As I reflect upon my dating life or lack of one, sometimes I wonder how much of the principles I was taught in church encouraged perpetual singleness.

I think of the times I was…

• Encouraged to believe that “I would just know” when a person was right for me. Which led me to over spiritualize normal attraction and believe that every guy I had a crush on might be “the one”.
• Encouraged to believe that dating was evil and a recipe for heartache.
• Encouraged to see men with suspicion and fear…to assume that they only wanted sex.
• Encouraged to believe that any sexual desire needed to be squashed down and eradicated until my wedding night.
• Discouraged from having honest conversations with men about their intentions. Men who would call me a friend, sister in Christ even though we’d talk on the phone for hours, spend our weekends together, and talk about the future.
• Discouraged from online dating or joining a singles group, because to be proactive about my dating life was somehow getting ahead of God and “taking matters into my own hands.”

As I unpack the collateral damage of well-intentioned advice, I wonder the impact of fostering a philosophy of fear on a burgeoning adult’s coming of age.

• We don’t want our daughters to be unwed and pregnant.
• We don’t want our children to fall prey to diseases.
• We don’t want our children to be victims of love’s battle field, ending up bruised and scarred.

But if we never dare to try, how can we hope to succeed?

I can’t undo the past, for there are things I would do differently in the rearview of hindsight. But as I approach my 50th decade of life, I want to do things differently.

So, here’s to new beginnings and cultivating an open mind and shaking off the trappings of fear.

Photo by Leeloo The First: https://www.pexels.com/photo/wooden-scrabble-tiles-on-red-paper-heart-6694110/

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18

How would our lives change if we truly believed that God loves us? How would that impact our relationships with our friends, family, coworkers, and even strangers?

As someone who has grown up in church, I think all too often we emphasize God’s wrath. But God did not reveal Himself to us through anger and condemnation. He reveals Himself through love. In fact, the Bible says that God did not come into the world to condemn the world but to save it. John 3:17-18

I’ve been going through a Bible Study via the You Version Bible app. Today’s lesson was on Peter’s betrayal of Jesus. Jesus had been taken away to the high priest’s home to be tried and judged. Peter follows at a distance to keep up with his mentor/savior. But when the people outside of the high priest’s home see Peter, they ask him if he was one of Jesus’s followers, Peter denies that he knows Jesus. He denies his association three times and then a rooster crows. (Luke 22:54-62)

If you are familiar with the story, you know that Jesus prophesied this betrayal to Peter. And told Peter that he would deny him three times and once he had, the rooster would crow. The cry of the rooster exposes the hypocrisy of Peter’s emphatic insistence that he would never deny or betray Jesus even if it meant death. (Matthew 26:34-36)

From my perspective, the Bible Study commentary chose to emphasize Peter’s failings and exhorts the reader, to not make the same mistake. We should be bold and not shy away from Christ because He is worthy.

This idea is true. We shouldn’t shy away from acknowledging Christ and Christians should know that God is worthy of acknowledgement.

But I offer a different perspective. I think the story is there, in the Bible, to show the reader that we are not defined by our failures, biggest regrets, and mistakes. God knows exactly who we are and our propensity to “fumble the bag”. But yet, God still loves us.

Even at our worst, God loves us.

Peter’s story doesn’t end the night of the betrayal. Jesus doesn’t cut him off and never speaks to him again. He goes on to restore Peter and then Peter goes on to be a powerful  purveyor of faith.

So, I think this story is a reminder that we will do the wrong thing. But God’s love for us is not conditional. And in spite of the fact, that God knows we will do the wrong thing, God still invites us into a deeper relationship with Him.

We can and should invite Him into our failures and shortcomings, because in spite of our weaknesses, He will do beautiful things with our lives.

So in short, there is hope. There is hope for us all because God is love.

Photo by Pixabay

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

What is the meaning of life? What is our purpose for being here.. on this earth?

As believers, if we believe that where we spend eternity and what we think about God, is one of the most important questions we can ask of ourselves and the world around us, is the church effective in equipping us to ask and answer these questions?

Somewhere along the line, it seems that evangelicals have come to believe that a “focus on the family” is all it takes to make an impact in a world full of questions about God and the afterlife. And for this reason, many churches will put a strong emphasis on the vocation of marriage and parenthood.

But as my choir director used to say, what if the emphasis is on the wrong sy-lla-ble?

Meaning, has the church unintentionally created a hierarchy of vocation?

For example, I recently visited a church where the pastor asked all of the parents to stand and then asked the remaining members to stretch out their hands and pray over the parents. 

My first thought was, what about the people in this room struggling with infertility? Does he realize that he may be “rubbing salt in the wounds” of someone going through a very painful season?

