Though I’ve described myself as a sex geek for a while, I decided that I wanted to explore what that means, so I turned to facebook and twitter. After all, I’m connected to a lot of other sex geeks and I wanted to get their input. I found some really interesting trends in their responses.

Interest in sex

First off (and unsurprisingly), people said that a big part of being a sex geek is being really interested in sexuality. Some of them were academic scholars who had spent a lot of money on university degrees, while others had gone for a less formal approach. Wherever they fell on that spectrum, several of them spoke about having gathered amazing collections of books, research articles, and bookmarked websites. Others mentioned the tendency to connect whatever news or current events they hear about to sexuality, sexual politics, or other related topics. And one person specifically mentioned getting daily google news alerts for “masturbation”, “orgasm”, “sex education” and “erotic.”

It makes sense- geeking out about anything usually involved learning and thinking about it a lot. As one person put it, part of being sex geek is:

When sex as a subject is something you find completely fascinating. You seek out knowledge and soak every little bit up like a sponge. You’re on a constant quest to find out more and to share the info you find.

Another phrased it as:

a long-term, sustained, passionate and consuming thirst for knowledge, of the “data” variety, the “insight” variety and/or the “personal/physical experience” variety…This isn’t just about personal curiosity; it’s an interest in information and ideas about sex that simply never turns off, and that extends to the academic, the practical, and the political.

Sharing sexual knowledge

Several people also mentioned talking about sex a lot, whether with friends, at parties, or other social gatherings. Quite a few work as sex educators, relationship coaches, or sexologists, and I wonder how many of them got into the field because it seemed to make sense to make a living doing what they were already doing for free. That was certainly part of my motivation. But even the dedicated non-professionals said that the topic comes up a lot in conversations, often because other people ask them questions.

So while it’s not a requirement, there is a correlation between being a sex geek and sharing one’s knowledge. As some people put it:

It’s being excited to have the opportunity to talk with people about any and all aspects of sex, but especially about those topics for which I have the most passion.

You’re on a constant quest to find out more and to share the info you find.

someone who gets so excited about information, research and teaching in sexuality that they can’t help diving into it and sharing it with others

Making it personal

The always awesome @firecatkitty

Another common thread that emerged is the tendency to take all of that information and apply it to one’s own sex life. For some, it was a process of experimentation: “That sounds interesting. Let’s try it!” Or perhaps it was the desire to improve and enhance one’s own sexual skill or relationships that led them down the path of sex geekery. There’s a way in which sex geeks hack their own sexual operating systems by exploring what makes them tick and looking for ways to make things run more smoothly. For one person:

Sexuality, for me, is not a black box, but a complicated thing that begs to have the case opened and its insides rearranged FOR GREAT JUSTICE! Or, great orgasms, or whatever.

and another added that you’re a sex geek:

when you’re just as turned on by WHY you’re doing something as you are by the FACT that you’re doing it.

Having had quite a few sex geek lovers and playmates, I can say that it’s quite entertaining to be in the middle of sex and realize that we’ve shifted into “experiment” mode. Quite often, it leads to some really amazing discoveries. And even without the science lab aspect to a particular sexual encounter, sex geeks are often talented and skilled lovers who have dedicated a lot of time into learning how to give and receive pleasure. Sex geeks are usually a lot of fun. (I’m working on a follow up post about how being a sex geek shapes one’s sexual practices and relationships. I welcome input, from sex geeks and their partners, either below or through my contact page.)

Sex-positivity

When sex geeks discover a sexual practice they’ve never heard of before, their response is usually along the lines of, “Wow! That’s new to me. Tell me about that.” Or “where can I find more information?” That’s quite different from the more common responses of “that’s weird” or “huh?” I think that’s at least partly because once you’ve really studied and explored the incredible range of human sexuality, you come to recognize the difference between something being unfamiliar and something being weird or bad.

