Cheese Curds and Kimchi-Our international adoption story

Friday Flotsam: 1.27.2012---Passage of time

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 23:28:00 +0000

January 25, 1992.

Mom woke me gently, shaking me on the shoulder. She whispered, "Wake up. Today's your wedding day."

Could that day really have been 20 years ago? It's quite hard to believe. The passage of time. It is deceivingly slow, creeping by incrementally. But it's always moving. And before you know it, your wedding day has receded into the "long time ago" category.

I wish I could say I remember every minute of that lovely day. But I only recollect bits and pieces. Likely because I was sick as a dog with walking pneumonia and loaded up on gallons of cough syrup and medication.

January 25, 2012

I remember a few fleeting images---getting dressed in the amazing dress that my mother created. (The Man still says it was the prettiest wedding dress he's ever seen.) Feeling the most beautiful I'd ever felt in my life. Holding my dad's arm as we waited outside the church sanctuary. Clinging to both of my parent's arms as the three of us walked down the aisle. Admonishing my mother for laughing as we walked, and then realizing the gasp was really a sob as she cried. (I openly admit that I later realized I was quite a Bridezilla that day, but at the time I didn't think I was.)

And turning the corner and seeing The Man. Staring at his face and trying to process the fact that we'd soon be husband and wife. And attempting not to break into hysterical laughter during the service after we lit a candle together and realized neither of us knew what we were supposed to do next.

But mostly what I can remember is the emotion of the day. We were surrounded by an overwhelming feeling of love and support from all who where there with us that day.

We've had our shares of ups and downs. I can't say that I'm an easy person to live with. We get into ruts, disagree, sometimes even wonder if this is the right relationship for us. But I've grown to be a better person because of this relationship.

And that pledge we took, to be husband and wife, in front of those that we love and care for---I truly meant it when I said it.

I guess it's good that time passes so slowly. It gives me plenty of chances to keep trying to be the wife I'd like to be. Some days I fail miserably. But there is always the next day that I can try again.

Happy anniversary, to a wonderful friend, who always supports me and believes in me. Looking forward to the next 20 years!

To laugh: While Mama was in the bathroom (Episode 1)

To commiserate: To The Mother With Only One Child

To play: Top 10 play dough recipes from 2011

To be happy: 20 Ways to Get Good Karma

Sweet Naleigh Moon

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:29:00 +0000

Sniff. Love a good adoption story! And the song is pretty sweet too.

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;gt;http://youtu.be/7XnnjwIwxes</p>

Josh Kelley performs Naleigh Moon

Sick day

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:51:00 +0000

Ick.

We've all got the ick. And it won't go away.

Today Little Man and I are home together on a sick day. We've been fighting the ick around here since Thanksgiving. At that time, he'd had congestion and a nasty cough for weeks. After the third visit to the doctor they finally treated him for a sinus infection.

Antibiotics seemed to clear things up until just before Christmas. On Christmas Eve we went to urgent care. Congestion was back. So was the fever and now he was messing with his ears. Double ear infection.

Again, antibiotics. Things improved right away and stayed that way, until we went off the meds. A few days later, congestion and the nasty cough were back. And he was messing with his ears again.

Back to the doctor. And again, another ear infection. More antibiotics too.

Grr.

So we are both hanging at home. Just a couple of sickies. (LM always shares his colds with mommy!)

Hope to get over this ick soon. We have new snow pants and want to go out and play!

Parenting inspiration

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

I won't lie. I find parenthood difficult. It's the hardest I've ever done in my life. (Next to being married. That's darn hard too.)

Don't get me wrong. I'm deliriously happy that our family is finally together. And that boy makes my heart smile. And his belly laugh positively melts me. I never imagined that once LM came home it would be all baby-infused bliss (you know I'm much more of a realist than that!).

But it's no walk in the park either. How come the things that can make you happiest aren't always rainbows and butterflies and cotton candy and bubbles and hand-blended margaritas? OK, maybe the last one is unique to my list of things that make me happy.

Most of the time I'm very thankful to be a mama. I've learned a lot about myself in the past few months, both good and bad. I know becoming the mom I'd like to be is a progression.

We are all still adjusting and learning how to live with one another. Yes, it can be physically draining and emotionally exhausting. (There are many more blog posts to come on these topics, I'm sure.) Despite it all, there are also moments when I can step outside of the work and appreciate the amazing life that I have been gifted with.

But other times...damn. Some days it's hard to see the warm fuzzy side of parenthood. Somedays I'm not even sure he likes me.

This push and pull makes me a bit crazy. And you know when that mama-guilt spies a crack in the armor, it pushes it's way to the frontlines, lickety-split. You should be so happy now. Nothing should ever make you sad again now that your baby is home. Why can't you just look like those families you see in the J Crew catalogs? I'll bet those moms love to change diapers and deal with screaming toddlers. They probably manage to take a shower every day, too. And their hair is perfect.

I'm hoping I'm not the only one that feels like this sometimes. I'm about 68.2% sure I'm not the only one. I just keep at it each day, trying to be the mom that this little boy needs. I'm feeling a little bit sorry for myself right now but really, it's OK. There are tough patches, and anything worth doing is usually hard to do.

And this is definitely worth doing.

***

In the off chance that there are a few of you out there who get overwhelmed at times, here's a few links to some awesome posts that have given me a pick-me-up lately.

2011 Lesson #2: Don't Carpe Diem {Momastery}

When parenting means steering into the skid {Simple Mom}

I don't want my children to be happy {It's almost naptime!}

Korean picture book with English translations

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 15:39:00 +0000

{image credit}

Just found these Korean picture book printables at Koko Living. You can print the pages and if you can read Hangul, learn the words for the pictures.

