Chasing Serenity

Friday Funny ;-P

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 19:20:00 +0000

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. .I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Part 4: Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 22:01:00 +0000

I honestly thought that maybe I should just scrap this whole thing, delete it and act like it never happened. Then again, this is something I chose to do, and I chose to do it for a reason, so I guess I need to see it through.

Around Christmas I began to notice that Aries seemed down. He had always been a very chilled out pup, besides the fighting, but this was different. He seemed mopey, he still went nuts when I got home, and he was still momma's big boy, but he missed his brother. Even after all that had happened, he missed playing with him and just seeing him everyday I guess. So Christmas eve I called my Ex and asked if he wanted to take Aries for Christmas, he quickly and tearfully said absolutely. He came to pick him up shortly after we got off the phone, and the look on his face when he thanked me crumbled me. I felt so badly for all that had happened, and pretty much just about everything. Though the whole falling apart thing wasn't all my fault, I often blamed myself for everything. I know I shouldn't have, and I also know it did no good for anyone, but the heart is not a rational thing. So because I was in a fairly irrational, guilt-ridden place, I made a decision that hurt like hell, and to be truthful still hurts today. I told him that Aries could stay with him. He said that they had been so happy, and I mean how could I not, I couldn't put my own happiness over my pups. He was my child. He said I could visit anytime. Which I am sure anyone in this type of situation knows it starts out fine at first, and then the awkwardness grows and the amount of visits begins to dwindle. Now this is something I will never forgive myself for, letting the personal feelings get in the way of seeing my buddhas. I want to clarify that I was not worried about the boys being with my ex. He was amazing with the pups, he is the only guy I have ever been with that loved dogs as much as I did. He loved them, and took great care of them. More on this in a bit.

Things between Dusten and I never really clarified. I instinctively knew I had no business even thinking about a relationship, it would be a rebound of the worst kind. I also knew that nothing that started how we would be starting had any hope of going anywhere. Here is where everything gets all screwy. What do you do if someone who you feel did you a huge favor, however misguided you were in asking said favor, asks you to do a huge favor for them. Do you say no, do you say yes, does it depend on the favor?? Well as it turns out in my case I just said yeah. My life was pretty much blown to bits anyway, so a little more fallout probably wouldn't kill me, and it would possibly help unite a child and possible daddy. Let me just interject that there is no favor done for me on this planet that I deserved all the bullshit that happened next. What was the favor? I a sure you have already figured it out. If he was married he would look more stable in the eyes of the court. Getting married after baby wouldn't be real believable, so without knowing a hundred percent if it was even his, we had a shotgun(seriously) wedding at the courthouse. I was never one of those girls who envisioned there wedding from the time they were little girls, but if I had, this wouldn't have come anywhere near what I thought of.

The Wedding:
Oh, what a catastrophe. The day was fubared from the beginning. Nothing was going correctly, I looked like warmed over crap. I have always worried about my weight, even when I weighed 98lbs I still saw an overweight person when I looked in the mirror. I have battled anorexia from the time I was 12, it sucks, and it's not something that goes away. I think about my weight all the time, eating is at times a battle, but I do it because I know it isn't just me I hurt when I give in to the crazy voice in my head that tells me over and over, everyday, what a fat-ass I am. So this day in particular was not my best "look in the mirror and love my reflection" type of days. So I sucked it up, put on a smile and off we went. The doubts that had already been plaguing me grew louder and louder in my head. This was for sure not a good idea. I reminded myself that he had been a good friend, and had helped me out quite a bit. We pull up, and start the short walk to the courthouse, at this point I am barely keeping it together. Panic and hysteria were bubbling up from my gut, sitting right on the edge of an eruption of epic proportions. I managed to rein it in, kept my jaw clenched and just basically didn't say anything. Let me just say the judges who perform these "ceremonies" do not screw around, she was marrying us if it was the last thing she did. About halfway through his vows, Dusten stumbled over one of the words, big uh oh. That was all it took, the flood gates opened and all of the panic and hysteria I had been feeling came rushing out. I didn't yell, or scream, or run(if only), nope I started to laugh so hard that I was crying. Or perhaps I was laughing and crying, who knows. This judge didn't pause ,didn't give me a second to collect myself(not tat it would have helped mind you), she didn't skip a beat. I did my best to stifle the growing fit of laughter, curbing it to giggles was about the best I could do. Disaster. We came to my turn, the panic grew which in turn caused the giggles to grow in severity. I could barely speak, I couldn't breath, and this woman just kept talking. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and after a losing battle, I said "I can't do this". The entire room filled with a shocked gasp(no one was aware of the terms this marriage had been built on but us), and then absolute silence, except the damn judge! This lady kept on trucking like I hadn't even spoken. I realize what everyone thought I meant, which though it is probably what I should have meant, it actually wasn't. I look over at his extremely panicked mother and try to back pedal, "that's not what I meant, I meant I couldn't breath to talk, I just needed a minute", his mom visibly relaxes and the judge again continues as if someone had pressed play and she wouldn't stop until she reached the end of her tape. And then it was over, and I was........married. Ugh....and fairly disgusted with myself for having gone through with it. Oh well, nothing I could do about it.

Married life was life, but uglier. The little boy was born nine days after our "wedding". Three months later, when the DNA was tested, yes it was his son. That was all good, I was happy for him, in a way, and jealous in others. I felt very alone at this point, so I guess the jealousy was to be expected. The ugliness stemmed from the fact that I had apparently married an alcoholic, who enjoyed nothing more than getting hammered and blaming me for all of the wrong's in his life. Awesome! I so love being a doormat......not! I am generally not the type of person to let you walk on me without having my say in it, so it tended to get heated. Lets just say that I was in hell, and though a small part of me thought that maybe I deserved it, I know now that no one deserves what I dealt with. Stay tuned for Part 5: The Death of Hope

Letters to Serenity

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 16:07:00 +0000

My dearest, beautiful, amazing Serenity. Where has this year gone. It is October now and your 1st birthday is right around the corner. I won't lie and tell you it is all joy that I feel as your birthday approaches, there is also an odd sense of loss. I feel like this year has gone by too fast. You are such a big girl, and as time goes by, you will need mommy less and less. I feel such pride in all that you have accomplished this year, from the first time you lifted your little head and looked at me, to the first time you crawled across the floor. Soon you will be walking, and then there will be potty training. Before I know it you will be wanting to go on dates, and doing everything in your power to give mommy a heart attack. So please don't be too upset with me if I try to hold on to this time for as long as I can. I will ~~probably~~ definitely be over-protective at times, and I know you won't understand at the time, but mommy has been through and seen a lot, and I just want to protect you from the harshness of the world for as long as possible baby girl. Today is Abby's birthday, I know you don't know it yet but you guys are going to be great friends! I wish we lived closer to her and Auntie Christina so you could go to school together, but there will be lots of weekend sleepovers and days together. I love you Baby Girl, you are my heart.

