Chuck Norris Ate My Baby

Rage (2010): Karma's a Bitch

2012-01-26T19:02:00.001-05:00

Written and directed by Chris Witherspoon, Rage (2010) is a film that shows, in explicit detail, just how far someone will go for the sake of petty revenge. The $100,000 independent feature plays as two parts paranoid thriller and one part Slasher film, following a day (from hell) in the life of a man named Dennis (Rick Crawford). Dennis, who is happily married, or so it seems, has come to a point in his life where he only really thinks about one person: himself. Dennis has become so preoccupied with himself that he has completely allowed his better judgment fall by the wayside, and the once happily married man has found himself having an elicit affair with another woman.

Throughout the film, it's made quite clear that his wife is nothing short of wonderful, supportive and loving, something that makes it all the more apparent that Dennis is simply feeding his own selfish needs. This is further proven when Dennis breaks things off with the woman he's been seeing. Dennis has been stringing along his mistress in a whirlwind romance, only to dump her because he now suffers from a guilty conscience over what he has been doing behind his wife's back. While Dennis is trying to wipe his slate clean, his selfish ways have blinded him to the potential dangers that surround him. Soon after what seems to be a random encounter with a biker decked out in all black, Dennis finds himself being stalked by the stranger, whose advances become increasingly violent, until things go well beyond anything Dennis could have ever imagined.

While the encounter is random at first thought, the woman who Dennis was having an affair with has an ex-boyfriend who is not only incredibly jealous, he was just released from prison. Is the biker who's been stalking Dennis her ex-boyfriend, or is it someone else altogether? Regardless of the answer, Dennis is forced to own up to his disrespectfully selfish ways in a fashion that no man could ever be prepared for.

At first glance, Rage is a movie that seems to have an identity complex on the surface, but in retrospect, the overall film gels together due to Dennis' character flaw driven plot. As I sat back and watched the film, I was a little confused at times as to what the movie was trying to be and where it was going, but there is a clear destination followed, which would be revealed to me upon deeper thought. As a result, the film that I found to be just okay, I now find to be much more enjoyable and possibly even worthy of a rewatch just to see how it plays out a second time around.

For a movie that costs only a $100,000 to make, Rage shows signs of a strong technical presence. There're moments where it feels and looks almost like a Hollywood made feature with a lot of skill brought to the table technically; however, there are moments where the independent feature flaws show up, things like cheap fade-ins and outs, for example. Regardless, as a whole, Rage is a well put together feature, with varied stylistic choices that seem to go hand in hand with what is unfolding on screen.

As far as the performances go, most of the acting is passable, but there's nothing too outstanding. Though, there is some lackluster and somewhat mellow dramatic dialogue to be found during certain moments in the film, something that I think hinders the impact of the performances at times. I would say the best performance does come from the silent stalker himself, the mysterious biker (who is actually played by the film's director), who, outside of a few minor cheesy hand acting moments, is an effectively intimidating presence in the film.

Overall, Rage is an interesting, if not slightly flawed, cautionary tale that should payoff for many fans of low-budget/independent horror cinema. The film often feels like a rollercoaster ride for the character and viewer alike, and while there are times where things get a little bumpy, the overall ride is satisfying enough to get back on again for another go around.

If you want to find out more about Chris Witherspoon's Rage, you can pop your head in over at the film's official site which I have conveniently highlighted just for you.

Skew (2011): A Skewed View to a Kill

2012-01-22T00:19:00.001-05:00

Following one of the hottest trends within the independent horror genre, 2011's Skew is yet another found footage horror film that has found its way into my arms. At this point, I have seen so many found footage/handheld films, specifically from independent filmmakers, that I'm almost taken aback whenever a new one is announced. It's a subgenre that is fast becoming oversaturated (or already has, to many horror fans), and is now receiving the backlash that is sure to come with any subgenre that all but completely takes over the horror scene. For me, well, I've said it many times in the past, I've had great luck with the handheld genre, and as overbearing as it's become, I flat out love it, plain and simple. And thankfully, Skew does nothing but keep that love intact.

Now, maybe blowing my proverbial load in the first paragraph of a review is a bad idea, but hey, if you're already here and reading this, hopefully you'll be curious as to why I enjoyed the film.

Written and directed by Sevé Schelenz, Skew is, on the surface, your standard road trip story, focusing on a group of friends, Simon, Richard and Eva (played by Rob Scattergood, Richard Harrison and Amber Lewis, respectively), who are on their way to a wedding. It isn't too long before strange things begin to happen to the film's videographer, Simon, as many of the people he encounters on their road trip appear to have a contorted face - a Skewed face, if you will. As the film progresses, it is revealed that all three of the characters have some serious issues with one another, and things are only compounded by the twisted visions that Simon is subjected to.

Naturally, there is more to the story as far as the horror elements go, and the same can be said for the depth of the characters tumultuous relationship, but Skew is a great film to watch knowing very little beforehand. With that said, I would rather not get into too many story details in the event you might seek this film out for yourself. What I will do is applaud Schelenz for creating some incredibly deep and layered characters. The dialogue and character development found in Skew is significantly refreshing for a film with such a low budget, and better yet, the actors all bring solid, believable performances to the table.

As a horror movie, the scary elements of Skew start off fairly early and continue in a nice even pace throughout the entire film and up until its conclusion. There is no long, drawn-out wait for the action to get going (which is the case with some handheld movies), and the film effectively uses some nicely timed and perfectly setup jump scares, a few of which that totally caught me off guard.

Something else that really plays into both the film's overall creep factor and character development is the camera work. There is some interesting work done cinematically, as the videographer, Simon, captures his friends in ways that are somewhat creepy and off putting. Simon will use his camera to simply stare at a character for long periods of time, sometimes unbeknownst to them. Even in mid-conversation, Simon will just go in real close and linger for a minute… all the while, the character is completely clueless that Simon is cinematically analyzing them. It's very stalker like and incredibly disturbing, adding a different level to the horror beyond the lurid visions that Simon suffers from.

