I know I was gone for 2 months.  And then I came back and went all LIFE BOMB on here.  And since then things have been slow…to put it mildly.

I am having a hard time finding my footing again here.  It is difficult to come back from an extended break, and to come back and have almost everything about life be totally different just adds to that.

And life really is boring these days.  At least any part of my life that I feel comfortable sharing with the masses.  With me on modified bedrest, and it being cold & flu season…Sophia and I just hang out a lot.  We read books, watch Netflix, play with puzzles.  It really is the same thing every day.  And with the chaos impacting so many parts of life, just hanging out is exactly what I want right now.

I am working hard to put together a plan for the future, and prepare myself for what is coming.  But so much of that is private in such a deep way that I can’t just open it up and pour it out here.  I feel that one day I will be more open to discussing things surrounding the transition to being a wife and mother, to that of just a mother.  But it’s raw, and personal.  And so for now, being silent about how it is going is the most fitting thing I could do.  It obviously isn’t possible to skirt around the subject completely, but I appreciate the respect most of you have extended to me about keeping it to myself…for now.

I have a series of posts that I started writing while I was on my blogging break, a fun little series about the cool things I’ve done or seen.  And I keep opening them up in my drafts and pondering if they fit.  Some I am taking out of the series, just because it would be totally awkward to talk about how we spent Cody’s R&R a few years ago…but I think that sharing these now would help me get my legs back.  Help me get back into this space, and filling this space with me.

I think I’ll kick that off in a couple of days…but for now I am going to hang out on the couch with my tot and enjoy some quality She-Ra.

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So it’s about time I got around to that pregnancy update, huh?

Things have been interesting, to say the least.  I have been bleeding since I think 7 weeks?  Maybe 9 weeks?  It runs together to be honest with you.  Recently I have even been losing count of what week I am on and if it wasn’t for the weekly e-mails from every pregnancy site on the internet…I wouldn’t know that I was even 26 weeks.

CAN YOU BELIEVE I AM 26 WEEKS?

Frankly, I can not.  This means, at most, Holden will be arriving 12 weeks from today.  TWELVE WEEKS PEOPLE. :breathes into a bag:

But like I said, things have been interesting.  With the bleeding, insane heartburn {thank you Hiatal Hernia}, very bad iron levels…and now the contractions and borderline GD that has put me on a GD diet…I feel like the next 12 weeks could go either way.  Either FLY BY HOW IS THIS ALREADY OVER?? or OH MY GOODNESS IS HE HERE YET??

I am on a modified bed rest, doing more than the doctor would like…but he is aware of the circumstances at hand and knows sometimes there just isn’t a choice.  Holden has been handling the contractions well so far, and since I never dilate anyways…unless he starts having issues with them or they become timeable at 8 minutes apart…I will just live with them.  I think we can all agree, it’s better that he waits until April 30th to arrive.

Oh, April 30th?  That’s the date of my scheduled c-section.  I will be 38 weeks 3 days and I just hope he stays that long.  Too much going on for a surprise arrival a week early like Sophia.

The mansion uterus?  Still mansion sized.  And for some reason, the boy seems to want more room!  What is it with boys? Always wanting more than they have????  Even for all the room he has {my ute is measuring 6 weeks ahead folks!  He is measuring right on track} he still pushes out like it’s still not enough.  That sweet cuddly momma’s boy I was hoping for…probably not so cuddly.  Can’t hold him down I guess.  At this point his movements aren’t painful, but I really don’t know how much room he expects.

I can not believe in 12 weeks I will have a son.  I mean he’s my son now, but you know…the mom of a boy that is on the outside.  Crazy.  No matter how scary the future is, I am so excited to be his Momma.

So on to the bits and pieces…the picture and obligatory survey.

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I am writing this with the disclaimer that if anyone goes to the FB page, and starts drama..karma will come full circle to you.  This page is being run by two grieving parents who desperately want to share their story in hopes other parents don’t have to share their pain.  

A couple of weeks ago a lot of posts started going up on Facebook about a girl I went to high school with and her sweet baby boy, Asher.  I didn’t know a lot of details, I just knew that soon after his birth things didn’t look good for Asher and there were pleads going up on Facebook through out the day asking for prayers and positive thoughts to be sent to not only Asher, but his parents and the rest of his family.

A few days later news was posted that Asher hadn’t made it.  I cried at the time thinking of the pain they must be going through.  I went to high school with Kylie, but we were not friends, but my heart was broken knowing that she was going through a hell no parent should ever go through.  I didn’t need to know details to know that this was a horrible situation they were in.

