Chris Martin's Blog

My Baby Beloved

2018-07-04T15:01:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 33504.7

It's been a month since Woogies was taken from outside Dollar Tree on Juan Tabo and Menaul. My baby, my best friend...taken from me! He was all that I had left in the world...literally!

I made the most terrible mistake ever! That was leaving him outside and alone in his carrier for a fre minutes while I ran inside to buy him food. You cannot trust anyone these days. I am so heartbroken by this. It's a tragidy. A member of my family was kidnapped in seconds and never seen by me since.

I've tried all kinds of things... Newspaper ads, flyers, Craigslist, and Nextdoor. Not one lead or tip. Nothing! Will I ever see him again? I hope so.

I've Done It Again

2016-09-21T02:01:00.001-06:00

Stardate: 31772.6

It's hard to believe that I put so much effort and thought into trying to get someone to like me. I only got hurt in the end. Now, as I try getting back to normal, I can't help but look back at everything. I was stupid to think that he would be interested in me at all. I was in complete denial the whole time. It put an emptiness inside me I never felt before. I've been heartbroken before, but this one really got to me. I've never been shut out before. I'll never get an explanation, I'll never know what happened or what changed...Now, all I can do is try to forget and try and pick up my self esteem.

The Return

2016-04-09T12:16:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 31552.8

Well, I’m back…like anyone cares. I haven’t written since July of 2012. Since that time, I’ve have tons of things to bitch about! I can tell you that I’m a completely different person then I was then. That’s partly why I stopped writing. A lot of crazy things have happened to me. A lot of things I learned and grew from. Things that I suffered and struggled through. Not all of it was bad. There were some good times, but the most memorable times were, of course, the bad.
Growing up is something everyone does. I guess at the ripe old age of 30 is finally the time that I decide to grow up. I never embraced responsibility, at least, not until it was forced upon me. I realize how that might sound, but sadly, it’s true.
I guess you can say that I was very spoiled growing up. I had everything I needed, lots of things I wanted, and never had to worry about anything. Getting everything you ever wanted simply by throwing a tantrum was a manipulative was of getting what I want. Since it worked about 80% of the time, that's what I did.

Now fending for myself, that doesn't work so much. I have to find ways around my childish tenancies and do things the hard way.

The Beginning of the End

2012-07-11T21:59:00.001-06:00

Stardate: 27529.3

The year 2012 has been dubbed, by most, the year the world is going to end. Since human beings cannot foresee the future, the ability to predict such an event is practically impossible. No one even knows how it’s going to all end…that is something that everyone has to figure out when the end occurs. In the meantime, we wait…

However, I do not believe the world will end, not this year or anytime in the near future…but someday…

Just in case the end is right around the corner, this is the beginning of the end. So many people believe this because an ancient civilization created their complicated version of a calendar which is calculated to stop on winter solstice, December 21,2012. I don’t think it occurred to anyone that they may have never finished it. We can really ask them because they were wiped out long ago. So, it just caught on for everyone that 2012 was the year the world was going to end.

Now that we are almost to that point, to me, it seems unlikely anything will happen. Who really knows? I can tell you that this year, so far, has been a weird one. Scratch that! It’s been one hell of a crazy year, one I will remember forever. It’s extremely difficult to forget, not just my world falling apart, but my life as well. People who I thought I trusted have all turned on me. There is not one human being I can trust with anything. The minute things between myself and anyone else seem to be alright…that’s when they turn on you and for reasons that don’t seem to make any sense at all…asking the question, why…you lose everything with that person that actual time was spent putting together, the friendship. It’s gone!

When the realization kicks in that nothing in my life is going to ever be the same again, I seclude myself. I hide. Everything in that moment seems so impossible. Things literally feet away became to far to reach, things that were simple to accomplish became unbearable to deal with, everything freezes like it’s standing still. The movie is on pause with no remote control to push play…my life is not going anywhere, I’m stuck!

All alone in this place where the others have all turned against me…it sucks! But I know that I’m alive anyway…I have to deal with the people in world. I have to do something for myself and get on track. If the end of the world IS near, then doing anything seems to be a hopeless cause. I’m only just beginning so close to the end. I had all the time in the world to better myself and start living an actual life, but waited until it was too late…damn!

The Universe

2011-07-08T21:06:00.001-06:00

Stardate: 26515.9

The universe has its mysterious ways about it…after all, it just popped into existence one day. Before that, who knows?

