Cinantya

dont get involved

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Oct 2024 07:04:00 +0000

I talked to my therapist couple of weeks ago. I was questioning my sanity when I felt like everyone around me are drama. The fake tears. The social media posting to validate feelings. To questionable sadness. To insensitive people. To absurd statements. To those who can feel the spirit.

The last 6 weeks were traumatic. I cant really say how or why or where, fearing that what I write will make people offended. But after talking with my therapist, I realised, that sometimes, it's not you that need the closure. It's not you who needs the drama. It's not you who need to validate the feeling. I know my feeling. I know my actions has been consistent with what I have in mind. I know I chose to step away from whatever I think is unnecessary. I know that I dont (want to) get involved.

It was really bizzare for me looking at the dynamics of people's emotions and interactions. From the people that thinks that pretending things arent happend and saying things with a smile will make me forget what they did. From the people who tried to justify to me why they did things the way they do (unfortunately I dont care for this event). To all the risk and possible drama in the future. It was bizzare, and I dont understand why I have to be stuck there for 6 weeks.

The recovery and healing from that bizzare 6 weeks maybe long. Above the drama, I was still sleep deprived, constant agitation, sick, aching body, and swearing under my breath. I'm cursing the people causing me this. I do.

Solo travel - Bowral

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 24 Sep 2023 23:41:00 +0000

So, i decided to give myself a gift of solo traveling.

I just realised how i missed it. I dont have to please anyone, or compromise, or workout a schedule for anyone. I walk, eat, sleep, by myself. No pressure.

Enjoyed some flowers, and walked a lot.

I know i said i went to Bowral, but I stayed in Moss Vale. Took a ticketed train instead of the normal train. A good choice because rail maintenance was ongoing on the weekend i was there.

I was annoyed that the bus from Moss Vale to Bowral and to Berrima was cash paid rather than opal. Lucky i have money in my wallet.

I should do this again soon.

cooling the rage

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 26 Mar 2023 21:42:00 +0000

It was only the last couple of years I realised that one of the source of many of my insecurities rooted from my childhood. Initially, I wasn’t going to write this down here, but after scrolling back my postings years back, I realised that it does help, no matter how good, bad or not-important it seems. So I decided to tell a short story here.

Couple of days ago, my mum complained about a fighting couple that she witnessed. She complained that it made her uncomfortable and insist that they should not do that (plus other concerns, of course). Then, she blurted out her remarks that she never done that with her spouse, particularly she tried to control it in front of her children.

I immediately feel the rage inside me.

I was thinking, she’s not the best example, and I won’t use her as a good example. Sorry to say, but NO.

While I was raging, I quickly realised that I was triggered and had to cool down and manage my response rather than being reactive. So I told my mum that what she does is not the best example either, and that each action (my mom vs the couple) had plus and minus. However, it doesnt mean that what she does was better. All the while my brain was screaming “how dear you”.

That was hard. I am still very triggered if the comment about my house and my food. So what I did seems like a step forward. But it still take a lot of work.

Here we are, all the millenials with childhood trauma.

My gratitude for today

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 26 Mar 2023 03:46:00 +0000

I would not say for today, but as it was less than 24 hours, let’s consider it the same day.

Had a video call with the person which I had loved for years (decades, actually) yesterday. I know I can always ask for logical reasoning with this person. Whenever I am unsure about my choice, I can challenge my idea by discussing it with him. This is probably why it was hard for me to move on and find anyone else more interesting than him.

To my satisfaction, yes we discussed quite lengthy and talk about the challenges and pros/cons. In the end, I knew my idea was correct. But also, I was grateful for being able to love him, but not as intense as it was. Does maturity finally take over, or maybe I was just giving up?

I’m unsure.

But it feels nice not to feel overwhelmed with the feeling. Don’t get me wrong. I still love this beautiful human. And if he asks me to run to his place, I would. Yet, I don’t feel much jealousy, i don’t feel much obsession, as I usually was. Perhaps, I am accepting the fate that eventhough he is the most ideal (I won’t say perfect, as he’s not), we may not meant for each other. *shrugs

I am grateful, that after all the decades, I finally reach this state.

It’s a good thing, because I feel like I can meet other men without actually comparing them to him. Which then never satisfy me.

I’m good.

