Every parent’s number one responsibility is to keep their child safe. Since pictures of missing children began to first appear on milk containers in the 1980’s, parents .have responded by teaching their children about “stranger danger.” Many children are instructed from a very early age not to talk to strangers. Yet the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC), whose photos of lost children appear on milk containers, believes that this message is both insufficient and counterproductive in keeping children safe. NCMEC and other child safety professionals do not support the message of “stranger danger” for the following reasons:

1. The vast majority of incidents involve children harmed or taken by someone they know well – a parent, step-parent, other relative, babysitter, or family friend. According to statistics collected by the U.S. Department of Justice, only about 100 cases a year nationally follow the injurious “stereotypical” abduction that the stranger danger message is meant to prevent. Telling children to not interact with strangers does not eliminate the cause of most of the harm.

2. Studies show that young children do not understand what a stranger is. When asked, they will identify a stranger as someone who is “mean” or “ugly.” A nice, attractive person is not seen as a stranger in their eyes.

3. Adults talk to strangers all the time – a salesperson, friendly person on the bus, a new neighbor. This makes “stranger danger” even more confusing for children.

4. Being afraid of all strangers creates unnecessary fear, and can contribute to nightmares, anxiety and unhappiness in children.

5. Nancy A. McBride, NCMEC National Safety Director, says that “When we tell children to ‘never talk to strangers,’ we have effectively eliminated a key source of help for them.” If a child really is in danger, they need to know how to engage strangers to assist them, be a police officer or other uniformed person, a shopkeeper or neighbor.

What are other messages that parents can give their children that will keep them even safer? Here are a few ideas:

1. Some parents tell their children not to go anywhere with someone they don’t know. This more accurately addresses safety concerns, and is easier to follow than the “no talking” rule.

2. Children can be empowered with safety skills so that they will learn what to do in a dangerous situation. They can be taught to approach a person in a uniform, such as a police officer or firefighter, when they feel that someone is bothering them. They can also speak to store clerks, other parents, or other people who are available to help them.

3. Children’s Eye Media, a British educational organization, has a campaign, “Safer Strangers, Safer Buildings.” Children are encouraged to think about who they would approach if they were lost and in trouble, as well as what buildings to enter, such as a store or library, where they might get help.

The key is to have a dialogue with your child that builds their sense of competence and awareness. Children at different ages will learn to cope with different scenarios. For example, a young child can be taught to stay where there are if they are lost in a store, and wait for their parent to find them. An elementary school child can be encouraged to know their parents cell phone number, and know how to get help in placing a call. A middle or high school child who takes a bus or walks home from school can learn to get help from a shopkeeper or neighbor if they think someone is following them.

By coming up with age-appropriate messages that are tailor-made to the specific child and the situations they may face, parents can provide their children with tools that can keep them safe.

Resources:

Child’s Eye Media

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, NISMART-2, October 2002. National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview

Posted by Reena Bernards, LCMFT

A recent article from about.com revealed that over 50% of Americans vowed to appreciate loved ones and spend more time family and friends in 2012. If the truth is told, many of us are included in this number but have no clue how to realistically make this happen in our daily lives. Below are a few strategies for creating quality family time with your family this year.

1) EDIT

When life is too busy for quality family time, maybe it’s too busy? A great first step to spending quality time with your family is to evaluate your life as it is. What commitments and activities are consuming your family’s time? Make a list of all of your family’s activities/commitments (e.g. Work, School, Home, Family/Kids, Hobbies, Recreation, Civic, Religious, Online/Social Media) and the amount of time they consume daily and weekly. Examine each listed item one-by-one. Ask yourself: How necessary is this commitment? How much value does this commitment bring to my life/my family’s life? What does involvement with this activity help my family to achieve? Which commitments yield the greatest return investment for the well being of family members? Which yield the least return on the investment of your family’s time? Start with the commitments that yield the least return and select one that you are willing to temporarily remove. Set a trial period of 3-weeks and see how life is without that activity. After the 3-week-trial period, reevaluate to determine whether this activity can remain removed for the next 6 months. Revisit your list and see if there is another activity that you can remove and repeat the process—stop the activity for 3-weeks, reassess, continue without the activity, and see if you can edit more from your list. This will help you to prioritize your family’s commitments and let go of ones that are of least benefit.

2) PROTECT

Now that you’ve freed up some time on your family’s calendar, protect it! Often times we try to fit in family time around our other commitments like those listed above. We mark time on our calendars for work, school, civic, and other commitments first and then search for opportunities to squeeze in family time. For the next month, make scheduling family time a priority. Identify the times when all or most family members are available and block off that time on each member’s schedule as sacred time to spend together. Protect it like you would protect the time you’ve committed to work. This may mean turning down offers to do other activities in order to spend quality time with your family. While saying “no” to other commitments that interfere with family time may seem hard to do in the moment, you may later find that the hours you protected for quality time with family were worth the effort. If saying “no” to other commitments feels really challenging, remind yourself of how you answered the million-dollar question: How do I want to spend the remaining days of 2012 with my family?

3) PLAN

Many of us value spontaneity. When we get the opportunity to be spontaneous, we revel it. However, when it comes to establishing the regular practice of spending quality family time together, a little planning can go a long way. Here’s where it gets fun. Have each family member make a list of the things they would like to do as a family. I suggest your list include “in-house” activities and “on-the-town” activities. The “in-house” activities are things you can do in the convenience of your home! If possible, try to make sure these are activities where family members can be together in the same room and interact with each other. Remember, the goal is to share quality time with one another. Get everyone on board and involved with planning. Allow children who are old enough to offer assistance to help coordinate “in-house” activities. If possible, have adults in the family take turns planning so that arranging this cherished time does not become a burden to any one person. The “on-the-town” activities are special activities that your family can do locally but might also include family trips. As a starting goal, try to select one “in-house” and one “on-the-town” activity for your family to do each month. If resources do not permit a monthly “on-the-town” activity, no worries! Enjoy another “in-house” activity with your family.