The extreme vastness of the universe expands far beyond the eye can see. It’s governed by laws of strange phenomenon that takes complicated mathematics to understand. Matter is built by the tiniest of things and bound by gravity, create massive objects that bend and fold space itself. Stars forge heavier elements creating me, you, and everything around us…

The most massive of objects collapse into infinity, not to be seen again, but devour anything in its wake. Swirling up all matter around it, black holes form galaxies and slowly dance with one another in the dark voids of space.

The universe is amazing…we may never discover it’s secrets…where did we come from? Where are we going? What’s the reason for all this?

Discovering the mysteries of the universe is as old as our understanding itself. It gives those of us with the curiosity to explore the great unknowns to better ourselves and the rest of humanity. We achieve our power through understanding and knowledge.

Conspiracy Theory!

2010-09-21T10:25:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 25723.3

Letting your imagination run wild can be a very bad thing. You think you know someone...They tell you things and you believe everything they say. However, sometimes their actions contradict their words. When that happens, I start believing that they are working against me in the worst ways. If I'm left in the dark too long, my mind keeps wondering and wondering until I start believing things I put together. Then, I freak out and explode. I make such a mess of things out of what could be nothing...yet still could also be true.

I'm frustrated with the fact that I care so much about this guy, I do very generous things for him and go out of my way to make sure he's happy. He's been through a lot...more than one person alone should go through...I’m always there for him…and I get nothing, just the hard emotions that come with it. I don't ask for anything in return except for his attention and some time to spend with him.

I started to think that he was just using me, calling me only when he needed something and then start avoiding and ignoring me when he didn’t. He does things that make me question how he really feels. I just want him to be safe and happy…that’s all! But, it’s like he doesn’t want that or something…I don’t know.

Tabula Rasa...

2010-08-22T01:50:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 25639.9

You know when you do something you kind of regret doing and wish you had that handy time machine to take you back to stop you from doing it...boy, wouldn't that be the day? You're minding your own damn business, when suddenly your crazy, future self appears from thin air, and stopping you from doing something stupid...which would defeat the purpose of you having to go back in time, in the future, to stop yourself from doing nothing you ever did because your future self stopped you from doing it...

Anyways, I know everyone has done something they just wish they had never done. Unfortunately, time travel isn't possible. Making mistakes is all part of the human learning process. Though, sometimes it would be nice if everyone was born knowing all the secrets of the universe...mistakes wouldn't be made.

I owe someone a huge debt of gratitude, for the mistake I made with him, others would see as unforgiveable. It takes real patience and a good heart to forgive me for what I had done. After I realized I was making a big mistake, all I wanted was a damn time machine. The damage was done, but hearing him say, “it’s okay,” was such a huge relief. It was as though I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, taking it a long distance while the continued to build and build…I was suddenly allowed to drop the weight and given tabula rasa, a clean slate…

I will certainly learn from my mistake…the whole point of learning from mistakes is to know not to ever do it again. I was given another chance by the most wonderful and understanding person. I couldn’t ask for anything else…not even a time machine.

The Best of Times, The Worst if Times…

2010-08-19T21:15:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 25634.0

I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I get lost in this perfect world where everything is peaceful and happy. I can’t figure out why I attach myself to certain people. I always end up hurting myself…

I thought I found love. Turns out, I was kidding myself. I meet this guy, we fool around, we start talking, and suddenly, I care about him. On a level beyond friends, beyond anything I've ever experienced, we seriously connected. I could call him my best friend. He is so kind, so sweet, and so sincere. I'm surprised that someone like him exists in this world. The feeling I got when I looked at him and smiled, I knew that he loved me too. Then, something happened…something changed and suddenly, that feeling was gone.

Though he claims I did nothing, he says it’s him…that he’s going through a lot and can’t handle a relationship and that we should be friends. I guess I’m a good friend because that’s usually what it turns out to be. I was devastated. That’s when I turned into an emotional mess. Why? When the two of us connected so well and have a lot in common and care about each other, why would he push me away? I feel like I must have made it all up in my head, but I know there was something there. I know it!

I don’t know why I cling to people like that. I push too hard for a relationship when I should just let things happen. Now I’m left with so many unanswered questions and a lost, lonely feeling inside. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I never met him so I wouldn’t feel like this…but I know that that is wrong. I love this guy, I’ll stand by him, I’ll fight for him…but who knows.

