Chuck's Ruminations

Steve Wants My Help

2016-06-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hi it is me Steve the Cat.

In this picture I am leaning against Chuck and usually I would not be near him but he said he would help take my picture.

He never takes me outside or plays with me like my Momma does.

He really should shower more often or use a better underarm deodorant.

I hope you all had a good evening.

I did.

Chuck and my Momma went to sleep early and Sparky and I had the house to ourselves.

That is always fun.

I will not say what we get up to because he will see this and probably install a web cam.

I will tell you that one of these days I fully expect Sparky will groom me.

The interloper Boots is still hanging around the back yard.

I know now that he is a he. Yesterday I saw him pee on the tire of the car across the street. He was not ladylike.

The other day Momma and Chuck watched the Minion movie which was a perfect choice for him.

The Minions do not speak English and he can't hear dialog anyway.

Matter of fact, he can't hear much. He says, "What?" a lot.

I watched him Swiffer the floor this morning. I wish he would not do that. I took a lot of time putting small play items just where I want them and then he moves them all.

When I have the energy and feel like it I bat things around with my front feet and chase them.

I have a tinfoil ball and nip mouse.

I like my nip mouse.

Now he is going outside to 'do some gardening.' I saw him getting tools and putting on his gloves.

All he will do is scare the birds.

Until next time, I'm Steve the Cat.

I eat, I sleep, I poop in a box.

Oh, and I am supposed to be on a diet.

A Confession of Sorts

2016-04-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

Many of you know I have been dealing with health issues, writing has been difficult. That being said, things are improving.

I'm addicted to Facebook.

I enjoy keeping in touch with people, connected.

But I'm concerned.

It is only a hobby and the doctor told me I should have one.

Hobby: an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation.

I'm not a philatelist, a gardener, or a bird watcher.

Not one of my politically motivated friends will change my beliefs but I read much of what they say. Not one of my recipe enlightened friends will convince me to try the 'Super Easy Twisty Cheesy Pizza' but I look at the pictures. I admit a fascination with Ancestry.com but will never join. At this stage of the game I don't want confirmation Irving wasn't my real father.

So I look and I post and I check to see what my friends are doing and I spend time and I relax doing it. Isn't that the definition of a hobby?

But I also worry.

I try to post twice a day. Usually in the guise of Steve the Cat. So, why do I worry? Because Steve has a number of folks who enjoy his antics on a regular basis and when one is absent for a few days I think bad things.

Something happened to them, or worse, they no longer care.

And it just may be they are busy and that would be good.

So in order to expand my hobby I started posting in two cat groups. I don't know these people but we all have something in common, cats. I try to find interesting pictures of Steve and add funny comments. It's something to do, I like it, Steve likes it and we get to spend quality time together.

But the longer I am involved the more I am realizing cyber space is FILLED with cats. They're everywhere. When I started I wanted Steve to be special, therefore I would be too. Now I realize he is. He always will be.

Yesterday I watched a video made by a young woman reporter. She apologized to the older generation. She spoke of her peers and how so many were self absorbed, entitled, Kardashian loving twits with no manners. She talked about how 'they' should be grateful and caring and concerned more with developing meaningful actual relationships rather than ones on Facebook.

An hour later I saw this:

This was posted in a cat group, I don't know why.

Under the photo he wrote "Friend Me."

As you may guess it wasn't there long. It got a number of very cleaver comments. Finally the poster wrote an apology:

"Sorry. I'm just trying to get famous."

The guy has 3,000 friends.

I'll take the ones I have, thank you very much. Republicans and Democrats, foodies, historians, older physical fitness folks and anyone interested in equal rights and bathrooms for all.

I really had mixed emotions about posting this picture. I certainly don't want to be a part of his quest to gain fame via the Internet but doubt that many of you will 'friend' him.

New Study Reveals Nails Grow Faster

2016-04-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

I want an OLDMAN'S HAT.

In addition to drinking tea, eating sardines, wearing food stains, struggling to open things and forgetting to zip up my fly I can add a few more things to my list of Oh Hell I'm Really Getting Old.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and put on the same things I wore the prior day. I often say I take showers twice a week. With our recent rain I may shower four times a week. I mean really, who will see me if I don't go out? It's not like anyone is going to visit or you have Smell O' Rama on your computer (now that's a thought for the future).

Please don't get the wrong idea. I'm not the bachelor in the movies who takes socks out of the dirty clothes hamper and smells them before he decides what to wear, I have more than enough socks and underpants to get by until Wanda does the wash. I know my way around a laundry room but she insists on being the only one to use the machine and she doesn't like me touching her delicates.

So there are those nights when clothes get piled on the floor before I roll into bed. In the morning I put on whatever I find.

Then I make coffee and get on with my day.

This was one of those mornings.

It was dark when I got dressed at 6:35.

Last night I'd left my slippers in the family room and I glanced down as I padded to the kitchen to start the coffee. I don't truly wake up until my second cup, but I was awake enough to notice I was wearing two different socks.

I don't mean one left and one right sock, I mean two dissimilar styles of footwear.

My socks were as incompatible as me and the bad spouse. I was wearing one grey sock with dark horizontal stripes at the ankle and a beige one with brown designs. In retrospect I guess it could have been even more appalling, I could have been wearing mismatching Argyles.

It isn't that I'm wearing a hole in the toe of one sock, too cheap to throw out its mate. I am not one of these guys with a slew of mismatched socks who just decides no one will notice.

Sometimes I go out wearing two different socks, what's the big deal? I'm sure it happens and besides, I have another pair just like them at home.

I owe Wanda a big thank you and an apology.

I'm paraphrasing here which is something I find myself doing more often because I can't remember the exact quote.

"Sometimes what my brain thinks is funny isn't very when it comes out of my mouth."

The bathroom remodel is now two years old.

For almost two years I bitched and complained about water stains. Now she is doing almost all the cleaning.

I think the visual of my sometimes futile effort to keep our bathroom looking brand new is funny. I bitch and moan about water splashed on the granite counters. I complain about hard water spots on the corners of the shower door guides and talk about cleaning the area with Q-tips. I prattle on, longing for the good old days when I could drip on the floor and not give a damn, when I didn't have multi-colored Chamois towels placed in strategic locations in the room. I talk about the time when my hygiene and keeping myself clean took precedence over the bathroom.

I do not dislike the remodel. After two years it still looks great. My complaining about a little extra work to keep it looking new is just me trying to be funny and also, subtly, admitting I am somewhat lazy. To be honest, it's much easier living like a slob.

So to Wanda, I'm so sorry and thank you.

Recently I've noticed my ears are beginning to rival the size of Lyndon Baines Johnson in his last years in office. Fortunately I have several fashionable Watch Caps I wear to cover and shield them from view. I think sans ears I look 10 to 15 years younger.

If I'd been born wealthy an earectomy would be in my future.

Contrary to well known and the most accepted geriatric information my nails seem to be growing faster as I age, that or my life is so devoid of excitement each time I clip them is an event to remember.

You may find this odd but I always go outside to trim my nails. The clippings are biodegradable. I'm not concerned with anyone stealing and planting my DNA at a crime scene and it helps keep the bathroom clean.

Now there is new evidence to support the theory that the speed of finger and toenail growth has surged by nearly a quarter over the past 70 years.

No wonder I need to clip more often.

Researchers from the University of North Carolina compared results to a study of nail growth published by Oxford University in 1938 and another study from 1958.

The results revealed that big toenails now grow by more than 2mm a month, compared with 1.65mm in the thirties.

Thumbnail growth rate was 3mm a month in 1938 and 3.06mm in the fifties study.

However, the average thumbnail now grows by 3.55mm a month – an increase of more than half a millimeter over seven decades.

Scientists monitored 195 fingernails and 188 toenails over three months and published the findings in the Journal of the European Academy of Dermatology and Venereology last week.

The results also showed that fingernails now grow by 3.47mm every month, almost twice as fast as toenails.

Researchers said: ‘A rapid change in the environment, lifestyle and health conditions such as diet, physical activity and body composition has occurred over the past 30 years.

Teresa Smith, director of the mobile manicure service Nailsatwork said, "Nail length has increased that's for sure. I find I need to cut nails down more on my middle-aged clients."

It takes ten months for a full toenail to grow, while fingernails take six months.

Scientists have also discovered that head sizes of infants have grown at a faster rate since 1930.

According to the academic journal "Intelligence", the average head circumference of a one-year-old increased by about 1.5cm between 1930 and 1985.

I'm can't wait to read the 2016 report.

Larger heads, now that is something to look forward to.

I'm going to need a bigger hat.

partial post from 12-14-14

Sex, Sex, Sex and American Bandstand

2016-04-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

Made you look!

