The CINERGY Conflict Management Coaching Blog | ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions)

Decision-Making in Interpersonal Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 09:00:42 +0000

When we’re in conflict, there are many decisions to be made during and after it is over. Even when we anticipate dissension, there are decisions to make about how to effectively engage in the interaction. Our ability to make any sort of decision about conflictual matters and the relationship dynamic decrease the more upset we become. For various reasons in the heat of the moment we often seem to think it is necessary to do or say something, rather than taking a ‘time-out’ to decide the optimum way forward. This can lead to reactions that we recall later as being ill-conceived, embarrassing and poorly timed.

What we blurt out without thinking during a conflict may be a need to defend, retaliate or assert our perspective, or to make the other person wrong. We generally don’t think we have choices at these times. However, the quest here is to consider how to make decisions about how to or whether to engage the other person, so we won’t agonize about them afterwards. As you answer the questions below, please think of a time when you reacted to a conflictual interaction in a way that was not productive and the conflict ended in a less than satisfactory way:

What did you say or do that didn’t work for you or the other person?
How did you decide to say or do that?
At what point may you have decided on a different response?
What may you have chosen to say or do instead?
What do you suppose kept you from doing so that time?
What would have been different if you had taken that different response?
What did you learn from that interaction?
Based on this learning, what decision do you intend to make the next time you are in a similar situation?
What choices would there be to ensure that happens?
What is it like for you to look at your conflictual interactions from this vantage point – about having choices to decide how to respond?

Are there any other comments about this topic and/or what other Conflict Mastery™ Quest(ions) you would add?

Being Clear About Outcomes When In Disputes

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 09:00:53 +0000

When emotions prevail during interpersonal conflict, many of us cannot easily think ahead to what we want as an outcome. If we acknowledge that possibility, we may do some preparatory work before we initiate a potentially conflictual discussion or get caught up in the middle of one. If we engage in some preliminary reflections, our actions and words will more likely be aligned with our objective. Otherwise, the likelihood of chaotic thinking and feelings is high and we end up conducting ourselves in ways that are unproductive and inconsistent with what we want to have happen.

These ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) are about the situations when we are not clear about or have not thought out the outcome we desire. It makes sense to request some time before conversing to be able to get our emotions and thoughts in perspective at these times, to regain our equilibrium. When considering the following questions, please think of a dispute you had when you lost clarity of what you wanted as an outcome:

Now that you look back on the conflict, what outcome did you want?
At what point in the dispute were you not clear about what you wanted as an outcome (i.e. before it erupted, when it began, during the conflict, after, other)?
What was the first sign for you that your emotions were clouding your ability to think out what you wanted to have happen?
What emotion(s) were you experiencing at that time?
At what point do you think you may you have been able to regain a sense of equilibrium and clarity?
What do you suppose got in the way of that happening?
In what ways were the resulting outcomes close to and far off from what you hoped for?
What worked well about the eventual outcome in any case?
What didn’t work so well about the outcome?
What did you learn about what you could do next time you are in an interpersonal conflict?

Please feel free to add any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here.

Fears in Interpersonal Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 09:00:38 +0000

Though not always expressed, it is common that people in conflict experience some level of fear about the dynamic between them and the other person. This may be about the issues in dispute and/or the relationship, or their own reactions and experience of the conflict. In a small scale study CINERGY® Coaching did with 200 clients about what fears they have in their interpersonal disputes, the fear of a loss of some sort prevailed. Loss of the relationship (connecting, caring, etc.), of face, of reputation, of job, of security and so on are examples. Other fears such as being hurt, alienated, embarrassed, shamed, rejected, hurting someone and the unknown were also common.

Here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to consider in more detail about fears if this aspect of conflict resonates for you. Please think of your last interpersonal dispute to answer the following and if you did not experience fear of any sort in that one, choose an example in which you did:

How would you describe the fear or fears you experienced in that dispute?
What particularly was it that the other person said or did that resulted in you experiencing fear?
What does that say about your hope(s), expectation(s) and/or need(s) in that dispute?
How did you experience that fear emotionally?
How did you experience that fear in your body?
What were the thoughts going on for you when the fear set in?
What about your fear has a basis in reality?
What about your fear does not have a basis in reality?
What decision(s) did you make about the issue and/or the person that may have been fear-based?
How did the fear help you? Hurt you?
What do you think needs to happen in a situation to help reduce fears that get in the way of moving on or letting go?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) would you add on this subject of fears in interpersonal conflict?

Reacting to Interpersonal Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 09:00:52 +0000

There are days when we are in conflict with another person we respond strongly to his or her action or words that may not have the same impact on other days. Fatigue, personal or professional worries and other stressors all contribute to how reactive we are, to whom and for what reason. Some strong emotions leave us in a state of heart and mind that may confuse us and add to the strain we already experience as a consequence of the conflict. These emotions can sometimes take over and we find ourselves responding in uncharacteristic and extreme ways to the other person (and even other people and situations that are unrelated to the initial trigger point).

