Child Therapy Chicago, Naperville & North Shore

The Purpose Behind the Pushback: Decoding Your Teen’s Most Frustrating Behaviors

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 08 Oct 2026 15:00:00 +0000

In a recent post, we talked about how to handle annoying teen behavior. Today, we’re taking a closer look at the meaning behind these annoying behaviors.

As we’ve said, if you are raising a teenager, you have likely found yourself on the receiving end of a dramatic eye-roll, a door slammed shut, or a monotone "Fine" in response to a simple question about their day.

It can be deeply frustrating, exhausting, and—if we are being honest with ourselves—a little hurtful. You spent years being your child’s primary source of comfort, wisdom, and connection. So when your once-affectionate child suddenly treats your presence like an inconvenience and your house rules like an unfair burden, it’s completely natural to feel disconnected or wonder what went wrong.

Here is the reassuring truth: nothing went wrong.

While these behaviors can test any parent's patience, child development literature tells us that many of the most exasperating adolescent habits are not signs of poor parenting or a broken relationship. Instead, they are the necessary, age-appropriate mechanisms through which young people grow into independent, autonomous adults.

Here is a look at what is really happening beneath the surface of five common adolescent behaviors.

1. The Snark, Sarcasm, and Eye-Rolls

What it feels like: Disrespect, dismissiveness, or a sudden lack of appreciation for family norms.

What is actually happening: De-idealization & Boundary Setting

To become an independent adult, a teenager must accomplish a major developmental task: separating their own identity from that of their parents. In early childhood, kids view their parents as all-knowing and perfect (idealization). Adolescence requires them to break down that pedestal—a process psychologists call de-idealization.

Snark, scoffing, and sarcasm act as emotional foam pads. They allow your teen to create distance between their emerging views and your authority. By rolling their eyes at your music, your advice, or your rules, they are clumsily testing out critical thinking and defining who they are in contrast to who you are. It feels personal, but it’s actually about their own identity construction.

2. The Bedroom Retreat and "One-Word" Answers

What it feels like: Being shut out, ignored, or iced out of your child’s life.

What is actually happening: Building an Internal World

When teens come home, head straight to their room, shut the door, or answer every question with "Fine" or "Nothing,"parents often worry about withdrawal. While genuine isolation is something to keep an eye on, a need for increased physical and emotional privacy is entirely normal.

During adolescence, the internal psychological landscape expands dramatically. Teenagers are processing complex social dynamics, identity questions, and intense emotions. Retreating to their room or keeping their thoughts private gives them a space to organize their internal world without outside influence. They aren't necessarily pushing you away; they are learning how to own their personal narrative before sharing it.

3. "My Friends Are My Whole World"

What it feels like: Being replaced, deprioritized, or left behind by a child who used to prefer family time.

What is actually happening: Social Reorientation

It can feel jarring when family movie night is rejected for a group chat, or when a minor conflict with a friend causes a major emotional crisis at home.

From an evolutionary and developmental perspective, adolescence is marked by a shift in social orientation. The primary task of this stage is preparing to step out of the family unit and into the wider world. Peer groups become the proving ground where teens practice navigating social hierarchies, building intimate friendships, resolving conflicts, and finding a sense of belonging. Their intense focus on peers isn't a rejection of your family—it’s training for adulthood.

4. "I Forgot" and Passive Resistance

What it feels like: Laziness, defiance, or sheer stubbornness when tasks or chores go undone.

What is actually happening: Autonomy Testing & Brain Remodeling

When you ask your teen to empty the dishwasher for the fifth time and get a heavy sigh, a delay, or a blank stare, it’s easy to feel unheard.

Directly saying "No" to a parent feels risky for most adolescents, so they often resort to passive resistance—sighing, procrastination, or selective hearing—to exert control over their time. Compounding this is the fact that the adolescent brain is undergoing a massive structural remodel. The prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for planning, working memory, and impulse control—is still under construction. What looks like intentional defiance is often a mix of testing autonomy and a developing brain struggling to prioritize external demands over immediate internal interests.

5. Zero to Sixty Emotional Reactivity

What it feels like: Walking on eggshells, where a neutral question like "Do you have homework?" triggers a sudden explosion or tears.

What is actually happening: Neurological Asynchrony

During puberty, the emotional center of the brain (the limbic system, including the amygdala) matures much faster than the prefrontal cortex, which regulates emotional control and logic.

This means teenagers genuinely experience emotional surges with greater intensity than adults do, but they don't yet have the fully developed neural hardware to smoothly regulate those feelings. Their reactions can feel wildly out of proportion to the situation because, to their developing nervous system, the emotional intensity is very real.

A Reassuring Framework for Parents

Understanding that these behaviors are developmentally appropriate doesn't mean you have to tolerate abuse or abandon basic household rules and boundaries. Boundaries give teens a safe, steady wall to push against.

However, holding this developmental lens can change how you respond. When you realize that pushback is a sign of normal growth rather than a personal attack, it becomes easier to respond with calm, steady authority rather than reaction.

Perhaps most importantly, remember this: teenagers generally save their most challenging behavior for the people they trust the most. If your teen is testing boundaries, rolling their eyes, and showing you their raw, unpolished emotions, it is often because they feel secure enough in your love to do the hard, messy work of growing up.

Is It Teen Anxiety—or a Highly Sensitive Temperament?

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 10 Sep 2026 15:00:00 +0000

If you have a teenager, you know that adolescence is naturally a time of heightened emotion. But for some teens, the world seems turned up to high volume.

You might see a teenager who is easily overwhelmed by crowded environments or friend drama, intensely self-conscious, prone to perfectionism, lying awake at night with a mind that won't turn off, or quick to react with intense worry, anger, or frustration.

It is easy—and not uncommon—to look at this cluster of experiences and immediately label it as anxiety. While anxiety is very real and often present, there is another foundational factor that gets overlooked: a highly sensitive temperament.

Understanding the Difference

Anxiety and high sensitivity can look nearly identical on the surface, but they come from very different places:

Anxiety stems from our own inner self-protective mechanisms that are designed to keep us safe. Anxiety is not always a bad thing. It’s a warning sign. It’s a signal to us to pay attention to our surroundings and/or our internal world when “danger” is near. However, this system can get stuck in the “on” position. Then, anxiety is no longer helpful, it’s problematic.

High Sensitivity is an innate trait. About 25% of the population is born with it. Highly sensitive teens process things in their environment, subtle social cues, and internal emotional experiences deeply.

When a teen with a highly sensitive disposition processes everything so intensely without the tools to regulate that intake, the natural result is feeling overwhelmed. Over time, that chronic overwhelm gets mistaken for an anxiety disorder.

High Sensory Input + Deep Processing ➡️Overwhelm ➡️”Anxiety” Symptoms

Working With the Temperament, Not Against It

When we treat a sensitive temperament as a problem or try to "fix" it, we inadvertently send teens the message that their core way of being is flawed. This creates a secondary layer of self-doubt and internal friction—which does breed real anxiety.

What happens when we help teens understand how their inner world operates instead? When kids learn about their temperament:

1. The shame dissipates. They realize, "I’m not broken or overly dramatic—my system just picks up an analyzes more data than average."

2. Focus shifts to pacing, not changing. Rather than trying to force themselves to "stop worrying" or "be tougher," they learn how to manage their energy, take sensory breaks, and recognize early signs of emotional saturation.

3. Their sensitivity becomes an asset. Deep empathy, thoughtfulness, and rich creative inner lives are the upside of the very trait that sometimes feels exhausting.

How Parents and Therapists Can Help

Supporting a highly sensitive teen isn't about eliminating stress or lowering all expectations; it's about providing the right container for them to flourish.

Name it neutrally: Help highly sensitive teens recognize their quick reactivity or racing thoughts as signs of a busy, deeply reflective mind—not an impending crisis.

Validate the experience: Phrases like "It makes sense that event felt like a lot for you" help ground their experience before moving to problem-solving.

Teach environmental management: Encourage them to build quiet, low-stimulation transitions into their days—especially before bed or after a long day of school and social interaction - and to find ways to avoid or let go of the “drama” of the day.

When teens learn to honor their temperament rather than fight it, the anxiety symptoms naturally begin to settle. They gain the self-awareness needed to navigate a noisy world comfortably as exactly who they are.

“Am I the Cause?” Helping Kids and Teens Untangle Divorce from their Sense of Self

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 06 Aug 2026 15:00:00 +0000

When a family goes through a divorce, parents are understandably consumed by a mountain of logistics, emotional strain, and big life changes. Amid this upheaval, children and adolescents are quietly doing what they do best: trying to make sense of their new world and where they fit into it.

Though they process it differently based on their age, both younger children and teenagers frequently internalize a parental split.

Younger children view the universe through an egocentric lens—meaning they naturally believe they are the center of cause and effect. If they were recently corrected for misbehaving, they easily connect the dots and conclude, “Mom and Dad are splitting up because of me.”

Teenagers possess advanced abstract thinking, so they understand the logic of divorce better, but they are in a crucial stage of identity formation. For a teen, a parental split can shake their very foundation, leading them to question their own capacity for future relationships, or causing them to feel personally responsible for "fixing" things or taking care of a parent's emotional needs.

