Chuck Norris Ate My Baby

The Red House (1947): Trespassing into Womanhood

2012-05-26T12:55:00.000-04:00

Based on the novel by George Agnew Chamberlain, 1947’s The Red House is, on the surface, a fairly straight forward thriller that focuses on the dangers of jealousy and the secrets and lies that can come from contained lust. The film stars legendary actor Edward G. Robinson as Pete Morgan, who with the help of his sister Ellen (Judith Anderson) has raised a girl named Meg (Allene Roberts) from an abandoned baby girl to a teenager climbing towards adulthood. Despite their unusual situation, their family unit is quite stable; however, things begin to change for the family when Mr. Morgan, who has lived much of his life as a cripple, decides to hire one of Meg’s schoolmates, a young man named Nath (Lon McCallister), to help with some of his daily choirs.

Nath is the kind of boy who could be considered a popular kid. A good-looking young man who has a lot of charm and as much tenacity to go with it. He has a bright future, he’s eager to work and he even has himself a very attractive girlfriend named Tibby (Julie London), who loves him as much as he loves her. His character greatly contrasts that of Meg, who is painted as socially inept, but for no other reason than she is simply a little shy and certainly sheltered. It is revealed early on that her odd family situation is cause for gossip filled whispers at her high school. The chit-chat is not necessarily a direct result of how she carries herself socially but more a result of her personal home life. Regardless, she is very innocent to the world in almost every way; it’s a characteristic that she exudes from her very being and how she presents herself.

While shy, Meg is at an age where naivety brings about an intense curiosity of the world outside of the one she has always lived in. It is this curiosity that is prodded by Nath who, after learning that the surrounding woods near the Morgan’s home is plagued by some sort of unnatural danger, decides to investigate. Despite the numerous warnings given by Mr. Morgan, Nath is driven by his own brand of curiosity, and Meg is quick to follow Nath in his quest to learn more about what wicked things haunt the woods and what answers lie within the Red House.

For much of the film, there is a bit of a power struggle between the persistent Nath and the adamant Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan constantly asks Nath to just stay away from the woods. But despite Mr. Morgan’s warnings of the danger they present, and regardless of the proper head that he carries on his shoulders, Nath is too stubborn and, to a point, too egotistical to listen. While Mr. Morgan is not at all okay with Nath’s persistence, he is more concerned for the safety of Meg, who he has clearly been protecting from the secrets of the Red House and possibly the real reason she is as sheltered as she is. Nath’s desire to explore rubs off on Meg, and for Meg this is more than just a little adventure, which is what scares Mr. Morgan most.

While there is much to be said story wise about director Delmer Daves’ The Red House, what makes it stand out as being more than your basic, albeit well made, thriller is the complexity of the characters. It’s what really sets the film apart, specifically with the characters of Nath and Meg, who carry a level of subtext worthy of completely overtaking my attention in this review.

The character I find to be most interesting is Meg, who is driven by a desire to learn about what secrets are being kept from her and how they might affect her past, and Nath is the catalyst that sets her on this path. However, this runs parallel to a budding sexual subtext, where Meg is not only exploring her past, she is exploring her own individuality both as a woman and as a sexual being. And again, Nath is clearly the catalyst in this situation, too.

This all plays right into Mr. Morgan, who clearly perceives Meg as a daughter and fears that she will be greatly hurt by what she can learn from the past. Despite the fact that he is basically only her caretaker, Meg looks at Mr. Morgan as a father figure, and she is very much treated like daddy’s little girl, regardless of whether she actually is or not. Meg is growing into a woman, and as is the case with almost every girl who matures into womanhood, she is gravitating away from someone who has been her protective father figure to someone who can give her more than fatherly love. Deep down, this is what I believe truly frightens Mr. Morgan about Meg and Nath's growing relationship.

While her budding sexuality is a clear subtextual character trait, Meg is never exploited in a sexual fashion or any fashion whatsoever. In fact, she remains pure sexually and, more importantly, as a character throughout the film. Meg's curiosity about her past and as a sexual creature is played off innocently, and when in contrast to the more outwardly lustful character of Tibby (Nath's girlfriend), her character’s arc and structure benefit from it. She becomes the character that the viewer (or at least me, to be more specific) and Nath come to fall in love with, and this is indeed a natural progression throughout the film.

With her expressive doe like eyes that feel as if they are staring directly into your soul with a loving innocence, Meg is a character who slowly takes over the film by becoming the character that the viewer cares about most. In my opinion, falling for Meg is a necessity for The Red House to be successful, and it gives the film a density that helps it be much more than a mere thriller. It's the story of a woman becoming a woman, on her own terms and without the constraints of authority.

Throw Your Motherly Hands in the Air!

2012-05-13T23:44:00.001-04:00

Happy Mother’s Day, from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby!

Zaat (1971): Underwater Love

2012-04-20T23:44:00.001-04:00

Directed by Don Barton, Zaat (1971) is probably best known to genre fans by its alternative title, The Blood Waters of Dr. Z, which was the name used when the film played to the heckling crew of the Satellite of Love for an episode of the much beloved TV series, Mystery Science Theater 3000. I've never been fortunate enough to see the episode for myself, so I was going into the film completely fresh. However, knowing that it made an appearance on MST3K gave me a good clue as to what I was in for. Well, that and the fact that Zaat has also been granted the extremely low score of 1.7 on IMDB, something that, in all honesty, tickles my fanny in the most joyous of ways.

Zaat's story follows the exploits of an ex-Nazi mad scientist, Dr. Kurt Leopold (Marshall Grauer), who has spent much of his career trying to create a catfish/human hybrid, and he has finally resorted to using himself as a human guinea pig. The goal: to create a catfish with the size and intelligence of a man and a man with the predatory prowess of… a catfish. All wrapped up in one, badass human/catfish package. Though, maybe using the word catfish is a tad deceiving, as apparently the ex-Nazi mad scientist dude's plan worked, in theory, but for some reason he has not taken on the physical appearance of a catfish. Something that he explains at some point during his 20 minute long summary of his plan… to himself, which we can thankfully hear because without such exposition we would have no clue as to what is going on in the film.

"Time for my eardrops"

Regardless, the lack of catfish resemblance does not affect Dr. Leopold's strength or intelligence in any way, but I can imagine the disappointment on his non-catfish-face when he came to the realization that the Charles Bronson look was completely out the window. Thankfully, this does not impair the directive of this ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking catfish that doesn't look like a catfish, as the show must go on, and he must remain focused on his efforts in finding himself a dime piece to turn into his very own catfish that doesn't look like a catfish wife. Or something to that effect.

Along the way to find himself a bride, many people feel the clawing wrath of Dr. Leopold. He unleashes vengeance on all those who have ever wronged him in the past and anyone who dares to stand in his path in the present. As victims pileup due to Leopold's vicious claw thing that has the ability to dismantle a human being with what appears to be no more than a paper cut, the authorities take notice. Though, I guess they took notice when there were multiple reports of a human sized walking fish, but they sort of brushed it off not knowing that they were actually dealing with an ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking catfish that doesn't look like a catfish. That's a completely different level of trouble right there, folks, especially in a small Florida town with a high hot blond ratio.

I'll be ready, forever and always, I'm always here!

Moving along, although Dr. Leopold is making mincemeat out of many of the area residents, he has a much deeper level to him than being a simple "murderer." Let's remember, even though it isn't at all mentioned in the 20 minutes of expository projected thoughts that Dr. Leopold shares with the audience earlier in the film, he is on the hunt for a woman to call his own. He's looking for love, but I wouldn't say in all the wrong places, as there are plenty of girls that are fly like Brundle in this small town, but he is certainly going about things the wrong way. Kidnapping and attempting to turn your date into a walking catfish is not the smoothest of moves when trying to make a love connection. Trust me.

Still, as much as Dr. Leopold stumbles in his adventures of the heart, he does mean well, and this is all the more prevalent from his skills as an artist. Leopold spends some of his downtime drawing heartfelt portraits of the women he is trying to swoon, showing that, in all reality, he's just a misunderstood artist trying to obtain what many of us would want to achieve. Dr. Leopold is more than just a monster; he's an artist. He's an artistic, ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking-catfish that doesn't look like a catfish that only wants to find somebody to love, something that all artistic, ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking-catfish that don't look like catfish are truly looking for, deep-down. Something that we are all truly looking for, deep down.

Dr. Kurt Leopold: Proving that Science and Crayola art can go hand-in-hand

We can judge Dr. Leopold for being an ex-Nazi. We can judge Dr. Leopold for being a mad scientist. We can even judge Dr. Leopold for being a walking catfish that doesn't look like a catfish. But what we cannot do is judge Dr. Leopold for wanting to love.

*Awkward transition into final paragraph where I go on to recommend the film*

All jokes aside (as in this entire review), if you are truly a fan of super corny B-Movies, I fully endorse grabbing up a copy of Zaat on BD. It looks great, considering the film's budget, age and a little DNR. More so, it's incredibly rare that a true B-Movie is given such respectful treatment on home video, something that all films like Zaat should receive, in my opinion. Not only that, but the movie is fun as hell (I only barely touched the surface here… ), and will play perfectly to a drunken crowd of nerds or to someone like me, an ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking catfish that doesn't look like a catfish who loves the pants off of bad movies.

