2009-08-01T18:05:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 5-28-08

While I try to steer clear of plot points, it would be hard not to mention the elephant in this living room. Ross & Rachel “take a break,” and Ross sleeps with the copy shop clerk who is played by the same actress who ditched Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer. I suppose the high drama does a good job of pushing the storylines along. It’s less fun for me though.

I do notice that the person who designed the set probably hasn’t spent a single day working at a copy shop. I feel like there’s no reason to display the different colors behind the counter like that. A simple sample book can be shown to customers displaying all of the stock colors that are available. That back wall can be used for something else, like a price list of services. Walking in to this store, I wouldn’t know if they do oversized copies. Instead, I know some of the colors available.

Also, there seems to be no rhyme, reason, or order to the way the stock is, well, stocked. There is a lot of goldenrod. This makes sense. I’d say goldenrod is one of the more popular colors. However, you have one stack of it in the upper left-hand corner. Then in the bottom shelf, there’s some thrown on top of some canary, which is on top of some white, which is on top of more canary. Why would you even put the white with the color paper? There’s more goldenrod, but it’s on the bottom of some ivory. Why?

I do, however, have to laud them for proudly displaying the ultra lime, on the top shelf, between the goldenrod and the green.

The company I worked for carried the ultra lime, but didn’t include it in the sample book. I’m not sure if we started carrying it after the book was made, or what the story was there, but when people wanted an assortment of bright colors for their fliers, they were left in the dark. They got the ultra lemon, which was a no-brainer. I took it as a personal mission to go through the trouble of showing the customers the ultra lime. Look the ultra lime is no ultra lemon, but it’s certainly brighter and more attention grabbing than orange.

Speaking of attention grabbing, if I were to be part of the committee that named colors for a paper company, and we made the same color as Ross’s shirt, I’d nominate the name to be ‘Grimace,’ after the McDonaldland character. They would probably just end up going with ‘purple.’ I don’t think ‘purple’ tells the whole story, though. Even ‘purple is punching you in the throat,’ is better.

Joey’s sweater would by ‘Cosby.’ However, I would not want to work for a paper company that made this pattern readily available. Nor would I want to work for a sweater firm that did the same.

Sherilyn Fenn plays Chandler’s girlfriend for an episode, and her name is listed as a ‘Special Guest,’ and not some regular run of the mill guest. I’m not sure why. Is Sherilyn Fenn that big of a star? Was she? I know her because she was on Twin Peaks, and I was the only sixth-grader in my school that was obsessed with that show. Other than that, there’s nothing really to warrant anything special.

It’s not like she played Dottie in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.

E.G. Daly has a lengthy career as an actress, voice actress and musician. She should get the ‘special’ treatment, if you ask me. She did, so I don’t know what my point is.

Elsewhere, Chandler’s a bit of a prick. He’s in Central Perk, not being able to cope with Ross & Rachel's breakup, so he falls back on an old habit: smoking. Gunther tells him to put it out. Instead of taking it outside, he tells Gunther that he’ll just finish that cigarette. That’s kind of a dick move. I think smoking was still legal in coffeehouses in New York State, but Central Park seems to have its on policy that isn’t enforced very strongly.

Gunther, the voice of authority for Central Perk since Max Wright disappeared early Season Two, buckles under the wiles of Sweet Lady Nicotine tells Chandler that if he lets him have a drag, then—and only then—will he allow him to finish the cigarette. How does he repay Gunther?

He lights up right there. Look, Chandler, all of America took the breakup badly, but that doesn’t give you the right to disrespect Gunther like that.

I guess we should give Chandler, because he was a Mac person back when only artists were Mac people.

Wait a minute. He got a laptop last season, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a Mac. Come to think about it, we haven’t seen that thing in a while. Why would a character who doesn’t own a Mac want to read Macworld? Maybe he’s thinking of getting a Mac. We’ll see if he gets a Mac in the near future.

I have a hard time believing, even though it’s an Bloomingdale’s office, they have a bunch of big brown bags, labeled so, just hanging around. Just because it’s the company’s shopping bag, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the office would be well stocked with them. I can understand a few lying around, but why would they have a specific hook for them. Why not have a hook for little or medium brown bags?

A pre-That 70s Show Debra Jo Rupp is introduced as Phoebe’s soon to be half-sister-in-law.

And Jon Favreau plays Monica’s super-rich boyfriend. Despite all of his money, she doesn’t find him money.

Yeah, like I said. There’s so much “drama” going on that there’s very little fun for me. I hope this picks back up.

St. Patty's Day and Father's Day

2009-08-01T17:36:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 6-5-08

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone!

Why am I wishing everyone a Happy St. Patrick’s Day in June?

Well, I figured if Friends can show us the Empire State Building lit up for St. Patrick’s Day in early April, then all bets are off.

Snapple got a lot of play in Season One, but it hasn’t been seen since. There were a few instances where I thought I saw someone drinking Snapple, but I couldn’t quite confirm it. Finally, Monica is seen cracking open a bottle of Kiwi Strawberry. It used to Ross that was really into Snapple, but I guess he got over that.

Chandler, on the other hand, seems to be in the midst of a serious Yoo-hoo kick.

Mind you, this is in the span of two episodes, and this was not all of it either. If you notice, two of these bottles were consumed while he was wearing the same outfit, yet taken in two different settings. He had two bottles that day.

Also, notice that he was seen in two separate instances drinking Yoo-hoo in Central Perk. I suppose it’s possible that Central Perk sells bottled beverages not brewed or made by Gunther and crew. However, I’ve never noticed anybody consuming any prepackaged brand name items in that place. Central Perk breaks that trend and starts off by bringing in shipments of Yoo-hoo? That’s the first thing they bring in?

It’s either that, or they allowed Chandler to come in with an outside drink. What kind of coffeehouse is this where you’re allowed to bring in your own drink?

What kind of person goes into coffeehouse, twice, with an outside drink without any hesitation or guilt?

Chandler, I’ve argued before, was raised in a barn. His friends have just resigned to this fact that they don’t care that he’s sitting on the counter instead of joining them at the table in the empty chair. And how is Monica okay with this?

Phoebe is eating straight from the Cereal box. I’ve capitalized that, since, apparently, Cereal is a brand name. Yes, it’s written in the Cap’n Crunch font, but it’s not Cap’n Crunch, it’s Cereal. I don’t know how Monica isn’t freaking out about someone eating straight out of the box. Monica’s neuroses are not consistent.

Neither are her phones.

This is the second model of phone seen in Apartment 20 this season. Luckily, it’s the end of the season, otherwise we would need to see a third one because Phoebe breaks this one.

So, we’ll see what happens in the fall. We shouldn’t expect to see their curvy-backed phone again, since they seemed to have sent that model to the woman out in the Hamptons who turned out to be Phoebe’s mother, played by Teri Garr.

Speaking of sending phones to the Hamptons, the house where everyone is staying has the same phone from Season One.

Would it kill them to get someone on staff to keep this sort of thing straight?

Kevin McDonald guest starred one episode. Despite being a huge fan of the Kids in the Hall, I didn’t think the appearance was very noteworthy. I liked how his name appeared on the screen of the ending credits when he was on. I like when things like this happen accidentally.

It happens in the beginning of The Goonies for Kerri Green. Quick aside, I’ve always considered Kerri Green as an earlier Jenny Lewis—only Lewis went on to have a musical career, but before that.

And, it happens for the bus driver in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Squint. Her name’s in there.

Is it me, or is this extra flashing some coin slot? This was a few years before low-rise pants became what they are today. Nowadays, I can wake up on any given morning with the knowledge that I’m likely see at least one butt crack. This fact is kind of upsetting, now that I’m considering it. I mean, remember when we used to make fun of plumbers? Plumbers do it, and it’s gross. Women do it, and it’s supposedly hot? Yeah, it doesn’t really make sense to me.

This was the ‘90s. Butt cracks were rarely seen. This girl’s showing the world.

Or maybe it’s a tag or some thread. I can’t really tell.

Despite being out of office for over two years, former New York Governor Mario Cuomo’s campaign poster is still up. You’d think someone would have taken this down already. It seems to be in pretty good shape. It must never rain on that wall.

In the realm of other guest star fun:

Ben Stiller plays Rachel’s date.

In the next episode, Stiller’s now-real-life wife plays Ross’s girlfriend. This was before they got married. I don’t know if they were dating at the time, but it’s funny that they would appear in consecutive episodes like that.

What’s interesting about Taylor’s character is that Rachel convinces her to shave her head. Taylor’s character in The Craft lost her hair. I don’t know why I know that. I think when I was a teen in the mid-‘90s, I had a lot of female friends who thought / wished they were witches.

For what seems to be absolutely no reason whatsoever, one episode opens with a Billy Crystal and Robin Williams. If you go to the trivia section of this episode on IMDb, you learn that the two of them:

“were by coincidence in the same building, or the one across the street from where Friends is shot, and the writers asked if they wanted to make a guest appearance. This was the day of shooting so it was just quickly thrown in.”

