Someone's face is about to get punched.

The 1989 action movie classic “Road House” is one of the face-punchingest movies in movie history.  Just how face punching?  Well, it contains about 45 seconds total of people being punched in the face.  Not fight scenes, not stomach punches, just fist into face action.  Consider the fact that it takes less than a second to punch someone in the face, and you’ll see just how impressive–and how impressively full–this movie montage is.  From the fine folks at Red Letter Media, here’s every face punch in “Road House” for your viewing pleasure.

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Now THAT is a movie.  Patrick “James Dalton” Swayze, you were the man back in your day.  So much glorious face-punching!

Image: Sublime Monkey/James Dalton For President

You might even say that these climactic speeches are the whole point of a romantic comedy. We want to see someone bridge that gap between “it will never work” and “happily ever after,” armed only with the power of words. And the way you cross that chasm is by not caring if you fall. You have to lose your cool, drop your guard, and swing for the fences.

Now, this isn’t exactly the most romantic website in the world, but even us jaded horror and cult movie nerds have hearts. So, in honor of the day–and to pay respect to the awesome montage–here’s how Hollywood says “I Love You.” Happy Valentine’s Day, guys.

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Warning: It may suddenly get dusty.

And I couldn’t be more excited (and maybe a little inspired).

The film has already seen sporadic film festival screenings since 2010, and looks to be released full-theatrical sometime this year. It’s a Canadian production, and this trailer is courtesy of the Whistler Film Festival (of Whistler, British Columbia).

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Axe may not appear in this movie.

SIX DEGREES OF CAST & CREW

- Actor Danielle Harris can be seen in 1991′s “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead”, along with John Getz. Mr. Getz would later be seen in “Zodiac” (2007), as directed by David Fincher. Mr. Fincher also made his feature debut directing 1992′s “Alien3″, which, instead of Sigourney Weaver, almost starred… Michael Biehn!

- Speaking of Danielle Harris, both her and actor J.C. Brandy share a commonality: they both played the role of Jamie Lloyd in “Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers” (1988) (Harris), “Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers” (1989) (Harris), and “Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers” (1995) (Brandy).

REVIEW

On February 10, 2011, Michael Biehn “victimized” Edmonton, AB. Seeing as that’s where I live, I figured I should experience the special double-bill showing of two new films, both starring the actor in question, Michael Biehn (of “Aliens”, “The Terminator”, “Planet Terror”. Not only did Mr. Biehn star in both new films, but he happened to have directed and screenplay-ified one: 2011′s “The Victim”. And while the other film, “The Divide” (also ’11) is due its own extensive discourse and review, today we shall focus on “The Victim”.

One’s primary fascination with this film, and arguably the primary reason for anyone to see “The Victim” to begin with, is that Biehn didn’t merely screenwrite and direct it: he went full on D.I.Y. With limited resources and time, and a small, devoted and familial cast and crew wearing many production hats, “The Victim” was conceived and created in less than two weeks, for less than a thousand dollars. The impetus behind this ramshackle endeavour was pure associative inspiration; after working with director Robert Rodriguez on 2007′s “Planet Terror”, Biehn was left wholly impressed by Rodriguez’s longstanding and far-reaching beliefs and promulgations towards independent filmmaking. Lovers of the genre are often knowing of and bemused by the story behind Rodriguez’s explosive D.I.Y. starter, “El Mariachi” (1992): the man took stock of what he had at his disposal, and with not much more than a guitar, a turtle, and a credit card, proceeded to kick down the door to Hollywood action filmmaking.

Our story begins with a little walking-trail lovin’ in wooded California, and the accidental-or-not death of a stripper (Mary, played by Danielle Harris) at the hands of high-ranking police official Harrison, played by Burt-Lancaster-fathers-Casey-Affleck-looking Ryan Honey). After a lengthy “The Shining”-esque (Biehn admits this) driving sequence, Michael Biehn’s character, Kyle, comes home to his nearby cabin for some book reading and e-meditation. A scared-witless blonde woman (Annie, played by Jennifer Blanc-Biehn) is soon banging at his door, apparently on the run from the aforementioned Harrison and his police partner, Cooger (Denny Kirkwood). Kyle hastily decides to hide Annie once Harrison and Cooger show up not long after. Trips are made back to the scene of the crime, torture and fight sequences are exchanged, an open-ended plot twist is utilized (and well-delivered), and we’re done!

