Chicken Fried Therapy

Dawn of a New Whey

2009-09-13T20:37:00.023-05:00

By Chick~ Put this on the list of things I never thought I would hear myself say: "I started my day with a hearty helping of Goat Kefir."

That's right. Today is Day #1 of my Cleanse. Not some wacky pepper cleanse, but a super healthy program custom-designed by an actual nutritionist. A woman who has introduced me to the likes of goat kefir, flax seed crackers,chicken apple sausage and other organic delicacies. For the next few weeks I will eliminate packaged and processed food, sugar, sodas, wheat/gluten, and about a million other things I like to call my best friends.

But before we delve into the cleanse, I'm sure you are wondering how I spent my final hours of food freedom. Trust me. It was a thing of beauty.

We started with a late brunch at the ever decadent Fonda San Miguel where we enjoyed tamales and ceviche and some chicken, beef, pork and lamb over rice. My favorite was the sweet Mexican corn pudding with sauteed peppers and sour cream.

From there we hooked around the corner to Ginny's Little Longhorn where Dale Watson plays every Sunday during Chicken Shit Bingo.

It's an Austin classic.

You buy a ticket with a handwritten number on it. They put a chicken in a cage that has bingo numbers all over the bottom. If the chicken poops on your number, you win the pot of cash.

Now there was some tragedy this week at Ginny's because their chicken was killed by a raccoon. So they bought a new chicken. Lo & behold, that chicken was found dead in the morning. They didn't have time to buy another on a Sunday so this chicken was a loaner named Tofu.

You know it's a sign that change is imminent when the chicken at Chicken Shit Bingo, who is performing a matter of inches from the crockpot chili hotdog buffet, is named Tofu.

Despite being a novice, Tofu worked fast, eliminating on #33.

Drat! I had #32.

Speaking of elimination and lean meat-like substances....back to the cleanse.

Well, no...actually I don't have the time or energy to type much more as I am feeling light-headed and about to start eating the paper right out of my inkjet printer. So for now you can enjoy this montage tribute to a by-gone era....

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

New Evidence Supports Theory I Am In Fact Royalty

2009-09-10T12:39:00.016-05:00

By Chick~
I probably shouldn’t even be sharing this with the world. I mean heaven forbid the Queen of England should mysteriously meet her demise, I could actually be on the short list of suspects with motive. No one believes me (or takes the time to feign interest) but I am actually a member of the royal family. You see many years ago my grandmother did some genealogy work and discovered that we are distant descendents of King Edward III. Or maybe it was Richard III, I can’t remember. Either way should Queenie move out of the way (and a few other people turn down the job) I could basically take over the throne of England.

Despite my best efforts to live a super normal life among everyday people, my royal blood rises to the surface every so often. I guess it’s a nature-nurture thing among us royals. Recently I had a lightbulb moment where my nobility merged with practicality and parenting genius ensued. Let me explain…

As luck would have it, Little Chick is a very particular eater. Instead of Princess and the Pea, we are more like Princess and the Peanut Butter. She despises vegetables. Loves burgers and pizza. It’s like she’s always in training for a marathon, carbo-loading 24/7.

On top of that, she shuttles between my house and her dad’s house in a somewhat creative, but efficient-for-us schedule. I barely know what I’m serving for dinner much less what what he’s feeding her. Toward the end of the last school year she finally threw in the gauntlet and begged for anything but pizza. Apparently she’d had it four nights in a row.

Sheesh.

So I carved out some time to focus on continuing education and self-improvemnt aimed at making me a better single mom. And by that I mean I found time to watch some re-runs on BRAVO of The Real Housewives of New York City.

Have you seen any of the Real Housewives shows? These women will instantly make you feel like a better person. Definitely a better mother.

At any rate, this episode featured the Countess Luann de Lesseps. Luann is a former model who married a Swiss count, had his children, and now is on this ridiculous reality show where she spends her time pointing out to people how they can be as classy as she is.

So…….anyway. In this particular episode she was hitting the town on a Wednesday night for a red carpet event despite the fact her son was feeling very needy and begged her to stay home. To which the Countess replied, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. It’s taco night!”

Taco night? The Countess has taco night?

And then it hit me. If taco night and scheduled meals works for the Countess and her kids, certainly they can work for us.

Royal minds do think alike after all.

So inspired by the Countless, I have instituted a weekly meal plan for Little Chick and printed it up at both of her houses, mom’s and dad’s. That way, no matter which parent has her on say…..Thursday….she always has Quesadilla Night.

It’s working like a charm. It helps with the grocery list each week. I don’t wring my hands brainstorming what to make for dinner. And I know she is getting a variety of meals through the week.

What can I say? I guess I just think like a Countess.

But don’t worry about curtsying next time you see me. I am a thoroughly modern monarch.

Please Pass the Tip Jar

2009-09-07T20:51:00.011-05:00

By Magnolia
Raise your hand if you’ve ever been to Robert’s Western World. Shame on you if you’ve never been, especially if you are a Nashvillian. It just happens to be one of my favorite spots in the world and a great place to take out of towners. Located on Lower Broad in Nashville, Robert’s is a legendary honky tonk where at any given moment you will always find great country music and loads of talent.

