Chewin' the Mat

Andrew "Test" Martin Dies

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 17:33:00 +0000

Andrew Martin, better known to wrestling fans as "Test" during his time in WWE has been found dead at the age of 33.

After a chance meeting with Bret Hart at a restaurant in the late 90s, Martin began his in-ring training.

He made his WWE debut in late 1998 after a brief period on the Canadian indy circuit. Introduced initially as the badass bodyguard of Earth's gayest rock band, Mötley Crüe, Test soon aligned himself with Mr. McMahon's evil Corporation.

Having been kicked out of the Corporation for being too cool (he did after all know Mötley Crüe), he played his part in one or two storylines that were quite major at the time but of no real worthiness to look back on in depth right now.

The next peak for the lover of leather pants was when he was repackaged with a new tag team partner - the wrestler formerly known as Prince Albert. They were managed by the incomparable Trish Stratus. Someone who, despite her relative inexperience in the wrestling business compared to them, was easily better than her two wrestlemonkeys.

Test was eventually released by WWE in 2004 after he was injured and allegedly undergoing spinal fusion surgery.

What actually happened on that operating table remains a mystery (In fact, I'm sure we might not ever find out the truth). But when Test made his return to TV on WWE in 2006, it only seemed to confirm the rumours that he had been transformed on the operating table into a Centaur...

Unfortunately for Martin, part of the rehabilitation process for becoming a mythical Greek beast, alongside eating ketamine like it was chocolate frosting to help him sleep, was to take massive amounts of human testosterone. This was to stop him from tipping over the edge (many before him had forgotten to take their supplements and ended up eating straw in fields, alienated from human society). His employers didn't take kindly to this and suspended him for violating their Wellness Policy. He was released from his WWE contract several days later.

As a recently released WWE wrestler, he inevitably ended up on TNA. Despite knowing that he was taking steroids, TNA still employed him. Job security seemed to be on the cards for Martin. That was until the day he was found with a feedbag strapped to his face, stood next to an empty table where Jeff Jarrett's rider once stood. So long Centaur.

In December 2007, after floundering on the independent circuit for a while, Martin announced that he would retire from wrestling after an upcoming tour of Ireland.

I'm happy to reveal the following news. This is a Chewin' The Mat exclusive. On his final tour as a wrestler in Ireland, Andrew "Test" Martin met champion jockey Ruby Walsh. This chance meeting led to Martin training to become a racehorse. In fact, he was due to be the first Centaur to race at the Cheltenham festival in 2009. This caused much controversy, with the Racing Post famously declaring it "a fucking disgrace". Martin argued that his previous attachment to sports with pre-arranged results was enough to get by in British horse racing.

Only Martin's controversial appearance wasn't to be. He withdrew from the event with only days to spare, citing "personal reasons". During this time, his Wikipedia article was altered saying that he'd killed his girlfriend, Kelly Kelly, after going into a rage on a sugarlump-induced high. This later turned out to be false, though Martin was found dead two days later in his Tampa apartment by a local Vet.

A postmortem is due to be carried out.

Andrew "Test" Martin 1975 - 2009

Lance Cade released - Jim Ross fuels speculation

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 19:03:00 +0000

This week, WWE released Lance Cade. The release came somewhat without warning and sparked hot speculation and rumor from wrestling news sites.

WWE released a statement regarding Lance Cade's release on Tuesday. The first step of the IWC was to blame an apparent poor showing on TV against DX a few weeks back.

However WWE's Jim Ross posted a blog the following day addressing, amongst other things, Cade's abrupt release from WWE. Ross wrote:

Lance Cade was dismissed from the WWE because, like many humans, he made a major league mistake while utilizing bad judgment that cost him his job. This included Lance having a seizure on an airplane and having to have emergency medial care. Luckily, Lilian Garcia was on the same flight and was instrumental in helping Lance get taken to a hospital where a battery of tests were run that luckily determined that there was nothing seriously wrong with the young man such as a brain tumor, etc.

Everyone makes mistakes, Lord knows I have made plenty in my career, but in this day and time some mistakes just simply can't be condoned. To some fans, Lance Cade will likely still be perceived as the victim in this matter and his punishment too harsh.

Under the circumstances of the situation, I don't know what other decision the WWE could have made. I'm just relieved that it wasn't me in my former role that would have had to address this matter. I really like this kid and hope that he continues to follow his dreams. Second chances are not foreign in the wrestling business so perhaps that could be in Lance's future but that's just a personal observation.

Thanks to JR, this story is now far more interesting for internet speculators and gossips such as myself. Before his blog, it was a case of "Meh, he's obviously been fired because he sucks". Now it looks as if WWE dropped him quicker than they would a plague-infected hot potato. What the hell happened on that flight with Lilian Garcia?! What did Cade do that induced a seizure? Any ideas? Really? None at all?

There is absolutely no chance at all in my mind that this isn't drug-related.

Vince was reportedly high on Cade a few months ago. Cade was trained by Shawn Michaels and as such was pretty much in a job at WWE for life. He must have done something remarkably bad to warrant a release from his contract so suddenly.

This is one of those things that we'll most likely never learn the full story to. Which sucks because something huge has gone down and WWE are pulling a Roswell on Joe Public.

They Live

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 20:16:00 +0000

Having bought the DVD months ago, I finally got round to watching John Carpenter's 'They Live' starring Rowdy Roddy Piper.

It's been a while since I posted. If you care that I've left you for so long, I apologize. This post will have a passing reference to why I've not posted in a while, so pay attention yo!

I'm a huge Roddy Piper mark, and I'm ashamed that it's taken me about 3 months from getting my hands on the DVD to actually watching it.

My review is as follows... YAY!

Watch it - I enjoyed it. And for someone who hates most movies he sees, that really is saying something.

Piper plays a construction worker in the movie, and so quite naturally, wears a checked lumberjack-style shirt. Upon noticing that, I thought to myself "Ahhh, I put on a lumberjack-style shirt today didn't I?". I looked down at myself to confirm the fact and was surprised to see that my own wardrobe department had provided me with a real life hidden Easter egg.

I've never felt like such a sad bastard in all my life. I used to boast: "I may be a huge wrestling fan, but I have a wife! A real life woman!". Now that I can't say that without relying on a legal technicality, me wearing a Hotrod t-shirt and eating my dinner on my own in a dimly-lit living room with no furniture in it whilst watching a movie with Rowdy Roddy Piper in it seems somewhat sad.

One of the movie's highlights of course is one of the best fight scenes in cinema...

The greatest thing about that video is the awesome shot with the money straight into the box at the beginning.

Trivia fans most likely know that the now infamous Cripple Fight scene in South Park is almost a shot for shot plagiarism, sorry, 'homage' to this fight.

For the greatest bit of Piper swearing (pre "Hogan's Heroes") click here and fast forward to 6 minutes.

That's it for now. Wrestling's been boring lately, hence a post about a movie as old as I am.

Flair and his daughter get extreme with cops

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 19:28:00 +0000

Check out that picture! It's Ric Flair having been battered by his daughter's boyfriend!

Although that's merely speculation. Ric Flair has that black eye, his daughter Ashley is arrested after being subdued with a taser, and her boyfriend says that it's a family incident that's now been resolved.

Because of the lack of details here, I can only go wild with speculation. In fact, I owe it to you all for not posting in so long (A whole week I think?!).