I have the best time hang out with him…joking, laughing, talking, or just being in his company. I have the worst time dealing with my feelings inside…of doubt, remorse, and rejection. I’m angry at myself for getting so close and caring so much for a guy that doesn’t feel the same way. Though the feelings I have for him won’t go away, I know I’ll make it. Hopefully, something good will come out of all of this.

The Alternative

2010-05-22T11:15:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 25391.4

The other day, as I was watching Lost. At the end of last season, they blew up a nuclear device 30 years in the past. The beginning of this season they started showing an alternate universe where the plane they were on never crashed and landed safely in Los Angeles. The nuclear device potentially stopped the construction of a hatch designed to control the instability of a magnetic pocket of energy on the island, which caused the plane to crash.

In this universe, I certainly have not lived up to my potential. I want to be somebody important in this world, somebody who makes a difference. There is no doubt in my mind that I am this person in an alternate universe.

I personally do not believe in alternate universes. I believe that time is only a human perception of something that had happened in a blink of an eye. Everything we know is set in stone. We are living our lives on predetermined path with a fork in the road. Go left or go right. It is only people’s imagination of what could have been that allow the idea of alternate universes. We can choose any number of decisions at one point. In the end, you are only aware of the one choice you made, not the alternative. You either go left or you go right, you simply cannot do both.

It gets you thinking though. I think about the choices I have made and my possible outcomes to every bad decision. I cannot go back in time and blow up a nuclear device to change my life but I can learn from every mistake and focus on making better decisions in the future. Maybe I will be somebody someday...

Ringing In The New Year...

2009-12-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

Stardate: 24991.7

For what was suppose to be The Year of The Phenomenon, it turned into The Year of Total Bullshit! I would like every year to be a good year. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. In the case of 2009, it was horrible.

I don't ever want to label a year good or bad anymore. 2009 has been a total nightmare from the beginning. I guess having high hopes brought down my whole positive aspect of what was suppose to be a year of moving forward…instead, my life went backwards. So many things went wrong, it feels as though nothing good came out of this year. I lost my nice job at APS, I went to jail and dealt with a year of court drama, I had so many social imperfections, and I’ve become so distant from my family. It’s just so depressing…

I am ready for something new. I need to change my life around. I am sick of being stuck in a dead end. There is no time better than the start of a new year to change things around. I want to be happy again. I need things to go my way. 2010 is the year I’m going to make a few adjustments that will hopefully turn everything 180 degrees back in the right direction.

First thing’s first! I’m going back to school. I’m going to go for a pharmacy technician degree in the fall. I need to start my prerequisites this spring to get ready for the fall term. No more fucking around. I need a job that can support my way of living. I can’t stay at Sonic forever.

Next, I need to get rid of all the shitty people in my life that are holding me back. This includes people that are roughly judgmental. I’m sick of people that are closed minded and can’t think for themselves. I care for the people that care about themselves and others and treat people as equals. I’m ready to welcome new people that can see the world as I do.

Last, I need to focus on the future. My future. As everyone should say to themselves, “This is my world, everyone else is just living in it.” Drama that isn’t my own will no longer be tolerated. It’s time I worry about my life and not other people’s messy lives. Everyone is forced to coexist with one another, but not forced to involve themselves in someone else’s life. Drama is only a distraction from my goals.

2010 is the year my life is going to change. If I keep my head up high, I can strive to be the person I have longed to be…to be someone in this world.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and wish everyone good luck on their resolutions. It’s not going to be easy, but everyone deserves some hope. Happy 2010!

Lost Things Better Off Lost.

2009-12-22T12:35:00.000-07:00

Stardate: 24974.4

When it comes to friendship, friends are suppose to be there for you in a time of need. Friends are who you turn to, after all. It hurts when they turn against you and it hurts even worse when they totally replace you with someone else.

When my friend started hanging out with this guy he met,I got a little jealous. He’s with him all the time. He must be a better friend than me or maybe we just aren’t as close of friends as I thought. Things are complicated.

I’ve been there for him when he needed me countless times. I never expected he would turn on me the way he did. Suddenly, I’m out of the picture and when I need him to be there for me, I was rejected. Some friend, huh?

I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact that I don’t matter to someone I care about. Things are awkward now and I have to see him all the time. Things can’t ever be the same because trust is something hard to gain back. My trust in him was totally betrayed.

