CHUCKLES by CHARLIE

I'VE GOT IT!

2011-03-10T00:10:00.001-05:00

CHUCKLES by CHARLIE
                      March 9, 2011
A cheerful heart is good medicine. –Prov. 17:22a
         ¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°ºóº°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤
    Smiling relaxes your facial muscles.
GIVE YOURSELF J  A FACIAL TODAY
Being OWLS will help you through the day
          Older Wiser Laughing Souls
It is time to replace the love of power with the power of love!
          ¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°ºóº°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤

I’VE GOT IT! L
      We all have pet peeves or things that bug us. We talk about debugging our
computers and I think that means trying to eliminate the things that sneaked (not
snuck) into our computers when we were not looking and that keep causing
irritating little glitches or massive crashes that blow us away. In
non-computer life in general there are many things that bug us and often those things
that bug us the most grow out of our culturalizaton by the life-situations to
which we were exposed when growing up as children. Many times certain of those
things stick to our inner being like Gorilla Glue and bug us, even when we can
do nothing much about them. My culturalzation took place in my home by my
parents and my siblings.
     My father was a preacher who graduated from college with a degree in English. That’s tough enough to live with but my three brothers and two sisters were all college grads, all but one graduating with honors. I was last to be born and my family seemed to delight in trying to shape my speech into a grammatically perfect form. My oldest sister who taught High School Latin even insisted that I take all the Latin classes I could get just in order to teach me the basis of English grammar – you know, subjects, predicates, objects, conjugations, declensions cases, direct and indirect objects, etc., etc. I never thought I would succumb but now I must tell you that I did kowtow to culturalizaton
majoring in Greek in College and even teaching it some in Seminary. Now it is not that I speak our English language with any degree of perfection but I fear that what is happening to me today is a deculturalization via the public criminal MURDERING OF THE KINGS ENGLISH. “The King’s English is defined as English speech or usage that is considered standard or accepted - Standard English. To this day it shocks me to hear lousy English from supposedly well educated popular new media people and talk show hosts. Here are three examples out of the hundreds that bug us daily:
   1. “I got it!” or “I’ve got it.” Got is from get which means to come into possession of or to secure. ‘I have it’ is sufficient so why add a misplaced and redundant ‘got’ or add a helper word to when you do mean you got what you went to get?
   2. Then there is the proverbial wrongful use of ‘I’ and ‘Me’ (Ex: “Jesus loves both, you and I.”) Jesus loves I? Wrong of course. Jesus loves me! In the old days when people studied traditional grammar, we could simply say, “The first person singular pronoun is ‘I’ when it’s a subject and ‘me’ when it’s an object,” but now few people know what that means. Let’s see if we can apply some common sense here. The misuse of “I” and “myself” for “me” is caused by nervousness about “me.” Educated people know that “Jim and me are goin’ down to slop the hogs,” is not elegant speech, not “correct.” It should be “Jim and I” because if I were slopping the hogs alone I would never say “Me is going. . . .” If you
refer to yourself first, the same rule applies: It’s not “Me and Jim are going” but “I and Jim are going.” So far so good. But the notion that there is something wrong with “me” leads people to overcorrect and avoid it where it is perfectly appropriate. People will say “The document had to be signed by both
Susan and I” when the correct statement would be, “The document had to be signed by both Susan and me.” All this confusion can easily be avoided if you just remove the second party from the sentences where you feel tempted to use “myself” as an object or feel nervous about “me.” You wouldn’t say, “The IRS sent the refund check to I,” so you shouldn’t say “The IRS sent the refund
check to my wife and I” either. Trying even harder to avoid the lowly “me,” many people will substitute
“myself,” as in “the suspect uttered epithets at Officer O’Leary and myself.” Conservatives often object to this sort of use of “myself” when “me” or “I” would do. It’s usually appropriate to use “myself” when you have used “I” earlier in the same sentence: “I am not particularly fond of goat cheese
myself.” “I kept half the loot for myself.” “Myself” is also fine in expressions like “young people like myself” or “a picture of my boyfriend and myself.” In informal English, beginning a sentence with “myself” to express an opinion is widely accepted: “Myself, I can’t stand dried parmesan cheese.” In
all of these instances you are emphasizing your own role in the sentence, and “myself” helps do that.
     On a related point, those who continue to announce “It is I” have traditional grammatical correctness on their side, but they are vastly outnumbered by those who proudly boast “it’s me!” There’s not much that can be done about this now. Similarly, if a caller asks for Susan and Susan answers “This is she,” her somewhat antiquated correctness is likely to startle the questioner into
confusion.   [Adapted]
   3. The dangling participle may be the most egregious of the most common writing mistakes. Not only will this error damage the flow of your writing, it can also make it impossible for someone to
understand what you’re trying to say. After rotting in the cellar for weeks, my brother brought up some oranges. Uhh… keep your decomposing brother away from me! Featuring plug-in circuit boards, we can strongly endorse this server’s flexibility and growth potential. mmm… robotic copy written by people embedded with circuit boards. Makes sense. The problem with both of the above is that the
participial phrase that begins the sentence is not intended to modify what follows next in the sentence. However, readers mentally expect it to work that way, so your opening phrase should always modify what immediately follows. If it doesn’t, you’ve left the participle dangling, as well as your readers.   [Adapted>TS]

              ¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤
~~> LIMERICK by Charlie
Frightfully long winded was my stammer
Expressing what bugs me ‘bout bad grammar.
   In verbosity I slack not.
   Of profundity I lack not.
But I fear I have made too much of a clamor.

~~> KILLING WITH WORDS
My Name Is Gossip.

I have no respect for justice. I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives. I am cunning and malicious & gather strength with age. The more I am quoted the more I am believed. I flourish at every level of society.

My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.

To track me down is impossible for the harder you try the more elusive I become.

I am nobody's friend. Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.

I topple governments and ruin marriages. I end ministries set up by God.

I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartache and indigestion. I spawn suspicion and generate grief.

I make innocent people cry in their pillows.

Even my name hisses. I AM CALLED GOSSIP.

Church gossip
   Office gossip
      Shop gossip
        Party gossip
           Telephone gossip
             Online gossip

I make headlines & headaches!

Before You Repeat A Story, Ask Yourself...
IS IT TRUE?
    IS IT FAIR?
      IS IT NECESSARY?
        WOULD I WANT IT DONE TO ME?
          (Author Unknown)
~~> SIX TRUTHS IN LIFE
1.  You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
     I sincerely apologize about all this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You now have two options; delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today.

~~> SMARTALEC SAYINGS
** There will always be death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
** People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
** Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
** If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
** In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
** Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
** You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
** One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
** The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
** Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
** Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes all by itself alone.
** Life really does begin at forty…it begins to show!
** You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
** Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
[Fwd>L&L]

~~> FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HILL
You are most likely over the hill if you can remember the following:
** When hardware used to refer to a store and not computer equipment.
** When "enter" was a sign on a door, not a button on a computer keyboard, and "Chip" was a piece of wood.
** When fast food was what you ate during Lent, and it used to be that people married first and lived together.
** When "rock music" took place while grandma sang a lullaby in a rocking chair, and kinky was for hair.
** When closets were for clothes and not coming out of, and aids were helpers in the principal's office or pills to help you when you were on a diet.
** When grass was for mowing, Coke was a refreshing drink, and pot was something you cooked in.
         [Fwd>SS]

~~> I WONDER ABOUT MY CHILDREN
God has blessed us with three wonderful children, six wonderful grand children and 11 wonderful great-grand children. No matter how I look at them I call them wonderful but my pride is pushed back to the line of realistic that tells me that they are not all a bunch of wunderkinder. That word, from German [Voon-duhr(amazing) –kint(child)] is a name used of a group of children that can be described as child prodigies, who achieve great success or acclaim at an early age.

