Cinder's Cataclysmic Adventures

Borderline Verbal Abuse?

2011-11-15T01:57:00.002-06:00

I've had many a-shitty boyfriends in my life. All I have stayed with because I always have the "it will get better" attitude. I guess I'm 24 years old and I still don't know how to value myself. I may have lost 77 pounds, but I'm still 300 pound Cindy. Its a fucking tragedy that what I thought would give me lots of confidence...just hasn't. On to the story...

I have a boyfriend, almost 2 months in. He's sweet and kind, and he takes care of me. He makes me laugh and I feel strongly for him. But he has another side to him...one that makes me cry. One that tears me so far apart that it smashes my face on the pavement.

Sometimes I feel like he's playing some sick game with my emotions to see how far I am able to go. How long I am able to last. Throws around the comment, "If you can't deal with me then you don't have to be with me" How the FUCK is that supposed to make me feel, special? Like I'm fucking priceless? More like I'm fucking stupid replaceable bitch who just happens to be there.

And then even if he's wrong he just wants to wash his hands of it. Points the finger toward me...makes me out as the bad guy EVERY TIME. I'm a very resiliant person, I think. I may cry, and may pout, but at the end of the day I'm still standing. I feel like he's taking a bat to my legs every time he hurts me with his words.

Then I just start thinking, "Would Juan ever do this to me?"And then I feel even more terrible because I know that he wouldn't. Four fucking years and I still miss him. I wish I wish I found somebody that loved me the way he did, unconditionally, and completely devoted to me because he loved me, truly loved me.

I fucked him over so bad that karma is just fucking me 69 times.

He's somebody else, I am somebody else

2011-09-12T02:02:00.002-05:00

As you all know I suck at life, and everything along with it. At this moment I am fighting sleep because I just feel like torturing myself, when my body is telling me to go to sleep. I spoke to Michelle about the subject further. She advised that I should get over it...again and again. I was convinced. Truly convinced. And I was serious about it. Putting Juan in the back of my mind is the best thing. You know it, she knows it, and I know it, hell the old lady down the street probably knows it too.

Right now, I feel like I can't. I want to call that person and ask about Juan. I want to call Juan to see if his number works. I want to just STOP. Its hard. I don't know how. I want to be free of this. I've been "loving" him too long. bur I don't want to love somebody else. I'm stubborn and I hate it. I hate myself for being this way because I cant stop myself. I cant imagine somebody else living up to my expectations and I cant imagine loving somebody else the way I loved him. I want to put these feelings in a lock box, forget the combination and throw it in a bottomless pit. I want it to stop haunting me, him, the mistakes, the lies, the heart ache. I want to forget that it even happened. Now, my pain meds have worn off and I want to cry some more. great.

I know that I'm not the same person I was nearly 4 years ago. I'm not the same. He's also not the same person. Things along the way have probably changed us...I don't know. I'm not what he wants...a liar, a deceitful liar. I wish he would have just gotten to now the "real" me from the beginning, and not something fabricated from my mind.

If I could go back in time, I don't know what route I would have taken.
A. Shown the real me
B. Never have gotten so close to him
C. Ended it differently

it all doesn't matter...why obsess? why think about it? why waste time? why not move on? why not love somebody else? I guess what upsets me more is that I'm NEVER going to see him, I'm never going to hug him, I'm never going to kiss him, I'm never going to hear sweet things from him ever...NEVER, EVER.

I'm broken. I'm defective. I'm no good. I'm a failure. I'm so depressed. I am somebody else, a very sad version of myself.

Different perspective

2011-09-07T14:28:00.002-05:00

I told my friend Michelle about my crazed feelings last night, and this is what she wrote to me:

Oy, i think it is really hard when you love someone that much and things end in a weird way. i dont think its crazy. My major ex of 8 years, we broke up 1.5 years ago, and haven't talked since january, and honestly i still think of him often..... the thing is this. its done and over with and think about how different you are from 4 years ago - he is also a different man now. you are becoming an even different version of yourself, and when you are ready you are going to meet someone completely wonderful and amazing, that deserves you. i think i know how you feel. even writting this now, i am thinking about joel, and if it would work if we got back together..... but i guess at the end of the day things end for one reason or another and its over. we are both making such huge changes in our lives and we have to move forward. its a weird thing being in love. there is a book i really love and he sums it up perfectly.

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person who you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real--but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

it is right isn't it ?
we both need to let go of those people and love them for who they were, but move along.

xo

More thoughts on this later

Just cry it out

2011-09-07T01:15:00.002-05:00

Wow, another depressing blog, Cindy? Yeah pretty much. I should rename the blog Cinders' depressing blogs about obesity, and some guy named Juan.