My theory is that Flair and his daughter's boyfriend were having their own shoot wrestling match in a Chapel Hill, NC parking lot to decide if the boyfriend was man enough to be the man of Ashley's dreams. Judging by that picture, it looks as though the un-named Flair-boner can be the man - he has undoubtedly beaten the man this week! Ashley was involved as she fought the cops and held them back to see which man would come out on top.

But that's boring, if I've been given license to speculate, then I'm going to guess that Flair was caught breaking into his daughter's underwear drawer mid-sniff by her boyfriend. A fight ensued between the two guys while Ashley, who is an emotional female, happened to be menstruating at the time. She just went mental at the flashing lights and bright noises of the cop cars (she was tired and wanted to sleep) and a red mist descended as she flipped out on the cops. In fact, her arrest had nothing to do with the panty-sniffing.

If Flair was a conker (judging from his tan, there's little doubt), then his prospective son-in-law just became a 17-time world champ.

For a less surreal look at this, check out Threestrikesandout.com. Tell them I sent you!

The Best of CM Punk

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:41:00 +0000

Having spotted this DVD on sale for a mere £4 a while back, I thought I'd be an idiot not to buy "The Best of CM Punk in Full Impact Pro".

If you'd paid £4 for a wrestling DVD and complained then you'd be an idiot.

It's taken from a time when CM Punk was one of the best heels on the indy circuit. Any kids who badger their mums into buying this for them will be in for a surprise as their hero tells them to bite it.

The first load of matches show CM Punk's progression through a two night tournament to crown the first FIP Champion. Some of the hosses that Punk is up against are unbelievably bad. Two stick out in my mind - Vordell Walker and Rainman.

Those two suck so hard, it's testament to Punk's abilities that the matches actually hold together well. So many offers from Punk get denied. For instance in one match, Punk makes the ref look the other way and pokes Rainman in the eye to get the upper hand - only Rainman fights back, a few moves later and Punk has to start his beatdown by getting the upper hand through legitimate means - way to go Rainman.

£4 of your hard-earned money is nothing for this amount of wrestling. Punk going at it with Homicide is always a welcome sight. In the match to find the first FIP champ, the two go at it like mad and battle all through the arena, inside and out in a pretty good showing with some memorable hardcore spots including a swirly.

The matches are as follows...

CM Punk vs. Vordell Walker
1st Round FIP Hwt. Title Touny - Emergence Night 1 - Tampa, FL - 09.24.04

Highlights - AJ Styles vs. Homicide
1st Round FIP Hwt. Title Touny - Emergence Night 1 - Tampa, FL - 09.24.04

Homicide vs. Joshua Masters w/CM Punk
2nd Round FIP Hwt. Title Touny - Emergence Night 2 - Tampa, FL - 09.25.04

CM Punk vs. Justin Credible
2nd Round FIP Hwt. Title Touny - Emergence Night 2 - Tampa, FL - 09.25.04

CM Punk vs. Rainman
Semi-Finals FIP Hwt. Title Touny - Emergence Night 2 - Tampa, FL - 09.25.04

CM Punk vs. Homicide
Finals FIP Hwt. Title Touny - Emergence Night 2 - Tampa, FL - 09.25.04

Highlights - Azrieal w/CM Punk vs. Rainman
Fallout Night 1 - Tampa, FL - 11.12.04

CM Punk vs. Dan Maff
Fallout Night 1 - Tampa, FL - 11.12.04

CM Punk vs. Homicide (FIP Hwt. Title - No DQs - Falls Count Anywhere)
Fallout Night 2 - Tampa, FL - 11.13.04

Highlights - The Florida Rumble
The Florida Rumble - Lakeland, FL - 12.17.04

CM Punk vs. James Gibson
The Florida Rumble - Lakeland, FL - 12.17.04

All in all a pretty good DVD to pick up if you happen to see it for sale somewhere - be warned, the suspension built by waiting for delivery from mail order might leave you feeling let down.

Twenty years

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:49:00 +0000

I turn twenty tomorrow. It happens to be the 20th anniversary of the first ever Summerslam too. Here's my look back on my 20 years in and out of pro wrestling.

I loved wrestling from a very early age. I had all of the action figures - Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Jake the Snake, The Undertaker, The Ultimate Warrior - the list goes on.

I loved everything about it. But the thing was that I never actually watched it. Wrestling was only really shown on Sky, and guess what we didn't have!

Yup, wrestling was my favourite thing in the world and I'd never actually watched it.

I'd learn about it from the older kids in the street who did have Sky. They taught me everything I needed to know. I've known the Ultimate Warrior's entrance theme for what seems like eternity. I even named my bike "The Ultimate Warrior". Though if I'd have done that now, I'd obviously be sued by the man-mental himself.

Having not seen any wrestling, I had no idea that it was about good guys and bad guys. Just look at the short list of action figures up there. They were all my favourites, but how many of them have always been face? I was a four year old who, in 1992, thought heels were the best. I pre-date the IWC by pretty much an entire decade!

There was then a period where I didn't really think about wrestling. It was probably about 5 or 6 years. But then we got Sky. The engineer was just doing a demo and happened to put wrestling on.

Lo and behold, I see the very same Undertaker that I had an action figure of when I was younger. He was in an inferno match against Kane. The only difference was that Taker was more gothic. But I was captured by the magic of wrestling again. The object of the match was to set your opponent on fire! As a 9 year old, this was unbelievable. Add to that the fact that Paul Bearer came down to the ring and set a teddy bear on fire to make Vince McMahon break down in tears, and you're talking entertainment.

If l337 had been invented back then, my mind would have been thinking "WTF?!".

I was hooked into it at a great time. The Corporation and the Ministry of Darkness were going at it. Edge and Christian had recently debut'd and were ripping up the undercard, as were the Hardyz. And did I mention D-X? The Attitude era is often looked back on fondly, and it's not just because it's looked at nostalgically, it was an excellent time to be a wrestling fan. X-Pac was credible enough to be my favourite wrestler at the time! Though having said that, I do miss the fact that I can't suspend my disbelief anything like I used to be able to.

But it was all a mystery to me. I knew it was "fake". But I didn't know how fake. I thought they might know a few moves in a match and maybe the ending, but the feuds were something beyond that, they actually felt real.

I eventually lost interest again due to becoming a teenager and doing other things and being teased for liking wrestling.

This was around the time Brock Lesnar was getting pushed and wrestlers' entrance music started to suck. All the music started to suck. Compare this to what you have now. Notice the absence of women in the montage too (with the exception of Trish Stratus getting put through a table from the top rope and Chyna who doesn't even count). Wrestling had balls at that time. That music meant "YEAH! MANLY WRESTLING TIME!". The music for Raw now just means "Oh it's that stupid band whose record company got them onto Raw, must be time for wrestling". It's no wonder I drifted away from wrestling.

I got back into wrestling about 2 or 3 years ago thanks to my meeting of now good friend Chris Brooker. He is the rainman of wrestling. Ask him anything, and he will give you the answer. Forget about using Wikipedia, this is your source from now on.

