Did you know that you are a storyteller?  Or that you are just one story away from what you really want?

Most of us don’t realize that we have a few central narratives running through our lives because the stories we tell ourselves are so familiar that we don’t even realize they are stories.   The easiest way to see this is to notice other people’s stories: we can easily see the story a friend, colleague or student is telling herself, but it’s harder to see our own.

While the story details often differ, there are common threads that run through them.  Here are some story threads I’ve heard from clients recently:

“I can’t trust others,”

“I’m not smart,”

“I have to take control or things won’t work out for me,”

“I have to grind away at work in order to be a decent person,”

“I’m not lovable,”

“People in my life don’t perform the way I want them to,”

“I tend to get depressed,”

“Popular people don’t usually like me,”

“I get left out,”

“If I were a good __________  [husband, wife, daughter, son, friend], I would do what s/he wants me to do.”

“I can’t have what I want,”

“I’m not appreciated,”

“I’m not good enough.”

Why does your story matter?

I’ve discovered that it’s not the events of my life that allow or prevent my success in love, work and happiness, it’s the story I’m telling myself.   Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves bury our passions, make us frustrated, keep us plodding along, or leave us feeling “stuck.”

One of the most powerful ways to get “unstuck,” to unleash passion and create the positive changes you want in your life, your family or your organization is to change your story.  Often we have repeated our old story line so many times, we forget that it is just a story we’re telling, not reality.

Do you have an old story buried within you? Does your child? Do your employees?   A new story is a powerful lever to double your success and passion and it’s something you can start building now:

Create a new story in 3 steps

1) Start by naming your old story. Ask yourself, how would I summarize the story of my life, my work, or my family in one sentence?

2) Ask yourself, how can I tell a different story about where I want to be in the future? Write a few paragraphs with your new story, as you’d like your future to be and (this is the most important part): feel how good it feels to be in that new story.

3) Pick out one phrase you can say to yourself that reminds you of your new story and start saying it. Hint: make sure it’s something that actually feels good when you say it.

See All of Christine’s Videos as she works with students, speaks to a group, and responds to interview questions.  Watch  Christine Duvivier’s youtube channel.

Not seeing the best in our students is not as much an issue for them as it is for us. Many of them go happily along feeling free and knowing they just want to stay under the radar of parents, school, teachers and traditional expectations. Jimmy, for example, is a C-student who, “… trained us. He just didn’t care about his grades and we had to learn to re-think our assumptions,” says Joanne, Jimmy’s mother. Beaming out from a frame of wavy auburn hair, Joanne continues, “He’s a really happy kid. He loves drums and soccer and hanging out with his friends. All the talk about college rankings didn’t faze him a bit. He just found a few schools he liked and picked one that accepted him. “

Of course there are also those in the bottom 80% who– with their peers in the top 20%– succumb to anxiety and/or depression. About 1 in 5, from the top of the class to the bottom, will end up in a full-blown clinical depression during high school. Many others, top and bottom, will manage their symptoms of anxiety or depression to “get by.” Meanwhile, there will be students in the bottom 80% of their classes who go merrily on their way, like Jimmy, despite the concerns of the adults around them.

So how can you get your student to be happy?

Get happy first. It’s like the announcement on the plane, “… put on your oxygen mask first, then help your child.” When we start seeing kids as the brilliant, gifted, high-potential, awe-inspiring, learning-able, beings that they are, no matter how they do in school, everything changes. We need to secure our own belief in them before we can help them.

Try this: Notice the way you feel when you think of someone who isn’t living up to his/her potential. Think of the problems, what might be causing the problems, and how these problems play out in school or life.

Chances are good that you feel sad, scared, worried, unhappy, overwhelmed or depressed when you think about this person.

Now think of someone who is living up to his/her potential and think about the positive factors that help him/her to do so well. Notice how you feel when you think about this person.

Chances are good you feel uplifted, calmer, and/or happier thinking about person #2 than the first.

It’s Not You

It used to be that we thought the reason we felt better about person #2 was because s/he was doing well. But now we’ve discovered that this isn’t the reason at all: the situation is not what causes our feelings (learn more in the video “You Can Change a Feeling Now.”)