However, for those not up to speed in Hangul, the lovely ladies at Koko Living have also converted the words to phonetic English translations!

We are going to print these out and laminate them. Now we can learn some of the Korean words right along with Little Man.

Thanks, Koko Living!

Friday Flotsam: 1.6.2012

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:21:00 +0000

Can't believe how fast kids learn things! Here are some of the things that Little Man learned this week (at least all that I can recall in my pre-coffee haze this morning):

how to blow a harmonica
how to open the garbage can (step on the pedal)
how to climb on top of the dining table (not allowed!)
how to turn the lamp in his bedroom on and off
how to "give kisses" (he just leans forward and lets you do all the work)

Tomorrow he will be 18-month-old! But he seems so much more like a toddler these days...sniff.

Sending you off with one of my favorite videos to watch lately. So well produced and so creative!

The Alphabet 2 from n9ve on Vimeo.

Have a super weekend.

*****************

To understand: Inside a toddler's brain

To give: Foodie gifts to give

To laugh: Damn you auto correct

To consider: Some Asian students don't identify as Asian for college admissions

To store for next year: DIY Ornament storage

Our First Christmas Extravaganza

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:15:00 +0000

The First Christmas tree.

It was December 21 and we were about to commit our first big parenting fail. (I'm sure there have fails recently, but this was the first huge one.) We were totally unprepared for Little Man's first Christmas.

Christmas had snuck up on us---lost in the blur of December that included the death of The Man's father at the beginning of the month, the week of fun we had with my parents' visit, and the high of Little Man's finalization.

My parents had just returned back to the west coast and I realized, oh crap, Christmas is in 4 days. And with that realization, a bit of panic set in.

I've been battling the 'first' since LM came home. The entire year has been full of firsts and I've tried to document them all and felt the pressure to make each big, amazing and awesome. You know...make each worthy of a Norman Rockwell moment.

But I haven't managed that at all this year. We were still trying to recover from the s~~hock~~ joy of being parents. And dealing with jetlag. And lack of sleep. And a teething toddler. The list goes on.

We didn't go see fireworks on the 4th of July. And when his first birthday rolled around just two-months after he arrived, I felt terrible that I didn't have a lot of energy to throw a huge party. We had a small, casual one instead. (I just remembered that I never did blog about that. Guess I have more catching up to do.)

Halloween was nearly a bust but The Man saved the day by acquiring a costume days before the big night. LM sobbed through our Chuseok dinner, making that first a bust. And he slept through Thanksgiving dinner, so that wasn't picture perfect either.

So, the First Christmas...it was my last chance to redeem myself. My last chance to finally feel the satisfaction of celebrating a first in grand style. And the First Christmas is evidently a freaking huge deal. Everyone keeps asking about it. What are you doing for LM's First Christmas? Any big plans for the First Christmas??

First Christmas=lots of pressure.

I completely realize that he won't remember this Christmas at all. But we will. And I have the need to create a perfect holiday with perfect memories and picture-perfect photos of our First Christmas Extravaganza. (Hereby known as the FCE.)

Hello Type-A Mommy.

We pulled out the Christmas tree on December 23, after much debate over whether LM would try to eat some of the aluminum "needles" on our vintage 1950's aluminum tree or string ornaments all over the house. But holiday tradition prevailed. Tree was installed, sans ornaments. Miraculously, 1) tree has not been tipped over, and 2) no aluminum has been ingested. We didn't manage any other decorations, but the silver tree did wonders.

Giant gingerbread man.

I also managed to secure some actual presents for the wee child. Thank goodness for the wonderful local toy store! We have always said we wouldn't become one of "those" parents who give their kids a ridiculous amount of toys for Christmas. But there were so many things I knew he would enjoy! I kept it to a minimum though, and our FCE was starting to look salvageable.

We tried to figure out a few traditions. Have you ever tried to start a tradition? Freaking unnatural!

We went to the town lighting of the Christmas tree earlier in the month. (Definitely on the list for next year.) Drove through the drive-thru Christmas display at a local resort. (On the list.) Decorated a huge gingerbread man on Christmas Eve to leave for Santa. (On the list.) Opened our holiday pajamas on Christmas Eve. (Not on the list! Was a pain to find holiday pajamas and LM peed through them before Christmas morning anyway.)

So the FCE finally arrived. We got up super early, as LM always does. And we all stayed in our PJs for the entire day. Love that! We opened presents slowly, throughout the day. He wasn't hurried or rushed and played with each for a while after opening it. Then, later on, he'd wander over to the tree and discover there were still presents there, and he'd start again. Since we didn't have anywhere to be, that worked out just fine with us.

Unwrapping presents is serious work.

His favorite gift--a child's broom.

During our video chat with Grandma and Grandpa he opened some of their gifts. That was a fun way for them to be able to see him in action. And, in the afternoon, we ate our holiday meal. Which he was awake and happy for. (Shocker!)

Chatting with Grandma and Grandpa.

It was really, really nice.

There was only one snag. Being the photographer of the family, we have boatloads of great photos of The Man and Little Man together on Christmas Day. But nary a one of me and him. I realized that after LM was in bed, and I cried. Stupid thing to get upset about, but I felt sad that when we look back on it in 5 years there won't be any photos of me with him on this lovely day. After all, it was our first.

We also didn't take a family photo on Christmas Day. Doh! So, on the day after Christmas Day, we took our family portrait.

The day after Christmas photo.

Maybe that's our new tradition? The day-after Christmas photo. Works for me, I guess. Gives me time to get showered and dressed and all Norman Rockwell worthy.

Catching up: Finalization!

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 16:09:00 +0000

WARNING: This is a really, really big post.

Little Man!