What the trivia section of this episode on IMDb doesn’t tell you is that this particular episode just so happened to air the night before Father’s Day, starring Billy Crystal and Robin Williams, opened. C’mon, IMDb, be straight with us. I buy your story to a degree; they probably were nearby in another Warner Bros. building since their movie was coming out in weeks. However, IMDb, we’re all adults, so you can give it to us straight. We know the truth about Santa Claus and Deep Throat, tell us the whole truth about their out of place appearance on a sitcom.

“Billy Crystal and Robin Williams appeared to promote their crapfest Father’s Day, which opened the day after this episode aired and didn’t break $36 million in the box office worldwide, yet cost $85 million to make.”

I mean, I took all of that information from you, IMDb. I’m better at cross-referencing you than you are.

I think my main mistakes here are that I’m assuming that IMDb is a self-aware being, and I’m assuming that anyone has ever thought of Father’s Day since, say, 1998.

Interestingly enough, or uninterestingly enough, I saw the movie that this was based on, Les Compères in High School French class. Gerard Depardieu was one of the main guys. Don’t ask me if Crystal or Williams played his part.

On a much lighter note, it appears that Chandler works with the guy who plays Marshall Darling, the father in Clarissa Explains It All. He used to play an architect, but now he plays someone that does whatever it is that Chandler does.

Monica’s skirt is outright naughty. It’s got a prominent zipper in the front that goes all the way down. You can undo that zipper like you would undo a zipper to a jacket. Forget about low-rise pants, if women went around wearing prominent-all-the-way-down-zippered skirts, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

As always, the special features are lumped in at the end of the season. This season had something called “What’s Up With the Friends.” This turned out to be almost identical to a feature on Season Two.

Gunther does a quick introduction, and then you’re able to access a montage of clips, sorted by character.

Every season has also had a quiz. Each season has had a different “prize” for doing well. I, of course, do well on these quizzes. If I’m able to notice Chandler’s Yoo-hoo binge, then I’m able to tell you the name of the girl at the copy shop.

Season One gave me a screen that says, “Congratulations! You really are a good Friend!” It didn’t even take into account that I am always willing to give people rides to the airport.

Season Two gave me what I guess could be considered an Easter egg. It was Phoebe’s complete Smelly Cat music video.

Season Three was a bit different. You, the viewer, have a mission. Suspended in the aquamarine colored Manhattan sky is a heart broken in two. Ross is on one half, Rachel on the other. If you answer correctly, the two pieces move closer. If you answer incorrectly, the move further apart. I was able to get them together, and I was rewarded with the sight of the complete heart along with fireworks sound effects.

I kind of wonder what happens if you don’t get them together. Would Netflix send me an alternate universe version of Friends?

Helpful Tips for Dealing With Wildlife

2009-08-01T17:07:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 6-8-08

What do you do when you see a crocodile?

Light Internet research will tell you that you should avoid any place that may have alligators or crocodiles. However, shit has a tendency to happen, and sometimes the best intentions...mice and men...you know, whatever that saying is.

The first step is to run away from the water. The top land speed for a croc is 10 mph, and they won't run far away from water unless there's danger. They're not going to chase after someone.

However, crocs rely on surprise, and if it is able to get a jump on you and attack, all is not lost. Fight back. Go for the eyes.

That makes sense. Imagine a scenario where you're about to eat a cheeseburger. You're about to take the first bite, and the cheeseburger reaches out and pokes you in the eye. "Ow," first of all; second of all, suddenly you don't want that cheeseburger anymore.

Failing that, go for the ears or the nostrils. It's not as effective as the eyes, but it's still unpleasant for the attacker.

If you can't do any of this because your arm is already in the croc's mouth, then punch the back of the throat. There's a valve back there that keeps water from going down the croc's throat, which may cause it to release you. This may end up being the last action this arm does before it gets severed from the rest of your body, but I think it's a noble enough sacrifice.

This page I'm reading from tells you to seek medical attention, which you would think would be a no-brainer. You would think anyone with the savoir-faire to survive a crocodile attack would also know that medical attention after said attack would probably be good.

I offer this public service announcement, not because anyone I know has become a victim of a crocodile attack. I'm just concerned that my generation may have gotten some bad information in the early '90s.

They got the first step right. Run. Assuming you've effectively avoided the crocodile, running is the only thing to do.

I couldn't find any Web site that suggested following the running with sliding. In fact, the last thing you want to do is get on the ground in a position that would keep you from running. It's unlikely that the croc will catch up to you, but you really don't want to take any chances. I can't stress that enough.

Hitting the bump is simply unnecessary, and I highly doubt that if you've just had a close brush with a crocodile, you'd want to go through a hoop with a plastic curtain with a cartoon crocodile on it into a shallow pool of water. Let's be honest, no one can see what's behind the curtain, there could be another crocodile in the pool.

Seriously, if you see a crocodile, just completely forgo the Crocodile Mile. In fact, leave the Crocodile Mile there. Yes, when it's set up in your backyard, it's a fun way to get high-fives from your friends...unless you're a girl

She's not even expecting a high-five here. High-five snubbery is a simple reality in her world. You wonder why she keeps getting invited, but then you wonder why she keeps coming.

If you were to set up your Crocodile Mile in the vicinity of an actual crocodile, just run and leave the Crocodile Mile. Really, the Crocodile Mile isn't worth saving. You know that eventually you're going to invite someone who doesn't take his or her watch off before he uses it, and that person will surely leave a tear in your glorified Slip N Slide.

I also take issue with them calling the bump a "Boomerang Bump." You would think that a boomerang bump would just turn you around and return you to where you started. Unless, of course, these people were just looking for some Australian thing to put in there to make it seem authentic.

"Well, of course it's really Australian. It mentions a boomerang."

The first lines spoken by the stereotypically sounding Australian voice-over is "G'day mate," so maybe they're trying to hook any residual Australiophiles who still missed Jacko.

"Oi, indeed!"

Another Summerless Year

2009-08-01T16:38:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 6-15-08

Season Three ended with Ross figuring out what room he will go into. Rachel's room or Christine Taylor's room? Season Four began with the same exact shot.

So, this pretty much means that they just skipped the summer of '97. Anything that happened in that summer didn't really happen in Friends land. So, I wonder if Princess Di is still alive in their world. I also wonder if they have trouble watching the first two Terminator movies.

"Skynet becomes self-aware and destroys the world on August 29, 1997."
"August 29, 1997? Could you be a more fictional date?"

I'm not sure what happened, hair-wise, with the characters. Some characters were like, "I'm away at the Hamptons, I'm going to dye my hair reddish."

"I'm going to make my hair poofier. The more the hair, the more the grease, right?"

Also, it looks like he just stepped out of the barber shop.

The good thing is that Chandler got over his Yoo-hoo jones really quickly, and was seen drinking it only once since the beginning of the season. Maybe he only packed two cases of the stuff for his trip to the Hamptons, and it didn't last the vacation. By the time he got back to Manhattan, he didn't have such a strong need for Sweet Lady Niacin—one of the vitamins and minerals that Yoo-hoo offers. Now, he's just an occasional user.

Note that Chandler waited until he got back to dye his hair. I seem to remember a promo for Comedy Central where Matthew Perry was sitting at Craig Kilborn's desk for The Daily Show. "Hi, I'm Matthew Perry and you're watching Comedy Central, and I apologize for the color of my hair." I'd have to assume this was this period of time. Either that, or his hair will continue its decent into further ridiculum.

Oh miracles of miracles, Monica returns from the Hamptons to discover that the phone destroyed by Phoebe has magically healed itself, or has been fixed. It makes one wonder why two people who go through cordless phones like bottles of shampoo would bother to get this phone repaired, when it seems that a cordless phone bush on the balcony yields a seemingly endless supply of phones.

It also makes me wonder why the props master would take a legitimate excuse to replace their phone and totally whiff on it and replace the phone with the same model.

Hey, look, everyone! It's Christmas! In October!

Only it's not really, and literally two minutes later in the same episode, the Manhattan skyline corrects itself.

Getting back to the hairstyles, a scant two seasons ago, Phoebe offers to cut Monica's hair. This was after she supposedly cut their Joey's and Chandler's hair while Rachel went to the airport—the episode where the summer of '95 had skipped. Monica asks Phoebe to cut it to make her look like Demi Moore. Phoebe gives her a Dudley Moore haircut, and Monica freaks.

Two years later, Monica is sporting an "Arthur" (not to be confused with the 'Arthur' that George Harrison sports in A Hard Day's Night) Phoebe is a good enough sport to not bring this up and guilt Monica for making Phoebe feel so bad two years earlier. Phoebe is a better person than me, because I would've never let Monica hear the end of it.

I, of course, have enough sense to not bring a cat into a public eatery. However, this is Central Perk, where anything friggin' goes. Behavior like this may even get you some positive attention from the waitstaff.

I question Ross' parenting.

Ohio Art clearly states that the Etch-A-Sketch are for children ages 4 & up. Even if Ben is genetically predisposed to be intelligent, at 2 1/2, he is way too young for this toy.

