The researchers used data from a nationally representative sample of over 11,000 children gathered in the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study’s Kindergarten Cohort of 1998-1999.  Children included in the study were from one of four racial groups: White/Non-Hispanic, Hispanic, Black/Non-Hispanic, and Asian.  Using data from both kindergarten and third grade for the students, they collected information on spanking, child externalizing behaviors (e.g., arguing and fighting), and parent background (e.g., family income-to-needs, parent education, marital status, and employment status). 

Information gathered at kindergarten showed that most mothers (80%) spanked their child at some point, but only 27% reported currently spanking their child.  Fifteen percent of mothers reported spanking their third grade child.  At both points in time, Black mothers reported significantly more frequent spanking than any of the other mothers.  Hispanic moms were more likely to spank during kindergarten than White and Asian moms.  Teacher reports showed that acting out was highest at both kindergarten and third grade for Black students.  White and Hispanic children acted out more than Asian children in third grade.

After controlling for a whole bunch of variables (e.g., child gender and age, family income and size, parent education, marital status, parent employment status, and race), the researchers found that early spanking predicted more externalizing behavior over time regardless of the child’s race.  And here’s an additional interesting outcome: increased acting out predicted more spanking.  So we have a spank-act out-spank-act out cycle.  In other words, the very behaviors that parents try to squelch with spanking increase with spanking and the impulse can be to, you guessed it, spank more!

It is worth speaking further on the findings for Black children in this study.  There is absolutely no refuting the fact that corporal punishment served as a survival technique for African Americans during earlier times in our society.  To not keep one’s child in line could literally lead to far harsher punishment and/or death at the hands of the slave-owner and under the not so distant Jim Crow laws.  It is more than understandable that African American parents would have done anything and everything to protect their children in this type of society.

What we know now, however, is that the desire to immediately put behavior in check through spanking appears to have an unwanted effect over time.  The very behaviors that parents want to end increase instead.  Old habits and doing as we were raised to do are hard to change, very hard to change.  No matter what your race is, it looks like it’s both time and worth it.  What, you may ask, in the heck do we do instead?  You can start with poking around the How To section on the site and see if something strikes a chord.  And please let me know if there is something else that you would like to see.  Post your questions and open up important dialogue with other parents.

Thanks for reading.  –Anita

Source:  Gershoff ET, Lansford JE, Sexton HR, Davis-Kean P, & Sameroff AJ (2012). Longitudinal Links Between Spanking and Children’s Externalizing Behaviors in a National Sample of White, Black, Hispanic, and Asian American Families. Child development, 83 (3), 838-43 PMID: 22304526

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Since then, the attack on parents appears to be relentless. Our media outlets are filled with misinterpretations (and sometimes accurate interpretations) of research findings and statements by clinicians that directly or indirectly blame parental behaviors for their kids’ problems.

• You cuddle your kids too much
• You don’t love them enough
• You are too strict
• You are too permissive
• You are too emotional
• You are not emotional enough
• You give too much freedom
• You hover over them
• You don’t praise them enough
• You praise them too much

The list is endless.

The consequences of this parental blaming are devastating: parents full of either guilt and shame or anger and defensiveness, and worse, children who don’t get the treatment they actually need.

So I often find myself doing damage control with parents and explaining their new role in helping their kids improve. So today I wanted to share with you what I often tell parents who are either reluctant about therapy or are struggling with making decisions regarding their kids’ treatment.

