I got the call about the interview on Monday and since then I’ve been a strange combination of nervous and optimistic and anxious and unconcerned and… anything on the wide scale of emotions. I started to brush up my genereal knowledge of this field of work and to gather information about this particular job and employer. I also pulled up the old folder on my harddrive containing all kind of stuff from former job searches. I haven’t done a job interview in a long time and I have to start all over. Putting together a short self-presentation and answers to all the usual questions of job interviews. Well, to be honest I haven’t started putting those together yet, just read up again on what to expect in a job interview. I guess I will be cramming the next three days, but I don’t mind that much, because a) it’s for something I really want and b) I’ve got a safety net to fall back into, so I don’t have to be too worried. I’ll be a wreck the closer I get to the interview, but right now I’m surprisingly calm. I didn’t even let my co-worker’s or my mom’s doubt get to me. Both of them were wondering if I would really leave a pretty safe and solid job for a two-year contract somewhere else and without a safety net for the time when my contract is up. Now when I’m typing this down it is starting to get to me, because it might be a stupid idea, considering my disease might progress faster over the next two years and I might be unable to find a job again which offers a similar safety than my current job does.
But I DO NOT want to think like that for several reasons. I don’t want my disease to govern my life and my decisions. It already influences it more than enough without me accomodating it further more. And yes, it could work out bad for me but I’m trying so hard to be more optimistic in all aspects of my life, that I do not want to fall back into the “glass not half-full, but completely empty and the water has been turned off” way of thinking that has been and in some parts still is such a big part of my personality. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing a job that I always said wouldn’t be forever. A job that is ok and pays ok, but doesn’t really pay all that well, because I’m over-qualified for the position I’m filling. I don’t mind doing the job, but I’m not overly motivated either. And I think if I let my fears and doubts (and other persons’ doubts and concerns) hold me back I know I will regret it. I’ve been at my current job for over six years and I’m starting to notice how my motivation to do a good job at this job is dwindling away. I don’t like that about myself and I’d like to change that. I could change my attitude towards my current job of course, but I’d rather try to find a job that is better suited, that fits my qualifications and that I would enjoy doing much more than the one I’m doing now.

So, I’m determined to keep my eyes open for other job opportunities and to take every chance I get to make a change. I might not be bold enough to just quit my job like a friend of mine did a few years ago (she found a better job within weeks and now is once again looking for a change. So I know I’m not the only one). And I’m determined to make the best of the interview on Monday. I hope I can keep this cool over the next few days

The other things that kept me busy: Reading “Straight Lies”, a wonderful hilariously funny novel about gay small-time criminals trying to pull off a big heist in New York. Some novels start a movie in my mind right away and this was one of them, because I think it’s great movie material, although I doubt any studio would be willing to risk their money. It’s a pretty gay after all Anyway, in “my” moview I casted Patrick Dempsey as one of the main characters and Ryan Gosling as his partner in crime (and love). And once I’ve “casted” those two I couldn’t stop myself and attached faces I like to see on the big screen to all the other characters as well. So the “Straight Lies” movie in my mind starred: Patrick Dempsey, Ryan Gosling, Lauren Graham (it was Allison Janney first, but I like Lauren better in general), Amy Adams, Jude Law, Danny deVito, Kevin Costner, Brad Pitt and Robert Downey Jr.. Ambitious casting for a movie about a gay crime caper. But it was all just in my mind, so I can be as ambitious as I want to be. And not all characters in this novel are gay/lesbian after all. But most of them are LOL

The third and last thing that kept me busy (and will continue to keep me busy tomorrow) was speculating about the Grey’s finale on twitter. I think the direct communication on twitter is one of the major reasons why the speculating went so out of hands to start with I remember being equally obsessed with the S3 premiere, but that was only because I had just become a fan that summer (and had watched S1 + S2 within a few weeks). And it’s different now, because I’m not that invested anymore and because I already know that the main characters I care about, have renewed their contracts. So they won’t die in the finale. Might be badly hurt and battered and bruised, but they wil be back. At least we can be pretty sure they will. So… the speculating is fun though and even more fun is the making fun of the plane crash promo. And Cristina’s shoe.
I usually don’t mind being spoiled before watching an episode and I usually am, because I can’t stay off twitter or blogs until I find the time to watch the episode. This time though I think it would be weird to read about it all before I can see it. So I’m trying to catch it live and I hope it will work. At the moment it looks like it. And that also means I’m off to bed now because I’m planning to be awake again in less than four hours

I didn’t take all that many photos, because I did that on my trip to Stockholm in 2010 and I didn’t need yet another batch of sightseeing pictures of the same sights I’ll probably post some of those I took though in a few days, once I’ve sorted them.

