Chicks Dig Guys Who Cook

Orange Segments With Bourbon - Chocolate Cream

2014-03-25T16:49:00.001-05:00

So the photographer from the Rockford Register Star came over today to take some shots of my food. I wanted to make something quick - but not the same thing I did the last time I was photographed for the paper.

Remember how Forrest Gump had to go meet the President, AGAIN? My contention is that if you live in Rockford long enough you'll end up in the paper. For me, AGAIN - that's cool.

So I whipped up a cool dessert bite that I made for the class I taught at WomanSpace.

First, you need to know how to segment an orange Click here for a video to see how to do it

Then, make the whipped cream:

1/2 cup organic heavy cream
1 tsp sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
2 tsp finely grated dark chocolate
2 tsp good bourbon

Add the first 4 ingredients to a mixing bowl. Whip until starting to thicken. Add bourbon and whip until fully thickened. Let chill for 10 minutes.

Place dollop of bourbon cream on plate or in a spoon. Top with one orange segment. Sprinkle more grated dark chocolate. Add mint leaf for garnish.

So the funny thing is when I offer the photographer a taste, he says, "Holy crap! That's good."

Then he was off to take pictures at a local cocktail lounge. I'll bet they didn't give him anything that made him say "Holy crap!"

Salmon Sliders

2014-03-10T16:54:00.001-05:00

Salmon sliders are great for a fun snack at a party or for a casual meal. The chunky avocado pops with fresh-squeezed lime. The salmon has a spicy pan-sear and the creamy, heady gorgonzola rounds out the fresh flavors.

Ingredients

Salmon filets

Avocados

Limes, plus extra for drizzling

Gorgonzola

Slider-style buns

Salt, Pepper, Sugar, Cayenne

Make the avocado spread first. Coarsely chop avocado and add to mixing bowl. Squeeze fresh lime juice (one lime for every two avocados). Season with salt, pepper. Mix gently - there should still be some small bits of avocado. Set aside to chill.

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Season salmon filets with salt, pepper, pinch of sugar, and pinch of cayenne. Heat an oven-safe skillet on stove over high heat. Add one tablespoon olive oil to skillet. Carefully place salmon in skillet skin side up. Don't stir, poke, slide pan, or disturb the salmon in any way for at least 3 minutes. You want to see that nice searing crust form. Then, gently turn salmon skin side down and place in oven for 7-10 minutes.

Remove from oven and slide a knife under the filet between the fish and the skin to remove.

While the fish rests, build your sliders with avocado on the bun, top with salmon, sprinkle on crumbled gorgonzola. Squeeze fresh lime over all and dig in.

What, no jokes? No Paula Deen bashing? Nah. Eat something good and have some fun.

Oooh Mommy

2014-01-16T14:40:00.000-06:00

Those familiar with the "Four" Tastes: Sweet, Sour, Salty and Bitter are probably also aware that there is a new kid in town. There is a fifth taste that has been identified: Umami. Click here to read a cool post from NPR about umami

Umami roughly translated from Japanese means "Damn! That is yummy!" You would pronounce umami as "Oooh Mommy".

So what is it exactly? It is L-glutamate apparently. It is the fifth taste that our tongues can identify and I got some Damn Yummy for you right here.

Pumpkin Ravioli

Pumpkin Ravioli with portobello mushrooms, cranberries, toasted pecans, etc. You can buy the pumpkin ravioli premade and frozen. It cooks pretty quickly so get a big pot of water boiling but make this sauce first. I use the dried mushrooms because when you hydrate them, the mushroom broth that's left over is umami delicious.

Recipe goes like this:

Pumpkin Ravioli
2/3 cup Dried Cranberries
1/2 cup Dried Portobello Mushrooms
2/3 cup Chopped Pecans
1/2 Medium Onion Diced
Fresh Parmesan
2 TbsPesto
2 Tbs Olive Oil plus more for drizzling
2 Tbs Honey
Salt, Pepper to taste

Rinse the mushrooms briefly and put into one cup warm water to hydrate for 10 minutes or so. Remove the mushrooms, reserving the broth. Meanwhile get your pot of water boiling.

Place the chopped pecans into a pan and toast them (dry) over medium heat until fragrant - about 5-6 minutes. Stir them occasionally so they don't burn. Set them aside in a bowl for later.

Return the pan to medium heat, add 2 tablespoons olive oil and saute the onions for 5 minutes. Add the cranberries, mushrooms, and pecans - season with salt and pepper. Heat 3-4 minutes and add one half cup mushroom broth. Simmer for 5 minutes and add pesto, stirring well.

Add honey and mix well. Pour in more mushroom broth to desired consistency. Want it thinner? Add more. Like it thicker, add less. It's your world.

Cook ravioli until it floats to the top of the water. Drain well.

Dish ravioli, top with sauce, sprinkle fresh parmesan and drizzle with olive oil.

Quinoa pretzels

2013-08-18T18:42:00.000-05:00

She-Who-Digs-Me found an awesome deal on pretzels. One pound bag for a buck! Ha! She is always finding good deals on stuff... But bag of pretzels??? Yummy, crispy, fat-free snacks! WooHoo!

Now I'm thinking, "Don't want to be a Nutri-Nazi here, but that's a bunch of carbs... and I know me"

I'm not into sweets and stuff. Never really was. People say that's so lucky!!! Nah... Just don't care for the taste. Not sure why. Just not my thing. But give me a bag of chips and LOOK OUT!

So here's this nice bag of pretzels - I remember doing my "Better Bread" thing (page 120 of the cookbook for those of you keeping track...) and putting yummy stuff on a loaf of bread to bake. Realizing I have this 7-Seed mix in the pantry, naturally thoughts turned to put that on pretzel - cuz it's kind of like bread - only tiny bite-sized loaves with salt.

I grabbed the 7-Seed mix and saw the ingredients include QUINOA! Quinoa (pronounced "keen-wha") is a ridiculously yummy, healthy grain. All the rage...blahblahblah. Click here to read all the health benefits of quinoa. Pretty awesome!

Then I'm thinking, "Whaaaaa? Healthy grain on a yummy snack? Count me in."

Sooooo.... I baked my pretzels with a garlic, quinoa, sesame seed coating - and - it - is - GREAT!

Here's how...