That’s not to say that everyone who geeks out about sex is deeply sex-positive and non-judgmental. The folks I surveyed were friends, colleagues, and professional acquaintances of mine, there’s a selection bias since I unfriend people if I find out that they shame or attack people because of their sexualities. But I am quite confident that sex geeks as a group are much less likely to judge or shame people for their sexual practices or identities than a random selection of people in general.

It’s not always about you

One of the respondents started calling themselves a sex geek once their interest in sex “went beyond titillation.” And another said that a sex geek is:

Someone who can talk about, explore, ponder sex intellectually and with enthusiasm without making it about their libido.

I agree with that- although part of being a sex geek is applying information to one’s own sex life, part of it is also being able to discuss it without making it about oneself. After all, it can’t always be about you! Being a sex geek means being interested in experiences and perspectives that you haven’t explored or have no personal  interest in, simply because you find it fascinating, or professionally relevant, or a useful bit of information to pass along to someone else.

Sex geeks follow many different paths. Some are sexuality professionals while many aren’t. They range across all of the different spectra of sexuality- orientation, desire, practices, relationship structure, etc. And for the record, I know an asexual sexologist, so you don’t even have to want to have sex yourself to be a sex geek. (Though in all fairness, I don’t know if they’d describe themselves as a sex geek.) But there are some common threads that many sex geeks share:

• a deep and abiding interest in sexuality
• an interest in talking about sex with other people and helping them improve their relationship to sexuality and other people
• applying that information to one’s own life
• a sex-positive perspective
• the awareness that a lot of sexuality information isn’t about oneself

the effervescent Megan Andelloux, sex geek extraordinaire

If you’re a sex geek and you want to show it, you can pick up one of these awesome shirts from Reid Mihalko. They’re super comfy and guaranteed to start an interesting conversation. Especially at the supermarket.

I will admit that I do sometimes enjoy being someone’s first. The experience is sort of like being the first person to walk on fresh snow- there’s a certain pleasure that comes from taking the lead and helping someone discover a new way of enjoying sex. And I’ve always been of the opinion that we have plenty of virginities. Why limit it to penis/vagina intercourse? If you’ve never given someone a blowjob, or never been tied up, or never had sex with the lights on, or never tried pegging, those are all virginities you can explore and play with. It can be a lot of fun to help someone find out how much pleasure can be had from a new kind of sex.

Of course, for most people, virginity is about PV intercourse, and our individual and cultural relationships with the concept are both fascinating and tangled. I’m thrilled to see that Therese Shechter’s Kickstarter fund for How to Lose Your Virginity has met its goal. I met Therese at Momentum and we took a few minutes for a quickie interview. Check it out below. (Though I do have to say that I was on a lot of flu meds at the time. ) They need $1600 more in pledges in the next two days to get their funding. If you can help, please do.

Granted, much of the fetishization of virginity has to do with controlling women’s sexuality and reproduction. And unfortunately, that leads to all sorts of things like slut-shaming women who have “too many” partners, reinforcing stereotypes that enable sexual assault and outdated gender roles, and disrespecting women. It’s time to let go of all of that. It’s time to stop talking about virginity as if it’s something magical, or as if having sex makes one dirty. It’s time we talked about sexual experience as a positive thing. It’s time that we said that knowing what you like to do and how you like to do it makes you a more skilled lover.

As much fun as it can be to be someone’s first every now and then, give me a lover with skills and experience. That’s a much better time than being with a total noob. And since we all have things to try for the first time, it’s especially fun to introduce an experienced lover to something new. But then, I’ve always been about the both/and, especially when it comes to sex.

Check out How to Lose Your Virginity and follow them on twitter or on facebook to keep track of the film’s progress. I’m looking forward to seeing it!

Emily Morse, the host of the Sex With Emily podcast, has released Kegel Camp. It’s a super easy-to-use iphone app that keeps you on track. There’s a text tutorial that explains how to find the PC muscle and the benefits of keeping it toned, and then you can jump right in. There are twenty levels to work through and you’ll automatically level up after 5 sessions, though of course, you can select any level. And even level 20 only takes a few minutes to do.