Hockey-wise it was a bit rather disappointing, because Team Germany didn’t play as good as they did last year or even in the games before the tournament. They can do better and we had and still have no idea why they don’t play like that in the important games. Like right now! I’m watching the game against Norway while I’m typing this and after six minutes Germany already was 0:3 behind. Holy crap!

° ° ° °

As much as I enjoyed this past week and even though I left in quite a good and relaxed mood, but in the past few days I noticed that I have been overly sensitive. It’s hard to explain, I guess I felt misunderstood or wrongly criticized a few times and overanalyzed tiny details or comments and it all made me feel so bad about myself. I know I shouldn’t feel bad about myself and I know that my self-perception is screwed up and that it all shouldn’t mean anything. I just haven’t felt like that in a long time and it scared and still scares me a little. No idea how to snap out of that yet…

° ° ° °

But enough of that darker stuff. There is also stuff on the bright side of my life. “Bright” might be the wrong term for the amazing, captivating novel I read over the last 2 days, but the fact that there was a book that captured my attention so rapidly can be considered bright at least. I’m talking about ‘Room’ by Emma Donoghue. The reviews mentioned that it’s almost impossible to put down and it was. I started reading it on the flight back home on Thursday and after getting home, unpacking and such I spent the rest of the evening and night (up until 3 AM) reading and I continued the next day until I had finished the novel. I love when a story can suck me in like this. And my mind still returned to the story over the past few days, because it’s been so heartbreaking in a way and uplifting in another. If you’ve got one or two days off sometime you should really check it out. But be warned it’s a story about being kidnapped and held captive for years, so there is some dark stuff of course, but it’s writting in such an incredible and brilliant way, that it’s just stunning. It was to me at least.

° ° ° °

More bright stuff. I very much enjoyed this week’s Grey’s Anatomy and even though I didn’t want to get sucked into the whole “OMG what’s going to happen?” speculation drama, I couldn’t help it: the end of the episode, the promos for the season finale and of course all the talk from Shonda a few weeks/days ago has my fan-mind reeling  in overdrive. There is so much potential for great storylines for Derek and Meredith in season 9. So I should start praying that Shonda doesn’t screw this up yet again like she did with not adequatly dealing with the aftermath of the shooting in season 7.

Other Grey’s related bright sides: Wonderful updates from my favourite fanfic writer AriaAdagio

° ° ° °

We elected our state parliament (and thus government) today and at least there my favourite coalition of social democrats and my Greens were able to score They’ve manage to get a solid majority and I’m really happy about that.

° ° ° °

Something else really cheered me up at the end of this week as well. Diana Gabaldon – author of my favourite novel series (Outlander) – replied to one of my tweets. To two actually, so I guess I can say, I was talking to Diana. Wow! Here is proof

I think I’ve passed the weird mood I wrote about some time ago. Don’t know what exactly happened to change my mood but I’m glad it did. Part might be that – once again – things I expected to go wrong for me (work stuff mostly) didn’t go wrong at all. It worked out fine! And I was freaking out about nothing!

One of the things that helped to improve my mood was a new Jason Mraz song. I admit I haven’t know a lot of his music before, except for the successful “I’m Yours”. About a week ago Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love” mentioned the album on a blog post and on twitter. I haven’t been following “The Daily Love” religiously and I skip some of the the posts that show up in my feed reader every day. But I also find a lot of the stuff on TDL inspiring and affirming and it sometimes helps me get perspective. So when I read the tweet, that “If TDL was an album, it would be the new Jason Mraz album!” I gave it a try and it’s so so true. I like the general mood of the album, I can’t really put into words exactly why. I think it’s inspirational and uplifting, especially for someone like me who is doubting herself and worrying too much on a regular basis. The second song on the album “Living in the moment” has been on a constant loop on my iPod for the last few day, you should really check it out. (here on TDL or directly at iTunes or some place else)

Here are my favourite bits of the lyrics, which I try to take at heart more often in the future…

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

So I just let go of what I know I don’t know
And I know I’ll only do this by
Living in the moment

[...]

