chasing seagulls

merry Christmas!

2011-12-21T21:36:00.000-05:00

merry Christmas!

2011

isaiah 9:6

love, the mcgarity clan

"mice to meet you"

2011-08-03T21:52:00.006-04:00

it has been a while-

"mice to meet you"

i must say i have missed blogging but not really. i have had NO time! the past 7 months ( wow, has it really been that long) have been a blur. so much has gone on in our lives. we have celebrated finn's 1st birthday, beau's 9th, maggie's 8th, matt graduated from seminary, planted relevant Church, had a lot of therapy appointments, few doctor visits, & so much more. we have just tried to survive our craziness.

libby claire had an appointment with dr. matthews last week. he is always encouraging & loves libs. he has ordered a new CT scan & hopes there is bone growth behind the kryptonite (prosthetic bone material) if so, he would love to go in & shave down the kryptonite & one day she would just have her OWN skull!

i seem to dread these appointments & find myself caught between gratefulness for the doctors but my heart wants for there to be no more appointments, ever. i stress, delay in scheduling the actual appointment, & end up in tears just because. i would really like for her to have just a typical life as a 3 1/2 year old. dr. matthews sees some things that libs is challenged with. her impulsiveness, lack of safety & personal boundaries, the constant state of motion her body is in, her lack of memory, speech, following directions, the list seems endless. he wants us to seek supplements to change her chemistry. she will begin to take magnesium citrate, zinc glisinate, & fish oil (DHA), & CALM. he hopes it will help with a lot of her brain activity. we do too! matt & i are in a constant state of motion also, watching, talking, punishing, protecting, coaching-parenting! but it seems to be more taxing to parent a child with a "brain injury." we are back to the drawing board with her therapists. we meet 2-3 times a week. she is still in cognitive delay therapy & speech.

but when i get bogged down in the day-to-day challenges i remember that God has known all her days before they ever were. He knew this would all take place. i regret the frustration i have- it is replaced with the people Jesus has touched thru her, the lives changed. i would never change that nor take it back. of course, "normal" would be great but who has that? i am reminding myself daily to love her where she is, who she is, & even more who she is making us be as parents. we find ourselves wanting her to be more gentle, slower, talk more, push less, understand, follow instructions, slow down! but why? that is her...fearfully & wonderfully made! PRAISE THE LORD!

i am hoping for all of you that the "libby claire's" in your life ,whatever they may be, no matter how constant & how consuming you recognize He has ordained all your days. He has set them before you, and then have courage because He is walking with you.

libby claire has never met a stranger...but when she greets you she sticks out her hand & says "mice to meet you!" plan on sticking out your hand & taking HIS.

isaiah 41:10

fear not, for i am with you.

do not be dismayed, for I am your God;

i will strengthen you, i will help you,

i will uphold you with my righteous hand.

merry CHRISTmas!

2010-12-14T21:00:00.002-05:00

christmas cactus

2010-12-09T15:15:00.006-05:00

"i will have fries with that"

libby claire is our little RMH model! she was asked to be in some photos for a company doing fundraising for the ronald mcdonald house. she will be on the collection canisters.

bloom under stress

2 years ago a friend brought us a Christmas cactus for Christmas. they had just been blessed with their new addition. the adoption process was complete & they were to spend their first Christmas as mommy & daddy. it had tiny blooms on it & i couldn't wait to see it burst forth with the beautiful pink blossoms. it was something i cherished having given to me. i would anticipate the blooms every year. prepare for them, see the buds form, then the delicate flowers drip out of the ends of the dark green cactus leaf.

last year our cactus did not bloom. it had stayed in the same spot. i thought i had watered it not to much but enough. the sun was the same, temperature same, i was not sure what was going on. i missed seeing it bloom.

this fall i did a bit of reading up on these cactus plants.

they bloom best under stress!

i moved my plant in the closet for a few days. i completely stopped watering it. no water for months. i then pulled it out and placed it on matt's desk in the front of the house with bright sunlight. within a few days the tiny little buds began to push to the tips of the cactus leaf. they turned light pink & continued to grow. i now have a plant full of blooms ready to burst forth just in time for Christ birth.

i can relate to the Christmas cactus. we have gone through our time in the dark, closed in closet. left parched & dry. but how wonderful when i could finally see the buds. my dear friend who gave me the Christmas cactus was able to bloom during her battle with breast cancer. what is your stress?

the most important question is are you like the Christmas cactus? able to bloom under stress or do you wither away & die. refusing to bloom?

my mint nutty buddy

2010-11-22T13:02:00.003-05:00

beau went to the grocery store with me the other afternoon. for a treat he got to pick out the dessert we were going to have after dinner that night...big deal dessert is at our house. great motivation tool & always keeps behavior in check during the week. he chose a variety box of nutty buddy ice cream cones. score-it even had the mint chocolate covered ones...but only three in the box. after dinner maggie went to the freezer & picked her fudge filled nutty buddy, libs got the same. i think it was more the purple writing on the wrapper than it was the fudge filling, girls! i followed by getting myself a mint chocolate dipped one. beau perked up at the table & mac was already getting out of his seat. it really was a mad dash to the freezer for a mint cone. mac got one & beau got one- there were no more mint cones left. matt of course went to the freezer pouting because he knew he got a plain vanilla nutty buddy. upon his return to the table we had all opened and begun to enjoy the joy of eating of our chosen dessert. i know matt loves mint ice cream anything. i could tell, not to mention his complaints about getting shafted out of his favorite dessert that he really wanted a mint one-not plain vanilla. so what does a good wife do? what does a good christian wife do? what does a Godly woman do?

i offered my mint chocolate dipped cone over to my husband. i totally was expecting him to refuse & go ahead and let me enjoy my already opened dessert, but NO, he took it right out of my hands. then on top of that he relished every last bite even saying how amazing it was. in my face. i was left with the stinking vanilla cone.

while watching this unfold i could not really tell where my heart was. on one hand i knew i should have openly & freely given it to matt. i mean i offered it. i could have very well have kept my mouth shut & savored every bite of my mint cone. after all, i got it first. better yet, our boys could have given their father their cone. he should be in charge...getting what he wants. our boys didn't buy them. i kept saying in my mind that i should be able to give & give happily. it is just a little ice cream cone. i can even go out and buy more tomorrow if i want one that bad. how ridiculous that i am still thinking he should have refused or even why am i going round
& round over a silly ice cream cone. that was not Godly. secretly i pouted while i finished my plain jane cone-

once the kiddos all got put in bed i began to think on that scenario of the mint chocolate dipped cone. it all flooded me as i was writing. matt's best friend chris passed on thursday of last week. hard weekend...amanda chris's wife asked me to embody chris in writing. mighty task. i was humbled & honored to be asked. as i wrote words about this blameless godly man i was thrown back to my dessert. my choice at the table. i offered & gave my prized ice cream cone. it looked and seemed to be sincere but in my heart i really wanted to keep it. i was convicted about how many times i have offered, given, followed through only because i needed to or it would be the right thing to do. or even the times i offered only hoping & wishing the other person would refuse.

what kind of person does that? as my heart wrote words to sum up the life & ministry of chris brown i learned something so amazing. from now on i will spend my days in service. chris was a servant. whole hearted, giving freely, never asking because it was the right thing to do. i will take form chris a true selflessness. a sacrifice, yes, but such a heart reward. he was Christ like in everyway.

today i look at what happened around our dinner table with a new frame of mind. yes, i wanted my mint nutty buddy. i shopped for it, paid for it, unloaded it out of the grocery bag, planned on eating it for dessert, even got up & got it for myself. i unwrapped it...i wanted it. but looking across the table i saw matt who wanted it also. he needed it more than i did. he looked sad with his little plain vanilla nutty buddy. i gave mine to him.

plain & simple, I GAVE.