Jesse Lee Jones owns the joint and also heads up the House Band known as Brazilbilly. They pride themselves on playing traditional country music like Marty Robbins and George Jones, not the country/rap (C-RAP) versions that you hear today. There’s always lots of dancing, too many Pabst Blue Ribbons and plenty of people watching. Sportsfan likes to partake in the “Stimulus Package”—all beef hot dog, Lays potato chips, a moon pie and a Busch beer all for $5.

Sunday mornings at Robert’s are also a treat. It’s a combination of fantastic country gospel with a little bit of preaching about being humble like Moses and keeping both hands on the plow. On our last visit, we left with the CD in hand and Junior telling us that’s where he’s going to “church” every Sunday for the rest of his life. Now Little E knows every single word to the set and gladly takes performance requests.

The artists equally impress with their rapport with the crowd. Last night after playing a blazing rendition of “Orange Blossom Special” the lead singer urged the crowd to put some money in the tip jar. Seems he has four children that need to buy cigarettes.

You better believe that tip jar was full.

Now do yourself a favor and go visit our friends at Robert’s. You won’t be sorry.

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Inspire Me, Inspire Me Not

2009-09-03T12:31:00.006-05:00

By Magnolia

Just like Chick, it has been ages since I last posted. And I’m sorry about that because I truly enjoyed CFT and all of our readers. But, I just lost the inspiration somewhere in the shuffle of life. How does that happen? Where did the bee in my bonnet go? Well, the inspiration is back so get ready.

Now before you go calling me a procrastinator, let me explain the difference. I get the things done that need to be done on a timely basis (although Sportsfan might disagree), but sometimes I just have these gusts of ideas and they blow away almost as quickly as they came. I'm sure you can relate.

Take this weekend. I have known for months that I would be HOME ALONE!!! That means no Sportsfan, no Junior and no Little E. This would be a first. So I made a to do list. It looked a little like this:

1. Paint the bathroom.
2. Organize and clean out the game cabinet in the den.
3. Clean out the kids closets.
4. Actually print and place photos in an album that have been piling up since 2002.

Weeks go by with this massive to do list in my head and I start to lose steam. Was I overly ambitious? Perhaps. Am I a procrastinator? Maybe, but technically there is no deadline to accomplish these tasks.

Now before I go and scare all of the people that elected me to be the PTO President next year, let me defend myself. I can pretend to be Type A at any given moment. I just choose to spend most of my time as a Type B. It’s much more fun.

So here’s my updated to do list for this weekend:

1. Go on a hike with Dolly (our puppy).
2. Take a tennis lesson.
3. Play tennis with dear friends who I haven’t seen in too long.
4. Get a pedicure.
5. Have a girl’s night.
6. Maybe clean out one closet.

I’ll let you all know how the weekend turns out. I couldn’t be more excited. And for all those wondering…Yes, Sportsfan is attending the Georgia opener in Stillwater, Oklahoma. We don't call him Sportsfan for nothin'.
.

Flour Power

2009-08-25T16:41:00.034-05:00

By Chick~ This week is Little Chick's 10th birthday so we are consumed with buttercream dreams and the power of fondant and flour.

You see, we love cakes, we love cupcakes, we love decorating cakes, and we love love love to watch TV shows about cake decorating. So it was a special mother-daughter trip to Sugar Mama's Bakeshop this afternoon where Little Chick had her official consultation about her 10th birthday cake. Oh yes, we take this sort of thing very seriously.

Dutifully we tune into cake decorating shows like Amazing Wedding Cakes and The Cake Boss, so we are not your uninformed, off-the-street customer. Oh no, Little Chick had researched cake images online and arrived with a printed Creative Strategy in-hand.

Sugar Mama's Bakeshop is in our neighborhood and we have been loyal fans since they opened about a year ago. Their cupcakes are dense and moist and bursting with flavor and personality. Not to mention the bakery is hipster cozy and retro.

Once we had everything ordered, we indulged in a cupcake treat for our efforts. We taste-tested the Hemingway, which has a touch of key lime and graham cracker topping. Plus we tried the vegan Cookies & Cream which was divine. I don't even really know what vegan is, but I know it's something I usually avoid. That said, I feel so much healthier knowing I ate (and loved!) a vegan cupcake.

Oh my gosh, I'm a vegan. Cool.

Thank you Sugar Mama's! Can't wait to see what yall design. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY Little Chick. Here's to another decade of sweet celebrations. Is it just coincidence or does decade sound an awful lot like decadent?

Either way, sounds sweet.

Missed Me Missed Me, Now You Gotta Kiss Me

2009-08-24T22:18:00.015-05:00

By Chick

It has been ages since I have posted anything here on Chicken Fried Therapy. And yet, despite my long, lingering absences…I just can’t seem to stay away. Perhaps you will be drawn back into the fold as well? Even if you simply cruise by like a rubber-necker checking on an ambulance while secretly looking for some carnage on the side of the road, I hope you’ll stick around and see what happens in here.

A quick refresh on the history of this blog…

I launched CFT in November 2007. I fell in love with blogging – and my readers – right out of the gate. But it wasn’t long before I was lured away to start another blog…about fishing. And it’s been an incredible ride! I have a whole different audience over on FLY FISH CHICK. Mainly men, who fish. Let’s face it, I’m not the first chick who's ditched the girls to go hang out with the boys. What are you gonna do? Besides, the good sister-friends always come back around.