I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done
I let my past go past
And now I’m having more fun
I’m letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong

Things on the bright sight of life? Well, over the last few days I’ve always managed to avoid the rain when I was outdoors, yesterday I even had to put on my sun glasses for the first time. Also my cell phone carrier introduced an pretty cool new data plan for smartphone usage outside Germany but within Europe. By the way, while searching for the right English terms to use (“data plan” that is) I came across one site that compared data plans for smartphones in the US (AT&T, T-Mobile etc.) I was shocked by how pricey (range from $60 – $120 depending on free minutes, texts, data etc) it seems to be compared to what I’m paying here in Germany.
I know I’ve got a pretty decent deal at O2 to begin with, but still it’s so much less than what I’ve read about US prices. For a long time I paid 20€ for 100 free minutes/100 free texts (addiontial minutes/text cost 19c) and 300 MB data. I’ve changed that to 1GB data recently and will have to pay something between 25€ to 30€, which is between $30 – $40. I don’t need more than 100 free minutes because I make most of my phone calls from home where I pay an additional 25€ – 30€ ( $30 – $40) for internet/phone/cable TV contract. So maybe, all in all I don’t pay much less than the people in the US after all?
Anyway, the old EU data plan was decent enough but the new one is so much better. 2€/day including 25 MB every day. I hardly ever need more than 15 MB when I’m going online (which I do rather frequently) with my phone here in Germany (unless I use a free wi-fi of course). The reason why I even care about the EU data plan, is that I’m leaving for Stockholm on Thursday and over the last few days I’ve spent quite some time trying to figure out how to still be able to use my phone the way I do here (tweeting, reading blogs, fanfics, news sites, checking the weather forecast, looking up an address…) without having to pay a fortune in roaming costs or needing to find a free wi-fi everytime. With 25 MB per day (and with the free wi-fi in supposedly a lot of cafes and restaurants in Stockholm) I should be more than covered. For the first time within the last 3 years I even won’t take my netbook with me on vacation. I probably wouldn’t have written a long blog post or email anyway and all the other stuff I can do much quicker and simpler with my phone. So, yay, definitely something on the bright side.

Did you notice how I got sidetracked once again Another really nice thing was the cute little guy how was sitting at my table on the Vapiano patio yesterday. He was there with his mom and his mom’s friend. He was 7 months old and sooooo adorable and almost made my ovaries explode. But that also might have been the PMS talking. Anyway, I had such a nice lunch there yesterday. Sitting in the sun, watching this boy discover the world around him (and drooling on his mom’s friend’s shirt LOL)

Also on the bright side: The season finale of The Good Wife, because OMFG! It was epic! If you don’t watch that show yet, you really, really should check it out, it’s amazing! And I can’t wait for September to see how it will all work out between Alicia and Peter and Kalinda and her husband (was that voice on the phone scary or not. Holy crap!)
And of course the brightest of bright side: Stockholm! And lot’s of hockey in Stockholm, because the reason for this trip is the 2012 IIHF World Championship. I’m so looking forward to returning to Stockholm, where I have spent and amazing 6 months at university in 1997 and a few very nice and sentimental days in 2003 and 2010. And now I’m going back. Yay!

I thought I should give this a try and throughout the day try jotting down the good things. The things that made me smile or grin or made me feel good. The things I appreciate. I just realized how often I just don’t notice these things, because I’m not paying attention. I’m not living in the present moment, even though I by now know that my life would be so much easier if I could just be more mindful of the present. I’ll try to do better in the future. I might also post the list of positive stuff I notice in my life every once in a while. Maybe not on a daily basis, because that might get redundant very quickly But paying more attention to it might help preventing to get dragged down into the “my life sucks” bottomless pit of worry and anxiety.

So, today’s bright side of my life…

• Sunshine in the morning
• A.J. Jacobs “Drop Dead Healthy”
• Promising weather forecast for the weekend
• Having a job at all
• Livingston’s “Perfect Dream” playing on my iPod almost constantly
• First day in a long time that I felt productive and like I was doing something useful at work
• Others are as frustrated by my coworkers lack of work attitude than I am
• Nice phone chats with my bosses
• Delicious Vanilla Latte at Starbucks
• Some very entertaining stuff on this week’s episode of “The Good Wife”

“I just need something to happen. I need a sign, that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope. And in the abscene of hope I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today.”

