Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Is Your Computer Your Closest Relationship?

2009-12-14T01:00:00-08:00

Do you sneak down to the computer when everyone is asleep? Whether its chat rooms, gambling or pornography, are you addicted to to getting on-line?

1. Sneak on-line when spouse or family members are asleep or not at home with a sense of relief.

Only you know if this is true. We become especially clever with our addictions, knowing exactly when and where to get on-line so that no one is aware of what we are doing.
Do you feel zoned out once you get on.
Addictions numb us out. We do this instead of feeling.

2. Use on-line services EVERYDAY, without skipping a day.

We tell ourselves that we can stop if we want to, but we cannot go a day without getting on the site.
One addiction is the same as any other; an addiction takes control of your life.
You feel edgy and agitated if you cannot get on your site.

3. Lose track of time after making a connection and go out less and less.

Time seems to just fly. Hours go by without leaving the computer screen.
Sometimes you get on in daylight and get off when the sun goes down.
Outer social life gets less and less as you spend more and more time in front of the computer. Your user name (you have many) becomes more a part of your life than your real name. You have a world of “friends” you have never met.

4. Others complain about your time in front of the computer and your time away from them and yet you continually deny what you are doing.

Time you could be spending with your partner, family, or children is now spent on-line.
You are late for dinner, late for appointments, forget to show-up, and forget obligations.
Your addiction is consuming you more and more, - your loved ones less and less.

5. You log on several times a days when already busy at work.

Your work, your livelihood is beginning to suffer. Even at work, when you are busy, you feel compelled to log on – to place a bet, to read an illicit email. You are now living a secret life and your life is becoming more and more toxic.
Arguments about what you are doing and where you are become part of everyday life.
Your family and friends miss you and want you back.

Freud's Repetition Compulsion

2009-12-10T01:00:00-08:00

Breaking up is hard to do because it is hard-wired, all about patterns formed in childhood. It’s what we did in order to survive in our family of origin. We choose a partner we can run our story with, or rather is a good fit with our story. For example, if in your family of origin, no one paid any attention to your feelings, you will innately feel that you do not matter. You may then chose a partner who is unemotionally unavailable to you and when that person treats you the way you have always been treated there will be something about the interaction that is familiar to you .

It's what Freud calls repetition compulsion. We pick a person from the get go who reminds us of someone in our family of origin with the assumption being that if only I can get that person to love me then finally I will be lovable. But the person we pick doesn’t have the ability to love – we set it up that way at the beginning.

In your family of origin you had to figure out what you had to do to get love; it was a matter of surival. As a child, you had to figure out a way to get love from an unavailable father; that was your job and you became addicted to the struggle.

We repeat that pattern as an adult. Perhaps we keep choosing men who are unavailable, not able to make a commitment to us. If our story is that we don’t matter or that we are unloveable – we will choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable to us and when we are around them and they don’t pay attention to us, we will feel that we are right and we will see that our story is true and then we will complain about the other person. We will never look at ourselves. Instead of taking responsibility for our unhappiness, we project it onto our partner and say he/she is the cause of it. That is not true. We are responsible for that big hole inside of us – we can’t lay it on someone else.

There’s only 1 way to break an unhealthy relationship, and that’s to understand it’s just about YOU and no one else. You need to understand that no one can make you do anything. You are not unhappy because of anyone else but you are really unhappy about the choices you have made. But just like you made those choices, you can make new ones as well.

Syncing Up Body and Spirit

2009-12-07T01:00:00-08:00

If you struggling with weight and body image issues, understand why it important to not be obsessive but still like how you look AND be comfortable in your own skin.

You are a whole person – inside and outside need to match up.

Everyone has parts of his/her body they don't like and wish were different.
How you feel on the inside usually matches how you look on the outside.
Oftentimes, we try and cut and paste our life, pretending the inside doesn't matter, fixing up the outside, and end up feeling out of sync and confused.

If you are making excuses for not feeling good, you need to stop.

You have free will and can change what doesn’t work for you.
This is self-explanatory. Get cracking.
I am not taking about being an exercise fanatic, or being pre-occupied with how you look; I am talking about being pleased about walking around as you.

Your body is your house.

You need to feel comfortable wherever you are.
Getting dressed, going out, do you feel comfortable in your skin?
The world’s reaction to us is nothing more than a reflection of who we are. If you are not pleased with your Self, the world will reflect that back to you.

The world gives us feedback – do you like what you are getting? If not, are you willing to make adjustments?

This is where we separate the men from the boys.
Changing hard-wired body image issues takes hard work and doesn't happen overnight.
We need to change from the inside out and from the outside in. Mostly, we need to start the process of change.

Arguing with your partner about weight and body image diminishes the relationship.

Address real concerns and move on.
This is NOT a relationship issue.
This is something each one of us decides for ourselves.