Part 3: Transferrance

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 20:43:00 +0000

We tripped it back to Mi, with as much of my crap as we could fit. I moved back into my old room at Kurt's, and tried to settle back into life. With all of the stuff that had been going on it actually felt really good to just hide out for a bit and not talk to anyone. I hung out with Kurt, we did movie nights and relaxed, I hung out with my other best friend Roger, we got hammered, and in there own way they were both helping me heal. I went and visited my family after about a week of being back. I think it was hardest to face them. I didn't want to see the pity or disappointment in there eyes that I had yet another failed relationship. I guess I don't play well with others, neither did the EX, it was one of the reasons we meshed so well I think. We were both homebodies, but I am getting off topic. I went to see my family, trying really hard not to be apprehensive or act defensive. I pretty much just kept my mouth shut, until my mom walked over and gave me a big hug, and said she was sorry. I don't think she realized at the time, but I had needed to hear that for a while. I had been feeling like the whole thing was my fault and to be truthful I felt pretty worthless.I couldn't understand why I seemed to have an almost subconscious need to sabotage my life when it was going good. It is amazing what a little family time can do for you, I left feeling much better than I had when I arrived. I felt like a little of the weight had lifted off my chest and I was able to breath. I drove home feeling like maybe there was some hope in my life. It was nice.
On a side note, from here on I had written already, poured my soul into it in fact. My computer decided to have a conveniently timed crash, and the only part that saved was the first paragraph. Needless to say I am not happy.

Over the next several weeks, I worked to get my life back to a normal rhythm. I went out job searching. I must have filled out 100 applications. I needed a job, I am a workaholic, I always have been. Working provides a kind of therapy to me, I don't have time to sit and wallow. I had worked 110 hour work weeks, I always figured the more I worked the less time I had to spend money. So finding a job was number one on my to do list. Come to find out though, with the economy crashing and all, finding a job would be next to impossible.

Dusten, Matty and I kept in close contact after my move back to Michigan, and over those fruitless job hunting weeks my conversations with Dusten became more and more frequent. I began to feel serious confusion about my feelings where Dusten was concerned. Our conversations began to grow more serious, and involve a lot of "feelings" talk. Dusten was in a rough situation, his ex(before she was his ex), cheated on him, and became pregnant right around the time it happened. So "who's the daddy" was a pretty up in the air question. We talked a lot(remember the title of the blog is transference), he vented about everything happening. I was able to talk about all of the conflict I had been a part of for so long, it helped us both. You know what happens to some patients when they start viewing their therapist as their savior, and begin to think they are in love with that person? I believe that is what was happening, not just to me, but both of us. I think we became that person to each other, the one that no matter what, we could count on the other to be there. He told me one night that he had asked her to come home, that he was going to try to work it out, at least until the baby arrived and he could find out if it was his. I tried to tell him that she was fully aware that if she could just get back into his life she was very sure that by the time she had the baby, he would be so in love with it that it wouldn't matter whether it was his. Men are kind of thick so I didn't really expect him to listen, and wasn't at all surprised when he didn't. He gets upset, we get off the phone, he calls back and tells me he is unhappy without me there. He wanted me to come back and live there. Ummm...wait, what now?? Did I miss something. Did he not just get done telling me he had his ex coming back. First, I told him he was selfish to even think it was ok to ask me to live with them, and second I told him I was not a home-wrecker. Then he asked me if it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time, I am not the person to ask about that. I can't keep my own life straight, love life or otherwise.

I went back to visit for a few days, stayed with Matty and Dusten, and somehow a few days turned into like a week and a half. The chemistry between Dusten and I continued to grow, right along with my confusion. I wasn't sure how I felt but I knew it was too soon to be falling for someone else. When my old boss offered me my job in Ft Wayne, I jumped at it. I obviously wasn't finding a job in Michigan. Plus I needed to be in Ft Wayne more, to figure out what was going on. I began commuting again, and always staying at Matty's. Somewhere along the way Dusten decided that maybe having the ex move back wasn't a great idea. He told her that he wanted to wait until he knew if the baby was his, oh she was pissed. I talked with Dusten, wanting to make absolutely sure it didn't have to do with me. He said it didn't, we moved on. My stays in Michigan grew shorter and the bag I brought to Ft Wayne grew larger each time I made the trip. Until gradually I just stopped going back.

The EX and I had a few run-ins, during my stays. One where he busted in to Dusten's place and ripped me a new one. It's funny to think of now, because to be honest I was thinking I should just go back to him. When he showed up so angry it scared the crap out of me. I certainly didn't want to go back to more fighting. I panicked and told him I needed time. We didn't see much of each other after that, but anytime we did, the tension was palpable. Needless to say, I avoided him.

Dusten and I hung out anytime we weren't working, sometimes we talked all night, others we just cuddled and watched a movie. It was very relaxing, it was all of the things I missed about how the EX and I used to be. So farther and farther I fell for Dusten. The next little bit of the story is a bit redundant, it is pretty much the same, Dusten and I would go out, we watched movies, went out, watched movies, etc....... So I will skip ahead a bit. I hope you don't mind.