& i plan to do it more often & a lot more of it...freely & expecting nothing!

restoration & redemption

2010-11-04T12:17:00.003-04:00

re-demp-tion

1. an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed. 2. deliverance; rescue. 3. Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation. 4. atonement for guilt. 5. repurchase, as of something sold. 6. paying off, as of a mortgage, bond or note. 7. recovery

res-to-ra-tion

1.the act of restoring;renewal, revival or reestablishment. 2. the state or fact of being restored. 3. a return of something to a former, original, normal or unimpaired condition. 4. restitution of something taken away or lost. 5. something that is restored, as by renovating.

have you ever passed the old run down abandoned buildings & thought how sad. i recently spent some time thinking on these buildings.

once full of life, a business or a home. the people that would come and go on a daily basis. the things made in the building or memories made in that home. it was an address. it had identity. if it were a mill or factory it had purpose. would manufacture items, ship them out, supply something. workers would come in, produce.

if a home...a family was once inside the walls. it would have been decorated. possibly children born in the home, raised in that now empty house. life happened in the house.
i can imagine the hustle and bustle of both. a vital part of whatever community or neighborhood it was in.

now all that is left is an empty shell of once was. the vitality gone, life absent. windows eventually become broken out, doors & walls cave in. the weeds seep in & overtake the walls. it is unkempt & abandoned. lifeless. how desperate it looks for care. the building sad and empty.
soon a for sale sign goes up- a promise of sorts.

there is hope. it will get cleaned out. fixed up. the walls repaired, new windows & doors. weeds pulled & eventually flowers will begin to grow. restoration will come. redemption. one day it will begin to produce again, one day.

-there is a greater HOPE.

normal cloudy day

2010-10-26T10:13:00.005-04:00

i am so sorry i have not posted in a long time. i was at a few church events, the grocery store & even a gas station & have been asked the same question over & over. how is libby claire? you have not written in so long. no news is good news!

2 corinthians 4: 8-10

we are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed & broken. we are perplexed, but we don't give up & quit. we are hunted down, but God never abandons us. we get knocked down, but we get up & keep going. though suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be in our bodies.

why most of our "God revelations" happen in the car on the way to school i have no idea. this morning was no different. it was cloudy & misting rain when we drove this morning. mac said something more deep than i think he realized & it spoke so to my heart. he explained that even when the rain clouds are hovering over us, they are constantly moving away from us. then on top of that even if the storm clouds are thick there is a blue sky on top. you can't see it but it is there. beau added that it was just like Jesus. always there. above it all. holy cow! am i a blessed mama or what? they were so true, so right.

i was reading this morning a came to this verse. how clearly it described our last year and a half. if you are just coming across this blog please visit our caringbridge to get updated. i can only take encouragement & comfort in these words from this verse. how true, so right! we all come to places like this were we feel hunted down, crushed, perplexed. we are knocked down. as a believer & know i am not alone, i am not abandoned. i will not give up, i am not broken. i will constantly share in the death of my Jesus so His life can be seen in my body!

yes, these days since libs was cleared from her surgery have been wonderful. our family has finally enjoyed some normal family time. libby claire has been able to run, play, climb, play in the chick-fil-a playset, jump on her bed...you name it...she has done it. we have sheltered her for so long. it was a hard at first to trust that her head really was hard & she could fall or bump or even bang & she would be fine. a few things different about her little "fake" head. weird as they are-

her skull is chilly, almost cold where her natural bone stops & the kryptonite starts, strange!

the times she has bumped her head she doesn't get a goose egg or even a bump, weird!

it has all settled now & it is a little lopsided, unique!

she no longer says "boo-boo" & points to her head, amazing!

she has returned to preschool like normal. she loves every minute of it. she still has therapy twice a week. we are going to add another speech day soon so that will be a little busier than now but she loves miss barb & really looks at it like a playday. libby claire has started dance & squeals with delight on dance days. she is precious in her leotard & tutu. libby claire is a "healthy girl" so squeezing her into that outfit makes it even more precious. she sucks in when we slide her tights on. so funny! one day we will put limits on her but watching our girl go from a normal weight down to 19lbs last year was hard. then watching the pain of relearning to swallow, eat from a bottle, then on to foods. wow, we have come a long way in a year & half. so if libs wants snacks & lunch & then dessert...she gets it!

brain injury is a tricky thing. in most cases she is a normal almost 3 year old but in some we are still working out "kinks."

please continue to lift us up as we are not sure when the next surgery will be. (hopefully, 3 or 4 years) but we never know.

pray for:

libs speech

our family

our other kiddos

our ministry

our relevant church

release from fear & anxiety

thank you for reading & following our libby claire. God has BIG plans for her. & obviously all our chitlens! watch & see!

business in front,party in back

2010-09-19T15:12:00.007-04:00

i look a little rough but & i am doing great!

psalm 86:12

with all of my heart i will praise you, o Lord my God, i will give glory to your name forever.

libby claire's surgery went as planned. the night before we gathered together & prayed for her. knowing matt & i would not sleep we spent the night semi-awake, semi-asleep. mac, beau,maggie & finn slept wonderful. we woke libby claire up around 4:40am to load up in the car. mima & papa came to the house to get everyone else ready for school.

we arrived at levine around 5:15. like libby claire she made a grand entrance. all our ladies at the front desk remembered who she was & she got the royal treatment. of course, a wagon ride to the pre-op floor!

we met with the doctors, surgeons, nurses & all before she was taken back. they normally give the kiddos some versid before they take them so they become sleepy & a little loopy. well, our girl spit it all out. i should say spewed it. she then followed by saying "uckie." we were a apprehensive about her willingly leaving us & going with someone in doctor garb. like our pips she was very social, playful, engaging everyone in the pre-op. until dr. mclanahan came in to visit for our pre-op. she must have had just a little bit of the versid take effect b/c she was abnormally agitated. her arms were flying about, just acting...well, weird. he asked a bunch of questions and all our answers were "no." but, she was displaying all the behavior he was asking about. she "showed out." of course!

it was time-dr.matthews was in the pre-op room with us when they wrapped libby claire in a warm blanket & off to the OR. when we said bye & had our last kisses i began to cry. when i looked into dr. matthews eyes he began to tear up to. how compassionate. what a blessing it is to have him as our surgeon! we had no more questions & so once again we were left in a pre-op room alone. virginia, our fav nurse took us to the waiting area. God is so about the details. virginia was our PACU nurse after libs last surgery. this time she was our pre-op nurse. just from talking we learned that virginia's husband is in seminary with matt at gordon-conwell. he came to the waiting area to meet with us & pray. i must say he is great at calming the heart with chit chat. our beloved kenny, another pastor on staff with matt at RHCC, came to sit as well. when kenny is with you so is Jesus. He is written all over kenny. the trainer fam, and a few others were there with us. the in & out, deep prayers & updating facebook kept us busy during the almost 6 hours. they did bring us her hair they shaved again. hints the return of the semi-mullet. business in front, party in back!