All of the sudden, I just felt like crying...and crying, and crying some more. I feel like I've built up my life to revolve around those months with Juan, and its driving me insane. I can't do it anymore. Can I put it in a box, lock it up, and put it away? no. I'm not capable of closing that chapter in my life.

Esteban asked me, "Do you know if he has a girlfriend now?" Hell no. Would I want to know? No. I could only imagine how devastated I would be. I know that its normal for people to move on, and have their lives, but I don't want him to...or I want to pretend like he hasn't.

And again I went on a google rampage... Jan 9, 2010 in Houston selling parts through a guy named Bryan's houston-import board thing. Same number. I hyperventilated. Why? I don't know. Maybe I thought that he actually still lived here. Now, I feel very dizzy, and nauseous.

Overeating

2011-08-17T19:06:00.003-05:00

Love?

2011-08-09T05:49:00.002-05:00

Fucking Fantastic

2011-08-06T09:10:00.000-05:00

Anxiety

2011-08-01T08:53:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling more and more out of control of my emotions. I don't like it very much. I feel so out of whack, so not myself. Or maybe being upset is how I am. I don't know anymore. I just breathe. What else is there to do in life? Well what else is there to do in my life?

I'm not sleeping very well. Actually I'm not sleeping at all.

Not driving is depressing me as well. I get really bad anxiety when somebody else is driving my car like my heart is beating ot of my chest. I'm just quite a mess right now.

Another one of those days

2011-07-24T05:36:00.001-05:00

That I feel like I should have somebody, but I don't. I don't have anybody. If I go to the hospital today, I won't have a boyfriend come to my aid. I've been single for such a long time that I don't know what its like anymore.

Last night, Esteban told me he likes me...which should make me happy but it doesn't. Sure, it boosts my self esteem, but I can't do much with that info. Jonathan keeps trying to be my boyfriend, but I don't care about him. I dangle him around just because I can. I'm a bitch and I know this. Maybe that's why I'm alone. Karma is getting me.

With all this tak about abortion...and how drastically I have changed my views on it...its got me thinking.
That one I don't want a child but that two I want a significant other. I'm 24 going on 25. My best friend is married and I'm not. There are so many people on my FB that have changed their last name just this year its crazy.

I want to experience life with somebody else. It just makes me miss Juan more. We were just talking about the perfect relationship...ugh. I'm a broken record I know.

I'm doing the same thing I did with Esteban...obsess. Not healthy. I have nothing going for me so what else can I do?

Ugh...the day I feel like crying Monica came to sleep on my bed...

Up and DOWN...

2011-07-19T04:48:00.002-05:00

Wedding

2011-06-27T03:55:00.002-05:00

Shani got married this weekend. I had fun...it was cool, but there were a couple of things that I was not ok with.

1. Maid of Honor - I had the feeling in the back of my mind, and it was pressing me more and more as the date got closer. While we were in SA Shani kind of lost disconnect with her other friend, and well we remained the same. So, I guess since we lived far away this year, we disconnected. So, Friday during the rehearsal, it was made CLEAR that I was just bridesmaid number two and not "maid of honor," and I'm going to be honest it hurt my feelings. I mean, my friends can all have other friends. Of course life doesn't revolve around me, but for you supposed best friend to have another best friend thats more important than you is not cool. IDK it feels weird to be second place while you hold that person first. I was guessing SHE would me MY maid of honor, but I don't know if that is the case now. I know its petty, but...but I have no excuse for my way of thinking at this moment. I felt embarrassed, and I hated that everybody kept asking me, "Oh I thought YOU were going to give a speech" when I wasn't even given the opportunity to. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

2. Tennessee - I was anxious to meet the guys from Tenn. but I also knew they were WHITE. I have my white friends that I love. I think I've had more white friends now than I've ever had, but "new" white people can always pose a problem, and all minorities are aware of this. The hot guy's girlfriend seemed disgusted by the fact that we were "Mexican" which I am NOT. Its funny how I am so offended by being called Mexican, but not offended when people think I am Euro or Asian. haha its funny how people perceive me to be different race/ethnicity except my own. Anyway, the guys also didn't introduce themselves accordingly. Weren't they supposed to be southern gentlemen? So, it started off wrong. I was sure that I was gonna beat somebody down. It was just awkward. We gave them all horrible nicknames like boobies, and ball sack. In the end I only like two of em, and I still crushed on the cute guy along with the rest of the wedding party.