To protect your child or teen's self-esteem and emotional well-being, they need explicit, repeated reassurance to untangle their sense of self from adult decisions.

What to Look For: Signs of Internalization

Kids and teens rarely say, "I feel responsible for this." Instead, their anxiety about the family transition shows up in their behavior:

• The "Perfect" Overachiever: Suddenly becoming hyper-vigilant about pleasing you, achieving high grades, or never making a mistake. Younger kids do this in hopes of bringing the family back together; teens often do it to avoid being a "burden" to stressed parents.

• The Caretaker or Peacekeeper: Trying to mediate conversations between parents, stepping too deeply into a "co-parenting" role with younger siblings, or acting as an emotional confidant for a grieving parent.

• Withdrawal or Acting Out: Younger kids might regress (tantrums, clinginess), while teens may pull away entirely from the family, seek escape in risky behaviors, or express their internal chaos through sudden anger.

Language that Heals: What to Say

Because young people need to hear things multiple times before it truly sinks in, look for quiet, low-pressure moments to offer these reminders.

For Younger Children:

“Mom and Dad have decided we cannot live together anymore. This is entirely a grown-up decision about our relationship. It has nothing to do with anything you did, anything you said, or how much we love you. Your only job right now is to go to school, play, and just be a kid.”

For Tweens and Teenagers:

“I know this is a huge disruption to your life, and it’s okay to be angry or upset about it. But I want to be completely clear: this is an adult issue between Mom and Dad. It is not your job to fix our relationship, to be a messenger, or to take care of our feelings. We are the parents, and we are going to handle this so you can focus on your own life, your friends, and being a teenager.”

The Key Takeaway

When we explicitly lift the burden of responsibility off a young person's shoulders, we give them a profound gift. Reassuring them that they are not the cause of—nor the cure for—adult relationship dynamics allows them to step back from family conflict. Ultimately, it frees them up to return to the vital developmental task of growing up.

If your child or teenager is struggling to process a family transition, or if you would like support navigating co-parenting dynamics, the team at Child Therapy Chicago is here to help. Reach out to us to connect with a therapist today.

Progress, Not Perfection: Embracing Your Child or Teen’s Unique Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 09 Jul 2026 15:00:00 +0000

Parenting is perhaps the most challenging role we will ever take on. As parents, we naturally want the absolute best for our kids. We want to protect them from pain, see them succeed, and hope they grow into happy, healthy adults. However, in our desire to help them, it is easy to fall into the trap of seeking "perfection"—both for them and for ourselves.

At Child Therapy Chicago, we encourage families to shift the focus from a finished "perfect" product to a lifelong process of growth. Here is why prioritizing progress over perfection makes all the difference.

Seeing the Child or Teen in Front of You

It is natural to carry an image in our minds of who our child "should" be. But true progress begins when we release that image and embrace the child or teen who is actually in front of us. This means honoring their unique temperament, their specific interests, and even their quirky likes and dislikes. When we stop trying to mold them into a specific shape, we give them the breathing room to become their most authentic selves.

Development is a Process

Child and adolescent development is rarely a straight line. There will be setbacks, emotional outbursts, and moments of deep frustration. The goal isn't to eliminate these challenges, but to help our children grow in their ability to:

• Recognize and name complex feelings.

• Manage anxiety in healthy ways.

• Navigate difficult social situations with resilience.

When we celebrate the small wins—like a teenager disengaging from social drama and reaching for their art supplies during a stressful week or a child verbalizing their anger instead of acting out—we reinforce the idea that they are capable of change.

Your Support is the Foundation

You don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise a thriving child or teen. In fact, when you acknowledge your own mistakes and show how you learn from them, you model the very "progress" you want to see in your kids.

By leading with empathy and curiosity rather than pressure, you create a safe harbor where your child or teen feels seen and supported. They don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love; they just need to keep growing, one step at a time.

Are you looking for support in navigating your child or teen’s developmental journey? Reach out to Child Therapy Chicago today to learn how we can help your family focus on progress.

Decoding the Eye-Roll: Why Your Teen’s Attitude is Actually a Good Sign

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 04 Jun 2026 15:00:00 +0000

If you’ve recently been met with a dramatic sigh, a slammed door, or the "world-class" eye-roll, you aren’t alone. Living with a teenager can sometimes feel like walking through a minefield where the rules of engagement change every hour.

It’s easy to feel like you’re doing something wrong, or worse, that your once-sweet child has suddenly decided you’re the enemy. But at Child Therapy Chicago, we want to share a little secret that might help you breathe a sigh of relief: Their attitude usually isn't about you.

It’s Developmental, Not Personal

Teenage moodiness isn't a sign of a failed relationship; it’s a sign of a growing brain. During adolescence, the "emotional center" of the brain (the amygdala) is working overtime, while the "logic center" (the prefrontal cortex) is still under construction.

When your teen is snarky or dismissive, they are often practicing individuation. They are trying to figure out where you end and they begin. While it feels like a personal attack, it’s actually a messy, clumsy developmental milestone.

Strategies for the "Storm"

How do we survive these years while keeping the relationship intact? It starts with parental self-regulation. Here are a few ways to shift the dynamic:

• Don't Take the Bait: When your teen gets "big" with their emotions, your job is to stay "small" and steady. If you match their volume or intensity, the situation escalates. By staying calm, you act as an emotional anchor in their storm.

• Wait for the "Cool Down" to Teach: Nothing productive happens when a brain is in "fight or flight" mode. If you try to lecture or "teach a lesson" while your teen is upset, they literally cannot process the information. Save the boundary-setting for a quiet moment later when everyone is regulated.

• Be the Mirror, Not the Megaphone: Your teen is watching you to see how to handle frustration. When you regulate your own response—taking a deep breath or saying, "I'm feeling frustrated, so I'm going to take a minute before we talk"—you are giving them a powerful blueprint for their own emotional health.

Creating a Safe Harbor

The goal isn't to be a "perfect" parent who never gets annoyed. The goal is to create a calming emotional space. When you remain a steady, empathetic presence despite their moodiness, your teen begins to internalize that stability. Over time, they learn that emotions are manageable and that your love is a constant, even when they are at their most difficult.

You’re doing a great job. This phase is exhausting, but your patience and self-regulation are the greatest gifts you can give your growing teen.

The Invisible Guest: How Our Stress Finds Its Way Into Our Kids’ Rooms

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 07 May 2026 15:00:00 +0000

It’s no secret that parenting in 2026 feels heavy. Between an unpredictable 24/7 news cycle, shifting political and social landscapes, and the sheer pace of life for a modern parent, many of us are living in a state of "high alert." We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, and often, without meaning to, we put that weight onto our kids.

As parents, we try our best to shield our children and teens from our worries. But even when we don't speak our stress out loud, our kids are experts at reading our emotions and moods.

The Mirror Effect

Our kids’ nervous systems are hardwired to scan us for safety. When we are preoccupied with external stressors—whether it’s a headline we just read or anxiety about the future—our bodies send out subtle cues. A shorter tone, a furrowed brow or a distracted presence tells a child’s brain that something is "wrong."

In clinical terms, this is called projection. It isn’t something you’re doing on purpose; it’s a natural human response to being overwhelmed. However, because kids don't have the context to understand why we are stressed, they often internalize that tension as if it belongs to them.

What Your Child or Teen’s Behavior is Telling You

When a child or teen feels this projected stress, they rarely have the words to say, "I can feel your anxiety and it’s making me feel unsafe." Instead, they show us through their behavior:

• The "Explosion": Increased defiance or irritability (matching the high energy they feel from you).

• The "Regression": Sudden trouble with sleep, clinginess, or bathroom accidents in younger children.

• The "Withdrawal": Especially with teens, you might see them shut down or retreat further into screens to avoid the "heavy" energy in the house.

From Projection to Co-Regulation

The goal isn’t to be a perfect, stress-free parent—that’s impossible. The goal is to move from reacting to co-regulating. Here is how we can break the loop:

• Name the Elephant: It’s okay to be honest. You might say, "I’m feeling a little frustrated by some news I heard today, so if I seem quiet, it’s not because of you." This simple sentence protects your child from feeling responsible for your mood.

• The "Air Mask" Rule: You cannot calm a child or teen if you are in "fight or flight" mode. Take a "micro-break"—three deep breaths or a quick splash of cold water on your face—then work to re-connect with your child or teen. Deal with the behaviors later.

• Focus on the "Small" Moments: When the world feels big and scary, shrink your focus. Five-minutes of quiet time, a walk around the block, a shared dessert or listening to music can do more to reset a child or teen’s nervous system than any lecture.

At Child Therapy Chicago, we believe that the strongest tool a child has is a regulated parent. By acknowledging our own stress, we stop the loop and create a space where our kids feel seen, safe, and secure—no matter what is happening in the world outside.

Investing in Your Child's Well-being: Why Child Therapy Chicago May Be the Right Fit

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 09 Apr 2026 15:00:00 +0000

As a parent, you only want the best for your child, and their mental and emotional health is paramount. When your child is facing challenges, finding the right support can feel overwhelming. Many parents naturally look for therapists who accept their insurance, believing it's the only feasible or even "correct" path. We understand that – navigating healthcare and finances is complex. At Child Therapy Chicago, we are committed to providing exceptional care for toddlers, kids, teens, and their families, and we operate as a private-pay practice. We believe it's important to openly discuss why this model allows us to focus entirely on your child's needs and why it can be a valuable investment for your family.

