Andrea was the VP of Process Improvement in a $500 million technology company. She came to me and said,
“I don’t know what to do. Bill, the new CEO, doesn’t value my work. He moved me under Paul [a division president] and now Paul says he wants me to be his Chief of Staff. I don’t want to be Chief of Staff, I don’t think Paul is very smart and I’m not happy about this.” Notice that Andrea started out doing what most people do—focusing on what she doesn’t want.

High impact leaders focus on what they do want.

So we worked together to get Andrea clear on what she wanted—regardless of whether or not what she wanted was POSSIBLE. That’s what often holds people back—believing it’s not possible to have what they want.

Six months later Andrea said, “I love my work. This is fun! The sales people love what we’re doing, I’m helping Paul meet his goals, and we’ll bring in an extra $5 million this year.”

Start with your own list

The trick is to start with what you want and then stay focused on what you want, even though others around you may be pulling in other directions. Like most people, Andrea had started out talking about what she didn’t want. So we began by turning the “don’t wants” into a list of “wants:”

Don’t Want Do Want
– To be Chief of Staff – To have work and projects I own
– To be managed by someone – To create mutual respect
I don’t respect
– To manage someone else’s agenda – To run a segment of the
business

Next, we added to Andrea’s wants:
– Get Business development
experience
– Create revenue
– Collaborate with staff and
customers
– Contribute to company
profit and success
– Use my expertise

Once she was very clear on what she wanted, we aligned Andrea’s list with Paul’s goals so that she could show him how she would help him achieve what he wanted. Andrea then went back to Paul and talked to him about her new ideas of how she could contribute to his business.

Fast forward a year and Andrea had created a new business line, that was making Paul’s division more profitable by bringing the process improvement work that she loved to help customers increase their own profit margins—and she did it by focusing on what she wanted.

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I’m happy this morning after being flooded with good news for the past couple of weeks. It’s news that can make every kid happier now– by replacing myths with true stories.

It all starts with the fact that school struggles, anxiety and depression are caused by what I call “The Three Education Myths” — beliefs that are drilled daily into kids’ minds. Releasing these beliefs is like lifting the anchor and allowing the ship to sail.

Today, even more exciting news about our kids’ futures is flowing. Two examples: (1) skills matter more than college and (2) companies are developing student and employee skills.

Stories like these make it easier to believe the truth: it’s time to stop stressing about grades and start seeing the seeds of happiness and success our kids are already growing.

The post Happier Kids Now appeared first on Christine Duvivier.

Science confirms what smart kids knew already: daydreaming makes you intelligent and efficient. Daydreaming can also lead to better life satisfaction, relationships and creativity .

Want to help your child release stress and be happy, confident and communicating? Join us on January 31 for my new More than Grades Masterclass.

The post Science Says Daydreamers are Smart and Efficient appeared first on Christine Duvivier.

10 Reasons to Stop Blaming Parents

Blaming parents is a favorite mind game — and not just with teens. The media and other professionals often find it fun to blame parents for everything that they think is “wrong” with the younger generation. As the fall semester comes to a close, here are my Top 10 Reasons to Stop Blaming Parents:

10. It makes you old.
When we say, “We used to play outside alone at age 5,” or “My parents didn’t help with my homework,” we sound just like the old guys who used to say, “I walked a mile to school in the snow” and “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”

9. Every old generation thinks the young generation is ruined.
Nothing more to say about that. Just listen to the quotes in the media.

8. Every old generation thinks the world is getting worse.
People don’t like change they can’t control and the older they get, usually the less they like it. Plus we cannot predict the future. So, older people tend to think change is bad and they project the future world to be just like the past– and think if it’s not, it’s a disaster.

7. Kids are resilient.
Kids are naturally resilient. Watch a young kid have a bad moment or a bad day — and then five minutes later they’re laughing and having fun again. If parents screw up, they give their kids more opportunities to build resilience.