I hasten to encapsulate things so brusquely here, but, truth be told, it’s a fairly brusque film to begin with. It doesn’t feel fast, if only because of a few unnecessarily drawn out driving and flashback sequences, but all in all there’s not much to the story. A viewer’s first experience with “The Victim” will actually have you expecting some sort of twist by the end, and so you find yourself questioning characters and their motives. Who really killed who? Who really is innocent, and who are the victims? Herein lies a major strength of the film, if only within the first viewing: a quizzical whodunnit unfolding before all the dunnit’s are even dun. With a conspiracy theorist outlook, one can envision all sorts of possibilities. Are the cops really the villains? Did certain characters ever exist to begin with? And of course the most obvious question so obvious it answers itself: There has to be more to Biehn’s character than meets the eye.

Unfortunately, a lot of these potentialities end up non-existent, though not necessarily leaving the movie at fault. Any weaknesses in story and plot are, truth be told, fairly miniscule. It’s a simple story, and largely told well. If anything it’s dialogue and delivery thereof that can be off-putting. So many little moments of speech come off as poorly or unnecessarily written, and in turn performed with unnecessary pretence or lack of restraint. Blanc-Biehn and Honey are the chief proprietors as such, if only because neither have much acting experience to begin with. Just the same, this is Michael Biehn’s directorial debut, and so he can really only extract so much talent, even from himself; both Biehn’s character and performance are uneven, though one could connect this with the twist ending. Ultimately the “Best Performance” credit goes to Danielle Harris, if only because she’s been acting since 1987, at age ten.

Where you Biehn all my life?

Visually speaking, “The Victim” is strong and consistent. Despite the 12 day production, everything from photography to lighting to action and driving sequences just plain looks tight. The film is pretty well evenly placed in broad daylight or dead of night, and filmed day-for-night anyway. The difference ends up negligible, as most night sequences are filled with taut, suspense dialogue and outright action. Biehn’s character even pokes a bit of fun at the cost effective day-for-night technique, by saying, “The moon is so bright I could read a book if I had one!” Aesthetically speaking, the audio is perhaps one of the film’s greatest strengths. Scoring and sound effects are mixed with warmth and appropriate volume, and custom made background music is charming and, oddly enough, age appropriate to the cast in terms of genre.

The pre-and-post- screening talks from Biehn (and some of the cast and crew) served to shed some amusing, fascinating, and D.I.Y.-inspiring insights to the film. On a strange note, Biehn prefaced the screening by asking the crowd to “not take it too seriously”, tying to the press release insistence that this is a “grindhouse” style movie. I can’t say I wholly agree with that vibe, but more confusing was Biehn’s preface. It seemed we were to expect “The Victim” to either be a black comedy, or a so-bad-it’s-good drive-in experience. And while there were several moments, primarily of over-the-top dialogue, where the crowd did end up laughing, I couldn’t help but feel a bit awkward. Was Biehn implying that there were some not-so-good acting moments, and thus saving himself some post-screening embarrassment (or review)?

What was most impressive about both the film and Biehn’s post-screening talk was his embracing of indie filmmaking culture. At age 56, it was very endearing to hear the man speak so encouragingly toward this new generation of aspiring storytellers who can make professional-looking productions with relatively cheap means, and exploit easy publicity viewership by way of the world wide web. Just remember, kids: if Cpl. Hicks can do it, so too you!

RATING – 3.5 police moustaches out of 5

STINGER – “I could read a book out here if I had one!”

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MOVIE 

DIRECTOR – Gordon Parks

WRITER – Ernest Tidyman, John F.D. Black

SIX DEGREES OF CAST & CREW

‑Director Gordon Parks brings an intense visual style to “Shaft.”  That’s easy to do when you’re a professional photographer for Life Magazine.  Parks is also the co-founder of Essence Magazine; Parks’s Hitchcock cameo is as the landlord Shaft grills when out looking for Ben Buford.  Shaft is also seen reading Essence magazine during the movie.  Parks was the first black person to direct a movie for a major studio, when he helmed 1969’s “The Learning Tree,” which was based on his autobiography.  (Also, according to IMDB, Parks was close friends with Candace Bushnell, who wrote/inspired “Sex and the City,” but let’s not hold that against him.)

