Although I didn’t feel exactly ready to enter into a committed relationship I did feel ready to have a bit of fun, so last Christmas I put a profile on Plenty of Fish – a free dating site.  It was only several weeks before I “met” a guy – quite by accident.

You are able to narrow your search for a prospective date based on geographical area – among other things.  Somehow I had accidently expanded the search by clicking on a profile.  Then another gentleman came up.  I read through his profile and wanted to write – until I saw that he lived about 3 hours away.

So, tongue in cheek, I wrote and asked if he had a twin brother in my area.  One thing led to another and we became “pen pals”.  He was living and working in Washington DC.  We wrote for four months and I loved it.  I enjoyed our conversations, loved the lack of pressure and the distance and enjoyed his personality.

But when it felt right to talk on the phone he had already started dating someone else he met on Match and wanted to pursue that relationship first.  I understood that and wished him well.

I liked Doug and thought there was real potential there but you can’t cry over spilled milk – cause it won’t put the milk back in the glass.  Not that I wasn’t sad for two months – probably longer than I was sad about the break up of my marriage.

It did teach me that there are more pitfalls to dating than I remembered after 22 years of marriage. And as much as I may be able to imagine what those pitfalls are or learn to recognize them – I still have to experience a few and grieve a little.

Was he born like this or did he just regress as the years went by?

My sister has a theory about that – but I don’t think it’s good conversation in mixed company!

I have four children.  I love them all – they each have their own unique talents and challenges.  My youngest boy, however, is just different.  He’s sweet, compassionate, giving, loving and fun to be around.  I don’t love him more or less than the others – I just recognize his differences.

The theory is that the ex is jealous of the youngest boy because he perceived that this child took me away from him.  That somehow Freud’s theories were scrambled and the man became jealous of the boy.

No matter.

The other day the ex called and got the youngest on the phone.  He asked if the older two were home.  They weren’t.

He proceeded to tell this boy that he was going to ask them to go out for a Starbucks that night.  And then hung up.

He didn’t ask about the youngest boy.  Didn’t ask if he would want to go to Starbucks.  Just didn’t think.

Another day he was talking with the youngest boy about his plans for his birthday.  Leon (we’ll call the youngest Leon) is always excited about his birthday.  He plans it for months in advance.  What is for breakfast, where we’ll go for dinner, what he’d like for presents.  It’s a special day for him.

So, Leon is describing how he wants a Mac book and how he’s planning on raising the money over the summer to pay for it by his birthday.  He’s excited and animated – it obviously means a lot to Leon.

And then the ex opens HIS mouth. “Have you been practicing soccer?”

It’s like he wasn’t listening AT ALL.  He deflated this poor kid and Leon could recount the story verbatim to me.  The look on the boy’s face broke my heart.

Somedays I don’t know how to handle the guy.  It continues to amaze me how much a person can NOT grow over the years.

However, there is one thing I just don’t understand and that is their affinity for technology.  It invades every little place in their lives.  They LOVE it.  They depend upon it.  They use it and they know HOW to use it.

I saw a preview the other day on the news about a study where they took the iTouch, cell phones and Facebook pages away from these kids for 2 weeks.  I didn’t get to see what happened but I’m assuming the kids didn’t die.

My kids think they would die, but I’m reasonably sure there isn’t a medical diagnosis  – Technitis or Cellophrapathy.  It won’t kill them but they think it will.  And, after all, the mind is a powerful thing.

Tonight my oldest son is playing CandyLand with his little sister.  He wanted to sit in front of the computer and check Facebook while rolling the dice and moving the pieces.  I insisted he didn’t.

We sit in the car and while having an intense conversation with me, my oldest daughter is texting her best friend.  I just stopped talking and told her that she can’t have two conversations at once.  When she was ready to talk with me then I was ready too.

And it isn’t just the teenagers.  Yesterday I was out for a walk and there was a dad playing catch with his 7 or 8 year old son in the front yard.  I smiled because it looked so sweet.

