Chirpings from a Little Sparrow

What YOU say, and what WE hear

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Mon, 19 Oct 2015 19:48:00 +0000

Please don't say, "I know how you feel."
What we hear: That what we're struggling with has a limit...that it can be measured. You're not trying to understand how we feel, you just assume you already know. And since you "just got through it" you expect that we should too. It insinuates that our problem is "no big deal"...not huge for us.

It is completely impossible to fully understand how a person with depression feels. Everyone has bouts of feeling depressed...that is, feeling sad...and there's a huge difference in that from actually HAVING depression. Feeling sad is VERY a wide spectrum. So is feeling happy.

Please don't say, "Just replace those negative thoughts with positive ones."
What we hear: That it's our fault we are so depressed. This is something we could just snap out of if we just try hard enough. Right?

Believe me, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, I WISH IT COULD BE THAT SIMPLE!

Please don't say, "You have nothing to be depressed about!"
What we hear: The fact that we are depressed is pathetic. Nothing in our lives could possibly be that bad.

Because really, it could very well be nothing at all! It could very well be everything! Sometimes depression is definitely circumstantial, but more often than not, there is a chemical imbalance that we have no control over. That's where the "NOTHING" comes from.

Please don't say, "At least you're not____" or "You are much better off than so many other people."
What we hear: That we are not grateful enough for what we have, and that in comparison to certain other situations, our depression is minor.

This is a reminder we don't need. We are not homeless. We are not dying of a terminal illness. We are not starving in some far off impoverished country. Umm...YES! We know this! Of course we know this! So before I resort to the very called for, "DUH!" let me be very clear...Never would I EVER, in a million lifetimes, minimize any. single. thing that someone else is going through. Nothing! Ever! Because nothing should ever, ever, ever be minimized! I just ask that you do the same for me.

Please don't say, "You shouldn't have to take that medication to feel better."
What we hear: That you think you're smarter than the doctors who prescribed this medication to us. That you don't actually see this disorder as a "real problem" and we don't actually need to do anything to treat the CHEMICAL PROBLEM in our BRAIN.

This is probably the AB-SO-LUTE WORST thing you could possibly say to a person! Leave it to the doctors...the professionals! PLEASE! Saying these words could really put someone else's life in danger!

“Depression has many possible causes, including faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. Many chemicals are involved, working both inside and outside nerve cells. There are millions, even billions, of chemical reactions that make up the dynamic system that is responsible for your mood, perceptions, and how you experience life.” {SOURCE}

Please don't say, "You can CHOOSE to be happy."
What we hear: Obviously we don't WANT to be happy. We are choosing to stay in this suffering state, and not trying hard enough to get out of it.

{I cannot convey to you enough how much I HATE this phrase!!! No I mean it...it truly makes my blood boil!}

But really, though?? I mean...REEEEAAAALLLLYYY???!!!!
Thankfully no one has said this to me for a very long time...and, honestly, if anyone ever does again, believe me when I say that you'll be seeing a side of me you won't expect.
But I've heard this said to other people who are suffering. For the sake of the sufferer, I've been holding my tongue. But I'm not going to do that anymore. From now on, anyone who says this is going to get a mouth-full from me. Friends, if you hear this from someone, you need to immediately remove that person from your life. They are TOXIC!!!

So....instead of saying all of these things...here are some things you could say instead...

"I believe you are suffering. You are seen and heard."

"I know I will never be able to fully understand this part of you, but I want to try."

"Can I do anything to help you?" {typically the answer to this one is, nothing, but it is still nice to hear from someone}

Say absolutely nothing. Just be with the person. Give them a shoulder to cry on. Hug them.

And if you don't agree with anything at all that I've said here, that's okay. That's your choice. So if you take nothing else away from this, at least understand this part...

Just walk away. You don't need to say anything. You don't need to "pretend" that you care. If you don't truly believe in a person's suffering, that person doesn't need you in their life. Leave.

Harsh? Maybe. I'm typically not harsh. But this stuff NEEDED to be said.

A Hodge-Podge of Words

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Sun, 11 Oct 2015 04:35:00 +0000

I've been...away.

Words have not been coming easily.

I started writing posts on three different topics over the past three weeks. And I WILL finish them, and they WILL get posted. But my brain has been so distracted recently. I can't keep my mind focused on one thing to save my life!

I've always liked staying busy, because I get bored easily and I enjoy stimulation. But most recently, I've NEEDED to stay busy. I've NEEDED to be around people constantly. Down time is not okay with me at the moment. Yes, I'm so tired, and yes I should probably relax but I can't. My brain races.

I'm thankful for all of the beautiful children in my life. I'm thankful for the way they progress in my classes. I'm thankful for the joy of dance exuded from each of them. They make me smile...they make me want to get up and start each day.

The people in my life are wonderful. Sometimes I just need to be "talked down" from a situation I've built up way too much in my head. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me that how I'm feeling isn't "completely ridiculous". Sometimes I just need to get completely out of my head, and simply have some fun. Like I said...I need people...and mine are pretty great :))

So...my mind has been turning in some pretty vicious circles in recent weeks...and it is not pretty {even this post has no center...and is all over the place}. BUT! Life is still good!

I'll be coming back. I'll be writing again...I will.

No longer turning away...

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 19:23:00 +0000

I made a promise to myself a long time ago...

If I see someone struggling, or feeling hopeless and purposeless, I would not turn a blind eye to it. I would not just ignore what I was seeing.

I have not done a very good job of keeping that promise to myself.

Oh, I spend a ton of time advocating and spreading mental health awareness. I write posts here on this blog, and I post other articles, quotes, or info-graphics on my Facebook news feed. And one of the main reasons I do this, is so that other people know that they are not alone in their struggles...that someone else UNDERSTANDS.

But is that really enough?
So many things on social media can just be missed, or scrolled right through.

I've been thinking of one beautiful young lady in particular recently. She has been very heavy on my heart. I always watch for her...she is a very eloquent writer, but her words are filled with sadness and pain. And when I read them, my mind floods with memories of my own lowest points. I hear her heart, and I feel her hurts...because they have been my own too. I also see other words of "advice" written to her from incredibly well-meaning, but completely unaware people. And while they WANT to be encouraging, all they are doing is minimizing and invalidating her struggles...or making her feel bad FOR feeling bad. And the important people in her life who SHOULD be her strongest supporters, see very little value in her.

Been there...experienced ALL of that.

All I want to do is reach out to this girl. I want to let her know that she is SEEN!
But then my typical excuse kicks in...

It's not the right time. I'll talk to her...just not yet.

But that excuse is not okay anymore. Because she's running out of time...before the never-ending abyss of depression and anxiety swallows her whole. And then it will be too late.

So, I am asking for prayer as I reach out to her...

That I would have the right words to encourage her, and that she would be receptive to what I have to say. Also that I would be very sensitive to her own personal circumstances. As much as I can identify with her struggles, my walk is very different from hers. Right now, I need start off being as identifiable as I can to her, without making her feel like I'm "pushing" anything. I wish I could go into more detail, but I can't...it's just so hard to explain. But there are just certain things about MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that will not be at all helpful to her...at least not right now.

Many of you know what I mean.

I always say I want to help people who suffer the way I did {and sometimes still do!}...

It's time to take a step forward, and do that!

Why most fiction novels seem so superficial to me now

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 03:53:00 +0000

I had a few books I wanted to read this summer...
And a few of them were fiction.

But the one I picked first...well...it made the other choices so completely not worth my time!

Like, why in the world would I read something like THAT after something like THIS...

Psst!...You guys!...This book is AH-MAZE-ING!!!

At first I just didn't know what to do or think after finishing it! I didn't have any words, and at the same time, about a million and one things filled my mind!

A simple plot description, or even the description from the inside cover would NOT do this justice! It's so much better than a "blurb" could ever describe it.

