The CINERGY Conflict Management Coaching Blog | ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions)

ADRHub Virtual Book Club – Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model

Cinnie Noble — Thu, 17 May 2012 13:51:56 +0000

I am very excited to tell you that Jeff Thompson one of the co- creators of ADRHub.com Werner Institute - has kindly invited me to co-lead a virtual book club on my book: Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model. Below is the announcement recently posted on the ADRHub. It includes a link about where to purchase the book and there is a link to the ADR Book Club.

The ‘meetings’ will take the form of on-line discussions over the month of June. My co-moderator for the book club is Tammy Lenski who is a dear colleague and incredible contributor to the ADR field. One or both of us will pose some questions and moderate the discussion beginning June 3.

I really hope you will join ADRHub if you haven’t already (free) and participate in the discussions about my book during the month of June. If you have a chance to read the Introduction and Chapter 1 for the first week, please do. Each week we’ll focus on 2 chapters, but if you have other comments you wish to make or questions you want to ask about the book and its concepts outside the two chapters of the week, please feel free to post those. Or if you prefer to ‘listen’ in, that will be fine too.

By the way, the book will be in digital format shortly. If you wish notice of when that occurs, please contact me directly at moc.gnihcaocygrenicnull@ofni and just put the words – Digital format – in the Subject line.

If you have any questions feel free to contact me.

Oh, I am sorry you will have to bring your own refreshments to the meetings!

Warm regards, Cinnie

ANNOUNCEMENT:

We are happy to announce the popular ADRHub book club will be back June 1st. This time the book will be Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model. The author Cinnie Noble will be the co-moderator, providing members with the unique opportunity to not only engage other professionals but also the author!

An added benefit to purchasing her book through Amazon.com and being part of the club is that Cinnie donates a portion of the proceeds to Mediators Beyond Borders.

About the book: Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model is a comprehensive and dynamic book about coaching people on a one-on-one basis to improve their skills for managing and engaging in their interpersonal disputes. The text not only describes the research-based coaching model that uniquely combines conflict management, coaching and neuroscience principles. It also shares many forms and ideas that support a coaching practice.

Conflict Management Coaching is aimed at coaches, mediators and other conflict management practitioners, HR professionals, leaders, lawyers, psychologists, social workers and others who work with people in conflict.

Read more about the book and where to purchase it here.

Visit ADR Book Club.

Thinking about whether to raise the issue

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 15 May 2012 09:00:15 +0000

Not all of us know when, whether or how to be proactive and raise a conflictual issue with a person with whom we have an inner conflict. It’s a tough call at times and it takes some self-reflection to consider the pros and cons of doing so. There may in fact be occasions when we determine that it isn’t appropriate to raise a matter. On the other hand, if we are reluctant because we tend to avoid conflict it is important to consider that and what our objectives are for the situation, the relationship and ourselves. It could be that there will be a detrimental outcome by not facing ourselves and the other person. Under these circumstances it often happens that the inner conflict will continue to bother us and effect the relationship.

Weighing the risks and opportunities of our choices about whether to raise a conflict issue helps to enlighten our motivation and the outcomes we want. To answer the questions about this week’s blog, please consider a matter that you are not sure about raising:

What is your ambivalence about raising the issue?
What does your ambivalence say about what is important to you about the issues? About the relationship?
What fears may you have?
What else are you experiencing about this situation?
How important is the relationship on a scale of 1-5, 5 being ‘extremely important’? How important are the issues in dispute on the same scale?
If you don’t raise the issues, what then?
What is the best outcome if you do?
In what ways do the opportunities outweigh the risks of raising the issue – or vice versa?
What best outcome for you may be the best outcome for the other person too?
How do your answers to the above questions have an impact on how you are going to proceed?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add?

