Over the many years that I’ve been a conflict management coach, many clients express sentiments that reflect self-undermining about their decision to stop fighting with someone and even end the relationship. These are often times they feel beleaguered by their interpersonal conflicts and no longer able to or wanting to assert their perspective and ‘fight the fight’ . They are typically full of self-blame and shame. And they have often reached their level of tolerance with the dynamic between them and another person.

Even using the words – ‘I am giving up’ is often accompanied by expressions of defeat by those who deem themselves as weak, unable to cope, and otherwise, using terms that reflect a perceived inability to assert their perspective, and gain what they want or need. Whether this self perception is due to ego driven factors, conditioning, societal pressure, or other reasons I find that many clients who use this term do not typically see themselves as strong for stopping the drama. Rather they often consider that letting go of the conflict and their position as weakness when it is really, they are demonstrating a sign of strength.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider your answers to the following questions regarding a conflict about which you are considering giving up.

• What is the situation about?
• What is your perspective that you are asserting (or want to assert)?
• What is the other person’s perspective, as far as you know?
• What about your perspective makes it right for you?
• What makes your perspective wrong for the other person?
• For what other reasons is the other person strongly holding on to their perspective ?
• How much does it matter to you on a scale of 1-10 to convince the other person to see things your way – 10 being very much and 1 being not at all?
• If you let go, what do you feel you would be giving up ?
• If the other person gave up what would that be like for you?
• What is weak about giving up this conflict for you?
• If you were to give up how might that be seen as a sign of strength?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

I find this to be an interesting quote and though it does not necessarily apply to all sorts of conflicts it applies to interpersonal ‘wars’ in many cases. Our interpretation of how this sentence applies to an interpersonal dispute when one of us refuses to settle our differences and reach a mutually acceptable resolution is important to consider. Is it because, for instance, that we don’t share ideas on what constitutes peace?

In pondering this further, it’s worth considering that peace takes on various forms in our relational disputes. That is, for many, examples of peace include an end to the fighting, an apology, a ‘break up’, an acknowledgement of wrongdoing, an admission, acceptance of the other person’s perspective, an offer to settle the matter, taking ownership of ‘bad behaviour’, a promise to comply or try not to repeat the offensive ways of communicating. Knowing what we feel is a peaceful resolution and determining what the other person wants then, are critical for deciding whether either or both will be able to reach the peace they want.

When you think about a situation you are currently in or you have been in, there might be scenarios for which reconciling differences isn’t a shared goal – one that gives peace to you and the other person. This could be for various reasons including different definitions of what constitutes peace, and an internal war between thoughts and feelings about what will be best,  feel best, and even look best going forward. The dissonance alone can create internal war and external manifestation of what we are experiencing. Further, though it may be that the dispute has no peaceful resolution that is mutually acceptable. This is a reality that warrants consideration when determining whether our internal war necessarily leads to interpersonal peace.

This Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an ongoing ‘war’ you are experiencing with another person as you answer these questions:

• What is the ‘war’ about from your perspective?
• What do you think led to the start of the ‘war’?
• What is the internal war you are experiencing -in your heart and thoughts – about the other person? About what they said or did?
• If you want there to be peace, what would that look like (be like, feel like) for you?
• If you don’t necessarily want peace between you and the other person, what are the reasons? What do you want instead?
• What do you think it would take to gain peace between you and the other person if you want it?
• What might  the other person explain the ‘war’ between you?
• What might their internal war be about, as far as you know or can perceive ?
• If the other person does not want peace, what reasons might there be, from what you can tell/know?
• If the other person wants peace between you, what do you think they hope you will say or do to lean the dispute between you in that direction?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

How to respond – rather than react – at these times is a choice, though it doesn’t necessarily feel like that. Our gut instincts, our heart and emotions, our mind, our bodies, our faces get engaged in some way or another and our sense of reason gets lost as we express our reaction in any number of ways.  Essentially, when we become embroiled in the emotional reaction we are experiencing and our sense of reason is compromised we do not typically consider we have a choice but to react spontaneously – often to our detriment – but, not always.

Let’s consider the good, the bad and the ugly of reacting quickly. The good thing is,our strong and first reactions may be the most honest ones.  They might best reflect the degree of hurt we are experiencing about the other’s offensive behaviour.  It might say – literally – what needs to get said that we have till now hesitated to express. These and other reasons support reacting with whatever comes to us!

And then there are those not so good reasons to react in the moment we are offended. One of the reasons is we may have misinterpreted what was said. We may not hear through what is happening for the other person that is important to them. We may not hear something that would be good for us and the relationship. We may cause the other person extreme hurt – with a quick unthoughtout reaction – and cause prolonged dissension.