Whichever level you’re on, there are three sets to work through. You can listen along as Emily cues you, you can have a visual indicator, and you can even have it vibrate to tell you when to squeeze and relax. And since Kegels, like any other exercise, give you the most benefit when you do them regularly, you can set a daily reminder. It’s a very intuitive app and makes it easy to follow through on that resolution to do your exercises.

Doing your Kegels can bring a lot of benefit to your sex life. A lot of people report that they experience stronger and longer orgasms, which makes sense since the muscles can go longer before getting tired. And many folks say that their erections are firmer or their vaginal contractions are stronger when they’re in shape.

So if you’re like most of us and you forget to do your Kegels, check the app out. It’ll help you keep things in tip-top shape! And with 15% off at Good Vibrations, you’ll find plenty of ways to take advantage of your new athleticism. For $1.99, it’s a bargain.

Click on the play button below to listen in. Enjoy!

In her talk Listening to Shame, she says that she thinks that there is no positive value to shame. Like many other people, she makes a distinction between guilt and shame. In her view, the former can motivate us to make positive changes, while the latter is always toxic. I disagree, though I suspect that’s more an issue of semantics than anything else.

When I talk about shame and shame reactions, I’m using those terms to describe a whole category of emotions, in much the same way that I might use the word anger to talk about mild irritation, annoyance, rage, vexation, hostility, impatience, and outrage, among other feelings. They range in scale and scope, in cause and effect, but there’s a commonality among them. When it comes to anger emotions, they’re all expressions of “there’s something going on that I don’t like.”

For a while, I thought of these different emotions on a spectrum, until a recent conversation with my friend Megan helped me realize that a spectrum implies a zero-sum game. In our chat, we came up with the idea that our emotions are more like tents. The anger tent contains all of the feelings I listed above, and many others. They have some common characteristics, though they vary a lot in terms of how they arise and how they manifest. But it’s not as if they’re all the same thing, with differing volumes, which is what the spectrum model implies.

Similarly, in the “shame tent”, we might find chagrin, humiliation, embarrassment, guilt, stigma, remorse, reproach, mortification, and regret. And just as some of the emotions in the anger tent can be adaptive, depending on the reasons for them and how we act upon them, some of the emotions in the shame tent can be, as well.

In my view, shame is a powerful medicine. At its most fundamental, it’s the emotion of disconnection: it causes and is caused by disconnection. That makes it a really effective tool for controlling people- if you don’t do what I want you to, I will disconnect from you. Of course, that only works to the degree that you want me to engage with you. If you don’t care what the Pope thinks, the fact that he’ll excommunicate you for your sexual choices is irrelevant.

But those emotions are also quite good at teaching people what our expectations for their behavior are. For example, I expect the folks in my life to demonstrate respect for other people, regardless of their sexual orientation, sexual practices, or gender expression. If you don’t, I will call you on it. If you persist in not changing your actions, I will disengage from you. To the degree that you want to be in connection with me, that can be a motivation to explore your ideas and beliefs and perhaps, change them.

I’m certainly understand that shame can easily become toxic. Sometimes, the rules that are being enforced are inconsistently applied, or relate to things that we can’t change (or at least, not without great cost to ourselves). Or perhaps the disconnection is disproportionate (such as when the we are triggered and overreact). When there isn’t a clear path to reconciliation and reconnection, unprocessed shame lingers and festers. And of course, when the rules simply don’t make sense or aren’t explained in ways that we can understand, the recipient has no clear way to change their actions. The difference between medicine and poison is the dose, the timing, and the individual reaction to it.

So I’m with Brown that shame can cause many different problems. And perhaps my disagreement with her comes down to a matter of semantics. I use shame as an umbrella term while she uses it to talk about a specific emotion. But in my experience, all of those different feelings that are in the shame tent have a lot in common. And when we’re able to encompass them instead of being overwhelmed by them, they can be amazingly motivational.