1. Does your child need help? Examine your child’s academic, social, family, and emotional functioning to decide whether he needs help. If your kid’s behavioral or emotional difficulties are such that his functioning at home, school, or with peers is impaired, he may need help. You may ask, what is impaired functioning? There is no standard definition, but we usually become concerned when a child is unable to fulfill many of the basic tasks of being a kid: going to school, getting at least Cs in his courses, developing and maintaining friends, regulating his emotions, keeping himself out of trouble with the law, understanding and following basic rules, etc.
2. Getting help does not necessarily mean medication or years of therapy! Getting help may simply involve an evaluation to determine what intervention, if any, may be beneficial to your child. So it is often less scary if parents think that the first step is simply to seek an evaluation or consultation, without any commitment to go beyond this initial consult. The process should not be any different than when taking your child to the pediatrician for an evaluation if your child is having some physical symptoms. If your child needs help, most of our current interventions are relatively short (20-30 sessions) and the times of keeping kids in never-ending years of therapy are gone (at least mostly).
3. If you are concerned about your child’s functioning don’t accept a “he is just fine” answer from your pediatrician, especially if the pediatrician only asked you a couple of questions. I am always reluctant to say anything negative about other professionals, but the reality is that many pediatricians have little training in child psychology and psychiatry and especially in the proper evaluation of child psychological conditions. This is not just my perception. A comprehensive national survey of pediatricians revealed that about 70% of pediatricians feel that they lack appropriate training in diagnosing and treating mental health conditions and over 60% felt that they were not competent in proper diagnostic practices . So if you don’t agree with your pediatrician’s opinion that your child is just fine, request a referral for a consultation with a child mental health provider, such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or clinical social worker.
4. In many, many, many, cases, what “caused” your child’s condition does not really matter. This is likely a controversial statement, especially with some traditional therapists, but I say it because parents are frequently overly concerned about finding out what “caused” their kid’s OCD or ADHD. Often parents feel guilty and want to know if they caused the problem somehow or they are seeking answers that help them understand and accept why things turned out this way. The reality is that in most cases the “cause” will never be known. Although good clinicians will have a deep understanding of the historical and current context (family dynamics, peer group, thinking style, etc.) that may contribute to some of the difficulties, what matters right now is what we do from this day forward to help your child improve. Remember, we can’t change the past but we can improve your child’s future.
5. We can’t help your child without your help. There is very little we can do in one hour of weekly therapy without getting parents, and often teachers, involved in the treatment process. This is because the most effective interventions usually require that we make changes at home and in some cases at school. On that note:
6. When we suggest a different parenting or discipline strategy we are not saying that what you were doing was wrong or that you caused the problem. There are many, many parenting styles that are effective for most kids. In fact, some researchers even use the term “good enough parenting” to refer to the phenomenon that most kids will be fine regardless of what you do as a parent. But we also have extensive research suggesting that in some cases, such as when a child has a specific disorder, some parenting behaviors are more helpful than others. In addition, the most effective treatments for some conditions require that parents implement specific discipline plans that may be very different from what comes naturally to some parents. So we may ask you to change how things work at home, but not because we are judging your practices or skills, but because we need you to help us implement a treatment that may involve doing things differently. It is really not any different than if your child had a food allergy and the pediatrician recommended that you change your cooking. You were not doing it wrong. You did not cause the problem. But you can help your child by making the changes that need to be made.

In sum, I want parents to know that clinicians want first and foremost to help your child, not to find someone to blame for your child’s problems. We ask you to be involved because that is the most effective way to help your child improve. We need you to be our allies because without your help and support there is often little we can do.

Nestor L. Lopez-Duran Ph.D. is a child clinical psychologist and researcher currently working as an Assistant Professor at the University of Michigan. Follow him on twitter at @nestorlld

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While sleep studies typically focus on adults, a study in the Journal of Sleep Research by Berger and colleagues looked at 30-36 month olds.  They studied ten healthy children with no assessed sleep problems and looked at the impact of missing one nap.  Parents kept a strict sleep schedule for the toddlers for five days, at the end of which they either allowed or did not allow the daily nap.  They then repeated the same strict sleep schedule for five days and did the opposite nap arrangement (i.e., nap or no nap).

At the end of each five day period, the toddlers were observed in an emotion-related activity where they looked at pictures that typically elicited positive (e.g., baby), negative (e.g., shark), or neutral (e.g., dustpan) emotions.  They then participated in two problem-solving tasks (i.e., puzzles) with a familiar examiner, one of which was solvable and one of which was unsolvable.  These tasks took place about an hour after their typical post-nap wake-up time.

The researchers looked at displays of positive and negative emotions, as well as confusion.  Confusion, they stated, is a “knowledge emotion” that happens during times when there is low comprehension and high novelty and it can drive people to engage in a task and look for solutions. 

