There is joy in endings, because it means new beginnings. And so to end the year, I wanted to create some hope for next year as a year of new beginnings.  Let’s commit to a refresh of energy and motivation, and to seeing the changes you wish to make.

It is at this time of the year that resolutions are made, and then many may be broken!  Resolutions are a cultural tradition, laced with celebration, fantastic intentions and a glimmer of hope as the clock strikes midnight that the next year will be the ONE when the weight falls off, the new job lands in your lap, you become truly happy, the kids get into the best schools and onto the best teams and your work performance soars.

If you are worried you won’t stick to your plan, please know that this is normal.  Resolutions created in this context do not normally stick, and that’s okay.  It’s okay because you enjoyed the process of sharing them with your friends and family, and toasting to them when the ball dropped.  You felt happy and hopeful, and there is much benefit to these cultural practices that are unrelated to whether or not you have successfully implemented your resolutions thus far.

To create a twist on the New Year’s resolution, and to turn the often-boring-process of goal setting into something more interesting, I am inviting you to join me in committing to “10 Dreams for This New Year.”  

This is my way of creating a fun, bold Bucket List.  This is meant to be a free-flow, unedited list of all that you wish for yourself next year. 

When brainstorming this list, here is the question:  

“What will I do this year to become the person I want to be at the end of this year?”

There is no right or wrong, easy or hard, to these “10 Dreams”.  These can range from deeply personal shifts to outings with your family.  They can be business and personal, fun and serious.  You can create one for yourself and one with your family.  Your children or spouse may surprise you with their thoughts and dreams.

There is great power in writing things down: you will actually remember these dreams and be reminded to get going (put the list somewhere you will see it regularly), you increase your personal accountability for them, you will put a plan in place to achieve them, and there is more pleasure in completing them.  Be as specific as you can, and understand how they tie in to your own life and your own values.

Imagine the toast you will have at the end of this year, knowing you lived your list of dreams. You’ll proudly ring in the new year, embracing another list of dreams, while whole-heartedly counting down the seconds and sharing your resolutions alongside everyone else. Give it a shot and see what happens.

Send me a note to access your copy of “10 Dreams for This New Year.”  

The post What Are Your 10 Dreams for The New Year? appeared first on Cherneski Coaching.

What causes your “state of overwhelm”?

Billing and financial targets;
Business development activities (or lack thereof);
Obligations outside work hours to clients, colleagues, and professional organizations;
Lack of quality time with your children and spouse;
Pressure at home to be more “present”;
Minimal time for exercise and healthy eating; or ALL OF THE ABOVE?

It may sound counter-intuitive, but a constant ticker through your brain with the message, “I don’t have enough time” or “there is too much on my plate” actually keeps you trapped in a comfort zone that allows you to maintain the status quo.  Subconsciously, this “state of overwhelm” causes you to remain lost in your anxiety about the past and the future without being connected to what’s important right now.

Here is a new perspective for you:  feeling overwhelmed is not a fact. It is your interpretation of your current situation.  The effect? Paralysis.  Within this “state of overwhelm”, action will not happen.

The good news is that interpretations can be challenged, deconstructed, and replaced (for lawyers, this is a familiar concept!).   When presented with a difficult set of facts, what do you do? You analyze them from a different angle, in a way that is believable, reasonable, and favorable.

I challenge you to apply this approach (which is what you are already doing professionally) to your own set of difficult facts.

For one week, just notice your thoughts and feelings of being overwhelmed.  Then, stop what you are doing, and ask yourself:

“How can I re-interpret my facts in a way that works to my advantage?”
“What would be possible for me right now if I refused to allow these negative thoughts into my mind?”

See what happens.

If you want help in sifting through your “state of overwhelm”,  de-cluttering your mind, and getting yourself back on track, please contact me at valerie@cherneskicoaching.com.

The post How Convenient Is Your “State of Overwhelm”? appeared first on Cherneski Coaching.

The topics raised during the lunch had me thinking about my female clients and their professional experiences.   Most organizations have started addressing female advancement issues head on, through the implementation of policies and practices regarding hiring, training and retaining women at all levels.   

However, if you are a corporate professional, I would ask you to answer this question each day: 

“What are you doing to advance yourself within your organization?”

Even within the most progressive organizations, at the end of the day, you must have your own back.  If you are not taking active steps to foster your own career progress (or sometimes just survival), you cannot expect others to do it for you.   

The good news is that if you have fallen into the trap of just making it through the days, without watching out for yourself at the same time, it doesn’t have to be that way. 