dr.matthews came out holding a kryptonite button for us. he had done it! but the most awesome part was he said HE had really done it! libby claire had been the youngest patient to get the material...prosthetic bone in her skull. he affirmed all we had hoped & believed. while the trainer family was with us we prayed. tony prayed specifically that God would guide dr.matthews hands, she would recovery quickly, not need to be in the PICU, and also not need the 2nd part of this 2 part surgery. well, He is so faithful! dr.matthews repeated with precision exactly what we had prayed a few hours before. yes, he said God was with him the whole time in the OR & guided his every move, she did not even need to be in the PICU, she could go straight to the progressive floor & libby claire would not need part 2 until maybe january! GOD IS SO GOOD, ALL THE TIME!

recovery was easy until thursday evening. her eyes began to swell shut, she pulled out iv's, tubes & such. she wouldn't really eat or drink. libby claire was restless & would not fall asleep. she would say "scary." to not go into to many details, it was bad. we did make it to CT scan with her. matt again got to lay on top of libs holding her & so she would sit still. the hospital archives all scan done & so we were able to get a disc with all of the x-rays, MRI's & CT scans she has had. we have looked through a few. wow, there was a lot of scans done to our little one. really neat to see the pictures of the then fractured skull that almost ended her life, to the bone flap removed, then replaced, then reabsorbed, crazy!

we were discharged & even with swollen eyes & face she seemed to want to swing on the swingset & we even let her climb to the top to slide. from the moment we returned home she has been full libby claire typical speed!

in teaching on wednesday nights at the church our first bible verse i had for everyone to memorize for the week was psalm 86:11. but keep reading to 86:12. i will give glory to your name forever!

libby claire started preschool at our church. the first day she came running out with matt to the car. she was so proud of the picture she had painted. it was a mess of colors, not one bit in the lines. she kept saying "look, paint." she was so eager to share her treasure with me. i was so happy, took the painting put it on the front of the fridge & gave her a huge squeeze. i could not have kissed her & said thank you enough. she was mine & even in the mess of paint, all in & out of the perfect black lines, off the page painting it was, it was hers.

we are God's. even in our mess, imperfectness, out of all the black lines, off the page, our paints all running together craziness, we are His. regardless He will scoop us up & call us His own.

thank you for praying for libby claire, her doctors, surgeons & team. we are well on the road to recovery & are enjoying a hard head! if you are just happening on our site please go to:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/libbyclairemcgarity for full details on our story! we love to share how God showed up, stood faithful & true. He shed mercy & grace over our girl. she is a miracle!

surgery update

2010-09-06T12:45:00.003-04:00

first i need to apologize for not updating sooner. libby claire has done amazingly well.

this picture was taken at 5am when we got checked into levine children's hospital. she was so happy & excited to be out & about!

we went to the pre-op floor & played with toys,met with the surgeons, & got into a hospital gown & had vitals checked. libby claire needed to take versid to get her a little sleepy & loopy so she would go with the nurse back to the OR. that back fired. she spit the medicine out everywhere. so when the time came she was carried back with her pabby, huggums, silkie & night night.

in the PACU with mama

one day post surg

2 days post surg

4 days post surg.

thanks for praying for me!

we did not take any pictures the 3rd day. it was difficult. her eyes were swollen shut & she was not doing so great. libby claire is a week & a half out from surgery date & is doing fantastic. she has played on the playset, started eating again, feeling better, off tylenol, & ready to face the world with her new hard head.

i do not have long to write & will post the whole surgery story, as she did excellent! God moved His hand once again & we have a tale to tell. check back soon. THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR LIBBY CLAIRE, HER DOCTORS, & OUR FAMILY!

5 days!

2010-08-20T21:19:00.003-04:00

little miss at pre-op

5 days-

the official count down. we all know surgery is coming. not only on the calendar, in our minds, but in our home. it never fails stress brings out the crazies in matt & myself. so far, we cleaned & organized our garage, recovered a chair ourselves, steam cleaned all the carpets, painted our huge 2 story entry hall & up the stairs & the hall upstairs, folded & reorganized our closets, stayed up till midnight then wake up at 4am not going back to sleep. he rolls over then i roll over...all morning till 6:30 comes around.

luckily, the kids started school this week. which is good. they will be busy & out of the house while we are occupied at the hospital with libs. mima ( my mom) will have finn the whole time we are away. basically, "on-call" for the kids. matt & i plan to switch off this time. he will spend the night with libby claire, then i will. that way one parent will be at home with the big kids & baby. hopefully, they can stay on schedule, homework done & good meals. somewhat normal. it is hard for mac, beau & maggie to not know what is going on. we explain the surgery the best we can but they only remember the length & horrible stay we had in florida. we try to compare it to the surgery she had in September of last year but they only remember that we were not around for mac's birthday. urg...not good!

pre-op went great. i again didn't feel well that morning. i blamed matt's driving as we made our way up to the hospital but he didn't feel so hot either. weird how your body works. inside we are so confused. excited & hopeful that these 2 next surgeries will be it for our baby girl but dreading the whole process. it is horrendous what she has to do. opened wide open, foreign putty like mess put in her head, jammed right up against her brain, left to harden, central line, iv's, tape, diapers, blood drainage bulbs, possibly a lumbar csf drain. ugly, dreaded medical crap! but on the other hand awesome! our hard headed one will really have a hard head. finally, she will be able to play on a playground, ride a scooter, jump off of the coffee table onto the sofa, run like a mad man throughout the house, climb on & over everything and anything. she will be let off the leash, so to speak. we have protected, worried, stressed long enough. we are ready for her to be a normal 2 1/2 year old, she is ready!

in true libby claire style she had everyone at levine wrapped around her finger. we walked in & got checked in at the front desk. of course, they all remembered who she was. we made our way to the 5th floor, surgery floor. as we walked in our favorite face...virginia. she was our PACU nurse in september. she got us all checked in, we met with anesthesia, then off to bloodwork. they laughed & remembered who she was too. commented on how busy, friendly, & fast she was & still is. she had them in stitches. we finished up with lunch in the cafe & headed home. it was good to have that behind us but sad that levine is so familiar to us. i love it there but wish we didn't know everyone there & never had to go there.

next week will bring more pre-op doctor appointments. then we will get all packed up tuesday night then head up to the hospital around 5 am. she will be given versid as i hold her. i hope she falls asleep this time. last surgery she was awake when they took her to the OR, it just makes it harder seeing her go when she is awake. the start time is somewhere between 6:30 and 7am. then the waiting game. once surgery is over we wil go to the PACU to see her. then to the PICU. we expect the recovery to be the same for this surgery as the last. it will take her a day or so to really wake up.

thank you for checking in & the continuous prayers. prayers to pray:

for her surgeons dr. matthews & dr.mclanahan

for the OR staff

for no side effects of anesthesia (she got sick last time)

for the kryptonite (material put in her missing skull part)

for our children to be at peace & confidant while all this is going on

for little finn

for matt & myself, just pray for fear, peace, stress, time, trust, work, driving to & from, our family being apart at night, & matt for the mornings he has to fix maggie's hair for school! haha

our psalm 121 & psalm 37!

btw-

our pumpkin plant has a pumpkin! crazy!

pumpkins

2010-07-27T15:10:00.003-04:00

over the summer we have noticed that there has been some strange little plants popping up beside our driveway. crazy these little things are very hardy & grow like crazy. they began to bloom. at some point we were digging around trying to figure out what these little plants were. well, we founds tons of pumpkin seeds in the pine needles. the kids carved their pumpkins on the driveway & we ended up sweeping the seeds off into the beds beside the driveway. well, now we have pumpkin plants.