‑Two famous blaxploitation names were in the running for the role of John Shaft.  One of these was Isaac Hayes.  He obviously didn’t get the part, but producers were so impressed by his musical resume (he was one of the originators of the Memphis Sound and worked with Otis Redding and Booker T & the MGs among others), that they gave him the job of scoring the movie.  Hayes was the first black person to win an Oscar for Best Original Song.  He would later get that coveted leading man part in 1974’s “Truck Turner.”  The female vocalists for Hayes’ immortal Theme From Shaft were Telma Hopkins and Joyce Vincent Wilson from Tony Orlando & Dawn.

‑The other famous name gunning for Shaft was Ron O’Neal (who producers felt was too light skinned to play Shaft).  O’Neal would get his blaxploitation fame in 1972’s “Super Fly.”  ”Super Fly” was directed by Gordon Parks Jr., son of “Shaft” director Gordon Parks.

‑As for the man who won the role of Shaft, Richard Roundtree, he played Shaft a total of five times:  ”Shaft,” “Shaft’s Big Score,” “Shaft In Africa,” “Shaft (the TV series),” and “Shaft” (the 2000 remake, as Uncle Shaft to Samuel L. Jackson’s Shaft).  He’s also a breast cancer survivor, having been diagnosed with the disease in 1993 and having beaten it.  He now speaks to groups about educating men on the dangers of breast cancer and the importance of early detection and treatment.

REVIEW

Before we go any further, just watch this clip of Isaac Hayes playing the Theme From Shaft at Wattstax in 1972.  I’ll wait; better yet, let it load, then let it play while you read this review.

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John Shaft (Richard Roundtree) is the baddest private detective in all of New York City.  From Manhattan to Harlem, everybody on the streets knows Shaft, and most importantly, they know not to mess with Shaft, because he’s the baddest cat to ever don an incredible leather trench coat.  When you need something done, or when you need information, Shaft’s the man you go to whether or not you’re the cops, Harlem gangsters, or even the Italian mafia.  It’s these last two that land Shaft in the toughest case of his life.

On one side, the cops are pressuring him for information.  The black nationalists want Bumpy and his drug-peddling ways out of Harlem.  Meanwhile, Bumpy Jonas (Moses Gunn) has hired Shaft to get his kidnapped daughter back from the Italian mafia.  The mob wants Harlem, and to get Harlem they either need to get Bumpy Jonas to accept their terms or they need to get rid of Bumpy and his men, hence the kidnapping of Bumpy’s daughter.

Things are rapidly spiraling out of control, but when you’re the coolest cat in the world, nothing’s too crazy.

Richard Roundtree’s Shaft is an incredible performance.  He’s the coolest guy in the room at all times, even when he’s throwing guys out a window, being shot at, or nearly being hit by a cab while jaywalking.  It’s a credit to Roundtree that he’s managed to nail such an iconic role in one of his first film performances, and it’s a credit to the character that Shaft remains an iconic detective, alongside Philip Marlowe, Sam Spade, or even Sherlock Holmes in his deerstalker hat.  Part of this is the movie’s ultra-70’s feel, and part of it is the fact that Shaft is above all politics.  He’s friends with blacks, whites, gays, straights, and even cops.

As in the original stories, Shaft is a private detective who is black, and not an overt black radical or even a political figure.  He negotiates political situations, but Shaft utters no rallying cry for black nationalism; Shaft just wants his money and his women and to solve crimes.  Sure, the script contains a lot of the standards of blaxploitation fare, but it’s not overly offensive to white people, gays, or women (basically anyone not a black male).  The script also has some pretty funny moments, especially when Shaft is chatting with Detective Andruzzi (Charles Cioffi).