To get you started, let’s look at this as a two-step process: 

1. Do you know what you stand for and what you are willing to stand?
   • To answer this question, take some time to outline your values, your personal and professional priorities, your short-term and long-term goals, and your unique parameters.
2. Who else has your back? 
   • To answer this question, think about the support that is available both within your workplace and outside of it.  This means your superiors, partners, professional development team, spouse, friends, and family.  Once you put yourself out there, you will be amazed at how many people want to have your back.  
   • Most law firms and companies have support networks in place, whether it’s through training, coaching, and/or mentorship.  If you haven’t been identified as a candidate for a program, please raise your own hand today.     

For support and built-in accountability during this two-step process, and to ensure that you really do have your own back, please contact me at valerie@cherneskicoaching.com.

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Energy is our most precious resource.  The number of hours in our day is fixed, but the quantity and quality of energy is not.  

Here’s the bottom line:

1. Each day, you start with a full cup of water. When you expend energy (working at your desk, managing a tough client, losing your patience getting everyone out the door in the morning!), you drink from your cup.  To stay energized throughout the day, you must continually fill up the cup. 
2. Think of it like interval training – expend and recover, expend and recover.   If there is no recovery, we go into overdrive and burn out.  The result? A chocolate bar, an extra glass of wine, getting angry with your kids or spouse, and doing whatever it takes to “just get by” at the end of the day. 

It doesn’t have to be this way…..

Here’s one thing you can do right now:

Map out tomorrow in 60 minute time intervals (start small with 3 intervals).  After each interval, take 5-10 minutes to recover (glass of water, healthy snack, walk around the office, sit ups and stretching – no electronics allowed!).  Even if you don’t want to break, do it anyway. 

I challenge you to take one week, consciously fill up your cup at least six times per day, and learn what recovery methods work for you.   Authors Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, in The Power of Full Engagement, remind us that it’s not the intensity of your energy expenditure that causes burnout, it’s the duration of expenditure without adequate recovery.

While you are at it, remember to do the most important thing first each day – this is a great way to energize yourself!  A weight will be lifted off your shoulders by 10:00am.  For a reminder of this daily planning tip, click here.

If you are exhausted before you get to work and struggle to make it through your long days, I can help you identify your stressors, create a plan for maximal energy, and implement a new routine.  

The post Interval Training at the Office? appeared first on Cherneski Coaching.

(a) Procrastinate and then work at the last minute to get it done, despite your intentions to the contrary; and/or

(b) Spend more time than necessary on the task, knowing you technically have the time to devote to it?

If this sounds familiar, your habits may be falling victim to an age-old productivity law, called Parkinson’s Law:

“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

This statement was first articulated in 1955 by the British author, C.N. Parkinson, after observing colleagues in the British Civil Service (think, “The Office”…). 

In a nut shell, if you give yourself three days to complete a two hour task, the task will increase in complexity and become more daunting so as to fill the three days. You may not fill the extra time with more work or even spend more than 3 hours on the task in the end, but instead it weighs on you, causing stress and tension until it is done. 

It doesn’t have to be this way.

When you think of your mounting to-do list, research to complete, documents to draft, or the appointments/shopping/photo arranging (that one usually hits home…) to conquer, here’s my challenge:

Make a list of the top 5 tasks keeping you up at night, and create your own “artificially imposed deadline”.  Assign a reasonable amount of time to each task, and then cut the time by one third.  Schedule the time in your calendar for each task, eliminate distractions, and START.

To take your “artificially imposed deadline” seriously, use your strengths* to your advantage: 

• If you are competitive, set a timer and beat the clock;
• If you are an achiever, stay focused on the feeling of crossing the items off your to-do list;
• If you are analytical, use your laser sharp skills to their max in a concentrated period of time; and
• If you are motivated by rewards, determine a sweet reward in advance and keep your eyes on the prize (remember, if completing a nagging task gives you a great lift, even if it’s scheduling a few appointments or making one tough phone call, it’s worth the reward). 

Try this for one week, and see what happens.  

If you are overwhelmed with your responsibilities, and have trouble focusing on your priorities, I can help you tackle the important tasks while managing the small stuff.  

The post Your Work Habits: Some Laws are Meant to be Broken appeared first on Cherneski Coaching.

Bad chemistry between partners can break an otherwise solid company. These questions can help you tell whether you’ve got the right co-pilot.

As a professional development coach, I spend a lot of time helping clients determine who they can trust in their careers. It’s a charged topic.  Professional relationships are often as emotionally fraught as personal ones.  Nothing, however, compares with the intensity of an entrepreneurial partnership, where an entire career can be ruined by a single act of betrayal.

Your first instinct in evaluating a partner may be to judge his or her professional reputation or skill set.  But you can’t overlook how you personally interact.  If you don’t communicate well, the business is doomed from the start. To avert such an unpleasant fate, I have my clients ask themselves these four questions about their partners.

What principles drive me, and does my partner agree? 