Dick Clark died yesterday, he was 82 years old.

(Remember some of this blog post is originally from 4-19-2012)

American Bandstand as most of us know it went on air for ABC in 1957. Clark was the host for over thirty years. Dick Clark looked like he was 40 until he was 70 then aged 30 years overnight.

Or something happened to the picture of him in the attic.

I'm sure the majority of people my age remember watching Bandstand and can hum the opening theme song. It will be a sad New Years Eve when Dick isn't around to see the big ball drop.

Who made the most appearances on American Bandstand?

Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon was on the show 110 times. I have no idea who is in second place.

Michael Jackson was in the news today, maybe him? He did appear on the 50TH anniversary show in 2002.

The program started in Philadelphia in 1952.

The first host of Bandstand from 1952-56 was radio D.J. Bob Horn. On July 9, 1956 Horn was fired after a drunk driving arrest. He was also involved in a prostitution ring and brought up on morals charges. Horn was temporarily replaced by producer Tony Mammarella before the job went to Dick Clark.

The Jackson Brothers are going on tour this year and may be taking a Micheal hologram along. I would advise anyone going to the show to pay for your ticket with the hologram of a Visa card.

Is this one of the screwiest things ever, or is it just me?

Will they sell holograms and blow up dolls of Mike. By the way, the holographic Michael will be performing several of his big hits including, "Heaven Can Wait" from the 2001 album Invincible.

You may have heard about the Secret Service scandal with prostitutes in Columbia? It seems the guys were fooling around when preparing for a President Obama visit. I guess the secret part of secret service isn't secret enough.

Just one more example of the screwed up political environment we live in. A Republican Senator from Alabama is pontificating about the situation. He wonders if President Obama is "Capably leading the government." He says Obama should take responsibility for the Secret Service peckers.

Hey man, Shut The F@#$ Up. Stop the ridiculous finger pointing and work toward real solutions to our very real problems.

The last few months Wanda and I have been using our Visa card for the majority of our monthly expenses. Safeway, Starbucks, gas and on line shoes. The bill this month is $800. The minimum payment is $15. With zero interest it would take over four years to pay this off.

And we sold all of our Visa stock two years ago.

Looking at one of the many eMail offers I get every day I read, Obama Steaks, save up to 65%.

What the Hell are Obama steaks and why would I want them, 65% off or not?

It was Omaha not Obama and not only steaks but potato's, ravioli and other food items. Who would order potatoes au gratin mail order?

I read some of the many reviews, here is one of my favorites:

"Overpriced for what you get. I might consider giving as a gift in a real pinch (if I had a great discount) but it would be a last resort."

Nothing says friendship and love like mail order meat.

Steve Speaks

2016-04-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

Sparky woke everyone at 3:30 this morning. He was grousing about the food freshness in his bowl. He can be a real jerk.

He came in the bedroom where I was sleeping.

I got up, went in the living room and yaked on the rug. I have a spot under the table where humans don't see it right away.

I do it there or somewhere they will step in barefoot.

This morning I saw this intruder outside. He was wearing blue and he was not alone. I saw three of them. I call them the J-gang.

I can also look at this. I like the little ones but not so much the Mocking birds. They make fun of me.

I can look at birds every day if Boots stays away.

I really do not like that guy.

I'm Steve the Cat.

I eat, I sleep, I poop in a box.

What the Coffee You Drink Says About You

2016-04-01T07:38:00.002-07:00

What Does Your Coffee Say About You?

Black coffee:
You're an old school purist who keeps things simple. You can be quiet and moody, abrupt and dismissive, set in your ways and resistant to change. You can happily spend all day in the back far corner of Starbucks drinking free refills and muttering obscenities about customers who order fancy drinks. You have a twenty-year-old pair of work boots and an older wool lined jean jacket. You have a complete tool kit, a battery powered drill and a chain saw. You never learned the metric system, don't give a shit and think it is a sissy way to measure. You like to read magazines and have the latest Bass Pro Monthly on the toilet tank lid.

Latte:
You're a comfort seeker, honest and generous with your time. You go out of your way to help people. You don't always take good care of yourself and get easily overextended. You give money to the 'will work for food' guy on the corner then don't have enough for your coffee. You often volunteer for neighborhood watch meeting and clean-ups. You cried when you heard Hostess was going out of business. You love a good conversation but do it on-line because lots of people have 'Cooties.' You are as complex as the coffee you drink. You use non fat milk because of the sugar content in whole. You still eat Frosted Flakes cereal because you met Tony the Tiger when you were a kid.

Frozen/blended drinks:
You try new things and are a trend setter. You're child like, spontaneous and imaginative. You fall for quick fixes, can be reckless and don't always make healthy choices. You were the first person in you social circle to wear underpants on your head in public. You are currently in line for tickets to a Rolling Stones show. Last week you patched a leak with duct tape. You are very good at making shadow puppets and balloon animals. You have a fear of clowns, mimes and women named Gertrude. You have a secret desire to bathe in a tub filled with fried chicken and Hellman's mayo.

Decaf, Soy, or Chai:
You like being in control and can be obsessive. You're aware of your health. You over focus on the rules and tend to be sensitive. You worry. You always make your partner choose the movie then bitch about it. You would rather drive than take a bus. You shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe's and use canvas totes. You always drive slightly under the speed limit, make complete stops and give pedestrians the right of way. You own a juicer, eat Brussels sprouts and always order vinaigrette dressing. You get very upset if a driver honks his horn and have never given anyone The Finger, ever.

Instant Coffee:
You're traditional, laid back, take life as it comes, put things off and are a poor planner. Your truck needs brakes and has for awhile. The mobile home has a slight right tilt but it's OK, you're left handed. You use old holey socks as hand puppets, wear your hat backwards and owe the I.R.S. lots of money. You like dogs over cats, birds over fish, and have a turtle named Boris.

Tea:
You love travel and bargains but you hate to barter. You are systematic and methodical. You like sports, play a few, and take care of yourself. You tend to hang on to things much too long. You're overly obsessed with the proper formula for dunking cookies in your drink. You have too many sweaters and store them in vacuum bags. Your husband once bought you bridge lessons for an actual bridge. You enjoy BBC programs but didn't watch Benny Hill.

No-fat, no-whip, white chocolate machiatto:
You are multi layered, complex and a health nut. You have a high colonic the first Tuesday of every month with 31 days. You have a standing massage appointment at the neighborhood spa. You get your nails done twice each month and always change the color. You tip your hair person too much. You like raw carrots and put peanut butter on apples and celery.

Bottled frappucino:
You're basically immature. You love to say, "pull my finger" and fart. You have no problem eating Taco Bell at midnight. You are the designated pizza order-er and get anchovies even though no one else likes them. You have seen "Pretty Woman" thirty times and yell "STUPID IDIOT" every time Richard Gear goes back for the hooker. You still use a VCR and know the cassette 8 track audio will make a comeback. You think E-tablets are a waste and smart phones too difficult. You once got a Q-tip stuck so far up your ear you went to the E.R. Most of your friends like Ultimate Fighting but you still watch WWF. You watch X-games for the accidents.

I drink coffee made from K-cups.

Obviously I don't concern myself with money because this stuff is almost as expensive as that coffee made from animal crap. Every day I agonize over the excessive waste I'm putting in a land fill but I'm lazy and this is so easy.

partial repost from 4-4-13

I'm Steve

2016-03-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of things to do.

Sleeping and eating are musts for a productive day, not trying to type without opposable thumbs. Hitting this space bar is very hard and I'm going to need a manicure if I do it again. My nails are putting little scratches and pits in the computer keys.

Chuck had a dentist appointment this morning. I am tired of hearing him complain about going. I don't get what the big deal is. At least he has a dentist.

Hey, check this out.

A survey published this year found that over 50% of final year veterinary students do not feel confident either in discussing orodental problems with clients or in performing a detailed examination of the oral cavity of their small animal patients. Once in practice things don't always improve and it seems many vets dread feline dental procedures.

So if you and I are going to have a relationship I should formally introduce myself.

Hi.

I'm Steve.

I don't know how old I am for sure.

This was me at the cat hobo village Chuck had in his backyard in 2008.

Back then I lived across the street. Those people called me Sniff and I hated it, what a stupid name. It's not a really a name it's a sound you make when you suck air up your nose. And just between us I think that kid over there sucked more than air up his nose.

Steve is much more sophisticated.

So I kept coming over here and made friends with Chuck who would sit out back and pet me.

Around Christmas 2009 I got into a fight with a big bully and had an abscess on my cheek. Chuck went over to my house and told the other people I needed to go to a doctor and he would take care of me. I'm glad he did.

This is me back then.

I have had a lot of friends.

Jill was first since those people across the street didn't want her anymore either. Then after they had a fire Silvia lived here.

