Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Talking Your Relationship to Death

2009-11-11T01:00:00-08:00

Are you addicted to relationship talk: “Where are we in this relationship? I feel I need a commitment from you. We need to talk.” If your relationship is dying a slow death by talking about it ad nausea, learn how to stop talking about your life and start living it.

Constant discussion is an addiction. This has nothing to do with the actual relationship.
- Constantly talking about the relationship becomes a substitute for actually living one.
- Constant discussion is an addiction and keeps you anesthetized.
- When you stay focused in your head, rather than your heart, you are always one step away from connecting.

Stop calling family and friends to gain consensus for your point of view.
- Are you doing this? Be really honest with yourself.
- When you are always giving your point of view and have the need for someone to agree with you, this has nothing to do with feeling right and all to do with wanting to be right.
- Gaining consensus for your point of view is all about the ego. The truth is you feel bad and are looking for the person on the other end of the phone to make you feel good. This is simply a momentary high and will not last very long before you have to pick up the phone and call someone else.

Do you feel rejected if you do not get the answer you want from your partner?
- Is it okay to discuss differing points of view and not be invested in getting the other person to see it your way? Can you be with someone who sees it differently than you do?
- This does not mean you put up with behavior that is disrespectful or objectionable, but rather that you do not “try” and change someone else.
- People change because they want to change. Simply express how you feel and see what the other person does.

Do you need to know where your partner is all the time?
- Constant “relationship” talk is always about insecurity and often results in having to know where your partner is at every minute.
- This behavior is very unattractive and ultimately will destroy the relationship.
- Look at your cell phone. Do you call your “partner” more than once a day just to check-in? How do you feel when you can’t get through?

Do you get anxious when you think of being alone?
- If you cannot be alone, cannot enjoy your own company, you can never have a healthy relationship.
- The ability to be alone is probably the most important factor in having a successful relationship.
- If you do not like your own company and cannot be alone, you will constantly talk rather than face that fear.

The Invitation

2009-11-09T01:00:00-08:00

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by Harper San Francisco, 1999, All rights reserved

Cell Phone Etiquette

2009-11-04T01:00:00-08:00

Are you addicted to your cell phone? If you have a closer relationship with your cell phone than you do with most people in your life, learn why breaking the cell phone addiction is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Do family and friends complain about your constant cell phone use? Pay attention to what they are saying.

Last year I walked out of a lunch date with a person who would not get off his cell phone. After attempting several times to get him to realize that constantly answering the phone and talking while I was sitting in front of him was inconsiderate, I got up from the table, told him I was going and wished him a good lunch. Not that I was there to teach him a lesson, but I’m sure it was a lunch he will always remember.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to consciously drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time? Get on line and start reading the studies. Putting down the phone is not just an opportunity to spend more quality time with people you love and care about; it is an opportunity to stay alive.
I personally do not drive as a passenger with a person who is constantly on the phone. I like my life and want to stay in one piece as long as possible.

Do you feel anxious when you forget your phone or can’t get to a call?

Do you feel disconnected from the world when you leave your phone at home?
Can you drive from point A to point B without having a phone with you?
Are you one of those people who call back phone numbers you see on your caller ID even when you don’t know who called you, so afraid you are going to miss one call? I hate to say it, but that’s really bad!!pathetic.

Do you answer your phone at meals and social times? This is bad manners and unattractive.

When I go out with someone, I leave my phone turned off or in the car.
If I am expecting an important call, I say so beforehand and let the other person know that is the only reason I would answer the phone.
Spending time with another person is about connecting. If you want to talk on the phone, stay home.

Does a ringing phone make you feel important? Do you talk just to talk?

Be honest. Do you feel important every time your phone rings?
It is not hard to amass a group of people who have nothing to do all day but phone and text.
Remember – constant chatter is not the same as a life of substance. Actually, it is quite the opposite.

Are you ever able to turn your phone off? Try it for one day.

Want to know if you have a problem? Turn the phone off and leave it at home. How do you feel?
Be aware of your anxiety, how out of sorts you feel.
These feelings are wrecking havoc in your life whether or not you are aware of them.

Be Courageous - Stop the Abuse

2009-11-02T01:00:00-08:00

Are you being verbally and emotionally abused and are you finally getting tired of it? NOW is the time to stop the abuse and take your power back.

Stop making excuses. If something feels bad, it usually is.

We KNOW when something feels bad the same way we know when something feels good.
We make excuses because we know that truly acknowledging our feelings would mean that we will have to make a change and we don’t feel ready to do that.
But the truth is that you will never feel ready to change dysfunctional stuff.

2. When you stop seeing yourself as a victim, you take your power back.

Feeling victimized depletes you of your power and leaves you immobilized. You feel stuck and you are.
Power is not bravado. It’s a little voice that says “you can do it.”
Our inner voice whispers at first, but as we pay attention, the voice gets louder.

Being a victim is unattractive, to your Self as well as to others.

