This is the tenth session of Ask The Coach. The main aim of this weekly session is to ask you, the reader, to ask a question to the coach by posting a comment on this post and each week myself and Ayo Olaniyan will attempt to help you by answering your question.

Question from Srinath answered by Ayo.

**Please note this is an edited version of the question**

How do you stay away from worries and feeling inferior, when you look at people who have got some of those things you long to have. Also, what are the steps required to focus on our goals and achieve them.

Hello Srinath

Thanks for your question on ‘Ask The Coach.

There are two issues raised in your question. They are a) inferiority complex and b) focusing on your goals.

I will dwell a bit more on inferiority complex because you mentioned it twice in the original version of the question and conclude the post with a few tips on how to stay focused/motivated on your goals.

From personal experience, I’ve discovered once you deal with issues revolving around your inferiority complex, you can manage your goals, dreams and aspirations properly. There are also times you become motivated to achieve realistic and reasonable goals as a result of certain issues giving rise to the complex.

Alfred Adler (Individual Psychology) described inferiority complex as a feeling of low self worth. It’s often stems from your imaginations and is associated with insecurity, discouragement, low self esteem and sometimes envy.

The causes are as follows:

• Feelings of Rejection
• Your Physical Appearance
• Your shortcomings.
• Mental Limitations
• Parental Attitude/Your upbringing
• Unnecessary Comparisons with the achievements of others
• Lack of proficiency.
• Self Pity.
• Poor Self Confidence/Self Esteem.
• Failure
• Social disadvantages and discrimination.

The list is endless, but it would be helpful to sit down for a moment, think deeply of circumstances, events and people that unconsciously bring about your feelings of inferiority complex.

Once you’ve done that, the next step is to look at possible ways of overcoming inferiority complex.

Here are a few suggestions:

Be Yourself

This is fast becoming my favourite slogan. Everyone is unique in his/her own way. You are born, brought up, conditioned differently. You need to increase the level of your self awareness, look out for your unique qualities, discover who you are, what you are passionate about, your skill sets, strengths, tolerance levels etc.

Celebrate Your Strengths/Achievements

Celebrate your achievements. It’s not easy getting to the point where you are. You’ve been strong, faithful, hardworking,…………(find more examples) to get to this stage in life. Go on enjoy each precious moment.

From research, people with inferiority complex tend to pay little or no attention to their success, achievements or strengths. They also find it slightly difficult to accept worthy praises for a job well done or any form of accomplishments because the focus is on what other people are doing(achieving) and finding reasons or questioning themselves for not attaining a particular level of success.(Please note: This is different from being inspired by the success of others).

Stop Making Unnecessary Negative Assumptions

Stop imagining people are going to laugh at or mock you for being you. Even if they do so, be proud and raise your head high up because THEY JUST DON’T GET IT. Stop assuming things will always take the turn for the worse, when it comes to you.

Develop the habit of positive affirmations and grow a healthy mind.

Develop Yourself

Be informed or updated about various events, things…….. happening around you. Don’t stop learning. Take time to develop your aptitude. Go on a self improvement exercise. If you need increase your level of education, do so!!!

Whatever it is, MAKE SURE YOU SHOW SOME IMPROVEMENT.

Face Your Fears

Learn to confront your fears and take calculated risks responsibly.

Network with friends/family/colleagues…

Networking/Collaborating with other people may help in achieving your desired goal. Positive networks help to establish, motivate and strengthen you as an individual. Associate with people who are ready to encourage you when you need it, speak the truth, drag you away when erring and finally provide support for you all the way.

AVOID PEOPLE WHO DELIBERATELY BELITTLE/DEGRADE YOU EACH TIME THEY SET THEIR EYES ON YOU. They are not worth the trouble.

Build Your Self Confidence

Developing confidence in whom and what you are, is essential in overcoming inferiority complex.

Don’t get upset at constructive criticism

Learn to accept constructive criticism and feedback positively. It forms a learning curve, aids your self improvement and chances are you could be driven to success in various fields.

Manage Your Failures.

Learn to accept that failure is a phase everyone must go through. See them as golden opportunities to rewrite the scripts of success.

Finally;

Become Focused And Take Action

This is where I answer the second part of your question·

I mentioned earlier; inferiority complex could serve as a tool for creating realistic/reasonable goals.

In working towards your goal you need to become focused and take action.

Here are a few tips:

• It’s very important your goal is realistic and achievable within a certain time frames.
• Curb your distractions.
• Have a plan
• Think carefully.
• Learn to be accountable and act responsibly.
• Avoid procrastinating
• Be determined.
• Show consistency in what you do.
• Manage your time properly

On a final note, ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU ARE AN INDIVIDUAL WITH UNIQUE QUALITIES.