First of all, he probably doesn't realize that turning the knobs has bearing on what is happening on the screen, nor does he have the motor skills to make a picture. If you want to get a 2 1/2-year-old interested in art, start with crayons.

Also, it doesn't seem very safe. I remember my Etch-A-Sketch leaking that silver stuff. Maybe this was because my Etch-A-Sketch was a hand-me-down from my older brother, so the leaking came with age. Maybe Etch-A-Sketch improved it's technology to make it more leak proof. Assuming these 'ifs' are not true, that kid better be careful not to touch the edges of the screen, or else his little fingers will have silver spots. And you know 2 1/2-year-olds are all about putting stuff into their mouths. Ben is definitely ingesting aluminum powder on this fateful night.

This is what probably turns him into the insufferable little brat he becomes in later seasons.

This is the last we see of Chandler's laptop. I, once being a victim of burglary, didn't really find the laptop stealing as funny as the studio audience/laugh track participants. This guy took the laptop and the boombox in one trip, and we later find out that he cleaned Joey and Chandler out. Joey's comically oversized microwave, the ever-changinge foosball table, even the all of the furniture, and he stole it all without being detected by anyone. While I'm not one to condone stealing of others' property, this guy is efficient. I wonder if he's available to help me move next month, because I have a couch that was a bit of a pain to get through my doorway, and I think anyone who could remove two recliners, by himself, would be a valuable helper on moving day. There's no enough pizza or beer in the world to repay him.

In the past, I've called to question the use of brand packages. Sometimes, the packaging is presented as is. Sometimes, one letter of the name is blocked out.

For example, here, it appears that Monica is flashing gang signs at her bottle of Diet Snapple. However, at closer inspection, you can see that it's actually a bottle of "Diet _napple." In the past, I've voiced my confusion over this. Maybe they can't use the Snapple name, but that is clearly a Snapple bottle, blocked out 's' or not.

Here, we have Joey looking at a box bearing the image of the character from the Quaker Oats (who, by the way, bought out Snapple in 1994) cereal Cap'n Crunch. However, the cereal isn't Cap'n Crunch, it's a cereal called "Love That Crunch." It's odd that they wouldn't use the name "Cap'n Crunch," but they would pass off Cap'n Crunch's slogan of "Love that crunch" as the fictional brand name. "Love that crunch" was already printed on the box in smaller font just to the left (our left) of the man himself.

So really, what the hell Quaker Oats? Are you advertising on Friends or not?

Hey, remember Alicia LaPlaca? She was on the '80s FOX sitcom Duets, which spun-off Open House, which featured Ellen Degeneres. Anyone? No? Am I the only one that hyper-aware of FOX's Sunday line-up from the '80s?

I like how FOX uses the word spin-off there. "Spin-off" implies that the original was successful enough to warrant two series to exist at the same time. For example, you had Cheers, and then you had The Tortellis which aired in the same period, and for a half a season. The two shows lived on the same network. Then there's Frasier, which was the other kind of spin-off. Cheers had its successful run, went off the air after running its course and then spawned Frasier which had a successful run of its own.

My point, usually, to spawn a spin-off, there had to be a successful series to spin off from. FOX ignored this rule and brought in an equally forgettable series. Hence Duets, Open House, and the piece of TV trivia that pops to my mind whenever I see the boss Rachel had who slept with Chandler.

Less exciting, Phoebe's boss is apparently Mrs. Roselli from Who's the Boss.

Extreme Apartment Makeover

2009-08-01T16:09:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 6-20-08

After seeing the colors that were used in the past—blood red, apocalyptic purple, underwater aquamarine—this yellow isn't actually all that scary. If this color descended over the Manhattan skies, I would suggest heading to New Jersey, tout de suite. This may be one of a few times I would suggest going there. The other reasons being "cheaper, full-serve gas stations," and "tax-free clothing shopping."

While I'm okay with the background, the picture of the all-out spoonfest is a bit disturbing. Part of this is because I'm not nearly as touchy-feely with my friends as they are with each other. I get it, they're close. I just don't spoon my friends.

I wonder the circumstances at the photo shoot that made it stray from girl-boy-girl-boy-girl-boy. If your eye went from right-to-left, like mine did for whatever reason, then you see that it works that way until we get to Rachel and Monica.

Chandler, driven by guilt, replaces everything that was taken from the apartment. Why he didn't do this earlier is a bit of a mystery. True, he's probably buried in credit debt now, but you would think he would have slowly bought some essentials, before having a reason to get guilted into it.

I would say that if you're trying to avoid complete financial ruin, and you're filling an entire apartment, you should probably limit the microwave count to the number of kitchens. If you live in a big fancy place with multiple kitchens, then, yes, you would need multiple microwaves.

Call me old-fashioned, but I just don't see the need for two microwaves within two feet of each other.

The point's moot, because they later traded apartments with Monica and Rachel the boys won a bet. I've yet to find out what the microwave situation is now. Two apartments, three microwaves. Where's the extra one? I imagine they would have left the one mounted under the cabinets, but you never know.

By this time, George Pataki had served as governor of New York for three full years. Someone still loves Mario Cuomo immensely to make sure his poster stays up.

After finishing his box of Love That Crunch, Joey went out and bought the real stuff. Cap'n Crunch. Why not use the same box of Love That Crunch? We've already seen the box. Someone had to design it make one, and for what? So that they can just turn around and use a box available in any supermarket?

Monica and Rachel are also boosters of Quaker Oats, to the point where they proudly display the company's eponymous product. Come to think of it, I think that has always been there. I wonder what the connection between Warner Bros. and Quaker Oats is. I also wonder why it took me so long to realize it.

Quaker Oats doesn't have an outright stranglehold on product placement on Friends, because Yoo-hoo has been seen—granted, not as much as the end of Season Three. What's interesting—to me, anyway—is that Yoo-hoo was later sold to Cadbury-Schweppes, which for reasons made unclear, meant that Snapple was in charge of Yoo-hoo's marketing and advertising.

That wasn't until 2001, though. I don't think I've seen a Snapple commercial in five years. These were the people put in charge of marketing Yoo-hoo, a product for which I don't think I've seen a commercial for in twenty years.

Chandler likes it, though, so I guess it's cool.

On second thought, anyone living in a swank two-microwave apartment should know better not to leave with that kind of hairstyle.

After recently getting away with taking a cat into Central Perk, Phoebe ups the ante a bit and brings in a puppy. While, roughly the same size as a cat, puppies are more prone to crap whenever they feel the need.

The management does not bat an eye at the puppy being brought in, or at the idea of a crapping machine being brought in. Feces isn't a problem with Central Perk.

Nor is sleeping. You can just come in and fall asleep on the couch if you feel like it. You'd think this place would attract more hobos.

You can also wear a hat that has the word "BITCH" written on it. Families be damned.

I'm pretty sure there was a time when you couldn't say "bitch" on prime time TV. "Ass," too. Now you can. When did that change?

I'm not asking as one of those easily offended people who have the FCC on speed dial. I'm not one of those people who says "In my day, we didn't use that word, because we had respect."

Obviously things eased for a bit. Prime example, Charles Rocket got fired from Saturday Night Live in 1981 for saying "fuck." In 1997, Norm Macdonald said "fuck," and nothing happened.

That's different, that's SNL.

Point being, I want dates. Anyone know when it was okay to say "bitch" or "ass" on prime time TV? My guess: 1994. I have a good feeling about that year. I think 1994 was The Year of the Bitch Ass. Oddly enough, it was the Chinese Year of the Dog. If only it were to be recognized as the Year of the Female Mule elsewhere, that would be pretty cool.

Trading Spaces

2009-08-01T15:40:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 6-24-08

Ohh-ee-ohh that extra's dressed like Buddy Holly.
Ohh ohh, and I don't understa-and why...

Joey and Chandler have settled into their new apartment.

The ever-present box of Love That Crunch and the six-pack of Pilsner Urquell have made the move across the hall. I'm beginning to think that Chandler doesn't drink Pilsner Urquell, because that six-pack has been there for a long time, untouched. Maybe someone brought him the six-pack at a party at least two years back, and he just doesn't like it. Either that, or Chandler drinks it so often that he always has a six-pack on top of the fridge, and who knows how much in the fridge.

I'm not really buying that last theory, because we've never seen him with a bottle of the Pilsner Urquell. He might just keep the beer on the fridge, because the Yoo-hoo takes up so much space in the fridge.

Both microwaves were also moved. They didn't bother mounting one of them as it was in the other apartment. Speaking of the other apartment:

Hey, look, there it is. If you compare the picture from when the guys lived in this apartment, there is now a paper towel holder mounted where the microwave was. When the microwave was there, the paper towels were below the microwave. Someone, for some reason, raised the mounted paper towel holder what looks like less than a foot. It was on the tile, now it's above the tile.

Why would they do that? Again, I pose this question in both the fictional world and the real world. Why would Monica—I would assume Rachel would less apt to make changes like that—go through the trouble of drilling holes in the wall for a slight change in paper towel retrieval? Doesn't that leave the tile with holes in it?

