Cheeky Chatty

Orbital

2012-12-03T20:36:00.000-10:00

Who are you to me that draws us together?
Are you the sun illuminating the sky?
Or are you the moon that gives rest and spotlight at night?
Are you a dwarf planet, pretending to big?
Or are you the belt of asteroids holding the secrets of my existence?
Are you another solar system floating by?
Or are you a dying star expunging objects in a finite time?
I guess to understand you, I have to know me.
And see where we fit...relativity

Unaccompanied

2012-11-25T17:54:00.003-10:00

This weekend a man 12 years my senior and newly divorced told me that he needs to learn from me. For years he has been use to the presence and affection of his wife, and can't stand being without it. Previous in the day, he asked if I have ever spent Thanksgiving alone, and I told him yes and all other holidays as well. Later he asked when was my birthday, and I told him that it was last month and I spent the weekend here with his sister (I didn't feel the need to mention that it was my birthday). Barb expressed how she forgot and felt bad. I told them that it was fine, as I've never really celebrated my birthday as an adult.

Suddenly I was forced to realize my life, in which I expressed the following to John. As a child I never considered myself a people person and relished in being alone. I remember being in the first grade imagining that I was an astronaut in a spaceship all alone exploring the galaxy. Looking through the window of my spaceship, I would focus on distant stars to fall asleep. I was never affectionate (until I had children), but enjoyed the company of others. I never cared what people thought of me, but wanted to make a good impression. Even in my marriage we were tiresome roommates. I told him that not everyone can be alone, and if he is having such a hard time after a year, he needs to start dating.

However, here I am at the age of 31, and for the rest of my life, I am willing to disrobe the nomadic shield, and settle down. More than ever my mind is restless to be restful. As an old friend would day after a night of fun, I'm done. I want to be in love with a home., I want a backyard to lounge in. I want neighbors to know, and I want walls to make collages, and I want animals to roam around. At this age of 31, I've normally felt the age of 60. Just recently I was awakened and have shed the hard years of my life. It was like I jumped off a bridge ending something old and starting anew. Beforehand I had false starts. Now the engine is revved and I'm putting on my shades. In my head Ke$ha says it best in Die Young, but I'll alter it for myself, "Lets make the most of this life, like we're going to die young.

Heart Surgery

2012-11-12T21:15:00.000-10:00

Pulsating...reverberating, into a spot of where something use to be.
Removed by the thought of skewered reality.
It use to beat out blood entrenched with love.
Until it sickened itself and gave completely up.
Misused and overworked for people not there.
The heart can give up after so much wear and tear.

WE Won?

2012-11-06T22:23:00.000-10:00

I get slightly irritated when something major happens for a black person, and then people post things like "we" won. What's with the division talk? Divided enough as we are, how is it winning? Will I get a check in the mail for a black person breaking a barrier? I have yet to receive one. What people here in America fail to realize is that we are one nation. Other countries do not identify us as the United States of Different Races, but as the United States of America. I have yet to read a BBC article outlining the U.S. news by race. Do they do that in South Africa?

What we have to realize is that it is up us to ourselves to build up each other. I can't live comfortably knowing a friend of mine is having hard times. I will offer help and advice, and if they choose to take it...so be it. Also, people here need to realize the resources and opportunities we have and take advantage of them. It's so easy for people from other countries to come over and move upward on the life ladder, because they use the resources provided to them to the full extent. I understand how some may have a hard time due to certain circumstances, but that is never a reason to give up.

While working in DC, I saw the most amazing people go to work, whom others might classify as disabled. Some days it brought tears to my eyes when I was loathing in self pity, and it always motivated me to do more, be more. Also, I understand how it is to be unemployed, because I was there a couple of times, and just attended school when I couldn't find anything (I have yet to earn a degree...currently a work in progress). Currently I'm working in a field I've grown tired of. However, until I can make a smooth transition out, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and strive at it.

Race talk is just tiring. It's 2012, and we should be past this. We can't progress as a nation if we are continuously breaking each other down. I exercised my right to vote yesterday because of the people who paved the way for me to do so. I chose who I chose because of the direction I wanted to see this country go, and I'm just not quite ready to wear a burqa just yet.

Side note....I sleep on a blow up mattress in my living room because I haven't found the right furniture to purchase, but I had the brightest idea tonight which was to make my own for a Moroccan style living room....oh yeah!

Disconnected

2012-10-12T21:51:00.000-10:00

My head is in the clouds
My heart is wondering aimlessly
My soul is stuck in time travel
My words are bouncing everywhere from here to there but not out.

I try to pull and mold myself back to whole, but pieces continue to fall everywhere
I try to use adhesive, but nothing sticks
I try to envision myself as one, but I continue to see orbits

I let alone the parts of me that are all over the place
For whatever reason they came apart, they will regroup again
And I will again be one and balanced.

