change on the fly: my life as a hockey wife

crunch time

2011-07-20T21:40:00.000-05:00

Where have I been the past several weeks, you ask?

More like, where haven't I been. July has taken us all over the map, and we're only halfway through the adventures.

First, there was J's brother's wedding in Indiana - a long weekend of late nights, early mornings, and lots of fun.

Then, we came home for one day and were off on an impromptu trip to Florida. Since we got back from there late Friday night, we've been packing, packing and more packing. And running errands.

Oh, and did I mention I got a job, that I fly to San Francisco for a week of training for? Super, super exciting! But it's added yet another thing to the mix, and now means that I leave this Sunday (the 24th) instead of the 28th - for good.

No matter how many times we pack up our lives, I can honestly say it never gets easier. Everything has it's place, yes, but it is exhausting.

Though, unlike last year... this year I am the one jetting off to someplace new and leaving the stuff behind for the hubby to take care of. I was more than excited about the idea of him being stuck with it (sounds harsh, but I've had my fair share of 'being stuck' with packing up and moving everything!) but I've realized the past few days that I ~~need~~ like to have everything done my way or it drives me nuts. (okay, who am I kidding... I've known I've been like that for my whole life. I have no idea why I thought this time would be different....) We have specific boxes labeled for different rooms (kitchen, bathroom, etc) and I like everything to go back right in their place. It's like putting a puzzle back together- everything has it's place, it's just up to us to find it again. If it were up to J, he'd throw it all into the nearest box and have it all mixed together. Efficent now- yes, Organized when it comes time to unpack next Spring- NO!

I'm a little nervous about not being here to finalize everything, but I now the hubs will do an amazing job. He'll be taking Maddie by himself now too, so I'm sure I'll worry about that until I hear that they are safe and sound in Finland. Guess that's my mommy instincts :)

So, it's going to be a good 10 days or so until I'm back to blogging as usual. Now is time for packing and spending my last little bit of time with family/friends, heading to San Fran to start my new job on Sunday (!!!!) and then heading straight to Helsinki from there (literally from one side of the globe to the other!)

Hope everyone's having a great summer and staying COOL! It's been HOT here lately- TOO hot, and I'm kind of excited to get to some cooler weather. There can never just be a happy medium, huh? Funny how that works.

I better get back to my work and get some good sleep - Crunch time is in full swing!

about that time of year again...

2011-07-05T16:26:00.001-05:00

It's about that time again. In a few short weeks, we'll be packing up our suitcases and traveling back across the pond for another hockey season. I've been avoiding the idea of packing so far, but I know that July 28th is going to creep up on me.... fast. Four days this weekend will be spent celebrating my brother-in-law's wedding, then next week we have scheduled a last minute trip to Florida.

After that, we'll have less than 2 weeks until our departure date. Time to go start dusting off the suitcases.

Thank goodness most of our stuff is still in Finland- there was no sense in bringing all of our winter stuff home for the summer. But, this limits me to only one suitcase to bring back with me, since that was all I brought home in the Spring. Hopefully all of my new shopping purchases I've made over the summer fit in as well....

I'll also be replenishing things like our medicine kit and other necessary items that can't be found in Finland, and making a few necessary purchases that we somehow lived without last season (sling-box anyone?!)

And then there's the dreaded vet paperwork for Miss Maddie, ugh. At least it will be easier this year since we know what to do, how to do it, and she has her very own little Finland/EU "Pet Passport".

So, here's where my headaches from last year are getting put to good use to make your life easier:

no, that's not me... but a good idea of how I look when
attempting to pack for the season
(source)

*If you're looking for a packing list on what to bring (and what not to bring) when moving to Europe, check out my list HERE!

*If you're looking for information about traveling to Europe with your dog, check out my info HERE!

(here is also another great list written by a friend/fellow hockey wife, with some great tips for packing for a warmer climate and when you have the convienence of driving vs. flying, and for moving from Canada to the USA)

happy 4th of july weekend!

2011-07-01T19:35:00.000-05:00

Happy holiday weekend to my fellow Americans!! (and okay.... I guess happy Canada Day to you Canadians, too) And to everyone else- just Happy Weekend!

We kicked the weekend off already with a nice little boat ride last night. Maddie got to experience her first ride on the boat, and we had no idea how she would do- but she was great! She absolutely loved life on the water, and I'm pretty sure if she could talk, she'd be begging us to buy a boat of our own. She was so good that she earned herself another boat ride tomorrow night for the fireworks!

I'm on a boat!

Loving Life!

Enjoying the pretty sunset on the lake

Woo hooo! Good thing I have my fancy schmancy
life jacket on in case I fall out!

For my fellow hockey wives, today also marks the beginning of Free Agency here in North America. There are always mixed feelings when it comes to being a free agent- to some it is an opportunity to be free from an organization that they no longer desire to be with (and seek a new contract with potentially higher pay), and for others it's an extremely stressful time of uncertainty until a job is nailed down for the upcoming season. Here's to hoping any and all of you get the deals you guys want in the least amount of time (and least stress) possible!

Hope everyone has a fantastic, safe, long holiday weekend!

stop and smell the roses

2011-06-28T15:06:00.011-05:00

Today is an exciting day for me... my blog is the "featured blog" today on For The Love of Blogs! These ladies have created a fabulous community of bloggers from all corners of the world that blog about all different kinds of things. Head over and check them out if you haven't yet! And if you're visiting from there - welcome! Thanks for stopping by, & Enjoy! Be sure and take a minute to say hi - I loveee to hear from each and every one of you! :)

The ladies over at FTLOB must be psychic or something, because I really needed a pick me up after the past couple of days.... and I've been all smiles since I saw my post up there this afternoon :)

I tried my best to keep a happy face on this past weekend while the hubby and I celebrated our first anniversary (don't get me wrong, I was very excited to be celebrating our first year of marriage!!) but I wasn't expecting it to be the only thing we were celebrating.

You see, Saturday would have marked the half-way point of my pregnancy. I had had it all planned out in my head- we would find out at our mid-pregnancy ultrasound whether our peanut was a boy or a girl, keep it sealed in an envelope, and open it together on our anniversary for the ultimate surpise (although, who knows if I would have actually been able to hold out- knowing me I would have ripped the envelope open on the way home from the doctor).

Once I realized that wasn't going to be happening and that we would instead, once again, be in the "trying" phase of starting our family-- I realized that this past weekend would be when we would get our potential positive test.

Ohhh, what a wonderful anniversary present it would be! To off-set the sadness of not being able to celebrate the halfway point of pregnancy, we would instead learn that we were expecting again, right?! We were 2 for 2 in trying so far, so it would always just be that simple every time, right?!

Yeah, right. That would be way too good to be true.

That would mean we'd be able to work things out for me to stay home the rest of the first trimester and head over to Finland only a month later than J's departure date. That would mean our little one would be born at the end of the regular season, in plenty of time before playoffs and wouldn't delay us getting home after the season at all either.

That would mean we'd catch a break for once.

But you know what, I'm sick of letting things get the best of me. I'm sick of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed. I'm sick of constantly feeling that I'm being failed all of the time. And I'm pretty sure my husband, Mr. Positive himself, is getting sick of me having these negative feelings all the time. It's been driving him crazy that he cannot "fix" it.

