Right now you are likely asking yourself, “Why do I care, it’s never going to change, people are just not willing to change, to learn, to see?”   Because I can’t, I know I too much. I am not a story of one person, I am community of many who share my desire.

Six years ago I lived a hell, telling you of that night will sound like an impossible tale, the stuff of vivid imaginations.  Standing in frigid water that was rushing into our home I desperately tried to get her out.   She calmly begged me, “I need you to stay calm, be my hero and get me out”.  But the water was relentless and kept rising and a dive team was deployed to find her. Would it a rescue, or recovery of her body?   They had her and they had a pulse.   For a moment I was hopeful, was this some miracle of the blessed, because for the first time in my life I felt blessed beyond measure to finally be at peace in my life.   You see, 33 years had been far too many years to reject a truth, an unspeakable shame. I couldn’t come to terms with of who I knew was.   But she… she knew who I was, she thought I could do anything, however that night I realized I was no superhero, I was a mere mortal foiled by a storm that raged without consideration.

I have learned that when you survive a trauma you are transformed against your will; you are forever changed. At a very young age I was an unwilling participant in a personal hell, a hell that left my brothers and I navigating abuse, alcoholism and fear, it made me/us experts at protecting ourselves, I learned to be very cleaver, hiding from the unwanted touch of abuse, I felt helpless in those moments, but I now realize they taught me a very valuable skill… they taught me how to survive what most could never dream.   The words and chaos in a home filled with anger and fear have faded, what I thought was my hell then, turned out to be the training facility for my life, recalled many years later.

But nothing prepares you for discrimination, it has the power to cut you to the core, and I felt the full force of it’s assault and I had to make a decision, do I cower from the pain or do I stand and take it?  As if living through the night of my wife’s death wasn’t enough, it was only half the story.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the wall I hit that lacked any regard or compassion for who I was, who we were as I stood to be by my wife’s side that night.  What it came down to was the fact that I was deemed nothing, nobody, not capable of being her advocate, and it was a slap, and as I obediently stood there and endured the neglectful demand for proof, I frantically hunted for a cell phone to find anyone who could validate our life of ten years.  I was told, “I had no right.” I had no what? It made no sense?  It was an assault to the senses that brought me back to that little girl who couldn’t escape the abuse, who had to figure out how to survive the mess, and do what had to be done.

But I was resolute as I said goodbye to my wife that night for the last time, that this would be the last time I was ever going to be told “you are not the same”, that I was not worthy of any semblance of compassion.  Apparently ten years was not a measure of, nor a clear acknowledgement of the life we had.

I have lived with the knowledge for six years that I was no superhero that night, or today.  What’s with the cape anyway, what’s the point?  Likely it would be my failing, I’m pretty sure of it, in fact I know I would get it caught in the car door, or tripping on it.  But all kidding aside someone had to hear my words, as I said before, because I knew that it would happen again to someone else, and it has, but she asked me to be her hero that night and what I couldn’t do that night I now would to avenge her honor.

So, I have told of that night and the discrimination we faced to senators, governors, students, the President, I spoke of the pain and yes, anger too that at times cannot be easily contained by mere words, it’s actually more of a cry, but mostly… a prayer for understanding for compassion to understand the dignity of another.

The first time I spoke of our story, it was in a Senate hearing in Washington State, the room was filled with a community of souls wondering what this destroyed heart would say that might make “them” finally understand who we are was too much to be contained in that moment or that room. It was a room spilling over with our collective hope.  Why are we continually being asked to be patient, to just wait for an uncertain acknowledgement of our lives, for our families? Families that lack the social safety nets of Federally protected legal protections.

The collateral damage of inequality will continue, and the demands of figuring out what our families are going to be asked to navigate so vividly reminds me over and over that we are looked upon as not like the rest. They are right! We aren’t, but it’s their differences, their perceptions, and their fears, that mark a difference.   We are not like them when we are asked to produce proof, we are asked to jump through hoops, and we are asked to carry our papers, as some form of acknowledgement.  We are asked to sit down, you have no right; you are not like us.