Gordon Parks, as a photographer, really knows what to do with a camera and how to frame shots.  Granted, most of his shots are fairly static, but that doesn’t matter when the shots look so good and the transitions are done so well.  Parks’s camera makes 1970’s New York look like a gritty, grimy, busy, bustling, exciting place to be, even if you don’t want to be out on the streets after dark.  This is a beautiful film, no doubt about it.

Even now, 40 years later, Shaft remains a vital, impressive work of cinema.  Not just from a black director, or in a black genre, but just as a movie period.  It’s no wonder that Shaft (and Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song) helped kick off an entire genre of imitators and spoofs while inspiring an entire generation of writers, directors, and actors across all races.

That Shaft is one bad mother-… well, I best shut my mouth, even if I am only talkin’ ’bout “Shaft.”

RATING – 4 defenestrated thugs out of 5

TRAILER

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OWN IT: Get “Shaft” on DVD or old-school VHS from Amazon.com!

MOVIE –

DIRECTOR – James Watkins

WRITER – Jane Goldman (script), Susan Hill (novel)

SIX DEGREES OF CAST & CREW

–Everyone knows Daniel Radcliffe played Harry Potter in the massively successful movie franchise. In the movies, Harry/Daniel’s father was played by a gentleman named Adrian Rawlings. In the 1989 version of The Woman In Black, Adrian Rawlings played Arthur Kipps, which is the same role being played by Daniel Radcliffe in this version! Also, speaking of relationships between fathers and sons, the role of Arthur Kipps’ son in this version of The Woman In Black is being played by Daniel Radcliffe’s real-life godson; Radcliffe came up with the casting idea himself. Speaking of Harry Potter, Ciaran Hinds played Aberforth Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

–One of the companies that produced The Woman In Black will be a familiar name to fans of British horror. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, HAMMER is back. If you don’t know enough about horror to know that the return of Hammer is a big deal, then you really need to go to the video store and pick up anything Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee did in the 60′s and 70′s. Technically this is Hammer’s fourth movie since relaunching with 2008′s Beyond The Rave. The company’s return to prominence came with 2010′s Let Me In.

–The Woman In Black has a pretty distinguished history. The book was first published by Susan Hill in 1983. Not only has it been made into two films, it has also been made into a stage play. The play opened in London’s West End (their version of Broadway)in 1989 and is running still to this day. There’s also a national touring company in the UK. Apparently Brits love this story.

REVIEW

Arthur Kipps (Daniel Radcliffe) is a struggling London lawyer whose career and livelihood depends on getting back in the good graces of his firm. After the death of his wife during childbirth, Kipps has never been the same, but as his nameless boss implies, the company isn’t a charity. So Kipps leaves his son and nanny behind and travels to a distant, tiny town where he is to settle the affairs of the old widow Alice Drablow.

As it turns out, this town does not want Arthur Kipps around. The inn is full, the townsfolk are completely not helpful, and Kipps’ only ally is the richest man in town, Sam Daily (Cieran Hinds). Daily, like everyone else in town, has been struck by tragedy and lost his children to a tragic accident. The accidents are never the same, but the townsfolk believe they know the source of their misfortune: Eel Marsh house and the mysterious Woman In Black (Liz White).

Kipps is faced with a dilemma. He can’t shirk on his duty, or he’ll be fired. But if he goes to Eel Marsh house, he just might be placing his own son in danger of death. Will Kipps solve the mystery of Eel Marsh house before The Woman In Black comes for his child?

The Woman In Black may not be loud enough or violent enough or jarring enough for a modern horror audience. It’s less Poltergeist and more Burnt Offerings; there’s not a big-bad monster or some kind of impressive visual special effects haunting. Nor is is a modern Paranormal Activity-type of found footage movie. The Woman In Black is just a haunted house movie. It’s slow and sedate, and the scares it provides are more of the “creepy close-up of an old toy” or “rampaging rocking chair” variety. The few appearances of the titular Woman in Black are more effective because she’s so rarely seen, but at the same time, she doesn’t show up a lot and that means we have long stretches of film in which Arthur Kipps wanders around a dusty old house with a candle.

