If the mere notion of a Reggie Bush/Kim Kardashian union makes you want to slice out your spleen, I can only imagine what body parts you’ll attack when you hear this: Kim Kardashian wants to have SIX mutha *bleep*in’ babies with that man!

I was floored when I discovered that a) she could count all the way up to six and b) we could one day see her stomach sticking out as far as her ass does.

“The tush” dropped the bombshell on her baby mama fantasies in an interview with Fox News at a VH1 Save the Music event. She also says she and Reggie will start talking seriously about a possible wedding after the football season. I now only have one question.  If this sick “six kids, Brady Bunch-esque” dream comes true, can I play the part of Alice and bang my boss? 

Something tells me there’s been a big misunderstanding between Roger Goodell and I. You see I tend to make the Falcons feel at home in the dome by flipping them “the bird”…you know, like their old QB used to do.

I’ve got a strange feeling Roger mistook my simple “hello” for something much more sinister because now he’s putting the smack down on gang signs in the NFL. In the words of Rerun, “Dang Rog…’What’s happening!!’”

The NFL has reportedly hired “gangologists™” to watch out for gang signs in touchdown celebrations. The bad news, there goes my shot at seeing Drew Brees pull off a thuggish “West-sigh-eed!” after a bullet pass to Colston. The good news, all shots of Jessica Simpson on the sidelines will now be replaced with shots of a pensive Suge Knight.

In Saints news, there’s guaranteed fresh meat for Pierre Thomas to send to the po-boy store as part of his rookie hazing ritual. The Saints just signed North Carolina State defensive Tackle Demario Pressley. The Honorable Mention “All ACC” player went in the 5th round of the draft. During his college years, he was praised for his strength and athleticism. But something tells me we’ll have to wait until training camp to see if this Pressley is truly “The King” or just another “hound dog”! (Yeah I know, cheesy. But “don’t be cruel!”) Okay, I’ll stop…but only if you “love me tender.” (Alright, even that one made me throw up in my mouth a little….)

Meanwhile, I decided to fish around on youtube for the latest Saints videos or highlight reels. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to come across a friend of the Chicks who’s apparently been quite busy this offseason teaching his ’stache to ‘talk trash’. And no, I’m not a Panthers fan who misspelled “stash.” I’m talking ’staches of the Burt Reynolds, Magnum P.I., or Rosie O’Donnell variety!

I could sit here and try to explain it to you…but just watch the video at Chef Who Dat’s site.

There you are, with all your stats and your forum posts and your fantasy football victories. You think you’re the second coming of Madden, don’t you? Bump that…you think you’re BETTER than Madden. In fact, they should name a video game after you..shouldn’t they? Well “Mr./Mrs. Know It All”…let’s see how well you do when the Chicks put you to the test…

(No cheating!!!)

1. Which of the following dudes is known as “The Father of American Football”?

a) Walter Camp

b) John W. Heisman

c) Pop Warner

d) John Madden

2. A football is made of…

a) Pig Skin

b) Stitched leather

c) Inflated rubber

d) Joan Rivers’ discarded skin

3. Which players wear numbers 20 to 40?

a) Quarterbacks

b) Running backs

c) Inmates Michael Vick and Rae Carruth

d) Linebackers

4. Which of the following does NOT automatically stop the clock in an NFL game…

a) A team timeout

b) A player runs out of bounds

c) When a team gets a first down

d) When a team scores a touchdown

5. How many officials are necessary to officiate an NFL game?

a) 3

b) 5

c) 7

d) 9

6. Which of the following is not a 5-yard penalty?

a) Batting a loose ball

b) Delay of game

c) Illegal motion

d) False Start

7. The tight end and the split end always line up on the same side

a) True

b) False

8. Which of the following are not members of the punt team?

a) Wings

b) Shanks

c) Ends

d) Snapper

9. The NFL was originally known as…

a) The Ohio League

b) The National Football Conference

c) The American Football League

d) The American Professional Football Association

10. Which two current teams started with the original league in 1920?

a) Chicago Bears and Philadelphia Eagles

b) Chicago Bears and New York Jets

c) Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers

d) Chicago Bears and Arizona Cardinals

11. The Willy Linebacker is also known as…

a) The linebacker who insists on pulling out his wee-wee at parties that makes everyone say “C’mon man…nobody wants to see that!”