Today, a Facebook page was started: Asher’s Fight.  And I read in horror the events that happened between his birth and the day he passed away.

A death that was avoidable, a loss that didn’t have to happen.

These parents do not want their son to have died in vain, and they want to shed light on the subject of Group B Strep.  I was shocked to learn that this is likely the reason the reason their sweet son is not home with them, even though she had tested negative at 36 weeks.

I am asking that you please take time to read their story {you can read an overview of the days of Asher’s life here}.  Please pass the page around so others can educate themselves.  Too many times people decline this testing, or don’t push for it if they go into labor before the week they are usually tested.   Maybe they feel that there are too many tests…but if stories like Ashers can be made different by testing, if it can be made different by a change to the way that they test for GBS and when they test for it…isn’t that worth the life it could save?

My heart breaks when I think about the loss they have had to endure.  No one should ever have to go through that sort of hell.  Please, take time to join the page and educate yourself, pass around the information, leave some words of prayer and encouragement for them as they try to figure out how to even move forward from something like this.

Asher’s Fight

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Our words are immeasurably powerful.  Almost 2 years ago Katherine’s amazing site saved my life, saved my sanity and changed how I looked at a lot of things.  Last year Jenna’s blog did the same thing.  It was as though I had been able to breathe in a part of my heart that had been holding it’s breath for years.

Their words changed me.  Their words were and are so powerful that I truly believe my life was made better after reading them.  I am a better person because of them, even though knowing both of them I know they would never admit that to be so.  But it is.

Words.  So powerful they can change a life.

But words can be just as powerful in such a different way.  You can let people in with your words.  You can let them into part of your heart. You can allow them to know you, and you can keep them out.  Words can be defensive, words can be hurtful, words can put up a wall and words can keep people away.

Such a funny thing when you are going through something life changing, words become intentional.  Words you say to people you try to choose carefully.  Words you say to your soon to be ex have to be weighed and considered.  Words you say on the phone while your child is awake have to be considered for tone and meaning.  In public spaces and places words have to be censored.  When you try to e-mail people back you take your time now because you want to say so much but for some reason no longer have the words.  You find a safe place to let it out, to just let the words flow out.  Sometimes those words are spelled wrong, sometimes the word is the wrong word, but they are the words you are holding tightly in side.  Prayers of words begging for something you need, healing and understanding.  Words of the Serenity Prayer whispered at night while begging for sleep.

But there’s more to words.  Words can tear down a person.  Words can be emotionally hurtful.  Words can ruin a day.  Words can break a persons soul.

All these words.  Simple words.  Letters formed together to have meaning.  Spoken, typed or hand written.  These words have power.  We give them power when we put them out there, and with most things…you can’t undo them.  You can’t unring a bell, you can’t unsay something said, you can’t unsend a comment.  You can’t take it back.  And more than what those words do to the person hearing or reading them, is what those words make of you.

Your words can make you a world changer, your words can make you sympathetic, your words can make you a helper or a healer, your words can make you bitter.  Your words always say more about you than the person you say them to.

Its the amazing thing about language.  How we choose to use it.  The people I have become so proud to know and meet and call my friends, they are changing the world with their words.  They are giving hope, they are educating, they are helping.  The e-mails and cards and notes that I have been so blessed to receive from people I hardly even deserve as my friends…they are full of words that I reread when my heart hurts, that I think on when I don’t know how I will make it through the day.  Those words are the ones I carry in my heart.  Those are the people that use their words to become people I want around me.  They are the words that make me amazed at the heart of my friends.

Words have so much power, yet we all use them so carelessly.  Usually only thinking of now, only thinking of how they make us feel and never the person they make us to be.

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Tonight I remembered a good friend of mine, Suzanne, posted about Breastfeeding and I thought I should read it while I work to make a plan on how I will feed this child in light of not only my past experience with breastfeeding but also the future and how things are going to be.  Lots to consider, it isn’t as black and white as it was a couple months ago…and while I think I’ve decided, I like to read posts about breastfeeding just to help either cement my choice or give me more to think about.

With Sophia, the girls…they were the broken.  There was nothing.  And in a perfect storm of trying to make it work, I had the worst LC on the planet.  I think if there was a prize for being the worst at something, she would win.  In four days at the hospital, I saw her twice.  Both times in the middle of the night, when I was on strong medication post-c-section and half awake.  She yelled at me once for giving in and supplementing with formula, and threatened to leave and not come back because I obviously didn’t care about doing what was best.  Cue many many many postpartum tears.  And me begging her not to go {in a non-hormonal state I would have probably told her to take a hike}.  But there was literally nothing coming out.  And she gave me many guilt trips about everything – it was just a horrid experience.  I wanted to breastfeed, but was wildly unprepared.  Medication, herbs, vitamins, pumping…those things were not things I had researched because I just figured it would just happen.  Because people tell you it’s natural, it just happens.