The only place where Skew shows any weakness is in its budget, something that only translates to a few specific scenes. Some of them are scenes in which the characters are clearly dubbed into the film, with background conversations happening over footage that was obviously shot at another time in another place. Also, some of the special effects are extremely hindered by the budget; however, they go with it and don't try to shy away from what they are capable of simply because they are limited. In addition, after seeing the effect enough times, more specifically the blurry face, it does become effective enough to convey what is necessary.

Naturally, I do not in any way, shape or form, hold these specific issues against either the film or those behind it. You gotta do what you gotta do when making a low-budget film, and despite the fact that Skew does suffer from some budgetary restraints, it is quite clever and still works as an effective, marginally original found footage horror film. Maybe it's the kid in me who attaches to the genre so greatly, but I think the simplicity and stripped down nature of found footage horror simply works for me on a weird nostalgic level. I love inexpensive, homemade horror films, shot on video horror and anything else that falls in line with that style. Always have and always will, I assume, and for the time being, the genre has not quite hit the skids for me with independent films as solid as Skew being made.

Unlike many of the indie horror movies I review here, Skew is actually readily available to watch streaming on Netflix as we speak. Not that we're speaking, but I digress… if you are indeed a fan of the genre, then I highly recommend giving this low-budget gem a looksie.

MPAA Gives Ridley Scott's Prometheus an NC-17?!

2012-01-18T17:30:00.001-05:00

George: A ZZZZZZombie Intervention (2011)

2012-01-15T23:11:00.001-05:00

What is essentially a pairing of A&E's Emmy award winning series, Intervention (which usually finds a way to make me feel somewhat better about my addiction to Charleston Chew candy bars) and the zombie subgenre, George: A Zombie Intervention (2011) takes two overplayed genre conventions, zombies and humor, and injects them with a fresh idea that doesn't necessarily equal a winning combination.

The premise is fairly simple, showcasing zombies as people who are, as per usual, dead and enjoy the sweet, succulent taste of human flesh. However, they are also able to function as normal human beings and are accepted members of society, but there is the rare occurrence of a zombie going on a human flesh binge, which is the case with this film's titular character, George. Seeing his problem as a form of addiction, George's friends get together to intervene, giving him the ultimatum of going to rehab or losing them as friends. As you would see in any given episode of Intervention, George doesn't believe he has an eating humans problem and becomes standoffish to the idea of rehab. However, as the night grows long and more people begin to show up - and even more begin to mysteriously die - George must eventually face his demons.

The zombie subgenre, or, more specifically the zombie/comedy subgenre, has become so over saturated that there is barely even the smallest sign of a fresh idea in what is produced nowadays. Naturally, there are still a few that shine through; films that are able to take a tired genre staple, inject a fresh idea into it and deliver something fun and refreshing, even in an overly submerged market. Director J.T. Seaton, who co-wrote the film with Brad Hodson, had what was initially a great idea, but it's how that idea was executed that holds George: A Zombie Intervention (aka George's Intervention) back.

Where George: A Zombie Intervention falls flat is in how unnecessarily over-the-top silly it tries to be, which results in the film feeling like an overlong comedy skit that simply overstays its welcome. The concept is already funny, but to go so overboard takes away from the humor that comes naturally from the initial idea. A perfect film that I could compare George to is 2006's Fido, a zombie film with a hysterical concept but a subtle, stick to your guns execution. The humor in Fido was tongue in cheek, subdued and sharp, and it is those aspects that made that film a joy to watch. George: A Zombie Intervention pushes the matter too far and it affects the film's overall appeal. There are some very funny moments, but most of the more successful comedic moments come from subtlety as opposed to the times when full-on humor was being attempted. The comedic tonal changes and ideas are confused and tedious, leaving the film to be scatterbrained and, more importantly, left this viewer with a slightly bored taste in his mouth.

Regardless of the film's major comedic flaw, George: A Zombie Intervention is not a terrible movie in regards to the filmmaking and acting. For a low-budget movie, the film looks good enough quality wise. Most of the performances are decent, with Carlos Larkin given the standout performance as George. It was also nice to see genre actress Lynn Lowry (I Drink Your Blood, The Crazies) in the film, as she does a commendable comedic job playing a half-assed interventionist hired to help George with his problem. In addition, the budget make-up effects are very good and the film does deliver a few fun gore moments that should be best appreciated by genre fans of my generation.

I wish I had more positive things to say about this film, but so much of it hinges on the humor. Sadly, much of the humor simply did not work for me. I am incredibly picky (and cynical) when it comes to my comedy, and I generally do not find much of what the mainstream considers to be funny all that humorous, so maybe the humor might work for you. I wouldn't want to necessarily discourage people from giving George: A Zombie Intervention a shot because it's not a terrible film, I just didn't find it to be a very funny one.

Salute Your Shorts: The Code (2011)

2012-01-13T23:17:00.001-05:00

Directed by Mark Blitch, The Code is a horror comedy short film that was specifically created to compete in the 2011 Splatterfest Festival in Houston, TX where it went on to win an impressive 11 awards. Written by Jason Walter Vaile and Alan Tregoning and featuring Tamara Voss, Taylor Brandt and Todd Terry, the just under 6 minute short is a look at the importance of communication in an internet savvy world.

Outside of telling you I think The Code features a funny idea that is well executed (especially in the first half), reviewing a horror comedy such as this would be somewhat pointless. I wouldn't want to simply repeat jokes I think are funny, though, I will mention that Chad's laugh is pure gold.

It's good stuff, so take a break from your hard partying and have good laugh!

The Commune (2009): Daddy's Girl

2012-01-08T22:28:00.001-05:00

Written, produced and directed by Elisabeth Fies, The Commune (2009) is an independent thriller that follows the exploits of a young teen named Jenny, who is staying at her deadbeat dad's commune for the summer. Jenny harbors much negativity for her father (played by Stuart G. Bennett) as he abandoned her and her mother both emotionally and financially to live a carefree life as the leader of a New Age cult. However, after all these years, he now wants to rekindle his relationship with his angst-filled daughter, but his reasoning for doing so might be more sinister than simply wanting redemption for his past parental neglect.