Hockey doesn't grant us much control over any aspect of our lives, so I should be used to this aspect of "no control over things". I think I'm finally ready to let go of it all and just let it happen. I don't want to look back and realize how much time I've wasted being disappointed and not being happy with what I have right in front of me. That doesn't mean we have to stop trying to reach our ultimate goal of having a baby (and hopefully still sooner than later!) But maybe it's time to start appreciating what we do have. What we can control.

The rest will take care of itself from there. Our time will come, but for now.... I'm going to make a better effort to be happy with what I've got.

What do you appreciate most about your life? Do you ever find yourself so focused on something that you forget to "stop and smell the roses"?

1 year ago on this day....

2011-06-26T11:52:00.000-05:00

WE GOT MARRIED! :)

I am so lucky to be married to my best friend and such a wonderful man. We have been through so much in this 1 year alone, good and bad, and I don't know what we'd do without each other to lean on. He can always make me laugh, and pushes me through the tough situations. Though it's only been 1 year of marriage, we've been together for 8 years, and each year just keeps getting better than the rest. Here's to many, many more! ♥

stop saying "I wish", start saying "I will", part 2

2011-06-22T11:08:00.001-05:00

[It was brought to my attention yesterday (by my sweet husband) that I had not written a new post in several days. He said he was "feeling down" and "needed some inspiration" (he's just a bit dramatic...) and there was nothing new for him to read and be inspired by. Obviously he was yanking my chain a bit, but he was also right- sorry for abandoning my blog for a few days!]

Aside from my bad habits I fell into from time to time when life threw curveballs that I mentioned in my last post, I'm usually (90% of the time) an obsessive healthy eater. Especially since we've started trying to have a baby. I educated myself a lot before we began trying. I knew that certain foods increase or decrease fertility, some can't or shouldn't be eaten during pregnancy, and that the prenatal vitamin is only supplementing the viatmins and minerals you are already getting from your food. Going off my previous knowledge, I read a lot (and googled a lot) to adjust my diet accordingly, which wasn't too difficult since we were already eating fairly healthy, with the exception of a soda or some ice cream here and there (as in, a once or twice a week treat here and there). Aside from trying to keep up with my hubby's hot bod, attempting to have a baby is the perfect motivation for me to continue a healthy lifestyle.

Anyways, here are my tips for eating and staying healthy, pregnant or not. Hopefully you can take something from them to help you with your healthy living goals as well:

-Adjust calorie intake according to your body and the activities you do. I don't understand why they generalize everyones diet into a 2,000 calorie diet when body sizes, metabolism, daily activities and other factors make such a huge difference in how many calories you should take in for a day. Here's a good way to calculate how many calories you should be eating, offered by Shape magazine (and remember, being pregnant doesn't mean eating for TWO! You only need about 300 extra calories per day):

If you are age 30 or under, multiply your weight by 6.7 and add 487; women who are 31-60 should multiply their weight by 4 and add 829. Then, multiply the total by 1.3 if you're sedentary (don't work out at all), 1.5 if you're slightly active (work out three to four times a week for one hour), 1.6 if you're moderately active (work out four to five times a week for one hour) or 1.9 if you're very active (work out almost every day for one hour).

-Cut out foods that don't have much or anything to offer. Like white bread and soda. You want to make every calorie count, so don't fill up your daily allowance with foods that aren't nutrient rich. They'll leave you less satisfied and more hungry, also... so you'll end up eating twice as much.

-Diet/Light/Low Fat, etc. isn't always better! Almost all of the time when fat and calories are taken out of foods to make them 'diet' or 'light' or 'sugar free', something else is being put into foods to replace them. Often times this comes in the form of more sodium or sugar, both of which can be very detrumental to your health if you're getting too much. And that Diet soda that is so appealing with it's 0 calories and 0 sugar? Guess what, it's still soda. The artificial sweeteners and caffiene aren't good for anyone for many reasons, especially pregnant women.

-Some fat is necessary in your diet. Some fats help absorb vitamins and minerals, and others, like Omega-3's, have a wide array of benefits- like heart health, cell growth/repair & improved brain function (to name a few)

-Eat fresh foods in their most natural state. They say shop the outsides of the grocery store and stay clear of the middle. That's because most of the middle aisles are filled with processed foods. When foods are processed, many times minerals and nutrients are lost... along with A LOT of other things being added in. Stick to fresh fruits and veggies (buy organic when possible, especially 'thin-skinned' fruits and veggies that absorb more pesticides) and meat and poultry that has been raised all natural, without antibiotics and growth hormones. This is a big one for us.... not only is it inhumane and sickening how almost all of the chicken, beef, etc. is raised and produced in our country (read Food Inc if you don't believe me)... but if you have tasted the 'good stuff' that has been raised properly and naturally, you'll know why it's worth a few extra bucks. You'll never go back to eating the 'other stuff' again!

-Eat at home. We eat out maybe 2 times a month, tops. Seriously. Obviously it's much easier and quicker to go out to eat or order a pizza, but we are both extremely turned off by the amount of calories, fat, sodium, carbs, etc. etc. found in foods prepared in restaurants. The supposed "healthy" foods on the menu are still always cooked using unhealthy oils and Lord knows what else. If we're the ones making the food (usually from scratch), we know exactly what is going into our bodies and how it is being cooked.

-Take a daily multivitamin. In case you fall short in a certain vitamin or mineral category for the day, a multivitamin will help ensure that you are still getting sufficient amounts necessary each day.

-Exercise!! Take the dog for a walk. Ride your bike to do an errand. Take a detour to the gym after work. Anything that gets you up and off the couch, really. Eating healthy only takes you so far, you must combine it with exercise in order to keep your body in it's best, healthiest working order. Plus, you'll have more energy and be a happier person, too!

-Moderation. Don't give up your favorite treats entirely. Allow yourself to have a cupcake or a can of Pepsi now and then. It will keep your cravings in check, and prevent you from going on an all-day binge at some point. Plus, life is supposed to be fun... isn't it?! What fun is it if we can't indulge in a special treat now and then?! Just remember, moderation is the key. Allow yourself 1-3 "treats" per week :)

I hope my tips will inspire you to adjust your lifestyle accordingly as well. There are many little changes that can make a big difference, and once you get into the routine, it's fairly easy to stick to. My problem was that when I lost control of things in my life (like losing my babies), I let myself lose control of everything else as well. Not to mention there were lots of restrictions on exercise and activity that kept me from doing a lot of things I normally do. It's okay to go through these rough patches, just make sure you set a time frame for yourself and get back with the program sooner rather than later. Your body will thank you! :)

Do you have a healthy living tip you'd like to share? What helps motivate you to say "I WILL" instead of "I WISH"?

stop saying "I wish", start saying "I will"

2011-06-16T10:52:00.001-05:00

Our income is earned solely from the use of my husband's body. If something happens to it, that's the end.

No more paycheck.

Not only does it have to be in working order on a daily basis, but it has to be in peak physical condition year-round.

Being a professional athlete requires one to dedicate his/her body to the sport. Day after day of skating, lifting weights, doing conditioning exercises, etc. adds up quickly.

When my husband goes to work each day, he burns nearly 2,000 calories.

As you can imagine, as a wife of a professional athlete, you already have to work very hard to not get lost in the shadow of your spouse. Aside from all that, you want to keep up with him in the physical category, too. Or at least I do.... I am very competitive, and I could never sit around and do nothing while my hubby flashes around his hot bod.

Last summer, I was at my peak physical condtion. Toned arms, toned legs, toned stomach, very heart-healthy. I felt great, and I looked great.