The feelings I once had for him are now lost…and probably better off lost. I just wish there was an easier way to deal with this situation, but like I said, it’s complicated…oh well!

Knowing Who Your True Friends Are…

2009-12-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

Stardate: 24948.3

There is nothing worse than losing a friend. Someone you care about who you thought cares about you too. A friend by definition is a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. People can tend to make bad decisions sometimes and do things that can hurt a friend. Trust is something hard to earn back once its lost.

I feel so betrayed by someone I considered my best friend. For a time, we told each other everything. But now, he won’t even talk to me. Even though the feelings are still there, I know I have to let go. I’m not going to let another human being emotionally compromise my life. I am sad but it’s over. There are better friends out there. I just need to be careful and know who my true friends are. Friends won’t make me feel like this.

Going Nowhere Fast…

2009-11-17T23:30:00.000-07:00

Stardate: 24880.3

I always try to do the right thing by being an honest and nice person. But who am I kidding? I’m a mess…my life is a mess. I know it and everyone else knows it. I concern myself with other people’s problems when I should be worrying about myself right now.

I’ve got to bury the giant hole I dug myself before I end up getting stuck in it. There is so much drama I’m battling all at once, it seems so overwhelming. If I don’t start cleaning up, I have no doubt I’ll end up in that hole.

I feel like I’m held back from my full potential. The game I’m in doesn’t play fair. It’s like I’m going nowhere fast. The emotions, the drugs, the drama, the court mess…they all play a negative part in my life I wish I can erase. Life is simply not that simple. I need some help to get out, just not sure how to get it…

Where My Heart Belongs…

2009-11-16T02:00:00.000-07:00

Stardate: 24875.2

Out of all the people in the world, there is only one person right now I have true feelings for. My heart belongs to Javier. I never felt this way for anyone as strongly as I do with him. I’ve been searching for that special someone forever now. I’ve searched hard, and in it all, I’ve been crushed and hurt so many times. As soon as I give up on the idea of having my special guy, he came out of nowhere and literally surprised the hell out of me.

Even though he currently lives far away, the time we had spent together was unforgettable. He is one of a kind. I respect him for the kind and sweet heart he has. Being so far away from him brought me down. I never felt it so hard to part with someone. When we parted ways and continued our separate lives, there was not day I didn’t think about why I shouldn’t just pack up and leave everything I know and love to be closer to him.

The happiest news I got recently was when Javier told me he was coming back. I now have a second chance to be with the guy I love. Hopefully, he’ll be here long enough for me to figure out where I want to go in life. It’s opened a door in the way I look at my future. I hope he feels the same too.

I loves you, Javi! MUAH!

Whatever Is Clever...

2009-11-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

Stardate: 24848.9

Though the year has been very unpleasant and unkind at times, I’ve tolerated the tough confrontations that have come my way. I feel like I am consistently on trial as though I was charged for a crime I did not commit in some past lifetime. I should stop feeling like I am being punished for living my life. I am tired of playing victim and ready to move on.

I believe it is wise to remain optimistic. Things could be as grim as day, but when looking at things in a different light, it alters the meaning and true feelings one has of all that may oppose. Strength comes from gaining knowledge of challenging experiences and learning to combat them subsequently.

In other words, it’s been a rough year. Nothing seemed to go my way. I got through the challenges and now I’m ready to move on. I learned to accept everything the way it is and be more optimistic. I see now that the only reason why I had a bad year was because I made it a bad year just by seeing everything in the negative rather than positive.

Trapped Between Somewhere And Nowhere!

2009-10-31T17:00:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24832.4

It isn't quite clear where I belong. The world is chaotic and cruel. There are many people I don’t trust, people that pretend they care but don’t, and people that use me for what little I have. It’s confusing to decipher what people’s intensions really are as to who I can trust.

People are selfish. Everyone always does what’s in the best interest of themselves. Trust is a risky thing because people may decide to act with you or against you at their own will. Putting trust in someone is something I have a tough time doing. I have been betrayed many, many times. So the people I put my trust in are special because I hardly trust anyone.

Emotions are often a factor in social situations. I try not to become emotionally compromised by my feelings. Sometimes my feelings get the best of me and left in ruins and forced to move on. Whether someone cares about me or my feelings or not, pretending to care is something people do. I’ve been hurt by someone who told me they don’t want to hurt me. Why bother?