I got back into it because I saw how much he loved wrestling and thought that it was something that I used to love, so why couldn't I enjoy it as much as he did now? Well, quite simply, the quality of it was a reason to not enjoy it. Some people might say that John Cena was enough reason to not watch it. But I got back into it, maybe even in spite of myself. A few months later I was off to see my first ever live wrestling event. Goldust was even on the card. It turned out that not a lot had changed!

Wrestling will always be there in my life. I was born on the same day as Summerslam, it must be something to do with fate!

Interestingly I share my birthday with Michael Jackson, Lenny Henry and GG Allin. GG Allin is particularly interesting because of the severity of his mentalness. Known for being an outrageous performer and for crapping onstage and being naked and general violence at his shows, his final gig had him throwing himself through a sheet of glass while naked before marching the crowd at the show through the streets of Manhattan to get to the after party. Having taken a bit too much heroin, GG died. Except everybody at the party thought he was just doing an Andrew WK and was partying a bit too hard. Fans posed for pictures with the "passed out" GG while he was covered in excrement and dead.

What does this have to do with wrestling? A few years ago, VH1 made a list of the "most outrageous moments in music". The night of GG Allin's death only made number 4 on the list. Number one was a certain singer who, while past her heyday, was performing outdoors and a bird managed to hit the bullseye and crap directly into her mouth. This singer was of course everybody's favourite faux-gypsy Cyndi Lauper, an integral part of the MTV rock and wrestling connection that exposed WWF to a mainstream audience back in the day. Heck, Lou Albano is even in the video for 'Girls just wanna have fun'!

Anyway, who remembers hardcore matches?!

Whooo! - British wrestling gets a turn out for the books

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 12:55:00 +0000

1PW, arguably Britain's biggest (but certainly most controversial) wrestling promotion, has had a turbulent few weeks lately.

On the 2nd of August, Steven Gauntley announced that he was stepping down from being in control of the promotion. Having previously said the same in the past and then sneakily getting back into a position of authority, things were different this time because Gauntley had actually sold the company.

Three british wrestlers, Dragon Aisu, Jon Cameron and El Ligero, were the buyers. Most of the internet community thought that they were idiots for buying a company that inevitably had bad debts. Showing once again that the IWC knows better than anyone else, the buyers did what normally happens in the world of business by buying the company's assets. A company's assets include its name, trademarks and physical belongings - but not its' debts. It's quite tempting to go off on one here about how the IWC thinks they know better than everyone about everything, but I think I should save my bile for another post.

Regardless of the opinion of some sweaty, fat thirty-something-and-still-living-at-home's thoughts which were articulated through sausage fingers onto a keyboard with a worn out F5 key ("REFRESH! WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE RESPOND?! MY OPINION'S IMPORTANT!"), 1PW had new owners and hopefully a new direction.

After the 1PW resurrection of early 2007, the company started spending less money on importing stars in a an attempt to stem the flow of cash that was gushing from the company's balance sheet much like blood from Invader III's lungs (WARNING: That video's MENTAL). The fans responded well to a move that was intended to provide longevity to a fledgling company.

But it wasn't to be. Owner Steven Gauntley released a press statement declaring that he'd sold the company to the three previously mentioned wrestlers. However quite interestingly, the statement included the following:

Steven is currently unable to access the internet so please forgive the vague nature of the above, but we wanted to let the fans know what was happening as soon as possible.

What a strange thing to include in a press release. Gauntley had allegedly had his internet connection cut off for not paying the bills. There were also allegations of Gauntley dipping his hand into the bank accounts of people who'd paid for 1PW merchandise with their credit cards (I said 1PW was controversial!).

A few weeks ago, I was pondering whether or not I should go to 1PW's Third Anniversary Show at the Doncaster Dome on October 18th. Delirious was already scheduled to appear. I thought and thought about it, deciding that it was probably too far and expensive to really go just to see one guy.

However last week, 1PW made one of the biggest announcements to come from a British wrestling promotion in some time.

They'd signed Ric Flair to appear.

My wife, seeing how excited I was, got me a pair of ringside tickets. I felt like I had the right to mark out for a bit.

But as I look forward to what will no doubt be an unforgettable night of wrestling, there are questions that still need answering. Is this the same 1PW? Will this show finish BEFORE midnight (unlike many in 1PW's past)? And will it break even?

If it wasn't for 1PW's mindless army of die hard fans, it wouldn't have seen so many resurrections. But if it wasn't for 1PW's mindless army of die hard fans, Steven Gauntley wouldn't have pissed away the company's money with no form of business model in an attempt to impress them with the cards he'd put together.

I hope for the sake of 1PW, and British wrestling in general, that the Third Anniversary show is a success. They don't need to break even on the first night, they just need new fans. They say that the casual fan is where the real money is in wrestling, but in Britain, it's definitely with families. It's seen as "something for the kids" here by most people, and appealing to families is the key to success - just look at GPW in Wigan.

Anyway, if there was a point to this post, I've forgotten it. But what you should never forget is how stupid internet wrestling fans are for thinking they know everything.

Peace.

Wrestling and Improv

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 16:33:00 +0000

I recently got The Best of Pro Wrestling Guerrilla because of its superb value for money. It's set me off on a quest to see as much PWG as I possibly can.

I recently got my hands on Roger Dorn Night, a show worth buying, if not for the wrestling, then just to see the greatest promo of all time.

You may or may not know that I perform improv comedy with ComedySportz. One of the first things you learn in improv is "Yes and...". The principle of agreeing to what's offered, and then adding to it. Wrestling matches tend to be full of "yes and-ing", but it's not very often that you'll see a pre-scripted promo getting interrupted and the wrestler doing a "yes and" on the mic.

After the main event of Roger Dorn Night (a Four-way match for the PWG title between El Generico (c), Bryan Danielson, Kevin Steen and Davey Richards), Steen cuts a promo in which he challenges Richards to a no.1 contender's match.

Except things don't really go as planned...

The second plane is where the gold is at. As soon as Steen snapped, I was hoping that he'd let me mark out by using my favourite pro wrestling cliché - "Southwest - I'M CALLING YOU OUT!".

Not letting it disrupt the purpose of the promo, Steen gets right back into it and continues to challenge Richards on the basis that he may as well challenge him while he waits for a reply from Southwest Airlines.

Absolutely fantastic, and a classic example of "Yes and".

Stunt Midget

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 22:37:00 +0000

Having wasted an evening looking for inspiration for a new, insightful blog post that could be considered as a serious piece of wrestling journalism, I've decided to just post one of the greatest wrestling videos to appear on YouTube.

Originally found at WrestlingGoneWrong.com, I've linked it from YouTube for the sake of practicality.

I don't know where to start with this.

I absolutely love this video. From the second I first watched it, to the millionth time I've just re-watched it. Everything about it is great. There is so much in it that I love so much. The way he flips, the fact that he's a dwarf, the extreme force with which he's hit, the fact that he's in a tiny (and most likely custom made) ape suit, and the way the Chuckle Brothers do a "To me, to you" on him at the end of the clip.

I absolutely LOVE this clip though, for the sole reason that it has relieved anger that has been pent up in me for about 6 years. Anger I didn't even know that I had.

If you've been online since the days of 56k, you'll most likely be aware of this guy...

BonziBuddy.

Bonzi was a piece of software that was so irritating, that once you had downloaded it, you realized that pissing sand was probably a better hobby than browsing the internet.

Search for him on YouTube and you'll see what I mean.