Director James Watkins established his terror-building credentials in 2008′s underrated Eden Lake, which also used the land as an asset to building a threatening movie. Certainly, Eel Marsh House and its grounds make a great setting for a horror movie. Watkins handles The Woman In Black fairly well, too, but she’s simply not around for too much of the film’s run-time, and when she does show up she rarely puts anyone other than children into serious dread.

The one thing I did like is the way the script by Jane Goldman (Kick-Ass, X-Men First Class) treats The Woman In Black and her relationship with the townsfolk. They all know about her, but they never mention her. If this was really happening in your town, would you tell the stranger from London about how there’s a child-murdering ghost that haunts your town? Of course you wouldn’t; that sounds crazy! And it is crazy, except when it’s happening to you. The men of the town try everything to get Kipps to leave, he just simply refuses and brings death to everyone.

Can The Woman In Black be tense? You bet. Is it consistently tense? No, not quite. The movie works on a haunted house level, but the movie’s sense of dread kind of falters from time to time, primarily when Arthur is investigating the mystery of Alice Drablow, Jennet Humfrye, and Eel Marsh House. The mystery is a central point of the story, but when you’ve got a creepy old house and a white-faced ghost woman, watching Harry Potter rifle through yellowing papers isn’t exactly thrilling.

Next time, more Woman In Black and a little less lawyering.

RATING – 3 pasty women in black frocks out of 5

TRAILER

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OWN IT: Get “The Woman In Black” on DVD and Blu-ray from Amazon.com!

MOVIE –

DIRECTOR – Josh Trank

WRITER – Max Landis

SIX DEGREES OF CAST & CREW

–If the name Max Landis sounds familiar to you, then that’s because you’re a fan of Masters of Horror. He wrote the episode Deer Woman, which was directed by his father. His father? Why, he’s none other than John “American Werewolf in London” Landis. As for director Josh Trank, this is his very first movie (he has done some TV in the past). Somehow, he manages not to screw it up.

–As for Michael B. Jordan, who plays Steve Montgomery, he’s a veteran beyond his years. Not only did he spend a year on The Wire, he was also a regular on Friday Night Lights as Vince Howard, and he spent a staggering three years on the soap opera All My Children. He was also on Parenthood, the TV series spun off from the 1989 Steve Martin classic.

–I don’t have a third thing here.  Oh!  Here’s something:  Anna Wood, who plays Monica, has been dating her co-star Dane DeHaan since 2006.

REVIEW

Andrew Detmer (Dane DeHaan) is a troubled kid. His mother is dying, his father is an alcoholic, his only friend is his cousin Matt Garetty (Alex Russell), and he’s pretty much the most picked on kid in his high school. Or so it is implied, anyway. However, Matt is trying his best to get Andrew to actually go out and have fun, so one day he drags him to a massive party at God knows where.

While at the party, Andrew (who films everything) gets separated from Matt, gets into a few little scrapes, and flees to the safety of the parking lot only to be confronted by Steve (Michael B. Jordan), who sees Andrew’s camera and wants him to come investigate something. Matt’s already there. It’s basically a large hole in the ground, possibly due to a meteor strike or something to that effect. In the days after the meteor, the three high schoolers discover something: they’ve now got telekinesis.

Like all awesome powers, it starts small. They bend forks, use stuffed bears to harass children, and occasionally move parked cars around to prank the owners. Then, as their powers grow, the temptation to use their powers for ill grows in one particular member of the group, and it’s up to his friends to keep him from flipping out, ninja style, and using his mind powers to wipe out a significant chunk of the Pacific Northwest.

Chronicle isn’t a great movie, but it is a pretty good movie. It’s also about as close to a live-action Akira as we’ll ever get. It’s pretty close to the same generic plot, albeit they swap in Seattle for post-apocalyptic Neo Tokyo. There’s a kid with powers, his conscience, and a whole lot of authority figures willing to be tossed around by mind powers. However, the use of telekinesis is very helpful at offsetting one of the problems I have with this particular genre.

Yes, Chronicle is a found footage movie, but it’s not a traditional found footage movie. After a few moments of camera shaking and whatnot, the movie settles down and becomes basically a regular movie, albeit with some creative use of news camera footage, security cameras, and the occasnonal iPhone or iPad camera thrown in for a little spice. It stretches the premise to death in the process, but I actually don’t like the shakycam convention and it generally ruins a movie for me (because why would they still be filming themselves all the time?) but in this case it’s so quickly and easily forgotten that it stays out of the way. I guess that kind of defies the whole point of found footag, but I for one am not complaining.

