Channeling My Inner Nancy Botwin

Grrr

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 11 Oct 2013 05:01:00 +0000

I don't know how to like interact with him sometimes. I think I have an idea and then it's wrong,and I don't know how to express my anger or annoyance....I don't like that part.

First Sign It Was Going Somewhere

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 07:41:00 +0000

yesterday night he said this thing about how if I'm not careful, this could end up as a relationship. It's odd, everything is going fast, it's only been a week, but it feels ok at the same time. There are things he does, like kissing me all over the place, like playfully, that reminds me of Vic. That stuff scares me because it reminds me of an almost relationship, and I don't want a repeat of that.

He said I'm in control and nothing will happen that I don't want to happen. The only problem is that what I want-what I mean gets all switched up in the heat of the moment, I need to talk to him before hand, about what I don't want and why. I don't want this to be one of those things where I end up resenting things, because I feel pushed into something. I want this to just be us and easy and slow

That Slow Burn, That's Not an STD or UTI!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 07:41:00 +0000

It's weird, because as frustrated and like outside of myself as I feel sometimes, I still find myself missing him or excited to see him. It's different from when we first started dating, there was an urgency in my missing him. My heart would start beating fast when I was driving home from work and then I'd feel like I flew up the stair to his door. Now it's different I don't feel that way now, it's like a slower burn. I was actually pretty amazed by how fast that switched from the fact panicky missing feeling to like this slow stead missing thing.

Even when I feel frustrated or confused by him, like this weekend, I still had that slow missing him thing that would sneak in while I was doing things. I'm excited to sleep in tomorrow.

My Minds Always Playin' Tricks on Me (I'm a Weirdo)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 07:40:00 +0000

Writing helps me feel better, like less crazy. Ever since our second date yesterday, I've been thinking that I am going home with him this Christmas. I don't know why I think this, it makes no sense, and its bordering on creepy. But none the less I have this thought firmly planted in my head. There are so many reasons why, this thought makes sense. I meet him not even a week ago, he's amazingly random, he actually acts his age.... I don't think I'm making this list the right way, or proving my point, or following any particular sentence structure, but still.

So yea, I've had this weird thought like glued in my head, and I don't know why and it makes me feel like one of those crazy I'm doodling your name in my notebook girls. Meh, I don't know. I do know I have a crap memory so I will write down date two before I forget. We met at my favorite Thai place, he chose lunch, but I got to chose the place. And we ate and talked and I didn't get any food stuck in my braces, I think, but I did accidentally throw a carrot on the floor. On a side note, how weird is it that when I decide to start legitimately date again after like, oh idk 2 years, it's when I have braces? Like really?!?!? Ok, back on track. So we talked for like an hour and a half and then he said he wanted ice cream so we walked, because I said it was only 2 blocks away, but really it was like 6 blocks away, and you know what, it didn't matter. It didn't matter, because the conversation was fun and being around him is fun, and I like slowly getting to know him. Then we ate our ice cream and walked back, and I had to go, because Becky had her house warming thing, and I wanted him to kiss me, but he didn't and I think I like that he didn't even more then if he had.

It's perfect, I'm kind of leaning back and letting him take the lead on it. It's weird too, because he is one of those good guys, so I can let him take the lead. I don't want to rush into anything, I don't want to do anything I will regret, and so it's really nice to go out with a guy that I don't have to fight off, I don't have to put up all these walls in anticipation of all the bad things he's going to do. Don't get me wrong there are still boundaries and I'm still really weary of things, but that's just how I am, and I've made so many, just bad decisions, I think I'm allowed to have a few walls. For now at least.

It's funny, because even though this is exactly what I want I still was second guessing myself last night. Like oh, he didn't kiss me so does that mean he's not interested? It's just crazy, because for so long a "relationship" "dating" meant that it was all physical, I showed that I liked a guy by being physical and vice versa. I told Seakly a few months back that the things I wanted to be friends with the next guy I dated, the guy I decided to be serious with. I wanted to be friends with him and I want us to be inclusive, not exclusive. While I want to have that close intimate relationship with someone I don't want it to be an island of just us, I want us to exist in the realm of other people.

I'm getting ahead of myself, but maybe that's the whole point of this post. I think meeting a guy that makes me think, what if, reminds me of all the things that I said I wanted, all the things I want.

First Love

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 07:38:00 +0000

I'm trying to do my homework and can't focus right now, and I realize that I am being a total bitch, which makes me feel bad. It's been 2 weeks and I, I want to say I love him, I mean I know, I know that I don't but he does such nice things for me. He's so good to me, and I love him for that. I've had such not nice guys, guys that make me have to put up barriers and boundaries, it's nice to not have a guy who needs that. So while it's not like full fledged, real head over heels love, it is something, something different and good, and I don't wanna loose it.

Time for homework, and too focus.