Begin by making a list of five principles that define your business. Ask yourself: What do I want from my business?  It could be money, prestige or even fun.  Unlike a mission statement, these values are not for public consumption. No one needs to know that you value flexibility, say, so that you can get some exercise each morning.  With your values defined, knowing whether you have a match becomes infinitely easier.

What practices won’t I tolerate, and does my partner feel the same?

No relationship is perfect. We’ve all suffered through painful meetings with obnoxious people to reap long-term rewards.  Nevertheless, there are certain personality traits that are intolerable.  Where is that line in the sand for you?

One client–a co-owner of a clothing retailer who was in conflict with her partner—identified her limits when she invented a company mantra:  “Run the Business with Financial Integrity.”  Her goal clashed with that of her partner, and she realized they were working at cross purposes.

Using your values as a gauge, weigh the benefits versus the drawbacks of your business relationships. Are you willing to give a discount to a client who has clout in your industry?  How about launching a joint project with someone you find socially unbearable?

Does your partner help you focus on what you do best?

Whether or not you realize it, you are naturally talented in certain areas and these talents are the key to your success.  Your partner‘s strengths should complement those talents of yours, so that you can focus on what you do best. If you are a subject matter expert but weak on numbers, for example, you don’t want a partner who forces you to spend all your time keeping the books.

Does your partner’s personality energize you?

 Like everyone else, you have negative voices in your head–think of the cartoon devil sitting on your shoulder—whose only role is to remind you of your insecurities. The voices tend to pop up just as you embark upon something ambitious. Let’s call those nagging thoughts the “saboteurs.”

“Saboteurs” rarely arise out of the blue; rather, they stem from an earlier experience in your life.  For instance, I have a client whose parents were highly risk-averse union employees. Now that she has left a high-paying position to launch her own company, she often obsesses over her financial security–an internal “saboteur” she must combat regularly.  Imagine if she were to partner with someone who made comments like, “Maybe we aren’t ready for this next step” or “What if we lose money on this new product?” While that might only be mildly annoying to one person, those comments would awaken my client’s saboteurs and sends her into a panic.

Ideally, the best partners keep each other’s ‘saboteurs’ in check.  That’s why it’s wise to have a partner whose strengths and motivators are different from yours.  In the case of my client, she would work best with a partner who has a relatively high tolerance for risk.

Before agreeing to a potential partnership, consider how you feel after spending time together. Are you (a) brimming with ideas and new possibilities, or (b) completely deflated?  If your answer isn’t (a), you’ve got the wrong person.

Valerie Cherneski coaches top lawyers, professionals and entrepreneurs, helping them become strong leaders and better meet the demands of work and home. Trained in New York, she works with clients throughout the U.S. and Canada.

The post Is Your Partner the Problem? 4 Questions to Ask appeared first on Cherneski Coaching.

Spring signals a time of rebirth, renewal and growth.  But as adults, these changes don’t happen naturally.  We are meant to renew and grow, but it is up to us to determine the direction, seek the motivation, and get going.

You may associate this renewal and growth with “spring cleaning”.  Although a great tradition for your home, what about for yourself?

To reawaken yourself to possibility and to shake off the winter cobwebs, I challenge you to commit to a BOLD move.

A BOLD move is going to be a stretch for you, something that is both delightful and scary.  You will be excited by the prospect of its completion, but cannot yet imagine that finishing point. A BOLD move is the act that makes you think: “I could never do that…”.

BOLD moves can take many shapes:

• starting that business that you have talked about for years
• asking for the promotion you deserve
• running a marathon (or at least a half)
• offering yourself as the expert to speak at a major conference
• finally saying “no” to that one person in your life (you know who that person is)
• calling a recruiter, or
• waking up an hour earlier every day, no matter what

If you can’t think of your BOLD move, ask yourself:

“What is one action I can take that scares me?”

If it’s still too difficult to think about this answer, have a friend or colleague ask you or make suggestions – when you cringe and feel your stomach tighten, you have your BOLD move.

When you commit to a BOLD move, you immediately shake up your status quo.  You will be amazed at what you can do when you go BOLD.

Think it, speak it, write it down, and see what happens…

For a thinking partner, a sounding board, and someone to hold you accountable to your BOLD move, email me at valerie@cherneskicoaching.com.

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The more often you tell yourself a story, the more ingrained it becomes.  Eventually, it is your default perspective.  It weighs you down and prevents you from taking action towards your best self.  Unfortunately, getting to that place is not difficult – it is much easier to create a story that keeps you down.

When you find yourself stuck in your story, ask yourself:

How does this story serve me?

What does that mean, you say? Take a minute and think about it – you may find that it serves you by keeping you complacent, maintaining the status quo, permitting you to complain, sit on the couch, or wallow in self-pity.  If that story didn’t exist in your mind, you may actually be forced to face your situation head on and tackle the hard stuff.

