Sandalgal's World

Love Me Tonight & Tomorrow

2011-04-14T10:27:00.001-04:00

Spend time with me tonight

Come to bed with me

Lay down crisp sheets

Rest your head 'bout my soft breasts

Just be with me

Rest without distraction

Caress my body with your touch

Spoil me with sweet words

And love me with your hands

Sleep softly, holding me

Until faint sunlight breaks

Across naked flesh and twisted sheets

Wake with me to face the day

Telling me you love me

And you'll be here always.

Feelings

2011-01-28T09:50:00.000-05:00

Race, race, race

No end in sight

Over analyzing

Over thinking

Confused—

Don’t know what

To feel, to say

To be

I just am.

Lost in a sea

Of thought

Of time

Of longing

Regret – no

Dismay – yes

Something is broken

I just don’t know

What it is

The hands on the clock

The beat of a heart?

No – none of these

But what?

I question

I find no answers

And I yearn for them

I want them

Though I wait

Nothing seems to come

I suppose a longer time

Must have to pass

Before I understand

But what must I

Undergo in this time?

Can my heart take it?

Yes, my heart is strong

My love even more

I just feel changes

And I know it’s

Just a valley

But right now

It seems so deep

Locked in winter

Locked in sleep.

What pains me most

Is the space between

The gap that lingers

On this long road

I just don’t understand

I don’t want

To be second

Though I don’t always

Need to be first

Why this conundrum?

Why these thoughts?

I never second guess

Nor do I now –

But I wonder

Why the space

That seems to linger?

I feel an absence

I don’t know

As to why

But it lingers

Nonetheless

In those few gentle moments

It doesn’t matter much

But in others

It feels so deep.

Maybe I feel too much

Maybe I am wrong

As so often

I seem to find myself,

But perhaps,

No – wrong

Waiting is the answer

Waiting is the key

I must wait

What else can I do?

So steadfast my heart

Beat gently

Beat slowly

Beat deeply

Hold to the precious

Few moments

And live through the space

Keep busy

Beep quiet

Hold true to your course

You know where it leads

And this

Among all things

Shall pass –

To Everyone Out There

2011-01-12T11:13:00.000-05:00

Hey all! I am currently waiting for my lovely beau to finish www.sandalgal.com which will become my online portfolio and writing base. As of right now, I am currently working on a few other projects also which will be combined into that site also like sandalgal.drupalgardens.com. There I am working on my Weight Watchers journey and I will post stuff like that on my website upon completion - date TBD of course.

My manuscript is in an editing phase and the goal this year is to submit it for publication. Stay tuned for edits of old poems and the new and improved copy - I'm really excited about all of this.

You know how to reach me - sandalgal@gmail.com or @sandalgal on twitter.

Tschüß!

For @webkenny

2010-06-29T11:04:00.005-04:00

When my mind turns
To thoughts of you
Me heart smiles.
To enjoy a few moments
By your side
Is worth more to me
Than a hundred diamonds,
Because those moment
Though however few they may be,
Are the sweetest moments of my day.
I would trade a thousand days
To wake up one morning
Inside your arms.

Who you are
Makes my heart wish so
And everything within me
Wants to be with you always
Whether you are sleeping
Or awake where I can see your smile.
To be with you
Is the greatest honor I have
To love you
Is my greatest privilege
And to be a part of your world
Is a dream come true---

Ugh...that's the only title I can think of...

2010-06-11T00:07:00.005-04:00

Late at night, when I find myself alone with only my thoughts and the occasional purring cat wanting attention, I wonder about so many things. There is a lot of my mind lately. You would think in these late hours that I would find some sort of solace but I haven't really found any lately. I don't know where I am going and I feel really lost and stuck where I am. Things aren't going as smoothly as I would have hoped. I wanted a new job by now, I wanted so many things by now but they haven't really happened. Maybe there is some divine plan at work but I can't really see it all that well at the moment. I just don't know what to think. I haven't really written anything in a while and I want to but I don't really have it in me to write. Which, is itself, a very strange thing. As I am writing at the moment, it is more a segment of thoughts than really writing. I feel behind in everything. I know that I have a lot of work to do at my job but I find myself so apathetic and disinterested that I can't stay in that little 'Dilbert' world more than an hour without getting antsy. I really don't know how I am going to get out of it either. It seems as if the job market it stuffed with applications and only a few jobs. I don't want to be stuck in a job where I work autonomously either any more because that's just not me, I really need people.