At least I don’t have the whole “the man I love has wife and that wife took my dog” issue going on, but I still was and to some degree still am in a weird funk. I am feeling overwhelmed by a few things. Things that actually aren’t that overwhelming or at least they shouldn’t be. On the one hand there is a lot going on at work and on the other hand there really isn’t. I’m still frustrated by my coworker (and sometimes also my bosses and other persons I have to deal with). I think the mere act of applying for job someplace else made me so much more aware of how unsatisfied I am in my current job. I really have to get out of that some time soon. But then the whole cycle of negative thinking starts dragging me down: Will I ever find a better job? Am I actually good enough for any other job? Why should anybody else hire *me*? That stupid kind of stuff.

There also is a lot of work to do for the Green Party campaign for the state election and it wearing me down. Sometimes my fellow Greens are getting on my nerves so much and I don’t know if I’m just overly sensitive or if those folks sometimes really are so annoying
I really have to learn to not care so much anymore. I also have to learn to not be in such a bad mood so often or so easily. At least I feel like I’m easily irritated and that alone makes me mad, because I don’t want to be easily irritated. I guess I should spend more time again with my meditation practice. Which leads me to the whole set of Promises I made to myself at the end of last year and over the last two months I in some ways failed dismally to keep them. I was so busy or even stressed in March and then I also were sick (nothing serious, just a bad cold) a few times, but I spend most of the time when I wasn’t at work or did stuff that needed to be done vegetating on my couch.
I lost track of how much of my Promises I had actually kept in March/April and how much I didn’t live up to. I couldn’t even bring myself to at least follow through with the consequences. Which in turn also made me angry at myself and put me into a bad mood. It’s really difficult to explain. Maybe it’s my bout of spring melancholia ? I’m determined to start over again on the whole Promises thing in May and maybe I’ll be more successful then.

The weather in this part of the world is pretty depressing as well. No wonder I’m in a weird mood. To me April 2012 seems to be the most april-esk April in recent history. Seriously, what’s up with all the rain? And then it clears up for about an hour and the sun is shining and after a few minutes the downpour starts again! I always thought the fall is supposed to be the most depressing season, but this year April definitely makes it to the top of the list in my eyes. I can’t wait for this weather to be over.

There are few things on the upside of all this depressing talk. I only have three more days to work (Wednesday, Thursday of this week + Mondy of the next) before I’m off work for almost two weeks. 7 days of these two weeks I will spend in Stockholm, Sweden to cheer for Team Germany at the Icehockey Worldchampionship. And I can’t wait for this trip to begin. First of all, because I know it’s going to be a lot of fun, just like the last few times I went on a hockey trip with these hockey friends (Vienna 2005, Halifax 2008, Bratislava 2011). And because it’s Stockholm, which right beside London is my favourite European capital.
I went to see a really cool concert last night (Livingston at the Luxor club in Cologne) and had so much fun and it really helped to cheer me up. Whenever I turned on my iPod today I only listened to their new album and it always puts a big grin on my face, which is a big improvement over my mood in the last few weeks.
And of course the many lovely Happy Birthday messages that reached me through all kinds of communication channels helped to cheer me up as well

Her post got me thinking and I tried to remember when I took my first steps out in the “World Wide Web”. And then I felt really really old, because it seems like such a lifetime ago (and it actually was in a way). But even though I remember pre-internet-times, I never ever wish this thing hadn’t been invented. I have no idea how I would live without it Although, I admit, if it hadn’t been invented I would have never known about it either and then wouldn’t be able to hypothetically miss it now. If you could follow this weird train of thought.

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to try remembering how it has been back then. I’m not sure (like I said, I’m old *g*), but I think that I first went online at our neighbour’s house in 1993 or maybe 1994. Their son, who was in his early twenties, had gotten AOL and one day one of my brothers and I went to check it out. I don’t remember what I had known about the internet before that day or what I had expected it to be. I just remember that we sat in their basement in front of a computer screen and waited till the modem dialed into AOL. I don’t remember what we did online at that day.

I graduated highschool in 1994 and went to university (stayed living at home though) and there I took a few more steps into the unkown WWW. It’s kind of funny, that I remember it as WWW now and not “the internet”, at least I think we didn’t usually call it the internet. We called it being online or using the WWW but nothing else, as far as I remember. The computer labs at university had a Unix OS, so there wasn’t really much we did first year students did there, but we had an email account and there were webbrowsers. Netscape Navigator. Anyone remember that one? I don’t think we had any idea how to use the internet for anything else than sending mails and looking up random stuff
I have always been a “fan” type of person and thus the internet was great to connect with other fans of bands, TV shows, actors and I admit that for the first few years I mostly used it for exact that reason. I spent endless hours in fan-chatrooms and I think that was my favourite thing to do in the early days of my online life: To communicat in real time with folks overseas. Being able to just do that made me feel so grown-up and modern and hip in a way. I also remember that I had signed up for a fan mailing list, but I honestly don’t remember if it was for a tv show or a band. Anyway, that was my first contact with mailing lists via a listserv. I hardly ever use that feature anymore, but it actually was pretty neat back then.
Looking back on it now I realize that I never even tried to understand or explain how the whole “internet/mail” stuff worked. I know and understand most of it by now (probably because a few years ago I beta-ed a friend’s thesis about using internet in elementary school). But back in the days I just didn’t. I embraced the unlimited opportunities. And all the new stuff.