they start out poking out of the seed. then a shoot comes up with 2 perfect round green leaves. the base of the plant that is attached to the root is thick & strong. it begins to grow & grow fast. the vine becomes long, twisty, with leaves everywhere. it literally grows overnight. then we would see little buds on the vines. they would bloom into beautiful yellow flowers. we watered them. put some fertilizer on them. they would open up & soak in the sun. mac & i looked up pumpkin plants because we never noticed any pumpkins or even the start of one. i thought it needed to be closer to fall & then they would grow but come to find out they are sterile. some pumpkin plants or plants in general never bear fruit. never, ever bear fruit.

i plucked up a hand full & trashed them. now we only have a few growing. they are pointless to have. yes, now we admire the flowers & they still get watered every once in a while but they will never have pumpkins.

i got thinking about my life as a believer. was i a pumpkin plant who was sterile or do i bear fruit. i never imagined myself as a missionary or craving seeing someone come to faith for the 1st time. born again, crazy Jesus freak! i also was NOT a preacher's wife. well, that one came back to bite me. slowly, i have started to feel sterile. yes, i am raising my children as true disciples of Christ, & i do write about faith & live out loud but i am feeling that i am missing the fruit. i am beginning to want more. i need to do more. so during this time i am going to be watered daily by the word, feed by the Spirit, & watch as my vine grows strong & sturdy. soon the leaves will come. then when i do have a beautiful yellow bloom it will become & pumpkin & i will bear fruit.

He has planted the seed in me & i am ready to grow. i want to see what He will bring forth.

Are you a sterile pumpkin plant?

bring it on!

2010-07-16T07:46:00.007-04:00

we got the call, august 25th will be libby claire's next surgery, then another shortly after.

summer is almost over. we have been really busy since our last blog post. we went to florida for our family vacation. a year we have waited to return. return to my parents beach house where libs fell, the PICU, the visit with the EMT's & firefighters, the beach, the waves & those seagulls. we finally returned. it was stressful for the first 2 days then we settled in & enjoyed every minute. the beach was beautiful, of course! libby claire was in her element. she could run, swim, dig, play, get dirty, eat snacks & share with the seagulls. followed by chasing them up and down the beach. we went to see the first responders who were in the ambulance with libs. it was so special to thank them & let them see her in true libby claire"ism" running & climbing in and out of the firetruck. we also went to see everyone at all children's hospital. they were in the process of building the new children's hospital while we were there & so we finally got to see the new ACH. we loved seeing everyone. it was a happy, great visit. a little less emotional b/c the building was new. we didn't see libby claire's room or the familiar halls or any of the spots we would fequent last summer. it was wonderful. go to mcgarity clan to see pictures from our family trip.

it was pretty uneventful until the ride home. our 10 hour trip became a 14 hour trip when our left rear tire blew out in our suburban. not fun! thank God for the good samaritan~

back at home now we have had therapy, doctors appointments & daily libby claire stuff. she continues to test our patience & i think takes true pleasure in watching us juggle a baby, 3 older children & still chase her around. her helmet might as well not be on b/c she rips the velcro & takes it off every time we put it on her. during libs coma i specifically remember praying for her just to move, for her to be able to blink, lift her arms, hug me, hold my hand, one day to walk & wow...for her to run. they said those might come but might never. i get flustered & short on patience some days but daily, almost hourly i am reminded of where we were last year. i am so grateful for those fast little legs running, climbing & jumping. even if i am the one chasing after them, barely able to keep up.

we are going to have our own little "SUPERGIRL." yes, we have decided & with libby claire's cranio-facial specialist to go with the kryptonite. we got the call this morning & dr. mclanahan & dr. matthews will be operating on libby claire on august 25th. it will be similar to her surgery last september 3rd. as we have talked about they will place the material in, let it set & harden. then will go back in about 2 weeks later to shave & polish the prosthetic down & make it smooth. we are not sure about csf lumbar drain or anything neurosurgery wise. i guess dr. mclanahan will see what he thinks while she is open. the ultrasound done of her brain shows that the ventricles are slightly enlarged & she is where she should be post-traumatic brain injury. we will have to go & have our pre-surgery consults. probably, go to levine & have typing done. that is where they do a pick line & type her blood. so they can order her blood type for the surgery. not sure what else we will need to do but i am sure we will hear in the next few weeks.

some days are semi-normal. we go about our day & just do stuff. but some days are not normal. we can not sleep, fuss at the big kids, stress about the running or the bumps or boo-boo's that could happen. we think of the 7 minutes we waited for the ambulance, watching our girl struggle to breathe. her body limp. we remember the days, unending days & nights of wandering not knowing of the future. all the bad creeps in and saturates our mood & minds. but what glorious presence was there with us. we still read psalms each day. we read them to lc during the worst & best. they are boldly praising God but honest about pain & struggle. we are real, facing & living something we never imagined or expected. we have always trusted & felt that peace that only God can bring. well He is bringing it. in a big way. we are so ready for august 25th.

our little busy hard head will finally have a hard head, literally!

so bring it on!

ps-my mullet is really growing out & dr. matthews says he will try to only shave the incision site. so i might not have my head shaved again. we will see? although, if anyone can wear the billy ray it is me.

love, libby claire :)

castor oil & chalk

2010-06-18T07:12:00.009-04:00

~this picture was taken in the hospital waiting room yesterday~

"i have set the Lord before me always.because He is at my right hand, i will not be shaken."

psalm 16:8

i have taken castor oil, chugged it down with some orange juice. libby claire was making me so uncomfortable when i was pregnant & she was due! come out you stubborn little thing. it did the trick. she was born that very night...well, early, early the next morning. i have never taken castor oil before libs & never again. yuck!

tuesday we had an appointment with dr. matthews, cranio-facial specialist. we had all the kids in tow & everyone loved meeting dr. matthews. the boys learned some pressure points & some kind of muscle thingy. they all loved him! he affirmed our worst thoughts. he had been hopeful & thinking that her skull could grow back by itself. but upon exam he felt that there was no growth & still no protection for her brain. leaving her unsafe from normal falls, bumps or anything hitting her head. her brain exposed with little protection. we will make sure to keep her safe & up the helmet usage. he then began to go into all his thoughts on surgeries, ideas. one, she is too small to bone graft from her hip, back, pelvis area. not such a large area. he thought originally just to fill in he could but the missing piece is expansive. then he was thinking of removing the entire back of her skull & placing it in the front, but it could be resorbed & then there will be the majority of her skull missing. so on to our solution.
in march a research doctor in conneticut was messing around & discovered a mixture when mixed together, becomes pasty, then sets hard. while releasing carbon dioxide leaving the cast porous. so blood can flow through. hard as bone! he has found a prosthetic bone material-made with castor oil & chalk! KRYPTONITE is the name of it. now, we could not imagine a better name for something being placed in our pips head. she is SUPERGIRL~ he is the only doctor doing this surgery. so far there have been 8 patients in the world. one being a 3 year old boy from haiti having the same cranial defect libs has. it is new, no 1 year out results or scans. no answers for what a lifetime will be like with this in a skull. our only option. the only other is to leave her unprotected wearing a helmet permanently, until she gets big enough to do a graft.
yesterday we go checked in to CMC for a brain ultrasound. they thought of doing it while she was sedated but gave it a try first without the meds. she did great, completely still. we got to see some scans of her brain, but didn't know how to read them. dr.mclanahan wants to check to see if she has any brain injury & where it is located. we are hoping to get a call sometime today with the results.

dr. matthews will be in france teaching until the end of july. we will make an appointment to see him when he gets back & decide on a surgery date. well, 2 more surgery dates. once the skull piece is molded & put in place he will need to let it set for 7-10 days then go back in and shave it down & polish it up. smooth like her real bone would be. at first we were not really stoked about this being NEW, all the NEWNESS, & being experimental we were not crazy about. but we came home & poured over the pages & research on the internet. we are going with the kryptonite.

when i guzzled down that castor oil i new that hopefully i would go into labor. even if my stomach would be killing me. i was ready to meet our precious girl. it was worth it. never knowing that same oil would one day be used to build a bone in place of her skull. wow!

how thankful we are for those research doctors who mess around & our doctor who is a true artist. forming, molding, creating our daughters new skull. mostly, grateful to our loving, merciful Father. who sent the dust & the oil of the earth.

she's scrappy!