Almost two and a half years later and I remember exactly how I felt when I dealt with that lactation consultant.  I remember what a failure I felt like shaking up a bottle of formula.  I put on a brave face, and said it wasn’t a big deal.  My daughter was getting fed.  No biggie.  And in reality, that was totally correct.  She was eating.  But I was crushed.  I remember a friend telling me that I gave up too easily.  Maybe I did.  I will never know what would have happened had I had a pump, had I been offered the use of a hospital pump, had I been armed with herbs and milk cookies.  But I know that when my child was screaming because she was hungry, the only thing I wanted to do was feed her.  And if the girls weren’t making the milk…the formula was going to do what needed to be done.

The judgement hurt.  I was doing what I knew was best, getting food into her wee belly.  But I knew what the tone meant when someone pointed out I wasn’t breast feeding.  I heard the comments and read the remarks.  The thing is, none of it changed what my body was capable of.   The judgement didn’t magically help me breastfeed.  In fact all it did was stress me out more, which probably stood in the way of any sort of milk production.

But months ago I decided that I would breastfeed this baby.  That I would be armed with cookies, teas, vitamins and herbs…and if I smelled like maple syrup for the rest of my life because of the amount of fenugreek in my body…SO BE IT.  I was going to give it my all.  And I knew more this time.  I know it will hurt, I know that it is probable that I will deal with issues with supply, I know what I need to demand from an LC and what to request from the staff & hospital.  I was able to ask people like Suzanne questions {as well as the milk-production-triplet-mom-goddess-Jenny}, explain my concerns and talk to them.  And they were honest.  They didn’t toss glitter and magic unicorn dust at me and tell me it would just happen, relax, I was worrying about it too much.

They are the type of people that we need talking about breastfeeding.  They are the type of voices that need to be heard about the fray.   Because there is constant judgement and pushing of views and side way glances.  And yes, it comes from both sides.  And I find it ridiculous.  WHO CARES.  In the post that started this brain dump of thoughts {which I realize now this thought process probably isn’t as clear as it was in my brain, but go with me}  Suzanne says “The bottom line is because mothers have found more information and more support and more honesty about breastfeeding there are more babies getting more breastmilk.” And I wanted to hug her through my screen {Suzanne, just remember those times we hugged in August and pretend I was doing that today}.

The judgement of choices of parents only isolates us.  All of us.  Even the one judging.  It pushes people away, it causes us to worry, it causes stress.  I wanted to breastfeed, but support was so lacking that when a nurse offered me formula, I said absolutely.  I was already feeling guilty because I didn’t have a better pillow {so said crappy LC}.  I was already feeling guilty that my body failed and went into labor a week before my already scheduled c-section {see, another thing to feel guilty about}.  I was feeling guilty about everything possible.  And then here was this baby crying.  And there was no support.  I didn’t know what to ask, who to ask, what I was doing.  I didn’t bother asking the message board I had spent my pregnancy on because reading a lot of  ”It just happens naturally.  Just go with it.  Mother nature designed them for this job.  Your body will just do it” was obviously just going to add to my guilt.  It takes honesty.  Nothing about parenting is easy.  Almost none of it just comes naturally.  Where there isn’t some emotional tole, there is likely an physical one.  And the only thing to get people to join your ‘team’ is to be welcoming, to be honest, to offer support even when the person gives up.  Because ‘giving up’ isn’t the easy way out.  None of this is easy.

All of us want to do what is best for our children.  The tone that by giving up, that by not trying for reasons that are none of anyone’s business, that doing things differently than the strongest lactivist means that you don’t want the best for our children…it has to stop.  It has to stop now.  It pushes people away from trying.  It pushes people into feeling guilty for their choices.  And guilt does not sway people the way you want it to.  It isolates people.  It makes people bitter.  It turns people off.

If you want to be a breastfeeding advocate be the kind that offers support.  Answers questions honestly.  Doesn’t hide behind smoke and mirrors.  You will only scare people away with the lies.

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Long long ago in a land far far away….

Or just a couple weeks ago in the land of blogs….I saw the magic of the Fairy Hobmother in action.  Having no idea what to expect…or what was coming.  Wishes and dreams and Fairy Hobmother dust….that’s what this story is made of.