Our goal is not to convince you of one way over another, but to provide clarity so you can make the most informed decision for your child's well-being. Think of it as an exploration of the unique benefits that a smaller, boutique-style practice can offer.

Beyond the Copay: A Different Kind of Focus

When you choose a practice like Child Therapy Chicago, you're not just paying for a therapy session; you're investing in a personalized, dedicated approach that places your child and your family at the center of everything we do. Here are some of the key reasons why our self-pay model allows us to prioritize your child's unique needs:

1. Highly Individualized, Flexible Approach: Because we are not constrained by insurance company mandates regarding treatment plans, duration of therapy, or approved modalities, we have the flexibility to truly tailor therapy to your child's specific needs and pace. Whether it's integrating play therapy, utilizing specific therapeutic techniques that resonate with your teen, or adjusting the frequency of sessions, we collaborate with you to determine the best path forward, free from bureaucratic limitations. Therapy progresses according to your child’s actual progress, not a predetermined timeline.

2. Uncompromising Focus on Your Child (Not Volume): Unlike some larger practices or insurance-based clinics that face pressure to see a high volume of clients, our focus is squarely on quality, not quantity. The number of families we see are intentionally managed to ensure each child receives the dedicated time, attention, and energy they deserve. Your child isn't just another number; they are a unique individual whose journey we are privileged to support. We have the space to thoroughly reflect on your child’s needs, determine best approaches, and prepare for each session meaningfully.

3. True Privacy and Confidentiality: This is a significant consideration for many families. When you utilize insurance, your child's diagnosis and, sometimes progress notes, have to be shared with the insurance company. This becomes part of their medical record, which has the potential for unforeseen implications down the line (e.g., for certain career paths, life insurance applications, etc.). Even with some of the current health care privacy protection policies, there’s no real guarantee that the mental health records of kids will remain private. By paying out-of-pocket, your child’s mental health information remains between you, your child, and their therapist. We are beholden only to ethical and legal guidelines and your child’s best interest, not the documentation requirements of an insurance-based practice.

4. Deep Specialization in Child and Adolescent Mental Health: We are child and adolescent specialists. This isn't just one facet of what we do; it IS what we do. Our clinicians possess specialized training, knowledge, experience, and a genuine passion for working with the unique developmental stages, emotional languages, and challenges faced by toddlers, children, and teens. We understand the nuances of children's personalities, how those traits intertwine with their emotions and behaviors, and the specific dynamics of parent-child relationships. This deep expertise allows for a level of understanding and tailored support that isn’t always available from clinics or therapists who see a wide range of clients and issues and where therapy with kids is not the sole, primary focus and is not center stage.

5. Consistent Access and a Supportive Partnership: We value strong relationships with both children and parents. You won't have to navigate a complex system, make or change appointments with administrators or deal with frequent clinician changes. You will have direct and consistent access to your child's therapist, fostering trust, easy and frequent communication, advocacy for and a deeper understanding of your child. We view ourselves as partners in supporting your child's growth and well-being, providing guidance, resources, and regular check-ins for you as parents as well.

We Hear You: Making Private Pay Work

We know the word "private pay" can feel daunting. While we don't bill insurance directly, we are committed to making our services as valuable and accessible as possible. Here’s how:

• Complimentary Initial Parent Only Session and Ongoing Parent Support Sessions: As parents, you matter! You know your child the best. Your insights about your child’s life - their experiences, their personality, feelings, behaviors and relationships - are an important part of the therapy process. Your input helps us know the best ways to work with your child and support you in your role as parents. To that end, the very first session with us is free for parents so that we can begin to understand your child from your perspective. Then, after every 6 sessions with your child (or you and your child if you’re in treatment together), we want to meet with just you to talk about how things are going for your child and your family, to give you some specific ways to support the work your child is doing in therapy at home, and to plan for the next series of therapy sessions. These parent meetings are at no cost because we recognize and respect that you are an important part of the work with your child.

• FSA and HSA Accepted: We gladly accept payment using Flexible Spending Account (FSA) and Health Savings Account (HSA) cards, in addition to traditional credit cards. This is a seamless way to use pre-tax dollars for therapy, often covering the entire cost without requiring you to engage with your insurance company at all. Mental health expenses might even be eligible for a tax deduction, depending on your circumstances, so this is an important question for your accountant.

• Superbills for Reimbursement: If you do need to seek reimbursement through your insurance company, we can provide you with a monthly "superbill." This is a detailed invoice containing the necessary information (diagnosis and procedure codes) that you can submit to your insurance plan. We will also talk with you about the most benign, yet fitting diagnosis, that can be given to describe what’s happening for your child without it feeling like a negative label they can never shake. While we cannot guarantee reimbursement amounts, which vary greatly by plan, many families are successful in obtaining partial out-of-network coverage, and there are even Apps out there to deal with your insurance claims for you. We are happy to talk through this process with you.

Why Choose a Specialist Outside of Your Network?

Ultimately, the choice of a therapist is deeply personal. For families who can manage the initial financial aspect, choosing a specialist outside of their network often boils down to a fundamental question: What is the value of the best possible fit for my child?

The Power of Depth: Our Psychodynamic Approach

At Child Therapy Chicago, we specialize in psychodynamic psychotherapy, a "depth" approach that looks beyond a child's immediate behavior to understand the internal world driving it. While many modern therapies, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), are designed to manage surface-level symptoms and "fix" specific behaviors quickly, psychodynamic therapy aims for lasting, structural change. We believe that a child’s tantrums, anxiety, or withdrawal are often outward signals of deeper, unconscious struggles—perhaps related to how they process big emotions, navigate their identity, or perceive their relationships. By helping your child (and you) understand these root causes, we don't just "mask" the symptoms; we help resolve the underlying conflicts. This leads to more profound emotional resilience, helping your child develop a stronger sense of self that serves them long after they leave our office.

The Importance of Understanding Child Development

The early years and adolescence are critical periods of development. Development plays a huge role in child mental health. It impacts how kids process experiences, react to emotions, manage behaviors, make healthy life choices, engage in interpersonal relations, and how they feel about themselves. Investing in specialized, confidential, and highly individualized care can lay a strong foundation for your child's emotional resilience and long-term well-being, potentially preventing more complex challenges down the line. It's often the case that working intensely and effectively with a highly qualified child specialist can yield more significant and lasting benefits than a course of treatment that is less tailored.

Think of it this way: for other specialized needs for your child – whether it's a specific athletic or academic coach, a unique educational opportunity, or even a specialized medical professional – we often seek out the expert whose approach and expertise align precisely with our child's needs, even if it means stepping outside our typical network. Mental healthcare deserves the same careful consideration and prioritization.

We are here to support you in making this important decision. If you have any questions about Child Therapy Chicago, our specialized knowledge and approach to working with toddlers, kids, and teens, or our payment options, please reach out. We are happy to have a conversation and help you explore whether we are the right fit for your child and your family. If we are not, we will try and help connect you with a place that is. Your child’s well-being is our priority, and we are committed to providing the highest quality care possible.

Understanding Your Unique Self: A Guide for Highly Sensitive Teens

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 05 Mar 2026 16:00:00 +0000

Hey everyone! Today, we want to talk directly to the incredible teenagers out there who might identify with something truly special: having a highly sensitive temperament. If you've ever felt like you experience the world a little more intensely than others, this post is for you.

What Does it Mean to Be Highly Sensitive?

You might have heard the term "highly sensitive person" (HSP) or "highly sensitive child" (HSC). What does that actually mean? It simply describes a natural temperament that about 15-20% of the population shares. It's not a flaw, a disorder, or something to "fix." It's a fundamental part of how your nervous system processes information and experiences the world.

Think of it this way: your brain is incredibly good at picking up on subtleties and details that others might miss. You have a finely tuned radar for emotions, sensory input, and the unspoken things around you.

Here are some examples of what this might look like for you as a teen:

• You feel things deeply. When you're happy, you're really happy! When you're sad or upset, those emotions can feel incredibly intense and sometimes overwhelming. You might cry or be easily angered or feel the intensity in your body.

• You're a deep thinker. You probably spend a lot of time reflecting on things, asking big questions, and noticing patterns or connections that others don't. You might have a rich inner world. It’s easy to get lost in there, and it’s your comfortable space.

• You're very observant. You notice details in your environment – the way the light falls, the tone in someone's voice, the deeper meaning behind the words someone uses, a subtle shift in mood in a room. You might be the first to notice when someone is upset, even if they haven't said anything.

• Sensory input can be a lot. Things like loud noises, bright lights, scratchy clothes, strong smells, or even certain temperatures can sometimes feel overwhelming or uncomfortable for you, while others don't seem bothered. A busy, crowded mall might feel exhausting rather than exciting.

• You might be a perfectionist or hard on yourself. You pride yourself on doing things well. When you are still learning and you make mistakes, these might feel extra bad. You may not like being watched. You tend to judge yourself more harshly than others see you, and it might be hard to verbalize how you feel.