While The Commune doesn't necessarily come right out and tell you where the film will go on a thriller level, you will have a good idea as to where things could end up simply due to that delicate line between free loving hippies and full on delusional cult psychos. Now, while there is a twist that actually caught me by surprise, and in a good way, the film is not so much focused on forcing the thriller angle down its viewer's throat as it is on projecting the difficulties of a teenage girl going through the motions of becoming a woman.

The viewer is privy to a first hand look at Jenny dealing with her daddy issues as well as her budding sexuality. She is fiercely independent, something which is clearly attributed to her mother's upbringing, but her independence is heavily challenged within the ironically confined commune setting she is now begrudgingly living in. Which is something that is kind of interesting, actually, as the people within the commune speak of freedom from religious oppression, openness and the ability to express one's self, yet Jenny is constantly judged for being who she is while also not given the privacy she, a 16-year-old girl, desires. Jenny is portrayed by Chauntal Lewis, a strikingly gorgeous actress who is uncannily reminiscent of a young Jordan Ladd (who I adore). Lewis has an immediate screen presence about her and plays the role of Jenny well enough. She is clearly not playing to her actual age, but at certain moments, she does an admirable job capturing the rebellious innocence of a teenage girl hurdling down the highway of adulthood.

While The Commune plays more to the character growth and development of Jenny than it does the thriller aspect, something which is mostly refreshing and honest, it is also that aspect of the film that suffers from its only real issue. There are a few moments in the second half of the movie where things crawl at a pace only a tortoise could appreciate. These specific moments are a result of extended scenes between Jenny and her budding relationship with a local stud named Puck (David Lago), who thankfully keeps his fingers out of the peanut butter. The overall romantic story thread between Jenny and Puck is not at all boring unto itself, and the entire relationship is very important to Jenny's character arc, but some of their scenes just go on a tad too long. And maybe that's the guy in me who says that (why's there a guy in me? Gross!!), but I think it more or less comes from someone watching a thriller, to be fair.

As mentioned, the story and female character development are something worth strong compliment from me, but where The Commune shines brightest is in the surprising visual prowess of the film as a whole. For a low-budget feature, The Commune looks very clean and is nicely shot with a level of high quality rarely found in an independent horror film. Adding another layer to the visual stamina of the film is a visually fulfilling spectrum of colors that runs across the screen, with a vibrant color palate that is overly bold and exotic, giving a false sense of ease meant to mask the true intentions of those who surround Jenny. A lot of this can be attributed to the amazingly picturesque location (the film was shot at Isis Oasis, a retreat center and ocelot wildlife preserve in Geyserville, California), but there was clearly attention paid to the cohesiveness of the location, specific character wardrobes and set dressings as well as lighting techniques used.

In many ways, The Commune is really a coming of age tale with a thread of thriller laced throughout and a splash of quirkiness thrown in for good measure. If you are one who has little interest or desire to watch a film which sheds light on a young girl's discovery of who she really is, in more ways than one, then The Commune might not work for you. For me, it's something I can appreciate on a number of levels. I truly enjoyed the character driven approach to what results in a fairly creepy, low-key, paranoid thriller as well as the impressive technical demeanor that was shown from someone who was essentially a first time feature filmmaker in Elisabeth Fies.

You can pick up The Commune on DVD for super cheap on the film's official website, where you can also read more about the movie, check out some other reviews and all sorts of good stuff.

The Death of Death-cember and Other Random Crap

2012-01-05T20:34:00.001-05:00

For the time being, the holiday season has completely made its exit from our current existence, and with that comes the end of Death-cember. Death-cember, a month where I was far from prepared to do anything whatsoever, turned out to be decent enough, all things considered. I'm happy with the posts I got up, especially with how damn busy my life was for most of the month, and Death-cember surprisingly brought about what would be the busiest month, traffic wise, CNAMB has ever seen! And for that, I have to thank you peeps out there in internetland.

Anyway, on to a new year, and with 2012 all up in our guts, I look forward to growing as a writer and making this blog the best I can make it. I have a pretty awesome new monthly segment that I actually started working on about seven or eight months ago, but just never got around to posting any of the individual posts ('cause I'm weird like that). Also, since 2011 has gone done past us up, I have begun to work on my best of '11 movie list, but I won't really do anything with that until the end of the month so I can have the chance to catch up with a few more flicks. Though, I do have quite the girthy list already. As for this month, I want to try to get a bunch of screeners and other shit out of the way, so I might make low-budget/independent horror my focus for January. And as for right now, I think I'll spend a little after holiday quality time with me wife and the Christmas lingerie I bought for her.

Somebody's getting their stocking filled all the way up this year.

Hope everyone had a great New Year, and I will see you in the DangerZone!^*

*_{Not Sure what the DangerZone is, but it sounded like a pretty sick thing to say at the time.}

Holiday in Handcuffs (2007): Sleighed by the Bell

2011-12-31T00:55:00.001-05:00

I can only imagine that there are less than a few of my readers who would actually watch a movie like 2007's Holiday in Handcuffs. An ABC Family Christmas movie staring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez does not make up the type of cinema of those who normally frequent Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, but I do know there are a select few out there whose love for bad cinema isn't solely relegated to horror and action films. There is a certain level of bad taste that one must possess to get on board and actually watch a movie like Holiday in Handcuffs, and I think the entertainment value comes from how silly and utterly ridiculous mainstream, feel-good movies can be. Like, in a way, when you laugh at a film such as this, to the point of enjoyment, it's almost as if you're laughing at what normal people actually find entertaining. It's like laughing at country music in front of people who like it.

Written by Sara Endsley and Directed by Ron "Tremors" Underwood, Holiday in Handcuffs follows the tale of an artist named Trudie (Melissa Joan Shart) whose Christmas is not going as holly and jolly as she'd like. From a botched job interview to Mr. Perfect dumping her the day before he is supposed to meet her equally perfect parents on Christmas Eve, Trudie, being the outcast of the family (aka the artist), is fearful of the prospect of once again being looked at as the family loser. But ya know, she is, so she really should just roll with the punches at this point.