True or not so true conflict story-telling

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 08 May 2012 09:00:10 +0000

When we have had a dispute with another person, it is sometimes the case that the facts about what happened become distorted. This depends for instance, on how hurt and offended we feel, our relationship with the other person, our mood that day including extraneous matters that affect us and a host of other influences. Such factors have an impact on the ‘spin’ we convey to others on what transpired such as what we said and what the other person said. How we wished we had responded gets mixed with how we did respond. If we have trouble letting go or mending the situation, our emotional reactions often grow and can embellish or exaggerate our perspective on the situation, the other person and ourselves. We may also tend to play down our own contribution, as we hear ourselves speak our truths and our untruths.

What we do in response to conflict and how we do it are our own personal ways of managing each specific dispute with the specific person. Though our perceptions are our realities, we may be able to step back and gain different viewpoints that open up the possibilities for us and our relationships. Reflecting back in objective ways help to shift our approach. That is, one way of developing conflict mastery is to think carefully about the truths of what occurred and how acknowledging different realities changes our way forward.

Consider a dispute that has already occurred and which you realize you were not totally truthful about it, as you answer this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

What happened from your perspective in that dispute? (Describe the details as you recall them – what you said/did and what the other person said/did.)
In what ways would the other person’s version differ from yours?
What is not exactly true about your description?
What is going on for you about that/those things?
What are some other truths that you may be reluctant to express?
What do you suppose led you to distort the real truths?
What feelings are you not expressing about what occurred?
What do those feelings reflect about your true self in this conflict situation?
What do you wish you had said or done in that situation?
What truths do you know now that were not clear when you first started to answer this set of questions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add to this list?

Regrets After Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 01 May 2012 09:00:07 +0000

Having regrets about what happened in a conflict feels lousy. Our regrets are often remorse for things we wished we had said or done differently or not at all. Such ruminations generally trigger off a range of reactions in us such as our self-limiting beliefs, self-blame, insecurities and vulnerabilities. Our fears and “if only I had” thinking are other examples of how we handle regrets after our disputes are ostensibly over. Negative feelings that emerge about ourselves and the other person due to remorse add further layers to the initial conflict. The fact is we say and do things when in conflict that do not reflect who and how we want to be in the situation or the relationship. It may even seem as though we step out of ourselves and react in ways that are uncharacteristic of how we usually interact.

There are many consequences of regretting. Agonizing about what we said or did, self-criticizing and worrying are all energy draining. These and the related emotions can cause ongoing internal tension for us and external tension for the other person and those around us. In the end, regretting what we said or did – or didn’t say or do –doesn’t serve us well unless we learn from the experience and figure out how to apply that knowledge the next time.

For this week’s blog, it will help to bring to mind a conflict situation about which you continue to hold regrets:

What are your specific regrets about that situation?
What is the impact on you of those regrets?
What is the impact on the other person and the relationship?
What are other downsides of having regrets?
In what ways if any, may you be gaining from your regrets?
If you were to manage the situation differently, what would you have done or said?
What is the nature of your self-criticism or self-limiting beliefs about such situations?
What themes are there about your regrets in this situation as compared to other incidents about which you have also held regrets?
What options do you have about ways to manage situations that will not result in having regrets?
What is the lesson to be learned about regrets?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Forgetting About “It”

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:00:56 +0000

Intertwined with the notion of resilience and moving past the feelings and thoughts that emerge from our disputes is whether we can actually forget about what occurred. Or, do we store the emotional impact and the impressions we make about the other person and ourselves? It has been suggested in a previous blog that unless we unpack what happened for us in our interpersonal disputes we will carry the luggage around with us. This week the ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is more on this topic.

The starting point is that it is unlikely that we totally forget the interactions that offend us or in which we offend others. Some conflicts unfortunately leave indelible marks that make it difficult to forget about the pain of the interaction. Others of course, do not leave marks as deep. In either case, what we do hold onto in our hearts and minds is significant and the feelings and thoughts that remain commonly show up again in situations with the same person or with others when similar dynamics arise. It is also common that when we agonize about what remains unresolved, we misplace or displace our emotions on bystanders or issues that are not relevant. In any case, it helps us to focus on what we remember as an opportunity to develop our conflict mastery about how to lighten the load about the things we don’t forget.