He served no purpose other than irritating you, and slowing your computer down. And when your 56k connection was hardly ever at full speed before downloading this memory-hogging simian bastard, you see the kinds of problems he would cause to your online activities.

The relief and massive sense of catharsis that I felt when watching that video was unbelievable. I was happy to see the little monkeyman fly, but I knew that I was even happier on a deeper level for some unknown reason.

BonziBuddy, eat the dirt.

Orton ISN'T injured

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:37:00 +0000

WWE.com yesterday announced that Randy Orton fell off a motorcycle and re-injured his broken collar bone.

I'm sorry to say it, but that is weapons grade Balonium.

Orton is legitimately injured, but this motorcycle stuff is a load of crap? How am I so sure of this?

Click here or here to see what Randy Orton was actually up to this weekend.

Unless Orton was actually riding his bike on the flight home, then his re-injuring his clavicle is impossible.

My theory is that he's asked to have more time off so that he can spend it with his new family. He's off TV anyway, so why not keep him off TV longer? It's not like ratings hit rock bottom as soon as he was injured.

Plus, why not pull a Cena? Remember how John Cena was destined to miss Wrestlemania XXIV? What a swerve to have him show up three months earlier than planned to win the Royal Rumble!

This is WWE working the marks. There aren't any details about his injury anywhere other than WWE.com. Surely the wrestling rumormill will have been all over this straight away!

WWE creative is being at their most creative.

As Public Enemy said, DON'T BELIEVE THA HYPE!

Braden's Walking - Releases galore

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 08:36:00 +0000

My first post at Wrestling101.com is up.

Here's a taster...

Because I feel this blog's been lacking in real jokes recently, I'm going to start with a traditional joke format.

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Opportunity"
"GO AWAY"

That's exactly what we've seen happen recently with Chris Harris (a.k.a. Braden Walker), who by some miracle or other, was eventually released from his WWE contract this week.

Wildcat Chris Harris was incredible in TNA. America's Most Wanted were the best tag team in North American wrestling since the New Age Outlaws were still called the New Age Outlaws. Tag wrestling was generally in decline, but this was a team that was sure to slow down that process. Harris was a seven-time NWA tag champ.

Check out the rest at Wrestling101.com or by clicking the banner below.

Promotion

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:52:00 +0000

As is the way of the wrestling business, I've spent a year posting right here on this blog and have made the metaphorical move up from developmental to TV.

I'll be writing this blog for Wresting101.com from now on.

You can keep checking here for updates though as I'll be posting links here to every post I make over there.

What I write at Wrestling101.com will be exclusive for them. I'll also post exclusive content here when I think I'm being far too offensive or insensitive for a proper website.

Anyway, thanks for reading this blog and keeping me motivated whilst writing it. As I say, I'll keep posting here, so keep leaving comments (though it'll look good on me if you comment wherever the full post is).

Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves.

Peace out.

Marks 'n' smarks

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 19:21:00 +0000

This post is epic. But bare with me and the payoff will be worth it.

There are bits of jargon and slang within every niche market and subculture. Pro wrestling is no exception.

I'd like to focus in this post on two terms in particular that are associated with pro wrestling - they are 'Mark' and 'Smark'.

First, 'Mark'. As anyone who's ever seen an episode of 'The Real Hustle' will know, the target of a confidence scam is known as a mark.

According to Dictionary.com...

15. Slang.
a. an object of derision, scorn, manipulation, or the like: He was an easy mark for criticism.
b. the intended victim of a swindler, hustler, or the like: The cardsharps picked their marks from among the tourists on the cruise ship.

This is where the term enters the pro wrestling lexicon. Wrestling can trace its roots back to the days of travelling carnival shows. Some of these shows had the aim of conning and tricking the honest punters, or 'marks'. This is true whether they were on the coconut shy, the duckpond or the wrestling ring.

So when wrestling made its break from the travelling shows, the lingo would obviously stick, and anyone who was wrapped up into believing that what they were witnessing was legitimate competition would be known as a mark. This meaning is still used today when referring to people who believe a bit too much. When people are getting completely absorbed by the show, it's known as 'Marking out'.

The term was used in a derogatory way by the wrestlers back then, and it's used in a derogatory way by some fans (who we'll look at in more detail shortly) that know that wrestling's pre-determined when referring to people who seem to get a bit caught up in the hocus pocus of it all.

A story was recently published in PowerSlam magazine about a former writer who was eventually kicked out of his job by Stephanie McMahon for being "too much of a mark" (read it here). Stephanie even told this poor writer that if the wrestlers found out that he was a "super-mark", he'd never get their respect. Something that somewhat implies that things haven't changed too much behind the scenes of pro wrestling since the days of the travelling shows.

The apparent opposite of a 'Mark' is a 'Smark'. The word 'Smark' is essentially a name invented by members of the Internet Wrestling Community (IWC) who wanted to feel superior to people who enjoyed wrestling at face value. It's a shortened version of "smart mark". Someone who was "smart" to the wrestling business (even since its days in the travelling shows) was someone who knew that there was a pre-determined element to it all. So a smart-mark (or smark) is one who enjoys pro wrestling despite knowing that match outcomes are pre-planned.

One final phrase that I'll briefly cover that is probably necessary to understanding this post is 'Kayfabe'. Kayfabe (possibly pig latin for 'Fake', again from the Carnival days) is the idea that everything that happens in the ring is absolutely 100% legitimately real. For example, kayfabe was threatened way back in 1987 when various news sources picked up on the story that Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Iron Shiek, apparently mortal enemies in the ring, had been arrested together for possession of marijuana. Despite being one of the funniest and most ridiculous things to happen in wrestling, it opened the eyes of many fans to the true nature of the business (or at least confirmed their suspicions), and that these two guys, rather than hate each other, were actually pretty good friends.

The most important breaking of Kayfabe might not be seen as such. But after the Montreal Screwjob (You need to read that link if you don't know what it is - I'm not explaining it here), there was a pretty public falling out between Bret Hart and Vince McMahon with many statements about how the match was supposed to finish. Kayfabe was thrown right out of the window for the sake of two peoples' egos. It had become public knowledge that wrestling matches had pre-determined finishes.

The implications of this lead to the Attitude era for WWE. McMahon became the evil boss - the foil of Stone Cold Steve Austin (who would, as you know, carry the Attitude era). During this period the line was blurred between works (pre-planned stories) and shoots (legitimate beef and public dirty laundry airing), and kayfabe could be maintained because nobody was sure what was real.

Since then, we've seen the dawn of broadband. Unfortunately, this has heralded a new era for the smarks. People who I believe are becoming the new marks. I reached an epiphany when Mike Adamle was announced as Raw's GM. At this monumental news in wrestling, I hurried, like the rest of my smark brethren, to the internet. Everybody in the IWC thought that it was the worst idea of all time. They thought this because they had a legitimate hatred of Adamle because of his crappy commentary. They couldn't believe that they were giving more TV time to this idiot. Meanwhile, I was in disbelief at what I was reading. This was one of the greatest swerves of modern times. The most hated man on WWE TV was put into a position where he was meant to be hated. Yet people were angry. How was this a bad move?

The Iron Shiek was legitimately hated by fans in the 80s because he was Commie scum - he drew heat better than copper wire. So when they put someone who's legitimately hated by fans (not for being a Commie, but just by sucking hard) into the limelight in 2008, the fans, or rather, the smarks (who know better) think that it's a stupid idea.

