Chicken Pucker

Faceplant in the Mud??

beth — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:21:44 +0000

It was a regular saturday afternoon, besides the fact the the remains of a hurricane were hitting us. It was pouring so hard you couldn’t see more than 7 ft. in front of you. Anyway, my friend invited me over and I thought he was crazy but I went anyway. So he had these two boggie boards and gave one to me. I was wondering what was he thinking. All of a sudden he ran and slid down the mud and grass down the side of his house, so then I tried it and it was awesome! So after about the sixth slide, I made a big mistake…I tried to stand on the boggie board and surf down. One second I was up, the next I was face planting in the mud. Never thought that I would ever taste mud…but first time for everything I guess. Colin, Quakertown, PA.

Top Speed Boogie

beth — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:16:39 +0000

Many years ago I use to teach piano lessons in a small town of 1,800 people. My home was small, so I had to rent the civic center for the annual recital. I also knew that grandparents would want to see their grandkids’ names in the paper. So, one morning, about a month before the recital, I went to the print shop and got awards, went to the local paper and gave the article for the paper, went to the city hall to rent the civic center, and so on.
When I pulled into my driveway at the end of my morning of errands, I saw myself in the rear view mirror and noticed a large boogie in my right nostril.
“Oh no!,” I thought, ” Everyone saw that!”
I felt so humiliated! I could not postpone getting that out of my nose! I looked in the back seat of the van and noticed a big unused roll of toilet paper from a camping trip. In an effort to ease my shame, I tried to humor myself in the mirror. As I rolled toilet paper around my hand, getting ready for the big snort into the wad of tissue, I chatted out loud to the boogie looking in the mirror, telling him he would soon be propelled at top speed. Just then, sitting in my car, I perceived someone looking at me. It was the Schwans man! He was standing at the end of my van, watching me talk to the boogie in my nose!! It was an awkward moment. For the first time in his life, I think he was glad when I rolled down the window and yelled,”I don’t need anything today!”-Annie, Portage, MI.

Cheek to Cheek

beth — Sat, 23 May 2009 17:09:49 +0000

Well, my class went up to the Lawton High School and so did the rest of the fourth grade. We went up there to here a jazz concert. So everything is going fine until they started playing the first song. My stomach felt like I had diarrhea so I had to sit on my left cheek ( butt cheek) I was trying to hold it in but all of a sudden a fart started coming on. I knew if I let out that fart that all of that poop would come out. So then I crawled over to my teacher and asked if I could use the bathroom and she asked if it was an emergency and I said yyyaaa so then I thought that she was just going to let me walk down there…. right? No she walks with me and remember I still have to hold in the fart. Next, I finally get to the bathroom and I thought that she was going to go back but… no she stands outside the bathroom and let me tell ya I had like a million farts I had to let out. And I could tell she was still out there listening to me because I could here her keys jingling. It was horrible. So I get done going poop, I wash my hands and walk out. Then, she asks me are you all right and I say yep. Then, she said good, and you know that happens to me too sometimes.
THE END
P.S. this is a true story. Oh and this story is by Kristin Ann Conner

Hold it downward, Son!!

beth — Wed, 06 May 2009 11:02:09 +0000

The other day Tom and I took the kids to Target. I took the girls to get what we needed and Tom took Zayden to look at toys. Zayden had to go potty so Tom took him in and got him all situated at the urinal when Zayden announces he has to poop. So Tom rushes him into a small stall (didn’t want to use the handicap in case a handicap person came in) Zayden tells Tom “get out because this is really going to stink dad.” Tom tells him “no, I am staying in here, but I will turn around.” Tom said all of a sudden he feels wetness and turns around to Zayden peeing down the back of Tom’s leg. Tom said he started dancing around the tiny stall to avoid getting peed on more and was screaming at Zayden ” you have to hold your wee wee down when you pee!” Tom said it got worse when a whole group of guys came into the bathroom and Zayden started yelling “oh gosh Dad, I have Diarrhea!” I am glad it was Tom and not Me! Carolelynn, Kalamazoo, MI.

Cash or Credit…in the tub?

beth — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:53:07 +0000

This is a little embarrassing, but what the heck, right.

About a year and a half ago, I was getting in the shower and my daughter, at the time was five and a half, wanted to shower with me. So I thought about it and parts are parts ~ so I told her sure that would be okay.

We climbed in and simply started to shower. I bent over to start shaving my legs, and all at once I felt a cold, hard, force shoot down my butt crack. Standing up in shock I turned to look at Abbigail, and she had the bar of soap in her hand. I asked her, “Abbi, what are you doing?” She said, “Just helping you bathe mommy!” Realizing that is how I help her from time to time, I was flushed with embarrassment. I never in a million years realized that I run the bar of soap down her butt crack like a credit card machine. I was thinking to myself how flipping funny it was, but (pardon the pun) I was also trying not to laugh at my daughters ~ she was so seriously trying to be helpful!! That is something I will never forget… It was to funny. Jolinda, Paw Paw, MI.

