Live and Learn

You are More

2013-02-13T23:10:00.003-08:00

Hey Guys,

I have been a Christian for what seems my whole life. I have the typical ‘good Christian’ story, I was born into a Christian home, a loving mom and dad, went to church and learned about Jesus (the answer to everything). There is one thing though that I never understood about God and every day it comes more and more a reality. I have struggled my whole life understanding that God’s grace is a gift, salvation is a gift, the cross is a gift.

The thing about a gift is, you do not earn it. You do not work for it. In some case, especially this one I do not deserve this.

I have spent my whole life knowing this, but not living this. With my word I could tell you all about God’s gift but I still felt like I needed to earn it to be saved.

I’ve always been able to see my sin and been able to see how screwed up I am. How much I have fallen short. Where my problem happens is instead of applying the gospel to my life I apply ‘Christian’s Gospel’ to the situation.

Christian’s Gospel says this:

You need to make the right choices
You must be good and never mess up
You should feel ashamed for your mistakes
You need to make a right for every wrong you have ever done
You cannot screw up, ever
God will only love you if you are good
Christ will only save you if you are worth it

I struggle so much in remembering what the TRUE gospel is, what the gospel Jesus says is. The gospel is Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. The gospel is Christ is in control.

The gospel is a gift not something earned, something given to us. It’s love, peace, grace… and it is ours not by the good we do but the great, the perfect Christ has done.

It is not by me being good because “God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” (Romans 5:8). Nothing I can do will earn his love, how do you earn something that is already given to you?

The reality is that “it is by grace [I, Christian] have been saved, through faith—and this is not from [my own doing], it is the gift of God— not by works” (Ephesians 2:8-9) It will probably take me my whole life to understand the depth of this.

There is one thing I know today though, that God’s gospel, God’s Gift and Jesus sacrifice… it’s a whole lot greater than mine.

Stars in the Sky

2012-11-09T00:45:00.001-08:00

Hey Guys,

Like most nights I am late again, pondering life, plans and this guy named Jesus. This is not a rare occurrence for me as my mind usually ponders the deepness of God and all He is. Tonight was different though, tonight something was different than most nights. For the first night in many I knew God was there with me.

What made this night different was that I took a late night walk, I walked for about 2 minutes before I stopped. I stopped because I saw the big dipper, Orion’s belt, I saw the stars.

This seems ridiculous though, they are just stars. Massive gases burning producing light millions and millions of miles away. But I was reminded of something tonight. The God who created the stars, the creator of all, created me.

It was no accident, no mistake but purposeful creation.

I mean this is the God that “determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names”

(Psalm 147:4)

It leaves me in the same place that David is in, in the Psalms. That “When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” (Psalm 8:3-4)

For I am sinner, a man broken and in need of a savior.

At it comes down to this for me tonight, that for the creator of the stars, the heavens and the earth if he cares about each one of those… How much more does he care about me?

“How precious are your thoughts about me,O God.
     They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
     they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
      you are still with me!”

(Psalm 139:17-18)

It is nights like this I am reminded “Why should I be afraid, When you placed the stars in place” (You Shine – Brain Doerksen) I have nothing to fear, because God placed the stars, named them. But so much more, he loves a sinner like me.

Much Love,

Christian

Oh my God, where art thou?

2012-10-31T01:40:00.001-07:00

I once had a dream. I dreamed big, I dreamed far and I believed God could. I do not know what has happened to me over these last months but those dreams are not there.

I felt so clearly God had called me to something great, to lay down my life and follow him. I pursued this for a while but somewhere along this road I replaced God with this world. I replaced the one God with idols of this world. I use to wake up with joy that has long been replaced with sadness and fatigue. Sometimes I wonder oh why could this be?

I stress about the temporary and forget about the eternity.

I focus only on the present and nothing on the creator.

Where did my love for God to? Where did my peace go? Where did my God go?

Did I lose him?

Did I misplace my God somewhere?

God is never gone, never far away. Yet I did misplace him in my heart. I placed my lonelyness there, my need to be loved there, my need to be right, my need for a savior! I replaced my Savior with fillers.

I think my bible has more dust than a bookshelf, I pray as much as I run, and I worship as much as I clean (sparing at best)

I was at a conference on Thursday and the pastor said this 'Full-time minister part-time believer'. This sums up my life as it stands I am a full time student and a part-timer follower of Christ.

Hopefully today wakes me up, reminds me of where my focus is and who I should focus on.

Hopefully...

Christian

Slowing Down

2012-07-24T01:55:00.000-07:00

There are times I need to remind myself to slow down and smell the roses...

That is a funny statement coming from me, and a guy for that matter but lately what I have been noticing in my life is that I am perpetually busy. If I am not doing something I am pressing forward until I reach the next area. Moving from task, to task, to task. What happened to the days of slowing down and enjoying each moment.

By no means am I suggesting doing nothing but what I mean is enjoying the moment I am in. Enjoying the life that is going on right now. It scares me to think of all the simple things I am missing out because of the fact that I am going at 100 miles an hour. Whether it is work, or helping people, or serving or anything I am always filling my time.