Age of Reason

2012-09-23T13:52:00.000-10:00

Prior to turning 30, I was constantly in an anxious state afraid that I was on the road to no where, unaware of my purpose in life. As if on queue, a series of events occurred and a more than a year later, I have finally reached a level of understanding. It seems that after doing a lot of what I don't want to do, and being in places I don't want to be, I have finally managed to stand up to my inner avoidance and declare war. Funny thing is that I read somewhere that a Buddhist hell involves dreams of epic battles that doesn't seem winnable. Since middle school those dreams have plagued my mind, and I could never determine what side I was on. Perhaps in my previous life I was stoic to my surroundings, and died regretting achievement of my personal pursuit. Now I seem to live as if any day I will die, refusing to survive and only live.

Just about a week ago, I was in stress mode when I had to list the places I've lived and worked within 10 years. Perhaps I was emotionally homeless, I thought at one time when looking at the 11 compiled addresses. However, I move to where my heart tells me. In fact, most of my hippy decisions come from my inner voice. Even when I think it's wrong, I still listen. I know somewhere there is a lesson. The last time I reluctantly listened, my whole being physically fought with the "bright idea", when I clearly knew better. Don't make me do this, I pleaded and as I refused, it was like my body became ruptured with uncontrollable emotions...and I gave in. Before I knew it I was married, preggo again and swiftly divorced. What was the lesson? Needless to say, I was on the verge of settling in a place I never wanted to be in. By accepting a different path (challenge), I learned to never give up and settle for what I want. I learned to fight for myself and others. That crazy journey helped not only me, but all involved.

Years ago while in high school, I use to stay up all night watching old movies on AMC TV with my mom. Of all the movies I thought, "Taming of the Shrew", starring Elizabeth Taylor was pretty ridiculous. Why should she change her ways for some misogynist guy? Although his tactics were crude, he was able to break her obstinate character, and they found love. The same concept applies to life. It can break you down until you refuse to fall, and help you achieve your goals. It can take you through prototypes of love, until you realize what you need. Along the journey, not only do we help ourselves but each other. Life can not destroy us. Underneath our mushy skin and innards, lies energy that can neither be destroyed nor created, but transferred. More than often I like to channel positive energy in and channel negative energy out. However, I recently realized that procrastination is a form of negative energy, that I have since let go. Not carrying that burden around, has made me feel 10 times lighter and limitless.

Soul Searching

2012-08-22T18:50:00.001-10:00

My soul went on a journey, leaving me in an anxious state. Searching for a cause, which was calling out so great.

Traveling back through time, and then forward through space, until it finally paused upon a found mind, with a surprisingly familiar face.

Is this my true love that cannot be? Calling me from his mind, in a room apart from his family.

My body became calm, and I fell asleep...leaving the souls together for a little while...momentairly.

Mental Block

2012-08-13T19:56:00.001-10:00

Solitude and lonlieness are two separate things. Solitdude means that you have found purpose in your alone time (exempting those in confinement). Lonlieness is mental anxiety. Being alone with yourself...fears and all. Being alone forces you to take a look at your life from the outside in, and the affect is greater if you are beyond your elements.

Here I am, nearing the age of 31, always looking for adventure, and yet have no patience for when and where. Spontaneous decisions that most people take years to plan, but I think of in one month and hastly execute 2 or 3 months later. Chasing sunsets across cities, ridges and valleys. Sleeping in a vehicle with no room to put the seat down, and have swollen feet that can't fit inside shoes. No place to officially call home, and once I do....there isn't anywhere to put my belongings, because I discarded and left everything else as if the state of Maryland was under attack.

As usual, my saving grace is how I'm able to disassociate myself from the situation, and notice the large green trees that cover the land, and the vast water ways that somehow connect to one another, and the magnificent sight of eagles that I'm constantly amazed with (so far it's just been one sighting). Everyday is definitely a new day, and each moment is anticipated for the next. It's been two weeks since I came to sasquatch land, and I'm already thinking of my next destination.

Now that I have finally graduated to acknowledge my solitude, I don't have to spaz out about being alone, and can make conscious decisions. Just this morning, before I took a shower, I noticed the slight mustache above my upper lip. I searched for razors, but was unable to find them. Then my mind decided to visually remind me of how I threw the last unused razors away. It was too late to go to a store, so I had no choice but to tweeze!!! It's a conscious decision because I hadn't noticed my mustache days before, maybe I was to blah to notice or care. Never again I can assure you!

So, let's reiterate. I live in a beautiful place with no furniture, cable or internet, and I'm finally at peace. I'm finally studying the language I want, and the certification I need with no easy distractions. Also, I sleep more, and have been promptly at work every day with the mind frame to..........hurry up with my certification. My kids have yet to get here, but I may have plenty of time until then. I'm finally taking it one day at a time.

Mr. Nice Guy

2012-07-09T12:30:00.000-10:00

If a guy claims he's too nice...chances are, he isn't. People who attribute such roles to themselves have proclaimed that outward image. Only by stating what you are, is an attempt to believe who you want to be.