You are not being professional

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 08 Mar 2023 13:34:00 +0000

So maybe not many of you know that COVID lockdown and restriction had induced anxiety and depression on me. I would not say that the lockdown caused it, but more to something that happened during the lockdown. I still feel lost, and I still feel like I am trying to walk away from this situation. But I felt my current condition is already so mc better.

To pull myself out, I seek help from the professional. But from the numbers of people I went to see, I wasnt feeling satisfied at all. They attempted to gave me tools, but I don’t feel like i can use them. I felt like I had no progress. However, on the very last session, the session that I promised myself to be the last if i felt that I dont feel any progress, I somehow clicked and sort of find a way to understand that whatever I felt was not entirely coming from me. I became depressed and anxious from how my campus team treat me unprofessionally. I felt like some of the people were incompetence in dealing with me and they were lack of empathy. I realised, that if the case happened in professional environment, these people’s behaviour was unacceptable. It’s not like the have the most success in the world. They are probably good in one side of the industry, but then I think… they would not survive under “normal” circumstances. After giving a long thought, they are not professional in many occasion.

Around he same time as when I was thinking of that, one of the person in the campus peer was trying to find a way out. With the general over glorified PhD status in Australia, I have to say that I am still holding my strong opinion about the post graduate degree: It is still best if you have a working experience before you do any of the post graduate degree. Not a mere 1 year work. More. I feel like, you know you direction better in career when you have a professional experience. Anyways, education is a career investment. Meanwhile, I silently think that the exiting person will have a lot of difficulty in getting the job. I tried to help, but seems that the person became defensive after one of their attempt failed. Then again, I realise, they live in their bubble.

Back to the moment when I was talking with my therapist. I was on a better position, more due to reduced workload from changing my work. I have better confidence because I know I am good at work. I feel like “home” with what I do. I was also continuously on my physio rehab, I accepted myself more, my limitation and my abilities. It came in my mind… I dont need their recognisition. I dont need their approvals. I dont care. It’s no like they are the best people to follow. They were a part of my life once, but now we are not sync anymore and that’s ok. It’s ok for me to put boundary that I prefer not to be with them anymore, that’s my choice. I dont have to maintain being nice and getting them appeased, no use for me. Why bother spending my energy?

Funnily, I met with other people that had worked with the same people, and the person said the exact same thing as my opinion: “Lack of empathy”. In their world, yes they are successful. In their bubble. I decided to pop my bubble and leave. I have enough, especially when I am continuously looked down upon.

You’re not being professional, and I decided that’s not ok. I decided to leave, and that’s ok. I dont need your approvals, and that’s ok.

Downpour

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 21 Feb 2023 08:21:00 +0000

I was lazy this afternoon. I had long day preparing for my presentation on thurs. Barely had done it, and unhappy. Then, i couldnt decide if i want to go for my dance class in the city. The sky looked grey and quite sure rain gonna pour at any time.

Wasnt feeling social and disappointed with the comms i have with people today. Anti-social, and somehow missing my time when i was living in SG and Jakarta. I feel more independent. If i want to go and do something, I just go. Movies, shows, food… of course i have some friends i usually go with, but i felt i “achieved” more back then. Maybe i should do that :p. Be more selfish and self-centered. Maybe the source of my anxiety is partially because i kept thinking i should please people around me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Speaking of downpour, i am glad i decided to leave the house. It was raining really hard. But i figured out that i still like walking in the rain. Of course, i was prepared. I wore sandals and shorts :p. But still, it’s nice to know that i have some parts that didnt change.

Secret happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 08 Feb 2023 11:07:00 +0000

My secret small happiness is pooping.

I am serious. Ahahaha…

No more patience

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 20:28:00 +0000

So yesterday, i realised how i have no more patience towards stupidity.

The story was, i was loaded at work and barely have time to work on other things. I found this pair of human who did exactly what I despise: questioning my knowledge and ability, when they are clearly not even good at what I do. Instead of doing what I have requested, they ask around and trying to find a way of how not to do them. In addition, whenever I show that there are mistakes, they always talk back with “because… because…”. I dont care why. Just do what I say. I don’t have time to listen the yapping, just stfu and move on.

I lost patience. Enough is enough. If you dont want to help me (which what they supposed to do), maybe out of my way and dont waste my time.