I was reading a friends blog, when I saw the story…and was compelled to comment {not compelled in a vampire way, sorry Miranda}.  To leave a wish {of which I have many, but since time travel and magic healing powers probably wouldn’t be something possible…..}.  And the Fairy Hobmother waved her Fairy Wand and said some magic words and I got my wish granted!  The thing that is magical…is you never know just when her wand might swing your way.  Maybe you will get something you need, something you want, something magical….and maybe even the Best Washing Machine!

If you leave a wish below you may just get that wish granted by your very own Fairy Hobmother.

PS: You won’t even believe how excited I am that the wish I was granted was one that will help me make my next place a place for me!

This was supposed to be gracing the internets a  couple of days ago , but scheduling issues…the black out

and well…here it is now!  Bippity Boppity will the Fairy Hobmother visit you????

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There is all sorts of advice that comes with life changing events.  When you graduate, when you move into your first place, when you get married, when you have children, when you get divorced…and everything in between.

Some advice you just take with a grain of salt.  Some advice you shrug off and assume you know better {and sometimes, you actually do!}.  Some advice you ponder and think back on over the years.  Some advice you pass along to others.

I welcome all advice, because you never know when you may pull that little morsel out of your mental filing cabinet and use it.

Recently I received a piece of advice I have thought about, pondered, weighed…and decided it’s good solid advice.  Maybe not completely reasonable, obviously.  But good advice.

When you move, redecorate with new bedding and bathroom colors.  Put new art on the walls and new pillows on the couch.  Make it “me” and not “we”.

Will it still be a we?  Well, yes.  It will be for me and Sophia and Holden.  Is this something that is completely reasonable? Meh, not really.  This costs money, and has to be weighed on a scale of needs and wants.  And mentally, I think that it falls in the middle.  Not completely frivolous {like a weekend vacation giveaway would be}, but not completely necessary like food on the table.

I decided to set up a wishlist and think of color schemes and such for a place that is me.  A fun home with girlie touches.  With splashes of bright colors and fun.  With quotes and patterns.  I would browse Pinterest, sometimes even searching for color combos I thought would go well together {sometimes, they didn’t…thank goodness for Pinterest!}

Will I be able to do this all right away?  Not at all.  Because the things that are absolute needs come first.  But I thought I’d share what I am loving for rooms of what will be my new home with the kids!

The master bedroom

I picture a fabulous navy patterned duvet cover & pillow shams paired with a set of fuchsia sheets. Add in some bold artwork on the wall. Perfection.

 More: link & link

The master bathroom

I picture a ruffled shower curtain with coordinating towels candles on {thrifted and painted} candle sticks. A relaxing spot in a, what is sure to be, chaotic home.

 More: link

The Living Room

I have gone back and forth on living room colors. The livingroom furniture is going to be dark brown, and I knew it would need pops of bright color. This quote is absolutely needed in a new home. Add some yellow pillows, maybe some yellow damask patterns here and there. A little bit on sunshine indoors to change the feel of the dark furniture!

More: link & link

The Second Bathroom

I pinned this months ago. I think it would be perfect in a bathroom that needs to be for the kids, but also for guests to use when they stop by for a visit. A fun chevron patterned shower curtain, coordinating towels.

More: link

Sophia’s Room

I want to keep many things the same about Sophia's room. She won't be able to have her bright, fun turquoise walls in an apartment. But I would love to keep things as bright as possible for her. This bedding set couldn't be more fitting. I picture bright artwork and poms hanging from the ceiling.

 More: link 

Who knows how much of this I’ll be able to do.  I am still stressing out about needs.  But allowing myself to think about wants, allowing myself to plan a home for me and the kids.  Allowing myself to picture ruffles and chevrons and cursive art work…it’s been fun.  It’s allowed me to day dream occasionally instead of worry.  It’s forced some silver lining into the storm cloud.

So what do y’all think?  Maybe before the end of the year I will be doing a home tour of our new place and you’ll see these ideas in use.  Only time will tell……

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I have blogged about Sophia’s speech numerous times.  I try to update regularly on progress.  And then all of a sudden there was so much progress I didn’t know where to start.

Words?  Yes.

Counting? Yes.

Songs?  Yes.

Sentences? Yes.

Questions? Yes.

Requests? Yes. {although I am sure you mean demands}

Now, you can hear her singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star when she should be napping.  Now, when I ask her “Are you ready” she will crouch down and yell “SET, GO!” and pretend to take off.  Now, when I ask her what she wants for breakfast, she answers “Waffes” and runs to the fridge chanting “Waff, waff, waff, waff”.  Now, when I am trying to finish up a project before going to her room to get her post-nap I can hear her knock on the door asking “Oh Mommmmaaaaa, where ARREEEE yoooou?”