• You might need alone time to recharge. After a busy day at school, social events, or even just being around a lot of people, you might feel depleted, you don’t feel like talking or being asked a lot of questions, and you need quiet time to process and recover.

• You're often very empathetic. Because you feel so much, you naturally absorb the emotions of those around you. It’s a beautiful gift, but a heavy one. There are times when that weight becomes too much, leading you to close off as a way to manage the intensity. Even if it’s hard to express what you're feeling in those moments, your silence doesn't mean you don't care—it just means you’re holding a lot.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, you're definitely not alone!

The Power of Your Sensitivity

It's true that sometimes, especially during the teenage years, these qualities can feel like a lot to manage. The world can seem loud, fast, and demanding, and your sensitivity might make you feel easily stressed, angry, frustrated or overstimulated. It's okay to feel that way. Many highly sensitive teens experience this!

But here's the really important part: these are not weaknesses; they are incredible strengths! Imagine this:

As an adult, your ability to think deeply makes you an insightful problem-solver and a creative innovator. Your empathy makes you a kind leader, a supportive friend, or someone who excels in helping professions. Your observational skills allow you to notice details that can lead to breakthroughs in art, science, or relationships. Your deep emotional capacity means you can experience joy, love, and beauty in profound ways.

Here are some of the amazing advantages of being highly sensitive:

• Creativity and Appreciation for Beauty: HSCs often have a strong aesthetic sense and are drawn to art, music, nature, animals, fashion, and beauty in all its forms.

• Strong Empathy and Compassion: You have a natural ability to understand and share the feelings of others, making you a deeply caring and supportive person.

• Conscientiousness: You tend to be very thoughtful, careful, and aware of the consequences of your actions.

• Deep Connections: You're capable of forming incredibly rich, meaningful relationships because you connect with others on a profound level. Friendships can last a lifetime.

• Insight and Intuition: Your ability to process information deeply often leads to strong intuition and valuable insights. You just know things sometimes.

• Attention to Detail: This makes you excellent at tasks that require precision and careful observation.

Passion: You can be fiercely protective of those around you and you stand up for causes in which you believe. You are strong and an advocate. You make a difference.

Embracing Your Highly Sensitive Self

The goal isn't to change who you are, but to understand and learn to navigate the world in a way that honors your unique temperament. This journey involves:

• Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself! It's okay to need quiet time, to feel overwhelmed sometimes, or to have strong emotions.

• Setting Boundaries: Learning to say "no" to things that drain you and "yes" to what nourishes you. No need to compare yourself to others.

• Creating a Sanctuary: Having a space where you can retreat and recharge when you need to. Quiet time doesn’t mean you’re antisocial or lonely.

• Finding Your People: Connecting with others who understand and appreciate your sensitivity.

• Learning Coping Strategies: Developing tools to manage overstimulation or intense emotions (e.g., mindfulness, deep breathing, listening to music, drawing, journaling, exercising, spending time in nature).

Being highly sensitive is a beautiful, powerful trait that enriches your life and the lives of those around you. It allows you to experience the world with a depth and richness that many never will. We want you to see your sensitivity not as a burden, but as a superpower. As you grow and learn, you'll discover more and more ways to harness these incredible qualities and shine brightly as your authentic self.

You are wonderfully, uniquely you, and that's something to celebrate!

Beyond the Timer: Raising Self-Regulating Kids in a Digital World

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 05 Feb 2026 16:00:00 +0000

For years, the "gold standard" of digital parenting was the kitchen timer. We set 60 minutes for Minecraft, 30 minutes for YouTube, and when the buzzer went off, the device went away. But as we’ve seen heading into 2026, rigid rules often create a "forbidden fruit" effect or, worse, leave kids without the very skill they need most: the ability to listen to their own brains.

So, what do we do? We’re moving away from universal time limits and toward Bio-Individual Responses. This means teaching kids that "screen time" isn't a single thing—it’s a physical and emotional experience that changes depending on what they are doing and how their unique nervous system reacts.

Why Hard Rules Often Fail

When we use external controls (like app blockers or timers) exclusively, we are doing the "regulating" for our kids. While this keeps them safe in the short term, it doesn't build their internal muscle for self-regulation. Just as we want kids to recognize when they are feeling "hangry" or overwhelmed by a loud room, we want them to recognize when a digital loop is making them feel "fried."

The Bio-Individual Approach: Identifying the "Digital Signature"

All kids react differently to tech. One might feel energized and creative after an hour of digital art, while another might feel irritable and "hollow" after ten minutes of short-form scrolling.

To help your kids develop autonomy and “physical intelligence,” start by helping them identify their own Somatic (Body-Based) Warning Sign.

Common "Body Clues" to look for together:

• The "Glaze": Do their eyes look fixed or unfocused?

• The "Zip": Is their body humming with restless energy even though they are sitting still?

• The "Snap": Do they react with immediate irritability when interrupted?

• The "Void": Do they feel a sense of "blah" or sadness immediately after putting the phone down?

A screen meltdown is a “nervous system failure” not a “behavioral failure.” Keeping this in mind allows for a more empathy parental response.

From "Stop Now" to "Check In"

Instead of being the "Screen Police," try becoming a Digital Mentor. Shift the conversation from "Time's Up" to "Body Check."

1. The Mid-Game Check-In: Occasionally ask, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your brain feeling right now? Is it feeling 'sparky' (creative/fun) or 'heavy' (tired/looping)?"

2. The Post-Screen Reset: Create a "bridge activity" to help the dopamine levels stabilize. Moving from a high-stimulation screen to a "boring" task like homework is physically painful for kids’ brains. Try five minutes of "heavy work" (jumping jacks, pushing against a wall, or a quick snack) to reset the nervous system.

3. Collaborative Agreements: Instead of a rule, create an agreement. "We’ve noticed that after 45 minutes of [Game Name], you tend to feel really frustrated. How can we plan a break before that feeling hits?"

The Goal: Internal Autonomy

By focusing on how tech makes them feel rather than just how long they’ve used it, you are giving your kids a gift that lasts a lifetime. You are teaching them that they are the boss of their tools—not the other way around.

When kids can eventually say, "I’m going to put this away because my eyes feel tired and I’m starting to get grumpy," they have achieved a level of self-regulation that no timer could ever teach.

Play as a Window to the Soul: How Therapists Listen to What Children Can’t Yet Say

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 08 Jan 2026 16:00:00 +0000

Children are constantly learning to navigate a complex world and, sometimes, the feelings and challenges they face feel too overwhelming or too abstract for words. As adults, we often have the vocabulary and emotional awareness to articulate our struggles. But what about a child who is experiencing anxiety, sadness, or anger without the means to express it verbally? This is where play therapy becomes a powerful and invaluable tool.

At Child Therapy Chicago, we understand that play isn't just about fun and games, it’s about communication and connection; it's a child's natural language. Through play, children can process experiences, explore emotions, and communicate their inner world in a way that feels safe and natural to them. Think of a child building a towering block structure to represent their sense of power, or gently tending to a doll to mirror their desire for care and comfort. Every action, every choice of toy, every narrative they create in their play offers a unique glimpse into their feelings, fears, and hopes.

The Language of Play: What It Reveals

In a play therapy session, a child psychotherapist observes and participates in a child's play, carefully "listening" to this non-verbal language. What might they hear?

• Feelings: A child repeatedly smashing toy cars might be expressing anger or frustration. A child who hides a toy animal under a blanket could be revealing feelings of fear, shame, or a need for protection.

• Fears: Through play, children can act out situations that cause them anxiety, such as a monster under the bed or a difficult interaction at school. This allows them to gain a sense of control over their fears in a safe environment.

• Hopes and Desires: A child's play can also be filled with their aspirations – a desire for connection, a longing for acceptance, or a hope for things to be different. They might create scenarios where they are strong, loved, or victorious.

Psychodynamic Play Therapy: Understanding and Managing Emotions

While play therapy offers a vital avenue for expression, our approach at Child Therapy Chicago utilizes psychodynamic play therapy techniques. This specialized form of therapy delves deeper into the unconscious patterns and underlying dynamics that influence a child's behavior and emotional life.

In psychodynamic play therapy, the therapist helps the child explore how past experiences, relationships, and internal conflicts might be impacting their current feelings and actions. It's about helping children connect the dots between what they've experienced and how they are feeling now.

Through this process, children begin to:

• Understand the Roots of Their Emotions: They learn that their feelings aren't random, but often stem from specific situations or unresolved experiences.

• Develop Emotional Literacy: As they play out their inner world, the therapist helps them to name and understand their emotions, building a vocabulary for their internal experiences.

• Learn Healthier Coping Mechanisms: By exploring various scenarios and outcomes in play, children can experiment with different ways of responding to challenging situations. They might learn to assert themselves more effectively, manage impulses, or process grief in a healthy way.

• Improve Behavior Management: As children gain insight into their emotional triggers and develop better coping skills, their external behaviors often improve. Tantrums may lessen, anxiety may decrease, and social interactions may become more positive.