Our hugest news of December. (Drumroll please.) Our long-awaited finalization! He's finally and officially, OUR SON. Which means we can finally share photos of our family! So...I introduce to you...Little Man!

December 19 was our big day. My parents came out to celebrate with us. The finalization was in the middle of their visit and we had an awesome time doing lots of classic Wisconsin holiday things. So great to share this special time with them! They had insisted on being here and I'm glad they did. I didn't really think it was going to be a big deal---it just seemed like a mere formality since he had been home for months.

But as the day grew closer, I got more and more excited about it. I realized that for the past 7 months I felt like I couldn't breathe deeply. I had this tiny seed of fear inside that something unexpected and ridiculous could happen and this whole life with LM would just disappear. I didn't obsess about it or anything, but it was there.

And it was a constant reminder that it wasn't a done deal yet as we've spent these 6-months doing our scheduled social worker visits, reports to our agency, sending the required photos and paperwork in, using both his Korean name and American name for things (insurance, plane tickets, etc).

The Man, keeping LM entertained.

So, the day went like this. We arrived at Children's Court an hour early (because we were all nervous and excited and terrified of being late). Children's Court is not an especially nice place to hang out because the other folks waiting there are usually for unhappy reasons. They are waiting to go into court to 1) try and get their children back from foster care, or 2) having their parental rights terminated. Lots of examples of sad/bad parenting.

We were witness to some of that ugly stuff during the 2+ hours of waiting. Our judge was running very late, and at one point, the bailiff came over to a family seated across from us and had words with the family. The two-year-old was screaming her head off and her mother was screaming right back at her. The mother said all sorts of shocking things to the child (lots of expletives) and handled her children roughly. The officer told her that someone was going to end up in custody. It was an ugly scene and my heart ached for the two children she had with her. I couldn't sleep that night, wondering how they were being treated when the eyes of the law were not there to witness and protect.

We spent the time chasing Little Man around the court waiting area and trying to keep him entertained. Our judge was running very late and as 5 p.m. approached (the time the courts closed) we started to get worried that our case wouldn't get heard.

Finally, they called us! Our best friend, Mike, was there to document the day. (Thank you, Mike!)

The Judge, getting acquainted with Little Man.

We couldn't have asked for a better judge. He was wonderful and kind, and made the celebration that much more enjoyable. He said that he'd had a long and difficult day, and that our case made it worth it. As a side note about our judge, he was extremely casual. In fact, he was so casual that he was wearing his biking clothing under his robe and said he hadn't bothered to change at all since biking in that morning. And when we left the court, we saw him on his bike, riding home!

So, first thing Judge did was to get acquainted with LM. He brought him a teddy bear and chatted him up. LM was slightly entertained. But mostly he was getting fussy since he had missed his naptime. The judge hopped back behind his desk and got things underway.

He asked everyone present to give their names and relationship to us/LM. Then he asked our social worker to take the stand and testify about LM's case and what type of people we were. All the questions are very light and were along the lines of "is there any doubt that he would be cared for and loved." No doubts!

Had to break out the pacifier to keep him from crying.

Then, The Man went up and testified. By then, LM was getting a bit squawky. Nothing I did could keep him amused and I couldn't really pay attention to what The Man was saying. Thank goodness for the video coverage! I do remember watching The Man and hearing the emotion in his voice. He looked so proud up there and so happy.

By now, LM is really starting to cry. My parents were seated at the table behind me and Little Man really wanted to be held by Grandpa. He was reaching for him and my Dad asked if I wanted him to take him. Right then, the judge asks if Grandpa would like to bring Little Man up to sit at Judge's desk and hit the gavel for the reading of the final adoption decree.

It was super awesome. I wish I had other words to describe that moment. It was mayhem, joy, relief---all at once. Dad was doing his best to keep LM from demolishing Judge's laptop with the gavel. LM was swinging the gavel all over, clocking my Dad in the process. The Judge was trying to read the adoption decree, and noticed that LM's nose was running, so Judge takes a tissue and wipes LM's nose. The Man and I are standing together and laughing at the whole thing.

Grandpa, trying to keep LM from whacking Judge's computer with the gavel.

And with a whack of the gavel (actually LM whacked the gavel several times), it was done. LM raised both arms in the air and screamed "yay". Everyone was smiling and hugging. NWe shot some quick photos and that was that. He is forever, our son.

Finally final!

It seems like a lifetime to get to this point. Emotionally it's been a very long journey, but I know time-wise, we have been incredibly lucky. We began the process January of 2010, submitted our home study to Korea on September 30, 2010. And now, it's hard to imagine our lives without him. (Although I can imagine getting a full night of sleep! But that will come, right?)

The closure of finalization is a relief, but it's hard to shed that feeling that we've lived with for two years---that there is always something you have to get done or a next step you need to complete before you can become a family. I can't believe that those steps are finally done! There's just a little more paperwork to complete. Birth certificates, social security cards, certificate of citizenship...I'm sure I'm missing something more. But the stuff that makes us an official family---it's finally done.

Slowly, I'm starting to breathe deeply.

Goodbye to Grandpa

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 05:05:00 +0000

Lone hot rod. © Cheese Curds and Kimchi

OK. I promised a post to catch you all up, but that would be a freaking novel. So, I'm breaking this up into pieces.

First, I told you a bit about The Man's father, Grandpa. I have written about him HERE and HERE. It was about 4 1/2 years ago when he was first diagnosed with dementia and the progress of his disease was swift.

The Man's mother was amazing through this whole process. Grandpa had always taken care of the bills, autos, driving, etc. As he lost his ability to do those things, Grandma took on the added responsibilities, in addition to caring for him.