However, attempting to have a baby, being pregnant, (then not pregnant), then pregnant again, (then not pregnant again), then attempting to concieve a third time, weighs heavily on your body. Your body doesn't work properly if you're over-active, and obviously losing prenancies and having surgery is very limiting. Not to mention the fact that I have [more than once] fallen into the trap of 'eating my feelings' when I've been sad.

It's extremely frustrating- I really enjoy working out, and I'm normally a very healthy eater. When uncontrollable circumstances affect these activities (well, okay... I'm guilty of the unhealthy eating from time to time...) you can't help but feel a little lost from normal routine. It was like groundhog day: I was exercising less and eating extremely healthy while trying to concieve/being pregnant, then falling into the unhealthy eating habit after learning the pregnancy failed.... then trying to concieve/succeeding again and jumping back on the healthy bandwagon, then failing again and falling into the unhealthy tailspin again.

Then, I realized: all I need to do is re-evaluate and modify. If I have it written out, it will be much easier to follow, and I'll be less-likely to fall into the bad habits again.

My goals are:

to maintain a weight that is both healthy for me and keeps me in the best possible condtion for concieving. If I need to be 5 pounds heavier off the bat to provide a good cushion for my little one to arrive and stay safe, so be it. A small sacrifice to pay.
to re-tone my arms. I know the muscle is under there, it's just not wanting to show it's face as much as it used to. I quit most weight-bearing exercise at the start of my 2nd pregnancy in fear of it harming the baby (though knowing it wouldn't), and also after my surgery. Time for the guns to come back out again.
legs and abs are another story. They concern me more since they are closer to my baby-making parts. I'm okay with them being a little less-toned for now.
Make sure that every single food/drink I put in my body every day is providing me some sort of nutritional benefit.

And I'm getting there by:

Walking the dog, walking on the treadmill, going for bike rides outside with J, swimming outside in the pool.
Low weight/high reps with hand weights and resistance bands (same as I did last summer/fall)
Ab exercises that avoid crunching motions, like plank variations.
Eating a well-balanced, healthy diet, and avoiding the temptations of all the lovely junk food here in the U.S.... which is simple, once I put my sadness aside. As long as I don't let myself eat my feelings, it's pretty easy to do. We've gotten back in the habit of making balanced, healthy meals from scratch now that I'm willing to spend more time on it again (recipes to come soon! :) ).
Accepting the fact that my child-bearing/attempting body is just not going to look the same as it did on my wedding day. Not until post-baby, at least... :)

What do you do to keep your health on track? Have any of you recently had to modify eating/exercise habits for any reason? I'd love to hear what works for YOU!

not giving up :)

2011-06-13T13:27:00.000-05:00

Thank you to those of you who sent kind and encouraging words my way over the past few days. Things got better in time for the weekend- thanks to keeping so busy! J's brother was in town, along with his fiancee and her family. I mentioned before about how I was throwing her a bridal shower- which, by the way- was a huge success! And the guys played some golf and went to a baseball game for some 'bachelor party' activities. It was so wonderful to be able to see them all again... it really stinks being so far away all the time and only being able to see one another once or twice a year :( Now it's the final countdown to their wedding in a few weeks, and I couldn't be more excited for them! ♥

The hubs also does an amazing job of encouraging me to keep my head up. He has definitely has had his times of sadness and grief, but he is a go-getter kind of guy and is not one to accept failure. He will keep getting back on the horse and persist until he has succeeded. His attitude and influence has helped me see the light through the pain of it all. I hate to say that anything good has come from our situation, because it hasn't, but I have realized through this experience just how truly strong I am, and also how strong we are as a couple.

Here's to hoping good things are to come our way in the near future!

i can't imagine heaven's lullabies, and what they must sound like...

2011-06-09T23:12:00.001-05:00

Sorry to go sad on you all... but I'm really missing our babies tonight. I thought I've been doing pretty well, but then there's those times that it just hits you all over again. Like the fact that....

baby #1 would be 22 weeks right now [the size of a papaya, 11 inches long!] or baby #2 would be almost 18 weeks [the size of a sweet potato, 5.5 inches long!]
we'd know the sex of either baby #1 or baby #2 by now (or very, very soon) and I'd be going nuts buying all kinds of cute little outfits and things for him/her- not to mention he/she would surely have their first pair of hockey skates by now.
and therefore we'd have a name picked out for our sweet little one as well!
I'd be feeling either of our little peanuts moving by now, and he/she would be able to hear our voices speaking to him/her and telling him/her how much we love them and can't wait to meet them
We'd only have to wait a few short months to meet our little one, see what he/she looks like, and start learning what kind of little person he/she is.

But instead, I've got nothing. Two angel babies looking down on us from heaven. I guess that's better than none, but I would give anything for our sweet little one(s) to be with me in my belly right now. It doesn't help that I still get e-mails and phone notifications telling me "Congratuations! You're 17 weeks pregnant today!" or remembering all of the plans that we had made thinking there was a little one on the way, or when somebody [innocently] asks when we're "going to have babies already?!".

What ~~upsets~~ infuriates me even more is to see others take their pregnancy or child for granted. Like the lady at our pool who is 20-some weeks pregnant and smokes 5+ cigarettes in the 2.5 hours she's at the pool while munching on a wide variety of junk foods. Or that freaking Casey Anthony trial (she's soooo guilty). How could someone kill their sweet, innocent child like that?

Please give your child (or beautiful baby belly) an extra hug and kiss tonight and make sure to tell them how much you love them. Don't forget to take time to step back and realize how blessed you truly are!

As for those of you in situations similar to us, I hope that you will find comfort in knowing that you are not alone... and that surely, there are better days to come ♥

"Glory Baby" by Watermark

[as posted on My Baby Still]

Glory baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby..

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

And we miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a

day when we will hold you

We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to

understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

That all things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

wedding pictures!

2011-06-09T10:34:00.000-05:00

Our first anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks [June 26], and we got a call from our photographer last week to come in and pick up our CD of the negatives. Like many other wedding photographers, he releases the copywright to us for our 1st anniversary, so we were excited to hear that we were able to get them a few weeks early. We also figured we'd better go in and order some prints-- it has been a year, after all! Good thing we can use being in Finland as the excuse for that one.

Anyway, here are some of the pictures captured by our photographer [Pierre] on our big day:

adoreable pic of J with our
nephew/ring bearer

what a handsome looking bunch!

still so in love with my dress!

they were so excited to get their flowers! ♥

another creative shot in the basement of the church

our adoreable nieces/flower girls

exiting the church into a sea-full of bubbles :)

meeting J at the altar ♥

getting some lovin' from my new hubby
while surrounded by all of our loved ones
doesn't get much better than this! ♥

my beautiful best friends/
bridesmaids

the 'jumping' pictures are one of Pierre's specialties

we finally got some air by take #4... :)

a beautiful day for pictures by the lake

the bike Pierre 'borrowed'
from the liquor store
random moments = lovely pictures

me and my fellow hockey-playing bridesmaids

can't beat this one ♥

J and his groomsmen

beer truck picture... another result of
Pierre's spontaneous creativity!

most delicious raspberry cake ever! ♥

our cute little centerpieces turned into this....

should have known this would happen with a
bunch of hockey players! haha

dancing with my sweet nieces/flower girls

personalized hockey puck favors
[J's ring & my engagement ring]

first dance ♥

Looking back through all of our pictures has made me fall in love with them all over again. Our photographer, Pierre, and his assistant Sarah, did an amazingly wonderful job that exceeded all of our expectations. I'd highly recommend his work to anyone looking for a highly talented photographer... check out his website or facebook page no need to be in the area, I do believe he is willing to travel :)

lavender sugar scrub

2011-06-08T22:24:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned before, I'm throwing a bridal shower this weekend for my sister-in-law-to-be. Being the DIY-er that I am, I just had to make homemade favors to send home with all of the guests! It came to me as I was singing along to Carrie Underwood and exfoliating in the shower one day.... I would make homemade lavender sugar scrub and cutesy it up in little jars! Ohhhh, I was so excited. Here is what I came up with:

Lavender Sugar Scrub

1 cup white cane sugar

1/2 cup vegetable oil

4 drops lavender essential oil

1 Tbsp vitamin E oil

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Mix ingredients together in a bowl. Pour into a glass container of your choice, decorate as desired.