Ultimately, psychodynamic play therapy empowers children not just to express themselves, but to truly understand themselves. It provides them with the tools they need to navigate their emotional landscape, build resilience, and develop healthier ways of managing their feelings and behaviors both now and in the future.

If you believe your child could benefit from a safe space to explore their world and learn to better manage their emotions, we invite you to learn more about play therapy at Child Therapy Chicago.

The Gift and Challenge of Raising a Deeply Feeling Child

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 04 Dec 2025 16:00:00 +0000

Some kids don’t just feel—they feel deeply. They take in the world with an intensity that can be breathtaking in its beauty and overwhelming in its weight. These are the children and teens who light up with joy, crumble with disappointment, notice subtleties others miss, and respond to the emotional climate around them with exquisite sensitivity.

For many parents, raising a deeply feeling kid is both a profound gift and a genuine challenge. Their tenderness invites empathy and connection, yet their intensity can leave adults unsure of how to help them navigate big internal experiences that seem to arrive without warning.

This depth of feeling not as something to “fix,” but as something to understand—a signal about the child or teen’s inner world. Sensitivity is not a flaw; it is a form of emotional richness.

Why Sensitivity Is a Strength

Deeply feeling kids often have qualities that blossom beautifully over time:

Empathy that runs deep: They sense what others feel and respond with care.
Creativity and imagination: They see possibilities where others see limits.
Curiosity about people: They think about why others behave the way they do.
Authenticity: They feel things fully and show up as themselves.
A strong moral compass: They care deeply about fairness and justice.

Many of these kids become thoughtful friends, passionate learners, and emotionally attuned adults who contribute meaningfully to the world.

Where Sensitivity Becomes a Struggle

The very qualities that make these kids extraordinary can create challenges:

Emotions that surge quickly: A small disappointment might feel like devastation.
Difficulty with transitions: Their internal world shifts slowly, making change hard.
Overwhelm in loud or chaotic environments: Their nervous systems take in a lot at once.
Perfectionistic tendencies: Because they care, they try hard—and may fear failing.
Intense responses to conflict: Even minor disagreements can feel threatening or confusing.

These struggles are not signs that something is wrong with the child or teen. They signal a need for understanding, structure, safety, and attuned caregiving.

Seeing Beneath the Behavior

A child or teen’s big reactions often leave parents wondering, “Why is this such a big deal?” From a psychodynamic perspective, behavior is a clue—an expression of an emotional experience the child or teen can’t yet articulate.

A meltdown after school might be a release of feelings they worked hard to hold in all day.
A refusal to try something new might be anxiety, worry, fear of failure or fear of the unknown dressed as defiance.
A sharp tone might be a sign of embarrassment or shame.

When parents shift from “How do I stop this behavior?” to “What is this behavior telling me?” they begin to see the child or teen’s whole emotional landscape—and the child/teen begins to feel known.

How Parents Can Support Deep Feelers

1. Lead with understanding before solutions.
Naming what you imagine your child or teen might be feeling helps them feel seen:
“It seems like that felt really big and unexpected.”

2. Offer structure without shame.
Limits help sensitive kids feel safe, but harshness overwhelms them. Calm, consistent boundaries work best.

3. Slow the moment down.
Your regulated presence becomes their anchor. Think less “fixing” and more “co-regulating.”

4. Normalize emotional intensity.
Let kids know there is nothing wrong with experiencing feelings deeply—it’s part of what makes them who they are.

5. Protect rest and downtime.
Sensitive kids are often depleted by stimulation. Quiet spaces restore them. Silence can feel golden.

6. Be curious, not reactive.
A stance of curiosity (“I wonder what felt hard there?”) opens doors to understanding.

The Richness Beneath the Intensity

When parents begin to see their kids not as “too sensitive” but as deeply feeling, the story shifts. They notice the child or teen’s attunement, compassion, creativity, and capacity for connection. They recognize that the intensity they struggle with is tied to the very qualities they cherish.

Raising a deeply feeling kid asks much of parents—patience, reflection, steady presence—but it also offers a profound gift: the chance to truly know a child or teen who experiences the world with a depth that enriches everyone around them.

And as parents come to understand their kids more fully, the child or teen begins to understand themselves—developing resilience not by shutting down their sensitivity, but by learning how to carry it wisely through the world.

Why Understanding Matters More Than Managing Behavior

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 16:00:00 +0000

For parents of children and teens with big feelings…

Parents often bring their kids to therapy feeling frustrated, confused, or worn down by their child or teen’s behavior. The emotional outbursts, the withdrawal, the snarkiness or refusal to talk — it can all feel overwhelming. In those moments, it’s natural to reach for strategies: What consequence will work? How can I stop the yelling? What can I say to get through?

But from a psychodynamic perspective, we start somewhere deeper.

We begin with understanding — because behavior, especially intense behavior, is almost always a messenger.

Beneath the Behavior

All behavior has meaning. Whether it’s a six-year-old melting down after school or a sixteen-year-old slamming their bedroom door and refusing to talk, what we see on the surface is often just the tip of an emotional iceberg.

A few examples:

A child who refuses to get dressed for school might not be “being difficult,” “lazy” or “slow,” but could be expressing anxiety about social challenges or expectations at school.
A tween who constantly argues might be struggling with the push-pull of growing independence — stuck between being a child and a teenager — wanting to be in control but also craving reassurance that the relationship is still safe.
A teen who retreats behind headphones and sarcasm might be using distance to protect tender, vulnerable, insecure feelings that come with this period of development and that they don’t yet know how to express.

When we pause to wonder what this behavior might be saying, rather than focusing only on how to stop it, we begin to meet the child or teen in their inner world — the place where the real work happens.

The Limits of Quick Fixes

Of course, structure and boundaries are important. Clear expectations help children and teens feel safe. But if our only goal is to manage behavior — to make the outburst stop, to win the argument, to get compliance — we risk missing the emotional meaning underneath.

A reward chart might motivate temporary cooperation, but it doesn’t teach a child what to do with disappointment or frustration.

Taking away a phone or other device might stop the yelling, but if the anger was covering fear or sadness, that feeling remains unaddressed.

Quick fixes can manage symptoms for a time.

Understanding heals the cause.

The Power of Feeling Understood

For children and teens who feel things deeply, being understood is profoundly regulating. When someone takes the time to look beyond the surface, not rush to judgment or take the behavior personally, and they can see that the angry tone might hide hurt, or that the tears about homework might actually be about feeling not good enough, something changes inside.

Understanding is not indulgence. It’s containment. It says, “I see that there’s more happening here, and I can handle it with you.”

When parents and therapists approach behavior with curiosity — “I wonder what this is really about?” — they help the young person develop that same curiosity about themselves. Over time, this builds emotional awareness and resilience.

A Different Kind of Change

In psychodynamic child and adolescent therapy, we work to understand the emotional meaning behind behavior — the fears, hopes, and conflicts that drive what a child or teen does. We explore how their inner world shows up in relationships, including with their parents.

For example:

A child who keeps “acting out” at bedtime may be struggling with separation anxiety or worries they can’t name.
A teen who suddenly withdraws from family dinners might be navigating feelings of overstimulation from the day and it feels safer to recharge on their own.

When these hidden feelings are recognized and acknowledged, behavior often shifts naturally — not because it’s been controlled, but because it no longer needs to shout to be heard. This is where the real change occurs.

Understanding Before Managing

The goal isn’t to abandon boundaries or structure, but to balance them with empathy and curiosity. When we understand what’s happening beneath the surface, our responses become more attuned, and children and teens feel safer to grow, explore, and regulate; to have their big feelings and know they, and you, will be ok.

When we trade management for understanding, we don’t just change behavior — we deepen connection.

And in that connection, healing begins.

🧠 Helping Kids Build Emotional Strength

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 09 Oct 2025 15:00:00 +0000

Emotional regulation and resilience are skills—not traits kids are born with. For kids with more highly sensitive temperaments, strengthening emotional regulation and resilience is a process that takes time and support. So, we’re sharing simple ways you can help your child build emotional strength, one moment at a time. 💪💚

💬 What Is Emotional Regulation?

Kids feel big emotions—and that’s normal. Emotional regulation is about learning to manage those feelings in healthy ways.

With your support, kids can learn to ride the wave instead of getting swept away. 🌊

But remember, this process is a marathon, not a sprint.

🌱 Why It Matters

When kids learn to regulate emotions, they:

✅ Handle stress better

✅ Build stronger relationships

✅ Develop resilience for life’s ups and downs

It’s a gift that lasts a lifetime.

👣 How You Can Help

Here are 4 ways to support your child’s emotional growth:

1️⃣ Acknowledge and name the feeling, but don’t overtalk!

2️⃣ Model calm, patience and self-awareness

3️⃣ Create routines

4️⃣ Celebrate effort

Small steps, big impact. 💚

💛 You Don’t Have to Be Perfect

You don’t need to have all the answers. Just being present, empathic, and consistent helps your child feel safe and supported. Own up when you mess up!

You’ve got this!

We’re here for you and your family. 💬

Helping Your Teen Stay Safe on Social Media

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 18 Sep 2025 15:00:00 +0000

If you’re raising a pre-teen or teen right now, you probably already know how much social media is part of their world. It’s how they connect with friends, discover new interests, and figure out who they are. While that can feel exciting, it can also feel scary as a parent. You might even wonder if the safest choice is to ban social media altogether.