I’ve thought of it overnight, and I think I am firm that I do not need any help.

Throw back to couple of months ago, when my previous job gave me an assistant who think they are better and more knowledgable than me (or any other senior staff, actually). I was one of the first to gave up. I knew something was off within the first 2 weeks. Drove me mad. I took another newbie and this one learn better.

Maybe i have no patience in arrogance. Maybe I have no patience in people not capable of doing their job. It’s an admin job, how hard could that be? But I guess, this is when I could not understand how their mind works. So I am back at: if you cant help me, get out of my way.

Digging grave

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Jan 2023 10:15:00 +0000

I was talking today with an acquaintance from work. They were talking about this person, let’s just call them A. A had mixed feelings for me, they hate and like me (as person, not as lover) at the same time. But the way A was talking bad about me was so bad, that the acquaintance was not feeling comfortable hearing it.

I am amazed.

I am always amazed on how people can really hate me. Not that i am unhappy about it. A or anyone else can feel hatred as much as they want. I am just amazed that I was that important, or producing such impact, to actually make people hate me. What did I do? (More like laughing than concern).

Same feeling as when that classmate back in uni suddenly voiced out protest of me being around the himpunan (sort of school’s student group that I refused to join, for many reasons XD). For me, it was simply because the other group-mates were there to discuss, so I was there. But they made it as if i made a political statement. I was confused and honored, what did i do to deserve such ruckus dedicated for my presence XD.

Anyways, A dug their own grave, as they have less friends (for that habit of bad mouthing). But at the same time, I need to question myself on my ability in judging people true intention. I didn’t know that A had bad intention. I was too trusting. Something to note to myself, that I need to check people and be more careful about what I say and who I trust. Otherwise, I am also digging grave.

Indeed, I dont remember I ever HATE someone so badly. And while I am typing this, i remember some of the people I blatantly dislike XD. Like my office nemesis back in 2015-2018, or the staff that backstabbed me and runaway from office disciplinary act (I hope you got your karma). Those group of people that just impossible to deal with logically (never under estimate the power of a group of stupid people ahahahah). I also remember the ex-friend that we break up when they clearly have no intention to match my friendship effort. I don even hate them, i just dont care about them and prefer them not to exist in my life anymore.

Hatred?

… i don remember any a the moment. I have to remember to write that down if I have one.

The hope

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Jan 2023 09:51:00 +0000

At the beginning of the year, again, i made a promise that I will write more. Yet, 2 weeks in and I barely write anything. So many things that I want to say but i barely have time to do it. Or maybe I didn't make the time.

I've been seeing therapist for the last couple of months. But I didn't feel like I am being helped in any way. I didn't see how their method is going to bring me out of my current misery. It's really hard to feel better when you still feel that you are fully shattered. It’s hard to see how to get to the end of the light. Contradicting how normal people would do, which probably by staying in therapy program, I decided to leave it. I’ll return to writing for myself. I’ll try to live for myself and being selfish, as I felt like I have exhausted myself for other people, and fulfilling their expectation.

The hope is, i’ll get better. Hoping that future me will feel better, by reading what I wrote today. Just as I feel better when I read my previous self wrote things in the past.

Pieces

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 03 Nov 2022 13:50:00 +0000

How many months have passed and I still picking up the shattered pieces of me.

I’m tired.

Reluctant

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 18 Apr 2022 22:54:00 +0000

Stressful.

I need to submit my reviewed thesis, but somehow i am so reluctant to work on it. Perhaps, I didn't feel like I wrote the piece? I know if I finish this, I can immediately have my "freedom". But I felt stressed whenever I have to touch it.

Last sunday, I went in for work and met my friend who I haven't been seeing since maybe July 2021. So many things that we had to catch up on. She told me she went into another sad depression after she lost her cat weeks back. Then she barely went online. While she was telling me her story, we cried together in the middle of the studio. I can feel her sadness, as I was also reminded of the loss of Ujang. The grief that never went away. Almost 4 years, and I still tear up when I remember him.

There are so many things that I wish did not happen. I updated her too how I had a major broken heart and how I was so detached with myself. I can still act as normal. Namun, gw kayak lagi menahan tembok runtuh. The anger to myself for letting these things happen (again). Marah juga sama orangnya, sambil jerit dalam hati "how dare you".

How dare you.