The writing is extremely intelligent, grabs at your emotions, and fills you with excited energy at the same time! The story is {very basically} about depression, being an outcast, and why having a best friend is the most important thing in the world. Okay, okay, so I know that seems like it's all very HEAVY...and it is...but please, hang in there with me for a little bit! Don't stop reading here, because I promise you won't regret it. Without giving you any spoilers, I reeeeaaaallllyyyy want to let you in on this book :))

You meet two main characters, and each chapter alternates between their two perspectives. The first one is called Finch...and I adored him! He's so fascinated with death, but he always finds a reason to stay alive. His character is so spontaneous and lively, but also very raw and real...and so identifiable to me! The things that he deals with in his life...oh, this author KNEW. WHAT. SHE. WAS. TALKING. ABOUT. I give her so much credit for creating a PERFECTLY realistic character with mental illness. Reading about the way his brain worked, and how his thoughts spiraled around, all I could think was, "Wow. Yes. It's like reading the words in my own mind." Most of the time I couldn't even believe what I was taking in, because Jennifer Niven made it so, so real, that it seemed as though it wasn't! {If that makes any sense at all...ha!}

And then there's Violet...Violet, who has recently lost her older sister in a car accident. While Finch does everything he can to find anything good in his TODAY, Violet has a "what's the point of life" mentality. She is trying so hard to move on without her sister, but she is trapped in the vicious cycle of guilt, and trying to stay inside the safety of the mold of what other people think she should be.

Both wanting so badly to just escape their own pain, they are thrown together into a school project, and go off on a journey across Indiana {which, that by itself is very cool because it gave me plenty of ideas of places that I now HAVE to see in my home state!}. And during this journey, they discover beauty in the most unexpected places, and they connect in the most unexpected ways.

I think the way I'm describing this story could never really convey the awesome-ness that it is! It captures every emotion, and portrays so accurately the reality of the abyss of depression. But at the same time, the author adds a sweet, lively, quirky tone to the writing that lessens the "heaviness" of the topic, without downplaying the seriousness of it.

You don't have to have experienced depression, or death, or pain to read this novel. It just draws you in, and suddenly you're simply enjoying the ride with Violet and Finch. You grow to love them and feel for them. They become part of you, and you'll want to stay long after the last page is over. This is the kind of book that will make you feel, simultaneously, numb AND frazzled. {Like I said earlier, I just didn't know what to do or think when it was over!} It will cause you to see the world differently, and you'll want to get up and DO SOMETHING!...to do something to SAVE people like our two main characters.

Pick it up! Read it! Share it with someone else!

But also be prepared for the fact that you may need a long, long, long time to recover from it before moving on to another contemporary fiction book ;))

5 Myths You've Probably Believed About Medication

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 03:00:00 +0000

It's a touchy subject I know.

Not many people want to talk about mental health. It can really be a hot button topic, and difficult because it's also a very sensitive topic.

But there is such stigma surrounding it...

|| STIGMA {noun}: a set of negative, and often unfair, beliefs that a society or group of people have about something. ||

And one of the biggest stigmas surrounding mental health is about medication.

So I've decided to shed some light on the subject.

{{Now this is not just from my experience. This is from the experience of many others, and it's also backed up by research. I would not share any of this with you if I didn't have FACTS for you. Believe me, people who give their personal, uninformed opinions and anecdotes bother me just as much as it does the rest of you.}}

Here are 5 "myths" about medication...replaced by TRUTH...

{1} Myth: Medication will make you "numb".

Truth: Finding a medication that works is a "trial and error" process. If you start on one that completely changes you, and makes you feel too mellow or subdued...then you need to try a different one, or maybe a different dosage of the one you are on. Certain types can also "tweak" some anxiety, making it worse {and sometimes unbearable!} for awhile. But that side effect typically doesn't last for more than the first week or two, until your body adjusts, which is why it's essential to "hang in there" with it for awhile before giving up on it totally. But it is completely false that all meds will change your entire personality.

{2} Myth: All you need to overcome depression/anxiety is more willpower...the "just try harder" mentality.

Truth: Let me ask you this...if your child falls out of a tree and breaks her leg, and she's in a great deal of pain and can't walk, would you say to her, "You just aren't trying hard enough to get better"? Or...if you're lying in bed with pneumonia, do you think you can just WILL your body to heal itself? That's ridiculous right? You treat the problem. A disorder of the mind, like depression and anxiety, is a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected. It doesn't matter how much willpower you try to muster up. If your chemistry is off, you can't "fix yourself" with self-talk. Just as a broken bone is extremely physically painful and shows up on an x-ray, or pneumonia is an infection that attacks the body, a chemical imbalance {even if you can't SEE it} is just as real and TREATABLE.

{3} Myth: Going on medication means that you are "crazy".

Truth: A lot of people associate mental illness with school shootings and/or other violent episodes. There is a spectrum to mental illness. But people don't want to be perceived as "mad" or "mental". Above, I talked about a chemical imbalance. Depression is a symptom of that imbalance. It doesn't make you weak or lazy, and especially not crazy! Even the highest levels of mental illness {personality disorder, schizophrenia, etc.} have symptoms that subside and lessen when treated with medication.

{4} Myth: Antidepressants are addictive.

Truth: It is very important to communicate with your doctor about the medication you are taking. Let's go back to the "trial and error" concept. Just like when it's making you feel worse or "numb", if your meds make you feel TOO GOOD, or more UP than you should be, that's a red flag, and your doctor should know about it...because that's when it could be dangerous. AND! Once again, that's when it's time to switch to something else. Hence, trial and error.

{5} Myth: Someone you know took antidepressants and got terrible side effects from it, so you will probably experience it too.

Truth: This truth is pretty simple and doesn't need much explanation...
Medication affects every person differently. One person's side effects and problems with ONE KIND of medication, are not going to be the same for you.

Now, don't get me wrong...

I am all for other methods of treatment!

There's cognitive behavioral therapy {CBT}...which can be great as long as you have a good therapist, and self-talk alone is helpful for you.

There's natural remedies, such as over the counter {OTC} supplements, and essential oils.

And many more!

And I've seen these things work for people...and I think it's great! But some people are a bit more "treatment resistant". And it takes something extra...something more...to truly help them get better.

I would love to hear from ANYONE on this subject! Have you been affected by depression and anxiety, or other mood disorders? Do you take medication, or do you have other ways of dealing with it? Did I miss anything here that should maybe be added to this list of "MYTHS"? Let's talk, and let's end the stigma together!

I've got the Music in Me!

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Sat, 05 Sep 2015 16:36:00 +0000

Linking up with Bailey @ Brave Love today...haven't really been keeping up with the #blogtember challenge, but I was pretty excited to start here!

Today's Blog-tember challenge is to put your music playlist on shuffle and share the first 10 songs that play.

I was pretty excited to try this. Being a dance teacher and choreographer...plus a girl with such wide music interests, from classical, to oldies, to Broadway, to Top 40, to movie scores...I have quite a "hodge-podge" of music on my phone! I couldn't wait to see what came up!

Without further ado...my TOP 10...

{1} Adagio in G minor for Strings & Organ

Oh I am so happy this one popped up first! This is probably my most favorite classical piece EVER! I saw a pas de deux {ballet duet} done to this that took my breath away & brought tears to my eyes! This piece gives me chills! Even if you're not a die-hard classical music fan like me, listen to it anyway. It's so soothing, it will completely de-stress your mind!

{2} Good Morning by Mandisa {ft. Toby Mac}

I haven't listened to this in awhile! It's a good way to wake up :))

{3} Shake it Out by Florence + the Machine

Because you just can't have a playlist without Florence! I so love her music because not a single one of her songs is like the other!

{4} Promises in the Dark by Pat Benatar

Oooh, I got lucky here! This is my favorite Pat Benatar song! Such a HUGE voice for such a tiny person, haha! And the note that she hits at 2:39 ish...ohhh myyyy goodnesssss!

{5} Your Song by Ellie Goulding

The sweetest cover of the Elton John song! I used this song for one of my solo dancers in our summer recital this year!

{6} Breath of Life by Florence + the Machine

Ah, more Florence! But, of course! This song, from "Snow White and the Huntsman", is possibly the most epic, incredible song she's ever done! There is not much like it anywhere else! For those who know me well, you'll think a song like this is out of character for me...haha! Not so! I'm DYING to choreograph this one! THAT would be a stretch for me!

{7} 50 Ways to Leave your Lover by Paul Simon

Haha, here's a funny little oldie for ya! Paul Simon {as in Simon & Garfunkle} is awesome :))

{8} Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins

Because.......yeah.