How The Buddha became The Compassionate One

2009-12-03T01:00:00-08:00

Do you know the story of the Buddha? It is said that he sat under the the Bodhi tree for forty years and asked himself the quintessential question, "Who am I?" Again and again and again he would hear, "Not this, not this, not this", until one day he had a realization that parted the heavens. In an instant, he got all the answers and a voice rang out, "You have attained Nirvana. You can spend the rest of your time on earth in samadhi (a divine state of bliss), and you never have to be part of the human condition again".

At that moment the Buddha became The Compassionate One. He said, "I cannot leave until I take all sentient beings with me." In an instant, he realized what it was to live a human existence and what it is to suffer in a human body. He directly experienced onerwhelming compassion for the human condition and that compassion opened his heart to infinite loving.

It was through is humanity that he realized his divinity, not the other way around. He also knew he needed to bring his truth back into the world.

And remember the zen koan: Before enlightenment, I chopped wood and carried water. After enlightenment, I chopped wood and carried water. Spiritual experiences come and go - Life remains constant.

Do You Have A Mind That Never Rests?

2009-11-30T01:00:00-08:00

If you have difficulty sleeping at night, finishing what you’ve started, and trouble making decisions, then it’s time to understand why having a quiet mind brings peace and is the foundation for a good life.

Without down time, the mind never rests. Everything needs rest!

Never mistake a busy life for a life of substance.
Just because something is moving all the time does not mean that it is going anywhere.
If you nail one foot down to the floor and you keep moving, you are still going in circles.

A frantic mind misses opportunities and actually pushes them away.

When your mind is frantic, your vibration is chaotic. And a chaotic mind always repels good opportunities.
Opportunities actually go whizzing by frantic minds.
Everything is universe – in order to be healthy, needs to rest as well as to move, i.e., times to be active and times to do nothing but rest in being. The mind needs down time.

It is the nature of the mind to have thoughts.

To the mind, all thoughts are the same.
Our ego ranks our thoughts. The thoughts that make us feel good about ourselves we pull to us and the thoughts that make us feel bad, we push away. This action creates a frantic mind.
Even though we rank our thoughts, to the mind all thoughts are the same – one thought is not better than another, just like all spots on a leopard are the same to that leopard, even though some are big and some are small.

Truth comes through the mind, not from the mind.

Once we view our thoughts from the observer viewpoint - not the ego – then all thoughts become equal, the same way they exist in the mind.
In order to access truth, the mind must be quiet.
The mind is the vehicle that transports consciousness.

Meditation quiets the mind and opens the heart.

Only when the mind is quiet do we gain access to additional information we could not hear when the mind was frantic.
Meditation leads us back home - to that quiet place inside.
Peace comes from a quiet mind and an open heart.

Do You Dance The Dance of Intimacy?

2009-11-25T01:00:00-08:00

Do you and your partner do “the Dance of Intimacy?” If you are still doing the “come close/go away” dance, learn how to stop and make a real connection.

Recognize the pursurer-distancer pattern. Which one are you?

I guess it really does not matter which part you play; when you participate, you keep the dance going.
Regardless of what your partner is doing, take responsibility for your behavior. Remember, it takes two to tango.
Stopping the dysfunction means you are willing to stop what YOU are doing. Do not focus on your partner. When you focus on someone else, you never have the power to change

Self-validate. Don’t share only to get agreement for your viewpoint.

Confidence that comes from an inner life is very appealing. Bravado that comes from the ego is not.
To be self-referring means that you are not waiting for another to validate your way of looking at the world, but rather you look to yourself to do that.
Do not share just to get consensus for your point of view. That is not sharing; it is manipulation.

It’s not if couples fight, it’s “how” they fight that matters.

At some point, all couples disagree with one another. This is simply what happens in life and not a big deal.
If you know how to “fight”, these disagreements can actually bring you closer.
Respectfully allowing another to disagree with you without making the other person “wrong” is an art, and the foundation of all good and healthy communication.

Don’t think when the other person is talking.

It is very rude to be thinking what you are going to say next when the other person is talking. You cannot listen when you are focused on what you are going to say.
Set rules for talking to one another and follow them.
Stop talking if you are constantly interrupted. Tell your partner when you are done talking, he can talk for three minutes and you will listen and not interrupt him. This way you will both learn how to talk and listen without interruption.

Everyone is scared in unknown territory. Be brave.

Doing it a different way is always scary at first but the only way to move in a new direction.
Being on the same page means both partners take responsibility for changing themselves.
Stay centered and focused on YOU. We change because we want to change - that's it.

Lack of Intimacy?

2009-11-23T01:00:00-08:00

Do you complain about not having intimacy in your relationship yet you’re still not sure how to get it? If you’ve been blaming your partner for the lack of closeness, it is important to learn why being intimate is always about you, not the other person.

If you can be intimate, you won’t stay long with someone who can’t.

Anyone who wants real intimacy will at some point, stop complaining, and leave a relationship that lacks intimacy.
Being intimate is ALWAYS about you; it represents your degree of openness.
If you are in a relationship that lacks intimacy, ask yourself why you are staying. What excuses are you making?

You must be willing to self-disclose.

