You picked up the brand new car you’ve been wanting forever. You drove it out of the lot, and now you’re heading to the mountains for a camping trip with some friends.  All the while, you’re lovin’ that new-car smell.  Go you!

As you’re driving along the back roads, you notice something a little strange. The car is leaning a bit. Then it’s making an odd sound. You pull over.  You stop the car. You get out.

Damn. A flat tire! On your brand new shiny car! How the heck did THAT happen?

What do you do?

Well, it is YOU after all.  So you do the only logical thing.

You say, “Screw it.” You reach into your backpack, get out your camping knife – and slash the other three tires.

Hey, why even bother if they’re not all working?

——–

“That’s totally over the top! I would never do that to my car!”

Yea?  But would you do it to your dreams? Your intentions? Your day?

I often meet people who started on a path toward a big dream.  Then, they got a “flat.” Maybe it was a bad performance.  Or a negative review.  Or overwhelm from too many clients.  Rather than fix the flat or put on a spare for a while, they sabotaged the entire dream. They slashed the other three tires.

Some of us do this in a single day! We have a list of priorities. Then, one flat tire, and out comes the knife, and we give up on the whole day.

It’s called Extreme All-or-Nothing.  And if it’s your default position, it actually seems rational.  You can even explain it so that it sounds logical!

“Well, of course I gave up on my own business! I took that one chance – and it didn’t work out!”

“Yea I spent the day in bed! I binged last night, and I didn’t make it to the gym at 6am! What was the use?”

Here’s what you know already, but I’ll remind you anyway:

Extreme All-or-Nothing is not rational. It doesn’t make sense.  A flat tire is nothing more than a momentary bummer.

Recently, a client asked me when exactly I knew I had totally healed bulimia. Was it when I didn’t binge anymore? Was it when I was the perfect weight? Was it when I no longer tried to stuff down my emotions?

Nope.

It was when I could go to a birthday party, have some chocolate cake, and head to the gym the very next morning in spite of my non-perfect eating.

In fact, it was so liberating that I began to see my imperfect action alone as true success – more exciting than any outward success I experienced!

So, the next time you get a flat tire, choose to experience your own pure success…

Look at the tire.

Come up with a plan to repair it or get a spare.

Leave your other three tires alone.

2.   Make this your mantra: If it’s not a Hell Yes, It’s a Hell No!

3.   Stop blaming the economy.

4.   Stop blaming period.

5.   Eat organic.

6.   Quit your job.

7.   Stop waiting for healthcare reform – start exercising!

8.   Crave silence.

9.   Put spare change in other people’s meters.

10. Practice imperfectionism.

11.  Stop being a hooker.

12.  Bet on yourself: Hire a coach.

13.  Stop complaining.

14. Choose your WORD for 2010!

15.  Start a gratitude journal.

16.  Do one thing a day that delights you.

17.  Declare your life a “Drama-Free Zone”

18.  Bring It, Baby!

19.  Expand. Don’t shrink.

20.  Decide.

21.  Be an encourager.

It was a Wednesday.

I had just walked in the door from work. My kids were getting off the school bus at any moment.

I was stressed. So, of course, I looked around for something to make me feel instantly better. Suddenly, I recalled my purchase of one slender bag of barbeque potato chips.

Once again, the Gods of Salty Snacks were there to save me!

Problem was, in my desire to smother my stress I ate half this bag of chips in about 10 minutes. (Did I mention it was a slender bag?) This frenzy was followed by a cycle of guilt and regret, with a sprinkle of self-loathing.

I’d love to say this was only about the chips. I’d love to say this cycle was unfamiliar. But I spent years during my teens and early twenties submerged in anorexia, then bulimia. I’ve long since healed from this. And yet, here I was engaging in these old behaviors.

When I realized (mid-slender-bag) what I was doing, the committee in my head went something like this:

“REALLY? Really, is this where we are today? Are we back in this place?!!”

The “this place” to which they refer is my old “food habits” stomping grounds. A veritable Big-Box Store of behaviors, foods and emotions. Aisles upon aisles of poor decisions waiting to happen.

“This place” even has greeters.

They wave me in. They know me. I have a membership card.