The one time I cheated on my partner (yes, sometimes, polyamorous people can and do cheat. It’s a long story.), I felt such deep shame afterward that I told her about it immediately and have never been tempted to do it again. It wasn’t guilt that I felt- it was shame. It’s the difference between “I did a bad thing” and “I am a bad person.” And just like the dog that won’t cross the invisible fence after getting shocked, I won’t do anything that violates our relationship agreements again. Fortunately, we have a really solid foundation and are quite practiced at reconnecting with each other when conflicts arise.

I think that much of why I prefer to think of all of these different feelings residing within the same tent is that they share a lot of characteristics. When I feel guilt, remorse, stigma, or humiliation, my somatic responses tend to follow specific patterns and I usually feel it in similar places in my body. I tend to blush, I have trouble maintaining eye contact, my shoulders slump, and my chest collapses inward. I might also notice a shift in my perception of time as my cognitive functioning freezes up and I get hyper focused on “what I did wrong.”

Further, the skills I use to deal with these different feelings have a lot in common. On a physical level, taking a walk, or doing some gentle back bends to release my chest can work, no matter where I am in the shame tent. And talking about the situation in terms of what I did instead of how I’m wrong can begin to release me from the pattern of the shame spiral. So can taking a break from things to give my attention to something else, in order to calm down before returning to deal with it.

Since my experiences of these various emotions show these similarities, I think it makes a lot of sense to call them all “shame reactions.” In fact, when I’m in one of them, I’ll often simply say that I’m having a shame reaction, rather than worrying about deciding exactly which emotion is going on.

I suppose if there was a different word to label the tent, I might use that. And I’m confident that Brown would agree with me that any emotion can be toxic, if it’s larger than our ability to manage: anger can become rage; sadness can become despair; happiness can become mania. But that doesn’t mean that we have to say that everything in those tents is necessarily a problem. And the fact that some of those emotions can be toxic doesn’t mean that they don’t have a lot in common with the more adaptive forms.

In the end, I guess it doesn’t really matter that Brown and I use the words differently, as long as people can learn to overcome their difficulties and rebuild their relationships. At the same time, given that shame is part of most people’s lives, I’d much rather not suggest to them that it’s a toxic emotion. There’s so much confusion around the word that I’d rather offer ways to make room for it than try to cast it out. And as part of that, I think that seeing it as simply the name of the tent is the way to go.

Back in 1982, sexologists Alice Kahn Ladas, M.S.S., Ed.D.,  Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., and  John D. Perry, Ph.D published The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality, popularizing the name and getting the word out about this erogenous zone. And since then, the debate has raged. Some folks are convinced that the Skene’s glands, which surround the urethra and are homologous to the prostate are the G-spot. Others are of the opinion that the place where the legs of the clitoris meet are the G-spot, and it simple happens to be near the Skene’s glands.

This most recent research says that there is a small structure, pretty much where you’d expect it, and that it’s different from previously-identified tissues. The difficulty is that this research was based on the dissection of one cadaver, which means that this might not be an accurate description of people in general.

And then, of course, there are those who say that the whole G-spot thing is a myth. Given how many people I’ve talked with about the G-spot, I know it exists. For that matter, I have first-hand experience with it (literally). I don’t doubt my experiences, my lovers’ pleasures, or the stories of  the hundreds of people who I’ve spoken with.

I have to say that I’m of two minds when it comes to this whole issue. As a sex geek, I’m really curious to know what the sexually sensitive tissues are. I think it’s a really interesting question and even if it doesn’t change how sex educators talk about the G-spot or how people enjoy it, I’d like to know.

But when it comes down to it, my sex educator side doesn’t really care. I’m much more focused on helping people discover new ways to enjoy sex, craft happier relationships, and release the shame that holds so many of them back. Knowing that someone is having a healthier relationship or more fun during sex (not to mention, more amazing orgasms) makes me really happy. And from that perspective, it doesn’t really matter which bit of tissue is responsible for the yummy sensations. They’re all packed pretty close together and I’m not sure that it’s even possible to stimulate one without the other, so it’s not really relevant which one you’re getting since you’re getting it regardless.