Josh Trank injects a pretty standard movie with a lot of energy, and this is one of the few movies that makes flying look as fun and awesome as flying would have to be. He also keeps the film moving; Chronicle checks in at 83 minutes, and it feels like it’s over in an hour. That’s a good thing.

As for the actors, they’re not bad. They’re mostly playing archetypes (like the popular kid, the outcast, the obnoxious philosopher), but they’re good at it. Michael B. Jordan is consistently good in pretty much all his roles; Dane DeHaan is pretty good, too. He’s got a standard seething angry kid role, but he’s a pretty good Edward Furlong.

Chronicle isn’t anything new. However, it’s well constructed, it’s surprisingly well acted in spite of the stock characters, and it is actually realistic (if you discount the telekinetic powers). The events in the movie seem like they might actually happen if you gave three random teenagers powers, especially if one of them is a misanthrope with anger issues.

RATING – 3 bent forks out of 5

STINGER

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OWN IT: Get “Chronicle” on DVD and Blu-ray from Amazon.com!

MOVIE 

DIRECTOR – Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (as Neveldine/Taylor)

WRITER – Neveldine/Taylor

SIX DEGREES OF CAST & CREW

-Co-directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor are as up-close and personal as you can get. During Crank, Neveldine and Taylor were the directors, writers, and even operated the cameras. The two got their start in commercials, and thus, they’re used to working with short crews and tight schedules; Neveldine/Taylor shot over 300 hours of film in 30 days.

-Jason Statham did all his own stunts for Crank, and all the stunts were practicals, not CGI. That means when Chev Chelios is hanging off of a helicopter during a fight with Ricky Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo), Jason Statham is hanging off of a helicopter during a fight scene (either Brian Taylor or Mark Neveldine is hanging off of a helicopter to film it).

-Lots of the reactions in the movie aren’t faked/acting. In the scene where Chev is explaining to Eve (Amy Smart) what he does for a living, Amy Smart’s hiccups are legitimate hiccups, not fake. The reactions of the extras during the couple’s Chinatown sex scene are also legitimate, as the extras didn’t know what they would be seeing when filming took place.

REVIEW

Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) wakes up in his beautiful Los Angeles apartment to find everything out of place. The back of his neck is on fire. When he finds a DVD labeled “FUCK YOU CHELIOS,” he knows it’s something he should probably investigate. On the DVD, the Hispanic gangster Ricky Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo) gives Chelios the low-down. Chelios has been poisoned with the so-called “Chinese shit,” an incurable poison that leaves the victim with an hour to live.

Unfortunately for Verona and company, Chev Chelios can do a lot in an hour.

Not only does he want to say a last goodbye to his girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart), but he also wants to make sure Ricky Verona and all his thugs join him in the great beyond. After a consultation with his physician, Chelios knows there’s one way to extend his borrowed time: adrenaline. Keep the adrenaline pumping, and keep your heart pumping.

Luckily for Chev, he’s got a whole lot of ideas about how to keep his adrenaline pumping, and a lot of opportunities to do so as he shoots, chases, runs, and rampages across LA’s iconic streets. Can he beat the clock and bring down Verona before his body gives out on him? More importantly, can Crank manage to keep topping itself in the process? Two important questions, those.

The one thing you can say about co-directors Neveldine and Taylor is that they have style to spare. The two of them, for whatever reason, are the most inventive director pair since Sam Raimi in terms of how they shoot, the angles and techniques they use, and their actual camerawork. You can give them all the credit in the world, because they do it all themselves and are responsible for the awesome things they do. The pair utilize an interesting method of shooting, using commercially-available personal cameras that are cheap and easy to destroy during filming, so they can get the shot they want and not worry if, say, a running Jason Statham accidentally drops the camera while running through the park shooting his own face. Crank was/is their first movie, yet it’s clear that they already have a great idea of what they want a Neveldine/Taylor joint to look and feel like, and that’s an incredible thing.