No explanation needed :))

{9} When it Comes by Tyler Hilton

I actually heard this song on the show "One Tree Hill" and loved it! I use this a lot for warm-ups for my students in my dance classes.

{10} Caislean Oir by Clannad

Because no playlist is complete without a serene, Irish Gaelic song! Probably sounds odd to some, but I really love Clannad! And for you those of you who have heard of Enya, Clannad's lead singer is Enya's sister! I just think they make beautiful music, even though it's very New Age-y.

and here's 5 extra because it's fun!

Danse Macabre by Camille Saint-Sans

{if the first song is my favorite classical piece ever, this is my second! LOL! it's such a fun piece, played often around halloween. If you listen to it, it'll be obvious why.}

Sparks and Shadows by Twila Paris

{i was totally obsessed with her growing up! such an icon in Christian music in the 90s and early 00s}

Eric's Song by Vienna Teng

{another unknown. worth listening to. she wrote an entire love song without using the word "love". it's perfect.}

Stand in the Rain by Superchic[k]

Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac

{cool! i didn't think they would come up, haha! they are my favorite oldie group.}

So what is playing on YOUR playlist right now??

One Down...

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Fri, 04 Sep 2015 21:37:00 +0000

...And a whole lot more to go.

So...this has been a good week.

And I mean, a really really good week!

Probably because I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. I finally got to go back to ballet class after a six week break {can we say, WAY TOO LONG?!}, a new choir season has begun, I've gotten a whole new group of dance students at one location, and I'm getting ready to welcome another group of students at another location!

But I think the main reason is because I was able to accomplish one of my "easier" goals.

Cleaning and redecorating my room.

And I love it! It's sweet and elegant...like Audrey Hepburn, who is pretty much the "theme" to my room. The "Tiffany Blue" color of the sheets make me so happy and relaxed, and I plan to add other accents in that color later.

The "newness" of all of this...and the fact that it's actually CLEAN...just makes me feel 10 times better about everything else. Even about just BEING IN my room!

Now...the moving forward part...this is where things get tricky.

A good week like this...several days in a row of feeling THIS GOOD...

I have no idea when the inevitable "drop" is going to come, or how I'm going to handle it.

Redecorating the room...and GETTING it clean...that was the easy part. Or...well...relatively easy, in comparison to the rest of this...

KEEPING the room clean.
Sticking to a schedule for practicing music, & for writing.
Growing in my relationship with God.
Exercising regularly {apart from my Monday night ballet class}
Finding a way of eating that works for me {including learning to plan meals ahead of time to avoid "food anxiety'}.

That last one is going to be the toughest one...and if I spent time going into all of the "whys" about it, we'd be here for a long time.

So I'll just say this..."eating plans" always, always, ALWAYS equal unhealthy thoughts for me. I've tried so many different tactics. I always end up back in a very bad place.

{Someday I'll write more about this...it's just not the right time.}

Really, they are all going to be hard. And most people would wonder why...because for most people all of these things are just part of a normal lifestyle. However, people with mood disorder aren't normal. I've said before that it makes what should be everyday tasks, a lot harder.

Which is why a good week like this is scary...but I'm learning how to enjoy this "UP", and to take advantage of it and make it great...and trying very hard to not worry about how long it's gonna last before I "go down again."

One down...and a whole lot more to go.

I'll Never Get Tired of...

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Thu, 03 Sep 2015 19:43:00 +0000

I'll never get tired of...

Watching birdies on the bird feeder.

Having "Friends" or "Gilmore Girls" episodes on in the background while doing something else.

{Like right now..."Friends" is my background soundtrack}

Sweet iced tea & Coffee {in pretty much any form}!

Going to ballet class.

Making new friends.

Taking naps in the middle of the day.

Beautiful sunsets.

Watching old musicals...Singin' In the Rain, Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, My Fair Lady...the possibilities are endless!

Falling asleep to the sound of a thunderstorm.

Attending services at my AMAZING church!

Getting dressed up.

Really, really long walks.

Thinking about happy things like this :))

An Unexpected Blessing

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Tue, 25 Aug 2015 04:11:00 +0000

In my post from last week, I wrote about how scary and hard it is for me to be vulnerable.

Tonight I had an opportunity to put that to the test.

I got to join my roommate's Bible study, and just those couple of hours spent with some other beautiful ladies, whom I didn't even know well, blessed me so much!

On my way back to my apartment after running errands, I knew all the girls would already be there, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do once I arrived. I was having a pretty low day, and I felt very antisocial and down. The majority of me just wanted to slip quietly into my bedroom and lay low for the rest of the night. But I also knew that if they asked me to join them, I would feel bad about saying no.

So, they asked...and I said yes...and that was a good decision.

We talked A LOT and had A LOT of good discussion so I won't talk about all of it, because there are probably so many tangents I could go off into...and probably would, HA! But I will say the greatest things I took away from this time tonight...

Sharing a prayer request with a group.

I remember doing this all the time when I was in youth group, high school Bible studies, college groups of all kinds {which is pretty much expected when you go to a small Christian college}...but I hadn't shared anything about myself in front of other people in such a long time. And it was such a relief to talk about something I was struggling with. I didn't have to go into detail. I didn't drag it out. But it was so unbelievably helpful to ask the other girls to pray for me...and to know that they probably would. And most of them hadn't even met me before tonight!

It was such a blessing I wasn't expecting...

I think that's what I've been missing...I spend so much time thinking about {and obviously writing about!} how much I want things to change, and how hard I can be on myself...and it's always, "what can I do to fix this?" But I think what I need to start saying is, Please pray for me. That's all. Pray for me. I trust God, but I don't trust myself to be able to deal with the "tough stuff" that comes with making changes. I'm ready...like really ready now...to start *fighting* instead of *fleeing*. To persist when things get difficult instead of just giving up. But I also wonder if I'll be able to hold onto any of this. I always try to avoid pain {particularly emotional pain} because when it becomes heavy enough, I end up crawling back under the covers and saying, "Forget it, I can't do this."

This is, unfortunately, the nature of mood disorder.

...and I'm soooooo sick of it. Like...so ridiculously SICK. OF. IT. And as many times as I've said that {A LOT!} I think I've finally hit the point of actually being sick and tired *OF* BEING sick and tired!
But at the same time I'm so terrified of it changing, because I've never known anything different.
Terrified, like, feeling my insides shaking, and fighting away the inevitable ugly crying that is going to come with this ACT OF SURRENDER.
But it has to happen.

Thank you to those of you who read this blog.
Thank you to those of you who pray.
Thank you to those of you who are TRUE FRIENDS who STAND BY ME.

linking up with Emily over at Ember Grey blog today :))

UNTITLED...

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Mon, 17 Aug 2015 23:12:00 +0000

I'm working with an incredible voice teacher right now.

I HEARD her sing first...and my mind was completely blown! Her voice was so high and light...beautiful the way it resonated off every part of the room. I'm so fortunate to now have her as my teacher.

I hadn't done much singing at all in the past year and a half {other than choir...which I LOVE!}. Plus, I lost my voice for several weeks while teaching in the classroom. So, my singing voice, particularly my high notes, are no where near where they used to be...and it should be the opposite. I studied opera through part of high school, and all through college. I saw how my voice grew and developed, and now it's gone backwards.

Just like with ballet...if you don't use it, you lose it.

During the past several lessons I've had with this new teacher, I've been so frustrated with the fact that my high notes just don't come out anymore. I used to be able to hit, and sustain notes ABOVE high C...and to not even be able to get up to a C anymore has been disappointing. During warm ups, I try, and when it doesn't happen, I react with pure lack of confidence.

But today she said, "It's a risk. There's a vulnerability to it. And it's scary. But TAKE the risk...take the plunge. This is a safe space."

Vulnerability...

Risk...

The two scariest words in my vocabulary. And why?

I've wanted to enter voice competitions before...but I stop myself because I don't think I'm good enough.

I want to enter now, just for the experience...for the feedback...and because singing is FUN for me!

I have, like, TEN topics in my head to write about...but I stop myself from writing them, because I convince myself that no one actually wants to read what I have to say.

The people who MATTER will read it...those people who really do care. And writing is FUN for me!