4) BE PRESENT & ENJOY

You’ve done all the hard work. You’ve edited your commitments, you’ve protected time on your family’s calendar, and you’ve planned “in-house” and “on-the-town” activities. Now, your job is simply to show up, be fully present, and ENJOY! Be sure that the days/times protected for family time are clearly communicated to all family members. As the time approaches, give reminders to excite family members and ensure they’re present. Once everyone is there, unplug! This is especially important for your “in-house” activities. With few exceptions, have all family members turn off cell phones, iPads, iTouches, laptops, and any other tech gadget that is not a purposeful part of the planned family activity. This will allow each family member to focus attention on one another. It will help family members feel appreciated, heard, and valued, and it will support the goal of not only spending more quantity time with your family, but quality time with your family.

This approach is not a “one-size-fits-all” method for achieving the goal of spending family time together. Each family will have its unique strengths and challenges in establishing both quantity and quality time with one another. Some families will find editing, protecting, planning, and being present easier to accomplish than others. If your family gets stuck in achieving this goal, a trusted family therapist can offer encouragement and guidance in supporting your family’s efforts to connect in the New Year.

References:

http://pittsburgh.about.com/od/holidays/tp/resolutions.htm

http://zenhabits.net/edit-your-life-part-1-commitments/

-Posted by Jocelyn Smith

The first six months of parenting a new baby are a challenging time, especially for first-time parents. New parents struggle with a changing family dynamic, the responsibility of getting to know their new baby, and balancing feeding, sleeping, and other care needs. Parents welcoming a subsequent baby into the family share these same challenges, but must also balance the needs of their newborn against the needs of their older children. Sleep (or the lack thereof) is a critical factor for parents as they embark on parenting their new baby.

Sleep is a Learned Skill

It may be stating the obvious, but sleep is a learned skill. While newborns instinctively know how to sleep from the moment they are born, sleep patterns (differentiating between day and night sleep, napping, putting one’s self to sleep) are all skills that develop over time. Part of the skill is neurological – over the course of infancy, our brains change and develop, and sleep begins to organize: first night sleep, then the morning nap, and then finally the afternoon nap. By the time a newborn is six months old, his/her pattern of sleep cycles is largely the same as an adult’s. Part of the skill of sleeping is also behavioral, and incorporates the ability to self-soothe. Ultimately, as a parent it is our responsibility to teach our children the behavioral components to sleep as they become neurologically ready to master those tasks. Every child should learn to put him/herself to sleep without a “sleep crutch” – a negative sleep association that requires something to be done either to or for them to fall asleep. Luckily, this is not a skill we expect our children to master overnight.

The first step to developing good sleep habits is to have a sleep plan. Before baby arrives, talk to your spouse/significant other about your sleep goals – do you want your baby co-sleeping in your bedroom, sharing your bed, or sleeping in is/her own room? How long and what is your timeline for achieving your goals? Any option can work for a family, but if you become an “unintentional” bed-sharer, you (or your spouse/significant other) may grow to resent your baby’s presence in the bed.

The Fourth Trimester

The first night or two of life, newborns often seem “perfect” – they sleep all night, and just wake to feed. The third or fourth nights can be a different story, which often coincides with coming home from the hospital! This may create a sense of panic in many new parents, because parents do not want to see their baby in distress. Try not to worry…it is likely just a short-lived case of the baby fussies, and as parents and baby get to know each other better (and baby’s natural clock kicks in), nighttime should become easier again.

Many baby experts, including Dr. Harvey Karp, Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at USC School of Medicine, consider the first three months of newborn life the “fourth trimester.” This is the time that babies need to transition from life in the womb where every need is met and they are in an optimal environment to life outside the womb where they need to develop a new set of skills. What can parents do to help soothe their babies during the “fourth trimester?” One tip is to practice Dr. Harvey Karp’s 5 S’s to help soothe your baby when upset: swaddling, stomach/side hold, shushing, swinging, and sucking. Ultimately, the notion of the fourth trimester boils down to one simple fact…you cannot spoil a newborn! Those first weeks and months are all about responding to a newborn’s needs and making them feel loved and secure. But how do we do this and still help our newborns develop healthy sleep habits?

Building Healthy Sleep Habits

The key to helping new babies sleep well is to be mindful of their sleep requirements. An over-tired baby is a cranky baby, and it is difficult to soothe a cranky, over-tired baby to sleep. Instead, the best approach is to avoid letting a baby become over-tired. With babies, consistency matters…work on developing flexible but predictable routines around eat and sleep for your baby over the early weeks and months.

Right around 4 weeks of age, babies start to “wake-up” during the day – this is when it becomes important that they do not become over-tired. According to Dr. Marc Weissbluth, author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, most newborns should not be awake longer than 60-90 minutes at a time for the first few months. It is a good idea to watch the clock and start putting a newborn down to sleep (in a crib, in a swing, in a parent’s arms, in a car seat, in a stroller…whatever works!) within 90 minutes after each waking all day. This process will help lay the foundation for excellent sleep habits by helping babies recognize when they need to sleep (and helping parents begin to recognize their baby’s sometimes subtle sleepy cues).

Nursing moms should look for other ways to soothe their baby in addition to nursing, especially after the first 6 weeks. By 6 weeks, parents should start working on putting baby to sleep drowsy but awake – falling asleep without a bottle or breast in their mouth. This can be a gentle process over time, and a calming and predictable bedtime routine is a key component to help a baby recognize it is time for bed.

Initially, newborns prefer a later bedtime (around 10-11 pm), but once baby starts to get older and sleep at least 8 hours at night (usually by 4-5 months of age), bedtime should move earlier (8:00 – 8:30). Parents should not expect to see a regular nap routine during the newborn phase – many babies do not consolidate into three regular naps a day until they are 6-8 months old! Until then, parents should watch those awake windows and sleepy cues (slowed activity, increased fussiness, rubbing eyes or face, needing to be held) to make sure their babies are getting sufficient daytime sleep.
Parents may also explore a variety of tools to help calm and soothe a baby to sleep during the early weeks…a bouncy seat, using strange voices, a quiet song, a swing, even the car. Many parents find babywearing an invaluable tool – it allows for closeness and bonding with baby, but it also leaves hands free to engage in other activities. Sometimes, a baby will hate a tool the first time or two, but could grow to love it later. The lesson is to try, try again…we never know when s/he may start to love something new!