As for the script, it’s a very, very solid revenge movie that has somehow been crossed with a live-action video game. It’s a simple plot: Chev has an hour to get revenge and/or save himself from the poison coursing through his veins, and he’s got to track down the folks responsible and force-feed them their just desserts. It’s a classic movie story, but it’s got such a sense of fun and such a willingness to do and say the craziest things in the course of the plot. From Chev’s gay informant Kaylo (Efren Ramirez) to his hilarious doctor Doc Miles (Dwight Yokam), the characters that inhabit Chev’s universe are as colorful as the universe itself.

That’s a credit to the actors (the whole movie is full of interesting actors) and the script. This is a movie full of interesting actors, but the centerpiece is Jason Statham. If you like The Stath, you’ll love Crank. If you don’t like The Stath, Crank just may make you a fan.

If you can’t get behind a skull-smashing hitman named Chev Chelios, there’s no hope for you. The year 2006 was a low point for action movies, but Crank has been a much-needed injection of modernity into the moribund genre, and it made Jason Statham into an 80′s action movie star for the 2000′s and beyond. More importantly, it proved that Americans can still make action movies and helped pave the way for The Expendables and a generalized rebirth of action.

RATING – 4 public sex scenes out of 5

TRAILER

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OWN IT: Get ”Crank” on DVD and Blu-ray Disc from Amazon.com!

So, do you want an epic trailer, or do you want an epic trailer?  In 2006, director Timo Vuorensola had an idea for a science fiction film, and over the course of two years, he and his cast and crew pooled their own money, shot a trailer for their movie, and took it to the Cannes Film Festival in an attempt to bring their idea to life.  Well, it’s taken the better part of six years, but that vision has become a reality. That vision, ladies and gentlemen, is “Iron Sky,” and it is one of the absolute best trailers I have ever seen.  Just watch this and tell me it doesn’t look like the best thing ever.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Here’s the movie’s synopsis, as stolen from the UK’s Starburst Magazine:

Towards the end of World War II the Nazi scientists made a significant breakthrough in anti-gravity. From a secret base built in the Antarctic, the first Nazi spaceships were launched in late ‘45 to found the military base Schwarze Sonne (Black Sun) on the dark side of the Moon. This base was to build a powerful invasion fleet and return to take over the Earth once the time was right.

Now it’s 2018, and it’s the time for the first American Moon landing since the 70s. Meanwhile the Nazi invasion, that has been over 70 years in the making, is on its way, and the world is goose-stepping towards its doom.

“Iron Sky” will be released on April 4 2012 in Finland, the UK, and Germany.  The debut will take place at the Berlin International Film Festival on February 11, 2012.

MOVIE 

DIRECTOR – Sergio Sollima

WRITERS – Massimo De Rita, Dino Maiuri (story ); Gianfranco Calligarich, Sauro Scavolini, Sergio Sollima, and Lina Wertmuller (screenplay)

SIX DEGREES OF CAST & CREW

‑This movie has been released multiple times in the United States alone.  In 1970, it was released as Violent City, the translated Italian title.  In 1973, the movie was edited and rereleased as The Family in an attempt to piggyback onto the organized crime craze kicked off by The Godfather a year earlier.  To further complicate matters, the 1973 release by United Artists cut 8 minutes from the film.  On the DVD release, the 8 restored minutes were never dubbed back into English, so are presented in Italian with subtitles.  Speaking of subtitles, Bronson was born to Lithuanian parents and, as a child, only spoke Polish; he didn’t learn English until he was a teenager.  Bronson’s Polish language skills and his claustrophobia were both on display in The Great Escape, in which Bronson plays a Polish POW nicknamed The Tunnel King due to his claustrophobia.

‑This is a movie of connections.  It is the third and final pairing of Telly Savalas and Charles Bronson (the others being Battle of the Bulge and The Dirty Dozen).  It’s also one of the first of the 14 pairings of Jill Ireland and Charles Bronson.  Bronson first met Ireland in 1962, when she was married to Bronson’s The Great Escape co-star David McCallum.  Upon meeting her, Bronson told McCallum, “I’m going to marry your wife.”  The two married in 1968 and maintained a large and inseparable family until her death from breast cancer in 1990.