So often it’s an ugly discussion, equality; mostly from people who say, “Well, they don’t act like “us.” They say we are asking for “special rights”.  I have had too may encounters, discussions and debates that were reduced to claims of our desire for genderless relationships that pointed to our eventually quest to marry our dogs or brothers of sisters.  And it’s tricky, but mostly it’s heartbreaking, I marvel at the term used liberally… Same “SEX” Marriage, do we call it Hetro “SEX” marriage?  No, but it is a moment of understanding, it’s kind of about the s.e.x. for them.  But in the end, it comes down to… we are not like them.  They ask, “why not call it something else?” Something else you say?  Well, then we don’t have to feel uncomfortable, but please just make something up for God’s sake!, but not the word marriage. I often wonder, for God’s sake or for your sake?

Let’s back up the bus a minute, In 1996 President Clinton signed into law one of most damaging pieces of legislation for LGBT families, it was decided that if Hawaii at the time allowed gay and lesbian families the right of marriage, then they must be stopped from receiving any Federal acknowledgement of their marriages, thus being denied any Federal benefits.  The Federal Defense of Marriage Act or DOMA is a United States law that restricts federal marriage benefits and required inter-state marriage recognition to only opposite-sex marriages.  A side note, DOMA passed both houses of Congress by large majorities.  Section 3 of DOMA classifies the non-recognition of same-sex marriages for all Federal purposes, including insurance benefits for government employees, Social Security survivors’ benefits, immigration rights, and the filing of joint tax returns.  The Obama administration said that section 3 of DOMA was unconstitutional and, though it would continue to enforce the law, it would no longer defend Section 3 of DOMA, which by the way has been found unconstitutional in eight federal courts, including the First and Second Circuit Court of Appeals. Section 3 says marriage is only between one man and one woman.

The U.S. Supreme Court on March 27^th this year heard oral arguments in two cases that look at the constitutionality of DOMA.

The hope is that by hearing the oral arguments for fairness, compassion, and with a hope an understanding that these cases are clearly providing the breaking point for reason, a long fought contentious legal battle that now sits in the hands of 11 people, Justices, who with any luck will vote that DOMA is unconstitutional and lacks due process which as many of us know would forbid states and local governments from depriving tax paying citizens life, liberty, and the assurances of fairness.

So we wait again for an uncertain acknowledgement of equality.  Justice Alito gave the most riveting argument saying… “Same-sex marriage is very new. I think it was first adopted in the Netherlands in 2000, It may turn out to be a good thing; it may turn out not to be a good thing … But you want us to step in and render a decision based on an assessment of the effects of this institution, which is newer than cell phones or the Internet?” I’m confused, marriage is not new, but perhaps the idea of equality is new to Justice Alito.    Justice Kennedy, who is likely the swing vote asked about the legal harm to children, but not in the way those opposed would have hoped he would have said, he spoke of the voice of children not being heard, of the legal injury they would suffer without their parents being granted the right of marriage.  And I can answer for one little voice, her name is Etta Jean and I’m her tickle buddy, but proudly, her Momma who gets chided for winding her up too close to bedtime, who then holds her little hand that tries to reach for my curls trying to get me to play one last time as she drinks her bottle.

Justices’, we are parents, lovers, widows, wife’s and husbands, we go to work each day as doctors, teachers, lawyers, and labor’s, we pay our taxes, we bury our loves, hold our babies, and we kiss goodnight our superheroes, and wait,  and we wait, but in truth we desire that moment when justice will be looked upon with compassion, dignity and grace.