And what about the set designers of the show? Did they really think it was necessary to move that? I mean, someone on the staff had to take down and remount a paper towel holder less than a foot. It just seems silly. Again, holes in the tile.

Now that the guys have the nice apartment, they're the ones who have to have the lamest party ever.

True, this was an impromptu party that was Rachel's clever rouse to keep the sitcom plodding along, so they weren't able to get the normal full roster of extras we've never seen before. Gunther's there, though. It's not a party unless Gunther is there. Take Gunther out of that picture, and it's the six friends, one of the friend's girlfriends, and a guy who one of the friends is trying to date. That's no party. Why else would they conceivably invite Gunther to their apartment?

For some reason, I had it in my head that Ross's British girlfriend, Emily, was played by Emily Mortimer, who was in Match Point, Lars and the Real Girl, and who played Jack Donaghy's one-time fiancée on 30 Rock. Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Emily is played by someone else—someone that I wouldn't recognize anywhere else.

And then there's Tate Donovan, another real-life boyfriend of an actress appearing in the show. Before Brad Pitt was with Angelina Jolie, he was with Jennifer Aniston, and before Jennifer Aniston was with Brad Pitt, she was with Tate Donovan, or Hercules. Not to put down Tate Donovan. Truth be told, I can't really stand Jolie. And I can watch SpaceCamp anytime.

I'd have to say, since the first season, the clothing had gotten less ridiculous. In fact, off the top of my head, I can't recall too many ridiculous uses of fabric. I'd think that as we got closer to modern times, there wouldn't be too many "what are they wearing?" instances. Then, in one swoop, Chandler proves me wrong.

I mean, 1998 doesn't really stick out in my mind as a particularly bad year for fashion. It was a great year for swing music, so it was a bad year for music, but I can't really say I remember that spilling over to fashion.

True story, the file name I gave to the first picture was "Goodlord.png," because that's what I said out loud when I saw that shirt. Just think, that file name could have been "Seriouslychandlerwtf.png."

Okay, let's give Chandler the benefit of the doubt. He just moved. Maybe he hasn't settled in yet, and his regular clothes are irretrievable, and he's been unable to get around to finding his non-silly clothing.

This is, however, unacceptable.

It looks like a regular polo shirt, right? Check out the logo. That's a Big Dogs shirt. I find it hard to believe that Chandler would ever step foot in a Big Dogs store. and it's even harder to fathom wanting to give this company any money.

I have a friend who, years ago, was dating someone who worked at a Big Dogs store. I was with him when he went to pick her up at work. We were early, so I had some time to look around.

I'm unable to take things from their Web site and post it here, but I can talk you through some items available.

For starters, there's a shirt that reads "While you were reading this...I farted."

This just makes me feel bad for the wife, girlfriend or mother of the person who is wearing this. Put the kybosh on this. You don't deserve to be seen in public with someone who would willingly wear this shirt in public. You deserve better. Either dump the shirt, or dump the guy. And if it's your son, and you can't get him to stop wearing it, then there's nothing I can really say except you're most probably raising your kid to be an asshole.

If it's undergarments you're interested in, how about a nice embroidered 100% cotton pair of boxes. On the leg is a portrait on a wall. Down the fly reads, "Well-Hung."

Yeah, Big Dogs is all about shit like that.

My point is that Big Dogs is very clear on who they're marketing to: ages 11-15, be it the customer is physically that age, or just stuck in that age well into adulthood.

While Chandler would definitely be classified as a man-child—as could most men, including myself—he's not a fart and dick humor man-child. He's more of a "have an ever-foosball table as a kitchen table" sort of man-child.

Phoebe, in her continuing quest to push the boundaries with Central Perk's management is through with bringing animals into the establishment, and has brought in loud disruptive instruments. True, she's brought in her guitar, even when she's not scheduled for a gig. Drums, seem to be a much bigger "Eff you" to patrons who want to enjoy a quiet night at the coffeehouse.

Unfortunately, I didn't get a wider shot, showing her play the drums, yet no one—NO ONE—turns around to see where the loud noises are coming from. I'm left to assume that the couch area is actually a sound-proof force field. People can enter and exit it easily, but when it comes to sound—no, wait, I'm remembering specific instances where people have overheard things through this theoretical sound wall. Nevermind.

To get rid of Janice, Chandler tells her that he will be moving to Yemen. That backfires, and she takes him to the airport, where we learn that his airline of choice is Yemen Express, and not Yemenia, the actual national airline of The Republic of Yemen. Of course, Yemenia doesn't actually fly to and from the U.S., but Yemen Express clearly does, otherwise why would they have a desk at JFK airport?

I wonder why Phoebe is holding the whole box of Nabisco Premium saltines. It would just seem easier to walk around with an individual sleeve. Less rummaging involved with that plan.

This is weird, only because they're not doing it yet. If they were doing it, this would make sense. I can't imagine sharing a chair with a plutonic female friend. Anyone walking into this room would see them and assume they're doing it. Not at that instant, but earlier that day, or will be later in the evening.

I can see this happening. Ross goes to the fridge. He looks past the soda and the purple stuff and goes right to the Sunny D.

Across the Hall and Across the Pond

2009-08-01T15:11:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 7-26-08

Well, the two microwaves have moved back to their original home, and that could only mean that apartments have switched back to normal. This occurred while Joey and Chandler were out at a sporting event. Assuming this particular game didn't go into overtime (it was either basketball or hockey...I can't remember) I'm going to put the maximum time of Joey and Chandler being out of their apartment at four hours. Figure they show up a little early to the game. The game lasts three hours. Since it was either a basketball game or a hockey game, that means that they were at Madison Square Garden, which means they didn't even need to leave Manhattan. Benefit of the doubt, maybe they get a drink or two after the game, okay, maybe five hours. I'll even give you six hours.

In those six hours, Monica and Rachel packed up their own apartment, packed up Joey and Chandler's apartment, switched them, and unpacked. Aside from the legal issues that may arise from this, there's also the "no way you two were able to do that in six hours" aspect of the whole process.

In addition to all of this, imagine, if you will, two women packing all of the belongings of two 20-something single men. That means that they discovered their porn collections, had to get over that, and then make executive decisions as to where those would go in the old apartments. How do these four people look each other in the eye after something like that?

They even went through the trouble of remounting the extra microwave. You would think, time being as short as it is, someone would say, "Ya know, they don't really need two microwaves. If they actually can't do without both of them, we'll come back tomorrow and mount this extra one. Of course, putting this microwave back means changing the paper towel holder's position, too."

I guess to make up for switching apartments without permission—which can't be all that legal—they bought the guys the real Cap'n Crunch, as opposed to the generic Love That Crunch.

Early one episode, a walking anachronism of an extra enters Central Perk. It's 1998, but the guy in green is all decked out for 1993. Isn't there anybody to screen these extras?

It was almost fitting, because very soon after, we find out that it's a clip show.

Yep, here we see a 1994 Rachel entering Central Perk straight from the wedding that she bolted from. The next 20 or so minutes allows us to relive the last four years of the Ross and Rachel...thing.

There's no word in the dictionary, English or any other language, that describe just how terrible clip shows are. I know little about television production, but a clip show, to me, seems like a cheap way to get an extra week off. By submitting a clip show, the people involved are admitting that they are assholes. That seems strong, but clip shows are very clearly an easy way out. "What should we do this week?" "Eff it, let's do a clip show. We'll write five minutes of material, and we'll get some intern go through all of the archives to get any relevant clips from the past 90-something episodes. Phew! That was tough. I'm famished, let's get lunch."

So the loyal fans who read in the TV listings that that week's episode was new were disappointed.
Years later, someone who sat down just in time to catch an episode on syndication realizes that it's a clip show, and they just saw these some of these clips within the past month.
And the people who are going through the series on Netflix see that the disc they just got has six episodes, when in reality, it has 5.2 new episodes, and four-fifths of one episode is material that they just saw very recently.

Seriously, any true fan of a show is familiar doesn't need to rehash, and anyone not familiar with the backstory covered in a clip show wouldn't care about seeing the old stuff.

So, my open plea to whomever is out there listening. Stop making clip shows. We hate them.

If I had to salvage something from this clip show, it's the fact that we finally learn the physical address of the building where 67% of where the friends live.

Which apparently doesn't actually exist. They live on the corner of Bedford & Grove—even though the building shown in the exterior shots don't have the terrace that Monica and Rachel have—but if you type the address into Google Maps, they get you about a block or two away from that intersection. I mean, clearly, they'd use a fake address. There are a lot of crazies out there, and I wouldn't want my address to be used on some show. I mean most intelligent people know that it's a fictional show, but still...lots of crazies.