In this last month I cannot remember a time I have taken the time to enjoy a good book, make myself tea or even taken the time to write. One weekend I was in Edmonton, next week I was in Eneumclaw, then followed by Blue River, and yet I was so on the move I can barely remember what I did any more.

I told myself this was going to be the 'Summer of Christian' and so far it has been a fantastic summer but there is something I have no done yet, rest and rested in the Lord.

I've been spending the whole summer working my butt off, travelling and constantly filling my time... Maybe rest is the answer now.

Much Love,
Christian Sawka

Striving

2012-07-12T23:31:00.003-07:00

Hey Guys,

This was a blog I wrote for a different website, go check it out if you would like but I figured I would post it here at well. The website is http://www.jesusbigger.ca/

I was driving home, like I always do. Listening to music, like I always do when the song In Christ Alone came on. Maybe you know it, maybe you don't, but I know it well enough that I just tuned it out, I have heard it a thousand times. This time, however, the lyrics managed to hit me like a sack of bricks...

"When fears are stilled, when strivings cease..." These lyrics have been consuming my thoughts this last month. What would my life look like if striving ceased? When my fears are stilled?

I am a guy who thrives upon getting ahead, one up-ing people and constantly moving up in the eyes of the world. For anyone that knows me this is nothing new, it is evident in my life, sadly. Most of my life decisions are based around trying to get people to like me more or make myself seem more important.

The most extreme example of this came one summer when I was running a franchise for a company. I started of well, but as time progressed my sales lowered. To compensate I made up sales just in order to make my goal. I feared not being the best. All I wanted to do was impress people and to make a name for myself. Needless to say this did not end well for me.

I wish that would have been the end of my need to be better, but it is not. My life is marked by me constantly doing more and more to try and make a name for myself.

It is funny how those two lines are next to each other, "When fears are stilled; when strivings cease," maybe it is just me, but the biggest fear I have in life is will people like just me? Not some persona, or some act but plain old simple me. My fear constantly drives me.

Then the song reminded me that it is in Christ alone that strivings cease; that striving to have my name remembered, to be valued or to be liked can stop. It is in Jesus alone that, that is fulfilled.

We are reminded in the Bible to "Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” (Psalm 49:10) As I read that I am humbly remind that I do not need to make a name for myself, because Jesus has made a name for me; I do not need to be remembered because Jesus remembers me.

And that it is truly in Christ Alone that my striving ceases.

Much Love,
Christian

Bitterness

2012-06-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

Something that has been plaguing my life lately is this idea of bitterness. Both generically in the idea of bitterness and the reality of being bitter towards people.

It has been a blessing and a curse that I have a decent memory. One great thing is that it helps me remembers useless facts and details about people. However the more negative side of it is that I always seem to remember when someone wronged me. Which proves negative for relationships, friendships and any human interaction.

Seemingly lately I have begun to realize that as little as I would like to admit it I am holding on to bitterness. The stupid thing about this is that it does nothing for you. It does not even effect the person you are upset with. All it does is negatively affect you or in this case me.

I have been trying to spend this last week (weeks) to rid myself of the bitterness that has been dwelling within my life. In many ways to cleanse myself of this junk in my life. What I am finding is that although there is bitterness towards other people there is also bitterness towards myself. It is one of these vicious cycles in my life where I am upset with people, hurt and frustrated. Then in return I am angered with myself for not allowing these things to be let go.

As I am realizing I hold onto issues whether it has been frustration with my parents, or friends that have let me down, to not getting a job to anything along those lines I like to hold onto bitterness and pain.

If there is anything I have been learning this last week it boils down to this point, let it go and lay it down. It is not healthy to hold on to these things, regardless the depths of how someone has hurt you, frustrated you, or anything holding onto bitterness does nothing except limit you.

Much Love,

Christian Sawka

Jump off a Bridge

2012-06-28T00:37:00.001-07:00

This blog was published at (http://www.jesusbigger.ca/1/post/2012/06/go-jump-off-a-bridge.html) go check it out!

A while back I tried bungee jumping.

Now, for some of you that does not seem like a big deal, but for a guy who is terrified of heights, bungee jumping is a bigger deal. I'm scared of heights and I'm scared of falling (same same but different), but basically what it all comes down too is, I'm scared of not being in control.

There is amazing clarity that comes with jumping off a bridge. In those two or three seconds where you are absolutely helpless and are free-falling with complete hope in a plastic cord to save your life you can really come to grips with truth. And in those moments I realized I love to be in control.

I'm not alone. We are a culture that loves to be in charge, make our own decisions and dictate the circumstances of our lives. And I'm right there with you: whether it is with my summer job, my future calling in life, my where I am living or any single thing I am involved with—I want to be control.

I've been taught my whole life that the answer to any problem is to take the reigns and deal with it, 'If you want something done right, do it yourself', right? In these last weeks I have seen all my plans fall through, I am still painting (houses), living at home and have no idea where God is taking me. Suddenly I am in a place where I have been reminded of who is actually in charge of my life.