Creating a Healthy Environment for Sleep

Most experts recommend that babies sleep in a clean, quiet, dark room that is temperature controlled (ideally between 65-70 degrees). A baby’s crib should be free from any hazards such as loose blankets or bedding and pillows, and monitor wires, strings from window coverings, and toys/stuffed animals that could constitute choke or strangulation hazards should be kept out of reach. Back sleeping is best for prevention against Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Because babies do not sleep as deeply on their backs due to the startle reflex, swaddling babies calms the startle reflex and helps promote good sleep habits. White noise (such as a ceiling fan or from a noise machine) can help drown out household noises and limit sleep disruptions.

Parents should also take steps to help baby differentiate between night and day. During daytime hours, expose baby to natural light and room lights. At nighttime, prepare a quiet, dark environment for your baby. Parents should limit infants’ exposure to television at nighttime, and consider getting room darkening shades to help keep the light out in the early morning and during nap time. Parents should treat nighttime feedings/wakings in a “business-like” manner – keep it quiet, dark, and about the feeding, not playtime. Additionally, babies need morning rituals to help differentiate between nighttime and daytime (a good morning song, opening the blinds, etc.)

Medical Issues and Infant Sleep

Sometimes, despite a parent’s best efforts, a baby just will not sleep. Before you throw in the towel and think “my baby just does not need as much sleep as other babies” or “perhaps if I quit breast feeding and just gave him/her formula,” consider whether there are medical causes for your baby’s sleep challenges. There are many medical reasons that may cause a baby to be awake and unhappy. Reflux is one key culprit. In the past, many doctors diagnosed unhappy babies who cried inconsolably for long periods of time with “colic.” Newer information is actually showing that these babies may be suffering from reflux. Reflux can present in many different ways. Some babies spit up all the time, and some babies will scream inconsolably for hours and hours at a time, particularly at nighttime or after prolonged periods of laying flat. Some babies simply refuse to lay flat on their backs. Other symptoms may include: excessive hiccupping, choking/gasping/gagging sounds, frequent night wakings, constant congestion, gassiness, refusal to eat, or desire to continuously nurse or eat (the milk is soothing and neutralizes the stomach acid). If a parent suspects reflux, talk to a pediatrician! Simple tips such as feeding baby in an upright position, keeping baby upright for 15-30 minutes following a feed, feed smaller amounts more often, burp frequently, and elevate baby’s head when sleeping (like on a bouncy seat or a newborn napper) may provide relief. A pediatrician may suggest trying an over the counter or a prescription medication. Other common medical causes for sleep disturbances during the first six months may include food sensitivities, poor latch, gassiness due to bottle, low breastmilk supply, and sickness.

Post Partum Depression

Another key issue for new moms is post partum depression (PPD). Nearly all moms suffer from a bit of the baby blues, but if it is overwhelming or continuing for longer than two weeks, mom may be suffering from PPD. If a mom is emotionally unavailable, her baby can sense that – it can be harder to soothe a baby and meet his/her needs when mom is overwhelmed and struggling. That, in turn, plays a part in whether a baby is sleeping well. New moms should familiarize themselves (and their partners) with the signs and symptoms of PPD, and should not be afraid to ask for help! There are many remedies, both natural and medical, that can quickly help you feel like yourself again. For more information about PPD, check out Dr. Shosh.

Balancing and meeting parental needs, both sleep and otherwise, are critical in the early weeks of parenthood. Parents need to make sure to take care of themselves…sleep when baby sleeps, eat, and make time for just YOU – even if it is just to escape for a brief period here and there. Stay at home parents should remember that even though they have taken on the job of raising their child, that does not mean they are not entitled to some personal time!
Breastfeeding

It is a myth that formula-fed babies will sleep better than breastfed babies, and giving baby rice cereal at an early age has not been shown to increase the length or quality of sleep. Newborns will wake to eat every 2-3 hours. For some parents, feeding is quick and easy, but other parents find feedings take a very long time. It is not just the length of a feeding (although some babies are very slow nursers and can nurse 30-45 minutes or more each feeding) – some breastfeeding moms struggle with getting their baby to latch and stay latched, and the overnight feedings can be particularly frustrating. Most feedings involve a diaper change, and for moms who have to pump, the process of getting up, preparing the pump, pumping milk, and feeding a baby can also take a long time. In fact, it can seem like all you do is feed your baby. Parents who formula feed often find it easy to share responsibility for nighttime feedings, but it can be tougher for the breastfeeding mom to figure out how to share that load. It takes at least 2-4 weeks to establish a healthy milk supply, and nursing moms really should try and nurse or pump every 3 hours around the clock until supply is established. Nevertheless, your spouse/significant other can still help by waking up/fetching the baby, changing baby’s diaper after feeding, re-swaddling and soothing baby back to sleep. For moms who pump, your partner can feed baby the breast milk when you are finished. But remember, if mom is just exhausted and needs a break, it really is okay to take it.

Conclusion

So, for all of the new and expectant parents out there, know that good sleep habits do not happen immediately, but they are slowly shaped and developed over time. You will sleep again! Newborns generally wake every 2-3 hours around the clock to eat the first few weeks of life, but many newborns begin to give 3-4 hour stretches between weeks 2-4. By week 8, most babies can go at least 1 4-6 hour stretch without feeding at night (and many will go longer). By week 12, most babies can do at least a 6-8 hour stretch at night without eating. By 4 months, most babies can sleep 8 hours or more without eating, and 10-11 hours by 5 months. Remember – these are guidelines for healthy, full-term babies, so always check with a pediatrician about a specific baby’s needs.