Just as they had guessed, the researchers found that skipping just one nap had a significant impact on the toddlers.  When they missed a nap they showed less confusion, or cognitive engagement, and more negative emotions when looking at neutral stimuli.  Missing a nap was also related to more negative displays of emotion in response to negative stimuli. 

And how about those puzzles?  After missing a nap, there was a significant decrease in positive emotions (less joy and pride) during the solvable puzzle and a significant increase in negative emotions (anxiety and worry) and decrease in confusion during the unsolvable puzzle in comparison to when they had a nap.   In other words, what may seem like not a big deal (i.e., missing one nap) looks like it led to less joyful, more anxious toddlers that couldn’t think straight enough to know when something was amiss.

The puzzle tasks are particularly interesting, as the researchers point out, for their similarity to tasks that children who attend preschool/school may encounter.  One of the first questions that I have for parents that have concerns about their child’s school performance, including the ability to stay focused, complete tasks, and regulate emotions, is how the child’s sleep is.  Not enough of it can certainly spell disaster for school performance. 

So the bottom line is pretty clear here.  Toddlers need their naps and a good night’s sleep.  And as they grow older, it is safe to say that your child will continue to need a good night’s sleep on a regular basis.  While this may sound simple, it is not always easy.  Good sleep is not a given, but doing certain things can increase the likelihood of it.  A good place to start for any child is with an established, positive bedtime routine.  For suggestions on getting started, please see Nestor’s previous post on the topic.  In the meantime, know that your child’s naptime and regular bedtime are just as important for parents as they are for the child.  We all need and deserve a break, some time to unwind, and to take care of ourselves.  Thanks for reading.  -Anita

Source:  Berger RH, Miller AL, Seifer R, Cares SR, & Lebourgeois MK (2011). Acute sleep restriction effects on emotion responses in 30- to 36-month-old children. Journal of sleep research PMID: 21988087

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Let’s first think about why lying gets under our skin so terribly.  Well, as parents we know that honesty is critical to healthy relationships, to having integrity, and to resolving problems.  Dishonesty can land you in a heap of interpersonal, academic, legal, and/or professional trouble both in the present and in the future and nobody wants that for their kids.

Now let’s look at our goals in confronting our child’s dishonesty.  First, we want to know the truth and we want for our kids to be able to readily share it.  Second, we want for our children to be able to make amends when their behavior affects somebody else, not skirt around the truth and try to get out of taking responsibility for it.  Third, we want for our children to be able to learn from their mistakes.  If they cannot be honest about those mistakes, then the learning is also lost.  You can probably add a lot of other goals to this list.  For this post, I’ll focus on the three above.

Okay, so how can we approach lying while keeping those three goals in mind?  Let’s start with the first goal: obtaining the truth.  This one simply takes a good dose of common sense.  If our kids fear us, fear being punished, fear the lecture, etc., then they will be less likely to come clean.  In Parenting with Love & Logic, the authors talk about the mistake parents make by stating that the child will be better off for telling the truth and then promptly punishing the child once the truth is told (p. 198-199).  Lesson learned: do not tell the truth.  Instead, parents can invite the child to tell the truth and rather than going bananas about whatever that truth is, they can instead thank the child for telling the truth, acknowledge that it was probably difficult to tell it, and then move on to the second goal: making amends.

Now I’ll get to amends in a moment, but I wanted to stay on goal one for a moment because there are likely going to be times that your child simply presses on with a lie.  Oftentimes, this happens because your child has been placed in a situation where he may feel compelled to lie, something Ginott referred to as “provoked lying” (p. 65-71).  Here are some things to consider: accusatory tones, statements, and/or questions will likely result in the lie being defended.  The why’s, how could you’s, and what were you thinking’s can pretty much assure us that our children would rather we didn’t know the truth.  

And one more thing to consider here: if you know the truth please don’t pretend that you don’t.  It is more productive for everyone if you simply state the truth and then move on to the second goal of making amends.  For example, your child comes to you with finger paint on her shirt and you say, “How did that finger paint get on your shirt?!”  Is she likely to respond in the same way as she would had you said matter-of-factly, “You got finger paint on your shirt.  What are you going to do about that?”  You get the idea.

