Chicken Shit For The Soul

An Hour In A Church Basement with Andrew D Pope

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Tue, 21 Apr 2015 13:39:00 +0000

It has been an interesting ride since this hack returned to stand up, after a long break. Some gigs have been a blast, some have been a nightmare. All have been learning experiences.

Unfortunately discovering something new often means you only know what you don't know! I knew, after watching back a fer performances, that I needed, for example, to slow my performance down. This will allow the audience time to process the set up, before delivering the punchline, and then leaving them time to laugh. Did I mention LEAVING THEM TIME TO LAUGH?

I have this theory that audiences come to comedy venues to laugh, not to listen to comedy. I think it's important that comedians get out of the way of that as much as possible.

While it is valuable to learn from mistakes, it can be of more benefit to model yourself on people successful in an area you wish to master. Where possible, meet these people and pick their brans.

Andrew Pope trains public speakers. While not a specific stand up trainer, most of the principles are identical.

I contacted Andy as I was speaking too quickly on stage. Whilst the material is good, audiences were not able to get the best out of it as I was not giving them time to process the information.

Andy spent time reviewing a tape of one of my shows before the session, and came up with some powerful suggestions involving structure of the material, ex[anding the material for maximum impact,some techniques to improve timing, and the best use of the stage and physicality to best serve the set.

All this in just over an hour.

I can share one insight, which may be of use to newer comics, like me. I had been thinking of a short set as an "edited highlights" version of my longer show. But what if, instead of cramming five or ten minute with as many punchlines as I can, I develop one theme for the length of the set? I can take my foot of the punchline pedal to some extent, as the audience is already on the same page as me, give the situation I am describing some air, and let my attitude to the situation shine through.

He showed me some techniques to mine deeper into the existing material, and gave me a host of other things to consider.

I am taking baby steps, trying one new element at a time. That being said I've already drafted a new "showcase" set, which allows me to relax and be my true self during the short time we newbies are given to perform.

I'll be back to let you know how things progress. But in the meantime, you can find out more about Andrew D Pope here.

http://www.andypope-speakercoach.com/communicationpresentationpublicspeakingskillscoachingbyandypopespeakercoach.html

Five minutes in the Cooper Room

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 21:14:00 +0000

I spent a lovely evening last night in the Cooper Room at the Museum of Comedy in London. It was great to catch up with Rob Deb, Chris Booker and Pam Ford. Like all comics we are a miserable bunch of bastards when not on stage. Which is something I enjoy immensely.

This is what happens when a great audience meets a bunch of in form comics (and me). Lovely night. Thanks Dave Hardcastle for organising it.

Newsgasm 01 March 2013

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 18:08:00 +0000

Newsgasm 16 February 2013 - The Lost Voice Special

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Sat, 16 Feb 2013 00:21:00 +0000

Ripped my throat out getting this to you. Remember that, kittens.

Newsgasm 09 February 2013

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 11:59:00 +0000

Teh thousand views so far, and counting. That's more than most S4C programmes! Thank you all. In this week's difficult Man Flu Episode, Chris Hune and David Cameron go to Heaven.

Newsgasm 04 Jan 2013

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 20:10:00 +0000

... and we're back in the room.

Been a long break, but here is the first Newsgasm of 2013, in which Danny Boyle turns down a gong and Jim Davidson is arrested.

Newsabuloo! 21 December 2012

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 21:03:00 +0000

In honour of the fact we haven;t all been vaporised by some angry Cancun hotel workers I’m happy to present the last video of the year, if not the planet. No Newsgasm this week, but from its archives, an edition of its predecessor, Newsabuloo! In this episode, Miss Brooks retires to the country, there is a snit at the BBC, and a salacious novel gets it very VERY wrong indeed.

Merry Christmas!

