Champagne's Bare Reality

School Spins....Bullying and Disrespect by Teachers in Our Schools

2011-11-30T08:57:00.000-05:00

Over and over, when bullying is being discussed, I hear a lot of talk about it being a result of the assailant having been bullied him/herself by peers in school or having had a dysfunctional home life. Nothing is ever said about how bullying and disrespect dished out by teachers could be playing a part in this problem. High school kids have attempted to expose the problem by filming it using cellphones but, rather than addressing the behavior that has been recorded, schools and the media seem to focus on the 'problem' of cellphones in the classroom. Don't get me wrong, said recordings often exhibited outrageous actions by one or more students and the use of cellphones in the classroom has become a bonafide issue. However, what happens to cause children to be so emboldened and why is there no focus on the deficiency in classroom handling skills when it is exposed?

While I know that there are many wonderful, capable and well-meaning teachers in our school system, I believe there may be an equal number of baggage-laden, incompetent and mean-spirited ones. The latter is found at all levels of the school system (JK, onwards) and we are forced to entrust our children to them. Children who are exposed to the vitriol and disrespect dished to them by these individuals are bound to pass it on in the playground. Further, I'm betting that such children account for a high number of those who, by the time they reach high school, are confrontational and prone to disrespecting both teachers and peers.

I'm not saying that teachers are the sole problem, I'm saying there needs to be acknowledgment that teachers are sometimes part of the problem and this needs to be monitored and eradicated from our classrooms. There are teachers who employ sarcasm, yell at children, embarass them, ignore them, show favoritism or punish all for the transgressions of one or a few. They criticize children publicly, intimidate them, punish them without impartiality and even speak over them when a child is trying to explain his/her actions. I've said it before, certification is not another word for competence and we need to get a system in place that rewards competence and creativity - perhaps this would motivate the others to improve their classroom handling skills.

Can you imagine, in this day and age, an elementary school-aged child being told by a teacher that she expects him to fail High School and amount to nothing? This happened to a classmate of one of my boys towards the end of Grade 6, last school year, and not only was it said but, it was said in front of the whole class. How about a teacher yelling at a child that if his head was not attached to him, he would lose it too - this happened in my daughter's 4th grade class.

If a child is exposed to this kind of thing (directed at him/her or at others) regularly, and this is combined with issues faced at home as well as exposure to other children's challenges, how can it not contribute to bullying? Some of the stories that I've been told about things said or done to other children has been awful and makes our family's experiences look mild in comparison however, our experiences have caused me to be very wary, so I take no teacher at face value anymore. Is it a wonder that more and more moms are having to put on their battle face to attend parent/teacher meetings? Can you afford not to? And, when you hear the phrase, "If you're not talking to your children, someone else is", does it ever occur to you that that someone could be a teacher?

I would encourage you to listen to your children, ask questions, trust them; compare notes with other parents and be their hero (we want them to be self-sufficient but this is not an even playing field). We don't have to resort to intimidation ourselves but we can let teachers know that we're aware of what's going on in the classroom and this may give them pause for thought.

Lastly, for the children's sake, please don't live such an insular life that you don't concern yourself with the problems of other people's children. The child you ignore may be the adult you meet on a dark street or whose help you need in the future. The "Village" can be revived and it's wonderful when it's fully functioning. Much Love.

PEELING THE GRAPE...The Talk

2009-12-23T20:24:00.012-05:00

I'm the proud mother of a 19 year old girl and twin 14 year old boys. I'm surprised and concerned at the similarity in the challenges they are all facing, in spite of the fact that there is a 5 year difference between my daughter and the boys. However, I realize that all I can do (at this point), is watch, listen and hunt out opportunities for discussion and education. I lay no pretense to being an expert in this field but I'm dogged in my pursuit of teachable moments and committed to doing whatever I need to do to get the job done.

Now, we live in suburbia in a beautiful neighbourhood that is predominantly Caucasian (this for those who fool themselves that what I'm relating to you is only typical of inner city kids or only among black children). This having been said, I shall begin:

I began using correct body part terminology with my daughter when she was about 3 years old because she had begun asking questions about the differences between boys and girls having seen me change the diaper of a friend's little boy. When she was 4, I became pregnant with my boys and she began pressing for information as to how the babies got into my "tummy" and, how they were going to come out. I remembered reading somewhere that the average child would indicate when they had received as much information as they were ready to handle, so I took my cue from that keeping in mind what I knew of my own child.

I seem to recall telling her that mommy and daddy made love and that the babies were a result of that act. This satisfied her at the time but, as my belly grew, so did her curiosity as to how the babies were going to come out and how they would know that it was time to come out. This was a bit tougher. I wanted to be honest with her but, I was on very uncertain ground. Fortunately, I had begun watching a Discovery Channel program that documented the lives of several couples from the conception of their child to delivery. I recorded one of the episodes and showed her a little at a time, explaining things to her as the questions came. Her reaction to the birthing was stuff like, "Did you cry when I came out?" and, "Those babies are really loud". I pointed out to her how happy the parents were and she marched off armed with all the information she needed at the time. There were no more questions until it was time for her brothers to be born and those dealt with how I was going to feed two babies (piece of cake having discussed delivery).