One of the most impressive things she did, at least in my view, was learning to drive. She could drive, of course, but she learned to drive Grandpa-style. He had a passion for traveling and could drive 10 hours or more a day without fatigue. They traveled all over the country in their motorhome for years. He took care of everything car-related in their household. Up to the point of his illness, I don't believe Grandma had even filled her gas tank before.

When it became apparent that Grandpa should no longer drive, Grandma picked up where he left off. She learned to drive in inclement weather. She navigated mountain passes. She drove all over Washington and Oregon to keep up with visiting family. And for two summers she made the 2,000 mile drive between Washington to Wisconsin so we could continue our annual summer visit tradition. He loved being on the road and she wanted him to enjoy that as long as he could. Her dedication to him and ability to tackle new things (keep in mind, she's 70-something...) was awe inspiring.

****************

We found out the day before Thanksgiving that Grandpa wasn't doing well. He'd been living in a memory care facility for the past 11 months. His disease had progressed to a point that it was impossible to care for him at home anymore, although Grandma continued to spend her days with him at his new home.

The Man headed to Washington right away, and I followed with LM four days later. We ended up staying there for two weeks.

December 3 was Grandpa's last day with us. He died the day before his 75th birthday. His final days were spent surrounded by family, all sharing stories about our years together. I know he would have loved that. Perhaps that's why he took his time leaving. He always did love a good party.

For me, one of the hardest moments was bringing LM into Grandpa's room. Grandpa was unconscious by then, and LM was a bit confused why this man was laying down and not talking. It was the first time that the two had met. The Man held LM near Grandpa, and LM reached out to pat his hand. I wish Grandpa could have seen what a great father his son is. He would be so proud.

When Grandpa was ready to let go, he went gently and quietly.

We are doing OK. Although we all saw this day ahead of us for months, it still catches you by surprise. It's the finality that shocks your heart. The knowing that you won't see him again, hear his laughter again. Acknowledging our loss is what makes this so difficult. But knowing that he is at last at peace, no longer tormented as the memory of who he was and his family faded from his mind.

It's also difficult not to be able to share the greatest joy in our life with him. I never really thought about how much it means to share your child with others. But watching your parents create a relationship with your child changes and deepens your relationship with them. I wonder what LM and Grandpa's relationship would have been like?

In the days since his passing we were busy planning for his memorial service. Grandpa was a well known person and beloved teacher in our small home town--we surmised that the small church he attended may not have enough room to hold all the attendees of the service. We were right. Nearly 400 people crowded the high school gymnasium for his memorial service. It's the only building in town big enough, and it's also a place where Grandpa spent countless hours cheering on students for the past 20 years. He was a high school sports supporter to the core and continued to attend every basketball and football game, and a fair amount of wrestling matches, long after his children had already graduated from high school.

The service was lovely. Both of his sons spoke, and we had a sharing time where people came and told stories about him. A difficult proposition when you are feeling the sharp pangs of loss, but it was a wonderful tribute. He was a very funny man, and it was interesting that the stories his sons and others shared were filled with lots of humor.

He would have liked that.

Catching up: family time

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:11:00 +0000

Part II on the catch up posts. Been trying to get this stuff down before I forget, but not enough hours in the day lately!

These past few weeks have been exhausting and tough. But there were also unexpected wonderful highlights. The biggest change for me has been my new understanding of our family and being able to see them in a new light.

(A little background: The Man and I are from the same small hometown. Both of our parents still live there. We moved away in 1994 and since then, haven't stayed more than a week at a time. This visit, although for sad reasons, granted us two solid weeks of family time. It's made it all the more apparent that we need to find a way to see them more often. It's also left me feeling terribly homesick.)

This was Little Man's first time meeting most of our family. We hadn't made the cross-country trek yet (couldn't bear to travel again!) so he'd only met a handful of folks (my parents and The Man's mother/brother/family) who had come out to Milwaukee. He had yet to meet the rest of the huge clan and he did it with his usual unabashed style. He is rarely shy and if he is, it only lasts a few minutes before his curiosity gets the better of him.

He jumped into things very quickly. He's a coper, that's for sure!

He seemed to recognize and be immediately comfortable with my parents. (We iChat every weekend--guess that really helps!) He especially loved hanging out with my dad, AKA his Papa. (Could it be because Papa lets him get away with everything???) Grandma tried to steal as many kisses as possible, which he didn't mind.

LM also LOVED spending time with his cousin. She's actually his second-cousin, I think (what do you call your niece's kid?) and she's only 5-months older than him. They are a lot alike. Both super high energy and love to run. It was so fun to watch the two of the together! I think they wore grooves in the flooring from the kajillion circles they made around the living room.

Lots of my family came to my parents to see LM over the course of the two weeks. And on The Man's side, tons of family were coming into town for Grandpa's final days, so there were many people to meet at the other Grandma's house too.

So many great memories from these past few weeks: the overwhelming happiness I'd feel to see LM sitting contentedly on my dad's lap; the joy on LM's face as he jumped into the melee of cousins doing sprints around the house; watching the adult cousins patiently follow him through his tours of the nursing home (and give us a much-needed break!); watching great-grandpa perch on the edge of a chair so he could play some game LM made up with the coasters (to which we never really understood the rules); seeing LM pat the hand of Grandpa during his final days; I could go on and on. He loved the cacophony of family at The Man's home too, and had a blast with his teen cousins who doted on him.

I learned the pride a mama feels as she shares her children with the world, and especially with family. I'd never really felt that before. I loved sharing the joy that is Little Man. His smile lights up a space, or as his great-grandmother says "he has a smile that could melt snow." I felt such a feeling of happiness to see the excitement of our family as they got to know him.

I can't stop thinking about this since we've been home. I saw sides of my family members that I hadn't seen before---maybe because I was seeing them through LM's perspective. But I believe that seeing how people treat your child gives you more insight to who they are.