In 1997/98 I spent a term in Stockholm, Sweden and there they were so much more advanced in regards to the whole internet thing and their computer labs at university were open 24/7. So I got used to being able to use it pretty regulary and when I got back home I knew there was no way I could live with the lousy opening hours of the computer labs at my university. I was still living with my mom and my brothers then and after a lot of nagging we got internet at home. Via a 56 modem and a local provider. I still remember my mom’s shock over our first phone bill. We switched providers a few times and after a few years, when we got DSL we finally settled for one, which had a reasonable monthly rate.

Gosh, it was so expensive to go online then and actually getting online took so long. I mean, it was a 56k modem. I was still using the internet mostly for fan-stuff like hanging out on message boards, visiting fanclub websites and such. In 1998 I started my first own website (about two german actors) at Geocities. I still host the site, but at it’s own domain by now and Geocities isn’t even in business anymore.
In the late 90s and early 2000s I still got my news via TV, radio, newspaper. I still bought my CDs at a record store and books at the bookstore. I honestly can’t quite pick a date or year when that changed. I guess it happened gradually and slowly. Nowadays I get most of my news from twitter, blogs or online news sites. I sometimes still buy my music at a store, but only when I know the CD will be available and I’m at the mall anyway. Same goes for books, even though I mostly order them online on the bookstore’s website and pick them up at the store at the central station, where I’m passing through 4 days a week.

There are so many other things I do online which 15 years ago I had never thought I’d do. Maybe because I didn’t know it was possible. Or never thought it one day would be possible. I still remember the times when I had to walk up the stairs to my dad’s office and grab the encyclopedia from the shelves when I wanted to look something up. No I just type it into the google widget on my Android or check wikipedia via my phone’s browser. Has it really only been 15 years ago? And it makes me wonder, where we will be 15 years from now and if I’ll continue to be up for the new changes or if I, like so many of my parents’ generation nowadays, will one day be overwhelmed by all the new technology and the more and more digital way of life…

But two weeks ago I stumbled upon a job opening which seemed like a great opportunity, and more or less on a whim decided to apply for it. (Before you all get too excited, I just handed in my application and thus haven’t heard back anything yet). I didn’t apply for it because I desperately need a job, as my current job is secure for the next two years at least and probably even longer, but because I first of all wanted to test the waters. To see what my chances are for these kind of jobs, because this job is in the broad field of environmental lobbying I’d love to work in. It would have been stupid not to apply for it now, when I don’t have the pressure to *get* the job. It’s definitely a much more relaxing state of mind to start off the whole job hunting process.
My co-worker was surprised that I would be willing to give up the security of my current job for a position which only offered a two-years-contract, but I think this new job would be a great starting point to get another job in that field after these two years. And I’m pretty sure I’d always be able to get some sort of low paid assistent job in the political field (which is what I’m doing right now) after that anyway. The point is: I do not want to to that job for the rest of my life, so I was all about “seize the moment”.