I used half the bag of pretzels... (4cups of pretzels, okay?)
4 Tbs melted butter
1tsp quinoa
1tsp sesame seeds
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp seasoned salt
1/2 tsp dried dill weed

Combine all except the pretzels and mix well. Add the pretzels and stir to coat well. Bake at 325 degrees for 15 minutes - stirring every 5 minutes or so.

Snack healthier! I'm going to try this on popcorn soon...

Did I Mention How Much I Hate Paula Deen?

2013-06-07T16:19:00.000-05:00

She's at it again. That butter-glazed bitch from the South has her own food company! You need to be warned! Be vigilant! Celebrity worship is truly the Fast Lane To Damnation.

Click here for a link to a Huffingtonpost.com article to read all about Paula's "Finishing Butter", Tortilla Chips, and Chocolates.

I wish I was effing making this up.

For you, I have traveled to hell and back (Paula's website) to bring the details to light of "Finishing Butter" a la Paula. This quote directly from Pauladeen.com:

I’ll also be sharing with y’all my new grilling finishing butters that lets us all cook with butter as a “finishing” ingredient, using my favorite taste of butter in moderation. My grilling butter is amazing on steak, fish, shrimp or shellfish, its great on potatoes or pasta – it goes with everything. I also am makin’ other great varieties, of butter including Citrus Zest Butter, Lemon Dill Butter, European-Style Butter, and Garden Herb Butter, all available in Walmart stores across the country.

I am gagging as I type this. Thank God I will never be exposed to this corrupt, money-grubbing Butter Bitch and her ridiculous foods - because I will never enter a Walmart store.

Let's break down the quote from the Deen of Dairy:
1. Anyone else tired of the "Y'all" thing? There is no reason for her to remind us in print of her Southern heritage. We know, Paula. Okay? We know.
2. Butter as a "finishing ingredient" is freaking genius Paula. You mean like finishing salt? Or a drizzle of vinegar? A sauce is a nice finishing ingredient. Oh wait! You mean BUTTER.
3. It goes with everything. That's a great way to round out a meal. Butter on everything.
4. You are "makin'" other great varieties of butter? Geez Paula! You're not makin' - you're selling! Note the damn "g" on the end of the word? You're welcome.
5. Fucking Walmart? Are you kidding? If it was a real culinary weapon in my kitchen arsenal it would be in a real grocery chain.

You want to know what the real problem is with this crap? Not Paula making more money.

Paula! You have a cooking show! Teach people how to make compound butter on your show! Here is a link to a tilapia recipe I posted with a simple compound butter. It's not hard Paula. Even you could teach this. And you would not have to sell processed foods to your loyal fans.

Instead you post recipes for fish (good for you Paula! fish!) that include reduced sauces containing heavy cream PLUS your goddamn butter. Your recipes suck.

Rainy Days

2013-04-11T09:51:00.001-05:00

When life feels like:

Eating hot-buttered toast in a cold, pouring rain.

And you could use an umbrella...

Be someone's umbrella today

Lime - Tequila Wings

2013-03-14T16:11:00.003-05:00

Springtime is Grill Time

I am sick of winter - sick of snow - sick of warming up the car before going anywhere. Everything takes so much work, too much time. Probably the only great thing about winter is Christmas (well the holidays in general).

Thanksgiving is fun but demands a shit load of work. The menu gets planned a week or two in advance. Shopping, cleaning, prepping, blah blah blah. The actual meal itself takes hours (hours!) to make and in twenty minutes it's over. Then more cleaning. Once that's done, then - and only then - is my favorite part: drinking and playing family games.

Christmas is exhausting: more planning, shopping, cleaning. Add in decorating, more shopping, wrapping. Weeks in the planning and in twenty minutes it's over. Clean all that up and (don't forget Christmas dinner!) after that... drinking and playing family games. See a pattern here?

Then January, February - pfbbbbbbt. (That's the stick your tongue out and blow sound.)

Yeah, it's winter and I'm enjoying that cigar - making
the now-famous Lime Tequila Wings!

Why can't we just drink and play games and get right to the good stuff? (That's called college...)

Kids have it easy - bundle up, go outside and play in the snow. By high school, you adopt that Too-Cool-For-The-Room attitude and building a snowman is off the radar. In college, drinking and playing games (usually drinking games) LEADS to playing outside in the snow! The shitty thing about being an adult is how much freaking work it takes to have fun. Especially in the long, dark, boring, crappy winter months.

Well here it is... Spring is just around the corner. Easier to get out and go! Get out and do! Golfing, grilling, (kick your feet up and light up a cigar) YEAH BABY!
I feel myself turning the corner and ready to share moronic observations and culinary adventures and kitchen disasters. Enjoy life, laugh a little bit. Let's go...

THE Lime Tequila Wings - to be pronounced the same way
they say, "THE Ohio State University"

Yep. It's worth it - braving the cold, liquid courage (liquid furnace?) in hand, working the grill! See ya out there...

Mark Zuckerberg, You're Fired

2012-11-12T16:40:00.000-06:00

I have realized that I spend a great deal of time just reading about other people's lives. Not that other people are not funny or interesting. It's the time. I could spend hours clicking and reading. Following threads and posts. At the end of all that, what do I have? Knowledge? Not much. Clarity? Very little. So I'm done. No more Facebook.

This is just like when I was a kid and quit television cold turkey. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. All that time wasted. The hours ticked by and there I sat doing nothing. I was all of twelve years old.

Turning on the TV after school was always the same: Gilligan's Island, Bewitched, Hogan's Heroes, Dick Van Dyke Show, and others. Hours of sitting around with eyes glued to the set. Day after day - every day. At least three hours of fake television laugh tracks even before dinner time. Prime time television was even more time spent barely blinking.

Four to five hours per weekday totaled twenty to twenty-five hours. BOOM! That's one whole damn day! I was giving up an entire day of my week, every week. In the years between age 7 to age 12, I had lost one whole year of my life sitting in front of the TV doing nothing. (Yeah, I actually thought logically about stuff as a kid - some things never change.)

Giving up TV was weirdly liberating. Now I am hoping for that same lift by giving up Facebook.