Larry, Carl, Casper and Dakota were here when I came.

Now I share this house with Sparky who moved in after living in the backyard for a long time.

I'm a pretty lucky cat.

Looking Back Five Years

2016-03-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw a commercial for a mouth guard.

"No more snoring." Guaranteed.

If it doesn't work you can return it and get your money back.

If you are married or living with someone you can ask them to stay awake and listen. If you live alone, well, then you have a problem. I suppose you could buy a sound activated tape recorder. The company that sells these should have a 'listening' service.

But, how would you know if they were telling the truth?

I wrote the following while on a cruise.

There was a young lady from France
Who left for her cruise without underpants
At first she was blue
But then thought it through
and just knew she'd have fun at the dance.

There was a young man name of Fred
who while sun tanning turned horribly red
tho it wasn't the sun that got him overdone
it was the topless deck he thought would be fun

there was an experienced traveler named Rick
on his very first cruise he got sick
each time the ship hit a wave
he would look oh so brave
but he needed a bathroom
and quick

On the cruise was a fellow named Paul
who when walking would bounce off the wall
"It's not what you think
I've had too much to drink"
It's the waves that are twenty feet tall

Wanda and I were watching "American Pickers". The guys were looking through a lot of gasoline and oil advertising signs. The storage facility also had a number of old, really old, gas pumps, one with an 11 cent per gallon price tag. I started thinking about what I thought was "IT" back when I was a kid. I guess I'm going back to 1960?

I don't remember the circumstances but I saw the paycheck of an uncle. Printed on the lower right corner under the signature line was not good for over $250.00. At the time I couldn't imagine earning two hundred fifty dollars a week, let alone more. That seemed like so much money to me. My ultimate then was $250.00 a week in salary, a $5,000.00 car and a $50,000.00 home.

I saw a commercial for a KIA yesterday. It was $30,000.00.

If the company is going to be selling cars for that much maybe they should come up with a longer name.

At one time small three bedroom one bath homes around here were selling at $450,000.

It's all relative.

partial repost from 3-24-11

Two Guys Walk into a Bathroom

2016-03-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

An unexpected and shocking altercation broke out in a 32nd floor restroom of a downtown Kansas City professional building yesterday.

Franklin Peabody, a 40-year-old investment banker and 48-year-old Thomas Terwilliger who works for the law firm Flywheel and Hester were both hospitalized following what witnesses say was a vicious unprovoked attack with a toilet seat lid.

Peabody claims he was standing at a urinal relieving himself when Terwilliger came into the men's room and took a position right next to him.

Peabody says, "There's an entire wall of urinals and this guy stands right next to me. I have a shy bladder so I asked him to move."

Terwilliger, who had several cups of coffee on his way to the office, was shocked. "I've never in my life heard such a thing. The urinals are placed far enough apart for some privacy. After all, I just want to relieve myself, you know, drain the lizard as it were. I sure wasn't interested in his business. So I told him to go screw himself."

Peabody, who wasn't able to finish became so upset he yanked a toilet seat lid off a bowl and began to beat Terwilleger over the head.

At this point a man who was in a stall reading the New York Times called building security and 911.

Police arrived to a scene of utter chaos.

Patrolman Howard Dinsetter said, "There was blood everywhere and toilet paper too. Both participants looked awful. Terwilliger had a very vascular head wound and Peabody got his penis stuck in his zipper. I can tell you, that hurts."

"I wanted to avoid an arrest but I had to take them in. It's one thing to fight about reclining seats on airplanes but where to pee in a public bathroom should never be up for debate."

Both men have been charged with disturbing the peace. They are expected to make full and complete recoveries.

Terwilleger said he's going to cut back on his morning coffee and Peabody will attend meditation and relaxation classes.

When I had to take Younger Daughter Rebecca to the bathroom in the middle of Benji the Hunted, which was no great sacrifice; I had a choice to make.

In hindsight I should have taken her to the ladies room and waited outside. I took her into the men's room so I could keep a closer eye on her. It was empty and passing the urinals on the way to the stalls she asked me what they were.

"Dad, what are those things on the walls for?" She asked.

Not wanting to get into an entire conversation about the difference in gender plumbing I told her that men sit in them.

Yesterday I once again was Otto the family dog. We went to the store.

After picking a short line and placing items on the belt we were treated to five minutes of discussion about why the lady in front of us had an outdated credit card. Meanwhile the entire population of Muncie, Indiana checked out before us.

Did you know there are professional line standers? Sitters? Waiters?

I've come to this point in my life. If someone is willing to pay for service, who am I to judge.

Impatience has a price. Robert Samuel, owner of professional line-waiting service S.O.L.D. or Same Ole Line Dudes, puts it at $25 for the first hour and $10 for each additional half hour.

"Whatever you want, we wait for it," he said. "We wait for everything from sneaker launches to concert tickets to Ice Skating Anna and Elsa dolls."

Samuel was interviewed while waiting in line for Dominique Ansel Bakery's Cronuts in New York's SoHo. The Cronuts, which sell for $5, are SOLD's most popular request. He charges a flat rate of $60 for two. He usually shows up two hours before the bakery opens at 8 a.m.

Typical clients include busy professionals and executives along with people with out-of-town guests, who want to try popular items like Cronuts but whose hosts prefer to skip the wait.

Samuel, 38, now has about a dozen employees who collectively sit for an average of seven to ten jobs per week.

Samuel says, "Business is booming. I was giving some thought to expanding to things like running errands but that seemed too much like work. I prefer sitting on my ass and getting paid."

One of my buddies suggested standing in for busy executives at dinner engagements and events like theater openings and fund raisers. I may do that. I'll need a few additions to the old closet but I think I can mix and match with the best of them."

"I will draw the line at having sex."

"No one should be too busy for that."

Partial repost from 9-14-14

She Said, He Heard & I Thought It Was a Good Idea

2016-03-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

Why does the skin of older people bruise so easily?

As people age, the skin becomes thinner and fat padding under the skin is lost. Thus, blood vessels are less protected from injury. An injury inflicted by mild trauma—for example, bumping against a table or being hit by a tennis ball—may result in a substantial bruise. In some instances, bruising may be an indication of an underlying condition. Bruises that appear for no apparent reason may indicate a bleeding disorder. Anti-clotting medications may cause bleeding under the skin.

I don't need anti-clotting medication. I see bruises on my body and have vague recollections of yelling ouch but can't remember why. So either Wanda is hitting me with a plastic ball bat, Steve the Cat is jumping on me when I sleep or I'm walking into a lot of door knobs.

I thought this was a brilliant idea; place a note on the body area with the date and cause of injury to help me remember.

Or maybe an app?

In San Francisco last week the driver of a large charter bus saw sparks and smoke in his vehicle so he pulled into a gas station. The bus was devoid of passengers. After several hours the city had one less gas station, the company had one less bus.

She said. "I can't afford it."

He heard. I found a quarter.

She said. "Bring in the Christmas present."

He heard. Bring in the Christmas pageant.

She said. "It's in the garage in a shipping bag."

He heard. It's in the garage in a chicken bag.

She said. "The Freesias are pretty."

He heard. The freezer is ready.

She said. "I'm going to put clean sheets on because it smells like bedroom in there."

He heard. I'm going to put clean sheets on because it smells like bacon in there.

She said. "I'm going to hit the sack."

He heard. I'm going to eat a snack.

She does it too.

While watching the Kirk Douglass film "Young Man with a Horn."

He said. "Bix Beiderbecke."

She heard. Big spider butt.

Time Change

2016-03-13T10:29:00.002-07:00

On March 4th I missed telling you about National Grammar Day. It was also National Pound Cake Day, I missed that too. Determined to enlighten you about these extra special days I decided to check this morning for others.

Today is Check Your Batteries Day, Donald Duck Day, Earmuff Day, Ken (the doll) Day, National Jewel Day and Open an Umbrella Indoors Day.

Why not have a Change Your Socks and Underpants Day?

The only day I care about today is Daylight Savings Time Day. I'm out of sync. This time change is almost more than I can handle.

My biological clock is off. I don't care what this clock says, it's an hour earlier. The extra hour of sunlight helps conserve energy they say. Arizona doesn't do it, neither does Hawaii or American Samoa, Guam, or Puerto Rico. Northern Marianas and the Virgin Islands don't change their clocks either. So, why do we do it twice a year?

Statistics to support the time change include a reduction in traffic accidents and crime rates. "People travel to and from school and work and complete errands during the daylight rather than night, when more crime occurs," according to the U.S. Department of Transportation.

We conserve energy have fewer accidents and impede crime, all good things. Now consider this. It's only one hour but the time shift and stress caused by the time changes can be bad for the body. A 2008 article in the New England Journal of Medicine reported the number of heart attacks jump during the period immediately following time changes, and those vulnerable to sleep deprivation should be extra careful.