Anyway, in an act of desperation, Trudie uses this antique gun displayed at her restaurant job and takes a random guy hostage with the thought that she can force him to act as her Mr. Perfect and keep her parents off her back. And guess who her Mr. Perfect replacement is? No, not Danny Trejo… it's Mario Lopez, of course. However, I think we all know the real Mr. Perfect is Zach Morris, but I guess his salary wasn't in the budget. Conquering Kelly Kapowski demands the big bucks.

So there you have it, Trudie takes Lopez hostage, forces him to act as her beau and completely believable hijinks ensue. From convincing her parents that David has a social quirk that causes him to act as if he's been kidnapped, to an impossible chance where love is so blind that it transcends being taken hostage at gunpoint.

This being an ABC Family Christmas movie staring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez, Holiday in Handcuffs is mildly entertaining at best and can only be relegated to those who like televised parades and minivans. Or someone like me, but I digress. Much of the fun I have watching a film like HIH (that's short for Holiday in Handcuffs) is predicting every little thing that will happen before the film even begins, only to be right almost every time. However, I also had a blast watching Joan Hart, or Hart, or whatever, constantly make these faces as if she just shot up some incredible black tar heroin. Like, I thought I was watching Intervention: The Movie for a second.

Something else I found to be pickle tickle worthy is witnessing Mario Lopez trying is damnedest not to be A.C. Slater. I mean, this guy is only three preppies, a momma and a backwards chair away from being full-on Slater. The guy cannot fight it, no matter how much relaxer he puts in his hair.

Since I already feel like I'm running out of shit to say about this film, I suppose I can take a minute to mention the rest of the cast, which is surprisingly pretty solid. The ever lovely Markie Post plays Trudie's mom; Tim Bottoms shaves his BUSH to play her dad, while June Lockhart does her best "I'm a sassy but kind of unaware about it in a way that is simply hysterical" performance as Trudie's grandma. Oh, and mom, dad and grandma are their character names, just so you know.

Besides mentioning the cast outside of team Lopez/Hart, or Joan Hart, or whatever, and the fact that the cabin setting is off the hook dope, there's not much else I can drudge out of myself to say about this one. Depending on your specific tastes in cinema, there is a good chance that you may find Holiday in Handcuffs to be the feel good movie of 2007. Too bad it's 2011.

CNAMB Presents: Presents!

2011-12-29T16:11:00.001-05:00

What Death-cember would be complete without a post where I show-off the Christmas goods that I received, while completely ignoring the true meaning of the holiday in a completely selfish and childish way? So here we are, only a few days after Christmas, and - despite the fact that there was not even one flake of snow to be found and the sun was shinning strong like my chest after an intense aerobics class - it was quite the wonderful Christmas celebration indeed. Of course, the fact that the overall holiday was very satisfying and fun on all fronts, the main factor for success is certainly do to all the awesome gifts I got! How selfish?!

For this holiday season's edition of Presents, I went and saved myself the headache of having to spend an hour and a half typing, instead opting for the much elongated six hour headache of trying to make a video post with a shitty phone camera and cumbersome editing software. Soon enough I'll be able to use my actual video camera (it's a long story), and poorly synched videos littered with horrendous image quality will be a thing of the past.

Anyway, why am I typing when I already did the video? Go ahead… press play, enjoy and be sure to share the awesome gifts you received in the comments section!

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Great Gift Ideas For: Robocop

2011-12-23T23:57:00.001-05:00

Christmas shopping can be quite the task for many of us, especially when it comes to picking out the perfect gifts for those who we love and care about the most. While it's tough searching out the perfect holiday gift for your aunt Janice, whose main interests are cat hair and cigarette butts, no one is more difficult to shop for than your local Robocop. I mean, what exactly are his hobbies? What is Robocop passionate about? What is it exactly that you could purchase that would force Murphy's gun to pop out of his leg with a joyful glee? Well, I went ahead and came up with a few great gift ideas that you can use while out making moves for the Robocop in your life.

A new chick - Seeing as Murphy spends much of his time moping about, daydreaming of a past relationship that is long gone, a great gift idea for him would be a gift card to match.com. I mean, who wants a bummed out Robocop around? Not me, and the only way to get his mind off that old dime piece of his is to get his oil squirting again.
A hat - Because Robo's head is wicked off-putting, and it doesn't take much to cover that thing up. I understand he is going for the whole "I'm still a human being with emotions and feelings" look, but when it comes down to it, your head is a total gross-out, bro.
A bottle of stainless steel cleaner and polish - Working the streets of Detroit can take one heck of a toll on a stainless steel bod. And using a stainless steel cleaning/polishing product will not only clean Robocop right proper, it will also give him that freshly brought to life look he had when he first opened his eyes and focused on that pen.
A pair of middle fingerless gloves - In the event that he must extract important information, or just flip someone the metallic bird, a pair of middle fingerless gloves would be a nice way to keep Murph's hands warm without cramping his style.
Christmas shoes - Something that has always plagued Robocop is the fact that every year when he shows up to church for Christmas mass, there is never a time where he isn't totally embarrassed by the incredible sounds his steel boots make as he strolls into god's amphitheater. A nice new pair of Christmas Shoes, tailor made to fit his specific arches, is the perfect gift to help Murphy with this problem, while also giving him a true sense of style and pizazz. Of course, no pair of Christmas Shoes would be complete without a copy of NewSong's classic Christmas shoe song, The Christmas Shoes. Suddenly, Robo's got a whole new attitude when he's walking down the aisle, ready to take that communion without any fear of standing out in front of the rest of the churchgoers.

Hopefully some of these gift ideas help inspire you to bring joy to the Robocop in your life, while also bringing joy to the world, because a happy Robocop is a hard working Robocop, right?! ED 209 best watch his non-Christian ass.

All I Want For Christmas…

2011-12-22T16:44:00.001-05:00

…is for The Raid to get its bad ass out and into a theater where I can see it, stat!

Also, how about Nicolas Winding Refn's Drive on DVD/BD for crying out loud? In this day in age, a four month wait for a home video release is like an eternity, especially for a film of this caliber!