And I did come back! Last November in fact. I was stretched so thin with FLY FISH CHICK and being Mommy to Little Chick. But I had the lightbulb idea to make CFT a team blog, introducing some dishy girlfriends called The Drumsticks to be my co-writers.

They stormed out of the gate on CFT more like spicy hot wings than comfort-fare drumsticks! But their blog boss (yours truly) couldn’t seen to manage her time and contribute over here. Collectively, we lost steam.

Time to shut CFT down? One might argue that obvious point given we’re a group of moms who have to put “GO TO THE RESTROOM” on a to do list or it won’t get done.

And yet…

I can’t seem to let it go. Just can’t do it. I am nostalgic since this was my first site. Not to mention, the boys -- as much as I love them -- kinda smell like fish over on my other blog. I am craving some pretty-pretty, some artsy-tartsie, and some girlie-girl chitter chat to compliment the daily testosterone fish talk. Pinks and blues. A girl blog and a boy blog. Who says we can’t have it all?

So here we are, Round III with CFT. I am going to post as best I can. Magnolia will continue as a regular Drumstick writer. The other girls will write stories periodically. We’re moms. We’re workers. We’re Circus Jugglers. We’ll see how this goes.

Besides, I have lots to share. I have a sweetheart in Alabama which has exposed me to all sorts of new food and art and hotspots on the Gulf Coast; Little Chick is on the brink of reaching double digits; I am training for an endurance race; I picked up tennis...aaaand I have temporarily set it back down; and in a most exciting burst of inspiration/insanity, I have just ordered a Bellydancing DVD.

Oh that’s right, you heard me. Bellydancing. Good stuff is coming on CFT. I know you’re mad I’ve been away so long, but you’re just going to have to get over it Darlin’. Admit it. You know you’ve missed me. So let’s just kiss and makeup and start dishing.

What happens in Mexico - Part 1

2009-02-26T18:04:00.002-06:00

by Magnolia

Sportsfan and I just returned from a fabulous long weekend in Cabo San Lucas. This was only our second visit to Mexico, but I think it’s safe for me to say that the Mexicans just do things differently than we do. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t like it…it’s just different. The element of danger and recklessness often appeals to me.

Two years ago when we were in Mexico, Sportsfan and I went to get massages. Sportsfan had never gotten one before so he was asking me all kinds of questions about it. “How long”, “what do I tip her”, “are you sure it’s going to be a she” and most importantly, “do I leave my underwear on?” I answered his questions and explained to him that I usually take my underwear off, but since he was a first-timer, he might be more comfortable with them on.

So we’re off to the spa a little early, expecting to fill out some paperwork. Not the case in Mexico. All they need to know is your room number. They are not concerned with any heart condition, skin allergy or asthma you might have. Nevertheless, the massage was fabulous and I couldn’t wait to hear about Sportsfan’s experience. When he emerged all sleepy eyed from the room, I could tell that he thoroughly enjoyed it. I asked what he decided to do about his underwear. It turns out that he did in fact leave his underwear on, but his masseuse was not going to have any of that. She yanked his boxers right off of him! Lord only knows what he thought was coming next!

Stay tuned for more Mexican adventures. Sportsfan and I went deep sea fishing on our last trip and let’s just say we are happy to have caught some beautiful fish, but we are very lucky to be alive and well in Tennessee.

Leave it to Eddie

2009-02-02T13:42:00.007-06:00

by Magnolia

Does anyone know if Eddie Haskell’s parents were on Leave it to Beaver? Were they aware that Eddie was a weasel? I’m wondering if they are just like Sportsfan and me because we appear to have the 7 year old female version of Eddie as our own daughter.

Now Little E is only 7 so she is not quite up to speed with Eddie’s conniving ways. But, she does share some of his characteristics. This is how Wikipedia describes the character of Eddie Haskell:

Typically, Eddie would greet his friends' parents with overdone, good manners and often a compliment such as, "That's a lovely dress you're wearing, Mrs. Cleaver." One check for Little E.

Wikipedia continues,
However, when no parents were around, Eddie was always up to no good—either conniving with his friends, or picking on Wally's younger brother Beaver. Not there yet.

Now I’m fairly certain that Little E is a complete angel most of the time and there’s not a mean bone in her body, but she does have a tendency to lay it on thick. She LOVES talking to parents which I must admit comes in handy at Girl Scout cookie time. She just goes through the school directory and calls all the moms she knows. Low maintenance cookie sales for me! In fact, when she calls a friend for a playdate, she asks to speak to the friend’s mother instead of her friend. Maybe she thinks her friends don’t have the skills necessary to talk plans.

Where Little E is going to get into trouble with her Eddie routine is with Junior. If her brother is in the slightest bit of trouble with us, she starts tuning up with what wonderful parents she thinks she has. The other day as Junior was getting a lecture of some sort, she actually interrupted me for a hug to say that she couldn’t believe I was her mother. She was just so lucky.

On our recent ski trip,Junior was a little bummed about having to go to ski school for another day. Little E almost sang about how wonderful ski school was and she wished she could do it forever. Ack! What are we going to do? I have to believe that she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. Junior sure does though.

So if we get into junior high and high school and this persona escalates, we are going to have a big problem. And if you or your children happen to be around, please let Mr. & Mrs. Haskell know what their daughter is up to.