Joey and Chandler are in a doctor's waiting room when Chandler notices someone he wants to pick up. She picks up a copy of Cruising World. What kind of person reads Cruising World magazine? Well, boat enthusiasts, I suppose. A quick search tells me that this magazine doesn't actually exist. Some schnook in the props department had to make a fake magazine for a single-episode character to pick up in one scene. This is unlike in Season One when Ross was seen reading a fake anthropology magazine, because it's been established that that's the kind of magazine he would read. If you're going to make a fake magazine for a throwaway character, then why not make it something more general? Or something that won't make you wonder what kind of doctor's office this is that it's waiting room would carry such a specific genre magazine. Why not have her read a newspaper?

They could use some of the wasted manpower making a fake issue of Cruising World, and put that into producing a nonclip show episode.

So, Ross is getting married...again. I smell two-parter sweeps sensation with a cliffhanger.

But don't worry. As shown here, the opening credits shows clips to the episode you're about to see. Every major plot point that could be expressed visually is covered in the opening. Yes, even the biggest nonspoken "shocker" of the episode.

So, if you hadn't seen this episode, or any episode after this yet—I don't know, maybe you've been living in a cave—the whole Chandler & Monica thing was kind of ruined for you.

I should note that this shot was taken from the opening credits, and not from this part from the actual episode. Unfortunately, there's no way of proving this, because when this clip was shown, there wasn't any actual credits flashing on the screen. You'll just have to take my word for it.

So, Chandler and Monica did it, even though just one year prior, Monica clearly stated that it would never happen between the two of them. But he wore him down.

But who could really blame Monica?

After getting out of the shower, Chandler is sure to put on his bathrobe and his socks. Socks? Really, Chandler?

Well, it's a sweeps two-parter that takes place in England. We're going to need some British guest stars. Like:

Jennifer Saunders and what's his name McFamiliar Face playing Ross' soon-to-be parents-in-law.

And Hugh Laurie, an actor now known for playing an American doctor.

And then there's Richard Branson. What is billionaire Richard Branson doing playing a souvenir vendor on some American sitcom?

Oh, to remind everyone of Virgin Atlantic's presence.

Meanwhile, in New York, a very pregnant Phoebe is unable to go to the wedding, so she sticks around at Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why? Phoebe has an apartment of her own. There's no reason for her to be lurking around their apartment while they're out of the country. It's not like they have a pet that needs to be watched, and even so, you shouldn't make a very pregnant woman walk your dog, and you definitely shouldn't have her clean a litter box. Is she watching their apartment? Who's watching her apartment? She has said in the past that she lives with her grandmother, but she hasn't mentioned her in a while, and the actress who played her, Audra Lindley, died in the fall of '97.

I guess the original intention was that Rachel was going to watch over her while everyone was away. But she skipped town, leaving her extremely pregnant friend alone in her apartment. I hope Phoebe drank milk straight from the carton for stranding her there alone.

However, if you notice their phone managed to survive the entire season. It's odd that the phone that was broken late last season was not only fixed, but it was also the first phone in the show's four-year history to not be inexplicably replaced for more than one year.

Sweet Lady Niacin

2009-08-01T14:42:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 7-30-08

Really, the commercial thing has nothing to do with Friends. It's not like I follow the '97-'98 season with a commercial from that year. I wouldn't even know how to do that.

I figured a post about a commercial would be a good way to break up the seasons. Also fitting, since it's a blog about a TV show.

The whole thing started when I found that British Colgate commercial on YouTube. That commercial just blew my mind that I had to comment about it on the Internet—because that's what people do now. It just so happened, I was finishing Season One around that time, so it kind of worked out.

In the past, the commercials had nothing to do with the show. This time, I'm doing it differently.

I looked, feverishly, for this commercial. By that, I mean I spent about 15 minutes looking for it. Really, that's a long time to look for an old commercial on the Internet. If YouTube doesn't have it, and RetroJunk doesn't have it, you're pretty much out of luck. A Google search came up with nothing, so we're going to have to settle for this crappy quality that is the result of someone videotaping a TV showing it.

I remember seeing this commercial during the '80s, and even as a kid, I knew that it was very outdated. The people who posted it on YouTube say it's from 1989, but that might just mean that it was still airing in 1989, which is really sad for everyone involved. This commercial very clearly predates the Reagan Administration.

First off, look at the Coke can. Coke stopped using that can design in 1985, with the whole New Coke fiasco. It has also been a long time since Pepsi and 7Up used those cans.

Wait a minute, is 7 Up still around? I mean the whole "Make 7 Up Yours" campaign was within the past decade, but I can't remember the last time I actually saw someone drinking 7 Up. I don't really frequent soda aisles, so I don't really know.

People order 7 & 7 (Seagrams 7 and 7 Up), but is that really 7Up? It could be Sprite for all we know. Can anyone really tell the difference, especially with whiskey thrown in there? And why would a bar that has 7Up, a Pepsi product, have also have Coke? Maybe bars work differently than other establishments.

Don't think I was going to have a tirade about 7Up without addressing the fact that Canada Dry has been thrown in there. Not only was this commercial from a time when Canada Dry had red and black cans (well before anytime I can remember) this was also supposedly a time when Canada Dry was considered a force to be reckoned with in the soft drink industry for Yoo-hoo to take aim at it and lump it together with Coke and Pepsi.

There's also the fact that those hairstyles scream '70s.

I wonder why they would continue to run this commercial well into the '80s.

I also wonder why they couldn't seven kids to pop on screen to say "Yoo-hoo." They have six, but they've slapped some deep-voiced college kid right in the middle, as if no one would notice.

Does 99% Caffeine Free mean 1% Caffeine?

In looking for this commercial, I found that tons of people have made their own Yoo-hoo commercials. In fact, if you were to search "yoohoo commercial" on YouTube, you'd find maybe 2 actual commercials, the rest are fake. It's almost as if making a Yoo-hoo commercial is the high school equivalent of making a diorama in elementary school. Everyone has to do it at one time or another. A lot of them weren't very good either.

Not like the real one above is wonderful.

The Crumbling Marriage

2009-08-01T14:12:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 8-7-09

At first glance, it seems that whomever has given up at finding new colors.

"Aww, jeez. We've already had to come up with four different colors. Let's just repeat them."

Actually, the Season 5 is a bit brighter. More vivid. Still, they could have gone with something other than "a different kind of purple."

Season 5 begins with Ross saying Rachel's name at the altar, and the rest of the wedding. At this point, I'm beginning to wonder if they tape the season finale and the next season's premiere at the same time. They had to be able to secure the same guest stars, not that Jennifer Saunders is Britain's busiest television personality. Also, the characters' hair aren't that much different.

He's still sporting the ridiculous reddish hair.

Chandler gets back from London and cuts his hair. Ross does the opposite.

See, bigger than his wedding.

If this is the case, then how do they keep the studio audience about next year's premiere all summer long? At least I think that's a studio audience. I mean have you heard them? Every time someone kisses for the first time, it's a solid 5 seconds of screaming. It's the world's most irritating sitcom studio audience. It's probably the worst part of the show. It's one thing for a bunch of real people reacting idiotically to this sort of thing, you're just led to believe that they're idiots and they can't help it. If all of that is a laugh track, then the people who produced the laugh track should be locked in a room.

My original point? How do they keep the audience from telling people what happens? True, this is before the days when any jackass with a MacBook and a Gmail account could easily take advantage push button publishing. True, this is before the days of MacBooks, Gmail, and blogs, but you know what I'm saying. These people didn't want plot points getting out. I guess now, ten years after the fact, is not the time to think about that sort of thing.

Back to the wedding, although everyone in London is sporting the same outfits and haircuts as the last episode, Phoebe found it necessary to change her outfit midday on the day of the wedding. I thought about it, with the time change and everything, but it still doesn't really make sense. There's only a five-hour difference, so it's not like the ceremony and reception (when this phone call to Emily's mother was being made) was two different days on New York time.

Wait a minute!

Phoebe gets pregnant in January. Only being four-months pregnant in May, she should be able to fly to London. If not, then she seems to have spent April through October in her third trimester. I know my knowledge of pregnancy may be lacking, and that Lisa Kudrow actually was pregnant at this time, so you have to take that into account.

In the general scheme of things, it's nice that they kept the pregnancy to an actual nine months. Some shows do the season finale "I'm pregnant" cliffhanger, and then the baby is born next May for sweeps. One-year pregnancy, what? I'm looking at you, Mad About You.

So, Phoebe gave birth to her half-brother's triplets, and gives a touching talk about how she can't wait to be in their lives.

I'm pretty sure this is the last time we see these kids. Storyline-wise, Phoebe is constantly getting the shaft. That's too bad, because she is, by far, the most interesting character. She's just comic relief, which just proves the oft-made point: homeless teens are funny.

Secret boyfriend or not, the hyper-anal-retentive Monica would not allow anyone—anyone—to dance her her coffee table. She really is selective about her hangups. She later confronts Chandler about this, but not necessarily for the dancing on the table, per se. It's more about the dancing. The standing on the table is okay. Since when?

Now that Monica is the secret girlfriend, you would think that she would take this opportunity to rein Chandler in. She would force feed him rules like "no dancing/standing on the coffee table," or a rule I'm quite fond of: Enough of the goddamn vests already.