Lastly, I would absolutely love it if Garry Marshall stopped making movies.

Dear Santa: Stathis Borans

2011-12-19T22:40:00.001-05:00

Elves (1989): More Camels than Elves

2011-12-16T23:13:00.001-05:00

Written and directed with at least ten pounds of acid in his system, Jeffrey Mandel's Elves (1989) is a holiday horror film that goes well beyond your typical B-Movie and into a realm where nonsense makes perfect sense.

Elves is a Christmas set monster movie about an "elf" that is released from its three inch grave when a 28-year-old teenager named Kristen and her two friends (collectively dubbed the 'Sisters of Anti-Christmas'?!) partake in some cockamamie séance in the middle of the forbidden woods using her grandfather's forbidden book of magic. Or something along those longwinded lines. Anyway, releasing an elf that, in all likelihood, will go on a B.A. rampage of death and destruction is the least of Kristen's problems.

First of all, Kristen (Julie Austin) has this shitty waitressing job at the mall, where her boss is a complete dick and the mall Santa asks her for a bit of oral just before he's mysteriously murdered by the titular (and singular) creature. So, yeah, work sucks for Kristen. Things don't get much better when it comes to her home life, either. Kristen's little brother is a perv who likes to peep on his sister's "big fucking tits," as he so eloquently (and wonderfully) puts it. Her mom, well, her moms (played by Deanna Lund) is a total full-on bitch in a way that one can only find in a film from the '80s. However, very few bitch mothers were ever so asshole-ish enough to punish their daughters for going out into the woods by taking away all the money in their savings account.

Empty bank accounts and booby obsessed brothers be damned, for they are minute issues in the big scheme of things as Kristen's biggest problem is her very own grandpa. *Spoilers ahead!* A man who is planted firmly in a wheelchair and ever so profusely gargling out the worst and most inconsistent German accent I have ever heard, Kristen's grandfather (Borah Silver) is not only a bad grandfather, he is a bad father, too. That's right, Kristen's grandpa is also her father, but grandpa's moral compass isn't so much defined by his incestuous ways as he did have his reasons for banging his daughter, and that was so Kristen could be born. You see, grandpa is a Nazi who, with his bestest Nazi friends, were planning to use Kristen's womb as a grow room for the master race. To achieve these results, at the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve, Kristen must be impregnated, through penetration, by the elf.

You still with me here?

Unlike its "inspiration," Gremlins, which totally delivered on its plural title and, unfortunately, had very little in terms of Nazi incest and monster boning, Elves is somewhat lackluster when it comes to monster-induced terror. The elf itself (isn't a rapper, like myself!) is a complete and total joke, which is fine, mind you, because jokes make me laugh, and I did a lot of that throughout my time spent with Elves.

The creature, in all its one facial expression, foam rubber glory, is super fun time awesome, but there are so many other things about Elves that really make it stand out as a true leader of the (shit) splat. One thing that immediately makes me smile in my mental Elves retrospect is the dialogue. With that said, I shall provide a few lines of said dialogue to entertain you with:

Kirsten's Mom: "You look terrible."

Kirsten: "Yeah, well, I had a rough day at work... Santa got murdered."

Some chick's off the cuff poem: "Life is long and life is hard, Kevin's is thick and Dave's is a yard!"

Kristen's pervert brother: "Is everything all right?"

Kirsten: "No, Willy. Gramps is a Nazi."

Now, while this magical dialogue is, well, quite magical, some of the best verbal wordplay belongs to the real star of Elves. A man who rains pure gold from his very being; a man who pours out of his celluloid confines and forces his way right into all of our hearts; a man known simply as Dan "The Dragon" Haggerty.

Instead of typing up Hag's brilliant dialogue, word-for-word, I nabbed this YouTube clip and set the code to start at the correct scene, just so you could hear it for yourself, right proper. Trust me when I say it's incredible.

Up until this point, there is no sort of reference to Hags ever being a detective, so this here is a straight up, talking to yourself while in a Santa suit, expositional scene.

Anyway, Haggerty owns the shit out of Elves; when he graces the screen, it is with the poise and the presence of a lion. It's as if the world simply stops to watch him run around, straight tearing shit up in his grey sweater, sleeves loosely rolled up with a continuous trail of Camel brand cigarette smoke following closely behind his flowing golden mane. And really, while talking about Haggerty in this movie (who's character's name is, 'Who Cares'), I have to go over his smoking for a second, because the amount of butts this cat puts down is the stuff cancerous legends are made of.

There is not a moment where Hags isn't seen with a fucking Camel tucked in-between his grotesquely yellowed fingers. Early on in the film, when Hags discovers a dead body and a shootout pops off at the mall, the dude is running around the place, all stealth like and raptorial, but the entire time he's smoking a butt! He even takes the time to finish off the last few drags before he leaps into action, and when I say finish off, I'm talking down to the filter. And if that's not enough, there is a car chase where the camera randomly cuts to the inside of his vehicle as he's driving, and there was a point where I swear he was pushing in the car cigarette lighter. Ten seconds later, while still in the midst of a serious car chase, the camera cuts back to a from behind shot of Haggerty and he is actually lighting up a smoke!

Unless you go the grey market or illegal download route, Elves isn't the easiest film to obtain, but it can be watched on You Tube in parts (which is where the above video is taken from). It's unfortunate that it's not available on Netflix instant (or how about DVD?!), as they often will put up a few rare and hard to find titles for streaming, but alas, no such luck as of yet. Regardless, if you find yourself entertained by the worst of the worst, then I cannot encourage you enough to seek out an evening spent with Elves. Because, quite honestly, nothing says Christmas like incest, Nazis and a heavy dose of the Turkish blend.

All God's Creatures: Love Heals All (Stab) Wounds

2011-12-08T23:32:00.001-05:00

When a person is damaged, in one way or another, sometimes the only solace they can find is by partaking in things that might not be reasonable within the bounds of normal human standards and practices. Some resort to drugs and alcohol to feel complete. Others may find that the only way to feel as if they are in control is through domestic abuse or even by partaking in some form of abnormal sexual deviancy. Then there are the select few that can only fulfill their emptiness in the most taboo of ways, by taking the lives of innocent people.