For answering today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), please consider an interpersonal dispute which you are not forgetting:

What specifically are you not forgetting about that specific dispute?
What is particularly significant for you about that thing (those things)?
What is the impact on you about not forgetting that/those?
What impact do you think this (not forgetting) has on the other person?
What are you gaining from not forgetting? Losing?
If you think or feel it’s not necessary to forget or you prefer not to or the memory remains for other reasons, what are you holding onto mostly about this matter and for what reason(s)?
What would forgetting that thing (those things) be like for you?
What impact would forgetting have on the other person?
In what ways does the memory you have of this situation reflect something you are not forgetting about a previous situation (or situations) too?
What insights do these sets of questions provide?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Clarifying What’s Happening in a Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 09:00:33 +0000

So often we get wrapped up in an interpersonal conflict and lose track of what’s actually happening to us. We seem to let go of our grasp on the situation. Our emotional responses reflect the chaos and confusion going on in our hearts and minds. At these times, we may tend to misinterpret messages, attribute motives to the other person, lose our focus and lose perspective about what’s going on for us and what warrants clarification.

Before engaging the other person in a discussion to sort things out or before reflecting on the situation and what we are experiencing, it helps to find ways to gain some distance from what occurred and our reactions.

Though this dynamic may occur during and after conflict, the questions today are about clarifying things during conflict when it is evident that the interaction has begun to emerge. Please consider a conflict situation that has not yet erupted (and may have the potential for doing so), when answering the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

What are the signs you have in yourself (emotional, behavioural, physical, cognitive) that things are on the brink of erupting?
What are your fears?
What is bothering you most?
In what ways would it be a good thing if the conflict surfaces?
In what ways would it not be so good?
What are you saying or doing that is not productive and may not help the situation surface in a constructive way?
What is most unclear about this conflict for you?
What else are you unclear about, regarding his/her actions or perspective?
What doesn’t the other person seem to know or understand about you in this situation?
What are your choices about how to clarify things?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Reconciling Differences

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 09:00:08 +0000

Even when an interpersonal dispute appears to be resolved, there are times that some of us continue to feel unresolved in our hearts and mind. Why is that? There are lots of reasons this phenomenon occurs. These include lingering feelings of hurt, anger and other remaining negative emotions. Or, it could be the realization that we regret our unspoken words and sentiments. Or, we regret saying things we know we cannot take back now. A tendency to accommodate the other person’s needs more than our own and an inclination to yield to avoid further dissension may be other reasons for feelings and thoughts that linger. These are just some reasons that preclude us from reconciling differences.

To truly reconcile differences when we are involved in an interpersonal dispute extends beyond the issues in dispute and the appearance of reconciliation. At these times, it helps to consider what is important to us that we have not yet expressed. It is also helpful to acknowledge what remains unresolved in our hearts before proceeding as though things are really settled. This is easier said than done of course and is particularly the case when we perceive there are irreconcilable differences, and when we are anxious to feel better and reconnected with the other person.

This week’s blog asks you to look back at an interpersonal dispute that was settled – for all intents and purposes – but something is not reconciled for you.

What remains unresolved for you about that dispute?
What reasons may explain this?
What is the impact on you that the differences between you and the other person are not reconciled?
What may be unresolved for the other person in the dispute between you?
What reasons could there be for that?
What do you think the impact is on the other person?
What could the other person have said or done differently that may have led to a better outcome for you?
How would that have reconciled things for you?
What could you have done or said differently that may have reconciled your differences in a more satisfactory way?
What may you do now to reconcile the differences, if you want to?

Please feel free to add other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to those above.

Self-Care When In Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 09:00:42 +0000

When we are in conflict with another person we often lose our internal balance. This may occur whether or not we externalize our feelings and thoughts. Internal impact may be apparent when self-limiting beliefs kick in, or we worry and agonize at great length about what is happening. Negative emotions may take over – about the other person and ourselves. We may tend to blow things out of proportion. Tears may come easily or sit on the edge of our eyes. We may lose sleep, feel tense, criticize ourselves and feel at a loss to understand what’s happening to us.