b) The middle linebacker

c) The weakside linebacker

d) The linebacker behind the defensive lineman

12. Which team is credited with inventing the “zone blitz”?

a) The Bills

b) Those schmucks the Bucs

c) Notre Dame

d) The Steelers

13. Which of the following teams is NOT tied for the most Super Bowl wins…

a) Packers

b) Cowboys

c) Steelers

d) 49ers

14. When an offense is in the I-formation…who carries the ball?

a) The Quarterback

b) The Tailback

c) The Wide Receiver

d) T.O….cause for him, there’s always an “I” in team

15. Which of the following former Saints players is in the pro-football hall of fame?

a) Archie Manning

b) Tom Dempsey

c) Earl Campbell

d) Steve Walsh

So, have you turned to Wikipedia yet for your answers you cheating sons-a-……?

Well if you were too lazy to cheat, check out the answers below!

answers: 1) a 2) c 3) b 4) c 5) c 6) a 7) b 8.) b) 9) a 10) d 11) c 12) d) 13) a 14) b 15) c

12-15: Hall of Famers! (F Madden! There should be a curse named after you!)

8-11: Pros (I bet just the thought of that MNF jingle gives you wood!)

4-7: Rookies (Watch NFL Films much?)

1-3: Benched (Admit it. “I’m watching the Sunday Night game” is code for “Don’t call me during Desperate Housewives” right?)

And many more!!!!!

Can you believe we’re just weeks away from training camp and the first preseason game? (Are you still flacid? Really?) Well, how about the fact we’re just a couple months from the start of the regular season? Oh my…I’m getting all schweaty just thinkin about it!

While Clinton Portis is out looking for a new way to emasculate himself, we’re focusing our energies on the ultimate NFL fantasy…Fantasy Football wit da Chicks! That’s right…we’re draftin’ em, startin’ em’, sittin’ em, and somebody’s gonna win a fat wad of cash!

So, you want in? Let us know in the comment section and leave your email addy or email the chicks so we can make your GM fantasies come true! Dudes are more than welcome to sign up…so long as you don’t mind gettin’ your ass handed to you by a team called “Pretty Kitty Gum Drops.” Oh and if you’re sensitive to vulgar, crude, and obnoxious trash talk, I wouldn’t even bother.

The NFC may have my heart, but it’s not the only conference I’ve been keeping my eye on this offseason. After the jump, I break down some WTF moments from 2008 worth revisiting (and mocking.)

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – Derrick Martin and Ravens Marketing Vice President Gabrielle Dow

Ravens quarterbacks pass the ball. Ravens cornerbacks pass the dutchie…or last least one of them apparently does. CB Derrick Martin got busted trying to bring weed through, of all places…THE AIRPORT. I can’t even get a tube of my MAC lipgloss through security and this dude thought he could actually sneak in bud? Talk about “flying high.” And to make matters worse, Martin actually lied to Ravens’ personnel about the whole incident. Heads up folks: criminal records = public records. (Maybe they should add this lesson to the rookie symposium!)

In other Ravens news…the team is trying to train a pair of real ravens to fly out of the tunnels before the first game this season…clearly PETA isn’t impressed…scoop the details here.

Cincinnati Bengals – Chad Johnson

I got a question for my avid NFL fans: which WR duo would you rather have on your fantasy team: Chad Johnson and TJ Hous-your momma, or Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald? Need help the answer. Maybe this will sway you…

Cleveland Browns - Kellen Winslow

He’s crazy, talented, and for some reason, just rubs me the wrong way. Check him out in rare form.

Pittsburgh Steelers –Whoa…NO ONE?!

At first it appeared that the Steelers had stumped me. I couldn’t find anyone who deserved a trip to da bench! All I could find was a Steelers’ report on various players who have been on that off-season grind! Then I read that Hines Ward was voted brainiest offensive mind in the league…who would have thunk it!. And get this, instead of wilding out Matt Leinart style, Ward and several other Steelers have spent the last few weeks in Fla. straight training, even during the 4th y’all!