I used 4 oz jam jars that I bought at a home/garden/farm supply store, but you can use any container you'd like! I got about 3- 4oz. jars out of this recipe.

Happy DIY-ing! :)

what girl doesn't love jewelry?!

2011-06-07T22:29:00.000-05:00

Whoa, it's been a crazy one in our household lately! I feel like we've hardly had time to sit down in the last week or so. It's kind of a nice change of pace though... come those dark, cold, boring January days in Finland while the hubby's at an away game, I'll be dreaming of these busy days with so much to do!

I'm pretty excited tonight because I just got home from a jewelry making class. I started making jewelry a month or so ago after my 2nd miscarriage and surgery that followed. I really needed/wanted a hobby that was all my own and thought that making a few fun pieces would be fun.

So, I loaded up on supplies at Michael's and other craft/bead stores and began to wing it. I've really impressed myself with how well I've done so far, and more importantly, I've been having fun doing it. It's been very theraputic for me and has definitely taken my mind off of the events of recent months and given me back some of the drive and motivation that I lost during that time.

Since I've enjoyed it so much, I decided to sign up and do a class or two at a local bead/jewelry store. It was a Wire class, which is what I've really wanted to get better at. She showed us lots of tips and tricks and we made a pair of earrings to take home:

Not exactly the beads I would have picked out myself if I had the choice(especially since they're like different colors!) but I'm pretty proud of myself. I've considered starting a little business out of it (with J being my investor, of course :) ) so we'll have to see what happens. I even joked about renting a place at the Christmas Market in Helsinki this year... haha! The 2nd part probably won't be happening.... but stay tuned, I may just have some nice jewelry pieces for sale soon! :)

Here are some of my first pieces:

I'm busy planning my sister-in-law-to-be's Bridal Shower for this weekend (along with a million other things goin on), but check back soon- I'll be writing a post about the shower favors that I made! (no, they're not jewelry :) )

stuffed chicken parm

2011-06-03T22:06:00.000-05:00

Well, we're back home now and both exhausted. It was a full week of shopping, seeing old friends, and working out (for J). It was a lot of fun and great to get out of town for a while to spice things up a bit. Maddie seemed to have fun at "Grandma and Grandpa's" (my in-laws) -- she's been sound asleep on the couch for most of the evening. No matter how much fun we have away, it always feels so good to be home (I could do without all of the unpacking and laundry though!)

Tomorrow morning we'll be up bright and early again to run in the Race for the Cure like I talked about earlier. Might be a bit of a rough one- I have only ran once this week while we were away (along with eating out several times and a few glasses of wine here and there....) and J is sore and tired from a hard week of workouts. To help prepare us for our big day tomorrow, I made some stuffed chicken parm with spaghetti, green beans & red wine (no shame) for dinner tonight. It was pretty delish so I thought I'd better share my recipe with you all:

Stuffed Chicken Parmesan

Ingredients:
Chicken Breasts
1/4 cup diced mozzarella & parmesan cheese (more or less, to your liking)
2 slices of bread, crumbed
1 tsp. oregano (more or less, to your liking)
1 tsp. parsley (more or less, to your liking)
a dash of salt & pepper
1 egg
small amount of flour

Wash and clean up chicken breasts, removing any excess fat. Cut a pocket into the chicken breast from the top (like you're slicing it in half the long ways, but just cut a small opening with the pocket, don't go all the way through). Stuff the pocket with cheese, filling to your liking. Use a toothpick to hold the opening closed.

Mix together bread crumbs, oregano, parsley, salt & pepper in a bowl. Line 2 more bowls up next to it, pouring the flour into one and beating the egg in the other. Roll chicken breast in flour first, then egg, then bread crumb mixture. Place breasts in baking dish and bake ~30 minutes at 375 degrees F (190 C).

While chicken is cooking, prepare the spaghetti:

Ingredients:
1 can (10 oz.) of tomato soup
1 can (15 oz.) of tomato sauce
1 can (6 oz.) of tomato paste
oregano, to taste
parsley, to taste
garlic, to taste
salt & pepper, to taste
Whole Grain wheat spaghetti

In a sauce pan, mix together tomato soup, sauce & paste. Simmer over low heat, stirring occasionally. Add in oregano, parsley, garlic, salt & pepper as desired. Continue to simmer until well mixed and the sauce begins to thicken a little. While sauce is cooking, boil water and cook pasta noodles.

Top noodles and chicken with spaghetti sauce & grate parmesan cheese on top. Enjoy!

*I use the same recipe without the chicken to make regular old spaghetti... but I usually add 1 pound of ground beef to make it a meat sauce. Sometimes I swap out garlic salt for fresh garlic & salt and sometimes I don't add the parsley and oregano (depends how much flavor we're in the mood for) It's simple but delicious, and definitely a dish we long for when we're in Finland and can't find the exact ingredients! :)

I promise to have more and exciting posts coming soon... but for now, this girl's gotta get some shut eye before the big morning tomorrow. Good thing we've got some lovely new sheets & new comforter to sleep with, courtesy of tax-free shopping in Minnesota! :)

much needed getaway :)

2011-05-30T00:21:00.000-05:00

Sorry in advance to all you lovely blog readers out there. We're heading to Minnesota tomorrow for the rest of the week and I'm not sure if there will be much (if any) time to post anything new. We've had several different vacation plans (Europe trip, Florida...) change in the past couple months with the pregnancy and then the loss, so I guess we're settling for good ol' Minnesota instead. Time to get away for a bit, "relax", and see some old friends! (I use the term relax very loosely, because the main purpose of our trip is so the hubs can work out with a teammate. I wasn't kidding when I said the guy's gotta always be doing something productive!) In honor of our trip, I thought I'd share this ~~obnoxious~~ lovely tourism commercial that plays about 5 times a day on our tv's here:

Time to explore Minnesota and these 10,000 things they say they have to do. Enjoy your short holiday week everyone, be back Friday!

picked this baby up....

2011-05-28T09:55:00.000-05:00

.... for our Finnish home today. We saw it on our way out of the store and couldn't resist!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend to my fellow Americans! Have a fun and safe weekend, and don't forget to remember and thank our fallen heros! ♥

two months from tomorrow

2011-05-27T10:36:00.000-05:00

It's not even Memorial Day yet, and our summer is at the half way point. In fact, Memorial Day itself marks the exact half-way point of our time back here in the States. We got back on April 2nd, and head back July 28th. Yup. July. 28th. Two months from tomorrow.