Many expectant parents wonder how they will function with so little sleep. The truth is, you just do it. You try to sleep when baby is sleeping, you forgive yourself when you fail to keep a clean house, and you remember to eat and take care of you. Having strong family support and a good partner throughout the process makes it easier and better.

-Posted by Jessica Brodey

Jessica can be reached at: jessica@eat-sleep-love.com, or (202) 276-7308

The kind of play I am talking about is what Bruno Bettelheim describes as, “activities characterized by freedom from all but personally imposed rules (which are changed at will), by free-wheeling fantasy involvement, and by the absence of any goals outside the activity itself.” This is different from games, Bettelheim goes on to say, which are, “usually competitive and are characterized by agreed-upon, often externally imposed, rules, by a requirement to use the implements of the activity in the manner for which they are intended and not as fancy suggests, and frequently by a goal or purpose outside of the activity, such as winning the game.”

BENEFITS OF PLAY

We all know that play is fun, but aren’t kids just wasting time when they’re rough-housing around instead of practicing spelling words, piano, or tae kwon do moves? Well, actually not. If you think about it, the human species evolved without formal education or traveling sports teams. On a survival of the fittest planet, play was where children acquired the functioning and skills that enabled them to problem-solve, cooperate, build human relationships, make sense of the world, and in other ways become “fit.” These skills have not gone out of style simply because we have more sophisticated tools (computers instead of spears) at our disposal.

Using those sophisticated tools, considerable scientific research has been done on play. Some of the benefits that have been identified are:

Physical – Play burns up calories and builds both a strong mind and a strong body. In the large muscle/ gross motor arena, child at play may crawl, walk, run, reach, climb, jump, bend, throw, catch, balance, rotate, and so on. In terms of dexterity and fine motor skills, play often involves handling and manipulating objects and tools.

Social – Most play is highly social and both teaches and requires that children learn to cooperate, negotiate, take turns, share, play by the rules, and follow directions.

Cognitive – Neurological studies have shown that play stimulates brain development, increases exploratory learning, and strengthens memory. Play is an excellent laboratory for problem solving, decision-making, learning about cause and effect, about “what if’s”, about spatial relationships, and more. We all learn much more readily when the process is fun.

Emotional – Children learn about feelings, including how to process them, how to manage and express them, how to understanding the feelings of others, and how to feel and show empathy.

Language – Play is rarely silent for any length of time. Children are testing out sounds and words. A child alone may be narrating his own activities. Children together are learning about and practicing speaking, listening, and conversation skills.

Executive Function – Children at play are highly motivated to learn perseverance, resist impulses, work on self-regulation of emotions and behaviors, and exert self-control and self-discipline in order to accomplish the tasks they set for themselves and to successfully engage with the other players. They are practicing their EF skills on their own initiative without even realizing it.

Creativity and Imagination – An essential element of play is the creative brain, as seen in pretend play and fantasy. We don’t have to teach a child at play to “think outside the box,” they are already doing that instinctively. Daydreams and a rich inner life are often the seeds for goals and passions later in life. The challenge is keeping the creativity vibrant through adulthood.

Resilience – Play helps children use their imagination to handle adversities such as stress, loss, or illness. The child can mentally be somewhere else when things are too big to handle, they can envision and practice real ways to address tough problems, and they can keep important memories alive—all through play.

TYPES OF PLAY

There is no one way to play. Some play is sheer pleasure in the moment (swinging on a swing). Some, such as playing mommy, is a rehearsal for later life. Play can also be a way of processing what is going on for the child, such as daytime battles against monsters that hide under the bed at night. Play can also involve mastering skills, such as jumping on a pogo stick for hours on a summer afternoon.

Another way to look at play is through the type of activity or pattern of play, rather than through the purpose of it. The choice of activity is determined in part by where the child is developmentally, their unique “play personality,” their temperament and interests, and who or what is around.

The simplest play pattern, called attunement play, can be between parent and infant when they are looking into each other’s eyes and connecting. Young children also do body play, in which the child explores body movements, and sounds. Picture a preschooler twirling, running, bouncing, hooting and hollering.

We tend to think of play as being synonymous with toys, but this is a modern phenomenon. For most of human history, play was more about activity than object. Nonetheless, we have always played with things. Object play begins with simple curiosity about an object (a baby putting a toy in her mouth) and evolves into increasingly complex manipulations of things, like a high schooler designing a morning alarm clock system that involves all the electronic devices in the house, even though there is a perfectly good clock in his room.

Social play goes from parallel play to romping together to complex rituals and interactions. It can include the above types of play as well as more cerebral, less physical activities, such as those listed below.

Play can allow us to transcend the reality of our lives. In story telling play children can dally in the realms of their subconscious, conquer their fears, or experience all kinds of vicarious enjoyments as they are the heroes and villains of their stories. In creative play not even the sky is the limit. Sometimes children even grow up to make their fantasies a reality. Perhaps the kids who pretended to fly to the moon in that old cardboard box grew up to create the Apollo spacecraft that actually took men there.

Everyone benefits in child-parent play. Parents and children learn to communicate effectively with each other under enjoyable circumstances, which is useful for when you need to communicate in less than happy moments. Children learn that they are important to their parents and get to experience parental love and attention. Parents are reminded how to have fun and to be in the moment. Parents also learn what interests the child and what challenges they are struggling with (such as when the child asks the parent to pretend to be the student, while the child acts the role of the demanding teacher). The parent-child relationship is strengthened through the pleasure of sharing time together, no matter what type of play it is.

Family Play should be a regular part of family life. It can happen in the car when driving together and telling stories, in the park when running around together, or at home when building forts out of chairs and blankets. It is more a question of being open to and intentional about opportunities to play together rather than planning complicated activities or lessons.

RECOMMENDATIONS

-Children need unstructured, child-led playtime to be creative, to decompress, to socialize, and to reflect. Make this a priority instead of simply what happens when nothing else is scheduled. Regularly turn off electronic media and other passive entertainment and tell kids to go outside and play. While parents can and should monitor for real safety concerns, they should not direct the play.