I'd like to think that I'm a nice person, but I do meet people I wish to be hit by a bus. In reality, that is not the thinking of a "nice" person, but a human being. I can be nice, evil, compassionate, and caring; however, I already know those things, and don't have to label myself to make me believe what I'm not.

Self proclaimed Mr. Nice Guys are just undiscovered assholes.

This weekend I thought of ways people "bait" others for various reasons. It could be for personal or business gain, and I envisioned how fishermen bait their hooks for a fish. Depending on your preference, the fish is either kept or thrown back. Either way, the process of fishing itself is planned and thought out. Where to fish, what to fish for, which bait works best, type of hook or line to use, when and how long to fish; are all options considered to catch fish.

However, when applied positively to people it can be good, and thoughtful. Taking your time to figure out the likes and dislikes of someone to please, encourage, or motivate them. Unfortunately, it can be used in a distasteful manner; in which people have false intentions. I suppose the only way to spot the fakes, are to be aware of your own intentions.

Unopened Doors

2012-07-02T17:58:00.000-10:00

Collectively, the theme of the week seems to be about letting go of the past. It seems easy to do, but when the doors become opened, the past becomes the present. Memories that were once buried into a time safe, become unearthed into a shattering new world...that is robust with life. Memories that I wasn't aware of their emotional character and physical clout.

Last night as we exhaustingly drove through a familiar town to our final destination, I was submerged into a whirlwind of laughter, pain, music, duty, food, and a semblance of love. The past was living parallel to the present; in which my current self was examining who I was, and the striking difference could not be sanely evaluated. Were you really happy? Was life really fun? Undoubtedly, you were deeply in love.

What would the younger self say to me now? "If I knew I would be washed out at 30, I probably should have stayed in..." Yes, she would be very disappointed. Not only have I become paranoid, but I seem to excel very well at doing nothing. My witty nature is slightly subdued, because my conscious is more prevalent. Also, I seemed to have lost my sense of self ever since MTV ended their, "Who Wants to be a VJ?"

So, I guess the question is, how can I preserve the past without interruption of the present? Acknowledging what was, and allowing here now. I suppose there isn't anything wrong with temporarily reminiscing about the past, and then locking it back up. Thankfully, it reminded me of who I was, and that I can definitely loosen up a little bit, have more fun, allow more people in...and just breathe.

Perhaps there was a part of me left here, and the turns of time allowed me to come back and pick it up.

The Ultimate Sacrifice

2012-05-13T08:01:00.000-10:00

To this day I have no idea how my mom managed as a military spouse with 5 kids, and being a Family Care Provider of 6 kids during the day. I can barely manage 2 as a single parent, and promptly clock out when my kids fall asleep. "Mommy who at 10pm?"

However, what prompted further understanding of a mother's world and mind was derived from a book I read this past week; Please Look After Mom. It is a phenomenal book, where the mom becomes lost in a subway station, and her children begin to really think about her role as a mother, and realize that she too had a life and thoughts beyond that role. At one point in the book, prior to the mom missing, one of the daughters questioned whether or not their mom liked being in the kitchen. All day they would see her preparing meals, and never thought about whether she liked it or not. However, the response of the mother was that it was something that had to be done.

As parents, we just do things that have to be done, and never really think about it. When basic needs are being met to a child, they never realize what kind of life they are living until it is brought up by others, or once they reach a certain age of knowing the difference. A couple weeks ago, I was watching Oprah documenting different lives of women and families in India. The first family she visited, lived in the slums and the children declared they were happy and wouldn't trade anything for their life. However, when she asked the father whether or not he was happy, he didn't feel the same. Breaking down in front of his family, in a living space about the size of my dining room, he stated that he wishes he could do more for his family, so they didn't have to live the way they do. To this day, I wonder if that moment shattered the children's awareness.

Months ago, I was celebrating the custody switch involving my children. Two years of freedom, constantly swirled in my head. Now that their dad and I have become friends, and we have both matured into better parents, I do not feel afraid to let them go. With two years of freedom, I constantly thought of ways of fulfilling them. I first thought of traveling during the holidays, and began saving my vacation dates. Then I thought of moving altogether, and start all over in a place I prefer to be. As the months began to shorten, and anxiety started kicking in, I knew that I couldn't miss another kindergarten year, initiation into sports, the loss of a first tooth, and birthdays.