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Breaking News: Marshawn Lynch is a dummy. But his little run-in with the law isn’t why he’s on my hit list. It’s this photo right here…

Yikes!

Miami Dolphins – Jason Taylor

Let’s start things off with a dancing clip. (Dude really could have waited until he retired. I’m just sayin! ) In other news, former Miami LB Zach Thomas almost won a trip to da bench. Love the charity work dude (serious kudos) but should children be listening to Soulja Boy? I mean there’s just something about kids and “super soaking dem hoes” that doesn’t sit well with me.

[

New England Patriots

As if everything about this team didn’t already make me want to vomit…Randy Moss has apparently learned nothing from Carmelo Anthony & Rodney Harrison is a total shit bird.

New York Jets – Eric Mangini, L. Coles, Chad Pennington, and Ben Graham

It’s not from this offseason…but it’s just too cute not to share…

[

AFC West

Denver Broncos – Brandon Marshall

From domestic abuse (repeat offender), to DUIs, to the infamous McDonald’s wrapper incident, this dude deserves his own reality TV show. Of all of his off the field blunders, the latter situation proved just too much for me! Blaming Mickey D’s for childhood obesity, your fourth chin, and that sound your thighs make in nylon pants is one thing. But for causing your suspicious arm injury? That’s where I draw the line!

Oakland Raiders – Al Davis

Note to Al: Release Lamont Jordan ASAP! What’s the hold up? Let this man retire and fade into obscurity! (Can you tell I don’t like Lamont Jordan? Don’t worry I’ve got my reasons.)

During the summer after my first year at GWU, I worked at Love nightclub in Washington DC. One night, as Jordan and his hood-tourage were leaving, he points to me and whispers something to his bodyguard. As I’m getting into fight stance, his bodyguard walks up and says, “LaMont wants you for the night.” WTF?! Cost to get into Love, $20; cost to purchase a VIP table at Love, $5,000; my reaction…priceless! Needless to say, I got fired soon thereafter!

San Diego Chargers – Antonio Cromartie

HIGHLY offensive, obnoxious, and plain ridiculous off the field conduct gets you a one way ticket to da bench…. Get the scoop from the gossip girls.

Kansas City Chiefs – Director of Stadium Operations, Steve Schneider

The Chiefs are now banning excessive standing. Shouldn’t be a problem with the way their team’s been playing.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Marvin Harrison

Let’s play Law and Order….did Marvin do it??!! Read the case file here. Guilty or not guilty? You be the Judge!

Houston Texans – Mario Williams and Dre Johnson

Receiving credit you don’t deserve gets you a trip to da bench! The Houston Texans had not 1 but 2 players on CBS Sports’ top 50 NFLers of 2008. (Mario Williams (6th, and no I didn’t say 60th) and Andre Johnson (26th)). These two selections alone invalidate the entire list. Check out Osi Umenwhoever’s take on Williams’ selection. You can review the entire list here

Tennessee Titans – Owner Bud Adams

Ever wondered what a Care Bear and a Smurf’s child would look like? Well wonder no more! Bud Adams has made it official: the Titans will be changing uniforms for the upcoming season to…brace yourself…all powder blue! Read the fan reactions here.

Jacksonville Jaguars – I hate them, everyone to da bench!

I will never forgive them for releasing Byron Leftwich. That’s right Jack Del Rio, we’re not on speaking terms. From first round draft pick to first-rate disappointment….poor Left-nut. Keep ya yead up homie!!

