I type the title and I wonder to myself if there really was such a thing.  I'm sure the thought of "simpler times" is relative.  Lately things have been completely crazy and I mean CRAZY - it's budget time and then there are the increased responsibilities which I am happy to take on.  I come home and look at my boys and marvel how they've grown up just since I left for work in the morning.

A year ago, things were crazy - maybe not as much - and I never fathomed that they could get crazier.  I was wrong because things are even more busy now than they were a year ago.  It is all relative.  A couple of years ago we had our place on the market and had a bid on another place.  When I think about those days I realize that I was probably more stretched back then than I am now.  In reality, it's probably as busy for me now as it was in 2007 but the difference is that I have to live through the present and I survived 2007.

Not sure I am making any sense.  I tend to ramble when my brain is fried!

with toothpicks like they do in the cartoons actually work?  What about scotch tape?  Seriously, I cannot seem to keep my eyes open.  I am THAT tired!

There are so many things that I need to do that sometimes if I think about it too much, I get completely freaked out.  Freaking out is never helpful, but seriously I am afraid.  I'm afraid that there are so many things at home that need my attention that I'm unable to get to them all.  I'm afraid that new responsibilities at work are too much for me to handle (even though I know that I can call on others to help).  I'm afraid that my health is suffering because of all the stress I'm under.

And, the biggest fear is that I'm afraid that I will disappoint myself and others.  It's a lot of stress and 80% of it is self-imposed.  After all, there are 2 of us at home to take care of the boys and the household.  Actually, it's more like 1.25 people - I am the .25.  And, there are other people at work that I can delegate things to.  The only thing that I really should be concerned about is my health and what I'm doing to myself by putting these ridiculous demands on myself.

I swear, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  I can't just hide away and wait for the things that need to get done to go away or get taken care of all by themselves.  So, what to do about this?  What else - make a list.  I haven't made a list of things that need to be addressed in a long time.  I think I just need to sit and make a list; break the items down into the some semblance of order; and take them on one at a time.  I know that's what I need to do, but I'm still afraid.  

How quickly a mood can turn.  Shortly after I wrote my last post, I started feeling a bit adrift.  Sometimes it takes every ounce of energy I have just to breathe - in and out and in and out. . .  Honestly, it's so exhausting sometimes.  The horrible part is that I would both love and hate it to sit and do nothing.  I wish I wasn't wired this way.  I know that if I can just ride out this period of darkness, I will be okay.  The dark never lasts very long.

Someone once said, "Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  Today is a gift - that's why we call it the present."  

Lately I have been wanting to go back in time to when things seemed more simple.  I say SEEMED because at the time I am sure that I didn't think that they were simple.  I am sure that I thought those times were just as complicated, stressful, and draining as the present has been.

Yes, I didn't have to deal with being a manager and having to deal with personnel issues but there were always work issues.  Seriously, those are a constant and I am mindful that there are a lot of things I cannot control.  I'm sure I had the same home issues like a not-as-neat-as-I'd-like house.  The one thing that I can say is better today than before is the boys.

The oldest one has settled into a school routine and has been potty-trained for almost a year; the youngest one is well on his way.  I can be happy that this year, we don't have summer camp issues.  There are times when I wish we could rewind and replay parts of life similar to TiVo.  Yeah, that will never happen!

When I got home this evening from work, I couldn't wait to see my sons.  I was heads down working all day today and before I knew it, it was time to go home.  When I walked through the door, I heard unhappy sounds.  The youngest one was crying and was on his way to the tub while the oldest one was crying about getting on the Metra Train.  Let's just say that it wasn't the happiest homecoming, but at least I was home!

Things settled down quickly and I was able to eat dinner and watch my boys play on the computer.  As I watched them play on their favorite sites - Honda for the oldest and Starfallsfor the youngest - I realized that they were both humming and fidgeting.  I'm not sure if you've ever sat with 3 and 4 year olds, but when they're humming and fidgeting they are a bit odd.  Let's just say that it's not unlike the mating rituals of seals.  

Have a look - they're cute but hard to relax around.

I've let things slide because of work - I admit it.  I have high expectations of myself and I often fall short.  What happens next is that I spend a lot of time beating myself up for the fact that I have not been abe to reach my lofty goals.  This time I am thinking that I'm not going to waste my time beating myself up because,well, it isn't exactly what I would call a productive use of time.

Instead, I'm using the time to make plans on how to fix things.  Could this potentially be dangerous?  Yes.  Only because I probably am not allowing myself the time to take a step back and look at how I've objectively screwed up.  Yeah, yeah there's that "beating myself up" language, but you couldn't expect that it wouldn't creep in.

Here's the thing.  I recognized that I'm pulled in a zilliondifferent directions, but I'm finally realizing that it's a matter of prioritizing the directions I'm being pulled in.  For example, I've always known that my family is more important than work but during the week I spend more of my energy on work.  Knowing what's important and actually putting that into practice are 2 different things.

So now I'm forcing myself to compartmentalize work and personal and family.  I'm making plans with these differences in mind.  Why the change?  Because if I don't, I won't have a hope in surviving.

"They" say that when the going get's tough, the tough get going.  And, while I'd love to believe that saying is true I am starting to wonder if "they" know anything.  The going hasn't gotten that tough for me - no more than usual - but I am finding it hard to be the "tough get going part."

In addition to the normal crazy that is going on in my life right now (the boys being "released" for summer) there are things that are home related that I'm finding that I'm behind in.  For example, I remembered on Saturday during a ride home from an errand that I had forgotten to sign up for the tuition plan at school.  I'm hoping that the boys don't lose their spot in preschool because that would not only be a failure on my part, but a devastation for the boys.  Both of them need to have a regular schedule.  And, while it's preschool for them and I'm sure we could find another one, the comfort that the oldest boy feels with this school cannot be bought.

Then there are the bills that I woke up early this morning to pay and the "to do" list at work that I must face.  It's bad enough that I put in a near 60 hour work week last week, but I honestly have no idea how in the world I will ever get to the top 5 things on my list at work.  There is this ever-present feeling of failure I have for both work and home.

I'm grouchy and stressed and haven't made time for myself to get to the gym.  I'm eating horribly and I'm not sleeping (which is pretty much the norm for me - the sleeping part).  I would love to figure out a time and place where I could unwind, but trying to schedule that makes me twitchy.  Whoever it is - this "they" - that comes up with these lovely sayings, I'd love to meet them because I would give them a piece of my "to do" list to take care of.