I hate and resent the feeling of being rejected or judged. I know that no one can help being who they are…I can’t help being who I am. I try being as socially acceptable as possible. I am a nice and generous person and share what little I may have. Some people see it as a venerability and take advantage of me. I don’t mind help others out, but when people abuse my generosity for their satisfaction, I become less kind and not as giving.

It’s hard not knowing your place in the world. It’s difficult deciding who’s with you and who’s against you…who you can trust and who you can’t…who cares and who couldn’t give a flying fuck! Feelings like this leave me trapped between somewhere and nowhere, wherever that may be. I have to face the world and all it’s challenges. Once again I realize I am all alone.

The Bright Sides

2009-10-09T05:00:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24772.0

Though the world is filled with unfortunate incidents, the bad things that make life difficult at times, there is always a way to look on the bright sides of things…

I’ve noticed that like to play victim. When something bad will happen to me, I seem to always make things sound worse than they actually are. Poor me, right? I am not the dead center of the universe. As bad as I may feel when these unfortunate incidents happen, it really doesn’t matter.

In my 24 years of life, I have been though a lot. I can say that what hasn’t killed me has surely made me stronger. Sometimes bad things can be good. The power of knowledge is my driving force, as it is with everyone. If we never experience pain, we will never learn how to heal from it.

Looking on the bright sides of things, even in the darkest situations, can help emotionally. There are always going to be unfortunate incidents. It’s how we deal with them which determine our strength.

Repetition

2009-10-08T07:45:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24769.6

I hate dealing with emotional bullshit. I don’t know why I do this over and over again…get too attached to certain people. When I start to like someone, they will quickly be all I will think about. It’s an enormous problem for both me and the other person. I haven’t been able to keep myself from becoming clingy. The other person is usually trying to brush me off because who wants a clinger? I know I don’t.

I am a nice and a generous person. I like making people I care about happy. I will admit that I am a lonely person just looking for companionship. I think of myself as a social retard. I don’t fit in with most groups of people. I’m quiet and to myself in social situations mostly because I like having semi-intellectual conversations. The topic of most conversations are about usual, irrelevant, everyday bullshit. The punishment for being a social retard…loneliness.

I guess in the end, I just want companionship. I just want someone who can feel the same way I do about them. I start feeling sad and hopeless when I get rejected by someone I like. I feel like I should have LOSER tattooed to my forehead sometimes. I know that I am who I am I can’t do much to dramatically change that and excepted that. I’m really not one to judge others, but I feel judged and rejected by a lot of people. It’s not fair.

I would like to try fitting in with other people. I don’t care about being cool or widely accepted by everyone. I just don’t want to be lonely anymore and pouring my heart out to my blog. I hope I can someday find my lost happiness.

The Roller Coaster…of Love!

2009-10-04T10:30:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24759.2

I am on an emotional roller coaster with guys, let me tell you…

Recently, this summer, I met Javier. He is someone I didn’t expect to meet nor have feelings for. I was at the club and wanted to dance with the cute boy Russell was dancing with. I jumped in between them both and suddenly, Javier’s attention was focused on me. We did our thing that night, but started getting to know each other. I fell in love with this guy who admires me too. The only problem is that he lives in Phoenix, Arizona. To me that is a completely different world. If I could just pick my life up here and drop it off there, I would. It’s just too far away from everything I know. It is the same for him too. He can’t just leave and come here.

I called him one night to tell him good night and tell him I love him. After we hung up, he calls me back crying and telling me that he can’t do it anymore. It seemed like something he has been holding in and just dying to let out. I became depressed. Though I knew things between us would never work, I kept hoping for the best and ignored the fact that he was so far away. I excepted it and decided to move on.

Rob was next, I met him a few weeks later. He sent me a sweet message on MySpace. We met and chilled together. I noticed right away that he liked me way too much. He tried rushing things on me. Things like feelings. I simply didn’t feel as strong toward him as he did with me. I tried explaining how he needed to slow things down and stop thinking of me as property…that’s kind of how I felt. I took some time to myself for a while, like a week, and he took it I didn’t what to talk to him and freaked out.

Then, came Drew, who recently became a good friend of mine. We both work together and started hanging out. We hooked up one night and after that I started developing feelings for him. He’s not like most people. When most people just say things others want to hear, he sounds mostly sincere rather than lie about it. I respect him for that. He doesn’t have feelings for me, however. It’s like I keep hoping he’ll change his mind…but I know he won’t. A dead end for love, but an awesome and caring friend.