Dear Brett,

I was sitting in Starbucks today working on a script for “Rocky 7: The Senior Slug-Out” and for some reason you came to mind. I thought about your storybook career, the childhood hero dreams you made come true, and the nearly fabled way you made the “critics and experts” bite their tongue on talk of you retiring after 2006. I thought about the emotional news conference you held earlier this year announcing your retirement and how it inspired me to reflect on your career and the contributions you made to the game. Then, I had another startling thought… “This mutha *bleep* could be getting back into the game!” And I gotta tell you Brett, it didn’t sit well with me.
You see it’s not that I think you suck or that I think you’re too old or that I’m afraid of you signing with a team in the NFC South (please don’t sign with a team in the NFC South…please don’t sign with a team in the NFC South.) What really makes me ansy is that there’s a good chance that pretty soon, no one will care what you do. You’ll go to some team, maybe have an okay year with them, maybe even make it to the playoffs, but unless you win another ring, you’re just another schmuck who didn’t know when to get out while the gettin’ was good. And I don’t want to think of you that way Brett. After all, you’re the man who first got a starting gig back in 1992 and has been starting for EVERY game ever since. You’re the guy who holds the record for the most career NFL touchdown passes (442), most career NFL passing yards (61,655), most career pass completions (5,377), most career pass attempts (8,758), and most career victories as a starting quarterback (160). I mean day-um!!!
If your comeback somehow amounts to mediocrity, your legacy suddenly runs the risk of becoming a punch line. Your next retirement announcement will amount to little more than a bad SNL skit (or maybe a really funny one, depending on who they get to play you. Maybe the guy who plays ‘Macgruber’ might be best at capturing your southern twang. Or perhaps Will Ferrell when he’s hosting. But I digress.) I don’t want that for you Brett. Call me selfish or sentimental but I enjoy the idea of you going out pseudo-on top.
So while I know you’re a grown man who can make up his own mind, allow me to make up your mind for you. Let it go!!!! Don’t piss off your faithful Green Bay flock by signing with a division rival. (Oh who am I kidding? I’d actually love to melt those Cheese-heads down to size.) How about this: don’t piss off me by continuing this saga.
Didn’t that Tommy Turner Tallywhacker scene in Porky’s teach all of us an important lesson about the dangers of not knowing when to let go? Don’t follow the example of other high profile stars who didn’t know when to let go of their first loves. Imagine what could have been if Whitney dumped Bobby before the crack …or if that Senator from Idaho let go of his gay bathroom stall fantasies before the undercover cop came in for a pee. Wouldn’t it behoove you to divorce yourself from the game of football before this ends in a bitter, Christie Brinkley-style throw down in court?
Maybe I’m wrong to want this Brett. Maybe I’m wrong to ask you to give up what you love. But I love you too much to sit idly by as you let your emotions get the best of your better judgment. Don’t do it Brett. (Or do it, whatever. I’m already starting to find you insignificant.)

Love Always,
Nola Chick

For Pierre Thomas, it’s Tracy Porter. For Marques Colston, it’s Sedrick Ellis. But for Nola Chick, the selection for most exciting/favorable Saints rookie hasn’t been easy. Sure Porter and Ellis are the easy choices, but what about our soon to be full-time kicker, Taylor Mehlhaff? And are there any sleeper studs out there, as in a Pierre Thomas of the rookie class, who will wow us all come regular season and make the Saints front office look like geniuses? (Or is it genii?)

So who’s the one to watch? Who’s the one to shake things up? And who’s the one who will be most deserving of a homemade Nola Chick t-shirt? Below we break down the potential studs, duds, toss-ups & sleepers of the Saints’ rooks.

Sedrick Ellis-Stud

The Good News: This defensive tackle from USC could do for the Saints what Mario Williams did for the Texans. It’s no wonder the Saints moved up in the draft to snag him. In his senior year, he racked up 12 tackles for a loss, 8.5 quarterback sacks, 7 deflected passes and 2 fumble recoveries.
The Better News: He’s shown consistent improvement each year at USC.
The Big Number: This dude can bench press 500 pounds. (That’s like 5 of me when I’m on the “Mary-Kate Olson” diet.)
The Scary Thought: There are major concerns he can hold his own against a physical blocker.

Tracy Porter, CB- Toss Up

The Good News- His 4.37 40 yard dash at the NFL Combine tied for the 10th fastest.
The Better News- If he can hold his own, he’s just what the Saints needed to plug up the holes in the secondary.
The Scary Thought- He achieved Aaron Brooks like success on his Wonderlic Test by tying the record low score. He scored a 4 people….a four.

Taylor Melhlaff, K- Stud

The Good News- He finished his career as Wisconsin’s second-leading scorer in school history with 295 points.
The Better News-He’s kinda hot and guaranteed to fill out that jersey a lot better than Grammatica.
The Scary Thought- While he demonstrated tons of accuracy in college, he didn’t show a lot of range. In other words, anything over 45 yards is definitely shart worthy.