I'm Falling For You

2009-01-12T15:01:00.005-06:00

I received a handheld video camera for Christmas. I’m excited to be able to record Homer’s baseball games and Scrappy’s soccer games and school pageants and the like. But what I’m really looking forward to is my chance to win the big prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos. You see, I have this perverse sense of humor and laugh hysterically when people have physical mishaps and truly cannot keep myself from laughing at incidents that result in someone falling down (after I’m sure they’re OK of course). So I love America's Funniest Home Videos. I’ve been in and witnessed so many funny mishaps lately that I’m sure I would have been awarded a prize if only I had been able to record the gaffe.

There was the time at Six Flags when Homer won a small basketball and we walked down the sidewalks throwing it up in the air - I threw it up really really high and moved back so Homer could catch it and instead it bounced very hard off my head, knocked me to the ground and kept bouncing along into a group of coeds. Or the time Homer got a hole in one playing putt putt and threw his arms above his head with his fingers in the “I’m #1 position” and walked backwards falling right into a water trap. Or when Scrappy was looking sideways and walked right into a pole. Or when Skip fell down walking on an icy sidewalk and skidded about 20 feet on his butt. And then there was this past Christmas when a relative tripped over a box taking a plate to the table for dinner and got stuck bottom-first in the box covered in rice. Alas, none of these is captured for posterity - or prize money.

So now I have the video camera and I can’t wait for some crazy physical comedy to come my way! Until then, enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vT9wAUKGrO8

If I told you...

2009-01-07T12:32:00.006-06:00

by Magnolia

Sportsfan likes to use the “If I told you…” argument when he’s trying to make a point. Like, “If I told you that a 7 year old girl could make your bowl picks and you would end up in first place with one game to go, would you believe me?”

Oh yes. Every year Little E makes my bowl picks for me. Sportsfan and Junior study, research, enter their picks, research some more, change their picks and finally settle on what they are sure is a winning combination. Little E and I sit down every year at the last possible moment and in under 10 minutes have our picks made. The process is very simple. I go down the list and call out the 2 teams playing, and Little E gives me her pick. We don’t talk point spreads and we don’t talk mascots.

So if you know of any 7 year olds, you probably know who they are going to pick—Navy, Rice, Air Force, Hawaii. There are reasons for some picks like Ohio State because she knows my roommate from college is a big fan. The Rice pick is self explanatory and as Sportsfan would say, “She would pick Hawaii over the Pittsburgh Steelers just because it’s Hawaii”. But mostly, the picks are just how she’s feeling at the moment.

Now they’ve never said it before, but I am certain that Sportsfan and Junior have thought that we don’t know what we’re talking about. Until now. We are now in FIRST PLACE in Bowlaroo which boasts over 60 (mostly male) members. With one game to go, we are now guaranteed 2nd place and if Oklahoma wins on Thursday, we win the whole thing. And it’s a lot of money. There is definitely a trip to the spa in our future.

For those of you interested in hiring her for her services in the future, she is under contract with me until she is no longer living under this roof. Go find your own 7 year old prodigy.

March Madness, here we come.

Burn Those Muscles Jane

2009-01-07T11:52:00.002-06:00

I am so sore that I can barely move my arms to type these words and I have put off going to the restroom for fear of having to maintain a squat position. Our neighborhood club recently underwent a renovation of the fitness room and the pool area. It added a group exercise room, which was ready for use in November. In October, the athletic director sent out an email asking members if they wanted to sign up for group exercise classes at a promotional rate of $50 for unlimited classes for November and December. I decided to go for it.

Then the class listing was published and there were only two classes a week on the November schedule that would allow me to do everything else I have to do, such as work, make dinner, supervise homework, and get kids to school. One was spinning and one was yoga – I don’t do either due to my fear of bicycles and bare feet respectively. (I once took a pregnancy yoga class and had to leave in the middle of class when the instructor came over to check on me during the relaxing breathing exercise and I looked down at her feet and was inches away from spread out toes on a foot that looked like a crow’s claw).

I emailed the director and told her this just really wasn’t going to work with my schedule and asked for a refund. The response – No, but she would throw in January for “free” and promised there would be more offerings at various times. This led to me feeling guilty for all of November and December during which I did not attend a single class.

So here we are in January. I ate myself silly over the holidays and figured I should now try out the classes. Skip’s been taking himself to the workout room, and I certainly don’t want to be outdone by my husband, who hasn't had to pay anything extra to use the treadmilss and weights. So this morning I got up 15 minutes earlier than usual, woke up Homer, made him breakfast and a lunch and hauled myself to the CIT class. I have no idea what the acronym stands for, but it was a little something of everything – step aerobics at the beginning, I hadn’t done that since college, then lunges with weights, kickboxing, arm exercises, leg exercises and some great ab work.

It was exhilarating and I am really feeling it – and if for one reason or another I don’t make it back to another class, I will remember this morning as the best $50 workout money can buy!

What's in a name?

2008-12-29T17:23:00.005-06:00

by Magnolia

I am starting to think that Sportsfan is trying to be the star of CFT. He just keeps handing me material that is too hard to ignore. By the way, everyone should know that he does not approve of his name. You see, he doesn’t follow…soccer. Oh, okay. Well in that case we’ll call him Sportsfan, except not soccer.