Unless you are willing to let another person in, you will never have intimacy.
Are you two thieves in the night? Are you best friends?
Intimacy is about trust. Do you trust him with your vulnerabilities?

You cannot wait for the other person to do it first. If you do, it will never happen.

This says it all!
Being guarded and protected is the opposite of love.
Getting to know another takes time; allow the process to happen naturally.

You must be vulnerable to be intimate.

Are you able to share feelings that only you feel?
This kind of intimacy comes from being open and real.
When are intimate with yourself – you know who you really are – only then can you be intimate with another.

5. Unless you are comfortable with yourself, you can never be intimate with another.

Intimacy is about accepting your dark side as well as your light.
Have you made peace with your demons? We all have them.
We love the most the ones who love and accept us.

Afraid of Being Alone?

2009-11-18T01:00:00-08:00

Are you staying in a bad relationship because you’re afraid of being alone? If the prospect of being alone scares you more than the unhealthy relationship you’re already in, learn why the ability to be alone is actually the key ingredient to having a good relationship.

Nothing is lonelier than being in an unloving relationship.
- It is one thing to get lonely when you are by yourself; you look around and no one is there.
- It is another thing to lie next to your partner in bed and feel all alone. Nothing is lonelier than that.
- Loving relationships have the ability to take down the walls; unloving ones keep them up.

To know what makes you feel good, you must spend time alone.
- There is only one way to know who you are really are; you must spend time alone.
- Alone time allows us to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own. For the first time we are then able to hear our own voice.
- So much of the time we are busy trying to figure out how to make the other person like us; we need time alone to figure out how we can like ourselves.

Things come out when you are alone and that is good.
- Being alone, eventually the mind begins to quiet down and things that were in darkness come to the light.
- Self-acceptance comes from a very quiet place. Being alone allows you to “feel” your way through the darkness.
- Our frame of reference narrows; we become Self-referring, i.e., we look inside for the answers, rather than outside, to others.

Everyone feels lonely at times; this is natural and normal, the human condition.
- Loneliness is part of the human condition. It is the existential slice of life that can never be changed; you will always feel lonely at times.
- You come in alone and you will go out alone – no one’s opinion can change that.
- Being lonely is different than being alone. Being alone is a choice that we make because we choose to enjoy our own company.

If you can be alone, you have inner strength.
- You also have self-esteem and self respect.
- Enjoying your own company sets you free.
- When you like your own company, you choose from a different place – you are around certain people because you just want to be, and for no other reason than that.

How To Get Out Of A Narcissistic Relationship

2009-11-17T01:00:00-08:00

Are you with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde? If you are stuck in an emotionally, mentally, verbally, or physically abusive relationship, have lost your self-respect and self-esteem, feel more and more isolated from friends and family, and have a “walking on eggs” relationship, you need to join this group.

The narcissist’s best weapon is his tongue. He never accepts blame for anything and never apologizes. He has a total lack of empathy. These relationships are “too good to be true” at the beginning but quickly disintegrate once he has captured you with his charm.

Learn how to recognize this abusive relationship, stop being a victim, and take your power back. Learn that you are not alone and that many people are fooled initially. Narcissists get worse over time, so do not think this relationship will get better.

To register - Go To: www.meetup.com “Are You With A Narcissist?”

When: Saturday, December 5, 2009, 1-3 PM

Where: 3410 Henderson Ave, Suite 200, Tampa, Fl 33609

Cost: $25 on-line or call 813.348.9885

Unresolved childhood Issues

2009-11-16T01:00:00-08:00

Are unresolved childhood issues still running your life? If you’re stuck in the past and don’t know how to move on, it is important to learn how to make peace with the past and live in the present.

Most people look like adults but are really children.

Having a good life and healthy relationships are about “growing up”.
I learned a long time ago that no one had a great childhood. They were all difficult and at some point we all have to move on.
As a child, you cannot have adult relationships.

Being a victim makes you powerless.

Taking back your power means you are not waiting or wanting your parents’ approval.
You need to become your own parent, your own source of approval.
Every single person who walks on this earth has been hurt by someone or something. That is what being human is about. It is learning how to open to life – to the joys and the sorrows. You can’t have one without having the other.

Our issues are always our issues.

My favorite all time quote is by T.S. Eliot. He says, “It is ending up where you began but knowing the place for the first time.”
We keep circling around. If you have abandonment issues from your childhood, those stay your issues forever and you get the chance to keep working on them.
They may never go away but they stop running your life. You may always be aware that they are there, but when you grow up, you are in charge of your life as an adult, not as a child that feels victimized.

Feeling is only way to heal.

You cannot “think” your way through your issues.
You need to own them and the only way you can do that is by feeling.
To be brave enough to get out of your head and into your heart is the beginning of a good life.

5. Your PAST can work for you if you let it.

Accepting your past, actually embracing it as part of what makes you YOU, gives you texture.
Integrating past experiences and owning them, regardless of how they came about, sets you free.
Accepting your past as part of the human condition gives you tremendous compassion.