The CINERGY Conflict Management Coaching Blog | ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions)

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 14 May 2013 09:00:57 +0000

I was fairly young when I first heard the idiom ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’. It was one of my mother’s pearls of wisdom. Her name was Pearle and so, she took her name seriously by dispensing precious lessons on life with short homilies and expressions.

I recall this particular one was said to me when I wanted something from my cousin and after a few attempts at asking nicely, I gave up and became more demanding. I can still hear my mother making this statement and me discovering, this time and others, that using a sweet approach rather than a sour one works most of the time.

Recently I looked up the meaning of the metaphor – ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’ – and not surprisingly the description is as follows: “Flies represent anything you want to achieve. Honey (sweet) represents anything pleasant that you do to get what you want. Vinegar (sour) represents anything unpleasant that you do to get what you want. It tells you to use nice methods rather than unkind methods in dealing with other people.”

Though I have never been overly fond of the word ‘nice’, I understand the lesson made by differentiating the use of honey and vinegar in this idiom and the difference it makes to a conflict whether we are nice or not. This expression is pertinent to this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, for which readers are asked to consider the queries below as they relate to a conflict in which you used honey and/or vinegar:

In what way(s) did you use honey in that conflict? (What was ‘nice’ about this approach?)
What happened as a consequence of using honey?
In what way(s) did you use vinegar? (How was that approach ‘unkind’?)
What happened as a consequence of using vinegar?
How would you describe the specific flies you caught with the honey you used?
What specific flies did you ‘catch’ with the vinegar you used?
What flies didn’t you ‘catch’ with the honey or vinegar that you wanted to?
How would you describe the impact on the other person when you used honey? When you used vinegar?
When someone has used honey with you, how have you experienced that? When they used vinegar?
What lessons occur to you about the expression ‘you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar’?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

The post You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

Conflict Resilience

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 07 May 2013 09:00:37 +0000

The aftermath of conflict is fraught with ongoing tension for many. Even when a situation is resolved, it is common that residual feelings and thoughts prevail. Hurt, anger, disappointment, and other emotions that linger reflect unresolved needs for which blame and criticism and other negative reactions may remain. Some people are plagued by wish-statements like: “I wish I had said…”; or “I wish I hadn’t…” Sometimes, the afterthought and feelings overwhelm and preclude any semblance of resolution or reconciliation that had appeared as outcomes.

A questionnaire CINERGY® designed on the subject of resilience provides a self-assessment on this subject. It is called the Conflict Resilience Quotient (CRQ) and this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites readers to check out your conflict resilience by completing the form below.

After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually tend to:	Less More True True
Recover quickly and do not worry, agonize or stay preoccupied about what the other person said or did that offended me.	1 2 3 4 5
Forgive and do not bear a grudge about the other person and what s/he said or did. Or if I am not ready to forgive yet, I don’t let the interaction weigh me down.	1 2 3 4 5
Reflect on what I learned from the conflict that will help me manage future disagreements.	1 2 3 4 5
Reach out to make amends with the other person, or talk out and clarify our differences.	1 2 3 4 5
Take responsibility for my part of the conflict and consider what I may have done differently.	1 2 3 4 5
Not share my side of the situation with others in self-serving and distorted ways.	1 2 3 4 5
Feel hopeful that things will be better and consider how I will try to contribute positively to this happening.	1 2 3 4 5
Move on and not see myself as a victim or feel sorry for myself.	1 2 3 4 5
Not continue to perceive the other person in negative ways.	1 2 3 4 5
Not gossip about and bad-mouth the other person to others.	1 2 3 4 5
Identify what may have been important to the other person that I did not realize before.	1 2 3 4 5
Apologize for my part of the conflict.	1 2 3 4 5
Have a better appreciation for and understanding of the other person’s perspective on the issues, even if I don’t agree with it.	1 2 3 4 5
Not criticize, blame myself or engage in other self-deprecating behaviors about what I did or said (or didn’t say or do).	1 2 3 4 5
Let go of blaming the other person for what s/he did or said (or didn’t say or do).	1 2 3 4 5
Total:

Scoring Key

15-39 Hmmm…I guess you already know you are not conflict resilient and coaching is highly recommended.

40-54 Your conflict resilience quotient is low and conflict coaching is recommended.