"These transitions can disrupt chronobiologic (fancy word) rhythms and influence the duration and quality of sleep, and the effect lasts for several days after the shift."

Changing the clocks is not healthy and it can be very difficult. I could pack and move to Arizona or Hawaii or even the Northern Marianas, wherever they are. But it would be a lot easier if daylight savings time didn't happen. We change the clocks twice a year. Leave us alone already. Getting through the day is tough enough. I don't need to think about eating lunch at noon, when it's really eleven, or is it?

Twice a year I have to reset my circadian rhythm. As I age it gets more difficult. We officially change the clocks at 2 a.m. and have one day to get ready for the work week. I don't go to work but still, Monday is supposed to be more productive than my Sunday.

There are twenty devices that display the time in this house. Some change automatically while others do not.

Last night we reset thirteen of them to Daylight Savings Time. After ten years of owning it I still don't know how to change the clock on the home alarm keypad. It's correct half the year. I try not to get confused when I walk down the hall and pass the alarm then the correct clock on the thermostat two feet away. I lose an hour going north and gain an hour heading south.

Now I am faced with some very difficult decisions. Should I eat when the clock says it is meal time or wait until my stomach indicated it wanted food. Bedtime is another issue. I usually go to sleep around midnight and get up at seven. What if I'm not tired at midnight when its really only eleven? I woke at seven this morning but it was eight.

The majority of us dislike the time change. There are several pages on Facebook devoted to the disruption. Twice a year people look them up and complain. I found a petition this morning. Once it has 100,000 signatures it will be sent to the White House. So far it has seven. Not seven thousand, not seven hundred.....seven.

I get it; some people do not want their names on a petition.

STOP THE TIME CHANGE!

But only seven? Maybe it's easier to complain and adapt then instigate change.

This fall, I'm going to protest. I'm not going to change my clocks, socks or underpants.

Steve the Cat Finally Needs Me

2016-03-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

Hi it is me, Steve the Cat.

In this picture I am leaning against Chuck and usually I would not be near him but he said he would help take my picture, it is a selfie.

I don't like him very much. He never takes me outside or plays with me like my Momma does.

He really should shower more often or use a better underarm deodorant.

I hope you all had a good evening.

I did.

Chuck and my Momma went to sleep early and Sparky and I had the house to ourselves.

That is always fun.

I will not say what we get up to because he will see this and would probably install a web cam.

I will tell you that one of these days I fully expect Sparky will groom me.

The interloper Boots is still hanging around the back yard.

I know now that he is a he. Yesterday I saw him pee on the tire of the car across the street. He was not ladylike.

The other day Momma and Chuck watched the Minion movie which was a perfect choice for him.

The Minions do not speak English and he can't hear dialog anyway.

Matter of fact, he can't hear much. He says, "What?" a lot.

I watched him Swiffer the floor this morning. I wish he would not do that. I took a lot of time putting small play items just where I want them and then he moves them all.

I like to bat things around with my front feet and chase them.

I love my tinfoil ball and nip mouse.

Especially my nip mouse.

Now he is going outside to 'do some gardening.' I saw him getting tools and putting on his gloves.

All he will do is scare the birds.

Until next time, I'm Steve the Cat.

I eat, I sleep, I poop in a box.

Oh, and I am supposed to be on a diet.

partial repost from 7-13-15

Little Things Now Make Me Happy

2016-03-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

The other day I filled my pill dispenser. I had to open a new 500 tablet jar of calcium.

It's interesting how my perspective has changed over time. Not all that long ago I thought a Norwegian cruise would make me happy. Now I'm ecstatic when exactly seven pills fall out of a large container.

I should probably stop writing about my health, getting old, and how it impacts my daily life.

I use a pill organizer. Initially I bought it for a cruise. It's a very nice pill organizer with seven little compartments, each embossed with the day of the week.

Every evening, when Wanda reminds me, I take a calcium supplement with vitamin D, a digestive probiotic, a low dose thyroid and an aspirin.

Once a week I fill the little boxes with my four pills and am proud of my weekly accomplishment but I always bitch about having to do it. "Another week again? This is like cutting my nails."

Hell, I should be thankful I have another week.

My container has a red button on one end and a green button on the other. I always forget it is the red one that is pushed inward to unlock the covers which is, in my humble opinion, ass backwards.

Everyone knows green means go, or open.

Due to the variance in size and weight I must remember to put the thyroid and aspirin in after the calcium. If I forget the order, the larger pill displaces the smaller one causing it to flip into a different day's compartment, or worse, off the counter and on to the floor. If this happens I find myself crawling around on my hands and knees looking for a white pill the size of a fingernail.

If I do find it I blow it off and use it.

I'm not really sure why I take these.

The doctor said the calcium would be good for my bones. I think exercise and not falling down would be better.

I take the probiotic as 'a digestive' aid because the good for my bones calcium may, or may not be, constipating. The ambiguity of the calcium is not a problem since the probiotic may, or may not, be beneficial.

As for the thyroid, I have a few ideas about that.

According to a WebDoc thyroid quiz mine functions at 85% so my doctor and I will have a talk about this when I see him next. On the other hand, I must pay a monthly premium for medication whether I order or not so the thyroid is essentially free and I do function at the extra 15%.

I recently started taking the aspirin. It reduces the possibility of heart attack and stroke and increases the possibility of bleeding.

I stopped drinking home made lattes.

I'm now living in the mist of my own Butterfly Effect. When I was drinking two cups of milk on a daily basis Wanda and I could anticipate our needs and plan buying trips accordingly.

Now its purchase is a random act. Each trip to the store (call me Otto the family dog) is an adventure.

As non fat milk drinkers we are subjected to price, due dates and the possibility of buying low fat or worse, whole milk.

We tried buying milk at Costco since it's much cheaper. Once I could balance on the door opening of the cold ice box shifting 16 1/2 pound boxes looking for extended due dates but now I tire and take whatever they have. Half of our last two purchases have turned sour prior to use. I think there is very little point in saving money only to pour it down the drain. I'd rather give it away.

The only thing worse than discovering sour milk in the container is realizing you have just poured it into your food. This happened recently. An entire bowl of cereal and half a banana, ruined.

So Wanda and I had an adventure, we went to Walgreens for milk.

She wanted to pick up a few ladies items so I was dispatched to the dairy area. Although it occupies a very small section it was easy to find against the back wall nestled between beer, wine and assorted cold cuts. The milk itself was relegated to three lower shelves, the non fat the lowest. It was at floor level so like hunting for the little thyroid pill I dropped to my hands and knees.

I could generalize that people who drink non fat milk are in better health than those who drink whole milk so it's easier for us to get on all fours but there must be another reason my choice was on the bottom.

Not that it mattered since the shelf was empty.

I don't know if this store has an abundance of extra friendly helpful workers because of it's commitment to customer service or they just keep an eye on you for security reasons but I soon saw an employee.

"The shelf for non fat milk is empty. Should I assume the store is out or do you have any in back?" I asked a clerk.

She smiled, "What color is it?" She said.

Really, that's what she said.

"Ah, white-ish, it's milk."

Now the manager Kirk got involved in the conversation.

"No, the label, what color is the label?"

How the Hell should I know what color the label is? The shelf is EMPTY. I don't buy milk here on a regular basis. I don't even know what brand you sell.

Apparently you don't need to read to stock milk at a drug store.

Then Kirk explained that different blends had different color coded labels. Whole is orange and 2% blue. Non fat is purple. Except at Starbucks, where he once worked as a barista, non fat there is green.

Did you know that at one time whole milk labels were predominately red? A study found that people associated red with stop signs and whole milk consumption declined. Over the last few years large dairies have used various packaging to promote sales, the rainbow label being one of the most successful.

After receiving my milk lesson for the millennium, out of necessity I selected a 2% and slowly made my way to the check out counter and a waiting Wanda. I'm sure she thought I'd gotten lost in the canned goods or candy aisle but much to her credit she said nothing.

I put our selections on the counter.

I learned as a very young child Irving the Barber could not talk and count money at the same time. If I was inquisitive and bold enough to ask him a question he would always say, "Don't talk to me I'm counting money." For years I never spoke when at a check out counter always thinking I would interfere and my distraction would inevitably cause a shortage that I would discover after leaving the store.

I KNOW we paid for a soda with a twenty and got change for a dollar ten years ago.

Try telling that to the manager of a casino.

In addition to limited reading for stocking, running a register only requires a rudimentary knowledge of addition and subtraction. Items are scanned or pictures that appear on screen selected. So while our purchases were checked I began a conversation with the clerk.