Newsgasm 15 December 2012

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Sat, 15 Dec 2012 12:53:00 +0000

Cutting off Justin Bieber in his prime and Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Italy ... Topical News show from Dave Parton and Ruth Hine. Proudly not safe for work since 2012. More of this sort of thing at www.daveparton.co.uk

McGarry 452

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 23:09:00 +0000

My latest vid thing. Enjoy, kittens!

Newsgasm 7 December 2012

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 00:48:00 +0000

The Difficult Third Newsgasm brings you the Pope Benedict’s first tweet, atheist scouts and the slow death of France. Topical stuff from Dave Parton and Ruth Hine.

Newsgasm 23 November 2012

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 13:30:00 +0000

Hi All

This is the reason I've been up half the night. It's called Newsgasm, and it's my new weekly topical newspod avaiable practically everywhere for free. This one is just five minutes long, but frankly, that's enough.

Let me know what you think.

Dave Parton: Gagging at The Cock

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 23:22:00 +0000

Just a short You Tube Clip of me telling jokes too quickly at the Old Cock in Droitwitch.

Ze Count: Election Special

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 23:20:00 +0000

This is my first experiment with Audacity sound recording. I had the idea when I was walking to a poling station. When I got home, I fired up the software found some sound effects, and taught myself multi track recording as I went a long.

I added some quick graphics so I could get it onto You Tube and so far it's had just shy of a thousand views at Jokepit.

Tom Jones Singalong

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 23:16:00 +0000

Now YOU can join in the karaoke fun of this justification of spousal abuse and Welsh machismo, Delilah. Sing, Lofty, Sing!

Tempers fudging it

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 14:58:00 +0000

Spoke to my Mum just now. Her Altzheimers is progressing quite rapidly now. Where as we could always have a conversation before, albeit quite a repetitive one, she now has trouble remembering who I am. It's a sudden drop off, but know that the brain compensates for memory loss for quite a while and then there can offen be a sudden deterioration. It's like a loose connection which finally fails. She's spending more time asleep now.

Her friend at the care home Annie died recently, and I think the shock of this is what's caused the sudden drop off.

Which is why the move to Wales is a major priority now. And with a following wind the house should be on the market the week after next.

So another week of frenetic DIY, cleaning, punctuated by gigging. Oh and I'm going deaf as well, so my first hearing aid test is on Tuesday, I'll post in a bigger font next time so you can all hear me.

Wrestling with a pig.

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 17:39:00 +0000

Never wrestle with a pig, they say. All you get is covered in shit and a happy pig.

I joked about this guy being my stalker. People have emailed me and approached me in person to let me know that this behaviour is NFA - Normal For Armstrong. The word "socio-path" has been used. And now, lucky lucky me, of all the open mic acts in all the clubs in all the world, he decides I'm his new bitch.

Bear in mind people have told me that he has accused other acts of material theft, an entire website of plagiarism - all news to me. He wants to continue the fight. Bring it on.

This is his email to me received today, followed by my reply.

From Johnny Armstrong (armstrong.comedian@gmail.com)

You wrote a condescending review of me (a fellow comic). Your review
was a gross misrepresentation of events which you were not witness to,
since you were at the very back of the room, not watching the show.
You then posted your review on your Facebook timeline and sent me a
friend request to make sure I would read it. Understandably, I was
annoyed, made my feelings known to you, and now you are upset with me.

You can try to drag my name through the mud all you want. At the end
of the day, I am and always will be a funnier and more original comic
than you, and that's all that really matters.

From David Parton (d.i.parton@gmail.com)

1. I did not post a review naming you as frankly I did not know your name at the time. I added you before I realised it was your unwarranted outburst.

2. Your actions at the gig cause most of the audience to leave at the earliest opportunity.

3. Your actions at our second meeting of the week were harassing and threatening. When I indicated that I no longer wished to speak to you as you had called me a "fat unfunny cunt" you attempted to harass me my sitting next to me and constantly interrupting a conversation I was having with someone else.