-Provide opportunities for children to have free-play time with other kids. This is increasingly important as even recess is being restructured in schools. Preschoolers can be introduced to unstructured playgroups where they will begin to move from parallel play to cooperative play.

-Provide children with toys that can be played with in an infinite variety of ways and thus allow children to use their imaginations fully. Commercial toys that have prescribed uses tend to limit rather than expand thinking and creativity.
Don’t rush to keep your child occupied. “I’m bored” is a good starting point; they will begin to learn to find ways to entertain themselves.

-In child-parent play, parents should take their cues from the play expert, your child, and not treat the time as an opportunity to educate or preach. You may think that the Parker Brothers’ rules are the only way to play Monopoly, but he may have a different, and perhaps much better, idea.

-Sports teams, extra-curricular activities and enrichment opportunities are also important. There is no magic formula for determining the balance of these adult-directed activities with unstructured, child-led play. It depends on the needs, interests, and temperament of the individual child, as well the family situation. Take the child’s wishes into account to the extent possible. Also watch your child for signs of stress, somatic illness, anxiety or depression. If you are seeing these, try increasing their play time and providing more play opportunities with other children.

Perhaps the best gift you can give your child is the opportunity for simple, joyful play.

–Posted by Annie Scheiner

The manner in which couples conduct their separation has a large impact on the family’s ability to reorganize successfully. Chaotic, contentious divorces usually presage poor future communication between ex-spouses; discipline and order suffer, making children more vulnerable to emotional and behavioral difficulties. When divorce processes are rational and orderly, parents are usually better able to co-parent effectively, discipline and structure tends to be maintained, children adapt more smoothly, and all family members have a better chance at successfully facing the next stages of their lives.

A critical determinant of a couples’ ability to separate in a healthy manner is their choice of a legal process that best meets the family’s needs. The utility of a process for a given family depends on circumstances such as the complexity of the issues involved, the financial means of the couple, and the level of trust and problem-solving abilities of the separating partners.

The following descriptions of processes for separation and divorce are adapted from a presentation made in November 2011 by Sue Soler and Karen Freed, two clinical social workers from Montgomery County, Maryland who have extensive experience helping separating and divorcing couples to craft individual solutions for their families:

1) The Kitchen-Table Divorce
In this process, the parties negotiate directly to resolve both the parenting and financial issues. The spouses may or may not consult with one or more attorneys to review a final document, and then file their agreement with the court. This process can work if both parties already communicate well, are willing to be flexible, and have good problem-solving abilities. It is also important that the spouses have an equal level of fairly sophisticated legal knowledge. If these characteristics are lacking in one or either individual, if there is a power imbalance, or if one or more issues are too contentious, it is usually advisable to use a process that includes the assistance of professionals. When this option works well, it can be both inexpensive and relatively expeditious.

2) Mediation
In this confidential process, a trained professional (usually with a background in law or mental health) guides a couple in communicating about issues related to their settlement agreement, including parenting and financial matters. The parties are advised to consult with their individual attorneys throughout the process. The mediator will then help the couple draft an agreement, which can be filed by an attorney. Mediation is most appropriate for couples who have no major power imbalances or overly contentious issues, and are committed to coming to agreement in a low-conflict fashion. Mediation can be relatively inexpensive and efficient, and can also help ex-spouses improve their communication, to the benefit of the future co-parenting relationship.

3) Consultation
As in mediation, when parties enter consultation they meet confidentially with a professional who helps them to communicate about issues related to their settlement. A consultant may also offer substantive advice on issues such as the appropriateness of parenting plans or the practicality of financial arrangements. Parties may go to different consultants (such as accountants or mental health professionals) for different concerns; generally speaking, attorneys do not act as consultants because they cannot ethically advise two opposing parties. Throughout the process it is important that each partner confers with their respective attorneys, who can also file the agreement with the court. This process is useful for couples who need more guidance on particular issues than mediation provides. The cost of consultation is usually not onerous, and the process is nearly always briefer than litigation.

4) Attorney-Negotiated Agreements
In this process, each spouse retains an attorney, who may provide legal advice on any issues related to the separation, including division of property, financial support for spouses, and custody. The attorneys then communicate with each other (attorneys sometimes advise against communicating with the other party), and file a Settlement Agreement with the court. This process is appropriate for couples who want more legal support and guidance than they would receive in the above processes, but who are still committed to agreeing in a low-conflict fashion and do not have major differences which they wish to contest. This option can be fairly inexpensive and efficient. As long as the attorneys file no motions with the courts, the process is confidential. The process has drawbacks; the couple loses an opportunity to work things out without the assistance of professionals, and because the attorneys’ primary function is to advocate for their client, the agreement may not be one that is optimal for the entire family. Finally, it runs the risk of escalating into costly litigation.

5) Litigation
In litigation both parties contest one or more issues through the courts, usually with the assistance of attorneys. This process can be necessary when one or both partners are abusive or unreasonable in their demands, or the parties cannot resolve one or more issues via negotiation. Harmful unintended consequences of the litigation process can be severe; aggressive legal actions can lead to reactions, generating greater costs, a prolonged process, and potentially a high degree of disorder. As attorneys focus on zealous advocacy, the needs of the whole family may recede into the background. High-conflict litigation often presages a contentious co-parenting relationship, resulting in a lack of discipline and order. In addition, litigated settlements often lead to more litigation in future years. For all its pitfalls, if one or both of the parties is mindful of the effect of the divorce process on the family, litigation can be contained, and may settle issues not resolvable by other means.

6) Collaborative Divorce
In this non-adversarial process, conducted outside of the court system, both parties begin by agreeing that they intend to avoid litigation, and that they will not use any information gained from the collaborative process if they do so. The parties and their respective attorneys then conduct face to face meetings in an effort to reach an agreement. Other professionals may advise on a variety of concerns, such as financial planning or child development. Each client may also choose to have a “divorce coach” who helps support and guide them through the process. This process is most useful for couples who have a number of differences, but who wish to avoid litigation and develop their ability to co-parent. The advantages of collaborative divorce are several, including confidentiality and the opportunity to obtain substantial guidance and support. Complex collaborative divorces can be costly, though usually much less so than litigation.