Awkward as it is to move into the territory of an extended ex-family, I was able to find my piece of land...island to be exact. I would not have imagined this life back in my younger years, but I have found a way to embrace it. Parenting is an amazing adventure. Here you are, presented with this opportunity to guide someone through life, when you haven't figured it out yourself, but you do everything to make it worthwhile, keep the basics in check, and harp on the right and wrongs of life. Only time will tell the outcome, but I'd like to think that I turned out pretty well. I'm sure my mommykins is quite proud :)

Korean Dramas Are Destroying My Love Life :(

2012-04-22T16:51:00.001-10:00

Here I am again, perched on my couch, with a giddy school girl laugh....deeply reeled into Korean dramas. Their amusement, characters, story lines, and country have royally killed my love life. In my world there are no A typical men vying for my attention, with caveman like romances. Nope, I get the quiet observant males who'll keep their hearts to theirself, while I continue to wonder around searching for potentials in other cities. Unfortunately, I don't notice the quiet ones, because like many things in my whirlwind world, it's hard to see what wants to be hidden, or what I overlook due to my goldfish mentality.

Perhaps I'm sabotaging myself, and have become a succubus to my own life. I already know the perfect male doesn't exist, with fluorescent lights indicating their "perfect" qualities, that may or may not be in tune with mine. However, when I look at these nicely orchestrated dramas, I can't help but think that perhaps my mentally fabricated love lives just belong in books....that I can't seem to put together. It's hard to write about a world I'm not apart of, or have fully been engaged in, in a long while. Funny thing, is that on the Real Housewives of Orange County, one kept talking about her love tank being empty or full. Mine has been empty for so long, that if it gets filled, it might catch on fire and burn out.

However, living vicariously through Korean dramas is fun and lively. Sometime, I can't take it and promptly turn it off because I get too nervous of an outcome. Also, there are so many emotions. Just after an hour I feel drained as if I have been through a therapy session (none of mine were nearly this grueling). Last but not least, the eye candy is always in abundance :) My preference in males have always been wide and rainbow like, but am I really going to find some handsome guy that screams drama actor, who makes me leap in excitement, and is brazenly interested in me...................................................maybe.........under different circumstances..................?

I Remember...

2012-03-23T19:05:00.000-10:00

Sitting at a table near the cook, who was transforming noodles, vegetables, spices and meat into masterpieces of meals, with amazing simplicity. Who we always assumed was his wife, shaped rice with a dish and prepared the meals, while a younger female refilled cups of tea from a water cooler, in which I always poured copiously with liquid sugar. The best restaurant in the world, where you ate, and then left to make room for the patrons waiting outside. The only place in the world, that served the best yakisoba....that still has me salivating 7 years later. The only place that I have been to, where they were constantly packed, but remembered their customers.

Driving in early humid mornings, and laughing at twitching sea crab legs sprawled out on the highway. Driving along side the water which was so blue, and smelled of sea life. A world consisting of perfect sunrises and sunsets, atop a place of tranquility and peace. Combining the feel of the cool air conditioner, with the sweltering heat from open windows...balancing a custom made temperature, following beach outings.

The beaches that had the best snorkeling, and where low tide stretched out to what seemed a mile. The beaches that were an extension of home, and welcoming despite any time of day or night. They were another friend, extra shoulder, and kept secrets.

Wouldn't it be nice to relive memories in dreams. I wouldn't mind a full day, within my 8 hrs of sleep. It would actually be motivation, to go to bed at a decent hour. Is life not enough to want to relive memories? Life is enough in itself. Everyday we are living, unless we are in a situation where we in survival mode. However, even in survival mode, there has to be something to motivate you past that. A memory or dream, are all enhancements on life, unless you are stuck on loop of bad times/memories.

My memories come and go, and can be triggered with either senses. For the first time this past Sunday, I visualized my favorite restaurant while smelling my soup simmering in the slow cooker. In the corner of my eye I seen the old man cooking shirtless as he always did, and wondered if their restaurant was still there. Monthly, I relive memories dancing with my little cousin, the summer I spent with him before he passed. I made him dance with me to all the stereo settings, while listening to Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry". As briefly as the memories come and go, I wish I could be fully immersed, but appreciate their visitation.

Tragically, events can rupture your memory to where you mind cannot work fast enough to block it out. Like an untreated wound, it can become infected, and target other cells...sectors of the mind. How can you repair parts of a broken mind? Is there a binding element that can stop self destruction? I cannot fathom an attempt of an explanation. However, when I'm in a situation where I have no control, or anything positive to fall on, I cry. I remember times in my life where I was reduced to tears, and I lived through those moments, to cry on to the next tribulation.

Needless to say, that the most pivotal crying moment happened in front of people. As I was in a travel office in Hawaii, booking tickets on a lone flight absent of the children I had to leave behind, I wilted. Standing at the counter, tears flowed without queue and hesitation. As fast as I tried to wipe, the more they fell. Embarrassed at the slight breakdown, I turned to get a better hold of myself, which had no effect. Losing conscious of the full room, I had an uncontrollable break down, and full on ugly cry. Expressionless, a lady behind the counter slid a box of tissue in front of me, which seemed to pull me out of the despair that I had publically fallen in.