On my 101 in 1001 LIST, I said that I want to learn a ballet variation and perfect it...but then I think, what would be the point of that? I'm not going to be able to do it.

And why not? Why not just do it because it's FUN, and it's GOOD for me?

I was very underwhelmed by my own choreography this summer. My students all danced very well, but I couldn't get excited about my work this time. It felt very inadequate.

Okay? So? I'm growing as a choreographer all the time. So what if I've hit a "lull"...it can only become better, right?

I've taken the risk, and been vulnerable with people in my life. They eventually decide that they are tired of Emily's "ups & downs" and walk away.

Again...the people who MATTER will stay. The rest don't matter.

"Take the risk...Take the plunge."

After leaving college, I learned how to find a new sense of confidence. The way everyone saw me during my college years, and even before college, didn't matter anymore because I was a completely different person. All I cared about was who I was in THE NOW.

What happened to that? Why is my fight or flight response ALWAYS *flight*...or *freeze*? Never *fight*. My gut reaction is always, "But I don't think I can..."

Returning to singing was a good choice. I have a teacher who is going to push me to "the plunge"...and that's a very good thing right now. I'm gonna need that.

The One where HE writes this time!

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Fri, 14 Aug 2015 17:58:00 +0000

I never wanted to go this long with no posts.

Between not having a working computer...and a lack of inspiration...it just didn't happen.

BUT TODAY...

I have something very lovely to share with all of you.

Someone DID get inspired recently! And he has written something for me to share with all of you!

So enjoy John-David's writing today...

***

So, after I got off work the other night, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows on Netflix. In the middle of the show, there is an exchange between the two main characters. And one of the characters said something that was almost SPOT ON with something I've always wondered when it comes to how God views our relationship with Him. Especially when we do something that displeases Him.

To set up the exchange you are about to read...the show is "Doctor Who". The two characters are the Doctor and his traveling companion, Clara. Clara's boyfriend just died in a horrible car accident, and she wants the Doctor to use his time machine to bring him back to life. But in asking the Doctor to do this, she tries to control him by throwing away all the keys to his time machine if he tells her that he won't help. After revealing to her that everything she just did was the result of a dream that the Doctor induced on Clara to see how far she would go, he says he will help her get her boyfriend back.

The following conversation is word for word...

CLARA: You're going to help me?

THE DOCTOR: Why wouldn't I help you?

CLARA: Because of what I just did.

THE DOCTOR: You betrayed me, betrayed my trust. You betrayed our friendship. You betrayed everything I've ever stood for. You let me down!

CLARA: Then why are you helping me?

THE DOCTOR: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

{A couple minutes later...}

CLARA: I don't deserve a friend like you.

THE DOCTOR: I'm exactly what you deserve.

When I heard the doctor say those things, it literally made me pause the show and think about how that's just like God. Despite everything we do as humans to disappoint Him, He still wants to be our best and closest friend and help us. Now, that doesn't mean He'll give us everything our hearts desire. Because, like children, what we want isn't always what's best for us. What it does mean, is that no matter what we do to Him and His reputation, it has no bearing on how He views our relationship to Him. He still wants to be there for us and help us achieve the great things He has in store for us...if we let Him.

Thank you, God...for your little reminders of who you are through everyday things!

15 things that make me INSANELY happy!

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Fri, 31 Jul 2015 18:58:00 +0000

It's been a crazy week! Because it's RECITAL TIME!! I'm super excited and nervous about it...and the preparation process has kept me very, very busy this month. Which explains why I've had to leave this little blog on the back burner for a bit. I haven't even had time to think about something to write. I have a list of posts and topics to write about, but no time to actually figure out what they are going to say...HA!

ANYWAYS...

Trying to CHANGE MY PERSPECTIVE and break through my mental blocks has proven to be very difficult over the last few days.

So, today I thought maybe I should tune into what puts a smile on my face. I'm not sure if it's actually going to help. But at least it will be written out where I can see it regularly...

{1} When someone gives me an unexpected gift.

My love language is GIFTS. Which doesn't make me a materialistic person...it just shows that someone was thinking of me...that they put time and effort into picking something out for me. It shows that they obviously know me well, and that something can remind them of me :))

{2} Little girls in Tutus...

Because...well...yeah, obviously :))

{to read about how dancing and teaching dance saved my life, CLICK HERE!!}

{3} ANTIQUES!!

I get so goofy happy when there are antiques in the room! They are so fascinating and exciting to look at! I always feel like I was born in the wrong time period. And one of the reasons is because I get completely GIDDY around old, pretty things :))

{4} Babies...

Like...this little sweet boy...right here...

Although he's getting so big now :))

{5} Puppies!!......no explanation needed :))

{6} Traveling and seeing mountains

I think I love mountains so much because they are so majestic. When I am in the mountains, I feel so much closer to God and I'm reminded of how majestic HE is! I think they are the most beautiful, incredible things in His creation.

{7} Warm hugs :))

"Hi! I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!" Haha...I think that's the main reason I like Olaf from "Frozen" so much! I love hugs from EVERYONE! Especially my students!

{8} Discount Bookstores

There is a gigantic bargain bookstore in my area and every time I go in there, I get all the warm fuzzies :)) Weird girl? Haha, maybe...but I just love it so much! I'll spend hours in that place, combing through each individual book making sure I don't miss anything. Especially on the two and a half {long!} aisles full of books that are only a dollar a piece!!! GAAAHHH!!

{9} Deep conversations with close friends.

Even if they are conversations about struggles and hard times...I never feel more refreshed than when I walk away from a several hour long conversation with someone who was as invested in it as I was.

{10} Old movies

Okay, so I guess between the antiques, the books, and now the old movies, you're probably all thinking, this girl is such a nerd! Haha, well I probably am, and I'm proud :)) LOL. But seriously...Audrey, Judy, Vivian...Gene Kelly, Clark Gable...ALL OF THEM! EVERYONE! ALL the movies with ALL the actors!!!

{11} Hearing a song I love come on the radio...

...And then turning it up really loud in the car and singing to it!

{12} Watching my choreography come to life

...And I can't wait to see it all go smoothly and beautifully next week for the recital! My upper level students and soloists have been working so very hard and they look GREAT!

{13} Seeing pretty things in the store ON SALE!

I am attracted, like a moth to a flame, to everything floral and lace! It's like hearing someone say, "Ooh! Shiny!" LOL. And if it's at a discounted price...well...then it pretty much becomes irresistible to me.

{14} Hearing my ballet teacher say, "YES!"

...Or even just seeing a teacher nod at me! To me that's huge...because it means I'm doing it right!

{15} Attending a live performance

...Whether it be a ballet, a symphony or chamber music concert, an opera, or a musical...there's something about seeing a live performance that completely energizes me. And I always walk away feeling completely inspired and happy.

So...what makes all of YOU the happiest?

Inspiration turns into a PLAN!

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Tue, 21 Jul 2015 16:40:00 +0000

In another recent entry {RIGHT HERE!} I talked about the desire I've had to combine my two biggest passions of dance and mental/emotional health advocacy into some sort of ministry opportunity. But I had no clue where I was going to start or how it was going to work.

Wellllllll...I think I have figured it out!

Or at least the "big picture" of what I want...

Here's how it all came about...

I was first inspired {or I guess I should say inspired AGAIN} by Ballet Magnificat! They are an absolutely wonderful professional ballet company, but they are also a ministry. I've known them for quite awhile, and I've seen them perform several times...but over the past few days, they've been on my mind.

Then, over the weekend, John-David and I watched "Ballet 422" on Netflix. It's a documentary movie about a 25 year old male dancer with the New York City Ballet, who was selected to choreograph a new ballet for the company. It's all about his creative process so there is no narration and very little dialogue...except for all of the collaboration and discussions. I found the whole thing completely and totally fascinating!

Also over the weekend, I came back across the song "Brother" by the band NeedToBreathe.

Now, I've been wanting to choreograph this song for awhile. But while listening to it this time, the overall message of the song really stuck out to me even more than usual. And I decided that whatever I decided to do with my ministry, I wanted it to be centered around THIS song and THIS message. The message of how important it is to hold each other up during the darkest of dark times.