So Sportsfan calls me a few weeks ago just delighted with himself. He has purchased the rights to the website www.fire genechizic.com. He’s even got someone who will design the website for him. For those of you who don’t know, Gene Chizik is the new football coach at Auburn University. The whole website campaign started back when Ron Zook was hired and subsequently fired from Florida. The guy that owned www.fireronzook.com made a killing in the process. So the same will be true for us, right?

I am starting to believe Sportsfan. Wow, this could be really cool. SEC football coaches come and go all the time in large part due to the fickle fans and the competitive schedules. Gene Chizik could be out of here in no time flat and Sportsfan and I could provide the catalyst for all those rabid fans!

I tell this story to a friend at the famous Christmas Party that Sportsfan missed a couple of weeks ago. I brag about how brilliant the whole plan was and I might have even given myself a little credit for the idea. My friend laughed and said, “How funny would that be if Sportsfan spelled his name wrong!”

Then it hit me. Sportsfan cannot spell. At all. Of course that was why it was still available. I came home that night and my first words were, “You spelled it wrong, didn’t you?” And I think we all know what the answer was.

Website for sale!

Alone Shark

2008-12-21T11:09:00.005-06:00

by Magnolia

Sportsfan is sick! He NEVER gets sick especially on the night of his favorite party in town. I knew he couldn’t go, but I certainly wasn’t going to miss the party. And on top of that, Chick was in town. There’s no better substitute for a date.

So Chick picks me up and I won’t let her in since my house is in quarantine. I get in the car as I’m cramming a list into my teeny tiny little purse. Chick asks what it is and I tell her that I’m Sportsfan’s collection agent tonight and this is the list of people that owe him money for his football pool.

Sportsfan has an annual college football pool that he coordinates called Bowlaroo. Bowlaroo has become quite famous around these parts and does require a good bit of work to put together. Countless emails, bookkeeping, money collecting, etc keep Sportsfan very busy this time of year. He likes to act like it’s a big hassle, but secretly he loves it.

“You’ve got to be kidding me”, Chick says. “Sportsfan is inside sick as a dog and somehow he musters the energy to write a list down for you?” I explain to her the significance because the deadline is the next morning. Capitol One Bowl Week starts at 10:00 a.m. so I have a important job tonight! Sportsfan kicks people out if they don’t pay on time!

Chick and I arrive at the party. We play date to each other as she goes to the bar and I go put our coats away. Then it’s down to business. I’ve got my list and I’m checking it twice. I find myself harassing one of the hosts of this wonderful party for only paying me for one entry when my list says there are two. Oh well, I’ll let it slide. Sportsfan knows where to find him.

At the end of the night, I have completed my task and feel like I’ve accomplished something. However, I won’t bring such a teeny tiny little purse next time. My lip gloss got lost in all that cash!

Seasons Eatings: NPR's Delicious Dish

2008-12-19T02:01:00.007-06:00

SNL's Schweddy Balls ~ I'm betting Hazel can provide the recipe...

Can't throw stones, though. All the ladies in my family got X-mas sweaters last year...that light up with a battery pack. Eat that CFT!

Nobody, no mater how progressive thinking or fashion forward you might be, is immune from the Hellidays. I have to wear mine with the team on Sunday and will probably get electrocuted for this post. I will likely RIP...in the damn light up sweater....but at least I died, Chicken Fried.

"Every Party Has A Pinata" or a Photobooth

2008-12-18T23:59:00.010-06:00

Years ago, I was on a first date with a truly adorable man, painting the town with a big group of friends. I found myself making fun of some buffoon in our midst then quickly begging my date's pardon in case he might think me unkind. That’s when Mr. Adorable assuringly drawled “Darlin’~ every party’s gotta have a piñata!”

God love that man, wherever he is now, because I say that line so often people assume that I coined it. Truer words were never spoken. There is always a piñata in our midst. So enough of this “bless their heart” bull~ just call a piñata a piñata. Moreover, be able to recognize when you are the piñata…I’ve taken my share of hits and find pleasure in being the first to take a swing at myself!

There are just too many “you-can’t-make-this-shit-up!” moments that require full disclosure among your nearest and dearest. Point being- why not be the life of your own party?

One of my favorite piñata-memoirs took place way back in yester-year. I was slightly over-zealous in an aerobics class and did a body plant on the mirror leaving a sweat mark reminiscent of chalk outline at a crime scene. No shrugging it off and pretending it (kaboom!) didn’t happen….mortification led to pained volunteer Windexing while my more coordinated foes kept doing the “grapevine” without me. (Think Molly Shannon as Superstar!)

So if I come back reincarnated as a piñata, I am determined to look like this. Such a cool website! The photography slays me but I digress…http://www.confettisystem.com/

This brings me to my latest party trick…y’all will LOVE this one. I hired an old fashioned photo-booth for my rip-roaring x-mas bash. My motley mix of friends and all the neighbors (read: no noise complaints) mixed into a hilarious cocktail of people and the fun lasted from 7pm- 3am. All my guests had a ball and tucked away all their throwback photo keepsakes as a party favor.

Here’s the good part about the modern-day-old-fashioned-photo-booth….this hostess got a nice CD of the 659 photos taken in the booth. Pull the red curtain~ hello flip-side!!! Shifty? Why yes it was….