That moment which was in dark times, only reinforces how precious time is when I spend it with my little ones. Everyday as I look at them grow into bean sprouts, I remember their cherub faces they had as babies, and adorable curly hair. As I create new memories, I'll always remember all the moments that led me to here...to happiness. I hope to forever keep my memories, and if by chance I don't my, I'll make sure my backups stay somewhat up to date.

::Inspiration:: "Breathe Me" Sia

Brown Eyed Girls

2012-03-10T16:02:00.003-10:00

There are some days where I look at my children, and wonder what will become of their life. After that, I think of ways to help prepare them for situations, that they should be able to control. For instance, I remember getting in trouble in school because I was offended and arguing with kids about "your momma" jokes. At that time, I was probably in the first grade, but I remember arguing my case to my mom, on how the kids were talking about her. What she said, is something that changed my life; which was, "Nicole, they don't know me". Instantly I understood, and had nothing else to say. Lessons such as those, are currently work in progress within our household...and will be for a while.

In fact, isn't it amazing how some people have no idea of who you are, and yet want to pass judgement on your beliefs, way of life, or moral character. It's because of that, I look at my children, and wonder about all the things I love about them, and how innocent they are in a world of uncertainty. It's hard to tell children that not everyone will like you, but at the same time it's needed. My goal is for them to understand that being yourself is more important than pleasing others, and it begins with loving who you are. In my opinion, learning how to love yourself, begins a course of respect you will carry out to everyone else. Unfortunately, some will confuse love with ego. However, the ego is self satisfying, while love is an affection that connects us to one another.

Along with identity, I want to help give them awesome childhood memories. As a child, I use to love the summers, because we use to spend them with friends and family, play street games, and fully enjoy the outdoors. It seemed like the adults were nonexistent at times, even though we know they were watching from kitchen windows. It felt good to be a child. I understand that certain circumstances can change that, but my goals is to let my kids be kids, and help them create memories. Hopefully, they will remember walks along trails, camping in the living room, and beach bum fun. If not, I have plenty of photos :)

To look at their faces, makes me appreciate their world and reminds me of how everything is an adventure. In that moment when I look at them, I see the little cherub faces that lovingly looked at me during bottle feeding, with large unquestioning eyes. The same eyes that stare through tears, dirt, food, rear view mirrors, and funny faces. I understand that I cannot control their future, as it would only stem into a myriad of foreseeable trouble. However, I can supply them with the knowledge and tools to help combat a bad day.

In those moments, when I look into their eyes I imagine myself as a fairy that casts a spell on their life to protect them against hardships and any negativity...and realize that's not any sort of life I would want for myself. I realize that I've grown to be who I am from things I deemed as not good, and somehow turned them positive reinforcements.

I have no idea who my children will become or what they will do, but I do know for sure that I will always love them, and will always love seeing the stages of their life in their eyes.

Just For You :)

2012-02-07T14:46:00.002-10:00

Entering Walmart, a young man greeted me and my family with a cart. I did not see a badge, but thanked him and began our shopping. Thinking of dinner items for the week, late night snacks, and toiletries, we wondered throughout the store to our usual aisles. Finally, after enough hunger pains, and homework to do, we left the store an hour later.

Leaving out the same door we came through, we were approached by a young lady selling candy from a bag. I informed her that I didn't carry cash, and apologized. However, while walking to the car, all I could think about was what were they using the money for, how old were they, and what's going on? Either way, they seemed to be in need of help. After the car was packed, and children were strapped in, we drove off. While I was driving, I was calculating our expenses, and other ways our funds were going to be spent. Before long, I found myself heading to the ATM.

Are they working together? How much should I take out? Should I give $10 dollars...but then that's $5 for each. Withdrawing $20, I headed back to Walmart to look for the young lady. Back into the parking lot, I look for familiar figures in the dark. Amazingly, walking in front of my vehicle was the young lady, who then holds her hand out. Stopping the car, I rolled the passenger window down, she tells me that she's starving, and she's not looking for cash, but would take food. Once she's finished, I reach out to her, and tell her, "I got this out the ATM just for you!" She thanked me, and wearily walked on.

For the first time, in a long time, I was able to help someone. Perhaps I help people out in small ways and not know it. For example, I HATED basic training, but unbeknownst to me I still had a smile on my face (everyday I was wailing inside). All the while, my "smile" got me in all sorts of trouble, including ridiculous physical punishment, and on the last day one of my buddies said that he would not have been able to pull through, had it not been for my smile! My first thought, was that I was glad my pain caused him some sort of pleasure. Twenty dollars may not have been much, but today I felt really good about it, and wanted to sob all over my steering wheel knowing how it feels to ask total strangers for help. Not only knowing how she felt, but her look is forever ingrained within my mind.

During the whole ordeal, my kids asked a barrage of questions, in which my answers and the lesson will hopefully forever be embedded in their memory, in hopes they will continuously pay it forward.