Isn’t it amazing that the world is a reflection of how we “see it?”
As a victim, you are unattractive to your Self; as a result, you are perceived that way by the world as well.
Taking your power back means you do it anyway, when you are not ready, and the act of “doing it” makes you feel ready and empowered.

You can create a new life; just like you created this one.

The process of healing demands that you take full responsibility for the life you have created.
Know that just like you have created the life you have today, you can create something else going forward that is good and will nourish your soul.
Fell the life you want, think about it, act on it.

Remember - Your future is your present projected forward.

If you don’t like your life – Change it. You can do it.
The only way to have something different than what you have today is to do different things.
You need to put new things in the hopper to have new results.

The Art Of Creating - Learning How to Change!

2009-10-28T01:00:00-07:00

Everyone knows that "changing" is a good thing, but what does it really mean and how do we go about doing it. Welcome to the art of creating!

1. Take full responsibility for creating your life. Stop blaming others.

This is the big one and unless you totally get this concept you cannot create a good life for yourself.
When you do not take full responsibility for your life, you end up in a state of victim consciousness where you have no power.
Taking responsibility for it all – regardless of why it happened – gives you back your power so that you can create a good life going forward.

2. Change your behavior, don’t just think about it.

There are many ways you can “understand” something, but understanding something intellectually will never go the distance.
What you understand in your mind must be integrated on a feeling level and the only way to do that is to put into ACTION what you have realized intellectually.
If you do not actually change your behavior on the physical plane, to reflect your new understanding, nothing will change.

3. Put discipline in your life and learn to postpone immediate gratification of your needs.

Talking about changing behavior is easy; actually changing behavior is very difficult.
We become very anxious when we change behavior even though the old way of doing things has made us miserable.
You have to be very brave to do it a new way and to bear the anxiety of making a change. If you cannot do this, you will never change.

4. Stop complaining – it’s unattractive.

The old way is the familiar way, and although it is dysfunctional, we are comfortable doing it because we know how to.
There is nothing worse than complaining. Just change and be quiet!
Zip it and step up. No one can do it for you except for you.

5. When you make good choices, you create a good life.

We create our life moment by moment by the choices we make.
Every choice builds on the choice before and all these choices strung together create a life.
If you do not like what you have created, you can make new choices at any time. Over a period of time, by making new choices, you will have a new life.

The Art of Communication - How to Do It!

2009-10-26T01:00:00-07:00

Everyone agrees that good communication is the foundation of all relationships, but how do you begin to relate differently if you’ve never been taught a more effective way to communicate? Here is a new way to deliver and receive information that feels good and brings positive results.

Say how YOU feel, rather than talking about what is wrong with the other person.

The emphasis is on YOU – talk about yourself.

Be conscious of only talking about your feelings.
The minute you talk about the other person, that person gets defensive and cannot hear you. When you say how you feel, the lines of communication stay open.

Set a timer and take turns talking.

The best way to learn how to properly communicate is to set a timer. One person talks for three minutes without interruption and then the other person talks. Do this three times, alternating with each person talking for three minutes.

This method allows each person to talk AND listen to the other, giving the other complete attention.

Most of the time when we have a disagreement, everyone ends up talking at the same time. This way allows for a complete exchange of information without frustrations or defensiveness getting in the way.

When the other person is talking, do not think about what you are going to say next. Just listen.

The timer method guarantees that you will get your chance to talk – so don’t get nervous. Pay attention.

This is an opportunity to really listen to what your partner is saying. Can you suspend judgment and just listen? If so, you might just hear something you have never heard before.
Real listening takes place when you are not thinking of what you are going to say next.

Be concerned about “feeling right” rather than “being right”.

After all, isn’t the idea of all communication to have a connection?

What is the point of being “right” and feeling completely disconnected from your partner?

Keep asking yourself, “How do I feel?” If you feel hard and defensive, you are actually pushing the other person away.

All feelings are valid even if you disagree with them.

What is wrong with someone having a different feeling than you have? We are all different.

As long as a person’s feeling does not result in action that is harmful to another, different feelings are what make us interesting.

Take a deep breath, and surrender to the moment, and listen and talk only when it is your turn.

What Does "loving your Self" mean?

2009-10-21T01:00:00-07:00

We often hear the phrase “You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself” but what does “Loving yourself “really mean? Only when you know and love yourself are you ready for real loving.

Loving yourself means taking care of your SELF.

A client once asked me. “I know this probably seems obvious, but what does “loving yourself” mean in real life?” I loved the question because it is not as obvious as it sounds.
Loving your “Self” means that you know how to take care of your Self. It means that you take responsibility for your well-being and happiness and figure out what you need to feel good.
Taking care of your Self applies to both your physical and emotional self – You become your own caring, loving parent.

No one can fill that emptiness inside you - except for you. Do not look to someone else to fill that “hole”.

If you are born a human, you will have a human struggle, and that struggle is about filling that emptiness inside.
Every one of us deals with that emptiness and we are all faced with making peace with the process.
When you expect someone else to make you happy, you are projecting your feelings of incompleteness on another and this will never work. Only you and you alone, can heal your Self.

You attract to you who you really are – this is always accurate.