Adrian Arrington, WR-Dud

The Good News: He made this one handed catch against Florida
The Better News- Nothing could be worse than what we got out of Meachem…right?
The Scary Thought-He only had one year as a starter in college and found himself in and out of trouble for his off-the-field behavior. (I’m sorry, waiter but I believe the other table ordered the Pacman Jones…)

Todd Blythe, WR-Sleeper

The Good News: He’s athletic, he’s got hands, and he’s got hops.
The Better News: He racked up 1,000 yards in his sophomore year and managed 8 touchdowns in his junior year despite missing 3 games due to an illness.
The Scary Thought- He’s not exactly a speed demon. He ran the 40 in 4.55.

Nate McManus, OL-Dud

The Good News- He’s strong and knows how to use his body
The Better News- He could give our boys a good run for their money on the practice squad
The Scary Thought- If our line doesn’t tighten up, he might just get some playing time.

So what’s your take, who did we miss, and where did we go wrong? Feel free to let it out…

When it comes to duking it out with fans of opposing teams, we chicks “talk the talk” in more ways than one! The blog war that started between CITH and Cat Crave, a Panthers website, has spilled on to the airwaves. I was recently invited to appear on a podcast hosted by Cat Crave founder John White, who honestly couldn’t be a nicer guy. (We’re not sure how his parents went wrong in such a way that would make him love the Panthers. But that’s something he and his therapist will have to work out.) At any rate, this Chick would like to think she held her own against those feisty felines. But don’t just take my word for it. Click on the link below and check me out for yourself. (Oh, and unfortunately you’ll have to listen to a few minutes of jibber jabber before they actually get to the highlight of the show, the interview with “moi.”)

Nola Chick Does Cat Crave

By the way, we’re betting Cat Crave the Saints sweep the Cats this season. If you have any ideas you’d like them to carry out for the bet, let us know. And don’t hold back on the humiliation factor!

If you think the NFL offseason is boring, then clearly you haven’t been paying attention. There are fighting rookies, retired quarterbacks who won’t go away, and one little lady who can definitely stand the heat in the Vikings’ kitchen? Need a little clarity? Not to worry…Desert Chick’s put all your juicy gossip in one fat-free post. I now present to you my “Offseason Wrap-up: The WTF Moments of the NFC”…after the jump.

NFC South
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – Reggie Bush

Reggie Bush got selected to speak at the rookie symposium about finances and, of all things…females? What reasonable dating decision has he made that would qualify him as an expert? Would it be the decision to court an amateur porn star turned reality TV queen? I mean c’mon, what kind of message does that send? To the ladies…”Make a slutty video and land the man of your dreams.” To the fellas, “Find the skankiest skank available and you’ve found true love!” Well how about this one, ”Practice celibacy like me and end up buying yourself dinner and flowers for your 25th birthday.” Do I sound bitter? I sure as hell hope so. Damn you Kiggie!

In case you need a Saint’s fix, check out this clip of a Saintly stud making jaws drop!

Carolina Panthers – The Fans!

Friendly rivalry or not, don’t challenge the Chicks to ANY form of contest. We win, all the time, hands down! Instead Panthers’ fans, why not spend your energies being a designated driver for Dwayne Jarrett.

Tampa Bay Bucs – ‘08 Rookie Class

Tampa Bay continues to put the FUN in DYSFUNCTIONAL!!! During the recent Rookie Symposium, two Tampa Bay draftees went “buck” stupid…on each other! Talk about taking the “class” out of rookie class. I thought the symposium was supposed to teach rooks how to act responsibly? Seems like these scurvy pirates need a reality check. Check the article out here….

Atlanta Falcons – Arthur Blank

WTF kind of rocks are you smoking??!! Franchise rebuild my arse!! Giving Matt Ryan that kinda money don’t make no sense! This little boy betta throw that ball like none other. For that kinda money, the ball better yelp down the field like Mike Vick when he drops the soap in front of a thick-necked lad who goes by the name of “Big Bertha.” And while we’re on the subject, when will these rooks learn no one cares about their opinion? Yeah Matt, we’re still talking to you.