First Kiss

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 07:37:00 +0000

today feels so long, like this afternoon was forever ago. We went on the hike, and it was hot, we chatted the whole way up, which was nice to. And then when we walked back to our cars and I gave him the Dora band aids he kissed me, or I kissed him, I can't remember, but it was good. Like it was an eager kiss and I liked that, because I could feel how much he wanted me in that kiss. In a good way, in an enough way.

Then we went out again later for yogurt and that was nice because we made out for 4 hours! High school style. All that physical stuff is nice, but I don't want to loose track of our friendship either. That's the important part, the different stuff.

wishing and hoping

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 07:36:00 +0000

He does this thing, that I really like. He sends me a text each morning, at 9:30ish during his last break, and it's my favorite thing that he does. I always get so excited waiting for his text, but I can't focus right now, I'm waiting for him to text me. It's silly, but I felt like saying something would help me focus better, I have a whole 2 hours before then and then 2 more hours on top of that before I see him

.....waiting.

I think today might be first kiss day, I'm hoping.

I have this headache

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 02 Sep 2013 05:30:00 +0000

I have this headache....I can feel it right behind my left eye. Just sitting there kind of pulsating, I can feel it's roots digging down into the socket. I'm just sad for so many reasons like too many to figure out. They're all muddled together. Lots of things years of things, things that have been dealt with, but then not really, and new stuff, but it just mirrors the old stuff. Who I am and how that all gets put together.

It's not nice, it doesn't feel nice, at least usually it's mildly pleasant, but today it's not. Just muddled and not good feeling.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 11 Jul 2013 05:26:00 +0000

Sheesh!

So This Weird Thing Happened.....

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 03:14:00 +0000

This is a few days old, so yeaaa,

So yesterday I went on a coffee day, and it turned into a two and a half hour coffee date, and it was amazing. I mean there was talk of midget tossing, wheel chair tiping, and library scavanger hunts, it was really weird, but in a good way. It was also kind of weird because this was the first time that I like really legitimatly made a connection, felt a connection with one of these online guys its weird. Like we talked the whole time I really enjoyed talking to him, we clicked. i just don't know if it was solely clicking on like a friend level or if it was clicking on an, ok I could get used to this kinda level. The conversation was good, because it was like this awesome whitty banter and while it was kinda exhausting to keep up it was fun, like in a weird way. I would classify the whole thing as weird, but good.

* another example of something weird but good.

So this is what I do after I have an awesome experience. I begin to stress over it and disect every small detail, and wonder what it means if he text me and what it means if he doesn't text me. and I start to discet every single word that he says and think what does it really mean. I don't know how much of this is being and girl and how much of this is me being kinda screwed up in the head from Vic, and other not so nice guys. Hmm, whatever the case, I don't like this. I wish I could be one of those blunt girls, I'm thinking Tannaz and Melissa, who can just tell guys what they want. Like hey, I want you to be with me kapeche. I'm not sure if that's how you spell kapeche, and I've never heard either of them actually say kapeche, but I imagine that their putting their boys on lockdown is something similar along those lines.

Writing all this down helps, while yes I still feel like a crazy person. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm imagining myself having some random guys babies or whatever, but I would like something more substantial than just being used, because lately that's what that part of things has felt like, being used and I don't like it. Also while part of me can admit that being excited or happy or whatever over an experience like this is normal, I DON'T LIKE IT!!! I don't know why I don't like it and it's perfectly ok for other people to feel that way, I just don't like when I do it. I want something serious, something good. He just txt me, weird....but good.

Update

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 20:41:00 +0000

Yay! I got into a grad program. I have mixed feeling about the whole thing. I'm really excited to be moving my life along after 2- years of basically just waiting, but part of me is really sad to leave OT behind-for now.

That's the sucky thing that no one ever tells you. Applying to a masters program is supposed to be easy. I mean yea, it's hard work to get into school, but I was under this false (idiotic) assumption that you do a little work, you jump through all the hoops, and you get in. The thing is the process of just getting into school is so difficult. You try to get into classes you wait, you get into the classes more waiting, apply to schools MORE WAITING. The whole process is entirely frustrating and kinda horrible when you don't get in and have to wait for a whole year to turn around and do it all over again.

So, yea, I decided I didn't want to wait anymore. I'm not sure if it's a cop out or not. I'm looking at is like a reshuffling of what I want to do. I knew that if I did OT I wanted to get my BCBA- so I'm going to shuffle my plan and stay where I'm at now career wise and pursue get my masters in ABA. I'm really excited to get this thing started, but really nervous.

These last couple of months of not having school, volunteering, or church have left a huge hole in my schedule. At the beginning of summer I had full 8 hour days 5 to 6 days a week and now I have work and lots of holes in my schedule. I think the thing that made me decide to apply and readjust my goals was all that open space. Although I'm kinda of scared thinking about how school will be especially when it's all online.

This thing has been very rambly, but my point is here's to a new adventure!

