My conflict management coaching practice is full of clients wanting to do conflict better and I know many friends and family members who also report this desire. I, like you I expect, am a life-long learner – trying to be better at many things including how to engage effectively in conflict- with competence and confidence! I acknowledge it’s hard and that being better at conflict – doing it well – requires us to know how and when to stand up, when and how to stand down, how to respond from a place that shows self-awareness, compassion, self-respect, kindness, honesty, dignity,  and a willingness to hear and connect about our differences.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog challenges you to consider how you would like to do better when it comes to engaging in conflict. To do so, I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute you know you didn’t do very well.

• What is/was the dispute about?
• What did you say or do in that conflict that you realize was not very effective, kind, smart, compassionate, etc.?
• What impact did you observe or hear regarding the other person’s experience of what you said or did?
• Thinking about it now, what specifically would you have said or done differently if you had it to do over again?
• If a close and caring friend observed you in that conflict about what might they be surprised (disappointed) considering how you interacted?
• What makes being more effective in conflict most difficult for you?
• What are 5 things you would like the people with whom you are in conflict say about how you engage in it i.e., what characteristics would you like them to attribute to you?  What would you like to be able to say about yourself and how you engage in conflict that reflects the better version of you?
• In what ways are your answers different in the two previous questions if they are?
• What would it take for you to think more highly of yourself when it comes to how you engage in conflict?
• Looking back on the same dispute you started with here (first question) what are the three learnings you have gained from answering the questions here so far?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(From the archives)

There are various ways of processing the meaning of this phrase when you think about it. ‘Say what you mean’, for instance, typically arises in a dispute or can lead to one when we (or the other person) are perceived as being indirect, not clear, holding back, passive-aggressive and other ways of interacting that triggers the other person. And ‘mean what you say’ often comes up when someone is perceived as insincere, phony, dishonest, and other such characteristics.

The phrases said together, as they often are, are doubly loaded with the above perceptions and can initiate or exacerbate a dispute. Being honest seems to be the underlying message and honesty is often difficult at times we are fearful, upset and confused. Also, when we don’t feel safe to tell the truth, we won’t. Fear will keep us from saying what we mean or what we are thinking and that clearly creates a dynamic that is difficult to resolve

Considering this phrase then (‘say what you mean and mean what you say’), and its possible relevance to a situation you are in, the following questions may help to facilitate a deeper dive to uncover the impact of the conflict dynamic and the resolution of this matter:

• If you said this phrase (bolded above) or something similar – or even if what you were thinking – reflected the essence of this statement, what did the other person say or do that led you to say or think this phase?
• What was your perception of what was transpiring between you two at that time?
• What specifically do you think the other person may have wanted to say that they meant?
• What might have kept them from being straightforward?
• How might the other person describe what went on between you?
• If there might have been a time when they used this phrase or something similar about you how might that have come about?
• What were you not being straightforward about – if that was the case?
• What do you suppose the other person’s perception was of you at that time?
• What do you think can be done to make it safe for the other person to be honest with you?
• What do you think you may say or do at these times to help make the conversation more open and honest, if possible (and desired)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

This quote really resonated for me as a conflict management coach and personally, too. I have found it’s common when my clients and I look back on what we regret about our interpersonal conflicts there are often things we said or did that we wish we hadn’t. What we hear from the other person about our actions or communications that upset them may be the same as or different from what we regretted doing or saying. More to ponder! These sorts of ruminations stay with us though we are well aware we cannot take them back.

Daniel Pink’s quote here raises then, an important perspective – as it relates to our interpersonal conflicts – that is worth exploring what the lingering  angst might be about. Such an exploration urges us to become more observant of the ways we show up in our communications and to  consider whether we are staying aligned with our values and the person we strive to be. And, at the same time, this exploration urges us to remain aware of what may overwhelm us and even stop us from keeping them in mind. This is whether  we initiate a dispute, such as a potentially problematic conversation, and how we choose to respond to others who offend us.