I look forward to your feedback, comments and suggestions.

I bet everyone of you dreams (at least sometimes) about having more money, love, joy, energy or health in your life? Right? And I also bet, that everyone of you has already done a zillion attempts to achieve just that. And though you had successes in some areas, I bet there are some areas, where you just couldn’t make it happen, no matter what? You try, you push, you change approaches, but you’ll always yield the same results. Why?

Because there is a subconscious mechanism within you, that won’t allow you to succeed in those areas. It is sabotaging your own efforts, to make sure you won’t leave your “Comfort Zone.”

Although you might have heard of your “Comfort Zone” before, you might have never heard about a way to alter your Comfort Zone, so that it allows your dreams to become true.

Would you like to learn such a system? I bet you do, so let’s go.

The Concept of Your Comfort Zone

You’ve heard the term “Comfort Zone” several times already. But although this concept is a true and useful one, it needs to be specified even more to become useful in tackling with your problems.

Your Comfort Zone has 3 key points:

1. Your Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL) – The Stall Mechanism
2. Your Unconscious Lower Limit (ULL) – The Kickstart Mechanism
3. The Neutral State (NS)

We should get to know these 3 key points of your comfort zone a little bit more in detail.

Your Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL) – The Stall Mechanism

This subconscious limit will stop you from rising above a certain level of success, money, love or happiness. This is the internal barrier that you have built up in your head, that won’t allow you to ever experience more joy, love, happiness, success or money, than you feel you are worth. It is like a plane going too high that will stall and fall down to a level, where the pilot is again able to catch the fall in a zone accustomed for the type of plane. If you compare it to a thermostat, this would be the temperature when it get’s too hot and the air conditioner kicks in. And that is how your subconscious feels. It’s getting too hot in here, so let’s cool it down. This limit is tightly connected with the concept of self-worth.

No matter how much you believe in yourself as a limitless, spiritual being, we all have these limits in our minds.

Even the most successful people have them. They have just learned to raise them, so they won’t stop them from achieving what they want.

It is not about whether you have an upper limit, it is about whether that one causes you trouble, frustrates you and hinders you from growing further at this time.

The Auto-Mechanism of Your Subconscious Mind

It is as if your subconscious had a built-in auto-mechanism driving you directly to the events that will guarantee the (maybe not so desired) outcome for you.

And that is exactly what happens. You have an internal feeling of comfort within a certain range. Let’s go with a money example now. Let’s assume you are making 60,000$ per year. And you did so for maybe 3 years now in a row. If I would ask you how sure you are that you would make 60,000$ next year, you might be pretty sure that you can make it again. What if I challenged you to make 70,000$? Well, you might feel a little bit uncomfortable about it, but not that much. You might have some ideas on how to get it. How about 80,000$, 90,000$ or even 100,000$. Now that uncomfortable feeling might be getting worser. Maybe you could imagine yourself making 80,000$ putting in a lot more effort, but I might have lost you with 90,000 or 100,000$. Then you might realize, that 80,000$ is your upper limit.

What Is the Psychological Reason for the Unconscious Upper Limit (UUL)

You subconscious is not your enemy. It is your friend. And it’s only reason to install limits within you is to protect you.

It wants to protect you from harm and from being dissatisfied. There is safety in shooting low. Missing a goal you were really going for, could be a devastating experience for the self worth (as long as you identify your self worth with attaining that goal, but that is another point). And your subconscious doesn’t want you to experience this pain. So going for less, for the safe side or the easy, achievable goal is a self-protecting mechanism.

Your Unconscious Lower Limit (ULL) – The Kickstart Mechanism

On the other side is another mechanism working. This limit is the lower threshold. This is how low you allow yourself to go, before all your instincts, all energy and focus is brought into play to get you back up. It is the level, where your subconscious associates a threat for your survival with the current situation. Again, comparing it to a thermostate, this is the point where it is getting too cold, so the heater kicks in. And so your subconscious gets you to move things and kicks in your efforts to get back into the comfort zone again.

Let’s assume now, again you are making 60,000$ (and you did so for 3 straight years). How would you feel, if next year, you would only make 50,000$. Well you might feel uncomfortable again, but you might come up with some things you could cut your expenses on. Let’s go even deeper – 40,000$ or 30,000$. I bet you won’t feel so comfortable then. How about 20,000$ or even 10,000$. There is again a level, where your subconscious would scream “NO WAY – I won’t allow this to happen. This is dangerous for my survival”.

Well, even if it won’t be threatening your physical survival (there are a lot of people surviving with less than 10,000$ or even less) there is a level where your subconscious associates massive pain with making only that much money. Again, you should find out that level for you.