And while Kirk scanned, bagged and collected money for our items I talked with him about my favorite selections at Starbucks (after all, he was a barista) and my fondness for Steeltown coffee. Once we completed the transaction and while I was still describing my selection, a grande non fat latte with an extra shot of espresso, $4.15 using my personal cup, Wanda informed me there was someone behind me.

Regretfully this is not he first time she has done this. I find myself in this situation very often these days.

I'm now one of those people in front of you in line who doesn't shut up and leave when they're done.

I'm like the person who finishes filling the gas tank, gets into his car, puts away his receipt and credit cards while you wait for him to pull away or the guy at the bank drive-thru who insists on counting his cash, replacing his wallet, clicking his seat belt (that he had to remove so he could reach the window) and adjust his testicles before motoring ahead four feet which would allow you to start your transaction.

I've come to the conclusion I am so starved for conversation exchanging pleasantries and world views with total strangers is becoming an important part of my life.

I delude myself into assuming others actually listen to and care about what I have to say.

And I've gotten to the point where I'm unaware there are people lurking just outside my personal space.

Wanda now has another job.

In addition to reminding me to take my pills, get my phone, check my zipper, she needs to be my people checker.

There's someone behind you now.......move it along.

partial repost from 12-8-2014

Steve the Cats Complaint

2016-03-03T11:23:00.000-08:00

Would you like to clean your hands with your tongue?

Chuck decided Sparky and I should go on a diet.

After over a year of giving us Wild Buffalo or Blue Buffalo or Blue Mountain Wilderness food, I can't read but it has a cool picture of a big cat on the bag, he decided to read the feeding instructions.

This is what I heard him say.

"This food is expensive. It costs three times what they used to eat and Steve yaks a lot of it up. It's not like he is skinny, maybe we are overfeeding them?"

Now we are getting 1/2 to 3/4 of a cup of food each day.

And I have to eat at the same time as Sparky or he pigs out on my portion as well as his own.

I ask you, is that fair?

I think they should buy us kitty fitbits and leave us alone.

I'm Steve the Cat.

I eat, I sleep, I poop in a box.

Home Services Are the Way of the Future.

2016-02-25T11:07:00.000-08:00

I had a friend who ordered many things online. She had her groceries delivered. I would consider doing that but a trip to Safeway has become a social occasion.

It's a reason for me to shower.

Several months ago we started ordering from Blue Apron, a home delivery meal service.

This from the web site:

Discover exciting, seasonal recipes created by our culinary team & renowned guest chefs
Recipes never repeated in the same year
500-700 calories per serving
Specialty ingredients that are fresher than the supermarket
Ingredients are perfectly pre-measured so there’s no waste
Meats naturally raised on antibiotic- and hormone-free diets
Free delivery nationwide
Choose a delivery day that best fits your schedule
Ingredients arrive in a refrigerated box so food stays fresh even if you’re not home when we deliver

I was exhausted after unpacking the box so Wanda did all the cooking.

With advanced age limited mobility can be a factor. We live in a technologically advanced society. Many services are a keystroke or icon away.

And I thought a company for home pests named Louse Calls was inventive.

How about this one?

From an article giving helpful hints for thicker looking hair:

"It's been my experience that vitamin co enzyme B biotin supplements can increase hair health and up the production of dormant hair follicles, thereby creating fuller hair," says Silvia SanStevens, co-founder of door-to-door blow-out service Blow Me.

Blow me?

You can look it up here.

Blow Me. I certainly understand why this might be a lucrative business if the clients were male but do enough women need help drying their hair?

Ruth Stafford Peale, wife of "The Power of Positive Thinking" author, Norman Vincent Peals is credited with the famous quote "Find a need and fill it!"

Here are some home and delivery services you may not be aware of.

We-B-Naked:

We provide Nude Cooks and House Cleaners. Men or women will cook or clean while naked, or if you choose, wearing sexy underwear. Cooks must wear aprons. Due to several minor accidents men are not allowed to vacuum.

Terms and conditions: We-B-Naked provides a house cleaning and cooking service solely for the purpose of house cleaning and cooking. We-B-Naked does not provide any form of escort service or illegal activity.

Client must provide cleaning supplies (if necessary). Charges are $150 per hour with a 2 hour minimum.

You must be 18 years of age.

No cameras or video equipment allowed and please close your blinds.

Nail Express:

We offer same day home service. If your nails are cracked, chipped or too long, give our service a try. We do manicures and pedicures for men and women in the comfort of your home.

Nail clippings become the property of Nail Express.

Hello Flo:

If buying tampons is a problem call on Hello Flo. We're as regular as your period. For the low, low price of $14 per month we will deliver your tampons (or pads) faster than you can say. "I need you now."

Safety First Condoms:

You never know when you might need protection so let us be yours. For only $1 per month we'll mail you 3 condoms in your choice of colors. One size fits all so we supply attractive matching rubber bands for that snug fit. We also have glow-in-the-dark condoms for those that want to stand out and camouflage condoms for those that like to hide. Each condom is individually wrapped in an attractive foil package. For the overconfident try our "Don't Put a Bun-in-the Oven" bakers dozen for just $10 per month.

If not satisfied don't complain to us. Returns not accepted.

Shave and a Haircut Two Bits:

For $9.50 Harry's Hairy Hide-Away will send you shaving cream, razors and grooming tips the first of every month. Learn how to give yourself a trim or a full hair-cut using a scissors and mirror.

For an additional $10 Harry's will send you a new hat.

Scintillating Socks:

This is the sock club for men and women. Just $12 and you will receive a fresh and very attractive pair of fashionable socks each month. We have a six month minimum initial contract. Please specify size when placing first order. All socks are guaranteed shrink resistant. We will not be held responsible for any sock that escapes your dryer.

Timely Ties:

You know that ugly tie that you get every holiday? This isn't it. We send a beautiful silk tie and we guarantee you'll love the first Tuesday of the month. Our ties are always stylish and colorful. Basic package starts at $15 for tie only. Add a matching pocket square for $3 more.

All items are dry clean only.

Funerals-R-Fun:

Loved one passed? You have enough on your plate. Let us take the worry out of what to do with grampa.

Funerals-R-Fun is a full service company. From soup to nuts we do it all. So please be sure to give us a call.

Call Funerals-R-Fun at 1-888-Pine Box.

Litter Mates & Poop Scoops:

Call for next day full service. We know you and your pets will be happy with a clean yard and/or a fresh litter box. We will pick-up, remove and haul away all the dog shit in your yard. We also empty and wash cat boxes as well as supply fresh clumping litter. Our service is $30 for cats and small dogs $55 for larger breeds. Sorry, we do not do Great Danes, Irish Wolfhounds, or Mastiffs.

We offer a 10% discount for multi-dog and cat homes.

Debbie -D-Clutters:

Are you tired of tripping over boxes? Are you sleeping in a rats nest? Are you pooping in plastic garbage bags? Is your kitchen a toxic waste land?

I'm a silver member of the National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO) and founder of Throw Out Some Stuff (TOSS). I'll come to your home and help you decide what items are worth keeping and what should be TOSS-ED. I will have your house looking neat and orderly before you can say HOARDER. So, put your trust and house key in my hands.

All services must be paid-in-full in advance.

Nothing-But-Net Aquarium Service:

If you're tired of cleaning the tank we'll make it sparkle or you. No tank too big or small and as for fish we've done it all.

We are a full tropical fresh and salt water service. We have over 20-years in the fish business and know our way around a tank. We offer weekly, bi-monthly and monthly tank cleaning. If you're really tired of the expense and upkeep of your fish call our sister company Sushi Haven.

Joker's Wild:

If you're down in the dumps, depressed and feeling lonely call Joker's Wild. We'll send you a semi-professional comedian guaranteed to make you laugh periodically during a 30 minute joke session. We also offer card, board game partners and taxi service to an emergency room near you.

Mountain Mikes Meat of the Month, Some Cheese and a Little Fruit Club:

Mike has it all, steaks, burgers, and exotic meat. If you need two or two hundred steaks per month Mike has you covered. We have Kobe beef, link sausage, bacon and ribs. No meat is left behind. When you're ready to salute the salami give Mike a try.

We also offer a cheese surprise and a selection of in-season stone fruit with our deluxe package.

There are many other odd and unusual home and delivery services.

I found one that will do a house call and floss your teeth but that's even too weird for me.

Some information originally posted 2-27-14

I Can't Remember Where My Happy Place Is

2016-02-23T10:29:00.000-08:00

I started writing this blog in 2010. Older Daughter Jennifer set it up.

At the time I was in Michigan caring for my brother and sending E-mail up dates to family and friends. She thought a blog would be a better way to communicate.

Now I have been splashing information on the Internet for over five years.

