I can certainly understand that, but for me it’s different. I need the ability to explore from time to time in order to get out of my own head and see the larger world around me. Traveling is a great way to do that, though it certainly isn’t the only way. There are plenty of other ways to get outside my own head without leaving town as well.

It does go to show, though, that there’s no “right” way to heal. We’re all individuals, we’ve all lived through different forms of abuse, and the things we need to do to heal ourselves will also be different. There’s no fool proof formula to overcoming abuse, we all have to find the right ways to do what we need to do for ourselves. That can be a struggle at times, but it’s what makes all of us special, we’re all unique and worth the effort!

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And my outrage, justified as it is, did no one any good.

I broke one of my own rules about staying mentally healthy. I let my life be affected by something I have no power over. So, i vowed to keep an eye on the news stories, and to try my best to not support anyone who is making excuses for him, or arguing that he shouldn’t have to face justice for what he did all those years ago, but I’m not going to waste my time arguing with people who want to go online and support his freedom. After all, anyone who could possibly dismiss the rape of a 13 year old girl isn’t really worth my time and effort, and isn’t going to suddenly see the error of their ways because of something I say.

So, I’ll keep my outrage and I’ll stay aware so that if there is anything I can do, I’ll be at the ready, but then I’ll go back to living my life. I can’t decide whether Roman Polanski will be extradited to face the State of California, but I can continue to do the work I do for survivors, and continue to live my life the best way I know how. That’s the road to mental health, not the one that focuses on my anger and outrage.

It’s troubling that so many are willing to ignore what he did to that girl all those years ago, but as survivors, are we really surprised? Haven’t we all seen example after example of people who want to do the same to our own pasts? How many people would like us to be quiet and just “get over it”. How may don’t want to believe that someone they know could do this? How many simply don’t believe you? Those people aren’t part of our healing, they should simply be left behind in their own ignorance. We’ve got more important work to do than argue with them.

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It’s a fear most people have, but it seems particularly acute among the survivors I’ve known in my life. On the other hand, as I’ve gotten older, I also realize that it’s somewhat ridiculous. People change, and not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. Sure, there are some that do, and if you happen to have a friend that remains close to you for years and years, you should cherish that. But most of them will come and go, swept in by the coincidence of time, place and interest, and swept out as any of those things change.

As I said, I was reminded of this last week, when an old friend of mine was in town and, with the help of his brother who lives here, managed to organize a sort of reunion of folks. Many in the group had graduated High School within a few years of each other, and in most cases, many were people I hadn’t really seen in years. It was great to see them, swap old stories, and get caught up on each others current lives. Then, after a few hours, I also remembered why it is that I don’t see these people more often. It’s not because of anything negative. They don’t annoy me, nor do I find them offensive in some way. I don’t at all, though I imagine there are some old acquaintances where that might be true.

No, these are perfectly good people, who don’t really have any common interests or day to day shared experiences with me any more. Yes, it was great to see them, and perhaps through the use of Facebook or other online communication tools we’ll do a better job of staying in touch, but we’ve all just sort of moved on with our lives. Some have physically moved away, some have focused their energy on raising their kids, others on being involved with a church, or their career, etc. For everyone in that room, I’m betting there’s a different reason why they’ve drifted away from many of the other folks who were there. It happens, and it’s not a bad thing. We make connections and form relationships with people as we go through our experiences with them. Sometimes, in order to go through life’s experiences, and share them with a new group of people who are going through them with us, we have to leave behind the people who aren’t sharing them with us. For example, couples who are raising their kids, gravitate toward other parents. They need to form relationships and support systems with the people who are sharing this experience with them. I’m not a parent. I’m not living the same lifestyle as someone who is. That doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with anyone who has children, but it’s one area of life where I can’t really relate. Some of the people I know, are going to leave me behind as they seek out relationships with other parents. Similarly, as I continue my work supporting abuse survivors, or building my career, I’m connecting with people who are doing the same things. Naturally, that means that I’m going to drift away from some friends who are not moving in that same direction.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or I am somehow abandoning them. It simply means that my energy is being used elsewhere at this time. All relationships require work, and we don’t have an unlimited supply of energy to put into that work. We have to pick and choose where we will invest our energy, and since life is full of change, the people we will share it with on a regular basis will change right along with it. Some relationships will go on and on, others will come and go. It’s all part of living life.

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On the other hand, I wasn’t prepared for everything that would mean. The first time someone I worked with found the site, and stopped by my office to talk ask about it, I was pretty freaked out. I simply hadn’t ever thought that I’d be having s discussion at work about being a survivor. In hindsight, I have no idea why I didn’t expect that even people I work with would find out about it, but it was a lesson learned.