The Neutral State (NS)

This is the state where you are okay with a situation. Not great, not bad, but okay. In the above mentioned example that might be making 60,000$ – or maybe not, depending on the feeling a person associates with this amount.

Establishing Your Comfort Scales

You need to establish your comfort scale, so you can exactly pinpoint how much comfort or discomfort you associate with anything. The key to this is focusing on your body feelings. Your body feelings will tell you much more precisely how comfortable you are with a situation, then your intellect.

Comfort is associated with body feelings.

Let’s establish a scale from 1 to 10.

• 1 being so much discomfort and pain, that there is no way to tolerate it. This is the ultimate life threat.
• 10 meaning the most enjoyable state you could think of.
• 5 would be neutral, so this would be the Neutral State (NS), where you are okay with a situation. It isn’t great and it isn’t bad, just okay. Although this sounds boring it is essential to know where this level is for you.

Now let’s fill this theoretical scale with life. For this money is a great tool, because for most of us, money is an essential ingredient of life and therefore, a good measurement for our comfort level.

So remember the Comfort Scale:

1 (Ultimate Discomfort or Pain) … 5 (Neutral, okay) … 10 (Ultimate Comfort or Joy)

Establish your Comfort Scale for HAVING THE MONEY

1. Consider you current annual income. Where on this scale are you with making that much money? Make a note, and experience how you feel in your body. Do you feel any signs of comfort or discomfort, when thinking about it? Look out for any change in your body: tightness, relaxation, warmth, cold, tingling, pain, sourness, nervousness, salivation just to name a few. This is your baseline point. It could be 5 or a bit below or above. Note that the baseline couldn’t be 1, since 1 is so much pain, that you would find a way to change it, no matter what. Even if you are not satisfied on a conscious level with your income, there is a part within you, who feels comfortable enough with it not to change the situation.
2. Think about how comfortable you would feel if you HAD 10%, 20%, 30% and more money per year. Go up as high as you like. Note for every amount, how comfortable you feel inside thinking about having it. Note for every new level the change in your body feelings.
3. Then think about making 10% less per year or 20% or 30%. Note how your Comfort Level changes and how your body reacts to this.

What you should have at the end are the body signs, that signal you the different comfort levels of your scale. You should be aware how your body feels when confronted with the different levels of discomfort and comfort.

Establishing this scale once is a very important step of the procedure.

Now let’s go one step further. This time don’t think about having the money, think about MAKING it.

Establish your Comfort Scale for MAKING THE MONEY:

• Start with your annual income. How comfortable are you with making it again next year?
• Then go up 10%, 20%, 30% and higher. How comfortable are you with making that much more money next year?
• Then go down 10%, 20%, 30% and lower. How comfortable are you with making only so little money?

Now compare those 2 scales, and you might be surprised.

You might find, that if you go lower than your actual income, that the pain of only making less money than you have is growing stronger but the trust in yourself that you can make it is also getting stronger. If you are currently making 60,000$, you will feel quite a discomfort about making only 40,000$ (maybe that is level 3), but you are quite sure, that you could make it (or better) next year (maybe Level 8,9 or 10).

Conversely, if you increase your annual income, you will find, that you would be quite comfortable with having it but the higher you go, the less you are sure, that you will make it. So if you currently are making 60,000$ making $90,000 would surely feel good (maybe level 6, 7, 8 or higher) but you are not so comfortable with your ability to make it (maybe 4 or even 3).

Remember – these levels are actual body feelings. This is key for the next step.

Raising Your Comfort Zone

Now you have 2 Comfort Levels for each $-amount. A Comfort Level for “Having the Money” and one for “Making the Money”. Remember money is here just an example. I could also say you have 2 Comfort Levels for “Wanting it” and “Trusting in Yourself that you can make it happen”.

The key to raising your Comfort Zone is by associating the feelings of comfort with the image of making a certain level happen.

Here is how to do it. The whole process consists of 2 Steps.

Step 1 – Dialogue With Your Fear

1. Ask your subconscious, why there are feelings of discomfort associated with you making more money.
2. Write down in your journey what comes to your mind. What negative consequences might be associated. Write them down.
3. Consider if these are actual, real problems, that could occur. Then thank your subconscious for bringing them up and consider them in the future.