3. it was hot

4. Too many Amens - All of us could not feel our feet for the rest of the night, and I even switched to sandals.

5. That hoe bag didn't want to give me more vodka...what I bitch. I was like, "THIS BITCH MUST NOT KNOW ME!" lmao.

on the other hand
On the POSITIVE note

1. Pudding shots that we made were fucking delicious...omg!

2. I looked good in my dress, AND it didn't fit anymore - too big. 30 lb makes a big difference.

3. My makeup was ON point

4. Mayra and Allyson's makeup was on point because of me, and everybody noticed.

5. Shani was on point because of the dress I pulled...it def looked good.

6. The food was good, both appetizers and entree. I didn't have a cupcake cause I won't have bread...or I shouldn't but the bro said it was delicious.

7. Free booze. enough said.

8. nice scenery for candid and posed photos (was at marina/dock area)

Normal

2011-06-14T03:23:00.020-05:00

I have lost 30 pounds, and I'm not happy. I know that I should be because it's a big deal. For some reason my mind doesn't allow me to be happy. If I said I lost 100 pounds I still wouldn't be completely happy. You know why? Because I will still be fat. FAT FAT FAT. I still won't be a normal person in society...I will still be fat.

I don't know what to think...and I feel like I can't talk to anybody because I just can't. It's hard to lose weight. There is so much sacrifice involved in it, and it's just rocky.

Idk...I missed out on so many things by being fat. I am upset because I can't have those opportunities ever again. They're gone! I'm just out there floating around...with no clear direction and no plan. I always have a fucking plan. I am lost. I am at a stand still.

I only blog when I am upset...I realize this haha. I do have good times...lol.

But back to the depressing stuff.

Maybe another aspect of not being happy with my weight loss is that I feel like I look the same. I don't think I look any thinner, or slimmer or anything. I look the same. I am not happy with making the sacrifices that I am making just so that the scale can tell me that I have lost weight but for my closet to tell me I am the same. It's just not right. Nobody has noticed...nobody has said anything. Well, except for Rebecca cause she WOULD tell me something lol she's just nice like that.

Ok my head hurts from crying and my eyes feel super dry...off to sleep I go.

All over the place

2011-05-31T03:40:00.002-05:00

Look at it for Hours

2011-05-16T02:48:00.006-05:00

I don't really open my iPhoto program unless I am uploading photos, or it automatically does it when I sync my iPad. Today, I was going to click on my iMovie, but instead I accidentally clicked on iPhoto, and I just left it open. When I filmed a fail blog (the sound of the my fan and the computer fan made it sound like poison for the ears, and I am half deaf), I deleted it and started painting my nails. Then, I was closing windows cause I'm OCD about too many windows, and up came iPhoto. The only photos I have of Juan are in the second album because they are earlier pictures.

I always examine this specific picture. I could look at it for hours. I guess I want to hold on. No, I DO want to hold on. I have fantastic, amazing, fabulous, lovely memories with him, and this is NORMAL...right? I don't now what is normal and not normal.

I've had a busy month. I've had so many other things on my mind that have taken any over mental thought space that I can have. I can't say that I miss him with the intensity that I usually miss him, but I do. I've simply just had other things that were more pressing to think about.

I can't make much of it. I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing that I do not think of him with longing, and sadness and everything else thats wrapped up in the act of fuckery that I placed myself in nearly 4 years ago. OMG four years, and I'm still not fully over it. When I attach years to it like that I feel so dumb. I know that sometimes people live decades upon decades loving somebody they cannot have, but Its dumb to me. Its unacceptable.

I feel like I have my arms stretched out with my heart in my hands offering it over to him, but he won't take it. He doesn't want it. He doesn't even see it.

Esteban says that I need to stop blaming myself for everything wrong that happened after the breakup. I simply don't see it that way. It was my fault we broke up. It is my fault that he doesn't speak to me now. I fucked up. I did. Not him.

Fucking fantastic.

I just said that I wasn't thinking about it, about him, but now I am. I have tortured myself yet again. I allow myself to cry from time to time, but NEVER will I allow it to tear me down completely like it has in the past.

____________________________________

5 minutes later...
Thank you Cindy of October 2010 for posting a video to put things back into perspective.

Vlogging Vlog VLOG

2011-05-12T01:53:00.000-05:00

Dbag switch

2011-04-28T20:27:00.004-05:00

While I was filming this video my brother had a talk with my parents about going to the early college high school. We had BEGGED him to go, but he didn't budge. Now its too late to apply. My mom let my dad know of that fact, ans they had a fight about it.

D: why aren't you ever supportive?!
M : Me not supportive? You should take a look at your own actions!
D: What is that supposed to mean?
M: Cindy told you she was graduating and you were an ass to her
D: Why are you bringing up other things into the conversation? It isn't relevant.

WTF? he's an idiot sometimes.

The Streets of Mumbai

2011-04-25T23:06:00.003-05:00

Better late than never :)
I was in Mumbai on January 4th, 2011...I think this was actually the 5th or 6th not sure. Nonetheless here is some footage of that day. We decided to take a tour, but I didn't even capture anything from the looks of it. ugh I need to import some more foortage it seems!