We always get a good match for where we are at the moment.

Look at whom you are attracting and take responsibility for that “pull”.

Take responsibility for whatever relationship you are in. Perhaps there’s a lesson that needs to be learned.

Ask yourself “What makes me feel good? What do I like?” You need to like yourself before you can love yourself.

Figuring out what makes us feel good is a lifetime process. In order to do this, we cannot care what anyone else thinks and need to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own.
The mind needs to be quiet. If your mind is always going, always frantic, you will never be able to figure out who YOU are.
Eliminate the words “should” and “ought” from your vocabulary. (When we say we “should” do something, it is usually the opposite of what we really feel like doing.)

Living Your Truth - To Be True To Yourself is the Work of a Lifetime!

2009-10-19T01:00:00-07:00

1. How we live our experience of Truth determines our authenticity.

We may have had an epiphany, a glimpse of how things really are, and intellectually we “get it”, but can we put it into practice?
Can we bring it back into life and can we “be” what we know.
The process of coming out of our heads and into out hearts into the present moment, is the path toward authenticity.

2. You cannot think your way to authenticity – you must feel it.

And in order to feel, the mind must be quiet.
When the mind is quiet, the heart opens and finally we are able to sit squarely in the middle of our life, to feel it, rather than think about it.
If the mind never stops, you can never be authentic.

3. When the mind is frantic, you hear all those voices in your head other than your own.

To hear your own voice, to live your own life – not the life of your mother, your father, your partner, your boss – all the other voices have to stop.
This is the process, the path to authenticity.
Only through discipline and meditation does the mind become quiet.

4. The more real you become the more potent your energy becomes.

People pick it up; you radiate.
A person’s energy is the vibration of their consciousness.
Your energy goes out into the world before you. It is the meter that pulls to it like energy.

5. But being authentic takes work. It’s not just kicking back and saying “I’m’ just going be myself and let it rip.”

The price of authenticity is awareness. And awareness is consciousness in action.
Being conscious means you have to be willing to stay awake when often it’s a whole lot easier to go to sleep.
This is big stuff and not for the weak at heart. A lot of folks talk the talk but how many walk the walk?

Better to Compromise or Better to Be Authentic?

2009-10-14T01:00:00-07:00

Do you think compromise is the solution for a troubled relationship? If your friends, family and therapist are telling you that compromise is the key to a successful relationship, it’s important to understand that authenticity, not compromise, is the foundation of all solid relationships.

Compromise is useful for deciding dining or entertainment; not for what nourishes your soul.
Chinese or Italian? A hockey game or a movie? These are the things we need to compromise on.
When you compromise on being real that is the kind of compromise that hurts you and hurts the relationship.

You can’t be for someone else what you do not want to be for yourself.

When you “compromise” on things that make you feel bad about yourself, that is a bad compromise.
Compromise means that you are willing to do something you initially do not want to do, and that you are not going to be resentful when you do it.
If you are resentful, that is a good indication that the compromise in you did not come from a clean place.

What is in darkness always comes to light – don’t hide your feelings to get love.

Often we do not say how we really feel and tell ourselves it is best to “compromise”.
But when you deny your true feelings and you compromise from an unloving place, you will always feel resentful.
What does not come out one way will find another way. I have a friend that used to call this “strange outcroppings”. She'd say, You push it down over there, and it pops up over here.”

Over time, “compromise” builds resentment. Be real, be brave.

It takes real bravery to have a great life and a good relationship.
Bravery is difficult and requires that you dig down deep into the core of your being to muster fearlessness.
To access bravery you must be willing to deal with the anxiety that comes from digging deeper.

Listen to your inner voice – it has your best interests at heart.

Your inner voice will let you know what is going on.
It will tell you whether your ego is holding on to having it your way, or whether you can let go with grace and ease and compromise.
Remember, it does not always have to be about you.

The TRUTH about Spiritual Experiences

2009-10-12T01:00:00-07:00

1. Let’s talk about spiritual experiences so we can get that over with since there is a lot of hype out there.

Many of us have bought into the idea that attaining consciousness is an experience, perhaps a divine one, but an experience anyway; the final step in a long earthly journey.
But nothing could be farther from the truth.
TRUTH is, not a noun a place that we get to and stop, but a verb, an experience that is constantly moving.

2. I have known people who have had wild and intense spiritual experiences and I’m here to say they have very little to do with consciousness.

Often on drugs, people have experiences of oneness, only to wake up the next morning and feel separate and alone.
You can have a spiritual experience and still live a very unconscious life.
And that’s because spiritual experiences pass, just like everything else in the universe. Everything is moving and changing all the time.

3. I often tell this to my clients when they have an epiphany.

I tell them that that’s great, but what are they going to do about it?
Unless you do something with your realization you might as well be taking drugs, smoking a joint.
You know, the next morning when you get up you can’t remember those earth shattering realizations.

So remember, - It is not about the experience you had, but about this present moment, what you are experiencing now. That is where true spirituality occurs. We may have had a divine experience of the Truth but have we internalized it – can we live it?