All Fought Out

2012-01-10T20:16:00.002-10:00

So, here I am attempting another act...in the nude. Sometimes I'd like to think certain things do not have such an effect on me, but that's just my delusional thinking. However, late at night when I'm sitting on my couch deep in thought, accompanied by the TV, Internet, and sounds of the neighbors and of the night, my walls crumble down. Fear, anxiety, and a surge of excitement cluster my brain cells. My strategies that I once revelled in dissipates, and I am left with doubt, and find myself standing on a path that has split itself. Either path is evenly filled with sacrifices, tenacity and compromises.

While standing at the crossroads, all I am reminded of is 18 long months of fighting for common ground. Yet, all of it has manifested into this moment, for the better. Along with the worries, there are comforts. Along with fear, there is a sense of rebirth...and constant sanity check. Unfortunately, through all the fighting I have noticed that this unsettling feeling is from judgement of others. I suppose that when you have had every aspect of your life analyzed, and then falsely characterized...it has definitely made me more cautious of perception from others. However, I have realized that I cannot fit into certain molds no matter how hard I have tried.

I find that the hardest thing about life is being yourself. Everyone is divided through culture, ethnicity, religion, social status, and other factors. With that being said, with all of the differences among us, we should be open to one another, and not so closed minded. I honestly dislike one or two people in the world, but I still respect them, and remain open to what they have to say. I'm not going to tell them how I feel, because it's something I'm working on internally to be rid of. I try to avoid arguments at all costs, because needless to say...I'm all fought out.

Permanence

2012-01-03T17:17:00.000-10:00

There was as sort of feeling that arose from today, and it could have been that spring has finally sprung and the cold weather will stay away.

But whatever it was, for ever it may be, I felt an ease that will last what futuristically felt eternally.

Sometimes I lie dormant, calm...happy, and then comes a jubilant moment where life seems clear, and I understand why things must be.

In this panoramic view I can see you, me, we, and the intrinsic design of Aum...respectively.

*Today is far from spring, but the emotion resurfaced nonetheless.

Monarch

2011-12-30T11:38:00.001-10:00

On Christmas morning a single mother by the name of Donna Fountain, was killed in a hit and run. In her pocket, was found a handwritten list of dreams...that she carried everywhere, and everyday. The story is heartbreaking, and makes you realize how each day is a gift. After reading the story, I began to analyze my decisions, my life, and everything leading up to now. If I died tomorrow, what would I want my children to know? What would I want my last words to be? Silly enough, I came up with the poem below.

Monarch

Latching on to the first breath of life, to begin feeding off the milkweed,
To what seemed forever, in a robotic state of mind spanning 18 years.

Hidden within a chrysalis, anticipating rebirth and uncertain of transformation,
I lain dormant until the walls chipped off by time and forces of nature.

Climbing to new heights, and floating through the winds,
Omnidirectional to decisions, but gravitating towards personal sensibility.

Onward to escape the bitter chill, and grips of death along a course never traveled,
Predetermined and unknowing of the outcome but pressing forward.

In my research of monarch butterflies, only the fourth generation butterflies migrate to either Mexico or California, and live the longest. They live between an astounding six to eight months, while the earlier generations only live about two weeks after becoming butterflies.

Coincidentally, my mom has forever compared me to butterflies, saying like them I float along the wind. At certain times I was offended. Now thinking about it, I would like to say that it's fitting. Have you ever known anyone to hate butterflies? They transform from cute little fatty worms to beautiful insects with wings, and will clumsily fly and drink from flowers. My birthday is October, so that makes me a fourth generational monarch, in which I will eventually migrate to California. The land that I have been trying to migrate to since the 90's, and perhaps this is the year, I actually will make it :)

Undoubtedly, I have a great respect for life, and enjoy the tiniest moments that I find to make it more special. However, what I can't do is write a detailed a list of accomplishments, achievements, and downfalls, without them being in general categories. I find that details are for personal moments, preferably shared over tea, a meal, or heartfelt conversation. Unequivocally, I will share any and everything, because you can't avoid spoken truths. Not only will it help me, but possibly someone else.

Delusional Me : (

2011-12-14T16:25:00.006-10:00

Have you ever attempted to look at your thoughts from the outside in? Staring gazed, bewildered, confused, and thought, "Where the hell have I been?"

Perhaps these thoughts are just an exaggeration of what would come; over stimulating my mind, and turning possibilities into realities are all welcomed.

Just perhaps they're tales to cover up what's true. What I refuse to see and accept that somethings will never be, and I'll just have to make do.

Sometimes, I just like to escape into the delusional me, and for a brief moment in time...just let my mind wonder free.

Somewhere in the Middle

2011-12-07T18:50:00.003-10:00

70 years ago, President Roosevelt delivered his "Day of Infamy" speech, following the attack of Pearl Harbor. 70 years today, you can still visually see the sunken USS Arizona, with the same oil floating in the water, still capturing the bodies of some sailors.