2010-06-13T13:32:00.009-04:00

matt was in class all weekend & last night was sermon prep night & so i had some time by myself, once all the kiddos had gone to bed. i have a birthday scrapbook for the kids. each child's birthday has a page. love the creative outlet of scrapping but i am not going to kid myself i have no time to pour into the pages the way i would love. so a birthday album it is. that way 5 times a year i sit & put together a page devoted to that child, that year. it lives in the cabinet in our bedroom. along side is a hot pink big scrapbook matt's sister gave libby claire for her second birthday. for me to one day fill the pages of her journey. the pages are stark white...only a few filled with well wishes & blessings from those who celebrated her 2nd birthday with us. i pulled it out & flipped through the blank pages. i have packed everything away. not ready to go through them, yet.

upstairs in the playroom closet are boxes of everything that we kept from last summer. all the cards, letters, prayer blankets, crosses, ornaments, t shirts, magnets, prayer boxes, hospital cards, hospital bracelets, our libby claires hair, a diaper, newspapers from all over telling of the libby claire story, a bag i still can't unpack, business cards, referrals, pictures, lists of medicines, anything & everything from that time in our lives is upstairs. packaged away perfectly.

as is opened each box, it all fell upon me. the mix of emotions flooded again. letter after letter, prayer after prayer, cross after cross...it all came back.

i have not been able to fill those blank pages. her journey is not over. she is not complete yet. her bone that was placed back in september completely absorbed. we saw dr.mclanahan last tuesday. he says she is "looking good." we are not sure what her neuroplasticity will be. basically, that is when the healthy brain assumes the injured brain functions. more therapy is added to our week. we are going in the next few weeks for a new helmet. tuesday we will meet with the therapist to add to her ISP, physical therapy. she has started to turn her toes inward, even tripping over them. this wednesday she will have an appointment with dr.matthews, her craniofacial "bone" doctor. hopefully, to see if the vit D is helping the skull bone to re-grow. then thursday we will be off to levine children's hospital for a brain ultra-sound. the scheduler asked if she needed sedation during the process. she obviously doesn't know libby claire. so we will try without sedation & pray that she will sit still. all other times matt has been able to be laying across her, snuggling with her to keep her calm. i don't think he can go back this time. hopefully, with this scan we will know a little bit more of her brain injury or lack there of!

we are asking for more prayer, relentless prayer, petition our Lord again on behalf of our daughter. in Jesus name:

pray for her bone to regrow, strong & hard...layer by layer

pray for her brain to be healing

pray for her neuroplasticity

pray for her therapies

pray for her speech

pray for all her doctors

pray for the vit D to help

pray for her safety (with the skull bone missing, every bump or fall could be devastating)

one letter i came across i remember made us laugh when we were at all children's. someone said "libby claire can do this if anyone can...she is scrappy." well she is. seemed fitting since i was digging through the boxes wanted to get organized to start this scrapbook journey. i have the hot pink scrapbook out now. i am going to scrap away, remembering it all. as i cut, paste, color & create each page. i am going to pray over every page. i will pray abounding blessings for each person who gave of themselves for libby claire & our family, each prayer, cross, prayer blanket, letter, card, meal, vigil, picture, everyone.

i am ready for the pages to be filled with the wonderful miracle of our libby claire.

john 14: 13-14

i will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. you may ask me for anything in my name, & I WILL DO IT!

the worker man

2010-06-03T14:48:00.004-04:00

watchin' the work-

weeks ago when they started clearing a lot in our cul-de-sac a "worker man" waved to libby claire, who is always on the front porch watching the construction. he was a big guy, middle aged, & had the kindest smile. the one that reveals his heart...from the inside out. he then asked, "how's our girl?" huh? turns out last summer his church had heard of libby claire & had been praying fervently for her & our family. he has been keeping up with her for the last year. the end of last summer my parents were here & the same man was working in the neighborhood & stopped just to check in on our libs.

libby claire loves the worker men. she watches them, waves to them & says "hey" a million times. relentless, until they finally pay attention to her. but not this guy. he is eager to wave, eager to smile. so not the norm! it deeply touches me to know that this man petitioned God, was brought to his knees, pained for our little girl. unreal!

Christ has been revealed to us by so many people. in a world where He is said to be unknown...distant...not the reality...dated...He is not. He is in the worker mans heart. someone totally gave to us. not knowing us or ever meeting our libby claire. that is the nature & heart of our God.

one who deserves to be known...who is close...is the reality...never dated...HE IS!

i think libby claire knows that worker man in some weird way. she reads into his waves & smiles. almost knowing of the prayers, concern & care. two of a kind. as mismatched as the two are. a little 2 year old girl with pig tails & this worker man, just the same in His eyes.

i plan on being just like those 2-
on my knees fervent in prayer for someone else & relentless to show others Christ!

prayers

2010-05-23T16:33:00.002-04:00

will you pray for me?

i had my eyes dilated to check the pressure in my brain last thursday. looks good!
i am having my hearing tested this tuesday at 10:30am
i have grown & my helmet hurts my head & my ears. so i am going to hanger to have them adjust it or maybe make me a new one. i like to wiggle out of my pink helmet!
i am going to see dr. mclanahan on june 8th-he is my brain doctor
i then will make an appointment to go see dr. matthews-he is my skull bone doctor
i have therapy on mondays & wednesdays
i am learning how to talk to tell the world all about me-pray i learn quickly...i have a lot to say!
say a special one for daddy, mama, mac, beau, maggie & finn finn.

THANKS FOR KEEPING UP WITH ME & PRAYING FOR ME!

more updates soon. my mama has been busy playing with us & hasn't written here lately. oh good news, she has a notebook & when God whispers to her heart she writes it down & it is slowly filling up. a book maybe? go mama go!

freckles...

2010-04-14T13:55:00.012-04:00

jeremiah 1:5

today is libby claire's favorite nurse matts birthday. i have written about what an awesome person matt is & how he will have a place in our hearts forever. matt never got to see libby claire awake because he not only works the night shift but she was also in a coma while he was at all children's. matt is a traveling PICU nurse & left to be in another hospital before libs was removed from the coma meds. how i wish we would have met him & his sweet amanda (also a PICU nurse) in some other way. he calmed matt & me. as soon as 6:40 would roll around we knew at night that libby claire would be in good hands & he would take wonderful care of her. we are so grateful to all the staff at both hospitals for their delicate care of our baby girl but mostly to nurse matt...even in libby claire's coma she loved him...we could just tell. happy birthday nurse matt. i was reading in the books of acts the other day & thought of matt. jesus healed, calmed fears, guided, taught & loved throughout his ministry. matt mirrored Christ for us at that time in our lives. through matt we felt jesus. thank you matt!