Monica drops the ball on nipping this habit in the bud, and as a result, the vests-a-continue.

Notice in this picture a "Reserved" sign is mounted on the napkin dispenser and lords over the table. I guess this is a clever way of explaining why a comfy chair, the couch, its corresponding table and the table adjacent to it is always available. But as we've discovered in the past with the smoking, the bringing in animals, making a ruckus, etc. Central Perk doesn't really observe any of its rules. I'm guessing the other regular patrons have yet to discover this, otherwise they would blatantly ignore this sign.

True, there was the one time when the area was taken, but once in four years (so far)? Astronomically unlikely.

So Ross is stressed out about the whole "wife being pissed because he said another name at the altar" thing. He tries to make himself better by drinking the "_epto Bismol." Ya know, if you don't have the rights to that first 'P,' then why have him put the bottle down so that the label is facing the camera. You could just put a plain label around a clear bottle with thick pink liquid, everyone would get what it is. I mean, I have Equate Maximum Strength Stomach Relief in my medicine cabinet. Same shaped bottle, same color liquid. It's the same stuff. Very recognizable. This logo even has the outline of a giant 'P' in the background. Why would a product named "_epto Bismol" have a...uh, forget it.

Either way, Ross shouldn't down that stuff so exuberantly. He's just asking for black stool.

Excuse me for pigeon-holing, but I would have to say that Ross, supposedly, is the "intelligent" one. Which is not to say the others are unintelligent, but if I had a general question about life, the universe and everything, I would go to Ross first. However, when Rachel gets a bloody nose, her first instinct is to put her head back. Ross does not stop her.

For as long as I could remember, this was not the thing to do. I remember it being explained that "they don't do that anymore," which leads me to assume that they did do it that way at one time, but they stopped. I don't know when that was. Let me tell you, as someone who used to regularly get nosebleeds, dipping your head back just causes the blood to go down your throat. "Unpleasant" would be one word to describe that the feeling of ingesting your own blood. "Also kinda gross" would be another three.

For some reason, I would expect Ross to know the proper procedure for a nosebleed. Apply pressure—or ice, if possible—to the bridge of the nose, and just wait it out. When all else fails, jam some tissue up the nostril.

I would actually be concerned, if I were Rachel's. This isolated nose bleed has lasted long enough for her to finish her drink at Central Perk, and then go up to her apartment to read. We've never seen her get a nosebleed before, and this seems to be a big one. Not just a big one, this is a two-nostril deal. I don't think I've ever bled out of both nostrils at the same time. However, if blood is coming out of both nostrils at once, that makes me think that the source of the bleeding is not actually in the nose, but somewhere above it. Like, maybe the brain? I'm no doctor, but if I start bleeding from both nostrils and I wasn't just struck in the face with a blunt object, my first response would be unadulterated panic.

I have to be honest, I didn't originally take this screenshot to relay my concern for Rachel's health regarding the long-lasting, double-nostriled nosebleed. It was to point out Architectural Digest.

"What is Rachel doing reading this fake magazine devoted to architecture?" I was going to ask. Then I was going to follow up with something to the tune of, "What the hell?"

Well, as it turns out, Architectural Digest really is a real magazine. So some props guy didn't have to make up some fake magazine prop for a few seconds of screen time.

Not only that, despite the name, Architectural Digest isn't about architecture. It's about interior design. So, this actually is a magazine that Rachel could be reading while she waits for her nosebleed to take its course.

This may be bad screenshooting on my end. The backstory here is that Monica and Chandler had planned a secret late night date. To establish the time, the shot opens with Chandler standing in the kitchen near a large-display digital clock that clearly reads "3:02."

We know why they, the makers, put that clock there. They needed a quick way to establish the time. But why is there, really, a digital clock on their kitchen table? There was never one before, and we don't see it later. There are already two clocks in the vicinity...the two microwaves, why do they need another one? That's just another clock to change during the whole daylight savings time. It doesn't even seem worth it to put a digital clock there temporarily. Not that setting a digital clock is the most difficult, time-consuming activity out there, but let's face it, it's not something you do unless you need to.

Really, the worst part of a blackout isn't the "What the hell am I going to do without electricity?" factor. It's, "Great, now I have to reset every single clock in my place."

Looking back at the New York's 1998 Gubernatorial Election, I guess it now makes sense that Democratic nominee Peter Vallone only received 33% of the vote. The Mario Cuomo poster is still up, yet no posters for Vallone. Cuomo was good, and all, but let it go. He's not coming back.

What's more distressing is the fact that every shot of someone walking outside seems to take place right across the street from Central Perk. You would think with Manhattan being Manhattan, there's more things to do and more places to go.

Fun fact, about the 1998 Gubernatorial Election in New York (as if the name of the loser wasn't "fun" enough) "Grandpa" Al Lewis ran for governor of New York as well for the Green Party. I even signed a petition to get him on the ballot. Not that I'm a big Grandpa Munster fan, nor do I believe that I think playing the Munsters' patriarch should automatically qualify you to public office.

Flashbacks & Sweaters

2009-08-01T13:44:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 8-8-08

I'm not keeping a very close count of who has a history of being a worse dresser, Chandler or Joey. It's been pretty neck and neck. I'm not counting the outfits Chandler wears in the flashbacks where the joke is clearly, "Oh, look, Chandler is wearing an outfit from 19xx, and it's funny," which I will get to later. First there's Joey. What the hell is he wearing here?

I mean besides the turkey.

Most people look at this picture and see a turkey on a guy's head. I see this picture, and I see a turkey on the head of some guy wearing yet another leather vest. Granted, this is 1992, but he's not wearing that vest as a 'look how funny it is, it's 1992, and he's wearing a leather vest' joke. The joke is the turkey, little to no attention is supposed to be paid to the vest. I really think that we should notice the vest. The sad part is that this probably is a good representation of 1992, for Joey anyway, and I want to point this out that this was a big mistake. The early nineties were a bad time for fashion, we, as a society, should not go through a retro early-nineties phase. Joey's leather vest is a prime example why.

Thanksgiving flashbacks continue, and we're whisked away to Long Island, NY in 1987. I've mentioned how I hate the studio audience—hopefully real—of this show. Monica comes out in fat suit, and it's all laughs. I'm not quite sure why, because 1) fat suits aren't funny, and 2) if you're in the studio audience of Friends, then you're probably pretty familiar with the characters' histories. Monica was fat in high school. You've heard the jokes, you've seen the prom video. Seeing her in a fat suit shouldn't be a surprise, so there's no reason to laugh because, like I said, fat suits aren't funny.

That is, if, it actually was a studio audience. This is a question I posed in the last post, and I seem to be concentrating pretty deeply on it here as well, but not enough to actually look into it.

In walk college roommates Ross and Chandler. I notice whenever we see these two in the '80s, the show seems to take a Wedding Singer approach of hitting you over the head with a mallet several times to let you know that it's the '80s. This includes not necessarily getting all of the references specific to the year it's supposed to take place, because apparently, everything in the '80s all became popular at once, maintained its grip on society for a solid decade, until its acclaim came tumbling down with the Berlin Wall.

Take, for example, Chandler's Flock of Seagulls hair. Evidently, there is no other way to illustrate the fact that it's the '80s except for giving at least one character Flock of Seagulls hair. Again, I point to The Wedding Singer.

As if any airline would allow an employee to help customers with that haircut, regardless of the year.

Back to Chandler and Ross. Yes, mention the fact that they're in a band. They're in a band, it's the '80s, clearly Flock of Seagulls hair is necessary. Too bad Flock of Seagulls had already been broken up for over a year at this point, and I'm going to go out on a limb by saying that the hairstyles they sported around '82 and '83 probably weren't being ridden out until the band broke up.

Ross' Members Only jacket brings up a similar issue. Those things were big around '81 and then they became a joke. C'mon, people weren't wearing Hypercolor shirts in 1998, why make someone wear a Members Only jacket in 1987?

Another flashback to the following year. The guys are dressed out of Miami Vice. Again, seems a little off, but at least that show was still being aired in 1988. It was in its last season, and its popularity was waning. I'd say people who were late to adopt fads would probably be just catching on to the Miami Vice craze at this time, so I guess it kind of makes sense for them to be all decked out like Crockett and Stubbs.

A couple of interesting things about these two flashbacks: Before this episode, Rachel and Chandler supposedly met in '93—a year before she was supposed to get married—in the episode that took place a year before the pilot. They met at the bar that is now Central Perk. I'm pretty sure they hooked up. If you have two Thanksgiving dinners with someone, one of those times, your friend accidentally severs that person's toe, you would probably remember him, like, five years later, right?

Also, by the time this Thanksgiving rolls around, Monica has lost all of her weight. (I kind of wish I took a picture of that, because it would have come in handy at this point.) She had overheard Chandler calling her fat the previous year, and that pushes her to lose the weight. That's a lot of weight to lose in a year.