Step 2 – Associating Comfort With the Steps Beyond Your Current Comfort Zone

1. Remember the good feelings of comfort in your body (choose intuitively from Level 6-10)
2. Imagine doing the thing (e.g. imagine making 90,000$ – not having, but actually earning them)
3. Now listen to your body. Once you really think about it, those old feelings of doubt, worry and discomfort will come back.
4. If so, drop the picture and try to remember the feelings of comfort again in your body
5. Bring back the pictures of you making it happen (e.g. making 90,000$)
6. If your feeling of comfort vanishes, drop the picture again, bring back the good feelings and then bring in the pictures again.
7. Continue to do so, until you are able to see yourself doing the things necessary to make it happen while at the same time feeling in your body feelings of comfort and trust.
8. Repeat this process for at least a week, better 30 days. Do it at least early in the morning and before going to sleep. You can do it more often if you like. Once you’ve done it 3-4 times, you will get it much faster.

Once your subconscious has build a neuro-connection for this new couple (picture of future success and feelings of comfort), you will no longer need to push towards making things happen. You will feel yourself drawn towards them. This will be one of the most interesting and releasing experiences you will ever have.

How to Use This Process to Change Anything in Your Life

This process is not only able to change your comfort zone towards money. Money was just picked for demonstration purpose. You can use this process for anything you can quantify and rate on a scale from 1 to 10.

Could you rate:

• your experience of love?
• your feelings of happiness?
• your health and vitality?

Of course you could and therefore you could use that process for all these areas. Try it and watch out for enormous changes happening to you.

Break through the glass ceilings that are limiting you in every area of life. Enjoy the ride.

Always trying to be a little different with Sunday Siesta I thought I would list of the best posts over the last year from Change Your Thoughts. There might be some posts that you have missed. I know you can sign up and get the best of CYT Volumes 1 and 2 FREE when you sign up (Check the right hand side of the blog to do this). Here are my favourite posts so far this year

10 Of The Best Posts From Change Your Thoughts

100 Ways to Develop Your mind - This is possibly the longest post I have written so far and one of the hardest but most rewarding. Writing challenging posts like this makes all the other ones a lot easier and it was quite rewarding as it received a lot of good feedback.

13 Fantastic Female Personal Development Bloggers – There are some great personal development bloggers out there and I found most of them were male bloggers and I still think it is dominated by male bloggers. However there are also some great female personal development bloggers out there and I wanted to highlight them which i have down in this post.

What Was Your Flash Forward – This is a post I really enjoyed writing as it was based on one of my favourite TV shows at the moment FlashForward. It is about visualising your future and making it real

Life Is Shit - This post got a lot of stick as a few people thought I was being arrogant in it, but that was not the intention and people who know me will know this. It is meant to stir a bit of emotion and tell others that life is not a shit as they would have make out.

10 Beautiful Pieces of Ambient Music – I loved compiling this post as it has some of my favourite composers and musicians in it and it is one I still refer to myself when I need a little mental calming.

7 Irrational Thoughts That Disrupt Your Life – This is one of my all time favourites at CYT and one that explains why a lot of people don’t get on in life as they are stuck with some of these thoughts, if we learn to get past all of them then we are on our way to changing our lives.

The Power Of Focus – This is the very day I decided that the blog was going to be a force in the personal development world and I set myself a huge target of reaching 10,000 subscribers by 31st December 2009. I was then at 3,400 subscribers and now up to 5,700, nowhere near my target but I am still working on it.

Ask The Coach – Myself and Ayo Olaniyan started this secti0n of the blog to answer personal development questions every Thursday. Ayo has done a great job in keeping it going and it is a section that I really enjoy. It hasn’t been that popular and the questions have stopped coming in, however we will keep going with it.

Audio Interview With Jonathan Wells – I loved this interview with Jonathan as he is one of my favourite bloggers out there. This post was about his book 7 Simple Steps – Life Transformation Guide

Set Your Mind Alight and Find Your Passion – I loved writing this post and it was one of those posts that just flowed from the heart and was easy to write, I was in the zone at this time.

Coincidences are defined by the New Oxford Dictionary of English as:

“A remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection.”

How then can we increase coincidences in our life? This is what this article will look at and hopefully help you on your path to reaching your goals quicker and easier.

A look at coincidence

For a coincidence to have any meaning we first have to recognize the importance of a coincidence and it’s meaning. That is to say, a coincidence is not a coincidence if we don’t recognize it as such.

How then to recognize a coincidence. When our minds are open to the possibilities of coincidences we will see them more and perhaps act on them. Acting on a coincidence simply means; recognizing it and doing something with it, if possible.

To give you an example of a coincidence which was acted upon. I have been thinking about writing a book for a while now and was still swithering whether or not to do it. A few weeks ago I jumped in the car, turned on the radio and hear Elvis Costello singing ‘Everyday I write the book’, a song I haven’t heard on the radio for over 20 years. I immediately thought that it was strange and started laughing to myself (not something I do all the time). I keep driving but switch radio stations and hear the radio presenter interviewing someone. The presenter had just finished asking his question, so when I tuned in I heard the guests reply: “If you’ve got a book inside you, the flame keeps burning. The only way to put the flame out is to write the book and get it out there.” or words to that effect.