My traditional present to friends is re-gifting their holiday card photo from the year before as an ornament from photocutouts.com (tell Al at HisBiz that I sent ya!). Who doesn’t love to receive an ornament of their favorite family photo? How much fun will I have in years to come including a more raucous photo ornament within the same package as their refined family glamour shot?

What goes around comes around~ batter up!

The Blizzard of '08

2008-12-12T10:45:00.006-06:00

by Magnolia
Are you kidding me? Now, before you go and accuse me of being Ebenezer Scrooge, I do love snow days. I love staying home with my kids, staying in our pj’s, renting movies and just being lazy. Just not today. Today I was supposed to have a party for 50 people at my house. Oh well. Let’s just have it tomorrow, right? No worries. Well I do have one worry...can marinated cheese become too marinated?

But please just look at these pictures of the “snow”. I can practically hear the Yankees laughing out loud! There is NOTHING on the streets and barely anything on the ground. What up? Is the Superintendent of Schools trying to mess with me? Have they ever heard of going 2 hours late?

As many of you know, Dolly’s “Hard Candy Christmas” has become my theme song this Christmas. So much that Little E, who is our resident songbird, is going around the house singing “maybe I’ll dye my hair…” and Junior is asking “what exactly is apple wine anyway?” I’m not quite sure myself, but today might be the day I find out!

Happy Snow Day everyone.

Get Into the Groove

2008-12-03T12:49:00.002-06:00

Last week, a couple of other female attorneys and I took a group of women clients to the Madonna concert – and oh my, it was quite an experience! We had all come of age in the ‘80s and had welcomed Madonna onto the music scene. We drove together to the show singing Material Girl and couldn’t wait to get to the arena, grab a drink and soak up the energy.
Well, we waited and waited and waited, and almost two hours after the time printed on my ticket for the show to start (and having been entertained thus far by a lone DJ), the lights went down, the music started thumping, dancers started dancing and we all perked up and spent the next two hours on a wild ride.
None of us had kept up with many of Madonna’s newer songs and were all hoping for a trip down memory lane and she did not disappoint. Madonna is an incredible entertainer and even the new songs were fun. I ran to the restroom during one I didn’t recognize and rushed back to my seat just in time for Get into the Groove. Through the night she managed to mix in a rocked out version of Borderline, Vogue, a powerful performance of Like a Prayer, La Isla Bonita, Express Yourself, and the most beautiful version of You Must Love Me from Evita.
Of course Madonna is in the headlines now for her divorce from Guy and her escapades with Alex Rodriguez. Well, the woman is a machine – she did not stop moving around for two hours. At one point, she jumped rope double-dutch style while singing and doing squats. Her body is incredibly sculpted with not one ounce of fat to be seen, but quite honestly it's also a little scary. You can see lots of veins in with the muscle and I wouldn’t be giving the full description if I didn’t report that when she lifted her arm up over her head, we were all aghast at the big vein pulsing right through the middle of her arm pit. While it’s sad things didn’t work out with Guy, I think quite frankly, she just needs someone more athletic who can appreciate her muscles and veins and can keep up with her jumping rope. Good luck A-Rod.
After two hours we had had a great time and Madonna left the stage, but the music to Holiday started playing and everyone was screaming and jumping up and down and we had just started singing along when the lights came up and the DJ was back! We stayed and danced to the whole song anyway.

Life Goes On

2008-11-30T14:19:00.011-06:00

by Magnolia

Shifty, you and Dolly Parton are coaxing me out of my fog. I thank you for that and I know Sportsfan does too. It’s time to deal. You see, we had to put our sweet dog Lucy down on Friday which made this Thanksgiving especially difficult to be thankful. We knew it was coming. She had cancer. I mistakenly thought that because we had the chance to say goodbye to her, that it would be easier. Not so much.

I realize that there are much greater tragedies in life. God forbid something was to happen to our children or our families or friends. If this is the greatest tragedy that we are to face, then we should be so lucky. But it was way before her time and she was such a good dog. Lucy was the very best of the best.

I’ll spare you the countless stories of her fabulousness other than the fact she made every person feel like she loved them best. That’s quite a trait to possess. Now I have to do what Dolly tells me to do in “Hard Candy Christmas” and get on with my life. Sportsfan has to get his own paper in the morning. I’ll have to start cleaning up my own spills again. And I’ll have to accept the fact that my cats just aren’t that excited to see me when I get home.

So life goes on for us. I’m glad to get Thanksgiving behind us and we can move on to Christmas. I’ll need to work harder on Dolly’s advice because for now, sorrow is bringing me down.
.

Enjoli

2008-11-28T02:21:00.013-06:00

I still aspire to be the 70's Enjoli woman! Holiday time again and I am struggling to pace myself to the finish of another year.

This season is especially rigorous for me- I am hosting two holiday events in my home, my daughter is "Mary" in the school Christmas play and she has a December birthday. Honestly, I love all the action but I am not the Enjoli lady. I get overwhelmed!

I realized today that it's probably the maddness that actually gets me through the holidays and I bring it on myself. It’s regrettable that, with age, sometimes the holiday magic is tempered, if not completely lost on those of us who find ourselves grieving this time of year. Hearing Dolly Parton’s Hard Candy Christmas reminded me that I am not alone in experiencing some sadness during the holidays. Love that Dolly's resolve in this video! "I'll be fine..." too, by golly!