This job opening also was the perfect opportunity to test the waters in regards to how my certified disabilty would affect my chances of getting a job in this field. [And this is where I decided to write two seperate posts, because including all the stuff I wrote about yesterday in this post would have been insane *g*] In Germany all employers with 20 or more positions are required to employ disabled persons in at least 5% of the positions or otherwise must pay a compensatory levy for each mandatory place not assigned to a disabled person. The money goes into a fund that is usd to cover the costs of services to support the employment of disabled people.
I don’t have any valid proof, but I’d say that the public sector (including NGOs etc) are more willing to actually employ disabled persons while the private sector might tend to be more willing to pay the mandatory levy and not bother having to deal with employees who might need some extra assistance or time off and not work at the 100% capacity, which they are paid for. Job vacancies in the public sector usually explicitly state that the job is suitable for disabled persons and that applications from disabled persons are very much appreciated or even that disabled persons will have an advantage when they apply.
Bro2 who is working not directly in, but close to the HR department of a federal agency, once told me that with a certified disabled status I’d actually be a good hire for any public employer, because I’d help them fill their 5% quota while still being able to work almost 100% of my capacity. (Minus the few hours every month I might need for doctor’s visits and the chance that I might be on sick leave for a week if I experience an MS relapse). I would still need to be just as qualified as any other applicant of course, but the fact that I’m a woman (public sector employers also often aim at supporting women in the workplace) and I come with a disablity are two characteristics which might give me a tiny bit of a headstart compared to other applicants. At least that’s my theory which I’m ready to test at the moment By law every employer even is obliged to at least ask every disabled applicant in for an interview, which means that even if I might not meet all the requirements in the job ad, I still might be able to convince them of my superb qualities during an interview. At least it’s an additional chance which right now I’m more than willing to grab with both my hands.
One last additional information about the whole disablity/job application topic: As disabled person I’m not obliged to include this information in my application or to even reveal it to any future employer, but like I’ve mentioned yesterday in any new job I would very much like to disclose it anyway sooner or later. If I’ll ever apply for a job in the private sector I might not bring it up before a final interview or even before I signed a contract But in the public sector it might be the best way to disclose it right away for all the reasons mentioned above. But to be honest I’m only guessing right now what the best way to deal with it in during the process of job hunting. So it’s a good thing that I’m in such a secure position that I can test out if my way of dealing it actually is the right one.

This impromptu job application has kept me busy for the last two weeks until I dropped off my application Thursday morning, one day before the deadline. I had forgotten how much work it is to apply for a job, as I didn’t have to think about that in the last six years. And now I had to do it all in a rush. I know the process of applying for a job is different in every country and the following might baffle readers in the US, but in Germany you normally have to include a CV, a portrait photo and copies of letters of reference from former places of employment, internships etc. as well as of diploma, graduations certificates etc.
Besides drafting the actual cover letter and explaining why I am *the one* employee they were looking for I had to update my CV, get a good and recent photo from a professional photographer, had to ask the bosses in both my jobs for current letters of references, had to get a current certificate from my post-grad school (which took them ages and the delay made me so so anxious) and make copies of all these documents. Not to mention I had to find a  stylish but still easy to use folder to put it all in, which was a task of it’s own. I also was allowed to draft my letters of reference for my bosses *g* and I’m really glad all of them were really supportive of me trying to test the waters elsewhere, because they all know that I’m more qualified than the position I’m filling right now requires, but they just can’t offer me anything else. Thus they understand that I might want to leave my current job someday and although they would be sad to see me go they gave me stellar letters of reference. Which made me feel pretty awesome, I admit it. It’s just really nice to see how I and my work are appreciated. I should have asked for current letters or reference much sooner, just to boost my ego for a bit…

The more I thought about this particular job opportunity and during all the hours I spend working on my cover letter I realized that I’d really, really like to fill this position, even if it’s just for two years. I also started to believe that I’d actually could be really good at it, even though I haven’t done a job like that yet. But there is a first time for everything, right? And I’m willing to learn. The fact that I’m in the process of obtaining a 2nd degree should be proof for that, shouldn’t it?
And whether I really have shot at this job or not, I already feel so much better just by actively doing something about my unsatisfactory work situation. To actually take the time to think about what kind of job I’d like to do and why and to think about what kind of job or task I’m good at and what my qualifications and skills are and to have it all certified in the letters of reference, made me feel pretty darn good. And leaves me rather optimistic that sooner or later I will move on to a better and more fulfilling job. I can do it

Last year, after I had come to terms with the fact that my MS isn’t as easy going and easy to deal with as I had thought for over a decade, I finally applied for and was granted “disabled status” within the German Social Security System. With MS I would have been eligible for all kinds of disability benefits and special protection within the work place from the moment the diagnosis was confirmed 12 years ago, but I hesitated to actually take that step for two reasons.
For one: I was not and did not feel (physically) disabled in any way. Yes, I have a chronic illness, but for a long time I thought it would be a fraud if I’d call myself “disabled”. Over the years I saw all the more severe MS cases and how hard the disease had already hit those patients and I thought I’m doing fine and I thought that I don’t need those benefits and I don’t need the kind of protection the disabled status provides in the long run. I thought: I can take care of myself.
That attitude changed last year, when I had to learn and accept that my MS had already caused more havoc in my brain and that the “I’m doing fine” state could change rapidly even with the new treatment. These few months when my mind temporarily went to rather dark places really turned a switch in regards to the question “disabled or not”. I might not be (physically and visibly) disabled (yet), but I surely am handicapped through this disease. I’m not just talking about the required medical care including regular doctors visits and meds I have to co-pay (even if it’s just a tiny amount compared to what I’d have to pay in the US for instance), but also about the fact that my risk of someday being unable to work and pay my own living is significantly higher than that of any other ordinary healthy person my age. This actually really only hit me last year when I had to come to terms with this progressing state of my MS. And then for the first time I started considering to make good use of all the benefits and protection I could get and for the first time I actually felt like I also deserved to get, because life just has dealt me a crappy hand in that regard.