I came across a saying years ago, as I facilitated support groups for women with eating disorders: “What you feed your body, you feed your soul.”  This is a powerful message in the context of food and how we take care of ourselves.  But its application goes far beyond food.  It reminds us that how we feed ourselves, literally and metaphorically, alters the course of our lives.

The good news is that it really is within our control.  Here is a piece of Native Wisdom I discovered in the backseat of a New York City taxi:

Native Wisdom

A Grandfather from the Cherokee Nation was talking with his grandson.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight between two wolves.”

The young grandson listened intently.

“One wolf is evil, unhappy, and ugly: He is anger, envy, war, greed, selfishness, sorrow, regret, guilt, resentment, inferiority/superiority, false pride, coarseness, and arrogance. He spreads lies, deceit, fear, hatred, blame, scarcity, poverty, and divisiveness.”

“The other wolf is beautiful and good: He is friendly, joyful, loving, worthy, serene, humble, kind, benevolent, just, fair, empathetic, generous, honest, compassionate, grateful, brave, and inspiring resting wholeheartedly in deep vision beyond ordinary wisdom.”

The grandson paused in deep reflection of what his grandfather had just said. Then he exclaimed; “Oyee! (in recognition).

Grandfather continued; “This same fight is going on inside you, and inside all human beings as well.”

The grandson paused in deep reflection and recognition of what his grandfather had just said. Then he finally cried out deeply; “Oyee! Grandfather, which wolf will win this horrific war?”

The elder Cherokee replied, “The wolf that you feed. That wolf will surely win!”

If you find yourself stuck in your story and not sure how to feed the right wolf, contact me at valerie@cherneskicoaching.com.

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As you consider your impending workload (perhaps on a dock somewhere, with your drink of choice in hand), are you strengthening your ABs at the same time?  Thankfully, I am not speaking about your abdominals (no need to put down that drink), but rather your Added Benefits.  Think of the current role you play within your organization and ask yourself:

What sets me apart from the crowd?

You can also think about this as your professional brand.  What do you bring to the table that others do not?  How do you want to be known?

If you do not demonstrate what sets you apart, and what contributions you can make based on your experiences, skills and interests, the powers that be will not know what to do with you.

This is not about being a good lawyer, accountant, or senior manager.  That is a given.  It’s about providing your organization with an “extra something” that others do not.  It’s not enough to be good.  You must take it two steps further and develop yourself into somebody that others need and upon which the organization relies.

Your name should be synonymous with your Added Benefits.  This will help you and your superiors make the business case for your advancement.  To strengthen your ABs, here are 3 steps you can take: 

1. Determine your key business values, strengths, and interests.  This is the starting point for positioning yourself.  Write it down and be specific.  
2. Ensure that your values, strengths and interests are aligned with an organizational need.  Are you filling a hole? Are you becoming the latest expert in a valued area? 
3. Go the extra mile.  Write articles, speak at conferences, volunteer on committees.  Set quarterly goals for yourself to ensure that you are taking the right steps to build your brand. 

When you execute your strategy to stand out from the crowd, you create your own insurance policy – after all, the goal is for your organization to depend on what you have to offer.  You need them to need you, and that’s the bottom line.

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The Pareto Principle states that 80% of your outcomes are caused by 20% of your inputs. Simply put, focus on the 20% that matters to you.

Although not intended to be mathematically accurate in every case, the Pareto’s Principle found its origins in two observations – that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the population and that 80% of the peas in one man’s garden came from 20% of the peapods.

Some examples of Pareto’s Principle are:

• 20% of your clients account for 80% of your revenue
• 20% of your clients cause 80% of your complaints
• 20% of your employees contribute 80% of the results
• 20% of your friends assume 80% of your social life
• 20% of your to-do list accounts for 80% of your stress

I invite you to spend a few moments to determine where your 80% comes from, and to invest your energy there.  If you work with the 80/20 principle as a rule of thumb, it will serve as a quick go-to tool when you are trying to maximize your time, energy and resources.

After all, if you become more efficient at serving the key 20% of your clients, it will leave more time for you to focus on the 20% of your activities that generate 80% of your happiness.

It’s not to say that you should ignore that which does not produce 80% of your revenue or happiness.  But understanding that the moving parts that make up your life are not distributed evenly, and should therefore not command your attention equally, may cause you to breathe a bigger breath, and take a break from the proverbial treadmill that never seems to stop.

The post How Often Do You Score 20%? appeared first on Cherneski Coaching.

Everyone knows the voice – some people feel it in their gut, some in their head, and some in their heart.  The problem is not the voice; the problem is you when you allow the voice to get in the way of what matters most.  The more control the voice has over you, the more it acts like a ticker on the bottom of your TV screen – you are so distracted by the ticker reel that you don’t even notice the main programming.