There is a proverb in the Bible that says, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” This is where I find my peace. Knowing that the God of the Bible is directing my path allows me to rest and trust that I do not need to stress about every detail of my life and that ultimately He will lead me. I believe He's smarter than I am, he's stronger than I am, and that He loves me. I believe I can trust him.

Here's the thing, I constantly forget that God is in control of my life; my present and my future. There's that cliché statement that I have heard, 'if you want God to laugh show him your plans'.

I Stress. Over-think. Process. Plan. Dream. Predict. Wish. About my life and future. But God's got this and maybe I need to work a little harder at reminding myself of who's actually in control. Because what it comes down to is this other great proverb...“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I spend the majority of my time leaning on my own understanding and not acknowledging God; trying to be in control. But it those times that I remember that God is in control that I find a great peace and I can jump off the bridge.

To Be Bold and Daring

2012-06-26T01:06:00.001-07:00

Hello,

It is now 1am in the morning (or night) and I am profoundly overcome with the concept of what it means to be bold and daring.

What does it truly mean to be bold and daring?

Being Bold is described as “Showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous.” to be daring is to be “venturesomely bold in action or thought”. Hence I sit here wondering am I either of these?

The reason I ask myself these questions is this, I've been a Christian the entirety of my life. Since before I can remember I have been, since before I knew what a Christian was I have followed God. Yet I would never define myself as a 'Bold' Christian, or a 'Daring' Christian let alone even remotely courageous.

I am terrified to share with people that I am a Christian (more than my name), fearful to share in case I offend them, upset them. It gets worse, I fear most of all what people will think of me if they found out 'my secret'. But at some point or another we have to make a choice, am I going to stand boldly or stand at all?

So here I sit, 1am in the morning making a choice to live boldly, not in fear!

What does that look like is a difficult question, what does that make life look like even more difficult, and what is the cost going to be. All tough questions. Life is a journey that for once I plan to live in courageously.

Christian Sawka

Worth the Cost?

2012-06-24T00:37:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

I know I have written before on dreams and ambitions. However tonight I had a conversation that made me think, how much will I sacrifice for these?

Since I was young, I was encouraged to pursue my dreams, to aim big and to go for it. The older I get I am starting to see that these dreams come at a cost.

That 100% pursuing of something requires a sacrifice. We simply have to ask ourselves are we willing to count the cost?

Is the cost worth the gain?

That is a question I have been continually asking myself over and over in this last year. Is the goal worth the cost. Sacrificing 'fun' or 'entertainment' all for the pursuit of something greater.

Being a Christian (in name and religion) I am called to sacrifice everything and pursue God, to let nothing hold us back. I have to continually ask myself is it worth it, is sacrificing everything and pursuing God worth it? I would be lying through my teeth if I did not say this was a tough question for me or for any believer. Is complete sacrifice worth it?

The thing with doubt is this, you first must believe in something in order to doubt it! You must first believe in order to doubt. So here I am nearing 1am in the morning wondering am I able to sacrifice everything?

To sacrifice everything I have for my dreams, my ambitions and for my God?

Much Love,

Christian Sawka

Limits

2012-06-23T02:15:00.001-07:00

Hey Guys,

Well it feels like it has been a century since I last posted, but I think I needed to take a break. I am considering blogging on a continually basis again but there are a few things I have to work out first.

I think the biggest thing for me to work through is am I able to share my struggles publicly again? Am I actually able to admit I am not perfect. That I am nothing more than human. It is a weird reality we need to come to every once in a while that I am nothing more than human.

I cannot fix the world, I cannot do everything and I certainly cannot be everything. I need to learn to come to terms with the fact that I have my limitations. Now that last statement I wrote for most people is a 'Yeah, duh!' statement but for me that is a profound revelation going on there. For me to admit that I have limit has come through many humbling experiences.

It is a great thing to understand our limitations because we need to know what we can do. The older I become (and I am not that old) I realize there is a need to learn that I cannot do everything. I have spend my whole life trying to be everything and do everything. But sometimes you need to stop, wait around and smell the roses. Slow down and enjoy the road you are one.

Basically my points comes down to this, we are on a journey and if your goal is to constantly get ahead you will always try to get ahead, it will consume you. Take the time to rest like I have and hopefully it will have the same affect.

Christian

Criticism

2011-11-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

To you, specifically you!

It will always amaze me how one word, one phrase or one talk can outweigh the value of a thousand others. When we receive one word of negativity it can control and manipulate our entire view point of our day and in some cases life. For some people this is more ramped than others. For some this is something they will never deal with, they will be able to value encouragement and criticism on the same level. However, this is not me. I am not that man.

I wish I had the answer how to manage and value encouragement and criticism to have the happy medium. But I do not, I am a man that gets caught up in the negative and negates the positive. The effect this has had upon my character and my life is impactful. I can think of any example in which thousands of encouraging words were negated by one person tell me that, I was not good enough, I am not qualified, I am not accepted, I am not ‘cool’ or a variety of other things. We always have to be careful that we do not let these comments scar our life.