It is often a challenge to figure out what is happening in the moment that leads to reactions we then agonize about – sometimes for days and nights. Continuing feelings of shame, vulnerability, sadness and upset do not help us move on, of course and they add more tension to our lives, for the other person and those around us. Considering a past dispute to which you reacted strongly, here are some questions:

What specifically was it that the person said/ did (did not say/do) that you reacted to?
What were you feeling when that happened?
What do you suppose led you to feel especially reactive in this situation?
What were you thinking about the other person and situation when you were provoked this way?
Under what circumstances do you usually find you react stronger than others? Under what circumstances are you less reactive?
What are you most distressed about right now as you think about the situation and/or the other person?
For what reasons do you suppose that sentiment remains with you?
Generally-speaking, what is the usual impact (if any) on other parts of your life when you react strongly? How about for the other person?
What positive repercussions are there for you when you react strongly? How about for the other person?
How do you prefer to react when you are in conflict? How may you ensure that reaction next time?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here with respect to reacting strongly?

Considering Consequences of Disputes

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 09:00:06 +0000

What happens to many of us in the heat of an argument, is that we don’t consider the aftermath. One of the consequences of our actions and words or those of the other person is that we cannot easily undo what hurt we experience or caused. Emotions can linger and the pieces that are not reconciled, end up being the remnants in which we clothe our next dispute.

Thinking before we speak is sage advice that is likely said more than it is practiced. If more of us caught ourselves before destructive words and actions seep out, our disputes may not result in sustained tension and other sentiments that continue long after the conflict is over. The following questions are aimed at building awareness to help eliminate unproductive consequences of conflicts. Consider a previous dispute that lingers and you prefer that it mends instead.

What feels unfinished for you about that interaction?
How would you describe the consequences that are lingering on for you?
What did the other person say or do that lingers on?
What do you regret that you said or did in that conflict that continues to bother you?
What may the other person say or do at this point that would help matters?
What clarification may you not be asking for that you want or need?
What may be unfinished or unresolved for the other person?
What do you want the other person to know that he or she may not realize and that may help you and/or him or her move on?
Considering how you want the relationship to be, what may you say or do to facilitate that?
What do you think you could begin to let go of that offended you in this interaction?
What seems like a pattern you have when it comes to situations like this that you would like to change?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you ask here?

Getting Unstuck When In Conflict

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 09:00:54 +0000

It often happens that the more positional we are about an issue in dispute, the more stuck we are about discussing the matter – much less reconciling matters. Our ability to negotiate, discuss and make amends deteriorates at these times and the other person may dig in his or her shoes in response to us. Or, he or she may have been the one to take a stand in the first place and our reaction contributes to the discord.

We get stuck for many reasons, depending on things like what the situation is, who the other person is, the nature of the perceived offense, the strength of our emotional response, the inherent threat to something important to us and so on. A challenging dilemma arises when we’re stuck in a conflict and the ‘stuckness’ works both ways. It is interesting however, that whether it is one or both parties that are stuck, such a state of being blocked or stuck often signifies a crucial turning point in the dispute.

In an attempt to ensure such turning points open the door rather than close them, the following set of questions may be helpful in turning the knob. Please consider a current situation in which you and the other person are stuck in your conflict situation or conversation – getting nowhere fast, holding on to your positions and getting stronger in your respective senses of rightness.

What is happening for you when you are stuck in a conflict?
What is one image that describes this experience of being stuck?
What are the upsides for you if the conflict gets resolved?
What are the downsides for you if the conflict does not get resolved?
What is going on for you right now that may be keeping you from getting unstuck?
What could the other person say or do that would help you come unstuck – even a little?
What is your sense of what the other person may be stuck about regarding this situation?
What if anything, are you willing to say or do that may help him or her start to get unstuck?
What is one word to describe what it will feel like to get unstuck?
What sorts of different possibilities may open up if you become unstuck?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) occur to you?

Exploring Our Conflict Perceptions

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 09:00:20 +0000

When other people provoke us, our perceptions of what is happening sometimes tends to be distorted. Typically, the more egregious the exchange and the angrier we become, the more negative our perspectives are. It seems that once we are irritated by another person and especially if our feelings grow with repeated interactions, it is challenging to disabuse ourselves of the assumptions about the other person and his or her motives. What also happens in many cases is that we get stuck in our positions and don’t listen to the other person. In those cases, we do not tend to gain clarity about what is going on with him or her. We do that and the other person does that, limiting the possibilities for reconciling our differences.

Since we likely develop our perceptions about our conflictual interactions from historical experiences with the other person or the same sort of interactions with others, it helps to explore these further. Here, when answering today’s questions, please consider an unresolved disagreement that continues to brew:

What is your perception about the other person’s part in a recent conflict (or the last one you recall)?
Why do you suppose he or she did or said that?
What part of your perception about the other person may not be an absolutely accurate description of what is going on?
What may the other person’s perception be of the situation and your part in it?
Considering your answers to the above questions, what part of the other person’s possible perception of you in that situation do you agree with?
What reasons may he or she attribute to you for your actions?
Which part are you likely to disagree with?
What part of your sense of what is going on between you two is causing you the most upset, angst, concern, etc. right now?
What do you want to have happen to change things in this situation?
What could you do or say for that to occur?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) about perceptions may you add here to further explore this?