i remember when the swelling got extremely bad. it moved from her head throughout her whole body. libby claire was unrecognizable. it was not only how fluid filled & swollen she was that broke our hearts but the small changes that only mama & daddy would notice. there are these two teeny tiny freckles on pips left knee. they had completely moved to the other side of her leg & up some during the time of all the swelling. she had changed, in the biggest & smallest of ways. we knew where those freckles belonged & needed to be. when we pointed it out to one of the doctors she said "wow, how could you notice something so small.?" my answer was " i am her mother...i know every square inch."

i was up last night around 4 am thinking & couldn't get back to sleep after feeding finn. my mind began to remember her little body...those little freckles. then i began to think of our Father & the many scriptures written about His love & how He knows us so well. before we were even born God knew of us. He knows the number of hairs on our head...the tiny freckles on our knee. what hope i take from that. how those scripture verses heal my heart & comfort me. just like i know every little part of libby claire as her mother He knows so much more. to think i love our baby girl so much & know her so well & He does EVEN more than i. that baffles me. it is amazing being a parent. the love of christ is a little bit easier to understand & relate to but still seems to overwhelm me.

i am thankful to our savior for knowing where our little teeny tiny freckles are & should be, even when they are moved out of place a bit. thank you jesus for your holiness, acts of mercy & healing, teachings, love & grace. i am grateful for your people who displayed you to us.

we did not take any pictures of libby claire when she was at her worst. this was taken much later. matt & i rememer the reason we took this picture was because she looked so great to us. most of the swelling had gone down & she was ours again. now looking back my heart hurts to think that this looked great! whew...what a miracle...look where she is now! :)

muddy socks, boo boos & a pabbie

2010-04-07T13:12:00.011-04:00

in the middle of spring break...

all is right with the world.

the boys have found a huge mud puddle somewhere off deep in the woods. they take off on their bikes & come home hours later covered with mud from head to toe. how great is that! not for me. i find myself on the verge of a major anxiety attack. bad thoughts, images, fear all creep in to what should be moments of mothering bliss, knowing our boys are off doing "boy stuff." the same happens when maggie is at a friends house, libby claire is upstairs being a little too quiet, or finn (who now rolls over already!) is sleeping soundly in his crib. i worry & begin to panic about all the "what ifs." i work myself up & almost get sick. what in the world? i struggle to clear my mind & get busy to keep me from thinking. most nights i am up checking on the kids or just making sure they are breathing. i remember doing this a little before last july but now it overwhelms me. i almost never let our kids play at a friends house, i constantly am behind them warding off any threat of an injury. i feel as though it is getting worse as time goes on. my poor children. i wish it would stop, my mind reels & i end up in a sweat...just thinking, over and over.

monday was our meeting with "ashie" libby claire's therapist & her new speech pathologist miss barb. after a lot of paperwork & chatting we are on a plan. thankfully mima was there that afternoon & pushed me to make the changes that needed to be made. all sippy cups are now in the trash, a pabbie is tied to the door knob & we have 2 put away to be used at bedtime & nap. all leftover pabbies are thrown away. we are ready to begin to strengthen libs tongue and pallet & so she can form more words. why a pabbie tied to a door knob? well, during the day instead of running around playing with a pabbie she will have to go to the door & suck on it. the string is not long enough for her to sit...she will stand. after a minute she realizes what she is missing & leaves the pabbie behind. hopefully, she will wean herself from the pabbie during the day & only have one at night & nap.

we have a hunormous book of signing AMERICAN SIGN. it seems like a lot. we have worked on her name, and a few other signs. she doesn't seem to interested...at all! we are planning on her adding words to her vocab each day. i have begun to cut out & take pictures of her favorite things. i cut the picture of her fruit snacks out, granola bars, bananas, books, some of the things she loves. miss barb is going to make a communication board for libs. she will have to go to the board get the picture of what she wants & bring it to us. therefor, communicating a need...not just signing more & grunting. she is very strong-willed & stubborn, so we will see how this goes.

her speech will be 1 hour a week. ashie & miss barb are so wonderful. both love libby claire & are committed to getting her where she needs to be. what a blessing!

all counselors & chaplains we worked with in the hospitals said i needed to write since i couldn't talk about ALL that goes on. so i find myself here, open...just writing. libby claire got a boo-boo on her head on sunday. we found ourselves in tears in the car on the way to easter lunch. each bump or scratch completely freaks us out. i wish we could move on. all our children can not live under our wings forever. i want to protect them just as i did before but not be so overwhelmed. i can't let go. i am just wanting the fear to go away.

our boys are being boys, maggie needs to go & play, libby claire will fall & get hurt, finn might sleep through the night if i could just leave him alone...all is right with the world, can't i accept that and move on? i am ready to, i want to!

praying these verses will wash over me-cleanse me-free me:

matthew 6: 25-34

philippians 4:6-7

psalm 46

expect something extra

2010-03-29T08:04:00.002-04:00

1 peter 1:3

praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! in his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

i have not driven the kids to school in some time. crawling out of bed after being up all night has been hard. i am so thankful matt can be home early in the morning to run them to school. i have missed that small amount of time because after all the hugs, kisses and our prayer for the day i was able to drive in complete silence & do what is rare around our house...just listen to the quietness.

this morning something extra happened. i felt as though i was getting ready to celebrate new year's. we have never been big about the change from one year to another. i don't know if it just has not been that important to us or that we have had babies every year (it seems) & are just too tired to stay up until midnight-sleep is to luring. i am ready for the new year. as we prepare for this week, holy week, i am preparing for the new year. it is always wild with church services each night of the week, egg hunts, ironing outfits, planting plants, spring cleaning, generally busy. during this crazy time & i am watching the new year unfold before me. how beautiful that we celebrate easter during the spring. the trees are budding, flowers are blooming, the fluorescent pink of the cherry trees. old is passed away & all things made new. (2 cor. 5:17) life is emerging right in front of all of us, just as if we stood in front of the empty tomb. jesus is saying to me happy new year. with the signs of new life, HIS life that paid for me.

last week was full of highs and lows for our family. we mourned the passing of a 3 year old who died suddenly in his sleep, the end of a dear friends marriage not by choice, and our own libby claire had her speech evaluation...which didn't go well. in the midst of all this pain i have watched Christ's presence. He cradled the little life, upheld the one full of sorrow, & revealed His promise over & over to us as parents of libs. last week was a mirror of holy week for us. but i am expecting something extra this new year. as the blooms burst forth so will our new life in this new creation. the tears & pain shared in so many different ways & levels could be a post on it's own but Jesus is saying to all of us...i, so many years ago, gave my life for your sins & i am here ALIVE. i am showing off for you in the beauty of spring. reminding you of new life...my life...your life in ME.

gazing upward at the neon green tree tops i am celebrating my new year...our new year in the resurrected Christ! HAPPY NEW YEAR-EXPECT SOMETHING EXTRA!

libby claire's speech appointment:

she is 14 months behind where she should be (really 17 months, her b-day was wrong on the paperwork)

our plan with the speech pathologist is to teach her sign language & use communication cards. they are like flash cards with pictures to help her communicate what she needs. she will also need help building strength with her mouth & tongue. straws, thick liquids, jello, puddings...

she will also begin speech therapy on mondays.

they feel that with her injury being on the left front part of her brain that the swelling was more significant on the left side and could have delayed or damaged her speech, which is housed in the left side of the brain.

many of you have emailed or asked about her skull. the bone placed in her forehead on sept. 3rd has had significant resorbtion. there is no bone there. she is on vit D & goes to see dr. matthews tuesday march 30th.

(pales in comparison to what we have seen other families go through in the last week.)