Mostly though, I realized that LM's relationships with each person in our family are unique. And to watch those relationships grow is one of the gifts of parenthood. We wouldn't have been able to watch that happen if we weren't home for such a long period of time.

As much as LM belongs to our family (theoretically speaking---I don't mean it like we own him or anything), I begin to understand that they also belong to to him. They will help him learn and grow and experience life in ways that we can't. Each person he spends time with adds more to his understanding/love of our large family, but also contributes to who we are as an immediate family.

That realization makes me start to acknowledge something--being so far away from our family is going to be even more difficult now that we are a threesome.

So, even though our time home was sad, I left there feeling full. Knowing that Little Man was loved. By so many. Truly loved. And welcomed. And that means everything to me.

Finally finalizing!

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 18:08:00 +0000

I've been bad. Yes. Very bad.

There's so much to tell you all about. I just haven't had a minute to do it.

But I will soon. Promise.

Today, all you need to know is that we are finally finalizing! We are so very thrilled and excited and joyous. Words can't begin to explain how I feel about this. About being officially belonging to such a wonderful and fantastic little boy.

But I can't do it now. Because I still have hours to go before court and I'm already crying.

Will share all the details soon!

Friday Flotsam 12.2.2011

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:18:00 +0000

He tears down the hallway, dodging an unused walker parked against the wall. He turns the corner and the room echos with the "clop clop clop" sound of his shoes slapping against the tile. He lets out a squeak of joy, the smile spread wide across his face as he approaches their table.

He stops fast and shoots his hand up above his head, giving his signature wave. He looks from person to person, as if he's greeting each one personally.

Slowly, the gray heads lift. They turn away from their lunch trays filled with soft food, and look for the source of the commotion.

Their eyes widen. They reach out their knarled hands to him. Some begin to coo at him. And then smiles spread over their faces too.

It's a magical moment to see the very old respond to the very young.

************************

We've spent the past several days at a home for memory impaired people where The Man's father has lived for the past year. He was diagnosed four years ago with severe dementia, likely Alzheimer's, and now this vibrant, loving, and joyful man is at the final days of his life.

The Man flew out on Friday. Little Man and I joined him on Tuesday. (I won't go into the details on our travels other to to say it involved cancelled flights, an exhausted toddler, and a fair share of screaming. But we made it.) The return to our hometown has been difficult for the obvious reasons.

But it has also been joyous.

It's the first time that our extended family have met Little Man. And the first time for him to meet his Grandpa on daddy's side. While we are with Grandpa at the nursing facility, The Man's family gets to spend time with our Korean tornado. And when we go home, my side of the family is enjoying him. (For those of you that didn't know, The Man and I are both from the same small town.) He has met his cousins (there are 4 other 1-year-olds in our family!) and they've had rollicking good times. Little Man has been beaming from ear-to-ear.

There's also been joy as I've seen our son's outgoing personality bring smiles to the other residents who live at Grandpa's nursing facility. He's quite a social butterfly and he loves to run through the dining area at lunchtime, waving, smiling, and occasionally, handing toys to people. I admit that I would love him to be a bit more reserved with strangers and clingy (I know that's my attachment issue and not his) but I also admire his confidence and am proud of it.

I'm learning more about how Little Man and I work together as mother and child. Sometimes in their excitement the residents approach Little Man a little too forcefully (several women have attempted to pick him up or take him from my arms). He isn't an outwardly expressive child and he wouldn't cry or throw a fit if they were to pick him up. But I know his signs of stress---they are subtle. Signs that I have learned in these past 6-months. I step in to shield him from their embrace or politely refuse to let them hold him. He seems to relax more, knowing that I am there to keep him safe.

And there's also been joy in some of his milestones this week. He also started signing to us---he uses the word 'please' often. Occasionally he'll do 'more'. We knew he could do them, but he's just stubborn and refused. So it's really great that he's finally chosen to communicate!

And he's started calling me Mama. Not sure if it was his stubborn nature or he just didn't know what to call me, but he hasn't called me that in all the months he's been home. These past few days he's started saying it! When he's crying. Or happy. Or wants something. He doesn't say it alot yet, but I wasn't prepared for how deeply this would touch me each time I hear it.

This is such a bittersweet time at home for us. We experience these joys as we wait for such a sorrowful moment. Grandpa hasn't passed yet, but we know it's a matter of time. Until then, we stay with him, surrounding him with love.

I suppose an upside to death is that it helps the living remember the fragility of our lives. Today I am reminded not to hold on too tightly to the fears in life. To enjoy the small successes.

And to take time to marvel at the brilliance of a small child at the beginning of their life, reaching out to those at the end of theirs.

**********************

To play: How to make bathtub puffy paint

To decorate for the holidays: Ditto

To keep them entertained: 25 indoor activities to keep your toddler occupied this winter

To splunk: Make a cave

To remember: Savor it anyway

To be Superfly: Give little shoes the superhero treatment

To eat! Tofu Jeon

A little holiday humor

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Note to self--make sure LM is not holding a balloon sword when he gets his photo taken with Santa, like in THIS photo.

(awkward family photos)

This message brought to you by Sophia

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Out of the mouth of a babe. Sweet little girl with a sweet message.

Be Kind

Friday Flotsam: 11.25.2011

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 15:03:00 +0000

Feeling a bit lonely today. I won't go into all the particulars right now, but The Man had to hop a flight out of town this morning to be with his family on the west coast. His father is seriously ill, and his health has taken a sharp turn for the worse. We decided that we could only send one of us home at this time, which was a really difficult decision. We did some quick juggling and scheduled a flight (no easy feat on a holiday weekend) and The Man left very early this morning.