That remarks from the justice’s lacked substance is an understatement. To have Justice Alito ponder how to proceed with allowing the right of marriages to gay and lesbian couples because they really have only been being granted as long as the advent of cell phones is preposterous. There appears to not be enough information for Justice Kennedy if children will or can thrive in homes with gay and lesbian parents.  Wait, I can answer that Judge Kennedy, being a Mother and wife, I can assure you my daughter is thriving and safe.  Justice Kennedy I can also tell you that being raised in a heterosexual household with both my father and mother present did nothing to provide me with an environment that allowed me to feel safe or loved, but instead I navigated, alcoholism, sexual abuse, and threats that I would be sent away if I revealed my abuse, violent outburst and emotional neglect. The scars of that environment have been hashed out for years on the couches of counselors at a tremendous personal expense, but somehow that is the healthiest environment to raise a child.  Children of gay and lesbian parents do not need a mother and father to know what love is, they need love, stability and parents who give them their best, no matter if the parents are biological, gay, lesbian or straight.

The lack of empathy that those opposed to marriage equality exhibit expresses a scarcity of empathy of the often exhaustive steps gay and lesbian families must go through to not only become parents, but to be able to have legal recognition when we need it most, is indicative of the real dispute before the Supreme court and what continues to be sidestepped in the divisive language of the ill informed.

Against all odds and under pressure from those that seek to limit and corrupt the true definition of what a family is… has cast gay marriage proponents as less then worthy of the title and right to share in the full equality and ultimately security of national recognition.  What the justices are lacking in their scrutiny, are the real moments in so many of our lives.  Seeing my daughter hunting for her first Easter eggs, or holding her hand with her Mommy and I as she takes her first steps, are not unlike many families that wait for equality.  It is these little moments of happiness that make many of us who anticipate equality hopeful that one day this nation will truly be about liberty, equality and justice for all.

Waiting 33 years of my life to acknowledge a “true identity” as a woman who was attracted to another woman I know of the internalized pressure that at times felt unbearable and filled with trepidation and concern that my world would be destroyed if I uttered my true feelings and desires.  I can still feel the pain in my gut trying to speak of the need to be that honest person I had stuffed away for so many years. An identity conceived at birth and not chosen, suppressed for far too long because of intolerance and fear of ridicule, or at the very least, marginalization.

As the memory of that honesty and the host of emotions of being in love with a woman I consider my wife for nine beautiful years and the transformation of my world when I realized our commitment meant little when I needed to be her advocate when she drowned just inches from me. Our commitment meant little to the world I encountered. Instead, the suffering we both endured in those few inches and the days that proceeded would necessitate holding a mirror up to anyone that would care to look and ask, “why does this make sense to anyone?”  Many agreed it was the thought process of the ill informed and indifferent, born out of ignorance and fear, while others thought it unimportant and irrelevant, or the just rewards for a life of bad choice and sin.

The stark and cold reality that we are not considered relevant, or worthy of inclusion, in the moral fabric of this country and entitled to compassion and equality is an unfathomable slap across the face that leaves a constant and humiliating sting on far too many in this country.  As that personal insult of six years ago fades it has spurred in me an understanding through the people I have met who tell me through their tears of hope that we will see a change in the politics of this country, I want to believe the Supreme Court will be able to see past the academic exercise of the law and it’s application and focus on the real world application of their decision on the lives it will affect and the possibility that they have a real opportunity to move ever closer to the point when the idea of inequality will be something for future generations to muse in wonderment as to the possibility of it ever existing.

Last night, at a joint meeting was held with both the Washington State Human Rights Commission and the Snohomish County Human Rights Commission.  The Snohomish County Commission was established at the request of Snohomish country citizens.  The meeting was intended to be a public forum for citizens to be introduced and educated about both the Washington State Human Rights Commission and the work that is being done to advance civil rights enforcement in Snohomish County.

I am always a bit surprised by the lack of civic participation, and last night was no different, however the discussion that ensued launched the meeting to a heated, and confrontational and yes, difficult example of why civil discord is still very much a part of our social consciousness.