55-69 You are conflict resilient with a few areas that could use some work to strengthen your skills even more.

70-75 You are definitely conflict resilient!

Feel free to share you further thoughts regarding what constitutes resilience when it comes to conflict in the Comment section below.

The post Conflict Resilience appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

Speaking Up

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:00:26 +0000

One of the things that leads to conflict – at least inner conflict – is when we seem to lose the ability to speak up, voice our needs, express our feelings, defend our perspective, and so on. This may have to do with the fear of conflict and ironically, can easily result in unnecessary discord and tension – at least internally.

There may be some situations and people that are more challenging than others that seem to preclude the wherewithal to speak up. Or, for some speaking up does not come easily, under any or most circumstances. In any case, interpersonal conflict can be a time when self-limiting beliefs and behaviours go into high gear for some people and their confidence plummets along with self-esteem.

For this week’s blog, please consider a situation in which you are not speaking up, to be able to put the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) within that context:

Firstly, what does the expression ‘speaking up’ mean to you?
What is the particular situation you have in mind in which you are not speaking up?
What are the main messages that you would express, if you did speak up?
What is most important to you about conveying that (those) message(s)?
What is keeping you from speaking up?
What is the best case scenario if you convey the message you want?
In your view, what best describes the opposite of speaking up?
If you were to overcome whatever is keeping you from speaking up, how would that be for you?
How would you describe the opportunities that speaking up will make more possible?
How would you feel if you spoke up and your message got across?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

The post Speaking Up appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

Bottling Things Up

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 09:00:35 +0000

One of the things that happens when an interpersonal conflict begins to brew is a need to decide whether or not to raise the issue, concern, etc. with the other person. And how and when to do so, if that is the choice we make. This conundrum is often complicated for those who have a tendency to ‘bottle things up’ which essentially translates into containing thoughts and feelings and a hesitancy to share what is happening.

Let’s take the imagery of bottling things up a little further by picturing the bottle. To start with – depending on the situation and the person – we may view what’s in the bottle as inconsequential. This may mean we see some stuff in it, but not much to fuss about. As thoughts and feelings begin to grow – due to repeated and noxious interactions with the other person – picture the bottle becoming fuller of stuff that is murky and not very appetizing. When this occurs, it becomes more evident to us, and likely the other person, that we are bottling things up. For instance, we may look and feel as though we are on the brink of overflowing.

This week’s blog asks readers to consider a situation in which this metaphor applies to you when answering these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

If you are inclined to bottle things up, how do you describe that tendency?
What specific emotions are you are bottling up about a situation you have in mind?
What percentage of the bottle is consumed with these negative feelings?
What thoughts are you bottling up?
What percentage of the bottle is consumed with your negative thoughts?
What may cause the feelings and thoughts in the bottle to overflow?
What could you say or do to reduce your negative emotions about the situation or other person that would be helpful? What could you say or do to reduce your negative thoughts?
What would you pour out first if you were to intentionally tip the bottle?
When you ultimately empty the bottle, what will that be and feel like?
When you begin to bottle things up at a future time, what may you do differently if you don’t want to do so?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

The post Bottling Things Up appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

Rage is a Four-Letter Word

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 09:00:03 +0000

Rage is a word that describes a strong emotion that sometimes evolves when we are in conflict. It is not necessarily an immediate reaction. Rather, it is one that often signals an escalation of feelings such as anger and hurt about a person and/or an issue. The build-up erupts into a state of being furious, incensed, and out of control of our words, thoughts, and emotions.

This week’s blog considers that rage, like some other ‘four-letter words’ stated fiercely, is an extreme reaction. The evolution of emotions that becomes rage often seems to be a consequence of continuing disagreement in which issues that are important to us are not being resolved. This is usually accompanied by a sense that our needs, hopes, and expectations are not going to be met. I also think rage arises when we perceive and fear that our deep-felt beliefs, values, and feelings are being ignored.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time when you became enraged in conflict or experienced someone else’s rage.