6. Sometimes parents do everything “right” and their kids still find a different path.
Even parents who don’t “hover” or “smother,” sometimes have kids who refuse to fall in line. That’s because the kids have a different vision for their lives. It doesn’t make the parents wrong.

5. Kids will be living in a different world.
It’s really funny for me to read quotes from 1970s politicians that say things like, “Rock and Roll will be the ruin of this generation.” I love it! They had no clue– and that’s okay. I grew up in a different world than they did.

4. Kids are not victims.
If we blame parents for over-coddling their kids, we are saying the kids are helpless victims. A healthier (and more accurate) way to see kids is as capable, creative, resilient spirits who have their own inner guidance and will take their own journeys.

3. There is not One True Way to parent.
Some parents that we might label as “neglecting” or “irresponsible,” have kids who are resourceful, independent and successful. Some parents that we might label as “appropriately strict” or “responsible,” have kids who are rebellious and act-out. No one has the “truth” of parenting.

2. If parents love their kids, they’ve done all they can.
After 60 years studying “the cream of the crop” men from Harvard, George Vaillant notes that a) they came from a wide variety of parenting styles and b) if the child had a loving relationship with anyone (parent or not), he was more likely to be successful and happy in life.

1. Parents are perfect.
Parents are human and humans learn, grow, and change always. So parents are perfect humans.

The post 10 reasons we are all Perfect Parents appeared first on Christine Duvivier.

How can leaders reduce stress and improve performance through communication and positive change? Recently I was interviewed about my work and my upcoming keynote address for leaders in perinatal nursing. Listen Here:


Questions included:
As the keynote speaker at this year’s Perinatal Leadership Conference in November, you know this conference addresses the importance of Communication in the workplace and how valuable it is in creating a cohesive work environment, improving performance and providing the best possible care to patients and their families…

+ Can you give some examples of what communication mistakes people make in the workplace?
+ What communication tools promote a positive work environment?
+ What are some examples of how you’ve created better communication between employees and their bosses and how that in turn has helped improve the their work performance and the quality of their company?
+ What tips and knowledge will you offer to help leaders communicate more effectively not only with their co-workers but how they can better approach the emotional aspect of helping patients and families cope?
+ With the mental and emotional stress nurses face on a daily basis, it can put a damper on they way they communicate, their overall mood, and the care they give their patients. Will you be addressing and tips on how they can manage this stress?
+ How do you think your expertise will help these nurse leaders be better at their jobs and lead a more successful team?
Listen:

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I’ve been thinking a lot about how we pay attention — and how we often miss what’s best in our kids because we have our attention trained on what we think they should be doing. Now don’t start blaming yourself… our whole approach to education teaches us to believe our kids should be other than who they are.

Last week, my brother, Marc, introduced me to one of his favorite shows, Brain Games.  In Episode 2, we demonstrated for ourselves that when we are focusing on one thing, we cannot see something else, even if it is completely obvious…. I don’t want to spoil it, so if you haven’t seen the one with the basketball passes, check it out on the show. This inability to see what is obvious– when we are focusing our attention on something else– is what magicians exploit to impress us.

It’s also the exact phenomenon that leads us to worry that our kids are under-performing or not destined for the best possible life. It’s what leads us to miss and undervalue their unique combination of gifts and strengths that enable them to be more successful and happy than we can even dream is possible. This is what led me to create the “What’s Right with My Child?!?” program (more on this at the end).

To see your child’s true potential, try this:

1. Stop focusing on school performance.

2. Start noticing what you appreciate in your child.

3. Every day for two weeks, write in a journal all the things that are good about your child.

If you’d like to strengthen your ability to stress less about your child, learn to attune to their hidden talents, and discover ways to support them in developing the best in themselves, join me for a new program starting in January, “What’s Right with My Child?!?”  Watch for more information on this, coming soon…

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What do you think is the most common mistake even smart women (and men) make that leaves them struggling with stress and worry about their futures… or their child’s?

What did you come up with? I’d love to hear your thoughts: share them on Facebook and see below for the single biggest mistake I see in my work.