You have these places, don’t you? Your own Big- Box Stores of emotional ruts, brain wiring and experiences. Maybe yours are around food or exercise, alcohol, work, relationships, or spending money. The list could be endless.

Do yourself a favor.  The minute you walk through those doors, give yourself permission to leave. Even if the greeters are happy you’ve returned. Beating yourself up for finding your way back just feeds the cycle.

Here are a few ways to interrupt those old patterns:

1 – Do one small thing that changes that cycle or pattern.

On that Wednesday, instead of becoming frustrated, throwing in the towel and just finishing the whole bag, I stopped. I folded the bag neatly and threw it away. It’s amazing how much your pattern doesn’t like new things. It shatters the whole plan. (This makes the greeters grumpy.)

2 – Become your own observer.

In the midst of the frenzy, the observer part of my brain tapped me on the shoulder. I call this “clarity.” Clarity holds a nonjudgmental mirror to my behavior. It made me recognize I was in my ‘food place’. This is half the battle.

3 – Decide to focus forward.

When we’re in moments we’re not very proud of, we tend to really wallow in them. If we’re gonna fall off the proverbial wagon, we may as well go for it, right?

Sometimes I give myself a literal time limit for the wallowing. “I just need 5 minutes here…wallow, wallow… then I’m letting it go.”

It can really be that simple. The rest is just our story. Then take one step forward. See the humor. Laugh at your stuff. Forgive yourself. Keep moving.

For me, that meant I still went to the gym and didn’t punish myself. I just went. I didn’t slip into eating unconsciously for the rest of the day or week. I just ate what was normal for me.

I shared this during a coaching call with Christine – including my frustration and humor, knowing she’d been there, visits there, and can relate. We laughed. A lot.

This doesn’t mean we skate through life without these momentary lapses. It means that it’s never about perfection.

It’s always about growth.

And saying no to your greeters.

Toward the end of her session on Self-Coaching, Brooke asked the crowd if they’d like for her to coach me.   (We were co-leading the group up to this point – and when she said this, I was sitting in the back of the room watching all the breakthroughs and loving my moment of being a spectator.)  Everyone cheered, and I was handed the mic.

The first thing that came into my head was this little fear-driven thought about my performance the very next night.  It went like this:

“Gosh, here I am these three days giving so much energy at this event. What if it’s not there when I go to perform at my CD release concert tomorrow night?”  (A few people in my life had expressed concern about my choice to do so much during one week!)

I shared that thought, and Brooke walked me through to the end result of such a thought.  The end result was fear, contraction, and withholding.  (Not exactly the energies you want when you’re singing!)

Then, she reminded me of something.  I believe that what she said changed the lives of everyone at that event. (It certainly changed mine.)  I’m going to write it in my words because I’ll never remember her words exactly!

Here goes:

When you are waiting to see if IT will be there – then you are setting yourself up as a victim.  You’re seeing your energy as something outside of you. That energy – that GIVING – is something you BRING. You bring it with you. And best of all, you CHOOSE to bring it with you.  You’ve barely scratched the surface of all the energy you have to give and all the light you have to bring.  So, rather than waiting to see if it will be there – choose instead to BRING IT!

More of my words:

My blog readers are teachers, coaches, performers, poets, parents, writers, students, entrepreneurs, nurses, trainers, and artists – among other things.  My belief is that no matter what profession you’re in – it’s a service profession.  You are in service. We are all in service.

When you wait to see if the energy will be in the room, or outside of you, or among the people, or if it will just magically show up – then you stop serving.   All the energy you need is in you. You need only to choose to “bring it.” What people do with it is none of your business. Nor does that need to have an effect on the quality of your giving.  Just bring it.

I will close with the words of everyone at the Wide Awake Weekend. It became the mantra:

BRING IT, BABY!!

One winter a few years ago, I got hooked on these cookies. They became my drug of choice on winter nights when I was fighting the winter blues. One problem, though. Within about a month of practicing my nightly cookie ritual, I gained about 5 pounds!

During one of my regular acupuncture appointments, my acupuncturist felt my pulses and expressed concern over what she was noticing.  I broke down. I told her about my cookie fetish.

