Cheese Curds and Kimchi-Our international adoption story

USCIS text alert and case status program: Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 13:53:00 +0000

Remember that USCIS case status/text alert program I thought would be super helpful? Well, not so much.

It was a great idea, but I have to give the system a big fat 'F'. A few weeks ago we received our COC (yay!) via certified mail which means the last official paperwork step of Little Man's adoption is complete. (Still a few more to go but they aren't required at all.)

We got our paperwork but never received a text message. So I logged into the system and it still shows our status as under "initial review"!

Ha! Guess the systems has some kinks to be worked out.

But the upshot is that we finally have Little Man's official citizenship papers! We sent out for his updated birth certificate that shows his citizenship status. Hope to have that shortly.

Also, filed our G-884 (return of original documents). Very excited to see what that will bring, but boy, filling out the form was a bit confusing! I'll do a post on that later.

South Korea adoptions and the Hague Convention

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 13:02:00 +0000

OK. Get ready for a very insider-baseball long and rambling post here. If you aren't an active watcher of what's happening with the Korea adoption program, this probably won't be of interest to you.

So, last week there was a small news story. South Korea signed the Hague treaty. Here's a short news brief about it.

It's really quite a shock. There has been pressure from anti-adoption groups to ratify Hague in Korea, but there hadn't been much public discussion about it. So the sudden signing is quite surprising and leaves many wondering what other changes are in store.

Right now most agencies have no idea what this new change will mean or how it will be implemented. But I thought it would be good to learn a little more about Hague to see how it might impact the process for families.

An overview of the Hague Convention:

From the State Dept. website:

It requires that countries who are party to the Convention establish a Central Authority to be the authoritative source of information and point of contact in that country. The Department of State is the U.S. Central Authority for the Convention.
It aims to prevent the abduction, sale of, or traffic in children, and it works to ensure that intercountry adoptions are in the best interests of children.
It recognizes intercountry adoption as a means of offering the advantage of a permanent home to a child when a suitable family has not been found in the child's country of origin. It enables intercountry adoption to take place when:
1. The child has been deemed eligible for adoption by the child's country of birth; and
2. Proper effort has been given to the child's adoption in its country of origin.
It provides a formal international and intergovernmental recognition of intercountry adoption, working to ensure that adoptions under the Convention will generally be recognized and given effect in other party countries.

There's nothing in there that is disagreeable. It's all really important stuff to keep kids safe.

Program differences

Major differences between Hague and non-Hague processes are based on how children are classified as orphans. The actual definition of what an orphan is and the child's eligibility to be adopted determines what type of visa they are eligible for, and whether the child will be adopted in the U.S. or in the child's birth country.

Visas:

Currently Korean adoptees exit with an IR-4 visa. According to Adoption.com "With the IR-4 visa, the foreign adoption does not meet the federal U.S. equivalent requirements of severing biological parent(s) ties and/or ensuring that both the adoptive parents and child have the same rights, responsibilities, and privileges." This means that the adoption must be completed in the U.S. This visa is also issued for families who have not spent time with the child prior to exiting the country.

Under Hague, adoptees would be issued an IR-3 visa. This visa is issued when families have seen the child prior to the adoption, the relinquishment background of the child is thoroughly vetted, and the adoption is completed in the birth country. Children do not need to be re-adopted in the U.S., but they probably would have to go through a court procedure to change names, and many families opt to complete the certificate of citizenship.

USCIS:

This is where it can get a bit challenging on the paperwork end of things. Currently, for the Korea program adoptive parents file a I-600A and later an I-600. This isn't too tough. A fingerprint visit, and some paperwork. This paperwork can be filed concurrently, and is processed before the child is known to the adoptive parents. The I-600A is valid 18-months from the time of approval and can only be extended once.

The I-800A and I-800 must be approved in order. The I-800A is filed only after the child has been referred to the family, and they may not gain custody until the I-800 is conditionally approved. The I-800A is valid 15-months from date of approval with one free extension, with additional extensions costing $340.

Parent Education:

Hague countries require an additional 10 hours of parent education, over and above the education hours required for the home study.

Why the push for Hague:

The convention addresses some of the huge complaints that adoption revision groups in Korea have had about the international adoption program. Korea has been one of the top sending countries year after year and has had a reputation of running a very clean program. But there have been allegations of unclear record keeping or vague relinquishment approvals, or outright aggressive tactics by adoption centers.
Allegedly the reason Korea has not joined the "Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption is because Korea holds reservations regarding paragraph (a) of article 21 of the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child." This info is from a PBS story by documentary film maker Jane Jeong Trenka, who is an outspoken anti-international adoption advocate. She didn't cite where she got this info, so it's hard to weigh it's validity.

That paragraph reads:

"(a) Ensure that the adoption of a child is authorized only by competent authorities who determine, in accordance with applicable law and procedures and on the basis of all pertinent and reliable information, that the adoption is permissible in view of the child's status concerning parents, relatives and legal guardians and that, if required, the persons concerned have given their informed consent to the adoption on the basis of such counselling as may be necessary;"

Certainly, the recent approach in contacting birth mothers to verify their relinquishment of the child before the completion of an adoption seems to address this point.

The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child stated South Korea does not keep adequate record There have also been complaints about adoptee access to birth records, unclear relinquishments, orphanage kidnapping, poor record keeping, poor post-adoption services, and identity swaps. Because of the strict rules that Hague sets forth in identifying who is eligible to be adopted, many of these concerns would be given more careful scrutiny.

Hague also puts a much stronger emphasis on trying to place children in need, first with family members, next, within their country of origin, and thirdly, given the option of international adoption. This is Korea's general policy now, but it will be more formally approached.

What does this all mean for families in process now?

Well, that's the million dollar question.

I had a long chat with my local social worker (who is freaking amazing!) and since she works with both Hague and non-Hague international adoptions, and has worked on programs who have ratified the treaty, she had a little insight.

In other programs, families who had their homestudies already in country were grandfathered in. If Korea operates as other countries have done (which is a big IF), this means the home studies that are already in Korea will not have to be reprocessed using Hague regulations.

If a I-600a is already on file and approved, then USCIS will not require an I-800 to be filed. The I-600s can be extended but when the limit of extensions has been used up, the I-600 will have to be converted to an I-800. According to our social worker, this is a terribly messy and time-consuming endeavor. A background check must be done on every person in the household who is over 18, in every state/city they have lived in. Ick.

This is all the information I've been able to gather about what the ratification might mean for those of us in process. If anyone else has more to add, please comment!

The positive:

I think there is a lot of positives about Korea signing Hague, for all parties involved. For sure, it's aim is to ensure that the international adoptions are ethical and are accountable. Of course, no system is foolproof, but it's always good to have these systems in place to protect the children.

There are a few other benefits:

*The convention requires sending countries to provide adopting parents with comprehensive information regarding medical records and translations of them. Korea has historically had some of the best medical records for IA, but this is another opportunity to ensure transparency.

*Sending countries must certify that birth parents made the choice to relinquish free of undue influence.

*Background and adoption records must now be kept for a minimum of 75 years. Allegedly, many adoptees have complained that Korea does not have adequate record keeping, or in some cases, has been outright unlawful. Adoptees can request their files after 13/15/18 years old (depending on agency) and many have been told they were lost, burned in a fire, or other stories. On occasion, stories like those are covering up deceit or illegal activities where the adoption was concerned. The more transparency, the better.

*The definition of what child is adoptable is different with Hague. A child with two known birth parents who are unable to care for the child, can now be considered eligible (vs. single surviving birth parent who cannot care for him). According to an Adoptive Families article, "One advantage to this new definition is that birth mothers relinquishing children for adoption into the U.S. may no longer feel they have to lie about the existence of a father, allowing adopting families access to more accurate information."

*Adopters will have access to national databases with information about their agencies and complaints about them. This gives us the power to make more informed decisions about who we are working with and what type of service we can anticipate. I'm not sure if this includes the Korean agencies or not.

So, as with everything in the Korea program, it's a watch and wait situation. Sending lots of love and support to families who are dealing with all this right now!