To the person observing from the outside that seems like a coincidence of no particular importance. To me it meant something totally different and I acted on it, taking it as a sign. Whether it is a sign or not is irrelevant, the fact is that had I not heard the radio that day I might not have decided to write the book and try and get representation.

So, coincidences, whether you see them as chance happenings or divine messages can change your life. We all know of stories of amazing coincidences and how someone’s life has changed as a result of a coincidence. Why then don’t we try to increase our chances of a coincidence happening to us.

5 Steps to increasing your coincidence factor

1. Open up your mind

It does not matter if you know coincidence to be a matter of probability or if you believe it’s a sign from the ‘world mind’, opening up your mind to coincidences will increase your chances of spotting them and acting upon them.

2. Look for the signs

When we concentrate on our goals in life the chances are that you will see signs pertaining to your goals. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for these signs. The signs will be obvious. I am not talking about signs that would take a cryptographer months to figure out as we could read anything we see and hear to be a sign if we really look hard enough. I am talking about the obvious, in your face, signs, like the example I gave above.

3. Follow the signs

When you spot a coincidence, follow it, if you can, and see where it leads you. The signs might not lead you anywhere but it’s a hell of a lot of fun following them and sometimes they will lead you to a life changing event. Sometimes the coincidences just encourage us to keep going or give us a personal message, a message that is there for everyone to see however a message which we can take as a sign for ourselves.

4. Get yourself out there

Chance meetings, strange coincidences, and divine messages will never happen if we hole ourselves up in a bedroom with no TV, radio, or contact with the outside world. So, to increase your chances of reaching your goals in life quicker and to increase your coincidence factor, take action toward your goals. Taking action means putting yourself in alignment with your goals and seeking out ways to increase your chances of reaching your goals. If you want to be a famous chef, you’ll never get anywhere if you just cook for yourself.

5. The snowball effect

Once you have started opening up and accepting coincidences in your life, you will start to notice them more often. I believe this is you aligning yourself with an energetic force, an invisible force which can be used to better your life and the lives of others. The more you open up the more you will receive.

Esoteric nonsense?

Is this just a lot of new age nonsense, not worth the pixels on your computer? Only you can decide that.

“From the small cracks in life, lie the biggest opportunities”

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.~Gandhi~

We are often warned not to push anyone into a corner because that is when they fight their best and most vicious battles.

A cornered creature, man or animal, is dangerous, even vicious. That is the point at which one loses all fear. We become fearless when we lose that which we value the most. Because, when that happens, the rest doesn’t really seem to matter as much. And, we also realize the futility of having lived in fear of losing something that is now beyond reach.

We need to understand that we could possibly have been able to enjoy the finer intricacies of our object of desire much more if we hadn’t lived in constant fear of losing it. When we lose it, we see the futility of all the anxiety, the heartburn over it. We start looking for and finding ways of living without it. And the human mind and spirit, amazingly resilient as they are, discover reasons and conviction for why we are better off without that which is now lost.

That is the point at which you start enjoying the positive aspects of fearlessness. For, when you fear nothing, nobody can manipulate you anymore. You would be your own person and not dependent on anyone for your happiness or peace of mind. Your best bouts of courage are reserved for times when you have nothing to lose.

Fear in relationships

In relationships, most manipulations occur because we hand over the weapon of our fear to be used against us to those we love most. A lover is able to manipulate his beloved’s emotions by threatening withdrawal of love and care. He will sulk, not talk or withdraw caring gestures — all the things that a loved one values. So you give in, bow to the will of the lover, and make compromises, all for fear of losing that which is cherished.

On the other hand, if the lover overplays his hand and carries on the withdrawal act beyond a point, the beloved may finally get used to the idea of rejection and taking the loss as an accomplished fact, and lose all fear in the relationship.

Fear of losing leaves you impotent not just in relationships but also in everyday situations such as your work life, with friends or relatives and even with strangers. It extends beyond material things to prestige, respect, happiness, peace of mind, etc.

Fear in life

At work, how often we let people get away with delivering shoddy work, doing an injustice to someone or cheating us just because we fear losing our peace of mind over an altercation?? We allow incompetent people to underperform for fear of creating a situation and so losing our calm.

In financial situations, fear of loss makes us lose money! In the ’60s, reportedly a couple who invested big time in a single stock, PepsiCo, saw a major portion of their money vanish as the market took a downslide. This scared them so much that they not just dumped Pepsi, but never bought a single share after that. If they had only overcome that fear of loss, the same portion in PepsiCo would have been worth $3 million by now!