Finally, there is Craig, someone I met through my friend, Justin. Justin likes me and I kind of like Justin, but when I met Craig, I went gaga over him. Craig flatters me in odd ways. He makes me feel comfortable around him. We joke around with each other a lot. I don’t know if he likes me as a boy or like a boyfriend. Either way, I look up to him and respect him. He’s a fun guy to be around.

Emotions run up and down with each guy. It is like a roller coaster. I get too attached too fast and get too hurt. In the end, whoever I may be with, I know that everything will be fine. My feelings are tough to hurt. I am a nice person outside but tough as diamonds inside. Emotions are irrelevant. They can be manipulated and controlled. I try to love and be loved, but it’s as if I can love anyone, yet no one really, truly cares about me. I guess I have to just except it and move on. Someday, I’ll be happy without trying so hard to look like it. Hopefully…

Summer’s End…

2009-09-21T22:30:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24724.7

Summer is my favorite time of the year. There is no cold weather to worry about. Though the days are sweltering, the nights are warm. Just how I like it. Today was the last full day of summer. Summer with officially end and the equinox begins at 15:19 tomorrow. I’m going to miss it.

Work Related Bad Ideas…

2009-09-21T02:10:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24722.4

When I was 18, I fell for a guy I worked with. Back then I was young and stupid with emotions and got too attached to him. His name was Jason. At the time, I didn’t realize how bad of an idea dating someone you work with was. There was always tension between us and it was really awkward.

He was the first person I really ever fell for. Being young and stupid, I didn’t know what love was, but I sure thought I did. Though he didn’t really have any feelings for me, the feelings I had for him were strong and they were certainly there. After he expresses his lack of feelings for me saying I was nothing more than a booty call, I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do, things started to get messy. I was angry and I felt used. I was so heartbroken.

If I had never experienced my obsession with Jason, I wouldn’t be the way I am today. The feelings I felt made me stronger in way. I see it now as a huge mistake and if I could go back and change it, I would. I learned a valuable lesson, not to let my emotions, whether they are good or bad, get the best of me.

Dating someone at work became a big no no! A workplace can become very stressful. Any drama would have to be dropped at the door. To have feelings for someone you work with plus the added work stress plus seeing them more often than you’d like to see anyone equal tension and frustration. It’s something I said I’d never do again…

But guess what? I kind of have feelings for this guy I work with. I don’t know, when I started there, I never really noticed him and I thought he didn’t like me very much. Not a lot of people do, however, I don’t really care. After working with him for several months, I thought he was an asshole the way he talked to me in a kind of spiteful tone. When I started working more nights, when he usually works, we started to kick it and get to know each other a little better. I guess I kind of started to like him, but in the front of my mind, that alarm would go off, BIG NO NO!

One night he had some alcohol and shared with me. We started getting a little playful and before I knew what my stupid drunk ass just did, we hooked up. I haven’t been able to get him off my mind since…

Mixed signals, one telling me I like him, another telling me to think about things for a minute, and another saying to go for it. We both agreed to remain friends because we work together. It really hurt me to be the one to bring that up. Though it’s for the best for both of us, I do really like this guy and I really do care about him and what happens to him. It’s strange and it’s weird because I can’t explain why I have these feelings.

I don’t know what to do. I try to avoid the feelings and think about something else, but in the end, I feel like crap because I can’t have him. I get so angry and jealous when he talks about his ex or other guys. I get excited to see him at work or if we’re just kicking it. At this point, I have no idea what to do. Every fiber in my being tells me to forget about it and move on, but for some reason I can’t explain, I can’t.

The Crazy Life!

2009-09-19T00:30:00.001-06:00

Stardate: 24716.6

Since I was about 15, I started having views in which contradicted views I was raised on. I started looking at the world more logically...more scientifically. Things began making more sense explained in a scientific view rather than a religious view. I saw the world as a very chaotic place because religion was the cause of wars and hatred. The world is politically divided and bordered because people cannot get along. I don't see why...

The belief of God or any higher power started looking like a made up lie. I mean how can anyone create man in his image, give us the power of free will, and damn us all to hell for any wrong doing, yet still loves us all the same? Crazy!!! Even at 15, I believe people are delusional and very closed mined.