I still don't understand why the hockey season (in Europe, at least) starts in August. J's first team 'responsibility' is August 1st. I don't know about you, but I want to be sitting by the pool in the 85+ degree weather of August. Not hanging out in an ice arena. I'm constantly wondering to myself, that if hockey is considered a winter sport, why does the season start in the hottest month of the year?

I guess I shouldn't be complaining, because J's teammates back in Finland are required to work out and skate with the team even during the summer. They get a couple weeks off after the season, then they're back at it until mid-June-ish, and get another small break between then and August 1st. Some of the teams even make their North American/import players come back over for this period of time. I can't imagine. We get 3 (maybe 4, like this year) months to be home.... in our home country, speaking our native language, to see family and friends, to live with all of the rest of our possessions that we can't fit into a couple suitcases. And most importantly, to just mentally un-wind from the season.

But, (as much as I want it to), that doesn't mean that J just gets to sit next to me by the pool with a drink in his hand the whole time. In fact, I wish he'd take a little more time off. But that's just not him. I think he took maybe a week off (including travel days) after the season before he started working out again. He's a guy that's gotta be doing something to get better all the time or it will eat away at him. He has to get to the gym at exactly the same time every day. His workout is all precisely timed, and he would never even dream of missing a set or skipping his bike ride for the day. Several days, after he works out, he goes to the rink to shoot pucks around. He drinks protein shakes like they're water. I tease him a lot about being too stiff, but I do admire his dedication. He's constantly wanting to improve himself, and really lives by that motto of 'every day you take off is a day your competion is using to get better than you' or however it goes. It is his job, after all... and just like with any other job, if you don't work hard and perform well, you'll get fired.

At the same time, this is our 'vacation' time from his job. During the season, you work weekends and nights, in addition to days. Even when you're not at the rink, an event, or traveling, most of the time is spent according to the hockey schedule. If J has a game the next day, we're not going to go walk and tour around the city that afternoon. That concert you wanted to go to? Forget it, it's a game night. Oh, you wanted to go for a little weekend getaway to leave the stresses of a bad week behind? Not a chance- there's 2 games to be played!

It is most definitely a lifestyle choice, and for every negative thing about it a positive comes with it. Like this nice long summer vacay that we have. It all balances out. For all you hockey fans out there, I'm sure by the end of one season, the next season cannot come soon enough. But not for me. For me, it can wait just a little. My brain needs a break from it all. I've still got some rays to soak up and family to spend time with. I can't begin to think about packing up our lives into a couple suitcases again and starting the trek across the Atlantic. Not just yet.

giuliana & bill

2011-05-26T23:14:00.000-05:00

Giuliana and Bill Rancic were on the tv show The Doctors today and I could not have been more excited. They're one of my fav celeb couples, and could possibly be my new Nick & Jessica (they'll never be replaced, but it's about time I start moving on...).

source

I really connected with Giuliana and Bill by fluke right after my first miscarriage in February. Since I was pretty much bedridden (more by choice than anything) for like a week after the beginning, I had to find some new shows to watch. I had seen Giuliana and Bill a couple times before, but didn't know a whole lot about them or their show. She's a E! personality and he won The Apprentice. But, as I began watching the show, I learned about their struggles with fertility and the heartache they were experiencing as a result. Giuliana did finally get pregnant (thanks to IVF), only to suffer a miscarriage at 8 weeks.

That was it. We bonded immediately. She was my new bff, even though she doesn't know it. I felt so connected to them through our mutual heartache and grief, and as much as it breaks my heart to see someone else going through such an awful thing, I realized we were not alone. It doesn't matter who you are, how much money you have, what you do for a job... you are still at the mercy of God's will.

As I laid in bed watching their heartwrenching story play out through the episodes, I was grieving with them. Since I had never been through a loss like that before, I had no idea how to act or what to expect. I barely even knew about miscarriage or how common it is. Giuliana and Bill opened my eyes and helped me regain a positive attitude. If they weren't giving up after trying for so long, neither was I.

I praise Giuliana and Bill for being so open about their fertility issues and pregnancy loss. They are trying very hard to get rid of the negative stigma that surronds the topics of infertility and miscarriage and helping people realize that they don't have to suffer in silence. That they are not alone. This was exactly their message on The Doctors today, and I commend them for using their 'fame' as a means to communicate these issues.

If you haven't seen Giuliana and Bill's show or read their book I Do, Now What? I highly recommend them. The book is great for any newly married couple (or any married couple for that matter!) and has tons of great advice. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it, and even the hubs has read a few chapters (though he won't admit to it I'm sure). They're an adoreable couple and I just can't get enough of them!

communicating in a foreign country

2011-05-24T13:37:00.000-05:00

Moving to (or even just visiting) a foreign country can be a scary thing in itself. Add in the fact that the natives do not speak the same language as you do (or, at least, not as a first language) and it can be downright scary (and frustrating!). I can honestly say that the language barrier is the #1 thing that poses the greatest difficulty and inconvenience for the hubs and I.

source

I recieved a message the other day from a fellow American woman who is moving to Finland. She was looking for tips on communicating and how to best deal with the language barrier. Although we are not currently in Finland so language issues are not in the forefront of our minds with it being the off-season, I wanted to share with you all the pointers that I came up with, in hopes that it will help others, as well. Summer is also tourist season, so many of you may be able to put these to use on your upcoming vacation.

These tips will work for any country, though some of them incorporate Finnish culture and the stereotype of Finns tending to be very friendly, but extremely quiet and reserved (sometimes true, sometimes not). Even if English isn't your first language either, it still may help you when traveling (or moving) to a country that speaks a language that is foreign to you. You'll most likely be using English as your 'common language' to communicate with the natives, after all! :)

-It probably depends most on where in [insert country] you will be. If you're in a large city, you'll most likely be just fine. If you're further into the countryside... people may not speak English as well, or at least won't be as comfortable speaking it. The bigger the city, the more common English is, at least from my experience. That doesn't mean they don't know English- they all start learning it in school at a very young age- but (Finns, at least) are very shy to begin with, and even more-so when speaking a language that is foreign to them. The key is to be patient.

-I try and make anyone who I am speaking to feel very comfortable, and they seem to be more willing to open up and speak. They're afraid they will say something wrong or sound funny. I usually joke with friends or acquaintences how their English sounds wayyy better than my Finnish (it's true, after all!). If it's someone I talk to often, I also let them know how cool I think it is that they speak multiple languages. That's more than I can say of myself! They seem to be more confident when they are praised for their speaking :)

-Obviously going to stores or anywhere in public is a little intimidating. We still feel that way. My husband and I joke about how rich we'd be if we had a nickel for every time we said the phrase "Sorry, I only speak English..." It will never be "normal" for me, but you do get used to it. I've found that the best way to avoid some of the awkwardness of it is to make sure that when they greet you (such as a cashier at the grocery store) make sure to say a big, loud "Hello". Saying "hi" or "hey" can sound too much like their Finnish greeting, "hei" (pronounced "hey") so they don't catch on as easily, or if you greet them in Finnish ("moi", "hei", etc.) they will assume you speak Finnish. About 75% of the time I say Hello, they realize that I speak English and start speaking English off the bat from there. (note: it may be cool and exciting to use your newly acquired langauge skills, but if you're in a hurry, it only adds another step to the process. Save the showing off for the end and say "thank you" in their language, instead :) ).