It will take some time to heal this. There will be more tears to shed. But I will get over this.

Just keep moving

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 26 Sep 2021 23:24:00 +0000

I have been thinking to note down why I kept moving while I am living in Sydney. In the past 3 years, I've been changing place averagely 6 months.

2113-1

The first place I was in, cost me $210 per week excluding electricity. The room in an apartment was spacious, but I lived with 2 housemates (couple). I decided to move out because I felt it was too expensive, and that I felt unfair. I barely at home and used electricity, but I paid the same amount as they are. I remember one time the electricity went over the roof (almost $1000 a month).

Another reason was it's not as free. I can't come home late and use the bathroom because one of the housemate is light sleeper. And because of that, the other housemate didn't flush at night because the person didn't want to wake the other. I always use the bathroom first in the morning... and I hate that I have to flush someone else's pee. Also, the non-light sleeper sleeps in the sofa at night, so if I come in, I'll definitely wake the person. So yeah... I moved after 6 months.

2113-2

Moved just a block away. It's a townhouse, 2 storey, and very very clean. I have 3 housemates, an uncle and his nephew, and a german student. I have to pay $200 excluding bill. I can only say that the house was the only housemates that I made friends with. Everyone knows their duty, and if you see anything dirty, you'll clean it up. My room was half the size of the previous room, but I didn't mind.

The first 8 months were probably the best months. Things changed weird when new housemate came in replacing the German. He likes to bring his friends. He didn't clean. Coming home intoxicated heavily. Never locked the keys. Left his room heater on for days even when he was not in the room. He was home during office hours. Weirdly, our stuff got moved, or missing regularly. Weird stuff, like Uncle's bath towel, my scrubbing towel, and my last streak was my keys along with my cards. I moved out the day I realised it was gone.

We voiced our concern about the weird guy multiple time to the owner, but I think the owner didn't care. She dare to charge me the last month, eventhough I told her that I don't feel safe that the other guy who lives there were weird. You have no idea how much curse I muttered under my breath. Karma (partially) got her. After I left, the house was left at the weirdo's care cos everyone went for holiday. When they got back... the house was dirty beyond belief, trashed, the key for post box was missing, and I don't know what else. Horror. Lucky I wasnt there.

2122-1

Same type of townhouse, same room size but with built in wardrobe. Cost me $190 inclusive all bills. Immediately after I moved in, something was wrong. We were supposed to be 4 people per house, but one of the guy there invited his girlfriend to move in. So it's 5 people in one house. The first week I was there, I cleaned the bathroom, garden and rearranged the messy kitchen. Imagine everything is everywhere. You open a cabinet, and you find pan, plate, fork, juice box, and pasta. You open another cabinet and you find same thing.

The first few weeks was meh. They kept on leaving plates on the drying rack, even after the rack was full. Things are moving again eventhough they have been organised properly. Like... rice should be in carbs cabinet, not in beverage cabinet. Plate should be in plate cabinet, not in pans. And so on. The girlfriend's hair is everywhere in the bathroom. I'm tired of cleaning them, so I complained. They (at least) attempting to comply.

Indeed it means a bit of freedom, I can come home anytime, cook anytime (I barely cook tho). BUT... they all 4 are even worse. Partying or inviting people over until 4 am in the morning. I dunno how I can manage to stay for a year in this house. Maybe because of covid hit on the third month I was there. Also because the house is super super super close with campus (walking distance close). I've also been complaining about the hoard in the house from stuff that didn't belong to any of us. It was finally removed in October (I moved in December or January). But... some incident that I thought was illogical happened at home. Like they warmed something in the microwave and it burned inside the microwave. Few days after, one of the guys install a gas stove on top of the electric stove, and only lined with aluminium foil + pan. The gas was on the floor but the gas hose was right next to the electric stove. The fact that they are not careful enough with microwave and now installing gas stove made me scared. I decided to move out.

It was also so funny that when during covid, the guy and the girlfriend were locking themselves inside their room. They refuse to be in contact with everyone else. However, the other 2 guys were inviting people in during lockdown. Not exactly partying but they were loud and drinking alcohol. One of the night, I think one of their friend was super drunk that he vomited in the living room. Nice. Lucky I don't have to clean it. To be honest, I think maybe they are just early 20s who are not that good in house keeping. If I don't have to deal with their daily mess (including fridge), I might be nicer to them. But no, I come home, go to my room, and try not to interact as much with them.