Dump5ter Diving for Gold: Redemption

2012-04-01T14:12:00.001-04:00

And like Motownphilly, I am indeed back again with another kuh-razy edition of Dumpster Diving for Gold! Okay, maybe it's not so much crazy as it's really just a normal edition, but I figured if I punched up this little dialogue by calling it kuh-razy, you might want to check it out in the hopes that you would indeed see something crazy. In fact, the only thing crazy in this new DD4G is the fact that I actually made a video with my hair looking the way it does. Now that shit IS kuh-razy!

I'm hoping I can get a little more consistent with making these videos in the future… I have a ton of (awesome!) VHS tapes to share with you all as well as some more inexpensive DVDs, so I will be making an effort to make videos a little more often than I have been. Anyway, here are some totes awesome DVDs I picked up on the cheap recently. Check it, shun!

Answer Me, You Maggot!: Nightmare - The VHS Board Game

2012-03-27T00:21:00.001-04:00

I recently stumbled on this video for the Australian VHS board game, Nightmare, which came on the scene in 1991 and apparently took Australia by storm. The result of Nightmare's popularity can be seen in the video below, which includes a promotional video, a few commercials and a handful of other promotional material, all of which is nothing short of completely magnificent.

And when I say magnificent, I mean, there are some serious dance parties involved here, and all I can wonder after watching this video is where the hell was I when this was all going on? Like, I would have totally killed that dance floor back in '91, straight moving my hips for the love of horror and VHS! But alas, my mad moves and infectious grooves were kept at bay here in the states, only to dream of that one day when they could be unleashed in front of The Gatekeeper!

Check out this video… it's seriously awesome.

Sympathy for Paracinema!

2012-03-25T00:24:00.001-04:00

Good lord it's been forever since I last posted anything up in this piece, and for that, I apologize. Though, I suppose you'll get over it over time, because as we all know, time heals all wounds as well as all gaps between blog posts, too.

Anyway, I don't want to get into too much detail for my lapse in posting at this exact moment in time, because I am only really dropping in to do a little plugging. And no, I don't mean that in a sexual way. Yet. Instead, I am here to share with you the gift that is the latest issue of Paracinema Magazine!

Paracinema issue #15 has been dubbed The Revenge Issue, with fantastic articles such as:

When Life Gives You Razor Blades: Bloody Vengeance in Hobo with a Shotgun
by Christine Makepeace (I know her!)

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Raw and Wriggling: Park Chan-Wook’s Vengeance Trilogy
by Samm Deighan

Going Back Home: Post-Vietnam Masculinity in Rolling Thunder
by Adam Blomquist

Point Blank: Nobody Knows
by Melvin Cartagena

You Want It, You Got It: The Grim and Gritty Extremes of Punisher: War Zone
by Patrick Smith

Chainsawing Well is the Best Revenge: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2‘s Texas Sized Vengeance
by Zachary Kelley (I know him, too!)

And there's plenty more where that came from, home boyeee!

And there you have it… it appears as if issue #15 of Paracinema promises to dish out the revenge as cold as can be, and with a line-up of articles covering the Vengeance Trilogy, Rolling Thunder and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, well, consider me sold, brah.

You can grab a copy of Paracinema #15 on the Paracinema.net website (click here!) for a measly $7! That's a crazy good price for a magazine that has, like, hardly any ads and is filled with great content! Alternatively, you can pick up Paracinema Magazine at many a fine retailer. Not sure if there's one near you, well, here's a retailer list (click here!)! I got you covered, homie!

Salute Your Shorts: Creak

2012-03-10T20:43:00.001-05:00

Written and directed by Luther Bhogal-jones, Creak is the first film to come from Sincerely, Psychopath productions' new Disposable Screams banner, which will be focusing on a series of short horror films. Assuming you've already watched the short before reading this, you more than likely have already figured out Creak is an extremely short film that comes in at just about five minutes - minus the credits.

There isn't much here to break down, as Creak is fairly straightforward in its narrative. As someone who watches a fair share of shorts, both jean and horror, I really appreciate when a short film can dish out some food for thought in a less than ample amount of time. Alternatively, I also enjoy a short that can simply tell a quick, stripped-down tale of terror, and that is what Creak does. Creak doesn't necessarily bring anything to the table that hasn't been seen or done before, nor is it something filled with any sort of actual depth, but what it does do is provide some impressive lighting and editing techniques.

There is definitely a level of professional skill shown with Creak, and I think it's safe to say I'll be keeping tabs on what ever shorts come out of Sincerely, Psychopath's camp, both jean and horror. This would especially be the case with their upcoming short, Knock Knock, which Bhogal-jones describes as "a Bava/Argento inspired affair."

Check out Sincerely, Psychopath's Facebook page to keep track and learn more about future projects.

Leprechaun 3 (1995): A Full House… of Horror!

2012-03-04T23:01:00.001-05:00

Well before he ever Crip Walked his green little ass into da 'hood, or took one giant leap for Irish-kind by going up into space, the Leprechaun found himself spreading his particular brand of mayhem in the city of sin, Las Vegas, in 1995's Leprechaun 3: No Hysterical Subtitle to Speak of, Unfortunately.

Directed by Aussie genre-film icon Brian Trenchard-Smith, Leprechaun 3 takes the tiny titular terror, frozen in stone, and places him in a Vegas pawnshop. It isn't long before the pawnshop's owner removes a protective medallion from around the Leprechaun's neck, freeing him from his stone encasement and allowing him yet another chance to wreak havoc on all those who dare touch his precious gold.

"The concentration it takes to look into your eyes right now is incredible"

A great deal of Leprechaun 3's first half is spent with the Leprechaun trying to retrieve a gold shilling the pawn shop owner got his greedy little hands on, but the only thing keeping him from doing so is the power of the magic medallion. However, while the storeowner is protected by the medallion for the time being, I think anyone who knows well enough is aware that our friendly little Leprechaun is one tenacious bastard when it comes to his cherished gold, even when the cards are stacked against him.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Vegas strip, a super sexy magician's assistant named Tammy (Lee Armstrong) runs into some car trouble on her way to work. Luckily for her, an out-of-towner named Scott (John Gatins) comes to her rescue and offers to give Tammy a lift. There is instant chemistry between the two characters, and going against her gut, Tammy allows the under 21 Scott to sneak into the casino, so long as he promises not to do anything stupid like gambling. However, it isn't long before the charmingly naïve Scott cashes in his $23 thousand dollar college tuition, only to lose all of his money to some rigged casino games.

Always bet on black… lipped Leprechauns

Desperate, broke and seeing his future go down the toilet, Scott figures his only solution is to trade in his valuable wristwatch for some cash so he can try to make that big LL come back. And can you guess what happens next? That right, Scott makes his way to a pawnshop so he can pawn off the watch, and it just so happens to be the same pawnshop where the Leprechaun is! What ARE the chances? Well fairly good, I suppose. In any event, Scott avoids a vicious tussle with the Leprechaun after he grabs one of the gold coins and wishes he were back at the casino and on a winning streak. Naturally, Scott's streak of luck cannot last forever, as the Leprechaun is hot on his tail now and forever. And so long as he or anyone else posses the treasured gold, tales of death, murder and destruction will continue to be told.

Now, when most people think of great gambling movies, generally films such as Casino Royale, Rounders, The Gambler, and Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels are the types of films that would normally come to mind. Of course, while I enjoy all of those films, and many others that fall into the sub-genre, there is no other that can entertain quite like Leprechaun 3: The Wrath of Chaun. Okay, I made up that "Wrath of Chaun" business to punch up the film's title a little; you know, to make it worthy of the film itself. Sorry for being a liar.

"You mind putting this coin in your slot for safe keeping?"

Anyway, outside of the mildly mediocre leads (though Scott's insanely oversized cargo-vest is a magnificent character in and of itself), the cast is actually quite good, with stand out comedic performances from John DeMita as Fazio, an inept magician, and Caroline "Stretch" Williams as Loretta, a past her prime, greedy casino employee. But while there is a copious amount of hilarity found from those two bumbling characters, as well as a few others, it's the humor that comes from the film's main attraction, the Leprechaun, that really delivers the laughs in spades. As he has done throughout much of the series, the great Warwick Davis deals out numerous memorable moments as the Leprechaun. For example, seeing Lep interact with an Elvis impersonator is incredible on its own, but seeing him do a fucking full-on Elvis imitation, complete with swinging hips and all, is one of the greatest things I have ever seen.

Leprechaun 3 is the type of movie that does exactly what it sets out to do, and that is deliver a few laughs, a few kills and some pure, unadulterated amusement. From Lep's ability to spit the sickest rhymes on the block, to the inventive, Vegas inspired death scenes, you know that Brian Trenchard-Smith and co. went all in when making this straight-to-video sequel, and as a result, Leprechaun 3 truly hits the B-Movie jackpot.