About 8 hours west of the Pearl Harbor monument, you will find the Chiran Peace Museum for Kamikaze Pilots, in Japan, and in between you can see the destruction of war.

66 years later you can still see the effects of the atom bombs dropped over Nagasaki and Hiroshima, where about 200,000 people died as a the result of the attack.

Prior to the atom bombs, about 200,000 people were killed in the Battle of Okinawa, and about 20,000 died in the Battle of Guam.

Caught in the middle, and always in between are people that have no voice in neither decisions, nor the outcome. Just like civilians caught in between war and civil battles;

daily,

weekly,

or monthly,

you will find children...in the most industrialized nation in the world, unknowing of their fate, dying to live.

Toxic Love

2011-11-16T18:37:00.001-10:00

Have you ever crashed from a high? The high doesn't necessarily have to be drugs, but it could be the completion of an important project barely missing the deadline. It can be a fireman rescuing a family, or finishing your first marathon. Whatever it was that exhilarated you, can also come to a screeching halt...like love. Sometimes, I get certain songs stuck in my head for a day or even a week. Whenever the song begins to fizzle out, its purpose becomes known. Apparently, Rihanna's We Found Love, has been the pick of the week.

I was at full capacity of love for about a month or so, and it felt like a year.
Everyday was a blast.
Everyday was filled with music.
Everyday was filled with food, friends, and lifelong memories.
Everyday, I was drunk.

There were some sober days, but not so much. During that time, I was careless, carefree, and happy. It was definitely toxic love, and I took longer to get over it, than the length of time I was in it. Never had I immersed myself in something like that before, and I have yet to experience it again...in a responsible way. For a while, I had nostalgia for that place in life that I half way experienced, and I wouldn't go back to change anything.

After watching Rihanna's video, I was amazed at the portrayal of toxic love. Can it even be called love? Great question, and I would like to think so. Love is not taught to all the same way. Some people think they are loving someone, but their actions may not mirror the emotion. During one of Oprah's Lifeclass, she stated that, "Love doesn't hurt", and I agree that abusive love shouldn't. However, some people are the product of others that have not been "properly" loved, and they perceive love from what they know (there is no excuse for abuse...just providing the other side's view). Love hurts when your heart is broken, and it can hurt when not properly given, and it can be painful when you've realized that it was overlooked.

I love to love...be in love...and love everyone. Being in hopeless love, or any love is a learning experience. Not only will you understand what's real, and what's appropriate for you at certain stages of your life, but it provides a varied perspective of possibilities. In fact, reevaluate your love stories. Have they or you evolved?

Ignorance is Bliss

2011-11-09T17:40:00.001-10:00

Amazingly, there is this large notion that people join the military to escape the harsh realities of life. The fact that it is a volunteer force, makes those that apply, volunteers of the lazy life. My information was derived from the answers from the first discussion question of my sociology class last week; which was to describe a sociologist's view of why the American military does not represent the cross sections of Americans, from an article we read from New York Times.

The responses were incredible, and I soon realized that I was the only one in my class that had done any military service. The article indicated that people from rural, inner cities, and low income families join the military, which creates an unfair volunteer force. One reply was from someone who mentioned that people join the military because they want the benefits, and do not want to "try" working in the real world, because it's easier to have people tell you what to do (dumb b!tch). Also, people of course mentioned recruiters who constantly lied, and how they did not want to become another number. Flabbergasted, best describes how I felt, as I tried to respond to the harsh criticisms, in the best manner.

Recently, about a couple months ago, I attended a class for work. As I was getting in my car preparing to leave one day, I looked up and became struck by the graves that were in front of me. Chills rolled down my spine, and goose bumps prickled my skin. There I was, parked in front of Arlington Cemetery. Graves perfectly lined, immortalizing the fallen in stone. People who volunteered their life for our country, laid to rest amongst comrades.

At that time and now, I wonder if anyone who calls this place home realizes what was fought, to get us to where we are today? Despite your ethnicity, religion, or political view, we all are parts of situations and reasons that shape the land we live in. We're all interconnected, and I find it appalling when people can take the largest organization, and call the people that volunteer for it with their lives, lazy. Not only that, but how can you judge people who decides to live their life a certain way, not offending anyone?

Life isn't something you can skip through with hidden codes behind magical doors. Children aren't raised with programmable warranty cards, and food isn't obtained through meal tablets. All we know, is that we are born with a purpose unbeknownst to us from the start. However, as some go through life with discontent, irrational and judgmental thinking creates a hierarchical sense of self. We all are in our own version of the game of life, and the two things for certain everyone will experience, is the starting line at birth and the end at death. With the challenges in between, why waste so much energy by judging others, and their way of life?

Silly twitter, tweets are for kids...and my enjoyment :)

2011-11-06T09:28:00.001-10:00

Trending twitter topics are always interesting. Answers from around the globe tickle my sides, and also cause full on belly laughter. Currently one of them are #IveAlwaysWantedTo, to which the first one I seen was from:

Evil_Dumbledore: #IveAlwaysWantedTo turn around in a big chair, and say "I've been expecting you..."