4. Before and after the initial incident I was helpful and courteous to you. I even tried to calm you down so you could go on stage. You chose to storm off in a fit of pique.

5. Several comedians have contacted me by email or in person to let me know that this is a personality trait of yours. You have been described online as "someone who would pick a fight with an orange in Tescos merely for being an orange£

6. I am told that you have made unfounded accusations about other comedians in attempt to ruin their careers. When confronted with this you have withdrawn these allegations.

7. Please do continue to believe that you are a much funnier act than me. I am new to this and have much to learn. My several television appearances a a comedian, my having written for several radio and television sketch shows and my four star Edinburgh review should have no bearing on your opinion of me or yourself. Whereas the review I have read of you which states "Johnny Armstrong with extended lists of wordplay based around bras, pirates or dances – all of which are too painfully contrived to raise much of a chuckle", reinforces my opinion of you.

8. Feel free to attempt to slander me. It may or may not have an effect. You have no idea which path I am taking with my comedy and in no way can it be blocked by the opinions of London open mic club promoters.

9. Having now "wrestled with a pig", and reaped the result of "getting covered in shit and a happy pig" I now wish you every success with your comedy endeavours. I can't stop you contacting me again however I wish you would, and advise that any approach me or speak to me in person will be regarded as threatening behaviour and will be acted upon accordingly.

Yours

The fat unfunny cunt.

It's going to get ugly, people. Nothing says "venal needy twat" like an open mic comedy feud.

Invisible Boundaries

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:23:00 +0000

Yesterday would have been Charles Dickens' 200'th birthday. My main association with Dickens is that Simon Callow once dropped a duffel bag on me in Edinburgh once. But I was listening to architect and all round good egg Maxwell Hutchinson yesterday, during his weekly appearance on Radio London's Robert Elms show.

Hutchinson was adamant that Dickens would recognise today's London - even its urban sprawl. It is believed that Dickens had two secret houses in Nunhead and New Cross, one for writing in peace, and the other "love next" with his mistress. He is even rumoured to have died in Nunhead in the arms of his partner, befoe his body was rushed to his doctor's in Peckham Rye to quell any hint of scandal.

One of the things Hutchinson mentioned is that Dickens would recognise the invisible boundaries of London: the unmentioned demarcation lines between the rich and the poor, who rub up against each other more closely than in other places in the UK.

I found myself crossing one last night. I had a gig in Holloway and, needing a pre gig nicotine hit I decided to walk from the Angel to the gig at Highbury.

Now thirty years ago Islington was scary East End. Then middle class people saw the potential of the hugh Georgian houses going cheap because they'd been left to rot, and the poor were ethnically cleansed, first to Stoke Newington, and then to Dalston and Holloway..

But even in chi chi Islington there is an invisible boundary between the moneyed end and the the scruffy bit. It's no surprise that the tube runs to the posh bit and the Overground line runs to the shabby part.

The boundary happens like this:.

Coffee shop

Antique shop

Trendy designer

Coffee shop

Cool bar

Coffee shop

Drunk man masturbating in a doorway

Mississippi Fried Chicken.

Which I'm assuming is not free range,

Or from Mississippi,

Or from a chicken.

Crack den,

And a Cash Converters.

It does seem that all Cash Converters actually DOES convert is your next door neighbour's iPod into enough heroin to keep you off your tits until you sign on.

Even drugs are class riven in this area. In the posh bit of Islington you've got designer drugs: Hugo Boss drugs. At the deep end you don't have designer drugs. You have George at Asda drugs. You get them home and you're already hating yourself.

Happy birthday to that great champion of the dispossessed and wife deserter C Dickens.

New Year Treat: Sweary Brian Blessed

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 16:11:00 +0000

It's at this time of year that we like to look back at our triumphs and tragedies of the last 365 days. And we often find that we haven't seen nearly enough You Tube clips of Brian Blessed swearing a lot.