It was actually less than a year, because if you remember Monica and Rachel's prom video, which took place between the two Thanksgivings, she's still in the "hilarious" fat suit. So, she lost all of that weight somewhere between May and November, which sounds really unhealthy. No Freshmen Fifteen for her, I suppose.

Chandler says that he has a long history of having bad Thanksgivings. We flashback to 1978 to see Thanksgiving with the Bings. Thanksgiving was bad for him that year because he found out that his father—wordlessly sitting there, not defending himself from Morgan Fairchild's barbs, with his back to us to hide the fact that he could later be played by Kathleen Turner—was leaving with the houseboy.

Phoebe, the former homeless teen whose "mother" committed suicide, is unable to come up with a Thanksgiving worse than that. Those Thanksgivings spent on the street were apparently better.

She does tell a story from a past life. In Thanksgiving of 1862, while serving as a nurse on a Civil War battlefield, she gets her arm blown off. Okay, that's bad. Except Thanksgiving wasn't an official holiday celebrated every year until 1863. Before that, it was kind of sporadic. Some presidents didn't even call for its celebration. In 1815, James Madison declared two Thanksgivings, in celebration of winning the War of 1812. Neither of those Thanksgivings were in the fall. For a while, some states in the South didn't even celebrate it at all, because it was thought to be a product of Puritanic bigotry. One thing slaveholders couldn't stand was bigotry. Governors would declare Thanksgivings, but they didn't really coincide with other states.

With the South out of the picture, Lincoln was able to make Thanksgiving a federal holiday, celebrated on the same day across the country. This was back when the Republican Party didn't give a crap about individual states' rights. Republicans today need to remember this when they call their party "The party of Lincoln."

So not only did past life Phoebe have one less arm, she wasn't getting a good delicious meal later that day, because it wasn't even a holiday.

But Phoebe always gets in the holiday spirit. Here she is, loudly ringing her Christmas donation collection bell in Central Perk. No one seems to mind, and we all know she's not going to get kicked out for causing a ruckus.

Joey gets into the spirit of New Year's Eve by wearing a hideously ugly sweater.

Here's a party at Monica and Rachel's, and one element is missing. Gunther. It used to not be a party without Gunther, and now he's getting the shaft. True, Rachel hasn't worked there in years, but Gunther still gives these guys preferential treatment at Central Perk. Does that mean nothing?

Joey, apparently, doesn't need an occasion to wear an ugly sweater. Any day can be Ugly Sweater Day to Joey. I thought I had a picture of him wearing this same sweater two seasons ago, but no. It turns out that was very, very similar, but it wasn't the same. Maybe he has all of these sweaters because that's what all of his sisters give him for birthdays and Christmas. I can't really imagine someone walking into a store and purchasing this for themselves, unless it was some kind of joke being played on society, or maybe the person really hated himself.

Joey is later seen eating a bucket of chicken from an establishment called "Finger Lickin' Chicken," a chain of fried chicken restaurants that puts the face of Colonel Sanders on their bucket. It's not KFC, it's FLC. There's a difference.

We see a cardboard bucket held by Joey, we assume it's chicken. Especially after he says, "I'm going to eat some chicken." Don't doctor a KFC bucket. That's just silly.

Apparently, Monica brought back Virgin Cola back from her trip to London. I'm not really making fun of her here. As someone who once stockpiled some Mello Yello while on a trip to Nashville (mailing some to a friend as well), I have no room to talk. I used to know a guy from North Carolina, and I look forward to his trips. Some would look forward to the cheap cigarettes he would bring back. I loved the Sun Drop; which is like Mello Yello—only trashier, if you could imagine such a thing. You know what was a bad lemon-lime soda? Surge. I remember people were giving away cans on my college campus. I couldn't even finish one can. Later, when someone offered one to me, I responded, "Please, no!"

While I'm less of a soda drinker nowadays, I'm curious to know what Virgin Cola tastes like. It was brought here in 2005 (by Richard Branson, not Monica), but it flopped.

Phoebe's grandmother finally passed away. I'm not saying that in a "that old broad really stuck around" sort of way, but as in "the actress that played her actually died 16 months earlier." Bob Balaban is introduced as Phoebe's father, and I think this is the last time we see him.

So, even though she has established contact with both of her birth parents, we don't actually see them again. Maybe it explains how we may never see her triplets again. Phoebe just isn't family-oriented—although she does drop by her awful twin sister's place, occasionally. Either she's not family-oriented, or having her family would ruin the comedy goldmine that the writers have discovered in the "former homeless teen orphan" angle.

Knowing That They Know You Know, and etc.

2009-08-01T13:15:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 8-18-08

By pointing out favorite episodes, I'm kind of getting away with the purpose of this blog. That said, The One Where Everyone Finds Out is probably one of my favorite episodes of the entire series. I should say that the first two-thirds is my probably my favorite, but I'll get into that in a bit.

The episode itself is pretty well-written, as zany farces go.

It was during this episode where I discovered something interesting with the subtitles.

First of all, there's too many commas in the English (and the Spanish) subtitles. It should really say, "Doing it, doing it, phone doing it," meaning that phone sex was involved. That comma takes phone sex out of the equation. It just means that Monica was speaking on the phone, which isn't all that amusing—especially now that they've stopped changing phones as frequently. While this is not important and beside the point I'm trying to make, it should be noted.

However, the point at hand; I took five years of Spanish and two years in French in high school, and haven't put together more than two sentences at a time in either language since then. This means, if needed, I could speak very basic, very broken, and very hesitant phrases. If someone is speaking to me, forget it. But, if I'm reading it, I can get the gist of it.

The gist tells me that the French are kind of getting screwed out of a joke. The joke here is that Phoebe is asking Rachel a list of things, and Rachel answers each item on the list rapid fire.

In Spanish, she literally (according to Babel Fish) says "Doing it, telephone, doing it." They lose a "doing it," but whatever.

In French, it's "They were doing it. Same on the phone." I don't know, I guess that's funny. I just think "Le faisant, le faisant, téléphone le faisant," would be funnier.

That's not the only time that happens.

In Spanish, it looks like a pretty straight translation, and it is. In French, it doesn't look like it has the same feel.

In French, she says something like "They don't know that we know too." Again, the funny thing in the sentence is that Joey is supposed to be confused by it because you really need to stop and think about what she's saying to realize that she's right. If that sentence confuses French Joey, then French Joey makes American Joey look like a brain trust. French Phoebe should, instead, say, "Ils ne savent pas que nous savons ils savent que nous savons." That's the kind of thing that should confuse French Joey.

So, that was all in the first two-thirds of the episode. Then it turns into an annoying screamfest for the studio audience. The clever rouse between Phoebe and Chandler escalate, as does the screaming, and then they kiss.

SCREAM!

Then Chandler announces that he's in love with Monica.

scream

Monica comes out of hiding.
"Really?"
"Yeah."

SCREEEEEEAM!

Shut the hell up, you morons. These are not real people.

Ugh, so irritating.

Also, in this episode, we get a pretty clear view of the fourth wall in Monica and Rachel's apartment. The apartment looks much smaller from Ugly Naked Guy/Ross' apartment.

In fact, the whole building looks different from every possible angle.

From Ross' place, it's a red brick building.

From down the block, it's beige bricks with no terrace, as I've probably noted before. I'm guessing there's a rational explanation for all of this that involves quantum physics, and is therefore over my head.

Emily's voice appears on an answering machine, which isn't all that odd. What's odd is how they give her credit. "Special Guest Caller," like this is an edition of Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me.

I bet Emily wouldn't get Carl Kasell's voice on her answering machine. She would probably suck at "Bluff the Listner."

I can't really speak for Helen Baxendale, though. I know very little about her.

Ross' new place is pretty neat. How bad could it be? The guy who plays Stanford Blatch (Willie Garson) from Sex & the City lives across the hallway. What's funny is that I just saw him in Groundhog Day playing the weatherman who stands in for Bill Murray's character while he goes to cover the groundhog. In glancing at his filmography, you learn that he also plays a frat guy in The Adventures of Ford Fairlaine, which is hard to imagine. Almost as hard to imagine as me actually sitting down to watch The Adventures of Ford Fairlaine. He also plays Lee Harvey Oswald in an episode of Quantum Leap. I remember that episode.

Wow, I'm getting way off subject.

During the first season, I made mention of the fact that there was some controversy in Friends because there were no black characters. There was one in the first season, and I thought, "Where's the controversy?" Well, since then, there haven't been too many black characters. I could probably count them all on one hand, even after suffering a horrible accident with a thresher. There certainly haven't been any recurring black characters yet.

I think the script called for a sassy black furniture saleswoman, and that's why they cast the nurse from Scrubs. I guess "sassy white furniture saleswoman" wouldn't get the job done. I just thought I'd note it, since I think she's the only black actor to get at least one line of dialogue this season.

Michael Rappaport play Phoebe's cop boyfriend. This was before The War at Home, so it's okay to like him here.

But I don't like him as much as I like...