So I guess this is where I am, stuck and lost. Will things change? Yes, they are going to have to because I refuse to sit on a plateau of any sort or become stagnant. I also am going to have to move soon and things are going to be different around where I am living at the moment because the dynamic is changing. Sadly but yet probably for the best. Things weren't exactly what I expected but they could have been a lot worse. All things considered, I am ready for my own space of some sort. Ready to have something to call my own. Ready for a home.

I think that is what has unsettled me the most, the fact that I feel as if I don't have a place to call home anymore. While I do sleep here, I just don't honestly find it my space or a home that I can call my own. I just feel unsettled and on egg shells, which is probably just my fault but I don't know what, if anything, could have eased that feeling. So that's what I am ready for, a home. A new beginning that is all my own and on my own terms without having impositions or anything of that nature upon me.

4 Months - Continued

2010-05-20T10:15:00.002-04:00

I just feel like a mess. I don't know how to make it better. I should be over this - it shouldn't feel so raw like it does. I guess it hurts worse because I gave up everything to come up here. All my friends, all my support to come up here and take care of my dad. But then again, I don't feel very lovable right now. I feel damaged and I don't understand how anyone could love me right now.

Mother Teresa said "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I don't understand this because if you love so much it hurts so much more. I wish I could understand this but I just don't. It doesn't seem possible to me right now.

I don't feel right, I want to run away from the pain, run away from it all and forget - but that will never happen. Not because I'm scared but because I am through with running away from things. Things have never been easy for me, I don't know why I thought things in my life were going to be right now. Here I am karma - where the heck are you??? Isn't it my turn to have the other side fo the whell and get some good fortune in my life?

4 Months

2010-05-20T08:54:00.002-04:00

It’s been 4 months. Time flies. It’s been 4 months. It still feels like yesterday.

I thought I was getting better. I thought I was healing. I thought that it would fade. I thought wrong. I’m still damaged. Still not whole. I don’t think it’s fair. With father’s day coming up, I keep trying to avoid the card stores. I don’t want to have to even think about it. I wanted to think it was all a bad dream or something. I don’t know what to do to help ease this pain. I am sick of living with this hole inside of me and so sick of having to deal with the pain. All things considered, I shouldn’t have to do this alone but that’s where I am, the only one who can take care of this. The one left with all the strings to weave back together.

My sister texted me and reminded me of what today was – 4 months. She’s hurting. She’s hurting and there is nothing that I can do about it. My brother won’t even talk about it. How am I supposed to fix it when I can’t even be there for them? How can I fix it for them when I am still a mess about it emotionally?

Stupid thing about cancer – leaves you reeling with no answers. No apologies. No more tomorrows.

Coffee Manifesto

2010-05-14T11:07:00.004-04:00

When it becomes necessary for one to demonstrate the rights to a good cup of percolated coffee (herby known under various names) a manifesto must be created for we know that all coffee was not created equal and by right, we have the choice to indulge ourselves in whatever fashion we like. The following truths are upheld by those who form resistance to the conformity supported by the masses:

1. Decaffeinated coffee is not real coffee and shall never be served to unsuspecting parties disguised as real coffee. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Anyone caught doing so is subject to physical repercussions caused by lack of caffeine intake from the afflicted party. (Exceptions will be made at the afflicted’s discretion)

2. One kind of coffee is not suitable for all, therefore multiple selections must be provided. The average cup o’ Joe to barely keep America running is hereby banned.

3. The international conspiracy regarding coffee as been discovered and should hereby be dissolved. All the Communist Pots should be destroyed…

The French can no longer be fussy about their roast!
The Columbians must free the blend!
The Arabians must percolate correctly!
As for the British…we refuse your tea!

Thus we hereby refuse to settle for the average cup of Joe that is ‘brewed’ to keep us weak and unable to work. We demand the best! Hear our cry: Free Joe! Joe for Industry!

~ Viva La Coffee ~

Perspective

2010-05-05T10:11:00.001-04:00

Either you can focus on what you have or what you don’t have – it’s about the way that you look at things. I have to keep telling myself this as I struggle with the fact that my birthday is coming up. Struggle? Yeah, you read it right. I’m struggling with the fact that this will be the first birthday that I won’t have my father around to celebrate with, struggling with the fact that it is going to be hard not to have another birthday card or phone call. It’s hard. It hurts. I don’t think I can even express it adequately. But instead of focusing on the pain that I feel because of this, I’m trying to focus on what I do have. I have a loving and wonderful boyfriend, a few wonderful friends and other things to celebrate with. I’ve been a little irritable the past few days, just because there has been so much on my heart and I have anticipated this week with such uncertainty.