Absolutely hilarious! In fact, I'm going to do it at work tomorrow :). So, what would my answer be? I don't know. I've done a lot in my life, and traveled all over, and had some pretty fun times...stuff that just kind of happened unexpected. Also, I have done a lot on my life list that I created when I was eight; however, the last thing was to be president (not so much anymore).

Along with trending topics, you get to see the overall voice of people in general; which is to be accepted for who they are, and how they are viewed. At times I have wished I could step outside of myself to see what other people see, but after 10 minutes I lose interest. I really don't care. At one time, when I would get dressed in the morning I would chant, business casual, business casual, business casual. Now, it's more like young, fun, and decent, with a hint of business casual. I even cared how others viewed my hair, which has had a drastic change within two years, that went from chemically enhanced, to au naturale...and wigs. It has since become part of the free expression that I have been embracing.

However, lets look a the topic in depth. I've Always Wanted To...seems like life is over with, and what was that one thing you didn't get to do? Do some people consider things they have never done, will never happen? Perhaps some people will see them out of reach? What I have learned from Oprah's Lifeclass, is that you can fulfill things on a smaller scale. For instance, I wanted to be a writer; currently I have a blog that some people read. I also want to be a designer, but even if I only design for myself or my kiddies, I'm still a designer. In small ways, I'm satisfying my soul.

So, subconsciously I cannot partake in that trending topic, because I always find ways to do what I want...my heart's desires. Hopefully one day, all those young people screaming for acceptance, and self assurance can read The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch, which indefinitely changed my life. Just be who you are, and achieve as much as you can, and have fun at it. In the meantime, I'll be in the background, hot tea in hand, laughing my head off.

Bound by Insecurity

2011-10-21T18:03:00.002-10:00

Bound by the eyes, hands, and shackled feet

Lead into an arena of the unknown

With a deafening beat of the heart

An eerie silence

Surrounded by the elements of dry heat, slight wind, and a burning sun

Fear causing mental anguish

A lump rising in the throat, preventing vocalization

Is it better to see whats to happen?

Should I turn from possible pain?

Should I fight?

Should I plead?

Overwhelmed with fear, causing a gravitational pull

Kneeling, rocking back and forth

An eruption of laughter and tears, loosening what was covering the eyes

Blinded by light, and focusing on the chained closed sweaty hands

Opening to reveal a key

Will you free yourself to face whats to come?

Will you remain bound, and give up?

What will your choice be?

Inspiration: Demi Lovato's Skyscraper

Mistaken Identity

2011-10-06T18:50:00.043-10:00

One day at work, a customer I never met before looks at me and asks if I could sing; in which I responded with no. She then gave me a disappointed look, that was also slightly sour. Apparently, that wasn't the first time, I have disappointed strangers with my dull life, but it was the first time a look penetrated my outer surface. At the time, I felt that I should have apologized for not being what she though I was or should be. In fact, why is it that others seem to think I am not doing what I should be?

The other day I was reading my diary. It is of 12 years old, and I began writing in it during the summer before my senior year of high school. Continuously, I write for years about how I'm not really doing what I would like to be doing. Flash forward...same thing. Constantly, I live in the land of ideas and wishful thinking in my head. However, the reality of it all is that I'm scared to step out of my comfort zone of a robotic life, and actually do what I think. What if I fail? What if it doesn't sell? What if too many "what if" variables kept nagging me...ugh too late!

For example, the idea of my own blog began in 2008. Finally this year (2011) I decided to actually make it happen. What I enjoy the most is displaying my point of views, and writing when and whatever I want to write about. Also, I don't have many people to talk to, and I need to give my sister's ears a break. Either way, I enjoy writing. Even during break ups, I prefer to write just so that I can eloquently display my feelings.

Along with my resurfaced feelings are awesome quotes displayed everywhere, given by Steve Jobs, who recently passed. The quote that I keep seeing, and that resonates with me is, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." I may not be living someone else's life, but I know that I have to find a way to fully fulfill mine. I don't know what it is, but it could be something small like publishing a book, or fun like designing jewelry, or clothes.

All I know is that life is calling again, and I believe wholeheartedly that each of us have a specific purpose. So, maybe those strangers were only pointing out something that I continually ignore (I was quite pleasant, if you're thinking it's demeanor driven). After all, I suppose the disappointment I really felt was their candid honesty, in how I really feel. Subsequently, I'm pretty sure I'm feeling this way due to my birthday and the big 3 0. With each birthday, I subconsciously go through a flash back of the year. The process is emotional, stressful, and depressing. However, I realize that it's just me shedding skin. Out with the old, and in with the new. I see the paths that have again made their way visible, and it's only a matter of time as to which one I will take.