I still love writing and I'd like to continue my blog. If you'd like to keep reading it, feel free. You may find it easier to click the follower tab at the bottom of the page. Or click the RSS feed. Posts will be delivered to you. Click on the comment below and share stuff if you'd like. But if you've linked to the blog via Facebook in the past I won't be there. The blog is not my problem - Facebook is my problem. Not interested.

You may decide you are done reading blog posts that are wasting your time - that's cool. Have fun - live life.

Until we eat again,
Doug

What the Hell is Tapenade

2012-10-16T07:29:00.000-05:00

I LOVE bloopers. I even like the word. BLOOPER. Scott Prather (ESPN 1420) posted a link to Dish Network's outtakes from Peyton Manning's commercial. You can click here to see the clip for NFL Sunday Ticket bloopers from Scott's blog.

Scott's blog post correctly notes that many tapenade recipes include anchovies (EWWWW!) which tends to make the tapenade too salty. Recognizing this, I created a recipe for tapenade that uses sauteed vegetables along with the olives to taste great and still be tapenade-y.

So what? Hey if Peyton Manning likes tapenade and football. Together. Maybe you should try it too.

You can spread it on a muffaletta sandwich - which is a delicious Italian sandwich with meats and cheese - like a sub, only better. Click here for a muffaletta recipe from the Serious Eats blog. And... be sure to scroll down to the bottom of the page to read comments from pompous gas-bags spouting off about the "True Muffaletta" characteristics. Lighten up people - it's food.

Olive Tapenade

2 dozen pitted olives - green and kalamata mix

5 medium white mushrooms

1/2 medium onion

1 large celery stalk

olive oil

fresh lemon juice

Coarsely chop all the veggies and toss them into a skillet with olive oil. Sweat until done about 5 minutes. Add more olive oil until coated and a teaspoon of lemon juice. Grind fresh pepper to taste. Mix well. Chill. You too.

A Beautiful Turd

2012-09-10T20:35:00.000-05:00

It's 7:38 PM and I am outside with a scotch and a cigar licking my wounds because my roasted chicken didn't turn out right. I am being a petulant turd. Did you ever see "A Beautiful Mind"? The scene where John Nash loses at the board game -"The Hubris of the Defeated" he claims the game is flawed, his play was perfect.

My roasted chicken was flawed, but my play was not perfect: whole chicken, stuffed with fresh thyme, onion, lemon. Seasoned with garlic, salt, pepper. Oven baked for eighty minutes at 375... it should have cooked all the way through. It did not. Damn.

Why? AAAARRRGGGGHHH! Well, I fucked up. I ran out of propane for the grill. I ALWAYS do this on the grill. The grill thermometer reads 375. It takes about an hour and twenty minutes on my grill. I move to plan B... the oven. Specifically the oven at 375. Not the same thing...

My play was not perfect. Nope. Not done.

I got impatient. We are hungry. Took it out, carved the breast meat. The bird was giving me the bird. Hahahaha! You carnivorous bastard! Still pink!

I'd love to say I microwaved the somewhat uncooked chicken, topped it with a marvelous sauce, poured more wine and salvaged the evening. Nope. Not suave.

The most recent issue of "Food & Wine" magazine has this sweet recipe from Grace Parisi for Scallops with Grapefruit and Bacon. (I would give you a link here, but there is none! God, could this day get any shittier?) She (is awesome by the way...) says cook bacon at moderate heat until crisp ABOUT 3 MINUTES! There is no freaking way bacon is going to be crisp on my stove after just 3 minutes! Maybe hers, but not mine!

Lesson learned: adjust times to your cooking modulus. I have cooked bacon on my stove often enough to know that CRISP bacon is going to take longer than three fucking minutes. I know the desired result. Duh. Bacon. Crisp.

I also know my stove. And my oven. And my grill. The first rule in cooking something great (or at least good) - know your kitchen. Then think about what you are doing.

The good news... tomorrow we will eat again. I let you down, but I will be better.

By the way, John Nash turned that game theory into a Nobel Prize.

That chicken? It's gonna be some awesome soup...take that you poultry bastard. Until we eat again... Peace.

Second City Sushi

2012-09-10T12:09:00.000-05:00

Chopsticks: love 'em or hate 'em? Did you catch the report on CNN about the American company that exports chopsticks to China (instead of the other way around)? Georgia Chopsticks is an exporter of chopsticks and the company cannot keep up with the demand!

I happen to love chopsticks. I learned to use chopsticks at an early age. When we were kids the choice of restaurant to celebrate our birthdays was DOMINATED by Benihana! I loved watching the chef flipping knives, working fast, tapping rhythms with salt and pepper shakers. This certainly was an influence and piqued my interest in learning to cook.

Sooo... Fast forward. Buddy of mine is in town, wants to take me to dinner. I suggested a place near the office: Marc's Fusion Cafe for some amazing sushi.

You'd think he just ate a lemon. His face contorts, his shoulders lift, "Sushi?? Ewww."

Dude.

It's fresh, it's fun. Going out for sushi encourages chatting at the table, relaxing. Not for Bob.

Okayyy... got me thinking here. It's gotta be the very idea of raw fish. (Now I know that "maki" is a sliced roll and "sashimi" is a piece of fish, but we're gonna go with this one...)

Uncooked fish making you squirm a bit? Fine. Try my Second City Sushi! We live in the Midwest! It's steak and potato with a red-wine reduction for the sauce. (Umm...Doug, why not just make a steak and potato?) Good question, glad ya asked!

Small pieces, you can eat with your hands! (Dudes love finger food!)
Lots and lots of combinations here:

Substitute chicken, pork, shrimp for the protein.
Substitute for the rice: potato, pasta, sprouts, cucumber (or leave the rice in there)

3. It's fun (Gee it seems like a lot of work) Yeah - but fun sometimes means work - ever go camping?

Play with your food! Let me know what you think!

You Will Never Be Jessica Simpson

2012-09-08T07:17:00.000-05:00

Bread plus heat equals toast. Toast plus more heat equals charcoal-like crap. Too much of a good thing creates bad thing. Gotta know when to quit.

One martini, good. Five martini, bad. (Latin plural of martini is what? Martinaes? Interesting, funny article on latin plurals can be found at http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2139/what-is-the-plural-of-penis)

The small paragraph above is another example of "Gotta know when to quit". Should never have gone there with the whole Latin nonsense. Didn't even take Latin in school. I took French. Four years in high school. (The teacher was hot! She drove a sports car, had long blonde hair...there were a lot of guys in that class.)