7) Hybrid Models
As the options for separation and divorce grow, some couples are now seeking out the services that meet their circumstances rather than opting for particular “models”. Even in the midst of litigation, some individuals make use of child development specialists so that they can advise their attorneys as to what parenting plans to propose; couples using any process may utilize divorce coaches to help them cope.

Finding what works

No one process is best for every couple. Low-conflict couples who are knowledgeable about the legal process may be able to divorce at a “kitchen-table”, while others may benefit from the guidance of a mediator or consultant. Couples who have minor differences may successfully make use of the guidance of lawyers via attorney-negotiated agreements, while clients who wish to save their families from the cost and heartbreak of difficult litigation, and develop their co-parenting skills in the process, may be able to make use of collaborative divorce. Even when litigation is necessary, coaches or consultants can help contain the process. Whatever option a couple chooses, if they enter divorce with the knowledge that they are not just “fighting over the spoils”, but laying the foundation for the next stage of their family, they can help themselves and their children adapt to the loss and to chart a course for a brighter future.

Posted by Jonah Green

The holidays can be a stressful time for any parent but what happens when each parent observes a different religion? This year, Chanukah and Christmas overlap thereby adding an extra challenge for interfaith parents. Is there a way to balance two religious traditions in one home? The answer is a resounding yes, if you take a thoughtful team approach to the holiday season. Below are some suggestions for celebrating the interfaith way:

1. Make a date ahead of time to talk with your partner about your vision for the holidays. Starting early reduces tension and sets the stage for approaching the season as a team.

2. Be open to learning about each other’s religious backgrounds. Read or talk about the meaning and the history of your partner’s holiday along with the symbols and rituals that accompany it. If you have a visceral reaction such as a strong aversion to Christmas trees, try to examine this yourself before you talk it over with your partner. Exploring your own feelings first will make your conversation less reactive.

3. Call up and examine the childhood memories that you cherish the most. Is it the different kinds of cookies your mom baked well in advance of Christmas? Playing the dreidel game? The scent of a Christmas tree? Latkes frying on the stove? Reading stories or singing songs with family? Share these with your partner so he or she knows that they are important to you.

4. Think about and discuss the traditions that you already share as a family. The way you commemorate your child’s first day of school, birthdays, and even vacations sum up rituals that you have created. Together, you can find ways to establish new family traditions that encompass what means the most to each of you.

5. Break down how you will celebrate together. For example, will you give presents each night of Chanukah? What will happen when Chanukah and Christmas are on the same night? Will you go to church or stay home? Will your extended family be involved? If yes, what will that look like?

6. Finally, let grandparents and other family members know that you have made decisions that are best for you and your family. Explain to them how and where you plan to celebrate the holidays so they are not surprised. Should they have a problem with what you have determined, stand firm and let them know that you love them but this is what is right for your family.

For more hands on help on incorporating both faiths, check out The Interfaith Family Project Of Greater Washington. IFFP is an independent community of interfaith families and others committed to sharing, learning about, and celebrating Jewish and Christian traditions. It is the only interfaith organization of its kind in the country.

–Posted by Jennifer Kogan, LICSW

If you are a separating or divorced parent, consider the following statements:

• My child’s other parent argues with me over the silliest of things.
• Making decisions together with the other parent is almost impossible.
• The other parent almost always considers him/herself first, even over the children.
• Our child avoids talking about their other parent with they are with me.
• Our child keeps secrets from me or the other parent.
• Our child often does not want to be with either me or the other parent.
• The other parent withholds information from me concerning the child.
• The other parent is generally irresponsible.
• We continue to file legal motions over points that seem very important but later prove to not be critical.
• I would collaborate with my child’s other parent but he/she does not collaborate with me.
(modified from Thayer & Zimmerman, 2001)

If more than a few of these statements are true, you and your ex-spouse are dancing to a destructive beat. Such conflict can exacerbate children’s hurt. Even as they are dealing with the loss of divorce, their parents’ conflict may cause them to feel “caught in the middle”, guilty, confused, and conflicted.

Even if you feel that the other parent is the primary initiator of conflict, there are steps you can take to disengage from the dance:

- Acknowledge that you are a partner in the conflict dance and your behavior is affecting your child.
- Disengage from your dance partner. Do your best to refrain from blaming, name-calling, or yelling in discussions with the other parent.
- Focus on what you can do to be a more cooperative co-parent, rather than only on what the other parent can do.
- Get support. Talk to friends who are understanding of your situation, seek out support in your community; in your synagogue, church, or mosque, talk to a professional, or consider seeking help from a family therapist.

Here are some further tips for communicating with your child’s other parent:

- Think of the other parent as a “business partner”. If you remember that you are trying to nurture a business-like relationship, it will be easier to remember how to communicate effectively (respectful problem-solving, avoiding blame, etc.).
- Try emailing your child’s other parent instead of calling, especially if you are feeling angry or hurt.
- Pause and give yourself a few moments of quiet time before discussions.
- Share an online calendar for important dates for your child.
- Have weekly scheduled phone sessions with the other parent to discuss agendas or important decisions.
- Let the other parent know when you need time to consider an issue and when you will respond with an answer.

Freeing yourself from the conflict dance can open up options for working with the other parent that will benefit you and your child. While such steps are often difficult, your child will likely feel more secure and be better able to cope with the tasks of childhood.

Reference:
Thayer, E.S. & Zimmerman, J. (2001). The Co – Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

-Posted by Kirsten Jimerson

What is loss?

Loss is a separation from someone or something you love or cherish. Losses can be physical (ex: death of a loved one) or symbolic (ex: romantic breakup or school change). Although the information described below will focus on the death of a loved one, it is import to acknowledge that teens experience many symbolic losses during adolescence (ex: termination of friendships, geographic moves, etc.). In order to offer genuine support, it is important that parents also acknowledge these losses as potentially painful experiences that adolescents may grieve.

