Chocolate Cake Church

Will all the Chocolate have to melt?

Theo Broma, High Priest — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 14:31:44 +0000

What are the consequences of global warming on the Chocolate situation world-wide? Will all the Chocolate melt eventually? We were trying to find answers to these questions and have discovered one of the biggest conspiracies of all times. People are lead to believe that global warming is caused by our industry. Others are trying to [...]

Missing 1950s have been found!

Theo Broma, High Priest — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:22:30 +0000

It is hard to believe, but it’s true! After more almost 50 years of relentless search the 1950s have been found! Not many of you will remember. It was around 1960, when the 1950s went missing and the world was at a total loss about it. Newspapers were full of reports and theories, until after [...]

Is this your real wife? She’s very fat you see….

Bearer of the Chocolate Cake Stand — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:45:35 +0000

Ah, the Queen of parodies. I see a little silhouette of a cake. But to the point. And at once. For my theme is parodies, and I warm to it. Consider the cake on your plate, and look at it. And wonder. For this cake, if cake it is, may not be the real cake, [...]

Is God a Dork?

Theo Broma, High Priest — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:39:01 +0000

Of course God does not refer to the Chocolatey Mistress in this context. She is one heck of a sweet and smart godess. It’s more about all the other so called gods out there. Have you ever run into a Christian preacher who tries to put their faith down your throat in the most blunt [...]

Why do Mormons Have to Advertise?

Bearer of the Chocolate Cake Stand — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 10:01:36 +0000

This is a deep and philosophical question. If Jesus Christ and The Church of The Latter Day Saints (Mother Theresa, anyone?) is so great, why did they take a huge slot on Technorati, advertising their church? Surely all they need is something good and chocolatey to bite into? If a church is good, why does [...]

Does the Chocolatey Mistress have a Deus Ex Machina?

Theo Broma, High Priest — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 08:28:15 +0000

GOD YES! She does! And what a huge beast it is. You’d have tears coming down your cheeks from just seeing it! What kind of deity would She be if She didn’t have this absolutely necessary and often used tool?! Let’s face it: in today’s market for worshippers you just can’t win against your competition with [...]

If Life Sucks, Why is There No Orgasm?

Theo Broma, High Priest — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:29:56 +0000

This is a question, that is nearly impossible to answer. It may be that life isn’t sucking hard enough, or not passionately enough. Or it’s sucking too hard and you don’t feel comfortable. It may also be that you are suffering from erectile disfunction. Or perhaps you simply aren’t sexually attracted by life. Regrettably we [...]

Chocolate Cake causes German defeat in Euro 2008 Final

Theo Broma, High Priest — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 15:23:01 +0000

We have just received news from a trusted source, that the German national football team lost last night’s UEFA Euro 2008 final not because of a lack of talent or ability. Instead it was a terrible messup at one of the team’s food providers. Our informant, who wants to remain anonymous, is working at an [...]

“I hate life”

Theo Broma, High Priest — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 18:07:26 +0000

Do you say that sometimes? “I hate life”? Recently we received such a statement from a member of the community. They wanted to know, and I quote: “Where the hell is the motherfucker who sold me this shit, I want to return it and exchange it for something else!” A few paragraphs further down, the [...]

George Carlin nominated Honorary Choccolyte

Theo Broma, High Priest — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:54:48 +0000

Chocolate Cake Church is proud and happy to announce, that the Board of Priests has decided to give the title of “Honorary Choccolyte” post mortem to the sorely missed George Carlin. The board explains its decision like this: George Carlin was one of the great political standup comedians. He has earned the title of Honorary [...]

Heinz makes Gay Mayo

Theo Broma, High Priest — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 22:13:46 +0000

Hmm I wondered. Who is this Heinz, and why is he making gay mayo? Or is he making mayo gay? And how do you tell if mayo is homo or heterosexual. I never paid attention in the shop. Does that mean that I accidentally brought home sexually incompatible mayo? And if you mix mayo and [...]

The Sun Rise over Mai Secuel

Theo Broma, High Priest — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 08:36:01 +0000

I want to share a little story with you, that is part of the Tales of Wisdom collection passed down to us by the Chocolatey Mistress: Once upon a time, there was a little village called Mai Secuel (in some parts of the country it was called “Mai Es Cue El”). It was a buzzing little [...]

The overwhelming sexual danger of pancakes

Bearer of the Chocolate Cake Stand — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 08:16:19 +0000

There is no accounting for what some folks will eat. When there is wholesome, good, nutritious, even erotic Chocolate Cake, why risk the ultimate sexual danger of a pancake? Take this couple. They almost qualified for a joint Darwin Award! He was cooking pancakes. She was offering a taste test on his personal comestibles! Teatime [...]

Guilt-free Chocolate Cake

Theo Broma, High Priest — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 22:05:41 +0000

Do you feel guilty after you had a piece of your favourite and most delicious Chocolate Cake? Are you afraid of what verdict you are about to get from your scale? Just read on and the Chocolatey Mistress will save you and make the Cake experience guilt free again. A large percentage of the population [...]

Chocolate Cake is secret ingredient in European Football Championship

Theo Broma, High Priest — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 22:07:13 +0000

Many people say Chocolate Cake and sports do not go well together. We think the UEFA Euro 2008 Football Championship is as good an opportunity as any to erase this myth, and explain how Chocolate Cake will decide who is bringing the Cup home. Chocolate Cake and sports go immensely well together. And the current [...]

“I will lift up mine eyes unto the Mills, from whence cometh my Flour!”

Bearer of the Chocolate Cake Stand — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:54:50 +0000

And when there is lack of flour, what do we do then? When ingredients, as ingredients do, run out, to where do we turn? Or do we turn inwards and despair? Today’s thoughts are taken from the first Epistle of Mr Bunn the Baker to Delia Smith. Delia, when she was delayed, and en route [...]

“Thou Shalt have None Other Cakes But Me!”

Bearer of the Chocolate Cake Stand — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 13:22:33 +0000

Oh my children, what a concept. What harsh words, what a jealous deity that must be. Graven images, Golden Calves, Temples of Baal and all the hideous trappings of a fierce faith and a belief in a vengeful and evil deity; what awfulness awaits those who worship at such an altar. The Chocolatey Mistress is [...]

What Einstein did not know

Theo Broma, High Priest — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:51:49 +0000

We are not attempting to mingle science and religion here. Well, at least not much. It’s more a bit of tidbit information on two statements that are famous for Einstein, but which he got slightly wrong because he couldn’t know better. So let us tell you what Einstein – and you – did not know. [...]

Chocolate Cake in World of Warcraft

Theo Broma, High Priest — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:57:55 +0000

We may not be the most modern church, but we are not out of this world. Some of our priests and many people from our community are avid World of Warcraft fans and play it relentlessly … usually while enjoying a piece of Chocolate Cake and enjoying the time they saved by not having to [...]

The Dangerous Lure of Chocolate Frosting

Bearer of the Chocolate Cake Stand — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:17:58 +0000

“And yet the sweetness dragged me in and beguiled me.” And again “And yet the sweetness dragged me in and beguiled me.” Those are the words I want you to consider. They are the subject for today. And that, as Chapter three of Heston Blumenthal’s Great Cakes of the World’ has said, could so easily [...]