So, Little Man and I are staying here for the time being. But it's tough. I wish we could be there together as a family. I wish that Grandpa could meet LM, and an even bigger dream would be that he would understand that LM is our son.

I would love to hold Grandpa's hand and whisper to him that I was going to try and sneak him an Oreo, just like we always used to do.

And I'd give Grandma a big hug.

Little Man is missing his daddy tonight. It's going to be a long, long week without him.

*******************
To remember there are many ways to family: Two roads (this is an excellent piece on the attachment process!)

To know your family: Family names: reading and writing the ones we love

To laugh: Thanksgiving Turkey

To countdown: Baby Sock Advent Calendar

To grow up: Thanksgiving as a kid vs. Thanksgiving as an adult

To feed the child's creative mind: Creativity matters (free e-book)

I'm thankful for....poopy diapers!

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving!

Twenty years ago (holy crap) I wasn't married yet. The Man and I were engaged and our wedding was happening two months after Thanksgiving. He was in the Navy and stationed about 4 hours from where I lived and all of our family was. Because he had to work that day, he wasn't able to come home for the holiday. So I went to him.

It was the first time I was away from my family for a holiday. It was strange. But wonderful. I roasted a Cornish game hen (first and last time I ever did that) and managed to make a nice meal for us. It was really special and we decided then that Thanksgiving would be our holiday---one that we set aside just for us to celebrate our life together and to give us a way to connect before the busy holiday season.

And we've done that for the (almost) 20 years we've been married. Things have changed significantly in those years. We've lived in 8 different houses, 7 different towns, and 3 different states. We've both changed careers. Our views on religion and politics have transformed. We are both vegetarians.

And we are now parents! Sort of mind boggling to think of all the changes we've been through together.

Yesterday I cooked up a feast with a Tofurky taking center stage instead of Cornish game hens. (I am actually working today so we celebrated Thanksgiving a day early.) The Man kept Little Man entertained for hours while I made the feast. While I chopped and stirred and cooked I thought about things that I am thankful for. This year's list was especially long. It's easy to guess ~~what~~ who was at the top of it!

I kept thinking about this blog post from Future Mama at Expecting A Blessing who shared this family tradition:

'Growing up, our family had a Thanksgiving tradition where we went around the table and said something that we normally viewed as a burden, but that was in fact a blessing. My favorite one to use was "I'm thankful for a dirty litter box, because it means we have a cat."'

So it got me thinking of a list of my own. Here goes:

I'm thankful for poopy diapers to change, because that means our son is home.

I'm thankful for tantrums--it's how LM tells me exactly what he needs.

I'm thankful for things not being put away because it means I am married to The Man. :)

I'm thankful for dealing with iChat glitches and dropped cell calls because it means we can stay in touch with our family.

I'm thankful for dirty dishes because it means we are eating well.

I'm thankful to get up early, because it means I get to do a job that I love.

Hope your Turkey (or Tofurky) day is awesome!

Korean drumming group!

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Finally got around to downloading this. The University of Wisconsin-Madison has a great group of Korean drummers called Ulssu. They performed for our adoption group's Chuseok celebration.

Here's a quick snippet of video. Aren't they great?!

Things are moving again in the Korean adoption world

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 19:18:00 +0000

It's been a long summer for many families in the Korean adoption community. After the government halted the EP distribution back in June, many families were unable to bring their children home. Some agencies also temporarily stopped making referrals. A few EPs were released in August, but overall it seemed that all the agencies had very little movement.

So it's been a long summer without much good news about families being matched or united.

Until now...

In the past month, have heard of several families who are traveling to bring their little ones home. And this week, in one of my adoption support groups, two different families received referrals! Wahoo! (Read Amy's referral story HERE. And read April's story HERE--she's actually in Korea right now to bring home her twins!)

Hopefully things will continue to progress smoothly for other families who are still waiting. We have our fingers crossed for two families in particular (Heather and Christy, you know we are in your corner!)

With all the uncertainty about the future of Korea's adoption program, it's great to know things are at least moving again. Still no definitive answers on how Korea's new rules might change the process. And the latest statistics about international adoption in the US reflect the changes in many other countries regarding their adoption programs. It's a challenging time for international adoption.

Here's a few more links with current news regarding Korea's international adoption program and the state of international adoption in general.

Will Korea end limits on overseas adoptions? {Korea Herald}

In defense of adoption {Korean Quarterly}

Foreign adoptions by Americans plunge again {Atlanta Journal-Constitution}

Friday Flotsam: 11.18.2011

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 18:35:00 +0000

I came across one of my favorite stories from This American Life. It's the amazing story of the Solomon family. They adopted a 7-year-old child from a Romanian orphanage, and then spent years struggling to teach him what love is. And how to receive it. And how to give it. (You can listen to their story HERE. It starts about 9 minutes into the show.)

The Solomons argue that they were not teaching their son Alix what love is. They say their goal was to create attachment with their son. But since love and attachment are intricately connected, I imagine it really doesn't matter which thing they were aiming for. Once you have one, the other is sure to follow.

When I first listened to the story last year, Little Man wasn't home yet, and I can recall the heaviness in my heart as I heard the story. The Solomons' experiences with Alix were terrifying to me at the time. Not being able to connect with our son and build a strong attachment was one of my deepest fears (still is), and learning the lengths these two parents would go to, to help their son attach seemed very overwhelming.

I not only feared that we might have the same experience as they did. I also feared that I wouldn't be as strong and determined as they were.

When I listened to the story again yesterday, I still felt that heaviness in my chest that accompanies my deep fears. This surprised me a bit. I had thought that because LM was home, this story wouldn't be as difficult to listen to. But it was.