The reason we feel better in the second case is because of what we’re thinking: we’re admiring what person #2 does well, his/her positive attributes. It’s also because we believe in the model that person #2 is succeeding within—so we see it as a good thing that s/he is meeting the standards of this model.

The reason we feel worse about person #1 is because we believe s/he is failing at a model that we believe is all-important. Instead of creating new models that recognize the best in this person, we try to squeeze him into one that doesn’t fit – and then we decide that there’s a problem with the student, not the model. In reality, the opposite is true: it’s the model that’s wrong, not the student (learn more about The Myths of Education™).

When we can let go of the flawed belief systems we have adopted and see the beauty in our students, we feel uplifted. In the short run, this is the greatest benefit you can give yourself and another – you see, even when our kids want to feel good about themselves, they feel bad seeing a parent or teacher unhappy.

Think of a person who you knew believed in you, even though s/he didn’t say it aloud. How did you feel? How did you sense this person’s belief in you?

It’s the same for your student. No matter what you say or do, your child senses whether or not you believe in him. When you feel good about what you see, he knows it, whether or not you speak it. Likewise when you feel bad about what you see.

What do you want your student to sense in you?

Besides being creative, innovative, wildly successful and new-age businesses (that weren’t even dreamed of 30 years ago), do you know what Google, Amazon, Wikipedia & Sim City have in common?

The founders of these companies (two at Google) have Montessori educations, says Peter Sims in the Wall Street Journal.

What is “a Montessori education?”

Although not all are identical (in fact, I visted two that did not fit the ideal), in general Montessori schools aim to:

- Let kids progress at their own pace
- Allow students to pursue interests in-depth
- Encourage self-starting
- Use a variety of materials and approaches

While one school philosophy won’t fit every student, it does beg the question what can we learn from Montessori to develop hidden gifts in today’s students and tomorrow’s leaders?

Have you noticed that passion is a favorite new word? “I’m trying to find my passion.” “What if I don’t have a passion?” “You’re so lucky you found your passion.” “I just want my son to find his passion.”

I find it inspiring to see that so many people have a passion for passion. It can be the ultimate in engagement and self-motivation. But don’t worry if you and/or your child don’t have “a passion!” That will be the topic for another day.

Meanwhile, did you know that not all passion is created equal?

As Kathryn Britton notes in her article, “What about Passion?” on PPND, new research helps distinguish between passion that enhances well-being and passion that doesn’t.
The bottom line:

- “Harmonious Passion” (doing something for the joy of it, i.e., intrinsic motivation) leads to performance improvement
- “Obsessive Passion” (doing something to please someone else or for status, i.e,, external motivation) does not.
- Mastery goals (learning to get better at something) improve performance but
- Competitive goals (trying to do better than someone else or not do worse than someone else) do not.

When I was first working in the world of business, I used to naively question the heavy emphasis on competition. I’d say, “My best performance always came when I was just focusing on my own improvement — and I seem to do worse when I am competing against someone else.” I’d quickly be countered by someone who would say, “I do my best when I’m competing against someone else.”

I quickly discovered that there are multiple paths to improving performance. Yet, when it comes to passion, focusing on your own learning and improvement is the way to go (at least if you want to retain your passion).

If you want to encourage harmonious passion in your child, Britton says, Don’t:

- Ask “have you practiced today?”
- Compare her to others
- Make it all-consuming.

I recommend that you Do look at what’s driving the passion: is it love and joy? Intrinsic motivation? Generally, motivations are mixed but what is the dominant motivator? If it’s a desire to please someone else or to be seen in a certain way, you may want to talk with your child about where s/he gets pleasure in the activity. Or even encourage her to pursue something else that she likes for its own sake.

I sometimes wonder why so much of what is considered “good literature” for ourselves and for students has to be dark, depressing, or unhappy. I’m not against stories in which something bad happens, but knowing that bad news seizes and clings, while good news slides right off us, I like to prime myself with uplifting stories (and in case you’re wondering, far more good things happen in a day than bad– it’s just that we give more weight to the bad).