She remarked that the excess sugar was apparently doing some wonky stuff to my spleen, as well as a few other unhealthy things.

[Note: I’ve since learned that eating carbs late at night drives up your insulin.  Insulin blocks the all-important fat-burning "human growth hormone" – which is naturally released in large quantities about one hour after you fall asleep.   When you eat carbs at night, the insulin boost interferes with your natural metabolism process, causing you to gain weight and messing with healthy sleep patterns. For more about this, read Jillian Michaels' most excellent book: Master Your Metabolism.]

My acupuncturist smiled at my tale of my sugar addiction, and she told me quite simply:

“It’s just ritual. That’s what we all crave, really.  Create a new ritual!”

And on the spot, she prescribed a new ritual that I absolutely love. (It doesn’t mean I no longer eat cookies. It’s just that I’m not addicted anymore!)

The Apple and Cinnamon and Tea Ritual

Brew some boiling water for your favorite herbal tea. (I love Good Earth Decaf Tea in the winter.)

Then slice an apple into thin even slices and lay them out on your favorite dish or appetizer tray. (Presentation is important. It makes the ritual a special occasion.  Cookies, on the other hand, are easy to chomp down with little awareness.)

Sprinkle the apples with cinnamon.

Sit down and mindfully enjoy your tea and cinnamon-sprinkled apples.   (Light a candle for added shininess.)

—–

If you’re anything like me, upon reading this your first reaction will be something like:

Huh?

(Actually, my reaction was more like: “You think this is going to make me not want my big cakey chocolate chip cookie?  Exactly what land of new age Zen fantasy are you from?”)

But I tried it anyway.

And while it didn’t provide the same addictive bliss of the cookie habit, it replaced it with a more peaceful moment of ritual. I stayed present with the apple and enjoyed each bite.  Slowly, it became my new ritual, and I left behind my cookie fetish. (And lost the extra pounds in the process!)

Sometimes we make it much more complicated than it has to be.

It really is just about creating new rituals and habits.

——
P.S. Want more rituals that will help you thrive this winter? Then be sure to get my LiveCreative eZine this Wednesday! The feature article is “7 Happy Rituals for the Short Days of Winter.” Click here to subscribe!

Well, it’s not exactly a mantra. It’s more like a philosophy that keeps me trying new things. It goes something like this:

“Hey, if the worst thing that happens is _____________ [“I look stupid,” “I have better thoughts,” “I learn one new thing”] there’s nothing wrong with that.” I use it when my inner skeptic wants me to sit the hell down and shut the hell up. (Read: “Stay cynical and don’t change anything.”)

The first time I used this mantra was when a friend pushed me into going to a “Prosperity Workshop.” At the time, I was having money issues and lots o’ crappy thoughts.

I dreaded the workshop. I figured that everyone there would be in denial. Using affirmations like so much pink icing on the horse poop of accumulated negative thoughts.

That’s when I developed my philosophy with its kicky little mantra to go alongside it. “Okay,” said I to myself. “If the worst thing that happens is that I have better thoughts – then nothing could be wrong about that.”

Off I went. And over the course of the seven weeks, I became an observer of the patterns of mental negativity that had eaten away at me for so long. It was the beginning of major huge changes in my life. And with continued awareness and application, my life has only gotten better and better.

So, it was kind of fun to be leading a group coaching call with my Conscious Creative Success Circle last week and have someone ask a question about Barbara Ehrenreich’s book Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. Much media stir has been created around this book, fully equipped with learned people harrumphing about how positive thinking doesn’t work and ruins everything. (Yes, that’s oversimplifying – but we’ll just chalk that up to karma.) The question was about how to handle it when people seem to not understand the depth of personal work and the impact it has on so many lives.

Now, I come from the world of academia. I’m the youngest in a family of philosophers, professors, PhD’s and thinkers. I’ve been told at more than one Thanksgiving dinner that I’m a complete idiot. So by now, I’m so used to the voices of many Ms. Ehrenreichs that it kinda makes me smile. I’m not dismissing the very real anger that she has and that has been expressed all over the media. But I do see it as missing the point. (Plus, it’s much easier to stay angry and stuck, claiming your victim status – than it is to do the work to actually shift your thought patterns. I know this from experience.)