But even with my sex educator hat on, there are a few different things about this ongoing issue that do bother me.

First, the way that these studies are reported only adds to the confusion. For example, headlines like G-Spot Found? and G-spot ‘does exist’ add to the relentless pressure many people feel around their sexual experiences. For some people, the G-spot can be rather elusive, especially when they don’t have enough information. For example, the G-spot engorges during arousal, making it both easier to locate and more pleasurable. So if your partner isn’t turned on and you just go poking around, it might not work as well as you’d hoped. Unfortunately, plenty of people who don’t know these useful tips get discouraged and upset because of the hype in magazines and news sites. Many of them become convinced that there’s something wrong with them because science has proven that the G-spot exists and they can’t find it.

Another big problem I have with the current hype about the G-spot, as well as most of the previous popular articles, is that they’re often based on limited research or bad science. Dr. Petra does a great job explaining that here, here, and here. I understand that news sites are more focused on SEO and getting clicks, but the incessant, breathless prose and headlines make my job harder because they oversimplify the information we have. Sex educators and therapists end up having to deal with the fallout from that and it annoys me.

I also think it’s frustrating that most of these news reports ignore the stories of people who experience G-spot pleasure and their partners. Coincidentally, the day before all of this news hit, Good Vibrations released the results of our G-spot survey, in which we asked people to share their experiences of G-spot pleasure. We confirmed many things we’d been hearing from customers for years, as well as discovering a few surprises. Even if you’re a G-spot aficionado, take a look at it. I think you’ll enjoy it.

If you want some actual information about the G-spot and how to enjoy it, here are some really good places to get started.

sex geeks galore!

Last week, I went over to Reid Mihalko’s place with a bunch of sex geeks to watch some DVDs about building and promoting a business. At one point, the speaker said something that I think connects to a lot more than branding and teaching.

“People Protect What They Create”

One of the patterns I’ve seen a lot of folks get stuck in when it comes to relationship challenges is that one partner comes up with what they see as the solution to a problem and then try to convince the other person/people to go along with it. I’ve seen this happen in romantic/sexual relationships, in family dynamics, among co-workers, for groups of friends, and in communities of various sizes. It seems to be a pretty common pattern: I know what the answer is, so you should all do what I say. And almost invariably, it leads to resistance or rebellion because the other person feels like they’re being controlled (probably because they are). And even if they go along with it, they often end up not putting as much energy into the ongoing health of the relationship or community.

That’s because people protect what they create. If we build something together, we’re both more likely to continue to take care of it, guard it, and help it thrive. The process of collaboration makes it a partnership and when it’s done well, everyone has a vested interest in keeping it going. If you tell me what the problem is and what you want me to do about it, I might comply with you, but I’m certainly not going to care as much about it after that. And if you keep hounding me or punishing me for that, my resistance is only going to increase. Plus, if I don’t see it as a problem or if your proposed solution doesn’t suit me, I’ll resist it.

Clearly, that’s not limited to sexual relationships, but for some reason, this seems to come up a lot in those situations. A lot of my therapist colleagues have told me about couples in which one partner has dragged the other one in, without getting any kind of buy-in into the process. Or couples in which one person is convinced that they know exactly what’s wrong and if the other would just get over themselves, everything would be better.

While it’s pretty common for one person to identify a problem first, or to have more motivation in dealing with it, trying to force the other person to deal with it is kind of like dragging a dog on a leash. You might get where you want to go, but it’s a lot more work and takes much more time. If you can find ways to get them on board, it becomes a lot easier to change things.

What Can We Do About That?

I think there are lots of ways we can move forward more productively. First, instead of jumping to the problem-solving stage before you even talk with your partner(s), family members or friends, wait until you’ve found some agreement that there’s an issue to address. That can be challenging because it requires that we stay in the discomfort of the situation. But the advantage that it offers is that the other people will more easily see your discomfort and (assuming that they want you to not be uncomfortable), they’ll be more willing to see that there’s a problem.