What do teens understand about death?

Most adolescents have developed the ability to think abstractly. Therefore, usually they can grasp the concept of death as a permanent, irreversible, and universal experience that happens to all people. However, because teenagers have not fully developed long-term thinking skills, teens may still consider themselves immortal and invincible. Therefore, losing a loved can shake up a teen’s worldview and may prompt teens to question their own mortality. This may be especially true if a peer dies, as the death of a young person is typically unexpected.

What is grief?

Grief is a normal process that includes our reactions to loss. These reactions can be experienced and expressed physically, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, behaviorally, and socially. Our reactions to grief: 1) help us to release the pain of our loss, 2) occur as we adjust to our lives without a loved one, and 3) help us to construct meaning around our experiences of loss.

What do grief reactions look like in teenagers?

It is important for parents to realize that grief may look different in teenagers than in adults. Each teen grieves uniquely and it is possible that two teenagers in the same family may have unparalleled grief responses to the same loss. For example, after the death of a grandparent one teenager may become noncompliant with family rules and have difficulty concentrating in school, and the other may become increasingly responsible and demonstrate improved academic achievement. This is normal and each teen’s grief response deserves acknowledgment and empathy. How a teen responds to the death of a loved one may shift depending on: 1) their emotional level of maturity; 2) their relationship with the deceased; 3) their previous experiences with death and, 4) the nature of the death (anticipated or unexpected).

Below is a list of commonly noted physical, emotional, and psychosocial grief responses teenagers may experience:

• Emotional Reactions: sadness, anger, irritability, guilt, loneliness, turmoil, relief, numbness, helplessness, or feeling abandoned

• Physical Reactions: sweating, nausea, racing heart, tightness in chest, vomiting, no energy, stomachaches, headaches, and bedwetting

• Psychosocial Reactions: Denial, repression, depression, lots of questions or no questions about the death, withdrawal from family, more apt to talk to people outside family, risky behaviors (ex: drug/alcohol use, reckless driving, sexual promiscuity)

What can I do to support healthy grieving in my teen?

1) Permit teens to grieve and model healthy grieving behaviors: Often times, well-intentioned parents try to encourage teens by placing unfair expectations on them such as “be strong” that can restrict how a teen grieves. Parental statements such as “he was just a classmate” also minimize a teen’s grief experience. You can encourage healthy grieving in your teen by letting them know it is okay to show that they are affected by the death of the loved one. Reassure your teen that each of us grieves differently and encourage your teen to find his/her own way to respond to the loss. Model healthy grieving behavior as teens will model you.

2) Listen, accept, encourage, and observe: Teens may be struggling to manage a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts after the death of a loved one. Let your teen know that you are there to talk with them about any thoughts, questions, or feelings they may have about the loss. Be accepting of how a teen feels and validate that emotional experience, even if it may be different than your own. Remain empathic and nonjudgmental. Do not force a teen to talk about the loss if they are not comfortable. Keep an eye out for signs of distress or danger. If your teen exhibits signs of unhealthy coping behaviors, seek professional support.

3) Help your teen find ways to express grief: Many teens prefer to “do” rather than to “talk”. Help your teen find creative ways to express grief such as creating a photo album (physical or virtual) to celebrate their memories with the deceased, journaling, or artistic expression (music, dance, drawing or painting, etc.). Allow your teen to have some choice in which formal grief rituals (ex: funerals) they want to participate in and prepare them for what they might experience during the ritual. Create family rituals that you can do together to celebrate the life of the deceased (ex: planting a memorial tree, candle lighting ceremony, etc.).

4) Maintain consistency with family rules and routines: Death and grief reactions can cause a teen to feel out of control. Teens may test the boundaries and limits. However, it is important to maintain the established limits and consequences—this provides a sense of safety and security in teens.

5) Connect your teen with support groups outside of your family: Your teen may feel more comfortable talking with other teens in a grief group. This can provide a sense of community and help teens know they are not alone. Lastly, help your teen connect with a mental health therapist who can help them process the loss and grieve.

Loss and grief can be difficult to navigate for parents and teens. Remembering these guidelines can help you to support your teenager in their journey to grieve and heal.

References & Resources for Parents:

http://www.wendtcenter.org/
http://childgrief.org/teenspage.htm
http://www.livestrong.com/article/153240-grieving-process-for-teenagers/

Posted by Jocelyn Smith

What are logical consequences?

Logical consequences are results that parents set up to educate children that are connected to choices that the children make. For instance, if a child chooses to talk on the phone instead of doing his homework, he might not be allowed to use the phone that day. Using the phone to avoid a productive activity resulted in not being allowed to use it; hence, the consequence is a “logical” outcome of the choice.

Why use logical consequences?

In addition to improving behavior, a program of logical consequences can lead children to make more effective choices and decisions, and may even result in greater self-confidence. In combination with other efforts, it can also help strengthen partnerships between parents and children and contribute to a more orderly and respectful family life.

What is the difference between logical consequences and punishment?

Because logical consequences are intended to help children grow and develop, the focus is on the child’s choices. If a child acts up at dinner and a parent applies a logical consequence, the parent might say respectfully, “All this noise makes it difficult for us to enjoy our meal. Would you like to stay and be calmer or be done with dinner for tonight?” The intent of punishment, in contrast, is usually to make a child comply with adults’ wishes, so the focus is generally on the actions that the adult imposes on the child. A parent applying punishment to the acting-up child might yell ““Go to your room!”

Although both punishment and logical consequences can lead to better behavior in the short term, long-term effects on the child and the parent-child relationship tend to be very different. Punishment may leave a child feeling helpless, humiliated, or resentful. When a child makes choices that lead to logical consequences, he often feels more capable and confident.

I’ve also heard about “natural consequences”; how are they different from logical consequences?

Like logical consequences, natural consequences stem from children’s choices, but they occur without the assistance of adult intervention. For instance, if a child does not apply himself when working on a project for school, he might get poor marks on it. Adults can help children learn from natural consequences principally by not protecting children them from them; in the above example, a parent can help a child experience the effects of his limited effort by refraining from doing the child’s work (although he might work with the child to help him manage his time better).