Adoption Books For Kids: Katie-Bo: An Adoption Story

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 29 May 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Katie-Bo: An Adoption Story by Iris L. Fisher

This story is about a family with biological children who are adopting a child from Korea. The story
is told in the voice of a young child as they experience the adoption process, from beginning to end.

I think this book is a good basic introduction about adoption. It would be particularly helpful for families who have biological children first, and are expanding their family through adoption. Because of the detail about the entire process, it might also be of interest to adoptees to better understand more about their adoption story.

The story begins with the fact that having a baby through adoption means mom's tummy won't grow, and explains, in a way that kids can understand, about what adoption means.

Here's a sample:

"Of course, our baby is growing in a mommy's tummy but not our mommy's tummy. Dad says that some women who love their babies very much can't always take care of them. Our Mom says that it's because the lady loves her baby so much that she goes to an adoption agency. That's a place where special people called social workers look for a happy family like ours to love and care for the baby sister."

I bristled at the "...lady loves her baby" line (because I don't believe you should sugar coat things that you don't know whether are true or not when it comes to the facts about your child's adoption) but I can forgive that small detail---I think it gives you an opportunity to discuss the many possible reasons that people choose relinquishment.

The book also details the family's experiences with the social worker, racial differences between caucasian and asians, and different cultural aspects (such as eating with chopsticks), all in simple ways that kids would understand.

I thought one of the most interesting things in the book was how it addressed some of the feelings that the other children might have, such as sensing their parent's stress and feeling threatened by the new baby that is about to come into the home. It also does a great job of getting children excited about welcoming a new sibling through adoption and embracing that the unknown of having a sibling arrive in this manner can be a bit scary for them.

The only part of the book that I didn't enjoy were the illustrations. I just didn't like the illustrative style (looks like paper cut outs) and didn't feel it was engaging for children.

A few of the concepts were above Little Man's age now (2 1/2), but they were brief enough that he didn't get bored and lose interest. Those same "big picture" concepts would be of interest to older kids, so this book would work for a broader array of ages, from maybe 4-7.

It's not a book that we'll be adding to our collection, but it's worth checking out from the library.

Adoptive Family Magazine articles, great adoption resource

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 22 May 2013 13:16:00 +0000

I'm sure most of you APs out there have checked out Adoptive Family Magazine. I really love the magazine and it's thoughtful commentary on issues that are relevant to our family.

However, I just discovered the magazine's downloadable adoption handouts page and wow, what a great resource! The articles are PDFs that you can download (for free!) for future reference or to share with others. They cover topics such as adoption law, talking about adoption (broken down into age groups), dealing with teachers and schools, adoption advocacy, medicine, and more.

If you haven't already, check it out!

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/clip.php

Adoption Books For Kids: We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Sun, 19 May 2013 15:23:00 +0000

We adopted you, Benjamin Koo by Linda Walvoord Girard

Wow. I love this book! It got everything just right. We are definitely adding it to our collection!

The story is told by a nine-year-old Korean adoptee named Benjamin. He talks about a lot of the aspects of adoption that are challenging for adopted kids such as not knowing why you were placed for adoption, what your birth family was like, and trying to figure out how you fit in to your new family. It also acknowledges issues specific to IA kids such as looking different than your family, integrating birth country culture/rituals, and being teased about your appearance.

The story is direct and straightforward. It's written simply and in a language that kids will connect to. It provides a lot of great topics for parents to discuss with kids, and ways that kids can learn to handle big feelings. Here's an example:

"I began to feel angry because other kids knew their biological families, and I never would. One time, when my mom made me obey a rule, I got mad. "I'm leaving!" I shouted. "I'm going back to Korea! I'll find my real mother, and she'll be nice to me!"

My mom stayed calm. "You have a real mom, and that's me," she said. "I know you're upset, but you have to mind my rules."

I started to run away. I really did. Then I realized I'd get to the end of the sidewalk, and I wouldn't know which way Korea was!

That night Dad hugged me and said he was glad I had decided to stay. But I still felt like I was on the sidewalk, not sure where to turn."

Another great example shows how the book can help kids deal with the outside world. I thought this part of the book would be super helpful in the future, although it's really heartbreaking to think that Little Man will be teased like this one day. I sort of hate introducing kids to the idea of racial slurs though. But realistically, I know a situation like this will probably happen and this story helps us prepare him to handle it:

"I do have one problem. It's the kids at school. Fourth grade can be tough. A few kids call me "Chink" when they tease. Some people don't want to know anything about me. They just think I'm from Afghanistan or Hawaii or Timbuktu.

"I don't like him," I heard a girl say. "He's Japanese."

"Yeah, but watch out---he probably knows karate," said the other kid.

I don't know karate, and I'm not Japanese. It hurts when kids tease me or talk about me like I"m an alien from the moon.

I can answer the teasers with a fact: I'm an American. Or else I can be friendly and say, "I was born in Korea. Where were you born?" Sometimes my best bet is to ignore people when they're being mean. And I've learned to concentrate on my good friends, the kids who like me the way I am."

As for the illustrations, they are fine. Appropriate for the older audience which is exactly who this book is directed at.

Right now, this book is WAY over Little Man's age, 2 1/2. But I think maybe about 4-5 years old he'll be at the right age to start reading it, even if he doesn't fully understand everything in it.

N-600: Citizenship for International Adoption & the USCIS text alert program

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 13 May 2013 19:53:00 +0000

We are still on the hunt for our Certificate of Citizenship for Little Man. We sent the application in months ago and this week complied with the request to send in his green card (boy that was hard to give it up). Hope that means USCIS is getting close to completing the process and Little Man's citizenship will be completed!

For those of you playing at home with your international adoption, I figured out a handy feature that U.S. Citizenship and Immigrations Services has on their website to allow you to see where in the N-600 process your paperwork is.

After you have submitted the N-600, check updates on your case's status, go to: https://egov.uscis.gov/cris/Dashboard.do

Enter the receipt number that you will find on the I-797C, which should have been sent to you after the N-600 was received. Type it in, hit check status, and you can see easily what's going on with your case.

One thing that I've found super helpful is to register with USCIS (free) and create a customer account. They only need basic information to do this. You'll find the link on the left hand side of the page, "Sign up for case updates" (or just CLICK HERE).

Once you have created an account, you can click the link "add a case to your portfolio" at the bottom of the page. Enter the same receipt number and you will be able to log in easily and access the information.

But the coolest reason to do this is that USCIS now has an email and text alert program that will notify you of any updates with your case. The text alert program is a pilot one, and there might be text messaging fees based on your phone plan.

Certainly a nice feature by USCIS though, so us obsessive types don't have to keep logging in repeatedly. Not sure if you can also add other cases currently in the USCIS system to the same alert system. Someone try it out and let me know!

*******

UPDATE: Well, it was a great idea, but I have to give the system a big fat 'F'. When I log in our status still says "initial review" which is the same thing it has said for months. Last week we received our COC via certified mail which means our process is complete. We never received a text message nor has our status ever changed from "initial review". Bummer. Maybe the system works better if you are processing something other than a COC?

Happy Mothers Day: 21 bits of advice for first-time mothers

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 13 May 2013 02:16:00 +0000

Twenty-four months of motherhood under my belt! Wahoo!

For those of you still waiting...your day will come.

Until then, here's 24 21 things that I've learned these past months. I pass this hard-earned advice on to you in hopes that it will prepare you for this new frontier. (I wanted to do 24, but I don't have that much advice to give. And I got tired of writing this.)

1. Check your butt: You ass will probably become a repository for a strange assortment of items. I've found Cheerios, stickers, dried snot (how the hell did that happen???), rice, paint, and applesauce on my back side, among other items I'm sure I can't recall. All of these items were discovered on my butt while I was in a public place.

2. Poop still stinks, even when it's your child's: Don't believe the hype. They almost had me convinced...

3. Take time to enjoy the giggles: My eyes tear up every time I hear him belt out a full-blown belly laugh. Every. Single. Time. I try to enjoy these moments because I know at any moment this magical, made for TV experience will self destruct. Probably within the next 5 minutes.