Soleil Moon Frye, who appears as Joey's girlfriend who keeps hitting Joey. I admittedly have been harboring a crush on Frye since about 1985, when she was Punky Brewster. What red-blooded American elementary school-aged boy didn't have a crush on Punky Brewster in 1985? I mean really. Here, she proves that she's just as adorable. More so, because she's not forced to say things like "gross-a-roo."

And you really can't blame her for hitting Joey. Look at that sweater he's wearing. Seriously, Joey Tribbiani is the Cliff Huxtable of the 1990s, yet when you think of the sweaters, you think "Bill Cosby." Maybe it's because Cosby's sweaters were a bit on the ugly side, but for the most part, interesting, while Joey's sweaters are interesting in a "how interesting someone would get paid to produce a sweater so ugly" sort of way.

If I were to do an SAT-style analogy, I'd say:
Cliff Huxtable : sweaters :: Chandler Bing : ties

Monica seems to be wearing a "Neighborhoodie." I say "seems," because I don't remember neighborhoodies being a thing at this time. I know that when I was living in Philadelphia a few years later, it was a brief thing. It was a hooded sweatshirt that had the name of your neighborhood on it. I guess maybe it was a thing in New York a few years before it hit Philadelphia, but I find it hard to believe that a trend would take that long to go down the New Jersey Turnpike.

I also find it hard to believe that Monica would really wear a Harlem Neighborhoodie, being that she doesn't live in Harlem.

She's not representing her neighborhood. She's representing her liberal white guilt.

But enough about what people are wearing. What are people eating?

HEEZ-I, apparently. A name like that just says "delicious snacks." It sells itself.

Sometimes they cut to scenes around Manhattan. Not to establish the fact that they're in this particular place at that time, but to remind the viewers that this really does, indeed, take place in Manhattan.

The Jumbo Screen at Times Square is advertising Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. "Coming in November," the ad says. If you wanted, or needed, proof that all of those exterior in between shots were all shot at once when they were filming the first season, there you go. An advertisement for a movie that came out in November of '94.

Also in this shot; while it's never mentioned, it's evident that Chandler and Joey get caught up in the toy fad of the year. They each have their own Furby. I can't really see either one of them sitting down and teaching a Furby English.

That just seems like a lot of patience. Patience that Joey don't have, and patience that Chandler doesn't have time to have.

In case you're curious, "yoo?" means, "Why won't you play with me today?" in Furbish. Finally, a toy that guilts! That's what I'd want. A toy that demands regular attention. I have to say, unless it's able to carry on my genetic material, or at the very least purrs and meows, I really don't want to be tied to it long-term

Also, I can't find how to say "They don't know we know they know we know" in Furbish.

Some Questions Answered

2009-08-01T12:46:00.000-06:00

Originally Posted 8-28-08

As we head into the homestretch of Season Five, Phoebe's relationship with her boyfriend, Gary, is getting pretty serious. Of course it is. He's been in four episodes spanning 2 1/2 months. Just a month earlier, he wasn't at Rachel's surprise party, nor was there any mention of him. I don't know, it just seems like if things are getting serious, he would be at the party.

However, they still seem to be getting serious enough to talk about moving in. I think it's not a good idea. Not to gloat, but I turn out to be right.

After spending the night at Gary's, Phoebe wakes up to the sound of a bird singing. Gary shoots it. Phoebe thinks this is a good reason to dump him. I agree. I imagine soon after this, he has to resign from the force, as I'm pretty sure the NYPD doesn't allow its officers to shoot their guns around willy-nilly. At the very least, I'm sure it's frowned upon. There would be constant gunfire which I can't help but worry that that could lead to bigger problems.

Nor do they recommend closing your eyes while shooting a gun. It's only a matter of time before he shoots somebody. Accidentally, one would hope.

(This is hardly a flattering picture of Michael Rappaport, by the way,)

Phoebe consoles herself by reading what appears to be a fake magazine. I can't seem to find any Today's Collectibles, nor can I imagine Phoebe reading it, unless it happened to be sitting at the table when she sat down. If that were the case, she probably would have put it down by now.

With Monica out of town, Rachel is enjoying the apartment to herself. She had the apartment to herself when Monica went away for a "conference," a few months earlier, but Phoebe puts it in her head this time that Rachel can enjoy the empty place by walking around naked. For someone who is initially self-conscious about being naked in the apartment, she doesn't seem to think twice about dancing naked in front of the gigantic uncovered window. Put it together Rachel, you were able to see Ugly Naked Guy, and one-way mirrors aren't involved.

Ross, of course, sees this. I didn't take the shot to show that Ross saw it. Of course he saw it, how else would the plot go further?

I wanted to note the phrenology bust on his desk. That's pretty cool. I want one.

An episode or two earlier, Rachel gets a hairless cat, which I didn't get a shot of for whatever reason. Now, this isn't the first time the gang had exposure to a cat. A few years ago, Phoebe kept a cat because she thought that it was a reincarnation of her grandmother—paternal, I'm guessing.

No one seemed allergic.

Monica, however, is allergic to the hypo-allergenic cat. I don't know if this was a throwaway joke that they were going for, because she only sneezed once throughout the entire episode. I mean it could have been mildly amusing for them to develop a joke that Monica was allergic to a cat that it was impossible to be allergic to. That could have worked. Instead, it just turned into a "oh, this might develop into something," and then it ends up not, but most people watching had probably forgotten about it already by the time the episode ended.

Here's an establishing shot outside Central Perk. A little clue to the audience that the next scene is going to take place in Central Perk. It's a busy Manhattan sidewalk, bustling with activity. I'm not sure why, but my attention went right to the mailman. I think it added an unnecessary realness to the shot. You have the couple talking (actually, their body language is confusing. They seem to be just platonic friends, but they seem to be standing too close for that), the guy passing behind the gal—they seem like they're not together, not even a platonically—the mother with the baby, and then you have the mailman. Yes, yes, yes. You add the mailman, and it becomes very Penny Lane, but it kind of seems like getting someone to show up in a mailman's uniform seems a bit much for a two-second shot. Why not get the extra to show up in whatever he wore that day?

Maybe he's actually a mailman, and he did show in what he wore that day.

I realize I invested too much thought into this, but later in the same episode (taking place on another day), it pays off.

Look at that! Everyone in the same outfits, in the same positions, or moving in the same direction. It's almost as if it's the same exact shot being recycled, except that the mother and her infant are not there. Now, had that extra not been wearing the mailman uniform, I wouldn't have noticed that. I wouldn't have taken the first shot and spent a few seconds checking it out before continuing the show only to find that the same extras in the same outfits were being used.

Funny how their need to create a realistic "slice of life" scene only ended up illustrating just how unrealistic the scene is.

Now, I understand that little clips like these are probably all filmed at once. You can probably spend a few hours in one day to get enough of these shots to last you at least a season. You could very easily recycle the same shots throughout the season, and no one would notice, as long as the shots themselves are inconspicuous. For all I know, they've been doing this the whole time. I just happened to catch the mailman, and the same mailman again.

Speaking of extras, check out the conehead in the background.

Also in Vegas, Thomas Lennon is playing a casino dealer who turns out to be Joey's identical hand twin. This is a post-The State and Viva Variety Lennon, but pre-Reno 911.

The special features for this season take a bit of a turn. There used to be some sort of trivia game and some lame thing sort of hosted by Gunther where you can access a bunch of clips organized by character. Thankfully, they've gotten rid of that. But don't cry for Gunther, now he hosts "Gunther Spills the Beans," a teaser to next season. It's weird, because Gunther is talking about things that are about to happen in Season Six, as if the feature was filmed at some point in the summer of 1999. Of course, this was before DVDs were as widely accessible to the mass market, so complete seasons of a series were not available the September before the next season, as they are now. This feature was filmed a few years later, so it's funny to see him carrying on as if no one knows what's going to happen.

What I found interesting was the behind the scenes feature. It showed everything that went into filming the Season Six premiere. If only because it seemed to answer all of the questions I've been asking throughout the season.

Do they film the season opener right after the season finale and then take a break to minimize any discontinuity with hairstyles and tans, or do they film it after the summer and not tell people not to make any changes?
It's done after the summer. Yep.

Is there a laugh track or is there really a studio audience?
Studio audience.

So all of the screaming is real?
Unfortunately. In fact, there was one part where they showed someone in post-production removing the laugh from one joke and replacing it with a shorter one because it ran too long and over the next line. Which leads me to believe that they would have to do the same for the screaming.

Wow, exactly how irritating are these people?
Pretty irritating. In fact the whole filming process seems pretty hellish to have to witness, and would probably attract a who's who among irritating humans. It takes about 5 hours for one episode. They keep the audience amused during rewrites, scene changes, etc. with wacky games and the like. One clip showed the audience dancing along to YMCA. Seriously, YMCA!

They later showed audience members talking about the show and these are not people I'd want to spend time with anytime soon. They're the kinds of people who break into a rendition of I'll Be There For You. They're the type of people that would start screaming when two fictional characters start kissing.

Interestingly enough, some of the crew members broke out into I'll Be There For You at one point in the feature. I would think that they would be absolutely sick of that song. I know I can't stand it anymore.