The smarks are, dare I say it, marking out!

The more I thought about it, the more I realized smarks were out of the wrestling loop. The idea of mock-battles is inherently ridiculous. Anyone involved in it shouldn't be taken seriously. Yet search on Google for "professional wrestling" and you get hundreds of "news" sites. Apparently reliable sources for backstage gossip. I've used them as sources for this blog in the past (heck, even this post!), but they definitely need to be looked at with caution and not accepted without question - this is the same as every news source, but it's a simple thing that most smarks (who know better) overlook for whatever reasons they may have.

Smarks are the new marks. Using semi-shoot angles is a way to capture their imaginations. The non-questioning of dubious news sources is them suspending their disbelief. KAYFABE LIVES ON!

The matches themselves have changed to make marks of the smarks. Every smark knows that a textbook bump is one that's taken flatly on the back. Most indy feds are full of sick piledrivers and brainbusters that look absolutely brutal. These bumps are obviously not that brutal because they wouldn't be so common if they were.

Yet when people land somewhat awkwardly or in an unorthodox fashion, smarks and marks alike cringe. I've even seen a matche where a concerned fan shouts to a wrestler in the ring "STOP LANDING ON YOUR HEAD!" after he took two consecutive bumps on his head.

I'd sum up this blog by saying that smarks are the new marks. But it's not that simple. If smarks were the new marks, then there'd be a gap at the top of the pecking order for people who were up to speed with the secrets of the wrestling business. The thing is, people who are "Smart" have always been there. The only thing that's changed is that there's a bigger gap in the gulf of knowledge between people who are smarks and those that are smart than there's ever been.

I'll finish with a piece of advice. If you're a smark, stop taking yourself so seriously. You don't know everything there is to know about wrestling, nor will you ever. So stop posting things on the internet that make it look like you think you know everything about wrestling.

My most controversial post yet? Possibly. Hit that comment button.

The evolution of World of Sport

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 08:52:00 +0000

This week, in my pursuit to support wrestling in the local area, I went with a couple of friends to see some wrestling in Rhyl.

Before going, I expected the action to be a bit old-fashioned in style, and the audience to be made up entirely of Scouse families on holiday. I also suspected that this show was run by British (and Welsh) wrestling legend, Orig Williams. Sure enough, the first person I saw as I walked into the venue was El Bandito himself.

The first wrestler who came out was apparently Scottish. Drew MacDonald or something as generically Scottish as that. The first thing I noticed about this guy, other than the fact that he was about 50 years old and somewhere near 24 stone, was his incredible sun tan. Something that I wouldn't expect from a Scottish person. It was such a dark tan that when I jokingly said to my friends "I wonder how he got a tan like that in Scotland" that I felt uneasy for a second while I thought he may not have been Caucasian, and that I was being racist.

Straight away, this guy asked the audience "Who here's from England?". When the entire audience cheered, I realised that this show, rather than exploiting or capitalizing on the tourists, was reliant on it. "That would explain the smell" he continued. I'm sure it was coincidental, but Rhyl Town hall's concert room actually stank of piss. Cue massive booing and a huge cheer for the face who then came in.

Orig was sat at a table at the back of the room with a microphone. The idea being that he started chants and put over the more ambiguous moves ("That looked like a finger to the eye to me").

Earlier this week, Eric Bischoff said that commentary is one of the hardest things to do in the wrestling business (source). And if you were there on Thursday, you'd agree that Orig was backing up Bischoff's words. It was embarrassing if I'm honest. But if you're going to become a legend in wrestling, inhibition has to be the first thing out of the window.

The wrestling itself was slow-paced. It was just like watching an episode of World of Sport. The wrestlers themselves had the most generic of gimmicks. One of the biggest faces was a bloke named "Deano". And that's all he had to his character - Deano the crowd favourite. And this was the company's biggest and most over face. I couldn't believe how over he was.

The quality of the overall product was poor, but not from lack of effort. It's just that none of the wrestlers seemed believable to me. It was difficult to suspend my disbelief for long enough to not think that these were all people with day jobs.

But do you know what? That didn't matter one bit. There were about 300 people there that night, the vast majority were children who do have the ability to suspend their disbelief, or are maybe even innocent and naive enough to think that what they're seeing is genuine competition. They cheered when they were meant to, booed when they were meant to, and shouted at the babyfaces to turn around when it looked like the heel was about to sneak up on them. It was such a hot crowd that every spot got the right pop at the right time. This wasn't because the crowd were humouring the performers, it shows that the performers were doing their jobs properly.

And who cares if I didn't like it? I'm going to keep spending my money on wrestling even if I see something that I didn't enjoy as much as a PWG DVD or some other indy fed's show. It's the kids who made up the majority of that crowd who need to be hooked and need to enjoy it. If they don't enjoy watching wrestling now, then they won't enjoy it when they've got their own money to spend on it and the industry dies.

I couldn't care less about Orig's commentary either. It must be weird for kids who are used to watching wrestling on TV to go to a live show and not hear any commentary. I was surprised to not hear commentary when I went to see my first live wrestling show, and this was when I was 18 years old! It was a security blanket of some sort that did what it was supposed to by hyping up the wrestlers in the ring and bridging the gap between what most of the kids were used to (commentary) and a new experience (no commentary).

It wasn't WWE, and it wasn't trying to be. The basics were done correctly - Deano was only so over because the Scottish guy was such a good heel. Stories were told, and a face won the last match to send everyone home happy.

Orig showed why he's held in such high esteem within the British wrestling scene by getting kids hooked on wrestling - mission accomplished.

EDIT:
I have since learned that Drew McDonald is also somewhat of a legend on the UK scene. I'm quite embarrassed by my ignorance.

This post contains the worst Mike Adamle joke of all time

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:43:00 +0000

Ow man how awesome was Raw?! What? What do you mean "No it wasn't. We've seen the worst possible angle of all time"?

The Adamle swerve is a stroke of creative genius. I genuinely mean that aswell. It seems that the IWC collectively thinks that it's stupid. But that's because they're being marks and not smarks.

WWE is trying to move its content to be more realistic, more UFC if you will. By doing it, move-calling by announcers is banned, and good old-fashioned X-Pac heat becomes plain, old heat. Mike Adamle is hated by fans for his poor calling, not knowing wrestlers' names (Jeff Harvey!) and for just being named 'Mike Adamle'. He sucks so much that it wouldn't be unknown for him to be called 'Mike BADamle' (I wrote this entire post on the premise of that awful, awful, diabolical pun. At least I didn't mislead you with the title). Dropping Adamle in as the GM of Raw makes him the biggest heel there! GENIUS!

I don't care what you say, you'll never change my opinion that putting Mike Adamle as the GM of Raw is genius.

I've been desperate for wrestling news all week since the Sandman's arrest and loads has come along today.

First of all, Stephanie McMahon gave birth to her and Triple H's second daughter yesterday/today. She weighs in at about 8 pounds - Snitsky would definitely have the weight advantage there.

Also worthy of note is that Freddie Prinze Jr. has joined WWE's creative team. There's a blog post there waiting to happen.