Among other things then, we are beckoned, in our efforts to be true to ourselves, to step back and consider our fundamental values and how they are reflected in the ways we ensure we preserve rather than threaten our relationships.

With this in mind, this week’s  Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to bring to mind a conflict about which you have regrets.

• What happened in that conflict?
• What did you say or do (or not say or do) that you regret?
• If something other than your answer in the previous question triggered a negative reaction in the other person what seemed to set them off?
• What  impact did you observe on the other person?
• At the time, what seemed to motivate your actions or words ( or lack of them) that you now regret ?
• What emotions were you experiencing at the time?
• In that interaction, how was what you said or did (that upset the other person) out of alignment with your values or a specific value?  That is, which  value(s) were out of alignment?
• What might you have said  or done differently that would be more aligned with your own values ?
• What precluded your more preferred  words or actions?
• Which of the other person’s values  might you have undermined or challenged in that interaction? Which of your values might the other person have undermined
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(From the archives)

Often in my conflict management coaching practice clients use the word ‘wish’. It might refer to what they wish they had done or said in an interpersonal dispute – instead of what they did say or do. This may sound like, “I wish we never got into that ridiculous argument”,  “ I wish I hadn’t been so mean” , “ I wish they hadn’t said that “, I wish I knew then what I know now”,  “ I wish I could have a do-over” and other such wishes.

In the heat of the moment – when we are triggered by the other person’s words, attitude, actions, body language and so on it’s often the case that we say things and act in ways that do not serve us well. When the ‘wishbone’ starts to appear it’s usually a sign that we are aware of our own contribution and/or what our expectations were of the other person or both!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider how your wishbone is playing a part in an interpersonal dispute in which you find yourself.

• What is the dispute about that you recalled?
• What do you wish you had said differently?
• What lead you to say what you did? (your answer to the above question)
• What do you wish you had done differently?
• To what were you reacting at this time (relating to the previous question)?
• What are the specific things you wish the other person hadn’t said or done? What do you wish they has said or done?
• What were your expectations regarding how you saw this dispute unfold?
• What might the other person’s expectations have been?
• What is your wish now about this dispute?
• For what do you suppose the other person might be wishing?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

Interrupting is a habit for some people who listen to talk rather than to hear. And the tendency that we may have to interrupt in any case may be accentuated during conflict.

It helps in the quest for conflict mastery to do some reflection on what is happening for you if interrupting is something you are inclined to do or react to. Here are some questions to think about from this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog.

• How might you define interrupting?
• What are two words you would use to describe the impact on you when people interrupt you?
• What is it about others interrupting you that results in the impact you described?
• Under what circumstances are you likely to interrupt the other person when you are in conflict with them?
• When you interrupt, what impact on the other person do you notice?
• How does interrupting by either of you help the conflict conversation? In what ways does it hinder it?
• When people interrupt you when you are in conflict with them, what are you aware of that you may be doing or saying at those times (that seems to result in them interrupting you)?
• What ways may you respond to the other person, when they interrupt you that may facilitate a more productive conversation?
• What needs to happen for you to refrain from interrupting?
• How may that happen?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(From the archives)

I smile when I read this quote and think about it when I become fearful about my own relational conflicts (or something else) – when it comes to something I’m afraid of but cannot necessarily articulate. When I can get to a place to examine my fears though, to move away from them, I am more likely to explore what’s really going on for me, what fears are legitimate and what is the story I’m telling myself that may not be grounded in reality.  The hope is I’ll move outside of the cheapest room in the house to one rich with insights, different perspectives, and confidence to move forward.

I have come to refer to this quote when my coaching clients express their fears about engaging in conflict. It may be fear of saying the wrong thing; it maybe fear about damaging the relationship; it may be fear that things will not be reconcilable; it may be fear about whether to tell the truth or about hearing the truth; it may be fear about hurting the other person or being hurt by them. (Note: this blog is not about the fear of being physically hurt).