Here’s the thing though.

I also see this kind of thing as a gift. Every time someone “pushes up against you” or your beliefs, it’s a gift. Even cynicism, criticism, and angry siblings can be a gift because they all get you clearer in making a conscious choice of how you want to live.  People don’t have to agree with you in order for you to feel okay about your heart, mind and soul.

And while I’m at it, here’s a few other thoughts to start off your week:

1. It’s really great to ask yourself where you stand with this. The gift of this media surge is that it forces you to think about what you know to be true.

2. It’s okay if people think you’re wrong, or that you’re an idiot.

3. It’s okay if you can’t “prove” anything scientific enough to make them want to change their thoughts. (They don’t want to anyway. Trust me!)

4. It’s cool to be a “Pollyanna” sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re naïve. It means you’re not choosing to be jaded.

5. It’s okay if it looks like Denial to them, but feels like Choosing Differently to you.

6. And if the worst thing that happens as you live more consciously and positively is that you bring a little more light and love to the people who can receive it, then there’s nothing wrong about that.

“I’d love to go to one of Christine’s retreats if I were the kind of person who went to retreats.”

That’s what I said to myself two years ago when I began reading Christine’s blog.

I loved the way she wrote with such insight, wisdom and humor. I began to learn there was a different way to view the world. It was a breath of fresh air.

A retreat seemed so cool. But so scary! After all, I’d always been an observer – standing back and watching any new activity before joining in. I had to be perfect or at least good at something before I tried it.

PLUS, I had so many great reasons why “That’s just not me.”

- I didn’t deserve to take time out entirely for myself.

- I had a family and a job. I couldn’t just run off to do something like that. How could they possibly make it without me?

- I travel frequently for work, but I’m compensated for that. Leaving town for a retreat was a whole different animal. I had no one to invoice!

- What if these women were really different from me and I didn’t fit in?

In spite of all these “rational” thoughts, I finally went to my husband and said something completely un-empowered like, “I would sort of love to go to this thing in Asheville. It sounds really cool, but I’m not sure how you’d feel about it….”

He stopped me and said, “Why are you asking me? You look excited about it. Go.”

I went to the retreat. I purposely went alone. I wanted to be pushed out of my comfort zone. I had no idea what was in store for me. But I think my soul knew there was more to my life, and it told me that this experience was going to help me live bigger and deeper than I had before.

And it couldn’t have been more right.

In retrospect, one of the biggest victories about that retreat is that I actually went. I quit waiting on the outside of the loop due to fear of the unknown, or waiting for the nonexistent perfect time to leave my family. No one anointed me worthy or deserving. I’ve traveled alone for business countless times. But this was different. I had a feeling of adventure, excitement and autonomy I hadn’t felt before. Just making the decision to go caused a huge shift!

Here are a few things I’ve learned from that experience:

• Inaction is still a decision.

• Making one small step in a new or exciting direction can change how you feel about yourself. Today.

• Investing in yourself and your happiness is not selfish. And the ripple effect is amazing.

• Getting out of your comfort zone makes you awake. You’ll no longer sleep walk through your life.

• There’s no use in complaining about the results in your life if you’re not actively involved in changing the formula that got you there.

• Investing your time and/or money in a coach or mentor, or being part of a group that refuses to see you as anything but your best self is priceless.

• Life gives you endless opportunities to start over. It only takes one small step forward, one new and better thought to feel the shift.

This Sunday I returned from the final 2009 in-person Platinum Mastermind Coaching weekend with Christine. It was filled with her unique presence, guidance and knowledge as well as the forward thinking, wholly supportive energy of the women in this group.

This group is something I never would’ve imagined for myself. Especially if I hadn’t taken one small step out of my comfort zone to go to that first retreat.

So, as I ride the wave of changes I’ve created in my life, here’s what I want to say to anyone out there who’s standing on the edge of making a decision or taking a chance…

Step forward into a place that feels scary, new, and exciting. That’s how you know you’re moving, growing. That’s how you know you’re alive.

Your soul has no use for your comfort zone.