The latter is where Jon falls. Jon is not what you would call a very big fan of women. Well, at least not a big fan of women of the night, that is. You see, Jon spends much of his spare time away from his coffee shop job picking up hookers. But instead of letting them rock his world, he rocks theirs, by taking their world and ending it. While his reasoning for this awful habit is never made clear, Jon often spews out the phrase "filthy whores" (amongst a handful of other descriptives that most women do not enjoy being referred to as) as he ends the lives of these poor women. Therefore, it seems that at some point in his life, Jon was wronged or seriously hurt by a female that was important to him, thus creating an intense hatred for women and, more specifically, prostitutes.

Jon finds his happiness, his solace, in ending the lives of women that represent something very personal and possibly even painful to him. Something that is so deeply seeded that there is nothing that could keep him from continuing his nightly slayings. Nothing except maybe a woman. The right woman.

In walks Delia, an extremely attractive woman who has a certain swagger and charm that Jon has never encountered before. From the second she walks into Jon's coffee shop, Delia steals all of his attention, almost shining a ray of feminine hope that Jon has not seen in a longtime, if ever. Jon witnesses a woman that is unlike any other, unlike any of those filthy whores he is forced to slay on the regular. Delia sees a man in Jon who is genuine, sweet and someone who breaks the mold of what she knows about men, specifically the men who have been in her life. Of course, Delia knows nothing of Jon's murderous hobby, but Delia also has a few secrets of her own.

Much like Jon, Delia carries more baggage than an airplane (yeah, of all jokes I went with that one!). She too is a lost soul of sorts and has many issues to deal with. Like Jon, Delia is damaged, broken from many years of abuse. Delia is in a place where she will do anything to set her life, and the life of one very important family member, on the right track. However, getting there is a difficult road, and the only way she can see to create the right life for herself is to resort to selling her body.

Delia needs to find solace for herself as well as for her younger sister, and the only way she believes she can go about it is by prostituting herself out. However, it goes much deeper than that for Delia as she is a woman (well, more than likely a girl at the time) who was sexually abused by a man. Her solace may come in the form of her domination over her clients, the men she sleeps with for money. She is using them to get what she wants and bosses them around as she sees fit. She is in control, and uses this sense of dominance to fill the emptiness left gaping from a haunted past.

Two different people with two very different ways of coping, coming together and finding solace in one another. But can that solace be broken when one potential partner is a serial killer who enjoys murdering prostitutes while the other is just that, a prostitute?

Directed by Ryan Cummings and Frank Licata and shot in 16 days on a budget just under $20K, All God's Creatures has this certain level of charm about it, and much of that can fall on the well-written lead characters and the actors that portray them. Both Jessica Kaye (who plays Delia) and Josh Folan (who plays Jon and also co-wrote the film with Billy Fox) put out some great performances in this extra low-budget film. Folan is convincingly intense and intimidating as Josh, while Kaye has this indescribable presence about her that I find difficult to pinpoint. Her performance is quite refreshing, and she has this certain thing about her that is completely and utterly charming. She fully embodies the character of Delia, which is very important in a film where a serial killer is swooned by someone he would normally look at as a potential victim.

Despite the film's financial shortcomings, All God's Creatures is a nicely made independent thriller, though, there are a few questionable technical decisions. This would be specific to the handful of strangely handled montages that play throughout the film. The way they are shot and the odd, pop-infused music choices seemed to be quite off kilter from what the movie is going for and is slightly reminiscent of Canadian made, teen focused Lifetime movies. A traditional score or maybe something a little more simplistic with a slight edge would have worked better for certain moments. However, I do believe these montages and the music choices were meant to play more towards the sweet, romantic angle of the film, but they just seemed to be distracting from what is the heart and strength of the movie.

Regardless of those few minor tonal and technical fumbles, All God's Creatures is hinged on the characters, the performances and the idea that there is always someone out there that can help fill those empty voids in our lives. The viewer is put in a position to care and root for both Jon and Delia's relationship, despite their respective dysfunctions, and the fact that the movie is successful in generating sympathy, as well as a desire to see them succeed, says a lot about the success of the film as a whole.

If you fancy a date with a serial killer or, better yet, a nice looking hooker, then you can nab yourself a copy of All God's Creatures by clicking here and going to the official website.

Death-cember Has Begun (like, five days ago)!

2011-12-05T22:58:00.001-05:00

Oh, hey, this blog.

Posting has been more than scarce around these here parts as of late, and while CNAMB fatigue played a small role in things early on, it's now more or less become an issue of time. Not Time magazine, but time as in the thing that you can travel through if you own a car created by a cocaine dealer in the '80s.

Anyway, factors for not having much time are my extensive training in the Martial Arts, raising black bear (does that need an S for plural?), working on my own brand of four-ply toilet paper, and, of course, a whole lot of time spent at work. Guess which one of those sucks the most? So yeah, I've been wicked busy with work, but I've also been totes busy writing about other stuff on another site that is not at all film related, but it's a paying gig that brings in that extra cash for doing something I like to do, even if it is not film related.

With that out of the way, I cannot let another day pass without at least mentioning the fact that it is Death-cember, the month where I focus my reviews and other such nonsense on movies set in the winter/snow/ice/cold and/or the holidays. Clearly my lack of posting has shown how prepared I am for such a joyous occasion, however, I am working on a few things that are sure to stuff your stockings in a way that only I am able to do. You can look at this Death-cember as the year mom and I are too broke to afford all the gifts you wanted (because it went up our nose, just like your tuition), but it's the thought that counts, and the love we share is what matters the most. YAY! Christmas is the best when you have love!

Need some Death-cember in your life? Click on that Creepy golden Santa to the right and read away, while also enjoying posts that aren't formatted properly anymore!