These and other fears – though unquestionably real feelings – are not necessarily real happenings. Staying with them in the room we make in our hearts and minds can preclude the possibility of reconciliation or at least a better understanding of the conflict dynamic, the other person and ourselves. This means we stay stuck in fear and there is no resolution or at least some way to open the door to a new room.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which fear is keeping you in a sad and immobilized place and see if these questions open the door to new thinking and being :

• What happened in that dispute?
• About what are you fearful because of that dispute?
• What’s the reality of that fear on a scale of 1-10, 10 being ‘very real’?
• What other words describe your emotional reaction?
• What don’t you know about the interaction that’s contributing to your fears?
• How does what you don’t know add to your fears if it does ( they do)?
• What, in the cheap room of fear, doesn’t feel worth your while to stay there ?
• What do you want to be feeling that is not based on/in fear?
• What do you want to know that will reduce the fears?
• What do you want or need to do or say to move from the cheap room to a place rich with hope, possibilities, and better living conditions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

It seems we sometimes spend needless time in blame mode when we are disputing with another person.  I don’t really know what compels blame when I hear mediating and coaching clients- or in my own tendency to blame, at times. Are we trying to take attention away from our own wrong-doing, as in this quote? Are we, for some reason, thinking it will make us feel better if we blame the other person – and that they will take responsibility for something (possibly to which we contributed)? Do we need to be the victim by blaming others?

Blaming seems to be impulsive and even instinctive for some. It’s often an instant reaction to being blamed ourselves, to feeling hurt and angry, to not getting what we want, to trying to do our best and it falls flat, to refusing to take responsibility if something doesn’t go well, and other such inner turmoil leading to blame. At these times, we don’t always realize that we have choices about how we react. That is, unless we are getting something out of blaming, which itself is an important question to ask ourselves, we have the ability to change a tendency to blame.

Since blaming doesn’t make things better, it helps to remove ourselves from the negativity and think about what is going on for us at these times. In this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog you will see a list of reflective questions that may shed a light on a tendency to blame if that is something you are doing in a particular situation or generally, have a tendency – at some level of your consciousness- to choose blame.

• What was it about the other person’s words or behaviour that led you to lay blame?
• What did you need from the other person that they weren’t delivering on?
• What impact did blaming the other have on you?
• What impact did blaming have on the other person?
• What do you believe about the other person and their intentions that may have contributed to your feelings of blame in this situation?
• If you told the other person exactly what you are/were feeling about what they said or did, what words would you use?
• What was going on for you that you chose blaming as a way to cope with this person or situation?
• What other choices did you have that may have served you better?
• What would it take for you to let go of the blame now if you want to? If you don’t want to, what is the reason you want to hold onto the blame?
• What theme(s) may there be about the circumstances, subject matter, person and other possible variables – when you tend to blame?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
• (From the archives)

It is a quote that makes me smile in my work as a conflict management coach – and well, personally too! Over 20 years ago, when developing a coaching model for supporting people in their efforts to engage more effectively in their interpersonal conflicts, it became evident that many people distort what transpired in a dispute between them and another person. Mostly, it is done in self-serving ways! What they wish they said gets mushed with what they actually said; what they assumed about the other person and their intentions seems to become fact; what the other person is purported to say isn’t really what they said but what was interpreted, and so on.

Though I have found that clients’ discussions about their conflicts typically start off missing some the true facts, that initial version does shift to what occurred. That is, with deep listening, lack of judgment, a safe space, and support clients tend to emotionally settle, gain perspective, and step back into a more objective frame of mind. So, contrary to Mark Twain’s quote, I find it is more often the case that when clients stand back from the emotion and stories they tell themselves they are more likely to share the facts of their stories more truthfully and openly. This obviously applies to us and our relational disputes, too.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to take a close look at one of your disputes to check out its veracity:

• What happened in the conflict you have in mind?
• What, if anything, are you reluctant to share about this interaction? What is that reluctance about, if applicable?
• For what reasons were you angry at the other person? What other words might you use other than angry to describe your feelings at the time?
• What do you wish you said that you didn’t?
• How would you handle this interaction differently if you had it to do again?
• Looking back, what might you have distorted at the time – basing your interpretation more on what you perceived  – not necessarily what the other person said or meant?
• How would the other person’s version of what happened, in the first place, differ from yours?
• For what was the other person angry at that you said or did?  As far as you can tell,  other words might the other person use to describe how they observed/experienced you?
• What makes you saddest about what occurred now that you look back at it?
• What distortions of the conflict happened between you that need to be rectified before moving on?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

• I find this a poignant quote. There’s only so much any of us can or want to tolerate when we don’t feel respected. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog speaks to this as it pertains to being in conflict. That is, our level of toleration varies in conflict depending on a number of variables, including whom the conflict is with and what it is about?

  Generally, most of us do not want to put up with words and actions that result in us feeling vulnerable, threatened, experiencing ongoing tension, being undermined, hurt and upset, feeling ‘lesser than’ and other outcomes that can occur from being engaged  in destructive conflict.

  At these times – when the conflict dynamics threaten our self-worth – many of us lose track of ourselves and our strengths. Self-limiting beliefs might kick in; we may lose faith in ourselves and underestimate our strengths; we may feel powerless; and we might lose courage to stand up for ourselves or our values and our needs.  Maintaining and gaining strength at these times is often difficult and we forget we have a choice to walk away – with our dignity and self-respect. This blog invites you to unpack an interpersonal dispute and consider when and how to leave the table because respect is no longer being served.

  What is the dispute about?

  In what ways is the other person undermining and disrespecting you?

  About what in this dynamic are you feeling strong?

  About what are you feeling least strong in this dispute?

  What did you think about yourself before this conflict with respect to your relationship with the other person? Your relationship with yourself?

  What about now – taking the above questions to the present?

  What does ‘leaving the table’ mean to you as one of your choices regarding this dispute? What other meanings may apply?

• If you hadn’t already included ‘leaving the table’ as one of your choices, what now makes that a possibility?

  What scares you about the possibility of leaving the table as you define it?

• In what ways might you muster your courage to ‘leave the table’?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(From the archives)

Though I’m a conflict specialist, having worked in the field of conflict management for over 30 years, I admit I don’t always manage my own conflicts as well as I could! For example, I sometimes experience guilt about things I said that I cannot take back. Or I might not own my part of the conflict – not recognizing my part till I have let go of blame. Or I might not be totally honest with the other person, for fear of hurting them. I hear these sorts of sentiments and more from my clients, too – leading to ongoing feelings, of all sorts, including guilt.

How are these feelings of guilt a gift? I’ve come to think of them personally and professionally as important lessons about what to do differently next time. And what to work on to prevent unnecessary conflict, to prevent hurting someone else and to prevent hurting ourselves. Guilt is a reminder that we contribute to the disputes we are involved in – even if we remain silent, even if we apologize, even if we forgive and so on. Essentially then, guilt puts up signposts for us to learn from including how to engage more effectively in our relational conflicts going forward. Guilt also holds up signposts that reflect a need to apologize, to clear the air, to move forward less encumbered by negative feelings and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog then, discusses some ways guilt shows up for you and how it’s a gift that keeps on giving even though you might not consider guilt a gift!! The following questions are most helpful if you consider a dispute about which you are continuing to feel guilt.

• What is/was the dispute about?
• What did you say or do that is causing you to feel guilty?
• What prompted you to say or do that which resulted in those feelings of guilt?
• What emotions were you experiencing at the time of the incident?
• What reaction from the other person seemed to have added to your guilt ?
• What do you wish you had said or done instead? What do you suppose kept you from these alternate ideas of what you could have said or done?
• What did you learn, if anything,  from your reaction and feelings of guilt?
• What other gifts have you gained – besides what you just answered (in the previous question)  about what you learned from your reactions and feelings of guilt?
• How will the gifts you gained in this situation positively impact you in future disputes?
• How then has guilt in this situation been a gift that keeps on giving?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?