It's a situation I intend to remedy right now.

The fuck starts here.

Happy New Year Everyone

2011 Progress Report

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 15:30:00 +0000

On Jan 1st 2011 I posted the following:

This year I plan to:

Co write a sketch shoe

Do more stand up

Celebrate ten years of marriage

Attend the wedding of the person who introduced us (Pen)

Attend a friend's fiftieth

Celebrate my mum's seventy fifth birthday

Learn bluegrass banjo

Join a uke band

Move to Penarth

Have surgery after a two year wait

Lose eight stones (may be carried over into 2012)

Open a market stall called King Twt

Get Ron and Reg, the Kray Kittens

Get a decent Android pad

Do up house

Medium term plans include a mandolin and possible conversion of Albert the Imaginary Dog into corporeal form.

No pressure.

And?

Co write a sketch shoe? Still embryonic as events have taken an odd turn

Do more stand up: Big yes on that one. I MC'd a gig in May which was ok, not great, but I didn't disgrace myself. What it did for me was allow me to find my voice. Stand ups will know all about that. It's the point in your career when you find the material and the delivery which is uniquly your own, and works with audicneces. Once you've found that you're on your way to being a proper comedian, instead of a comic. I started doing stand up in 1998, but it took a six year break form it and a lot of living before I found out who I was comedically. Which is not a word, apparently.

Celebrate ten years of marriage. Tick. I couldn't have done this without Ruth. She is my rock. 2008-11 have been pretty shitty years: I lost my mum to Altzheimer's, had two business partners go under and nearly take me with them; Ruth getting diagnosed with MS, and me getting ME. She's been the one to listen to me moaning. We've seen the world together. She is my muse. For those wondering about Ruth, she's having a low level relapse right now, affecting mainly her balance and memory. But she's still very much the Ruth we all know and fear.

Attend the wedding of the person who introduced us (Pen) Done

For reference this was the way I looked then ...

... which we'll all admit was scary as fuck. Pen and Sam seem ideally suited and I can only wish them all the luck in the world.

Attend a friend's fiftieth: In my head I'm still 22. My body is about 90. We meet somewhere in the middle to find that I and most of my friends are edging closer to the big Hawaii. That friend also got married again this year.

Celebrate my mum's seventy fifth birthday. The one bonus of Alztheimer's is you can use the same card and present as last year. She'll see seventy six next month, but is deteriorating rapidly. She;s the life and soul of the care home and still has her quick wits about her, even if she can't remember what she's just said.

Learn bluegrass banjo. Nope. I owna blugrass banjo, but never will have the patience or coordination to learn to play the bugger.

I HAVE, however, learned to play the ukulele! And my next aquisition is going to be this gorgeous Chrome plated resonator uke. Drool ...

Join a uke band: On hold until ...

Move to Penarth: Actually likely to happen this year. Ruth has been assessed to be of more use working from home, and home can be anywhere in the UK. We just need the final go ahead and to sell the house. Piece of piss.

Have surgery after a two year wait: Tick. Actually we used the last of our money to pay for this as I'd still be waiting for it now otherwise. I don't hide the fact that I had weight loss surgery. This is me the day after the op:

Lose eight stones (may be carried over into 2012): Well, three and a half stones so far in three months. I was less heavy that I originally thought and my new total target is 7st 5lbs, which I should reach by April. I am in full diabetic remission, my cholesterol is normal and my blood pressure is low normal. I now merely take 63 pills a week instead of 70! And if you REALLY want to hate me, I lost nearly four lbs over Christmas.

This is me now.

Open a market stall called King Twt: Nah. Too bloody cold! Have other things to do right now.

Get Ron and Reg, the Kray Kittens: On hold until the move. Basically we don't want our house to smell catty until we've sold it.

Get a decent Android pad: Done. I am Kit Boy. I've taken an injunction out against myself and am now by law not allowed with 300 yards of a branch of Maplins when I'm carrying a credit card.