You know what to do….

beth — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:14:17 +0000

This story is short but really sweet. My nine year old twin daughter, Ally, was home with the flu last week for a couple days. It was probably 3 am and she woke up puking her guts out. I’m sitting there holding the pan and her hair of course, that’s what any mom would do, right? She says to me” Ma Ma will you pray for me?” I was like awww…..
So I said a little prayer for my upchucking daughter and then she went back to sleep. Well about an hour and a half later she was on a roll again and she says ” Ma Ma you know what to do!” How cute is that. submitted by Kristy, Schoolcraft, MI.

Falling!!

beth — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:08:16 +0000

When I was 13, my family and I traveled to Iowa for my cousin BethAnns graduation. We were there for about a week before hand and during this time we visited many of her friends. She had one friend, a guy who’s name I don’t recall, was so cute and nice to me that I developed a crush on him. Every time he came over, I was right there to receive his attention. Well, on the day of graduation, I was upstairs getting dressed, I heard a group of her friends arrive. BethAnn was riding with them to the school. I didn’t want to miss my chance to see my crush, so I decided to hightail it down stairs. Now I was wearing a dress and was new to wearing high heels. When I reached the top of the stairs, I slowed down and tried to walk down them as seductively as I could. Unfortunately, my heel caught on one of the top steps, I took off and tumbled down the steps, landing face down at the bottom, right at the feet of my crush…and he was laughing! Talk about humiliating!

That same summer, when where taking my cousin Joe’s wife to Ft. Lenardwood, MO. We stopped at the arch. There was a couple of different levels, two or three steps up or down from one level to the next. Again, being a clumsy teenager, and not watching were I was going, I slipped down one of the small sets of stairs, and right into the arms of a very cute young man. He asked if I was ok, but I couldn’t think of anything to say and bolted as soon as he let go.
Looking back, maybe that wasn’t so bad after all! submitted by Mary, Hartford, MI.

What do you do when your kids are at school?

beth — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 02:10:12 +0000

It was the first day back to school and I’m a little down.. I have enjoyed my kids all summer and I’m really not ready for them to go back to school. I’m pouting around the kitchen and my 9 year old son tells me not to be sad because I can do what ever I want all day. I appreciate his willingness to help my blue mood so I ask him what he thinks I could do. He tells me that I can now jump on the couch in my underwear and no one will ever know! Which brings out the question, what are my kids doing when I’m not home? We go to school and the first teacher we run into is his teacher from last year. The hall is full of people, and he, with a loud enough voice to be heard far and wide, proceeds to tell her that I’m going to go home and jump on our couch with only my underwear on! So the secrets out if you ever need to know what to do when your all alone…you too can jump on the couch in your underwear! submitted by Chellie, Lawton MI

Pee in the cup

cpstaff — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 19:56:57 +0000

I was pregnant and was at my monthly doctor visit. You know the one where you have to step on the scale, pee in the cup and have your blood pressure checked. Not that bad right? Well when you are 8 months pregnant it really is hard to pee in that little cup! I mastered that difficult task only to have trouble with the door!! My purse got caught on the door handle and jerked my hand. Yes, the hand holding my cup of pee!! Needless to say, I got pee all over my hand. And of course the perky nurse was Johnny on the spot and right there ready to take my sample from me. I was so embarrassed!!

Men have Chicken Pucker Moments too….

beth — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 23:54:20 +0000

I was shopping at Sam’s Club with my wife and kids. They went to grab something to eat. Did you know you can have a great meal for your family for under $20.00- dessert included!! Okay…Okay…yes I know I love the bargins. Anyway, I went to the bathroom while my wife ordered. By the time I got back, which probably seemed like forever, my wife had to say (a little too loudly for my liking), ”What took you so long, your foods getting cold?” Great! Now I have to explain how I ended up with a little drippage on my light orange colored shorts from a bit too aggressive shake. Hey, I was hungry and in a hurry!! So there I was standing in front of the hand dryer for a couple of cycles pretending to dry my hands. The last thing you’d want to do is walk out with a few dark splatter spots right up front, if you know what I mean. Then while I’m standing there a couple of guys walk in, so I had to think quick and pretended to talk on my phone. But heck, who was I kidding. No one could have believed I could hear a thing over the loud humm from the hand dryer!! LOL Nothing like having to explain it all while having a dinner with my family…. at Sam’s Club. Dave, Paw Paw Mi.