My co-horts at CFT and I have seen some tough times too. Let us know what you are struggling with and maybe we at CFT can give you some virtual big-love when you need it most. Good advice, fully loaded….not sugar coated. . And here is the rest of it.

Compostin' on a Saturday Night!

2008-11-19T20:31:00.008-06:00

Hello again CFTer’s! Hazel is back and feeling much better I must say. I hear some of you think I’m absolutely crazy for making homemade soup for myself when I’m sick but, honestly, it gives me something to do while I am feeling down and out. This may also be an insight into my personality. It seems I have to always be doing something. Which leads me to my latest and greatest love--my COMPOSTER. Who knew decaying organic matter could be SO much fun?
I’ve wanted one for quite awhile. I mean with all the cooking and baking I do and with me planning my vegetable garden it makes perfect sense. So, I went to the library and checked out a couple of books. My favorite being “Let it Rot." According to this book the leaves that litter my yard and driveway are Composting GOLD. So when my yard guys came to pick up the leaves and place them into those large yard sacks, I began to see them as really valuable instead of a nuisance. Leaves plus food scraps equals nitrogen rich soil baby!

I get the Composter put together with the help of my oldest son. I hate following directions, but he doesn't so, some how we persevere. You see, I have a pail of rotting food that I have been collecting for 5 days and it’s starting to get pretty FUNKY. I go to get the leaves at the end of the driveway and horror upon horrors! My leaves are gone! Total composting buzz kill! The bags must have gotten picked up at the end of the day on Friday without me noticing. Why o why didn’t I get them from the street? I’m really bummed. So I’m telling all this to my sweet husband and he can see how disappointed I am. I just don’t have enough leaves to get started and I’m not a good waiter. No patience here.

Long story short, crafty and ingenious husband takes our fluffy puppy for a bike ride through the neighborhood. When he gets back he tells me that our neighbor’s 3 doors down have a lovely bag of leaves on their curb. I make him sneak down there with me and we pick them up. It felt so naughty like we were stealing something really valuable. I mean they didn’t want or need those leaves, but still, it was oddly thrilling and fun.
I now have 2 composters going simultaneously. My first batch (second photo) has cooled off and is ready to be spread. The insects that were part of that breaking down process are not for the squeamish. Let me tell you. Really cool though. My 2 boys think I’m mental. Can’t wait to get my earthworms going… on to Vermiculture!

What's on your Channel?

2008-11-19T13:43:00.016-06:00

by Magnolia

So it’s all football, all the time here at my house. I’m not complaining. I love it. There’s nothing else on tv anyway. My beloved 24 hasn’t been on in forever and American Idol doesn’t start until January. That explains why I have watched about 36 days straight of football on television. That does not explain why football is on every night of the week. But, it certainly keeps Sportsfan (and Junior) happy. It does not keep Little E happy. She thinks there’s too much yelling coming from the den.

All this football love makes my last night that much more surprising. One of my favorite movies of all times was on and Sportsfan and I watched it from the very beginning to the very end. That never happens. But it was Coal Miner’s Daughter and if you’re lucky enough to catch it from the start, how can you pull yourself away? Sissy Spacek and Tommy Lee Jones were incredible in this movie and the soundtrack is one of the best.

This brings up an idea that Sportsfan and I have been discussing for years. We want to design our own cable station that plays our favorite movies over and over again on a constant loop. (We’re currently at odds over adding an occasional ”Seinfeld” episode to the mix.) So far, we have the following confirmed:

Animal House
Blues Brothers
Caddyshack
Dazed and Confused
Midnight Run
Office Space
Rocky I, II, III
Vacation & Christmas Vacation

Think about it. At any given moment, you could turn to “The Channel” and find one of these gems waiting for you.

So what would you add to “The Channel”? Let me know and we’ll consider it. Then I’ll go talk to Comcast and get this thing done.

Last Night the DJ Saved My Life

2008-11-17T16:12:00.005-06:00

I’ve just spent several nights at my parents’ house in my childhood bedroom while I was in town for work. I always find interesting things packed away in my room when I go home – my college application, an unused box of wedding invitations, my senior thesis, diaries filled with angst about boys whose faces and last names I can’t even remember, yearbooks, mile swim patches, and lots of great pictures.

But this visit I found the mother lode – my collection of 45 RPM records. I guess I always had wide-ranging musical interests, because it is an extremely eclectic collection. Most of these I bought myself with my own money, although some were gifts and one was a fantastic prize. I have such great memories of putting the adaptor piece onto the record player and listening to them in my room one after the other, most of the time singing along very loudly with Chick.