But back to perspective – before I digress further into misgivings. I am going to look at the rest of this week as positively as possible. Things could be a lot worse and I am very thankful for what I have. I think that it’s human nature within us that wants more. Don’t get me wrong, I have all that I need – but all that I want? No. What is it that leaves us wanting more when all of our needs are met? I think it’s lack of perspective. It’s not all about me. It’s not as bad as it seems. One of my favorite phrases (ask anyone) is ‘it could be worse’ and that’s very true most of the time. But when you’re going through hard times, that doesn’t make things any easier.

It’s been a crappy week with computer failure, sickness, stress, pain, aggravation, bad news and so many other things. I was being a bit of a princess about some things and I called myself out on it last night. I kept getting aggravated that it’s MY birthday week and EVERYTHING bad is happening. If birthdays are SO special, then why does this week suck? – In complete and total princess mode. I don’t get this way very often but I had to snap out of it. I know it’s due to the fact that I have been dealing with a lot and am stressed to boot about things. I don’t show it very well on the outside and I can act like everything is okay, even when I am a complete mess. I mastered that a long time ago – not that it’s healthy, it’s just the way it is. I hate it at times. There’s a lot going on with me right now, I’m just kind of a jumble and I need to work on my own perspective.

Birthday Thoughts

2010-05-02T22:00:00.003-04:00

Birthdays weren’t really a big thing for me for a long time. When I was younger, birthdays were okay but in middle school and high school it wasn’t anything at all. College made them special again for me when Joanna brought me a cake and made sure that people were there to celebrate with me. It was special again. Last year was not a fun birthday. On the day I turned 23, I was at the hospital bringing my father to appointments. Looking back on it, I guess I could have had a worse day but this year I am very grateful that I do not have to spend it in the hospital again and that I get to spend it with someone very special. That means the world to me: more than any gift, above all, I love the gift of time. So here’s to a good birthday week ahead and a good birthday in general. 24 looks bright and welcoming, here's to May 7th.

My Song

2010-04-28T21:50:00.003-04:00

My song is one of sorrow
Of heartache and loss
With deep notes of pain.

My song is one of love
Of romance and pleasure
With perfect echoes of harmony.

My song is one of change
Of twists and turns
With silences and peaks.

My song is one of anger
Of rages and passions
With sharp chords of fury.

My song is one of joy
Of highs and melodies
With lyrics filled with harmony.

My song is one of my own
Of my own voice and heart
With the window into my soul.

Waking Up With You

2010-04-28T10:22:00.002-04:00

There is no place
That I would rather be
When the sun comes up
Then next to you
Listening to you breathe softly
Hearing your heartbeat
As I move closer.
To hold my body
Close to yours
Beneath the sheets
Generating comforting warmth.
Slipping in and out of sleep
Only to find you’re still there
Next to me
Sleeping away peacefully
And I’m in my own
Little piece of heaven.

For @Anokas13

2010-04-28T08:43:00.001-04:00

When you walk
Be careful where you trod
Watch your feet
Hold your head up high.
Ignore the buzz of problems
Dismiss the wind of despair
Keep on your path
Slow and steady, step by step,
You'll reach the peak of your mountain
Before you know it.
Though the trees above
May blot out the sunlight
And bring your spirits down
Notice how the leaves are not perfect
They let light filter through
To guide you on your way.
Though there seems to be silence
Listen closer -
Hear the birds sing
And the crickets chirp
Along with the rustle of the fox
Each one, reminding you,
That you are not alone.
The path is rough
Full of rocks, steep slopes
No one said the climb through the woods
Would be easy
But every step is worth it
Every ounce of energy a victory
This is your battle,
This is your struggle
Know the goal is high
But the reward is sweet
Like climbing a peak to see
The sun set over the world.

---------

Written just for @Anokas13

Life, spring...change?

2010-04-26T10:42:00.004-04:00

With every step
A quiet victory
And with each breath
A simple definace.
Treading onward
Ignoring the fatality
Ignoring the futility
Dancing all the same
Regardless of the mist
Chasing our hearts
Robbing our flesh
Killing us slowly.
The dance is what matters
It's always what mattered
Some people only live to die
But others live to dance...

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” - Abraham Lincoln

If I have learned anything in the past 3 months it is that nothing is permanent and you never know what is around the corner. If you had told me 3 years ago that my father was going to die from cancer, I would probably have laughed at you. It's amazing how perspective changes so quickly and so greatly. I've been thinking about the above quote a lot lately. I don't know exactly why but I know it has a lot to do with a corner that I am turning soon.
I'm am actually looking forward to my 24th birthday here in a little bit. I think that it will be a good year, a year of healing and a year of new beginnings. I am trying to consider it my spring.