‑In 1963‑64, Bronson played Linc on the TV series The Travels of Jaimie McPheeters, alongside 12‑year‑old Kurt Russell.  In 1981, Bronson was passed over for the role of Snake Plissken in favor of not-12-year-old Kurt Russell.  The reason?  Bronson looked too tough for the role.  Given that Bronson was an aerial gunner on a B-29 Superfortress and earned a Purple Heart in WWII and that Bronson worked in a coal mine from age 10 (becoming claustrophobic in the process; see Six Degrees entry 1) until 22 (when he escaped the coal mines by going to war), that’s probably a fair charge to level against the man.

REVIEW

While on a job to assassinate a target, professional hitman Jeff Heston (Charles Bronson) is chased down by an armed group of thugs, shot, and left for dead in an epic double-cross.  Unfortunately for the organized criminals, while they shot Heston, they didn’t kill him.  His trip through the prison system only serves to steel his desire to get revenge on the people who set him up.

Among these men is Al Meyer (Telly Savalas), a gangster who wants Heston’s gun and unique skill-set for his criminal empire, and Meyer isn’t one to take no for an answer.  So he’s organized a nice little set-up to try and blackmail Heston into working for him, and he’s got the ultimate weapon on his side:  Heston’s old flame Veronica Shelton (Jill Ireland).

The game is on.  Jeff wants revenge, but he’s got to avoid Meyer’s band of killers, traitors, and scumbags in the process.  Will Jeff gain the upper hand and emerge victorious, will he cave in and give Meyer the gun for hire that he wants, or will he die in New Orleans’ blood-soaked streets?

The only person than Charles Bronson off-screen is Charles Bronson onscreen.  My love of Bronson isn’t exactly a secret (see Charles Bronson Killing Hipsters for more evidence of that fact).  While others see a leather Muppet with a mop of crazy hair and a mustache, I see a brilliant, underrated actor doing the best with what he’s been given.  His love for wife Jill Ireland occasionally brings his movies down a few notches due to her, ahem, lack of acting skills, but she’s not terrible in this film (her Italian dub voice, however…).  As for Telly Savalas, he’s awesome in pretty much everything he’s involved in, and this is no exception.

Of the three Sergios who shot spaghetti westerns in the 60’s, Sergio Sollima is the least well-known (after Sergio Leone and Sergio Corbucci).  He only did a few spaghetti westerns before moving to the genre for which he is most known, the poliziotteschi flick—a unique and fun blend of tough cops, graphic violence, corruption, and action.  Of these films,Violent City is one of the first of the genre and still one of the better ones thanks to Sollima’s skill as a director.  The movie moves pretty leisurely by modern standards, but it makes great use of some beautiful locations and interesting clothes to craft a great looking movie.

It’s weird watching a 70’s action movie through a modern lens.  Rather than the hyperactive editing we’re used to,Violent City gives you long takes, even during the action sequence.  Among the stand‑out features of the film, the car chase is supreme, and it’s one of the best car chases of the 70’s thanks to the tiny, winding roads of St. Thomason which the scene is shot (and Bronson’s hot Mustang).  One of the stand-out filming methods of Sollima is the awesome camera-on-car shot that allows the viewer to feel the car twist and turn while being chased.  It’s pretty epic, and the claustrophobic feel of the buildings on either side only adds to the tension.

Of course, the combination of English and Italian dialogue, the movie’s interesting pace, and the very muddled script make the film hard to follow.  That tends to happen when you A) translate a movie into English and B) have story input from six different people.  You can follow along, but you have to pay attention and you have to do your best to remember who everyone is.  The plot is pretty simple, but the movie is constructed in kind of a weird way, and there’s not a lot of helpful hand-holding from the dialogue.  Well, the English dialogue, anyway.

While the movie doesn’t make much sense at some points, it doesn’t really matter.  Much like Jill Ireland herself, if a movie looks good enough, you can safely ignore the fact that it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and just enjoy it for its visual pleasure.

RATING – 3 sniper bullets out of 5

TRAILER

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