Black Friday Chopping List

2011-11-23T22:47:00.001-05:00

And Soon the Darkness: Should've Went to Cancun

2011-11-20T14:13:00.001-05:00

1970's And Soon the Darkness is a British thriller that tells the tale of two young women, Jane and Cathy (played by Pamela Franklin and Michele Dotrice), who are spending their vacation cycling through the rural back roads of France. Both girls are of contrasting personalities with Jane enjoying the sights and experience of taking a bike trip though the stimulating, lush French country side, while Cathy is a little more interested in having traditional 'ho fun' with one of the locals she spots at a café. Later on during their travels, Cathy and Jane end up having a few random run-ins with the man from the café, but no actual interactions occur, but his random presence certainly piques Cathy's interest more than ever.

The two girls take a quick rest off the side of the road and begin discussing their next move. However, when Jane says she wants to continue on with their bike ride, Cathy complains that she's tired and would much rather take a nap and catch a few rays (you know, typical ho fun). The two have a small quarrel about their differing desires, and Jane ends up going to a nearby café for a quick drink while Cathy stays behind so she can do a little sunbathing. After she has a little time to cool off, Jane makes her way back to the spot where she left Cathy. However, when she returns, she finds that Cathy is nowhere to be found; she has simply vanished without a trace.

Now Jane is left all alone in a foreign land, trying to piece together what may have happened to her friend. She is faced with a wicked language barrier and carries a guarded sense of urgency, as she is not exactly sure who she can and cannot trust. Jane later learns from one of the few English-speaking locals that there was a girl murdered in the area years before, which rightfully worries Jane, as the murder victim fits the same description as Cathy. Even more concerning is Paul (Sandor Elès), the mysterious man from the café that Cathy was digging on earlier, who claims to have been an investigator on that murder case. However, Jane cannot determine whether or not she can trust Paul as much of what he has to say, as well as his presence throughout the day, seems to all be a bit too fishy.

Regardless of its title, And Soon the Darkness avoids resorting to the threat of nightfall for creepy atmosphere. Instead, director Robert Fuest generates genuine chills and tension through skillful camerawork, careful pacing and subdued sound design to achieve a sense of dread and unease. And he does so right in broad daylight. Fuest bravely and successfully delivers a handful of tightly wound scenes of pure suspense that occur in the bright shimmering light of the summer's sun, in an area so picturesque that it's hard to believe a murder, or anything of the sort, could ever occur. And it's all tucked into a story that's built on confusion, mistrust and a complete lack of security for our protagonist, which translates directly to the viewer.

All of the acting is tops, specifically the attractive, salmon colored butt-cuts wearing, Pamela Franklin, who plays the role of Jane in a way that is defensive but strong willed. Her expressive face conveys much of what cannot be expressed through language as most of her interactions are with people she is unable to converse with. I would say that the film's only real flaw is in its predicable ending, however, there are a number of clues that would point to the conclusion and eventual reveal of what happened to Cathy. Nevertheless, the film remains unclear enough to where you will question your clue driven prediction at certain points, thus keeping one from ever being 100% sure until the final moments.

And Soon the Darkness is a prime example of what made well-crafted cinema of the 1970s so wonderful. It's patiently paced with a deliberately ambiguous tone that puts the viewer in a position of being just as unsure as Jane about the whereabouts of her friend as well as her own safety. Robert Fuest allows the story to unfold naturally, which helps to mount an uncomfortable feeling that slowly creeps up your spine throughout the picture and up until its eventual finale.

Chk Nois Ate My Baby Shut Down by the Government!

2011-11-17T00:41:00.001-05:00

Join the fight against censorship. If you think it doesn't or couldn't affect you, think again, homeboy (or homegirl… I don't wanna be sexist here).

Follow this link to learn more!

Chucktober Giveaway Winner!

2011-11-08T21:49:00.001-05:00

Finally, a winner has been picked! If you want to find out who won the Chucktober DVD/Paracinema Magazine Giveaway, then you'll have to watch the video below!

Before you do though, I must apologize for the audio issues. I don't know what it is with me and video, but some shit always seems to go wrong, and this time out I am bringing you my version of Kung-Fu Theater. Which is actually kinda cool.

Salute Your Shorts: Waffle

2011-11-06T00:32:00.001-04:00

Sliding in just over 5 minutes, Waffle is a cautionary tale that enlightens its viewer to the horrible things can happen when one hides their true colors in a deceitful way. The short focuses on two very different high school girls. Wendy is the school reject with a horrific facial deformity, while Dana is a seemingly popular girl who has the looks to match her social status. While at first glance these two young women appear to have absolutely nothing in common, it is Wendy who always finds a way to win the school science fair each and every year, and Dana wants to see an end to her reign. Why would the good-looking, popular girl want to win a science fair? I'm not so sure, but it's an unimportant detail, I suppose.

Written and directed by Rafael De Leon Jr., Waffle is a well put together short film that whips by so fast there isn't much time for a story to be fleshed out. The viewer is dropped directly into these characters lives with the short opening up just as Dana is eating dinner with Wendy and her mother in their home. Amidst some strange and slightly concerning conversation via Wendy's mom and a few unclear glimpses of Wendy's awful disfigurement, Dana grows uncomfortable, and soon her true intentions are revealed. However, Wendy and her mother have some nefarious intentions of their own. With that comes a quick conclusion that is fun, albeit a little lax with its impact due to there being no investment in the story. To be fair though, it is a short film, so this is less of a complaint and more of an observation. It should be noted that the film does follow a tight and precise three act structure, working as a prime example of how backstory can be properly conveyed when exposition is handled properly.

Waffle is still out and about on the festival circuit for what will probably be the rest of the year, so that would remain to be the only way to see the film as of this moment. However, if you do find yourself in the position (not THAT position!) to see the film, be sure to. It's fun enough and so quick that it's difficult not to claim that it's time well spent.

A Baby Too Big to be Eaten?! Wah-wah-WHAT?!

2011-11-03T01:23:00.001-04:00

Well, Chucktober is all over now, and as I whimper out of the month tired and underwhelmed due to an elongated state of blogging boredom, a less than exciting Halloween, and some personal bullshit, I have to reposition myself to shine that positive smile upon the world. Or something. Depending on my mental state, chances are things will be a little scarce around here, but hopefully that equates to some better quality post by yours truly. Only the finest in dick and fart jokes for my readers, I say!