Generally, how do you describe what happens to you when you become enraged?
What are the specific feelings you are experiencing at these times?
Considering a specific incident when you became enraged, how do you describe your reaction at that particular time?
What was the result of your reaction – for you? The other person?
What was clear to you about what led to your reaction? What wasn’t clear?
How did the other person react to your rage?
When you have experienced another person’s rage at you, how did you react internally? Externally?
In that case, what did you understand about the other person or the situation that you hadn’t before she or he raged at you? What became less clear?
If you want to change a rage reaction (your own) from erupting in the future, what may you do differently?
What may you do differently in the future in response to someone who reacts to you in rage?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

The post Rage is a Four-Letter Word appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

Disputes: A Clash of Imperfect Ideas

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 09:00:48 +0000

It is common in the midst of conflict that we become more assertive about our perspective – especially when the other person is equally or more assertive about hers or his. One or both of us may push our viewpoints to the extent that things escalate and stronger feelings evolve – accompanied by even more push back. It is as though both of us are convinced and have to convince the other that our view is the perfect and correct one.

The expression ‘a clash of imperfect ideas’ is one I read in the book The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach and it struck me as a great way of viewing conflict. After all, no one idea is perfect and no one of us is perfect. Though we may know that intellectually, conflict often brings out a certain righteousness that explicitly or implicitly says otherwise.

It seems to me that to prevent the unnecessary escalation of conflict, thinking in terms of this reframe – a clash of imperfect ideas – may alleviate the pressure or expectation that there is a right and wrong about the situation and one another – when we are in conflict. Somehow the notion that there doesn’t have to be a perfect idea reduces the energy that goes into fighting for a right and wrong. At least, that is one way of reappraising conflict!

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog picks up on previous ones relating to this theme and invites you to consider a current dispute in which you and the other person have become polarized in your perspectives.

What is the clash about?
What is your position on the issues in dispute?
What is perfect about your perspective? What is imperfect about it?
What is the other person’s position on the issues in dispute?
What is perfect about her or his perspective? What is imperfect about it?
Which idea(s) do(es) not really work as a mutually agreeable solution?
What idea may be a perfect solution for you both?
If this last solution is not something that you can live with, what is still clashing for you?
What other choices may be acceptable?
What has unclashed for you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

The post Disputes: A Clash of Imperfect Ideas appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

Yelling in Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 09:00:19 +0000

As long as I can remember when I heard people yell at each other, or one person yelling at someone, I reacted internally with fear. I do not know how to articulate my fears. I just know there was something unnerving for me. When I began to work in the conflict management field I was increasingly exposed to situations in which people yelled and I became more and more aware of the range of things that seemed to incite people to scream at one another. To do my work effectively, I reflected on my angst and tried to understand what was happening for people who yell.

Based on my observations, it is evident that people yell at one another (or one yells at someone) for a wide range of reasons, such as when they are very hurt, as an outlet for built up frustrations and other feelings, to win a fight, to make a point, to reject someone or an idea, to assert power, to put someone down, to defend one’s view, or to hurt another person. It may be that for people who yell other ways of expressing what is important to them have not worked. Or, the emotional pain may be so deep that yelling seems like the only way of coping.

For all intents and purposes, yelling is not a productive way to manage interpersonal conflict. What I have seen is that it often serves to heighten the tension, discord, and emotions. What’s not as obvious for me is whether people who yell when in conflict are aware or care in those moments if it helps or hinders the situation or the relationship. I think not.

If you tend to yell or can think of an occasion or occasions when you did so, please consider a specific situation when answering today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

What happened in the specific situation that resulted in you yelling at the other person?
What did you yell?
What did it feel like to yell?
What were you aiming to achieve by yelling?
What point(s) do you know you made when you yelled? What point(s) did you not get across?
What were you feeling at the time about the other person? Yourself?
How did the other person respond?
How did yelling help the relationship? Hinder it?
When someone has yelled at you how did you feel about yourself? The other person?
Besides yelling, what else may have worked in the specific situation you referred to at the beginning?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

The post Yelling in Conflict appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 09:00:02 +0000

I have used the expression “the straw that broke the camel’s back” or a similar idiom when referring to an incident that pushes an ongoing situation too far across a line of tolerance. I didn’t know the derivation of this particular expression and when I looked it up I found the meaning is consistent with this same notion.

According to Wikipedia, the straw that broke the camel’s back is from an Arabic proverb about “how a camel is loaded beyond its capacity to move or stand”. It is a “reference to any process by which cataclysmic failure (a broken back) is achieved by a seemingly inconsequential addition, a single straw. This also gives rise to the phrase ‘the last/final straw’, used when something is deemed to be the last in a line of unacceptable occurrences.” A similar proverb is “the drop that makes the cup overflow”.