Let’s call these voices the saboteurs.  These saboteurs are like gremlins, or devils on your shoulder.  They are part of you, but they are NOT who you are.  They exist to protect you from jumping off cliffs and cutting your hand when slicing through a bagel.  They have a job to do, but if you think of them as employees of your company, the employees are only as good as the training you give them, the example you set, and your communication skills along the way.

The good news is that saboteurs can be trained, and the more training opportunities you give them, the more success you will see professionally and personally.

Why? Because the saboteurs get in the way of what you really need and want.  They feed you a story that keeps you stuck in your current reality.  When there is no change, there is no progress.  When there is no progress, your promotion, your new business, or your new exercise program remains a dream.

Here’s a simple strategy to train the saboteurs to get out of your way (and to go find someone cutting a bagel the wrong way):  Send the saboteurs “P.A.C.K.ing”:

• PERSONIFY the saboteur:  Name the saboteur(s) (e.g., the “Failure”, or “Guilt” saboteurs).  When you acknowledge it, you can deal with it.
• ADMIT the truth:  The saboteur is trying to protect you from something and it is important to identify what that is.  For example, when you exercise, the Guilt saboteur may cause you to feel guilty for taking time away from your kids or the office.  The truth is that yes, parenting and professional success are important to you.   But that’s the only truth – the rest of the saboteur’s story is a lie.
•  CHALLENGE the saboteur:  The saboteur is out of control and now is the time to tell it off.  Challenge the saboteur with the truth using rational arguments: parenting and professional success are important to you, but taking time out to exercise is okay, because: (1) exercise enables you to be a better parent or employee; (2) exercise is a priority, and all of your priorities must be respected; and (3) taking time to exercise does not mean that you are no longer a good parent or valued employee.
•  KICK the saboteur out of the way:  Visualize something that works for you (slamming the door, hosing it down, sticking it in a drawer) and practice the visualization every time you notice the saboteur lurking.  Don’t underestimate the power of this exercise.

Getting to know your saboteurs, and noticing when they pop up, is half the battle.  The second half of the battle is garnering up the courage to send them “P.A.C.K.ing”.  For when you do that, you will see what really lies in front of you, and there will be no more excuses for you to take your next steps.

If you need help tackling the saboteurs, please contact me at valerie@cherneskicoaching.com.

The post What’s Getting in Your Way? appeared first on Cherneski Coaching.

“Clutter”, as defined by Peter Walsh, organizer extraordinaire, is “anything that gets between you and the life you want to be living.”  Take note that this is not limited to baby toys and boxes of outdated textbooks.  Clutter includes emails in your inbox, people who need to hear “no” from you, and unorganized thoughts in your mind that keep you up at night.

Think about it this way: If you are unable to throw out the old, you cannot make room for the new.  This applies to all types of clutter.

• For example, when you clear out your inbox, you make room for the new projects and re-charged communication to clients and colleagues that you desire come January.
  
•  When you clear out your children’s toy baskets, books, and closets, you will be ready to sort and store the new gifts without the overwhelm or guilt (especially if you have donated the old).
  
•  When you clear out the baby clothes and textbooks, you will be ready to embrace your future goals and make room for the next phase of your life.

After all, letting go of textbooks does not mean letting go of memories.  The all-nighters, the Friday night escapades and the carefree living days of the past still happened and will not be thrown away just because the campus beer mug is.

To get you started, here are some unique tips:

• With sentimental items you never wear or use (the Puerto Vallarta t-shirt), take a photo of them and compile a photo book of “Sentimental Clutter”.
• When de-cluttering, ask yourself: “Is it beautiful or useful?” If no, purge.
• Take one hour this week, choose an inbox, and do nothing but delete for that hour.
• Choose a room and choose a number (master bedroom + 25).  Don’t leave the room until 25 items have been removed.
• Take stock of all of your obligations and dare to say “no” to 20% of them.   You will be amazed at the breathing space you create.

Before your begin, make a plan that sets you up for success.  If you need help with your plan and accountability along the way, contact me at valerie@cherneskicoaching.com.

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My clients are a microcosm of the professional world at large – high achieving, intelligent individuals looking to manage through tough transitions while searching for the best versions of themselves (and a few minutes to do nothing at the end of each day…).  So challenging them to find the “wiggle room” in their lives is not an easy feat.  The assumption that they do not have enough time is deeply held AND, at the same time, holds them back, exhausts them, and stunts their productivity.

When you say that you do not have enough time, you are really saying that you do not want to.  This is a tough pill to swallow.   Your reaction may sound like this:

“But I do want to exercise.”

“But I do want to see my kids more.”

“But I do want to spend time on my business idea or writing my resume.”

I do, and I will, when I have more time.

Really? I am not sure I believe you.

