Well I didn’t win the contest.  BUT!  I found out that I was awarded a consolation prize just for being a funny guy!

AAAWWWEEESSSOOOMMMEEE!!!!!

So I interrupted the regularly scheduled program of getting my kiddo ready for bed to see what I got!

Here it is in all it’s glory.  A coffee mug, poker chips, card, hat, and keychain according to customs

Imagine my excitement when I got the package!

My daughter was excited too.  So excited, she tried to steal the package from me.

She got it, which somehow magically made me warp backwards and rage

We compromized and decided to open to together

Kaylee was excited to find out it was chocolate.  I almost cried.

So here goes nothing, let’s check out our chocolate…

Hey this isn’t chocolate!!! It’s a CANADIAN GOLDMINE!

So I put the kid ot bed and decided to play with some of my new awesome Canadian Toys!

DRINKBAIT!

Wow, that shot was smooth.  And I spilled some on my shirt

Hey it worked!

I heard my daughter come back down stairs, and thought I would give her a little Canadian surprise!  Canadian Rally sticks FTW!

But she retaliated with a viscious combo attack

And that was pretty much the where it ended.  I put her back to bed, and resumed pimping the web, only now with a pile of Canadian AWESOMENESS!

Thanks Canadian SEO!

So from here on out, this blog can officially be declared a “dofollow” blog.  And on top of that, my Phoenix SEO blog is going dofollow as well.

If you participate, you deserve a little love.  It’s the least I can do.

Thanks for joining the discussion. Enjoy your little slice of link pop :-)

Dave’s looking sharper than ever; standing at the alter in his tux, plams sweating, so focused on whats about to happen that he’s not even checking his iPhone for Twitter updates.  Carolyn walks in the room, looking absolutely ravishing.  Heads turn, and twitpic lights up with mobile uploads of our SEO darling in the most beautiful wedding dress Adsense ever bought.

All of the sudden, “Here Comes the Bride” is scratched to a halt and Europe’s “The Final Countdown” starts blasting over the speakers.  Strobe lights, fog, lights camera action.  Chris Hooley is elevated from a platform below the stage, pounding a beer bong like it’s spring break. “KISS THAT BRIDE MANG SO WE CAN GET THIS PARTY STARTEEEEEED!”

Dave busts out a rock the size of a softball (paid for by his newly launched pyramid affiliate scheme), pops it on Carolyn’s dainty finger, and Hooley screams “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU SEO MAN AND SEO WIFE (#2)”.

This Could Happen, Really.

I can legally perform a marriage for any of you SEO rockstars, and turn your special day into a virtual circus.  For a small fee, or some kick ass links to some of my most prized web properties, THE Chris Hooley can do YOUR honors.  Because I’m now an ordained priest.

I’m a Dudeist Priest.

If you’re interested in hiring me to get the deed done, I take PayPal, money orders, Google Checkout, or XLS sheets filled with hot link locations.  I also do birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and I’m a notary public.

If you wanna learn more about how to become a dudeist priest yourself, I’m selling an ebook with convoluted instructions so I can make it seem more complicated than it really is and charge a fee for it, even though it’s free at this site over here.  So give me money and let’s turn your wedding into a real party!

Some of the people in the industry that I pegged as pure BS artists are landing clients faster than those with the skills that SHOULD pay the bills.  And it is not by virtue of their ability to rank a site or run an advertising campaign, it’s their ability to BS clients that’s getting them the work.

Don’t get me wrong, I respect your hustle Mr. Snake Oil.  You make more calls, kiss more ass, go to more “networking” events, and hand out more business cards.  You work for yours.  But where are your clients’ sites when you’re done with them?

I’ve been on the frontlines recently.  Pushing out proposals like a madman, researching people’s sites, and checking out the work left behind by previous SEO firms.  What I see, quite frankly, embarasses me.  Mostly because I am getting lumped in with these guys.  Then I get the client’s sob story about their previous experience.  It usually sounds something like this:

“They were great.  We had bi-weekly phone meetings, we used this neat little tool to track our progress, I got reports with graphs in them, and I even rank number one for “Arizona Mortgage Refinancing Specialist Ahwatukee AZ”.  But I just can’t afford the 8k a month retainer anymore“.

Or worse, this:

“They were terrible.  I had a really bad experience with [insert well known company] who promised me rankings.  They charged my 8k a month, and even had the gall to send more invoices when I asked for even the smallest changes“.

My interpretation of both scenarios leads to the same conclusion.

Scenario 1 - You’re a  good bullshitter.  You made your client believe they were getting a value from your shoddy service, overcharged, and dried up the well.

Scenario 2 - You’re a good bullshitter. You made your client believe they were going to get a value for your shoddy service, overcharged, and scared a client from using a better company’s web marketing services down the road.

You’re Doing It Wrong

Either way, I am seeing shoddy work from previous firms and agencies. They’re leaving huge holes in their campaigns.  I’m proposing lower prices than companies were used to paying their old crappy vendors.  I’m seeing low hanging fruit and easy wins for my potential clients.  And I am still having to hustle way more than I ever thought I would have to, just to save a potential client back to the good side of the force.  The fish that normally would be jumping in the boat, are still on the edge.

In cases like these, where clients have been burned, it doesn’t matter that I have rankings and case studies to prove my ability.  It doesn’t matter that I have ringing endorsements from referrals.  It doesn’t matter that I have no problem contracting out clauses or adding performance clauses to mitigate cost risk.  People just have a harder time trusting SEO companies in general, because of the BS artists who left trash in their wake.

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em?

Part of me wishes I had a better line of BS. Maybe I should have gone to more events to glad hand realtors, lawyers, and loan sharks.  Or maybe worked on my fake smiles a little more.  Tried to kiss more ass…

But that part of me IS BS.  I’m actually happy with the being a “no bullshit” kind of guy, even if I am not getting as many clients as more polished sales persons with less skill.  It’s just a shame that the pool of potential clients out there has been tarnished by slicksters who are all style, and little substance.

Wish me luck, I am glued to analytics and my heart is pumping.  I hope this works!

It has to.  Failure is not an option.