There is no doubt in my mind that this pastor felt that he was doing something to uplift a part of his congregation that he felt needed an extra dose of encouragement.  But I think he was also blind to the hierarchy that he was creating in the room.

In all of my years, I don’t recall a pastor praying over singles, the divorced, the widowed, the couples who are childless, etc., in their congregation with a desire to impart a special blessing or public acknowledgement and encouragement.

I won’t pretend to know how God works, but imagine what the church would look like if we truly ministered to all faucets of our community?

Is singleness a vocation? Marriage? Parenthood?

What if we went about the business of truly equipping people to make an impact for God regardless of what state of life, they found themselves in?

By focusing so much on a specific group and life stage of society, do we inadvertently send the message that anyone who doesn’t fit the script of getting married young, having 1.5 kids, and a white picket fence, that this person is somehow broken and defective?

Did God forget the single and childless among us? Did He mistakenly give us broken toys for a gift?

¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

Do we believe this promise?

No where does it say that God gave us marriage or children to do good works. Nor does it say that marriage and children are the way to abundant life. John 10:10

Obviously, the vocation of marriage, and possibly parenthood, are good gifts.  But they are not the meaning of life.

If the church changed its focus and actually strove to equip all of the people who walked in its door, perhaps the impact that the church would have in homes, workplaces, neighborhoods, etc. would be enormous.

We are the body of Christ. We come in all different sizes, talents, nationalities, etc. Maybe its time to embrace the uniqueness of our stories and build a beautiful tapestry of community instead of creating unnecessary feelings of alienation and hurt by being so marriage and family centric.

Photo by cottonbro studio

The other day I was talking to my boss. He has two daughters, one on the cusp of teenage hood while the other is fully in its grasp. He lamented that the music they listen to is “straight up nasty”. But he paused and wondered if this was just a case of “history repeating“?

In his day, it was David Bowie who shocked the masses by weaving in and out of the lines of sexuality and gender. David’s androgynous look and attitudes toward sex was shocking. But in the minds of some, he pushed boundaries that needed to be pushed and helped to create a more empowering and sexually liberated environment. So, perhaps today’s artists are simply doing the same thing with their own nuance and spin.

My boss’s comments got me thinking. He was clearly troubled, on some level, by the messages his daughters were receiving via the media. But he wasn’t sure how to contextualize this dissonance. Was he just old and unhip or did he have a genuine reason to be concerned?

Is there a standard by which all ideas, themes of morality should be measured…or is morality relative? Does it shift and change with each generation as the general consensus decides what is socially acceptable?

To that end, is there a design and function to our sexuality, our gender, and our lives or is this malleable too? Does it matter who I sleep with or how many? Can I live in the space in between male and female? Does such a place exist? Are we just hairless apes, cosmic accidents trying to minimize the collateral damage while we search for meaning and truth?

The Bible says that God created the world. He created humans, male and female. And later goes on to say, that our bodies were not meant for sexual immorality. That there is an actual design and function for how we should live out our sexual lives (Genesis 1 & 5, 1 Corinthians 6:13, Romans 1:26-27).

For me, the Bible gives me a framework to evaluate social mores. However, my conversation with my boss made me wonder, where does morality come from if you don’t believe in a moral absolute/authority? If morality doesn’t come from God, who determines what is right and wrong? Society, the Pope, Oprah? What metric do we use? And does morality need to be formally defined as long as I make choices that don’t hurt anyone?

What are your thoughts?

Photo by Maruxa Lomoljo Koren

Life can be hard when things don’t go the way that you hoped. And one of the challenges about singleness can be the isolation. It’s hard to feel out of step with society. There are not many childless, never married 45-year-olds in society. And the picture that culture can paint of the perpetually single can be cruel.

For certain, prolonged singleness “hurts less” than a difficult marriage. But it still hurts.

As a person of faith, I’m comforted to read the stories of people who have struggled with longing and sadness. I don’t think it’s an accident that there are stories of bareness/infertility, loss, and prolonged waiting for promises. I think it’s a reminder that God sees our pain and doesn’t hold it against us when we express it and feel it.

For example, I’ve been going through the One Year Bible. (I did it last year, but this year, I’m doing it chronologically.) Recently, my app has been pairing David’s story to royalty with the Psalms that he wrote.

David had a hard life. Yes, he got to be king. But from the day he killed Goliath, the sword never stopped chasing him. Saul… the Philistines…even his own son tried to kill him.

For the first time, I’m seeing Psalms through the eyes of a man who had fear, felt betrayed, and truly had reasons to believe that his life was in danger.