The most common mistake I see even smart women and men make — that leaves them stressed about their own(or their child’s) future– is striving to “measure up” against an external standard. Often I see (even highly successful) women, men, and young adults who believe they are

not “measuring up” (not smart enough, successful enough, motivated enough, talented enough, valued enough… you get the picture).

This makes it nearly impossible to see the perfection in each of us and the unlimited gifts we have, right here, right now. Seeing ourselves as flawed in our own eyes, or someone else’s, undermines our confidence, sense of agency, life spirit, and happiness. It’s a mistake I’ve made myself. So what’s the alternative?

Give yourself a break.
Instead of measuring-up, try lightening-up. Contrary to common opinion, the best way to feel better and get better results is to look for the best in you (and others), without judging or comparing performance to someone (or something) else. Lightening-up is also about building hope, excitement, awe, enthusiasm, playfulness, calm and love– which happen to be the best ways to build more confidence, happiness and success.

“Listening Up” is another way to give yourself a break… for more on this, see my “What I’d Say if You Wouldn’t  Roll Your Eyes” note, “Listening Up.“

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This year I discovered I could put a new twist on an old resolution:

Originally I wrote this with my kids in mind. This year, though it occurred to me that much of what I’ve been working on for myself and with clients is about the (misguided) notion we’ve been given that others cause us to feel bad or good. Kids, husbands, wives, co-workers, bosses… most people will tell us that these others make them happier or unhappier.

Happy people know differently. They won’t sacrifice their own well-being just because someone else is unhappy — and/or behaving badly. It’s like the first rule I learned in lifeguarding: you have to maintain enough distance and control that you don’t get pulled under by the panicked swimmer.

The same is true with emotions and behavior: you do the most good for others by standing in your own happy place and seeing the best in them, even if they are off their game at the moment. Have you ever noticed that when people feel good about themselves, they appreciate you as you are, they are accepting and want you to share in their happiness?

It can be really annoying.

The point is, if you are going to hang out together, either you cheer up and join them in their happy place– or you bring them down a few notches to join you. The same thing happens in reverse — if you’re the happier one, are you going to let someone else pull you down or will you stand firm in your own happy zone, like a beacon calling them to join you?

It occurs to me that behind most resolutions is a single desire: the desire to feel happier. So why not make that a resolution for 2016? How about resolving to stand strong in your happy place, even if someone else tries to share their unhappiness?

Happy 2016!

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What would you guess are the four strengths found in people with the highest life satisfaction? 

One is enthusiasm, according to research by Chris Peterson and Marty Seligman, and colleagues. This was inspiring news to me because “Enthusiasm Makes the Difference”

is the book I read at 17 that sparked my lifelong passion for positive psychology. 

With all the hype and stress about school performance, I was fascinated to discover that, for the people who are happiest in life, intellectual strengths did not make the short list (besides enthusiasm, the others were hope, love and gratitude). 

Stop the Stress! Expand Enthusiasm

Over the years, one of the things I’ve learned about enthusiasm is that it reduces stress. It does so by increasing your positive energy, which ripples out to calm your body and your spirit. The more room you give to enthusiasm, the less room you have for stress. Want to expand your enthusiasm? Start with this quick 3-step process: 

1. Decide you want to be enthusiastic. More than just a reaction, t’s a choice we can actively make.
2. Find something—anything– that you feel some interest in.  It can be a cup of coffee, a future project, a favorite pet, a toothpaste flavor…
3.  Once you uncover even an inkling of interest, amplify your enthusiasm: write down all the things you love about your interest. Act enthusiastic and you’ll start to feel it flow. Tell someone else what excites you.

A friend and I built our excitement for a hike by gushing to our ‘tweens, “There’s a wonderful hike we can do together!” We were delighted that our kids rose to the occasion, when a few minutes later they came into the room beaming enthusiastically. They gave us a note that said: 

Start with enthusiasm– or hope, love, or gratitude– you just may not want to start with your kids…

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