 Now on to making amends.  Here is an opportunity for children to take responsibility for their behavior and it can be done in a way that puts the onus on the child for making a situation right.  How many of us have said these words to our child, “Now say you’re sorry”?  And then what do we usually get?  The empty apology, the humiliated apology, the resentment-filled apology, or some other type of sorry that just does not help in the character-building realm.  Here is another way to approach the situation: “Okay, so you broke the picture frame when you were throwing the ball in the house.  You were probably pretty worried about what I would do when I found out.  Well, how can you make this situation better?”  Having the child come up with and execute a plan can oftentimes yield surprising results.  And if the child struggles to come up with a plan, then you can make a simple offer.  “Let me know if you would like some help coming up with ideas.”  This approach allows your child to remain in the driver’s seat (because we do ultimately want them to be the ones to take responsibility) while also having a wise resource to tap: you.

Putting together goal one and goal two, we have met goal three: learning (and learning the messages that we really want them to learn).  We have allowed our child the opportunity to learn that telling the truth is beneficial and that mistakes can be made and remedied.  True, our behaviors may have consequences that cannot be undone, but at least we will be putting our child on the path of doing everything that he can think of to make things better.

One last thing: when you have a moment to connect with your child after the lying dust has settled it can be a good idea to have a heart-to-heart.  This is a good time to again commend your child for telling the truth and for talking about why honesty is important as well as some of the reasons that people lie.  This talk can be a way to help your child understand himself a little more as well as not feel that something is inherently wrong with him.  As always, this talk does not mean lecture.  It means having a talk something like this:

“I want to tell you again how proud I am that you told me the truth about losing my watch.  I know that I can go pretty bonkers when you lose my things and I can definitely freak out when I find out that you have not been honest with me.  That took some serious courage! 

“As someone that loves you very much, I need to say something to you about telling the truth.  I know how important it is to be honest with people so they can trust you and help you when you need it.  I get why it’s hard sometimes to tell me what really happened.  There’s the bonkers factor, for one, and lots of kids have that same fear about their parents.  They also sometimes feel really embarrassed or upset and don’t think that they can make up for what they did so they don’t want anyone to find out.  I promise that I will do my best to not lose it when you tell me about something not so great that you did and I really hope that you’ll feel more okay about telling me about what’s going on.”

Thanks for reading!  -Anita

Sources:

Cline, F. & Fay, J. (2006). Parenting with love & logic: Teaching children responsibility (updated and expanded ed.). Colorado Springs, CO: Pinon Press.

Ginott, H.G. (2003). Between parent and child: The bestselling classic that revolutionized parent-child communication (revised and updated ed.). New York: Three Rivers Press.

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What is a parent to do?

When presented with this recommendation, many parents agree and seek intervention for their kids, while many others decline the recommendation, either because they believe it is not necessary or that the intervention would not do anything.

However, the evidence that these interventions work in improving social and emotional functioning continues to increase.

For example, this month the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics published a study that examined 3,169 children (ages 6 months to 3 years) who were screened at a pediatricians office. Of these kids, about 711 or 22% were considered “at-risk” in that they showed signs of significant delays in their social or emotional functioning or had behavior problems, as reported by their parents in a screening questionnaires. Slightly more boys (25%) than girls (19%) were considered at-risk. These children were then offered the option to participate in an early intervention program that included either more monitoring, some intervention at the pediatricians office, or a referral to outside services in more severe cases.

285 parents declined the offer to participate in the intervention and 426 parents accepted the intervention. The authors then examined a group of kids who received a re-screening during a follow up visit (after the intervention). Specifically 170 children had this second evaluation. Of these, 67 (40%) came from the group who had declined the recommendation for intervention while the rest came from the group that accepted the intervention. This allowed the researchers to compare the kids who had the interventions with those who declined the intervention.

Did the intervention work?

About 56% of the kids who received the intervention showed a significant improvement in their social and emotional functioning. However, declining the intervention was associated with a 75% reduction in the probability that the child would show significant improvement during the second evaluation. The only exception was for kids with autism-style developmental delays who were referred to outside specialists and who unfortunately did not show improvement during the second evaluation.