But here’s the truth: social media isn’t going anywhere, and our kids are going to encounter it sooner or later. Instead of keeping them away from it completely, we can use this as an opportunity to help them learn how to use it wisely and safely.

Here are some ways you can support your child as they navigate social media:

1. Teach skills instead of relying on rules.
Rather than only saying “Don’t do this” or “Be careful,” show them how to make safe choices online. Talk about privacy and being mindful about how much personal information is shared as well as being thoughtful about images and words that are posted. Help kids understand the value of thinking carefully before they act. It’s also important to acknowledge that kids are going to run into uncomfortable situations, so talk with them about recognizing when something makes them feel uneasy, sad or bad and how to not engage with it and step away.

2. Help them question what they see.
Kids scroll through so much information every day. Gently encourage them to ask, “Who posted this?”, “Is this a reliable source?”, or “Does this sound too good to be true?” Teach them what sources of information are valid and how to check multiple resources to confirm what they see or hear. These simple habits help them become thoughtful consumers of what they read online.

3. Keep the conversation going.
Instead of one big “talk” about social media, make it a regular part of your chats—like asking about their day at school. Ask what apps are their favorite, what they like about them, or if anything online has felt confusing or upsetting. Show interest if they want to share things with you! The more normal it is to talk about, the more likely they’ll come to you when something feels off.

4. Be the example.
Our kids watch how we use our phones and social media. If we take breaks, think before posting, explain what we are doing, and why and show kindness online, they notice. Modeling speaks louder than rules.

5. Create boundaries together.
Instead of laying down strict rules, try setting limits collaboratively. Things like establishing device shut down times at night or “no devices at the dinner table” can work well when everyone in the family agrees. When kids feel like they’ve had a say, they’re more likely to respect the boundaries.

6. Balance trust with protection.
It’s natural to want to check in on what they’re doing online. Let your child know you’re not trying to invade their privacy, but you do want to make sure they’re safe. As they show more responsibility, you can give them more independence.

The bottom line:
Our kids don’t just need protection from the online world—they need guidance on how to live in it. By staying connected, setting healthy boundaries, and teaching them how to think critically, we give them the tools they’ll carry with them long after they leave home.

Nurturing an Authentic Sense of Self in Pre-Teen Girls

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Tue, 04 Mar 2025 17:00:00 +0000

As a child psychotherapist, I often see pre-teen girls grappling with the challenge of developing an authentic sense of self. This stage of life is filled with rapid developmental changes, both physical and emotional, and it can be difficult for young girls to navigate these changes while staying true to themselves. Here are some strategies that can help pre-teen girls work toward developing an authentic sense of self:

1. Encourage Self-Reflection

Self-reflection is a powerful tool for understanding one's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Encourage your pre-teen to keep a journal where she can express her thoughts and feelings freely. This practice can help her gain insight into her own identity and values.

2. Promote Open Communication

Create a safe and open environment where your pre-teen feels comfortable sharing her thoughts and experiences. Listen actively and validate her feelings without judgment. This will help her feel understood and supported, which is crucial for developing self-confidence.

3. Foster Independence

Allow your pre-teen to make choices and take on responsibilities appropriate for her age. This can include deciding on her hobbies, managing her time, or helping with household tasks. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of autonomy and self-efficacy.

4. Model Authenticity

Children often learn by observing the adults in their lives. Model authenticity by being true to yourself and expressing your own thoughts and feelings honestly. This sets a positive example and shows your pre-teen that it's okay to be herself.

5. Encourage Positive Peer Relationships

Help your pre-teen build and maintain healthy friendships. Positive peer relationships can provide a sense of belonging and support, which is essential for self-esteem. Encourage her to spend time with friends who respect and appreciate her for who she is.

6. Support Interests and Passions

Encourage your pre-teen to explore her interests and passions. Whether it's sports, arts, science, or any other activity, pursuing what she loves can help her develop a strong sense of identity and purpose. Let go of your own goals for her, and help her find her own.

7. Address Media Influence

Discuss the impact of media and social media on self-image. Help your pre-teen critically evaluate the messages she receives and understand that media portrayals are often unrealistic. Encourage her to focus on her own strengths and qualities rather than comparing herself to others.

Conclusion

Developing an authentic sense of self is a journey that requires support, understanding, and encouragement. By fostering self-reflection, open communication, independence, and positive relationships, we can help pre-teen girls navigate this important stage of their lives with confidence and authenticity.

If you have any questions or need further guidance, feel free to reach out. Together, we can support our pre-teens in becoming their true, authentic selves.

Teens Understanding Anxiety: How Talking About Your Feelings Can Help You Feel Better

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Tue, 04 Feb 2025 16:00:00 +0000

Have you ever wondered how to help your teen understand what anxiety is and why talking about their feelings can bring them some relief? If so, here’s what you can say. Read on…

Anxiety can feel like a heavy weight on your chest or a constant buzzing in the back of your mind. It’s normal to feel anxious sometimes, especially when there’s a lot going on in your life. But what if the things that make you anxious aren’t always obvious, even to you? Sometimes, the feelings that cause anxiety are hidden deep inside, and you might not even know they’re there. These hidden feelings are what we call "unconscious" feelings—they’re like things you can’t see, but they still affect how you feel and act.

So, why does talking about your feelings help with anxiety? Well, here’s the thing, when you talk about what’s bothering you, even if you don’t completely understand it, you can start to bring those hidden feelings to the surface. Think of it like digging through the dirt to find a buried treasure. The more you talk, the more you start to uncover the thoughts and feelings that were hidden. Once they’re out in the open, you can begin to make sense of these thoughts and feelings - maybe you see where they’re coming from or can connect them to another time or experience in your life. Once these formerly hidden thoughts and feelings start to make some sense, they don’t have the same power over you anymore.

How, then, are thoughts connected to behaviors? Sometimes we act in certain ways or feel a certain mood without really knowing why. You might find yourself snapping at someone, feeling down for no reason, or avoiding things you normally enjoy. These behaviors are often signs that something inside you is causing stress, even if you're not fully aware of it. When you talk to someone—a therapist, a friend, or a parent—it helps you understand where those feelings are coming from, which can make them feel less overwhelming. When you feel less overwhelmed inside, your behaviors are better on the outside.

Talking doesn’t just help you understand your anxiety, it also helps to relieve it. Why? Because when you put your feelings into words, you make them easier to deal with. You’re no longer carrying them around in silence. It’s like letting out a big sigh after holding your breath for too long. That sigh might not make the problem go away, but it gives you a little more space to breathe and think.

So, if you're feeling anxious, don’t keep it to yourself. Talk about it—whether it’s in therapy or with someone you trust. Talking is like opening a window in a stuffy room; it lets fresh air in, and helps you feel clearer, calmer, and more in control of your emotions.

Making the Sunday Scaries Less Scary 🫣

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Wed, 20 Nov 2024 16:00:00 +0000

Are the “Sunday Scaries” ruining your weekends? As a parent myself, I know a crying, flopping, venting, whining, anxious and/or depressed kiddo will wear everyone down and make the simplest tasks feel impossibly overwhelming. The data say this is very real, and we know it is hard, hard, hard!

Oh, what to do, what to do?

Whenever possible, I like to block off at least an hour of special one-on-one time on Sunday evenings. Yes, part of me would love to focus on an ever growing pile of laundry, but I devote the time to focus on my most anxious child. That time pays dividends and saves me in the long run.

In my house, we typically start with silly games. Our current favorite is “Shoot the Poop.” Yes, shooting fake poop at a plastic talking toilet might seem disgusting, but it’s a great distraction from life’s problems for your child. And guess what? Finding my inner child feels pretty fantastic too. After that, we’ll do some word searches, puzzles or read jokes while snuggling on the couch. Usually, my highly sensitive child says that she’s feeling better after a while. This isn’t the time for a highly competitive game of chess and heavy conversion. It’s just a way of calming down an overwhelmed body and mind.

Wile Sunday Scaries are a great time to work on mindfulness and relaxation, we’re also using the time to focus on healthy attachment and co-regulation which is great for the child AND the parent. We need to model listening to our bodies and accepting that not everything is going to get done perfectly. Work will always be there, and our health and wellness have to come first.

Why not give it a try and see what happens?!

Wishing you less scary, fun Sundays!

Shannon Obed, MSW, LSW

Child Psychotherapist

Child Therapy Chicago

How to Lessen Leaning on Screen with Youngers Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Thu, 18 Apr 2024 16:13:00 +0000

We know that most parents are concerned about the amount of time their children spend on devices and behind screens. It can be especially challenging in high-stress situations, as we often find ourselves turning to technology to help our kiddos calm down when feeling overwhelmed or in a challenging situation or environment. While it’s important to keep a balance between device time and other activities, having a toolbox for tough situations will make it much easier to help your child to better manage their big feelings.

Here are some non-screen ideas to help children to manage emotions:

Do something unexpected: Break the ice! Instead of trying to reason with your child or soothe them in traditional ways, take another route. You can ask them if they want to have a jumping race, a loud laughing contest, play hide & seek, or have a dance battle.