I felt that God met me in my sadness. In fact, I found a video by Matthew Hussy on YouTube. He’s a British matchmaker, author, and podcaster who has some practical tips on how to meet people.

Specifically, his “Feeling Left Behind” video had some gems about how to reframe the frustration and disappointment of prolonged singleness.

If you find yourself frustrated, I hope that this video will encourage you. It encouraged me.

-CS Woman

Aging is inevitable and life has a tendency to paint itself on our bodies and our faces. So, be kind to yourself.

-CS Woman

My brother used to say that I am an introvert that acts like an extrovert. But I guess over time, this shy, introspective, military brat has been faking extroversion long enough that I was able to turn the “I” into an “E” on the Myers Briggs test.

So, why do I bring up my personality trait? Well, as an off the scales “judging” personality. I have a tendency towards a crippling need for results, structure, and order. And of course…perfectionism.

According to Merriam-Webster, perfectionism is “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable”.

My personality is already bent to an unattainable standard of living. Then when I combine that with a religious expectation of living a pure and holy life, it’s not hard for me to see why I struggle with anxiety and a bent towards OCD/intrusive thoughts.

I have decided to bring up mental health, because a few years ago I was really plagued with shame and despair for having thoughts that were disturbing to me. By the grace of God, I stumbled on the terms “pure OCD” and “intrusive thoughts” on the internet and for the first time, I found out that my struggle had a name and other people struggled too.

I came to realize that I was not uniquely evil or bad and it was liberating. I’m still on a journey of self-acceptance and learning to have love and grace for myself.Various online videos have been helpful in my journey. Specifically, Mark DeJesus (below) has a whole series about OCD, intrusive thoughts, perfectionism, etc. I like that he gives practical tips on how to find healing from a Christian perspective.

If you struggle with mental health, please know that you are not alone.

Sidenote: I’ve mentioned that I have various chronic health issues. And understandably, some people have offered advice about various diets and supplements. But more often than not, the advice that is meant to be freeing has the potential to send me in a spiral of more rules of regulations. And it often leaves me feeling that if I can’t “crack the code”, my issues are my fault. So, I’m learning to take advice with a grain of salt and realizing that more structure and rules is not what I need right now.

-CS Woman

Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA: https://www.pexels.com/photo/lady-justice-and-a-gavel-6077123/

The workplace is not much different than the struggles of high school. You have your popular kids, teacher’s pets, mean girls/boys, etc. And just like high school, many aspects of the day are set in stone-your hours, your classmates (colleagues), assignments and expectations.

Perhaps you are one of the lucky few who has had great work experiences, but more often than not, work can be hard. You don’t always love what you do, who you work with and/or who you are working for.

There are so many articles on the web (and friends/family) that may be quick to tell you to quit…leave the toxicity.

But as long as there are flawed people who do dysfunctional things, to some degree, every workplace is a little toxic.

What I’m not saying is to stay in abusive situations (e.g. yelling and screaming), but sometimes there is value in learning how to deal with various personality types.

One more thing… Human Resources.

Unfortunately, I have had some bad situations in the workplace. I have experienced sexual harassment twice and have had bosses who saw themselves as mini dictators.

There is a time and a place to go to HR and/or the Employee Assistant Program. However, if you go to HR be prepared for potential backlash. Victim shaming is real.

So, if there is harassment, racism, bullying, or something else, speak up, but be prepared to have an exit strategy.

Tips

The tips below are specific to my issues. I’m a type A peferectionist who tends to be led by an absentee boss. Essentially, these are people who are in the office physically, but are mentally somewhere else and often don’t want to lead, make decisions, address conflicts, etc.

In addition, as a Christian, we read verses about doing things as “unto the Lord”. But what does that look like in the day to day reality? It’s great to be “sacrificial” and helpful. But if you are in an environment of “users and takers”, you may need to learn boundaries, so that you don’t burn yourself out.