Apparently Jessica Simpson didn't know when to quit. She confessed to eating anything she wanted during her pregnancy in an interview with USA Today , then was surprised when the weight didn't come off after delivery of the baby.

"I let myself indulge in everything I wanted because it was the first time I was ever pregnant, and I wanted to enjoy it," Simpson told the paper. "I wanted to be happy and eat what I wanted."

I believe men have no business telling women what they can and cannot do. (And vice-versa thankyouverymuch!) I especially believe the evolved male will tread very lightly where weight issues are concerned when a woman is pregnant.

It is sad however that celebrities have carte blanche. Fame and money allow them to give anyone and everyone the giant middle finger. Celebrities need, NEED our love and money! They can and do fall off the wagon du jour, and don't really give a shit about our forgiveness, yet ask for it anyway.

Why do they not care? Because there is always some corporate endorsement waiting for them. (Hear that Paula Deen?) Should you or I indulge in everything we want because it's our first time being pregnant (never thought I would type those words!) then pack on pounds, we will not be rewarded with a $4,000,000 endorsement deal from Weight Watchers to drop the added pounds. Come on! Four million dollars!??! Shit...

I hope Jessica loses her baby-weight and stays healthy. But we should all know by now that "happy" doesn't come from a fork.

Do yourself a favor, and soon: try eating from the "small plates" menu from your favorite restaurant. Go to a tapas-style restaurant. Eat light, linger, laugh a lot.

Be A Stud

2012-08-12T15:53:00.000-05:00

Oven Poach - It Ain't That Damn Hard

Okay gentlemen... put down the tongs and step away from the grill. If you are slapping your famous (insert meat of your choice here) on the grill and feeling like a hero, that's cool. But you aren't cooking dinner if you aren't doing the side dish as well.

Specifically, if the One-You-Are-Out-To-Impress is doing everything else and handing you the raw meat on the platter, you may be feeling like The Shizzle. (Dude nobody says that anymore.) Really? I just didn't think I could say you're The Shit. I can? Cool.

If you're feeling like doing everything: meat, rice, vegetable is too hectic a feat to pull off - I want you to feel awesome about yourself and impress the hell out of yourself as well as She-Who-Digs-You. It's time to be a stud.

Try this: oven poaching. Typically a poached meat is cooked on the stove in simmering liquid. Nothing wrong with that, of course. But I like the even, gentle heat of the oven. If you put the fish (or chicken or whatev) in a baking dish and add just enough flavored broth to cover the bottom of the dish, the meat will have a yummy sauna to hang out in. It gets all tender and juicy in the sauna sauce.

Sauna Sauce - Rich stock with fresh thyme, bay leaf and pepper!

The cool thing about oven-poaching is "you can't screw this up and it tastes fantastic". Often when doing fish there is a very small window for doneness. Two minutes less and your filet is still raw in the middle (frowns and pathetic pats on the arm); two minutes more and you got the typical, "oh it's too dry" (eye rolls when you're not looking, lots of water to wash it down). Harsh, isn't it?

Here's the order of operations (math nerds rejoice!)

Thaw the fish if it isn't already...

Open a can of ready to use broth, put it in a pan with some pepper, herbs, etc. Garlic? Sure man!

Simmer that for like 20 minutes while you have a drink. You're setting the stage. Chick noticing... um hmm

Turn oven on to 375. Smile like the badass you are. (Oh, it's nothing... you want some more wine?)

When the oven is up to temp, put all that stuff together in the baking dish and toss it in.

Sauteed Mushrooms with Cherry Tomatoes - going on top of the fish

You've got like 15 to 20 minutes to put together the rest. Can you handle it? Hell yeah. Uncle Ben's whole grain microwave rice (90 seconds!) and heat up a vegetable. I did sauteed spinach (120 seconds!) Figured I got time, I sauteed mushrooms, and tossed in quartered cherry tomatoes to top off the fish.

Got it? Put it all on the plate. This is a nice light meal leaving you plenty of room and calories to have a light dessert after. Healthy, easy, smart. Just like you - stud!

Be Good To Yourself

2012-07-31T22:05:00.000-05:00

Be good to yourself.

This is a sexy refreshing cocktail that I made out of whatever we happened to have on hand. The green stuff is fresh basil. (Or do you say "baah sil"?) No, you don't because that would sound stupid and pretentious. Ahh screw it. If it makes you laugh, do whatever you want. We're all friends here.

The brown stuff is whiskey. If I had bourbon on hand I would have done that, but I didn't.

The floating stuff is ice. Yeah, duh.

What you don't see is the simple syrup. Sugar, water and mixing. How simple is that?

You know what this recipe would be if you had rum? And instead of baah sil you had mint? It would be a mojito. I did not want a mojito. Watch Brian Griffin drink a mojito. And I did not have mint.

Put equal parts sugar and water into a glass and mash that up. (There are better ways to do this involving boiling and cooling, but do you want to cook or do you want to drink? Yeah, I thought so.) Add a half dozen basil leaves and mash that up too.

Strain that into a glass and add whiskey. Good stuff if you have it. Add ice. Swirl and enjoy.

Earlier this evening I was going to make dinner. Mrs. Digs-Me was out for the evening. Eating left-overs is not my thing, but it makes her happy when they get eaten. I found some chicken, feta, couscous thing in the fridge. That would be nice over some sauteed spinach...

It occurred to me to skip adding garlic to the oil. It's just me after all. Hey, screw that. Add flavors! You're worth it. It's the little things! Be good to yourself, my friends.

There's Something About Mary

2012-07-09T21:48:00.003-05:00

Any freakin' thing you can think of - somebody has put it into a Bloody Mary. Much like the martini, there is no ONE recipe for a Bloody Mary! There is room for discussion on the topic naturally because opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one.

I have had Bloody Marys handed to me in a glass just STUFFED with food: celery, mushrooms, asparagus, onion, cheese, pickle, beef stick, olives. It's a meal in a glass.

My thought: with all that food in there, it's time to take the meal out of the glass. The Bloody Mary deconstructed has all the makings of a meal. The challenge is to put all that in there and make it work as a salad. Why a salad? It's freakin' hot outside!