People have asked where I get my ideas and the truth is everywhere. Some are much better than others.

I have no brain filter and may say or write anything, however embarrassing.

But I have a problem.

See, I always keep a binder in the computer desk and ideas are written down. Now I can't read my writing.

Over the week end I got to be Otto the Family Dog.

I've mentioned I'm not driving.

When there is anyplace to go I happily grab my hat. Although lately it has been mostly on my head. I've taken to wearing a wool 'watch cap' in the house when it's under 70 degrees. It keeps me warm and covers my ears. I think I look much younger.

Leaving the house was always a ritual, what with the "Is the heat (or air) off and the alarm set" but now it has become twenty questions.

Wanda must ask me:

"Do you have your phone, sunglasses?" and the more important "Is your zipper up?"

I go out to the car, climb in the passenger seat and happily stare out the window as we go on our way.

Like I said, "Just call me Otto."

I used to laugh at 'Sit and be Fit.'

Now I can't differentiate dust balls, small bugs, or odd coloration's on the wooden floors.

I've become more relaxed these days. It really used to bother me when clean laundry would come back with an odd sock. Now I am thankful I'm not doing the wash and I truly don't care if I wear a mismatched pair. I mean it's not as if anyone is going to see me.

Speaking of dirty clothes.

We went to Home Depot the other day.

A bulb went out in a three pendent light fixture in the family room. I said we still had two more so why bother replacing it. Wanda was looking for a new dirty laundry hamper. I said we have an entire floor.

After you put your fruit in those bags at the grocery store squeeze out all the air then remove the excess plastic. You will cut down on weight and are sure to save a few dollars over the years.

She said. "I can't stand looking in the mirror anymore."
He heard. I can't stand listening to the news anymore.

I don't like doing either of them.

I am not trying to make light about a shooting. I'm very sure we are all sick of them and extremely frustrated. On the morning news yesterday they were talking about the incident in Kalamazoo, Michigan. A neighbor of the shooter said, "He was a quiet man and a good neighbor. The only unusual thing he did is sometimes go outside his backdoor a shoot a gun."

What the Hell, are you freaking kidding me? He went out and shot a gun and no one thought to call someone?

This from my cousin Jane:

She said. "Oh look, they're having a St. Patrick's Day Dinner."
He heard. Oh look, they're having a prepackaged dinner.

Karyn from Brentwood:

She said. "The Year of the Monkey."
He heard. Why am I a monkey?

...and more misheards from me:

On the telephone with Younger Daughter Rebecca:

She said. "He is a Psych Nurse."
He heard. He is a Fake Nurse.

Here at home:

She said. "Do you have them ready?"
He heard. Do you have the money?

I never have the money. I'm Otto the Family Dog. I don't have pockets.

Here Is Some of My Medical News

2016-02-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

I've been having a Great Debate with myself over the past several days.

The constant chatter has caused Steve the Cat to often wake from his nap and look at me as if I'm nuts. He quickly goes back to sleep.

Sparky doesn't care one way or another.

I admit that I've always considered people that talk and answer themselves to be slightly off center. In this case it is good practice.

You see, my speech is a little off. I am slow, deliberate and have an endearing slur to most of my words. You should hear me on the telephone. By the way, after almost one year I figured out how to answer my smart phone.

If I could just speak clearly I would be set.

My Great Debate has been whether I should actually post something about my situation on this Internet.

I wanted to since I figure I can use all the help and sympathy I can get.

Sympathy: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

On second thought, no sympathy. Just send me good thoughts.

Yesterday I was sitting outside enjoying unseasonably warm weather when a lady about my age walked by carrying a bag of groceries in each hand.

It was really nice getting out of the house. It was really, really nice not needing a sweatshirt and a wool hat in the house.

At our advanced age the food stuff is getting lighter with all the yogurt and string cheese but the sardine tins and Ensure cans add to the weight.

I'm not driving now, which is a good thing considering (a) I would probably be a menace on the road and (b) my piece of crap '91 Plymouth Acclaim but I'm not walking.

You see, Wanda is the main reason my Great Debate decision is printing this.

I wanted you all to know what a tremendous help she has been. I think she has gone above and beyond.

You should know living with me isn't easy even in the best of circumstances.

I have a partner. And thank God I do.

I really want this post to be perfect but it won't be and that makes me sad.

I want to tell you all how much I feel about the political process we now deal with daily. I want to express my feelings about the news and Beyonce and Gaga and the asshole who stole a delivery truck from the local food bank but I will leave this to others.

I would like to express my feelings about 'all lives matter' but I find it just as hard to put those thoughts on paper, well not really paper but you know what I mean, as I do verbalizing a shopping list over the phone.

The neurologist said I had a stroke.

My vision, balance and speech is different than it was.

If I don't talk or walk you wouldn't know anything happened.

Sometimes when I see things like trees, cats, or words they resemble a basketball being dribbled, which is also something that happens to my saliva. Of course I needed a bib and a drool cup a long while before my 'episode.'

Have you ever seen a movie horse count? I think Roy Rodgers' Trigger could do it. When I walk I sort of look like that with my right leg.

Once I get going I'm usually fine but I can't go as far as I once did. I've told many of the neighbors about my situation so when they see me teetering around they won't think I'm drunk.

If I don't talk or walk you wouldn't know anything happened.

You may know I had cataracts.

My Grandma Sophie thought cataracts were cars.

Now I have clear vision and an anti-stigmatic lens in each eye. I also have, for the first time in my life, what the doctor called "floaters."

And I thought floaters were bodies found in water or specific waste closely associated with toilets.

You can actually have fun with floaters.

Is that a small moth or a floater?

For now, I can't change the past so I'll make lemonade. I truly dislike this metaphor but it is appropriate.

I'll re-post some old blogs, write new ones when I can and continue to speak for Steve the Cat.

I Have Too Many Questions to Be a Foodie.

2016-02-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

This is spooky and a little strange.

Headline of the Day:

Mad Cow Kills Marin Woman.

I've seen cows almost every time I have been in Marin. Most of them live in the western part of the county. Sonoma County is next to Marin and has more cows per square mile. The commercials about contented California cows are Sonoma cows. They get all the publicity and attention. They also produce pretty darn good cheese and milk.

What could make a cow mad enough to kill someone?

Marin is a beautiful area with very valuable land. The weather is varied, never too hot or cold. Sometimes a refreshing fog rolls in from the ocean. In short, I would think it to be an ideal place for a cow.

Maybe it was revenge for a night of cow tipping? Whatever the reason, it's a sad state of affairs when something like this happens. Cows are always thought of, at least by me, as benign mostly gentle creatures. Give them nice grass to chew, a bull friend every so often and they're happy.

I hope this isn't the beginning of a cow revolt. Maybe cows are getting fed up with people eating them? Maybe cows are getting tired of taking the blame for global warming? Before more people are killed we need to find the reason the cows are so mad.

I read an article about table manners. These may come in handy some day.

In France:
When eating it is always polite to have both hands visible. Otherwise guests will assume you are playing with the legs of your dinner companions.

American kids hear, "Don't play with your food." French kids hear, "Don't play with your neighbor."

Portugal:
Never bring wine to a hostess. It is considered an insult but it's OK to bring wine to a host.

Egypt:
Never salt your food. The cook intended the food to taste the way it's served. And besides, it's probably not going to help.

Kagro Tribe, Nigeria:
Women aren't allowed to eat with a spoon which is why they they very rarely make soup.

Egypt:
It's customary to keep pouring tea into a cup until it spills over into the saucer. No salt, wet saucers. Why would you want to eat in Egypt?

Afghanistan:
Only eat with your right hand. Guests eat first and are seated farthest from the door. If bread falls onto the floor you should pick it up, kiss it and then raise it to your forehead before putting it back down.

Can I pick up the bread with my left hand? What kind of a kiss should I give it, wet, sloppy? Do I use tongue? I would think no tongue since that would be a French kiss. Do I put it back down on the floor or the plate and do I still eat it? Does the three second rule apply? Why must I sit the furthest from the door? Is it closer to the restroom? Damn too many rules for me. I doubt I will eat in Afghanistan.

France:
Never doggy bag your meals. Eat it at the restaurant or leave it. You can bring a dog into the restaurant so let him/her eat the leftovers there.

Mongolia:
If offered vodka, first flick a few drops in the air "into the wind" then on the floor. Then, touch your forehead with your finger and drink.

This will never catch on here, tequila drinking is hard enough.

OK what was that again? lick salt, squeeze lime and drink or squeeze lime, drink and lick salt?

Japan:
Always slurp your Udon noodle soup — they consider it the best way to make sure you're getting all the flavors of the soup in every bite.

Even better, slurp with a large bore straw, flex straw if you can find one.