We went to a concert one evening, and had an absolute blast. The whole night was just perfect. As we were leaving the concert, heading for the car, Dusten's phone rang. It was his ex, and she was pissed. They argued on the phone for a while, this was actually becoming a routine. She would call and make some crap up about how the other possible baby's father was threatening her, or that she couldn't live without him. Then we would hear that she was hanging out with the other possibility and telling him the same about Dusten. Pretty much she was just BSing until one of them caved and got back with her, either one, it apparently didn't matter which. Even with all of the things about her I didn't like I still felt bad for her. The situation she had gotten herself into sucked. I didn't understand her, I didn't get how she could be so self righteous when it had been her that had messed up. I would, before it was all said and done. Stay tuned for Part 4: Marriage

The Beginning(Part 2): The Ultimatum

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 02:13:00 +0000

There are some parts of this "story" that are harder to write than others, and the next few are going to be the hardest I think. There is so much emotion involved, the decisions I made...that we both made actually caused so much more pain than either of us could have possibly seen.

We were very close to our 6 year mark when it all went to hell. I can't clearly remember the exact wording of the ultimatum he gave me, it has been about 6 years since this happened, but I know that I stopped breathing for a minute. It was basically "this is what's going to happen, or you can just leave". I have selective hearing apparently, and the fact that things had been so hard didn't help, so what I heard was "Just Leave". So, I did. The next day I called some friends. I had become pretty tight with the manager, Matty, and D.J.,Dusten, at the club I worked at, and that's who I called because I literally had no one else. My family was 150 miles away, and I didn't talk to anyone often enough to have a "close" enough friend to help me out. I called these guys at around noon, they both had to work but said they would have me out of there before the EX got home from work. So I packed, and cried, and packed, and cried some more. I think my face was puffy for a week after the whole thing. I was devastated, I truly did love this man, even though I think I had emotionally quit long before this final fight. I was upset over the fact that the dogs would be separated, and that I would be separated from one of my babies. Aries was clearly my boy, and River was clearly his, no matter the emotional attachment either one of us had. Around 11 that night I got the call I had been both waiting for and dreading all day. The owner(we will call him Dan) of the club I worked at was bringing a van and coming to get me.....I broke down. I didn't want to do this, I didn't want to leave this home, and this little family that had been all I had known for the past 5 years and some change. But I felt like I didn't have a choice, so when the van pulled up I steeled myself and did what I thought I had to. I loaded up all of my belongings, and then went back for my pup. It took several minutes to get him out of the house, as his brother didn't understand why I was taking Aries and not him as well, a first for all of us. He stood at the glass door looking for all the world like I had just kicked him, and I guess in a way I had. Tears having already started rolling down my face while loading up my stuff, I began to full on sob. Deep, body-racking sobs. I couldn't stop. I couldn't get it together. I just stood at that glass door, staring at my beautiful boy, bawling and apologizing over and over again. Dan walked over and helped get me and Aries into the car, never saying a word, just allowing me to have my break down in silence. I can't tell you how much it helped that he didn't try to tell me that it was all going to be ok, or some equally generic sentiment. While I realize people mean well, and I do appreciate that they care, hearing that doesn't help because it's not going to be ok. I felt like everything had just blown up and nothing was ever going to be ok again.

I am not very good at being emotional with an audience, so I did my best to calm down. When I couldn't shut the tears down completely I kept my face turned to the window, crying as quietly as possible. There was no music playing, and really the only noise was that of the car and the occasional of me trying to breathe. The breathing was difficult, I really think when you are trying to cry quietly it is that much harder to catch your breathe, I guess it helped to calm me a bit by keeping me so focused on breathing without sobbing. After what seemed like an eternity we pulled up to the house I would at least for a short time be calling home. I was slow to unload. I felt badly for keeping Dan from whatever it was he needed to do, but also knowing that once we were done I would be left alone with my thoughts. Just thinking about it was making me nauseous, and driving me precariously close to losing it again. As if he could hear my thoughts, Matty chose that moment to call. He told me he knew I probably wasn't feeling up to coming out, but if I didn't want to be by myself Dan would drop me at the club. I think maybe Dan called them and let them know I wasn't holding it together very well, but he never said anything about it to me, the man was a saint that night. In hindsight I'm not sure mixing alcohol with my current state of mind was such a good idea but at the time a big, strong drink sounded like the greatest thing on the planet.

So I went, I hung out in the little room that was set up off the main club, and I drank, and yes cried. It wasn't the blown, whole body cry. This was the desolate, what have I done type of cry. The kind where unless you are right on top of the person, you don't even really notice. That was a blessing, I really couldn't have handled all of the concerned looks and questions. I sat in my little corner, and proceeded to get hammered. Every once in a while Matty or Dusten would stop over and hug me or pat my back, with silent support, and quiet we're here for you's. I didn't really hear them, I think I was in shock to be truthful.

After I had drank enough alcohol to get an army drunk, I layed down on the cushy couch I had been sitting on, and passed out. Matty and Dusten woke me after all of the clean-up was done and the money had been counted, time to go home. Mind you I was fairly inebriated by this point, I think everyone was pretty proud of the fact that I hadn't up to then made any kind of scene. That was all about to change. With my emotional state, and the amount of liquor I had been drinking, when Matty said home I fell apart. It all gets fuzzy after that, but I have been told that I just kept saying things like "I will never go home again" and sobbing. How embarrassing, I mean really, I had to work with these people. Ugh....I still shudder when I think about it. Eventually I got it together and we left the club, made it home, I snuggled up with my pup and passed out. When I woke up, not only did I still feel like I had a knife through my heart, but I was hungover to boot. Brilliant....absolutely brilliant.