2122-2

Compared to the mess in previous house, this house is so much better. At least, when I am in the bathroom, I don't have to pick up hairs from other people. But within the first month I was in, I realise that this house is another no. Laundry and kitchen hours were made so strict that even when I go home at 9-10 pm, I feel uneasy to use boiling kettle, because the owner will open her door and giving the look. I never cook when I was in this house. Can you imagine that.

The room was nice, but I have to put all my stuff in my room. ALL. including kitchen stuff. And extra beddings that I am not using (i have my own pillow and sheets). The room was ok (except for the creaking floor) and I have enough space (amazingly). I paid $150 weekly for the room, inclusive of bills. However, next door house's kitchen is just a few meters away from my window and they are really loud.

I decided to move out because I feel that if I have to tiptoe and rush whenever I need to go around the house and doing laundry, this is not right. I moved out after approximately 6 months. I also did not interact with other people in the house much. Only with the owner (me, being friendly) and

2122-3

This is the current place I am now. I would say I got lucky. A spacious room with own bathroom cost me $180 weekly inclusive of electricity. So far, I found things annoyed me already. I've been living here for 4 months and wondering when will my patience run out.

One of the housemate is, let's just say, quite annoying. I don't like being questioned, and whenever I see the him, he either asking questions with assumptions in mind (whatever my answer, he already have assumed an answer in his head), or scolding me over tiny things (like not wiping the washing basin after use, saying exaggeratedly that water was everywhere on the floor. If you know me, you know I don't spill water to the floor, not even a drop). I got lazy and avoid the person as much as I can. However, do note that I didn't complain that he speaks loudly everyday, he snores and his TV is on al night, and that he kept on inviting his friend once-twice a week during lockdown, even when the regulation already stated that no guests at home. The other housemate was fine, it's just weird that the kitchen is used 2-3 hours a day for him to cook stuff.

I like the place, honestly. I have enough-ish space (the cupboard is a bit small, but I have all my stuff in my room and within reach). I am responsible for the cleanliness of the bathroom (which is clean, by the way). But for example, if I take a nap on daytime and the loud housemate is home, I won't be able to rest. At night, by the time I am going to sleep, I have to live with the noise and snore and have to use earbuds to sleep.

Mad

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 18 Sep 2021 10:39:00 +0000

If you search "Billie speaks" in youtube or instagram, you'll find a cat that can communicate with human using buttons that says word. His fave word is "Mad".

Me too, have been mad lately. I am not even sure why I am mad.

Maybe...

I am mad because I dont feel the psychologist helped me in anyway.

I am mad because I cant concentrate well.

I am mad because whenever I see comments in my manuscript, I got mad.

I am mad because a lot of people protesting of lockdown and vaccination.

I am mad because a lot of people abuse other people.

I am mad because I can't utter my thoughts to the people I like.

I am mad because I've been screaming for few months, but then shut down and told that "you should distract yourself with your thesis."

I am mad that we don't have vaccine for stupidity.

I am mad with people.

I understand that I am still mentally unhealthy. I'm not at my 100%. I don't even know what game am I playing by pretending that I am ok. I'm still sad most of the time. And my response is flight, and it's really hard to control that while I still have to write my thesis. One side of me patting me and say "I believe you and I know you can do it." But the other side is screaming out of frustration.

Everyone who says "you're doing great" makes me feel worse, because i don't feel I am doing any good at all. It's so substandard. Feeling of whipping myself why aren't you doing better. At the same time I can't concentrate and I can't work and then it became a vicious cycle where I keep on blaming myself for not doing better.

I was asked, "why do you need to work so hard? do you think that you need to work this hard?"

I answered, "I thought as a female in a society, we are expected to work harder to get the same result."

because I still think that is true.

it's gone when it's time

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 13 Sep 2021 11:48:00 +0000

when i was working today, I can't wait to go home and write here.

But now that I am, I can't remember what was my idea.

After a hot 30C day yesterday, today was windy and 19C. I went out with just a thin leggings and short sleeved shirt + polyester sweatshirt. Barely enough.

I have so many idea about what I want to write in the future...

the never ending gap of male and female

the post-colonialisation gap

what's with me and mental health

and many more...