The “time” mantra creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The more it plays in your mind, the easier it is to believe, and the harder it is to fight. This leads to nothing – no movement, no action, no growth.  Without growth, there is no fulfillment.  And fulfillment is defined by whatever it is you wish you were doing, if you had more time.

You need to deconstruct the “time” mantra that is so clearly ingrained in your brain.   The good news is that everything begins with a thought, and we are the masters of our own thoughts.

This brings us back to the concept of “wiggle room”.  When I challenge clients to find the “wiggle room” in their schedule to include the things they wish for themselves, their first response is inevitably that there is none.  Clients and bosses depend on them, hours must be billed, businesses must be built, and mortgages must be paid.

But here is the next question: If you knew that you had to find two hours of exercise/downtime/one-on-one time with your children each week to prevent a heart attack on the last day of the following month, what would you do? You would find the two hours.

I guarantee it.

My point is not to create a fictitious world of fear in which you should live.  It is to show you that when push comes to shove, there is “wiggle room”.  There is always “wiggle room”.

Buying into this new assumption takes practice.  Here are three steps to get you started:

1.         Notice.  For one week, merely notice how often you allow the “time” mantra to play in your head.  Noticing is the first and most difficult step to awareness.  Without the awareness, you cannot break the cycle.

2.         Set the Intention.   What is the new assumption with which you will re-wire your brain?  Be clear on this, as it is your first line of defense to the “time” mantra.  Some suggestions include “I always have time”, “I want to do this” or “This is what I need”.

3.         Find the Wiggle Room.  Choose one activity, pull out your calendar, and get honest with yourself.  Work with your spouse, your boss, your colleagues, but primarily yourself: get off the subway one stop earlier and walk, schedule dates with each of your children for one-on-one time, hire a trainer to come to your house, or get yourself into bed one hour earlier twice per week to work through the stack of reading material that has piled up.

Although it may not always be a matter of life or death, it is a matter of your life and how much it is worth to you.

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One technique to get you through those moments of truth – couch v. gym, french fries v. salad, or working late v. bedtime stories, is to take a visit into your Default Future.   Your Default Future is who you may end up being if you do not make the changes you wish to make.   Bluntly put by the authors of Change Anything, The New Science of Personal Success, “[i]t’s the life that’s hurtling towards you-but you aren’t motivated by it because you aren’t currently in it.”*

Being blind to the future may permit you to live in a world of immediate gratification now, but it sets you up for regrets and exponentially more work down the road.  As aptly noted in Change Anything, this blindness to the future is particularly worrisome when aspects of your Default Future aren’t guaranteed to happen, but have serious consequences if they do.

To visit your Default Future, ask yourself a string of questions, beginning with:

What are the reasonably possible worst-case scenarios if I don’t make
this change?

Each time you answer the question, ask yourself “and then what?” or “what else”? If you want to stop, or you feel uncomfortable, you are doing the exercise correctly and you should keep going. Tell the truth, or there is no point.

As a complement to this activity, I take each of my clients through an exercise that acquaints themselves with their Future Self.  Your Future Self is the opposite of your Default Future, and is the person you will be 20 years down the road, if you commit now.   My clients end up with a clear vision of this person so that it makes it easier to access him/her when they want to choose the couch over the gym.

After all, as Yogi Berra once said, “[i]f you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”  Don’t let that be your Default Future.

*Patterson, K., Grenny, J., Maxfield, D., McMillan, R., and Switzler, A., p. 52.

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Nothing else but vacation affords you the time and distance to reflect upon where your lives – both professional and personal — are going.  So, as you head off to the cottage by the sea or cabin in the woods, consider this quote:

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”  
– Albert Einstein

Since we were kids, we’ve headed into September with a vision of what the New Year will bring (Admit it. Don’t you still think of September 1 as the real New Year’s?). Starting with “I’ll get straight A’s” to “I’ll finally start my own business,” our vows are crystal clear. 

Yet, once the calendar picks up, that clear vision begins to fade into the backdrop of our daily lives.

Why?

As Einstein aptly points out, it’s probably got to do with your thought process. Maybe you’re following the same laundry list of to-dos. Or perhaps you’re telling yourself the same story about “Why I Can’t.”  That old pattern of thinking is what got you here in the first place.  Unfortunately, old patterns, or habits, die hard.  That is why real change requires a fundamental shift from the inside.  Shifts are not easy, but they are definitely possible. 