Three Story house

2011-04-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

I guess I've had other things on my mind that I completely forgot to even blog about this. I mean I could say that it wasn't important to me to even mention it, but that would be a lie since I remember telling myself the whole morning, "DON'T FORGET THIS DREAM! REPLAY IT REPLAY IT!"

I think it was last week. The whole dream isn't in my mind anymore, I just remember fragments of it. So, the dream was about Juan. The first house we lived in in Texas was a two story house. you could see the stars there because we lived next to open fields, and I think in that area, there is a lot of cattle. Next to the house there was a little space between the brick and the fence where there were banana leaves. The stupid things never actually made bananas, but nonetheless they were there.

So, in my dream I was sitting there, in that area between the fence and the neighbor's fence. It was dark and I was looking up at the stars. I looked down at myself and I was thin, and petite which will never happen since I am 5'7" I had a notebook with me, a pair of binoculars and headphones on. I could see my neighbor's house that was three stories (our actual neighbors were elderly, and had a one story house that was pink). The house was white, and every floor was a different room. I could see clearly into the rooms because They didnt have a back wall, they had a back window. The top floor had Juan's parents, the 2nd floor was Juans room, third floor was Juan's little brother and then there was a small house in the backyard that was his sisters.

I saw him in his room, but he looked different. He looked dorky, and unkept. He was wearing this heavy blue hoodie, and glasses. He was slightly overweight, and I didn't understand. In the dream, I was thinking to myself, "I have the wrong guy. Thats not him" I felt the feeling of ewww that can't be him...thats gross. I kept watching him, and he walked up to his parents bedroom. I kept staring at him with my binoculars, and said, "No, that is him" and I went through this mental process in my mind that his outer appearance would never change his personality. But I think I was still put off by it. I had made up my mind that I was just gonna go for it.

As I got up to go somewhere else...I think to his house, I saw a bright light flash. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them I saw him as I remember him from this picture he has (wearing this dark green shirt...idk) extending a hand to me to help me up. Then my alarm went off and I woke up.

I wish I knew what dreams meant...

Flirting Creep

2011-04-25T01:04:00.002-05:00

FM(financial)L

2011-04-17T06:26:00.000-05:00

Night Night

2011-04-16T03:39:00.000-05:00

I had terrible sleep last night. I just couldn't fall asleep with that ridiculous head gear on. how could it ever be accurate if its so uncomfortable?!?!

I watch a lot of YouTube videos...that goes without saying! A lot of beauty videos in particular with a splash of Shane Dawson and Philip DeFranco, and the occasional WhatTheBuck. Anyway, there is this tag going around in the beauty community called the "Husband/Boyfriend tag." The chic usually asks her dude random questions about their relationship and about herself to see how much she knows about her. Blah Blah I recently subscribed to this chic that I do not remember her YT name...anyway, her husband had a strong resemblance to Juan...just like a thinner version. And then last week in San Antonio, I saw a waiter from far away that reminded me of him as well. I freaked so bad. When he finally came up close his name tag read David and he was pretty short. So, I felt pretty embarrassed. Even though I didn't raise any alarms to Shani or Sunita, but I think HE noticed.

Today, I watched the Fountain, and as I have mentioned before the Fountain CD was the one that played over and over when we broke up. I seriously think somebody took it and threw it away because I cannot find it anywhere. And of course, when i see the fountain I only see two scenes, and I'm done with it. I have seriously watched those two scenes a million times. However, I've only seen the whole movie twice.

So to wrap this up, I felt weird today. Sad? Yes. Crying? Not Really. I know that I will never escape the memory of him. That's just a fact. He's in my veins, and I will never be able to drain him out. I don't like thinking about him because then I make up stories in my mind as to what we would be like right now. Obviously, I paint all stories with him as the best stories ever. We would be the cookie cutter couple that loves each other, and it shows while making everybody else puke from the jealousy.

In the video I saw (partially! cause I'm not that emotionally involved with this YTer yet) that they looked into each other's eyes...all googley like (insert jealous gag here) and kissed. I wondered if anybody in my future will give me that kind of loving gaze. Some people take that for granted...I know I did.

Maybe I will learn to appreciate my next mate...who knows really. Cheers to being single for a year and 4 months? Ugh, whatever.

Sleep Apnea

2011-04-15T13:52:00.001-05:00

Mr. Felix!

SA Bound on Friiiday

2011-04-07T01:46:00.002-05:00

Get it Done

2011-04-02T16:57:00.002-05:00

It's April 2nd

2011-04-02T02:27:00.000-05:00