4. Engage in a little dirty talk: Oh yes. You and your spouse will likely talk dirtier to one other than you ever have before. It just won't have the same meaning as it did before. Dirty talking to the The Man now involves describing our child's pee and poop in detail. Color, texture, consistency. Sometimes, for a little extra excitement, we text these details to one another. You know...you gotta keep things fresh in your relationship.

5. Always blame the dog: If you don't have a dog, get one! They are incredibly useful in the kitchen during toddler meal time when a spill happens. You can blame them when an annoying musical toy goes *missing*. And they are good as ~~bribery~~ motivation---"you can give the dog a treat if you will stop screaming at the top of your lungs".

6. Private time: It's really sorta sweet when Little Man tries to squeeze behind the toilet and offers to help me wipe. Totally gross. But the sentiment is nice. (The moral of this story is that there is no private time.)

7. Don't try this at home: Do not attempt to blow raspberries on your naked baby boy's stomach when you are holding him upside down. Unless you don't mind being poked in the eye by baby boy genitalia. Disregard this tip if you have a girl.

8. Naptime kicks ass: I can't tell you just how much I. Love. Nap. Time. It's especially good when the baby naps at the same time.

9. Good enough: I've learned to accept that everything cannot be done to perfection. Perfection comes at a price, which is usually less sleep. Which Mama cannot due without.

10. I was a perfect parent:...until I had a baby. I'm not gonna sugar-coat it. It's damn hard. I take back all those things I said about other parents. Even though most of them were probably true.

11. Mom's say the funniest things: Like, get your finger out of the dog's butt, quit licking the cat, I'm sorry your broccoli is green, and quit pulling on that thing or you are going to break it. (Yes, it was that thing.)

12. Forget sleep: The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake. Be prepared. Invest now in the best eye-puffiness-reducing, dark-circle-concealing, haggard-look-camoflauging make-up you can find.

13. Leak City: There does not appear to be a sippy cup in existence that does not leak. You have been warned.

14. Mom Brain: Continuous exposure to extreme baby cuteness may turn your brain to mush. I'm here to testify that it can happen to you. And to warn you that said "Mom Brain" can be the leading cause of potential household disasters, such as starting a small fire in the kitchen, locking yourself out of the house, locking your keys and baby in the car, etc. Not that I know anything about that.

15. Time waster: There is an inversely proportional relationship between how long it takes you to make a wonderful, healthy dinner, and how much of that dinner your toddler will eat.

16. Tomorrow is a miracle: We are imperfect beings. No matter how difficult the day, how frustrating the situation, it's only temporary and you are doing your best. Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. I live by this.

17. Of course: The loudest, most annoying, commercialized, cliche toys out there---yeah, your kid will want to play with it for hours.

18. Living backwards: I use reverse psychology and tell Little Man NOT to do something in order to get him to do it. Works like a charm! (Note: this method has the exact opposite effect on your spouse.)

19. Leave early, get there late: Dress baby. Load bags of emergency items into car. Load stroller into car. Change baby into new outfit after he smears peanut butter on shirt. Fill sippy cup. Fill snack trap. Find shoe that baby has removed and hidden in the couch. Carry baby to car. Buckle car seat. Lock up house. Get in car and smell baby poop. Remove baby from carseat.....

20: Enjoy it: Take time to enjoy new things. Like road construction. Never saw myself enjoying that before, but it's actually become enjoyable with tiny toddler in the back seat is oohing and ahhing over the diggers and dump trucks.

21. Bedtime: Bedtime is my ultimate favorite. I used to dread putting him to bed, but now, it's truly the best part of my day. When I get that big snuggle at night before bedtime, looking into my sweet boys eyes as he falls asleep, I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be this kid's mom.

Forever Family and Single Mom's Day in Korea

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Fri, 10 May 2013 19:24:00 +0000

May 10, 2011

It was so surreal. There we were, halfway across the world, ~~corralling~~ holding this very wiggly 10-month-old boy, juggling bottles and gifts, and trying to listen to the final instructions from his foster parents and their parting wishes for his life.

We were all sobbing. Tears of joy. Tears of sadness.

This was the moment we became parents. The moment we had spent the past 1 1/2 years waiting for.

The workers rushed us to the elevator because surely, they knew that we would soon be overwhelmed with emotion.

I held our stoic boy in my arms. He was the only one not crying.

We got in the elevator. One last look at our social workers braced on each side of our foster mother as she wept.

The doors closed.

Hello and goodbye, in one moment.

*****

May 10, 2013

This year, we celebrate the second anniversary of our Forever Family! Our celebration is an evolving tradition: Little Man wakes. We have breakfast together as he opens a single gift that we purchased for him when we were in Korea. (We purchased the gifts with the intention that he'll open one each Family Day through his 18th birthday. Loved the idea (Thanks, Amy!) but boy, was it a lot of shopping!)

We talk about what is was like, that first day of our family. How we went back to the hotel and had no idea what to do next. How Little Man and The Man were both exhausted although it was early in the morning, so they fell asleep on the bed together. How I was too excited to sleep, and instead, stood over Little Man, watching his every breath.

This morning, we will take a photo together. And then we will part ways for the day. We will end our day with a special dinner.

It's a day that we cherish. But it's a bit ironic that as we celebrate our adoptive family, in Korea today they are celebrating the 3rd Annual Single Mom's Day. This day acknowledges the societal prejudices that exist against women in South Korea, which are the reason most children are placed for adoption.

From Ae Ran Won site: Two birds represent mothers who have
sent their babies away, and now work to overcome their immense pain.
In time, they develop the life skills needed to help them fly toward
the futures of their own choosing.

Single Mom's Day will be held May 10-11 this year. The aim is to raise support and awareness for single mothers. It was actually started as a pushback and challenge to the South Korean government's other May 11 holiday---Adoption Day, a day to promote adoption within the country.

Being a single mother is a shameful endeavor in South Korea, much like it was nearly 50 years ago in the States. It can be nearly impossible to raise a child solo in South Korea. They cannot find jobs. Their families shun them. They cannot find a place to live. Child support is unenforced. And then there is the social discrimination the mother and child endure.

So with few options for financial or emotional support, many of these women see that they have only two options: adoption or abortion. Some data states that 92% of adoptees from South Korea are born to single mothers.

Single Mom's Day is a way to garner support for these women. To help be self sufficient and to deal with the stigma that is attached to unwed mothers. To help keep families together.

What I find fascinating is that much of this forward movement in mother's rights is being led by adoptees, many of whom were adopted abroad and have now returned to South Korea. They are advocating for young women who are making choices, under the same conditions as the adoptee's birth mothers.

But had not the adoptees been adopted abroad, would they have the passion, understanding and opinions about a mother's rights that are needed to change the status quo in Korea?

Not sure...something to think about. It's fascinating that while some people use tragedies, life changing events, or conditions as a reason to play the part of a victim in their lives, these same events/situations can empower others. It's their call to arms.

I applaud the adoptees for utilizing the experiences they have had to affect change in the world. And I hope that single mothers in South Korea are able to have more than just two options available to them someday.

In our lives, Little Man's mother made a choice, and whether she would have kept him if conditions were different there, we can't know. But we acknowledge that she did have a huge decision to make and our family was born, literally, from that decision.

In her honor, and in honor of other single mothers in Korea, we are adding a new tradition to our Family Day: we are donating each year to a charity or cause that supports unwed mothers in South Korea.

From Ae Ran Won site: A mother and her baby
complete their preparation for self-support and
good parenting. Together theyare ready to journey
towards a better tomorrow.

This year, we are donating to Ae Ran Won. It's a maternity home, but also has a facility where women can live and raise their children. They also support those who may have placed children for adoption but need further support. I learned of this charity through two very well known books I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children
and Dreaming a World: Korean Birth Mothers Tell Their Stories.

Tonight, we will celebrate together as a family, keeping in our hearts the very special mother who birthed our amazing son and who made this day a possibility.

Please check out the links below to learn more about single motherhood in Korea.

***

Donate to Ae Ran Won: Help Us

A great audio story about Single Mothers Day: PRI's The World

Shame and Single Motherhood in South Korea: World Moms Blog

First person stories about single motherhood in South Korea: Omona They Didn't

Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network: http://www.kumsn.org/

Single Moms' Day in Korea: KoreaMaria

http://askakorean.blogspot.com/2011/05/ask-korean-news-adoption-day.html

Evolution

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 08 May 2013 19:40:00 +0000

Wow. It sort of feels like I've dropped off the edge of the world lately.