What I mean by that is this, there are millions upon millions of statements that will be told to our lives but what ones are we going to let shape our life?

Affect our thoughts?

Effect the way in which we act?

I do not hold the golden answer; I can only pose questions and hopefully make you think. For me I need to remind myself the truth about my life, surround myself with people who will not only encourage but challengers. We do not need yes people but rather, supports and empowers. People who will help you work through the negative and remind you of the positive. Who will build you up when it ‘seems’ everyone around you in trying to tear you down. This is the only advice I have; I have not done this perfectly. But I am starting to learn this is one way to combat the irrational view of criticism we can sometimes have.

Much Love,

Christian Sawka

Prayer?

2011-10-27T16:54:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be a man (woman) of disciple? This is a term we use almost regularly to be disciplined. Currently I am doing an internship at my church and I am in charge of ‘prayer administration’ a big title it would so seem. I am a man of ambition and discipline sometimes gets lost. I will be a man of vision but the day to day work almost seems like impossibility.

As this is the most impactful thing to me right now what does it mean to have a disciplined and yep real prayer life? I am not all for spending the exact same moment every day in prayer, but nor am I fully on board for the pray whenever. Both have their negatives and positives.

I am not going to try and tell you I know the answer, but somewhere along we lost both of these. I’ve lost both of these. I grew in a family where you would pray before every meal, before bed. Well as you grow older that is just no longer cool so I left out that and told myself well ill just pray to myself. Who am I lying my prayer life and my disciplined life is floundering at best.

I met with a great woman today who left me with some resources about prayer, disciplined life and how to develop that in people. After going through one resource I am left with this one impactful statement, “Prayer level will never raise higher than the leader”. I believe this quote can be used for so much not just prayer life but any form of leadership. People you are leading can only grow as much as the leader.

Therefore, if I want to lead this prayer ministry properly, if I want to see my ministry grow I must first disciple myself before God and grow my prayer life. How else can one do anything except through God?

Battle of the Soul

2011-10-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was reminded and was taught something by a friend who was younger than me. I admired his courage and strength to open up about struggles. As if that reminder was not enough, another friend of mine who was younger as well came to me and shared his struggles with courage. I sat there for a while and it made me think, do I share? Do I have the courage to share? Do I even have the humility to admit that I am not perfect?

I admired these guys courage for they are more courageous then I feel I have ever been.

I cannot help be remind that there is a constant battle for our souls. A constant battle between what is good and what is bad and the choices we make. Even if you are reading this and you are a not a Christian, you have to admit that there are always choices to make between good and evil. A term coined to describe this is the “battle of the flesh”. It is this idea that we struggle with between knowing what we should do and doing what we should. Especially for Christians, where we are called to live as such strong examples for Christ and yet, we constantly feel like we are setting a bad example. We know what we ought to do but how often do we truly do what we ought?

To you guys who shared your struggles, who were able to be courageous I commend you for showing me that there is hope. And for those who are struggling I encourage you to share with people close to you. Overcome this battle of the flesh.

Goodbye for now,

Christian

Prayer

God, today I ask for strength, boldness and courage. In the days I feel the weakest I need these the most because it becomes so easy to become timid, to hide and to hold onto my struggles. Lord I struggle when trying to show an example of who you are, Lord oh how I struggle. I prayer for my battle against the flesh, because there is nothing that compares to your great love and care oh Lord. Your thoughts outnumber the grains of sand amongst the sea and I know you are watching over, guiding and blessing my path. I thank You. Amen.

Prayer

2011-10-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

October 24^th 2011

Today in my darkest hour is when I need you the most, today just as yesterday and forever I will need more of you of Lord. I am lost, and I am alone. I rarely feel like I am good enough, or even able enough to receive your grace, mercy, peace and love. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4) In these times I am reminded that nothing else will comfort me. No friend, no councillor, no nothing except for you oh Lord. I am prideful Lord; I struggle to humble myself down and Lord that hardens my heart. Lord, I long to experience your holiness, I long to feel your embrace and I long for your presence. Nothing on this earth or on this world compares to that oh Lord. Be my strength, be my wisdom and be the lamp unto my feet. I need you now more than ever, awaken my heart oh God.

Fear

2011-10-20T00:04:00.001-07:00

Hey Guys,

It will never stop amazing me how fear can not only limit our ability but manipulate it. Recently it has come up in my life that I live a life that is crippled by fear. It is not something that I like to parade around, or let alone talk about but the truth of the matter is fear has such a control on my life it is scary. Now, I am not just talking about the simplistic fears we deal with, spiders or needles but the deep rooted fears we have in life. Such as fear of failure, fear of uncertainty, fear of success and the list goes on. For me personally I am currently dealing with the largest one of my fears. Which in my life, my fear of failure has plagued my life over and over.