A gentleman asked very honestly did the state really have a need for a Civil Rights Commission… are the rights of others really being violated, he then went on to say that he saw nothing on the Commissions website that spoke of “white rights”.

The energy in the room as you might imagine became intense as a flood of ideals and beliefs filled everyone. The long and tragic history of discrimination in our country is with the passage of time being disregarded and pushed aside as something that is over and resolved.  It felt as if we overlook it ever happened, it then can become folklore and thus mythologized as the years pass as nothing more than a misunderstanding.  How quickly we forget that those that came before us sacrificed, often with their very lives for the protections we have today.

Where are we today regarding the understanding of civil rights, what is the real record of discrimination and the cases that are filed daily.  The questions I cannot ignore is…who is the next population that is targeted and pointed to as different that we can assert our authority over and justify our beliefs based on feeling that they are just not entitled to the same inalienable rights as we are simply because they are not like “us”.

Often what makes someone spur into advocacy is a need for a voice of clarity and education.  The moment one chose’s to advocate it often comes from a deep and painful epiphany that others are harming others based simply on personal bias and ignorance.   The knowledge to speak up often comes from a unique perspective that unless you have lived it, you cannot ignore the pain, nor can one escape the knowledge that got one there.

Martin Luther King lived in a time of tremendous discrimination simply because the color of a man’s skin mattered to another. He became a voice for millions who felt they had no voice; he spoke without fear, he spoke with a dignity and grace for justice that we cannot ignore. His desire was to always to build bridges of empathy and yet it was the ignorance of others that took his life.  He did not die in vain, his vision and passion, and advocacy and beliefs became a clear and extraordinarily appalling example of why civil rights are a part of our lives today as they were fifty years ago.  It is a reminder working for equality, and civil rights enforcement and education are never done.

I’ve always struggled with the unanswerable question of “why?”  I have spent the last six years trying to figure out the “why” of the events that set my life on a course that I never imagined I would take.  In truth we can’t change the marching on of time, just as we can’t always understand the whys .  We can neither predict it nor can we forget it.  But what I do know is we can affect it.  2013 is a new moment in our lives to be the authors, leaders and examples that can affect the outcome of the history of our world.  I look forward to the challenge, and the journey of that challenge.   Happy New Year friends – what will be the history of your life in 2013?

Sadly, I hear versions of this story a lot.  It’s deeply heartbreaking that a parent can be so calloused and ignorant of their child’s life.  As a parent I look at my child and try to fathom not believing in who she is and the woman she will become – gay or straight.  I recall my own struggle to be honest with my sexuality: the fear of rejection that haunted me, the biting words intended to belittle, the damnation that was to befall anyone who made a “choice” to be gay.  Like many, I suffered for years in silence.  I stuffed feelings and emotions to the point of misery and depression.  It was when I finally found my personal strength and fortitude to be honest that I actually discovered peace in my heart.

Time and time again those who feel they are being asked to make an enormous sacrifice by permitting gay and lesbian families equivalence of freedoms challenge me with their resentment.  The most egregious comments:  we are making a choice to be gay…that if we could just be straight we would then have the right of marriage…that 90% of society has to bow to 10% of society who are asking for equality.  In the letter from the father to the daughter, he equated equality for same-sex couples as tyranny of the minority against the majority!

The absence of any intellectual argument is perplexing and insulting.  The notion that allowing compassion and civil rights to committed gay couples will harm the majority’s happiness or marriages – is ludicrous.  Standing on the idea of tradition is a cop out; it is a thinly veiled stance of  hetro-privilege by those who have never been concerned for anyone but themselves.  I am thrilled Referendum 74 passed, but its passage does not mean inequality is over.  Tradition should not allow for acceptable ignorance.  Tradition should not allow for honor without respect.  Tradition does not tie a family together – only love can do this.  As we move forward from Referendum 74 it is my hope that love will continue to be the tie that binds us all.