Life In Your Years

2010-04-26T10:33:00.000-04:00

Untitled Lament

2010-04-23T10:10:00.001-04:00

When the song
Is drowned out by sorrow
And the pain
Screams louder than reason
I find myself searching
Searching for that haven
Where rest comes easy
And sleep comes swiftly
Upon the wings of dragonflies
And the echoes of the wind.
When it aches
When it seems though
I can take no more,
I search, search for refuge
From the internal storm
In the starry sky
And the passing cloud
But each moment is fleeting
Passing into darkness
And restating the anguish.
I find no solace for
More than a moment
If each day should get better
Why does my heart break so?
Could I not find peace
In one breath of air
Or flying bird?
Alas my grief does covet
All my energy and attention
Though I know not how to weep.

Burnt

2010-04-21T10:19:00.001-04:00

You know what its like when every part of your body hurts and you're sore all over? That's how my heart feels right now. I'm so raw and I thought that it was starting to get better. I thought I was begining to heal but I guess not, still feels like an open bleeding wound. I don't want to go to this memorial service or rememberance service. I don't want to have to deal with doing the estate any longer. I don't want to have to do this anymore. I want to run away from this pain because I'm sick of it creeping up on me. I'm sick of the tears that come and go, the ones that soak my pillow at night, the ones that feel like fire on my face. I just feel so raw some days.

Yesterday was hard, it was 3 months yesterday. I was alone. I had a rough day. And I broke down before I could go to sleep. I didn't feel any better after crying. I feel like everyone expects me to be over this and I just can't be, I don't know how to be. I am going on with my life but my heart still hurts. It aches and doesn't seem whole. I don't think that I will feel whole again for a long time. I felt like I was going to be okay two weeks ago but now I just feel broken. I don't think I could handle another blow right now without just completely breaking down emotionally.

On top of all that, my boyfriend is in San Francisco for a week at a conference and I haven't seen him since 5am saturday morning. We've barely talked on top of that. So who cares if he is just three thousand miles away, it feels like a million miles away. When he gets back I won't be seeing him until Friday night probably. Since we started dating, we haven't gone more than 2 days without seeing eachother, so a break in the routine really sends me reeling.

I guess everything is just hard right now, there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait through it. I'm sick of just sitting on the side. Sick of all this, I need a vacation.

About Me

2010-04-21T08:29:00.003-04:00

So I was asked if there was a list about me or something about me in general and I realized there was not really anything about me written anywhere except my facebook profile and even that was a little stark. Thus I embarked on writing this list about me; you can thank @spreadingJoy for the inspiration.

1. I am an absolute sucker for a good horror novel, Stephen King in particular.

2. I don’t watch all that much television nor many movies but I am a complete sucker for cheap/horribly made disaster flicks. You know those ones that run on SyFy all day and you can buy at Walmart in a five pack? Yeah . . .

3. I absolutely love people. I’m not in a position where I work with a lot of people at the moment but I love being around people and meeting new people.

4. If I had to choose only one thing to have in my life, for the rest of my life, it would be a family. I cannot wait to be a mother and a wife. If there is one thing that I can be good at – that’s what I want it to be.

5. I hate talking on the phone. I will email, text, twitter, facebook, talk in person etc. but there is something so impersonal about the telephone that I can’t get over.

6. I’ve never been to Florida – ever.

7. My ultimate goal in life is to be a published writer. I love to write and do it in one way or another every day.

8. I absolutely hate hot cereal – oatmeal, mapo, grits – you name it, I can’t stand it. I don’t like bananas either (I know I’m weird).

9. Behind the wheel I change into a completely different person. I hate people who cannot drive. Gas is on the right, get on it or get over! (AKA Road Rage Schizophrenia)

10. I can make a nickel spend like a dime. I have a knack for getting deals anywhere and everywhere. I coupon and can sniff out a discount lots of places…need help with an online deal? I can probably make that happen if you give me some time. (I’m just sayin’)

11. My worst fear is drowning – I won’t swim in the ocean at all, rapids scare me but I will swim and am a very strong swimmer. I still go to the beach often though.

12. I read a lot, anything and everything.

13. Too much caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. (Like I said, I’m weird)

14. I’m a diehard Yankees fan in the middle of Red Sox nation…I’m a fanatic regarding my boys. Nothing comes between me and Yankees baseball…seriously you should see my twitter feed on game days.