For the next week I operated on auto-pilot, I went through the motions of life but stayed very distant from it all. I stayed emotionless, only able to function if I kept myself in an emotional cocoon. I didn't understand how he could just let me leave and not call. I had been terrified that when he got home and found me gone he would hunt me down, but that was also what I wanted most in the world. I wanted him to show up at my work and tell me he couldn't be without me, that he wanted me to come home. Naive, I know, it very rarely ever works out that way. I imagine I was just having a hard time accepting that it was over. Monday passed, Tuesday came and went. Wednesday I picked up an extra shift, still not wanting to be alone, it was terrible when the club was slow because all I had to do was sit and stare at the phone. I guess the old adage about the watched pot never boiling is true, because I tell you 6 days of watching that phone did not make it ring. Thursday passed into Friday, and we actually had decent business. I was just headed back up to the bar after dropping a round of drinks when Matty hollered that I had a phone call. My heart literally fell to my stomach, and I began to shake. I was terrified. I thought he was going to scream and yell, and curse me out. I just wasn't sure I could handle that. I slowly walked over to the phone that Matty held out to me, feeling as though I were getting ready to grab hold of a snake that was surely going to bite me. A full minute later I managed to reach out, forcing myself to put the phone to my ear, and croak out a hello. What happened next will be burned in my memory for the rest of my days, I honestly believe that I will relive this phone call on my death bed. He didn't scream, he didn't yell, he cried..........umm wait what the hell just happened.

I listened while he cried into the phone, saying all of the things I had wanted to hear that first night, or even the next day. But why did he have to wait a week?? A week that I had spent torturing myself, putting myself through hell. I had cried myself to sleep every night, and woke up feeling like crap because of it. So by the time I received this phone call I was confused, and yes, a little angry. I am not very good with emotion, my own or other peoples, so I as angry as I was feeling I caved. I told him to come get me, and I went home. How could I not, we had been through so much together. When the relationship was still fairly young, I got pregnant. I was terrified to tell him, I thought for sure this would be the end. It wasn't, he was amazing about it, he said he would stand by me no matter what. Sadly, before either of us had time to get used to the idea of a child, or even figure out how we felt about the whole thing, I lost our child..........it took me 2 days just to type that sentence. Again I thought this would be the end for us, but no he stuck by me, and helped nurse me through the whole ordeal.

So yes, I went home. The only problem was things were awkward and scared. He was everywhere I was all the time. I couldn't even take a bath without him sitting outside the tub, not outside the bathroom, I mean he sat on the floor outside of the tub while I took a bath. I started to feel like I was suffocating, and the tingle of a panic attack started inching it's way up, I needed time. With all of the raw emotion still swirling around, things were very tense. I made it all of 2 days before I finally broke, called my best friend Kurt from Michigan to come get me, and prepared to leave. It was his birthday, and yes I realize that I am about 45 kinds of an asshole for that, but the panic had taken over. I was not operating with a full deck by that point, not to mention I hadn't taken my medicine in well over a week. I take Zoloft for several reasons, one being for my anxiety. Before Kurt got there the Ex and I cried, he got down on one knee and proposed. I told him I needed some time to think, packed what little I had grabbed from Matty's when I had come back, and we left. I had been waiting so long for our relationship to move forward, so long for the confirmation that he really did want to spend his life with me as much as I did with him, but it felt desperate. I didn't want to stay and be engaged because he thought it was the only way to keep me. I wanted it to be a happy thing, not something born from fear and desperation.

So much had happened, and little did I know at the time, it was only the beginning. I went home, to Michigan, to try to piece together all that had just happened. I should have stayed with him, I should have married him, or I should have just stayed gone, but I didn't.......................Stay tuned for Part 3: Transference

I apologize for how lengthy this post became, if you made it through, I would like to say thank you. Thank you for braving this journey into my past with me. It is funny how even though it is my story, it is really telling itself, and taking me in directions I had not thought to speak about here.This part was harder to write than the first, and the next will be harder than this one, but I am finding a strange kind of therapy from writing it down and getting it out. I hope you will join me for my next installment, and I promise to try very hard not to write a novel next time. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

The Beginning(Part One): Backstory

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 02:48:00 +0000

There was a time, not so long ago, that I was a responsible adult. I had my own place, two puppies that I loved more than anything, and a job that was tolerable. I had been in the relationship I was in for about 4 years, and though I wasn't always sure where I stood in the relationship, most of the time things were good in our house and I loved him. I had taken a BIG chance, left everything I knew in Michigan, and made the trek to move in with my boyfriend in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. Prior to us moving in together I got a puppy, or I guess a more accurate way of putting it is, I was there when the litter was born and he said I'm yours, like it or not. This pup, Aries, was my child, he was funny and even before he was definitively mine he would follow me everywhere. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without him or he would sit outside the door and yowl until I let him in. My boyfriend also got a pup(River) from the litter, they both lived with me for a while, and then River went to live with his daddy. Aries and I moved to Indiana shortly thereafter. I was so tired of the 3 hour commute. Having only lived with one other guy, like 7 years prior to this, I was terrified, but even with the fear of the unknown I still felt like it was the right move. So off I went, and for a while things went well, we fell into the comfortable rhythm of life together. I can honestly say I truly wish it had stayed that way.

My boys (the pups) had other ideas. The fighting didn't start for a bit, but once it got started it was like a snowball that just kept rolling and getting bigger and bigger. Aries, I admit, was spoiled beyond words. I gave him whatever he wanted, I know that sounds terrible, but he was more than my dog, he was my best friend. My furry, four-legged child. He was laid-back where River was extremely energetic, Aries was content to sleep with me all day where River bounced all over the house. They were different personalities, completely wonderful in their own special ways. There were times when they would play and then go take a dip in their little kiddie pool, getting along great. But as time passed those times grew slimmer and measures had to be taken to keep them from tearing each other up, we loved our boys and I truly don't think we could have gotten rid of either of them, not and not had resentment towards each other. Then again the things we had to do to curtail the fighting wasn't exactly conducive to a healthy relationship. The majority of the time he slept in the bed with River, and I slept on the couch with Aries . It sucked, we had to put a partition up between the living room and hallway.Admittedly Aries was the aggressor most of the time, I was his momma and he didn't share well. All of this stemming from the possessiveness that I believe had taken root long before it actually became visible. It had been just me and him for so long I am just not sure he knew how to adjust. Though knowing the problem and knowing how to fix it are two very different things. Identifying the problem wasn't going to solve my relationship issues, we needed a solution that neither one of us could find. The strain on our relationship, and the lack of intimacy(both physical and emotional), began to take its toll on our relationship. We were a sinking ship, neither of us knowing how to fix the leaky boat that had become our lives.