Taking care of ourselves in these moments when our equilibrium is off kilter is so important. However, these are times when it’s likely that we do not have the wherewithal to consider what will help us feel better. By not figuring out how to care for ourselves at these times, we can perpetuate a cycle of self-blame or fault-finding or both. None of these reactions of course, helps us understand the dynamic, or to move on and learn from the interaction.

This week’s blog asks ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that are meant to encourage self-care when in conflict. Consider a situation in which increased self-care may have helped you cope better:

What do the words ‘self-care’ mean to you?
How do you usually take care of yourself? How were you not using self-care in the situation you have in mind (i.e. what were you doing that was not caring for yourself at that time)?
How may you take care of yourself about the situation you have in mind?
What do you want to feel about the situation and the other person that is something to aim for?
What do you want to feel about yourself?
What limiting beliefs are getting in your way?
What beliefs can you replace those with that will serve you better?
What are three things you hope or wish for yourself as you think about managing this conflict situation effectively?
What do those hopes or wishes say about what is important to you and could help you in your self-care?

Please feel free to suggest other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

Reconnecting when in Dispute

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 09:00:18 +0000

We often talk about the relationship breaking down when we are in a dispute and in fact, we do disconnect in many ways from the other person. We often lose connection with our own feelings and thoughts, too. It’s difficult to imagine that things can be mended when this happens and some of us experience mournful feelings – grieving that the relationship may be irreparable. It’s an uncomfortable and stressful place to be and we generally feel off balance and out of choice. These sorts of emotions and thoughts are often why some people avoid conflict. We fear that raising issues will have the potential for breaking the relationship.

Figuring out how to connect with the other person while we are in an interpersonal dispute may however, pre-empt the sense or reality that things are breaking down. That essentially means, trying to address what’s going on when the schism actually begins to form. At these times, it helps to consider how to make a link that reconnects us in some way and that reconnects us to ourselves too. Or, perhaps it really starts with the reconnection to ourselves.

Please consider how the questions in today’s blog may facilitate the possibility of reconnecting to ourselves and the other person, by considering a dispute where you still feel disconnected from the other person:

How may you describe the disconnect between you and the other person?
How may you describe the disconnect within you?
What does that feel like for you? What do you observe that the disconnection is like for the other person?
How badly do you want to be reconnected on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very much?
About what may the two of you still be connected?
What will connection look like when you achieve it?
What do you need right now to reconnect?
How do you want to feel about the other person when this occurs? How do you want him or her to feel about you?
How do you want to feel within you and about yourself?
How may you salvage these connections in the future when you begin to disconnect from yourself and the other person?

Please feel free to suggest other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

The Plantinum Moment of Choice in Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 09:00:07 +0000

Many of us experience inner reactions to another person’s words, actions, attitude or behaviours, but do not let him or her know. Fear of retaliation, encountering some other sort of combative response, becoming more upset and other perceived consequences often keep us from raising our concerns and pre-empting unnecessary friction. And suppressing our feelings does not help as inevitably they erupt somewhere along the road, and may even result in situations that can be even more unsettling. Our physical and emotional health can suffer too.

In most conflict situations, we have a choice as to when and how we respond (as opposed to react) that will short-circuit an unnecessary dispute and contribute to a healthy interaction about what’s happening. These are platinum moments of choice. This week’s blog is about determining that moment when we could choose an effective way to respond before hurt and other negative feelings escalate. It is about proactively managing ourselves and our expected reaction, rather than thinking the situation will improve on its own or just go away!

Please consider a situation that escalated into a dispute that you may have been able to short-circuit early on:

What was your first indication that something was irritating you? That is, how did you experience the interaction emotionally, cognitively and/or in your body?
What was it and what (words, attitude, actions, etc.) particularly provoked you?
What do you suppose the other person’s intent was (based on your interpretation rather than what you know with certainty)?
How did you react?
What could you have said or done differently, now that you reflect back?
At what point could you have chosen to respond differently?
What got in your way?
What may you have achieved by proceeding that way?
What challenges are there in seeing or feeling you have choices in those moments when you are provoked?
What are you thinking now about ways to identify platinum moments of choice?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add?