I guess I have, at least where the blog is concerned.

Life here has been...evolving. Lots of changes. Lots of things to make me think.

*
I've had another death in the family. This time, my half-brother, passed at the age of 26 after a motorcycle accident.

I didn't know him at all. It's a long and complicated story, but I only met him once. But after another death on that same side of the family a few months ago, I decided the time was right to seek out my half-brother and try to connect with him. It had always felt strange to have a sibling that I didn't know.

But I procrastinated. I wasn't sure how to start the conversation. And three months later, he was dead.

I missed the opportunity to know him, and I regret it.

*
We are coming up on two years as a family! It's been the most rewarding, exhausting, challenging and emotional experience of my life. Wouldn't change it for a minute (except maybe do it about 5 years earlier, but then we wouldn't have Little Man....so I guess it's absolutely perfect the way it is).

Little Man shocks us every day with how much he's growing, both physically and developmentally. He's developing a very sarcastic sense of humor (at two?!) and we find ourselves laughing at his antics all the time.

*
I turned 44 last month.

Holy hell.

The Man and Little Man gave me a very sweet and thoughtful gift. Enrollment in a beginners Korean Language class at the college!

Yep. Mama is going back to school. At least for a little while. Super excited about this! Can't wait to share what I learn. And hopefully be able to read/speak a little by the end of the session too.

Other things on my list of things to do this year: Bike 100 miles. Run 100 miles. Go on at least 1 date with The Man. Pare down some of the crap that fills my basement.

*
As for family life, I'm still struggling to find a balance. We seem to barely eek out enough time for what needs to be done, and never have enough time to do what we really want to do. We usually choose family over chores, so we ditch housekeeping for a family bike ride. Great on one hand, disastrous on the other.

This is probably the story of every family.

And don't talk about personal time...because there isn't any! The man and I haven't went out on a date in a over a year. (Everyone chime in now...awwwwwww.) I miss my girlfriends. I've gained weight. It's a miracle to get 8 hours of sleep and even that doesn't help. No time to run.

Whine. Whine. Whine.

Blogging has obviously taken a back seat too. Which is OK on the one hand. But the problem is that I love writing. I love connecting with other families. And love this space where I put all of the ramblings down.

I like the luxury of stepping back on a regular basis and taking perspective of my life. To try and put things in their place mentally and emotionally.

I tend to procrastinate on putting up posts, with lots of them sitting unfinished in my draft box. But it's also hard to write because I'm not sure exactly what this blog is for anymore. Is it about me? About being a parent? About our lives as an adoptive family? About international adoption and all the joys & complexities that are involved?

Yes, I guess it is all of those.

So like I said, life here is evolving.

Not a bad thing, huh?

Happy Black Day! A holiday for singles in Korea

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 13:05:00 +0000

Black Day Noodles {image source}

Happy Black Day!

What? You don't know about Black Day?

Well, let me tell you a bit. Korea is all about love. In fact, the country seems to be in love with being in love. Despite the Westernization that has occurred in the past few decades which has people marrying later and later, there is still a pervasive couples culture that exists. Being part of a couple is being part of the "in" crowd.

As a result, the country has a hysterical 13 days devoted to love! Black Day is the antithesis to February's sappy Valentine's Day and gives a shout out to all those that didn't get a fancy box of chocolates.

Black Day is when singles gather together to decry (or celebrate, depending on their situation) their singledom. They dress in black and eat black noodles called Jjajangmyeon. In true Korean fashion, the day is a tongue-in-cheek sort holiday that's a little piteous and a little funny. It's a superficial holiday but it's likely the diners sport a little hope that while they celebrate being single this year, next year they will be celebrating couplehood.

Evidently the black bean noodles stain teeth (always attractive), are notoriously messy to eat (no one to impress anyway) and usually leave the diner's breath reeking of onions and vinegar (they are going home alone anyway).

The rest of the year's couples holidays (all of them are on the 14th, by the way) are back to celebrating couples, through food, gesture, music, photos, or even wearing the color green together and skipping through the woods.

Check out the link to learn more about those super awesome days!

And if you are single today, find yourself a big bowl of black noodles and slurp away.

*****

13 Korean Holidays For Love: http://koreabridge.net/post/black-and-blue-koreans-mend-broken-hearts-black-day-april-14-thejessicasteele

Korea's Black Day: http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/food/2013/02/koreas-black-day-when-sad-single-people-get-together-and-eat-only-black-food/

A mother to the last breath

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 14:48:00 +0000

"No one loves you like your mother does," says my dad, with a slight catch in his voice as we talk quietly about his mother, my grandmother.

Grandma was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer in the middle of February. We were devastated, to say the least. Her decline is rapid and frightening. I can hear the strain in my father's words as we speak on the phone. He and my mom have worked tirelessly to keep Grandma at home, and have been dedicated to her growing needs.

Dad goes on to tell me about a late-night conversation between Grandma and himself. She's having great difficulty speaking, as the cancer grows. But she managed to communicate that she's worried about her only child. Worried that he will now now have to know the pain of losing his mother, a pain she knows well having experienced it herself. She feels badly that he will have to endure that. That she will be the source of his hurt.

I feel the tears come over me as he tells me this. Being a mother to him has been the most important thing in my grandmother's life. And I am struck (yet again) by the ways that motherhood changes a woman. Grandma has a need to care and protect her son until her dying breath.

****

Grandma is on the phone and we try to have a conversation, but the words are a jumble. "I love you too, one, two, three!" she says in her happy voice. But then she mutters, aware and frustrated at the nonsense that she has just spoken.

"I love you too, Grandma" I say. And I share some happy news from my day with her.

She gives a joyful "oh" just as she always would. And for a few minutes, the dread that looms over her world is pushed aside so we can share this moment.

The conversation is brief. Talking is too difficult for her and my chatter feels hollow and forced. It's time to end our conversation. She gets out, "I love you honey. I really really do."

I start to sob.

"Every day....with you....a blessing."

I didn't know this would be the last time we would speak.

****

A few days later, another phone call. Dad relays that Grandma is reaching the end. How soon, we can't know. But she knows it's soon, well before any of us are ready to accept it.

My parents aren't sleeping much now. They use a baby monitor to see when Grandma is up in the night. Many times, Dad will see that she's awake and go in to talk with her. They have had many 3 a.m. "conversations". Dad is able to patch together what Grandma is trying to say with the few words she is able to get out.

During one of these talks, she tells him she wants him to live a good life so they will be united once again after she's gone.

She's still giving advice. Still telling him what to do.

Still being a mom.

****

It's early morning, a beautiful clear morning. Little Man and I have flown in a few days earlier. Grandma is non-responsive, lying in her bed. As I came into her room I saw what was one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking moments I've ever seen: sunlight streamed into the room, beaming right on Grandma's face. And flanking either side of the bed were my parents, each leaning forward and clasping her hands, talking quietly to her.

The days were tense and emotional since we had arrived. My dad kept a vigil by her side, a constant comfort to Grandma in her final hours. The entire family was gathered at the house and we sat around grandma's bedside, looking at the massive scrapbooks she had made, her history and ours held together with glitter and glue.

When her breathing grew shallow and ragged, we'd gather together and hold one another, fearing that the breaths we heard were her last.

I looked to the other side to my mom, her face soft and full of concern. She held Grandma's hand and stroked her head. Then she turned to me and mouthed "I love you". And I knew that just as my father was my Grandma's greatest concern before she passed, that I would be my mothers.

****

Grandma passed on the afternoon March 9. We were all together but she chose a time when she was alone with my parents, the two people who cared for her faithfully until the final end. Her favorite spring flower, the forsythia planted outside her room, bloomed for the first time this year on the day of her funeral.

It's strange to see her chair empty in the morning, her room quiet and still. We are thankful she is at peace now. At least that is what I say to myself when my heart feels the weight of losing her.