Another reason to stay in the discomfort until they join you is that you can figure out what to do together. Collaborating on solutions is usually a much more useful approach, even though it can be frustrating or take longer. And the more you practice it together, the smoother the process becomes. If you’re willing to get over your learning curves together, the payoff will be worth it. That means that you need to become more comfortable with uncertainty. After all, if you let yourself remain open to your partner’s input and ideas, your next steps probably won’t look like you expect. The more you can accept that, the easier it will be for you.

I’m also a big fan of learning how to talk productively. One of the things I’ve noticed is that most people are convinced that they know how to communicate well, especially the folks who really don’t. In my experience, we can all learn new ways to talk about what we think, feel, believe, and want. I found a lot of great tips in Taking the War Out of Our Words.

Author Sharon Ellison points out that one of the sources for miscommunications is that there are multiple places where things can go awry. In any situation, there’s our perception of an event, what meaning we think it has, how we feel about that meaning, and how we communicate that to another person. They, in turn, will have their own perceptions, meanings, feelings, and responses. So the more we can line each of those parts up, the fewer opportunities for miscommunications to sneak in.

Other people have had good results from workshops like Steve Bearman’s Interchange seminars or similar workshops. But what these resources usually have in common is an understanding that working together to build solutions is much more effective than telling the other person what to do. Well, that and offering a lot of tools to be able to communicate more clearly.

But whatever skills you learn, I think it’s important to remember that people protect what they create. If you genuinely want your partner to be invested in the relationship, if you want them to support it and help it thrive, then build it together. Let it be a real partnership, rather than trying to control it. You’ll almost certainly discover that they’ll put much more energy into safeguarding it and supporting it. After all, once they have some skin in the game, they’ll have much more reason to do so.

So far in my life I’ve only been able to have a vaginal orgasm about three times from what I can count but they’ve only happened when I was masturbating. One of the things I want more than anything, to be honest like you two, is to be able to orgasm vaginally with my partner since I’ve heard with a partner it is one of life’s most beautiful experiences.

My only problem is that I’m an incredibly shy and enclosed person. I love my boyfriend more than I’ve ever loved anybody and our sex is incredibly passionate and loving but I continuously feel like we rush through it. We live an hour and a half away so we rarely see each other (which does make the meeting all the more steamier) but I feel like he rushes through it. He just wants to cum and what experts say is the 20 minutes of necessary foreplay is more like four minutes.

Not only this but I’m not exactly as comfortable around him as I feel I should be. I know he loves me more than anything, but I’m not assertive. I’m afraid to make moves or ask for things and likewise so is he which I feel is greatly hindering our relationship. Should I talk to him about this issue?

From your Nine Was The Magic Number post I was hoping (since we have a six day spring break week planned just the two of us and a hotel room) that I could coerce him into lying in bed with me all day in the hopes of feeling emotionally closer and achieving a vaginal orgasm with him by asking him just want to do nothing but please me.

Also we mainly only really just have sex. We’ve made love and it was beautiful and we have phone sex and we have just typical sex a lot but a lot of the time it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and more importantly frustrated due to not being able to orgasm vaginally because I crave being close to him but I have trouble vaginal orgasming (tips if possible please) so I rely on clitoral stimulation but we don’t use cock rings and like we all know, trying to rub your clit with someone on top can get awkward, and we’ve orgasmed together but it was doggie style and clitoral and I want something more, I want a deep connecting, body rocking, legs can barely move after experience with him.

Do I just need to be more comfortable with him and the rest will fall into place? Is it just impossible for some women to vaginal orgasm? Am I breathing wrong? I think I psyche myself out because I feel like he’s more selfish but I’m too afraid to ask him to change. It’s a vicious cycle.