Jumanji

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 13 Sep 2021 09:28:00 +0000

Rewatching Jumanji (the robin williams version).

It was so much in the past. But it's still a good movie.

carrot for me

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 07 Sep 2021 13:46:00 +0000

Sorry if it seems I posted a lot lately... it's my coping mechanism through this stress and anxiety.

I promised myself lists of things that I'll do after I finish this things. I saw memes saying that:

"I'm gonna treat myself" -- me (who has rarely, if ever, denied myself anything)

I felt like that is not what happened to me. I barely treat myself things. Last thing that I bought as a gift for myself was several sets of pole wear bought on xmas sale last year. Other times? I bought second hand, as cheap as I can. I'd even think 10 times before buying anything, actually. Thinking that it's either I don't have space, or I don't have the justification to buy them. Or just can't justify the waste/environmentally friendly.

Now... let me list down these justifications and the carrot/reward:

weaving loom - if I can spin 500 grams of yarn

more fiber or yarn - if I finish working 500 grams of yarn on loom or knitting

bendy kate book - if I can do my rehab from chiro/physio properly and consistently for 3 months in a row

yoga/exercise membership/new equipment - if I can commit 5 times weekly exercise of the targeted yoga/exercise

craft class - if I can still save 25% earnings

disney+ or paramount 1 month membership - if I completed organising my personal data

buying new bodysuit - if I can reduce my wardrobe by 10% (clothing)

more body suit/pole attire/lingerie/clothing - losing weight back to 55kg

other carrots that I haven't decide what's the justifications are:

- new platform heels

confusion - oh my belly

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 07 Sep 2021 11:48:00 +0000

The last couple of months been very testing for my belly.

It's really hard to eat stuff without feeling blockage in my chest. I've been complaining about this to my GP and he finally start to check it with several tests 2 weeks ago. I haven't had the update though. His test includes H.pylori, which made me overthink for quite sometime.

Anyways...

back to when I was doing my low carb diet, i feel like these issues barely happen. Bloating and stuffed feeling. I remember I was eating salad monday to friday, and weekends are for cheats. I usually made my own salad dressing, and damn I forgot the recipe. I only remember it has honey, mustard, apple cider vinegar and 1 more thing (balsamic vinegar?). I swear it was so good.

Let's see what the GP says... I'm waiting for his call in the next few days.

Running thoughts - jumbled mind

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 12:00:00 +0000

Sometimes I'm losing patience when my thoughts are jumping around.

writing a sentence for my thesis and my brain said...

"you have postponed organising your photos and videos for ages."

"I have to work on this."

"so when are you going to do that?"

a song came up, one of my fave chorey song.

decided to open the video in my phone.

decided to post it.

writing this blog.

"we're so fucked up."

"we are."

"no. you are."

Week 10 in extended lockdown

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 02 Sep 2021 09:47:00 +0000

Just 18 days left to thesis submission in this sad lockdown... LOL.

I can't wait to finish, but at the same time my brain doesn't seem to cooperate. Too tired. Unable to focus. I'd rather be elsewhere. I'd rather be doing something else. But even spending time doing something else, like writing this blog, makes me feel guilty and I felt more incompetent.

I think i gained 5 kg from beginning of lockdown. Haven't been exercising at all for 2 weeks. being anti-social. obsessive.

all i can think of is what i want to do after I submitted my drafts.

getting a weaving loom.

spinning more yarn

trying out more type of wool

knit more stuff

fix my food and losing weight

secretly hoping for a date

getting subscription on disney+ and marquee tv

exercise

and funnily,

i still want to extend my meta-analysis

i still want to do network analysis

fucked up brain indeed.

6 weeks in Sydney (extended) lockdown 2.0

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 08:22:00 +0000

I failed.

I tried to write more for this blog and I failed. Seems like I am drowned on my mundane phdlyfe and just forget about what my mind actually needed.

2020 probably the hardest year for everyone, where covid hits and most of the world came into lockdown.

I was lucky. I was in Australia, and other than real lockdown for 3 weeks that I experienced, I was back into the wild (read: campus). Working my delayed research.

Being in Sydney, I'd say I was lucky. Sydney was lucky. Or maybe because this government has funding and can afford the expensive route. Most people returned to half free-covid life in July 2020 from lockdown in March 2020. With a glitch here and there, the restrictions were 99% lifted by end of the year.