During her service, the priest talked about keeping Grandma's spirit present by taking her best qualities and incorporating them into your actions and life. Grandma had a lot of qualities that made her such a wonderful and warm person to be near.

Definitely her sense of humor. She used humor to lighten situations, and as a comfort. Plus, she just liked to laugh. Even through this horrible disease, she kept her sweet sense of humor about her, and made light of her "crazy brain" which made it easier for my family to cope.

She had an amazing way of seeing the absolute best in people and caring about their feelings, to a fault. At the start of her illness, the doctor wasn't getting the sense of urgency about how quickly Grandma was deteriorating. My dad wanted her to change doctors immediately, but she refused. She didn't want to hurt his feelings and had faith that he was doing the best he could.

She doted on children. Really doted on them. I remember feeling that I could do no wrong in the eyes of my grandparents (even when I backed into their car and smashed in the front!). There's something so wonderful about having that type of doting love. She was incredibly supportive when we waited to bring Little Man home and has calmed my first-time parenting nerves countless times.

She was a rock of support in our corners. We always knew, no matter if we were right or wrong, she wouldn't judge us. She would believe that everything would be OK. And she made you believe that too.

That's definitely a quality I want to share with my son.

Travel Requirements for Korean adoptions: The Latest Sad News

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 18:25:00 +0000

Snow Day.

We're at home today because of the snow. Which is good. Because I couldn't sleep a bit last night. And I keep crying.

The latest news from the Korea adoption from broke on the MPAK blog last night. Read the post HERE. For many families who are waiting, this news will end their journey to adopt from Korea. To summarize, the blog says that families will have an appearance in Korean courts, where both adoptive parents must be present. Once the judge determines if the suitability of the parents, then there will be a 14-day waiting period during which the birth mother can end the process if she chooses to parent. If the birth mother does not come forward, then the adoption can continue.

If it's true, it's devastating. The author of the blog has been staying on top of the changing rules and processes since the new law went into effect last year. It's' probably an accurate summary of the situation as it currently exists, or at least fairly close.

So, obviously this is a huge change in the process but as an AP, the birth mother provision is the scariest part. Keep in mind, that the birth mothers already waited out the 7-days after birth before being allowed to consent to adoption, and had another five-month waiting period in before children are eligible for international adoption. By the time the courts see the cases, these children are already 1-1 1/2 years old. While I'm all for giving the birth mothers ample time to change their minds (after all this is a HUGE decision), couldn't the waiting period be completed before the adoptive parents have went through all the hoops and expenses, are in Korea and are about to bring home their baby?

There are many families left on the 2012 quota who are awaiting travel. They have been on hold several months as the courts reviewed documents and became familiar with adoption procedures. Now these same families are facing extra thousands of dollars in expenses at the last minute as they are told they must extend their stay in country from a week to 3-4. And the fact that both parents must now appear in court...another unexpected challenge for some.

That aside, I'm most concerned by the added strain on children, both for the child to be adopted and other children in the adoptive family. The extra court processes and waiting times will likely mean that the children who are being adopted will be coming home much older. That is harder on the children since they have spent more time in their foster families. Plus the extra weeks families must stay in Korea may affect the amount of time they will have once they return stateside, to bond and help their child adjust to their new home before the parents must return to work.

For children already in the family, they face being without both parents for 3-4 weeks. Obviously a huge obstacle and could make the initial relationship with a new sibling much more challenging. If they travel to Korea with their parents, it's a long journey, weeks away from the comfort of home. If the children are school aged, that may not even be a possibility. And what about for special needs families?

The international adoption program helps provide homes to many Korean children who were not adopted domestically. If the number of IA goes down due to this extreme new set of rules, where will these children go? The domestic adoption numbers have not increased enough to provide homes for them. They are in foster homes now as they await IA, but those are not forever homes. And each agency only has so many foster homes. So, if these children are not adopted will they will be moved into orphanages?

It's always a delicate balancing act to protect the rights of the birth parents. But what about the rights of these children to be able to have a forever home quickly?

The first 2012 cases are scheduled to move into the Korean court systems in April. I hope this latest MPAK post isn't true, or at the very least, the rules are not set in stone. Just hate to see the system end up punishing children and the families who desperately want to provide for them.

And of course, the most important thing is to remember that this is just all conjecture at this point. Not a single agency (that I can find) has reported any of this information to their clients. Until we hear it from them, it's not official.

Learning Korean at LP's Korean Language Learning

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 13:00:00 +0000

Another language site for you Korean language buffs. I'm feeling better about my lack of knowledge by passing on these sites to you. Hopefully one day I'll be using them myself!

This site is Learn Korean: LP's Korean Language Learning. This site is pretty basic, but what's nice is there are audio clips to play which help guide you through the lesson. It's also very organized and has some great language guides.

My favorite part of the site though, is the music section titled "learn Korean with music". There are several videos (which play on the page) and have lyrics/concepts in the song broken out with definitions translations. The author's theory is to see if hearing the music helps learners develop listening skills. Great idea!

What do you think?

Endless adoption paperwork: COC, G-884 and G-639

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 17:12:00 +0000

Adoption is many things, including boatloads of paperwork. Of course, the bulk of it was done in the home study phase, and then again at the referral phase, but the paperwork doesn't stop once the little squirts arrive. We have a giant expandable file that resembles George's wallet on Seinfeld. We can't close it anymore and it's bursting at the seams.

A year and a half since Little Man came home, we are still chasing the final bits of the paperwork. Here's the things still on the list (and links for others who are doing the same stuff):

Certificate of Citizenship (COC): Little Man became a legal citizen when we completed our adoption, six-months after he arrived in the US. For US born folks, a birth certificate is proof of citizenship. But since Little Man's birth certificate shows his birthplace in South Korea, his bc isn't proof. So, we have to file for his COC to help him prove his citizenship, necessary to get a passport, work in government, etc. We finally got our COC shipped out a few weeks ago. 24-more pages of stuff to file!

Amended Birth Certificate: In Wisconsin, we can reapply for a state amended birth certificate which will have Little Man's citizenship status included on the certificate.

***

There are a few additional filings that we will be doing once we have our COC. These aren't required in any way at all, but I think it's important to try and get ahold of everything pertaining to Little Man's adoption/process. He might want this information in the future, and you never know what tidbits might be included in these requests.

G-884: When we traveled home with Little Man from Korea, we were handed a giant sealed envelope that we handed over at immigration at the airport? I was dying to read through it all, but we couldn't break the seal. Now I can finally satisfy my curiosity. With the G-884 you can get those original documents! I'm excited to see if there is anything that we didn't have in our files already. Many APs have found things in there such as photos of birth parents, visa applications/photos and original health records. You should have completed the COC before you file the G-884.

As with all these forms, they can be confusing. Here's some tips I've picked up (which are untested by me, as of yet):

under the 'information about you' heading, put your information
in the 'data for identification on personal record' put your child's information
under type of entry, put 'immigration'
port of entry is the city where you went through customs
specifically ask for "all records and photos pertaining to the adoption of XXX"
the form has to be notarized before you send it to USCIS
send it to the office that processed the COC (be sure to keep the envelope that the COC came in!

(Like all things adoption-paperwork related, you'll find conflicting information. The Legal-Eaze site states "...you should first wait until the documents are transferred to the local USCIS processing center (usually takes about 6 months from the date of immigration). Then complete Form G-884 (Return of Original Documents and instructions) and mail it to your local USCIS Office." So, not sure if that means 6-months from the date they entered the country, or 6-months from the date of the COC. Argh...so confusing! If anyone knows the answer to this riddle, please chime in. We are erring on the side of doing the form after the COC returns.)

G-639 (Freedom of Information Act): Out of all of the paperwork we are filing, this will be it (as far as I know) and it's the one I'm most excited about. From the few people I've heard of who have completed this, it has been a treasure trove of paperwork. But believe me, I'm getting really tired of filing paperwork and it's exponentially more difficult now with a two-year old to chase around. Seems like the pile of paperwork sits on my desk for a very long time before I actually get it done. But again, this is about amassing every detail I can for Little Man, so it's really all worth it.

I do know that this one must be filed last, after the G-884.

How's your paper chasing going??