But the highlight of all wrestling "news" has to be the fact that somebody found my blog this week by searching on Google for "Orlando Jordan nude". The thing that makes this better is that they were directed to a post I made a while back about the Ultimate Warrior - check out the post's heading by clicking here.

Anyway, I'll leave you with an essay question:

Mike Adamle rules. Discuss.

Answers on a postcard.

Sandman sends himself to sleep

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 12:42:00 +0000

On Sunday night, former ECW champion The Sandman was arrested in New York City for charges including "second degree assault".

Police were called to a restaurant in NYC when (presumably drunk guessing from that mughsot) Sandman started throwing glasses at staff. When the fuzz arrived, our ECW hardcore "hero" injured two officers when he turned his crosshair onto them.

Since his arrest, the Sandman's been ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

While UFC's own 'arrestee' Rampage Jackson (who funnily enough, went on a rampage. Seriously, check that link, it's incredible) apparently "hardly ever drinks" according to UFC boss Dana White, this is most certainly the absolute opposite.

Sandman is possibly in a worse state than Jake "The Snake" Roberts has been in recent years. At least (by most accounts) Jake kept his demons outside of the ring and was professional within it. That's certainly not the case with The Sandman. The video I'm about to post rivals the video of The Great Khali and Giant Silva that I posted almost a year ago in the abomination stakes.

I'm sorry if you sat through that. The greatest thing is the irony of The Sandman falling asleep during the match. He was also going to make the save on his former ECW roster-mate Spike Dudley. However, the save didn't happen for 6 minutes. What an absolute moron.

The video pretty much speaks for itself.

At one point, the person who edited the video asks how much Sandman is being paid. I can tell you for a fact that he asks for $1,450, with $200 of that up front (Source).

It's sad to watch that video. Not because a once great wrestler is appalling in the ring these days, because he's always been an absolutely appalling wrestler (Lord alone knows how he got over). It's not sad because that small indy fed has forked out 2 months' worth of door money to get him to piss all over their show. But it's sad because an individual (regardless of who they are) is selling themselves short and showing themselves up like that.

UPDATE: The whole thing has surfaced on video. You can see it here.

Kane and his sack

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 09:01:00 +0000

Contrary to this blog's title, the post won't be about Kane's mentally scarred scrotum. In fact, today I will be continuing from last week's post, and my thoughts on the current angle on Raw in which Kane's going psycho and, as of this week, carrying a burlap sack with him.

The idea of Paul Bearer making a return is, to be fair, weapons' grade balonium.

In fact, the most logical and sensible theory on the outcome of this angle, is one that I read on a wrestling forum. I was actually shocked that a member of the IWC was able to come up with such a plausible theory.

The theory is that Kane asking "Is he alive or is he dead?" is actually about his former self - the masked, long-haired mute that we all loved. Which may sound stupid, but with Glen Jacobs' past (Isaac Yankem DDS, Fake Diesel and my personal favourite, The Christmas Creature), this would be one of the least stupid angles the man's been involved with. Especially when you think that the Attitude-era's savage mute character was motivated by his lifelong rejection and hideous scarring, only that all turned out to be in his mind - his character being turned into an insecure retard overnight.

The sack that Kane's lugging about and keeping secret about, contains his mask.

An excellent idea. Not only an excellent idea, but one that's backed up by Lance Storm - the man who predicted Triple H's move to Smackdown.

In this month's Fighting Spirit Magazine, Lance wrote the following...

The one thing I would like to see with the return of Kane to Raw was the return of his old look. I'd love to see Kane return to the mask and long hair, and I thought a return to Raw would have been a great time to do it.

So it's official, the Oracle has spoken. An IWC smark comes up with a theory, and Lance Storm, a person who is as respected a pro wrestling writer as he was a pro wrestler, backs him up.

As I'm sure I said last week, this angle's doing it's job because it's got people talking, so the outcome needs to have an excellent payoff.

What are your thoughts on Kane returning to his masked look? Leave a comment and spark a debate you fools!

Paul Bearer making a comeback?

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 08:31:00 +0000

The internet's been rife with speculation this week that Paul Bearer a.k.a. Percy Pringle is making a return to WWE television.

It was all kicked off when Kane made his anticipated heel-turn on Raw on monday night by killing everybody at ringside and repeatedly asking "Is he alive or is he dead?". Everybody on the internet seemed to know immediately that he was obviously asking about his storyline father, Paul Bearer, who was last seen being covered with cement by The Undertaker at 2004's Great American Bash (Click here to watch him die).

But because of the complaints that people made about WWE effectively showing a murder without repurcussions (The Undertaker remained a babyface!), the storyline was changed somewhat and on the following week's Smackdown the announcers had a coverup...

Cole: "We'd like to update you on the condition of Paul Bearer at this time. The Undertaker's once friend and confidant suffered severe internal injuries he also suffered injuries to the lungs, severe injuries to the lungs, and also to the trachea."

Tazz: "It is extremely doubtful that we'll ever see Paul Bearer on Smackdown ever again, due to the horrifiying injuries the man sustained. It's horrible."

So according to every wrestling fan on the internet, the ambiguity of Bearer's status is reflected with Kane's question.

PercyPringle.com, homepage of Paul Bearer, has had a HUGE amount of traffic this week. According to Pringle himself, 80,000 visitors in the four days since Raw aired and a further 1,000 emails asking him if he was coming back. Pringle posted a short blog under the title "Kayfabe is alive... But is Paul Bearer?". The guy's loving the attention. The payoff to this angle needs to be as good as Paul Bearer returning or it wouldn't be worth watching.

The fact that Paul Bearer's real name is Percy Pringle is hilarious. He looks so much like the Pringle guy that you could edit Wikipedia to say that the Pringles guy was based on Bearer and it wouldn't be deleted immediately as vandalism, it would just stay there awaiting a citation. It's also ironic that a guy named after the planet's most consumed potato product got to be more than 500lbs (almost 40st in UK currency) in his time off the road between 2002 and 2004. In fact, his return in 2004 for the angle which led to him dying was actually due to a clause in his contract with WWE that said they'd assist him in getting gastric bypass surgery. Click here to read my source.

Surely, this is the most outrageous example of Vince McMahon's willingness to exploit people for profit - preying on a fat guy's health issues.

So Paul Bearer looks to be coming back. Even if he's not, the interest drummed up by this angle is far higher than WWE have managed recently and could mean that Kane isn't jobbing to anyone for a while.

Either way, this post is littered with keywords on a relevant topic and is bound to get about a million hits from Google. Just to be sure though, Brooke Hogan does not appear nude or indeed clothed in this blog.

Let me know what you think of this Paul Bearer speculation.

Snitsky Got Served

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 20:11:00 +0000

Art imitated life on last night's RAW as CM Punk broke Snitsky's steroid-filled nose.

When CM Punk won the Heavyweight Title last week, ratings grew to be four times higher than they had been in recent months. Fast forward to last night where the Straight Edge Punk is facing baby killer and steroid eater Snitsky. In a pretty pedestrian match, Snitsky ended up sandbagging for Punk's finisher. Punk got on with it and nailed the GTS, however he broke Snitsky's nose in the process. The fact that Punk destroyed steroid-munchers in last week's ratings and to follow it up by actually destroying a steroid-muncher this week is beautiful.

I'm sure about a million people on forums have claimed that Punk did it on purpose as "revenge" for the sandbagging, but I think that it's more likely that shit happens.