2010-02-25T12:50:00.000-05:00

ephesians 4:32

be kind & compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

i found this giant eraser in beau's bookbag the other day. i had to take a picture to remember what he wrote on it. when i asked beau about it, he said that it would be gone soon because he makes a lot of big mistakes & has to use it often. my heart melted-

i want a giant eraser also. mine would have to be enormous. sometimes i fail.

fail as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, mostly as a daughter of the greatest Father ever known. i make many big mistakes when it comes to my daughterhood to Him. i struggle with forgiveness for things that don't matter. when our kiddos argue or don't follow through, forget chores, make careless mistakes on school work or run in the house. if matt forgets silly things or libby claire peels her diaper off, once again, and i have to wash wet sheets, again. when i find gum wrappers under the cushions or i wash the capstick or DS game left in someone's pocket. those things drive me crazy. what small issues & mistakes that my loved one's make. i end up getting fed up & tired of the same one's repeated over & over.

when i saw the eraser & talked with beau it seemed that in that simple chunk of rubber with my precious beau's misspelled handwriting God was once again repeating His forgiveness to me. how quickly i judge, punish or fuss over the small things. if i only saw my big mistakes though His eyes & knew how quick He was to forgive me. His eraser is bigger than i can imagine & never runs out or gets used up. how badly i hurt His heart when i can't forgive. i am going from this day forward to extend the forgiveness i was given by the life of my Jesus. no longer will the small mistakes i hold onto mean so much.

i am using that giant eraser & know it will be gone very quickly & a new one will be needed for all my REALY BIG MISTAKES- & for the REALY BIG MISTAKES of others.

forgiveness is so simple an 8 year old explained it in a way i will not soon forget.

geat expectations-met!

2010-02-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

james finley mcgarity

"finn"

1/29/10

so you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him. matthew 24: 43-44

the miracle conception, pregnancy & birth are amazing to me. only ordained & created by God-my relationship to our Father became so much more when i gave birth to our first child. all aspects baffled me, the creation, the whole process & then to fall so deeply in love with this little one you have only know for seconds. the love of a parent.

matt & i talked about the "waiting" on finn to be born as my due date creeped up on us. he compared it to the waiting on Christ to come back. how true that is. can you imagine if everyday we lived as though He was coming back. how different we would act, talk, live. as we prepared for our newest son we became ready to meet him. we decorated the nursery, bought diapers, planned our lives with him in mind. we spent months falling in love, reading about new babies, talking to our older children, going to the doctor, everything needed to be fully ready when he was born.

the waiting game-

as the last few weeks of my pregnancy slowly passed. we found ourselves packing our hospital bags, washing onsies and thinking each night as we went to bed "this could be the night." and then each morning waking saying "this could be the day." matt had his phone on at all times, i didn't venture to far from home- we were truly on alert. READY & waiting.

i am now preparing for my new waiting game. i am going to be ready. like the virgins with oil (matt 25) i have never correlated the two. waiting on the birth of our children to waiting on Christ to come back. now i look at it differently. i am preparing & planning that day. for i do not know when that day will be. i am going to set my life ready & waiting for His return.

if i only spent as much time yearning to meet our King as i did wanting to meet our son, wow! i had such great expectations of what our precious son would be like-great expectation met!

i now live in great expectation not of a son but a Father! planning & preparing for that great expectation to be met!

pink helmet head

2010-01-17T14:45:00.000-05:00

helmet head- sometimes our own kiddos call their sister names, meant in the most loving way, i am sure. well, friday we loaded everyone up (thanks to the teacher work day) & headed to hanger prosthetics & othtotics in charlotte. libby claire had a appointment with her neuro last week & they feel like with SO much bone resorption that she needs a more permanent helmet & something custom & harder plastic. it was really cool how they fit kids that need helmets now with technology. she wore a little mesh hat/wrap over her head & then they attached a black cable & box with velcro to the top. a laser was swiped over the entire skull & her image came up on the computer screen...a perfect little libby claire head. i am so glad it worked & we only did it once, she has to sit still & for libby claire that is impossible. the laser is much better than the cast they would have had to make with plaster if we needed this a few years ago. we go back in 7-10 days to do a final fitting & she will have a brand new custom pink libby claire forehead helmet.

when we drove to the appointment i ended up driving so matt could prepare for a funeral he had to do on saturday. on 77 i hit a pair of pliers or some sort of tool, it was in the middle of the road. matt gave me a hard time...we were all on edge. i ended up crying the whole way there. not because i ran over the tool but because i am so tired. i am tired of doctors, appointments, follow-ups, phone scheduling, multiple visits, between libby claire & myself we are good for at least 2 to 3 appointments a week. the waiting rooms, endless snacks & books needed to be packed, wrestling with libs just to behave for 2 minutes while they at least check her head. it is a lot & i am tired. i don't want for our baby girl to be wearing some hard helmet. different than every other 2 year old. i want her to be "normal," back the way she was. i want to drop her off at preschool & enjoy my 3 hours, not worry. or let her climb up the stairs or walk around the house without listening for each little thud or bump. i want it all the be different.

I was needing to be "run over", just like those pliers.

i had gotten so bogged down in just thinking how great things would be or easy our week would go if we didn't have appointments & therapy. i had lost sight. HIS sight. i rode to charlotte there & back, pitiful. i had totally put myself in a hole. He had carried us so far, healed us, loved us, comforted us, spoke to us. had i really gotten so far from "the miracle" that i lost all that? i had to reaffirm, our libby claire WAS STILL HERE, she was walking...running more like it, talking, eating, busy, hugging, smiling, kissing, playing, SHE WAS HERE! run me over with that!

how many times in life have we gotten in that hole. all full of pity & just need to be run over & then reaffirm who we are & who we belong to. to remind ourselves all the miracles in our own lives small or big. each day whether filled with appointments or disappointments they are ours...a gift to live. i am going on with spirit of joy not pity that all this has happened & all the dates on the calender are steps in our walk, HER walk & i am so grateful i get to walk them with HER...following HIM!!!!

jellyfish & vitamin d

2010-01-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

i will praise you , Lord, with all my heart; i will tell of all your wonders.

i will be glad & rejoice in you; i will sing praise to your name, Most High.

psalm 9: 1-2

we had pips doctor matthews appointment this morning. i don't think matt & i have ever had sweaty pits like we did going into his office. yuck! we were on pins & needles. this was d-day...determining day. will our girl need bone grafting surgery or what will the next step be?

i could not imagine another date on the calendar, more 6 am check-ins, IVs, scars, medicines, pain, pacing the waiting room floor, trying to smile & make conversation but really wanting to be somewhere...anywhere else. then the "what if." what if i have our little finn before the surgery,or worse, during. i couldn't have a newborn, be there for recovery for our other baby...the list went on & on. matt & i have had a lot of sleepless nights heading up to today.

well, the first 2 lines of psalm 9 were on my lips as i drove away from the doctor visit today. dr.matthews is going to give libby claire a year, yes...a solid year to regenerate her bone. she will stay on her vitamin d & we will need to protect her skull, brain & head but NO SURGERY right now. he feels her bone might be regenerating on its own. only time will tell. we are more than willing to wait.

we thought she might need to be fitted for a more permanent helmet but dr. matthews thinks that the one (a blue hockey looking helmet) she has will be fine. she will need to wear it at preschool, church nursery and any other time matt & i can not be on top of her watching every move. for the most part at home she does not wear it. i look forward to the day when i can put our little girl down for nap & not worry myself into a panic that she might fall out of her bed, or bump her head on the headboard or get up & play around & fall without me being right there.