Then, to name a few uglies – we might have missed the point and escalate a dynamic to ridiculous heights. We may be reacting to historical provocations that are unrelated to the dynamic between us and the other person. Another possibility is we might act and speak in such a strong and destructive way that the relationship ends altogether. We may agonize for a long period afterwards and experience ongoing and unreconcilable shame and self-blame and regret.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the choices you had about an interpersonal dispute in which you reacted quickly (this is a dispute  you already experienced and are revisiting to consider the good and the bad and the ugly of it) .

• What was that dispute about?
• To what did you strongly react?
• How would you describe your reaction?
• What do you consider good about your reaction at the time?
• What do you consider bad about your reaction?
• What was ugly about your reaction?
• At what point did you have a choice in how to react?
• What reasons do you suppose you chose that reaction at the time?
• If you think you didn’t have a choice why would that be the case?
• If you had to do it over again- knowing what you know now – what other choices regarding your responses might have served you and the relationship better?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(From the archives)

(I’d like to properly attribute the above sentences in quotes to the author. However, a colleague sent them to me from something they read and cannot identify who wrote them.)

The sentiments expressed are not novel. The wording however is so poignant that I wanted to share and discuss them with you.

It has been evident in my conflict coaching practice (and not unique for clients who retain me) that many people live in regret about the adverse outcomes of their interpersonal disputes – when they avoid them or remain silent. They regret a range of things including the lack of resolution and reconciliation, misinterpretation of the unspoken, unmet needs, the buildup of negative emotions, the unsaid, not defending themselves, and other experiences in the after math.  And many share that they tend to avoid disputing or have remained silent for many reasons including fear of retaliation/retribution, hurting the other person, getting more upset, lack of confidence or courage or both  for these reasons and others, and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider your regrets about a dispute that you avoided or one about which you remained silent when answering these questions:

What happened in the situation you have in mind?

What were you avoiding?

What else contributed to you remaining silent?

What do you wish you had said?

What do you think contributed to your reluctance to engage with the other person?

What are the regrets that have stayed with you?

How do you suppose the other person interpreted your response ( to avoid, remain silent)?

What do you suppose the reasons are that you avoid or remain silent if this is your tendency when it comes to interpersonal conflict?

If you do not always tend to remain silent or avoid conflict, under what circumstances are you more inclined to speak up, respond to , initiate contentious issues?

What are the downsides of avoiding and remaining silent that you’ve learned over time? What might it take for you to overcome the tendency to avoid?

What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?

What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

In any type of coaching the first main question coaches ask clients is what they want to achieve. Whether it is that day or overall – the idea, of course, is to determine the goals of people who want to make changes in their lives. When it comes to conflict management coaching, clients’ goals are typically long term such as being more conflict competent, becoming less avoidant about conflict, gaining more confidence when it comes to difficult conversations and so on. The importance of getting clear on what clients and we want to accomplish when it comes to our interpersonal disputes cannot be overstated.

What I have found as a coach with a conflict speciality is that what clients say they want in conflict usually extends well beyond what issues are in dispute, and what they initially express as their hope and desire. They are often apprehensive about expressing what is on their mind and about approaching the other person to resolve or at least, discuss things. For instance, someone might say “I want to explain to my boss why I couldn’t get the job done on time and I know they will freak out and I won’t know how to deal with that!” There are many possible underlying goals here and that’s exactly what coaches aim to elicit so that there is clarity about what is most important to clients. In this example, the client’s underlying goal might be to improve the way they deliver messages, to be better skilled at responding rather than reacting to people who “freak out”, to establish a connection with the boss who might be underestimating the client’s skills and so on. So, there could be many more goals or one main one.

The message though, as you see, is to define what it is that clients (and we) are after when in dispute  so that attempts to determine goals are properly focused on what is really and truly wanted and not what initially comes to us while in the heat of the dispute. As Halle Berry says in the quote above –“without knowing what you are after you’ll never get it”.

With this in mind, I invite you to bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which you are feeling apprehensive to address. This exercise is to support you as you deconstruct the situation with these questions to gain clarity on what it is you really want.

• What is the dispute about?
• What started this conflict from your perspective?
• Where are things at right now for you?
• What would the other person say the dispute is about? What would they say started it? How might they describe where things are now?
• What do you want to have happen about the issue(s) in dispute? What else? Thinking more about it -anything else?
• What do you want to have happen with the relationship? What else?
• What might the other person want to have happen in the dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What might they want regarding the relationship? What else?
• What do you fear most? What fears might the other person have?
• What are you not considering here – now that you are deconstructing that conflict – that might be fueling your apprehension about moving forward with your goals?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(From the archives)

Though not always recognized as such, we need courage for many things we encounter in our day to day lives that make us afraid. And I find that when it comes to interpersonal conflict fears preclude speaking our truth and, among other things, they get in the way of strengthening our relationships, our confidence and even our self-worth. In keeping with the title of this blog then, ignoring our fears (though admittedly hard to do!) makes space for us to rely on our bravery to make important choices and to take action that serve us better.