Do up house: Done (sort of). Only a couple of jobs left to do. Oh and empty the loft.

Next year's resolutions in a later post.

I won a case against a big bank and next month they are about to write me a fairly large cheque, which means most of next year is covered. Hurrah!

Also I finally got a sort of diagnosis for THE CONDITION WITH NO NAME. For the last four years I've suffered form intermittent arthritis-like symptoms which have made it difficult to walk or use my hands, blurred my vision and affected my memory. We've narroed down the symptoms to Fibro Myalgia, probably caused by ME. I have Yupppie Flu - just thirty short years after it was fashionable. Basically there was something stopping me falling completely asleep, which stopped my body replenishing itself. Not cured but sort of patched up for now.

I've got big plans for next year, but they can wait until the hangover.

Merry Christmas to You All

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:32:00 +0000

Nadoleg Llawen an yn Anwyl Newydd Dda y chi gyd.

...... I have no idea what that means, so please enjoy this v card I made with you in mind.

Studio Cinema

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 22:23:00 +0000

My first bit of animation. And friends, this story is true, apart from the bits I made up.

Change of Focus

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 13:48:00 +0000

To the MS Nurse in Tooting this morning with Ruth. The NHS has finally caught up with us after months of being left twisting in the wind. This week the ever practical'nurse, next week speech therapy, followed the same day by MS Newbies Day. The following Monday we see Prof Marcus, a bow tied consultant of the old school, whilst the nest day we venture to ATOS, the occupational health people. These guys determine whether or not we move to Wales with Ruth working from home, or we move to a shack in Wales with Ruth medically retired. Oh and there is going to be a cognative assessment as madam is worried she couldn't put down a shit compere who hassled her last week! One of the effects of MS is the loss of ability to process information, which is sort of Ruth's raison d'etre.
We're in the middle of a low level relapse right now, but R has been out to comedy clubs, meeting up with old friends after seven years or so. Everyone is surprised to see her looking so well.
I've been concentrating on comedy for a bit, which has been fun, but need to focus on this for a couple of weeks. Hopefully, by the end of the year we will know if we are moving.

And So To Bed

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 22:23:00 +0000

Image via WikipediaWe've had a couple of days of criminality here in London, including parts of town where used to live and live now. I heard a woman who runs the Brixton Employment Cafe saying that these riots are a political reaction to you Black council workers losing their jobs in the current round of cutbacks.

Bollocky Bullshit

I lived in Peckham for seven years, and there has been an open campaign to discourage people from talking to the police about anything. There was even a leaflet campaign encouraging silence over a recent murder.

Riots are nothing new. We've had them for the two thousand years the city has been in existence. Sometimes there is a genuine grievance, sometimes the slightest pretext is used for criminals to take charge for a while. The Blitz Spirit actually comprised of a lot of looting, appeasement riots and scores being settled. Even in Bromley, where normally the most heinous crime is that of being beastly to a Labrador, had police cordons this afternoon.

This is happening because for once the Met is actually being effective for once.. Trident and Trafalgar are making real breakthroughs in tackling gun and knife crime in the communities most terrorised by it.And the scum are running scared. If young hoodies on street corners are stopped and searched every day, so what?

This is not a racial thing. Certainly not to the extent that they will attempt to play up. Scum comes in all colours. Today we have seen the slags of all nations.

I am no champion of the police. I have seen police corruption and brutality first hand in my family. I was around for Miner's Strike. The original Brixton and Tottenham Riots were genuine responses to oppressive and racist police tactics. This riot seems to be a reaction against the oppression of JD Sports and Currys Digital.

But there are more of us than there are of them. And although they will score victories and catch us with our pants down occasionally, we outnumber them, we outthink them and, admittedly from my safe vantage point on a big hill in the leafy suburbs, do not fear them.

I hope all my friends are safe, unthreatened and homed. As we normally do at times like this, let's look out for each other.