For courage is not just required for doing battle, but also for maintaining a sense of calm, for making money, for living a good life — in short for everything. The ‘fight or flight’ syndrome kicks in irrespective of the fact whether the thing we fear losing is physical, mental or a financial threat.

Those who can learn the trick of transcending this fear of loss, would find the courage to enjoy that which they love most while they still retain it. What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.

Think of the worst that can possibly happen. Get used to the idea and accept it. From there on, things can only get better… and you can acquire courage even as you retain the object you feared losing, for you fear that no more. You know loss is a possibility and you are moving ahead with that in mind.

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. ~Dale Carnegie~

This is the first in a two part series looking at how to write for your blog and share what I have learned over the last 3 years.

Writing is either something you love doing or hate doing. I think I fall into the latter category, I hate it but I love the creative process of writing and I love it when the words just quickly spill out onto the page.

Sometimes it’s like I’ve connected my mind Via USB cable to the computer and my thoughts just write themselves. Other times the USB has definitely been disconnected and there is an error in the system and it takes me a while to reconnect.

This post will show how I cope with the ups and downs of writing articles for blogs and hopefully give you some advice of how you can cope with writing and become better at it.

Know The Demographics

This may sound a little strange but you have to know the audience you are writing for. You wouldn’t get the comedian Billy Connelly playing to an audience of the women’s guild club. So it is with your blog, you have to know the people you are writing for.

The best way to do this, for me, is to think of a man and the woman who is going to read your blog. Now, describe them and ask the following questions:

What age are they?

What type of job do they have?

What is their income?

Do they have children?

What type of house do they have?

The reason why we do this is to get a picture in our head of the type of articles we should be writing, and we should always keep this in mind with every article we write. I wouldn’t write an article ‘Wordpress For The Advanced User’ if the demographics of my audience were aged 85, retired,and have little or no computer knowledge.

Similarly I wouldn’t write an article ‘Wordpress for beginners’ to an audience of computer geeks.

The reason I imagine a man and a woman, rather than just one person, is that men and women obviously think differently particularly with styles of humour. It is predominantly men who find jokes about farting funny whereas women, generally, don’t. So, we have to look at two sides when we are writing.

This might sound like hard work but believe me when you are practiced you will do these things automatically and it will become second nature to you.

Don’t Be Afraid To Drop Some Readers

You cannot please every reader who comes to your blog so there’s no point in trying. If you want to be contrarian and go against the crowd then do it. You might lose a few readers on the way however the people that do follow you will be loyal.

I made this mistake early on and am only now beginning to write the articles I really want to write and am prepared to lose a few readers who don’t like what I have to say. However, If I had started out this way I believe I would have built a better blog in a lot quicker time and honed the writing to a smaller smaller group of people who were more loyal.

I love reading Naomi Dunford’s Ittybiz because she writes the way she speaks. She curses and swears but does not care, her motto is if you don’t like it don’t read it. She has a great following who are very loyal and she has a great blog and business because of this.

This is true of life. We cannot please everybody, it’s absolutely impossible, so why bother trying. Develop the role of the type of person you want to be and be comfortable in that role. If you are not comfortable then change it. Who says our personalities have to be sticky, they don’t. If you don’t like something about yourself then change it and adapt to your new role.

Write Authentically

Writing authentically should always be your main goal when trying to connect with your readers. If you are not authentic it will definitely show in your writing. This Cannot really be said if you write articles for magazines as there is a certain style you have tow write in, however, if it’s your own blog you want your personality to shine through in your writing.

Using some slang is also not a bad thing to get your point across, but using it all the time would put a lot of readers off unless all your audience is from the same area as yourself and using local slang is permissible. Generally if you are trying to build a large audience you will have a lot of readers from outside your local area.

Be Different

Your posts are not going to stand out if you write another ‘Here is my cute little dog’ post, although that type of post gets a lot of hits for some reason

Being different doesn’t mean to say you have to be totally original, if that were the case there would only be a handful of blogs on the internet.

Blog posts will generally fall into 5 categories:

5 Common Types of Blog Post

Since the Ask The Coach Series is fast running out of questions I have a guided meditation for you to listen to, either on your PC or you can download it for free. This is called Forest walk.

Forest Walk Guided Meditation

It would be great to let me know what you think of it and give any feedback.

It would also be good if you have any requests for guided meditations

You can download the Forest Walk Guided Meditaiton here Just right click the link and save as a file on your desktop.

Here’s a thought that might spin your head.

Personal development is not personal! It’s not about you.

It IS personal in that what you ‘personally develop’ is particular to your beliefs, your skills, and your situation – but it’s not about the you who is unconditionally valuable and beyond judgement.

I said it would spin your head. But stick with me, there is good news to come.