Fear of failure is a rather simple one for anyone that knows me, I am rather competitive and the idea of losing is a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. But how does one manage to get over this fear? Do we one day wake up and it is gone? As I am beginning to take on more responsibility in life my fear of failing is becoming more prominent than ever. It seems when there is more on the line fear increases. As I attempt to try and lead or run any form of a group there is a exponential increase in my fear because people are reliant upon me. I wish I had the answers to these questions but I am finding more and more it is going to be something that will plague me for a long time. However it still comes down to a choice at the end of the day, do I want to live in fear?

Goodbye for now,

Christian

Feeling Adequate

2011-06-09T02:50:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

I had the privilege of speaking at a youth group this week and I spoke on what it means to feel and to be inadequate. What I basically talked about is this that in this age group (15-30) there are always going to be feelings of being inadequate in everything you do sometimes they will be more prevalent then others but the feelings none the less will be there. It is a difficult task that sadly a lot of us are going to face. The only advice I have on this situation is this, acknowledge your weakness and strengths and accept them. I recently went through a job interview were I have congratulated on being extremely in tune with what my weakness and my strengths have been. That is probably one of my greatest strengths is knowing where my weaknesses are because in that I know where things are going to be tough. Back to being adequate take the time out of your day to find your weakness, that way you will also find out where you feel inadequate and hopefully that will solve the problem!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Guest Blog: Pornography

2011-05-30T18:51:00.001-07:00

Guest Blog: The Secret Life of Porn by Anonymous

I am going to talk about a specific road in life: Pornography.

Scared? Big word? Taboo? Or are you finding it a lot more commonplace than you would expect these days? When we were given life we were also given a longing for purpose. And we were also given life in the presence of love. We have the opportunity to be known. We have yearnings, longings and desires that instil in us a need for something greater. These are good. I believe these are placed there by a higher power that wants us to grow, to discover and learn. Now we go to the other side of the spectrum and bring up a few points about how Pornography is not fulfilling any part of our soul’s desires.

First of all let’s talk about how it affects your perspective as an individual. Pornography draws you into stereotyping women. Porn wants you to believe that women will act in the way that is portrayed – that your interaction with them does not have to be built on anything more than watching them through a screen. You go to pornography to fill a need. It’s like a fix. You get your fix and then you are done.

Does that sound like a human bond meant to be shared by two people? Not to me.

It sounds more like a disposable appliance. Objectivity. Your sexuality is meant to be more than that; trying to differentiate between your sexuality while watching porn is counter-productive.

Are you trying to foster healthy relationships with other people while at the same time objectifying them? That’s like eating Krispy kremes to get ready for a marathon.

I believe that there are dark forces at work behind the scenes. Things that draw us back in and lies that we hear from voices we never want to talk about. Some of the major holds that porn places in a person’s life are shame and guilt. Your actions make you feel sick. A feeling that you have to hide what you are doing from everyone else. Suddenly you feel cold and utterly alone. You return to the addiction because you may feel it is the only answer left. Can you see how twisted this road is yet?

Something that builds on the shame and guilt aspects of pornography is the silence it instils; there is an air about the situation that demands silence. If you are part of a faith and you find yourself in this situation, call on the name of God. See how it feels. If you do not have a particular faith, try calling out to a loved one.

Why do you hesitate? Do you feel like you’re still in control? Or are you the puppet?

These are observations that I have concluded about pornography. I have one more.

There. Is. HOPE.

Hope to defeat a life lived in secrecy and twisted secrets. Hope in the darkness. You are called to live a life in the light, not needing to hide anything. So this is a call to all the broken under porn: are you going to live a muted life suppressed by porn? Or are you going to get up? Because when you have nothing to hide, you can finally start feeling free.

Sacrifice?

2011-05-26T02:02:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

It has been a long time since I last posted a blog and that has simply been because I have been busy with work, hanging with friends and overall losing a routine of posting everyday. I should start getting back into a system soon of posting and sharing a few of the things I am learning. So today I want to talk about this idea of sacrifice. We all make decisions each day that require us to sacrifice, some are larger sacrifices than others but regardless of that we are required to sacrifice something for something else. In order to hang out with friends, I must sacrifice a little sleep and in order to work I must sacrifice some free time. The question I have been thinking about lately is how much am I and how much are you willing to sacrifice?

Any decision that we make in life is going to cause us to have to sacrifice something else, it could me letting go of a friendship, it could mean walking away from a task or it could mean compromising your ethics, morals and values. Hopefully it never comes to that but it could happen. So I guess the question I am tackling is how much am I will to sacrifice for different aspects of my life. Like right now I do really enjoy hanging out with friends till the late hours of the night but how much of my sleep and health can I sacrifice? I also work right now which means everyday in order to get the work done I could cut corners but do I want to sacrifice my ethics?

Sacrifice can be a great thing but it can also be a negative things when used in the wrong manor, sacrificing for the wrong cause and wrong reason can ultimately destroy what you were working towards. Therefore remember as you make each decision what you are going to need to sacrifice to get there!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Forgranted

2011-05-10T01:20:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

Having another tough night sleeping even though I have had almost a 16 hours day and probably a 17 hour day when this blog goes up. The thing I wanted to talk about today was this idea of things we take for granted. I had a conversation with a friend today who is visiting her family in Alberta and I asked her a question, which was how is it to be away from your parents? She respond saying it was tough, that she would at time miss them but that she also believe that if you live close to them you take parents and loved ones for granted. This statement got me thinking for the rest of the day and through my soccer game (because it was a blow out for us), it made me think what do I take for granted?