If you're interested in seeing the match, then click here. For Snitsky's broken face, click here.

Speaking of people breaking things, Mickie Knuckles, known more recently as TNA's Moose, broke her leg on Sunday night in a break described as being worse than Sid's.

Check out the footage below and tell me what you think. Here's a warning, don't watch it if you're even a little bit squeamish.

EWW.

EDIT: The videos of Mickie's injury have now been removed. So as compensation, here's Mickie Knuckles on Jerry Springer...

There are four parts to it. Enjoy!

Support your local fed!

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 20:20:00 +0000

Nothing too in-depth or clever about this week's post. I'm just telling you that you need to support your local wrestling company.

A while back, a colleague in work handed me a flier that he'd found in Chester for a wrestling school in the area. Having logged onto the company's website almost immediately, it turned out that this company's next show was only three days away. Better than that, their next show was literally only fifty yards away from my house - I've spat further distances.

Having failed to convince everyone I know to go to the show with me, it was only a small group of us who went. Myself, two friends and my wife (Yes, a wrestling fan with a wife. Unbelievable!).

When we arrived at the venue, it turned out that we were the only people there who weren't with the wrestling company. But rather than feel inhibited, which would only be natural, we were determined to have a good time. The best thing about watching your local grassroots fed is that because of the small numbers in the crowd, you have a direct influence on the show.

This couldn't have been more true than when apparently the company's biggest heel was cutting a promo telling us all how he was going to win a tournament that evening and how easy it was going to be.

"JUST LIKE YOUR MUM!" I interjected.

I believe I just scored a headshot.

Everybody in the building was laughing, including our villainous promo-cutter.

They were thinking of calling the night's show off when nobody turned up. But when we walked in, their boss decided to go through with the show. I can't be grateful enough for that decision. It was one of the best nights out I'd had in a while and it was because I'd near enough just had my own private wrestling show.

The good news for this fed is that, based on my friends' and my testimony, more people have pledged to go to the next show. So things will just grow and grow for this particular company in this venue. But for companies who have barely anybody show up, and those people are inhibited and don't cheer or boo the wrestlers, things can't continue for them and everybody involved loses out whether they be the wrestlers themselves, the wrestling company, the venue the show's at, or good old wrestling fans.

Support your local fed, even if it means forcing reluctant friends. I did it and now they're converted.

I apologise for the lack of frequent humour in this post. It must be because there's a delicate balance between righteousness and hilarity.

Benoit

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 15:34:00 +0000

Happy Anniversary!

This week is the one year anniversary of Chris Benoit becoming so furious at his demotion to ECW in last year's draft that he slammed the Crippler Crossface onto both his wife and son. Neither tapped out and the result was disastrous for the public image of professional wrestling. Because this is hardly a comedy goldmine, don't expect this post to be too heavy on humour.

Having not showed up to take part in his match at Vengeance the night before citing 'family problems', it was revealed the day after that Chris Benoit and his family had been found dead. On hearing the news on that Monday afternoon, it was decided that instead of the normal Raw broadcast for that night, they'd have a show in tribute to the recently deceased Benoit made up of his greatest matches.

However, as the details of the circumstances surrounding Benoit's death became more apparent and more grisly, WWE looked to distance themselves from the whole gruesome affair. The following day, WWE released a press statement condemning Benoit and countering the buzz in the press that Benoit had killed his family in a fit of 'roid rage' - a newly-coined term to describe the red mist that periodically descends over steroid users. In countering the claim that steroids had anything to do with the deaths, WWE painted Benoit as a cold-hearted killer by stating that the nature of the deaths pointed to a calculated and pre-meditated attack.

Rather hastily, all previous mention of Benoit on WWE's website was removed. The last thing WWE would want other than to be associated with a murderer would be to be associated with a murderer who was on steroids. WWE's treatment of the whole affair should be considered despicable. There was a huge frenzy and media circus surrounding the whole story, and rather than try and calm things down, WWE's panicky reaction just made them look suspicious.

It was a case of life imitating art. In the weeks prior to Benoit's death, WWE were running one of the biggest storylines of recent years where Vince McMahon died in a limo explosion and his offices were being searched by the FBI. The irony that Benoit's death triggered an investigation into the company by the US government became all too apparent. When 11 wrestlers on WWE's books were named as customers, oh sorry, 'patients' of Signature Pharmacy, they were suspended immediately by the WWE under their Wellness Policy guidelines. A policy that was brought in after the premature death of Eddie Guerrero but only apparently employed and taken seriously after the death of Benoit.

All kinds of media outlets were publishing lists of wrestlers who'd died young in recent memory. However it must be said that their digging up of these deaths to make pro wrestling look bad is morally bankrupt. Where were the huge stories and witch hunts after each of the wrestlers on their lists died young? Oh yes, that's right, they didn't kill anyone else so it isn't that tragic.

It's unbelievable that despite the incredible amount of bad press that's wrongly been directed at WWE for steroid use that people like Gene Snitsky don't get fired. I'm convinced the guy's beaten up 50 teenagers and stolen their acne just to cover his own back with.

In summary, WWE hasn't learnt its lesson from all of this. The heat's died down on the whole Benoit-steroids thing and gone more onto the diagnosis that he went mental because of all of the concussions he's suffered over his career. But WWE still push huge, muscular guys who must struggle to keep in shape naturally.

You'd think, or at least keep a distant hope that tragedies like Benoit's would change the world. His and his family's deaths seem to have been in vain.

Draft Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:14:00 +0000

HOLY MOLY! Talk about your good TV! Last night's 3-hour RAW was incredible. Not only was there lots of wrestling, but what a cliffhanger! That's already three exclamation marks, I need to calm down.

So let's talk about the draft. ECW gaining a US champion smells a lot like their gain last year of a then recently uncrowned US Champ. If Matt Hardy had a wife, which he blatantly doesn't, she should be worried.

ECW's gaining of a belt that means something should hopefully elevate the C-show.

RAW gained a Mexican midget, two champions and every smark's favourite wrestler. Nothing of really huge note there at all really. Just a welcome change and an input of fresh talent to a show which only had viewers recently because they were being bribed.

If last night was a competition, Smackdown was definitely the night's winners.

I thought the addition of Foley to the announcers' table earlier this year was a masterstroke. Taking JR over to the blue brand is a stroke of even greater genius. JR's reportedly unhappy, and his own blog certainly backs that up with claims that he considered retiring because of it. Though to be honest, I have a feeling that JR, a wrestling traditionalist, is adding fuel to the flames of kayfabe. Joining Foley would be something I imagine both parties (that is Foley and JR), who share a mutual respect and have a genuine friendship with each other, were equally happy to do.

Jeff Hardy, Kennedy (...Kennedy), and most of all, Triple H joining Smackdown is incredible news. All three are superbly talented, and this kind of shake-up (especially Triple H's moving) are just what Smackdown needed. Raw needed it aswell to be honest. Triple H was holding people back from the main event on Raw, and he'd been doing it for years. At least on Smackdown there's nobody for him to hold back and he can reign somewhat convincingly.