Help please,
- Shy

OK, first thing- all of the hype about how vaginal orgasms are so much better than anything else is hype. About 70% of women need some sort of clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, even when they’re also doing vaginal penetration. There’s nothing magical about it- it’s a question of where your nerves are located and individual anatomy. Plus, the more you (or your boyfriend) set up vaginal orgasm as a goal, the more the pressure will get in the way.

Second thing- you’re right. It’s pretty common for women to need more time to reach orgasm than men, though that can vary. But if he’s orgasming after a few minutes, who says that that’s the end of sex? He could go down on you. He could use his hands on you. You could make out with him while using your fingers or a vibrator. The notion that sex = intercourse and that it’s over when a man orgasms is one of the biggest myths that gets in the way of a good time. And besides, he might get turned on so much that he’s ready for another round.

On top of that, I’m willing to bet that he’ll find that slowing down and ramping up more slowly makes it more fun and pleasurable for him. It’s the difference between eating as fast as you can and hardly tasting it versus taking your time and enjoying the meal. You don’t say how old he is, but many men discover as they get older that slowing down instead of racing for the finish line is a lot more fun for everyone.

Third thing- if the two of you have difficulty talking about what you each want, that’s a big barrier to getting what you want. Here’s a good approach:

1) Something I really like about sex with you is…
2) Something I’d like to add to our sex life is…
3) Something about our sex life that I’d like to change is…

Be specific. Not “I like touching you.” but rather “I like feeling your skin against mine. It makes me feel really close to you.” If you have difficulty saying any of the words, try practicing saying them over and over when you’re by yourself. Most people find that it helps them become more comfortable with them. (This is a good exercise when you’re driving by yourself. Nobody can hear you and anyone who sees you will think you’re singing along to some music.)

The reason this can be helpful is that starting off with a positive thing makes it clear that you’re not attacking him. Also, don’t have this conversation during sex, just after sex, or when you’re cuddly & snuggly. That kills the mood and makes it harder to have a good talk. Instead, go for a walk in the park together. A lot of men have difficulty maintaining face-to-face contact during these talks, so side-by-side often feels safer and easier for them. You can also ask him to tell you his answers, either after you do all three or another time. But don’t let it slide- it’s important for communication to go both ways.

Lastly- a lot of women find that it takes some practice to be able to have the “deep connecting, body rocking, legs can barely move” orgasms. I know it’s frustrating to hear, especially if it seems like everyone else does it easily. Some women do, but lots of them are pretending to have them. Trust me- I talk to people all the time about their sex lives and I can promise you that a lot of the women who claim to have amazing sex really aren’t. There’s a lot of pressure on women to have mind-blowing orgasms and more of them are pretending than you realize.

There isn’t anything wrong with you. It’s almost certainly a matter of figuring out what you need to feel more comfortable and relax into the experience, what kinds of stimulation work for you, and how to talk with your boyfriend.

Here are some good resources that I think you’ll find helpful:

I Love Female Orgasm Lots of amazing info, tips, and suggestions for things to try.

Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction Written by a top-notch sex researcher, this guide explains how arousal and pleasure work really well.

Tickle Your Fancy The more you know about your body and what feels good for you, the easier it’ll be to enjoy sex with a partner. This easy-to-read guide has lots of good ideas.

What You Really, Really Want This is easily the best book I’ve seen for women who are trying to discover what their sexual desires are and how to talk about them with a partner. If I could pick one book on sex & relationships to give to everyone, this would probably be it.

Exhibitionism For The Shy Overcoming shyness and being able to talk with a partner about what you want are a lot easier with some support and ideas. This is an excellent guide for how to do it.

And if your boyfriend (or you) would like some more info about sexual anatomy, here’s a good overview and here’s a great book. Remember- nobody is born knowing anything about sex, so we all have to learn it somewhere.

I hope this help. Good luck & have fun!

Of course, it’s often difficult to get there, especially when you’re a grad student or freelance writer. So I was really happy to see that there’s a privately funded scholarship being offered. See below for info and pass it along!