I realized that it wasn't Alix's behavior that was scaring me. It was the struggle of the parents to connect to their child, and learning that despite their best efforts, they weren't able to break through to him. That is hard for me. To realize that sometimes you do everything right, and everything possible, but the outcome might still not be what you want.

Listening to the story now, after becoming a parent, it resonates even more strongly for me. In no way does our relationship with LM resemble the Solomon's story. But the thread of the story is similar. We want to create a loving and close relationship with our son.

I sat on the floor, watching LM run around the room while I listened to the close of the story. My eyes filled with tears when it ended. Good tears, because this is a good story. And it had a happy ending.

Then I felt a tiny hand on my shoulder. I turned to see my sweet LM. He gave me a little grin and then zipped away again. A small moment between us. Our relationship is still new enough that those little gestures make giant marks on my heart.

I know we are slowly getting there. Some days are definitely better than others. We waited so long to begin our lives together that it's left me quite impatient. But we just keep plodding ahead. One small gesture at a time.

Go listen to the story. What does it say to you?

(http://www.thisamericanlife.org/play_full.php?play=317)

Have a great weekend!

***********************

To eat a sweet (and healthy) treat: Frozen Yogurt Banana Pops-A healthy dessert for toddlers (and their grown ups)

To document: Wobbly Teeth (Tooth-loss chart)

To remember bits of Korea: Exploring Gyeongdong Market: Red rice and dried lizards

To merge the past and present: Back To The Future 2 (go check this out...it's super cool!)

To keep an eye on: Fewer Babies Available For Adoption by U.S. Parents

To learn: Children of Cuba Remember Their Flight To America

L: Help bring a Serbian prince to his forever family

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Just stumbled across this great blog, Adventures of Axel and Ianna.

Their story is great and they are adopting a 7-year-old boy from Belgrade to join their family of four. 'L' also has Down Syndrome, as do their other two children. I love their blog and am excited for them to finally be united with 'L'.

It's also quite interesting to learn more about their process, as it's quite different from Korea's. They have accepted a referral, but do not yet know their son's given name, haven't seen his face yet, and do not even know the full condition of his health. They have a tentative date to meet 'L' on Nov. 21st.

They are in the final days of fundraising to bring 'L' home, and are raffling off a Nikon 3100 camera kit to raise the last $1500 they need. The raffle ends midnight, Nov. 15. Raffle tickets are $20 each. Click HERE to hop on over and help bring this family together!

(http://myianna.blogspot.com/2011/11/camera-giveaway-nikon-d3100.html)

Friday Flotsam (on a Monday): Veterans, finalization and World Orphan Day

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 16:08:00 +0000

Holy smokes. I have been working on the Friday post for about 10 days. And still, I didn't manage to get it posted on Friday. Argh. Things have been ridiculously crazy here.

So, a belated Happy Veterans Day! Especially thinking of my Dad, all three grandfathers, father-in-law and husband today. So proud of them all for their service. There are assorted other cousins, and uncles who were in the service as well. Funny, but I never really thought about our family being one with a military history, but I guess we are!

Also notable, was the 11th marked the six-month anniversary of our big plane trip from Korea. I sort of have mixed feelings about this. To be very honest, we are still working on attachment, and some part of me thought we'd be way past that by now. I know attachment is a long process. But it still bums me out.

I cringe when I hear other adoptive moms talking about how they and their child started to bond instantly, and remind myself that everyone has their own journey. I'm not sure I really believe that "instantly" thing, and wonder if some adoptive parents are seeing their children through rose-colored glasses and perhaps aren't aware of the signs of struggle their kids might be having. (I admit that I'm jealous of these stories though!) It sounds a bit unrealistic to me. But I try not to compare our lives to others. I only know what our journey has been, and it has been a slow process.

We did have a lovely weekend. Short, but lovely. On Friday night we went to a tree lighting event that was really fun. Hung out with our best friends and their sweetie, B. Goofed off on Saturday with the fam before I had to work. Made pancakes on Sunday morning. And then went to a friends baby shower (solo!) which was really nice.

I realized how rarely I get away for a few hours to myself, and have to admit that I felt a little guilty about it. I found I was anxious to return, and kept wondering LM and his daddy were doing. It was good to be away for a bit though. When I got home, we all had a good play session outside. Nothing fantastic this weekend....just hanging.

Saturday we received some of our finalization paperwork. We are still awaiting one more piece of paperwork from the state and then we can set our court date. Yay! Getting so close now.

And, finally, today is World Orphan's Day. I have never liked the word 'orphan'. And it positively breaks my heart to think of LM ever described that way. I guess I think of him as 'displaced' before we were matched with him. He had a family---we just hadn't found him yet.

Fortunately in LM's life, he was always loved and cared for. We are thankful for that (thank you SWS!) and today, I hope that some of the world's other 145 million orphans grow to know the love of a family too.

***********************

To find family: World Orphans Day

To remind them you love them: 143

To eat! Chocolate Caramel Apple Cookies

To get out of your head and into your body: How to get out of your head

To help bridge the gap: Parent education: Social Coaching Tips

To pottytrain: Free Superhero Potty Training Chart

Presidential Proclamation for National Adoption Month

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:02:00 +0000

{source}

Love this quote from President Obama's proclamation for National Adoption Month:

"The decision to adopt a child has brought profound joy and meaning into the lives of Americans across our country. Parents are moved to adopt for reasons as unique and varied as the children they embrace, but they are unified by the remarkable grace of their acts. Adoptive families come in all forms. With so many children waiting for loving homes, it is important to ensure that all qualified caregivers are given the opportunity to serve as adoptive parents, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or marital status."

The only point I might differ with him on, is that there is grace in the act of adoption. I think most people adopt because we want to parent. We take different paths to choosing to parent through adoption, but I'm not sure it's a decision with any more grace than becoming a parent biologically.