All three kids have been surrounded by sexual innuendo, sexual activity and horrible name-calling usually directed at girls for the last few years. With the boys I found that while I was able to delay detailed information, (in spite of one them being told to go kiss a girl, "like in sex movies", in Grade 1); things got "hairy" very quickly. In Grade 3, a classmate began regaling them with tales of what had happened in episodes of "Sex and the City". Since then, I've been having "The Talk" with them, about quarterly, in the hope that I could prevent or head off any garbage from gaining a toehold in their minds.

These talks don’t really get any easier to have, but each time I give them more advanced information based on what I have gathered is going on around them and get some feedback in return. In this area, I consider myself fortunate and as they speak pretty openly with and around me and their openness provides plenty of opportunity for teachable moments.

Conversations usually start off slow with the boys going, "Oh mom, not again", they progress to lively discussion and end up with us just about rolling on the ground with laughter and/or me with tears rolling down my face. This last time, the focus was on sexual activity as kids in their (then Grade 7) and Grade 8 have been talking about what they do, who they've done it with and who they are going to do next.

We began with discussion of the names that they hear girls being called and graduated to talking about things that elicited lots of, "Ooh that's gross" and "That can happen?". My daughter, eavesdropping in the Family Room, announced what we were doing (having "The Talk") as her Facebook status and hilarity broke out on her page. She later showed it to me and though many of the responses were funny, I was a bit sad to note that the responses indicated that the majority of the kids contributing had never had, "The Talk", or if they had, wistfully noted that it had not consisted of much. Chalk one up for me.

My talk with the boys ended with me stating my opinion sex is probably the most lied about subject among men (isn't it?). I told them to be assured that guys will engage in lies, about when they lost their virginity; how many times; who they've done it with; the size of their penis; how long they can go, etc. I also told them that, should they ever feel they're missing out on something to keep in mind what I've told them (hopefully not for voicing) and to feel secure in the knowledge that it's only right to wait until... 1) "You're married", chimed up Twin B or... 2) "You have a job so you can support a child and you're confident that you would like the girl to be permanent in your life", chimed Twin A. I let the conversation rest at that, knowing that we still have lots more talking to do but feeling like they had been, "topped up", as appropriate.

Three days later, Twin A shared a story with me; he said he was in a group of kids chatting and a Grade 8 boy joined the group and kept indicating that he had something to tell him. Since Twin A was making a point of ignoring the attention seeking behaviour, the Grade 8 boy stated aloud that he'd gotten laid last night. My son's response was to say, "You know, your hand doesn't count, eeuw!".

"Well", I said to my son, "That was one way of handling it, I guess" and we then discussed other ways he might have dealt with it.

You see, this type of thing is one of the reasons why we need to have "The Talk" over and over and over again.

PEELING THE GRAPE...My First Post

2009-11-28T12:42:00.022-05:00

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog. I'm sure that doing this is somewhat self-indulgent but, I shall endeavour to make it worth your while. This is my first venture into the world of blogging and, I suppose like many before me, I'm hoping to create healthy discussion within the readership and contribute to making a positive impact on society. If my opinions or verbiage upsets you, I hope you will express your feelings in a constructive and polite manner.

So..., apart from trying to figure out how to make this page useful or interesting, my first dilemma was to whom should I open this blog and how much of myself to reveal. Did I want people to be able to identify me? If so, should I restrict my content to protect my family? Does it matter if noone wants to read what I have to say? What to do, what to do? I guess I'll have to work it out as I go.

It occurred to me today that my anxieties have the potential to completely take over my life. There's a part of me that is strong, capable and resilient and that side has brought me through a lot of turmoil in my life. But lately, the child in me is surfacing too often and, through her, I think I have an inkling as to how people can get to a point where they are actually afraid to leave their homes or interract with others. I am finding it very difficult to shut things out - if someone walks by me with a cane, I almost seem to feel their pain, if someone tells me a problem, I take on the worry and try to solve it for them. This may seem wonderful and empathic, and it could be, but I realize that the level at which these things are affecting me is neither normal nor healthy. This may have occurred as a result of increased stress(caused by health issues, the death of a number of friends/co-workers, the struggles of friends and acquaintainces to survive in the current economic environment, helping one my of sons cope with a working memory deficit and a growing discontent with some aspects of my life).

Further, in my work environment, I communicate with thousands of people from many different walks of life and it's rarely in their proudest moments. I do my best to make contact with me a pleasurable part of their day but, of course, we can only control our behaviour and it is inevitable that we run into people who seem determined to be unpleasant.

Now, I believe we all live in our own little communal bubbles (i.e., we tend to maintain relationships with people who are generally like us). As a result of this, we may lose a certain sense of how different other people's lives and lifestyles are, and that their, ' normal', could be diametrically opposed to ours. While these differences make life and people interesting, when I am confronted with certain differences (such as people who seem to walk around angry all the time or lead a life filled with violence), I am fearful for myself and for the future of my children who will be completely exposed to such people in due course. This is a battle that I, like so many others, face every day - trying to deal with our personal demons while bringing up our children to be loving, capable, contributing and well-adjusted members of society. I wonder, how do you handle things? What techniques do you use to cope or to help your family? Do you feel like you're winning the war?

On The Vine...Upcoming Postings

2009-11-25T13:54:00.001-05:00

Giggles...Tender moments and things I find funny

Surface Tension...

The Cork...

The Cage...

In The Glass...