And for all those people who told me that once she started talking {and didn’t stop} I would regret wanting her to talk so badly?  You were all wrong.  Yes, sometimes hearing Mommy over and over and over again is hard on the ears.  Sometimes when I am on the phone and she is in the background going “Duck says quack quack Momma, you try” makes it difficult to get business handled over the phone.  But I am always so grateful for her words.

These words were so prayed for.  These words were so worked for.  These words are beautiful.  They are hilarious.

Does she still babble?  Oh yes, when she gets really excited about something she still spills a string of babble, while he hands fly around {because you can never get your point across with out using your hands}.

And in December she had her last Early Intervention session.  She’ll still have speech therapy, it serves more of a safety net, we didn’t want to just pull her out of everything and cause regression.  She’ll still have a file open with TEIS in case when Sophia turns three any other problems come up.

I couldn’t begin to tell you how exciting it has been to watch it all click.  The day she said her first spontaneous sentence, I cried.  When she shocked me by singing her ABC’s {not perfectly, about 1/3 get mumbled}.  When she asked me a question about stickers when checking out at Target, I mean after all I did tell her they would give her one if she sat buckled in her seat.

I have appreciated all the e-mails and comments and encouragement.  And as always if anyone has any questions about Early Intervention, speech consults, our experience with the programs, or anything else…just e-mail me!  I will be more than happy to answer them!!

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So while it’s rather hard to follow up a post like the last one, I feel like I have to trudge through and do just that.  Follow up, trudge through.  So….with that said….

Every year I read the resolutions of others.  Because before twitter sharing, there was FB sharing.  And before FB sharing there was MySpace sharing.  And before MySpace sharing there were those surveys that you got in your e-mail daily.

Anyways, with everything going on I really saw no point in making resolutions.

But I figure…that my plan for 2012 is sort of a bunch of resolutions that have to happen.  So why not list them all.  And then come December I can rate the success of 2012 on how they went.

-Keep two kids alive and healthy in 2012 {well, you know, once Holden one is an outside child and all..there will be two!}

-Move into an apartment and decorate it.  You know, unlike the house that is still not totally decorated. Oops.

-Write thank you notes.  Because there is always something touching about a note of gratitude in the mail.

-Lose all the baby weight, and at the same time not let myself go in other ways.  We all know how easy that is, well the letting yourself go…not the baby weight part. Eeks.

-Try to not be overwhelmed with jealousy when my soul-mates-on-the-internets are having a blast in NYC at BlogHer ’12 with out me.

-Purge.  This is so major.  I have to downsize.  I may be joining Morgan’s weekly purge day.

-GET A JOB.

So yeah, I am late with the resolutions. But such is life.  Now I just have to iron out all the details of how that’s all going to happen….minor little inconvenience.  Psh.  Follow through.

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The fact that I could come up with a title for this beyond “uhhhh” is a testament to how far I have come recently.

I am going to write this.  Put this out there.  I have made a site that I am keeping fairly private {as in people have links, but not everyone, and I will never be linking it here.  Ever.  And if you try to post it in the comments here I will drop your comment like a hot potato} that I allow myself to discuss it on.  So I am not sure how much I will be talking about it all here.  Obviously it will be part of this space.  But as with most things in life…one things affects everything.

I will try to keep this space neutral.  But this post has to be written.  Because this is now a part of my family.

Cody and I are getting a divorce.

The time frame on that, the details of it all…I am not ready to openly talk about.  I will say, no, I didn’t expect this.  This is such an incredibly difficult time for me right now.  Sophia, of course, really doesn’t know much of a difference and goes about life blissfully ignorant.  And I wouldn’t have her be any other way about what is going on.

But that is that.  Since this happened I have received many e-mails, FB messages, texts, and tweets/DMs.  I have told people as they asked for the most part.  I have volunteered it to certain people with out them asking.  But if you feel slighted or shocked by not knowing you should know that there were a lot of reasons.  I think it was better that I was forced to bite my tongue in certain areas and make a place I could write with out holding back.  I think it was healthy for me.  It was smart for me.  And in a world where we share everything with everyone every moment of every day. It was probably one of the best things I have done since this happened.

Anyways, there it is.  I am trying to piece some sort of sanity back together in this storm.  And that is what I will be doing.  Piecing it all back together.  Life.  Family.  Future.  Things will be majorly changing in 2012.  I don’t know exactly what is to come.  But the word of 2012 is survive.

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