-Another thing we found was the awkwardness of making phone calls. Anytime I called anywhere (to make a hair appointment, for example) I was never sure if I should just start speaking English, or if I should ask them if they speak English first. I usually went with the latter, and when I mentioned my concern to my Finnish friends, they agreed. They made a good point- it gives them a chance to "turn their brain on" to speaking English. If they're not ready for it, they most likely won't understand you the first time you say it. That way they're prepared and can gather their thoughts first, or pass the phone off to someone who does speak English.

I'd have to say the language barrier is my least favorite part of living in a different country, but it isn't horrible. The worst part is probably just not being able to get a full answer- like if you're at the store and want to know about a product. They'll tell you the basics, but probably won't get the big long speech of information you'd get from someone in your home country. The important part is just getting them to open up- once they feel comfortable, they speak English just fine!

... and I'm back in the game!

2011-05-23T20:05:00.000-05:00

Phew... the end of the world indeed did not come and we all seem to have made it past the weekend. How many times are they going to claim it's "the end of the world" anyways? I'm not sure if I feel bad for the people who cashed in their life savings because they thought the end was really here, or if it's just good for a laugh. I can't be that cruel- so maybe a little of both.

And since the world is still spinning round, I decided it's time to get back in shape. For those of you who don't know, I love working out/exercising and, in particular, running. With everything that's been going on with my body, working out- or at least working out hard enough to sweat- has pretty much been a no-go for the past several months, which has been very hard for me. Since my body is now recovered from surgery, it's time to get my butt in gear (especially since I let myself 'eat my feelings' for a good week or two after- oops)!

So, the hubs joined me for my "first run back" today. It wasn't the prettiest sight in the world but I finished the full 5k and didn't die. I joked with J that it was a good thing I wasn't wearing his heart rate monitor because it probably would have been beeping and flashing "CALL 911" most of the time.

Off-the-charts heart rate aside, I have to say, it felt great. Part of the reason I love running so much is because of how it makes me feel after. First, the tiredness and achiness lets me know that I've done my body good. But it's also the sense of accomplishment that you feel- I just love it.

Post- Quarter Marathon 2010, where I took 4th place! :)

check out this beauty the hubs captured last year... bahaha

So, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure is coming up in our hometown (less than 2 weeks away!) and I've decided to run the 5k. My mother is a breast cancer survivor, and every year since she was diagnosed (just over 5 years now) a group of family and friends has gotten together to either walk or run in it. When I was pregnant, the plan was to walk the 1.25 mile course for this year. Now that plans have changed, I decided that I'd really like to run the 5k. It will be a great motivator to help me get back in shape without over-exerting myself, and, even better, it will be a great sense of achievement. I've felt like my body has failed me a lot in the past several months, and even though 5k isn't usually that big of a deal to me, conquering this goal and proving to my body that I am in control of it will be a wonderful mental boost.

Ahhh, it feels great to be back in the game :)

If you'd like to make a donation to the Susan G. Komen Foundation and support me on my run, I you can do so through my race website here.

ohhh, the irony

2011-05-21T13:32:00.004-05:00

So, there we have it. That's what our crazy rollercoaster life has looked like in the past several months (months? is that all? it seems like it's been years...). Obviously since this blog is a blog about my life and my life has changed a lot recently, it will adapt along with me. I want to incorporate stories and posts about pregnancy loss and trying to have a baby (both our journey and in general) in my writing and hopefully do my little part in the world to help make pregnancy loss not such a scary thing to talk about.

I find the title of my blog to be continuously ironic, and even though my blog will now be including topics in addition to 'hockey life', I think it is still very fitting. Things are constantly changing in our lives, there is no 'normal'. The few things that I thought I actually did have control of in this crazy hockey life have proved me wrong. Changes come in the matter of an instant, and our whole lives can be turned upside down once again. All we can do is adapt.

I am excited for you all to follow along in our journey. Whether you're here to read about hockey, babies, pregnancy&miscarriage, or any of the other thoughts and stories I'll be bringing to the table, I hope you are able to find plenty to peak your interest. And hey, maybe you'll even learn something new! If you enjoy reading, don't forget to become a follower and enter your e-mail address to stay up to date with what's going on :)

I sure hope it's not really the end of the world today... there is still so much more I want to accomplish! Enjoy your Saturday, and hope we all make it to see Sunday! ;)

only time will tell

2011-05-20T14:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I honestly don't even know where to start with getting you all caught up to speed... so excuse me if my thoughts are a little scattered. It's been a complete rollercoaster the last 4 months or so, and I can't even express in writing all of the intense feelings I have felt in this time.

Remember this post from back in February about the guys' outdoor "Winter Classic" game and how awesome it was? Well, it was, indeed, awesome.... but for me, not so much. For me, it marked my 6th (known) day of my first ever pregnancy, and, unfortunately, the last.

We found out the previous Sunday- January 30th- that we were expecting our first little "Baby D." We had just started "pulling the goalie" that month (sorry, had to use the lame hockey reference to lighten things up a bit :) ) and had no idea what to expect. So, needless to say, we were over the moon (and have the pictures from that afternoon to prove it!) That week was spent shopping for What to Expect When You're Expecting and The Everything Daddy-to-Be books, making sure our already healthy diets were even healthier, and quietly sharing our elated-ness with eachother.

We had no idea our whole little bubble of excitement would be turned upside down in a matter of a week. And on the same day as the Winter Classic game, none-the-less. By Saturday morning, we had a pretty good idea that our happy little lives may not be happy for much longer. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed under the covers and not come out for a week or two, and I know J would have been right there with me. But, there are no 'sick' or 'personal' days in hockey- certainly not on the day of the biggest game of the year. You just keep on keepin' on...

I was already planning to host the other wives' & girlfriends at our place before the game, since we lived right next to the stadium. Since no one knew I was pregnant (& we weren't even positive what was 'wrong') I dried my tears and put my best big-girl smile on. It was, after all, the biggest game of the year- no way I was missing that!

Things got progressively worse during the game, and on top of that, the hubs was struggling out there.  Funny thing is, I didn't even notice him having a rough time with everything I had going on in my head (which, for those of you who know me, is a huge surprise. I am the queen of critiquing his play- good and bad!) As cool and exciting as the game was, I wanted to get the heck out of there... FAST. I missed the after-party with the team & hubs had to make a quick appearance and book it home to be by my side. Sure, the party wasn't that big of a deal.... but I can think of about a million places I'd have rather been than in our bed having that experience that night.

It absolutely broke my heart that the experience of that game was ruined for both of us. Could not have been worse timing. And, oh, that's not all of my sob story. Not even close. I not only had to run home that night to tend to my body, but I was supposed to hop on Skype to talk with my Grandpa whose cancer was getting progressively worse and wasn't expected to make it more than a couple weeks. Once again, time to put on my big girl face and act like I just had the time of my life at the game. The emotions of everything- the miscarriage, my Grandpa- were some of the most overwhelming I've ever felt. I'm crying just sitting here thinking about it.

As difficult as it was, I am eternally thankful that I was able to talk to and see my Grandpa that night on Skype. It broke my heart to be so far away at the very end of his life.  He was such a wonderful man and has provided me with so many amazing childhood memories that I will never, ever forget. I am lucky to have called him "Grandpa" (even though my biological grandfather had passed away before I was born) and am so happy to have had him in my life. He passed away the following Friday.