I live in a home with two loving parents, I have a car, I have my own computer and the list goes on of all the things I am absolutely blessed to have. So why do I take this things for granted? I have been trying to figure this out all night as to what causes me to take these amazing things I have for granted. First off I am an average to poor son at best because I forget holidays, birthdays and forget about what matters to my parents. I take for granted what has been given to me because I do not take care of it like I should or respect the items like I should. But it still does not answer my question? why do I take things for granted and how can I change this?

So the conclusion I have come to thus far as to why I and our society take things for granted. The ending I came to was this, we have started to expect these as normal. We have come to expect that we will be loved by our parents, that we will get what we want and forget that in fact, we have be blessed! I am not going to disagree some peoples lives are alot harder of mine but mine is really not horrible and yet I take that for granted everyday. I guess this is the lesson I am learning is never take your life, or the blessing you have for granted. Live tomorrow being thankful for everything given to you!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Control

2011-05-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

So something I am learning about myself is that I like to be in control of my situation. Today I tried something new, I went bungee jumping which was a whole new experience for me. I have never done something like that before because I was always too scared of heights, or of falling but basically what it came down too was not having control of my situation. There is something amazing that comes with bungee jumping off a bridge. Those two or three seconds where you have absolutely no control is something that I have never experienced before. It was after that I realized I love to have control. Which I believe is normal for our culture. We are a culture that loves to always be in control. I am starting to see that because I like to have control there are difference aspects of my life that get affected by it, weather it be with my parents, with my job, or on a sports team I like to have control of the team and situation at hand.

But what about losing control? In a healthy way. We are usually taught (or maybe that is just me) that we need to have control of our situation or else we are weak or not a strong leader. But I beg to differ with this idea, we need to give up some control. I, myself tend to push myself and try to take control of situations that do not require control. But there is some beauty and benefits to sometimes being a follower instead of constantly controlling the situation. After today I am starting to realized there are area's of my life that I need to give control up weather it be with sports, or with work you do not always have to be in control. As times goes on and as I learn a few lessons here and there, sometimes it would be nicer to learn from other people once and a while. This brings me to my main point which is this, in order to be a leader you must learn to follow and not always take control. I believe that is a common misconception that in order to lead you must have control.

I am not calling myself a great leader but on the flip side I believe I have a ton to learn before I will ever become a good leader. I have spent so much time believe that if you are in control it means you are a leader, therefore all you need to do is be in control right? Well that is very faulty logic. As time goes on I have learned that sometimes leading means following first, understanding how something works and not always taking control. I think I am repeating myself at this point so ill stop writing but that is what I wanted to talk about is save yourself a headache and let someone else take control!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

I Am A Manly Man

2011-05-05T03:15:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

It has been a while since my last post. I would like to say thank you first off because as of yesterday I passed the 10,000 view mark on my blog which is mind blowing for me . When I started blogging I was hoping to just reach out to one or two people never really expected anything from this in anyway. It has truly been a blessing to everyone who has come back day after day and have read my blog! Furthermore, I would like to thank the people that have put up with my spelling thus far and will continue too (hopefully it will improve). So one to the point of today's blog. I am a MANLY MAN, or so I think. We always have a different idea of what a man is suppose to be, weather it be the Hollywood guy, the masculine man, or any other version we all have a perceived idea of what a man should be. But do not worry I am a manly man! The reason I keep saying that over and over is a friend showed me a great poem that has made me think lately. Here it is:

I don’t want my long hair, pretty green eyes, with ( no! I do not have on mascara. ) eyelashes, skinny figure, undersized t-shirt, hip shake too much when I walk confuse anybody. I am a manly man.

Within this sissy frame, obviously rib laden chest lies a heart that beats to the drum of a native American ritual dancing wildness. It pumps an ever cascading supply of untamedness that a herd of wild mustangs have yet to grasp. If danger lurks about, I will seek it out. If adventure abounds, there I will be found. If a damsel be in distress, I will show her who is best. I am a manly man.

Because I don’t flush, and I leave the lid up.

I drive a 1988 Ford Pick-up truck. Girls don’t break up with me, I break up with them first. ( Except the last time, it didn’t really work out like that… ) I don’t shave the hair on my face ( Because I still can’t grow facial hair yet… ) But when I can, I won’t, because beards are tough.

I fart, burp, and spit when I want, not caring who’s nearby. Disrespect my momma, and I will punch you in the eye. I am a manly man.

Or am I? I tell my guy friends that I love ‘em. And sometimes, sometimes I even hug ‘em. Not because I’m gay, but because I love ‘em. And when I watched Bambi, I cried. And when my Mema gets mad, I still run and hide.