One evening the fighting had gotten particularly heated one evening. Honestly it wasn't surprising, our fighting had been steadily increasing in volume and severity for months. We had a pattern, we would argue, about the boys or work or any number of other things. Mostly the boys.We would get over it, even if it took a few days, and then we would go back to the beginning. Things would be good again, and would remind us why we were together. So often stress can cause you to forget all of the wonderful things about the person you love, and make you focus on the nit-picky crap. So we would fight, make up, and start over. This fight was different though, it felt different. This time there would be no sorrys, no I love you's, no forgiveness......no going back. This fight would end with an ultimatum. I am still unsure if it was meant that way, or truly a misunderstanding. I wish I had stopped to ponder it at the time, things may be different now. The what-ifs are a killer.......

To be continued...........

Baby Book Bias

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 15:56:00 +0000

Update: A very good friend of mine emailed me this link once she read the post. Apparently I just didn't look hard enough. Here it is for anyone who may be interested, or know anyone who may want this type of thing. I will be ordering one for Baby Girl very soon! http://www.baby-memory-books.com/Single_Mom_Baby_Books_s/148.htm

I have been working on getting Baby Girl's baby book filled out (better late than never, right?). As I flip through the pages I am getting more and more irritated. Why isn't there a baby book for single moms, that don't include all of the daddy crap. Or even a single dad one without the mommy stuff. My brother was a single parent(until he got married) and has had full custody of his son for probably the last seven years, my nephew is nine now.

I know that the "daddy conversation" is inevitable, but does it really have to be thrown in her face?! I mean seriously why should she have to have a constant reminder, why should SHE have to be the one to feel bad because her sperm donor turned out to be a total jackass? She shouldn't. So maybe I will take on a new venture. I think people would be interested. I mean if they are like me, my sperm donor has never even bothered to meet his daughter, so really it is absolutely pointless for me to have "daddy pages". They will never get used. Maybe I can make single parent baby books. Of course that requires time and money, so maybe not. But someone should. They would be a commodity I think.

What do you think?

The newest blog I stalk

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 03:37:00 +0000

I found an amazing new blog to follow. It is written by a very well spoken woman who manages to bring a sense of humor to a subject that in reality is none too funny. Morons!!! I think I can speak for most of the women I know, that we have all at one time or another been taken in by deceptive charm of a moron. I for one have had several run ins with these idiots, I am apparently a glutton for punishment, though I never thought so at the time. Suzie Q writes about her experiences losing herself to her moron, getting away from him, and how she is healing from her time with him. It is absolutely worth a read. Please stop by her blog at I Married A Moron - And Survived! and leave her some ♥love♥. Have a great weekend all!!!!

The Laundry Can Wait

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 03:07:00 +0000

I have been trying to write this post ALL day. My beautiful, wonderful, amazingly stubborn, nap-resistant daughter had other plans, lol. The whole premise of the post was going to be how I need to take more time to write, and that when/if Baby Girl actually does take naps I should not be solely focused on the amount of stuff I can get done in that time. That it's ok to take a mommy time-out sometimes. Writing is very therapeutic, and helps me to deal with the stresses of my life. It gives me an outlet, I am notorious for bottling everything up, letting it sit and rot in my gut. Until I literally just breakdown, and of course it is always the most ridiculously small thing that is the final straw. I have been feeling a bit melancholy and bluesy the past few days. I try very hard to keep my post fairly humorous and upbeat, but I am just not feeling that today. I have a lot of disappointment and even rage that has been building inside me. The only thing that gets me through these moments, is my baby girl. Even when she is being a total crabbers, I just can't help but smile. Her father on the other hand is one of the largest contributors to my anger. I know it isn't only his fault, trust me I am a pro at the whole self-deprecation thing. Seriously though, I haven't seen him since the night I conceived Baby Girl.

I'm not going to go into the whole thing here, I am actually planning a series of posts about the beginning of my new life. I am going to break them up into several because it is a looong story. I will also hopefully feature my first guest blogger! She will be doing a post about her take on becoming the step-mother to a 9-year old, and what it has been like meshing into a "ready-made family".

On a lighter note Baby Girl has been trying out for the crash test derby team all day. After weeks of confident, stable cruising, she has been super wobbly today. I was unaware that you could have so many heart attacks in one day, I swear it has been a whole day of panic. I chase her all day anyway, but today, she would fall and the dreaded soul-crushing cry would closely follow. She never falls when she is standing next to a pile of pillows, oh no, she has to make sure she falls somewhere she is going to conk her head. Every time she fell I would jump towards her just a half second too late, of course, and every time it happens I get that full body shocky tingle reaction. I swear I have had 100 strokes today, and yet here I am ready to do it all over tomorrow. :-P So there is my contribution to the blogosphere, I hope you all are having a great week!!

Stay tuned for The Beginning .................

A letter to my pregnant self by Adriel, The Mommyhood Memos

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 20:41:00 +0000

Ingenue Mom: A letter to my pregnant self

I feel an absolute need to share this with all of my fellow mommies. This is a beautiful post written by Adriel from The Mommyhood Memos, I love her blog anyway, but this post honestly had me tearing up. It is a letter to her pregnant self, and I can honestly say I have felt so many of the things she talks about. I wish I had had the opportunity to read it during my pregnancy. As a single mother, I went through my pregnancy alone, save for my family, and could have really benefited from the I am a great mother mantra she mentions. So please go read this post, it is inspiring! Please leave her some comment ♥ love ♥. She is a fantastically well spoken woman, and author of one of my absolute favorite blogs to read. Plus she puts up gorgeous pictures of her little man, who can resist pictures of an adorable baby. :-) Hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend!!

A Blog with Substance......Who knew :-)

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 21:02:00 +0000

A HUGE Thank You to Dawn over at Mom-a-logues for giving me the Blog with Substance award. I am very surprised and unbelievably honored!!! Please stop over and leave her some ♥ love ♥ . She is a very sweet and funny lady! :-)

*****

There are some rules to this award and I will take them very seriously.