Throughout the next couple days after the Winter Classic game, our fears were confirmed. I had an early miscarriage at right around 5 weeks. It all happened naturally, and by the time I saw the doctor that Wednesday it was complete. We were crushed, and as bad of timing it was when it had started, the day after the "Winter Classic" started a week-long break in the league, which helped so much. We skipped town to Stockholm to have a few much needed days away. After returning from Stockholm, the grief was (slowly) wearing and we were starting to accept our fate. The doctor had put no restrictions on trying again, so we began right away.

In the meantime, exactly one week after my Grandpa passed away, my Uncle passed away from cancer as well. I don't think our hearts could have taken much more at that point. February 2011 was officially the.worst.month.ever. "At least it's the shortest month" is the only positive thing I could think of to keep reminding myself.

So, February's twenty-eight days finally came and went, and we were onto March. Whew, we made it out alive. Not long into the new month- 9 days to be exact- we learned that we were pregnant again (!!). We were soooo excited, and shocked. We had no idea it would happen so fast. But this time, there was a new feeling in the air as well: fear. The first pregnancy was so ignorantly blissful- we would have never imagined those first days that our sweet little one wouldn't make it. Miscarriage? Nah, not us. We're 24. We're beyond healthy. That sort of thing only happened to older couples or people who lived unhealthy lifestyles, didn't it? WRONG. Now we were living with the knowledge that it can happen to us, we're not immune to miscarriage. Pregnancy loss doesn't discrimiate.

We decided to be "cautiously optimistic" this time around and would take it week by week, day by day. My first doctor's appointment was scheduled for March 30th, which seemed like an eternity away. Until then, all we could do was make sure I was doing everything right, and that dreaded four letter word: wait. The days came and went, and finallllllllllllly March 30th came. By this point, the guys had lost out of the first round of playoffs 2 days before and we were scheduled to head home April 2nd. I was terrified sitting and waiting at the doctor, not knowing what to expect. We went in, she flipped on the ultrasound screen, and there it was. Our little peanut, heartbeat flickering and all. He/she only looked like a little blob, but it was amazing. On top of that, we dated almost a full week ahead (7weeks 4days) of what I had predicted- skipping ahead a week? we'll take it! Plus, we also knew that the risk of miscarriage greatly drops once you see a heartbeat. Ahhh, a sigh of relief. We celebrated with lunch at Pizza Hut (one of our go-to's in Finland when we're missing home) and could not stop thinking and talking about all of the exciting things to come in our life.

I was a little nervous for our long plane ride home to the U.S. thanks to some of the lovely pregnancy symptoms I was having. I cringe going to the bathrooms on planes in the first place (and will only do so when it's a realllly long flight, no matter how bad I have to go) and here I was, going every hour. Gross. Not to mention the lovely nausea- however, that was made better with the help of "sea bands"- bracelets used for motion sickness (I highly recommend them!). And the worst part- the hunger! I have a crazy appetite as it is, much less when my body is requiring extra calories and has a revved up metabolism. I swear the flight attendant wanted to strangle me when J kept asking for more pretzels, crackers and Sprite for his wife... (I'm sure if I had had a big round, obviously pregnant belly at that point, she would have felt bad for the 'poor pregnant lady' and happily gave them to me, instead of basically throwing them at us). But, we made it all in one piece.

We told our parents within a day or two of getting home. We had told them about the miscarriage in February, so the "Surprise! You're going to be grandparents!" element was already kind of ruined anyways. Plus, we now had pictures of our little peanut and stories about seeing the heartbeat to share. I was 8 weeks and some days at this point, and we were feeling pretty confident. And speaking of 'feeling' things- I sure was feeling the pregnancy symptoms, alright. Every night I went to bed with a big, bloated, full belly... and every morning I woke up (at 6am) starving and reaching for the pretzels I'd left on the nightstand the night before in anticiaption. The fatigue was crazy- most nights I fell asleep on the couch or in a chair well before 8pm. I can't imagine what it would have been like had I been working full time. I don't know how those ladies do it! But as obnoxious as these crazy symptoms were, they kept a big, huge smile on my face, because surely it meant everything it was going right. Right?

The first weeks of April we also happened to be staying at my in-laws, so we didn't have any unpacking or moving to do yet. Lots of free time on our hands, which meant lots of planning, prepping and daydreaming. We couldn't stop thinking about our little one- was it a boy or a girl, what he/she would look like, names, etc. I had the thoughts all planned out in my head: we would find out the sex in middle-late June, just in time to go crazy at all of the adoreable little baby stores before we head back to Finland in July. We bought more books, even a little outfit or two (unisex of course, just for fun!) and were (this) close to buying a stroller and carseat (we know exactly what one we want, and got pretty excited about it before we realized we better slow down a bit). We had all kinds of time on our hands before we moved into our place and before my doctor's appointment on April 20th, and we spent the majority of it planning for "Baby D."

Then, the day of my appointment was finally here. We knew we'd be getting an ultrasound, and were so excited to see our little peanut again, but this time looking more like a little human than a blob. As I saw our little one appear on the screen, my heart started to race. I knew instantly that it should be bigger than what I was seeing (I should know, I had googled what 10w 4d ultrasounds look like, after all <-- wow, that makes me sound like one of those crazy, intense pregnant ladies! I'm not, I swear!) and when she clicked around to measure the baby it showed up "8w2d". My heart sank. I frantically searched the screen for that beautiful little flickering heartbeat, but it wasn't so apparent like it was last time. Then, she uttered the most heart-shattering of words: "There doesn't seem to be a heartbeat. I'm so sorry."

I froze. It took a minute or two for the reality to sink in before I started to cry. I looked over at J. He was crushed also. The doctor gave us a couple minutes, then sent us down to have a more thourough ultrasound done to be sure. Before we knew it, we were scheduling my D&C surgery for the following Tuesday- the day after J's birthday. I was supposed to be carrying out the Your Pregnancy Week by Week book and pamphlets along with beautiful ultrasound pictures of our baby and a huge smile on my face. Instead all I got was a packet about miscarriage and my upcoming surgery, which instantly became stained from teardrops.

The rest of that week and Easter were really rough, I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch and sob & yearn for my baby. It made me sick to my stomach knowing that my sweet little baby was inside of me, but no longer living. I felt like I had failed him or her, bigtime. Millions of thoughts ran through our heads over the few weeks following- Why us? Why did this happen? What did we do wrong? among many, many, many other things. I kicked and screamed and cried- All I wanted was for my baby back. This wasn't supposed to happen, not again!

It has been an absolutely devistating time, and I can honestly say, our lives will never be the same. The emotional pain has by far outweighed the physical pain of it all. There are still so many questions left unanswered, and many of them will probably stay that way. I really cannot even put into words what this experience has been like, or all of the different emotions I have felt, but I'm going to try, through this blog. My perspective, my outlook on life, has all changed. The feelings are still very raw, but the "acceptance" stage has once again set in that we will no longer get to meet our little one in November. We're back to square one and I have no idea where life will take us from here. Only time will tell.

*J and I agreed for me to write about such a personal time in our lives for a couple reasons. One, the support we have gotten from opening up to family and friends has been amazing. It's been very theraputic to talk to other people about this difficult time in our lives and know that we have their love, support and prayers. It's amazing how many people you find out have had similar troubles or experiences that you just never knew about until it gets brought up.  That's another reason why I really wanted to write about it- I hate the fact that miscarriage & pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject. If it's so common, why doesn't anyone speak about it? The grief that couples experience with pregnancy loss is not any less significant than another loss.  Each was an individual child that was extremely loved, cared for, and dreamt about. I know first-hand how great the support feels as a grieving person, and I cannot simply turn my head, shut my mouth, look the other way and move on like nothing has happened.   It's said that anywhere from 15-25% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, so where the heck are all the other couples who've experienced a similar loss? Are they suffering in silence? How come it takes one person to "come out" about their troubles for all the rest to come out of the woodwork with their stories? I want the other suffering women and men (hey, men grieve, too!) to know they are not alone and that they don't have to suffer in silence. So, that's my third and final reason. If we can help or inspire even one person through my blog, then I'm a happy woman.