To make a real change this September, here are a few tips:

1. Start with a goal that is SMART: specific, measurable, action oriented, realistic and timely.  For example, the goal of “I will consider whether to look for new work” is not SMART.  The SMART version is: “I will spend three hours per week, for the next month, to do the following: research and record ideas and opportunities; take strengths/personality/career assessments to understand what fits best with who I am; have weekly coffees/drinks with contacts, and create a detailed spreadsheet of my contacts, my experience, and interests.   
2. Prioritize your SMART goal.   Make it the first thing you do in your week, unless you absolutely must do otherwise.  Make no exceptions about this, and do what it takes to block off that time.
3. Recognize what has not worked for you in the past and do the opposite.  Set goals that are out of your comfort zone.  Suspend all of your regular assumptions for 30 days and see what happens.  
4. Make a list of your top 10 values and set an intention to say “yes” to only those actions that are aligned with a specific value. Identify the value before you say “yes” or make any decisions.  For example, a client of mine recently said “yes” to an opportunity at work, and then immediately regretted it.  When we discussed the situation, she realized that the regret surfaced because her initial response was driven by fear (of disappointing her employer, of not being a team player), and not her values.  After checking in with her values of achievement, contribution, and physical health, we planned other actions she could take that would satisfy her employer and have her achieve her goals at the same time.  

There are always ways to make changes, but it often requires a completely new thought process.  I train my clients on a new language that is designed to ensure that your decisions are made from your vision, your strengths, and your priorities, not your fears and insecurities.      

It is much easier to make changes when you are confident they are aligned with what you need out of life – from there, you experience a different view of the world and the plans, the structure and the accountability can fall into place to get you to your next destination.     

Let’s not head into September like last September or the one before.  Take a cue from Einstein.  After all, he was able to get a few things done.

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However, conflict goes bad when the happy times no longer outweigh the bad times.  And I don’t just mean being off by a percentage of two.   Your relationships should be way off balance – the positive interactions must far outweigh the bad.  In fact, Dr. John Gottman has developed a ratio for predicting the success of marriages.  It’s 5:1.  In other words, you need five times as many positive interactions as negative ones for a relationship to work.

Think about your children.  When you have a bad day with them during an otherwise great week, you recover faster from the bad day, and you don’t feel as guilty, knowing that the days prior were great.  However, when you have a string of bad days, you know instinctively that you have to start fresh and shift your mood, your approach, or your attitude.

The great news is that studies show that our well-being does not hinge on the intensity of happy experiences, rather the frequency.  This means that building in brief periods of positive time, on a regular basis, with your loved ones will go a long way to a successful relationship.

Let’s apply this principle to the workplace.

As leaders, we know that perfect harmony does not make for a truly productive work environment. When people care passionately about their work, they tend to butt heads. We need to allow room for those momentary flare ups.  But what if every staff interaction feels cantankerous? It’s time to work toward a 5:1 Ratio.

Just like at home with your spouse and children, it is not the grand gestures that make the real difference –  they won’t really help smooth over those rough moments.  Think about the boss who takes his staff out for drinks every Friday night, but is a total monster all week. Do the drinks really matter?

You’ll make more of an impact by intentionally employing the 5:1 Ratio.  Stop and say good morning. Ask your assistant about her daughter’s school performance. Have regularly scheduled coffee breaks and lunches with your team.    Take a deep breath before showing your frustration.

And, building a friendly rapport with your employees will make it infinitely easier to have that difficult conversation down the road.  It will also build your confidence in the relationship, which allows for both parties to bounce back from conflict faster, ready to tackle the next challenge and get work done.

Think of this as the first time in your life you are going to try to be off balance – and then watch your relationships grow.

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This simple thought, which is the driving force behind Tom Rath’s book, StrengthsFinder 2.0, is the key to taking your performance to the next level. Just keep asking yourself this one question:

Are you doing what you do best every day?

Chances are this question doesn’t come up very often (or perhaps ever). Like most of us, you have been trained to think in terms of weakness, not strength. It is a message that has been reinforced with every advertisement (think about the face cream you didn’t know you needed), your child’s report card and performance review. In other words, you are trained to look for what needs to be fixed.

According to Rath, the best anyone can become by focusing on their weaknesses is mediocre. Why? Strengths act as a multiplier for hard work and practice. The leader who is naturally creative will see her leadership improve much faster when she employs creativity every day, versus the leader who focuses on creativity but whose strengths lie elsewhere.

When leaders focus on strengths, and dare to look beyond weaknesses, they can push beyond their expectations, transform their communication and relationships, and tackle the most difficult challenges.

For instance, John* is a lawyer juggling business development with his everyday practice. He does not enjoy cocktail parties or networking events. However, he is articulate, detail-oriented, and comfortable speaking in front of groups of people. Once he identified these strengths, he mapped out a business plan for his law practice that relies on publishing, speaking engagements and connecting with clients through education and professional development. The turning point for John, like so many others, occurred the moment he stopped worrying about business development activities that don’t play to his strengths. Putting down the golf clubs actually works to his advantage.

The irony is that focusing on weakness stifles confidence – a defining and essential ingredient for professional success. When you are confident in what you do well, you can stop making small gains with great effort.