1.) THANK the blogger who awarded it to you. (see above)

2.) Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation and experience using five words.

Free Therapy, Relaxing, Enlightening, Fun, Learning

3.) Pass it on to 10 other blogs you feel have real substance. (I'm not really sure how I am supposed to pick only 10 out of the multitude of amazing blogs, written by equally amazing women, but I will do my best):

The Mommyhood Memos

The Planet Pink

Laundry Hurts My Feelings

Korean American Mommy

Mommyhood: Next Right

Daily Mama Overload

My Bella Baby

Adventures in Vandyland

Bubble Gum On My Shoe

Still On The Verge

It was incredibly hard to pick only ten, and it took me forever to do it, but here they are. Please stop by their blogs. They are some of the funniest women I have never met!! :-P

Where has the time gone......

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 20:00:00 +0000

Can you believe this?? How has it been 10 months already? I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that my little Buddha is going to be a year old in just a few short months. It is absolutely amazing how much has changed since she was born. From the first time I held her, staring down at this beautiful little stranger and wondering how the hell I was going to be able to do this. To now, watching her cruise along the furniture, playing pat-a-cake, and developing into the funniest little person I have ever met. Seeing how smart she is, and how fast she is learning is a great gift. She has opened up my heart, filling a void I wasn't even aware I possessed. So on that note I would love to share some pictures of the most beautiful, amazing little person I have ever seen.

Our first night together :-)

Two weeks old with such beautiful wise eyes

Really mom?! More pictures? LOL

I love this picture!


I miss her being so tiny!

She already has the puppy dog eyes down pat, she is asking to play with my cell phone, haha.

First time on a swing, she had a blast!

The kissy face, lol, it's hilarious!!

Yeah, she's not a camera ham or anything, lol

Yeah, I know I'm cute. :-P

Me and my heart :-)

There she is, the best part of me. :-D Have a wonderful weekend!!

The Mayor of CrabTown

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 04:25:00 +0000

I haven't had time to post in several days, Baby Girl has had a vicious cold and is not at all impressed with it. I feel so bad, she feels cruddy and doesn't know what to do with herself. I have had an extremely impatient, fidgety, fussy 9month old on my hands. Being a single parent with a sick child is awful. She has been mad at me since the first dose of medicine I had to give her, and won't take anything from me now. It's almost like she is afraid I am going to try and sneak more medicine in her mouth. The medicine is a battle, but the nights have been hell.
Three in the morning she wakes up pissed, I bring her in to sleep in my bed. Yeah I know I'm not supposed to but when she is sick I pretty much giver her anything she wants. So I lay her down, she freaks out. I try to giver her the paci, she actually slaps it away in her sleep(see what I mean about being mad with me, lol). I try to nurse her, that goes over for about a minute and then she is back to being super pissed. I know she wants her paci, but she'll be damned if she is going to let my hand get close enough to her mouth to pop it in there. I pick her up and we set to pacing all through the house, doing anything I can to calm her. Nothing doing. So we come back in the bedroom, and I try again to nurse her, nope. I try the paci, no chance. It is now 10 to five in the morning and I am very close to pulling my hair out. My frustration has hit levels it has never seen before, of course I am not frustrated with her. I am frustrated in myself, why can't I calm her down, what am I doing wrong, my poor sick baby is suffering and I can't help. Wow, I really thought I had left the feelings of inadequacy behind with my raging post-pregnancy hormones, but apparently not. So I stop, take a breath and relax, knowing my chaotic brain isn't going to help her feel secure and calm. She is tossing and turning, laying in the most awkward positions possible, and still freaking out. I lay out a plan of attack, sticking my hand out almost all the way to her mouth and pausing, waiting for my opportunity. She flips over onto her back and moves her hands from her face. Finally! In one swift move I pop the paci into her mouth and jerk my hand back as quickly as possible, then I hold my breath. She fidgets for a minute and then I hear nothing but steady breathing. Nothing has ever sounded so good, the amount of relief I felt when I heard that heavy sigh that signals sleep was unbelievable. Just knowing she was comfortable and getting some rest was enough to make my eyes well up a bit. I am becoming such a sap when it comes to her.

So another reason I haven't been on is I am doing a slight overhaul on my blog. I will be hosting(trying to anyway) a daily meme. I hope to provide helpful, fun information, as well as a place to meet new people to follow, and gain some new followers too. I have been working on putting together some topics that I have not seen before, for example I will have "Tip Trade Tuesdays" where all of you wonderful savvy moms can swap tips on cooking, parenting, and finding time for yourselves(something I am not currently very good at), etc.... I will also be doing "Feed Your Soul Friday", I am a single mommy, me time is scarce to say the least. I would like to focus at least one day to taking a break to do something for myself, even if all that means is a hot bubble bath, or reading a few chapters in a book. I will be launching it this Friday, hopefully, and would love to hear what you all do to help you relax and unwind. I do hope to see you all there, and will give more details once I have it set up. :-) I hope you all have a wonderful week!!!!

The evolution of baby food

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 20:56:00 +0000

My daughter has moved up to the stage 3 baby foods, and I am here to tell you, I couldn't be happier. Finally, food that actually smells like food, and not like rotted bananas that they waited until three weeks after they had fermented to puree them into my child's food. I mean seriously, have you smelled baby food bananas??? They smell so gross that I have seriously debated not eating bananas again if that is really what they end up smelling like. She gets so excited for meals now, and when it's really good (like pear cinnamon oatmeal or lasagna), she dances. :-D I am really excited that she is able to eat more and more of what I eat. It has motivated me to really think about what I am eating and to prepare healthier meals. Once I figure out how to post pictures I will begin picture of the day posts. Sometimes it will be of recipes I have tried and hopefully succeeded at making, and other times random pictures of my too funny baby girl. Stay tuned..........;-P

Baby Girl vs. the lasagna :-)

What’s for Dinner: Finger Food Ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 14:18:00 +0000

What’s for Dinner: Finger Food Ideas

For those of you who have begun finger foods but aren't quite sure which ones to try, I found this list. Baby girl has been pretty impressed with almost everything we have tried. I think tomatoes are going to take a little getting used to, lol, the face she made was hilarious!! Not to mention she is not a fan of picking up food that is wet or has a "slimy" feel to it ie: bananas, watermelon, etc.... After she touches it the first time she jerks her hand back and the makes a ridiculously funny scrunchy face, then if her fingers get anywhere near it she acts like she touched something hot, it's one of the funniest things I have seen. Well everyone have a great day, I have to get back to work. :-)

Today's Random Tidbit

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:34:00 +0000

Formula 303 Maximum Strength Natural Muscle Relaxant - 250 tablets for $29.95 and Specials !!!