Now you will notice in the above photo a fabulous salad of fresh tomatoes, beef carpaccio, and grilled asparagus. Next to the salad plate is an olive tapenade, horseradish sauce, a loaded cheese grater, and frozen vodka. You know what goes into a great Bloody Mary recipe? Same stuff my friend...

Let's break it down. I've got sliced tomatoes subbing for the tomato juice. There's your nice acidity. Top that with some extra virgin olive oil and a nice balsamic glaze. Beef carpaccio - that's Italian for sliced really damn thin. Or when you're a lazy shit like me, slice it thicker and pound it thin (hey don't judge). Tomato, beef and grilled asparagus (better than pickled) make up the base of the salad.

Top the salad with olive oil and a squeeze of lemon, a little salt and pepper AND grated black pepper BellaVitano cheese. It's made in Plymouth, Wisconsin and it's delicious! Click on the link and check it out.

Now the other stuff that goes into a Bloody Mary: olives, celery, mushroom, onion - there's my tapenade! That goes on top of tomatoes, beef, bread, chicken, fish - anything and it is yummy! I will put a recipe link for it and you tell me how awesome it is! Look on the tab bar...

The other thing people will put in a Bloody (short for Bloody Mary) is more spice. Tabasco: ehh... been that done there, jalapeno: what the hell ever..., horseradish: WAIT! that goes with my beef! YES! YES! YES! Done!

And of course vodka. Tito's (made in America, by Americans dammit!) frozen, served in chilled glasses with a squeeze of lemon. I challenge my friend Matt (go see him at Social Urban Bar & Restaurant) to take this Bloody Mary over the top!)

Serve chilled with chill music and chill friends.

5 Things I Hate About Paula Deen

2012-06-27T22:33:00.001-05:00

Sorry, Y'All! I jest cain't help it... The woman drives me nuts. The Southern cooking show queen turned diabetic, Paula Deen was quoted, "I think a few people who have access to a TV camera and ink wanted to hate on me for coming down with something. But I so don't worry about it." Well good for you Paula. Don't give a thought to my 5 Things I Hate About Paula Deen list either.

Stupid Fake Smile - check this out...

She tips her head left, she tips her head right. Same over-the-top, look-at-me, I'm Paul Deen cheese.

Burger with donuts!

2. Ridiculous Food - She claims to cook Southern-style comfort food. Paula, plumping up your butt for ease in sitting on hard chairs is not what they mean by comfort food. Everyone has heard by now of the insane episode where she makes a burger with egg, bacon, and uses glazed donuts instead of buns ... or how about the Deep Fried Cheesecake episode http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oUVwyFsZI with 1/4 cup sugar, 24 ounces cream cheese, 1 more cup sugar, white chocolate, semisweet chocolate, powdered sugar, chocolate sauce and whipped cream, oh and eggs. Shit.

3. Selling diabetes medications. Well all the celebrities are doin' it y'all. That's like a pusher giving kids heroin so he can sell them more later. Hey Bitch. Cashing those checks from Novo Nordisk aren't ya? http://www.novonordisk.com/ (Full disclosure - I'm a doctor and I see diabetics everyday and the consequences. This is a tough disease and these companies are saving lives. But medication without lifestyle changes are a drain on the healthcare system.)

4. New diet in People magazine. After getting fat and happy (literally) pushing stupid insane "Comfort Food" Y'all while hiding her diabetic condition - NOW she figures out that her plate should have a whole lot more vegetables and fish on it.

5. ANOTHER celebration of the latest celebrity to get clean or lean! Hooray! Where are the celebrations for those individuals who stay clean or lean all along? "Oh, Paula Deen lost 30 pounds by eating healthy! Wow! Isn't that great? Maybe I can do it too!" Well some of us don't have 30 pounds to lose so you can shower us with admiration. You know why? Because we never ate four cups of sugar with a pound of melted butter chaser in one sitting. Like the prodigal son we are supposed to welcome Paula into the fold of the healthy and celebrate her finding the light (meals) blah blah blah.

Do yourself a favor, click on a fish recipe on my page or any page anywhere on the internet and find something you like about it.

Meanwhile Paula Deen will continue to cash checks from endorsement deals for everything from ham and cream cheese to diabetes medication and smiles her smarmy-fake smile for People magazine. What a bunch of deep-fried baloney.

Funky Yummy Popcorn in Slo-Mo

2012-05-15T15:58:00.002-05:00

Anything in slow motion is cool. Add music and it's powerful, riveting stuff. Behold the power of the montage.
Even commercials for golf tournaments use montages to make the sport exciting.

Quick aside: You know damn well watching a golf tournament is three mind-numbing hours of green grass and bad pants. (Congratulations to Rickie Fowler by the way: cool guy, bad clothes.) Seriously, click on his name here and see his "collection". Geez. If I dressed like that? Chicks dig wealthy guys who dress like that, but everyone else who dresses like that - no effin way! I happen to like golf and I even watch on TV sometimes, but I'd rather play than watch.

Can slow motion make truly anything cool? Let's see... Try clicking here to see popcorn popping in slo-mo! It's totally cool and one of the guys gets spattered with oil. What's funny about that? Are you kidding? What's NOT funny about that!

Now why am I showing you popcorn? Because I have this recipe see...

Click on the recipe page in the bar above. You did notice that I put recipes up there for you, right? Who cares about you more than anyone (besides your mom)? That would be me. Feel free to print them out and share with chicks who dig you.

We had some amazing fries with truffle-oil, parmesan, and fresh pepper and I had the idea to make the same thing with popcorn. It's my favorite snack in the world. Every time I make this popcorn at home I get requests for more.

One word about truffle oil: the earthy, funky flavor of a strong mushroom is not used in truffle oil. It's actually olive oil with a synthetic additive (a thioether 2,4-dithiapentane). Sexy, right? Well truffles are expensive. Like Rickie Fowler can afford them but not me type expensive. But whatever...I'm not going to get all purist on you - it's the flavor that matters here.

And keeping your chick happy. Dig that.

We're Being Invaded

2012-05-06T09:29:00.002-05:00

Giant Asian shrimp are being found on our shores! WE NEED BUTTER. LOTS OF BUTTER!
Before any real panic sets in, we here at Chicks Dig Oceanographers Who Cook are going to calm your fears. If the delicate ecosystem cannot sustain giant shrimp, bring them my way. I know what to do with those bad crustaceans. Two movie references already?