USCIS Adoption Forms link: http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/menuitem.eb1d4c2a3e5b9ac89243c6a7543f6d1a/?vgnextoid=c88fd1eb6dc43210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD&vgnextchannel=c88fd1eb6dc43210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD#

Post Adoption Paperwork (Adoptive Families Magazine): http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/pdf/PostAdoptPaperwork.pdf

Legal-Eaze: Awesome site with helpful information (written in plain language) on filing citizenship, and showing completed G-884,

Learn to speak Korean at Korean Class

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:00:00 +0000

Just stumbled across a Korean language site that might be helpful for those of you studying!

I haven't really picked up ~~much~~ any Korean at all. I learned most of my Spanish from books and self-study, but I don't seem to be able to do the same with the Korean language. But to be honest, I haven't sat down and really put a ton of time into it.

I know a few handful of words/phrases that we learned before Little Man came home, and since then just added some words learned by listening to Little Man's Korean baby books. (You know those kind of books where you push the button to hear the word for pig, cow, etc?) But the words on his book are sort of obscure...I doubting there will be much of a need to say things like 'rainbow' or 'butterfly' in everyday conversation.

Any tips on learning Korean out there?

Here's the site. Let me know if anyone finds it helpful!

http://koreangirlinsg.com/category/korean-class-everyday-korean

Just another freak out

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 13:02:00 +0000

If you are a parent of a toddler or have a toddler in your life or ever had a toddler, you MUST go read this awesome post:

46 Reasons Why My Three Year Old Might Be Freaking Out

There. That should have started your day off with a smile. And give you insight into what goes on in our house. :)

How to play Gonggi: A Korean board game

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 13:00:00 +0000

Wish I had found this great series on Korean board games last week! At The Korea Blog, the blogger is highlighting different Korean board games including gonggi which is a popular game to play for the New Year celebration.

Here's the short video he did showing how to play the game. Check out the links section below to go to the full blog post with the rules. There's also a link for Yut Nori, another popular New Years game. Can't wait to see what the next posts will be on!

If you think this looks like fun (I do!) then your next logical question would be, where can I find the gonggi game here in the US? I haven't checked out H-Mart, but Little Seouls does carry the game pieces and you can get them by checking out the links below.

LINKS:
Korean Games: Gonggi
Korean Games: Yut Nori
Little Seouls Glitter Gonggi Game

Happy Korean Lunar New Year! 2013 Year of the Snake

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 22:46:00 +0000

Happy Lunar New Year! Welcome Year of the Snake! I'm a day late on this post. Had it all ready to go, but hey, we were celebrating and I forgot to put it up! (The video really tells you lots of great details about Seollal, so be sure to watch.)

This is Year of the Snake. Snakes don't really have a great connotation for most folks, but in this context, they are associated with long life, fortune and safety. Perhaps it's because of the snake's ability to renew itself by shedding it's skin, that snake years are said to bring fertility, renewal and prosperity.

We could totally do with some renewal and prosperity around here. Bring it on, Snake!

Like many of the Korean holidays, this one centers around family and food. We celebrated with our adoption family, FTKA, a few weeks ago at their annual New Years event. It featured singing, Tae Kwon Do exhibitions, awesome traditional food, and of course, friends. Hard to believe we've been with this group for three years now! It was also a time to celebrate and meet several children who have just come home, and support others who are still waiting.

As for our home celebration, I had to work on Sunday so we didn't get crazy with things. But we did whip up some Jap Chae, spend lots of time together, and even taught Little Man to 'sebae', or do a formal bow. We gave him some small change (New Years money) as is the tradition. Maybe next year he'll really understand what's going on? Here's a good site to learn the male/female ways of performing a sebae.

Overall, I think we can do more for this holiday. I feel like we aren't really incorporating as much Korean heritage as I'd like to. I have to be honest that at this point it's a big challenge for us, but hopefully we can keep working at it to continue and build more of our own traditions for the future. Ideas for next year might be getting up early to watch the sun rise together (although this really doesn't appeal to me at all because he's usually up so darned early anyway), having a nice big breakfast together (more likely to happen) and playing a few of the traditional games (totally do-able).

Things around here

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 15:58:00 +0000

I know it's been quiet here. To be honest, 2013 has a lot of improving to do.

We started New Years day with a houseful of ick. This, following our Christmas sickfest, where Grandma, Daddy and Little Man were all under the weather. So, for new Years, we had a new round of fun, as LM had a sinus/ear infection.

Followed by The Man's upper respiratory infection.

Then, came the news that Great-Grammie's health was rapidly declining for unknown reasons.

And add in one other death in the family.

As I said, 2013 isn't off to a great start.

We quickly scheduled a trip out to see Great-Grammie, which was wonderful and emotional. We have so much fun being with family, even when it's under difficult situations. Grammie seemed to enjoy watching Little Man run about, and Little Man loved to give her giant hugs and share her snacks. It about broke my damned heart watching that, but I was happy that we were there, all the same.

The visit wasn't long enough of course. The Man could only stay a few days, and Little Man and I stayed a bit longer. I was a bit nervous about a full day of travel without a second set of hands, but Little Man was a champ and did great. It was good to be home, but so hard to be away from family again.

I miss seeing LM scream excitedly when he sees Papa. Or the wonder on his face as he watches Grandma sew. Or seeing those sweet moments when he reads books with Grandma G. Or watching him run up to Grammie's chair and sweet talk her out of a pretzel.

Spending time with cousins and screaming and running until you collapse on the floor. Taking him places that I went when I was a kid. Showing him the school that his daddy and I went to.

As my great-grandma said, the older you get the faster time goes.

Sigh. So right.

My two cents: Chicago couple battling to adopt South Korean baby

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 14:17:00 +0000

I just read a Chicago Tribune story about a legal battle over a 7-month-old baby girl taken out of Korea illegally. The situation is upsetting, but I find that the people I'm most upset with are the people who want to be her adoptive parents.

Here's the recap:

Jinshil and Christopher Duquet wanted to expand their family through adoption. They already have one daughter, age 10, whom they had adopted from South Korea. Jinshil is South Korean, having moved to the US when she was a child. They attempted to adopt another child in 2011 but learned that they had aged out of the program. Jinshil, 49, and her husband, 55, far surpass the 45 year old age limit for Korean adoptions.

According to the Duquets, they were contacted by a family member of Jinshil's in Korea, who knew of an unwed mother living at a shelter for pregnant women who was searching for an adoptive family. They made an arrangement and Jinshil flew to Korea, waited for the baby's birth, took custody and brought the baby to the US when she was just a few weeks old. According to the family, they worked through a South Korean lawyer to facilitate this "adoption" and have documentation from the child's birth mother and grandmother relinquishing custody.

Upon arrival to the US, they were detained at the airport because the baby did not have the proper documentation for adoption. They appeared in the US courts and the baby was removed from their care due to lack of the proper immigration documents. They filed a court suit, were named guardians and regained custody while this debate over immigration is being dealt with. South Korea says they took the baby illegally and demands the child be surrendered back to South Korea.

Here's why this story bothers me...

* There are rules people. And the rules are set forth by the country of origin. You may not agree with these rules, but that's the way it is. South Korea has deemed that children placed for adoption must have the opportunity to be adopted in Korea first. No child is placed for international adoption until the age of 5-months to allow for the possibility that they may remain in their birth country. This child did not have that opportunity.

* The Duquets have completed an international adoption from Korea before. Anyone who is in this program knows all adoptions are facilitated from the three state sanctioned programs. It can be a complicated and cumbersome system at times, but out of the 40 years Korea has been doing IA, their program has been steady and solid. While no system is foolproof, this system seems to work well in preventing/controlling fraudulent adoptions.

* These folks are WAY out of the age limits. Again, you might not agree with the rules, but Korea absolutely has the right to dictate the terms of international adoption. You age out, you are out of luck.

* No one is arguing that the child was not in need of a home or that the Duquet's do not have a suitable home to give her. The Duquet's are arguing that they were following advice from their South Korean lawyer. They believed they were within the law. But supposedly the Duquets had previously spoken with a South Korean orphanage about their age...might they have also consulted about whether their "private" adoption was legal? And again, they were no strangers to the confusing land of international adoption. It seems likely that they thought they had found a loophole in the system and decided to take advantage of it.