I don't know about you, but I can absolutely use something to help me relax at times. There are just some days that are so chaotic that I have a hard time shutting my brain up. Not to mention the tight muscles and fybromyalgia pain from carting a 9 month old around all day. Fybromyalgia sucks, I have lived with it for a very long time, but somehow never really get used to how bad it can get. Now though it hurts, sometimes unbearably, I really can't take anything. I can't afford to try to take care of my little girl with a foggy brain. That just isn't ok. So I searched for something natural and talked to my chiropractor about what my options were. He showed me this product one day and told me I should try it. I went into it honestly not expecting much from it, most products turn out to be worthless crap. So the first couple of times I took it, always at night, I tried to keep an open mind. The first time I took it I felt a little bit more relaxed and kind of sleepy. After a few days of using it I noticed that my muscles did feel more relaxed and I was sleeping better. I know this sounds like a testimonial, and it's not, I just really love that I found something that doesn't give me that high feeling and actually works. So that's my random tidbit of the day. :-) Have a great weekend!!

September Blog Hop!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:05:00 +0000

I have some great news to share with you! Come September, I will be participating in a huge blog tour put on by Cynthia Roberts, author of the upcoming romance novel Wind Warrior!

There are some pretty exciting prizes for everyone involved - Cynthia is giving away $600 dollars worth of wonderful items! YOU could win one of five fabulous prizes! There will be something romantic, something succulent, something exquisite, and two others that will offer you lots of choices... Curious? Check out what you could win on the official blog tour giveaway website, here! You can also learn more about how this giveaway will operate.

I'm looking forward to being a part of this great blog tour, and I hope you are, too!

Make Friends Monday!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 21:27:00 +0000

Welcome to Making Friends Monday Blog Hop, hosted by Living on Love and Cents, Mon Cheri, The Thrifty Things, Reviewed By Mom , and Coupons are Great.
Each week we will randomly pick a Spotlight Blog of the Week! To be choosen you must follow the rules and have our button somewhere on your blog. (We have to be able to find it!)
This week's Spotlight of the Week is Mom's Mutterings. The writer of Mom's Mutterings is Pam and she is wonderful! Pam is a mom to two kids, two cats, and two spare kids. She enjoys thrifty living and couponing. She usually writes about the misadventures of her family and shares reviews and giveaways. She can also be found at her other blog, The Thrifty Things.

This week please join us as we discover new blogs and gain new followers every week!
The rules are super simple!
1. Follow the Making Friends Monday Hosts (Listed as # 1-5) as well as the Spotlight Blog of the Week (listed as #6)--They WILL follow you Back!
2. Link up the Making Friends Monday post on your blog.
3. Grab our Making Friends Monday button and include it somewhere on your blog-this can include a simple post.
4. Visit as many blogs as you would like and follow them. Be sure to tell them you are a new follower from Making Friends Monday!
5. Follow back as many followers as you would like from Making Friends Monday. Following back your new friends is appreciated!
Help spread the word and get more followers:
-Put the same linky list code on your blog and you'll have the exact same list!
- Your blog visitors can add their blog to your list and it will show up on all lists!
Don't forget to follow the rules so you have a chance to be the "Spotlight Blog of the Week"!

BizarroBlog

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 21:29:00 +0000

BizarroBlog

This is an extremely funny blog, I found it through a friend and after reading a few posts, I had to become a follower. I imagine it may possibly be slightly offensive to some, but I got a good laugh!!

Kids and the Internet

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:53:00 +0000

I was in the process of getting ready for work today when my sister-in-law came and and told me she had found a video I HAD to watch. Now judging by most of the other vids that we watch I was totally expecting to see something hilarious. Much to my surprise and disappointment the video was one of the saddest things I have ever seen. An 11-year old girl used her webcam to broadcast on youtube a video chock full of foul language and what I can only guess was drug induced idiocy. She spouted to all of the "haters" that they were jealous because she was perfect and so pretty. I will not name names as I truly believe this girl has very effectively just messed up her life without me adding to it. The initial video, that as I said included foul language, her talking about having intercourse with a 26-year old when she was 10(seriously!?!?!?), and how she would put her glock in her haters mouth and make brain slushies, was followed up with two more. The second two videos were so completely different from the first it was almost comical (almost). She was on crying about how all of the haters had ruined her life. Her video had gotten peoples attention, and though I think she wanted the attention, I don't think she had any idea what it was actually going to entail. A hate group hacked her computer, peoples comments on her video posts were fairly brutal and sometimes violent. So the next two videos showed a very different picture, an 11-year old girl who bit off more than she could chew and was not emotionally equipped to deal with the fall-out. I am sure that her father screaming for everyone to leave her alone or he was going to call the police really didn't help the situation.
So here is my question......when is a child old enough to handle the responsibility of having not only a computer in their room but also a webcam and unsupervised internet time?? I can tell you honestly that my daughter will under no circumstances have unrestricted, unsupervised access to the web at that age. Period. Not only are there more sicko's out there than I think nyone can wrap their head around, but also children are children, they need their parents to help guide their moral compass. I mean seriously where was this girls parents, did they not even bother to check on her internet activity. That is a joke! While I think she was responsible for her actions, I also feel sorry for her, a child does not always have the common sense or the thought for how it will impact their future before they make a decision. That is how I feel about it. My daughter will not have a computer in her room for anything but homework and possibly games, but it will not be connected to the net and there will be no internet connection. We as parents have to make decisions that will keep not only our children but our children's futures safe. I apologize for rambling, I just don't understand how things like this are allowed to happen. I hope you all have a wonderful week!!!