CNAMB's Worst Movies of 2011

2012-02-27T23:29:00.001-05:00

Well, 2011 may be way over, but I still have a little unfinished business to attend to, and this time it comes in the form of my worst movies of 2011. Unlike some of the films found on lists from previous years, this list of worst isn't quite as bad, I suppose. Though, I do find it incredibly difficult to think any movie can even come close to being as bad as 2009's Wolverine, so I always know I have that going for me right there.

Exit 33/Eyes in the Dark

Moving right along, I made the decision to group the first two films on my list together, and the reason for that being is I find both of them to almost be the same. Not the same in terms of story or delivery, but in how they both affected me as a horror movie fan. Both Exit 33 and Eyes in the Dark aren't exactly the types of films making an appearance on any cinema listings at the local multiplex, but they are, in my opinion, perfect for a few drinks with likeminded friends. Neither of these movie are even close to being "good," but they are truly authentic B-Movies. And while a majority of genre fans would poop all over both of them (and rightfully so), I think there is a chance they will be making a select group of horror fans laugh their asses off in 20 years. With that said, regardless of whether or not I found both Exit 33 and Eyes in the Dark to be kind of fun, it is a necessity that they make some sort of an appearance on this list because they are simply awful, inept and flat out stupid. And I cannot ignore that fact, no matter how bad my taste is.

Eyes in the Dark Review

Exit 33 Review

Insidious

Oh, Insidious… how is it that you, out of so many other great horror films released in 2011, were so successful, while being so incredibly mediocre? A horror film that wasn't a remake or a sequel - but was oh so far from being original outside of its grossly over explained astral projection gimmick - Insidious certainly garnered its fair share of positive attention in 2011 from horror fans. But while it sits firmly on this list of worst films from 2011, and as deservingly scathing as my review was of the movie, I didn't hate the film; I just thought it was utterly unimpressive. I'll give credit where credit is due: I thought there were some nicely put together scenes of nail-biting tension early on in the film, but there was also an obnoxious lack of restraint shown with each of these scenes, and things got progressively worse as the film rolled on. It's too bad, really… I honestly wish I could have loved Insidious, but instead all I got was a film that wouldn't even make my top fifteen horror films of 2011.

Insidious Review

George: A Zombie Intervention

It hasn't been all that long since I watched and reviewed the next film on my worst of 2011 list, and, quite frankly, the boredom the film riddled me with is still quite fresh. George: A Zombie Intervention is not a horrible film by any stretch, it's just a pretty boring one. And to top it off, for a movie that is being sold as a zombie comedy, I found it to be far from humorous outside of its initial concept. There are a few funny moments here and there, but George: A Zombie Intervention pushed jokes too far and over-the-top into places that were so completely far from entertaining, let alone funny. Honestly, outside of writing this here list, I feel like I could have never thought about this movie again and been totally okay with it.

George: A Zombie Intervention Review

The Roommate

Naturally, I had very little in terms of expectations for a film such as The Roommate, and the fact that it couldn't even live up to those expectations says a whole lot about the quality of the film. Helmed by Danish filmmaker, Christian E. Christiansen, a clear gun for hire getting his big break in Hollywood in the worst of ways, The Roommate is certainly the type of film I will often get a kick out of when done right. I love me a hokey obsessed teen/young adult thriller as much as the rest of them. I love how over-the-top they can be; I love how predictable they usually are; and I love the sheer drama of it all. Unfortunately, The Roommate only delivers on one of those aspects, and that comes in the form of how predictable it is. And while I still found that to be marginally entertaining, there was nothing else there to enjoy. Where I think a film like this suffers the most is the lack of sleaze. The film is a little too safe and generic to be anything more than a high-budgeted Lifetime movie, which, in Lifetimes defense, usually delivers the goods on a much better level. The only real thing The Roommate has going for it is it's nice looking cast, specifically Minka Kelly. Though, it's a little hard to get into her too much knowing that she allowed both Derek Jeter and John Mayer to plunge their lame dicks inside of her. Seriously, honey, set some standards for yourself. Babes are a dime a dozen, and so aren't bad, unoriginal, unentertaining thriller with no balls.

Columbiana

Of all the new films I watched in 2011, I think the award for most unfulfilling has got to go to Columbiana. Directed by Olivier Megaton, Columbiana sucked a megaton of life force right out of me in a way that actually caused me to try and drown myself in my very own toilet. This Luc Besson scripted travesty not only suffers from unoriginality, which can be overlooked for the right reasons, it does not deliver on what it needed to most, the action. All of the actual fight and chase scenes are simply lackluster, unfocused and highly erratic. I saw nothing that I have not seen a million times before, in movies that I probably thought were mediocre at best. If you are trying to sell me on a pseudo-hokey action/revenge/assassin film, then at least give me some decent action scenes. At least Zoe Saldana is nice to look at, but she might even be too skinny for me, a guy who rarely criticizes women for being thin.

Welp, hope you enjoyed my list, or at least felt some sort of emotion about it. I honestly don't think anyone will give a shit about seeing any one film appear on this list except for maybe Insidious. In that case, I'm sure there are a few out there who are a tad pissed that it's on here, but it is what it is. Who knows what I will think about it in a year or so. Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 was on my scarce worst of 2009 list, and I sorta love that movie now. Really, I do.

Red State (2011): Get off My Lawn

2012-02-21T22:57:00.000-05:00

Over the past year or two, a slew of onetime Kevin Smith fans have been pouring out of the woodwork claiming they no longer appreciate the writer/director, some even going as far to say that they now hate him and everything he has done. While much of his post '90s work is sketchy at best, everything beforehand is note worthy for individual reasons, and I find it highly misguided that some would take away what Smith had done early on due to the gradual downfall in the quality of his films as his career has progressed and sanity deteriorated. I understand the fact that some have outgrown his brand of humor, and his films just don't speak to some people anymore, something that is a fair assessment for an aging/maturing film fan who grew up with Smith's movies. But to full on rain hate on the man and everything he has done seems like it's more about bandwagoning and one-upmanship than anything. It's become chic to dislike Kevin Smith, and that bothers me.

The reason I am yapping on about all of this is because I still consider myself a fan of Kevin Smith. I don't cherish him as I once did when I was younger (and often baked like a potato), and I have certainly outgrown him in many ways, but I still appreciate what he did for Independent film back when he burst onto the scene. I'm what you could consider a fair and balanced fan of his work, unclouded by fanboydom and not unjustly critical.

Enter Smith's latest film Red State (2011), an oddity in the director's repertoire due to its serious tone, subject matter and its lack of dick and fart jokes. Red State is Smith's attempt at making a film unlike anything he has done before and, coming off Cop Out, it comes at a time when he is probably at his lowest in terms of fan acceptance and critical discontent. Being fair and balanced about Smith, I look at Red State with an open mind and no unfair expectations.

Based on what I have heard and read about other movie fan's opinions of Red State, the film has received extremely mixed reviews, collectively leaning more towards the good side of the equation. I've read from some that Red State is one of the worst films they have ever seen, while others proclaim it to be one of the year's best genre offerings. For me personally, the fair and balanced guy, I cannot get behind either sentiment in the least.

You probably already know the basic plot, so I'll spare you the details for the sake of review length, but the quick rundown is Red State is sort of like if From Dusk Till Dawn met the opening to The Devils Rejects and the two moved to Waco, Texas for a nice little brunch with David Koresh. Now, as good as that sounds, it doesn't necessarily reflect upon Red State's quality as a film, but that's not to say it's a horrible movie, either.

Something that really stands out about Red State is its pacing. Smith picks his audience up and drives them right out of the gate, guns a blazing, and as soon as the film's three teen protagonists are introduced, they find themselves in some seriously deep shit. The quick cut-to-the-chase pace is something I really appreciate about the film's opening, but from there, Smith makes what could be looked at as a bold move by hitting the breaks on this breakneck pace, bringing the film to a complete and total halt. Smith takes this time to focus on developing a character and his beliefs by giving him a sermon that must last at least fifteen minutes long. I appreciate Smith taking such a chance by slowing things down as much as he did, giving Michael Parks character, Abin Cooper, plenty of time to deliver a sermon for the ages. It worked for me, but I'm not surprised in the least that it doesn't work for everyone. It's a bit alienating, but in a way, that is the point. Smith was trying to alienate viewers, trying to make them think - trying to make them angry. So, take that as you may.

Red State is very much about keeping the audience on its toes. Specific events occur, changing the plot's focus from out of nowhere and without much warning, and when you think the movie is going one way, it goes another. Now, while that works in the moment, it's hard not to look at Red State as being a bit too jumbled after the fact. It's two or three different movies that gel together in theory, but don't fit in a way that makes an interesting, cohesive story worth caring about past the film's final moments, let alone even the midway point. I was along for the ride for most of the movie, but by the film's end, I was simply left empty, like as if Red State left almost no real impression on me outside of having to start processing this overly long review.

While I believe that all films should be judged on their own merit, as opposed to a director's previous work, the departure from normal (aka flat-out comedy) for Kevin Smith with Red State is surely fascinating. He has tackled religion in the past (with much better results), but never has he been more serious than with Red State, and that is very much reflected on screen with how the film was crafted visually. Red State is most definitely Smith's best-looking film, or at least the most visual film he has done thus far. And, to his credit, it's well put together for someone who is not that type of director. With that said, it's all mostly standard fare, and if you've seen one gritty, low-budget, digitally shot film with a case of Parkinson's, you've pretty much seen them all.