The second reason to not apply for it right after getting the diagnosis was, that I graduated university a year later and I had no clear idea where I would want to work, but I was pretty sure that a certified disability would make it impossible to find and keep a good job. And I was confident that no one would have to know about the MS anyway and that I wouldn’t have to take sick leave more often than anybody else. But over the last 10 years I did have to take sick leave for my MS more or less regularly and all the people I work with know that I have MS and understand that it sometimes can be necessary to stay home for a few days.
With that experience I now know that in any new job I would have a difficult time to keep the MS a secret, even though I don’t “look like an MS patient” (whatever that actually means. But I have heard that a few times in my long history of this disease). The MS might not and does not limit my capacity to do my job, but I do need to schedule regular doctor’s visits and I need a half day off for an I.V. every 4 weeks and I might have to miss work for a few days if I experience a relapse. I could lie and come up with other excuses for all that but that would just really bother me and make me anxious and that’s something I really don’t need on top of all stress the MS is putting me through anyway.
So last year I realized that any new job I would search for or any new job that I would accept would have to be in a work environment in which I can more or less be honest about the wonky state of my health. I also knew that the jobs I’m aiming for with the 2nd degree I’m working on at the moment will most likely be found in the public service, administration or NGO field of work. Those places tend to be a bit more accessible for people with disabilities than the private sector is (I’ll include more information about all that in a second post later today or tomorrow). I’m pretty sure that with the history of my health and the way it does affect my every day life I wouldn’t have a shot in the corporate world in the long run. Plus, I don’t think the corporate world can offer me my “dream job” of being some kind of environmental lobbyist (in the broadest sense of the word) anyway

And with this question “will it noticeably reduce my chances of finding a new and better job” answered with a solid “No, most probably not”, there was no reason to not apply for “disabled status” and that’s what I did last summer. So, since July 2011 I’m officially classified “disabled” and by law eligible for various benefits (like one additional week of vacation) and most importantly a decent tax exemption on my income tax. Which resulted in a refund of about 1150 EUR ($1500) this year compared to the refund of 400 EUR ($550) I only got back in previous years. Yay! It definitely makes up for the amount of money this disease had already cost me, not to mention the heartache, worry, anger, fearful nights and dark times I had to live through because of it.

Because recently I’ve noticed that I am more and more reluctant to relinquish my phone into somebody else’s hand even for just a few moments. Especially somebody I don’t know very well or somebody who I don’t want to find out more about me than necessary and definitely not into the hands of those somebodies who don’t consider the internet part of their everyday life of communication, information and entertainment like I do. I hate (or well at least dislike) the whole “Twitter? Facebook? What’s the use of *that*?” discussion which I had to endure with several folks in my circle of acquaintance or family. I really don’t need them to see and inquire about the “tiny blue bird” icon on my phone and start it all over again.

Until a few weeks ago I had thought that I had to root my Android phone to use a launcher software to change the look of the screens and icons and such. But that’s obviously not necessary at all, so I started using Go Launcher and really like that with this I can change the look and feel of a lot of things on my phone. I admit to have been thrilled when I realized that I could easily “hide” some apps in a second “dock page” (the icons at the bottom of the screen which are usually fixed and can’t be changed) and could easily switch between those pages. Yes, I admit I might be a bit paranoid about that stuff. It’s just who I am, I’m paranoid about a lot of things .
There also is the fact that I have passwords stored on the phone (i.e. in the apps) because I don’t want to have to fill in user name and password every time I want to check my mail or my feed reader. But I really don’t want anyone who asks me to have look at my phone for various (and probably valid reasons) to accidently read my mails, tweets or see what feeds I’ve subscribed to. So, yes, I’ve become very reluctant to let my phone out of my hands.