Blog link up themes | Mom Loop

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:07:00 +0000

Blog link up themes | Mom Loop

I think this is a fantastic idea!! I am not sure what themes though. Any ideas???

Walmart.com: On The Wild Side Puzzle - Peace on Earth, 1000 Pieces: Games & Game Room

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 22:28:00 +0000

Walmart.com: On The Wild Side Puzzle - Peace on Earth, 1000 Pieces: Games & Game Room

I am so excited to do this puzzle!! We put together a 500 piece Lord of the Rings puzzle last night, it took four of us several hours. Lol I haven't laughed that much or had that much fun in a long time. By the time we put the last piece in I think we were all slap happy and delirious from staring at the tiny pieces for so long. I really think puzzles are a great way of teaching kids patience and helps them fine tune their attention to details. My nephew is almost nine and he loved helping with the puzzle. I wish I had taken a picture of it to share before we destroyed it, next time. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, I am truly looking forward to spending time with my baby girl and the rest of the family. I am going to go pick up another puzzle for tomorrow. :-) They are fun and affordable, that is quality time I can really get in to!

Tips for Traveling with An Infant l Family Travel l BabyZone

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 21:21:00 +0000

Traveling with a baby in the car raises a number of questions. How can you keep Baby safe? What should you pack? Will Baby be comfortable in the car for that long? How can you keep Baby entertained? Here are 12 tips!

View >>

Nursing, Teething, and the Robo-Spider

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 16:18:00 +0000

I haven't had the opportunity to get on this past week, Baby Girl has been crabbers extraordinaire for the past week or so. I took her to the Ped on Friday and she confirmed what I was already thinking. More Teething.....poor baby. I have been checking her gums for the past 2 weeks, I just had a feeling. Yesterday she happened to open her mouth just right for me to see, and sure enough she had a lump on the lower right side, I found one on the left as well, I can only assume these are the cause of her fussiness. At first I panicked a bit because I didn't understand why they were poking so far out, not up, out. They seem to be bothering her pretty badly, I feel terrible. She got her first two bottom teeth last month, and I always thought/heard that after the bottom came the top two and so on. I was wrong.

Nursing a teething child, especially one who is teething and already has teeth, is an exercise in patience to say the least. My poor baby, I hate that I can't do much to take the pain away. I would take on this pain for her in a heartbeat for her if I could, but I have to tell you, the nipple-biting has got to stop! Lol It is ridiculously painful, she gummed on them once or twice, I think it was just an exploratory thing. I pulled back and told her no, not wanting her to get into the habit of biting. I knew then that her teeth weren't far and I definitely wanted to nip that in the bud. Once her two little bottom teeth came in she again did the exploratory "what will happen if..." and I pulled back and told her no. Yeah not so much, she freaked. For the rest of that day she would be nursing, look up at me, and then bite down. It was like she was trying to get a point across. As bad as it hurt I had to bite down to keep from cracking up at what a little devil she just was. I gave her one more chance, she bit me, so I didn't nurse her for the rest of the day. Before I start getting emails about starving my kid, she takes a bottle as well, so that's what we did. After that we made it a week with no biting, and then of course she had to test the boundary again. It has happened a few more times, always with the same result, I stop nursing her and she stops biting for a while. Not a perfect solution but it was the best I could come up with.

On a completely unrelated note, I have got to tell you about this spider I saw the other day. Let me first say, I am absolutely terrified of spiders. Over the years I have managed to calm a little bit. I understand that they are not all poisonous(though that's not the issue), and I have become much more tolerant of the skinny, baby looking ones. On the other hand, when one of the big, spindly, hairy ones comes crawling up I holler like I am on fire and take off. So here is my quandary, I have a kid and apparently the need to protect completely over-rides my self-preservation instincts. We were sitting on the front porch, planting flowers when the mack daddy, or momma I guess I should say, of spiders comes crawling out of the flower bed. I mean this sucker literally dug it's way out of the dirt and started coming my way, I freaked. This thing was not only so hugimongous I had to make up a word to describe it, lol, but it was also carrying this mammoth egg sack on it's back. GROSS!!!!!!! My daughter is playing next to me, and all I can think is if I don't kill it, it's going to get her. Yea, yea over-dramatic I know, phobia is definitely not a rational state of being. Anyway, I did something that I have never been capable of doing. I broke out of the paralyzing state of terror I was in, and beat the shit out of that thing with the little garden shovel I had. OH YEAH, I'm bad!! Once I felt sure that I had killed it, I grabbed Baby Girl and stood up to go inside, tell me I didn't look down and see that spider flip me off before hobbling off into the grass. Lmao...no but seriously, the damn thing wasn't dead. I still can't imagine how it survived. So that was my excitement for the week. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Angel) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 22:03:00 +0000

So the holiday passed with no real drama, thankfully. I don't really know what it is about my family but we somehow never make it through a holiday without at least one person being in a total crap mood. My poor dad is always calm and cool, trying to keep everyone happy and it just never works. I, having inherited my dads temperament(mostly), usually just try to stay out of the way. Sometimes it works, sometimes I end up have to sit and listen to everybody's account of why they are pissed, it's so much fun I would NOT rather be peeling my fingernails off, lol. This fourth of July was really nice actually. My brothers in-laws came up from Pennsylvania and stayed a few days. It is usually super stressfully when people come, the fact that they stayed in a hotel and nobody had to give up their bed probably has something to do with why it wasn't so stressful. They were really nice people and everyone got along wonderfully, it was nice.

As it turns out, baby girl is not a big fan of fireworks, which was expected but still sucked a bit. I missed out on seeing them and more importantly, lighting them. I am a total pyro, lol, it will be more fun when she is a bit older. Not that I am hurrying the process. Anyway I hope you all had a wonderful fourth!! Have a great week!