Some words in the English language are what is called in linguistic studies – multi-ordinal. This means, in brief, that the same word means different things in different contexts. This is obvious if you consider that saying: ‘I love you’ to your fluffy cute dog or cat is not the same as saying it to your husband or wife in bed. It’s the same word, different context and hence different meanings.

So why is this good news for you and your personal development?

It’s good news if you are someone who personalises comments, who feels that you’re being talked about, that you have to have your radar always on in case someone says something bad about you.

Secondly, if you are someone who says “‘I’ failed” and feels bad about yourself (rather than just not getting the result you want), it could be because you are confusing the levels of ‘you’ involved in what actually happened.

It’s good news because you are not what you do. It’s not about you.

Despite what the people around you say.

This might help: NLP pioneer Robert Dilts created a model called the Neuro-logical levels which suggested that change could be made at the following levels:

· Mission
· Identity
· Values
· Beliefs
· Capabilities
· Behaviour
· Environment

You will notice that Identity (who you ARE) is at a different level to Capabilities and Behaviour – what you do.

As a Meta-Coach I find that the act of linking judgements of performance with personal worth often stops people from taking actions and risks they need in order to progress. They feel that the essential core of who they are is being threatened.

The you that knows itself as ‘I’ doesn’t want to change.

But who or what is ‘I’?

Try this: say to yourself: “I have feelings but I am not my feelings…my feelings change but I remain (pause)…I have beliefs but I am not my beliefs…my beliefs change but I remain (pause)…I have a body but I am not my body…my body changes but I remain.

Emphasise the ‘I’. It has a strange effect, doesn’t it?

So if ‘I’ am not any of these things…then what am I?

Many say “I think, therefore I am”.

Up front I’ll state my perspective.

I’m a Christian and I believe that God created me and put His life in me. That life is unconditionally valuable and cannot be devalued. That is what constitutes ‘I’ for me.

I also believe that He gave me the kind of consciousness that enables me to think about myself and all aspects of myself.

Thus, – you might want to read this twice – the thinker (which is me/I) is not the same as what is thought about – my thoughts.

So for me ‘I’ is a spiritual issue, and I (and its/my value) is separate from what I think. “I am – therefore I think”.

I know others will have different ideas and we each have to choose what we base our understanding of ourselves on.

What I have done, however, is develop a concept of ‘I’ that is not affected by the judgements that are made about what I do.

How would this idea work if you did it?

For one, this makes it much easier to pick up the phone and have my ideas rejected rather than my ‘self’ rejected.

And concerning ‘failure’ (which is another one of those ‘multi-ordinal words.) if you fail, what exactly failed?

Was it YOU – the entire mind body system that supposedly constitutes who you are?

Did you mind shut down?
Did your blood stop pumping?
Did your immune system shut down?
Did your muscles atrophy?
Did your throat muscles die?

Did those things ‘fail’? Because that is what you are saying if ‘I’ am my thoughts-body etc

Was it the YOU that remains even if your beliefs and values change? (I stopped believing in Santa at least two years ago…)

Or is it just that your mental blueprint for doing something was incomplete or inaccurate?

You had a missing piece of knowledge.

Something you knew was out-of-date.

Would that be so bad? After all, databases need updating, don’t they? We’ve all had letters for previous tenants or with the name misspelled.

I like to think of my thoughts as tools. Along with my understanding and application of my faith, I want my mind and body to serve me.

Distinguishing ‘I’ as director and overseer from the ‘I’ who thinks and acts may seem a little schizophrenic to some.

But if you consider that since the ‘recession’ started there have been several high profile suicides of very rich people who lost a lot of money – and who may have connected some important aspect of self with the amount of money they had – maybe separating worth and doing, worth and possessions is not such a bad idea after all.

Jesus said: “A man’s life does not consist of his possessions.”

So – do you still think that if I get something wrong the failure is about my worth?
Is personal development still personal?

Look me in the ‘I’ and say that.

This weeks Sunday Siesta is all about bloggers who have managed to quit their day job to become professional bloggers. I have been reading a lot about this lately since I will be doing it soon. I thought it might be interesting to look at a few bloggers who have turned pro and link to their stories of how they managed to quit their day jobs.

9 10 Bloggers Who Have Quit Their Day Job and Turned Pro

Jonathan Mead

IlluminatedMind.net – So I Quit My Day Job, Dear Boss: You’re Fired – I like Jonathan’s story of how he managed to go from working as a file clerk to managing an employee recognition program to finally giving up his day job, ’stop renting out his mind’ and go solo. You can download his free ebook ‘The Zero Hour Work Week’

Leo Babuata

ZenHabits.net - So I Quit My Day Job – Holy Cow! I Took the Plunge – I love Leo’s story and it really couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. He quit his day job with U.S. military veterans for the Guam Legislature in January 2008 after a meteoric rise with his blog, which has around 130,000 subscribers. He is now a published author: ‘The Power of Less’, has written a best selling ebook: ‘Zen To Done’ and has done so much more since he started blogging in 2007. His story is a fantastic one and is well worth a read.