Most of us have likely encountered situations in which something that seems innocuous triggers off a noxious outcome. At this point we may blurt out words we cannot take back or otherwise react in ways that leave some sort of damage. This week’s blog invites you to consider a situation when this has happened to you, as you answer the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

What is the situation? What was the “straw that broke the camel’s back” for you in that interaction?
What more specifically made that the breaking point?
How did you react?
What happened as a consequence?
What sorts of things had built up for you and between you that resulted in that outcome?
At what point may it have been advantageous for you to save the straw from being the one- more-time or one-last-thing in the situation?
What could you have done at that time?
What stopped you from doing or saying that?
When you have observed “the straw that broke the camel’s back” for someone else, how would you describe what occurred?
What do you think has to happen in the future to prevent the camel’s back from breaking?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

The post The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

Forgiving When Asked

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 09:00:56 +0000

Forgive me. I apologize. I was an idiot. You didn’t deserve what I said. I was so wrong. I didn’t mean it. You are a saint for putting up with me. Will you please forgive me? In whatever form requests for forgiveness take, it is not incumbent upon the receiver to forgive. For some reason many people think they ‘should’ forgive or at least say they do. It’s just not always that straightforward.

When it comes to interpersonal conflict, we all have our own range of thresholds – what is forgivable and what is not. The nature of the relationship and history, the degree of hurt we experience, timing, what was said or done, how it was said or done, and what deeply held value or need was threatened, are just some of the variables that have an impact on our willingness to forgive.

Though we may think forgiving is a required response to an apology or request for forgiveness, the reality is that for many people some things are unforgiveable. In these cases, any amount of apologizing does not repair the pain and indelible marks left behind. There is just no rule about forgiving.

For this series of ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) consider a situation in which someone in your life is asking or has asked for your forgiveness:

What is one incident that resulted in the other person asking you for your forgiveness?
What did she or he specifically say or do that pained you most?
How would you describe the impact on you?
What did she or he say by way of apologizing or asking for forgiveness?
What worked for you about that apology/request?
What didn’t work?
What, if anything, do you wish she or he had said or done differently by way of apologizing and asking for forgiveness?
If you think or feel you ‘should’ forgive, why is that?
If you want to forgive, what would it take for that to happen?
What do you think would happen if you don’t forgive? If you do?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

The post Forgiving When Asked appeared first on CINERGY Coaching.

Conflict: Threat or Treat

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 09:00:52 +0000

It may seem a strange coupling – threat or treat – when it comes to talking about conflict. Threat is, of course, more straightforward, since we commonly sense some type of challenge when we are in conflict. That is, if we perceive that something undermines our values, beliefs, or needs, we may experience that as a threat to us and our identities. Sensing any sort of threat when we are in conflict causes feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. This may, for instance, be due to fears about losing the relationship, something important to us that we are fighting for, our equilibrium, and so on. Unfortunately, too, some people experience physical threats.

Considering interpersonal disputes (not those that include physical assault) the ‘are-you-kidding-me’ question then is, what can the word treat possibly have to do with conflict? Well, it is suggested here that the treat – defined simply as “something special” – is the potential within conflict. If well-managed, the opportunities in a dispute may include a better understanding and connection, a clearer perspective on the issues and its impact, the opportunity to check out assumptions, to apologize, to forgive, and to move on.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, I’ve taken the ‘h’ out of the word threat to ask the following how questions, essentially about the treat in conflict. To start with, please consider a conflict that feels threatening when answering the following:

How does what happened between you and the other person feel like a threat?
How does that impact you?
How have you contributed to the conflict dynamic?
How may she or he have experienced your actions or words as a threat?
How may the conflict situation actually be a treat for you, i.e. as defined above or in other ways you may define it? How may the conflict situation not be a treat for you, i.e. as defined above or in other ways you may define it?
How will you apply what you have learned in this conflict to future ones?
How is that learning a treat?
How may the conflict be a treat for the other person? How may it not be a treat for her or him?
How, in the future, may you make conflicts less of a threat and more of a treat for you? For the other person?
How do the questions here provide a different perspective on conflicts?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

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