Anyway, I do have some classy content to share with you, but that content is at a place much classier than this, and that is Paracinema. If you feel the need to read about one of the most mind-bendingly strangest films I have ever seen, ever, then head on over to Paracinema to read my review of 1973's The Baby, a film about a baby who is literally too big for his britches.

Speaking of Paracinema, in the next day or so I will be revealing the winner of the Chucktober DVD/Paracinema Magazine giveaway, so don't fret, freters! All of those who were awesome enough to share some great Halloween traditions with me deserve a big thanks, and I wish you all the best of luck in the upcoming drawing.

And once again, speaking of Paracinema, if you were not already aware, the independently produced cult/genre film magazine was recently picked up for distribution, meaning there's a real good chance you can grab yourself an issue at a store near you! For your convenience, I have provided a list of retailers across the United States and Canada carrying this fine ass bitch of a magazine.

Don't be a commie… support your independence by picking up an issue of Paracinema!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T11:54:00.001-04:00

Hope everyone has a frighteningly fantastic Halloween!

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Fruit

2011-10-29T14:44:00.001-04:00

WOW! FRUIT! YAY? I mean, you might as well just give me an apple with a razorblade in it. At least I can use the razor to cut your phone line and your electric before I come into your home and take all of the good candy you kept to your asshole self.

It's like QVC but sluttier

2011-10-27T17:05:00.001-04:00

You know, it sure is getting cold outside and all, but that don't stop me from wanting to show off my midriff to all the neighborhood boys. The only problem is, all of my dangling belly button rings are either dolphins, crescent moons or butterflies! lol! I have absolutely nothing seasonal to decorate my navel with, but thanks to the fine folks over at Body Candy Body Jewelry, I can properly decorate my front porch in the hopes that I can draw a few visitors to my backyard, if you know what I mean.

WOW! There is so much Halloween hotness to choose from, I don't even know where to begin!

One of my favorites is definitely the glow-in-the-dark Sexy Witch, witch, as Kelsey claims, "does glow so bright," something that works as a great distraction from the festering venereal disease that I caught when I let that meth dealer go down on me in Joanne's Chevy Beretta last August. lmfao! On the other hand, I doubt if someone like Billy Bob would really give a turd about a few scabs and warts.

Speaking of warts, I love those pumpkin earrings soooo much! However, nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the super groovy glow in the dark spider dog tag! Ugh, I wish Cleophus "Rock Salt" Jeremiah was still around to pick me up in his Firebird. I miss those special nights where he'd come by my house at like 2:30 in the AM, and he would be sooo wasted! Boy, we would drive around and listen to Ugly Kid Joe for hours and hours. If he were here to pick me up right now, I would totally give him that dog tag at the end of the night. I bet he would have married me then, instead of getting with that fat cow Linda Mae Macintosh! You do know that's not his kid, right? That pig's been with every guy from here to Chewaback County. And I'M the slut? Whatever. lol!

Anyway, as much as I love all of these adorable naval pieces, Body Candy don't do COD (can you believe it?), so I guess I'll just have to go pick up an 8ball instead.

Goosebumps at 33: Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns

2011-10-24T23:07:00.001-04:00

………………………………………………

Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns

Halloween is just around the corner, and no one is more excited that Drew, a young lady who simply adores the holiday with all her heart. Her anxious best friend, Walker, doesn't quite share the same enthusiasm for Halloween as Drew, but he remains loyal to his adorable best bud nonetheless. Regardless of enjoying the fright and fun that can come from All Hallows' Eve, Drew does not enjoy the horrific practical jokes provided by rival girl/boy duo, Tabby and Lee. You see, Tabby and Lee are a couple of wisecracking practical jokers who will more than likely individually die all alone of old age, just like that little fart Stephanie from The Headless Ghost. Every Halloween, Tabby and Lee find multiple ways to scare the living doodoo out of Drew and Walker, and, like J.Lo, Drew has had enough!

Drew, tired and beaten by the horrific pranks that have plagued her ever so devastatingly, finds herself being lent a helping hand in the form of her two old friends, Shane and Shauna. Shane and Shauna promise to help take revenge on Tabby and Lee, and the only thing that Drew and Walker have to do is invite them to go out trick or treating together. Little do they know this would eventually land Drew, Walker, Tabby and Lee in trick or treat heaven, where all the houses are decorated and contain owners who are handing out multiple candy bars the size of Val Kilmer. Heaven indeed. Also, diabetes indeed, but I guess these kids are young and have a few years before they have to sweat the small stuff.

As would be expected, massive helpings of beast like candy bars in a neighborhood straight out of my wet dreams is probably not all that it appears, and that is surely the case here. This is where I stop talking about the episode's plot and talk about some other stuff now.

Coming straight outta Compton on October 26, 1996, during the show's second season, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is yet another delightful little outing in the Goosebumps pantheon. The Halloween setting is pretty much an automatic win in my book, and there are plenty of fun and/or ridiculous little moments that are worthy of a smile or two (depending on how many mouths you have, of course).

One of the best moments is when Walker and Drew reveal their horrifically lame Halloween costumes. Walker – who, despite his deceptive name, is not a Texas Ranger – is dressed up as a dark and stormy night (don't even ask) while Drew dresses up as a super hero named, ready for it? Super Drew! Super Drew?! That's a bit of a copout, no? Like, if I put on a pair of tights (which I would never do, 'cause I quit ballet) and a mask, I could say I'm dressed up as Awesome Matt and get free candy? Weak, brah.

In any event, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is a purrr-fect episode of Goosebumps to enjoy on a dark and spooky Halloween night, and I would be remised if… I'm Sorry. I don't know why I spelled the word perfect like that. Purrr-fect?! I guess I was just trying to be seductive, maybe build up my readership through sex appeal, and now I just look like a big fat idiot. Damn it.

Oh well, until next time, kiddies…