Take a listen to the song if you haven't heard it...or listen to it again even if you have...because it's just that good!

And it's so good, in fact, that the group was asked to perform it in the Macy's Parade last Thanksgiving!

So...with the combination of remembering Ballet Magnificat! and all of the inspiration they constantly bring me, watching an awesome choreo documentary, and re-listening to THAT SONG {again, and again, and again}...I came up with a premise for a NEW BALLET!

It's going to be a contemporary ballet, fairly short...using this song and a few others by NeedToBreathe...because their music is just so good and choreograph-able {I think I just made that word up...lol}! And also adding a couple of songs by another artist {which I have yet to decide on}. But all of them will be songs of hope in the midst darkness, hope in the midst of suffering. My main focus, of course, will be on mental/emotional health awareness, and giving hope to those who are in the deep pits of depression {as I have been}...but I think this could have an impact on so many different kinds of people!

There are a lot of logistics to work out. Like...

** A title for the ballet
** Who will collaborate and be a part of this ministry with me
** Where to find dancers {plus I'll be using some of my current students of course}
** A venue to perform in
** How long the process will take, or should take

...and many more things I'm sure I'll come up with, ha!
But most importantly...I'm going to need to keep in mind that "Satan is the father of lies" {John 8:44}. He likes to destroy anything that is God-inspired. Which, in my case, usually means taking full advantage my mood disorder {which he knows is my biggest vulnerability} and using it to tear me down with insecurities, and remind me that nothing good in my life ever lasts. I pray that I can FIGHT that off!

GUYS!! I'M SO RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED!!

Getting started is the hardest part...but I can't wait to get this going!

A Way to Respond...

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Thu, 16 Jul 2015 18:00:00 +0000

As Christians, we often hear that if we are struggling with severe depression, something must be wrong spiritually. We must not have enough faith.

You know what I have to say to that?...

FALSE!! FALSE!! FALSE!!

That could not be further from the truth! And it completely minimizes a person's struggle.

Let's take a look at the book of Job in the Old Testament for a moment here. Job went through extreme physical and emotional pain, and it all fell on him at once. He questioned his whole existence. His suffering changed him into an unrecognizable person. Naturally, he took comfort in having close friends who were willing to be there for him, as they should have been. At first, his three friends, Eliphaz, Belidad, and Zophar simply sat and grieved with Job (Job 2:11-13)...and that would have been enough. But, like all well-intended friends and people in our lives, they HAD to say something.

It's not like they were TRYING to make Job feel worse, but their words were incredibly insensitive. Rather than encouraging and building him up, they sent a message of criticism and shame. Basically...

"You should have confidence in God! You're faith just isn't strong enough!"

"God must be punishing you for something!"

Really, though? What a way to kick your best friend when he's already down!
{And that was pretty much Job's response.}

All to often, people who struggle with depression are told to "snap out of it", and that is SUCH spiritual and emotional abuse! It is not a sin to be depressed. It is not an insult to God to experience doubts and questions. He wants us to bring those things to Him with a sincere heart, and He will not be offended, or turn from us, if we do that out of nothing but pure sadness and frustration.

The invalidation of struggles HAS to stop! We are called to encourage one another (1 Thes. 5:11), and if you have never experienced severe emotional health problems, the judgement of those who do is absolutely not yours! You may feel that you are "just trying to be helpful"...and yes, that is probably the case, as most people mean very well. But the next time you see a friend in an emotional crisis, I would challenge you to think through your words very carefully before speaking them, because you just never know how deep your friend's hurt truly is. And when in doubt, simply being there with them in silence, or offering a compassionate hug is always more than enough!

Stepping out, IN SPITE of Doubt

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Tue, 14 Jul 2015 18:39:00 +0000

I have heard time and time again that certain things are a calling...a passion...and if you don't pursue it, then it will pursue YOU.

A lot of things have come and go in my life. My desires change. My motivation to do things come and go, to the point where I am never sure if something that I become passionate about is going to be real and lasting {and having mood disorder definitely does NOT help that!}.

There have been two things in my life that have been totally consistent...real passions...true callings...

{1} Teaching dance & choreographing.

Even when I was a little girl, I would put on my favorite music in the living room and dance. But it wasn't just dancing around. No, I had specific moves in my head that just came to me when I heard the song. As I got older and started studying dance, I could never fight the urge to create dances. The need to choreograph and set pieces on other dancers just flowed out of me constantly. Even if there was no place or occasion to perform, teaching a new piece to my dancer friends or students was the greatest outlet I had! I love being in ballet class, and I absolutely adore teaching the little ones ballet basics and teaching them how to be "princesses"...but choreography is where my heart is!

{2} Mental & Emotional Health

I won't say much about this because if you click on the tabs along the top of this blog, you can read more about this passion of mine.

Consistency is very, very important to me.

I'm used to things not lasting very long in my world.

Has anyone ever seen THIS?? Because this is pretty much the story of my life...ha!

And most of the time I hate that...but that's the way it is. I'm used to it now.

So anything that lasts...anything that I never doubt or question...it must be something very special and very important.

The other thing that I never question or doubt is GOD, and who He is.

And I know that I know, that God placed these two passions in my heart and kept them there and fueled them for a purpose.

I'm really not quite sure of how this is going to work, because I've been wanting to do this for such a long time now...but I want to start a ministry. One that combines both of my passions, using them to further the kingdom.

I have always thought that in order to minister to others, I have to be completely fixed myself. I have always thought that since I am not yet totally "healthy", or not yet past my struggles that have plagued me for years, I can't help someone else. And part of me still thinks so, and I question myself...even at this moment as I'm writing and re-reading what I'm writing. My gut suddenly becomes sad, and I say to myself, "This isn't going to work. It's gonna be like everything else in my life...and it's just gonna phase itself out." But God is stronger than that...and He has undoubtedly stirred a passion in my heart.

I really have no idea where to even start. I just know it's been percolating in my head for quite a long time now. I've had so many concepts and ideas in my head for this, and I think they have a lot of potential, but I keep putting stuff off, because the thought of "you're not good enough to do this" has always come creeping back in.

But enough is enough already...I'm ready to get this thing started! But how?...

And I'm having a very difficult time putting my thoughts into words right now. I know this post is kind of all over the place. I'm gonna be writing more specifically about all of this, once I've had time to quiet and clear my "busy brain", and pray over EVERY. LITTLE. THING. I want to step outside of my doubts and fears. I want to push through even what seems like an insurmountable mood disorder preventing me from moving forward. {Faith the size of a mustard seed?...Yes! And that mountain will move!}

Changing Perspective {Or...at least trying}

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Thu, 09 Jul 2015 03:14:00 +0000

Okay...I fully admit that I am an over-thinker.
{And I've been called out on this so many times...which I don't mind because, believe me...I know!}

I am constantly asking the "what if" questions and allowing my brain to work up crazy scenarios that probably don't even, or would never even exist.
But even more than that...I am constantly asking the "why" questions. Even if they don't have answers that I can come up with on my own.

If you're new to my blog, I've said from day one writing in this blog {and on my "ABOUT ME" page, CLICK HERE!} that I believe in being real and genuine. I believe in transparency.

So, I'm going to be transparent for a little bit here...

I'm a girl with a lot of damage and a lot of past hurts.

I have a massively long list of self-esteem and self-image issues.

I don't ever let people know about these things...because I'm so sure they'll leave me if they know.

I've told myself that my insecurities had lessened over the past couple of years, and that I had overcome so many of them...when actually they had gotten a lot worse. Whether I want to admit it or not, I am still convinced that I'm not worthy of being loved.

But that's not how God sees me...

And that's supposed to be the most important thing. And if I ever want to see myself as valuable, beautiful, and worthy of love, I need to truly believe and accept how God views me, first.

It is very clear, all throughout the Bible, how loved we are by the Lord.

One of my favorite verses talks about how "He rejoices over us with singing." {Zeph. 3:17} He has made me "fearfully and wonderfully." {Psalm 139:14} He calls us "beloved" and means it!

And there's so much more!

So why has that never been enough for me? Why can't I accept that and view myself that way?

Ah, there's the lovely "why" question...

And this is only two out of many questions that I've been asking myself over the last few days..........actually for weeks and months..........but mostly just the last few days.