~~> ON BEING A GOOD AMERICAN
You can best do it by wise use of your IRS Rebate Check. We are told that we should spend it as
soon as possible to stimulate the economy. So think about it…
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless things it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
It you want to help the American economy you will need to consider that the only way to do that is
to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses still owned by the real US entrepreneurs.      [Adapted>ML]

~~> Final PUNishment
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
     ~~~~~
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
     ~~~~~
When cannibals eat a missionary, they get a taste of religion.          [Fwd>ML]
     ~~~~~
   A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The chief commanded the sailor, "Take this broom and
sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!"
   The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain. Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad pulled the Tern off
the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and land once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
   When morning came, so did the CPO -- to check up on his wayward sailor. What on earth have you been doing all night?" demanded the CPO. "This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?"
   "Honest, chief," came the reply. "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
[Fwd>ML]

o^o   o^o o^o   o^o   o^o o^o o^o o^o   o^o o^o
This is just to let you know that, to my knowledge, all the “stuff” on Charlie’s Chuckles is of public domain and not copyrighted or are permitted to be shared but not for profit. TO SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE send an email to me at charlesashman@fgbc.org with the word “SUBSCRIBE” or “UNSUBSCRIBE” in the subject box. Also feel free to share some of your good non-copyrighted chucklers and comments about improving Charlie’s Chuckles. Send to: charlesashman@fgbc.org.
If you prefer the Plain Text format just send an email to the same address with the words PLAIN TEXT PLEASE in the subject box.

OBJURGATION

2011-03-08T00:16:00.001-05:00

CHUCKLES by CHARLIE

March 3, 2011

A cheerful heart is good medicine. –Prov. 17:22a

¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°ºóº°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤

Smiling relaxes your facial muscles.

J GIVE YOURSELF A FACIAL TODAY J

Being OWLS will help you through the day

Older Wiser Laughing Souls
A dry sense of humor is better than drooling in self pity.

¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°ºóº°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤

OBJURGATION

In all the years I have lived I do not remember any time when the air has been so permeated with such rash and harsh verbiage as in our present nation and world. Civil debates rarely exist, especially in the spheres of politics, religion, philosophies, and personal convictions. I think that much of that which makes many of us uncomfortable with the tone and intensity and insensitivity of debates and demonstrations has to do with the decay of decency and devotion to the God of Heaven who inspired these words, For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, "YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another. [Gal. 5:13-26]

When people individually or corporately turn from God they have an inevitable liability of turning into chaotic mobs of self-willed uncontrolled individuals that loose respect for human life and turn to hatred and violence – first expressed in how they talk and then how they act.

One word which I think describes such behavior pretty well is OBJURGATE. This comes from comes from Latin from objurgare, "to scold; to blame; to express strong disapproval of; to criticize severely;

"from ob-, "against" + jurgare, "to dispute, to quarrel, to sue at law," from jus, jur-, "law" + -igare (from agere, "to lead"). It often has a very ugly side and that is the side we are seeing a lot of these days.

We need to pray for grace to be strong in convictions, clean in life-style without becoming OBJURGATIVE in expression and behavior.

¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤ ¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤

~~>LIMERICK by Charlie

My mother had a treatment that made me cry.

She used it each time she caught me in a lie.

To me it seemed quite mean

But it made my mouth quite clean.

When washed out with the soap she made of lye.

~~>SOAP IT!

My doctor tells me that nothing beats soap for cleanliness and sterilization. While alcohol based hand-cleansers have their place it is not to replace the old fashioned soap and water. I found this little idea in my files applying soap to committee meeting and thought you might enjoy or even use it.

Don't Be A Soft Soaper: Duz you Dreft along with the Tide? Vel, now is the time for All to Cheer up. If you want Joy, why not Dash to our meetings and be Handy Andy to the committee this year. Les Toil seems to be the Trend today. Too many Woodbury their heads if they don't have any Lux. So-- this is my S.O.S. to you. Wisk yourself here Briskly by 7:30 p.m. on Thursday, July 25. and be full of Zest. I shall prepare and conduct a Fabulous meeting for I know it will be a Breeze for us to do a Top-Job this year. This is not just idle Bab-o. You will find that it will add to your Lifebouy.

[Fwd>SS]

~~>ARGUMENT WRECKER

“Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.”

~~>WHEN WE DON’T DO IT!