Smith is clearly saying something with Red State (and, at times, saying a little too much), and some would rightfully claim he was being more than heavy-handed in his approach. Granted, there is nothing being said in Red State that hasn't been said before, but I feel as if Kevin Smith really felt the need to get this all off his chest, and he was being genuine and true to himself in doing so. That truly shows with just how drastically different the film is from any other he has ever done before. I don't think he was trying to prove anything to anyone; he wanted to make this film for himself, and I fully applaud the attempt, regardless of its many flaws.

My overall feelings about Red State perfectly reflect my overall feelings about Kevin Smith. There are things about the film I enjoyed, but there are so many issues to be found throughout. There is no sort of emotional impact whatsoever, and the amount of time spent explaining shit that didn't need to be explained was quite tedious, if not simply uninteresting. Both Smith and Red State are terminally confused in many ways, and it seems as if Smith has issues with expressing himself coherently, and that bleeds deeply into the final product. Red State is a movie that, unless it comes up in conversation, I will probably never think about again, and that's because it really didn't give me enough of a reason to.

Happy Harry Warden Day!

2012-02-14T01:34:00.001-05:00

As I sit Indian style in a field of golden wheat, bathed in the illuminous rays of the summer's sun (just go along with it), away I pluck at my six string, singing to you, Happy Valentine's Day!

CNAMB's Best Movies of 2011

2012-02-12T18:00:00.001-05:00

Now that we are already more than a month into 2012 (and more than a month closer to our demise, according to the Mayan calendar), and I've had a little more time to catch-up on a few titles, the wait to put together my list for the best movies of 2011 is over. In comparison to the previous two years where I put together a list such as this, 2011 seems to stand out as year where I was lucky enough to have watched a ton of great films. In fact, there were so many movies I loved that I actually had to do a lot of title shifting and a few marginally tough decisions had to be made And the final result is a massive list of fifteen films that make up my favorite films of 2011, with a ton of honorable mentions, to boot.

As always, my criteria for a movie to fall into a specific year is whether or not I am able to easily access it. If a film has seen a FULL theatrical release, a home video release or is out on VOD in 2011, then it's a 2011 movie to me. If I cannot easily access it by either of those means, then how the hell do I see it?! So stop judging me!

Anyway, it's time to get into this shit, yo, so here we go…

15. Meek's Cutoff

Kelly Reichardt's vastly understated Western sets its focus on a group of settlers trying to make their way from point A to point B. In between, and on the surface, not too much happens, but the undercurrent of fear driven masculinity and white alpha male dominance being squandered by a confidant female character and a man of color delivers a deep and powerful punch. Meek's Cutoff is a film where simplicity is grandiose, and this is further proven by the choice to go with a 4:3 aspect ratio, something that, initially, boggles the Western fan's mind. Even with a 4:3 ratio, there is an incredible amount of depth and scope provided by the impressively vast and gorgeous Christopher Blauvelt cinematography. Meek's Cutoff is certainly a film where snail-paced subtlety is a key component, but Reichardt's slow delivery never feels dull or drawn-out. In fact, the deliberate pace of the film has this tension that, in an odd way, comes from a lack of tension, if that makes sense.

14. The Innkeepers

Initially, Ti West's follow-up to House of the Devil had a secure spot in the honorable mentions section of this list; however, after allowing the film to stew in my system for the last month, the flavor left on my pallet seems to get better and better with each passing day. While I do not look at The Innkeepers as great horror film, I do look at it as a film where I was introduced to two characters, both of whom I sort of fell in love with. With fantastically quirky performances from both Sarah Paxton and Pat Healy, The Innkeepers stay has been strong do to their honest and refreshing character traits, integration in their environment and the relationship they share. Director Ti West constantly plays with genre conventions, and this time around he has creating a haunted house setting where the two main events of the film's climax make you wonder if there are any actual haunting, or is everything just the result of some overworked imaginations.

13. Warrior

While being a tad sappy, a bit predictable and a little too convenient, Gavin O'Connor's MMA infused sports film, Warrior, brings to life one of the most intense and emotionally powerful sports stories in recent memory. Warrior is able to take its viewer on a long journey where the destination is already known, but the trip is so well drafted that the arrival brings about a testosterone driven emotion that harkens back to the original Rocky. While O'Conner certainly knows how to pull as hard as he can on ye old heartstrings, Warrior is truly driven by not only an incredible performance by Tom Hardy but equally intense performances by both Joel Edgerton and Nick Nolte. In fact, I think it's a shame that neither Edgerton or Hardy('s shoulder muscles) weren't nominated for an Oscar, but I think we all know how credible the Academy is when it comes to Oscar nods and wins.

12. Attack the Block

Even though I wasn't quite as enamored with Joe Cornish's feature film debut, Attack the Block, as everyone else was this year, I still found it to be more than enjoyable enough to have it make my list for favorite films of 2011. While I believe the overall appeal for me with Attack the Block is simply how much fun it is, I really enjoyed seeing a film that actually took a page from the young teen movies of my youth. Of course, many would not believe a movie such as this, with its vulgarity and scenes of violence, is a bit too much for a younger teen audience. However, looking back to the films I grew up with - movies like The Outsiders or Stand by Me, for example - many were filled with these characteristics. Where Attack the Block stands above is the fact that there is a level of independent youth, but more importantly, with that independent youth comes character growth, and the final result is a group of teens who are vastly different people from beginning to end.

11. Hanna

It's always refreshing to see a well-respected director such as Joe Wright focus their cinematic brush towards what is, superficially, a genre film. Starring the charmingly ethereal Saoirse Ronan as the titular character, Hanna doesn't brush story and character depth to the side to focus solely on action, and the result is a pseudo-coming of age story that follows one specific character's journey to discover who she is and what she is meant to be. Now, even though Hanna doesn't quite kick the door open with guns-a-blazing as an action film, that's not to say that there aren't some incredible set pieces. In fact, there are a handful of fantastic action sequences on display in this film, all of which are masterfully puppeteered across gorgeous settings thanks to the carefully crafted camera work of Alwin Küchler (specifically the airport sequence!).

10. Dream Home

Pang Ho-Cheung's Dream Home delivered what most Slasher films dare not: a complex character, social commentary and a nonlinear story, and it all just so happens to be drenched in blood-soaked viscera. While some horror fans didn't like this mixture of commentary and over-the-top violence, I found it to be absolutely refreshing for the genre, more specifically, the Slasher genre. What stood out about Dream Home most, outside of the incredible death scenes, was the fact that the nicely integrated flashbacks played with the viewer's emotions. There are moments that made me feel true sympathy for Josie Ho's character, but as soon as I became invested in her character in such a way, the film jolted back to the present and reminded me that this isn't a woman who I should feel any sympathy for.

My Nightmarish Review of 'Dream Home'!

9. The Loved Ones

Written and directed by Sean Byrne, The Loved Ones is a great example of what can be achieved when a filmmaker has respect for his or her subject matter. This Australian, teen-themed hybrid of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Misery has two incredibly well thought out characters. The film's protagonist, played admirably by Xavier Samuel, is an angst ridden teen - as well as a victim of misguided jealousy - who actually commands sympathy from the viewer. In the same token, the film's antagonist, played with mindboggling brilliance by Robin McLeavy, is a vengeful character who doesn't necessarily fall into the tropes of your standard pathetic high school girl. As a result, this mix of pure terror, torture and Oreo-shit black comedy, combined with the well-written characters, makes this one of the best horror films of the year. The Loved Ones is actually a 2009 film (on IMDB) that still has not seen a release in the States, something that is a complete pile of travesty, if you ask me.

My Loving Review of 'The Loved Ones'!

8. Stake Land

After making a nice little splash with his feature film debut, the rock solid micro-budget Mulberry Street, co-writer/director Jim Mickle's vampire opus, Stake Land was most certainly blipping my radar for quite some time. Knowing that the guy who had such an odd but original take on the infection/pseudo-zombie genre was going to tackle vampires was attention drawing for someone who spent their childhood enamored by vampire films and the creatures that polluted them. And while Mickle's take on the vampire genre wasn't all that original, per say, and even if the road film approach wasn't anything I hadn't seen done in other genre films, per say, it was how he combined the two. It was the way he took the subject matter seriously that made Stake Land one of my favorite films of the year. With deep characters and some nicely groomed relationships, Stake Land had a few other big pluses to offer, with one being the awesome Nick Damici (who also served as co-writer on both Stake Land and Mulberry Street), and the other being the vampires who were nothing short of badass.

My Fangtastic Review of 'Stake Land'!

7. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

I generally am not one who pisses all over remakes; in fact, I almost kind of welcome them. With that said, there is one specific type of remake I do not welcome, and that is the dumbed down for American audiences - who don't go to the movies to read - remakes of foreign films that, more often than not, haven't even been released on home video yet (in the States, that is). It's a whole longwinded rant that I really need not get into as this is certainly not the time for it, but regardless, it's important to note that I dislike this Hollywood practice.