Picking Up the Conflict ‘Vibes’

Cinnie Noble — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:36:04 +0000

Conflict mastery is not only about engaging effectively in a conflict once it has evolved. It also entails picking up ‘vibrations’ that may signal dissension with or from another person and addressing the dynamic at the time. It is a matter of being proactive and preventing unnecessary conflict or facilitating positive conflict. Picking up conflict ‘vibes’ may not result in a specific discussion with the other person. It may be a matter of beginning to notice things that seem to be igniting him or her or yourself and considering when and how that happens. Essentially, I am suggest that this starts with self-reflection that concentrates on our instincts and what we sense is occurring.

Here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to ask yourself about picking up on vibes. This exercise works well by thinking of a time you sensed that someone was disgruntled with you and a dispute ultimately unfolded. With that in mind, please consider these:

As soon as you noticed some sort of discord with the other person, what did your intuition tell you about the reason(s) for a change in the other person’s demeanour, attitude, etc.?
On what did you base your intuitive response?
What was the impact on you of this person’s demeanour, attitude, etc.?
What if anything, was going on between you before or at the time, he or she seemed to be reacting to you?
What if anything, may you have said or done that irritated the other person?
What understanding did you gain when things evolved into a dispute that was consistent with your initial instincts? What was not consistent?
What could you have said or done at the time you picked up the vibration from the other person and what difference might it have made had you said or done so?
What do you suppose stopped you from acknowledging the ‘vibe’ at the time?
What do you think it takes for people generally, to trust our instincts about conflict vibes?
What do your answers here mean for you that you will consider the next time you pick up a conflict ‘vibe’?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) do you suggest for this topic?

Preparing for a Conflict Conversation that the Other Person Initiated

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 09:00:45 +0000

Preparing to respond to another person’s initiation of a conflict conversation can be an art and science, just as it is when we are the initiator. You may not have thought of conflict conversations as being either an art or science. The reality is we all are involved on a regular basis in communications that are and that have the potential for being difficult, emotional, inflammatory and so on.

It is up to us to choose whether we want to engage in difficult communications that someone else initiates. It also means being strategic and determining when and how to do so. These aren’t choices that we usually think we have when someone else starts a conflict conversation. This is especially the case if the other person approaches us in a way that pushes our buttons. The thing is, we still have a choice about how and when we react.

The following questions will hopefully help focus and prepare for the occasion when another person initiates a conflict conversation with you:

What are the risks that concern you when someone else initiates a conflict conversation?
How would you describe what it is like for you when you are the initiator of a conflict conversation?
What are the chances that the other person experiences the same sort of thoughts and feelings when s/he starts a challenging conversation?
What are the ideal signs that indicate you are ready to engage in a conflict conversation?
What would success be for you in a conflict conversation when someone else initiates it?
How will you achieve this the next time it occurs?
If you are not ready to converse, what is the optimum way to respond that is consistent with how you want to interact at these times?
How would you describe how you want to be and be perceived in a conflict conversation when someone else initiates it?
What do you want to be most careful about when others initiate conflict conversations (that you have tended to do and don’t want to)?
What is the skill you want to hone most to respond the way you want to under these circumstances?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add on this topic?

Caring Grudges

Cinnie Noble — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 09:00:29 +0000

One of the things that happens after interpersonal conflict is that some of us bear a grudge. We continue to hold onto negative feelings about the other person and may do so for a protracted period of time. We may show this by ignoring the person, or making derogatory remarks about him or her, directly or indirectly. Or, we may retaliate in different ways. Bearing grudges may be a way of coping, but we usually recognize it also contributes to ongoing dissension.

Some of us have a proclivity for bearing grudges as a way of handling conflict and it may reflect a general lack of resilience, inability to let go, a type of defense mechanism, a need for control, an inability to regulate our emotions and other reasons. In any case, carrying around heavy feelings about the other person not only has a huge impact on us. It is a lousy feeling to experience lingering negative feelings and thoughts, when we are the recipient of someone else’s grudge against us. Considering this means a lot to the ongoing relationship, if that is of importance to us.

It occurred to me as I was writing this week’s blog, that maybe, the term ought to be caring grudges. Why? Because at times, underneath our grudges are caring feelings. That is, whatever happened between us and the other person, it has had an impact on something we care about that is important to us. Considering these ideas, here are some conflict mastery questions to help increase insights about grudges:

Under what circumstances do you tend to carry grudges?
What do you think it is about those particular situations and/or people that results in doing so?
What are the sorts of feelings you have about the other person when you are bearing a grudge?
Considering one of the situations about which you are carrying (or did carry) a grudge, what are (or were) you caring about at that time?
In what ways do you demonstrate you are carrying a grudge?
How do you think that is experienced by the other person?
How does it feel for you to carry a grudge?
What do you gain from carrying grudges? What risks are there?
What do you think it would take to let go of a grudge if you wanted to?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) occur to you here about carrying or caring grudges?