2011-05-18T21:52:00.002-05:00

Slowly but surely making progress on this whole new-blog-look thing :) Just when I get frustrated and start thinking I'm totally computer illiterate, I surprise myself and learn something new. Anyways, there may be a lot of different looks over the next week or so that come and go. I ask you to please excuse them as I work on perfecting my new site. I feel like leaving it open and playing around with it as-is is a lot more effective than shutting it down for a week.... so bear with me :) I promise, I'll explain the changes and get everything caught up asap!

On another note... did anyone watch American Idol tonight? I was so excited to have those 3 as the "Top 3"... they are my favorites that I've been voting for all along! I decided I can't vote tonight though, because I wouldn't know who to pick. It's either vote for all 3, or none at all... so I figured I'd save my time (and text messages) and go with none. Can't it just be all 3 in the finale!? I never thought I'd still be watching this show 10 years later... but it's amazing what you start to watch (and get hooked on!) when you're bored in another country. The supsense is killing me... tomorrow night can't come soon enough!

i'm alive, i swear . . . .

2011-05-17T22:27:00.000-05:00

I know, I know... it's been over a month since I've written a new post. And even longer since I've written on a regular basis. But I'm on my way back to the blog world... for realllllll this time.

There has been a ton of stuff going on in the ~~"adventures"~~ lives of C and J (sounds like it should be a book or something, huh?) that has kept me from posting on a daily (or weekly, or monthly...) basis. But I've decided that I'm back and I'm ready to share... the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I've got all kinds of new ideas to refresh the site in my head, and working on getting them down onto paper so I can hopefully follow through and make them a reality. My life has changed a lot in the last few months, and I think that it only makes sense for my little corner of the world wide web to evolve along with me. This is a blog about my life, after all! :)

So be sure to come back soon to check in on what's been going on. Lots of stories and changes to come, so pick a night to grab a glass of wine (or a beer, we don't discriminate!) and curl up with the computer to see what's new.

home at last!

2011-04-14T11:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, so we've really been home for 12 days, but if you just came back home after being out of the country for 7 months, writing a new blog post wouldn't exactly be the first thing on your list of to-do's, would it? Didn't think so.

I can't even express how good it feels to be back in the USA. Where we can understand people around us. And communicate without difficulty. And eat the food that we're familiar with. And..... well you get the point. I've already told my husband countless times that he will probably have to drag me kicking and screaming to the airport come time to go back next season, and I've threatened to tell the customs officers that my husband is making me leave the country against my will. (Okay... maybe not that dramatic, but as much as I like Finland.... it really just doesn't compare to home) I'm just trying not to think about it for now and enjoying going to Target once, sometimes twice, a day. That is what the offseason is for, isn't it? :) (speaking of that... I thought it was time for a break from hockey? Why does my hubby feel the need to torture me with watching NHL playoffs when it's supposed to be the 'offseason'? If it's going to start consuming every aspect of my life again in AUGUST, I don't know if I can stand having to watch until mid JUNE! Sorry, a month just isn't a long enough break for this girl!)

The weather here has been fantastic for the most part... for Springtime in Wisconsin that is! We hit 80's last Sunday, and the past 2 days have been 60's and 70's. J and I even enjoyed a nice bike ride around the lake yesterday. Much better than that 20's and 30's crap we were having in Helsinki. Hopefully it's starting to warm up a little bit over there for our friends... no one deserves that kind of weather in April!

Of course, now it has cooled down here a bit and is rainy, just in time for our move this weekend. Since I was stuck doing our last 2 moves by myself (compliments of dear ol' hockey) this time it's hubby's job to take care of all that crap. I told him I'll still unpack and organize stuff, but that's mostly because I'm very ~~anal~~ particular about where things go. In the meantime, we've been staying with my in-laws, which is really nice to be able to spend some extra time with family. But I've gotta say, I cannot wait to get settled into our place and we finally get to unpack and use all of our wonderful wedding gifts! It's going to be like getting new stuff all over again. Who wouldn't enjoy that? :)

We've got lots of other exciting stuff going on and coming up also. Since we're home with many of our family and friends (and I have a little more stuff to do than winter in Helsinki), I probably won't be updating the blog as much as I have in the past (okay, I haven't been consistantly great about it anways... but I'll be happy with once or twice a week) with updates on what's going on, along with some informational posts as always. I see lots of you have been looking for information on traveling to Europe with dogs... and I hope that you're finding your answers! It's a piece of cake once you get the hang of it, really (I've added info on traveling back to the U.S. from Europe also.. :) )

Happy Thursday! :)

moi moi finland, hello america

2011-03-31T04:32:00.000-05:00

Well... for those of you who don't know, the team lost in game 7 of the quarterfinals on Monday night, putting and end to their season. It was a little earlier than hoped and it was too bad they couldn't pull out a win and keep going. But, on the bright side....

WE'RE COMING HOME TO THE U.S. of A.!!!

(nope, no excitement in that or anything... not one bit ;) )

I wish it was as simple as heading to the airport and jumping on the next flight, but unfortunately, it's not. Stuff has to be packed up and moved to the rink for storage. The apartment needs to be cleaned out. Laundry has to be done. Our car needs to be returned. Maddie needs to go to the vet to get her papers for back home (this is about the only thing we have completely done so far... haha). Keys to our apartment, cell phone cards, TV card, have to be returned to their proper owners. Hubs has team meetings. Planning a time to see our friends here before we take off. Tickets have to be booked (...minor detail). All of that wonderful, fun stuff that is even more fun and wonderful when it stands in the way of getting home!

I despise packing and moving (someone remind me again why I picked a lifestyle that requires I do this twice a year again? oh, that's right, a cute boy brainwashed me into thinking it'd be fun ;) ) but I'm keeping my eye on the prize: 4 wonderful summer months spent at home, with family and friends, eating all of my lovely American foods, trips to Target whenever I feel like it, drying the laundry in a ¡dryer!, driving a car (warning to those of you I will be sharing the roads with back home: this girl hasn't driven in 7 months!) buying milk by the gallon so we don't have to go to the store every. single. day. Don't get me wrong, I like Finland a lot, and I'm sure come July I will be more than excited to get back. But no matter where you're from, I think we all can agree.... There's no place like home!

We don't have an offical date of arrival set yet, but it will more than likely be sometime this weekend or early next week. The hubs is acutally at the rink right now for meetings and figuring all that good stuff out and we hope to have our flights booked by tonight. I know I kept talking about our European trip we were going to take at the end of the season, but, for several reasons, it's just going to have to wait :) We may decide to take a trip somewhere warm once we get back, but we'll see how we're feeling. Right now we need to just focus on getting home first.

So, off I go to continue packing and cleaning. I'm still waiting for my personal assistant to come and help me.... but she just never seems to show? Not sure what's up with that ;)

Moi Moi Finland, see you in 4 months :)

Hello America, can't wait to see you!!