In any event, if you were to ever get me excited for a remake of a film such as the 2009 Swedish adaptation of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, you go ahead and attach a name like David Fincher to it. A dark, procedurally driven film directed by the guy who helmed not one but two dark, procedurally driven masterpieces with 2007's Zodiac and 1995's Se7en. Sounds like the perfect fit, and as it turns out, it was. While I loved the Niels Arden Oplev helmed Swedish take on this first chapter in the Millennium series, specifically the fantastic performance from Noomi Rapace, it lacked the cinematic touch that a director like Fincher is/was able to bring. Fincher's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is visually stunning and refined in a way that doesn't glance away from the more atrocious aspects of the story. To make an already too long story short, I enjoyed this version slightly better than the Swedish film, and I think it shows what can be created when the right, passionate filmmakers are attached to the right projects.

6. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

I never would have guessed a Harry Potter film would end up on my best of the year list. Then again, it's not as if I had ever seen any of the films in the same year they were released. My enjoyment of the Potter series was at a low simmer for many years. I enjoyed the first few films in the series, but for some odd reason, this past year, something with this series suddenly cliqued with me, and that simmer went into a full boil. I ended up catching up with both the Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows Part 1, all with the sole propose of seeing the final installment in theaters, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, the only Potter film I would see in a theatrical format.

What I was finding with the Harry Potter films is they were beginning to tap into my nostalgic side of thinking, and I began to view the series as it is: a nicely delegated amount of children's fantasy mixed with dark subject matter and imagery. As is the case with the best children's stories, the Potter series grew darker with each passing installment, until the double dose of utter despair found in the combined Deathly Hallows films. It's an incredible thing how this "children's" series just suddenly hit me in such a way, but the feelings I have for the Harry Potter series, story flaws and all, are deeply rooted in my own childhood innocence and love for fantastical horror, and my enjoyment is reflected as such.

5. Fish Tank

Propelled by a refreshingly raw and emotional performance from a young woman who had absolutely no acting experience beforehand, writer/director Andrea Arnold's Fish Tank is one of the purest examples of a coming of age story I have seen in some time. I absolutely adore a good coming of age tale, and Fish Tank's story of a young, rebellious teen living a significantly less than perfect life in the urban streets of London is about as good as it gets.

Rookie actress Katie Jarvis shines brightly playing the infectiously likeable and fascinating Mia, a girl who is looking to find her own purpose in the world. Mia's struggles come from living a difficult life, as she is trying to separate herself from her mother's absolute lack of maternal maturity, but her biggest struggle comes from being such a fiercely independent young woman. Mia is a bit of an immature brat at times, something that comes with her young age, but she is rebellious in a way that shows strength and determination. Mia's decision-making is far from refined, and as a result, she makes many mistakes, but she has no road map to follow, no guidance from those who would normally provide it. Mia is left to learn things for herself, thus giving her the opportunity to learn from her own mistakes on her own terms.

4. 13 Assassins

I, like many who share my specific genre film tastes, am a big fan of Takashi Miike's work. The prolific director has been behind a handful of my favorite genre pictures, but what he did with the Samurai epic, 13 Assassins, is something that defines the director's ability to transition from the Miike of old to the Miike of new. I think it's simply awesome to see a director take everything that defines his work - sadism, fetishism, extreme stylized violence – and integrate those themes in to a classically fashioned Samurai story. It's been quite a while since I have seen the film, so my memory has faded significantly, so I don't have much more to say about the film outside of simply stating that there is a reason 13 Assassins is at number 4 on my list, and in a way, that kind of speaks for itself.

3. Hobo With a Shotgun

Never in a million years did I expect to even remotely enjoy Jason Eisener's Hobo with a Shotgun. From the unpleasant style of the film (based off what I had seen in trailers and images) to the completely overdone grindhouse motif that is rarely ever correctly executed, everything about this film screamed for me to keep far far away. Still, even though I figured I would absolutely hate the movie, I sat down and watched it anyway, and in what may be the biggest cinematic surprises I have experienced in quite some time, I absolutely loved it. First off, while Hobo does take a page or two from the proto-Exploitation handbook, I found that the film has very little in common with many of its brethren.

Unlike most throwback films of late, Hobo with a Shotgun is less a '70s Exploitation film and more a pure '80s sleaze-fest, and despite the fact that the movie is extremely over-the-top, I found many of its outlandish characteristics to feel more organic than most other films. Where Hobo stands out most is the often-applauded performance by Rutger Hauer, however, the gorgeously gaudy neon color pallet that Eisener employs gives the film an incredibly distinct otherworldly feeling. It's both Hauer's performance and the film's garish style that combine with its wonderfully absurd storyline that make this film standout from the pack, and as a result, Hobo with a Shotgun feels less like a throwback and more like its own film.

2. Drive

Over the past few years, director Nicolas Winding Refn has slowly risen towards the top of the food chain as far as being one of my favorite directors goes. With that said, anything the man is attached to certainly piques my interest at a very high level, and none more than Drive. In fact, Drive was easily my most anticipated film of 2011, and thankfully, I was not at all letdown. As per usual, Refn doesn't give audiences what they would typically expect from a genre picture. This is something he has done with most every film he has directed, and this tradition continues with the story of a stunt driver who, essentially, falls for the wrong girl.

Nicolas Winding Refn delivers incredible attention to detail as well as incredible attention to tension, and the lack of over-the-top car chases and false machismo give the film a lot more to stand on than your typical popcorn bullshit. And yet, when the stakes are high and the pace is kicked into next gear, Refn shows just how well he can construct a scene of pure adrenaline, and all without an ounce of it feeling phony or trite. From the cool as ice soundtrack and the noir-ish LA backdrop to the unconventional performance by Ryan Gosling, Drive is a genre picture that is as hip as it gets, but it never feels like it's trying to be too cool for school.

1. Biutiful

For some reason, I almost find it difficult to properly put into words why I love this film so much. Seeing it only once is certainly not enough to allow me to fully realize all of my thoughts, but I do know this, Alejandro González Iñárritu's Biutiful is one of the most incredibly moving films I have seen since Children of Men. And if you know me well enough, you should know the esteem in which I hold Children of Men. As a piece of cinema, Biutiful is simply brilliant, on every level, but what really makes this film what it is, more than anything, is the emotionally charged performance by Javier Bardem.

After seeing Bardem in 2007's No Country for Old Men, I knew he was a fantastic actor, one who certainly deserved the Oscar win for his maniacal portrayal of Anton Chigurh. However, I had let Bardem slip from my consciences as an actor, almost forgetting how good he was capable of being. Seeing him in Biutiful did more than reaffirm the actor as a performer who could put forth a fantastic performance, it showed me that he is, without a doubt, one of the best actors working today. There is something about Bardem that goes beyond typical acting skills, and that something is easily defined as his overall presence, specifically his face. Javier Bardem might have one of the most expressive and interesting faces the screen has ever been graced with. His eyes alone, filled with an incredibly sympathetic poignancy, tell a million and one stories without the actor having to even bat a lash. And each one of those stories feels as if it's told through his eyes in Biutiful.

Special Honorable Mention

The Ides of March

Unfortunately, I caught the George Clooney directed political thriller, The Ides of March, just after I had started writing this post out, and once I begin to actually type it out, I do not like to make any changes. With that said, had Ides made it into my player beforehand, it very easily would have been in my top ten, possibly taking the number six or seven spot. This is technically an honorable mention, so I don't want to get into it too much; however, The Ides of March is a fantastically written and acted film that goes in directions that I, for once, did not foresee. A wonderful film that every cinema fan should check out.

Not Good Enough to Make a List, but Boy Did I Really Like 'em!

Red Hill * Paranormal Activity 3 * All the Boys Love Mandy Lane * Moneyball * Conan O'Brien Can't Stop * I Saw the Devil * Marwencol * The Silent House * X-Men First Class * The Man From Nowhere * Clash (Bay Rong) * Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale * Black Death * Machete Maidens Unleashed * All God's Creatures * Ip Man 2 * Troll Hunter * Rise of the Planet of the Apes * Skew * Tucker and Dale VS. Evil

Okay, that's it… I really hope you enjoyed my longer than it needed to be list of my favorite films of 2011. I hope you take a moment to share both your thoughts as well as what films you loved from the year that brought us the Forever Lazy.

Fly Like Paper: Mephisto's Castle's Sinister Spotlight Featuring ME!

2012-02-04T23:38:00.001-05:00

A few months back, the always-magnificent Jose of Mephisto's Castle asked if I would join him in a powerlifting tournament sponsored by Gatorade and Molson Golden, which I naturally accepted. Unfortunately, that was before I hurt my back trying to learn how to do a proper Buffalo Stance, leaving me laid up and out of commish for six to eight weeks. As a result, Jose became very sad and he did a lot of uncontrollable crying and nose blowing, but then it came to him: instead of having me be his partner in the powerlifting tournament sponsored by Gatorade and Molson Golden, he could invite me to be a guest host for his Sinister Spotlight podcast! And guess what? He did, and I said yes!