thank you for all the prayers lifted in our precious girls name. we covet those & believe fully that our Lord has a plan & purpose for this & we have watched it unfold in front of our eyes so far & will continue to do so. i have a grapevine wreath in our kitchen. every time i look at it i am reminded that the body of believers is like my grapevine wreath. all tangled, wrapped, intertwined but woven together in a beautiful circle. a continuous circle. we are grateful to you & cherish you more than you know.

now, back to our lives. we will have dr.mclanahan next week, her neuro-surgeon, then my doctor, then beau & mags will get the 2nd dose of H1N1. all the while waiting for our newest little one. libby claire has gotten some funny nicknames & we have gotten some weird questions from people during this. as of now, she has a kickin' mullet...which we now pronounce mulle', sounds french & much better than the billy ray classic. for everyone who wants to touch her head & asks how it feels, matt said it best this morning, she has a jellyfish head. it feels like a jellyfish, really!

i hope psalm 9 will be on your lips today & you will rejoice in your heart!

scrub n' scoot

2009-12-14T13:59:00.000-05:00

on wednesdays in lake wylie the scrub n' scoot offers free car washes from 12-3 pm. you better believe that i am loading up our crew & heading to the car wash. not only is it free but our kiddos love the car wash. maggie especially loves it if they have rainbow soap. the streaks of color all fade and drip together as they clean. the bubbles cover each window & for a moment you feel like you are in an igloo or under a blanket of rainbow colored snow.hidden & protected from the outside. libby claire squeals when the first spray of water comes by her window. she likes the water but is still so unsure of the loud pounding of the water & darkness of the scrubbers. with each pass of the water she becomes more confidant that she will not get wet. mac & beau sit unfazed looking at the mechanics of the car wash & tally up the drips that come from the weather stripping in the back, back seat. everyone enjoys the air drying part of the car wash. we watch as all the water streams off of the hood, down the glass, and off the car. the streaks they leave behind disappear & we leave with a squeaky clean outside of the car.

we are all like our children when they go through the car wash. some are like my maggie. just looking forward to the rainbow of colors that they see. the beauty as the suds run together. being completely covered & hidden by the blanket of soap. there is such security in that place. just observing the colors & then kept dry from the water. what a perfect place to be...soaking it all in. most are like our libby claire. so excited & ready to roll into the car wash until the first sounds of water & the pounding of the scrubbers. terrified to get drenched. even as the sprays of waters pass by her window she is so unsure, until finally she realizes she is dry. protected by a thin sheet of glass that separates her from the cold & dampness. then she can squeal with delight. even some are like my boys. only interested in the mechanics. letting the beauty of the soap color pass them by. the way it melts together, mixing & blending. there is also no fear of the water. the only interest is in something trivial...the leaks. but the best part is that we can all enjoy that it is free. we just have to load up & go. ready & willing.

accept the free gift born for you on christmas. plan to enjoy the rainbow soap. the security of wrapping yourself in the blanket of suds, hidden from the world. even if the pounding is loud & the water wet. you will remain dry. yes, the mechanics are neat & always fun to watch work but don't let them occupy your experience. slow down & listen to the rushing water cleansing us. plan to watch the colors of the soap & prepare to be blown dry. all the streaks gone, nothing left. no dirt, no suds, no water.

wednesday will be here again & i will go to the carwash. the experience my children have there will remind me of who we all are. a little of each one is in us. we all look at it differently but the best part is it is free. we just go & get scrubbed up & cleaned up. just as He has offered to us. the complete washing...just slow down, accept it, it is truly free!

"times is tough!"

2009-12-02T13:24:00.000-05:00

i saw a man on the side of the road the other day with a cardboard sign that said,

"$$$ times is tough $$$"

i was checking out at the grocery store this week & felt so guilty for taking so much time. there were a few people behind me in line. one lady with 2 items, coffee & bananas...a man behind her with a small hand basket full...then a mama & baby with a cart slightly full. here i was with a honkin' full cart, a red notebook full of coupons (that i had to go through), a rain check for a sale item, & on top of that i was going to write a check. when i pulled out the check book the lady behind me sighed out loud. the nerve, never have i wanted to spill my guts & slap someone like i did that afternoon. if she only knew...

matt came home to watch all our kiddos & so i could finally go grocery shopping without the distraction of a cart full of kids, coupons, food & then make it to check out only to be bombarded by the candy shelves & 4 screaming kids.
i drive to my parents house to dig through recycle bin to get their sunday paper coupons. followed by 3 separate online grocery coupon sites...our printer is almost out of black ink b/c we print so many.
i meal plan & only buy meats on sale...we now have red meat once a month & chicken once a week, leftovers, soups, casseroles, and creative meals go a long way now.
the shear volume of milk, apple juice, paper towels, toilet paper, cereal, cheese, yogurt, and fruit consumed makes my head spin.
on top of the need of a bigger vehicle, not new, just larger...a folder of medical bills 4 inches thick, now starting our 2nd one...the holidays...a new baby in 8 weeks or so...seminary...and one salary for 6 to share.

she better be glad the fact that i saw the pilot front page reading "PASTORS WIFE ARRESTED WHILE GROCERY SHOPPING!" and contained myself.

this christmas will be very different at our household. we have always done 3 gifts for our children & focused all of the attention toward Christs birth. acts 20:35 they knew the truth about santa, we never got into the holiday craze. but each year was full of the fresh tree smell, trips to lowe's & target for new decorations, ornaments, candles, maggie's PINK tree, the boys little tree in their bedroom, new clothes for the holiday, sweets & treats, eating out...it was a still a season of indulgence. even when we were so purposeful to make it NOT. as our family grows some things are needing to change & have not. the famous saying, "the buck stops here" well that is my new saying. i am making some adjustments. i have never had to live on a pastors salary with 5 kids but now i do. i have now accepted gone are the days of spending money that had no place to go. we are bare bones. no cable t.v., no newspaper, purchases made only with a coupon to go with, no live tree or wreath this year, major limit to the 3 gift spending, coffee creamer is now a luxury item...how our lives have changed.

i can't even believe that i am saying this but i am so thankful for the bottom line of our checkbook. not for the stress about medical & surgery bills, insurance claims, medicaid denial, disability applications, seminary costs, and everyday household bills. but grateful that i have reached another state of brokenness. there are many verses about money & finances in the bible & all have baffled me. because we have always just had, had enough & had plenty. i am thankful the past 5 months have taught me more. more of life, family, Christ, money, relationships, submission, gratitude, joy, simpleness. we are good stewards of what is entrusted to us but have missed it all somehow.

yes, this holiday season will be very different. yes, bare bones. isn't that the way our King of Kings was born. magnificently simple! now i am baffled that i was sold out to the ways of this world. bigger, better, newer...how sad is that? when i have known forever. i am on a journey to bethlehem the next few weeks. expecting not only a new baby boy in our household but in expectation of the greatest gift of all, the birth of Jesus. even as believers we often miss the glory of this enchanting time.

on my way to bethlehem this year i will be carrying my red notebook full of coupons, telling my children of the amazing gift that has been born unto us, spending each night grateful for our health, wholeness & salvation, gazing at the fake leftover little tree that our kids decorated with pride, cooking meals that still fill our tummies, paying bills that mean i have a home to live in, filing medical statements that have brought new meaning to life to our family, living magnificently simple, & come january matt & i will just ride in separate cars.

and to the lady behind me in the grocery store...i will never let you make me feel angry or guilty again. "the buck stops here."

i am going to admit what not many will admit to "times is tough" but look at what gift we have been given. journey to bethleham this year & accept it.

philippians 4:19