Joke of the day

2011-03-14T14:51:00.033-04:00

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop!
How cool is that for someone her age? mg

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A Golfer says: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

The Caddy fires back: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

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A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a dollar,
but never take a pretzel.

This offering went on for more than 3 years.The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over 3 years.

Without blinking an eye she said: "They're a dollar and a quarter now."

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

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A woman was walking down the street with "Guess" on her tee-shirt so I said "Implants?"...ebt
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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children as they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she came around to one little girl,who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The little girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." Annon

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Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by.

One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows

"That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man.

"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."

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A traveling salesman runs out of gas and walks up to a farmers house.
The farmer says he has no gas but tells the salesman he can stay the night
and he will take him to the service station in the morning.
The salesman says "Thanks!" and asks where he can stay.
The farmer says "You can sleep with my son tonight!"
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong joke!"
CS
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A cop pulls a young guy over:
"Hello officer" said the kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yes sir, but I didn't see you!
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Welcome to Montana!

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana.
One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback.
The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend.
He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded.
Well, There will probably be some fighting too.
I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor.
As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host.
"By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

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Melanie Gorman said...

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day .
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you
have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury,
in spa-like conditions, central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.
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Now.... A short collection of smart ass jokes until I find a good spot for 'um

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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