Jose asked me to pick a movie for us to talk about, and the film I chose was none other than the 1986 Cronenberg masterpiece, The Fly, a film I absolutely, positively adore. Outside of some minor microphone issues on my end - which take away from my hysterical jokes - the conversation was nothing short of wonderful. Jose and I dug deep and dissected The Fly in a way that only Geena Davis was ever able to, and if you are even remotely a fan of the film, I implore you to take the time to listen to us babble on like Babylon?

The Hide (2008): Hidden Agenda

2012-01-30T23:44:00.001-05:00

Based on the Tim Whitnall stage play The Sociable Plover, 2008's The Hide was brought to life by first time director Marek Losey. Staring Alex MacQueen and Phil Campbell, this UK production is set in one very small location and features only two characters, Roy (MacQueen) and Dave (Campbell), two people who, outside of these very specific circumstances, would never encounter one another in a million years.

When first introduced to Roy, he is presented as a straight laced, intelligent middle-aged man who loves nothing more than spending time in a secluded seaside shack (a "hide," if you will), watching and documenting the various species of birds he encounters. Roy's bird watching routine would seem to be precise and consistent, with the only excitement being the immense thrill he gets from spending time doing something he loves dearly. That is until the day a stranger named Dave shows up to take refuge from a vicious storm that has plagued the area. Unlike Roy, Dave is young and appears to be a lot more street savvy; in fact, he even comes off as potentially dangerous.

Despite their differing personalities, Roy and Dave find themselves getting along fairly well, sharing bits of personal information and beliefs that, at times, go far beyond the usual chitchat. Throughout their frequent and brilliantly written conversations, there is a line of cordiality that both men walk when conversing with one another. There are times where Roy and Dave's differing personalities are expressed in a more drastic fashion, causing the men to get a little agitated with one another. Nevertheless, the honesty creates a stronger bound, as well as being something that is quite satisfying to watch as a viewer.

The odd couple relationship forming between Roy and Dave stalls out when it's learned that the police are searching the area, looking for a dangerous white male wanted for murder. This revelation alarms Roy, setting about a slow falling domino effect of unease and tension that builds between the two characters up until the film's smart, but a little easy for me to spot, twist conclusion.

The Hide was lensed during the months of November and December on location on the Isle of Sheppey, and the result is a setting that exudes sweltering atmosphere in a deliciously gloomy way. Filled with overcasting rain clouds that shadow the scenery in dread, the location emits with the sounds of surrounding birds singing their own brand of ambience, making this a truly gorgeous setting for a film where scale takes a backseat to tone and detail.

It might be difficult for many to enjoy, or even want to watch, a film that takes place in one, very cramped, location that features no more than two characters who basically spend a majority of their time talking. It can be a lot to ask of an audience, but The Hide takes what is a stripped down story and fills it up with a great premise, interesting dialogue and a truly magnificent backdrop for the actors to give their fantastic performances in front of.

My only real issue with The Hide is the fact that I watched the film via a screener that looked like complete shit, something that is not at all the film's fault, naturally. Not only did my copy have some "property off…" bullshit polluting the screen for the entirety of the film (something I can deal with), the quality of the screener is grossly degrading to what was meticulously put on screen by director Marek Losey (something I find unacceptable). I would normally never make comment on such a secluded issue as a screener's quality, but it's as unfortunate as it is obnoxious seeing such a fine film in such a fashion. Regardless, this quip is a nonissue for anyone who would rent or buy The Hide, and knowing just how much better the film could look in a proper release, I would certainly love to take another plunge into this fantastically low-key, character driven thriller.

Rage (2010): Karma's a Bitch

2012-01-26T19:02:00.001-05:00

Written and directed by Chris Witherspoon, Rage (2010) is a film that shows, in explicit detail, just how far someone will go for the sake of petty revenge. The $100,000 independent feature plays as two parts paranoid thriller and one part Slasher film, following a day (from hell) in the life of a man named Dennis (Rick Crawford). Dennis, who is happily married, or so it seems, has come to a point in his life where he only really thinks about one person: himself. Dennis has become so preoccupied with himself that he has completely allowed his better judgment fall by the wayside, and the once happily married man has found himself having an elicit affair with another woman.

Throughout the film, it's made quite clear that his wife is nothing short of wonderful, supportive and loving, something that makes it all the more apparent that Dennis is simply feeding his own selfish needs. This is further proven when Dennis breaks things off with the woman he's been seeing. Dennis has been stringing along his mistress in a whirlwind romance, only to dump her because he now suffers from a guilty conscience over what he has been doing behind his wife's back. While Dennis is trying to wipe his slate clean, his selfish ways have blinded him to the potential dangers that surround him. Soon after what seems to be a random encounter with a biker decked out in all black, Dennis finds himself being stalked by the stranger, whose advances become increasingly violent, until things go well beyond anything Dennis could have ever imagined.

While the encounter is random at first thought, the woman who Dennis was having an affair with has an ex-boyfriend who is not only incredibly jealous, he was just released from prison. Is the biker who's been stalking Dennis her ex-boyfriend, or is it someone else altogether? Regardless of the answer, Dennis is forced to own up to his disrespectfully selfish ways in a fashion that no man could ever be prepared for.

At first glance, Rage is a movie that seems to have an identity complex on the surface, but in retrospect, the overall film gels together due to Dennis' character flaw driven plot. As I sat back and watched the film, I was a little confused at times as to what the movie was trying to be and where it was going, but there is a clear destination followed, which would be revealed to me upon deeper thought. As a result, the film that I found to be just okay, I now find to be much more enjoyable and possibly even worthy of a rewatch just to see how it plays out a second time around.

For a movie that costs only a $100,000 to make, Rage shows signs of a strong technical presence. There're moments where it feels and looks almost like a Hollywood made feature with a lot of skill brought to the table technically; however, there are moments where the independent feature flaws show up, things like cheap fade-ins and outs, for example. Regardless, as a whole, Rage is a well put together feature, with varied stylistic choices that seem to go hand in hand with what is unfolding on screen.

As far as the performances go, most of the acting is passable, but there's nothing too outstanding. Though, there is some lackluster and somewhat mellow dramatic dialogue to be found during certain moments in the film, something that I think hinders the impact of the performances at times. I would say the best performance does come from the silent stalker himself, the mysterious biker (who is actually played by the film's director), who, outside of a few minor cheesy hand acting moments, is an effectively intimidating presence in the film.

Overall, Rage is an interesting, if not slightly flawed, cautionary tale that should payoff for many fans of low-budget/independent horror cinema. The film often feels like a rollercoaster ride for the character and viewer alike, and while there are times where things get a little bumpy, the overall ride is satisfying enough to get back on again for another go around.

If you want to find out more about Chris Witherspoon's Rage, you can pop your head in over at the film's official site which I have conveniently highlighted just for you.

Skew (2011): A Skewed View to a Kill

2012-01-22T00:19:00.001-05:00

Following one of the hottest trends within the independent horror genre, 2011's Skew is yet another found footage horror film that has found its way into my arms. At this point, I have seen so many found footage/handheld films, specifically from independent filmmakers, that I'm almost taken aback whenever a new one is announced. It's a subgenre that is fast becoming oversaturated (or already has, to many horror fans), and is now receiving the backlash that is sure to come with any subgenre that all but completely takes over the horror scene. For me, well, I've said it many times in the past, I've had great luck with the handheld genre, and as overbearing as it's become, I flat out love it, plain and simple. And thankfully, Skew does nothing but keep that love intact.

Now, maybe blowing my proverbial load in the first paragraph of a review is a bad idea, but hey, if you're already here and reading this, hopefully you'll be curious as to why I enjoyed the film.

Written and directed by Sevé Schelenz, Skew is, on the surface, your standard road trip story, focusing on a group of friends, Simon, Richard and Eva (played by Rob Scattergood, Richard Harrison and Amber Lewis, respectively), who are on their way to a wedding. It isn't too long before strange things begin to happen to the film's videographer, Simon, as many of the people he encounters on their road trip appear to have a contorted face - a Skewed face, if you will. As the film progresses, it is revealed that all three of the characters have some serious issues with one another, and things are only compounded by the twisted visions that Simon is subjected to.

Naturally, there is more to the story as far as the horror elements go, and the same can be said for the depth of the characters tumultuous relationship, but Skew is a great film to watch knowing very little beforehand. With that said, I would rather not get into too many story details in the event you might seek this film out for yourself. What I will do is applaud Schelenz for creating some incredibly deep and layered characters. The dialogue and character development found in Skew is significantly refreshing for a film with such a low budget, and better yet, the actors all bring solid, believable performances to the table.

As a horror movie, the scary elements of Skew start off fairly early and continue in a nice even pace throughout the entire film and up until its conclusion. There is no long, drawn-out wait for the action to get going (which is the case with some handheld movies), and the film effectively uses some nicely timed and perfectly setup jump scares, a few of which that totally caught me off guard.

Something else that really plays into both the film's overall creep factor and character development is the camera work. There is some interesting work done cinematically, as the videographer, Simon, captures his friends in ways that are somewhat creepy and off putting. Simon will use his camera to simply stare at a character for long periods of time, sometimes unbeknownst to them. Even in mid-conversation, Simon will just go in real close and linger for a minute… all the while, the character is completely clueless that Simon is cinematically analyzing them. It's very stalker like and incredibly disturbing, adding a different level to the horror beyond the lurid visions that Simon suffers from.