I've been dealing with some huge mental blocks for a very long time.

I've written about them before...and it's easy for me to say I'm going to make changes and set goals for myself and just learn how to fix them.

I've written plenty of posts about overcoming obstacles and reaffirming my negative thoughts with positive, Godly ones. But they never last.

And I've even said that only God can truly fix my struggles and heal what has hurt me in my past. And I've said that I want to let Him do that.

But I haven't. And I can't. I just can't.

So, I'm asking for loads and loads of prayers from all of you! I want to be able to accept God's perfect love for me and see myself the way He sees me. I don't know why I can't...but I can't. My head has been SO FULL of lies for so long, I guess I just can't imagine what it would be like to think ANY other way.

Thank you for your prayers, my friends.

A Lesson You've Taught me // The Letter Link-up

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 16:42:00 +0000

Today, I'm linking up with the lovely Amber over at Mr. Thomas and Me.
I love this girl's blog! I'm a bit late for linking up...but I couldn't wait to do this!

This is my letter...

My dear friend...

You are a new friend. We haven't known each other that long yet. But I'm pretty sure we are going to be friends forever. And that thought makes me very happy!

You are not that much older than I am, but you are one of the biggest role models in my life! Your genuine spirit makes you beautiful from the inside out. Your positive attitude and perspective toward life is something that I greatly admire and wish I could find for myself. But the more time I get to spend with you, the more of that lovely perspective I gain. On the days {or weeks even!} when I am feeling incredibly down, I know I can count on you to help pick me back up again...and you don't even have to try! It's just you...it's who you are.

You have shown me what being a good mom is all about. I love every second I get to spend with your two adorable little guys. And I hope that when I have children, I can raise them with as much grace and dedication as you have with yours.

You have shown me what it is to be a loving and supportive wife. Your example of that is what I will always aspire to.

And most importantly, you've taught me that it's okay to let someone in...it's okay to trust...and it's okay to allow myself to feel something, because that's what it is to REALLY LIVE. Emotions scare me. Letting myself feel anything scares me. And opening up scares me...because in my past, so many whom I've opened up to ended up walking away. But I don't think I will EVER have to worry about that with you. You care about my moments of vulnerability. I can share what I am struggling with, and know that what I say is in good hands. You possess a level of understanding that not many people have.

You may not always think you're helping, but you are.

You will always have your days of struggles yourself with being a wife and mother, but please know that what I see is absolutely incredible! And absolutely what I want to be too!

I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am that you brought your little one to me for his first dance class almost a year ago! God orchestrated that...because He knew I needed someone like you. Please know that I will ALWAYS be here for you as well.

Friend, you are BEAUTIFUL! And that word just doesn't seem like enough!

Much love always,

Emily

Currently, in June...

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Mon, 22 Jun 2015 18:11:00 +0000

I've been missing this little blog.
I've had such a crazy last couple of weeks! Two weeks ago, I was soooo busy trying to get a group of new students adjusted to a new dance session. My advanced dancers have been doing GREAT over the last month, and now it's been the time to bring in the littles :)) I love them. They are too cute! They love to dance!

Then last week, I was dealing with a bunch of issues...not feeling great mentally...my muscles completely giving out on me and causing EXCRUCIATING pain...and then to top that off, I ended up with a scratched cornea. Cue even more excruciating pain :((

Anyway...after all the craziness, I'm glad to be back. And I thought I'd just start off with a little "update" post.

So...currently, in June...

Reading... All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven...so, so good so far! I'm hooked!...and slightly nervous for what is coming next :))
Playing... catch up on blogging.
Watching... the current season of Pretty Little Liars and Dance Moms {yes, both guilty pleasures for me...but I just. can't. stop.}
Trying... really hard to make better lifestyle choices, and prepare for my future.
Cooking... new recipes that are THM plan approved.
Eating... THM plan approved foods, as often as I can {I'm gonna write a post about this at some point...once it becomes a little more consistent}.
Drinking... Iced coffee...constantly...and iced tea...constantly. My two favorite sources of caffeine.
Calling... friends I haven't been in touch with for awhile.
Texting... with John-David...all the time :))
Pinning... lots and lots of things! Lately, it's been bedroom decor stuff, since I plan on redecorating my room...and home decor, thinking of the future :))
Tweeting... other bloggers.
Going... back to my hometown next weekend to go to the beach and see my friends from Miami who are here for the summer! Finally!
Loving... everything Audrey Hepburn, taking ballet class, reading on my balcony, spending so much time with beautiful, sweet, kiddos.
Hating... my brain a lot of the time, not being able to stick to my food plan, and all the hatred I've been seeing in the world lately.
Discovering... that I really do feel so much better, emotionally, when everything is clean and organized {I just get so overwhelmed by cleaning, and so tired that I put it off. It explains so much about why I always felt so bad sitting alone in my room. Who wants to sit in such a mess of chaos? It looked like what my brain would look like if I opened it up. Believe me, that's not okay to look at all the time. I'm glad it's better now}.
Thinking... about my future...sometimes a little too much, and I end up freaking myself out.
Feeling... a total mix of optimism, nervousness, fear, and excitement about life. Can they all exist together? Apparently they can!
Hoping (for)... God to reveal Himself to two very close friends. Kind of a matter of life and death here...literally...for both of them.
Listening (to)... Oldies, oldies, and more oldies...from the 50s, up through the 80s...ALWAYS!
Celebrating... several birthdays and graduations this month...plus Father's Day yesterday.
Smelling... the caramel in my coffee...mmm.
Thanking... my gracious God for all of the wonderful, beautiful, incredible people He has placed in my life!
Considering... waiting a little while before starting grad school...because I want to see if a new medication will help me focus, and do a WHOLE lot better.
Starting... to put together a line up for our summer recital...making sure all of my music is picked out and ready to go.
Finishing... my iced coffee, and this blog post! :))

What are YOU up to currently?

Reading my way through the Summer // 2015 summer reading list

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Tue, 09 Jun 2015 19:14:00 +0000

I love reading in general, but I especially love reading on the beach, by the pool, or even out on the balcony of my apartment. There's not much I love more than reading outdoors.

{Mostly because, I cannot read in my room...too many distractions}

I'm also extremely picky about my book choices. I have to be very, very excited and interested in what I'm reading. My brain just doesn't focus well enough otherwise. I've read plenty of books that I didn't like...mostly because the movie was coming out so I wanted to read the book first. But there have been many that I regret reading now {Can we say "The Lovely Bones"...ugh! I couldn't stand it, and I can't believe I actually finished it!}

This summer, I've picked a few books to take with me on my summer adventures.

I hope you'll all share with me what you are reading or have read too! I love getting recommendations from others! Or if you've read any of these books and you have a review for me, I'd love to hear it :))

my 2015 summer reading list

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp: This is one that I've already started and I'm LOVING, and I have to finish it. {But this one is nice because I can read it, and another book at the same time} The writing is absolutely beautiful, but I need to read it in small doses in order to process it. I like it that way though. I've been margin writing and high-lighting the heck out of this book! And if you haven't read Ann's blog, you should! CLICK HERE!!

Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen: More of a lighthearted read...a good one for sitting poolside. I still love Young Adult fiction, and Sarah Dessen was one of my favorite authors when I was in high school, but I never read this one. And I found it at Goodwill for 50 cents, so of course I snatched it up!

All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven: I'm so excited about this book! First of all, I can deeply relate to the two main characters. Secondly, it's told in two points of view. I love stories like that! And thirdly, its setting is a road trip across INDIANA! :))

Wonder by R.J. Palacio: You can tell I work with kids right? This one has been on my list for awhile. I'm constantly eyeing it at Barnes & Noble every time I go, but I've never actually bought it. I think I'm going to now. It's a quick and easy read, but I have yet to hear a negative review on it.

Stones not thrown

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 18:39:00 +0000

So lately...

I've been thinking about rejection.

The dictionary defines the word "rejection" in this way: refusing to accept; to put aside; to discard.

People experience rejection in different ways. Perhaps someone whom you trusted would always be there walked out of your life. Perhaps you've reached out to someone for help, and they turned their face from you. Perhaps you simply tried to be yourself in front of others, and they made fun of you or criticized you for that.