Play a brain game: Attempt to reach your child by redirecting their thoughts to a quick and simple brain game. For example: name 5 blue things, name 5 things you see, tell me your three favorite foods, etc. Helping them to make the shift from the emotional to the logical part of the brain can be especially helpful for a child (and for their parents) who is feeling overwhelmed.

Blow Bubbles: Activities involving breathing techniques can be hugely beneficial for helping children to self-regulate, especially in the case of younger kiddos. Breath work connects our left and right brain, so it’s a great tool to use in high-stress situations. You can blow bubbles in water together, play with bubble sticks, or even blow out candles.

Water Play: Water can be very soothing for children, and incorporating it into helping your child in these moments can have great (and very fun) results. Depending on the situation, some ideas are having a water balloon fight, mopping the kitchen floor, or making a rainbow with food coloring and wet paper towels.

Switch it up: While by no means is it easy to try and help your child calm down while also keeping calm yourself, it can be very powerful to make a drastic change in how you approach the situation. If you’re feeling frustrated, try giving them a big smile. If you notice your voice escalating, start to whisper. If you or your child are close to tears, try to let out a belly-laugh. This shift can work wonders for toddlers.

Music: Music is a very valuable resource for kiddos and adults alike, especially in regards to regulating our emotions. You can incorporate a meditation om chant to teach your child for these moments, put on instrumental music, or create a relaxing playlist along with your child to use when needed.

Next time your child is struggling, try something new instead of reaching for the screen. 😊

About Child Therapy Chicago

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Sat, 06 Apr 2024 18:31:00 +0000

Play Therapy & Counseling, All Ages.

Child or Teen Behavior Problems, Big Emotions or Anxiety?

Free Hour Session For Parents, Call (312) 768-8746.

Spring Break Ideas for Kids and Teens

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Mon, 11 Mar 2024 16:00:00 +0000

With spring break approaching, parents can start to feel overwhelmed with how to fill their kids’ days and how to handle the break in routines and schedules. It can be even more challenging in the case of families with Highlighly Sensitive Children or children and teens who struggle with BIG feelings.

That being said, it’s important to remember that there are also benefits to taking a break, as it provides a time for children’s and teens’ brains and bodies to rejuvenate and if offers the opportunity for families to reconnect and reset. Suddenly having no routines and much less structure means, on the one hand, that we need to plan ahead and try to create some kind of loose schedule to make the time easier to handle, and on the other hand, that we need to let kids have good old fashioned free time. Instead of focusing on empty days and no obligations, think about how to make this time fun for you and your kids AND how to give your kids the space to figure out what to do on their own. Spring Break is a good opportunity to take advantage of some newfound quality time and independence.

Here are some ideas that can help make the most of your time!

Get outside! Spend some time connecting with your kids outside, enjoying the fresh air. Why not plan to plant a garden with your kids, letting them help decide what plants they want and going over how to grow and take care of a home garden.

Get those creative juices flowing! Buy some sidewalk chalk and spend some time drawing with your kids. With younger kids, you can play games practicing writing words and letters, or build a visual story together, which will give you a front-row seat to their imagination and inner-world. For teens, let them show you their art skills. Another option is getting a bunch of magazines together and making a collage with your kids - perhaps of summer “dream” vacation idea or family values, or getting together in the kitchen to try out a new recipe!

Move your bodies! Physical activity and movement is always a good idea, especially when time off school can easily turn into more time with electronic devices. Create an obstacle course to do with your kids, or set up Olympic games for the family with teams for different countries and various tasks and events.

PLAY! It can be easy to fall into patterns. Why not take advantage of this time with less school responsibilities and just enjoy playing with your kids. Break out the board games or teach them a new card game that you played when you were little. Let your child or teen teach you something new.

Indoor Fun! We know how frustrating it can be to feel like the weather is not suitable to get outside, but there are a ton of things you can do to bring the excitement indoors. Build a fort or set up a living room slumber party with sleeping bags on the floor. You can also dedicate an afternoon to going through old family photos or videos, or put together a time capsule to bury or put away until next year at the same time.

Let Them Figure It Out! As parents, we always feel like we have to make sure our kids are doing something constructive at all times. Nope! Breaks are a great time to let children and teens be bored and figure out what they want to do. Maybe you set the boundary of “no electronics” then let them loose. Kids are way more creative than we parents think. Giving them some free rein to figure things out for themselves is hugely beneficial to their self-esteem and independence, too!

While it can be helpful to have a loose plan, or at least some ideas to offer up during the time off school, giving kids some freedom is tremendously valuable, too. The most important thing to do is try to keep an open-mind and prepare to go with the flow. This can be a great time for mental decompression for both you and your kids. Simply being able to try new things and laugh alongside your children and teens can be great for their development and the time-out from “real life” is a gift that we should aim to enjoy to the fullest!

Signs of Anxiety in Children and Teens

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Mon, 05 Feb 2024 17:00:00 +0000

It seems like you can’t go anywhere without hearing about the rise of anxiety in our post-pandemic world. While we’ve come a long way by bringing the conversation about mental health to the forefront, we can’t forget that all of the factors that contribute to our anxiety are also having their own separate effects on our kids.

It is so difficult to try and get inside of our children and teens’ heads and, as parents, we never want to think that even our youngest kids may be struggling with stressors and anxieties. That being said, being aware and being able to get ahead of some of these issues can make all the difference.

How do I know if my child or teen is suffering from anxiety?

CHANGES IN SLEEP

Any kind of sleep trouble can be a sign that your kiddo may be suffering from anxiety. Difficulties falling asleep, wetting the bed, and nightmares can all be related to stress and anxious feelings in children.

CHANGES IN APPETITE

Like with adults, anxiety and other Big Feelings can cause changes in appetite in children too. Things like comfort eating when they are not hungry and/or frequent “I’m not hungry”’s at mealtimes are things to keep an eye out for.

“REAL” PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

One of the first signs of anxiety in kids is the appearance of physical symptoms. Does your child or teen suddenly seem to be having regular stomach problems or headaches? These are common symptoms in kids who are feeling anxious and sometimes used as excuses to get out of school (or other stressful situations).

NERVES

Less patience, constantly feeling nervous, and an inability to cope with unforeseen situations can mean that your child or teen is trying to manage anxiety.

NEEDINESS

Has your child become much more clingy lately? New expressions of increased separation anxiety can be a sign that your child is dealing with overwhelming emotions.

TROUBLE FOCUSING

If you have noticed that your child or teen is having difficulties concentrating on the task at hand, it may mean that they are stressing about something that interferes with their ability to focus.

DECREASING SELF-CONFIDENCE

It’s common for kids who are feeling anxious to become more withdrawn. Seeing a drastic change in their self-confidence or self-esteem can be a sign that they need help.

LOSING THEIR TEMPER

Outbursts or rapid changes in mood can often be the way that anxious thoughts and feelings “come out” for children and teens.

What can I do?

Connect with your kids by empathizing with their feelings

Normalize their feelings and focus on the importance of managing not eliminating the anxiety

Give them tools to feel more calm: breathing, mindfulness, grounding techniques

Model healthy tools for managing anxiety in your day to day life

Co-Regulation of Emotions

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Wed, 03 Jan 2024 17:00:00 +0000

All parents want their children and teens to be able to effectively manage their emotions and feelings to the best of their ability so that they can be as happy as they can be. Most parents understand that part of their responsibility is to help them learn how to do so. This fundamental ability to manage inner thoughts, experiences, and feelings is called Self-Regulation, and one of the best ways to help your child or teen achieve this is through Co-Regulation.

What is Co-Regulation? And what can I do to incorporate it into the relationship I have with my child or teen?

First, it’s helpful to think about what Co-Regulation is not.

It is not being next to your child or teen in every single moment of emotional or behavioral turmoil and does not depend on physical proximity. Actually, attempting to be “too present” can sometimes inhibit your child or teen’s development of Self-Regulation skills. Of course, every kiddo is different, and the actions and responses of parents should take their child or teen’s unique personality, temperament, and developmental stage into account. That being said, the key is to focus on giving just the right amount of support to your child or teen in these stressful moments, the goal being that over time, this amount will slowly decrease. Over time, you should be able to give your child or teen more space and time before intervening in order to provide them with the opportunity to access their inner ability to regulate the emotions that they feel.

Balance.

As with most dynamics of parent-child relationships, balance is the key. It’s important to maintain a high level of affection and a high level of clear and consistent boundaries. While it is by no means easy, especially in high-stress situations, the goal of a parent should be to achieve a balance between validating their child’s or teens emotions and guiding them in facing them head-on in a constructive way.

Take a beat.

When trying to implement Co-Regulation techniques with your child or teen, the best advice we have is to “take a beat”. Like with most things you will go through alongside your child or teen, taking a moment to stop and think, to evaluate the situation, is incredibly helpful. Before rushing to intervene, give yourself (and your child/teen) the opportunity to observe what is happening. Once you have done that, you will be able to show up for your child or teen in the best way possible.