Like David, I wanna be a man after God’s own heart. And I’m not there yet, but I’m past the start. And when people talk, I try to listen. A spirit of compassion, that’s my vision. Surely I am a manly man. I want to be loved and have love and give love.

And not just that romantic kind either. Although I am looking for that beauty.
Not helpless, but wants to be rescued. The damsel in distress, man, woman, myth, true. I will fight for her, climb the highest tower for her, love her, share with her, delight in her, be her warrior, her protector.

She will be my crown and I will be hers. My masculinity will be passed down and affirmed to my sons. And each of my daughters will know they are lovely, and deserving of authentic romance.

Society tells me all day long that I’ve defined manhood completely wrong. But you ask any honest man, and he will agree. You ask any honest woman, and she too will see, that I am a manly man.

-Bradly Hathaway

It is an interesting idea to think what is a manly man. We tend to put images to certain things and this is just another one of those images we create. The way men should be. I know often it is woman who are talked about, about being portrayed as being one way by the media but it is the same way for men too. We are shown how a a Man's Man should be. This made me start to think though... is that right? I do not believe the whole world's image of a man and a woman will change tomorrow. Actually I know that for sure that it will not change, the only way to change the world is by changing yourself. What I mean by that is that we can only control the way we are, not the way the people surrounding us are or how the world is. Let's change this then, what our perception of a male is. First off, stop making fun of us who play video games, or talk about starcraft :). I think the thing I am starting to learn that the definition of a manly man is a man who loves. Sure, we all show love in different ways but the man who loves is a manly man. Sometimes we are shown that men are not suppose to be emotional, or show love, care or anything that could involve emotion. That is my piece of advice for all males, show a little emotion once and a while, we are all human.

Hope the week is going great for all of you and that life is good! Remember act human and show some emotion men!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Back to Normal

2011-05-02T02:58:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

I will be back blogging starting today (Monday, May 2nd) I took a quick break while trying to adjust back to being home and balancing. Look forward to hear from everyone and also share with you some things that have gone on in my life and the things I have noticed!

Goodbye for now,
Christian Sawka

Your Story

2011-04-28T02:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

Something I have gotten often is people commenting on that I blog because that is just who I am. That is kind of true for the majority of my life I have always been the one to share what has gone on my life. Especially once I have gone through something like depression, failure or feel inadequate. I wanted to share it. However this is not the case for everyone, not everyone wants to share or feel comfortable sharing about there life. That is the thing I am starting to realize. It is this, we all have a story, we all have something to share but you do not have too. Certain people are meant to share to the world, some people are meant to share to one person and that is there comfort reason and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that by any means. I think that is something we do in our culture and something that I do personally which is glorify the person who shares more than the person who keeps their personal life to themselves. It is sometime hard to realize for me that why would people not want to share? Often I am called blunt or straight forward because I will ask some of the most directed questions ever. That is because I share therefore everyone should share right? Wrong, not everyone feels comfortable with sharing.

To my point which is this, everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something in there life that is a 'touchy' subject. Even for me there is still parts of my life that I do not like to talk about. Everyone has a part of their life they do not talk about. That is something we and I need to remember everyone still has a story. As we go about our day we see hundreds if not thousands of people and it is easy to group people together. But we should not everyone has a a different story, a different childhood and different experiences.

I guess that is what I have to share and what I am learning is never underestimate someone and what they have to share with you. I am learning alot everyday from different people in my life because they all have something to share. Take the time tomorrow or the next day to find out about someone and what they have to share with you!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka

Male Eating Disorder

2011-04-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

A lot has been going on this week between going to Pender, Easter and also finishing up my last final. This was a blog posted on the Libero Network which really peaked my interest. Often we categorize certain disorders to different genders because that is the 'roles' we place in society. Scott here suffered from an eating disorder which usually we set as only a girl problem. Which is 100% incorrect. As I am starting to realize, age and sex does have an effect on you but does not eliminate you from different disorders. Just because you are a male does not mean you cannot suffer from depression like I did or ED like scott did.

Scott’s Story

It’s hard to say when an eating disorder “started.” I think it is more of a progression from the disordered thoughts, to actions, and then to diagnosis and treatment. If I had to pick a time I would have to say mine “started” in 2006/ 2007 when I started bicycling competitively. In my drive to be competitive, I decided that in order to be faster I had to weigh less. I read how famous cyclists like Lance Armstrong measured and weighed every single thing they ate and I thought that sounded like a good idea. So I started doing that. I also began broadening my very limited diet by eating more vegetables and varied foods.

My favourite foods were pizza and pasta (butter, no red sauce) and white bread with lots of butter.

As I began hearing that these foods weren’t “healthy” I stopped eating them.

I vividly remember visiting my sister while she was a freshman in college. I chose to eat a stir fry because I thought it was the ‘healthiest’ option – this is where my disordered thoughts surrounding food really started.

I became obsessed with food, while at the same time not allowing myself to have it. I started collecting cook books, and reading Cooking Light and other weight loss magazines. It quickly consumed me. I started cooking for the family and packing my own lunches to control what was going into my body. Not only would I restrict ingredients I “wasn’t allowed,” but I also served myself smaller portions than my parents, because I didn’t want to eat more than an adult.