The key, then, is to identify your strengths and then find the strengths of those around you (don’t forget your most junior employee and your assistant). Ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you a big thinker (but get lost in the details)? Delegate your administrative tasks, book a meeting with yourself each day to work on your ideas, and partner with someone who is strong at implementing to take charge of your ideas.
• Are you highly competitive? Set daily/weekly goals you find exciting, measurable and inspiring. Set a timer when you work and compete against yourself.
• Are you a strong self-starter? Take on new projects, propose new ideas, and request to lead or implement whenever possible, regardless of your role.
• Are you a great networker? Use this skill with everyone. Keep a virtual rolodex with personal details of your contacts, and keep in touch. Connect with those who are more introverted, find out their strengths, and appeal to them.
• Now ask yourself the same set of questions about your employees. Does this shift how you think about management?

Karen*, a leader of a team of thirty people, felt the weight of responsibility almost instantly lift when she stopped trying to be good at everything, and started delegating jobs according her staff’s individual strengths. Being promoted to leadership doesn’t require perfection.   In fact, Rath and Barry Conchie, in Strengths Based Leadership argue that the best leaders are not well rounded but the best teams are.

And, if that is not convincing enough, Rath found that people who are able to focus on their strengths every day are six times as likely to be engaged in their work and more than three times as likely to report having an excellent quality of life.

For your sake and your employees, don’t get stuck on weaknesses – determine what’s working and harness it. After all, who wants to get out of bed each morning for mediocrity?

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If you are like so many other lawyers and professionals with busy careers and lives to run, you are probably saying ‘Yes’ too often. The diagnosis is the easy part – the difficulty is making the switch from the ‘Yes’ mode to the ‘No’ mode.  There are many reasons for this: you do not want to let people down, you have fallen into a longstanding pattern of overcommitting, or you associate the word ‘No’ with selfishness, potential failure, or other negative labels.  In the end, the key to changing the behaviour and learning to say ‘No’ is to connect the ‘No’ with why it matters to you.

Byron Katie, the master of turning everything around, pointed out, choosing to say ‘Yes’ when it isn’t right for you sells yourself out and leaves you bitter and burned out. Saying ‘No’ allows you to live with yourself. It sets you free.

If you need more convincing, here are some crucial reasons to say ‘No’:

• Saying No gives you more time and energy in your days. That’s an easy one to sell.
• Saying No aligns you with your priorities and your values, so that you can be more engaged in what you choose to do each day.
• Saying No helps you set clear boundaries with others. After all, you teach people how to treat you.
• Saying No builds confidence. Being a me-pleaser, instead of a people-pleaser, helps you achieve your goals that are based on what you actually want, instead of guilt or what others want.
• Saying No reduces stress and clears the clutter in your brain. This pares down your life and gives you more space to breathe and be present.

Saying ‘No’ sets off a chain reaction that positively impacts all areas of your life.

Case in point: Jane, an overworked lawyer with years of experience saying ‘Yes’ to everyone, realizes that she can no longer keep up the ‘Yes’ pace. This doesn’t mean that she must leave her practice and make a 180 degree shift in her life. Instead, she spends a few minutes nailing down her four priorities for the next 3 months: (1) billing targets; (2) business development; (3) health; and (4) family needs. She then commits to specific and realistic goals in each of these categories.

Now, with a clear understanding of what matters to her for the next few months, Jane has benchmarks against which she can start saying ‘No’. Has the business development activity netted meaningful work for Jane in the past? If not, she says ‘No’. Does the volunteer opportunity at school help her spend time with her kids? If not, she says ‘No’. Does the event with friends or extended family support her with her health or family goals? If not, she says ‘No’. You get the picture.

But what matters here is not Jane’s responses to these questions – her responses could the opposite of yours – it’s the idea that when you say ‘No’, you are saying ‘Yes’ to something even better. Make sure know what that is before you say ‘No’. Jane says ‘No’ to a night out with friends so that she can say ‘Yes’ to her health and a good night’s sleep. This makes her more productive at work and more patient at home.

To make this as easy as possible for you, here are some ways to politely turn people down:

• “I am unable to commit to that right now, but will think about it again in the new year.”
• “I cannot do what you have asked, but I can definitely do X, Y or Z instead.”
• “I am working hard to spend more time with my kids/spouse/parents, and I hope you’ll understand that I cannot attend your event.”
• “I love your idea, and am hoping we can modify it a bit so that I can make it work.”
• “I am clearing my plate for the next few weeks and I apologize if the timing isn’t perfect.”

Saying ‘No’ will set off a chain reaction that is aligned with who you truly are. It is not selfish, rude, nor unhelpful. It is giving yourself permission to enjoy life on your terms. Is that such a remarkable request?

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