Until I saw the cell phone plastered to his ear and his son who couldn’t get his dad’s attention.  Is it worse to not show attention at all, or to give someone only half of your attention?  What shows less respect and communicates less about the other person?

I love what technology has afforded me.  Without it I couldn’t work at home, text my friends that I’ll be late (or early!), find my cousin in Arizona or type a quick IM to my sister throughout the day.  But – I don’t let it rule my life.

For instance, I love my cell phone so I can contact the kids if I’m running late or get directions to the place I’m meeting someone. But when did texting become a means of flirting?

I do like the idea of being able to meet some people online – because I work in a situation where I don’t meet very many new people. And I understand the idea that email for a week, calling for a couple of days and then meeting is a good safe option when you don’t know the man from Adam.  But somehow, in all of the excitement of meeting people or looking through profiles, the whole idea of dating has completely changed.

Now it’s a catalog and not an introduction.  Now there are so many options that it’s too difficult to make a decision.  And without a great picture, aren’t you really just asking for failure?

I would love to meet someone that a friend of mine introduced me to.  Someone who knows someone who I know. The old fashioned way   But that doesn’t appear to be an option at this point.  I’ve actually asked everyone that I know (who is my age-ish) if they know any single/eligible men.  The answer is a resounding “No!”  The men are either married, too young, too old or gay.  None of those categories are acceptable.

So, I am reduced to following the current relationship trend.  According to advertising by Match.com approximately one out five relationships are started online – and many of these lead to marriage.

In preparation for this momentous occasion I made a stop at my friendly neighborhood library and did a quick search online.  I did sign up for Evan Mark Katz ezine and have gained some interesting insight into the male psyche.  All of a sudden, the zero to sixty to zero male behavior makes a bit more sense. (And my sister had some accurate comments about that one too!)

I also saw the movie, “He’s Just Not That In To You,” and thoroughly enjoyed it. It helps to know that it’s nothing personal – it’s just chemistry.  And there are times when we’re just not into them either!

I was watching In Plain Sight the other night (tv show about Witness Protection) and the lead actress was talking to a teen witness.  A comment was made about “still knowing what second base” was.  The teenager leaned in, looking Mary directly in the eye and said, “No, let me tell you . . .” and Mary stopped her – “It can’t have changed all THAT much? Could it? No! No! I don’t want to know.”

And that’s me – dating really hasn’t changed all that much – has it? Cause really, I don’t want to know!

HOWEVER, in the past several months I’ve come to realize that I have piled a bit too much on the plate.  Now I’m at a point where I can’t figure out how to have my own life, earn a living, keep the house and raise the kids.

How do you work that all out when you’re a single mom?

I think it would work if all my kids had their driver’s license.  But, since the youngest is 7 and I don’t let them drive until their over 16 – it could be a while.

In the meantime, I’m trying to develop friendships, maintain old friendships, keep the yard cleaned up, homeschool the children, go to basketball games, fix dinner – you know the drill.  I’m still trying to figure this all out.

In the meantime I’m expanding the reach of my company.  I usually work just for myself but now I want to do some consulting to help lessen the possibility of another reduction in business like I experienced last February – like the rest of the country did too.

Not complaining – just the thought of adding even more to this already stretched time budget makes me wonder where sleep fits in to the picture?

I’ve been on Match.com now for about a month and ‘met’ several men.  Somehow sending and receiving email is so much less threatening than leaving the house and going to meetings or participating in group activities.

But participate I must!  So I am inserting strength and courage and will attend the next Jelly meeting in my city.  If it kills me (and it very well may!) I will meet and work with other people who work from home.

The concept is great.  Work at home men and women get together once a month to work together with their laptops.  It gives us stay-at-homers the opportunity to talk with real people, in real time, face-to-face.

However, and it’s a BIG however, it scares the snot out of me!  I will walk into this room with other professionals who all know each other.  I will be odd man out.  It’s not that I’m not familiar with this position – being odd man out – just that it’s not one I appreciate or enjoy.