We all know that our nation is on the edge of the fiscal cliff and about to collapse into the abyss of national bankruptcy and our governments, National and State, are not solving the problem. Here is a humorous description of how easy this tragedy can happen.

A man came home from work one day and found total mayhem. The three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud. Empty food boxes and wrappers were strewn across the yard. When he went inside, the mess was even worse. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against the wall.

In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring on a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, cereal had been spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over more piles of clothes and toys to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill or that something serious had happened. He found her in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a book. She looked up at him and smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "What happened here today?" She smiled and answered "You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what I do all day?" "Yes" he said, baffled. "Well," she said "today I didn't do it." [Fwd>L&L]

~~>THREE THINGS

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
   1. Time
   2. Words
   3. Opportunity
Three things in life that can destroy a person -
   1. Anger
   2. Pride
   3.Unforgiveness
Three things in life that you should never lose-
   1. Hope
   2. Peace
   3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable -
   1. Love
   2. Family &Friends
   3.Kindness
Three things in life that are never certain -
   1. Fortune
   2. Success
   3. Dreams
Three things that make a person -
   1. Commitment
   2. Sincerity
   3. Hard work
Three persons that can always be trusted -
   1. God, the Father

2. God, the Son

3. God, the Holy Spirit
Father - Son - Holy Spirit

[Fwd>RP]

~~>ENCOURAGING THE SICK

Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."

"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."

[Fwd>CSD]

~~>SPLITTING THE QUOTE

As a features writer for our local paper, one day I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was working on about giving new life to old jewelry. I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.

"I once did some work for a divorced woman," he related. "She had me take her old wedding band, which was inscribed, and carefully cut it into two pieces and make her a pair of earrings from it. Because of the inscription, one earring read 'With all' and the other earring read, 'my love.'

"When I asked why the woman had specifically wanted it that way, she answered, 'To remind me that the next time someone says that to me, I should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"

[Fwd>MM]

~~>A FEW FACTS ABOUT MARCH

According to the Georgian calendar, March is the third month of the year though on the old Roman calendar it was the first month. Its name honors Mars, the Roman God of war. The winter ends with March, and then comes Spring. Spring in the northern half of the world begins with March 19, 20, or 21. It’s the day when the sun is directly over the equator. March can either feel wintry or springy, with as many blustery, windy days as there are mild, sunny days.

In the northern hemisphere, the animals end their hibernation and many plants come to life again in March. The sap flows up in the trees again, and the buds begin to show up. Bears, woodchucks, and chipmunks leave their hibernating spots. People begin to start looking for the first robins to arrive.

There are no national holidays in March, but there are important state and religious holidays celebrated.

Nebraskans celebrate the admission of their state to the Union on March 1.
Texas celebrates March 2 as the anniversary of its independence from Mexico.

On March 4, the people of Pennsylvania commemorate the granting of the state's charter to William Penn in 1681. William Penn received grant of Pennsylvania, 1681. The first Congress under the U.S. Constitution met, 1789. This date was used as Inauguration Day until 1937. Vermont became the 14th state, 1791. Knute Rockne, American football coach, born 1888.
On March 7^th in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone.

On March 8^th, 1836 Santa Anna captured the Alamo.
The Irish celebrate March 17 as the feast day of St. Patrick.
In Maryland, March 25 is set apart for a celebration of the arrival of the first Maryland colonists in 1634.
In March of 1803 Ohio became the 17^th state.
In March of 1845 Florida became the 27^th state.
On March 14, 1804 Johann Strauss was born and in 1879 Albert Einstein was born.
On March 19, 1813 Missionary and explorer David Livingstone was born.
On March 17, 1776 the British evacuated Boston.
March 23, 1775, according to tradition, Patrick Henry declared "Give me liberty, or give me death!"
In March of 1867 the United States purchased Alaska from Russia, 1867.
On March 1870 the 15^th Amendment was added to the U.S. Constitution, stating that a person cannot be denied the ballot because of race or color, proclaimed.
In March of 1918 Daylight Saving Time went into effect in the United States.
There are many superstitions about March. We often hear that "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." Here in northern Indiana that lamb is usually ruining from the pursuing lion. A third saying calls the first three days of March "blind days" because they are "unlucky." If rain falls on these days, farmers supposedly will have poor harvests. [Fwd>World Book Millennium 2000]

~~>Final PUNishment

Three unemployed factory workers applied for jobs at a large food company. After filling out applications and being interviewed, each one managed to get hired. The hiring boss said to the foreman, "These are your new workers."