School

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 20:25:00 +0000

Is giving me a headache! Or the trying to get into school part anyway.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 04:56:00 +0000

I might be changing my mind. I'm at one of these points in life where I'm looking at everyone else where they are and what they have and I can't help but hurt a little bit. The rational part of my brain tells me not to, but then again I've never been to good at listening to that side of my brain.

I must be crazy.......

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 21:06:00 +0000

because I'm applying to OT programs again!

And let me tell you it is a lot easier the second time around, because everything is so organized and ready to go. I'm only applying to a few programs this year (I think) and I'm also applying to some programs that would allow me to get my BCBA.

I took some time to really focus and think about what it is that I wanted to do and why I want to pursue OT.

Rejection!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 19:05:00 +0000

So I heard back from SJSU...I heard back fast with a big fat no..... so that's kinda a sucky feeling. I'm trying to be optimistic, so we'll see what everyone else has to say.

Update!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:45:00 +0000

I can't believe that it's been 2 months since I've last posted, crazy!

Still no news, I'm starting to get antsy and contemplating back up plans. It's weird after this crazy long journey to think I might not get in. I don't think I'm being pessimistic, I think it's just smart to think of all possible outcomes.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 07:06:00 +0000

Somehow I still manage to have applications and letters and checks that I need to turn in. I mean a girl turns in her OTCAS application and pays a couple of fees and then bam!

So I have to finish Puget Sound's personal statement (which is done), and fax it in (not done), and then pay for it (definitely not done).

No more updates besides that stuff.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 07:30:00 +0000

I finally dropped my SJSU application in the mail! Woohooo, now it's just the tense waiting stressful part, and boy am I stressed/worried/scared/hopeful. I also need to finish my Loma Linda applications and decide if I'm actually applying.

I just can't take all this stress it's all just to much on me :/

Update!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:20:00 +0000

USC app in...working on SJSU

Update

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 03:44:00 +0000

My OTCAS application is in and I just need to finish my San Jose personal statement, which is getting reviewed for the oh, I don't know 20,000th time. The process has been long, arduous, and kind of scary. The thing that has me kicking myself in the butt is everything should have been done and turned in a month ago, but I'm not going to lie, I'm scared.

I know that occupational therapy is what I want to do, but graduate schools may not see it that way or even care what I think I should do. The whole application review process is just scary, because it's the schools reviewing you and saying "we think you've got what it takes" or "eh, I think we're gonna pass". I've been terrified to let my applications go, because I always have this doubt like am I smart enough or good enough to do this? But I guess you just have to take that leap and go with it. Sure, it's terrifying, but it's all kind of exciting too.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 05:04:00 +0000

seriously almost done!

SO Totally NOT Channeling My Inner Nancy Botwin

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 05:08:00 +0000

You may have noticed that I have been MIA for quite some time. That is because I have been out living life, traveling the world, trying new things.... Only not really. I've been swamped with class work, Anatomy is actually kind of hard, albeit very interesting and driving a ton to get to all my different cases at work.

Also I haven't paid for my apps yet. Sure I set the money aside every pay check and it actually sits there for a while, before I decide that I need to spend it on something else. This is me procrastinating. I actually haven't been this bad in a while. In fact I don't think I've ever been this bad with my procrastination. My apps have been done for the last, oh, I don't know month and a half?!?!?!?!?!

I know I need to let it go and just send everything out, but I'm scared, because once it's out of my hands that it! Although procrastinating until the last minute isn't going to help me any either. Insert face [exasperated]

How You Gonna Pay For It?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:52:00 +0000

It's official, I am done writing SOPs!

Now, I just have to scrounge up the 60,thousandchbillion, err I mean $400 or so I need to pay for my applications. I think that's the one thing that everyone fails to mention, how expensive this whole process is.

I mean you know grad schools expensive, but noone was like, "Hey, OTCAS charges $125 for the first app and then $45 for each additional school" and UCSD sure as hell, never sent me an email informing me that transcripts went from $8 to $16, and I have to request 6 copies. It really adds up.

Between taking the GRE (twice), GRE tutor, and application fees, I've easily spent around $1500, and I know that's on the low end of what people spend. When I decided I wanted to follow my passion (sounds cheesy) and pursue OT I should have started putting away a couple of hundred a month, but because I am not one for planning ahead I've had to pay for things as I go.

The scary thing is that all of this application and pre application stuff is just the beginning.

Common Application

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 14:19:00 +0000

My common app is almost done. Well, technically it is done, I just need to trim it. I'm so grateful and thankful to my wonderful friends and family who added all of their amazing input and help that pithy little thing I originally wrote sound like something that came from real life grad student.

Ot school here I come!

My Personal Statement & My Addiction to Mad men

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 03:54:00 +0000

So I've been working on my personal statement for the last two weeks. I'm working on completing the personal statement for the common app first and then I'll kinda go from there. Inspiration comes in little burst, so when I spend a good amount of time alternating between Mad Men and personal statements.

I can't help but think that if I was Donald Draper I would have no problem thinking about something to say about something. Although on the down side I'd probably be a colossal ass hole with a drinking problem and VD