Travel lodge Tales

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 19:21:00 +0000

Mister Bear was staying along one night in a Travelodge.

Mister Bear couldn't sleep and woke up with an enormous clock.

Mr Bear got on the Internet to order room service. He asked for a "extra pillow".

The "extra pillow" was called "Ferdy", and together they got up to all sorts of japes and wheezes, including electric play, branding and stimulants.

Ferdy had the good manners not to be there by breakfast.

Not a word, Mister Bear, not a word!

The Toblerone Truncheon

noreply@blogger.com (David Parton) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 08:45:00 +0000

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Like many of us I watched Sir Terry Pratchett's moving documentary, following two people as they were assisted to die when their medical conditions became too much for them. Possibly unlike many of you I was watching the programme with someone who had just been diagnosed with MS.

This isn't a structured, cogent argument. To be honest I don't know what I think about the debate any more. Until yesterday I was absolutely in favour of a person, if they so desired, and were able to make an informed, unpressurised decision should be assisted to die painlessly and with dignity, or as much dignity as any death will allow.

One of the people Terry followed was a young ma of 42, who had been suffering from what looked like progressive MS since the 1990's, who dropped the bonbshell during the conversation that he was flying out to Zurich that Sunday. Forty two? He's a kid! How messed up are we as a society that we can't make life bearable and meaningful for a highly intelligent, thoughtful young man with so much to give? It wasn't MS that killed Andrew Colgan, it was us. On the day before he died we met Andre and his mother in Zurich. She was doing her best to put a brave face on what was obviously tearing her apart, but was the final, terrible loving thing she could do for her son.

I looked up at my wife at that point. She was in bits. It became apparent that one day Ruth might ask me to accompany her to Switzerland. Nothing was said, it just became Something We Have To Deal With at Some Point. In reality there are no signs that's Ruth;s condition is anything like as progressive as Andrew's. I really don't think we'll buying her a ticket for the Toblerone Truncheon, or, if she went to Holland, the Terminal Toastie.

People going through a debilitating illness are at the eye of the storm. They have points of absolute clarity which we, the people who love them, just don't share. We're in the storm. Because the thing is not happening to us we're not supposed to grieve, or be scared, or moan.

There have been many tributes to Peter Smeddley, whose death was filmed. He wasn't the first man I've seen die. My father contracted Parkinson's at 42 when I was a teenager. By 53 he had to retire. By 55 he was suffering from frightening, violent dementia. He would hallucinate, seeing snakes climbing up his body; he thought we were all strangers and he would attack us. By 58 he was unable to communicate at all, unable to take care of himself with any degree of dignity; unable to leave his bed. He weighed less that eight stone as he was unable to eat solid food. He had no teeth left and his hair wad worn away from writhing against his headboard. He dies with us all around him at 60. It wasn't particularly peaceful, nor was it quick. I understand why people want to protect themselves and their loved ones from all this.

But I also know that as one of his carers there were times I wanted to put a pillow over his face and end it - not for him, but for all of us. And THAT is where I get confused.

The argument is that if it were legal in the UK people would be put under pressure to kill themselves to relieve the pressure on the care services and families. You say it would never happen here. Less than a hundred years ago Marie Stopes and Winston Churchill were advocating Eungenics, Hitler was involuntarily euthenasing people with learning difficulties in the Thirties. Harold Shipman was happilly reducing the pension deficit like he was collecting Pokemon cards. YES it's rare, YES it's extreme, but it did happen.

This is going to be a minefield, and there is no single solution. It's going to have to be unravelled, caveats and safety nets put in. There's not going to be an elegant solution. And I am pissed the fuck off that I have been dragged into a debate that I wanted no part of.

At least Ruth says that she's been to Zurich and wouldn't want to be seen dead there.

Peter comforts wife... then viewers see his suicide on BBC (thesun.co.uk)

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