[Update: Of course I have my phone locked, to not have just anyone have access it, but my "problem" *g* are those people I know and who want to have a look for actually rather innocent reasons, if you know what I mean]

And then I was wondering when that had actually started. And if that’s normal behaviour for any smartphone owner. And why I’m more concerned about privacy protection in regards to my phone than I am in regards to my purse or my wallet. I don’t consider anything I’ve got in my purse or my wallet too private for anyone else to see. Well, I don’t want anyone jotting down the number of my credit card of course , but that might be the extent of it.
When did an electronic gadget become part of my private personality, that needs protection? Probably the moment it turned into being more than a phone but more into a tiny computer. I don’t necessarily want to see just anyone what’s on my harddrives etc there either. But as the computer is located in the privacy of my apartment, I’m on the safe side there. The phone is much more accessible. I have it on my desk at the office or use it in front of my family and all that. And I always cringe on the inside when someone asks me if they could have a look at my phone, because they’re thinking about getting a new one similar to mine. But I can’t flat out refuse to let them have a look at it and try out how to use it, can I? Hence my happiness about being able of “hide” some of the stuff for the unexperienced eye to see.

But I’m still wondering: Is it just me? How do you handle the privacy of phone issue? Do you even care? I’m really curious to know, so leave me your view of things in the comments, if you’d like…

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I’ve been insanely busy with my grad school assignment all February and was sort of knocked out by a persistent cold directly after that. I guess the adrenaline from the assignment stress kept the cold at bay until the day I handed in the paper. My throat still feels not quite all right, but at least there is no more snot. It was the 2nd cold within just a couple of weeks and I really don’t need anymore of that, please.

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I started writing this post a few days ago, when I had thought that I’d have a few less stressful weeks ahead of me and start doing more fun stuff and just be more relaxed about life. And then our state’s parliament screwed these plans up for me as we’ll have unexpected  elections mid-May. Which means hell of a lot of work for a lot of people. Including me *sighs*

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And over the last few weeks or even months I was already stressed out by my work situation to begin with. I usually don’t write much about it on here and I won’t do that in this post. I’m just frustrated a lot, because it’s not the job I was trained to do and it’s not a job I really want to keep doing for the rest of my life. I’m overqualified (if that even is the right term in English) and thus sometimes am expected to take on assignments which usually wouldn’t be part of my job description, but actually lay in my coworker’s responsibility. I don’t mind doing this work per se, it’s just frustrating to see that I’m not adequately paid for doing it. I know in times like these I should be grateful to have a job at all and I am. I just sometimes – and recently more often that not – think I could do better somewhere else. Although that’s also not quite true. The scared and insecure little girl inside of me is convinced that she can not do better anywhere else and thus the woman, that I am, is still stuck with this job and getting more frustrated and unhappy with it week after week.

It’s so easy to say: “Well, just do something about it. Change something in your life” but it’s so incredibly hard to really actually do that. For me anyway with my selfdoubt and insecurities and tendency to dwell on the past or or imagine my future (in both good and bad ways). I know I have to start being more present and mindful and aware of the moment and to change my attitude towards a lot of things. It’s just easier said than done. I’ve picked up reading ‘The Power of Now’ and there is so much stuff in that book which really hits home. Scary in a way, but also uplifting. Because it describes the weird uneasiness in perfect words and makes me realize that a) I’m not alone in this and b) there is a way out of it. I just have to take the steps. One by one…

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When I started this post a few days ago I had planned to write about other stuff that was stressing me out, but by now that feeling has passed and I don’t want to spend time re-visting it. I’m glad I’m over it and was able to let it go. I know it will roar it’s ugly head sooner or later anyway.

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There also were a few more topics I had actually planned to comment upon, but I’ll keep those for another post (hopefully). What else am I doing at the moment? I’m busy catching up with “Switched at Birth” and after that I really should get to watching the last 15 or so episodes of “The Big Bang Theory” which I have missed this season. I still have to check out “Awake”. I very much enjoy “The Good Wife” this year and am so glad I started watching this show to begin with. “Grey’s Anatomy” had such a nice first half of the season in the fall, but the second half can’t keep up with it. By now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Paddy and Ellen will leave the show after this season, because I’m so tired of the rest of the show, but don’t have enough willpower to just stop watching it.

Talking about Paddy: As a “fan-girl” I’m so incredibly happy that he has joined Twitter, because his tweets are definitely fun to read. A few days ago his wife Jillian joined Twitter as well and with only a few tweets she proved that the Dempseys really are the most adorable couple and family. This tweet? Too cute for words!