Caroline Middlebrook

CarolineMiddlebrook.com – About Caroline Middlebrook – I remember Caroline at the very beginning of her blog and I even remember writing a piece on her called ‘The woman who quit her day job’ Caroline did it the hard way and quit her job as a software developer and started the blog from scratch. She now has over 11,000 subscribers, has written several eBooks and has become very successful in the blogging world.

Tina Su

ThinkSimpleNow.com – Dream to Reality: How I Quit My Day Job – One of my favourite personal development bloggers. Tina Su really is an inspiration to many and she has done so much in such a short space of time. She has a loyal following and is well thought of in the blogging community.

Daniel Scocco

DailyBlogTips.com – Make Money Blogging – Daniel is another blogging hero of mine. Not because he has quit his day job, but simply because he has great advice on his blog about blogging. he gave up his job at the age of 22 and has never looked back since. He is now a successful consultant and professional blogger.

Yaro Starak

Entrepreneurs-Journey.com – One Day In A Life – One of the best business bloggers on the net and one of the first blogs I sat up and paid attention to and thinking blogging was possible as a career. I love Yaro’s podcasts as they are always insightful.

J.D. Roth

GetRichSlowly.com – Quitting the Day Job: Finding the Guts to Pursue Your Dreams – I haven’t read much of the blog from JD but have read his story and read a few interviews from him. His blog is all about fiance and is geared toward the american market however there are great articles about attitude to money. JD is another inspiration to me and when you read the story you will understand why.

Steve Pavlina

StevePavlina.com – Blogging for Money – Steve’s blog was the blog that started it all for me back in August 2006. I soaked up his writing and listened to the podcasts and thought WOW! this is what I want to do. I am not so keen on Steve’s stuff now but his older material is still amazing and I often listen to his podcasts.

Darren Rowse

Problogger.net – Becoming A ProBlogger – Save the best for last Darren is perhaps one of the best known bloggers out there. The former Minister turned pro in 2005. Read his story it’s brilliant.

Celestine Chua

CelestineChua.com – Celestine Chua’s Story – I totally forgot about Celestine and she has been in my circle for some time now.  Celestine left a fortune 100 company to start a coaching business and start her blog and she has been very successful starting her School of Personal Excellence

I know I have missed a few famous bloggers out but hopefully if you are looking to becoming a blogging professional it will give you some inspiration as it has me and countless others.

I have been into personal development for over 15 years and sometimes there are moments that just hit you square in the face and scream ‘Pay attention to me’. No doubt you have gone through life and you get these moments, they’re called ‘A-ha moments’, when you just get it, whatever you’ve been trying to figure out.

There have been quite a few of these moments in my life but none more profound than than the one I’m about to share with you now.

The Key To Success Is Making

Others A Success

Now, you’d think that would be well known and everybody would say ‘Duh, I knew that already!’ but so few people know of this key or really grasp it’s importance.

In any field you happen to be in, if you go out of your way to help people better themselves you will become known as the person to go to.

Be the person to go to

At work I am known as the ‘Computer Man’, no matter what the problem is; Word documents, excel spreadsheets, trying to find a lost image file, undoing things etc. That’s because I love the computers and even though I don’t know most of the things on the computer I use the little tab that says ‘help’ and figure it out within a few minutes. Why do most people ignore this little ‘help’ button; probably because in every workplace there is always someone like me.

If you make yourself the person to go to at work you can make yourself the person to go to outside work and start a business or a part time venture whereby you become the person to go to in a small niche. You do this by giving away free information, give great advice and generally being a nice person. When you become quite well known for the person to go to, then that’s when your business really starts.

My friend, Dragos Roua, has become the guy to go to about blogging, within his circle of friends. And due to this he is now starting to do blogging seminars, why? because he’s helped people for free in the past, built up his knowledge while showing others what to do and generally being a nice guy. Now he has another income stream, all because he become the person to go to.

Helping others

When you help others become a success you undoubtedly will become a success yourself, however, you still need the business savvy and the business guts to put yourself out there.

Never call yourself an expert, let others call you the expert, but put it out there that you know what you’re talking about and help others achieve what they want to achieve.

I realised this a while ago but am only now beginning to put into motion the second stage of this and that is having the business guts to get out there.

What’s your story?

Have you realised this key already, if so what’s your story and how did it help yourself and others?