The timing of all this re-shaping and moving of champions is all rather good aswell. What a coincidence that WWE's next PPV, Night of the Champions this Sunday, has all champions defending their titles. So if someone's taken their belt to a different brand, there's a chance for it all to be balanced out. If the bookers and writers feel that way, they can claim their belts back. The downside of this though is that the Main Event's result will be seen from a mile off. If Triple H beats John Cena, then Edge loses to Batista. The opposite is also true - that is that a Cena victory means an Edge win seeing as no brand can have both titles kicking about for too long while the other brand has nothing to boast of.

But what about the talking point of the evening? Vince McMahon's limo exploded! Oh wait, sorry, I mean he was injured by a sign. I apologise for that slip. But it was difficult not to do seeing as they're recycling storylines all of a sudden. Storylines from a year ago. Storylines that weren't seen through to the end. Storylines that they're going to see out to the bitter end whether it kills us or not. It must be a really good storyline seeing as they're so adamant for us to see it.

Also, today's the one year anniversary of Chris Benoit's work out rage attacks. I'll write about the implications of it later this week and reflect on how wrestling's changed.

Meanwhile, I encourage you to leave a comment with your thoughts on this year's draft.

The Draft

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 11:04:00 +0000

It seems inevitable that, as a pro wrestling writer, I have to make predictions for this monday's WWE Draft.

Lance Storm had some pretty good ideas on his blog earlier this week. Getting Triple H onto Smackdown would be a great way of shaking things up. But to be honest, his dislike of working on Tuesdays has been documented in the past and would certainly get in the way of making WWE TV interesting again. A feud between Triple H and Edge would be spectacular.

ECW's affiliation with Smackdown will be coming to a head next month when it jumps over to be the supporting cast for RAW. This is excellent news for CM Punk marks like myself. A call up to the Raw roster would be excellent for such a talented wrestler. Sticking about on ECW and using his Money in the Bank contract to win the third rate title would be a waste and would devalue the MITB match at Wrestlemania. Why would the wrestlers in the MITB match put everything on the line just to win the chance at the ECW title? They may as well just stick about and job to main eventers for ten years if they wanted that opportunity.

If last year's draft is anything to go by, then it should be about two weeks until the re-shaping of the roster causes an entire re-shaping of the industry and the removal of a human being from history. I would be worried if I was married to somebody who was drafted to ECW tomorrow.

Light on jokes this week perhaps, though my next entry will be looking at the death of Chris Benoit and how the entire wrestling industry has changed in the last year. So you know, more jokes are to be had in the next blog for sure!

TNA UK

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 17:06:00 +0000

I have a sore throat and I've lost my voice. As a fan of professional wrestling, that can only mean one thing - I went to see a wrestling show last night.

As I'm sure you're aware, TNA are in the UK for the first time in the company's history. There weren't too many huge names but the fact that TNA was in town was enough to draw a near enough sell out audience of around 2,000 people to Coventry's Skydome.

My friend Rossa and I got there early in the day for the Fanzone event. A great opportunity to meet the very wrestlers we'd see in action later that night.

Petey Williams seemed very miserable and as if he didn't want to be there at all. He must have been extremely tired from the day's workout. Because there's no way you look like him without working out loads.

Sonjay Dutt seemed just as miserable. Though it was probably because the queue for evil Earl Hebner was longer than his. I'm not sure why though. He came across as a weird, creepy uncle. In fact, it looks as if I'm sat on his knee in the picture I had taken of me with him.

Our seats from the fifth row were superb. The only downside was that I was squashed over onto Rossa's lap by the fat, Canadian mark sat next to me.

The atmosphere last night was incredible. I'm used to crowds being up for it who usually go nuts at the sound of the bell, calm down a bit, then pop for spots. But last night, there was noise from start to finish. It was absolutely electric. Because I'd gone with three other stand-up comedians, it was only natural that the highlights of the evening would be us dicking around.

Some mark sat near me started his own "You screwed Bret" chant at Earl Hebner when he came out. If he was older than 4 or 5 when the Screwjob happened, then whatever, he's just holding a grudge. But this kid was mark to the max. When he relented at chanting "You screwed Bret!" all on his own, I turned to the people I was with and very loudly began my own onanistic chanting.

"SUPER DRAGON!"

I'm so funny it's untrue sometimes.

The best bit may have been during a match between LAX and Petey Williams and Sonjay Dutt. Somebody sitting directly behind me yelled "MIDGET STEINER!".

I don't know who it was, but I'm ever so thankful. They gave me the ball, and I ran with it. "MIDGET STEINER! CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP CLAP..." I'm sure half the arena was chanting it at one point. Hernandez was laughing it up and even Sonjay was finding it hard not to laugh at his own tag partner.

For posterity's sake, I'll mention that Kurt Angle didn't wrestle. This isn't at all surprising considering how painfully he hobbled by at the Fanzone event earlier in the day. He came out to cut a promo and introduced Jeff Jarrett to the fans. A nice little surprise considering he's not even been on TV for about a year.

The main event happened shortly after Jeremy "Hollywood" Borash (the guy's a dick, seriously) announced that TNA would be back in the UK in January. HOORAY. The main event was essentially Samoa Joe beating the crap out of Booker T to the delight of the fans. Not a classic, but a definite crowd-pleaser.

If I remember correctly, the faces went over cleanly in almost every match. Exactly what you want if you want to please the fans as much as possible. All in all, TNA definitely have their spot in the UK market and, with the best promotion, could take on WWE here.

UPDATE: In fact, it looks as though TNA are taking on WWE here. The venues for their return tour in January are huge.

Full listings here.

You'll also notice on the latest edition of TNA Today that you can hear Rossa, Brooker, Jim and myself clearly and loudly chanting "WE SOLD OUT!". Click here to watch.

The Wrestling Boot Band

noreply@blogger.com (Jim Gillette) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 11:40:00 +0000

Before I start writing this, it seems that nobody clicks on the links I put in these posts. You really should, you know. Because if you click, you get rewarded with a joke. Anyway.

I returned home from work one day to find a package waiting for me. With my Welsh address untidily scribbled onto the package by a confused American, I knew it could only be one thing...

As I ripped the cellophane off the CD, I couldn't do anything to stop myself from drawing parallels to The Orange One ripping his own shirt off.

When you listen to this album, it's unbelievable to think that it was released in 1995. That's not to say it was decades ahead of it's time. It's clearly influenced by generic music from the 1980s.

The music was written by Jimmy Hart along with The Hulkster.

The lyrics are a thing of beauty.

"I was walking down the beach, looking for some action/Had my radio set on a rap rap station/Saw a girl in trouble, a sticky situation/She wanted me to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation"

Then, in a talking-over-the-solo type move á la Shawn Michaels' "Hands off the merchandise", the Immortal Hulk Hogan utters the immortal line...

"Ooh, I found a new vein in my tricep"

This album, and the liner notes, completely epitomise why Hulk's heel turn was such a huge thing. The non-stop mention of Hulkamaniacs and the fact that Hulk is the most requested human being in the Make-a-wish foundation's history are why Hulk's association with the nWo made them the biggest heat magnets in wrestling for decades (and decades to come I'd imagine).

Maybe poor sales of this album are the reason WCW turned Hulk heel. Maybe Eric Bischoff thought that Hulk had made as much money as possible as a face and that the only way to milk the cash cow further was to turn him heel.

Interestingly, the liner notes give "Special Thanx" to Eric Bischoff and a convicted criminal.