Russia:
Drinking vodka is part of everyday life and not drinking is actually offensive.

So is falling down drunk and laying in a pool of your own vomit.

America:
It's considered bad manners to wear a hat or any shirt that exposes under arm hair while in a public restaurant.

Please dress and act accordingly.

Part of an original post from 2-9-2012

Quinoa and Other Food to Love

2016-02-09T10:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday two friends wrote about poutine.

I'd never heard of pountine.

My auto correct wanted to change my misspelling of it to turpentine.

According to Wikipedia:

Poutine is a dish originating in Quebec, Canada, made with french fries, topped with a light brown gravy-like sauce and cheese curds. This fast-food dish is found across Canada and in some places in the northern United States.

French fries topped with gravy? Sounds great don't you think. I mean, what's not to like....until maybe you get to the cheese curds. I don't know, nor at this point in my life do I care to know, what curds are. I remember something about a girl and a tuffet but that's another story.

I don't know much about cheese either.

When I was growing up we had one kind of cheese. It was yellow and came wrapped in an individual plastic sleeve. It is only within the last few years I've experienced Brie cheese and it took a year before I was brave enough to eat the rind on the outside of it.

Now I eat Brie, Gouda, Havarti and Swiss.

I have always had an aversion to food I'm not familiar with and names I can not pronounce.

Quinoa.

It's pronounced Keen-Wah.....and that sounds OK.

Quinoa is a species of the goosefoot genus, a grain crop grown primarily for its edible seeds. It is a pseudocereal rather than a true cereal, as it is not a member of the true grass family.

You have got to check this out.

Chocolate salted Keenwah, now that's good eating.

There are more than 40,000 varieties of cultivated rice in the world and I grew up with one.

White.

From King Fongs Chinese on Dexter Avenue in Detroit.

Now I am determined to try new food items.

I might like coconut milk (or is it water) and odd bushy fruit. I might enjoy eating things that years ago would have only been eaten to extend life. I mean really? Who drinks coconut juice? Or is it milk?

Last year we all celebrated some family event at a local Italian restaurant.

I ordered Spaghetti Carbonara.

The other day I watched a WW2 documentary that indicated spaghetti carbonara was first made by the liberated Italians because American soldiers gave them eggs and bacon which were previously hoarded by the Germans.

I ate a dish invented in my lifetime and I thought I was being adventurous.

The next time I am going to order bruschetta pasta rockcrok.

And did you know there are around 7,500 varieties of tomato's.

I eat one.

and it's red.

from a post 6-25-15

Steve the Cat Has Something to Say

2016-02-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

Hi again.....it is I...Steve the Cat.

Or should I say it is me Steve the Cat?

Remember English is my second language. You will need to pardon what you may perceive as grammatical errors.

Now I'm confused.

Are confused and Confucius homophones?

Yesterday I was sitting on my Curious Cat Perch in the computer room looking over Chucks shoulder when he took a Facebook quiz. It was about plural words. He thought he was so smart when he got an A.

"Most people struggled with this quiz – but not you! We’re not sure if you’re a writer, or just a grammar aficionado, but you absolutely dominated this quiz! Great job!"

Big deal....he went to school.

He should know the plural of ox is oxen not oxes.

He is an ass....or is it asses?

English is a rather complicated language. Cat is much easier and so basic.

We say "Meow" which means pet me, play with me, feed me and leave me alone. You could say "Meow" is a homophone.

Pleural and plural are homophones.

I heard him complaining about something yesterday and I'm thinking he should just stop. He could be one of the 100 million people freezing in the Siberian Express.

He could be the cat hiding in our backyard waiting to pounce on unsuspecting birdies.

I could be the cat hiding in the backyard waiting to pounce on unsuspecting birdies. But they don't let me go outside alone, ever.

Talk about humiliating.

My Mom takes me out on the patio in nice weather and makes me wear a harness....a harness. Not even a collar and leash like a foul and smelly hound but a real harness, the kind you would put on a little kid. It has strap like things that go around my legs.....by the way, did you watch the dog show the other night?

Big Freaking Deal.....The 139th Westminster Dog Show, the second longest running 'sporting event' in the world. It's second to that spectacle where overpriced and over prized beasts of burden run around an oval, the Kentucky Derby.

And a bagel...oops, sorry... a beagle won Best in Show...a Snoopy dog, can you believe that? She beat a cousin of President Obama's dog and a shit-zoo owned by Patty Hearst.

How times change.

I heard Patty Hearst called a famed American heiress. At a fancy New York dog show in 2015 she is an heiress. Forty one years ago in San Francisco she was a bank robbing domestic terrorist. Yes, I am aware of Stockholm Syndrome, I have relatives there. You ever hear of the Lynx?

And get this, the beagle dog that won...they call her Miss P.

Miss P, whose registered name is "Ch Tashtins Looking for Trouble," is actually a nickname dubbed by a judge who asked about her name during a puppy class, her handler (she has a handler) Will Alexander said. "I said 'Payton,' and he said, 'The Devine Miss P.'"

"Ch Tashtins Looking for Trouble"...what a name. And Ch means champion..how pretentious.

My name is Steve.....just Steve. You can remember that, right? It's kind of like Bond....James Bond.

On formal occasions I go by Steve the Cat.

I think it is about time for a super duper fancy cat show to look at on television.

A few nights ago I was watching a nature program with Mom and Chuck. I especially enjoyed the antics of the prairie dogs and was totally into it until a snake slithered in one of the burrows and grabbed and ate a baby.

I do not like watching animals eat each other. I would think that you would not like watching people eat each other but I know Zombie things like movies, books and television shows are very popular.

Don't say anything because I know he feels bad but Chuck hurt himself yesterday.

The delivery man stopped here and brought two boxes. They are now out in the garage and stupid Sparky who is still living in there will probably ignore them. I would go out there and play but it's too cold. If my poop and pee box were in a more civilized place, like the back bathroom, I would never go in the garage.

I don't understand why Mom and Chuck get two separate warm rooms to go in and I have a box in the garage.

They got a floor lamp and I got a fancy new kitty condo (I showed you a picture).

So after he put the lamp together I watched him reach under some furniture to plug it in. He has been on this Fitbit weight loss obsession and is now so thin he must have bruised his ribs and maybe even his pleura when he plopped down on the floor because I heard some very bad words. It was only his left pleura so it's not plural pleura. Last night Mom told him he needs to put some muscle on (for padding I guess) and he laughed and said he has old mans chest.

Now it hurts when he breathes. If I could talk I'd tell him to stop but I need him around to put food in my bowl in the afternoon.

He is not going to a doctor or emergency room because he went to nursing school and thinks he is so smart. I don't understand how he worked with people all those years and he doesn't know enough to clip my nails once every other month. He will not clip my nails but he bitches about me clicking on the floor.

But Chuck knows a doctor will poke him, order an X-ray and give him pain pills.

This morning I watched him take some Ibuprofen.

If it was me I'd hit the nip.

from a post 2-19-2015

How to Deal with a Mouse in the House

2016-02-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

If a new car is in your future you may want to wait for this. Coming to you from India.

The Tata Nano was introduced in 2009 and sells for about $2,500 in other parts of the world. It will need to be fully redesigned to meet U.S. emissions and safety standards. It also will be upgraded to include some basic convenience features such as heat and cup holders.

Don't know why it needs a heater? Cup holders, of course.

While on a cruise I noticed the handle of Wanda's brush glows in the dark. Why? You can find it but can't see to use it unless you turn on a light.

We had a little excitement here.

You may know we have three cats of our own and Silvia, the constant visitor. They are creatures of habit so when they exhibit strange behavior I pay attention. Actually Wanda noticed it first, Steve was spending a lot of time in front of the refrigerator. After checking a few places I discovered some mouse droppings in the garage. We had a mouse, and a stupid mouse at that. What kind of a mouse goes into a house with four cats?

We talked about our options, various traps and such, we decided to call our pest control company in the morning. I was hoping one of the kitties would find the damn thing and be done with it. Honestly, I doubted that would happen. Casper is much too old, Dakota is half blind as well as too old. Silvia was unconcerned and Steve is a tad overweight and slow.

I'm a wuss. The thought of using any type of trap bothered me.

Since we didn't know the There's a Mouse in the House protocol, we improvised. I moved things away from the walls in the garage, that's about it. We couldn't think of anything else to do so we went to bed.

I woke up around six, Wanda was getting ready to exercise using the Wii. She told me Steve had spent the morning staring at a wall in the bedroom. He was looking between a bookcase and a table. Both the pieces are slightly raised, maybe two inches off the floor.

Slowly I moved the furniture away from the wall. Then, with flashlight at the ready, I got down on my hands and knees. I didn't see anything under the table but when I looked under the bookcase I saw a large mouse in the far corner. He looked very uncomfortable.