If you’re going to start a blog, or even a Twitter account or Facebook page and openly talk about being a survivor, think about all the different people who are going to see that, and know that about you, and decide now whether you’re ok with that. In fact, think about who’s going to read it and whether you’re ok with that before you publish anything, let alone about being a survivor. If you’re not prepared for people you work with, or see in your offline life to see some things about you, don’t share them. Same thing in reverse, if there are things you don’t want random people who “know” you online to know about parts of your life, don’t share them.

As much as I share quite a bit compared to most people, there are things I keep private. I make constant decisions about what I want to write, and what I want to keep to myself. I also take great care to keep other people’s lives private and only share ideas in a general sense, or details that I’ve been given permission to write about. Hypothetically, if I’m having lunch with a friend or coworker and we talk about this site, and they share details of their own lives, I’m sure as heck not going to blog about how I had lunch with a fellow survivor today. Even though I didn’t name the person, there’d be enough details for people who know me to put it together. I have to be aware of things like that, and think about all of these things before I publish. That’s exactly the sort of thing that survivors later regret posting and cause all sorts of drama that we don’t need!

Sharing the details of your own abuse, and being a survivor, is intensely personal. For the folks who do this, anonymously or not, it’s a great way to help other survivors get a sense of community and support. Just make sure you’re up to whatever happens due to publicly sharing that part of yourself. There’s no reason to do more damage to your own healing just to get your story out. Do it when it’s safe for you to do, and even then, make constant decisions about what is safe for you, and what might not be.

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I admit that this site, and the Survivor Network, haven’t been the center of my attention for quite a while. I had to quit sending out the weekly updates to subscribers about activity on the site, because I’ve barely had enough time to look at it myself!

So, assuming things have started to calm down a bit, I should get back to having a few spare brain cycles to think about abuse issues, and that should lead to getting back to blogging, and following things on the network again. Maybe I’ll even get out some more email and twitter updates about the network. Wouldn’t that be a nice change!

On the other hand, I do find it somewhat difficult to get back into the survivor mindset. I’ve spent many years working on healing, and now it’s just not really a part of my day to day life anymore. Still, I’m sure I can manage to find something to say occasionally, so I’ll still be out here, doing my thing, and saying things when I have something to say. I hope you’ll stick around!

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Here’s to hoping I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and can get back to doing some regular posting around here again!

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This is the first time I’ve popped open my laptop since Thursday, after traveling for a family wedding, and even now I’m in Washington DC for the week to attend a conference for the day job, so I’ll have to find time to get over there an check out the post myself! Hopefully I’ll be able to do that, I know there’s always such great stuff in each carnival!

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Does Irish music not hold a deeper truth about life? That yes, it can be miserable at times, and we’ll have our share of suffering and pain, some of us more than others, but it can also be joyous, fun and full of love at the same time. There’s something to be said for a people who have suffered as much historically as the Irish, and yet continue to embrace and celebrate the good things in life. It’s a heritage I’ve come to embrace the last few years. Not just because it’s where I come from, but because it represents the hope I have for all survivors, that we’d have our pain and our suffering, and then come out the other side of healing and have plenty to celebrate. So, lift a pint, or whatever you fancy, and toast to the things that are worth celebrating in your own life!

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Blogging. It’s broken the aloneness. I’ve kept silent for so long. Afraid to tell the awful things that happened. Afraid to speak. So I write. Here I can say it.

I have said similar things many, many times here as well. Finding and connecting with fellow survivors made all the difference for me. Just knowing that I wasn’t alone was absolutely huge. I’m glad it’s been the same experience for Sarah!

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I actually liken it to a scene in Shawshank Redemption. After spending most of his life in prison, Red is finally paroled and finds it difficult to go to the restroom without asking permission. He makes a somewhat crude reference to not being able to physically go without a boss giving him permission. He’s simply been in prison so long that his body is trained that way.

Survivors making the choice to take care of themselves is a similar situation. So many of us have been conditioned to take care of others, to think of our own needs last, perhaps even that our needs don’t matter. It can be difficult to look after our needs first and foremost because we’ve been trained not to do that, and just like the reaction of the boss at the grocery store that Red works in after being released, it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. That’s because it’s perfectly normal to want to take care of ourselves.

Survivors need to remember that, and then we need to give ourselves permission to do what we need to do as human beings, take care of ourselves!

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