What fears might you experience when it comes to your relational disputes? I have had fears of being hurt or abandoned when I’m in conflict with others, of being shamed, and of losing face.  I’ve also experienced fears about feeling guilty, and about the possibility of unresolved or irreconcilable issues resulting from the conflict.  Similarly, fears of possible irreparable damage or awful confrontation preclude speaking up. I’ve had fears, too, that I won’t walk away (even when that’s actually the optimum outcome).  These are just some of the many fears I can recall about my own relational disputes and I’ve heard these sorts of fears and others from my coaching clients, too.

Identifying our fears ends up being an important exercise because it helps us process what’s keeping us from drawing on our courage to speak up and out. Once we bring our fears about any given conflict to our conscious awareness we can then consider their reality and ways to ignore them so they won’t stop us from being true to ourselves.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal conflict about which you fear what to say or do, or whether to say or do anything.

• What’s the situation?
• How would you describe the fears you are experiencing about this?
• What’s the worst case scenario you are imagining?
• What could the worst case scenario be like for you? In what ways is this possibility realistic? Not realistic?
• What possible good (best case scenario) might come out of this dispute?
• How would you describe what courage looks like – to be able to ignore the fears you expressed and address this conflict the way you want (and aim for the best case scenario – your answer to the above question)?
• What more specifically do you need, do you think, to overcome your fears in the situation you are discussing here (including if it means walking away)?
• What would it feel like for you to use your courage to handle this conflict the way you want?
• If you don’t handle the conflict the way you really want what difference will that make for you, if any?
• When you feel bravest about anything you face that is difficult, what do you think helps you most to engage your ability to act with courage that you want to remember and routinely call on going forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

This year I will respect, appreciate and honour our differences.

This year I will remember I have room in my heart to love more and to love more deeply.

This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more and continue to tell them how grateful I am that they are in my life, and how much I love them.

This year I will listen more deeply – and with more compassion, kindness, and love.

This year I will approach my interpersonal conflicts with increased thoughtfulness, patience, and openness. I will step back with humility to fully consider the other person’s perspective and apologize when I have wronged or hurt them. And in the aftermath of the conflict I will consider what I learned and not spend unnecessary energy on self-blame.

This year I will be true to and gentle with myself and treat others as though we share these intentions for our respective well-beings.

This year I will speak my truth and welcome others to speak theirs and I will carefully listen to them without judgment.

This year I will admit when I misspeak and learn from the mistakes I make. I will forgive myself for misspeaking and making mistakes and I will forgive others for theirs.

This year I will reach out, even more, to give support and caring to those in need.

This year I will do more to build peace – one person at a time.

Sending you my warmest regards and may year 2026 be full of joy and good health and love for you and yours  – and peace for us all.

Cinnie Noble, CINERGY® Coaching

www.cinergycoaching.com

Though not always recognized as such, we need courage for many things we encounter in our day to day lives that make us afraid. And I find that when it comes to interpersonal conflict fears preclude speaking our truth and, among other things, they get in the way of strengthening our relationships, our confidence and even our self-worth. In keeping with the title of this blog then, ignoring our fears (though admittedly hard to do!) makes space for us to rely on our bravery to  make important choices and to take action that serve us better.

What fears might you experience when it comes to your relational disputes? I have had fears of being hurt or abandoned when I’m in conflict with others, of being shamed, and of losing face.  I’ve also experienced fears about feeling guilty, and about the possibility of unresolved or irreconcilable issues resulting from the conflict. Similarly, fears of possible irreparable damage or awful confrontation preclude speaking up. I’ve had fears too, that I won’t walk away (even when that’s actually the optimum outcome).  These are just some of the many fears I can recall about my own relational disputes and I’ve heard these sorts of fears and others from my coaching clients, too.

Identifying our fears ends up being an important exercise because it helps us process what’s keeping us from drawing on our courage to speak up and out. Once we bring our fears about any given conflict to our conscious awareness we can then consider their reality and ways to work ignore them so they won’t stop us from being true to ourselves.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions)  blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal conflict about which you fear what to say or do, or whether to say or do anything.