The real concern is the giant shrimp are voracious eaters and are feeding on smaller shrimp (yeah, weird...they eat their own kind) and they are upsetting the delicate balance of our ecosystem.

Hmm... the giant shrimp are eating the small ones. So? You ever try peeling two dozen little things and dipping them in cocktail sauce? What a pain in the ass. Peel one giant one and munch that. It's called efficiency baby.

Secondly, the balance of the native ecosystem? Maybe we are witnessing an evolution of sorts. Or perhaps like other species (Man for example), these yummy water-dwellers have been desperately trying to reach the Land of Opportunity! America the Beautiful! The NOAA website has the report on the science of this invasion.

I say, bring 'em on! What else are the scientists freaking out about?

Armored Catfish. Yeah, I'd eat that. His armor is no match for my Weber Grill!
Northern Snakehead. That bastard deserves to be eaten. Clearly this guy is full of attitude - yup get my skillet.
This thing has already been eaten and got pooped out.

(all photos from http://news.yahoo.com/photos/freaky-fish-fuel-nightmares-slideshow/increase-massive-shrimp-discovered-gulf-photo-115900485.html.)

How about a recipe? I'm here for you, sir. We are going to need a sauce for the aqua-invaders. Everybody has a shrimp recipe... Let's do fish. Doug, why not shrimp? Because I already have a fish picture and not a shrimp one, okay?

Salmon with lemon dill sauce.

1/2 Cup sour cream

2 teaspoons dill weed

juice from 1/4 lemon

salt and pepper to taste

salmon

Mix the sour cream, dill, and lemon juice in a bowl and add salt and pepper to taste. Both you and the sauce should chill for a while.

Brush olive oil on the salmon and season with salt and pepper. Heat skillet over medium-high heat and sear salmon, skin side up for 3-4 minutes. Carefully flip to skin side down and turn the heat down to medium to finish cooking. Watch the sides to check for desired doneness. I don't like salmon cooked to well-done. When mine is medium-rare I turn the heat off and cover for five minutes.

Top with yummy sauce.

Common Sense and Wal-Mart Sucks

2012-04-24T14:57:00.000-05:00

(Warning: story from my childhood and learning a lesson at the end. But first here's an anti Wal-Mart rant!)

Ask any guy if he is logical! "Oh hell yeah! I'm rational, sane, and logical like Spock!") Yeah... sure we are... um hmmm... Cooking can be like a logic puzzle. The process goes like this: What are you going to make? Think about flavors: on the plate, working together, finished product. Work backwards. When does this need to come off the stove? Okay, how long is it going to take to cook? Fine, what time to start it then? Good, now what goes into it? Does that need to be chopped? Big pieces or diced?

That's the process and it gets easier each time you do it. You (and you alone) know the ins and outs of your pan thickness and BTU's of your grill and how that will affect cooking time. What's the grilling time for a hamburger versus a chicken breast?

You've got to think a little about what you're doing. Michael Ruhlman wrote an excellent book on technique - one of which is THINKING. Not thinking can wreck your dinner. Here's an example: An actual recipe from the spawn of the Evil Empire that is Wal-Mart. This recipe from Sam's Club for Roasted Garlic and Herb Steaks calls for grilling a strip steak over direct high heat for 15 to 20 minutes! For medium-rare!

I am in no way disrespecting the chefs hired by the Wal-Mart clan who created and published this recipe... Oh screw that! Of course I am! Wake up moron! Gordon Ramsay would kick your ass! 15 to 20 minutes on direct high heat? Strip steak? WTF? Unless you've got a steak like the Flintstones Brontosaurus Ribs, that steak is destined to be crap!.
Do you really want to spend good money for a steak and end up eating the culinary equivalent of shredded tire tread from a semi along the highway? Even a raccoon would walk away from that. So I guess Wal-Mart wants you to waste your money, not save your money. Do yourself a favor - get to know your local butcher and support small business. Think, plan, be prepared.

(Here's the story from my early cooking days wherein there was not much thinking going on...)
One of my first real cooking experiences with a friend - went to Illinois Beach State Lodge with John Galang. He had the great idea that we were going to get up early and hang out on the beach of Lake Michigan. Bring food, build small fire, do some fishing - hang out all day.

What would be better than blueberry pancakes on the beach first thing in the morning with the sun coming up?

Maybe a pan to cook them in.

Also a spatula.

Back packs? Check. Blueberries? Check. Matches? Got 'em. That was about it. I'd like to tell you that I rose to the occasion and found a way to make something out of nothing. I'd like to say that those were the best pancakes I ever ate. Nah. We did "cook" something but it in no way resembled a blueberry pancake. Cooked them on aluminum fail - I mean foil. Hanging out at the beach all day turned into, "God, this sucks." Got back on our bikes and we were home eating a hot dog by 12:30.

Lesson learned. Be prepared. Wal-Mart sucks.

I Have Seen The Future

2012-04-19T12:35:00.000-05:00

Glad Torsdag! (That's Happy Thursday to my Swedish friends)

I have seen the future and it is aquaponics.

This is a symbiotic system for growing plants and raising fish using 10% of the water used in traditional farming. It uses no soil - allowing urban farms to feed people where traditional farming is non-existent. Aquaponics can be small-scale for home growers or large-scale commercial farms with practically no pollution.

Check out 312 Aquaponics If you are familiar with 312 Urban Wheat beer, you know that 312 is the area code in Chicago. We here at Chicks Dig Central love Goose Island Products (see the Matlida blog post here for a kick-ass tuna recipe)!

A perusal of other website information on the subject will yield anything from classy blogs like Sylvia Berstein's excellent resource Aquaponic Gardening to goofy-ass bunker-living, gun-toting "Planners" who see this technology as their survival plan for Armageddon-end of the world-Mayan Doomsday scenarios. (This one is pretty funny though...)

Now if you know for a FACT that your chick would dig you being THAT GUY, then by all means...

(picture from nationalgeographic.com)

I personally will not be "Prepping" but this aquaponics should be on everyone's radar. Particularly YOU - Guy who knows how to cook stuff. You are going to be a superstar when all this delicious fish is being harvested. (But Doug, how do I cook fish so it isn't dry and smelly?)