One uplifting story, The Blind Side, is my new favorite book. My book group knows because they are reading it with me (my second time) this month. I like it because it is well-written, tells the story of a boy with a difficult life who finds his way to success, and tells the story of one family’s kindness and generosity.

While I know some would not consider this “good literature,” I think The Blind Side would be a terrific book to add to a high school (perhaps middle school) reading list. If you haven’t read it, let me just point out that gore, personal hardship and villains keep it from being a cotton-candy story. There’s plenty to absorb and discuss.

A number of questions came to my mind as I read and it occurred to me that there would probably be a discussion guide online where I could find interesting questions for our book group discussion. What I found was a mixed bag. The publisher had (in my opinion of course) some great questions and some poor questions.

One of the poor questions:
#3-” When Michael Oher arrived at Briarcrest Christian, he had very little in the way of education. What in his life failed him the most? His mother? The educational system? Social services? Himself?” …
Really, do we have to read him as a victim? Yes, his life was far from ideal and yet he found a way through. How did he do it?

A few of the great questions :
#4- “Michael Oher, despite his poverty and homelessness, never joined a gang, nor did he get involved in criminal activity. Why? What stopped him from taking that path?
#5- Before coming to Briarcrest, Michael Oher had no traditional support network, yet a number of people did help him out — by letting him sleep on their floors, bringing him to Briarcrest Christian, allowing him to enroll in the school, etc. Why did they help him?
#7- Teachers at Briarcrest discovered that Michael Oher was not stupid, but rather had trouble learning in a classroom. What does that mean? What is the difference between stupid and ignorant? Are there any things that you find difficult learning in a “standard” environment?”

Here are 8 questions I’ll add to our discussion:

- How did Michael find his way to people who would help him?
- What evidence is there that Michael had enough love in childhood to keep him going?
- What redeeming qualities do you see or imagine in Michael’s mother, based on his story?
- What are some of Michael’s finest personal qualities?
- How did Michael’s (unspoken) vision of being the next Michael Jordan help him?
- What attributes do you see in Michael Oher that enabled him to remain peaceful in an environment where others did not?
- In what ways does Michael’s story give you hope for yourself?
- How does Michael’s story give hope to other students (even wealthy, suburban kids)?

No matter what my book group thinks of the book– or the questions– just asking them makes me feel inspired by Michael’s story.

“Bring back Vo-Tech” and “Not everyone needs to go to college—some people would be better in the trades.”

These are two comments I often hear when I speak about Gifts that Conflict with School™, The Myths of Education™, or Race to Nowhere.

Now, those of you who have been on my calls or in my workshops know that I fully agree not everyone needs to go to college, and especially not immediately after high school.  I also agree that Vo-Tech is valuable.  It’s just that Vo-Tech is not the only option for students in The Bottom 80% of the class.  Setting up a two-track system, where one group is college–bound and the other is trade-bound is an outdated idea.

Students in the bottom of the class are well-suited to where the economy is heading in the future, including fields such as entertainment, design, high-technology, energy, and others.  Sure, some students may decide that they would like to pursue traditional vocational careers, but high school is not the time to slot them into that decision.

I’m all for bringing back Vo-Tech classes. They benefit students at all levels.  Personally, I loved learning to sew in Home Ec – and continued to enjoy making (simple) skirts, curtains, and jackets (with snaps so that I didn’t have to do a buttonhole) for years after.  I loved using a jigsaw to cut my (rather pathetic) turtle-shaped cutting board in shop class.  While there was no chance anyone would ever give me a job in either of these pursuits, they absolutely added to my joy of learning, my sense of mastery and my flow.

I realize that Vo-Tech now includes more technology than when I was in school, which is a wonderful addition.  Many students would love to use their minds, hands and hearts in new ways.  They’d love to be more creative in school.  So, I agree: bring back Vo-Tech.  Just don’t decide now, based on school performance, that some kids are trade-bound and others are destined for the new economy.

What Scares You? For Anna, it’s driving. Watch her learn to use imagination to make it less scary:

In this video, Anna takes her first step in building resilience…

Learning to Build Resilient Thinking

Click on the Photo above to watch the video. Or go to youtube.