I've experienced all of that.

But I think the worst kind of rejection is rejection by the church.

People who claim to be Christians should not be condemning others...{whether they are also Christians or not}...who may be struggling with a certain sin, or maybe have struggled with a sin in their past. How quickly we forget that we are all sinners too, and sin is sin, no matter how "big" or "small" it may be.

Can we all take a moment and remember the woman in John chapter 8?

She was caught committing adultery {or in today's terms...sleeping around}. And according to Old Testament law, that was grounds for a brutal stoning.

So ashamed she must have felt...and I've experienced shame before too. As have many of YOU.

But guess what?! In the presence of Christ there is no need to feel shame! And he proved it with his next move.

When all of the teachers of the law {aka, the men in authority who supposedly knew everything} asked him if they should stone her, what did he do???.......................

"Let the one who has no sin throw the first stone."

Oh, but wait! That's not even the best part! What did he say to her after they all put down their stones and walked away??

"I do not judge you guilty. Go, and sin no more."

Whoa! WHOA! Now hold on a second!

WHAAAAATTT was that?

Okay I'm gonna stop being silly for a second ;))

Our God is a God of second chances. He is a God of forgiveness.

And I know that I personally want to be more and more like that every single day.

If I am given opportunity to forgive someone, I will forgive without question, because that is giving THEM the opportunity to right their wrongs.

And if someone lives their life differently than I do...makes different decisions, or has a different point of view from mine...it's not my job to change them. Do I always agree with what people do? Definitely not...but that doesn't mean I turn from them and decide they are unworthy of love. They were also created in the image of God, just like me. God loves them. Shouldn't I?

THIS IS HOW OUR GOD LOVES!

"We have all sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God..."

Just the tiny word ALL seems to be overlooked sometimes.

Can we remember...instead of choosing anger and hatred towards those who are different from us...that we have our own stuff to deal with too? And remember how we would feel if someone else held that against US?

When there's nothing I can do...

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Wed, 03 Jun 2015 17:34:00 +0000

What do you do when your best friend just wants to disappear?
And when you have absolutely no idea, and no way of knowing how she's doing, where she is, or what is happening with her?

Nothing...you can't do anything.

Just pray...and pray again...and then pray some more.
I know that, and I've been doing a lot of that...even though it seems to be completely fruitless sometimes...praying for my sweet best friend, constantly!

It's been very hard not seeing her, or even hearing from her, for MONTHS!
Lisa and I were connected by an invisible thread, always meant to be together. Once we became friends, we were REALLY friends. We always took ballet class together and either went to iHop to eat breakfast for dinner, or to a local pub get drinks after class. We spent Saturday nights watching ghost investigator shows, if only to make fun of the goof-ball guys who made total fools of themselves during their investigations. We talked about everything...no, I mean LITERALLY, EVERYTHING! We have a million inside jokes, and we laugh together like it's a Olympic sport!

We are the very definition of "soul sisters".

Of course, I have been fine because I have a life to live...and I love to enjoy life...
But there are some moments when I miss her so much, and my heart breaks so hard for her suffering {and the fact that I can only watch it all helplessly}, that I just completely lose it!
Obviously, I am so so thankful for the other people in my life...for my extremely supportive guy, and all of my other friends. But there are some days when I just desperately want to talk to HER. That's it. But I can't. And that's hard.

More than anything in the whole entire world, I wish I could speed as fast as humanly possible over to her house, give her the world's biggest hug, and take all of her pain away.
But meanwhile, I just have to wait until she comes back to me. And back to the land of the living.

I've been in the dark pit of mood disorder, and I know how ugly and scary it can be.
I get very angry that it exists sometimes.
Right now...I'm completely FURIOUS that it exists. Because it's slowly been taking one of my favorite people in the world away from me.

Say lots of prayers for her...join in with me.

The more difficult road

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Tue, 02 Jun 2015 20:06:00 +0000

Recently, I read something that was a bit dismaying to me.

And I think the worst part was the fact that the person who was writing about this is definitely not the only one who feels this way.

This person was writing on their view of people who are "religious" {although I think they were primarily talking about Christians}, and how religious people have an easy way out...how their lives seem so much easier because they believe in something/someone {READ: GOD!} who controls their destiny and controls the outcome of everything.

okay...can I just say...

That couldn't be further from the truth!

As a Christian, I can tell you right now...following God is a ROAD! And a difficult one at that! And it is a road of CHOICES...making your OWN DECISIONS!

I am not walking aimlessly down a random life path waiting for things to just fall into my lap. It doesn't work that way. God doesn't clear all of the bad things in life out of the way in order to make things easier. He doesn't ever tell me directly where I should be going or what I should be doing. He doesn't always answer my prayers exactly the way I hope He will. He does not just give me everything I want, or what I think will make me happy at the time.

But here's what He DOES do...

He ALLOWS me to make choices for my own life. That's what life is...a series of choices. And the outcome is a DIRECT RESULT of those choices. If I make a bad decision, I'm going to face negative consequences. Likewise, if I make a good decision, I'm going to reap the benefits. And the same thing goes for when I face results from someone else's choices that affect me...good or bad.

But even when the outcome is bad...or looks like it could become very bad...the one thing I can always count on is that God is THERE WITH ME. He may not be controlling the exact outcome, because that's not the way He works, and He may not totally rescue me from bad things happening all of the time. Negative consequences are meant to be life lessons, and rough times are meant to grow us...but He does see it happening. He does see and feel my pain and heartache, and He does want to guide me through it.

My main choice, is to TRUST.

Which is very possibly the most difficult word in my vocabulary to put into practice. I don't do trust very well. Way too many people in my life, whom I have trusted, have majorly let me down...and I am sure MOST of you know what that feels like!

And that's what makes following God so difficult. You can't see or hear Him, so how can you trust? That's where the expression "blind leap of faith" comes from. You truly are leaping blindly.

But trusting God is the absolute best choice you can make, because even when the road gets incredibly rough, God is always there carrying you through it, because you've ASKED Him to, and you TRUST Him to. And that, my dear friends, is a choice that He will honor!

That is the best part...

If we put our faith and trust in God, we will always, always, ALWAYS have the best of the best.

Is it always what we expect? No, definitely not.

Are there struggles and dark times along the way? Absolutely! But if that didn't happen, we'd have no reason to need His help! That WOULD make it too easy...and that's just not real life.

SO...being a Christian is easy?? I know I said at the beginning of this post that I found that statement to be a bit dismaying...but I honestly think that it's almost laughable in a way!

Because it couldn't be more false!

BUT! I surely do think that it is the BEST way...because the rewards along the way are great...and more importantly, the ultimate reward we shall find in Heaven will be the absolute greatest!

Four Things

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Tue, 26 May 2015 23:45:00 +0000

This is what happens when I get writers block!
SOOOO...purely for entertainment purposes...here is "FOUR THINGS"...which I've seen on several different blogs, so I thought, hey why not?!

FOUR NICKNAMES:

Lily -- This was more of a childhood nickname, that I kept through high school, but stopped using in college. But the people who knew me back then still call me that.
Em -- I do like this nickname, but you have to know me pretty well first before I give you license to use it :))
Emmy -- Now this is pretty much just on reserve for my relatives. They are the only ones who have ever called me that. So I don't suggest you try ;))
Lemon {or Le Petit Lemon} -- My dad's nickname for me.

FOUR THINGS IN MY BAG:

Makeup...always
Wallet
Notepad
Pens

FOUR MOVIES I'VE WATCHED MORE THAN ONCE:

The Anne of Green Gables trilogy {counts as one...my absolute favorites! so i could never pick one!}
Little Women -- the Wynona Ryder version. Another favorite. So sweet and so inspirational to me every single time.
Pride & Prejudice -- for obvious reasons
Titanic -- again...also for obvious reasons

FOUR FAVORITE DRINKS:

Sweetened Iced Tea -- possibly my favorite source of caffeine.
McDonald's Iced Caramel Mocha -- the ONE THING with too much sugar that I just cannot stay away from.
Pink Moscato -- I mean c'mon! It's pink, bubbly, and delicious!
Pumpkin Spice Lattes -- It's one of the greatest things about Autumn!