Glad you asked!

Skillet Tilapia with Lemon-Cilantro Butter

4 Tablespoons softened butter

Juice of 1/2 lemon

fresh cilantro

2 thawed tilapia fillets

Combine first three ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Set aside.

Heat non-stick skillet with one tablespoon olive oil over medium heat. Add tilapia fillets and season lightly with salt and pepper. Leave them the hell alone. When the edges are white and the middle has only a little "pink" left, turn off the heat and cover. Leave them the hell alone for about 4 minutes so they finish cooking. I even have a photo for you! (I know, it's crazy how much I care...)

Carefully slide them onto a plate and top with the lemon butter for an instant, yummy sauce.

Got it? Serve with a crisp salad (grown aquaponically or not) and a nice Goose Island beer. Watch out for prepping nut jobs.

More fish recipes in the book Chicks Dig Guys That Cook and some pretty funny stuff too... Thanks for playing along!

Green Eggs - No Ham

2012-03-20T16:17:00.001-05:00

What the hell is wrong with the chickens who laid these eggs?

I and She-Who-Digs me scored an invite to THE party of the season. Bridget and Dave throw an amazing St. Patrick's Day party and Bridget makes some excellent corned-beef. This party has all the Irish-ness befitting the day and none of the false-ness that marketing "experts" use to celebrate St. Patrick.

I'm talking to you SAB MillerCoors Brewing Company!

Yes I can and will look askew at green beer pretending to be Irish while I wear a green shirt despite the fact that I know of no Irish heritage of my own. My thinking is if you're going to celebrate Ireland and things Irish then do that! Green food coloring does not Irish beer make!

Well what about the Chicago River being dyed green? Hmmm. Okay that tradition goes way back and is cool as hell. And the Irish population of Chicago is well deserving, so perhaps green food coloring does belong in the celebration discussion.

But, you will find no food coloring of any sort in my Not-At-All-Irish Deviled Eggs. The green comes from avocado. Yep, it's guacamole!

Most deviled egg recipes will call for mashing up the hard-boiled yolks and adding fat in the form of mayo. I wanted all the protein, and none of the fat. Check out the Hass Avocado website info!
Here's an easy recipe for guacamole:
4 ripe avocados
juice of one half lime
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/2 cup salsa
salt and pepper to taste

Scoop the "meat" out of the avocados into a medium sized bowl. Mash with a fork. Add lime juice, garlic. Drain a little juice out of the salsa so it doesn't make your guacamole too thin. Add the chunky stuff from the salsa to the bowl and stir until smooth. Add salt and pepper. Refrigerate for a couple hours so the flavors get all happy together.

Meanwhile if you want to try the egg thing... Put eggs into a pot of cold water. When the water boils, cover the pan and turn off the heat. Let it sit for 15 minutes. Cool the eggs by running cold water over them. When they are cool enough to touch, put them in the fridge for an hour or so. Peel the hard boiled eggs, slice in half and toss the yolk out.

Put the guac into a ziploc-type bag and cut a little of the corner off so you can "pipe" the guac into the empty egg white halves.

Garnish with a little chopped cilantro if you like - OR a dab of Tabasco is fun too! All the flavor - none of the fat. Chicks Dig That!

The Meatloaf Atonement

2011-12-21T11:01:00.000-06:00

My family has never been served meatloaf because I forebade it. When my wife's birthday came around this year the long-standing joke of making meatloaf came up. I offered to cook anything she would like for her birthday dinner.

My wife's fond childhood memories of meatloaf on the dinner table are in direct contrast to my childhood experiences with the baked beef dish. My frustrated mother ordered her picky son to, "put that bite of food in your mouth and go to bed!" after I sat for about three hours refusing to eat my dinner.

I tucked that meatloaf between my cheek and gums, put on my pajamas and went to bed. The next morning, it was still there. (The horror - the horror)

Having learned a thing or two about cooking all these years later, I figured it was time to end the deprivation. I needed to design a meatloaf recipe that would conjure the happy memories of her youth, while making something palatable enough to erase my past indiscretion.

I am happy to announce this recipe will be served at our table again. The kitchen laboratory at Chicks Dig Central was all smiles! The dish was juicy and flavorful. This was based on a recipe for mini cheeseburgers from the Morton's Steak Bible (http://www.amazon.com/Mortons-Steak-Bible-Legendary-Steakhouse/dp/1400097940) .

photo from Morton's website http://www.mortons.com/menu/barbites/

I give you: The Meatloaf Atonement...

1 1/4 lb ground sirloin

1/2 lb ground pork

1/2 med onion, diced

4-5 white mushrooms, sliced

1 tbs minced garlic

2 eggs

6 tbs tomato juice

1/4 cup each: grated parmesan, panko bread crumbs

1 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp fresh pepper

Heat oven to 375 degrees, and saute onion, garlic, mushrooms 5 - 6 minutes, let cool.

Add onion mixture and all other ingredients to large bowl and gently mix using your hands.

Place in loaf pan and bake 45 minutes.

Pour off fat and let sit for 5 minutes before slicing and serving.

Serve with a juicy shiraz. Then put on your pajamas and go to bed, you good boy!

Affligem Tripel - Like Raiders of the Lost Ark

2011-12-14T10:34:00.001-06:00

(photo from http://greatbrewers.com/product/affligem-tripel)

This is a beer for adventurous types - guys can channel their inner Indiana Jones and ladies, their inner Marion Ravenwood. Stay with me here...

First, the beer - the bottle is caged and corked (like a champagne - cool!) and the pour is somewhat cloudy. For a tripel (meaning three times the malt is used in the brewing process) my expectation was a chocolate-dark color. Silly me; it's only a couple shades darker than Blahblahblah Light. The aroma is chalky pear, and circus taffy. The sweetness surprises, and while the balanced bitterness of the hops is present initially, it fades quickly to be follow by the aggressive alcohol pushing its way to the front of the line.

Pair this delicious, sweet, boozy brew with spicy chili for contrast and balance and you've got all the makings of a fun adventure worthy of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Indiana Jones is going to love the chili's heat and Marion will be enticed by the sweetness (but you'll recall she can handle her alcohol!)