1. Know your values and lead with them.
2. Match the energy of your environment. If others aren’t staying late, working weekends, why are you? And this goes for leadership positions too. If the more seniored manager is not consistently working late, why are you?
3. Are you being commended for doing extra? If not, are you sure it’s valued or what people want from you? Stop expecting people to praise what they didn’t ask for. Stop being mad that you ran yourself into the ground when no one asked you to.
4. Take time off. If you have the time, take the time. You’ve earned the leave. So take the leave.
5. If your boss can’t/ won’t give guidelines or set priorities, set them yourself until someone says that you are doing it wrong.
6. If your boss can’t/ won’t set your job boundaries and responsibilities, do what you think is best. But note that whatever you do, you are setting a precedent. So, make sure that what you are doing is sustainable.
7. Know your boundaries and hold them. Don’t be afraid to say “not my job” if the task is not something that you typically do. If you want or need to do it, make sure the other person knows that this is a onetime thing. This is not about being lazy, this is about budgeting your time and responsibilities. If you are not careful, your job will become the “junk drawer” and you will be expected to do any and everything. And you will burn out.
8. Don’t be so quick to answer emails where there is ambiguity of responsibility. Take a breath and ask is it really my job to handle or fix or am I taking on something that no one is expecting me to do?
9. Don’t be so quick to answer emails. You do need time to plan, think, and/or step away. Take back your time. You are not being helpful or nice, you are training people that you will always respond quickly. Differentiate between what is time sensitive and what is not for your sanity.
10. It may be satisfying to check off the items on the to-do list, but recognize that sometimes things are not going to get done. And that’s okay.
11. And if the leadership doesn’t seem to be motivated to resolve an issue or complete a project, then perhaps it’s not priority. Follow their lead and step away and focus on other assignments until you are told to do otherwise.

What are your tips for surviving the workplace?

-CS Woman

Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/beige-and-black-chair-in-front-of-white-desk-509922/

…And the quest to be fit.

I’m assuming that one of the most popular new year’s resolutions is to lose weight.

Unscientifically speaking, in my 44 years of observing life, it seems like it is a grave sin to gain weight in any shape or fashion.

Gaining weight is often seen as some moral failing.

But is it?

I have gained weight. I used to be skinny. I was so skinny that I could see my ribcage and spine. I didn’t have an eating disorder or restrictive eating habits. I just had a body that moved freely and without pain. And I had a great metabolism.

I don’t have either one of those things anymore.

I have mixed emotions about joining the “curvy club” and filling out into a more womanly figure. And some might even say the extra weight looks good on me. Some may not.

However, I am learning to treat my body with kindness.

I am learning that exercise is not about punishing my body or trying to live up to some ideal. I’m simply trying to hold onto the range of motion, strength, and flexibility that I have for as long as I can.

I am learning that when my joints ache and I’m fatigued (sometimes due to anemia and/or insomnia) that I need to give my body a break. And sometimes that break is for an entire week or two.

In short, I have chronic flare-ups of pain. I can push my body to the limits and pay with a trip to the doctor or I can listen to what my body wants. And sometimes what it wants is to rest.

And that means that I’m not skinny and probably won’t ever be again. And that’s okay.

And since we are talking about weight, I’d like to include the video below. Yes, it’s true that all around, people are heavier than we used to be. But Dr Yoni Freedhoff has some insights into why that might be. Maybe we need to have a more nuanced conversation than “calories in/calories out”. And perhaps we need to have a lot more compassion for ourselves and others regarding weight gain.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto: https://www.pexels.com/photo/crop-kid-weighing-on-scale-4474052/

This past December, my issues with uterine fibroids, returned. After a month of prolonged bleeding and a trip to the ER, it was decided that I needed to have another myomectomy (removal of fibroid tumors). This time the doctor removed 27 tumors of various sizes. This operation makes a total of 48 tumors that have been removed from my uterus in less than 10 years.

Honestly, it’s a miracle that I’ve been able to hold onto my uterus for as long as I have. Other women in my family have not been so lucky. In fact, unbeknownst to me having a hysterectomy has been a sad family legacy for many women in my family. And if they don’t have to remove their uterus, they have been plagued with various gynecological issues.

All that to say, I can safely assume that I have an aggressive form of this condition. Maybe intermittent fasting, keto, a new supplement, stress management, etc. could be the cure that ails me. But I don’t think so.

I struggle with my health. In the past 10 years, I have had four surgeries, numerous doctor’s visits, years of PT, etc. And to top it off, in 2020 I was rear-ended twice. The second time totaled my car and left me with three damaged vertebrae.

I live in a world where “moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal” Matthew 6:19. Essentially-I live in a world where “ish” happens.

I live in a world where sometimes no matter how clean you eat, how much exercise you do, or how much you may hope and pray, sometimes God does not heal.

Let us be careful that in our zeal to encourage others in chronic or catastrophic illnesses and conditions that we allow space for people to grieve.

Let us grieve for bodies that are not whole. Let us grieve for the loss of function due to illness, accidents, age…

For certain, it’s important to be open to treatments and suggestions that may increase the quality of one’s life. But at best, treatment may only delay the inevitable or minimize symptoms.

It’s okay that life is hard and painful.

It’s okay to grieve a difficult diagnosis.

And it’s not your fault if you can’t find a way to fix the problem or make it better.

And it’s not a lack of faith to come to the painful realization that your illness/condition may greatly and permanently impact your life.

Sometimes, God does not heal and that’s okay.

-CS Woman

Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/alone-man-person-sadness-236151/