Here’s a sampling:

Waltz Across Texas – my first Ernest Tubb record given to me by my Daddy
Puttin’ On The Ritz – Taco
Safety Dance – Men Without Hats
Ebony & Ivory – McCartney and Wonder
Nobody – Sylvia; Never Been to Me – Charlene; ’65 Love Affair; and Mickey (bought this great group all at one time)
9 to 5 – Dolly Parton
Owner of A Lonely Heart – YES (won this for winning a dance contest with a really cute boy at cotillion – never had liked this song until then)

And to top it all off: Push It – Salt-n-Pepa

I'm ready for my close-up

2008-11-14T10:17:00.016-06:00

So I had a little surgery last week. No worries at all unless you count my obsession with the photographs of my innards a worry. I have gone from not breathing a word about this surgery to anyone to now showing every person I come across the actual pictures of my tumor. Keep in mind that I am an incredibly squeamish person. In fact, I just now looked at my incisions a few days ago. Sportsfan once had 3 moles removed from his back and I fainted when I had to change the bandages. So this makes my preoccupation with my insides that much more confusing.

I carefully explained to my daughter the importance of privacy in matters such as these. I emphasized the fact that we did not need to talk about this outside of our family. Now when people ask her how I’m feeling, she replies, “I would prefer not to talk about it.” Oh dear. Now look at me! I’m broadcasting my tumors on the World Wide Web! I even sent my prized photographs to my niece’s 2 year old birthday party in my absence. I could not wait for Sportsfan to return from the party with some great tumor admiration stories. I must admit I was a little disappointed that everyone didn’t share my enthusiasm.

So this obsession finally culminated the other morning at breakfast. As usual, I was examining my glamour shots over an English muffin, and as usual, Junior was reading the sports page asking all sorts of questions about the stats for the Titans game. He asks, “What’s an assist?” And of course I say, “Well honey, it’s a fluid filled sac that sometimes forms in your body.” His reply snaps me out of my trance. “No Mom. An ASSIST. Like in football. Not a cyst. I know what that is.”

My literal self absorption started to fall apart right then and there. I have put the pictures away for now. But, if you want to see them, I’m sure I could make an exception. Just as long as you brag.

Veterinary Trophies

2008-11-12T23:12:00.002-06:00

Last week, I came home to discover my pup was tremendously ill and we had to make a dash for the 24 Hour Veterinary Clinic! Good news is that our mutt is made of some seriously hardy stock so she’s just fine but that’s not to say the moments in the waiting room weren’t tremendously tense. Thus begins my tale of the Veterinary Trophy Room:

What could have been a painful hour waiting for an uncertain outcome, fortunately for us, dissolved into tears of laughter! Perhaps to regale and assure worried pet owners, the staff of this particular clinic have lovingly procured and tenderly curated a shadowbox display chocked full of foreign objets removed from animal innards.

Completing our experience was the reception staff who could tell you the name of the animal from whence each item came~ imagine Night Shift with Harry Winkler working in the morgue meets Beavis and Butthead of MTV fame (huh huh).

“Oh yeah it was Cosmo that ate that there Polly Pocket doll.” (Why did I not take pictures?!) Can you imagine the chewed up quasi-digested doll, removed, rinsed then resurrected for permanent display-- hair mangled but sunny disposition and perfect make-up still intact!?

Then came the blasted giant fishing lures ole Buddy happened to wolf down~ gettin’ those out was a down right doosey per B&B. The 14 oz. can of vegetables that got stuck in the Pit Bull’s jaws, several swallowed pet toys etc. To cap it all off was a large collection of smooth golf ball sized rocks~ they were none other than canine bladder stones. Did the pet owners formally waive their rights to these items?

I swear~ there is a collector for just about everything out there. One man’s (or pet’s) trash is another man’s treasure, indeed. So, what’s the weirdest collection you have ever heard of? Can you provide photo evidence?

It's An Honor To Be Here!

2008-11-11T15:33:00.011-06:00

Greetings from Music City USA! My name is Magnolia and I am so honored and flattered to be one of the new drumsticks! Chick and I have known each other a long time and have many good memories so I am ready to make some more. Chick caught me by such surprise when she asked me to join CFT. Come to think of it, that seems to have become a theme in my life. When I got the phone call asking me to be the next PTO president at our school, I was stunned beyond belief. I thought, “Are they sure they have called the right person?” Some would call that being humble. I call it a lack of intuition.

In a nutshell, I’m the most normal person you’ll ever meet. I live in the town where I grew up with a great husband and two kids—you guessed it, a boy and a girl. I am currently a stay at home mom and that seems to be what I have been doing most of lately. In fact, what do working moms do when their child has pneumonia for 2 weeks? I can’t figure it out.

As I mentioned earlier, I am a dutiful volunteer at my children’s school, I sell women’s clothing part time, I play a lot of tennis but don’t seem to be getting any better, and these days, I have been watching a great deal of football. Doesn’t matter what kind just as long as it’s on television but I prefer the SEC, specifically, the University of Georgia and, of course, the Tennessee Titans.

I married probably the biggest Georgia Bulldog fan anyone could ever meet. Now I don’t mean that he’s a face painter or anything. He’s a respectable fan. In fact, you would be wise to sit next to him at a game because he seems to know EVERYTHING there is to know. He has also passed this gene on to my son who retains every useless football stat thrown at him.

Needless to say, this passion for Georgia football has definitely rubbed off on me. I’m no dummy. Saturday nights are a lot more fun when Georgia wins. And better bowl games mean better trips, right? Who doesn’t want to spend New Year’s in New Orleans?

So there we have it. And I hope you don’t misunderstand. As you will soon see, my being normal does not equate with being boring. It just makes everyone and everything I come across in life seem that much crazier! I look forward to sharing it with you.