Chili needs meat and lots of it. So put a pound of skirt steak and a pound of pork sausage in a big pot with 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil and brown the meat on medium high. Stir often. Drain most of the fat out and add a whole bunch of stuff: 4 or 5 Tablespoons minced garlic, one chopped onion, 2 chopped jalapeno peppers, 2 cans of crushed tomatoes, 1 can tomato sauce, a handful of chopped black olives, 2 stalks of chopped celery, one can pinto beans, one small can roasted chiles (chopped).

See, the cool thing about this is you can add a ton of stuff and make it any way you like it. Olives suck in your book, screw ‘em; want some red onion instead, toss it in. Notice I said 4 or 5 tablespoons of garlic. Not precise measurements, cuz it’s YOUR thing, not mine.

Moving on to some spices. Gotta have some of this good stuff in there and people freak out about this part, so I’ll be a little more exact, but feel free to screw around with it.

Add in 3 Tablespoons chili powder, 1 Tablespoon paprika, 1 Tablespoon cumin, 1 Tablespoon oregano, 1 bay leaf, salt and pepper to taste, oh yeah, and one can beer.

Turn the heat down to low and put the cover on. You want to simmer this stuff for a couple hours, so some back and stir it every once in a while. If you like your chili a little thicker, you can add a little corn meal (like a half teaspoon at a time) stir it around and check the thickness. I saw the corn meal trick on TV once. It actually works well.

You can serve the chili in big bowls with some chopped raw onion, grated cheese, sour cream, Tabasco sauce, all on the side. Lots of cold beer, too. Don’t forget the beer.

A Beer Review with a Recipe!

2011-11-29T20:31:00.000-06:00

It always amuses me when I ask my dad what he'd like to drink. His answer is usually "anything cold and wet" which is interesting because that's what a dog's nose is when the pup is healthy. Now, one would think beer drinkers need no help in tasting beer. If you are tapping a keg of Blahblahblah Light you probably don't even care. If it's like a dog's nose (cold, wet) then yup - it's good. But when pouring a craft beer, you deserve to experience more. Some thoughts then on tasting your next fine brew...

Pour beer into a clean glass. Debris and residue that you may not see can interfere with taste and can actually cause the beer to go flat prematurely.

Let the foam rise and settle just a bit. That's sexy. Now, just like sampling wine, put your nose in the glass and give it a good sniff. Likely you'll first notice the presence of hops imparting a floral, spicy, or citrus smell. The malt in the beer will come after, bringing grassy, grainy, or chocolate notes.

Now it's time to take a sip - let the beer sit in your mouth for a bit. You're checking the mouthfeel. Is it thick or light? Creamy or thin? You may even notice a metallic or silky feel. When you swallow, what do you pick up first? Sweet, sour, salty or bitter are good starts, but what else? Clove, honey, butterscotch, coffee, grass, leather?

Finally, how about the finish? Quick? Lingering? The length of the finish is an important quality of the whole beer delicious-osity.

Rogue's very popular Dead Guy Ale is a bold and balanced craft brew in the style of a German Maibock. The pour shows a big tan head with a cloudy, deep honey colored beer. The aroma is forward with floral notes and citrus from Rogue's Pacman Yeast and Saaz hops. A creamy, silky mouthfeel gets you started enjoying this beer with flavors of caramel and cocoa. What really sets this beer apart however is the balance of the hops and malt. It has a finish as long as a Baptist sermon. The bitterness of the hops lingers but is not overpowering. Do yourself a favor and serve this a little warmer than your typical beer. You will be rewarded with a hint of banana and clove in the finish that are lost at cooler temperatures.

Serve Rogue Dead Guy Ale with contrasting food to really wow your friends. Bring this beer to the party with Jalapeno Pie or spicy pork sandwiches.

Get a jar of whole jalapeno peppers. Chop the tops off so the tough stem isn’t there. Then slice the pepper lengthwise in half. Scrape the seeds out of the middle of each one so you don’t have a killer pie. Do not touch your face or any other sensitive part of your anatomy after handling jalapenos! Just saying…

Spray a shallow baking dish or a pie plate with cooking spray and place the sliced pepper halves in the bottom. Now beat a couple of eggs in a separate bowl and pour those over the jalapeno peppers. Sprinkle one cup of grated cheddar cheese over that. Want more, okay, go a little more. It’s your thing dude.

Bake that in the oven at 325 degrees for about 15 to 20 minutes. Let it cool and then cut it into wedges for serving.

Dinner In A Bowl

2011-10-24T20:25:00.001-05:00

IT'S DINNER! IN A BOWL!

Nothing will take you back to your childhood (or happy altered-state college days) like eating a meal out of a bowl. You can't help but smile a little thinking about being the first one to open up a new box of Fruity Pebbles and pouring that nice cold milk over those rainbow colored crispy bits of happiness. It is amazing however that kids these days have NO FREAKIN' IDEA who the Flintstones are - and yet they sell the crap outta that cereal.

Other GRRREAT!!!(pardon my Tony the Tiger) things come in bowls: ice-cream, chicken noodle soup,and chili just to name a few. Let's turn it up to 11 here and have Dinner In A Bowl!

One of the ideas we like at home is the burrito in a bowl concept which I BORROWED from a restaurant chain that rhymes with Chip-Oh-Tlay. But, check this out, you can change up the flavors and make it Mediterranean or Italian or Whateverian.

So typically you will have a starch like rice - well change it up amigo! Change it up! (But Doug, change is hard...) Yeah, I know, change is hard - dollar bills are soft. Which one do you like? Uh huh, thought so.

Burrito = rice, beans, meat, cheese, onions, etc.

Dinner in a bowl turned up to 11 = tater tots, grilled steak, blue cheese and red wine, mushrooms sauce.

Or how about couscous, shrimp, cucumber, tomatoes, with dill and white wine-dijon dressing.

I am so doing this!! And I am serving it to friends and they are going to love it and you will too! (Shit Doug, calm down now...) pant, pant, pant... okay Dude, sorry... calming down.

Hey, if you like this stuff, and you like chicks digging you (and who wouldn't?) subscribe to my blog! If you're the first new subscriber, send me an email and I will send you a free copy of the book. (I know, it's crazy how much I care about you! I'm getting all emotional...)