But overall, I thought his sentiment was well expressed. I appreciate that he included reference to children adopted from the U.S. and from abroad. And acknowledging that there are a variety of reasons we walk down this path.

Read the entire proclamation HERE.

Waiting to finalize

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 15:56:00 +0000

Happy National Adoption Month! Many bloggers are marking this month with special posts, and hopefully I'll be able to do that too. But be sure to click on over to Portrait of an Adoption to see their fantastic 30 posts in 30 days. This series features posts from all sorts of families and members of adoption. I've found the stories to be inspiring and informative. And serves as a reminder that families are made in many ways!

*

Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever be through with all the paperwork? These past few months while LM has been home, the paperchase has definitely slowed down. But as we near the six-month mark (!) that he's been here, it's starting to ramp up again.

I've been waiting anxiously for this. The time when we could finalize. Many people do not realize that our adoption is finished yet. Up to this point we are only his legal guardians. And knowing that he isn't officially ours has weighed on me. I just don't like things to be left unfinished. So I'm really excited to finally be moving forward to finalizing our adoption.

For Korean adoptions custody of the child has been granted to the adoption agency---in our case, AIAA. We are officially his guardians at this point and had to wait for six-months before we could start the finalization process. Also, all of LM's official records are still in his Korean name, which is his legal name right now.

But soon we will go to court, show them a bunch of papers, our social worker will testify, and we will receive permanent, legal custody. And his name will officially be changed. And finally, this mama can take a deep breath, knowing her LM is really all hers! Yay!

Finalization requirements vary, but for us, we had to complete three post-placement visits with our social worker. The worker made reports about how we were all adjusting, and the reports, along with photos, were sent to AIAA and Korea.

We've completed that and were trying to figure out what was next. On Saturday (awesome timing) our adoption support group had a meeting and one of the topics was finalization. It donned on me that I felt so much more on top of all the paperwork stuff when we were waiting to bring LM home. But I sort of fell off the bandwagon after that and now am feeling completely lost about what's next.

One super cool thing is we found out we are entitled to the documents related to his immigration and adoption process. In Korea when we took custody of LM, they handed us a giant sealed envelope that we had to carry and could never open. We handed the envelope over to immigration when we arrived at the U.S. airport and never knew what was inside. We can now apply to get copies of everything in that mysterious package. Cool! (For those of you interested, this is form G-884. There may also be additional info, such as the birthmother's birth certificate that the G-884 will not cover, but you can file a G-639 to try and receive that.)

Tips from our support group were to request extra copies of the adoption decree at finalization. You'll need them if you choose to adopt again, and for a variety of other paperwork issues down the road. Best to get them at the time of finalization. Also, order many extra copies of the new birth certificate for the same reason.

After we came home from the meeting, there was a letter from AIAA with our consent and approval letter! So...a call to our social worker today to figure out just what we need to do with that and hopefully get a court date soon.

After we are finally final, there's still a last bit of paperwork. We will apply for a Certificate of Citizenship to prove LM is a U.S. citizen, get issued a U.S. birth certificate which lists us as his parents, apply for his Social security number, passport, and change of name/status on health insurance.

So close to the end!

Post-Adoption Paperwork for International Adoptions

Finally Final

Adoption Finalization

Social Security

Word Wednesday: Korean alphabet audio chart

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:53:00 +0000

Flashback! Remember Word Wednesdays?? That was back when I had lots of time on my hands. Lol.

{image from here]

Came across this dandy chart Korean alphabet chart via The Korean Way blog and wanted to share it. It's an audio chart with the consonants and vowels and their combinations. Every letter and combination of vowel/consonant is pronounced clearly and slowly by a real person. Yay!

I've tried, half-heartedly, to learn the alphabet. I always use the excuse that I can't figure out what sounds to make for the letters and it's hard to hear the subtle differences on a lot of learning program..

I guess I'm out of excuses now.

(http://kr.infant.kids.yahoo.com/infantzone/index_pop.html?service=hangeul&mode=popup_viewer&contents_list=6545)

Trick or Treating with The Flash

noreply@blogger.com (Pix) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 14:44:00 +0000

Yep. The Flash. A better costume could not have been made for our son. He has one speed, and that is FAST. He's always on the run. Sprinting from one new adventure to the next. Plus, The Man and I were both hard-core Super Friends fans when we were kids.

And so, The Flash was exactly perfect for him!

On Friday, LM had trick or treating at his daycare. Then on Friday night they had a fall carnival at the daycare where there were lots of games and pizza and fun stuff. He wasn't in to wearing his mask, but he did entertain the crowd by darting all over the place. He was a red blur for most of the evening.

On Sunday, we trick or treated in the neighborhood. Yeah, I know Sunday was the 30th, but in Wisconsin they have this bizarre Halloween routine--they assign days and times that you can trick or treat. Weird. So our village's day was Sunday, from 1-4 p.m.

By Sunday, LM had the routine down. He was fine wearing his face mask, which was super awesome because he has another cold (!) and the mask ~~soaked up~~ covered all the snot which seems to be never ending these days.

By far, his favorite thing about trick or treating was running up the driveways to each house. We went to about 5 houses on our block with people that we know, and he couldn't understand why they kept handing him stuff. But he rolled with it. He's cool like that.

Afterwards, we met up with our besties and headed off to the village party, where there was a bonfire and music. It was like a rave for tiny people. Only instead of alcohol and jello shots, we had ice cream and jelly beans.

And one more pic. Gus, the Wonder Pug was also in costume. Of course, he was a superhero too. Because of The Flash's speed, I couldn't both superheros in the same photo. But I did snap a photo of Underdog last year, so here it is so you can see the amazing power he has! (That would be the power of extreme cuteness.)

Happy Halloween!