I kept the light on the mouse while I took everything off the bookcase. I got Wanda, a broom, a large plastic bucket, a plastic bag, and 2 cats.

We formed a plan of attack.

We took two throw rugs off the floor and put the two cats on it. I was going to slide the bookcase out of the bedroom. I thought the mouse would stay under it. Where I was going and what I would do when I got there wasn't clear. Not a great plan, I admit. Before starting I had one request of Wanda, "Please, do not scream like a little girl, you know you'll want to."

Very slowly, I moved the bookcase a few inches. The cats ran out of the room, the mouse ran out of the bookcase and the room. Wanda screamed like a little girl then chased the mouse down the hall. The front door was open the screen door was closed, which stopped the mouse. Wanda flung the screen door open and the mouse ran out of the house.

Two cats were perched on their cat condo watching.

I thought I heard one of them laughing.

from an original post 10/30/2012

One Way of Dealing with the High Cost of Pills

2016-02-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

Wheaten City, Illinois: This small city just west of Chicago was rocked last Thursday when thirty-eight seniors from the Monarch Landing Retirement Center went missing.

After a challenging and emotionally fraught twenty-four hours the nearly 58,000 citizens of Wheaten are breathing a collective sigh of relief.

Charge Nurse Florida Slotsky discovered the missing residents while on her evening rounds. "I was doing my medication and bed checks at 9 o'clock when I found a lot of empty rooms, like there must have been a dozen or more, she said. I'd been on vacation but we've never had that many die in a week." Slotsky who was visibly upset added, "Usually to make sure they're alive I've got to go in the room and shake 'em a little but these people were just gone, vanished."

When investigators arrived they discovered thirty-two empty apartments. A total of thirty-eight people between the ages of 68 and 82 disappeared without a trace, without a sound. Several remaining occupants were questioned but they didn't hear anything suspicious. Many didn't hear the questions.

After the initial search of the buildings Police Chief Vincent "Vinnie" Tollis said, "It's like they were abducted by aliens. There is absolutely no trace of them anywhere. It's going to be light soon so we'll save some batteries and begin a grid search in the morning. After all, if they did make a mass break they won't get much farther in three hours. A number of them use walkers."

At first light Friday several hundred began to search the surrounding property. Three hours later volunteers from the Sunshine Community Garden reached the nearest school, which was a mile away, where a police officer was taking a report from the custodian about a missing school bus. "I don't believe in coincidence, he said. Two and two make four and if I have a stolen bus and a missing group, something is rotten in Denmark."

After further investigation an APB for a large yellow school bus with Kings County Coyote's stenciled on each side was broadcast to the tri-state area. Within hours a vehicle matching that description was stopped at the Wisconsin Canadian border. When searched the group from Wheaten was discovered unharmed, in great spirits and playing bingo.

Harry Tanner, the group spokesperson and bus driver said, "We were on our way to Ontario to pick up a load of medication. You know we can save as much as 75% by going over there. I thought it was about time we organized a field trip. I'm 78-years-old but I drove an Amtrak bus for 40-years. I know my way around a sick-shift."

Sanford Lawrence added, "Do you have any idea what the cost of Viagra is? I may be getting on in years and need some help but I like sex as much as the next guy." The Affordable Health Care Act helped some with the cost but still, it's close to $20 a pill and I have to buy a minimum of ten pills. Now that may be a month for some guys but for me it's not even a week. At this rate I'd spend less money paying a hooker by the hour."

It wasn't all men and it wasn't all about the sex. Most of the group went for regular maintenance medication like blood pressure, cholesterol and blood thinners to name a few. "It's a real shame we worked all our lives and now we have to sneak over to another country in order to afford this, mussed Millie Cooper. A lot of my friends go on those Caribbean and Mexico cruises and buy cheap meds. Hell, if I had the money for a cruise I wouldn't be on this toilet-less bus wearing depends."

Many of the older citizens were discussing their situation and how difficult it is. "Ordering on-line is hard, said one. Only a few of us have computers and even less know how to run them without calling their grandchildren. So we all got together and decided to go on this field trip. It's only two-hundred-twenty-miles to the border. We played games, sang songs, brought water and snacks. It felt good to get out for a while. I guess we're going to get in trouble for this one."

The group was detained for a short time then put on trains for the four hour ride back. Shortly after arrival their safe return was broadcast on local news. Reporter Suzie Sandstone began a grassroots effort to help raise awareness of the situation. "I'm going to do everything I can to make sure people my grandparents' age never need to sneak out for anything like this again."

Suzie formed the Willing Wheaten Wonders a non-profit organization to eradicate the financial worries of area seniors. The mission statement of W.W.W. is "If your fixed income is broken we will repair it." Suze, as she is known around town says, "We're starting small with medical necessities but hope to include food, clothing and eventually trips to the Ho-Chunk North Indian Casino in Whittenburg, Wisconsin. They have contributed so much to our cause."

Now that the potential horror has been assuaged the town of Wheaten returned to a slow and idyllic normality. Couples are strolling through the large town square park enjoying the warm summer evenings. Children are running through the water fountains and playing on the swings. Young couples are sitting on blankets sharing wine and cheese while listening to live music. And the residents of the Monarch Landing Retirement Center are watching Wheel of Fortune and clapping along with Vanna White.

But change may be on the way.

Harry added a closing thought, "Just because we're old doesn't mean we weren't young once. We remember how it was and now that we have the time, well, why not have a little fun. Like Chuckles the Clown said, "'A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.'"

originally posted June 11, 2014

Happy Holiday to You

2015-12-24T10:12:00.000-08:00

Hi there,

Happy End of Year.

I've not been writing much but have been trying to keep in touch on Facebook through Steve the Cat. He wanted me to say hello to you all.

If the weather is decent I have been walking through the neighborhood. I must look like a thug. The other day a fellow on the next block thought it important to tell me (the) "Cops went that way," as he gestured down the side street on the next block. I couldn't see or hear him very well.

I am a big threat.

I am now four weeks post-op on my left (second eye). I spent the first three weeks 'seeing' the side of the new lens. It looked like a long hair was in my peripheral vision. I spoke with the doctor. He said about 10% of his patients have this phenomenon, it will go away, my eye will heal and I should "Try not to think about it."

Ya right.

I am happy to report that has subsided. Except for the first few minutes after waking the long hair is now a mere eyelash. Although it does seem to move and float around a lot. I try not to think about it.

Ya right.

The situation does have its advantages. The other evening a small moth was flying around the living room and I didn't think about it.

I'm Smiling

2015-12-07T10:06:00.000-08:00

It's Chuck.

I have been trying very hard to appreciate what I do have rather than feeling blue about what I don't.

I have a photo of Steve the Cat because it's rare when he smiles.

Saturday morning I went to the grocery store with Wanda.

I couldn't see the expiration dates which I think is important.

I couldn't see the prices which is not.

It really doesn't matter.

You want it or you don't and in either case whatever it is will probably be too expensive anyway.

There is a guarantee on a particular brand of toilet paper. OK, am I the only person who thinks that is crazy?

"Hello, this paper was flimsy and I would like my money back."

What portion do you return?

I intensely dislike people who litter.

Sunday morning I bought a pair of reading glasses. Wanda took me to the Dollar Store. We had four items. One check stand was open. We were behind a woman who spent $65.

There are certain advantages for never being in a hurry.

By the way...I now understand why people wear half-glasses and neck chains.

She said. "Keys please."
He heard. Steve's here.

Get a Hobby.

2015-12-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

Right.

Steve the Cat eats, sleeps and poops in a box.

I loved to read, write, watch movies and decent television programs.

I can't freaking see well.

The font of my Kindle is set so large it shows forty-eight words per page. I turn (as you probably know you don't actually turn Kindle pages) so fast the words blur. I have no patience. I want to know the story and characters before I finish the free sample. I hate spending money on Kindles I lose interest in. I was never bothered spending on real books, if nothing else I could give them away.

Maybe if and when I start driving again I will spend time at the local library. I do have a card.

People suggested books on tape. Oops, I am showing my age. I meant recorded books. All well and good but I can't stay awake past the credits.

New films just don't interest me. Every man needs a shave and beats the crap out of people.

What happened to the Golden Rule?

There is a long article on the World Wide Web entitled, "How to say no to your kids at the checkout.".....You'll be surprised at the money you save.

How about NO?

I am consistently touching wrong keys on everything that requires touching. Computer. Kindle, Stupid-Smart phone. It would help if I would just slow down and look, but no. I still think it's 2001.

Is that a comma or a period?
The question mark I can see.

Get a hobby.

What, now?

Do you have one? What do you do and when did you start doing it?