"I can't use them. That first guy? At his last job, he snapped for no reason. The second guy cracked up under stress and the third guy: he says he is their father!"

"Well, then put them in our breakfast cereal division. Snap, Crackle and Pop will work out fine!"

[Fwd>JFG]

~~~~~

What did Noah say to THE THREE BLIND when they tried to enter the ark?

“Sorry, but no matter what kind of reservations you had we only have accommodations for two-somes.

~~~~~

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

~~~~~

What did the skunk say when the wind turned?
It all comes back to me, now!
~~~~~

Why does a traffic light signal turn red?
You would turn red too if you had to change in front of all those people.

~~~~~

What do they call the taxicabs lined up at airports and terminals?
The yellow rows of taxis.
~~~~~

Why did the bees go on strike?
They wanted shorter flowers and more honey.

[Fwd>JFG]

ø¤º°¤°º¤ø

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*****~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

PRAY THAT OUR LEADERS WILL TURN TO GOD FOR HIS

GUIDANCE AND WISDOM IN THESE TRYING TIMES AND

KEEP PRAYING UNTIL THERE IS PEACE ENOUGH AROUND

THE WORLD AND ALL OUR TROOPS CAN COME HOME.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*****~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Stuff below FYI -only if you need it.

o^o o^o o^o o^o o^o o^o o^o o^o o^o o^o

This is just to let you know that, to my knowledge, all the “stuff” on Charlie’s Chuckles is of public domain and not copyrighted or are permitted to be shared but not for profit. TO SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE send an email to me at charlesashman@fgbc.org with the word “SUBSCRIBE” or “UNSUBSCRIBE” in the subject box. Also feel free to share some of your good non-copyrighted chucklers and comments about improving Charlie’s Chuckles. Send to: charlesashman@fgbc.org. If you prefer the Plain Text format just send an email to the same address with the words PLAIN TEXT PLEASE in the subject box.

GIFT OF GAB

2011-03-06T13:50:00.000-05:00

Chuckles by Charlie
February 23, 2011
A cheerful heart is good medicine. –Prov. 17:22a

¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°ºóº°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤
Smiling relaxes your facial muscles.
J GIVE YOURSELF A FACIAL TODAY J
Being OWLS will help you through the day
Older Wiser Laughing Souls
A dry sense of humor is better than drooling in self pity.
¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤º°°ºóº°°º¤ø¤º°°º¤ø¤

GIFT OF GAB
According the American Heritage Dictionary this phrase describes the ability to talk readily, steadily, glibly, and convincingly’. Some people come by it quite naturally while others have developed the ability by diligent personal effort over a period of years. The gift and ability flourish and grow with jungle like rapidity and morning glory vine like total coverage. These
characteristics seem to be most obvious in certain professions like; politicians, TV and radio talk-show hosts, lawyers, reporters, teachers, and professors to name a few, plus of course and preachers. [I hated to add this last one but I do have to be honest even though it cuts me where it hurts.]

Lawyerese example of the GIFT OF GAB:
The Wall Street Journal recently quoted the following comment by Robert H. Mundheim, general counsel of the U.S. Treasury Department.
      "When an ordinary man wants to give an orange to another, he would merely say, 'I give you this orange.' But when a lawyer does it, he says it in this way: 'Know all men by these presents that I hereby give, grant, bargain, sell, release, convey, transfer, and quitclaim all my right, title, interest, benefit, and use whatever in, of and concerning this chattel, otherwise known
as an orange or citrus orantium, together with all the appurtenances thereto of skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, to have and to hold the said orange together with its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice for his own use and behoof, to himself and his heirs in fee simple forever, free from a liens, encumbrances, easements, limitations, restraints, or conditions whatsoever, any
and all prior deeds, transfers or other documents whatsoever, not or anywhere made to the contrary notwithstanding, with full power to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat the said orange or give away the same, with or without its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds or juice.'