The road to Co-Regulation with the eventual achievement of strong Self-Regulation skills in your child or teen is a long one. Every parent (and child/teen) will develop these skills at different times and at different rates, and as with everything else, it depends a lot on individual experiences. Just remember to be patient, try whenever possible to find a balance, and remember that this is a marathon not a sprint.

It’s Anxiety, Not “Bad Behavior”

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Mon, 11 Dec 2023 17:00:00 +0000

Ever wonder where the feelings of anger or outbursts that your child or teen is experiencing come from? I’m sure you have heard of fight or flight responses, right? Well, most of the time the negative behaviors we see in our kids are fueled by anxiety that comes from the child’s or teen’s perception of a threat, combined with the sudden feeling of being out of control. This is why it’s so important to treat anxiety-fueled behavior (even when it manifests as a tantrum, meltdown, or snarky back-talk), as just that - anxiety, and not as “bad behavior.”

The first step to understanding our child’s or teen’s crazy-making behavior is asking the right questions. Instead of automatically beginning to think of what will make this [behavior] stop, try asking yourself what your child/teen is actually feeling and what they need in this moment to feel more in control so they are able to calm down. When in doubt, simply by remaining calm and showing your kiddo that you are there for them can often help bring the behavior down a few notches. Then there are a few other steps you can take to try and work through the moment completely.

Validate - We often get confused and think that validation means approval or “saying it’s okay.” That’s not necessarily the case. Just focus on letting your child or teen know that you see and hear them, and acknowledging that their reaction is big because their feelings are big. The best thing to do is focus less on how to stop the feelings and more on the feelings themselves. Kids will pick up on this and be less on the defense if they think the adult doesn’t have “an agenda.”

Reflect - The most lasting lessons we can teach our children and teens do not come from punishments when their behavior isn’t what we want it to be. The most valuable teaching moments, where we can create room for change, usually happen in the time after the crisis. We should avoid exhibiting anger or disappointment or inflicting punishment. Instead, we should ask the hard questions to get both us and our kiddos thinking about what is really going on. Starting with the most simple, “What happened?” can often lead to very valuable conversations.

Keep Calm - It’s important to do this not just in the moment (which sometimes can be very difficult), but also in the aftermath. It can be easy to feel overwhelmed by both the child’s/teen’s behavior and our reactions, but this is a marathon not a sprint. Just like adults have moments when their behavior isn’t what they want it to be, so do our kiddos. No one is perfect, and it’s important to be generous with them and with ourselves so that we can commit to bettering ourselves over time.

We should not forget that the work we need to do to manage anxiety and related behaviors is not just in the moment and the immediate aftermath, but in our everyday lives. Some things we can do to help kids learn to manage their anxiety (and practice regularly in calm moments) so that it doesn’t result in angry blowups are:

Breathing Exercises - Teaching kids how to control their breathing as a regulation strategy will literally cause their brain to start the calm-down process and automatically kick in when anxious.

Mindfulness - We know that anxiety only exists when our brains focus too much on the future when we are stressed. If we can use mindfulness techniques to keep our kids in the present moment of a current, specific situation, there is a lot less room for anxiety to slide in.

Sing their Praises - When anger or tantrums become more frequent, it can be easy to focus only on the negative but we need to make sure we take time to build up our kiddos and focus on their strengths.

Anxiety doesn’t have to rule our kids or us. It’s a sign that something needs our attention. So, paying attention to the underlying cause of the anxiety instead of focusing on behavior change is a much more valuable lesson that we can all carry for a lifetime.

Empathy on the Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Mon, 13 Nov 2023 17:00:00 +0000

Empathy: A word we hear more and more today, especially in discussions about children/teens and their emotional development. What exactly is empathy? Empathy is being able to put ourselves in someone else’s situation in an effort to feel what they are feeling. Sounds easy enough, right? Not always. It often gets confused with sympathy, which means feelings bad for someone. It can be difficult to practice (and even more difficult to teach) empathy when we don’t necessarily agree with or understand the other person’s feelings. The most important thing is keeping in mind that just because we do not cognitively process what that feeling “means”, we can still help this other person move through their feelings how they see fit. Any adult knows how an empathetic friend or loved one can make us feel better even in the worst moments, but the need for empathy is probably even greater when it comes to our kiddos. Why? Because empathy fosters a sense of belonging, a necessity for children and teens in all of their stages of development. When they are shown empathy (by modeling behavior), they feel worthy of the love and support they are receiving. They feel heard, seen, and understood. They don’t feel alone.

Like many other pillars of emotional intelligence, empathy is particularly important for Highly Sensitive Kiddos. Because it tends to be harder for them to manage their feelings and reactions, and they are prone to more frequent meltdowns, a parent’s main goal is often to get them to calm down. How can we expect anyone, much less an upset child or frustrated teen, to calm down if they don’t feel understood? Think about it… imagine being in a disagreement or a tough situation that was making you feel anxious and out of control. If someone that you cared about said, “Oh, stop being silly, it’s not a big deal at all,” how would that make you feel?

That being said, the necessity of “building” our empathic skills as adults is just as important. Our kids have much higher levels of neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity refers to the connections that neurons make in our brains and how they are either strengthened or begin to fade away depending on how often they are used. This means that everything we say, and especially everything we do, directly impacts the connections that our kiddos’ brains are developing (or not). We know that the connections we use frequently as a child are much more likely to be used frequently as an adult. If we can model empathy ourselves on a consistent basis for our children and teens, they are much more likely to internalize the lessons and also much more likely to be empathetic adults.

How can we strengthen our own capacity for empathy and help our kids do the same?

Observe others (body language, facial expressions, tone of voice) to try and guess what they might be feeling.

Embrace diversity by making it a point to discuss the differences among people and the value that it brings to so many situations while also recognizing our similarities.

Discuss both global current events and the current events of your child/teen/family (their day at school, family experiences, etc.) to promote a greater understanding of others.

Discuss ethical dilemmas in “real life situations,” especially with teenagers, as it can be very helpful to give them situations and discuss what they would do. “My friend doesn’t like the new girl at school, should I ask her to sit at lunch with us anyway?” Or, “I know that [friend] lied to [other friend], is it my job to get involved?”

Be open to conflict resolution and make your child or teen an active participant. It’s important that kiddos aren’t afraid to work out problems and that they see why conflict resolution is important and how it helps all parties involved. This also teaches them so many important skills that contribute to developing their sense of empathy — how to express themselves freely but respectfully, how to be assertive when need be, how to listen, how to give and take criticism, etc.

Remember… empathy is about trying to understand something from another’s perspective - it’s not about agreeing, disagreeing or being sympathetic. Empathic understanding can feel very supportive to someone on the receiving end, it makes it so much easier to relate to others, and it helps us all become more tolerant and reflective. These are all wonderful skills for healthy interpersonal experiences!

Conversation Starters When The World Feels Scary

noreply@blogger.com (Denise Duval, PhD, LCSW) — Mon, 16 Oct 2023 13:36:00 +0000

The world can be a scary place sometimes, and some days it feels scarier than others. While, as parents, we would love nothing more than to limit our childrens’ fears to the monsters under the bed, there are moments when that just isn’t possible. With the increasing amount of scary and horrific things on the news these days, it’s important to be conscious of how our children are affected. There is no one-size-fits-all guidebook with answers for parents regarding what to do, and although we cannot guarantee the ability to protect our children from everything, we can do our best to make them feel safe with us in our homes.

It can be tempting to try to shield our youngest kiddos from the bad things in the world, but it can be helpful to start conversations with even preschool-aged children if you know they have been exposed to certain information. Even very young children can sense when there’s something wrong or something big happening around them and, as parents, we can control the information they receive and make sure they are able to express themselves in times of uncertainty or stress.

How to start the conversation:

Preschoolers/Kindergarteners: A lot of grown ups have been talking about this event (very few details). Do you have any questions for me?

Older kids/teens: Find out what they know. What do you know about what’s going on in (current event)? What do you think? How are you feeling?

Things to keep in mind:

The most important thing is to find out what they already know and how they are feeling, then go from there.
Keep their age in mind. It’s important for kids to know what is going on around them, but we must also keep them safe from distress. Use age-appropriate language.
Focus on the positive. It can be helpful to shift the conversation to the “good” aspects that tend to exist amongst crises - talk to your kids about acts of courage and kindness that people are experiencing.
Check in on what they are being exposed to, all that they are seeing and hearing. It’s important to correct any inaccurate information they may be receiving.
Limit the input. When the news is filled with upsetting images and scary headlines even adults can quickly feel overwhelmed. Consider limiting the frequency of media consumption at home with/around your kids.
Take care of yourself. The best way to help our kids cope with the scary outside world is to find healthy ways to cope ourselves. Children model our behavior and will pick up on the peace of mind you can provide them with.
Finally, remember that we don’t always have the answers to every question, and that’s OK.

Check out our other blog posts about Helping Your Teen Deal with Trauma and Help Children: How to Talk to Children About Traumatic Events

Other Helpful Resources:

When the World Feels Like a Scary Place: Essential Conversations for Anxious Parents and Worried Kids

What to Do When the News Scares You: A Kid’s Guide to Understanding Current Events

(Source: https://www.apa.org/topics/schools-classrooms/middle-school-resilience)