Oh yea. There are a few other things you should probably know, too…

I weighed about 10 pounds more than I do now, and I could not lose weight no matter how much went into (or came out of) my system. I battled severe (severe!) depression. I was also bulimic.

Without being consciously aware that I did it, I set my first huge intention just before I moved to Asheville, NC. I wrote two things in my journal. I wrote:

1 – that I absolutely had to take the risk to become a writer or songwriter.
2 – that I had to heal bulimia.

Anyone who works with me knows how much I believe in the power of intention. And these two intentions rocked my world. Within months I had moved to Asheville. And I instantly met a woman who had worked with a guy who she called a “homeopath.” (I think he would more accurately be called a “kineseologist,” as he didn’t stick with just homeopathic remedies.)

Anyway, I started seeing this guy. I drove two hours each way to visit him in this very odd location, and to sit in his waiting room with his odd clientele.

He rarely spoke to me. He never gave advice. That wasn’t his style. He was a great listener though. And he’d see me for about a half hour and then send me off with herbs and remedies. He was a man of few words.

Until one strange day.

I was sitting on the table after my appointment. I mentioned something about my depression. And he gave me the ONLY piece of advice he ever gave me or ever would give me.

“Diet Soda is contributing to your depression. It messes up your brain. You need to stop immediately.” He then took some time to explain the chemical effect diet products and artificial sweeteners have on the brain.

He sent me off with my bag of goodies. And I never touched a Diet Soda again. I’m not saying I instantly became a specimen of health at that point, or that angels appeared before me.

But I will say this:

While I didn’t “track” the results scientifically after giving up diet soda, I did notice that after several months, I didn’t experience depression as much. And it got better and better. I no longer experience it at all.

While I was still addicted to soda, I began drinking regular sugar-laden soda. Oddly enough, I lost 10 pounds that very year.

I’m not a doctor. I make no claims or add my double-blind studies.

But a man of very few words gave me that one piece of advice one day in 1993, and I’m so totally glad I listened.

It made me think of my friend Rochelle.

Rochelle has lost a lot of weight. 83 pounds so far. She’s an outrageously beautiful woman and is finding out some things about herself as she “stands out” in such a big way.

She told me about working with a client recently, and how he started staring at her. Then he said, “Wow. You are REALLY beautiful.” He wasn’t coming onto her. He just remarked that he had never noticed how totally beautiful Rochelle is.

Her skin flushed. She wanted to hide. That evening, she told her lover that it was one of the most uncomfortable things she’s experienced in her life.

This is something we all want, no? Attention? Adoration? Or, as Tamara’s company suggests, to Stand Out?

Apparently not. It makes some of us wildly uncomfortable.

Rochelle’s story reminded me of many of the nights I had finally gotten what I wanted: to be on stage in front of a packed theater getting cheered at. Some nights after performances alone in my hotel room, I experienced what Rochelle experienced: a panicky discomfort that brought up lots of old shame buried deep inside.

It has taken a long time for me to understand the true meaning of “Standing Out.”

When we “Stand Out,” or when we “step out” into what we want, what we’re actually doing is moving deeper inward. In fact, I’d wager to say that the inward movement is required in order to hold our center.

So, it might look like Standing Out. In the spotlight, into clarity, in a bigger playing field.

But what you’re really doing is Standing In. Deeper within yourself. Centering your intentions. Grounded in awareness.

Few people understand this. Few people ever discover that this is the ultimate reward of standing out.

That’s because most people feel the discomfort and they give up. After all, it’s WAY easier to remain distracted and deflect their desires into a mountain of excuses. They forget the key component of Standing Out or Moving Up or Stepping Out: that it’s really about Standing In and Moving In and Stepping In.

I told Rochelle not to worry about people staring at her. I tell my coaching clients not to pay attention to the comments they get from friends or co-workers when they uplevel their lives. Because whether you’re losing weight, getting clear, making changes or playing a bigger game, people will “push against you.” You can spend all kinds of time trying to make them stop so that you’ll feel more comfortable.

OR you can get more connected to yourself. You can get clear about your direction. You can know the truth of who you are, and, as my coach says, “Know Your Why.” This is Standing In. And I think Tamara would totally agree with me here: When you start Standing Out, you’ll need to spend more time Standing In.