VERILY VERSE by Charlie
My dear wife claims I have the gift of “gab”
Using words to cajole, complement or jab.
Mega Time in dictionaries I do spend.
Through etymologies and meanings I do wend.
Both prose and poetry I do befriend.
But a serious flaw of speech plagues even me,
My mouth doesn't seem to have a backspace key.

~~>TIME FOR A NEW DICTIONARY
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so, I asked him why he wanted one. I expected his answer would be, "My old copy is lost," or "The cover came off."
instead he replied. "My edition defines spaceship as an "imaginary aircraft." He got the new
dictionary!            [Fwd>FW]

~~>UNUSUAL FACTS TO ADD TO YOUR GIFT OF GAB
** 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with the left hand.
** And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
** No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
** 'Dreamt' is the only word that ends with the letters 'mt.'
** Our eyes are always the same size from birth.
** But our nose and ears never stop growing. [CA: But why do they both have to start producing such an abundance of long straggling hairs when you get old?]
** The words 'racecar', 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. They are palindromes (words spelled the same forward and backwards). [CA note:“Malayalam” a dialect of southeastern India is a language where almost all the words are palindromes.]
** There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious'.
** A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
** A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
      [Adapted>AWSAFTLER]

~~>LIFE RULES

In Bill Gates' book, Business @ The Speed of Thought, he lays out rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but should. He argues that our feel-good, politically correct
teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2 - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
RULE 6 - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.
RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10 - Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
     [Fwd<THL]

~~>SIGN OF HUMANITY?
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
     ~~~~~
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
     [Fwd>JFG]

~~>WRITE IT RIGHT
     When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write. Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
     Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite,
to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right. Right?             [Fwd>MF]

~~>A WORKER’S LAMENT
It’s Only Wednesday? But…I'm waiting for the week end This week has been so long Is it really only Wednesday? This calendar must be wrong! My back feels like it's Friday. My feet are killing me. This week's gone on forever I'm so tired I cannot see! I'm dreaming that this Saturday A big nap I shall take. No work I'll do of any kind The bed I will not make! No time clock will I have to punch. No shoes that feel too tight. I'll just relax and lie around And my boss can fly a kite! [Fwd>MR]

~~>THINK ABOUT IT
“If a line is the shortest distance between two points, why does waiting in line take so long?”         [Fwd>CSD]

~~>Final PUNishment
   During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
   "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than
the spoon or the teacup."
    "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.”
   I asked for a bed near the window?"    [Fwd>JFG]
     ~~~~~
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
   A bad golfer goes, "Whack, oops!"
A bad skydiver goes, "Oops, whack!"
      [Fwd>AMJ]
    ~~~~~
Remember this motto:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid sideways, chocolate in one hand, Diet Coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful Day! And don’t pay the undertaker with a bad check! [Fwd>SS]

                          ø¤º°°º¤ø
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*****~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
PRAY THAT OUR LEADERS WILL TURN TO GOD FOR HIS
GUIDANCE AND WISDOM IN THESE TRYING TIMES AND
KEEP PRAYING UNTIL THERE IS PEACE ENOUGH AROUND
THE WORLD AND ALL OUR TROOPS CAN COME HOME.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*****~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Stuff below FYI -only if you need it.
o^o    o^o o^o   o^o   o^o o^o o^o
This is just to let you know that, to my knowledge, all the “stuff” on Charlie’s Chuckles is of public domain and not copyrighted or are permitted to be shared but not for profit. TO SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE send an email to me at charlesashman@fgbc.org with the word
“SUBSCRIBE” or “UNSUBSCRIBE” in the subject box. Also feel free to share some of your good non-copyrighted chucklers and comments about improving Charlie’s Chuckles. Send to: charlesashman@fgbc.org. If you prefer the Plain Text format just send an email to the same address with the words PLAIN TEXT PLEASE in the subject box.