Does this mean that the intervention worked? Most likely. The results clearly showed that the kids of parents who accepted the intervention were more likely to improve than the kids of parents who declined the intervention, which suggests that the intervention was effective for many of these kids. However, there are other possible explanations. For example, it is possible that families who accepted the intervention were more concerned about their kids and thus more likely to make other efforts to address these delays, such as making changes at home, seeking resources, etc, which may have resulted in the improvements. In this case, maybe it was not be the intervention, but the actions of the parents who agreed to the intervention, that resulted in improvements.

So should you accept the pediatrician’s recommendation for intervention? I would say YES. The evidence for the effectiveness of these early interventions is growing and I am yet to see evidence for any possible negative consequences that may come from receiving these early interventions.

Cheers, Nestor.

The reference:
Briggs, R., Stettler, E., Silver, E., Schrag, R., Nayak, M., Chinitz, S., & Racine, A. (2012). Social-Emotional Screening for Infants and Toddlers in Primary Care PEDIATRICS, 129 (2) DOI: 10.1542/peds.2010-2211

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Research suggests that divorce in and of itself is not destructive to children, but rather it is ongoing parent conflict that takes the lead in negative child outcomes. For high conflict parents, those that cannot seem to work cooperatively and respectfully on behalf of their children, who drag out parenting decisions, spend inordinate amounts of time in litigation, and/or do not follow through with parenting agreements even when court ordered, there is a service worth considering. In fact, it will oftentimes be court ordered when the abovementioned get too severe. That service is parenting coordination.

Parenting coordination is intended to provide support, guidance, education, and sometimes decision-making for separated and divorced parents that are in long-term high conflict. In quick sum, it is put in place to help parents carry out their parenting agreement. The service is typically provided by an attorney or mental health professional who has completed intensive training in the area of parenting coordination. This person is called a parenting coordinator or PC.

While PCs have been practicing for years, there has been a lot of variation in the way that they practice due to a lack of universal guidelines. The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) is a major contributor to the formal development of parenting coordination services and released a set of guidelines developed in 2005. The American Psychological Association has now taken on the task of developing PC guidelines specific to psychologists that operate as PCs and they have published those in this month’s American Psychologist.

While the guidelines are designed for psychologists, they can be applied to PCs with other professional backgrounds as well. I write about these guidelines not just for the sake of PCs, but for those parents who work with PCs. My intention is to give parents a clearer picture of what goes into the process of parenting coordination as PCs attempt to move parents from entrenched conflict to cooperative, productive parenting.

The guidelines cover several key areas. They are not mandated. Rather, the guidelines are to be used as a framework for how a PC operates.

1. PCs are expected to understand and appreciate how extremely complex this role is.
2. They are to receive ongoing training to keep up with the psychological and legal knowledge needed for the role.
3. They are to practice only if they have competencies in the many skills and areas of knowledge (such as cultural awareness and domestic violence) required for parenting coordination.
4. PCs are to work to ensure family safety and recognize when that safety is at risk.
5. PCs are to adhere to APA’s ethical guidelines and seek guidance when needed to address issues related to diversity.
6. PCs must maintain clear, complete, and timely record keeping.
7. PC work and billing are to be done in a responsible and timely manner.
8. PCs are to work collaboratively with other professionals involved in a case.

To read the full guidelines online, go here.

I’ve been exposed to PC work enough to know that many parents in the situation of having to have a PC are resentful of the presence of this person, feel as if their hands are tied and their parenting powers stripped. It is my wish that these guidelines can shed light on the true complexities and intentions behind the process and, hopefully, parents can work with their PC in a collaborative manner to move forward both for the sake of their children and of themselves. In other words, I hope that you can make your PC obsolete. Thanks for reading. –Anita

Sources:
AFCC Task Force on Parenting Coordination (2006). Guidelines for Parenting Coordination. Family Court Review, 44 (1), 164-181 DOI: 10.1111/j.1744-1617.2006.00074.x

American Psychological Association (2012). Guidelines for the practice of parenting coordination. American Psychologist, 67 (1), 63-71 DOI: 10.1037/a0024646

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