The only place where Skew shows any weakness is in its budget, something that only translates to a few specific scenes. Some of them are scenes in which the characters are clearly dubbed into the film, with background conversations happening over footage that was obviously shot at another time in another place. Also, some of the special effects are extremely hindered by the budget; however, they go with it and don't try to shy away from what they are capable of simply because they are limited. In addition, after seeing the effect enough times, more specifically the blurry face, it does become effective enough to convey what is necessary.

Naturally, I do not in any way, shape or form, hold these specific issues against either the film or those behind it. You gotta do what you gotta do when making a low-budget film, and despite the fact that Skew does suffer from some budgetary restraints, it is quite clever and still works as an effective, marginally original found footage horror film. Maybe it's the kid in me who attaches to the genre so greatly, but I think the simplicity and stripped down nature of found footage horror simply works for me on a weird nostalgic level. I love inexpensive, homemade horror films, shot on video horror and anything else that falls in line with that style. Always have and always will, I assume, and for the time being, the genre has not quite hit the skids for me with independent films as solid as Skew being made.

Unlike many of the indie horror movies I review here, Skew is actually readily available to watch streaming on Netflix as we speak. Not that we're speaking, but I digress… if you are indeed a fan of the genre, then I highly recommend giving this low-budget gem a looksie.

MPAA Gives Ridley Scott's Prometheus an NC-17?!

2012-01-18T17:30:00.001-05:00

George: A ZZZZZZombie Intervention (2011)

2012-01-15T23:11:00.001-05:00

What is essentially a pairing of A&E's Emmy award winning series, Intervention (which usually finds a way to make me feel somewhat better about my addiction to Charleston Chew candy bars) and the zombie subgenre, George: A Zombie Intervention (2011) takes two overplayed genre conventions, zombies and humor, and injects them with a fresh idea that doesn't necessarily equal a winning combination.

The premise is fairly simple, showcasing zombies as people who are, as per usual, dead and enjoy the sweet, succulent taste of human flesh. However, they are also able to function as normal human beings and are accepted members of society, but there is the rare occurrence of a zombie going on a human flesh binge, which is the case with this film's titular character, George. Seeing his problem as a form of addiction, George's friends get together to intervene, giving him the ultimatum of going to rehab or losing them as friends. As you would see in any given episode of Intervention, George doesn't believe he has an eating humans problem and becomes standoffish to the idea of rehab. However, as the night grows long and more people begin to show up - and even more begin to mysteriously die - George must eventually face his demons.

The zombie subgenre, or, more specifically the zombie/comedy subgenre, has become so over saturated that there is barely even the smallest sign of a fresh idea in what is produced nowadays. Naturally, there are still a few that shine through; films that are able to take a tired genre staple, inject a fresh idea into it and deliver something fun and refreshing, even in an overly submerged market. Director J.T. Seaton, who co-wrote the film with Brad Hodson, had what was initially a great idea, but it's how that idea was executed that holds George: A Zombie Intervention (aka George's Intervention) back.

Where George: A Zombie Intervention falls flat is in how unnecessarily over-the-top silly it tries to be, which results in the film feeling like an overlong comedy skit that simply overstays its welcome. The concept is already funny, but to go so overboard takes away from the humor that comes naturally from the initial idea. A perfect film that I could compare George to is 2006's Fido, a zombie film with a hysterical concept but a subtle, stick to your guns execution. The humor in Fido was tongue in cheek, subdued and sharp, and it is those aspects that made that film a joy to watch. George: A Zombie Intervention pushes the matter too far and it affects the film's overall appeal. There are some very funny moments, but most of the more successful comedic moments come from subtlety as opposed to the times when full-on humor was being attempted. The comedic tonal changes and ideas are confused and tedious, leaving the film to be scatterbrained and, more importantly, left this viewer with a slightly bored taste in his mouth.

Regardless of the film's major comedic flaw, George: A Zombie Intervention is not a terrible movie in regards to the filmmaking and acting. For a low-budget movie, the film looks good enough quality wise. Most of the performances are decent, with Carlos Larkin given the standout performance as George. It was also nice to see genre actress Lynn Lowry (I Drink Your Blood, The Crazies) in the film, as she does a commendable comedic job playing a half-assed interventionist hired to help George with his problem. In addition, the budget make-up effects are very good and the film does deliver a few fun gore moments that should be best appreciated by genre fans of my generation.

I wish I had more positive things to say about this film, but so much of it hinges on the humor. Sadly, much of the humor simply did not work for me. I am incredibly picky (and cynical) when it comes to my comedy, and I generally do not find much of what the mainstream considers to be funny all that humorous, so maybe the humor might work for you. I wouldn't want to necessarily discourage people from giving George: A Zombie Intervention a shot because it's not a terrible film, I just didn't find it to be a very funny one.

Salute Your Shorts: The Code (2011)

2012-01-13T23:17:00.001-05:00

Directed by Mark Blitch, The Code is a horror comedy short film that was specifically created to compete in the 2011 Splatterfest Festival in Houston, TX where it went on to win an impressive 11 awards. Written by Jason Walter Vaile and Alan Tregoning and featuring Tamara Voss, Taylor Brandt and Todd Terry, the just under 6 minute short is a look at the importance of communication in an internet savvy world.

Outside of telling you I think The Code features a funny idea that is well executed (especially in the first half), reviewing a horror comedy such as this would be somewhat pointless. I wouldn't want to simply repeat jokes I think are funny, though, I will mention that Chad's laugh is pure gold.

It's good stuff, so take a break from your hard partying and have good laugh!

The Commune (2009): Daddy's Girl

2012-01-08T22:28:00.001-05:00

Written, produced and directed by Elisabeth Fies, The Commune (2009) is an independent thriller that follows the exploits of a young teen named Jenny, who is staying at her deadbeat dad's commune for the summer. Jenny harbors much negativity for her father (played by Stuart G. Bennett) as he abandoned her and her mother both emotionally and financially to live a carefree life as the leader of a New Age cult. However, after all these years, he now wants to rekindle his relationship with his angst-filled daughter, but his reasoning for doing so might be more sinister than simply wanting redemption for his past parental neglect.

While The Commune doesn't necessarily come right out and tell you where the film will go on a thriller level, you will have a good idea as to where things could end up simply due to that delicate line between free loving hippies and full on delusional cult psychos. Now, while there is a twist that actually caught me by surprise, and in a good way, the film is not so much focused on forcing the thriller angle down its viewer's throat as it is on projecting the difficulties of a teenage girl going through the motions of becoming a woman.

The viewer is privy to a first hand look at Jenny dealing with her daddy issues as well as her budding sexuality. She is fiercely independent, something which is clearly attributed to her mother's upbringing, but her independence is heavily challenged within the ironically confined commune setting she is now begrudgingly living in. Which is something that is kind of interesting, actually, as the people within the commune speak of freedom from religious oppression, openness and the ability to express one's self, yet Jenny is constantly judged for being who she is while also not given the privacy she, a 16-year-old girl, desires. Jenny is portrayed by Chauntal Lewis, a strikingly gorgeous actress who is uncannily reminiscent of a young Jordan Ladd (who I adore). Lewis has an immediate screen presence about her and plays the role of Jenny well enough. She is clearly not playing to her actual age, but at certain moments, she does an admirable job capturing the rebellious innocence of a teenage girl hurdling down the highway of adulthood.

While The Commune plays more to the character growth and development of Jenny than it does the thriller aspect, something which is mostly refreshing and honest, it is also that aspect of the film that suffers from its only real issue. There are a few moments in the second half of the movie where things crawl at a pace only a tortoise could appreciate. These specific moments are a result of extended scenes between Jenny and her budding relationship with a local stud named Puck (David Lago), who thankfully keeps his fingers out of the peanut butter. The overall romantic story thread between Jenny and Puck is not at all boring unto itself, and the entire relationship is very important to Jenny's character arc, but some of their scenes just go on a tad too long. And maybe that's the guy in me who says that (why's there a guy in me? Gross!!), but I think it more or less comes from someone watching a thriller, to be fair.

As mentioned, the story and female character development are something worth strong compliment from me, but where The Commune shines brightest is in the surprising visual prowess of the film as a whole. For a low-budget feature, The Commune looks very clean and is nicely shot with a level of high quality rarely found in an independent horror film. Adding another layer to the visual stamina of the film is a visually fulfilling spectrum of colors that runs across the screen, with a vibrant color palate that is overly bold and exotic, giving a false sense of ease meant to mask the true intentions of those who surround Jenny. A lot of this can be attributed to the amazingly picturesque location (the film was shot at Isis Oasis, a retreat center and ocelot wildlife preserve in Geyserville, California), but there was clearly attention paid to the cohesiveness of the location, specific character wardrobes and set dressings as well as lighting techniques used.

In many ways, The Commune is really a coming of age tale with a thread of thriller laced throughout and a splash of quirkiness thrown in for good measure. If you are one who has little interest or desire to watch a film which sheds light on a young girl's discovery of who she really is, in more ways than one, then The Commune might not work for you. For me, it's something I can appreciate on a number of levels. I truly enjoyed the character driven approach to what results in a fairly creepy, low-key, paranoid thriller as well as the impressive technical demeanor that was shown from someone who was essentially a first time feature filmmaker in Elisabeth Fies.