Not that ANYONE enjoys it – but it scares me.  And each time I’ve responded and told them I would come I’ve backed out at the last minute for one excuse or another.  This month will be different.  This month I will attend – and then I’ll let you know how it goes

Let’s see. . . my oldest daughter is getting ready to  attend college this fall and it’s killing me!  She is such a wonderful girl and I’ve really enjoyed having her with me.  My oldest son has decided to quit playing basketball in his senior year in high school so he can concentrate more fully on school and raising his GPA – such a mature decision!  My youngest is excited about starting 8th grade and must have grown 1 inch while away at church camp this past week.  And my youngest – - – she is the light of our family, and remains so.

I don’t think I’ve felt any anger or disgust toward my ex for several months now.  I think I just feel pity.  He’s missing out on four incredible children and it was his decision to do it!  That’s something I have a hard time fathoming.

In the meantime I’ve started “dating” – if it can seriously be called that! UGH.  I’m 50 years young and all of my friends are married.  Their friends are married.  And the friends that aren’t married are too young, too old or are still living with their parents at the ripe age of 50.  Never thought I’d find myself in this position at my age!

I’m trying out Match.com now – will have to report how that is going after another month or two.  There seem to be eligible matches (which is better than at eHarmony) but it all takes time.

Time. . . sometimes I think I have too much of it – like late at night when the house is quiet and I’m lonely.  At other times I don’t have enough to make it all work.  I know that God is with me now and forever – and today that’s all I need.

It’s interesting how money never entered the conversation while we were married but now that we’re divorced it’s all he wants to talk about.  Couldn’t get him to make or stick with a budget (hence the tens of thousands of dollars in debt) and now he wants talk me to death about it.

Anyway – the other day the subject came up about child and spousal support.  The question was . . . what would happen if he lost his job and couldn’t pay child support any longer?  What kind of back up plan did “I” have to cover HIS half of the expenses.

I asked him what HIS plan was but that didn’t fly so well.  So he went on to ask me again and again, until I told him that I wouldn’t have this conversation with him any longer.

More specifically I said, “thank you for registering your concerns.  I understand your point of view.  My financial plans are not yours and won’t continue to have this conversation with you any longer.”

Wish I could have drawn those boundaries with him when we were married!

“Thank you for telling me how disgusting I am.  I understand your point of view. The neighbor next door has been flirting with me for 2 weeks now, maybe I should investigate that option?”

For the life of me I couldn’t figure out what they were singing. So they took me to the page and let me listen to Weird Al Yankovic singing.

Now I know I’m behind the times – cause the song was published on YouTube 3 YEARS ago! But it is cute – and I’ve sold on eBay

Being authentic and transparent leaves you open for criticism and hurt.  So I’m finding that people, especially men, are more interested in accommodating their own feelings while trying to decipher yours.  This makes them manipulative without trying to be hurtful.

In other words, I don’t think people honestly are playing games (FOR THE MOST PART!) but are trying to protect themselves while determining if they are either interested in the other person or are trying to get out of a relationship without too much fuss or in your face confrontation.

For instance, I met this guy several weeks back . . . well, it may have been a couple of months actually.  We talked on the phone several times, emails back and forth and then decided to meet for coffee.  It was a 2 1/2 hour coffee filled with stimulating conversation, laughter and fun.  He gave me this big hug good bye and was gone.

Never to be heard from again.

Was he playing games?  Probably not.  He just didn’t want the confrontation of saying he wasn’t interested and wasn’t kind enough to use email to say the same thing.

The same thing happened this week.  We didn’t meet but had a great conversation on the phone.  He sent several emails expressing a real interest in meeting. I sent another email back that we could set up a meeting the following week?  And haven’t heard back from him in close to a week.

POOF!

I used to think that this type of behavior was people playing games to get what they want – and I do think that there are people playing games for a variety of reasons – but this kind of behavior I BELIEVE is just a result of not wanting any kind of confrontation AND having the luxury of ignoring technology (cells phones, email etc) to attain their goal.

Maybe they changed their mind.  Maybe they met someone else.  Or maybe they just aren’t all that in to me.  But either way you slice it the reality stays the same – and the outcome is the same.  The only thing that is different is me.