What is the best way of administering logical consequences?

Logical consequences work best if they arise as a result of a collaborative dialogue between parents and children, preferably in advance of any misbehavior. These discussions are most effective when preaching or moralizing is minimized, and choices and consequences are discussed matter-of-factly.

In applying a consequence, it is important to demonstrate respect for the child’s choice, even if it may be one that the parent did not want the child to make. If a parent and child have agreed that a child can either come home on time or not go out for a week, and the child comes home late, the parent might say “I see you decided to stay out late rather than go out this coming week” in a respectful and non-judgmental manner. The parent utilizes the consequence itself rather than any verbal “lesson” to lead the child towards better choices in the future.

What are some more examples of logical consequences?

While each household is unique, the following examples should give a flavor of the nature of logical consequences. Notice that the choices are emphasized first, and that the positive as well as the negative results are spelled out.

–A child can choose to get up on time and then stay up later, or get up late and go to bed earlier that night.
–A child can choose to eat breakfast and eat a variety of foods, or miss breakfast and pack a healthy snack.
–A child can choose to do his homework before or after supper; if he does not do his homework, he does it right after school the next day.
–A child can choose an afterschool activity; if child does not choose an after school activity, the parent offers a list of choices; if the child does not choose, the parent signs the child up for one.

What happens if the child does not ‘”choose” any of the agreed upon options?

Sometimes children choose actions not on the “menu” that parents and children have agreed upon. In instances such as these, if a parent refrains from immediately reacting and revisits the issue later, he can preserve the collaborative nature of the enterprise and still set a more effective limit. For instance, in an example from above, if a child “grabs” an unhealthy food on the way out the door even though he did not eat breakfast, the parent might refrain from grabbing the food item back. When the child returns home, the parent might note the child’s choice, and maintain that unhealthy foods need to be locked away until trust is rebuilt.

What other approaches might parents use in combination with logical consequences?

Logical consequences work best in an atmosphere where a child feels loved, respected, supported, and appreciated. Noticing a child’s efforts, showing confidence in his or her abilities, respectfully offering guidance, and making an effort to listen and understand his or her thoughts and feelings all help create such an atmosphere, and make logical consequences that much more effective.

-Posted by Jonah Green

What is a parent to do when the kids start fighting?

For parents to answer that question, it can help to look back at our own relationships with our siblings. Can you remember your parents yelling at you both to “stop fighting and get along,” or being ordered to, “go to your room” or perhaps being spanked? Did any of these methods work to help you get along better with your sibling? Most likely they did not.

One thing you can do that is different from what our parents may have tried is to pick up a copy of the book, Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Both Faber and Mazlish were parents of young children thirty years ago. They participated and wrote about the lessons they learned in a parenting group they were in led by the renowned child psychiatrist, Dr. Haim Ginott.

Through their work with Dr. Ginott, both Faber and Mazlish discovered a puzzling parenting paradox. They found that insisting upon good feelings between the kids led to bad feelings and that allowing for bad feelings between the kids ultimately led to good feelings.

In other words, telling your kids to “get along” or getting mad at them when they fight does not teach them much. What kids really need is to learn to identify their own feelings and to be able to express them in a safe and nurturing environment. When parents jump in and try to intervene, siblings can miss out on learning some valuable life lessons.

Psychologist Daniel Shaw of the University of Pittsburgh and his colleagues conducted a years-long study in which they visited the homes of 90 2-year-old children who had at least one sibling, observing the target kids’ innate temperaments and their parents’ discipline styles. The researchers returned when the children were 5 and observed them again, this time in a structured play session with one close-in-age sib. The pairs were shown three toys but given only one to play with. They were told they could move onto the next one only when both agreed it was time to switch and further agreed which toy they wanted next.

That, as any parent knows, is a sure way to get your kids fighting –and that’s what happened. The experimenters ranked the conflicts on a five-point scale, with one being a single angry word and five being a full-blown brawl. The next year, they went to the same children’s schools to observe them at play and interview their teachers. Almost universally, the kids who practiced the best conflict-resolution skills at home carried those abilities into the classroom. *

This discovery supports both Mazlish and Faber’s finding that the best thing we can do for our kids is to allow them to work out their problems without too much adult intervention whenever possible.

Below are some tips for parents from Siblings Without Rivalry that can help you shift your present sibling strategy:

Level 1 – Normal Bickering
1. Ignore it.
2. Think about your next vacation.
3. Tell yourself the kids are having an important experience in conflict resolution.

Level 2 – Situation heating up
Adult intervention might be helpful
1. Acknowledge their anger.
2. Reflect each child’s point of view.
3. Describe the problem with respect for example, “That’s a tough one. Two children and one puppy.”
4. Express confidence in the children’s ability to find a solution.
5. Leave the room.

Level III – Situation possibly dangerous
Adult intervention might be needed
1. Inquire – Is this a play fight or a real fight? Play fights are permitted, real fights are not.
2. Let the children know play fighting is by mutual consent only (if it it’s not fun for both it’s got to stop).
3. Respect your feelings: you kids may be playing but it’s too rough for me. You need to find another activity.

Level IV – Situation definitely dangerous
Adult intervention needed
1. Describe what you see: I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other.
2. Separate the children: It’s not safe to be together. We must have a cooling off period. Quick off to your room and you to yours.

It is important to note that parents need to be available to help guide this process. If the situation does get out of hand as in Level IV, the adult should separate the kids for safety not as a punishment for “bad” behavior. Taking the judgment piece away (i.e., labeling behavior as bad or good) can help children develop the ability to recognize their own feelings and solve problems for themselves

We know that sibling relationships can have a powerful impact on early lives. The best gift we can give to our children is to equip them with the skills they need to enrich themselves and all their relationships for the whole of their life.

* “The New Science of Siblings,” Time Magazine 2006

-Posted by Jennifer Kogan, LICSW

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW provides counseling and support to parents in her northwest DC practice.