* The most upsetting part for me is that this little girl is paying the price for the Duquet's missteps. A doctor has stated the child shows signs of trauma, due to her removal from the family's care. The family cites that trauma as reasons why the child should remain in their custody.

I still have a lot of friends in process right now---the legal process---waiting to bring home their children from Korea. This story has sent shards of fear through that community. Terrified that the Duquet's actions will usher in more severe penalties for those who are law abiding. In the wake of the 2010 case where Artyem Saviliev was returned to Russia by his adoptive mother, which sparked the demand and the subsequent passage of an US ban on adoptions, I don't think this fear is paranoid. The situation couldn't have occurred at a more difficult time.

Law changes in Korean adoption implemented last year and still being sorted out and have stalled the adoption processes for everyone. The courts are sorting out what documentation they require, children are being abandoned by birth mothers due to the new registry requirements, and additional red tape has meant hundreds of children are delayed even further from being placed in their forever homes.

Could this situation mean even more legal wrangling and delays as the government interprets and enacts the new laws?

This quote from a Chicago Tribune story sums it up best:

"Julie Tye, president of The Cradle, an Evanston adoption agency, offered words of warning to families who want to adopt a child from another country.

"If you find a way to do an adoption in a way that no one else seems to have done, you have to ask yourself this question: 'Do I know something that nobody else knows, or do they know something that I don't know?'

"When it comes to adoption, especially international adoption, the path less traveled is probably the one to be avoided," Tye said."

###

Related links:
Evanston couple fights for South Korea adoption {Chicago Tribune}
Evanston couple battling 2 countries over adoption {Chicago Tribune}
South Korea tries to recall US adoption {Christian Science Monitor}

On being two-and-a-half: Life with Mr. Adventure

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 01:37:00 +0000

Seriously, my sweet boy.

How is it possible that you are half-way to three years old? You just had your half-birthday and your old mum is shocked at how quickly you are growing up. Last night your daddy and I watched videos of you from a year ago and I can't believe all the tiny things I had already forgotten.

Life with you is wonderful, crazy, chaotic and joyful. You change daily, and one of the biggest joys I have is being able to discover the world anew with you.

Here's some of the things I love about you right now:

You are a tiny adventurer in a grown-up world. You love to understand just how everything works, both figuratively and literally. One of your favorite questions is "what happened?" which you ask with your eyebrows raised in concern. This question is generally followed with your other favorite..."why"? Followed, inevitably, with several more rounds of "why"?

You are stubborn and determined. Your Daddy says that sounds exactly like someone else he knows. I secretly take pleasure in this.

You continue to amaze us with how much you know. You can count to twenty, know how to sing your ABCs and recognize several letters of the alphabet. You also can name about a half-dozen shapes and point them out when you see them. You know a red light means stop and a green one means go. This makes you our unofficial back-seat police officer.

You talk about Friday alot, telling us "the vacuum is coming on Friday" or "Gus will go poop on Friday". I don't think you have any idea what Friday is. Totally cracks me up.

When you want to be held, you say "want hold you". This makes it impossible to resist your request no matter how full my hands are.

I love how you pronounce chocolate (chock-it), squirt bottle (co-co bayou), and spatula (spashoola).

Potty training is around the corner! You have the hang of going pee on the potty, but you aren't really interested in pooping there. In the middle of playing you will get a stricken look on your face and tell us "no poop" which is code for "I just pooped but I don't want to quit playing so, in case you are wondering, I don't have poop".

You love to organize and match. Sometimes to extremes (you only want all-green dishes for dinner). You love beads (as in Mardi Gras style). You love to cook (both pretend and real). You lavish love on Gus. You get very upset when he runs faster than you. (Hate to break it to you, but four legs are always faster than two.)

You are quite practical and a problem solver. When I told you that your soup was cold, you told me to put it in the microwave. (The fact that you even know the word microwave is amazing to me, much less that you are aware that it's how we heat up food!)

You insist we hold hands at the table before eating meals, and name everyone who is present. Then you throw your hands up in the air exuberantly and shout "eat"! We did not teach you this.

You lead a daily parade around the house, waving flags and insisting that we clap for you as you march by.

You love to jump off things. Very high things. And you land perfectly.

You are emotional and passionate. You can throw a mean tantrum but they don't last long. You are a professional at testing to see exactly what your limits are and if we'll enforce them. (We will.)

You love to be tickled. Depending on the day.

Edamame beans are currently your favorite vegetable. Depending on the day.

You wake us up most mornings, singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, or Happy Birthday. You still sleep in a crib although you've been capable of crawling out for a year. But it's comfy and your safe place and you like it.

You are incredibly bossy. Are developing a sense of humor. And usually repeat everything you hear.

You make us listen to 'Gangnam Style' at least three times a day. Sometimes more.

You can work the iPad and iPhones with shocking ease.

You have an incredibly big heart. You get very concerned when you hear someone crying. You kiss my ouches when I bump myself. You put a protective hand on Daddy's head when he bends over to get toys out of the cupboard so he won't hit his noggin. We find wooden cookies in our shoes, in the dog bowl and in the cat's beds---little treats you leave for us to let us all know you love us.

Well dear, try as I might to perfectly capture all that you are at this age, I can't come close. You continue to grow and what's true today will likely have changed tomorrow. It's such a lovely experience to watch you grow. And I'm a teeny bit excited to see what changes that three-years-old will bring.

But don't go there too quickly, OK?

xo

Mama

Holiday traditions, new and old

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 02:24:00 +0000

Well, I had this great holiday traditions post all ready, and then went and forgot to post it! Ha! So now it's a "here's what we did for our holiday season" post. Enjoy!

Little Man, in awe of the holiday tree.

First off, we are getting a whole new take on having a little guy around. Since there are so many cool things to see and do, we packed in a lot, which made the holiday super sweet. It wasn't about presents...just doing new things together. Loved it!

We kicked off the holiday season by going to the lighting of the Christmas tree at the city center (which happens to be at the mall) with our besties. Kiddos had a blast running around the giant tree (after the crowds died down) and chugged hot chocolate with gusto. We did the same last year and will do it again next year too. Gets us into the holiday spirit!

We also went to our city's holiday parade (held the weekend before Thanksgiving). He loved it! This kid is seriously into parades. He sat perfectly still (freaking miracle!) for nearly 2 hours in the cold. His favorites are the tubas, drums, flag twirlers and candy throwers. It's a must for next year! It's pretty funny because the weekend before we went to the Veteran's Day parade, and the weekend after the Holiday parade we watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. Little Man now believes that parades happen every weekend. If only...

Rudolph!

Because we were in the spirit already, our tree went up the earliest we've ever had it up (some years it never even came out). We have a vintage aluminum tree which I LOVE. Little Man was super great and hardly messed with it. We gave him his own little tree, with tiny lights and ornaments so he could decorate it and play with it as much as he wanted. That seemed to keep him from going after the big tree.

The highlight of our Christmas season was that GG (The Man's mom) came to spend it with us! Super fun! Unfortunately, GG, Little Man and The Man all ended up with colds/flu and other crud. We kept things low-key and stayed home a lot, but we still had a blast sharing our holiday together.

Of course, we visited Santa. We did this last year with the expected results. This year, Little Man was very brave and didn't cry at all! He was holding on pretty tight though. Absolutely we'll do this again. Can't wait to see how he reacts when he's 3!

We had boatloads of Christmas light viewing this season. Little Man really loves it (lighted candy canes are his fave and he screams with delight when he spots them) and it was fun for us all. We found several cool light displays this year. Notably, the infamous Candy Cane Lane, which is comprised of several blocks of houses who decorate and collect funds for kids with cancer. We also made a repeat visit to Country Christmas. Last year we were there with my parents, and this year we got to share it with GG! It's about a bajillion (more or less) light displays set up on a golf course. You drive through them all and listen to Christmas music on their radio channel. The grand finale is this Christmas light tunnel that resembles some psychedelic acid trip (I'm guessing about what a drug trip is like but if the movies portray it correctly, it's a lot like driving in the Christmas light tunnel). Totally awesome.