I convinced myself, as well as my family, that the cause of my weight loss was increased activity combined with not eating enough. I went to a nutritionist who recommended some ways I could gain weight; so I attempted a weight-gain plan, but that didn’t work – mostly because I wasn’t following it. I had a bunch of tests done, everything from GI scopes to allergy tests and they all came back as normal.

Amidst the testing, I was suffering more than I even knew; I was so numbed by the eating disorder that I didn’t realize how poorly I was really doing. I felt dizzy getting out of bed or out of a chair, had trouble climbing stairs, and was struggling to bike. I was a mess.

We didn’t know what to do. Nobody had even mentioned the possibility of an eating disorder. My parents realized that what was wrong with me was not physical, because they got me to see a couple of psychologists. However, this didn’t get me anyways because none of them specialized in eating disorders. We were lost.

My sister came to visit me and showed immediate concern for me. To be honest, I don’t know what I would have done without her; she knew what was wrong long before me or even the doctors did. She insisted to my parents that I see a therapist she had found online who specializes in eating disorders. My first appointment I sat blank faced – not really knowing what was going. I think of it as a kind of ‘eating disorder haze.’

Dr. H (the therapist) diagnosed me as anorexic. I was in shock. In the car I asked my mom how that could even be. I didn’t have an eating disorder did I? It didn’t help matters that I was a guy, and didn’t think guys struggled with this. I sat in the car on the way home, tearfully thinking about what this meant.

Then began the recovery process.

I saw a few dieticians until I found one I liked, and was seeing my therapist every week (along with my parents and my sister when she could make it). During my first few sessions, they took away my cooking privileges, and I was devastated. See, my cooking obsession had gotten worse, and I thought that not knowing what would go into everything I ate would kill me. Dr. H suggested that it was my eating disorder causing me to obsess about cooking; I thought that was absolutely ridiculous. I was convinced she was just taking away the one thing I liked because she wanted to make me miserable.

I came home from each appointment more depressed than the last I felt as though all my privileges were being taken away and it wasn’t fair. I now recognize that it was actually my eating disorder that was depressed; he was losing control and hated it.

During one appointment we discussed a bike ride I wanted to do: Ride Across Indiana. I had done it the year before, and I was excited to do it again. When Dr. H recommended I not do the ride (and my parents agreed) I was devastated. Up until that point, I had moved forward in my recovery because I knew that I would only be allowed to do the rides I wanted once I gained weight. But now I had gained weight and I still wasn’t allowed, and it seemed totally unfair.

The next major speed-bump in my recovery was the death of my grandfather. I had a great relationship with him, and seeing him suffering from lung cancer was really hard. Looking back at it now, I feel bad at how empty I felt – at my lack of emotions. I think that my eating disorder numbed me to so many things. The worst part? I didn’t know I was numb. Emotions are just another thing ED takes away from us.

Eating disorders are not about the food, they really are not.

So where does this leave me now? I am at a healthy weight, but thoughts still rattle around my head every once in a while. I would like to say that a full recovery is possible, that there will be a time when I have no thoughts of ED whatsoever, but I don’t have an answer as to whether or not that is possible. However, I will work towards full recovery and do my best to get there nevertheless.

One thing I do know is that through this eating disorder I have learned so much about myself and about my family. I now value the love and support of my family more than I ever did before, simply because I know where I would be without it. I know myself better, I understand that it is okay to not be perfect, and that there are certain things that I simply am not meant to do in life – and this is okay.

So why am I writing this? Well, because I know I felt like there was nobody that had gone through what I was going through. Other guys with eating disorders? Nonsense! I was just weird. But I was so wrong. Through blogging, not only did I find other guys suffering through the same things I was, I also found more support than I could have ever imagined. For me, having other people to talk to that have gone through the same things I was going through was extremely helpful. With these people I don’t worry about being judged because I know they understand me in a way not many people can. It is definitely not a replacement for support from the people who are in your lives every day, but having an online support system from the “blog world” who really understand the struggles of having an eating disorder truly is so helpful.

There is support out there for each and every one of you, no matter how hopeless you feel. You can do this, you can recover, and you can be happy again.

Change

2011-04-22T02:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

This will be a short little post as I will be leaving in the morning for pender island and will most likely not have Internet. I wanted to post about change and what it kind of means. We are all going to face change in our life from time to time. We are all going to have to face changes in our life, big and small. It might be like me where there is a change between school and summer or a change between jobs all these are small changes that we are going to face for most of our life. There is realistically three ways to deal with change and I have tried all three. Not wanting, apathetic or accepting. Not wanting usually entails putting up a fuss about the whole thing. There is being apathetic which is just absolutely not caring. Then there is accepting and working with it to have the best outcome. But again it is always a choice of free will on how you want to deal with change. The choice is up with you but for me as I look towards what is going on I think I might accept some changes!

Goodbye for now,

Christian Sawka