NFC North
Chicago Bears – Cedric Benson

What the hell is wrong with this dude??!! So much for don’t bite the hand that feeds you…The Bears gave Benson chance after chance and he responded by taking a Grizzly sized dump right on their front office a.k.a another alcohol-related arrest. It’s all good though, especially since Matt Forte signed that $3.7 million, four year deal. In the words of Beyonce “partna let me up grade ya!” Scoop the details here, in the Chicago Tribune.

And for the ladies…peep some absolutely un-bearable sex appeal.

Detroit Lions – Matt Millen

How pathetic of this team to release Kevin Jones. That’s like kicking the sick kid outta day camp…it just ain’t right. Dude might have had a few injuries but he is still serviceable. I say, if you cut Jones then you got to cut Matt Millen…come on its just justice!

Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre

Poor, poor little Aaron Rodgers. I mean the dude just can’t catch a break….DANGIT! There is chatter that Brett Favre is rethinking his retirement. WTF is that ish about? Most disturbing interestingly, Favre’s mother and brother conducted separate interviews addressing Brett’s return! Supposedly, he wants to play but he felt unwanted in Green Bay. Boo hoo! Go sit down! Favre, report to the Fox pregame show, stat! Strahan is waiting for ya!

Minnesota Vikings – Geji McKinney

Who knew the man keeping the Vikings pumped up and fueled for game day…was really a woman?
What could be better than a man in a uniform? How about a hot piece in a nice suit?

NFC East
New York Giants –Espy Shmespy
The Giants received six nominations for this year’s ESPY awards: Best Upset (Giants-Patriots), Best Team, Best Game (Super Bowl XLII), Best Play (David Tyree’s Catch), Best Coach-Manager (Tom Coughlin), and Best NFL Player (Eli Manning). Enjoy the hype while it lasts. NY is going to be 2009’s biggest disappointment…I’ll put money on that!

Dallas Cowboys

It’s about that time…Hard Knocks on HBO and I got my popcorn ready! Terry Glenn, T.O., and Pac Man (freak that Adam bull crap) mixed with a dash of Jerry Jones, oh it’s about to be poppin like fried chicken grease!

F Da Eagles

The Eagles off-season acquisitions brought the whole team a get off the bench pass. Way to invest in your future. The question remains: does McNabb have anything other than Chunky Soup left in his tank!

Washington Redskins – Clinton Portis

Its official, I’m a Portis fan. “Off the grid is off the chain in 2008!” Dude’s appearance on NFL’s Total Access was truly “off the grid.” For those of you who missed it, peep it here.

Dude is ridiculous, you gotta check out the Chad Johnson phone call! And something tells me this clip is about to have someone’s talk-sports.net page POPPIN!

NFC West
ARIZONA CARDINALS

On the Card’s site you can enjoy an entire photo album dedicated to the off season travels of Larry Fitzgerald….*Warning, Warning* dude is NOT photogenic! In particular, there is something wrong with this photo. I just can’t quite put my hands on it. In other Cards news, recently released RB Najeh Davenport (formerly of the Steelers) expressed an interest in signing with the Cards…the Cards quickly replied, NOT interested!

Seattle Seahawks – Entire Franchise

Damn them for releasing Shaun Alexander….I got nothing else to say! Ok, ok if you’re at work and bored check out a funny clip from last year’s training camp…who knew Matt Hasselback had jokes, (Guess he’s gotta keep laughing to keep from killing sister-in-law Elisabeth Hback!)

San Francisco 49ers – Alex Smith

There’s a heated QB battle brewing in San Fran and former 1st overall pick Alex Smith might be falling out of hottie Mike Nolan’s favor. But this is not why Ole Al is headed to da bench. Home boy forgot to invite me here. (Scroll down and read Heather’s comment…scandal much?) While we’re gossiping, you might as well check out this one.

St. Louis Rams – Steven Jackson

As you all know (better know) I turn 25 on July 14th…I really don’t know how to feel about this! To be 25 and have no job and still living on your parent’s dime is RIDICULOUS…I get a law degree from a top 20 law school and I get nothing but debt. Stephen Jackson (who turns 25 on July 22, making him younger than me) runs up and down a field and gets millions….damnit, I wanna be a boy with skills to pay the bills!!! So yeah, Steven heads to the bench because I’m a hater…