FOUR RANDOM THINGS I'M THINKING ABOUT:

That I am SO DONE with this stupid computer I have...and I cannot wait until I can get an ipad!
The internet in my apartment is being insanely slow right now...so I have a slow computer AND a slow connection! So not working for me!
I have A TON of choreography to finish, and dance class lesson plans to put together!
That I have been trying to organize and decorate this bedroom for such a long time now...and I STILL have no idea where to even start! Ha!

FOUR TOP PLACES I'VE TRAVELED:

Grand Canyon -- Such incredible beauty that brought me closer to God!
Disney World! -- Especially going on the African Safari ride in the Animal Kingdom! The giraffes came right up to us! I could have touched them! And the fact that I got to go with my dear friend and her kids. It is always more fun to go to Disney with kids!
Seattle, Washington -- Very possibly my favorite city in the U.S. {Although I think I got very lucky while I was there, because it was sunny the whole time...which isn't always how it is, haha} I just loved that I got to experience both mountains AND ocean! My two favorite things!
Napa Valley, California -- More mountains, more ocean! Could never get enough!

FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED:

Michiana Shores, IN -- My hometown, right by Lake Michigan
Miami, FL -- Just for half a year...but it was a good experience for me. I'm glad I did it, even though it didn't work out.
Mishawaka, IN -- where I currently live.
New Buffalo, MI -- for about a year while our house was getting remodeled.

FOUR TV SHOWS I'M CURRENTLY WATCHING:

Pretty Little Liars -- yeah, I kinda can't wait for the summer premier. Even though they've taken this show WAY too far, I can't help it! I gotta know what happens!
Downton Abbey -- although I need to catch up. I'm so far behind that I don't even know where it's at...or even if it's over yet? I knew it was supposed to end soon.
Gilmore Girls -- for the millionth time :))
Dance Moms

FOUR THINGS I'M EXCITED FOR THIS YEAR:

The new school year, teaching preschool!
Meeting my goals for ballet...and getting performance opportunities.
Writing a book finally.
Losing weight.

Starry-Eyed!

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Mon, 25 May 2015 19:05:00 +0000

This weekend was GREAT!

And especially after this past week, which was hard, I needed a weekend like this.

first things first...i found THIS...

I discovered this when I was reading through one of my new favorite blogs...Jessica's blog, Forever Convinced, which I am so happy I discovered! {Jessica is amazing, and I really hope I can get to know her better soon!}

My favorite part of this devotion is the part that says, "...it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you."
Which is EXACTLY what I always do. Depression makes things very hard...and so does eating disorder recovery. I still don't have a very good relationship with food, and ever since my struggles with anorexia were at their worst, I've had constant health issues. {low blood sugar, and electrolytes, etc.} Between that and the depression, my energy level can drop all the way to ZERO and I have no way of knowing when that's coming. It makes my life very unpredictable, and makes it very difficult to plan on getting anything accomplished, because if my energy is too low, my plans will fall by the wayside. Usually, it takes twice as much energy for me to do HALF of what a normal person can do in a day. As a result, I get very down on myself for not being able to do what I hoped I could, and THAT fuels the depression...

Yeah...

Can anyone say VICIOUS CYCLE?

Did that description make your head spin in circles? Because it certainly does mine.

But see...here's the thing...it doesn't have to be this way. "When I gave you my spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength." My heart and body is so weak, MOST of the time. And I have always assumed that I was just always going to be like this...that I have this illness, and I'm going to have to learn to be okay with how it affects me. Which is still true...but I actually FORGOT that I don't have to fight by myself. That my strength alone isn't going to help me get through my worst days and the days I feel purposeless, which I still have...but God's strength can!

Of course I already knew all of these things.

I just allow depression to be all-consuming and I get so caught in the darkness that I forget. I'm sure some of you can relate.

I want to be able to say that I CAN get out of bed, I CAN go run my errands, I CAN clean my house, I CAN put forth my best efforts at work. I CAN do the things I plan for my day, without completely wearing myself out. And I can, because God can.

Will I be able to hang onto this all the time? Probably not. It's going to take time, and it's going to be a learned habit just like everything else. It takes practice. But it's a discipline that I want to acquire, and it'll take daily surrender.

now...on to the rest of the weekend...

I was able to attend the ballet "Sleeping Beauty" with some of my dance students and their moms. It was an absolute BLAST! It's my favorite ballet, and it was such a inspiration for both me && my students! They are all very hard workers, but I think this opportunity motivated them to work even harder. Several of them even said that they want to audition for The Nutcracker this year! I was NOT expecting that! It made me a very proud teacher :))

I was so happy afterward, I couldn't stop smiling! There's nothing I love more than going to the ballet! I am planning on participating in a talent competition...part of a summer festival in my town this year...with a dance solo, just for the fun of it and to get back onstage. The ballet was just the right push of motivation I needed to really get me working hard to be in the best shape possible to perform. I'm excited!

And even after all of that, John-David and I drove out to my hometown to see my parents and some of my relatives for a Memorial Day Weekend cookout. It was actually a lot of fun! Great food and great conversation...and NO DRAMA. Which is kind of a rare occurrence ;))

But the fun didn't stop there!
On Sunday, our church service was absolutely wonderful and insightful, and it was followed by a day of beautiful weather, spent outside with John-David's family, playing Corn Hole on the lawn. We are all pretty bad at it, but we had such a great time and it just went on and on.

And that is why I'm linking up again today with Emily over at her blog Ember Grey.
Yes, I have a VERY Grateful Heart!

Leaving my Fear of Falling

noreply@blogger.com (Emily Cass) — Sat, 16 May 2015 19:16:00 +0000

When I was little, I was afraid to try just about everything.

You couldn't get me to climb to the top of ANYTHING...even if it was a slide.

I wouldn't jump on a trampoline or in a bounce house if there was anyone else jumping with me.

The first time I tried skiing, I was so uncomfortable that I had to make myself fall sideways...and I just took the skis off.

{even with sledding...which I actually enjoyed...I had to hang back for awhile until I was absolutely sure I was ready to go down the hill}

My cousins loved tubing on the back of our uncle's boats...while I just preferred to stay safe on board the boat itself.

Ultimately it all stemmed from a fear of FALLING.

I could never handle the idea of falling down or falling off of something.

Even more recently in ballet class, I fell out of a turn...flat down on the floor...SOOO not typical of me. Ever since then, I have not been able to complete that turn in class.

But I think the real problem was lack of TRUST.

Mostly in myself.

And lack of confidence in myself.

Anxiety and fear have prevented me from experiencing so many things!

And I'm not just talking about potentially dangerous things like skiing or jumping off of a cliff...

I'm talking about anything that involves stepping outside of my comfort zone...because the result is always unclear...and I've never been willing to allow that to happen.

Being scared to trust my own emotions comes from having mood disorder. I have no idea what is real and what is not. I'm not a "wear my heart on my sleeve" type of person. I used to be, but I discovered people didn't know what to do with my constant up and down emotions, and eventually just phased themselves out of my life.

Which is fine. I don't hold anger towards anyone for that.

Most of the time, I don't even know how to handle them myself.

But I DO very much remove myself from my emotions now. Because, as far as I know, if I allow myself to feel something, or if I allow myself to jump into something not knowing what the result is going to be, I'm just going to end up hurt. My heart is going to suffer.

but is that true??

I've been reminded recently that it's okay to just take a blind leap of faith sometimes. It's okay to allow emotions to actually happen...BECAUSE THAT'S LIVING!

My immediate thought is, "What if this ends up being terrible?" But, ohhh, what if it ends up being wonderful!!??

From here on out, I am hoping that I can learn how to step out of my comfort zone...

To trust myself, and even more importantly to trust God to do a great work in me. After all He does go before me && behind me. And He will be faithful to complete His good work in me.

It's ME, EMILY, who has to make the choices...

But there's no need to fear falling, because I have my Heavenly Father to catch me if I do.

And any new experience very well could be the greatest thing in the world!

It's going to take a very very long time for me to get there...

And especially on days when I'm not feeling great, this is going to be even more challenging.

But I'm certainly going to try.

OK, God...it's You and me.

Ready...GO!!