15. I can cook just about anything and am very good at it. I can provide samples for your approval.

16. I am quiet to some extent and won’t waste words; I never say anything that I don’t mean.

17. I enjoy being in the background for the most part and helping people climb higher and supporting them. There are times when I want the spotlight but those are few and far between.

18. I love musicals – I like performing in them even more! (yes, I can sing, I just don’t do it very often)

19. I am named after Tegan Jovanka a character in Dr. Who (the original)

20. I like to organize and make sure that things are in proper order BUT my room and my Jeep are ALWAYS a mess because they are my dumping grounds. (Don’t judge me! LOL)

21. I have a thing for pens . . . if I like them, I buy them and I will try one if it looks cool. I have LOTS of pens.

22. My parents always told me that my middle name was ‘Grace’ because I absolutely have none in most situations. I have been known to walk into walls, doors, trip, fall and spill just about anything and everything.

23. Without my contacts/glasses I’m blind as a bat.

24. I keep a design book where I pick out furnishings for my dream home and clip things to put into it. My dream house is a log cabin on about 100 acres of hardwood with a lake or stream with a large garden and a few meadows.

25. I love my cat but I’m a dog person. I want a black lab and a great dane. I hate small dogs, they bother me and I’m always afraid that I am going to step on them or kick them accidentally.

I suppose I will update this as I go along . . . but here's a basic list for now!

Miss You

2010-04-19T14:05:00.001-04:00

Waking up reaching
No one is there
Just cold empty sheets
Another dream
Another night alone
I miss you
I search for your scent
On my sheets and pillows
But I can’t find it
It’s faded away
I search for a part you left behind
But there isn’t anything
Except for me.
Something’s missing
The space in between
The morning snuggle
The welcoming warmth
It’s not right
Nothing’s right
When I have to start the day
Without you beside me…

Untitled Journey Poem

2010-04-15T15:19:00.001-04:00

And if all the splendid were to fall
Upon the downtrodden earth
Would not it be wasted in everyday life?
Would it not become a part of complacency?
Taken for granted on the paths we walk
Perhaps this is why suffering exists in such great magnitude
So that we are reminded
Nay, privileged when the splendid comes our way.

No one promised us ease on our journey
No one said the water would not be bitter
But the journey, not the path is the goal
That is perfectly attainable
If we wade through the swamps of suffering
To the small patches of splendid
Our feet will dry quickly in the sun
As long as we remember not to get bogged down
In the depths of our pain and troubles.

If our trials are like briars that scratch and braise the skin
We must remember that like nature time heals our skin
Light from within can warm like the sun
As long as we remember to keep it vibrant at all times
We must look for the sun through the rain
Shield ourselves from the wind to hold firm
But more than that, we must keep moving
Only mosquitoes can thrive in stagnant water.

Untitled...

2010-04-15T14:40:00.002-04:00

Being away from you brings darkness
But the love I hold for you in my heart
Shines a path for my feet
And that path always leads me back to you.

Sometimes I think you are my moon
And I am the ocean
Your rise and fall controls my ebb and flow
You are the perfect half to my equation.

Balancing Together

2010-04-15T14:07:00.001-04:00

To all your motivation
I will be your perseverance
To your confidence
I will be the silent strength

To my silent ways
You will be my voice
To my patience
You will be the spur of action.

Together we can face life
Hand in hand
Using one other’s strengths
To carry through anything.

I Love You

2010-04-15T14:06:00.001-04:00

You are all I need
Everything I could ever want
You aren’t perfect
Who is?
I’m certainly not
But I don’t expect you to be
You’re perfect for me.

Until my last breath
I will love you
With all that is within me
I make no promises
That I don’t plan on keeping
You make me better
You make me whole
I hope you feel the same.

Fearful

2010-03-26T11:36:00.001-04:00

I’m scared
But I can’t let it control me
If it is, it is
But it will break me
Are you looking at me
Or in the rearview mirror?
Will the focus change
When you see what you left behind?
I’m sure it’s childish
I’m sure I’m wrong
But I can’t help but think
What will happen when or if
She is right in front of you
Will you follow again?
Time only tells…

Love Dancing

2010-03-24T11:44:00.002-04:00

Ups and downs, twists and turns,
Are we in some kind of dance?
Swaying here with you, my partner
Along this road of our journey
That serves as our dance floor
I can’t help but note different steps
Sometimes we’re in sync
Other times we dance differently
But we never let go
Our bodies may drift apart
But we never let go
We’re always holding on
To one another
It’s the only way we can keep
Our balance while we dance together.