I have a dry-erase board in my office.  At the beginning of every week, I put up a quote and around December of 2008 I put up my new year's resolutions for 2009.  One of the resolutions that went up on my board last year was to become "cold and unfeeling."  The events in my life at the time were causing me great disappointment and heart ache and it felt as though closing my door and crying were normal occurrences.  So, I figured if I became "cold and unfeeling," I wouldn't be disappointed or hurt.  That new year's resolution was a joke because I am who I am and I'm sensitive by nature.  Cold and unfeeling just aren't things I could ever be.  Or, so I thought.

Here it is almost a year later and the events of this past year have made me less compassionate.  Or, at the very least, I have learned what is important and what is not.  There are things that, in the past, would upset me that today are just one of those things that mildly annoy me.  I'm not sure if I have truly become "cold and unfeeling" or if I've just matured or if I'm just too tired to care.  I have learned that there are things that are not worth getting angry over because there is nothing that I can do to change what happened. 

A few months ago, someone reminded me of the prayer that has been adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and almost every 12 step program:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference

I would like to think that I am better able to know the difference.

So I have been told that I have high expectations.  I don't disagree because I do - it's a character trait of mine.  I expect a lot of others and expect more from myself and I doubt that even the most disappointing outcomes will ever change that.  Which leads me to believe that I will always be heartbroken and I will always be disappointed.  I'm still trying to figure out if this can be considered a good thing.

I say this because if I didn't expect anything then there wouldn't be the joys in accomplishing goals.  Then again, if I stopped expecting things - like people to keep their word or do what they said they were going to do or at the very least don't get my hopes up - then I would probably save myself a lot of heartbreak and disappointment.

It's a toss up because I can't help myself.  I'm an eternal optimist even though I am let down.  I think that maybe next time it will be different and even when it's not, I keep thinking that.  So, either I am a complete fool or one of these days I will realize that the heartbreak and disappointment isn't so bad because that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

The funny thing about having an on line blog is that you don't always write about everything going on in your life.  But, because it IS on line and people read it, those who do read it form a certain opinion about what is going on in your life.  No Mary Anne, I'm not referring to you when I say this.  And, I'm not referring to others who have on line blogs because I think that they understand that what they write about is probably equivalent to maybe 5% of their entire life.

I'm referring to those who likely don't keep a blog but lurk.  Don't get me wrong, I do like these people - they're perfectly lovely people - but there are times when I get comments or e-mail from them that say that "[I] only write about work and not about the boys; don't [I] care about my family?"  And, I always respond - because I think it's rude not to respond to people who comment or e-mail you - that I don't write about EVERYTHING that is going on in my life.  My boys' lives are not for public consumption.  If they grow up and decide that they would like to keep a blog then it will be up to them to decide what to share and what not to share.

I'll write about how something is annoying me or how work is getting to me, but it's never really for very long.  I seem to have this gift of self-preservation and when things get too much for me at work - or anywhere else - I take action.  I'm not good at wallowing and often get so sick of myself that I have to do something about the predicament that I'm in.  So, yeah - thanks for the concerned e-mails.  I really AM okay.

I have no idea why I'm so annoyed.  It could be because I'm tired or because my brain is fried or because I feel so ridiculously fat.  It could be because I'm cleaning out e-mail and reading old stuff I really should not be reading.  It could very well be because I'm falling into a slump where I'm living my life backwards.

Okay, maybe I'm not living my life backwards, but I've spent the past hour looking back and what I'm seeing is not making me happy.  Why is it that some of us choose to relive the not-so-great moments in our lives?  Really?!?!  REALLY!?!?  Especially when there are so many good things to look forward to.

All I know is that I end up angry and annoyed.  Sometimes it just makes sense to stop when you start down that path and find something else to occupy your mind.  Unfortunately, I end up in the not-so-happy place before I realize that I should just STOP!

Way back in May, I wrote this entry in which I referred to this other entry where I felt invisible.  And, yesterday - guess what - I felt invisible.  It's a common occurrence and I'm thinking that it isn't so much a case of feeling invisible but that I am feeling a little lonely.  Yeah, I said it.  How could that possibly be that I feel lonely in a FULL house?

I mean I live in a house with 3 cats, 1 husband, 2 toddler boys, and about a TON of their toys.  I have a full life, but for some reason I have always felt somewhat lonely.  One would think that the feeling would go away as life went on - life gets busy after all.  But, there are moments when I feel like I am so alone and I wish I knew what I could do about it.

I'm on a roll with the complaining and the whining and so why should I stop?  Last night I was moping around the house because the boys went to see David's parents and hang out at the petting zoo.  You may wonder why I wasn't there and I will have to remind you all that I have terrible allergies and am fighting bronchitis.  A visit to the petting zoo would have me curled into a fetal position on the car ride home sneezing and wheezing for dear life.  Yeah, no petting zoo for me.

So moping around the house . . .   I was sitting at my laptop checking my e-mail wondering, "WHY doesn't anyone e-mail me?  WHY doesn't anyone love me?  WHY and I being so mopey?"  And, then my head started to itch - I mean really itch.  Seriously, it itched for a good 10 minutes and then *BOOM* stopped being itchy.  I know that it is said that when your ears itch, it means someone is talking about you.  But, honestly, I have no idea what it means when your head itches.