On behalf of Leatherpage.com, Leland Carina is offering a privately-funded scholarship for research and journalism in the amount of $1,000. This money is intended to cover the flight and hotel for a weekend-long stay in Chicago, providing an opportunity for the recipient to research at the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M). Any funds remaining after travel costs may be used to further the recipient’s work.

Rick Storer, Executive Director of LA&M, will meet with the recipient to suggest resources that may be useful and provide training on using the museum’s in-house catalogs.

The winner will document their process on Leatherpage.com in blog format and also publish a series of articles based on their findings. Specific subjects may include a wide range of interests; particular proposals are to be made at the time of application.

This scholarship is open to all members of the Leather Community. Applicants will be required to submit a Leather community resume, samples of previous writing/projects, and references. In addition, applicants are asked to respond to a provocative question with a sample article. The most innovative answers will be published on Leatherpage.com.

The scholarship recipient will be determined based on merit. Experience will be considered in relation to time in the community; a promising newer member has equal chance to receive it as does a seasoned veteran. Leland may enlist the help of advisors during the review process.

The mission of this Scholarship is to support community research and journalism, to invite critical thinking about the structure of our community, and to spark engaged public discourse. It is Leland’s hope that this will start a new trend– inspiring organizations and individuals to sponsor similar investigations that will solidly and directly benefit our community.

Prospective applicants are encouraged to request the formal application, to do so please write to Leland (at) Leatherpage (dot) com.

Application deadline is June 30th, 2012. Scholarship will be awarded on or by September 1st. Applicants must be able to successfully complete the work before the end of 2012.

Please help spread the word to people to those you feel should apply!

@charlieglickman interesting… Conversely, one could also be sex positive but NOT enthusiastic for their own experiences

April 7, 2012 4:13 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@KelseyEducation

Kelsey Education

I suppose I thought it was implicit in my post, but upon reflection, I think there’s some important stuff to unpack there.

There are a lot of reasons we might not be enthusiastic about sex, and there have definitely been several times in my life when I wasn’t. Stress, relationship challenges, health issues, having other priorities, effects from medications, not getting enough sleep, dealing with big emotions- they can all affect our libidos, either for a short time or for an extended period. All of these have shown up in my life, either for me or my partner. (One of the good things about being polyamorous is that we’ve been able to get our sexual needs met while more easily giving each other the room to deal with whatever was going on.)

There’s also the fact that some people don’t feel much or any desire to have sex, and that doesn’t mean that they’re sex-negative at all. One of the most sex-positive people I know is asexual and even though she feels no urge to have sex, she can celebrate other people’s joys and experiences.

I think of enthusiasm for sex and sex-positivity as being on two distinct axes- there’s nothing about our location on one that implies anything about our location on the other. In fact, some very sex-negative people I know are very enthusiastic about having sex, while also having a lot of judgment about anyone who does it differently than they do.

Having said that, I have certainly seen some people deal with their shames and pains around sex by being both very sex-negative and rather unenthusiastic about sex. But it often looks to me like those are both the effects of their underlying pain, rather than one causing the other. For that matter, I’ve also seen people respond to their pain by having a lot of sex, but that doesn’t mean that they were supporting their well-being at the time.

So just as I think it’s time to let go of the idea that enthusiasm for sex implies anything about being sex-positive, I think we need to shed the notion that lack of enthusiasm implies anything about someone’s attitudes about sex. Going back to my definition of sex positivity as the idea that the only relevant measure of a sexual act or practice is the consent, pleasure, and well-being of the people who do it and the people who are affected by it, if someone’s well-being results from not having sex or from having sex less frequently than other people, then the sex-positive thing to do is honor that, no matter what their reason.

Sex-positivity says that engaging in any sexual act doesn’t imply anything about the folks who do it. Similarly, sex-positivity says that not engaging in any sexual act doesn’t imply anything about them. The only way to know what it means to them or why they made those choices is to ask them about it and to listen with an open mind and an open heart. When someone tells us that their decisions were made in support of their consent, pleasure, and well-being, then honor that. Even if it’s not the decision you would have made.