In 2021, half of the year people are living fearless, until Delta hits Bondi in late June and we've been in lockdown.

I never expected to say this, but apparently I have limit. My GP suggested I'm having severe anxiety. At the same time, I am not even sure if that's correct, or was that week full of tears were just another PMS.

Why time flies - the other obsession

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 10:23:00 +0000

To my surprise, I am striding forward with my pole dance progress. Last year around October, I went back to pole dancing. After warming up with chorey class for beginner-ish, I decided to take a more difficult chorey class and the term after, I took Tech class.

Imagine, when I just started chorey class, I can’t even invert my straddles. I practiced every week because I know I can. And I did. By the end of last year. I already able to do aerial straddle, but not solid. So I decided not to chase to higher tech class, and fell into tech 4. Unfortunately, as I have no choice on chorey class in studio close by, and the chorey class that I usually come to had a change of teacher. I decided to move to another studio and invested 2 classes per week. That is when I feel my progress was so quick. I still practice once a week to try different things, and that actually helped added my tricks vocabulary.

So compared to last year, now I can Aerial Straddle, split upside down, Jade, shoulder mount (2 grips), and is not afraid to try tricks and combos.

Funny that I don’t have general life target for next year. For 2019, I thought I was just asking myself to be kind. I’ll talk about 2020 life goals on next posting. For pole 2020 however, I have 4 different targets:
- Tricks
- Combos
- Flexibility
- Experience

Nothing fancy. I just want to make sure that I’ll pole regularly. Cheers to better 2020 pole.

Why time flies - work update

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 10:13:00 +0000

I don’t know how but somehow, we are at the end of the year already.

I didn’t feel like I achieved much. Since I have sometime tonight, maybe I should write some sort of summary on what happened so far. This post is about my academic/career life.

Looking at my phd progress, I can’t believe that it went so slow. I feel like working on meta-analysis is really hard, especially if you work it alone. My worries, like what if I calculate it wrongly. What if I enter the wrong data. What if I am not consistent... perhaps this is what is called anxiety. Rather than worrying that other people made mistakes, this is more to what if I made mistakes and nobody realize it until the last minute or when it’s all too late?

One year after working the meta-analysis, the calculation is final. I don’t think there will be any change (thank god). I also feel that my understanding in statistics is still as bad as usual. I do not have confidence over myself on statistics. Funnily, I explained meta-analysis and statistics to my friend with ease, they understand it perfectly, I can answer their question, but I still feel like I am an idiot in statistics. Let’s just say, me and statistics may not be besties. I’m coping up.

Now, I am onto my greenhouse project. Lots of last minute preparation before the holiday. Nobody else to blame but me. I feel sluggish and slow, but I don’t really know how to fix it. I feel like it’s not me. Not like me who likes to prepare things waaay in advance. As uncomfortable as it is, I am just hoping that things will continue and work smoothly.

I’m crossing all my fingers to finish my PhD on time.

The confession

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 01:47:00 +0000

I have a confession to make.

I know I supposed to send emails to bunch of people and read more about this statistics calculation, but I just need to write this down here.

I haven't done yoga for about 3 months now.

I hate not doing it, but I seem to lost my ability to force myself doing it. I still practice for pole. I made myself to go regularly to practice time, and force myself to join techniques class this term. But I can't make myself workout at home. I haven't been able to figure out why. I thought it was because I was busy with my wheel and knitting. But I haven't started busy doing that until the last few weeks only. So why am I being a lazy bum?

My hip injury is hurting. And stretching/yoga should be able to improve the condition. But somehow ... I just don't do it.

The hope and well wishes for McCanns

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 25 Mar 2019 11:37:00 +0000

I completed watching netflix's story on Madeline McCann.

I remember I watched few years back, maybe in youtube, or maybe at home, and thinking, why did anyone can't find her? But now I understand.

If I am Kate and Gerry, I'd be utterly frustrated. Even when I watch the story in my tablet, i have the urge to throw something to the Portuguese inspector. And to the private detectives. But good job for the detective who decided to report the paedophile network in Portugal. Kudos.

I can't say much, but I truly, truly hope that they can find Madeline. Perhaps, Madeline can also find her way home.