• What’s the situation?
• How would you describe the fears you are experiencing about this?
• What’s the worse case scenario you are imagining?
• What could the worse case scenario be like for you? In what ways is this possibility realistic? Not realistic?
• What possible good (best case scenario) might come out of this dispute?
• How would you describe what courage looks like – to be able to ignore the fears you expressed  and address this conflict the way you want (and aim for the best case scenario – your answer to the above question)?
• What more specifically do you need, do you think, to overcome your fears in the situation you are discussing here (including if it means walking away)?
• What would it feel like for you to use your courage to handle this conflict the way you want?
• If you don’t handle the conflict the way you really want what difference will that make for you, if any?
• When you feel bravest about anything you face that is difficult, what do you think helps you most to engage your ability to act with courage that you want to remember and routinely call on going forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

The above quote (not attributed to an author) caught my attention for several reasons and one of those is that the first three are common sentiments expressed by many of my conflict management coaching clients. With increased awareness, confidence, and conflict competence gained through coaching clients’ shifts are often towards determining and acting on some ways to get in touch with their self-limiting beliefs to be able to mend the broken relationship and mend their pain (these two results are not always one and the same). When the shift occurs it is evident that the shift is typically from the heart rather than from the range of reasons that have till then precluded ‘heartfelt action’.

When I hear the statement – “It’s impossible” – many people involved in an interpersonal dispute automatically go to a place of fear about how to proceed. They might say, ‘I know them – it just isn’t going to work’; ‘what if they reject me even more?’ and ‘what if they won’t accept my apology?’ These and other phrases and questions not only reflect fundamental fear about being rejected (which often has deep roots). They also reflect the next point – “It’s risky” – which is similarly experienced based. Certainly, previous trauma and other situations from our pasts form the foundation that precludes action and making decisions when the situation brings up scary and threatening histories. Other reasons based on our past experiences with this person or with others regarding interpersonal disputes results in us thinking it’s risky to try again leading to – “It’s pointless”. This is commonly heard when clients feel hopeless, bereft, and full of doubt that anything can be salvaged, or that their attempts to try could be successful. Many who say this are trying to be practical rather than put themselves through more grief.

The reasons stated here and many more contribute to the hesitance many of us feel about the thought of trying to make amends or even finding a way to re-engage persons with whom we are in dispute – whether to bridge the schism or to speak our truth which might not necessarily do so.

“Give it a try” the last point in the quote though is very often what our hearts really want to do. It’s the “whisper” that is there – that doesn’t speak louder until we are ready – if we have some hope to be heard, to make amends, to let go and so on. When the pain from the conflict is deep, it is of course, harder to act and therefore, more difficult to consider attempts at reconciliation or otherwise confronting the other person’s bad behaviour. Such attempts seem too “impossible”, “risky”, and “pointless”. And underneath the hesitancy to see how to make amends or speak out we likely know, at some level of our consciousness, that our fears, past experiences, and reason are drowning out the whisper – and we are missing an opportunity to find some peace.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to see if you can find yourself in the three sentences of the quote above and consider what your heart is whispering.

• What situation do you have in mind when thinking about a conflict that you are hesitant to act on?
• What is your heart feeling and whispering to you right now about this conflict?
• What makes acting on this situation (making amends, speaking out etc.) impossible?
• What are the underlying fears about acting on the situation?
• What’s risky about acting on the situation?
• Which of your life experiences is talking here?
• What reasons might it be pointless to act on this situation from your perspective?
• What is the impact on you when you consider reconciling your differences with the other person (if you want to) or, otherwise giving voice to your experience – the not yet spoken words?
• What is your heart whispering to you now as you consider various things here (same as above or if different, how so)?
• What do you really want to say to the other person if you were to feel/believe you have whatever takes to act on what your heart is now whispering? What do you think it will take?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

To focus your energy and also, process the incident then, consider starting a sentence with “I wish you hadn’t (wouldn’t)….” and fill in the blank with as many words as you want to express what it is that offended (hurt, disappointed etc.) you. The things we identify this way signify what’s important to us in our lives, our relationships, what we value, what we need from others and what threatens the safety of our relationships. Acknowledging those important values and needs etc. helps strengthen our conflict mastery skills, too.

Again, though we cannot control what another person says or does, we can decide whether it is the sort of behaviour we are willing to accept or not and if so, what needs to be in place to foster a healthy relationship. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you then, to consider your limits of tolerance and acceptance – and what you can and cannot control. To do so it is suggested that you consider  a specific situation that pushed your limits of acceptability.

• What happened?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that pushed your limit of tolerance?
• Which of your values or needs were undermined by the other person with those words or actions (your answer(s) to the above question)?
• How did you react internally? How did you respond outwardly?
• What did you hope that the other person would have done or said instead?
• What difference might that have made if they had done so ( your answer to the previous question)?
• What, if anything, might have been controllable (by you) about how this person interacted?
• How would you have asserted some controls (your answer to the previous questions)?
• What  else do you wish you had said or done differently? 
• What might the other person have wished you had said or done?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?