Since then, I became a rebel. Everything I was taught was bad, I figured...what the hell?Here begins the crazy life. Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, staying out late, and finding crazy trouble became something I enjoyed doing. To this date, the crazy seems to follow me. I turned from good and innocent to crazy because I dropped faith in God and in the world. I think I just stopped caring about whether God was watching or not. If he was, then where was he?

I enjoy the crazy life, things seem to be more fun...more interesting...more challenging. I don't see it going away for some time.

09/09/09

2009-09-09T09:09:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24689.9 (09/09/09 09:09)

Today is a special day. According to those some circa 2000 years or so or whatever ago...people were aware of the night sky's repetition year after year. 365 1/4 days were created to fully complete a cycle everyone knows as a year. 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, 4 seasons with 2 equinoxes and 2 solstices. Tracking the sky is how we have been able to figure out shit about our universe. It’s a crazy thing. So, with setting a milestone, we have come 2009 years. The date is set and it is September 9th, 2009 making it 09/09/09.

The Past Ten Days or So…

2009-08-27T11:15:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24654.4

Wow, I haven't had the time to blog for a while. I need to get back up on that shit. I had a crazy past 10 days or so...

The stress of going to court is unbearable and builds more and more the closer it gets to the date. It’s stressful because I don’t have a clue what will happen to me. Every time I’ve gone, all they seem to do is want to put me in jail. They always find something random that I never showed up to that I never knew about. It’s a crazy mess. Now, they keep postponing later and later. It’s driving me nuts! I just want this gone.

Right before having to go to court, I smashed my fucking thumb into the car door as I was shutting it. The nail is going to fall off. The smashing it part didn’t hurt as much as the rejection part. This thing is nasty…it’s been fun showing people and grossing them out. Yeah so, I hit the bottom part of the nail. I watched it turn from pink to red to blue to purple to black. Once it was black it started spreading through the whole nail. The pain was insane, I couldn’t sleep two days because of it. There wasn’t much to do but bitch and whine to myself about it. I was careful not to let anything touch it. It’s fine now. It’s gross.

Not too long after, I started feeling nauseous. I stared getting a fever and started throwing up until there was nothing at all anymore to throw up. I could keep any food down or move or walk. Pepto worked for five minutes until that would go to. That was my secret weapon against what ever motherfucking virus this was. By day 3, I was considering going to the hospital. But my boyfriend, Rob, invited me over to take care of me. He did a good job too. I finally stopped throwing up but the nausea slowly started going away and I finally stopped. This was no swine flu. Shit, I would have gladly taken that instead. No one else I came in contact with got sick, so luckily it wasn’t contagious. On the other hand, the past 10 days for me have been hell. I was finally able to fall and stay asleep. That’s all I did yesterday, like all day. It was wonderful.

All Hands To Battle Stations…

2009-07-20T20:00:00.000-06:00

Stardate: 24553.2

There are so many things in the world that are corrupt that I can't even begin to understand...some I don't even want to. It's strange how we consider ourselves as free people. But, if you thought really hard about it, you'd realize that we're not. We live under a false sense of security thinking that we're safe when we can succumb to an infinite number of possible things. Whether it be justified or not, we live in a realm of the unknown. There is nothing else in the world that scares the living shit out of me more than that.

Time is a curious thing, we live as of now. What's been done is done and there is no way to change the past. The future is unpredictable but we have access to choose the outcome. Everything is chosen by us as sentient beings and excepted or regretted. I have no choice but to except the inevitable. There are a few things I do regret...

First, I regret getting in trouble. I'm a good person and even though I need to take the punishment for my crimes, I still don't want to face it and I still don't think I deserve it. Second, I regret meeting a boy I absolutely fell in love with, who popped out of nowhere, and not moving my messed up life to Phoenix and starting over like I should have. It's too late for that now. Third, I regret making everything seem like it is okay. I know that for the past few months things haven't been okay, things aren't okay, and I'm not really sure whether or not things will ever be okay. I sure as hell don't have anyone here telling me it going to be okay.

I live as though my ship is being sailed straight into the heart of the enemy. There is a war and it's all hands to battle stations. No hope of escape, no hope of survival, just waiting for the attack. Everyone must do there best, despite the odds, and fight to the bitter end...just as we do in real life. We are not safe, but we all do the best we can, and that's all we really can do.