And...one last Christmas light find. There are two houses in our area that have put together some spectacular light shows that are choreographed to music. Here's a video of one of the songs:

Gus, putting up with his silly Santa hat.

We had our annual pajama party too, this time with GG! We all got new Christmas jammies which we opened on Christmas eve. This year we had matching ones for GG and me, and Little Man and The Man had matching too. When we got up in the AM, we all wore our jammies and opened gifts, and then spent the entire day loafing around. This was partly due to the fact that The Man, Little Man and GG all managed to get some sort of major cold. But it was really fun and relaxing!

Of course, we also did plenty of paper snowflake making, cookie baking, and LOTS of eating.

Not needing to cram in anything else for next year, but if we wanted to do a few more fun things, here's my short list of what to try:

Thinking of printing out this Christmas countdown, where you add a cotton ball to Santa's face each day. When his beard is full, it's Christmas! Love it! (Plus, it's FREE!)

OK, I know I'm probably late to the party, but just learned about the Elf on the Shelf. While I sorta love the idea of having Little Man running out every morning to see where that crazy Elf is hanging out, it also creeps me out having him think that someone is watching him all the time. I always thought Santa was a bit of a pervert for supposedly watching what you do all the time.... maybe it's just me....Anyhoo, the Elf does have an adoption angle which is sort of a nice gateway for adoption discussions. GG was very sweet and bought us one for next year! Here's a link to a cute calendar of activities that we might try.

US adoption ban leaves Russian children and families in limbo

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 03:32:00 +0000

It was 2001. I was on my first international assignment, documenting health issues in rural Russia.

The group of businessmen that I was working with were visiting a Russian orphanage. I dreaded going there. My mind was filled with the awful images I had seen of children housed in filthy Romanian orphanages.

Fortunately, the orphanage we visited wasn't anything like I had imagined. I'd like to pretend that all the orphanages were like this one, but I'm not that naive. There are an estimated 800,000 children in Russia's government-run orphanages. With numbers that high, it's pretty likely that most places are more grim and dismal than the orphanage I saw.

But here is what we saw that day.

The children greeted the visitors in a large open room, and were delighted to play with the small toys their guests had given them: bubbles, bouncy balls, slinkys.

Some of them ran right up and chattered with us. Others, sat off in the distance and watched carefully.

(This was all long before we started down our path as an adoptive family. I knew back then, that I wanted to adopt a child one day, and that our child might live in a place such as this. I'm so glad that I didn't know as much about adoption then as I do now. I surely wouldn't have been able to keep from sobbing as I watched these children play.)

There was one girl who truly touched my heart. I saw her pulling herself up a staircase, hand over hand. One leg would not move well and she was painfully thin. She gave me a sweet and shy smile. And she kept climbing.

I asked about her and learned that she had a kidney disease. Because of the high cost of the medication, they were only about to try and treat her through diet, which wasn't a treatment at all. Medication, readily available in the US., was the only thing that could help prevent more damage. My heart ached for her and I have shed more than a few tears for her, wondering if she ever found a forever home.

Another little boy was all giggles and smiles as he blew giant bubbles for the crowd. A den mother said something to him about his grandmother's upcoming visit, which shocked me. My translator explained that many of the children in the orphanages had parents, but their parents had their rights terminated for a variety of reasons. However, many of the parents and/or other relatives could come and see these children. Most didn't.

I toured the facility and saw the "houses" that the orphanage was arranged into. Each consisted of 10-12 children, in a cluster of rooms organized around the larger "living room". They had two den mothers, one in the day and one at night. There were 2-3 bedrooms where the children slept.

The rooms were warm. They had patchwork quilts on their bed. The children seemed OK.

But as nice as this place was, it was not a home. Not a family.

****

In the decades that the children have been adopted from Russia, over 60,000 of them have been placed in American homes. The numbers have been decreasing each year as all international adoption programs have. In 2011 nearly 1000 children were placed in the U.S.

Tonight I talked with a soon-to-be father who is bringing home two brothers from Russia. He and his wife have been in process for a year and already traveled to Russia once, spending a week with the 3 and 4 year olds. They have a bedroom ready for the boys. Ornaments hung on the Christmas tree with the boys' names. They have new toy bikes waiting for them.

The family was hoping to get their call in December. The call to bring their children home. But their paperwork was delayed. And the judge who was supposed to hear their case took the entire month of December off for vacation. They thought they had to hang on just a little longer.

Instead, the family is now on hold indefinitely. Last week the soon-to-be father was watching the nightly news and learned that Russia had passed a bill in parliament that would ban adoptions of children to the US. It's a big political game, designed to punish the US for a law passed here called the Magnitsky Act which would sanction Russian officials suspected of human rights violations.

Today, President Vladimir Putin signed the bill into law: Russian children are no longer allowed to be adopted to America.

I swear I could feel a collective shudder in the adoption world when news of this broke. Anyone who has braved the international adoption arena knows this fear all too well. The fear that no matter how close you get, how sure it all seems, that you are dealing with countries and red tape and politics and it can all come undone. There are no safety nets. And the countries have every right to do as they please and change rules at any time. But it's crushing to see the casualties of these types of actions.

Media outlets are stating that around 50 US families had adoptions pending and are affected by the ban. The soon-to-be father and his wife are one of that grim number. We talked as he sat on one of the toddler's beds. Stone faced and in disbelief. He has no idea if the two Russian boys he loves will ever come home.

My heart just breaks for these families. And it grieves for those kids who came so close to having the life they deserve.

Russian Adoption Ban Brings Uncertainty And Outrage {NY Times}

Merry Chickmas!

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 02:04:00 +0000

Happy holidays and a Merry ~~Chickmas~~ Christmas! We are enjoying a few days of playing, lounging (the kind where you don't change out of your pajamas all day) tickling, surprises, good food and family. Hope your days are filled with things that make your family happy too!

Love, Cheese Curds and Kimchi

How to feel safe when the world isn't

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 15:53:00 +0000

For the first time, I understood.

I finally know why, in the aftermath of a senseless tragedy people always say "I just want to go home and hug my kids." I felt that for the first time upon hearing about Sandy Hook Elementary School. It was a literal overwhelming need to get in my car and drive to Little Man's school and take him home and hide from the world.

It was awful and I imagine many other parents had the same knot in their stomach that I did.

I managed to finish the rest of the day at work. Afterwards, I picked Little Man up from daycare, took him home and played for a while and waited for The Man to get home. It was our usual routine, but felt so different that night. Instead of dinner and bedtime, we went to Culvers and ate veggie burgers, fries and chocolate shakes. We drove around and looked at Christmas lights. And we wondered, why?

And worse, what if it were us? Too awful to even think about.

I'm glad that Little Man is too young to know what was going on. Too young to ask why someone would want to hurt children. Too young to be afraid that it could happen to him.

But the realist in me knows that unfortunately, there will likely be more of these senseless acts. And one day he will ask why. How would we comfort him? How could we make him feel safe in a world where bad things happen?

I've heard people say that the Sandy Hook tragedy is a reason they want to home school their kids. And a reason to guns in the schools for teachers to use. (Pretty positive the answer is not to have more guns in schools.) What I really hear these parents saying is that they are scared. That hey want to protect their children from the unpredictability of the world.

Yeah, I'd love to do that too. But that isn't the world that we live in. There is no predicting how or when or where or why bad things will happen. They could happen at your home. Or the grocery store. Or a movie theater. Or at a school.

How can we ever protect them from the unknowable? The unpredictable? The unthinkable?

Instead, we are left to find a way to teach our kids to be resilient and strong. To have hope when things seem hopeless.

I come up short on answers about how to do this. This senseless tragedy made me scramble like a crab back to the rock of security. Because being with family and doing things that make us feel safe is really what we seek at a time like this.

And now I finally understand. That's why people always say they want to go home and hug their kids. Why we give them just a few more kisses. Why we pull them onto our laps for an extra snuggle. Why we read just one more night time story.

I'm thankful that we can do these things with our sweet boy tonight.

And heartbroken for those that can't.