You can pick up The Commune on DVD for super cheap on the film's official website, where you can also read more about the movie, check out some other reviews and all sorts of good stuff.

The Death of Death-cember and Other Random Crap

2012-01-05T20:34:00.001-05:00

For the time being, the holiday season has completely made its exit from our current existence, and with that comes the end of Death-cember. Death-cember, a month where I was far from prepared to do anything whatsoever, turned out to be decent enough, all things considered. I'm happy with the posts I got up, especially with how damn busy my life was for most of the month, and Death-cember surprisingly brought about what would be the busiest month, traffic wise, CNAMB has ever seen! And for that, I have to thank you peeps out there in internetland.

Anyway, on to a new year, and with 2012 all up in our guts, I look forward to growing as a writer and making this blog the best I can make it. I have a pretty awesome new monthly segment that I actually started working on about seven or eight months ago, but just never got around to posting any of the individual posts ('cause I'm weird like that). Also, since 2011 has gone done past us up, I have begun to work on my best of '11 movie list, but I won't really do anything with that until the end of the month so I can have the chance to catch up with a few more flicks. Though, I do have quite the girthy list already. As for this month, I want to try to get a bunch of screeners and other shit out of the way, so I might make low-budget/independent horror my focus for January. And as for right now, I think I'll spend a little after holiday quality time with me wife and the Christmas lingerie I bought for her.

Somebody's getting their stocking filled all the way up this year.

Hope everyone had a great New Year, and I will see you in the DangerZone!^*

*_{Not Sure what the DangerZone is, but it sounded like a pretty sick thing to say at the time.}

Holiday in Handcuffs (2007): Sleighed by the Bell

2011-12-31T00:55:00.001-05:00

I can only imagine that there are less than a few of my readers who would actually watch a movie like 2007's Holiday in Handcuffs. An ABC Family Christmas movie staring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez does not make up the type of cinema of those who normally frequent Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, but I do know there are a select few out there whose love for bad cinema isn't solely relegated to horror and action films. There is a certain level of bad taste that one must possess to get on board and actually watch a movie like Holiday in Handcuffs, and I think the entertainment value comes from how silly and utterly ridiculous mainstream, feel-good movies can be. Like, in a way, when you laugh at a film such as this, to the point of enjoyment, it's almost as if you're laughing at what normal people actually find entertaining. It's like laughing at country music in front of people who like it.

Written by Sara Endsley and Directed by Ron "Tremors" Underwood, Holiday in Handcuffs follows the tale of an artist named Trudie (Melissa Joan Shart) whose Christmas is not going as holly and jolly as she'd like. From a botched job interview to Mr. Perfect dumping her the day before he is supposed to meet her equally perfect parents on Christmas Eve, Trudie, being the outcast of the family (aka the artist), is fearful of the prospect of once again being looked at as the family loser. But ya know, she is, so she really should just roll with the punches at this point.

Anyway, in an act of desperation, Trudie uses this antique gun displayed at her restaurant job and takes a random guy hostage with the thought that she can force him to act as her Mr. Perfect and keep her parents off her back. And guess who her Mr. Perfect replacement is? No, not Danny Trejo… it's Mario Lopez, of course. However, I think we all know the real Mr. Perfect is Zach Morris, but I guess his salary wasn't in the budget. Conquering Kelly Kapowski demands the big bucks.

So there you have it, Trudie takes Lopez hostage, forces him to act as her beau and completely believable hijinks ensue. From convincing her parents that David has a social quirk that causes him to act as if he's been kidnapped, to an impossible chance where love is so blind that it transcends being taken hostage at gunpoint.

This being an ABC Family Christmas movie staring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez, Holiday in Handcuffs is mildly entertaining at best and can only be relegated to those who like televised parades and minivans. Or someone like me, but I digress. Much of the fun I have watching a film like HIH (that's short for Holiday in Handcuffs) is predicting every little thing that will happen before the film even begins, only to be right almost every time. However, I also had a blast watching Joan Hart, or Hart, or whatever, constantly make these faces as if she just shot up some incredible black tar heroin. Like, I thought I was watching Intervention: The Movie for a second.

Something else I found to be pickle tickle worthy is witnessing Mario Lopez trying is damnedest not to be A.C. Slater. I mean, this guy is only three preppies, a momma and a backwards chair away from being full-on Slater. The guy cannot fight it, no matter how much relaxer he puts in his hair.

Since I already feel like I'm running out of shit to say about this film, I suppose I can take a minute to mention the rest of the cast, which is surprisingly pretty solid. The ever lovely Markie Post plays Trudie's mom; Tim Bottoms shaves his BUSH to play her dad, while June Lockhart does her best "I'm a sassy but kind of unaware about it in a way that is simply hysterical" performance as Trudie's grandma. Oh, and mom, dad and grandma are their character names, just so you know.

Besides mentioning the cast outside of team Lopez/Hart, or Joan Hart, or whatever, and the fact that the cabin setting is off the hook dope, there's not much else I can drudge out of myself to say about this one. Depending on your specific tastes in cinema, there is a good chance that you may find Holiday in Handcuffs to be the feel good movie of 2007. Too bad it's 2011.

CNAMB Presents: Presents!

2011-12-29T16:11:00.001-05:00

What Death-cember would be complete without a post where I show-off the Christmas goods that I received, while completely ignoring the true meaning of the holiday in a completely selfish and childish way? So here we are, only a few days after Christmas, and - despite the fact that there was not even one flake of snow to be found and the sun was shinning strong like my chest after an intense aerobics class - it was quite the wonderful Christmas celebration indeed. Of course, the fact that the overall holiday was very satisfying and fun on all fronts, the main factor for success is certainly do to all the awesome gifts I got! How selfish?!

For this holiday season's edition of Presents, I went and saved myself the headache of having to spend an hour and a half typing, instead opting for the much elongated six hour headache of trying to make a video post with a shitty phone camera and cumbersome editing software. Soon enough I'll be able to use my actual video camera (it's a long story), and poorly synched videos littered with horrendous image quality will be a thing of the past.

Anyway, why am I typing when I already did the video? Go ahead… press play, enjoy and be sure to share the awesome gifts you received in the comments section!

………………..………………

Great Gift Ideas For: Robocop

2011-12-23T23:57:00.001-05:00

Christmas shopping can be quite the task for many of us, especially when it comes to picking out the perfect gifts for those who we love and care about the most. While it's tough searching out the perfect holiday gift for your aunt Janice, whose main interests are cat hair and cigarette butts, no one is more difficult to shop for than your local Robocop. I mean, what exactly are his hobbies? What is Robocop passionate about? What is it exactly that you could purchase that would force Murphy's gun to pop out of his leg with a joyful glee? Well, I went ahead and came up with a few great gift ideas that you can use while out making moves for the Robocop in your life.

A new chick - Seeing as Murphy spends much of his time moping about, daydreaming of a past relationship that is long gone, a great gift idea for him would be a gift card to match.com. I mean, who wants a bummed out Robocop around? Not me, and the only way to get his mind off that old dime piece of his is to get his oil squirting again.
A hat - Because Robo's head is wicked off-putting, and it doesn't take much to cover that thing up. I understand he is going for the whole "I'm still a human being with emotions and feelings" look, but when it comes down to it, your head is a total gross-out, bro.
A bottle of stainless steel cleaner and polish - Working the streets of Detroit can take one heck of a toll on a stainless steel bod. And using a stainless steel cleaning/polishing product will not only clean Robocop right proper, it will also give him that freshly brought to life look he had when he first opened his eyes and focused on that pen.
A pair of middle fingerless gloves - In the event that he must extract important information, or just flip someone the metallic bird, a pair of middle fingerless gloves would be a nice way to keep Murph's hands warm without cramping his style.
Christmas shoes - Something that has always plagued Robocop is the fact that every year when he shows up to church for Christmas mass, there is never a time where he isn't totally embarrassed by the incredible sounds his steel boots make as he strolls into god's amphitheater. A nice new pair of Christmas Shoes, tailor made to fit his specific arches, is the perfect gift to help Murphy with this problem, while also giving him a true sense of style and pizazz. Of course, no pair of Christmas Shoes would be complete without a copy of NewSong's classic Christmas shoe song, The Christmas Shoes. Suddenly, Robo's got a whole new attitude when he's walking down the aisle, ready to take that communion without any fear of standing out in front of the rest of the churchgoers.

Hopefully some of these gift ideas help inspire you to bring joy to the Robocop in your life, while also bringing joy to the world, because a happy Robocop is a hard working Robocop, right?! ED 209 best watch his non-Christian ass.

All I Want For Christmas…

2011-12-22T16:44:00.001-05:00

…is for The Raid to get its bad ass out and into a theater where I can see it, stat!

Also, how about Nicolas Winding Refn's Drive on DVD/BD for crying out loud? In this day in age, a four month wait for a home video release is like an eternity, especially for a film of this caliber!

Lastly, I would absolutely love it if Garry Marshall stopped making movies.